A reader writes: “I have dated only straight girls. Many of them haven’t ever been in bed with someone with a non-male body. Likewise I haven’t been in bed with any male, so maybe I have the wrong idea about things.

“I understand that for born males, once you get in, it’s on and you don’t need that much more? Of course I get some kind of spiritual joy from pleasuring a woman, but I’m sick and tired that I have explain (sometimes several times) that I need something, too. And even then, sometimes no results.

“Or are these girls I get just pure Bed Princesses? Yes, I look like, and am kind of, an action alpha male, but does that signal to women that they don’t have to do anything in bed? It’s hard for me when I feel an emotional connection but am not able to connect physically. I feel wasted and used.

“Is there any way to change this kind of behavior? Is there any way to understand which girl is more active in bed? I’ve had bad luck or made bad choices so far.”

I’ve never been in bed with a straight woman (or with any woman), but I have been a straight woman, so I can try to answer your questions drawing from that experience. And, of course, I will ask my readers to chime in.

First of all, if you believe that the women you are with are non-responsive because straight men don’t need or want responsiveness from a partner, that is a mistaken notion. If you repeatedly find yourself with non-responsive women, it has nothing to do with their past experiences with other straight men. Instead, there could be a few other things working here:

1. I am going to assume that you are coming out to these women as someone who has a non-standard male body before they reach for you in bed and discover this. While quite a few people do not agree with me, I strongly believe in coming out to a person before I am in bed with that person. In some cases, it has to do with my own safety, but in all cases, it has to do with my own comfort and the comfort of my partner.

I realize that we never know what we are “getting” when we first go to bed with someone, but most of us have some basic and generalized expectations with regard to what we will find. I personally believe that, if those basic and generalized expectations are not going to be met, the other person should know. (Go ahead, readers – you can rip me up on this one!)

If these women are reaching for something they believe is there and discovering that it is not – particularly if this is their first experience with a non-standard male body – it could cause them to feel uncomfortable, to freeze up, to not be sure what to do next. But, based on the assumption that they are already aware of your body type, we move on –

2. There is a lot of misinformation out there about trans people and our bodies. For example, many people believe that we all hate our body configuration or our genitals, and that we don’t want to be touched. While there are some trans people who do not want their genitals touched, there are many others who do.

But it’s possible that these women, particularly if they don’t know much about trans men, believe that they are doing the right thing by not touching your genitals or touching you in an intimate way. If this is the case, then communication beforehand can be very helpful, because you can discuss and dispel some of the things they might have heard that don’t apply to you.

You say that you have tried this many times and it still isn’t working. It’s possible that you’re not being specific enough. Sometimes showing works better than telling. And sometimes showing and telling at the same time is the most successful method. But if nothing you do or say is producing the results that you want, then we move on –

3. It’s also possible that you’re being too demanding or that your expectations are too high. If this is happening repeatedly, with many different women, then you probably need to take a look at yourself. Are you approaching these situations:

> As if the woman owes you something?

> As if the woman is there for sexual purposes only (particularly yours)?

> As if your primary goal in the interaction is to get off?

> As if you have chosen the woman because you thought that she would be a good sexual partner, and now you are disappointed because she hasn’t come through for you?

If your interactions with women are strictly for sexual purposes, you also need to make that clear up front (in my opinion). You will find women who are also interested in hooking up just for the purpose of having sex, and they will likely be very active and engaged.

But if that’s all you want and you are not clarifying that, it’s possible that you are not the only one who is feeling used. And if your date is feeling used by you, she is probably not going to be particularly responsive or eager to meet your needs.

Good sex often develops with a good relationship. Initially, sex can be clumsy and awkward. In many cases, the better you know your partner, the better your sexual experience. If you find a woman who you are interested in spending time with, don’t dismiss her just because your initial sexual encounter is not satisfactory. It’s likely that this will improve.

Bottom line (no pun intended): There is no way to tell how someone will be in bed until you sleep with that person. If you just want sex, you can make that clear, and hope to find someone who wants the same.

If you want more than just sex, let things unfold. In the early stages of a relationship, you are getting to know each other and figuring out what the other one likes – both in and out of the sack.

So give it some time – and lighten up a little. The less pressure she feels, the more she’ll enjoy herself, and the more she enjoys herself, the more she will enjoy you. Mutual respect, mutual admiration, and mutual consideration go a long way toward an enjoyable evening.

Readers, have at it!

“What does being a man mean to you?” It’s a question I get asked often at speaking engagements.

Although there are occasionally some hostile or confrontational undertones involved, it is usually just an honest question. The questioner really wants to know. And the questioner is, invariably, a man.

I have a snarky reply that I never use in these situations, but that I like to keep on hand for my writing, which is: “It means never being asked that question, because you wouldn’t ask that question of a non-trans man.” Non-trans people are rarely expected to define their identity.

But my public answer is quite different, because the only thing “being a man” really means to me is being comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. I don’t imbue “being a man” with a lot of cultural stereotypes or expectations, both because I’m not interested in them and because I probably couldn’t live up to them, although I won’t deny that I’ve tried – and succeeded, on occasion – to carry out my culture’s expectations of manhood.

But I do ask non-trans men the same question, and when I do, I get a few of the cultural stereotypes – providing for my family, being physically or emotionally strong – but most of the answers seem to revolve around that all-important body part. “What does being a man mean to you?” It means having a penis.

For most guys, being a man is strongly associated with this particular appendage. While I understand where this comes from, it never quite makes sense to me to associate an inner identity with a body part. It’s like saying, “Being a man means having a nose.”

I know the difference between a penis and a nose (although for many of the guys I’ve been with, the nose was the more prominent of the two features), and I understand that a penis is used as a male identifier, while almost everyone has a nose. But if your inner sense of self depends on an appendage, what happens to you when something happens to that appendage?

If your nose is central to your identity, and it gets broken, does that mean you are broken? Most people would say no. But if your penis gets damaged or stops working altogether, does that mean that you are damaged or have stopped working altogether? A lot of guys might say yes.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on something that rarely follows orders anyway, has a nasty habit of letting you down when you need it most, and is so fragile that it can’t participate in competitive sports without a protective cup.

Don’t get me wrong – I like penises. They can be highly entertaining, sometimes cute, and tend to look good in designer briefs (often better than they do without them). But to base an identity on something so undependable and unpredictable is a huge psychological risk.

I honestly don’t know what being a man means to me, at least not in the sense of listing responsibilities or body parts. I know that it doesn’t mean having a penis – and for me, it can’t.

Luckily (or unfortunately), there aren’t that many people in a position to notice. Maybe if I had a better nose …

If you’re trans, what does being a man or a woman mean to you?

A reader writes: “I want to transition, but I’m not even sure why I want it so bad. It seems to me that there’s two sides to gender dysphoria, the physical and the social.

“Physically, if I transition, I’ll be a short man with chest scars and, let’s face it – a dick too small to have penetrative sex with. I already feel bad about myself and can’t imagine ever liking myself under these conditions, even though it would be better than what I have now.

“Then there’s the social element. Most people my age don’t make a huge fuss about females who have ‘masculine’ interests, and being female isn’t keeping me from doing anything I want to do. It really just annoys me when I get called miss or ma’am or am faced with expectations that I have no desire to fulfill.

“So is this enough reason to want to transition? It seems like so much to go through just to make myself fit the world a little better. I also want to know, what was your personal reason for transitioning? What made it worth all the money and other drawbacks that come with living as a transsexual in a world that hates transsexuals?”

This is a long question, and I’ve got a long answer. But I’m going to break it down, starting with your last question first and working backwards: My personal reason for transitioning was because I felt like I had to. I became aware that what I was feeling was an actual “thing” with an actual name and an actual course of action to follow, and it was like a snowball rolling downhill. Once I knew what the “remedy” was for what I was experiencing, I simply couldn’t do it soon enough. Basically, it was necessary.

I will admit that there were times when I was very depressed and concerned about the “world that hates transsexuals.” But I discovered that the entire world doesn’t hate transsexual people. And I also made many friends and discovered a great deal of acceptance in the trans community, as well as among many in the non-trans community, including gay, lesbian, and straight people. My fears of people hating me and wanting to kill me were not realized. This is not true for all trans people. I was very lucky.

Next question: Is being annoyed when you get called “miss” or “ma’am” and when you are faced with expectations you don’t want to fulfill reason enough to want to transition? I don’t know. But I will say that I subscribe to the philosophy that transition is a necessity, and that if you need to transition, you will, and that if it is right for you, you will know.

What your transition will consist of will depend on your financial situation, along with what it will take to make you feel right and whole, but if you need to do it, you will do as much as you can to get to that point of rightness and wholeness with the finances and resources that are available to you.

Now I have some questions that I want you to think about:

1. Do you feel as if you are a man? Do you feel as if you want to be a man? Or do you just feel that life would be easier for you if you did not have to fit into the expected stereotypes of womanhood?

2. Do you hate it when people call you “miss” or “ma’am” because you feel that they are making a mistake – that they should be calling you “sir” because you are a sir? Or do you just feel as if those words are too “feminine” for the kind of female you are?

3. Would you rather live as a short man with chest scars and, let’s face it – a dick too small to have penetrative sex with – or would you rather live as you are now? Are you trying to pick the lesser of two evils, or do you feel the need to be in a body that fits? Do you feel bad about yourself now because you are not a man, or do you feel bad about yourself because you are not the “right” kind of female?

The reason I ask these questions is because we are often so bound by the cultural stereotypes of “man” and “woman” that we can’t imagine living in any other way. A person may feel as if, because she can’t be the “right” kind of woman for her friends, family, and society, she needs to transition so that her appearance and behaviors will be acceptable – to herself and to everyone else.

But transition is not socially acceptable, either, as you have pointed out. You are trading one problematic thing – being a very “masculine” female, which sets you apart from others – for something similarly problematic – being a transsexual man, which sets you apart from others. Do you want and need to be a man? Only you can answer that question.

One thing that you may never be, no matter what you do, is a person who is considered “mainstream” and “normal” by others. Many, many people – trans and non-trans – have to come to grips with this reality. They will never completely “fit.” For some people, that is fine. For others, it is very difficult.

Being outside of the mainstream is not an easy life. But it can be a very fascinating, interesting, and rewarding life. And if it is who you are, then it is the life you have, no matter what you might prefer if you had your choice. And what you do is you accept the fact that these are the cards you were dealt, and you play them in the most skillful, exciting, and unique way that you can.

Now, let’s briefly look at the physical – yes, if you transition, you will be a short man with chest scars and a very small dick, depending on whether or not you decide to and/or are able to have genital surgery.

I know tons of short guys with chest scars and very small dicks who feel incredible about themselves. They finally feel at home in their body. They finally feel as if they’re living the life they were meant to live. They are thrilled to look in the mirror every morning, and they never look back. Will this be you? I don’t know. You first have to decide why you don’t feel okay now, and whether or not it has anything to do with the body configuration you have now.

Let’s look at the social – being a “masculine” female is far more accepted in our culture than being a “feminine” male. As a “masculine” female, you can pretty much do what you want and present your gender in the way that you want to, as you have stated. Will you get grief sometimes? Of course. Will you be in danger sometimes? Possibly. But there are many women who live that way, because that is who they are.

However, there is a huge difference between being a “masculine” female and being a man. You have to decide which one you are, and which one you will be most comfortable living out your life as. You mention “people my age,” so I am assuming you are young. This means you have all the time in the world to decide who you are and what you want to do. There is no hurry. You are on no one’s timetable but your own.

I cannot advise you to transition, nor would I ever do so. I am a strong believer in therapy in this type of situation, and, even today, you will have some difficulty getting hormones and having any kind of surgery without a therapist’s letter (although it is becoming easier). But for you, I would advise therapy no matter what.

It is becoming increasingly easier to transition, and, in most cases, this is a good thing. But in some cases, it can be problematic, because there may be other things going on that need to be dealt with first, as I believe there are in your situation.

The reason to want to transition from female to male is because you are a man or male-identified. You will be making changes that are not easily reversed, and, in some cases, cannot be reversed. You can live a transmasculine or genderqueer life without transitioning.

And if you are questioning whether or not your reasons are enough to transition, I would recommend that you take some more time, spend some time in the trans community, spend time with trans men who have transitioned, and see if this rings true for you.

I would also strongly recommend that you find a competent therapist who knows something about gender issues or is willing to learn, and someone with whom you feel comfortable. If you don’t like the first one you choose, find another. But don’t do anything until you can answer the question “Is this enough reason to want to transition?” And then you will have your answer.

Readers, it’s finally your turn!

A reader writes: “I am not transgender, but a heterosexual female who is interested in a male that is coming out as a female, doing the HRT (hormone therapy), dressing, and transitioning as a women, but still keeping the male bits (wedding tackle), as it were.

“In your opinion, is it possible to succeed in a relationship? Will the HRT eventually lead to him not being able to have an erection, and what are the stats on long-term health issues here? Are we looking at a whole new area of health care for transgender folk?”

This one is definitely getting turned over to my readers – particularly the women. But I will make a valiant attempt to answer the questions with the knowledge that I have, and with the disclaimer that I obviously don’t have personal experience in this area. Let’s take a look:

In your opinion, is it possible to succeed in a relationship?

Yes, if you are both interested and willing to put in the effort. It is quite likely that you will be seen by the public (and by your partner) as a lesbian couple, and you both need to decide if that’s going to be comfortable for you. And you may have to adjust your thinking in other areas as well.

Will HRT eventually lead him to not being able to have an erection?

I don’t know. Everyone’s response to hormones is different. But, in many cases, this question is moot. I don’t know this particular individual, or why she is not having genital surgery (finances, health, preference), but if she is involved in hormone therapy and is going through the legal processes to transition from male to female, it is highly probable that she does not foresee participating in sexual interaction in a traditionally “male” role.

That doesn’t mean that she will not use her “wedding tackle” (although she may not), but it does mean that she may not be interested in sexual interaction in the way that you are picturing it. If a particular type of sexual interaction is important to you, you could be disappointed. It’s probably a good idea to have a discussion about sex if the two of you are looking at having a sexual relationship.

Your concern about her losing the ability to have an erection indicates that you see her “male bits” as important in a sexual relationship. She may or may not see them as important. She may very well not want to engage with them at all. If she is like the trans women I know, it will be essential to her that you see her as female and that you do not see her “bits” as “male bits.”

Only she knows how she needs to be seen and interacted with, both sexually and socially. If she hasn’t already made that clear, then a discussion is in order (and ongoing communication is always a good idea), because if your vision of your potential relationship and hers are very different, it can certainly be a roadblock, and it’s better for both of you to find out before you get in too deep.

What are the stats on long-term health issues here? Are we looking at a whole new area of health care for transgender folk?

I’m much more familiar with the health risks of testosterone, but I am aware of some health risks with estrogen, and I’m hoping that my women readers will clue us in on even more.

I am aware of an increased risk of breast cancer. I am also aware of an increased risk of blood clots and vein inflammation, particularly in the legs. Those taking hormones, both trans men and trans women, should have regular blood tests as well, to check liver function, hormone levels, and other areas that the doctor wants to monitor.

There are special medical considerations for trans people, but they’re not necessarily out of the realm of traditional medicine – they are just “non-traditional” for people of a particular sex.

For example, trans men who have not had genital surgery should still get PAP tests and pelvic exams. They can also, in some cases, be at higher risk for ovarian and uterine problems. For trans women, my understanding is that estrogen can protect against prostate cancer, but unless there is surgical intervention, they will still need to have some checkups.

So some medical concerns may not be ones that non-trans men and women have, but they are still “standard” medical concerns. However, it can be extremely frustrating to be treated by a doctor who is not aware of trans issues and health concerns. So doctors who are aware of, or specialize in, trans concerns are in demand.

In a way, it’s simply traditional medicine. In another way, it is a different realm, and those who are knowledgeable about trans issues are preferable to many trans people.

Now I will turn this over to the people with the most experience in this area – my women readers. And of course, guys are invited to chime in, too, and I know you will.

A reader writes: “How do you feel about the current climate in lesbian communities regarding trans men? Do you think that trans men are being fetishized/exoticized at the expense of allowing trans women into the fold? What sort of arguments would you make to lesbians who insist on pursuing trans men while eschewing cis men? The flip side would be, how could one change the current climate for gay trans men in the gay male community?”

I’m tempted to stop here, while I’m still ahead (because I haven’t said anything yet), and turn this over to the readers. The biggest difficulty in answering this one is that I’ve never been in the lesbian community.

I am, however, aware of some difficulties/controversies/situations. So I am going to attempt to answer these questions, with the disclaimer that my personal experience in this area is limited. The last question, dealing with gay men, is more up my alley, so I’m going to answer that one separately, in next week’s Ask Matt.

Now, on to the first three questions. This ought to be interesting, if only to watch me get myself in trouble. Let’s break it down:

1. How do you feel about the current climate in lesbian communities regarding trans men? I think there are many different climates, depending on the community in question.

When I first started to transition, I became aware of some conflict in certain communities based on the notion that trans men were “taking” femme lesbians away from butch lesbians. I was not involved with this conflict, and this was many years ago, so I don’t know if it still exists. My response would be that every woman can decide for herself who she wants to be with, so there is no “taking” of women in any situation where a woman has the ability to exercise her free will.

A related issue had to do with women in certain lesbian communities who saw in many trans men the adoption of culturally masculine norms and behaviors that the women found distasteful. They also saw  trans men as the recipients of male privilege, which is (understandably) problematic for those who have been denied privilege. I think this was part of the debate that had to do with trans men “taking” certain women. Again, I don’t know if that disagreement still exists. Readers can clue us in on that.

Recently, I have become aware of situations in which lesbians, genderqueer people who were assigned female at birth, and trans men have bonded in a sort of “anti-male” community that sees men and masculinity in general in a negative light. This, in turn, has caused the exclusion of trans women, who are, for reasons that I don’t understand, seen as “men.” I will address this further in the answer to the second question.

There are also those lesbians (and gay men) who would prefer to have nothing to do with trans people, because they don’t want to be seen as being like us in any way. This transphobia in the gay and lesbian community has a parallel, which is homophobia in the trans community. I have seen both many times.

In my own experience with lesbians in general interactions, such as with coworkers, friends, and professional contacts, I have found that the “average (non-trans) lesbian” is not any more aware of or knowledgeable about trans men or trans people than straight (non-trans) women are. So my own personal experience has been that we are as much a curiosity to non-trans lesbians (and gay men) as we are to non-trans straight women and men.

I would like to see all of this stuff – bickering, exclusions, phobias on both sides – worked out, so that we could all come together as a stronger and larger community, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. There’s too many of us and too many different communities with varying ideas about how things should be. This is just human nature. I think divisions and disagreements within and between large and diverse communities will always continue.

2. Do you think that trans men are being fetishized/exoticized at the expense of allowing trans women into the fold? In some circles, possibly.

As I mentioned above, I am aware of an “anti-male” climate in certain communities that include lesbians, self-identified genderqueer people who were assigned female at birth, and self-identified trans men who do not completely accept the “male” or “masculine” gender label. And I have heard of trans women being left out of these communities, and even denigrated by these communities, because of their “male” history.

This is unfortunate, because, in my opinion, gender-diverse communities are all discriminated against for very similar reasons, and to reject a certain population that faces discrimination similar to one’s own doesn’t really benefit anyone – not to mention that exclusion causes pain. And if some lesbians don’t think that they are “gender diverse,” I can say that the ultimate gender expectation for women in our culture is that they sleep with and love men. Anything other than that flies in the face of cultural gender norms.

However, my bottom-line feeling about grouping together to the exclusion of others is that, while it is unfortunate and detrimental, people choose their friends and they choose their communities. People are free to associate with anyone they want, and to refuse to associate with anyone they want – at least on a personal level. If certain communities form around an “anti-male” (or “anti-female”) bias, those communities have a right to exist, as long as the legal rights of others are not being violated.

In my opinion, any social or private political community that forms around a dislike of cultural masculinity, and wants to designate certain people as bearers of that cultural masculinity (whether they are right or wrong in their designation), has a right to do that. Is it damaging? It certainly can be. But it is not illegal. And messing with the concept of freedom of association – on private property, in situations that do not make use of government funding or fall under government regulations – is entering dangerous territory.

3. What sort of arguments would you make to lesbians who insist on pursuing trans men while eschewing cis men? I personally would make no arguments in this situation. Everyone has the right to pursue who they find attractive.

There are people who would make the argument that if a woman is a lesbian, it would follow that she should not find trans men attractive because they are men and the concept of “lesbian” incorporates an attraction to women only. However, in my mind, this is a problematic argument that utilizes labels to set boundaries on attraction and advances the idea that if we claim a label for ourselves, we must adhere to the strict guidelines implied by that label.

The argument would continue that if a lesbian finds a trans man attractive, then she doesn’t really see him as a man, and therefore he should not want to be with her because she is not seeing him as his true self. Again, this is a problematic argument because no one but she knows how she sees him, and no one but he knows whether or not it’s a problem.

I don’t think these arguments hold up, and I would not make them. I would never tell anyone who they should or shouldn’t find attractive or who they should or shouldn’t be with based on their personal labels or identities. So I have no arguments in this case.

And that is my take. For someone with limited experience, I sure had a lot to say. I’ll tackle that last question, about gay men and gay trans men, next week.

Now, let’s hear from some men and women with direct experience in these situations. Readers – you have the floor!

A reader writes: “I am dating a trans man and am really smitten. He transitioned more than 10 years ago. So far he has been very reluctant to be intimate with me other than some kissing and cuddling. My drive is rather high and I need affection. He tells me that he’s nervous because he has been celibate for a long time (over a year) and it has to do with past lovers.

“I don’t want to walk away from this but I think, as the cliché goes, that ‘he just isn’t that into me.’ When I bring this point up, he denies it. What’s a girl to do? I’ve never known any guy to not want sex. But I have known guys who, for whatever reason, don’t want to have sex with me. Do you or other trans guys have periods where your sex drive is low or nonexistent?”

I think everyone has periods of time where their sex drive is low or nonexistent. There’s a myth about trans men – perpetuated mostly by us – that we are rigid, ready, and rarin’ to go 24-7-365. The reason the myth continues to exist is because it’s not utterly untrue – especially for guys who are new to testosterone.

The first two years of my life on T was one gigantic sexual fantasy, whether I wanted it to be or not. The bisexual community used to have a magazine called Anything That Moves, and it was a tongue-in-cheek (or somewhere) title because bisexual people are always accused of being sexually promiscuous by people who don’t understand bisexuality. Really, that magazine title should be reserved for trans guys in their first two years of hormone therapy. Then we gradually learn to control it and move on to more important aspects of life.

But while most guys will attest to an increase (to put it mildly) in sex drive after starting T, it doesn’t happen to everyone and it doesn’t happen in the same way to everyone. And this guy’s been on T for ten years, so he’s not in the throes of adolescent agony that can happen at any age when testosterone is introduced into the system.

You don’t say how long you’ve been with this guy, but I think, from what you say, that there are some possibilities:

> He’s just not that into you. It’s possible, but I don’t buy it. If he wasn’t that into you, he wouldn’t be with you – not for long, anyway.

> He’s just not that into sex. Maybe sex is just not that important to him, and he doesn’t realize how important it is to you. The myth of the sex-crazed trans man can weigh heavy on guys who simply don’t feel that way. He may think he has to live up to some arbitrary sexual threshold that he just isn’t feeling.

> He really did have a bad experience in the past. It might have been more traumatic or painful than he is willing or able to discuss right now. It’s possible that he was rejected or made to feel inadequate because of his transsexual body. Or maybe he wasn’t rejected, but something happened during sex that caused him to feel self-conscious or inadequate, and his partner at the time was unable to convince him that it wasn’t a problem.

> Someone has broken his heart and he is still recovering and afraid to get close to anyone else. Sex is a very intimate act, and it can lead to romantic entanglements that he may not be ready for at the moment.

> He’s worried that he will not be able to please you. If you have a high sex drive, and if you have been intimate with a lot of men, including non-trans men, he may be afraid that he will not “measure up” – in more ways than one. “Performance anxiety” is a common malady among men, trans and non-trans. Trans men have an extra hurdle sometimes, especially those who worry about being compared to non-trans men.

> There is something about his body that is bothering him – aside from the more common aspects of having a transsexual man’s body. It might not have anything to do with him being trans. It could be something else entirely.

> His age, culture, and/or upbringing are factors. You don’t say how old he is, and I’m going to assume that he’s younger than me, but I know that, when I was female, I sometimes ran into the old-fashioned, unfortunately named (and incredibly sexist) “Madonna/whore complex.” It’s a very textbook thing, but it’s really out there.

I met guys who were hesitant to sleep with me because they had grown up with the notion that you have sex with “bad girls” and you marry “good girls.” If they had any romantic feelings for me, those feelings interfered with their ability to enjoy rip-roaring, down-and-dirty sex with me. I’m not making this up. If he’s under 50 or so, you’re not going to run into this as much, and the younger he is, the less likely this is a possibility. But depending on his upbringing, it’s not unheard of at any age.

> There’s something else going on in his life – something that has nothing to do with you, sex, being trans, or his body, and he is distracted by this other problem or situation.

These are only a few possible answers, and I’m only speculating. I know nothing about him other than what you’ve told me. But you need to know more about him. The bottom line is communication. You both have to feel comfortable enough to talk about this. If you have not been together long, he may not yet be at that point of comfort. But you need to gradually work into it.

If you put demands or pressures on him, give him ultimatums, or point out that he’s “different” from other guys you know – trans or not – that could serve to make him feel more inadequate if he already feels that way. But you also have a right to have your sexual needs met in a relationship, which is why you need to be able to talk about what you want.

Sex does not have to be intercourse, and there are things that you can do to initiate closeness without the pressure to perform. Touching, massage, sleeping together (just sleeping – closely), showers together (depending on body issues), watching erotic movies together – these are some things that can be done with no expectation that they will lead to anything other than exactly what they are. But they are things that can bring you closer together physically.

Communication will bring you closer together emotionally. And it will hopefully eventually lead to discovering what the “problem” is, if there is, in fact, a problem. It could also be that the two of you simply do not have compatible sex drives. If you reach that point in the discussion, then each of you has to figure out if the relationship is worth saving or working on. If it is, then you each will have to give a little and take a little in order to please the other. That’s what most relationships are built on – give and take.

But first, he has to know how you’re feeling, and not just, “You must not be into me.” He’s already said he is. So you need to be honest with him about what your needs are and listen to him when he tells you his. Counseling is sometimes helpful, but may be jumping the gun if the relationship is new. If it’s worth saving for both of you, patience, communication, and honestly are the words to live by – at least for now.

Forget what you think you know about men and their sex drives. Find out about this particular guy and his particular sex drive. One size does not fit all. Find out who he is and what he wants, and expect him to do the same. If he’s not interested in what you want, or in trying to please you, then you may eventually need to move on.

You might want to check out a similar post, “Ask Matt Monday: In Bed with a Trans Man,” and look at the reader comments. The guys who commented each had something important to say.

Good luck and take it slow – but not so slow that you end up unhappy and frustrated. Keep those lines of communication open, and widen them if you have to. And don’t give up – until it’s time to give up. You’ll know.

And now let’s hear from my very wise readers, who always think of something I don’t.

I recently switched pharmacies, and although I’m much happier with the new one, I have to break in a new batch of medical professionals – and they have to figure out how to deal with my insurance company.

As I’ve said before, my insurance company tends to decide what sex I am based on what they don’t want to pay for. So far, my new pharmacy hasn’t had any problems – high cholesterol and acid reflux know no gender.

But this weekend, I had to have a male-related prescription transferred over – and this is when my insurance company decided that I was female. No worries – when it comes time to pay for a PAP test and pelvic exam, I’ll magically become male again.

When I arrived to pick up my prescription, the new pharmacist said, “Oh, you’re Matt Kailey! I was just going to call you. Your insurance company has you as female! They didn’t want to pay for this, but I took care of that. You need to call and correct it, though. I don’t know why they have that mistake on their records.”

I said, “Well, I do. I’m male with a female history.”

He said, “Doesn’t matter. You just need to call them, because otherwise I’ll have to do battle with them every time.”

He was so jovial about the whole thing that I didn’t even mind that there were two other people standing in line behind me who heard the whole exchange. In fact, I think it’s good for them.

I like exposing bystanders to unexpected trans situations. It shows them that we live among ‘em, and it gives them something to talk about when they get home that’s much more fascinating than “I had to stand in line for five minutes at the pharmacy today.” And the pharmacist got a chuckle out of the whole thing. I made his job a little bit more interesting for the day, as well.

Once again, though, we run headfirst into the wall that insurance companies create for people with “non-standard” bodies. Men don’t take this and women don’t take that. Men don’t have this procedure and women don’t have that one. There’s no gray area. There’s no room for anything but textbook situations.

I’m sure that the insurance companies can argue, “Well, if we pay for one man to have a pelvic exam, then every man will want one!” I don’t think you have to worry about that, folks.

And people who need medication and medical procedures that cross sex and gender lines are not what’s sucking the system dry. In fact, we’re saving you money because many of us are so tired of dealing with a sex-specific system or so terrified of having to navigate it that we’re not even getting the basic medical care that we need.

So once again, I argue for getting rid of the medical system that’s been established along binary sex and gender categories. Thousands of men aren’t going to be lining up to lie on a cold exam table with their feet in stirrups anytime soon – unless they absolutely have to.

But I love my new pharmacist. This is the first time that anyone’s gone to bat for me with the insurance companies. I’m usually standing out in left field alone, waiting to get hit on the head with a fly ball.

(Ooh, a baseball analogy – how manly is that? Pass the testosterone – and change that “F” on my insurance papers to “This person pays enough in premiums to warrant whatever small amount of coverage is requested.”)

Thoughts?

(For more insurance irritations, check out my guest post on Womanist Musings about aging and health insurance – I’m getting it from all sides, now.)

Bernard Prieur, a psychoanalyst and author of “Money in Couples,” says men who earn less than their partners struggle with two insecurities: “They feel socially and personally vulnerable. Socially, they go against millennia of beliefs and stereotypes that see them as the breadwinner. And the success of their partner also often gives them a feeling of personal failure,” Mr. Prieur said in the November issue of the French magazine Marie-Claire.

The author of this piece, after using an obligatory Sex and the City example to introduce her exploration of modern relationships, opens the article with this question:  “Is female empowerment killing romance?”

That made the women of the group almost spit up their happy hour cocktails.

“Yes, that’s the pressing question, isn’t it?”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, who does make more money at pimping than her husband Arawn does at running their local Wiccan shop.  “Not whether centuries of traditions and gender expectations are outdated and irrelevant, but whether women having the same opportunities and success that men have enjoyed since the dawn of humanity is the real culprit behind the supposed decline of romance.”

“Oh, and this dreck was written by a woman too,”  says Tina the Lesbian, shaking her head.  “Damn you Lance Patriarchy and your devious methods of getting women to work against their own best interests on such a regular basis!”

This particular quote gets Ninja Vicki’s metaphorical goat (though we suspect she probably stole the metaphorical goat from someone)…

“It is amazing how even many liberal-minded men end up having sexual and emotional difficulties being with more obviously successful women,” said Sasha Havlicek, the 35-year-old chief executive of a London research group. A high-flying friend of hers resorted to ritually feigning helplessness with her partner to promote his sense of masculinity.

“Maybe it’s because I’m a ninja, but feigning helplessness to boost someone’s fragile ego sounds really insulting,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “If I’m feigning helplessness, it’s because I’m laying a trap not because I want some guy who can’t handle making less money than me not to feel bad about not meeting some outdated expectation of masculinity.”

“Hey, maybe this article has a point,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Ninja Vicki is a successful thief and murderer, maybe that’s the real reason she doesn’t get dates and not because she’s an awful human being with more personal issues than Beverly Hills 90210, Dawson’s Creek, Felicity, Party of Five, and My So Called Life merging together to create some sort of Weepy Drama Voltron.”

“Bitch, I will fucking cut you!”

As Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy take their ensuing screaming match and inevitable sword fight outside the bar, we see what the men of Renal Failure think of the article.

“Samurai Cathy makes more than me,”  says Mikka.  “And I’m cool with that, mainly because pretty much everyone makes more than me in their jobs.  I’d need to date an entry-level crack whore to find a woman who makes less money than me.”

“Hell, I like it when a broad makes more than me,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “It means she’s got nicer stuff and can pay for her own damn dinner.  Also it probably means she’s on some really good birth control so I can stop wasting money on condoms and get back to fucking like we used to do in the 1970′s before AIDS scared the shit out of everyone.”

“Cats don’t have this issue, thus proving we are the superior creature,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  He makes more than his wife Marlie, who is a stay-at-home drunk.  “These men aren’t upset that their woman makes more than them, they’re upset at what other people think about it and they take it out on the person who had nothing to do with it, the successful woman in question.  If something is bothering a cat, they go to the source of their problem and take care of it.  Cats don’t do this transference bullshit.”

“No one is more successful than Tag Larkin,”  says Tag Larkin.  We try to point out that many people make more money at their jobs than the 8.85 an hour he makes at Chickensian Dystopia, but Tag Larkin will have none of it.  “Tag Larkin has redefined success, among other terms.  Like ‘compromise’ and ‘tactful’ and ‘felonious assault.’”

“Maybe it’s not that men are necessarily turned off by successful women but it’s more that we don’t even think we have a shot at a woman if she makes more than we do,”  I say.  “Like the Sex and the City example she gives is Miranda saying she’s a stewardess instead of a lawyer and the dude she’s dating saying he’s a doctor instead of a guy who’s a shoe salesman.  Maybe that’s what should have been the focus: do successful women date men who are not nearly as successful or do they only want men who make as much or more than them?  It’s certainly a more interesting focal point than ‘Is female empowerment killing romance?’ whether the point is true or not.’”

And apparently by the time I make my statement the cops are pulling into the parking lot to break up Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy’s fight.  Well, mainly they’re just asking Cathy why she’s in a parking lot with a sword because like a good ninja Vicki is not there; she disappeared as soon as she heard the sirens.  Luckily Cathy won’t be getting arrested because she has a carry permit for her sword.  There’s a female cop out on the scene.  Maybe I should ask her if she would date a man who made less money than her… but I don’t want to get tased so early in the week.

1. It is all crap. Well, mostly. Play School has continued to be excellent for years and years and years. But the kids’ TV that I have been exposed to over the past few years has seemed weird, creepy and unnecessarily dumbed down.

2. Other than the programming being weird and creepy, its also setting kids up to be voracious consumers. Even the laudable Play School has a huge range of branded stuff that you can buy. My optimistic theory is that if a kid has never been a television watcher then (before they hit school age, anyway) their clothes are just their clothes, not an opportunity to wear Dora.

3. On top of the brand-induced consumer training is the advertising. Oh the horror. And again, my fervent hope is that not being exposed to the relentless pressure (and it truly is relentless, not to mention exquisitely engineered to succeed – nothing in advertising is accidental) will cut down on small’s potential pestering power. This point could be briefly summarised as: 3. We are tightarses.

4. There are so few years in anyone’s life when their imaginative and creative powers are so alight as in childhood. It is no exaggeration that the first seven years are magical. Absorbed in play, a young child isn’t thinking ‘this acorn can be a tea cup’, they’re thinking ‘this is a teacup’. Sadly, that power disappears, never to return. The more specific purpose toys kids have, the less they need to engage their imagination. Likewise, television.

5. For us it’s just not necessary*. And yes, I know I may change my tune when we have more children, or less patience, or something. But for now we’re fine. Never mind actual toys, chooks or the garden, small goes through phases of fascination with different parts of the house. For a few months small would spend half his morning putting things down the heating vents. Then it was hurling random stuff into the bath. Currently the washing machine is his love interest. Pushing its buttons, putting things in and out of it, watching it spin, trying to climb into it…hours of entertainment, and occasionally quite helpful – put a basket near the load of clean washing and half of it will find its way in.

6. As one friend of mine can wearily attest, it’s addictive. You start with excellent ideals, one hour a week, only with mama, not during meals. Before too long you have a withdrawing-addict-monster-child, clawing their way past you for their next hit.

And then there is this:

7.

Hey small, you can be anything you want! As long as it involves wearing black and being in charge of blowing stuff up.

*    *    *

*For the sake of full disclosure – we do have a TV and we do watch it. We aim, with varying degrees of success, to maintain a policy of ‘no TV while small is awake’. Notable exceptions being sport and MasterChef. And Glee.

A reader writes: “Assuming people don’t realize you’re trans when they meet you, have you noticed a difference in the way strangers treat you since you transitioned? Do you get more respect as a man than you did as a woman?”

These are interesting questions and ones that I get asked a lot. And my answers are “Yes” and “Sometimes.”

I have noticed a definite difference in the way I’m treated by strangers, but it is not always a positive difference. For example:

> People are not as nice to me as they were when I was female. My theory: Men don’t smile as much as women do, and therefore are not perceived to be as “nice” or as “friendly” as women are. Because of this perception, strangers assume that I, as a man, will not be as friendly as a woman might be, and so they are not as friendly to me to begin with.

> People do not offer help to me like they did when I was female. My theory: People – both men and women, but particularly men – assume that women are less capable than men are, so they are more likely to offer help to a woman than they are to a man. They assume that a man can do things for himself, find things in stores, find his way when he’s lost, and so on. Also, because I was an attractive female by traditional Western standards, straight men were more likely to help me or offer help for reasons of their own.

> People are not as forgiving of my mistakes. My theory: People expect more of men based on the male dominance, power, and privilege that is at the root of our culture. They don’t expect, nor do they easily tolerate, mistakes from men. Women in our culture are seen as “lesser,” and are therefore more easily forgiven for mistakes (“She’s a woman – what did you expect?”).

None of these things are “right,” as in “acceptable,” and none of these things are “right,” as in “correct.” But these are some things I have noticed.

With regard to respect, I am aware that many trans men say that they get much more respect now – that they are listened to, that their thoughts and ideas are given more weight, that they are allowed to speak without interruption, and that they are agreed with much more.

And, from trans women, I have heard the opposite – that they are interrupted more often, that their ideas are dismissed, and that they are patronized by others, particularly by men.

I believe it. I have no doubt. I personally have not noticed this much in my own life, but I believe that I have not for a few reasons:

> I have made no attempt to exert the power that I have or to command (or demand) the respect that I am probably now “eligible” to receive.

> I carry a great deal of female socialization with me still, and that socialization stems from 1950s and 1960s U.S. culture. It is very strongly ingrained in my being, which sometimes results in traditional “female” hesitancy, deference, and asking a question rather than making a statement. I am a product of my culture and my generation, as well as of transitioning later in life.

> Because of both of the above, as well as for other reasons, I am seen as a “gay” man by strangers, which, in certain situations, limits the amount of respect that I receive.

I have been criticized a couple of times for saying that male power and privilege do not exist – the problem with that criticism is that I have never said that. I believe that male power and privilege absolutely exist and that they are the basis for U.S. culture (even though I tend to think that the phrase “U.S. culture” is an oxymoron).

What I have said in the past that has triggered this criticism is that I have a hard time recognizing my male power and privilege because I’m not used to it (and I really don’t want it), and that being trans supersedes any male power and privilege that I do have, because once my transness comes to light, all bets are off.

So while I believe that the additional respect is out there for the taking, I’m not comfortable with it and I have not actively grabbed it. I do believe, though, that it’s there, and that I am privy to it in ways that I don’t even recognize.

Having white privilege all my life has probably blinded me to any increased privilege that I now receive as a white man. I am far more aware of my white privilege than I am of my male privilege – and again, I think that has to do with my culture and my generation.

And this is why I want to hear from my readers, because I know that there are so many different experiences out there that need to be told. What about it, readers? In what ways are you treated differently since you transitioned (from female to male or from male to female), and do you get more or less respect now?

Trans issues aren’t always black and white, and most questions aren’t easily answered with a “yes” or “no.”

But I was speaking to a college class the other day, and the professor had an interesting exercise for the students. He took five minutes, went down the rows, and had each students ask me a question that I could only answer with “yes,” “no,” or “pass.” It reminded me of the “Lightning Round” on that old TV show Password.

It was hard, especially for a blabber like me (and it still is – as you’ll see). But since I don’t have a specific Ask Matt question today, I’m going to try to recreate my “Lightning Round” with some of the questions that the students asked. So set the timer, and here goes:

If you did have genital surgery, would Viagra work? No.

Do a lot of straight women flirt with you now? (Define “a lot,” but …) Yes.

Do you/would you have vaginal sex? Yes.

Could you get pregnant now? No. (But some guys do.)

Do you still have your period? No. (Not since December, 1997.)

Do you miss anything about being female? Yes. (The clothes.)

Could you legally marry a man? No. (Not in Colorado … in Texas, possibly.)

Are you more visually oriented now? Yes.

Do you like cars? No.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. (But I’ve valiantly attempted to break up a couple of them.)

If you wanted to go back, could you? Yes. (But it would be difficult.)

Do you get rejected by gay guys? Yes. (But so do non-trans gay guys.)

Do you have any regrets? Yes.

Would you do it over again, knowing what you know now? Yes.

Are you happier now? Ummm …

I get this last one a lot, and it’s really hard for me to answer. Many other trans people I know would say “Yes” without hesitation. But “happy” is such a relative term, with so many variables that affect it.

I’m more comfortable (most of the time); I’m more content (most of the time); I feel more “okay” (most of the time); I feel more like me (most of the time).

Am I glad I transitioned? Yes. Am I happier? It honestly depends on the day, the hour, the minute.

So I say, “Pass.”

What would readers say to that? Or to any of these questions? And for the speakers out there, what kinds of questions do you get?

1. The Motherhood Games
A few weeks ago, we talked about the courtroom that has become motherhood, with all the judgment. This week, on Redbook.com, blogger Alice Bradley looks at motherhood as competitive sport. Bradley pulls the curtain on “the social pressure, the feelings of inadequacy, the urge to excel” that too many of us feel as we set out on mission impossible: being the perfect mom.

One of the “events” at The Motherhood Games is about sleep—when baby sleeps through the night, how baby naps, etc. There isn’t a contest around the sleep you’re getting … because, of course, you’re not getting much. So it was good to see WebMD offering new moms 10 tips on how to get more sleep.

The closing ceremonies of the Games, should be this video from Nummies (the nursing bra company). Just like the last question MMM asks mothers in our “I Used to Be Me” section (What advice would you tell yourself, if you could go back to those early days/weeks of motherhood?), this message in the video should remind moms—newbies and vets—that we’re all on the same playing field.

2. On Leave
Any discussion of new moms almost surely includes talk of maternity leave. Last month, Newsweek cover story was about the best countries in the world. The best place* to have a baby? France, thanks to the paid leave (as much as seven months!), low-cost health care, baby nurses who makes house calls, and this: if mom is sick, the French government sends someone over to do the family’s laundry. Magnifique, oui?
[*See more of Newsweek's fun winners' list, like best place to fly a kite, here.]

Over on Slate.com’s Double X, one Swedish father writes about the joys of his 18-month, paid paternal leave.

Weird segue here, but we’re taking it … my husband sent me this case report about a man who genuinely believed he was preggers—two different times!

3. Mr. Roboto
When I say robot, what pops into your mind? Grey, square box with stiff arms and an Auto-Tune voice? Or a silver Tin Man-like dude dancing? If you voted for the latter, you’re like 30 percent of the kids from this new study that looks at children’s perceptions of robots and, moreover, that teaching them how robots are really used in the world could help “create a new generation of designers to build revolutionary machines.”

On Salon.com, there was talk of learning and kids, too. No robots, though. This post is about gender expectations and how they play out in the classrooms, specifically the way boys are often stereotyped as not as hard-working or well-behaved as their female classmates.

Speaking of gender differences and kids, MSNBC.com gets into the topic of boys and aggression and how, as some psychologists now believe, trying to shut down boys’ violent play (i.e., roughhousing and toy gun shoot-outs, not real beat-downs) might do more harm than good. Researchers say that by allowing boys to play fight, they may actually learn impulse control.

4. Baby Boom Gone Bust?
A quick spin through your nearby playground would make you think different, but the birth rate in the U.S. is alarmingly low. Like, hasn’t been this low in 100 years low. Social scientists are drawing links to the dip in baby-making to the drastic drop in the Dow in this current recession.

But no need to panic about “birth dearth” just yet, we’re told. The numbers in the U.S., though lower that usual, are still higher than many other wealthy nations. Still, birth dearth? Catchy, yes, but scary-sounding too, right?

5. In the Bag
I saw this funny bit on BabyCenter’s Momformation about mom bags—not at all like mom jeans, thank goodness. Women, for the most part, carry big bags. In fact, it’s fashionable to have an oversize tote slung over your forearm (Not shoulder. Think fab, folks.). But stop any mom on the corner and ask her what’s in her bag … be ready. Check out what this one mom is hauling around.

Moms, what’s in your bag on any given day? Leave your list in the comments below. Or, better, post a photo of it. I’m going to try it. Join me!

That’s it for this week. Let’s hope the weather cools off a bit so we can all have a lovely, swelter-free Labor Day Weekend.
Be safe and enjoy.

See next week, yes?

It took me a while to figure out the whole “topless transgender men” controversy that’s been reported on multiple news sites for the past few days. When I first heard about it, I thought that trans men, post chest surgery, had taken off their shirts and received complaints, which made no sense, but when it comes to trans people and ridiculous legalities, nothing really surprises me anymore.

When I read further, I thought that trans men who had not had surgery had taken off their shirts, which I found to be curious, because I couldn’t picture a group of trans men getting together and deciding to do this. It wouldn’t be unthinkable, but I have met hundreds of trans men over the course of the past 13 years, and most of them are not interested in displaying a non-surgical chest at the beach.

I was finally able to determine that these were, in fact, trans women, and once again, the news outlets got it wrong. I’m still not sure what the real story is, because “news” sources are so often interested in sensationalizing us that an accurate description of what actually happened in a situation can elude readers for weeks, if not forever.

It seems, though, that some trans women went to Rehoboth Beach in Delaware — which is not a topless beach — and proceeded to take off their swimsuit tops, revealing their breasts. When asked to cover up, they refused, citing their genitalia, which they claimed allowed them to legally go topless. A police chief apparently agreed, saying that there were no laws to cover this and that their “male genitalia” made it legal for them to go topless, regardless of their top-surgery status.

The women’s argument is almost a reverse version of my own dismay — or wonder — at being able to take off my T-shirt after chest surgery, even though I had the same genitalia that I have always had. Twenty-four hours before my chest surgery, I would have been arrested for taking off my shirt in public. Afterward, I could walk around shirtless with abandon. The only difference was the removal of excess fat and tissue.

But, just like the dissonance I grapple with regarding Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin, situations like this create an internal tailspin for me.

I think our culture’s fascination with, and sexualization of, female breasts is ridiculous. In my little idealized world, anyone could choose to go without a shirt and it would be no big deal. It would be no big deal because, in my little idealized world, female breasts would not be sexualized — at least not in the way that they are in Westernized cultures (it’s possible not to sexualize breasts, and certain cultures do not — we have established the way we think about breasts).

Also in my little idealized world, sex and gender would not be an either/or proposition determined (sometimes falsely) by genitalia. So there would be no laws that made distinctions between “men” and “women.”

But I don’t live in my little idealized world. And in the U.S., there are laws that say that women can’t go topless because of our oversexualized view of the female body. So then my dissonance kicks in.

If you are going to live in the U.S. as a female, then there are certain (probably unjust) rules and laws that you have to abide by until such time (if ever) that those rules and laws are changed. BUT how will those rules and laws change if people don’t take it upon themselves to demonstrate the absurdity of those very rules and laws?

AND, although I don’t think that trans people are in any way required to shake down existing rules, laws, and cultural standards (and many don’t want to), I think that those who do want to are part of the solution to relaxing what I consider to be our overly strict and impractical cultural sex and gender norms. BUT I know quite a few trans people who are no doubt appalled at these women taking off their tops and using their genitalia as a legal argument, AND I know that something like this can be damaging to the way trans people in general are viewed, because people love to generalize when it suits their purposes. BUT, in my opinion, we can’t control the message.

REGARDLESS, those trans people who do decide to really buck the system with arguments using their genitalia will unfortunately face misgendering in the media, because we just aren’t there yet. HOWEVER, we won’t get there without people who decide to buck the system in highly radical ways — which leaves me, once again, not quite knowing what my opinion is on this situation (while definitely finding the “transgender men” headlines and references in the media completely inappropriate and in violation of current media standards, including AP standards).

So what do you think, folks? Problematic stunt or necessary activism? I would love to hear opinions. And, if someone knows, I would love to hear what really happened.

(Photo: me, topless at the beach, circa 1958)

To quote Frank Sinatra: Regrets, I’ve had a few — but never about transition (Frankie didn’t say that last part — I don’t think).

But there are people who have regretted transition — or at least there are some who have “gone back” for various reasons. The new film Regretters, which is currently making the film-festival circuit, profiles two of them — two Swedish men, now in their 60s, who transitioned from male to female and then back again.

I haven’t seen the film, but from the short video interview with the filmmaker (below, from Canada’s xtraonline), it appears that both might have had unrealistic expectations about transition. It’s also possible that they might not have been properly prepared by any support people they might have been working with.

However, in the defense of those support people — doctors, therapists, and any community supports — people tend to hear what they want to hear and believe what they want to believe. All of us — trans and non-trans — have a tendency to filter out the information that doesn’t jibe with our own beliefs, desires, and expectations.

It does surprise me that Mikael, who transitioned in 1994, was taken aback by the results of his surgery, upset that his former genitalia was gone, and filled with immediate regret. It would seem that, by 1994, this would have been something that a therapist would have reviewed with him many times prior to his surgery. But I’m not familiar with Sweden’s policies or therapy requirements — and again, he might have heard only what he wanted to hear.

According to the filmmaker, Orlando also had immediate regrets after surgery. But he transitioned in 1967 and probably had a much different experience surrounding transition. The only way to truly discover both of their experiences is to see the film, which I hope will come to Colorado soon.

One thing about transition is that it doesn’t solve every problem. It solves one problem, and, in the process, often creates others — problems that can’t always be properly anticipated and that only become obvious when they are experienced firsthand.

The “stuck factor” of being trans is always there for some people and can complicate things for even the most determined and confident of us. Society’s expectations of us, as well as our own expectations of ourselves, have a way of weighing us down.

If society had been different, would these individuals’ experiences have been different? The filmmaker says that both of them would have chosen a “third option” if it would have been available.

Based on the little I have seen, this film promises to be fascinating. I would love to hear from those who have seen it and from those trans people in Sweden who can offer insights as well.

Male
Or
Female?

All these forms
Ask the wrong question:

Male
Or
Female?

All these forms
Should ask the right question:

Human
Or
Not?

~Kathleen Murphy

Actual sad picture and actual sad caption from Cnn.com

Sometimes I like to glance around the frantic front page of the CNN “News” website, just for fun.  If I’m lucky, I may stumble across a headline that accidentally conveys some level of information about something that happened in the world.  It’s also a great way to find out the latest “teen trends,” how to tell if your baby is too fat, and which celebrities have fucked up lately.  CNN’s level of self-awareness about their accidentally funny news is sometimes difficult to assess– and today, one article in particular has me scratching my head.

The article, “Housecleaning improves my relationships,” is either a wildly oppressive affirmation of traditional gender expectations… or its a fun piece of satire!  Please, please help me figure out which!  The piece, which comes originally from Oprah.com (somehow making its intent even more ambiguous) tells the story of a woman who cleaned her house, then her husband got really happy about the clean house.  That’s about it.  The author writes,

By day’s end, the office was spotless and I felt alive! Apparently, the sight of a clutter-free desk put a twinkle in my neatnik husband’s eye. He liked that clean office. A lot.

Let’s just say the equation looked a little like this:

Clean office + Appreciative husband = Most enthusiasm since Great Garage Cleanout of ’07 [emphasis in original]

If this is not a joke, it may be the most depressing paragraph ever penned by a human being.  And unless “Great Garage Cleanout of ’07″ is some sort of wonderful sexual euphemism, she doesn’t even specify how it was her husband showed his appreciation.  My guess is there was no wild sex on the desk in the office, because that would have cluttered things up again!

The author goes on to imagine all the other ways that cleaning will make the people in her life love her.  She makes a couple of dark, mildly amusing jokes about her 81-year-old mother falling off a stepladder, which put me more in the “This is actually supposed to be funny” camp, but take a look at the remarkably earnest CNN story highlights:

All evidence points to sincerity.  This article, like most commercials for cleaning products, characterizes women as obsessive cleaners with an inherent instinct for solving problems by cleaning up after everyone around them.  As a woman for whom immaculateness does not come naturally, I’ve always felt like I don’t measure up, like it’s manly to not be a clean-freak.  Like my very femininity can be measured by my tolerance for clutter.  And I can tolerate a WHOLE lot of clutter, but aren’t I still a woman???

CNN and Oprah.com have teamed up to convince us that this is not only news, but news that women should care about.  If you’re feeling alienated from the loved ones in your life, give your house a good, thorough cleaning, and maybe they’ll start to notice you again.  Be sure to bring some Swiffers with you to wipe away the tears you leave on your way.

When my dad had his gall bladder out a few years later, we all just showed up.

When my mom got her stuffed goat, she hugged it to her chest and said, “Oh, it’s just what I wanted.” Then she snuggled up to it and went back to sleep. If we would have brought a goat — or any other stuffed animal — to my dad, he would have smiled at it, put it on the bedside table, and gone back to sleep. As he improved, it probably would have found its way into a drawer.

A stuffed animal to snuggle up to when you’re feeling lousy is really very comforting. But while it’s perfectly acceptable for women to need and accept that comfort, no matter what their age, any male over the age of four who clutches a stuffed animal is setting himself up for misery far greater than having his gut sliced open and his gall bladder yanked out.

Which brings me to my hippo.

When I had my gall bladder out at 40 (this is a family tradition), I was still female, and my sister came to the hospital with a stuffed hippo that she gave me just as I was waking up. Like my mother before me, I took the hippo and held on. It was the perfect size and shape for snuggling, and I felt no shame at all in having it with me, even when the nurses came in to check on me or when they finally brought me a really sick roommate.

When I recovered, the hippo came home with me and found some kind of perch in the bedroom, where he stayed until I started transition a couple years later. About a month into my transition, I gave away all my women’s clothes, a case full of expensive makeup and nail polish, a box full of jewelry — pretty much everything that had been useful to me in my role as a woman. And then I came to the hippo.

More than once that hippo went into the donation box, and more than once he came out again. That hippo had seen me through what had been, at that point, the worst and most painful medical procedure of my life. He was soft, snuggly, and still very cute. I simply could not part with him. So he moved with me to my new apartment and immediately became the overseer of my new closet.

My hippo has spent the last 13 years in the closet (much like me in my early life). But in that time, he’s had three respites — because in that time, I’ve had three hideous fevers.

The first time I got sick, I was lying in bed in a sweatshirt, sweat pants, and socks, with every blanket I owned piled on top of me, and I was still shivering and shaking with unbearable chills. I didn’t know how I was ever going to get warm. And then I remembered my hippo.

I thought about getting up and fetching him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it — not because I was too sick to get up, but because I was a guy. No guy, no matter how sick, would bring a stuffed animal into his bed to keep him warm. But I was freezing. But I was a guy. But I was shivering violently. But I was a guy. But I was miserable. But I was a guy. But my hippo was my only hope.

I fought with myself for an hour before I got up, went to the closet, and got that hippo. Even in my fever-induced delirium, I pulled him out, rushed back to bed, and stuck him under the covers in case my neighbors could see through the walls. But then I wrapped my arms around him and instantly started to warm up. It was sort of like having the body heat of another person there. That hippo was keeping me warm.

When my fever subsided, he went back into the closet, but the next time it happened, and the third time, I pulled him out immediately, knowing that he would be the remedy. Believe me, I’d rather have a dog, but the landlord doesn’t allow it. And as long as I don’t have a real human being to keep me warm when I’m really sick (and no human being wants to be near me when I’m that sick, anyway), I’ve got my hippo.

The moral is that sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do — and sometimes, he’s gotta admit it. I’m just glad that he’s a hippo and not a teddy bear or a Raggedy Ann doll.

(Photo: my hippo in his usual home)

I looked around again this year and saw Germany celebrating the day the wall opened without a nod at the real history of the day: that it’s the anniversary of Kristallnacht.

As I saw blogger after blogger and newstory after newstory fail to mention the coincident dates (which were the reason that official German Reunification day was instead set in October), I became depressed.

To that I added the overwhelming rape apologism that I saw surrounding Roman Polanski’s much-delayed arrest, including his support by people who I actually admired (at least one of whom, when shown facts, recanted that support).

I started reading books more. And I liked them more.

This is a personal blog. It’s used as a vehicle for conveying information and pictures to my friends and family and to act as a diary (I have a notoriously bad memory and am awful at keeping print diaries). It’s also an open hand to meet people in a strange land and people who have some of the same experiences that I do:

• Working professional who is now SAHM,
• Stranger in a strange land,
• Older person attempting to learn a new language, from necessity rather than desire
• New mom dealing with the ups and downs of having children in a strange land
• Negotiating the shoals of a school system unlike my own in a foreign language
• Missing my homeland and seeing my new and old home through foreign eyes
• Being Jewish in a country which was the architect and hands of the will to murder my people, and which succeeded to a vast extent in doing so and exploring my religion and its tradition and rituals as my family grows
• Living in Germany as the child of an Auschwitz survivor and the mother of German Jewish children and needing, at an age I feel too young, to explain these issues to them in the least traumatic way possible
• Living, on a daily basis, with the visible symbol of the antisemitism of Europe: the high walls and bulletproof gates of the schools, community gathering places and synagogues I frequent and the 24 hour police guard they require
• Being a woman and dealing with the intrinsic sexism and misogyny of Western culture, where white male privilege is so pervasive that a white Christian male can tell a Jewish female that her views on sexism and racism are just hysteria and in her mind
• Being the the parent of two small girls who are growing up in this society and how to strengthen them against it and prepare them for individuals who will tell them that their beliefs and experiences are invalid.

This is not a political blog nor an economics blog nor a literary blog. It is not a feminist blog nor a conservation blog nor a mommy blog.

This is my personal blog and I talk about all those things because they are part of who am I am. Don’t read and don’t comment if these issues don’t speak to you. I have reached a place in my life- a place of calmness- where the ad hominem attack hits the wastebasket and the individual who launches it is removed from my sphere of acquaintances. And that is how it should be.

I am not dependent physically, emotionally or financially on those strangers or acquaintances who pass through my blog gates. I enjoy meeting others, but it’s a voluntary activity on both parts.

This is my safe space and I will keep it that way.

*(And for those who care, this is a wonderfully succinct link to Feminism 101 FAQ over at Shakesville).

Although, regardless of what the press said, Beatie was not the first trans man to become pregnant or give birth, when his first pregnancy hit the media machine, I found myself mildly interested.

When he became pregnant a second time, it was old news.

Now he’s pregnant again, and the media people, for some reason, continue to act as if they’d never seen a pregnant trans man before. But they have — Thomas Beatie.

This is nothing against Beatie. It’s the media that wants to make something out of nothing. Give it a rest, people. Let the Beaties live their lives in peace. I’m sure Jessica Simpson is doing something that somebody cares about right now. Check that out instead.

While I know that there are some trans people — and some trans men in particular — who cringe every time a trans guy gets pregnant, it really doesn’t bother me that much (other than the fact that I truly believe that, in order to salvage this planet, parents need to replace themselves only and then stop — Beatie’s on number three, but so are a lot of people, so I can’t single him out as the poster boy for my overpopulation angst).

I know that some people worry that pregnant trans men make it difficult for the non-trans world to take us seriously, and that a baby-toting Beatie undermines the progress of our movement.

But as I’ve said before, it’s impossible to control the message. There are too many of us, with too many different messages and too many different experiences, to be managed. And the Internet, while being an incredible boon to trans people everywhere, has a tendency to spread sensationalism along with the newest social networking sites.

If we truly want the right to make decisions about our own body, then shouldn’t that right extend to everyone? To every body? It seems to me that it should.

And it also seems to me that, after three pregnancies, the media should move on. If the Beaties want to go another year without sleep (my sister was a sleep-deprived zombie for months after she had my nephew), I say that’s their business.

I’m yawning already.

What do you think?

(Photo: Thomas Beatie)

Mary Louise was small, compact, and cute — a blonde Sally Field. I was hulking and chubby, with hair like a Brillo pad.

Mary Louise could run faster and throw a ball farther than anyone in the class, including the boys. I was always the last one to straggle in, panting and puffing, at the end of a forced lap around the playground at gym.

Mary Louise came to school with a cool cast on her wrist because she sprained it playing softball. I peed my pants in the school hallway because I was afraid to go into the girls’ bathroom (don’t ask).

Mary Louise was the best athlete in the school. I was the worst. We were both girls.

I bring up Mary Louise not to relive one of my worst childhood memories (which was peeing in the hallway), but because the Maine Human Rights Commission recently issued a draft of guidelines intended to protect Maine school children, from grade school through college, from discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.

The guidelines, which are scheduled to be voted on March 1, would permit transgender students to use school restrooms and participate in sports teams in accordance with their gender identity. Of course, there is raging controversy about all this, partly due to the bathroom issue (at least the kids are using them instead of the hallway), and partly due to the possible unfair advantage that students born male (or assigned male at birth) who identify as female would have when playing competitive sports against other girls. (Update: the guidelines have been shelved for now, with no scheduled date for future consideration.)

In fact, the college students interviewed by the Maine Public Broadcasting Network for an article about the guidelines were virtually unconcerned about the bathroom thing (younger students might feel differently, but only if they take their cues from their parents, who will no doubt be hysterical about the whole situation). It was the sports thing that some of them mentioned as a concern.

John Gause of the Maine Human Rights Commission, as quoted in the article, said, “On an individual basis, however, it’s nearly impossible to determine whether a student is better at sports because they are a boy or a girl. So it’s not appropriate to exclude students who are transgendered from sports altogether.”

The first part, I would generally agree with — at least in theory. Mary Louise is proof enough of that. The second part, I would most certainly agree with. Transgender students should not be excluded from sports (I, however, wish I would have been — not because I was transgender, but because I stunk).

The bathroom issue could become a problem under certain circumstances, but those individual circumstances would need to be dealt with as they come up. My concern would be for the safety of the trans student, rather than any other students in the bathroom. I definitely think trans students should have the option of a private unisex restroom — but I think all students should have this option (it keeps the hallways dry).

I understand the sports issue, but as someone who detested gym class every day of my life from grade school on, I can’t relate in the same way as a person who takes his or her sports very seriously. I know it’s hard to believe, but I simply don’t have an opinion — yet.

It will be interesting to see what the human rights commissioners decide on March 1, and what kind of response (or backlash) will follow. And it would be interesting to know what ol’ Mary Louise would think. She’s probably teaching her granddaughter how to sack a quarterback right now.

What do you think?

(Photo: me in 6th grade — hardly the athletic type)

Why is a photo of trans man Lucas Silveira on a post about women in dresses and reinforcing sexual stereotypes? Because the lead singer for The Cliks was recently named Canada’s sexiest man in the 15th Annual Year End Readers’ Poll by Canadian music magazine Chart Attack.

I think it’s great, and a lot of people will probably think it’s great, that a trans man was voted sexiest man. And although Silveira doesn’t always conform to traditional Western gender stereotypes, he is often photographed, as he is here, in a suit and tie (although a much more stylish ensemble than most stuffy businessmen). He is reinforcing a “traditional” gender stereotype for men, and it’s sexy. But as I discussed in my last post, trans women often take more heat than trans men do when they conform to such stereotypes.

Reinforcing sexual stereotypes:

If a trans woman in a low-cut, form-fitting dress were to win a “sexiest woman” poll, she might take some flak, for two reasons — reinforcing the stereotypes surrounding women as sex objects, and reinforcing the stereotypes surrounding trans women as sex objects.

No one likes to be objectified. But the reality is that human beings are sexual beings (whether we’re getting any or not), and human beings are going to look at other human beings and be sexually attracted to them, for a variety of reasons.

Different people are going to have different reasons, but there is a certain type of Western female sexual ideal — a “sex symbol” ideal — that involves cleavage, short skirts, high heels, makeup, and other accoutrement, and those who want to adopt this image, even for a special night out, are sometimes frowned upon for reinforcing the concept of women as sex objects. Trans women often take particular grief for this because some people (usually men) objectify a particular body type that they think trans women have.

But I have always felt that it was unfair to restrict women’s clothing choices because of the significance that other people might ascribe to them. It has always made me angry that women aren’t free to wear what they want to wear or be who they want to be because men might get the wrong idea, or men might not take them seriously, or men might fail to recognize the intelligence, skill, or ability behind the makeup or short skirt (or because other women might judge them in the same way).

By the same token, I think it is unfair to restrict trans women’s clothing choices for the same reasons, while adding on the additional burden of being responsible for some men’s sexualized idea of who and what trans women are.

I have been on testosterone for over 12 years. Testosterone makes you think about sex. Testosterone makes you look at other people in a sexualized way — not always, but often. But that’s my problem. And for straight men, that’s their problem.

Women should not have to bear the responsibility for what some men (or some other women) might think. Women — trans and non-trans — should not have to constantly monitor their clothing, appearance, mannerisms, and actions to avoid reinforcing sexual stereotypes — and to avoid looking “sexy.”

Look at Canada’s sexiest woman, Avril Lavigne. Even though she presents it in a very modern way, she stays close to “feminine” tradition — she even has her own fragrance. And she certainly meets many of the traditional expectations for her gender with regard to being “sexy.”

I’ve not heard any criticism so far about Silveira’s “sexy” male gender presentation. I don’t know if Lavigne gets criticized for her “feminine” or “sexy” gender presentation.

But in my opinion, it’s okay for everyone to be sexy — Lucas Silveira in a suit and tie, Avril Lavigne in a strapless, low-cut gown, a guy in a muscle shirt, a woman in jeans and a T-shirt, and a woman in a low-cut dress. People should be allowed to be sexual, and people should be allowed to be sexy, and the burden should not fall on women to control what someone else is thinking. They can’t, anyway.

When we rejoice in who we are, whoever and whatever that is, and we rejoice in who other people are, without judgment, we might not be able to eliminate gender or sexual stereotypes — but they might not matter so much to us anymore. We might realize that everyone has the right to present their gender — and their acceptance of the fact they are sexual beings–in whatever way is most comfortable for them.

(Photo: publicity photo of Lucas Silveira by David Hawe)