Summer is here, which means the bugs are back.  So, this time on QUICK CUTS, we’re asking, What’s your favorite giant bug movie? 

****

Since the last one was kind of short, here’s another one!

COLLEEN WANGLUND:

I am generally freaked out by bugs, and movies with giant rampaging bugs REALLY freak me out.  Some of my favorites include

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977)

THE FLY (1958)

THEM! (1954)

STARSHIP TROOPERS (1997)

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)

They’ve all made my skin crawl at one time or another.

—END—

(More GIANT BUG answers coming next week!)

Summer is here, which means the bugs are back.  So, this time on QUICK CUTS, we’re asking, What’s your favorite giant bug movie? 

****

DANIEL KEOHANE:

THEM! (1954) is my all-time favorite. I still remember watching it for the first time on Channel 56 (Boston) and thinking, WOW, this was actually GREAT. Well-acted and great effects for the time.

And I have a special affinity for KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977), not because it was a great movie (it was not), but we watched it incessantly as teens over the summer of ’78 or ’79 on cable and thinking about it now reminds me of hot summer days wasting time. And Shatner’s death scene (though he survives it, you just assume he’s simply dying very… slowly…) is by far the best ever filmed in Hollywood. Best… ever….

—END—

It’s hard to do my usual thing today when the topic is the worst nuclear disaster in history and the horrific consequences still felt 25 years later. Tasteless jokes and “hey, I have a thesaurus”-style wit probably aren’t the best tools for this one. Then again, I’ve never been credited with an overabundance of wisdom or decency. I’m also an asshole. And let’s face it, that’s why you like me.

Above is one of several rare photos taken at Chernobyl displayed on THE GUARDIAN’s website today. The whole piece is worth taking a look at, as is the WIKIPEDIA page about the disaster. For those of you too young to remember life before cell phones and the internet, Chernobyl was about the scariest thing to ever happen on the planet Earth. And I come from a generation that was still taught in grade school to dive under the desk in the event of a fucking nuclear attack.

I thought, however, the best comment on the complete and utter idiocy of humankind comes not from my warped imagination but from the photo caption itself:

“Liquidators clean the roof of reactor 3. Initially, workers tried clearing the radioactive debris using West German, Japanese and Russian robots, but they could not cope with the extreme radiation levels, so the authorities decided to use humans. Employees could not stay any longer than 40 seconds any one time, before the radiation dose they received reached the maximum a human should receive in his entire life. Many liquidators have since died or suffer from severe health problems”

If robots can’t do it then nobody can. But I give these guys all the credit in the world for trying. Of course this was the Soviet Union we’re talking about so my guess is that their choice was either run across the roof of a burning nuclear reactor or take a bullet in the head. Or both.

Today, I get really tired of corporate propaganda telling me how safe nuclear energy is. The entire goal of business is to get people to buy shit whether they need it or want it or not. And do we really need so much energy that we’re going to tamper with the forces of the atom? I mean, maybe we should stop putting fucking LED clocks on every appliance we sell. Maybe every goddamn piece of children’s furniture  or toy doesn’t need some electronic attachment. Maybe, just maybe, we could turn off some of the lights and giant plasma screens at the fucking Staple’s Center. Maybe Japan wouldn’t have needed nuclear power in the first place if Tokyo didn’t look like Las Vegas on PCP.

But, no. We humans just don’t think that way. Don’t turn down the flame, crank up the gas. Don’t find a clean and efficient way to produce energy or learn how to use less of it, just split the atom and hope for the best. Don’t politely ask me to stop peeping through your bedroom windows to watch you undress, call the police and create a big hassle for everyone. Jesus, people make me sick.

Activate the weather control balloons, because Son of Godzilla is the Greatest Movie EVER!

Click on the DVD cover or the movie title above to download our review of the film, featuring the return of M.O.M.!

Review in a Nutshell:  A film that includes baby dinosaur shenanigans, tropical hijinks, and rampaging arthropods, Son of Godzilla is one of the goofier entries in the Showa series.  Many fans revile it for the introduction of the titular character, but the film is still something of a guilty pleasure here at the Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast.

This movie contains:

SCIENCE!

The true peril of giant arachnid research.

ARGH!  KILL IT WITH FIRE!

1982′s creature feature THE BEAST WITHIN was a genius of movie marketing.  By taking a typical 50′s monster movie plot, adding updated 70′s/early 80s monster-rape mayhem (ala XTRO and HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP), and packaging it with one of the best TV ad campaigns seen since the golden days of exploitation cinema, this effective, low-budget shocker gave theater-goers everything they were promised…except for a coherent plot.

For about a month before THE BEAST WITHIN‘s Feb. 15th, 1982 opening weekend (YIKES! that’s almost 30 years ago!), MGM ran a relentless television ad campaign that featured a slow zoom-out of the theater poster (see above), with a man’s voice saying something like, “The producers of this film DARE you to sit through the last 30 minutes of THE BEAST WITHIN without covering your eyes, screaming, or running from your seat!.  They DARE you!”  Ka-CHINGK!  That was the sound of every horror fans around the United States being reeled in, and of course yours truly was in attendance Friday night at the (of course, now defunct) Rae Twin Cinema, a slim but lengthy duplex that was located adjacent to an OTB.  The excitement waiting in line to see this was kind of amazing for a low-budget horror film: people bopped around (whether due to the cold or from being psyched by the TV ad, is anyone’s guess) as old men cut through the line to lay cash down next door on the ponies.

I stared at THE BEAST WITHIN‘s poster, which reminded me of a few favorites from the 70s, such as CREATURE FROM BLACK LAKE (1976) and THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972).  I wasn’t too surprised when the film began and I discovered it took place in Mississippi: despite the TV commercial having no scenes from the film, the poster just gave it that vibe.  (Okay, who am I kidding?  The pre-coverage in Fangoria magazine had spilled a few beans).

Part of the genius of DARING an audience to make it through the last 30 minutes of a film is the producers now had the freedom to give us a crappy, boring first 60.  But thankfully—and despite a slow scene or two—THE BEAST WITHIN turned out to be an effective little monster movie, beginning in the 1950s when some poor newlywed woman is raped on a dirt road by a bug-eyed creature, and of course the rest of the film dealing with her son who is the creature’s offspring.  While his parents didn’t understand this yet, the audience pretty much had it figured out from the get-go.

It doesn’t take long for 17 year-old Michael (played nicely by Paul Clemens, who starred in a few other genre outings) to start showing signs that something wasn’t right in his life.  He begins having violent outbursts, local townspeople are found dead, all leading up to one fantastic metamorphosis-sequence courtesy of underrated FX whiz Thomas Burman, who worked on the great 1977 version of THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU, 1978′s INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 1979′s mutant-bear epic, PROPHECY, and, more famously, had a hand in THE GOONIES (1985).  Here, I dare say he even gave the Oscar-winning werewolf-transformation sequence in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON a run for its money…

THE BEAST WITHIN turns out to be some kind of Cicada-insect creature, and while it’s not even remotely explained why or how this thing exists, I always found this missing information added to the film’s overall creepiness (I remember at the time a lot of people left the theater complaining about it).  The plot is infested (full pun intended) with this and other plot holes, but people who come to a monster movie with a gimmick marketing campaign really shouldn’t be looking for logic.  They should come looking for fun—and the last 30 minutes of this delivers the goods: The BEAST is on the loose in a small town as a few rednecks take refuge in a police station (my favorite scene has one older man—who decides it’d be safer to lock himself in the jail’s small holding pen—has his head ripped off when the BEAST slams his insectoid-hands through the only non-barred side of the cage and pops his noggin’ like a dandelion!).  All sorts of carnage ensues, including (SPOILER ALERT!!) Michael/BEAST impregnating some poor lass to keep the bug-line going, shortly before his mother blows his head off via shotgun for a dark and satisfying finale.

I’m not sure how well this one holds up on cable or DVD (I’ve only seen it once that opening night, way back when), but for a bunch of high school freshman, it worked like a charm and spewed us out of the theater with wicked grins on our popcorn-buttered faces.  I think I’ll re-watch this the next time it airs on the IFC channel, which it does quite often…

© Copyright 2011 by Nick Cato

The Beast in mid-transformation....YOWCH!

Over the years I’ve seen dozens of insect horror movies, but there are a few that I absolutely adore.  Some are brilliant examples of classic horror films, but the others are so cheesy I laugh hysterically all the way through them no matter how many times I see them.  So, without further ado, I present my top 5 insect horror movies:

IMDB Rating: 7.0. Image from IMDB.com.

5. The Fly. Now many of you will be familiar with the modern version of The Fly, the one with Jeff Goldblum and Gina Davis that was released in 1986, or maybe The Fly II with Eric Stoltz.  These are both fine insect horror films.  However, if I’m going to watch The Fly, I prefer the 1956 Vincent Price version.  Vincent Price was a brilliant horror actor and really makes this movie work.  You probably all know the story: a scientist develops a teleportation device and tests it on himself.  However, he didn’t know there was a fly in the machine with him when he turned it on.  The result: the scientist’s body comes out the other side with the fly head on top!  Vincent Price’s character is a the brother of the doomed scientist and attempts to help the scientist’s wife cope with her husband’s disfiguration.  The movie is actually good, with skilled actors and a a touching plot.  The end of this movie is fabulous, but I’m not going to ruin it!  You’ll just have to watch it yourself.

IMDB Rating: 3.1. Image from IMDB.com.

4.  Mansquito / Mosquito Man. This is a Sci-Fi Channel exclusive, and if you know anything about made-for-Sci-Fi Channel movies, you know how terrible this movie really is!  The plot is decent enough.  Once again, we have a scientist, this time a woman who is testing some new compound she’s developed on prisoners.  However, an explosion in the lab as the prisoner is about to be injected has disastrous effects!  Both the convict and the scientist begin to transform into giant mosquitoes.  And if that isn’t enough to make you want to run out and watch this tonight, let me just say that the “love” scene between mostly transformed convict and partly transformed scientist is about the most hilariously bad scene ever created for a movie.  This movie definitely falls into the so bad it’s good category, but it made me laugh.  A lot.  Hence its appearance on my list.

IMDB Rating: 2.8. Image from IMDB.com.

3.  Skeeter. This movie follows a standard plot in insect horror movies: pollution caused by man irradiates or otherwise mutates the insects in an area (usually a remote area) and turns them into giants.  Apart from the fact that an insect this big would collapse under its own weight, I really love this particular plot.  I believe Skeeter takes place in a small town in Nevada, a town that has an illegal toxic waste dump conveniently located in a damp cave or mine shaft with a lot of water.  The mosquitoes become gigantic, about the size of a basketball, and go on a killing rampage through the area around the town.  Add to this a love story between a lawman and a woman from the town and you’ve got yourself one fabulous so bad it’s good insect horror movie!

IMDB Rating: 7.4. Image from IMDB.com.

2.  Them! Okay, okay.  I know I should put Them! first for several reasons.  First, this movie is surprisingly detailed and correct when it comes to the science. You can actually learn something about ants watching this movie!  Second, the story is fabulous – atomic testing in New Mexico creates a hoard of ant giants that terrorize the humans who created them.  Third, this is probably THE most classic insect horror movie.  Don’t get me wrong.  Them! is a truly brilliant movie and makes for great commentary on the consequences of the nuclear age.  If I were going to recommend a good insect horror movie to someone, this would be it.  However, I just can’t put this movie above my all-time favorite insect horror movie…

IMDB Rating: 3.2. Image from IMDB.com.

1.  Empire of the Ants.  This movie is pure B-movie greatness!  There’s a ton of bad, overly dramatic acting.  The story is completely ludicrous.  The beginning of the movie is supposed to put the plot into context – we humans are destroying the planet, consequences be damned – but the narration is so over the top it’s impossible to take the movie seriously.  Once again, we have giant ants created due to toxic waste.  Once again, the giant ants are terrorizing people, this time a group of potential investors who are visiting a bogus land-development project headed by the scamming Joan Collins.  They have to fight off the ants to save their lives, only to get into worse and worse situations with fewer and fewer people as they go along.  The movie oozes more cheese than a big pile of nachos!  But I think it’s absolutely hilarious to watch.  Plus, the ants in this movie are actually pretty cool for the most part.  I can’t be sure, but I believe they filmed some scenes through an ant farm-like enclosure (or superimposed film of ants in such an enclosure) so that the ants crawling on the buildings and the docks look much more realistic than they do in most insect horror movies.  Still, the big showdown between the ants and the survivors at the end is so shockingly bad it can make you forget about the more redeeming qualities of this movie.  I was recently very excited (perhaps too excited!) to discover that it had been released on DVD, so you might actually be able to get your hands on a copy of this gem of an insect horror movie.  I highly recommend it.

So that’s my list.  Anyone want to share their favorite insect horror movie?  If so, leave a comment below!  I’d love to discover a new movie or two to watch!

_______________

Unless otherwise stated, all text, images, and video are copyright © 2011 DragonflyWoman.wordpress.com

Welcome to another edition of PICKIN’ THE CARCASS, that column where we snack on movie leftovers, looking for goodies left inside the DVD bin.

Tonight we check out INFESTATION (2009), a tale of mutant bugs gone wild, now available on DVD.

INFESTATION gets off to a fast start as we quickly meet a slacker named Cooper (Chris Marquette) who’s about to be fired from his job.  In fact, Cooper’s boss is in the process of firing him when they both hear a high pitched sound that is so painful they lose consciousness.

Cooper wakes up to find himself wrapped inside a strange web-like substance.  As he breaks out of the web, he is promptly attacked by a giant bug that resembles an oversized cockroach, about the size of a large dog.  Cooper successfully fights off the giant bug and then wakes up his boss, also encased in a large web.  In fact, everyone in the city is unconscious and wrapped in webs.

Cooper’s boss remembers that her daughter had been waiting outside the office building in her car to pick her up for a lunch date, and so they venture outside to search for her.  They find her inside her car, and as they unwrap her, a giant flying insect swoops down and carries Cooper’s screaming boss away.

These are the two basic threats in INFESTATION, giant crawling roach bugs, and giant flying bugs that whisk people away into the sky.

Cooper and his boss’ daughter, Sara (Brooke Nevin) wake up several of the people around them, and in standard post-apocalyptic horror movie fashion, they band together and try to make sense of it all.  They also devise a plan of action, which refreshingly enough makes sense.

Cooper suggests they make their way to his father’s house because his father, a retired military man, is a fanatic who stockpiles weapons and ammunition in his house, materials they could use against the giant bugs.  Sara wants to head towards the monstrous nest they see in the distance because she believes that’s where the flying insects are taking their prisoners.  She hopes to find her mother alive there.

Along the way, they make another grisly discovery, that the people who have been stung by the insects turn into human/insect hybrids, and these hybrids are just as deadly as the insects.

The ante is upped when Sara is also whisked away by a flying insect, and Cooper must turn to his fanatic dad (Ray Wise) for help.

INFESTATION isn’t going to win any awards for best horror movie of the year, but it is a fun movie that has a lot going for it.

Writer/director Kyle Rankin does a very good job with the material.  The story is lively, the characters well-written, and the action scenes well-done.

The film does suffer at times from a case of the “goofies” as it gravitates towards the silly.  I guess Rankin thought a story about giant bugs was too goofy to be taken seriously, which is too bad because I would have preferred INFESTATION had it been made as a straight horror movie.  But, for the most part, the humor doesn’t go overboard.

There’s no explanation given as to why there are giant bugs all over the place, but unlike the recent movie SKYLINE (2010) where I felt suffocated by the lack of pacing, here the pacing is quick, slick, and energetic, so much so you don’t care that no explanation is given because you’re having too much fun watching the movie.

The characters make decisions that make sense in the face of catastrophe, and their explanations of what they’re doing and why are exceedingly clear.  Their common sense is refreshing.  I also totally bought their drive to get to the nest to save their loved ones, as opposed to “why in the world would they be going there?”

I found Chris Marquette annoying as Cooper at first, but his performance grew on me as the movie went along, and by the end of the movie, I was rooting for him to succeed.  Even better than Marquette was Brooke Nevin as Sara.  Nevin delivered a believable, three-dimensional performance, a strong heroine legitimately concerned about her missing mother.  I also bought her relationship with Cooper. She’s turned off by him at first, but as the story goes along, she warms up to him.  Nevin delivers the best performance in the movie.

The rest of the cast is also very good.  There’s not a weak link among them.  Even Ray Wise as Cooper’s dad Ethan hits the mark in what could have been a strictly clichéd character, a retired military officer turned weapons fanatic.  Instead, Wise brings Ethan to life as a sympathetic character who you actually like by the end of the movie.  Of course, part of the credit for this belongs to writer Kyle Rankin for fleshing out these characters so well.

The special effects are adequate.  The CGI effects are pretty good, and there’s also some use of giant models in some scenes where people are wrestling with the bugs. These models do look fake, but the quick camerawork enables Rankin to get away with this.  It’s a quick glimpse and then back to CGI.  Somehow, it works.  And unlike the recent movie MONSTERS (2010) where the monsters for the most part forgot to show up, there are plenty of giant insects here.  You won’t be disappointed.

There are also some well placed gruesome scenes in this one.  Director Rankin doesn’t hold back on the gore.  The human/insect hybrids are actually pretty scary, and I found them more frightening than the giant insects.

INFESTATION is a lot of fun.  It reminded me a lot of the classic TREMORS (1990), though not as good, and more recently EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2002).  It doesn’t take itself too seriously, yet it doesn’t allow its humor to get in the way of its horror tale.  It strikes a good balance.

It does have a weak ending.  I’m just not a fan of open-ended conclusions.  It’s like ending a novel with a question.  Very lame.

All in all, though, INFESTATION is a film worth checking out, especially if you like fast-paced giant bug movies.

I highly recommend it.

—END—

© Copyright 2010 by Michael Arruda

(The Scene: A bare room with a solitary table in its center. On the table lies a human skeleton. MICHAEL ARRUDA is standing next to the table looking at the skeleton when L.L. SOARES enters the room.)

LS: Whatcha doin? Pickin’ a carcass again?

MA: No. I’m just making sense of all this symbolism.

LS: Let’s see. Bare walls, no furniture in the room, skeletal remains picked clean of all its flesh— I’d say it symbolizes your complete lack of taste in movies.

MA (scowls at LS): No. What it symbolizes is the slim pickings we have at the movies this month: just one new theatrical horror release in November. That’s it, folks.

LS: That would be SKYLINE opening on November 12.

MA: That’s right. But first up on November 8, I’ll be reviewing the movie INFESTATION (2009) now available on DVD. INFESTATION is about giant alien insects, and sounds like a throwback to the old radioactive giant bug movies from the 1950s. Since I love monster movies, I’m looking forward to this one. If anything, maybe it’ll have a good sense of humor, a la TREMORS (1990) and EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2002).]

LS: On November 12, we’ll be reviewing SKYLINE. The first trailer I saw for this, it looked like an interesting variation on the alien invaders theme. A second trailer I just saw shows there are giant monsters as well. I don’t know what to expect at this point, but I hope SKYLINE is a good one.

MA: I’ve enjoyed the trailers for SKYLINE, and I’m looking forward to seeing it. It looks like a cross between CLOVERFIELD and DISTRICT 9 or WAR OF THE WORLDS. I just hope it’s dark and scary, and not at all like INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996).

LS: INDEPENDENCE DAY…..ugh.

MA: SKYLINE is directed by Colin and Greg Strause, the brothers who directed ALIEN VS. PREDATOR –REQUIEM (2007).

The big theatrical release on November 19 will be HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1. The scariest thing about this one is it’s a PART 1 of 2. They couldn’t even put this out as one movie – they just had to stretch it out. Ugh!

LS: Sounds like a lot of “ughs” this month.

MA: Dan Keohane will have the misfortune- er…honor of reviewing this one, as LL and I will be spared the fanciful antics of young Mr. Potter. I’m happy for this because I’ve never really enjoyed the Harry Potter movies. They’ve always seemed to me too sweet, as if they were all directed by Steven Spielberg when he was in his ET phase. Besides, every time I see the name Harry Potter I think of a bunny rabbit. I guess it’s the whole Peter Rabbit- Beatrix Potter connection.

(A cute little bunny hops by. LS lifts a huge club high over his head.)

BUNNY (trembling): Y-you wouldn’t!

LS: I would. But you’re in luck today. I’m giving you a free pass.

BUNNY: Gee, thanks.

(LS slams club down and flattens bunny with a huge SPLAT!)

MA: I thought you said you were giving him a free pass?

LS: I did. I gave him a free pass to the bunny heaven. An express ticket, too.

MA: That’s awful.

LS: It sure is. I got rabbit guts all over my new pants.

I really have to thank Dan Keohane for taking the bullet – I mean, for seeing this one. I’d rather be stuck in a room with Celine Dion than see a Harry Potter movie.

On November 26, Thanksgiving weekend, I’ll be doing a surprise review. Since there’s nothing in the theaters worth seeing.

MA:  Which is code for:  you have no idea what you’ll be reviewing that weekend.

And that wraps up November. Like we said at the beginning, it’s slim pickings this month. Hopefully SKYLINE will be excellent and will make us forget it’s the only horror release this month.

(Skeleton suddenly sits up on table.)

SKELETON: It’s a lonely month, this November. I have no one to talk to, except for you two knuckleheads. Speaking of which, I have a bone to pick with you two.

MA: You do? What about?

SKELETON: How come you haven’t reviewed any good skeleton movies lately? Remember in the past when they had movies like THE SCREAMING SKULL (1958) or THE SKULL (1965)? What happened to stuff like that?

LS: We just review the movies. We don’t make them.

MA: There just haven’t been any skeleton or skull movies lately. Sorry.

SKELETON: I’d even settle for a sword fight scene in one of those SINBAD movies.

MA: Well, who knows. Maybe skeletons will make a comeback.

LS: But we’re not going to hold our breath. Especially right now, because we’re outta here.

MA: That’s right. It’s time for this column to come to a close. Until next time—.

LS: So long folks. We’re off to the movies!

—END—

Picture of the real Mothra. Also pictured: Godzilla (background)

link: Cryptomundo » LA Quake Prediction: Are Giant Butterfly Sightings Mothman-Like Precursors?.

This Month’s Question:

Excluding JAWS, what is your pick for the ultimate summer horror movie?

***

NICK CATO RESPONDS (WITH THE FINAL ANSWER TO THIS MONTH’S QUESTION):

On a hot summer afternoon in July 1977, my cousins and I went to see EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977), which at the time (considering we were all around 9 years old) we thought was some kind of sci-fi masterpiece.  Of course it hit us a few years later just how horrible this thing was, but it is a genuinely entertaining “summer monster movie.”

The film takes place in a resort area of Florida, so the stage is already set for that summer-time feel.  Add a few hundred Cadillac-sized ants that are capable of brainwashing humans to do their bidding, PLUS “Dynasty” star Joan Collins in an irritating supporting role, and the film holds up to great annual viewings on your laptop at family picnics.

Just as JAWS (1975) kept people out of the water, EMPIRE OF THE ANTS has managed to keep me out of Florida (at least that’s what I tell people).

–END—

(And as an added treat – the even cooler UK poster for EMPIRE OF THE ANTS!)

- – I, for one, am not really fond of gigantic insects, especially when they’re anthropomorphic, possessed of the power of speech, and even capable of driving cars.   These are so much more than the lumbering giant insects seen in such vintage B-flicks as the ant saga,  Them…the giant insectile creatures of Starship Troopers were a hoot, though!

…such are the awesome and disgusting ants and roaches of Orkin, appearing in televised ads right at your doorstep and even crashing your pool party!  These bugs are insidious and clever; they might be delivering a pizza that you didn’t order, or saying that they’re broken down, and need to use your telephone…in one of the latest ads, a giant cockroach shows up to leer at an amorous couple in a hot tub.  He (-it?) lets his towel drop to the floor, and asks in a wonderful voiceover if he can go “dipping skinny!”  When they are spurned and countered, the bugs peel out in a variety of cool and classic vehicles, including motorcycles!

At once both sinister and comical, these bugs are animatronic, and it reportedly takes seven guys to operate each one.  If they come to your house, don’t let ‘em in…it would probably take more than a rolled-up newspaper to defeat them, and we value your readership!

The Burger King “tiny hands” campaign. OH DEAR GOD NO

The giant insects in the Orkin commercials. Are you trying to make me vomit in terror?

Nationwide Insurance’s “World’s Greatest Spokeperson in the World”, who is definitely a serial hatchet murderer. You can probably read all about the people whose chopped-up bodies are hidden under his floorboards on his Facebook.

Honorable mention: Centennial Wireless’s “naked guy”, which — luckily for you — I couldn’t find a picture of. (And I don’t recommend image Googling “[blank] naked guy” on your parents’ computer.) I never would have seen this excrable ad campaign if I hadn’t moved to Louisiana. They even have billboards of him. The tagline is “You’re covered”; hence the nakedness. Of course, his naughty bits are always conveniently covered. I mean, I guess it’s supposed to be cheeky, but it’s just yucky to me. For one thing, he’s obviously been slathered in self-tanner. And when he walks around in the teevee spots, his little moobs jiggle. NOT SEXY.

But the worst is when he’s totally naked, except he’s wearing a necktie. Ties on shirtless men totally gross me out. There’s probably some 13-syllable Latin word for it. Naturally, I am not a fan of the Chippendales.

I’m kinda stealing someone else’s discovery with this post… The above artwork is done by a Mr. Caleb Brown. His work speaks for itself… and by “speaks”, I mean yells at you and then your face explodes due to your fragile human form being unable to cope with the epic images that Mr. Brown has conjured up. I hope that the future holds a lot more work for Mr. Brown. The man should be commissioned for movie posters. He seemingly has the ability to make everything look insanely awesome. Bravo, sir.

Not wanting to steal someone else’s thunder here is a link to the blog that I originally saw these on… there’s a few more awesome paintings by Mr. Brown to be seen .

Meighan O’Toole’s My Love For You

That’s the first sentence of a CNN story today. Apparently Agent Orange, war-ravaged and starving natives and other Vietnam War-associated horrors failed to kill off the rat. Come to think of it, judging by 1950s films such as “Tarantula,” “Earth vs. the Spider,” The Deadly Mantis,” “The Black Scorpion,” “Them” (giant ants), and “Beginning of the End” (giant grasshoppers), Agent Orange may even have created the spider and the millipede.

Based on a World Wildlife Fund report, the  story later states: “Perhaps a more startling discovery than the rat was a bright green pit viper scientists spotted slithering through the rafters of a restaurant in Khao Yai National Park in Thailand.” Maybe it was searching for an 11-million-year-old rat. Regardless, Southeast Asia just slipped a notch or two on my list of desired travel locations.

The WWF offers a list of endangered species to watch, and uses government science to point out the increased danger to species from global warming. Unfortunately, as with other areas of public policy, when it comes to global warming and endangered species the Bush administration has a perhaps-criminal disregard for science.

In a typical Friday move, at the end of last week the administration announced a plan that will let bureaucrats instead of scientists determine the fate of some endangered species. Three days later, in what has become a regular occurrence, a government report revealed wrongdoing on the part of Bush officials involved with at least 15 endangered species cases.

And no, those aren’t cases regarding retirement funds, the Big Three auto makers, or the endangered folks who were tortured by the Bush war team captained by Dick Cheney or and its allies.

Though it’s probably coincidental, perhaps the latest actions by the outgoing Liar in Chief explain why Barack Obama introduced key members of his own “environmental team,” including Colorado Sen. Ken Salazar, this week.

On the other hand, to be fair, maybe Bush has a good reason for ignoring scientists: Maybe he saw those same 1950s horror movies. For something considerably less scary than the Bush administration, see almost eight minutes of “Them” below:

As a special Halloween-themed treat (or is it a trick?), we declare that

Hocus Pocus and Empire of the Ants are the Greatest Movies EVER!

Reviews in a Nutshell: Hocus Pocus has Sarah Jessica Parker as a sorcerous seductress.  Empire of the Ants has giant, radioactive ants.  What more needs to be said?

These movies (respectively) contain:

ZOMG GIANT ANTS.

SATAN.

As I pointed out in my review of Cloverfield, the US just doesn’t do gigantic monsters very well. The following is presented to back my case.

King Kong (1933)—Possibly the only great giant monster with any charisma to come out of the US. He’s survived one atrocious remake and one not-so-bad remake. His movie still stands up 75 years later. Not bad for an 18-inch articulated puppet.

Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953)—It’s the classic story of boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-wins-back-girl. Only by “boy” I mean “sea monster” and by “girl” I mean “lighthouse foghorn” and by “wins-girl-back” I mean “destroys a major coastal city.”

Them! (1954)—Nuclear testing in New Mexico causes ants to mutant into viscous giant killer-ants. The movie’s a classic—even if the monsters have no charisma (they’re ants, not much chance for personality). The movie manages to play it completely straight, unfolding more like a mystery than a monster movie. Even the massive rod-controlled ants, when finally revealed, are pretty effective. I don’t know why no one remade this movie and I don’t want to know. I just hope they never do.

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955)—Since it is a gigantic octopus, from beneath the sea is probably a safe guess as to where it came from. Fantastic stop-motion filmmaking by Ray Harryhausen. Even if he did only give the octopus five arms (pentapus?)

The Deadly Mantis (1957)—Eskimos accidentally wake up a slumbering, gigantic prehistoric praying mantis, which promptly goes on an orgy of destruction. Apparently, in the Mesozoic era they were the size of 747s and lived in the arctic circle—not exactly a lot of serious sci in this sci-fi movie. At the end the monster is felled by a poison gas attack. Brought to you by the era which also brought you smoking in hospitals, Thalidomide, and DDT.

Beginning of the End (1957)—Genetic engineering results in a race of super-huge locusts, which promptly attack the suburbs of Chicago (sure, why not?). Makes you wonder what the hell those geneticists were trying to accomplish, doesn’t it?

Earth vs. the Spider (1958)—And by Earth we mean a bunch of teenagers whose high school dance was ruined by the arrival of an enormous, superimposed tarantula.

The Giant Gila Monster (1959)—Nuclear tests in the desert cause a gila monster to become, well, giant. Ever wonder why nuclear blasts caused all these creatures to grow to giant proportions and not, you know, vaporize them?

Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)—It’s not the teenagers that are gigantic (though, they do all seem to be in their mid to late-thirties). No, it’s their kraken—the beasts they wish to unleash upon Earth. And to sate your curiosity, the kraken are giant lobsters that walk on their tails (not making this up). The teenagers don’t give a lot of explanation for the kraken—mostly they talk about tor-chure! (If you’ve seen the MST3K treatment of this film, you get the reference—or if you’ve responded to my Salon personals profile…)

Night of the Lepus (1972)—Giant mutated rabbits menace some ranchers out west. Memo to director William Claxman. Bill, if you’re still alive and reading this, giant rabbits are only scary if they’re anthropomorphic and menacing Jake Gyllenhaal.

Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)—Somehow the Aztec deity Quetzacoatl wakes up and terrorizes New York City. Some film critic, upon seeing the movie, shot a note to producer Samuel Z. Arkoff saying, “In the middle of all the dreck, there’s an incredible method performance by Michael Moriarty!” to which Arkoff replied, “The dreck was my idea.”

Godzilla (1998)—Oh sweet Jesus! How do you screw that up?