Dieses Kleidungsstück besteht aus belüfteten Röhren, in welchen Wüstenrennmäuse oder vergleichbare Nager herumturnen können, während ihr Versorgungsmensch anderen Tätigkeiten nachgeht.

Angeblich schon 1999 patentiert, in einem Land, das angeblich USA heisst. Letzteres Land habe ich eigentlich schon zwei mal besucht. Andererseits und beim Betrachten der Mausweste kommt mir der Gedanke, dass ich auch auf einen Schwindel hereingefallen sein könnte.

Das Land sah nämlich grösstenteils aus wie irgendein beliebiges Drittweltland, viele Anwesende waren dunkelhäutig, und viele sprachen Spanisch, die Minderzahl Englisch mit einem irischen Akzent. Rennmäuse waren keine zu sehen. Was soll man davon halten?

( totallyabsurd via neatorama)

Patented in 1999, the gerbil shirt allows you to take your pets with you anywhere. Why should they stay at home when you get to go have fun? The inventor cautions against undue collisions which might cause pet panic.

[via OhGizmo!]

This is Dora scared shitless of my presence

I wanted a damn dog. I had been browsing CL for a dog for a while. Kevin told me, “Kristi, just wait until Christmas and we can buy a nice family dog”. So I thought, “Well if I can’t get a dog I want something to entertain me”. That’s how we got Dora. And she sucks.

I specifically wanted something for my son. I wanted a pet that he could take care of- to teach him some sort of responsibility. He has no friends so I thought a dog would be perfect for him. But instead I chose to get a recession-proof pet. So a lady on CL was giving away a free gerbil- cage included. In my mind, I was picturing a Guinea Pig. I don’t know why- that’s just what I was imagining. So when I went to pick the damn thing up and saw an albino rat- I wanted to say, “Oh no- no thank you” and just leave. I didn’t want to be rude and tell her that white rodents with beady red eyes FREAK ME OUT- so I took it.

The damn thing didn’t have any food so I stopped at PetSmart. Kevin told me to JUST BUY FOOD. “Don’t go spending $30 on a fucking gerbil, Kristi, I’m serious”. So what did I do when I got to PetSmart? I spent $30 on a gerbil. I bought her a huge bag of food that will probably last her entire lifespan. I bought gerbil yogurt snacks. I bought an edible tiki hut. I bought a wheel. I bought more bedding. And then I donated $2 to an animal charity. I have a shopping problem- I just can’t help myself.

So I get home and my son named it Dora. He watched Dora run around like a crack head for about 10 minutes and lost interest. I was fascinated. I tend to take things overboard- so I got online and started learning all about gerbils. In my mind, I am picturing Dora like hanging out with me and shit, sitting in my lap and stuff…. I was picturing making her some little gerbil clothes and bragging to my friends about how cool my—–my son’s gerbil is. I saw some videos on YouTube about how easy it is to train a gerbil. It’s not. Don’t listen to them.

Dora runs away from me. When I put my hand down, she bites me. It doesn’t hurt or anything- just pisses me off that she’s not the cool, calm, collective and down to earth gerbil I saw on YouTube. So I thought it would just take some time. It’s been going on 2 months. She fucking hates me.

I saw something online about how to get a gerbil used to you and it involved sitting in the bathtub with it. So- I laid a blanket in the bathtub (after smashing my Colt 45 of course) and I got in with Dora. First of all- it was weird. I felt like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to. Then- she didn’t seem to care I was in there. She totally ignored me. I started imagining taking her outside after a long lecture about all I have done for her- and setting her loose- in the wild- where she fucking belongs.

But I didn’t do that- instead I figured she needed more freedom. So I bought her an exercise ball. The other day, while I was cleaning, I let Dora roam around in her ball. I thought I blocked off the back part of my living room from Vayda- my 15 month old daughter, but when I heard her laughing I knew she got a hold of Dora somehow. Would you fucking believe I walked in the living room to see Dora out of her ball, totally free to escape, yet was sitting in front of my daughter sniffing her? I mean- they looked like best friends! I was PISSED! Here I am trying to bond with your pointless ass and my toddler that probably slammed your ball into the ground is your new pal? Pssshhhhh.

Do yourself a favor. Don’t buy a damn gerbil.

**Note: Due to the alarming unnatural death rate in Bethel, Maine, citizens officially outlawed the word “murder” during the 2009 November, 3rd election. Using the word is a criminal offense and can bring about a minimum jail sentence of 6 months. Printing the M-word is an automatic $5,000 fine, and The Truth’s staff is probably fucked for that first sentence. However, Bethel Town Council has submitted the new replacement word that will succeed the M-word. “M-word” would have been the successor, but town officials believed that too many people would confuse it with the curse-word “mung”. So, the new acceptable word is “OOPS!”. Replacement words for this article will be written within the shown brackets: { } (i.e., Sheila {Oopsed!} her husband with a revolver.)**
————————————-

{OOPS!} Plagues Bethel

Bethel, ME — Bethel’s job market hasn’t changed much in months. It’s still difficult to find employment and citizens are drowning in bills. For instance, Bethel’s contract killing agency, J.R. Doyle Inc., located next to the Casablanca Cinemas, is struggling to stay open now that Bethel citizens have realized that they can forgo the agency’s service and {OOPS!} people for free on their own.

“Things used to be different around here,” states J.R. Doyle, Director of the contract killing agency. “It was a better time then. People used to come into our offices with pictures of enemies, their bosses, or even friends and loved ones, that they wanted us to {OOPS!}. Now, suddenly, Bethel citizens are all high and mighty and decided they’d rather commit {OOPS!} themselves. I used to be able to make an honest living around here, but it looks like now I’ll have to go back to being a line cook in some local restaurant’s kitchen.”

It is The Truth’s belief that line cooks have a terrible stereotype to burden: the belief that Bethel line cooks are people who commit {OOPS!}. The Truth sent Kate Burroughs, a Truth staff member, to a local eatery to allow line cooks to comment on the disgusting stereotype they live with. The Truth still has not heard from Kate. It’s been twelve days.

Dealing with {OOPS!} is always a terrible business, unless you work at Bethel’s Nicknames & Bloodstains, then, {OOPS!} is great business. Nicknames & Bloodstains is an agency that specializes in nicknaming people who commit {OOPS!}. The Director of the agency had this to offer, “This is an time-honored profession. Our predecessors are responsible for dubbing everyone from Jack the Ripper to Son of Sam. Of course, the methods of naming these individuals has changed due to the access to better technology. The first step is, a person who aspires to commit {OOPS!} will come in for a simple consultation/orientation. Then, after a simple Q&A with the client, we apply our patented nicknaming formula, which is similar to the porn name formula (combining your first pet’s name and then the name of the street you grew up on). What we do is take the name of the client’s first pet that they killed, and then we combine it with the name of the river the client threw that animal’s body in. It’s a great system for finding the menacing moniker within each person that commits {OOPS!}. For instance, a couple years ago, a young blonde girl with the devil in her eyes, came in requesting a name. She said that she killed her pet gerbil, Taylor, when she was just twelve, and then threw it in the Swift River while vacationing in Bethel with her family. Taylor Swift has since become a household name, and one of the most terrible people on the planet. Proof that our system works and gets names into people’s homes.”

Until seeing a Taylor Swift video, Bethel police officers were oblivious to all the {OOPS!} in the area. So far, local authorities have been unsuccessful at capturing the individuals who have committed {OOPS!} in Bethel. Adam Werd, a Bethel police officer explains, “We haven’t been able to capture any of the known criminals because of the recent increase of new criminals in the area. When we take data from our intelligence, it appears that the at-large criminals who commit {OOPS!} are recruiting for a gang. Although these new members are only recruits, they are highly dangerous and love to flaunt their kills by tying the corpse down onto their cars. These recruits call themselves ‘Hunters’…of people, I would assume. They make me sick. Somebody ought to do something about these punks, otherwise we could be a lawless town. Us officers are doing what we can, but innocent locals aren’t going to harass themselves. We’ve got a lot on our plate right now.” The “Hunter Gang” can be identified by their gang colors: camouflage and bright orange.

“These are absolutely tragic and unfortunate times,” states Bethel’s Town Manager. “I personally was in a long state of deep mourning, but then I received an uplifting phone call. Rockstar Video Games called and said that with the surge of {OOPS!}, and the addition of a new violent gang, Bethel has officially beat out Detroit and has been tapped to be the new location of their video game Grand Theft Auto. This is an amazing honor. There truly is light at the end of every tunnel. At the very least, Bethel is now officially known for something other than that stupid giant snow-woman, Olympia.”

_____________

**DISCLAIMER** This is a FAKE story. It is written purely for entertainment purposes. None of the events in the above story are true.

Here’s my fourth character: Pip J. Squeak, the Brave Little Gerbil…

I added a sliver of a background just to illustrate why he’s dressed warmer than your average gerbil… Much like Yngvie J. Malmsteen, Pip Sqeak uses his middle ‘J’ initial to separate himself from all of the other ‘Pip Squeaks’ out there.

And PLEASE!!! No gerbil jokes… I’ve heard that one and it’s not  so much funny as it’s just gross…

-Crash!

crashlanden.wordpress.com

As i listened to the heavy inneuendo’d  lyrics and the rich emotion- filled voice of  Stephen Lynch – the inpolitically correct singing comedian – I sat in silent stunned appreciation for this artiset.  As I watched his beyond-memorable  video performance of a happy little ditty about childhood and Halloween –  ”What Halloween Means to Me” – - I thought my happiness couldn’t be more complete and fell to my knees in tearful gratitude  to a  universe that had designed and created such an underrated national treasure most people still don’t know about.  (Have a listen if you’d like – see if you aren’t moved to tears as well)

But my happiness,  extensive as it was, filled my cup to overflowing  due to another discovery of an even more amazing song he had written and performed a few years earlier. As I listened to this melody that seemed to have been sent from the heavens above and created just for me – I felt the chills and electricity one must only feel  when in the presence of God (or an IRS agent).  I was hearing with my very own ears a song, THE SONG, that would be the PERFECT theme song for my blog and all that I hoped to portray in it.

But alas, I know not how to embed it into a widget so it plays continuously whenever someone reaches my site.  So – I’m embedding it here, and will subsequently return to this post,  in the dark by myself,  to listen and cry over the happy ending that could have been mine….if only…..

It’s got all the makings of a gershschwin tune – perversion, political incorrectness, innurENDdos – the works!

See for yourself….

Can’t you just feel their pain?

The official book trailer for Jerrod Balzer’s Fear The Woods Book One: How To Make A Vampire

Gerbil Haiku

circles all night long

running his wheel till daylight

just having some fun

Ao contrário dos cães e gatos, os Hamsters não são animais não muito domesticáveis. Tradicionalmente eles não se apegam muito ao dono, pois trata-se de animais com um caráter bastante selvagem e independente.

Ainda assim, com um pouco de paciência é possível torná-los mais dóceis através de alguns métodos de domesticação. Algumas regras devem ser seguidas para que o animal não se torne agressivo e se familiarize com o ambiente onde está.

Quando se adquire um Hamster, ele aparentemente estará desesperado, querendo sair de todos os modos da gaiola. Esse momento é fundamental para a adaptação do Hamster, sendo muito importante não segurá-lo ou soltá-lo para pequenos passeios. O Hamster pode se incomodar muito com isto. Não deixe brechas para ele escapar e o deixe se acostumar com a nova situação.

Em alguns dias, você poderá pegá-lo durante o tempo em que está ativo, é importante relembrar que nunca se deve acordar os Hamster para brincadeiras.

Lembre-se, ao segurar seu hamster, não faça movimentos bruscos e não o acaricie muito, pois isso poderá incomodá-lo e até mesmo ferí-lo. Transmita tranquilidade à ele e faça-o se sintir mais confortável com sua presença. Repita estas ações por um bom tempo e logo você perceberá uma mudança no comportamento de seu Hamster que provavelmente estará mais manso.

Confira abaixo alguns truques que poderão ser feitos com seu animal.

CHAMANDO PELO NOME

No horário em que seu Hamster estiver acordado e ativo, pegue um petisco (pode ser um biscoito para cachorro ou um petisco especial para hamsters) e vá até a gaiola. Diga o nome do seu hamster claramente e suavemente e segure o biscoito onde ele possa pegá-lo. Deixe-o comer o biscoito.

FAZENDO-O DANÇAR

Repita a ação em vários dias. Dentro de alguns dias seu Hamster associará o nome com o biscoito e toda vez que você disser ele virá até você.

Esse truque requer mais paciência e mais tempo, mas existem vários casos de pessoas que conseguiram ensinar esse truque a seus hamsters.

Deixe um rádio ligado em volume baixo próximo a gaiola e pegue um biscoito. Solte seu hamster e segure o biscoito a uma certa altura em que ele precise ficar de pé para alcançar. Mexa com o biscoito de um lado para o outro, para que ele vire-se de pé tentando alcançar o petisco. Repita esse processo vários dias e seu hamster associará a música com o biscoito e irá dançar sozinho.

Equipe Mundo Hamster Brasil.

CUIDADOS COM O ANIMAL

Quando for pegá-lo para brincadeiras:A criação dos hamsters exige responsabilidade e cuidados. Abaixo, estão alguns cuidados com o animal e com a manutenção da gaiola (comida, limpeza, etc.).

- Antes de segurar seu hamster, lave sua mão com sabão neutro. Se sua mão tiver cheiro de comida, seu hamster pode mordê-lo acidentalmente, pois a visão deste roedor é muito ruim.
- Segure-o em cima de uma mesa ou em locais baixos para que no caso de seu hamster cair não haja ferimentos.
- Não segure-o demais. Volte-o na gaiola algum tempo depois, para que ele não fique irritado.
- Hamsters do tipo anão russo e roboroviski são caracterizados pela grande atividade. É difícil portanto segurá-lo pois ele pode pular da sua mão, o que pode ser fatal. Evite portanto segurá-lo por muito tempo e deixá-lo na mão de crianças.

Quando for soltá-lo para passeios:

- Solte-o em locais onde não existam riscos de choques elétricos, quedas, queimaduras, etc. Fique sempre vigiando o hamster para que ele não entre em locais inacessíveis, onde você não poderá pegá-lo depois.
- É recomendável usar uma pequena coleira para evitar que ele fuja ou rodas de exercício do tipo esfera, onde ele poderá andar sem risco de entrar em locais pequenos ou se acidentar. Se não tiver esses dois acessórios, tome o máximo de cuidado possível.
- Solte-o dentro de casa, em quartos por exemplo. Não solte-o no quintal ou fora de casa. Você terá poucas chances de recuperá-lo depois.

Cuidados com a limpeza e escovação do animal:

- São dispensáveis banhos em seu animal. A não ser que ele esteja realmente muito sujo e mal-cheiroso, você pode passar uma toalha úmida sobre ele e depois secá-lo usando outra toalha. Atenção: nunca passe talco ou sabão em seu hamster ou molhe sua cabeça!
- A escovação em hamsters não é muito importante, apenas deixa-o mais bonito e pode limpar seu pêlo. Ele também pode gostar que você escove suas costas. Use uma escova de dentes com cerdas macias (pode ser uma não usada mais) e não use água.

Cuidados com as unhas e dentes do hamster:

- Os dentes dos hamsters crescem continuamente, sem parar. Por isso, a ração dada aos hamsters deve ser dura, para que eles gastem seus dentes. Ela deve incluir sementes, grãos e pedaços de biscoito para cachorro duros. Também é recomendável dar galhos de árvores frutíferas para eles roerem ou outros acessórios especiais que podem ser encontrados em alguns Pet Shops.
- As unhas dos hamsters podem incomodar um pouco quando você for segurá-lo. Se elas estiverem muito grandes e estiverem arranhando muito, você pode forrar uma parte da gaiola com lixas para que ele apare as unhas ou então pode levar a um veterinário especializado para o corte das mesmas.CUIDADOS COM A GAIOLA

Cuidados com o local onde a gaiola vai ficar:

- A gaiola deve ficar longe de correntes de ar intensas. É recomendável ficar no interior de cômodos onde a janela fique fechada, nunca na parte externa.
- A gaiola deve ficar longe da exposição solar.
- A gaiola deve ficar longe de tintas, produtos de limpeza e combustíveis que exalem um cheiro muito forte. Isto pode acarretar alergias e doenças.

Cuidados diários:

- Mantenha sempre água fresca, limpa e abundante à disposição do animal.
- Renove sempre a quantidade de comida do hamster.
- Mantenha sempre à disposição do hamster papel higiênico sem cheiro e/ou algodão para que ele construa seu ninho.

Cuidados semanais:

- Troque a serragem e lave as partes principais da gaiola e seus acessórios com sabão neutro e água. Os potes de água e comida devem ser limpos somente com água.
(Caso queira manter a gaiola sempre com cheiro agradável, essa troca pode ocorrer mais de uma vez por semana)

Cuidados mensais:

- Troque a serragem e dê uma lavada rigorosa em toda a gaiola com sabão neutro e água. Os potes de água e comida devem ser limpos somente com água.

Equipe Mundo Hamster Brasil.

Hey Dinos,
There is a glitch that may make you a Dino named “Null”
So Far, It has happend to Web, ModosaurCarbo, Gerbil, and Major.
It is very strange, If it ever happens to you, Just Re-loggin.
Here are a few pictures:

Null as a Pterry (Web)

Null as a Rexxy (Major)

This photo, I always felt, best captured my joie de vivre

This wasn’t what I expected when I went to check my email while waiting for the Ambien to set in, but there it was nonetheless, a message from someone I’d had a very straightforward interaction with during my final semester at college, back in 2004.  I’ll write when my mind is clearer about what happened, but here was his message:

hey yulia,

how goes?

so i recently put an ad up on Craigslist (Casual Encounters) and it seems to be occupied now only by scammers who want you to come to their websites/webcams and sign up with your credit card… they’ll even send you naked pix to lure you over.  I just reply and tell them their scams are NOT sexy.

But gone are the good old days when an actual person would answer your ad with her own alluring words and sexy pix… alas. Thanks for the pleasant memories.

I googled you once sometime ago and found an article you wrote with a friend/lover about turning strangers on with your pictures. Ah yes, I thought, that’s her!

If you google me you’d see that my pop sci book, which may not yet have been in the works when you left, has come out: ***.

Anyway, I hope love and life and sex are treating you well.

with a juicy kiss,

D.

ps. I’m sure you’ll think of this as me poking the gerbil cage again… what can i say…?

[Continued here]

Today was the first day of the semester. I guess, technically, yesterday was the start of the semester, as it is now 2:30 in the morning. I had three classes. I was ready to be done after my first class was over, but I do like my teachers so far. It felt weird to be on campus. I was only there once all summer, and that was for ten minutes to pick up my textbooks.

In other news, I’m getting a Gerbil tomorrow. I would have gotten her today, but there are crickets in the basement and we’re laying poison bombs tomorrow morning. I’m excited about it. I’ve never really had a small animal before. My sister had guinea pigs years ago. I remember finding two of three of them dead one morning. That was a little traumatizing, but I think I’ll be okay.

I’m only awake right now because my knees are in pain to the point where I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying in bed for more than four hours now. I have to be up in 3.5 hours.

Ficha dos Hamsters:

Tipo de Animal: Mamífero da ordem dos roedores;

Origem: Europa;

Tempo médio de vida: entre 2 e 3 anos;

Tamanho: de 10cm a 20 cm;

Peso médio: entre 50g e 150g;

Espécies mais comuns em cativeiro: Sírio, Chinês, Anão russo (Campbell e Branco Internal) e Roborovski;

Dicas para comprar um Hamster saudável:

a) O pêlo do filhote deve ser macio, sem falhas;

b) Os olhos precisam ser vivos e brilhantes;

c) Focinho seco e orelhas em pé;

d) São ativos e brincalhões e respondem a estímulos, comida e brinquedos.

Curiosidades:

1) Banhos não são necessários, mas uma boa limpeza da gaiola ajuda a eliminar cheiros e a manter os Hamsters saudáveis;

2) Muitos Hamsters passam a vida inteiro sem ficar doentes. Mesmo assim é importante conhecer os sinais de que algo não vai bem;

3) Apesar da imagem meiga de um ratinho comendo queijo, esse e outros alimentos não são muito adequados à dieta dos Hamsters;

4) Primo bastante próximo dos temíveis ratos, os Hamsters são bem mais limpinhos e domésticos.

Espero que tenham gostado, não percam o próximo post sobre o primo dos Hamsters o simpático Gerbil.

Comentem e interajam, sua participação é fundamental!

Equipe Mundo Hamster Brasil.

In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t really posted anything in quite a bit. Seeing as my blog has just about three posts, this may have been taken as the inevitable loss of interest that I always find occurs whenever nobody reads the stupid thing (See: last blog). However, rejoice, loyal subj- readers. For I have returned from the dark and terrible hill-city of San Francsisco, having crossed the Bridge of Wind and Fog (Golden Gate), ventured deep into the seamy Oriental trading outpost (Chinatown, which was awesome) and having braved the neverending stampede of the Capitalist hoards while the oceanic warbirds shrieked overhead (Fishermans wharf, tourists, and… come one, you gotta know this one.) I also did of other stuff that I feel too lazy to make epic, plus it gets old pretty quickly. Now, I’m not pretending to be an expert on what you should do in San Francisco (Seriously, I’m not PRETENDING), but here’s a list of places you should go to, eat at, or sleep in. The fun is in not knowing what to do where.

House of Nanking, Chinatown, incredibly good food, actually has a line outside the door, and I recommend that you get them to order for you. Everything is awesome, unless you have some deep-seated hatred against eggplant. I recommend bringing something to read or something, though, because seriously, the line outside is half an hour long on GOOD days. Otherwise, it’s like waiting for X2 in the middle of the International Rollercoaster Convention’s visit in summer while every school in the country takes a field trip to Magic Mountain. Yeah.

Joi de Vivre, right by the waterfront, a little hotal, maybe 5 stories tall. One of the most pleasant stays of my life. Free Wi-Fi, large rooms, and jellyfish in the elevator. Pretty damn sick, if anyone still says sick anymore. Probably not. This is rapidly becoming awkward, so moving on.

The Academy of Science, which is notable for having a roof made out of dirt and plants, much like most of the houses in Africa have been constructed for thousands of years, but apparently a massive leap forward in architecture or something. Inside, there are aquariums, displays about how we’re doomed if we don’t all shove icecubes into our cars, and a pretty kick-ass planetarium, which is actually a theater which shows amazing, glassesless movies.

Thats pretty much all I care to write about San Francisco places. There are a hell of a lot more cool places there, and the entire city is pretty much way cooler than Los Angeles, which sorta sucks. I will detail my experiences in my next post, as this one is already pushing the limits of the American attention span.

Sayanora.

SAY IT.

Drassixe.

This post is dedicated to all my doggie friends who do Agility!

I’m always really impressed by my friends who do Agility – you see, moving fast, running around and jumping a lot (without a ball involved!) is just not really my thing…

Then I recently found some movies that put me to shame! Here are some wonderful (non-doggie) creatures who not only do agility…but are scarily good at it! If they can do it, then I really have no excuse! (And their humans – what fantastic trainers they must be!!)

First up, here is Brain Storm the Mouse doing the Longest Agility Course in the World – isn’t he amazing? I think my favourite bit is the “hoops” made from coffee cup handles!

Next, here are some gorgeous bunnies competing in Agility – just like doggies! Ludo – did you know about this rabbit sport?? Maybe you could help teach Faline and her gang to do this too! ‘Tricky Rabbit Day’ – hee! hee!

Then there’s the Agility Hamster…

Yup, gerbils do it too…

…and here is a guinea pig learning to weave, using a target stick…

…and even chickens doing Agility!

And finally, for all my friends who find it too difficult to get agility equipment to practise at home…just grab yourself some human teenagers!!

* Hmm…funny how there’s no ‘cat agility’??!!

* Updated: My friends, Lenni & Ressu, have told me that there IS cat agility! 

…and they told me there is even Lamb Agility!

Today, I was playing Demo Derby, and I faced Gerbil.

Its was a great match and lasted 10 minutes.

At the end, I won!

We both set the new highest scores!

From that one game, I won 400 coins!

Its was an awesome game!

 

DO THESE EXIST? LOOK, IT'S WAVING!! I WANT ONE...

I started losing my Peter Pan fantasy life when I was still a little kid. 

It wasn’t because I was heartbroken to find out there was No Santa Claus.   I started having my own doubts about his existence the year before,  when HE appeared on every street corner with the same tired bell, bad attitude and B.O.   My 4 year old sister cried when she heard the news.

It wasn’t because that pussy Charlie Brown freaked out on CBS every fall about the Great Pumpkin.  I could never figure out what was so GREAT about a giant squash that sat in a field wearing cape once a year.  And why would anyone be intimidated by a vegetable whose only purpose in it’s vegetative life is to end up as a pie on your dinner table?

It wasn’t because the Tooth Fairy stopped coming to collect my teeth and leave me  quarters.   Actually I’m glad those visits stopped.  I never trusted that asshole;  he always creeped me out.    “Go to sleep Lisa. In the middle of the night you’ll hear the door creak open.  But don’t worry,  it’s just that fairy Uncle Rob with the one tooth - you  know, that asshole brother of your Mother’s.  The one that eats all our food and smells like stale beer.  Just pretend to be asleep as usual. He’ll go away soon – he always does. Hey, maybe he’ll leave you another quarter for buggin’ ya in the middle of the night like he did last time, now get to bed!”

It wasn’t even that the Easter Bunny was a fake.  I never liked him anyway.  I mean, how’s a kid supposed to tie in the story of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, with some giant rodent wearing purple show-tune clothes and a permanent scarey smile coming out once a year to hop around Aunt Carol’s yard and hide things in her lawn gnomes?   (Unless it was Jesus in that rodent suit all along…)

Anyway, what pissed me off at 7,  and made me realize that grown-ups were a bunch of story-telling liars is that they lied about every single one of those childhood rites of passage.  A betrayal to every child when he’s small.  I guess I just NEVER got over it.

But I’m thinking I might forgive them and never bring it up again, if they get me one of those  Calico kitten-gerbils for my birthday.

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