Love him or hate him and the majority will pretty much sit in either of those camps, Roy Keane’s view on Ireland’s failure to qualify for the 2010 World Cup Finals deflected the frenzy away from FIFA, France and Thierry Henry and placed it firmly on Ireland themselves and his point was valid.

There’s definitely a question mark over the tone used by Keane to deliver the words that most people were thinking but didn’t have the guts to say, Keane clearly still has an axe to grind with the FAI and those with axes to grind against Keane will certainly fail to accept his valid point.

Ireland’s plight is unfortunate, but they were in control; win a two legged knockout fixture and pack your bags. Having to compete against the current World Cup holders in the group stage and current World Cup runners-up in the play-off is harsh, but that’s the luck of the draw. Deal with it!

Ireland’s hard luck story holds water but it’s not the sole case, not that anyone really cares the Bahrainis will feel they too have been handed a raw deal equally by poor officiating and FIFA!

In 2005 Bahrain were themselves at the centre of a replayed World Cup AFC play-off with Uzbekistan.

Uzbekistan suffered an injustice from the referee misinterpreting the rules, they lodged a complaint with FIFA, it was successful and Bahrain knocked them out in the replayed fixture, only for Bahrain themselves to travel to the other side of the world as part of a two legged play off against Trinidad & Tobago to lose themselves.

Fast forward four years later and once again the tiny island of Bahrain located in the Persian Gulf negotiated themselves through four World Cup Qualifying rounds to face World Cup regulars Saudi Arabia in the AFC play-off; a late away goal and Bahrain were still on course to make their first ever World Cup Finals.

To this point Bahrain had played 18 World Cup qualifiers, 8 of those against previous World Cup finalist, Japan (4), Australia (2) and the aforementioned Saudi Arabia in a play-off. Standing in their way were OFC winners of the other half place, New Zealand, who had lived a charmed life to this same point:

2010 most World Cup Qualifying games played

New Zealand were, rightly, handed a bye to the final round in the OFC section to play just 6 qualifiers, home and away against Fiji, New Caledonia and Vanuatu – this clearly raises a conversational piece for another time about FIFA’s qualification process.

Over the two legged play-off Bahrain out played New Zealand with a better level of football but failed to win the tie, losing away 1-0 to a Rory Fallon goal in the 2^nd leg after a goal-less draw in the first leg, Fallon’s Kiwi inclusion is proof FIFA can make changes.

Moreover, in Wellington Bahrain missed a penalty, no sympathy awarded there but they did have what looked like a perfectly legitimate goal disallowed in the last minute – the goal that would have ensured qualification for Bahrain.

New Zealand’s 2010 World Cup qualification is fantastic but when comparing journey’s with Bahrain something feels wrong, whether that is recognised time will tell?

So the Republic of Ireland have World Cup grief, they’re not alone nor are they arguably the worst offended to miss out on next summer’s festival of football. The grief can be further fuelled by highlighting the obvious fact, in terms of quality Ireland are superior to New Zealand, giving pause to a wild idea – instead of making a futile protest to FIFA for an unprecedented move to replay a football match because the officials failed to get one of the key decisions correct, maybe the FAI should bypass FIFA completely and make an application to join the OFC, it will certainly increase Ireland’s chances of future World Cup qualification?

What can FIFA do?

I apologize for the hiatus… I’ve been somewhat out of commission, but I promise to start blogging again very soon.

“awwww…black love infactuation”

SO, maybe im not the easiest person to get along with. Or maybe my attitude ISNT at its best 24/7. Eh, maybe I CAN be a little rude and abbrasive to people when its not warranted. But, aside from all of those things i’ve learned alot from being single black female. IT SUCKS. Now, dont get me wrong, i’m not one of those females who falls into relationships to avoid being single. And lord KNOWs i’m definitely not one to thrive on male attention, or be bitter about past experiences that i’ve gone through with men. No bag lady am I. NOPE.  Behind all of the razor wire and cement lies a huge heart…AWW shut the hell up. And recently I have found someone to make me smile. Not smile like “aww he’s cute”, but really smile because i’m happy. deeply happy….”lol smiley face”. It may sound corny, but not alot of men these days are actual men gentlemen, and even more are in fear of communication. But miraculously I have found those things in this one person and then some. Maybe its a little early to say it will stay this way…but WHATEVS, i’m feeling good about it for now. But the point of this post is DEFINITELY not to gas his head up, but rather to explain some things i’ve learned about myself while going through this whole process of finding someone that makes me smile. He’s slowly melting my heart…Congratulations, YOU SUCK!

#1: Don’t stand in your own way.

Nothing is worse than seeing a female who will do anything to get a mans attention. Sleeping with a guy will definitely NOT make him walk away after humping a late night with you thinking “damn homie, i need to wife her RIGHT NOW!”. Chances are he is thinking the total opposite. Some females should just master being and loving themselves, because in the history of man real has ALWAYS recognized real. ALWAYS. Also, some people should be more optimistic in their lifestyles. Who wants to be with someone who is depressed and miserable all the damn time. I know I don’t, that ish is NOT whats hot in the streets. So please people, step out of the way of yourselves. Let someone break those walls of china down. ASAP.

#2: First impressions ARE important.

Think before you speak. Check your actions. Brush your teeth regularly. Iron your damn clothes! Although these things may sound very obvious, you would be so suprised at the number of people I know who dont know/do this. Whatever the occasion, always be prepared. As sad it may seem people judge you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. How you carry yourself will make a huge impact on how people deal with you. Some people kill me thinking that they can fake and pretend their way into someone liking their personality. Fakeness has the stench of a effin skunk, so before you open your mouth with ish just make sure you brush your teeth afterwards. I commend a man who can be blatantly honest with me about things while still showing compassion (wink wink). It must be a learned skill..lol

#3: Don’t ignore the RED FLAGS!

If a man tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and you know deep down you are looking for a relationship…RUN!

If a man tells you he has a crazy ex, and he can’t leave her alone because of X-Y-Z…RUN!

If he treats his momma like poo…RUN!

If he only calls you between the hours of 10pm-7am to come watch a “movie”…RUN!

Your intuition screams at you when something isn’t right, and more often than not if it doesnt sound/look/feel right it usually isn’t. So drop him like diddy’s pant..Just sayin.

#4: Keep your standards realistic.

Self-explanatory. You can’t walk into a luxury dealership with Hundai money and expect to walk out with a top of the line Bugatti. By no means am I saying settle for anyone with good D looks, I’m just stating that you can only ask for what you are giving. I’ve had so many conversations with females who will only want to date guys with degrees, nice cars, own place, no kids…BUT they stay with big mama, take the bus, and have 3 kids. CAH-RAZY. Enough said.

#5: NO ONE is perfect.

No man/woman is perfect. It’s just a matching game of which personalities fit together the best. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past. Judging based on instances that occured before the person met you is so elementary. I live by the mantra “I am perfectly, imperfect”. So either like them or leave them alone. No one is a magical wizard, you CAN NOT change anyone but yourself. Take heed.

Anymore advice for those coping with single life? Did I miss any key elements of mastering the dating game? Does anyone agree with my key points? Is it different for men and women?

If you haven’t heard of bag borrow or steal, then get out from whatever rock you are living under!  Its younger sister has just arrived and she is here to make you look superb even on a single girl budget.

Get this $1,600 Lela Rose for New Years Eve, your birthday or just cause you feel like it for only $75 for 4 days. You can only wear a dress like this one day anyway, and why not save all that money for a vacation, or pedis for a year!

Who cares if you dont own it, nobody has to know!- Click Here!!

Put a ring on it??  Eh, NUUH.  (think my wife and kids)

And, thats how I feel about it…straight like that. I’ve had many conversations with males and females alike who either think im the perfect anamoly, or think i’m a crazed maniac. Either way it doesnt matter, i’m me and my views are still valid. If you’re reading this i’m quite sure you seem to think so too. Now, when I say no ring on it, I definitely dont mean I dont ever want to get married ugggh. I am simply stating my disdain for the need of an engagement ring IN ADDITION to a wedding ring. FOOLISHNESS. I’m not cheap by any stretch of the earth, and i’m all for the advocacy of the sentimental value of things people give to prove their love. But, where was it EVER written that an engagement ring was necessary IN ADDITION to a wedding ring in order to solidify a bond between two people? I’ll wait. YEA, exactly. NOWHERE. I have two main reasons for the route of my thinking, they may not be exactly agreeable but just here me out….

#1: Why buy me an engagement ring when i’m expecting a wedding ring anyway?!

Ummm, we’re in recession. People are getting laid off like crazy. Houses are getting foreclosed on left and durn right. If I am in a committed serious relationship with my significant other and we love eachother, its implied that marriage is a fast approaching train. I dont just mean the “oooh girl he loves me” or the “we got a kid” type of implied. SMH. I mean implied as in  he sits down and explains that the rest of his existence wants to be spent with muah. Thats enough for me. It doesnt take much to keep me happy, and a diamond I can wear on my left ring finger to proudly call him my fiance wont change that for me. What the heck is a fiance ANYWAY? I could’ve sworn we were in america and not france. PERSONALLY. If he asked me if I wanted an engagement ring, I would politely say “Nah, boo I dont need that”. Now come here and let me show you how I feel about you  Why you ask? well, because…

#2 There are SO many other things to spend that money on!

..Like a down payment on our future home. Or put it into a savings account. Or maybe a down payment on our MY future vehicle.  OOOORRR it could even go towards my WEDDING ring. DUH. Or even the dream wedding I’ve always envisioned for that matter. But for someone to spend money on an engagement ring and then turn around and spend money on a wedding ring AND a wedding, thats fratarded…YEA, I said it. FRATARDED. Unless i’m in a relationship with someone who’s income supports and nurtures all that with out being in debt which I highly doubt then why go through all that? Do something that can benefit BOTH of us, and THEN I will happily recieve my wedding ring on my wedding day. I dont need to impress my friends with a token of your love, or be able to introduce you as my fiance. When its all said and done, they dont have an “engaged” line when you file your taxes.    nah N!GGA you are considered..SINGLE! I’m just sayin.You can put a ring on it, after I walk down the aisle.#kanyeshrug

How do you feel about this? Do all ladies feel the same as me? Or are engagement rings a necessity? Men, do you agree? Or do you want to do the traditional thing and buy a ring?

alright, since i found that shitass insult on the social networking site, i’ve gotten pissed at that friend all over again. i just really wish i could clear the air. i guess if that this person were interested in this at all, or she’d have taken me up on the offer to talk it out at some point in the future, her choice. her choice instead was to target me with junior high school insults via myspace, so i’m guessing the air is as clear as she wants it.

but GRRR…. i have not only not done anything to hurt this person, but i’ve been a GOOD friend to her. part of me wants to just reach out and say that, just for the sake of saying that. just to let her know that it’s not cool and it’s not fair.

and part of me just can’t believe the person i knew would do that. that there must be some kind of explanation for this, that someone I hung around with for so long is not such a loser as to act out like a teenager in a public forum. and if she is, to be called the loser that she is for it. not just to call her that but to itemize all the ways her loserness has expressed itself over the last couple of decades. to rip into her and expose who the real “idiot moron” is.

see, for a number of years i’ve been interested in taking the high road, not acting out when slighted, not showing anger. and you know what it got me? my offer to talk it out with this person got me called “idiot moron” on a huge public web site. i’m not being facetious at all. i really believe this shit happens because i don’t speak up when i need to. if i put her in her place right then and there, at least i wouldn’t have been targeted later. but i set the precedent by letting people walk over me.

it’s easy to say forget it, don’t worry about what someone like that thinks and in most cases i can do that, but when i have been friends with someone for that long, it’s not as easy to just let it go.

so anyway, i’ve come to see the folly of my ways. it’s a holdover from the zen days, my live and let live attitude that i developed and my silly belief that expressing negativity toward someone is wasteful and futile. so i didn’t, and who’s worse off for it? right. so lately i’ve been going the other way with this. lately i’ve been reminding myself to get pissed and show it when i’m slighted. proportionately to the slight. it’s natural, it’s perfectly normal to confront a person who’s wronged you.

but is this person worth the energy? would writing to her get it out of my head any more than writing about it here? doubt it. and she made it abundantly clear that she does not care how any of this impacts me.

i’m big on not sharing my feelings with people who don’t care about them.

Tired of Jon and Kate…..so get over it already!!!! You were on a reality show, it is over so go on and let us find something else to talk about. I am so tired of hearing about them. Also tired of see their photos when I log onto the internet.

Sunday Morning, 11:37 am:

As I sit here basking in the warmth of this glorious fall morning, sipping on a mildly cooled mug of deliciousness that is Chai Latte with just a bit of vanilla and sprinkle of cinnamon to taste and smelling of heaven trapped in ceramic. The shade of my mother’s awning keeps the sun from blinding me, and the comfortable breeze of this fall day caresses me. Often I wonder how I became lucky enough to find peace while persistently being pushed and pulled into the cold arms of chaos. As I look just 10 ft away I see my toddler son eagerly chasing bubbles being blown through the air, as they drift with the wind it reminds me of my thoughts sometimes floating from my vicinity, vanishing into nothingness. He smiles with such delight anticipating what size bubbles the next breath of air may bring to his “magic wand”. Luckily, his young mind is not yet aware of the depth of this beautiful memory. I giggle slightly at the irony of our present situation. Still constantly reflecting on the times when just sitting and enjoying these special moments with my only baby boy were impossible. Nothing but yells, cursing and breaking glass could be heard in the tiny one bedroom apartment that housed a rabid lion constantly searching for prey. Wondering when I would have to protect myself and my offspring from the berating, throwing, and overwhelming stench of beer and cigarette smoke. Too many nights and an excessive amount of energy was spent on apologizing for imagined events and pleading for a chance to explain why things didn’t go as was asked of me. Not nearly enough time was given to the being whose presence forged this” union”. The one blessing I felt I had in life wasn’t receiving his owed appreciation from his mommy. Instead of my son being brought home to my ideal nurturing environment I had created in my mind for 9 months or more, his first stumble upon family was the equivalent of World War III. I praise the most high for the ability to see that the situation was not fit for a Queen and her Prince. The first opportunity of freedom and change afforded to me was accepted as our token to a new way of life, and it never tasted so sweet. I realized quickly that the tiny apartment that once housed a shambling family of three would soon be a figment of my imagination and only an unpleasant remembrance to my then infant son. We are now able to enjoy the whir of the fan in the bedroom while sleeping in late on a Saturday morning. Sunny days can now be spent outside enjoying the fresh air that fills our lungs for hours on trailed paths. At the age of two he makes it a purpose to smile at everything new, so contagious is the smile of  my baby boy. I hug and kiss him 2 zillion times a day just to feel his warm hands giving the small pat that most toddlers give. Kissing the small dimple on his right cheek, and telling him I love him forever and ever. This is peace for me, being able to see my son enjoy his childhood. He’s free to think about colors and shapes, and how many vanilla cookies he would like with lunch. I am thankful I was able to rid his life of chaos early, and blessed to not be stressed. There is reason for everything. As I sit here, continuously watching him pursue those translucent bubbles, while smiling broadly, and looking at me every so often to see if I’m still witnessing his accomplishments. I think to myself…..Yes sweetie, I am, and only one word comes to my mind: PEACE

SN: This post was written in response to the http://mybrownbaby.blogspot.com/2009/11/mybrownbaby-beautiful-mind-writing.html My Brown Baby Beautiful Mind Contest. Topic: Peace

I have so many diverse conversations with different people every day. At work is the more professional, work environment type, at home with my friends is the more home-girl-on-the-block-hand-me-a-brewski type, and with the parents is the innocent angel type of conversation. But, what I have discovered is that no matter who I am having the conversation with the same comments and situations still sneak and slither their way into dialogue. Yes, in very different ways, but still occur at some point in the conversation nonetheless. I am not writing this to offend anyone, but only to address my observations in everyday life. I just dont understand our society anymore…SMH.  

PET PEEVE #1: People who insult my damn intelligence.

While at work:

Me: So I’m thinking about buying a house, I’m so tired of renting and the housing market is looking good right now.

Know-it-all: Oh really, where are you looking to buy ? In the (insert VERY low income neighborhood) area?

Me: Actually, I was looking in (insert upper middle class neighborhood), I don’t want to settle for just anything, and I’ve saved a lot so I deserve it.

Know-it-all: OH REALLY?  Wow, I have a 2^nd cousin once removed who lives in that exact area, they just bought a home over there recently.  Those homes ARE pretty nice. But, uuum are  sure you can afford that by yourself? I mean maybe you should try looking  in a less expensive area. (smirk) I’m just sayin…

Me:    sigh:SIDE EYE: (at this point I was trying hard not stab this person in the face with a    pencil) Yea,  I think I got this. Now shut the hell up with your dumbass!  I’ve done my research already…muthaflucka.

I am sure everyone reading this has come into contact with a dumbass person who thought they knew everything about EVERYTHING! I mean really, who installed that encyclopedia chip in your head at birth?! I need one ASAP! And secondly, instead of trying to undermine my future endeavors, would it hurt you to just say goodluck?..People try hard to overthink , and undercut  others when they are insecure of their own situations. I just don’t understand people now a days..I just don’t get it.

PET PEEVE #2: Liars

While relaxing with a potential new boo:

Me: I see you got a new tattoo on your chest. That’s nice…what does SNB stand for?

Mr-not-so-slick-fox: Oh, umm that? That’s just my grandmother’s initials.

Me: Aww, that’s so sweet!

Mr-not-so-slick-fox: yea…oh yea…you know how I do. (smile)

No sir. I DON’T know how you do… So, two weeks later I find out through a mutual friend that those letters on his chest…yea…his “ex” girlfriend’s initials. Yea. I still don’t understand for the life of me, how this dumbass person had the audacity to not only get another person’s initials (not in his family) tattooed on his body, not to mention his “exes” initials, AND THEN try to be all up under me as if the situation was kosher. Actually, I can understand. I retract that statement. See, the problem with guys is that instead of being upfront about the situation in the beginning, they like to  prolong the drama. At least give ME the option as to whether or not I want to still let you take me out for drinks. Me and homeboy could’ve  chucked the deuces two weeks earlier. He probably also could’ve saved the embarrassment of finding out the mutual friend was banging his “ex” by not getting the tattoo at all..he who laughs last…

PET PEEVE #3: Guys who measure my beauty by my skin color.

Mr-ignorant: You are sexy, and you have a beautiful face for a dark skinned girl..

Me: Gee…thanks. (as I walk away while giving him the finger)

Mr-ignorant: Shit.

If there is one thing I hate about our generation it’s the fact that we break each other down by skin color even more than was seen 30 or 40 years ago. I think the comment made by Young Berg about his dislike for “dark-butts” …coonery at its finest, made the situation come to light even more for me. It’s disgusting to think that some guys look at a group of females and single out the dark skinned from the light skinned ones. Beauty is beauty, no matter the shade…or lack thereof. When will these niggas men realize that although the outside looks likes platinum, inside may just be aluminum foil… But I guess real recognize real, so where are the MEN who appreciate a real WOMAN, and not just a shade of color?

Another reflection in the mirror…
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything.”

Never- i repeat NEVER…do i expect anyone to act out of character in order to talk to or date me..the most essential part of any person is their true self…and i expect nothing less. But i also NEVER want my intelligence insulted. A major part of maturing is being able to fully assess a situation without bias due to ignorances. i.e, dont tell me the grass is blue…when clearly we can both see that its green….and to add to that, dont get mad at me if i dont believe you! I hate that i fall for the most needy ppl…the ppl who NEED to have ppl around them, and NEED to have someone show them affection and love with no return. i feel like i’m very secure in my skin…secure enough to acknowledge that i have standards…in life, in relationships, in my career….i have a bar that i have set for myself and where it is that i want to go…as should everyone. And some ppl feel that if they dont meet that bar, that they should lie and pretend as if they do. (fake it till you make it)… But remember, everything that happens in the dark soon comes to light….and that is all…i will be collecting my check in the morning…BEETCHES!

SN: PLEASE dont be mad that i feel like i have to protect myself and my assets….life is just that…LIFE. But we can still facebook chat (HA!)..dumb arse.

When I became pregnant with my first child I knew exactly how I was going to give birth. He would be born at home, possibly in a birth tub, surrounded by my trusted midwives and my family. But it was not to be.

Five weeks before my due date I developed mild hypertension, and I was having trouble raising my iron level. Although my liver was showing no signs of developing preeclampsia, my midwife was still very concerned, so at 38 weeks pregnant, I found myself having to decide what hospital I would birth at, and who would catch my baby. (More on my first birth story here)

A lot of people think that stories like mine are no big deal. Most babies are born in the hospital anyway, right? Thankfully I still had a couple of weeks left to process what was happening, to mourn the loss of my ideal birth, and to decide what my next best choice would be, but many women are not that lucky.

I recently had a conversation with a previous client of mine whose plans to have a water birth at home turned into a cesarean hospital birth during the course of her labor. She had no time to learn about cesareans, to decide who would help her to give birth, or to coem to terms with the change emotionally. And as predicted, well-intentioned family and friends made it sound like it was no big deal. Her baby was healthy, right? She recovered from the surgery right? It’s only birth after all, you have a whole life left of parenting!

Comments like these not only prevent women from heailng from difficult births, they prolong the damage. When we pass off their births we make women feel guilty for not being able to “get over it” or “move on”. Telling a woman who had an unexpected cesarean, a home birth transfer, or a difficult vaginal birth that she should just be greatful for her baby is the equivalent of telling her she is mentally unhealthy and a bad mom to boot.

Courtesy of http://birthlove.cyclzone.com/pages/csec_vbac/meghan.html

 Of course, comments like these come from well-meaning people, they just don’t know what else to say. So here’s a message for you, if you know someone who lost something at their birth, or if you are that women: It’s okay to grieve! Cry, yell, cuss, complain, speak against it, write or draw out your thoughts and feelings, tell someone who will listen to you. They can’t fix it, but it needs to be acknowledged that birth is important to women and babies.

Although not so for some women, the majority feel that birth is one of the deepest and most meaningful expressions of their femininity. Having one’s baby cut from their womb, or pulled from out of them (whether necessary or not) leaves them feeling incomplete and wounded. These are normal feelings not to be ignored, surpressed, or underestimated. This rite of passage called birth must be acknowledged for what it is: a highly physical, emotional, spiritual, and yes, sexual event.

You cannot move on or be truly greatful until you have allowed yourself to admit and mourn the loss of your birth. And healing will come. That birth experience will never be better, but you will no longer feel guilty for admitting that.

And perhaps if you have another child your next birth will go differently. After my son was born I went through a lot of emotional work so that my next pregnancy and birth would be different. I am proud of myself for that, and my daughter was born at home as planned.

Please read this woman’s story about healing from a difficult birth.  She describes it much better than I ever could.

I realize that some people might not like my title for this week’s blog, but it fits and if you read all the way through you’ll understand too.  I’m talking about dealing with emotional baggage/getting over something that’s happened to you or in your life that you’re not comfortable with. Get over it! Things happen and life changes – that’s the nature of the beast.

We’re constantly evolving as human beings and we can’t change what’s happened in our lives for the most part. We can’t control outside forces and other people’s actions, but we can control how we react to those changes – positive or not. Learning to control our reactions isn’t an easy task and I won’t try to pretend that it doesn’t take effort and a lot of work, but in the end it’s worth it. It’s worth it knowing that you can deal with life and not make yourself sick with stress or worry.

One of the things I’ve noticed over the past few years is that so many people have problems moving on from things that have happened to them in the past. There isn’t a set time that you’re supposed to move on from something because everyone is different. There are four stages to the grieving process most people go through: denile, anger, bargaining, and acceptance – not neccessarily in that order but those are the  different phases. It’s important to realize that we don’t just go through these stages of moving on once, we actually go through them several times before we accept what’s happened. I believe that many people get stuck in the first three stages and never quite move onto acceptance, but get over it already. How long are you going to make yourself suffer before you realize that you’re not doing yourself any good and it’s not just about you – the people around you are also involved.  Whatever event that has changed your life, it shapes the way you view everything in this world and the way you interact with others. Essentially you’re stopping yourself from growing and preventing yourself from being successful. You’re stopping yourself from being open to good things happening because there is nothing in this universe that says you can’t be happy. It’s you that’s holding yourself back….

So get over yourself and move on or don’t, but I doubt you’ll find yourself happy and successful.

Yes, it’s the Eagles. Fortunately, the song is not New kid in town.

I especially like the reference to lawyers at large; this is the ultimate anti-Stella song.

New single from CL Sick. This one is off his next project So Far A Kid About Nothing. Be on the lookout for that and until then peep this track. It’s a good’n for your Music Monday.

- iMegatron

DOWNLOAD: CL Sick – Get Over It

::picks up phone, dials number, rings twice before answer on the other end::

Rob: Hello?

Me: Hey Rob, babe, it’s me Amber.

Rob: Oh hi there. You sound terrible. Is everything okay?

Me: Nope, it appears I’ve got some nasty head cold that has put me out of commission.

Rob: Oh babe, that’s terrible. Do you need me to bring anything? I can get you some coffee.

Me: No thanks. I’m just going to sleep it off. But I wanted to let you know because there will be no killer blog post tomorrow. Just a transcript of our conversation.

Rob: Well, that’s okay babe. You take it easy. I’ll pray for your speedy recovery.

Me: Thanks Rob. We will talk soon.

In all seriousness, I am not feeling well at all today, so I will be a bit out of commission. If I feel better, you’ll see me on Twitter and back up to full speed tomorrow! Love you guys! P.S. Read the tags. Worth it.

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the internet yesterday…

So I’m doing my thing, on my day off, and I’m scoping out the internet for interesting blogs, links, etc., and lately I’ve been reading Snackie’s World (don’t even remember how I got to her blog but that’s not important right now) and she just really strikes me as someone I would really get on with in real life, if there weren’t a huge ocean in between us.  So I click on her Facebook link and lo and behold, we have a mutual friend! HOW is this possible?  The mutual friend is someone I’ve known since I was 10, from Alamogordo – we went to school together and heck he even gave me a plastic engagement ring (which my mother freaked out about and made me give back).  I recently saw Mic and his partner this past March when we were in Los Angeles on our honeymoon.  Then it turns out, that she is actually very good friends in Florida with another guy that I went to school with, but didn’t know very well, but he was good friends with Mic back in the day and I remember him from their little D&D group (I used to work at the TraveLodge in Alamogordo, where Zepha Painter was the proprieter and Chris her son – he was also in the group and they played D&D there at the motel).

So I’m on the internet.  A girl catches my eye, turns out we have this kind of 6 degrees of separation going on.

But the most interesting part, the “A Ha!” moment, was reading her friend’s blog.

I don’t talk about it much and I realised after reading her AND his blog, that maybe I SHOULD have.  I should have talked about all that fucking shit that I went through a few years ago.

But I guess maybe I didn’t because I’m embarrassed for some reason.  Like if I told people all of the WHY’s they would abandon me.  Ha! Well guess what, they did anyway!  I am still blaming myself for that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still a couple of people in my life from the past, but very few.  One person in particular is still giving me grief about it.  In fact, last week I got an email from this person, after 4 months waiting for her to talk to me again (I sent messages, but it’s complicated – there’s a time difference of 7 hours and a religious difference that makes it difficult to talk on the weekend), is still angry at me because I wasn’t 100% present mentally and emotionally when she was having a (3rd) baby.  She’s still hurt that all I could come up with was “I’m sorry.  My life was falling apart at that moment and I just wasn’t there.”  She’s still upset that I didn’t TELL her what happened (OK. Fair enough).  She called my breakdown a “breakdown”.  Is it weird that I’m sensitive to the ” “?  It’s like it wasn’t really a breakdown but a ” breakdown”  Hey. Maybe I didn’t really want to tell people that I was a fucking disaster on wheels and almost put in the hospital because of it. I’m sorry. My life was falling apart at that moment.

Flash to another friend of mine.  I met this girl in 1999 at work and we instantly clicked.  And we were always together.  We did everything together.  She was a ex-/re-pat Dutch-Canadian girl.  If people saw her in the pub, they would know I was around the corner.  We went on vacations together, shopped together, talked into the wee hours of the night.  She would go on a business trip and I’d be waiting at her apartment, tidying up and getting ready to have dinner with her.  That kind of stuff.  Then she moved to Switzerland.  I still went to see her and she came to see me.  And I have really fond memories of this girl.  And I loved her, man.  So much so that I even thought I would have liked to be in a relationship with her.  I like boys, really, but she was different, you know?  Like one hell of an amazing person.  And she pushed me too.  She pushed me to believe in myself and to do things that I thought I could never do (and I still want to kill her for making me “hike” (yes, with quotations) down Chamonix and continually saying “I think it’s just a half hour more down the mountain” – 5 freaking hours later, reduced to tears, my ass numb from the snow and ice and every muscle in my body aching…).  And I thought we would ALWAYS be friends.  ALWAYS.  And here we are, years later, I only found out she’s back in Canada because of LinkedIn (she added me but never answered my mail to her) and now Twitter.  So what happened?

Is it weird that it just happened to be around the time that I fell apart that we lost touch with each other?  Yeah.  I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to keep up with everyone.  My life was falling apart at that moment.

I just keep wondering if this life that I’ve chosen to lead has made it impossible for long-standing relationships? That I’m so far away from everyone, pretty much, makes it kind of easy to be distant emotionally, like a sort of protection.  And trust me, I am all about protection.

I had another very good Dutch friend who also was very disappointed in me and we didn’t talk for a while, though my friend Mike’s death brought us together again and there is a slight effort to re-establish what we had.  I’m happy for that, but it won’t ever be the same and we both know that.

And Mike.  Yeah.  So I didn’t talk to him for like a year and then he fricking died suddenly in April. Do I even have to mention the guilt I have for being a sucky friend?

And living here, in the East of the country, it feels pretty isolated.  I miss having a best girlfriend.  I miss having someone to call or go over to (my girls in Den Haag, 2 are gone (1 is apparently not allowed to be my friend) and the other is the one just above), or go for coffee with, or Saturday afternoon lunch, shopping, going to the hairdresser, etc.  All these things and more that I did with all these people in my life who are… no longer really in my life. 

Snackie really made me think hard about letting go of my feelings and being open. I can tell you I am TERRIFIED.  Really, truly freaked out about being open.  With that said, I guess it’s being kind of open. I just want to be the kind of person who doesn’t care anymore what people think of me.  I’m 41 now, I should just be able to be ME.

The publish button makes me vulnerable, but I’m just going to put it out there.  Here you go, universe.

Die Zweden toch. Falers. FALERS. Hij is nog niet eens een jaar president. Domme Europeanen met hun idiote fascinatie voor andermans leiders, ipv zich met hun eigen regeringen en politiek bezig te houden. Hij heeft nog helemaal niets gedaan, laat staan iets voor de vrede. 

Get over it, fools!

So this morning I felt amazing. My ethics class had been canceled due to my professor being sick and needing to recover, my French exam was in a few hours and I knew all the material, I’d be seeing my people at Catholic Social Services because of my service hours I had to do, and after my French exam I’d be getting back my midterm which I felt confident I’d done well in.

It was pleasant at Catholic Social during the 1 1/2 hours I was there. Essentially all I did was organize the clothes in the Infants & Children section, but it was enjoyable and I even helped this one man pick out clothes for his 18 month old son. I felt good and happy that I was able to connect with someone and laugh along with everyone there. I love working there and the people there are amazing. I left to got to my English class, arriving sooner than I realized because traffic was almost nonexistent. Woot for awesome traffic.

I then went to my English class with Maria. That was interesting as Fr. Williams wasn’t there and we ended up watching a movie on Irish Theater while taking notes (which would be graded and count as a quiz). Me being me I ended up writing three pages of detailed notes and turned them in. So we all left class early, which was a good change of pace. I went to Java City half an hour earlier than I usually do and was reviewing for my French exam while eventually Audra, Karissa, and Rachel showed up. It was really nice because it wasn’t outside in the blazing heat. Karissa wasn’t feeling so hot because she felt she hadn’t done well on her History midterm, which I sympathized with. Not to mention Audra and I were talking about the butterflies in our stomachs because of our different exams we were going to take after lunch. Feeling those butterflies literally beating around in my chest (yeah, it wasn’t the stomach, go figure) I went off with Rachel and Karissa to our class, picking up Lauren along the way.

So I’m doing last minute studying before the exam, even though I’ve beaten the information into my head a thousand times over and know my stuff. A man comes in with our exams because for some reason Mme. Windish wasn’t there. He hands out the exam and I look down.

And that’s when my day spun a complete 180 and went spiraling downhill.

Holy crap, I knew the difference between the imparfait and the passe compose, but I didn’t know the vocabulary around them to help me determine which one to use. And since Mme. Windish wasn’t there I couldn’t ask questions. The entire exam I freaked out because each exercise had something wrong with it I didn’t understand or couldn’t get quite right. I was in hysterics as I worked from the back of the exam to the front, literally checking my answers 5 times before I turned it in, feeling utterly helpless and moronic. I literally was on the brink of tears when I called my mom afterwards to tell her how the exam went. The only reason I wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably was because I was out in public.

Typing this I suppose I seem melodramatic, but the reason I felt so utterly defeated and hopeless was because for the first time since I actually started French I actually believed I knew it really well and I was completely confident. That hadn’t happened before and that good feeling got shot down after going through that hell. I know it’s just one exam and that I probably did better than I’m making it out to be, but my day didn’t end there. Oh no.

Remember that ethics midterm I was getting back soon after my French exam? That one that all my other friends in my professor’s night class did so well on I was sure I got a good grade because we shared the same study questions? The one I stayed up until 2 studying for the night before and even skipped my service hours to study for it early in the morning making a ridiculous card to use during the midterm? Well I got it back and the grade was…

80.

An 80. Like B-. Like one point away from a C+. 25% of my final grade.

80.

There were comments all over the paper and I thank God that there were other students in there and I wasn’t alone with my professor, because only being just wounded by my depression with my French exam, the one thing I was counting on to make my day less sucky was this midterm. And I got an abysmal grade on it. After the initial shock I asked one of my friends who had also been worried about the midterm what she got (misery loves company) and she replied, “86 and I’m fine with it. What did you get?”

Seriously? Seriously? Am I the only freaking one of my friends who got the lowest score even though I’d spent so much time studying? Even though I’ve improved my study skills since last year and I’ve felt myself do better and yet these low B’s keeping slapping me across the face making me feel like I’m some imbecile who’s not even trying? I couldn’t keep my voice from shaking when I said “80″ and couldn’t say another word to her while I pretended to read the comments. I walked out of the office not saying a word and spent the walk from the Administration Building to my dorm walking quickly while breathing heavily to prevent myself from crying like an unreasonable person.

The plan? At first it was to get cracking on my 2 chapters of CIS work so I’d be able to spend fun times watching Supernatural and Project Runway tonight, which is basically a treat for me every Thursday. The plan now? Avoid as much interaction as I could and get to my room to take a nap while bawling my eyes out to make me feel better.

I came into our common room where Rachel, Audra, Karissa, and Alex were. I said hi and tried to go off to my room, but they stopped me to ask how to create an album cover for a CD. I couldn’t really register what they were saying until Alex explained what he usually does (which ended up being the same process I would use) and I quickly agreed with him. Then Karissa asked how my French exam went, since she left earlier than me.

Shit.

I tried to answer but my tears came pouring down my face quicker than I thought they would. They all tried to comfort me as I plopped on the futon and stared at the half-fallen tapestry. I was bound and determined not to look them in the face because I felt ashamed that I was crying so heavily in front of them. I confessed how hopeless I felt and that I’d been studying so hard, which they had even seen, and yet I was getting all these sucky scores. What was I doing different? They were really sweet trying to comfort me and I was able to stop crying, but the twisted emotions were still there. I used the excuse that I was going to do my CIS work in my room, which I really am doing after I’m done with this post, in order to get all my feelings out onto this blog.

Honestly, I don’t know where to start with picking these pieces back together. Once again, I probably sound melodramatic and even emo-ish, but I really feel this way.

I’ve been thinking lately that I want to do movie sets as my career, but I don’t have the means here to do so and have been looking for graduate schools that might help me out. I haven’t found any so far and I don’t know what to do. Next semester I’ll try with our own theater group to do some sets, but they typically don’t have the budget for them so I don’t know how far I’d get or how much experience I’d receive from it. Not to mention I feel like I don’t have any kind of imagination when it comes to design because I (1.)have a strong inferiority complex and (2.)can’t seem to make good art just “happen”. Like it doesn’t come easy for me like it does for others and I feel mediocre while in my classes. Even today when I walked into the common room Audra was working on a piece for her Drawing I class (which I’m doing now as well but I have a different professor) and it was extraordinary. Instantly I felt like she was so much better than me, which didn’t help my mood and I felt mediocre.

Not to mention I want to be a French minor but after this exam I feel like my confidence has shattered. As I type this out though, I’m slightly coming to my senses.
1. It was one French exam. If you did horrible, (which you probably did better than you think) your lowest exam grade will be dropped, so just do better next time.
2. The ethics midterm. Salazar even said if you didn’t do too well you still had the other aspects of the final grade to make sure you still get a good grade. And an 80 is infinitely better than a D or F which over half the class got.
3. Dummy. Don’t lose confidence in your art! So what if you think some people are better? You have your own style and you don’t have to be perfect at everything, you silly perfectionist! Do the best you can and love what you do.
4. These two papers you have to do. Fine, so you’ve lost some of your excitement in doing your Wilde paper and are dreading even more the ridiculous research paper for CIS. Keep going and you’ll be fine. You’ve still got time and you aren’t too far behind. Get a grip, swallow those bad emotions and get your butt in gear. You will always have some days that are bad but you can’t let it drag you down and utterly swallow you, because then you will lose to yourself.

Learn from this. And get over it. Eat some chocolate or something. Your friends love you and are always there for you. Be happy. You can’t let one bad day ruin all you’ve accomplished so far.

So now that I’ve beaten out some of my feelings into this post, I’m going to open my drapes to let some sunshine in, put on some happy music, and do some CIS work.

“Nothing should be out of reach of hope. Life is a hope.” -Oscar Wilde

Wat lazen we vandaag in de standaard? Bejaarden pesten elkaar in rusthuis.

Na wat inwendig leedvermaak bij de titel, begon in het artikel in kwestie te lezen. Bleek dat het pestgedrag van bejaarden veel weg heeft van het pestgedrag op school bij kleine kinderen en dat gevolgen van de pesterijen depressiviteit, angst en sociale eenzaamheid kunnen zijn. U dacht dan vast dat ik dit onderzoek zou aangrijpen om wederom mijn gal te spuiten over de bejaarde parasiet die onze maatschappij teistert. Maar neen, ik juich dit soort pestgedrag eerder toe dan dat ik het afkeur. 

Whiiiii <o/

De Ieren trekken vandaag weer eens naar de opiniepeilingbus, om al dan niet voor het verdrag van Lissabon te stemmen. De meeste mensen hebben geen flauw benul van wat dat verdrag juist betekent, noch van wat de Europese Unie voor dat achterlijke schapenland heeft gedaan de laatste 25 jaar.  Rechtenstudenten zouden ten minste iets minder dom moeten zijn, toch in deze materie. Wat lezen we echter op destandaard.be ? Dat een rechtenstudent, hij is zelfs lid van de European Law Students Association, ‘niet veel van het verdrag weet’, en daarom neen gaat stemmen. Is Ierland nog zo’n ontwikkelingsland dat de universiteiten geen internet hebben, zodat hem de mogelijkheid verstoken bleef om de tekst op te zoeken? En hoe werkt dat aardappelhoofd dan exact, om van ‘ik ken er geen snars van’ naar ‘ik stem daarom tegen’ te gaan?

Hopelijk stemmen de Ieren straks ‘neen’ tegen het verdrag van Lissabon. Mijn Facebook-groep ‘Throw Ireland out of the EU’ staat al klaar.

Once upon a time I met a very nice guy who turned into a borderline creepy stalker. He consistently won’t leave me alone, even though its been a few months since i told him flat out i was not fucking interested.

Now what?