If you tweet (which you should), you can make your own TweetCloud.  If you don’t, I dare you to psychoanalyze me in the comments.

Do you smell that?  The fever has either set my brain on fire, or I am already in hell.  I am up to my cultish activities again.  This time I signed up for NaNoWriMo.  Well, like Mary Tyler Moore, I am always trying to make my dreams come true.  Since I do vocalize that I will have publication and world domination before I expire, now is a better time than ever to put my evil plan into action.  I suppose bringing 30 more days of insanity into the I Read Banned Books household will not hurt scar Boog, The Terrorist, The Three Beotches, or me more than we already are.

Coincidentally, I have been a little distracted today by other things.  I did not get dressed until 2:00 PM.  I found time to do seven loads of laundry … for two people.  I watched hours of mindless TV.  I discovered that my bed pillows were foul and made a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond for new ones.  I went to Target for more laundry detergent and came home with an additional $40.00 of marked down Halloween candy.  I napped.  I took pictures of The Terrorist in his new Snuggie.

What?  He likes it.  Besides, Boog is the one who insisted on buying it.

Oh, and I wrote a total of EIGHT words on my novel.   Which sentence do you think it is?

• Some people liken my job to medieval torture.
• It was a dark and stormy night … bwahahahahahahaha.
• It was Sunday, the first time it happened.
• The Swine Tabernacle is now open next door.
• Who’s the most wonderful and prettiest girl today?

Yeah, it is going to be a long, strange thirty days.  Join me.

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
(So come on)

… truth.

… justice.

… freedom.

… love.

… peace.

… happiness.

… making a difference.

… knowledge.

… creativity.

… choice.

… tolerance.

… acceptance.

… change.

… not to argue with a school administrator who has not decided your full punishment yet.  A wannabe told me I was going to change his schedule today or else.   Little fucker has no idea who he is messing with.  The next time he is absent without an excuse note he is being cited for truancy.  The next time he tells me what to do he is being placed in alternate placement.  By the way, mom “doesn’t know what to do with him.  He never listens to me.”  What happened to the belt?  It worked for me.

… their fucking phone numbers and addresses.  I shit you not.  I accompanied a 13-year-old severely asthmatic girl to the ER today where I remained with her until her mother was located by an attendance officer and school police.  Her address, phone numbers, and emergency contacts were all on file incorrect, and she did not know how to get in touch with her mother or her grandmother in the event of a real emergency.  Giving birth to a child does not make one a mother.  When the mother finally arrived nearly three and a half hours later, she did not ask her daughter how she was feeling but admonished her for not taking a breathing treatment before school this morning.

… how to shop smart under pressure.  Thanks, Sybil, for always showing me how to find a bargain for my buck.  I found a marvelous little black dress marked down from $90.00 to $54.00 and a $200 pair of Bruno Magli strappy heels for $50.00.  I think there is enough left over in the budget to get my nails did before the big event on Saturday.  Besides, I can totally wear this little number again for my 20th reunion next month.

Click to embiggen.

As an educator, a parent, and an American citizen, I almost cannot describe the feeling which overcame me as I watched two classrooms of 50 plus middle schools students engaged in and mesmerized by President Barack Obama’s eloquent words.

Thank you, Mr. President, for being a role model for our children.  May they heed your message.

Fantasy Football may never be the same with the Plurk Hooligans up to shenanigans.  This is the Psycho Hose Beast’s team, in no particular order.

1. Delhomme, Jake CAR QB 4

2. Romo, Tony DAL QB 6

3. Addai, Joseph IND RB 6

4. Brown, Chris HOU RB 10

5. Thomas, Pierre NOS RB 5

6. Tomlinson, LaDainian SDC RB 5

7. Clayton, Mark BAL WR 7

8. Jackson, Vincent SDC WR 5

9. Kelly, Malcolm WAS WR 8

10. Williams, Roy DAL WR 6

11. Davis, Vernon SFO TE 6

12. Shiancoe, Visanthe MIN TE 9

13. Bironas, Rob TEN PK 7

14. Hartley, Garrett NOS PK 5

15. Colts, Indianapolis IND Def 6

16. Jets, New York NYJ Def 9

Oh, yeah, bitches, I’m channeling my inner psycho hose beast, the one and only Joan Crawford.  Don’t make me get wire hangers on y’all asses!

Real women love football.  The next 17 weeks are going to be …

Wouldn’t you love to know?

I’ve mentioned how much I adore teachers who inspire kids before, but this guy truly does make a difference.

In totally unrelated inspiring news, I learned a new ghettoism from a 12 y/o male student today … butt hurt. As in:

Miss, the teacher was all butt hurt because I didn’t answer her question fast enough.

I never thought I would say this, but I am getting a nose job …

… a septoplasty and turbinate reduction to be more specific

… on the advice of my ENT

… because I have a severe deviated septum which has led to chronic sinus infections.

I do not want to be like Mike.  I just want to be snot, congestion, and headache free with the ability to breathe normally again.

I promise not to get addicted.  I do love my nose, and I have been assured that the outward appearance will not change.  Thankfully, it will be covered by insurance, and I might get a few extra days off from work as early as November to get it done.

And, finally, I get to be the patient for once in this household, Boog.  I’m waiting for you to fluff my pillows already.

You know you live in Las Vegas when…

1. You have no idea what a scarf does, but think it looks good.

2. You know how to get to any casino on the strip without taking Las Vegas Blvd.

3. You know where the natural history museum, art museum, and zoo are.

4. You can now predict where the construction signs will be misleadingly placed.

5. Stop signs and red lights mean very little.

6. The last time you went to the Strip, your cousins were in town last summer.

7. You become nocturnal between the months of April to October.

8. You know the seasons: Really hot, 2 weeks of nice, not so hot, 2 weeks of nice.

9. Your favorite chocolate is Ethel M.

10. When you go to different cities, you’re amazed things aren’t open after 9 pm.

11. You’ve never seen a closed gas station.

12. You can get hard liquor any day of the week, any time of the day.

13. When arriving home from vacation the slot machines in McCarran are comforting.

14. You laugh at people playing the slots at 7-11.

15. You have no idea how a lottery works.

16. What the hell is last call?

17. Your most prized possession as a Nevadan is your blue and white license plate.

18. You know the “spaghetti bowl” has nothing to do with food.

19. You know never to merge right when driving north on I-15, it’ll end anyway.

20. You think a pile of rocks is a nice lawn.

21. The term Lake Las Vegas doesn’t seem redundant in the slightest.

22. You remember the ugly lion.

23. You give directions to your house based on location of closest casino.

24. You need to walk through a casino to see a movie.

25. You go in circles through McCarran on purpose.

26. You can spot a tourist from 3 miles away.

27. Limos are an everyday sighting.

28. You laugh at people taking pictures in front of the “welcome” sign.

29. You don’t own an umbrella.

30. Sixty degrees is cold enough to wear a jacket.

31. You can wear pants in the summer and shorts in the winter.

32. You’ve never HAD to pay for parking.

33. You are outraged to pay more than 9.99 for prime rib and a lobster tail.

34. You pass this on to other locals.

35. You remember when the 215 was a secret.

36. When at least one of the people in your neighborhood is a stripper.

Go see Julie & Julia. Like this classic Saturday Night Live sketch, it is exceedingly entertaining and will not disappoint. Afterward, you will be jonesing for some beef bourguignon. Right now though, I am thinking of the following (which was not uttered in the movie but has always been a favorite of mine):

Find something you are passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.

~ Julia Child

]]> http://ireadbannedbooks.net/2009/08/07/dont-freak-out/ Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:50:39 +0000 cajunvegan http://ireadbannedbooks.net/2009/08/07/dont-freak-out/

I wish I had taken a before image to show you the extra ass bit which was removed from The Terrorist’s ass yesterday.  The cyst/tumor was sent to the lab for analysis to determine if it was benign or malignant.  We will have the results in less than a week, and his sutures will be removed in 10-14 days.

Now, that is a sorry ass if I ever saw one.  But, wait, there’s more …

Aww, yeah, little fucker bit me because he was in pain, and I apparently approached him the wrong way when it was bedtime.  Who’s the bigger freak of the week?

One cannot be a child of the 80’s and not feel saddened by the untimely death of John Hughes.  We may never have another brat pack film; however, Hughes’ words will play on in our hearts and minds.  While perusing tributes today, I decided that I would share 13 (14 if you count the title of this post) of my favorite Hughes’ movie quotations for this week’s Thursday 13.  These are words I could actually hear myself saying to various people I encounter in my personal, work, and online lives.  Snicker and enjoy — I did.

1.  “I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights.”

2.  “Two hits. Me hittin’ you, you hittin’ the floor.”

3.  “Bueller? … Bueller? … Bueller?”

4.  “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

5.  “I can’t believe my grandmother actually felt me up.”

6.  “They fucking forgot my birthday.”

7.  “I can’t believe I gave my panties to a geek.”

8.  “Break his heart, I’ll break your face.”

9.  “If you give off signals that you don’t want to belong, people will make sure that you don’t.”

10.  “I swear my thighs just went up in flames!”

11.  “I just want them to know that they didn’t break me.”

12.  “It’s called a sense of humor – you should get one – they’re nice.”

13.  Yo man! Next time, I kick your ass! That’ll be that!

What is your memorable Hughes’ quote or scene?  I will leave you with my favorite Hughes’ scene of all time.

This has totally changed the way I am eating bananas for the rest of my life.  ROFLMAO!  And, to think, we humans evolved from monkeys.

… PARSNIPS? Yes, I do … especially the phallic, NSFW ones.  I am considering a name change to Parsniperella and forming a band called Parsnipity with my favorite parsnip lovers.  Our first songs were written by Cylithria and Topsurf on Plurk tonight.  If you don’t get it, you had to be there.

If you want my parsnip…..and ya think it’s sexxxxxy…..come on sugar let me know.

You gotta fight…..for your right….to PARRRSNIP!!!

Never had a doubt in the beginning….all the silly things we did you made me parsnips, parsnips …is sorry but I’m just thinking of the right words to say I know they didn’t taste like you wanted them to….the parsnips, the parsnips … just when you think you got it down your heart securely tied and bound you whisper….parsnips in the dark!

… THE TERRORIST? Even though he is highly allergic to humans, has the worst environmental allergies and bacterial infection right now, and has a cyst on his stumper that must be surgically removed soon, he still makes me feel like the best human in the world when he is not scratching and moaning but sleeping like a snuggle buddy.

… FLEA FLY? My little sister done gone and got herself knocked up again by a Louisiana State Trooper and will have a shotgun wedding.  Don’t worry; she will stop drinking soon.  I am thrilled to be the matron of honor and tickled pink to be the godmother.

… PESTER? He has the bipolar, the twitches, and now the diabeetus, but he allows me to make fun of him on this blog and loves me both in spite of and because of my psycho hose beastishness.

… WINE? Despite what any of you are thinking right about now after trying to put together to pieces of this puzzled post, I wrote this one stone cold sober with the help of my friends.  I wish I could blame it on the alcohol.

Who or what do you love?

Yes, that is the best excuse I can come up with for my blog absence.  Besides it could have happened; however, it didn’t.  New York City was happening.  I can honestly say it is the most phenomenal place I have visited in my life. My time in the city that never sleeps was mind-blowing and life changing.  I enjoyed my trip so immensely that I have had NYCAD (New York City Affective Disorder) since my return.  I learned so much about myself and others on this trip and can honestly say upon days and days of reflection now that life is too short to give emotional vampires and negativity any energy.  With that said, I am counting the days until we meet again.  You, fuckers, know that I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you.

I have not decided whether or not I am going to backpost for the days I missed in the Cult of Insanity.  Blogging without obligation is enticing.  While I need to write every day, I also need to produce quality material every day for my dream of publication and world domination to come to fruition someday sooner than later.

In the meantime, I sincerely hope I was missed as much as I missed you, readers.  Now, worship me like the psycho hose beast goddess I am and leave me some comment love.

Toppy, I love you so much that I would hold your hair back today.  Gin and tonics and shrimpys for the win!  I know you are having a fucking blast because I am a small part of it, but I hope this is on of the happiest of happy days in your 29 years.  Bwahahahhahahahahhahaha!

And so do good times with good people, good jazz, good food, and good drinks.  See:

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy;
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you,
One girl you’re ev’rything to.

Fame if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where’s the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.
Once you’ve found her, build your world around her.

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy,
And you will be happy, too.

I love even the turrible, turrible when I have had enough mint-based refreshments.  Mo-hee-toes FTW!

]]> http://ireadbannedbooks.net/2009/07/20/the-password-is/ Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:09:59 +0000 cajunvegan http://ireadbannedbooks.net/2009/07/20/the-password-is/

… if I told you, I would have to kill you.

New York continues to be a fucking blast.  Highlights today included:

• An apple fritter the size of my head
• An evil whisper in Grand Central Station
• A little blue box from Tiffany’s
• A dead tortoise at the Central Park Zoo
• A freak walking around with a framed picture of Michael Jackson
• Stale street vendor pretzels
• Blond trophies on Broadway
• Dual Plurking lapops next to my bestie in the same bed in the same room
• Having Topsurf join our New York adventure
• Dying and going to Shrimp Heaven
• Get beads without flashing my tata’s … twice
• Meeting Yoon and hearing her yell:  Does it look like I peed in my pants?
• Drinking martinis at a great locals place with a 43 page drink menu
• Planning out our next day’s adventures … you’ll have to revisit to find out what happens.