We stood out, downtown on the grid. So many metal boxes housing wanna be James Deans, white tee shirt defining a bicep ringed with hallmark Midwestern brown line. That muscly arm draped over the wheel, cig hanging off a bruised lip, “whatcha got, babe?” I got nothing, but the crew would laugh when I flew my third finger in the air, “race?”

Downtown playground, a race ground of concrete corners dotted with youth and wanna be rap gangs.

Silver wasn’t anything, but she didn’t know that. Her name derived from a backseat cooler full of piss water brewed in the mountains of Golden, Colorado. Illegal as sin; salvation for empty nights when we’d visit backroad graves still marked in between fields. Close enough to party the barn country when city lights seemed too far. Some nights, we just had to push her off the line. Everything to stand for back then, never questioning any man would stop me.

I think I’ll gather these remnants from this scared oak floor; the faux marble sink, and scatter then on a fresh canvas of black paint. These walls have gone too yellow, they need something new. Go ahead, ask if its art. Warning you , though, don’t add babe to the byline. We’re not in Kansas, anymore.

We are driving through the breathtaking mountains of colorado, its incredible what we have already experienced and as much as I would like to go into that, instead I am taking you deep, deep into where my journeys have taken me.

Through my psyche.

It is an experiental experience to know oneself, a trial and error of creating.

My happiness and expansion have come with dedication to pushing myself out of my box.
Evolution = change= progress=wisdom accrued
Its in the uncomfortable, unknowing, changing places that true growth of self takes place within me. I now take it upon myself to consciously evolve, stepping into these unknowing places, inviting the forces of change to bring it on, show me what I can now become.
Push through

Adventuring started for me almost 2 years ago. At that time I was in a space of feeling stagnant and unhappy with where I was. My life by all means was stable, and comforting, yet there were inside and outside forces that seemed to be pushing me out of this comfortable life.
I could feel deep within me that there was more for me to experience, for me to become. I felt a undeniable loss of what I felt I had built up, yet it wasn’t so much a loss more so a need to gain.

I didn’t know where I was headed except for the first two destinations, and took off.
Life opened up, and I was shown through dreams and my heart of where to go next.

Following the flow.

I went from Montana for a month and a half, to New Mexico for 3 months, to Sedona for a weekend, up to San Francisco for 3 weeks, to Hawaii for 2 and half months, back home for a month, out to NYC for 5 months, back home for almost 3 months, then to Berlin for 5 weeks, home to process and start afresh for 4 months.
Haha, as I just read that I got overwhelmed.
The experiences within my travels have been more of an integration into the places I am residing, not as a tourist, instead living where I settle for the time being.
It is my dream to experience myself as a local wherever I journey to, I think that is where I truly learn.
Its not always glitz and glamour, but what in life is?

In leaving it became my entrance into the cocoon, weaving my chrysalis all around me, protecting me, keeping myself in convalescence.
I didn’t know where I would be going from my first stop, but I knew that I would never again be what I once was.
My transformation was inevitable, and however long it took, when I was through I would emerge with a knowing of self beyond all of what I defined myself with at home.
This was a gateway, a transformative period of surrendering my old way of belonging and saying goodbye for good to the girl within me.
leaving all behind in search of self

if I can’t look within, at all that is within, how can I possibly bring it out?
I had dreams, visions and epiphanies of being this woman

I had to ask myself the simple question.

who am I outside all that defines me?
what is it I need to release?
how do I bring myself authentically into the world?
how to overcome MYSELF?

Becoming whole took the courage to undermine parts of myself.
go within
breakdown to break through.
Digging down felt unpleasant, looked unpleasant at times, emotions, flashes and memories that I did not on any level wish to acknowledge.
I am fine, had been my key phrases throughout my life.

I wasn’t fine, my self wasn’t where I wanted to be.
Push, dig, unravel, reweave.

To be Continued Tomorrow…….

xo,

Nicole

You can watch it here: http://www.myc3church.net/node/71# and then by selecting the above date.

From 46:03 to 51:03:

“Let’s come to God with something in our hands and not just words in our mouth.

Acts three. This passage I was reading was actually yesterday at the RealMens Conference in Perth. And it struck me that this really applied to the lot wider area of life then just this guy getting a miracle in his legs so he can walk again. Its says… [Reads passage: Acts 3:2] And I thought about how there are times in our lives when we need to be carried – where other people carry you. But when you have an encounter with God, when Jesus touches your life, you get to stand up where you didn’t stand before. And you actually get to enter the temple rather than sitting at the gate on the margins.

And there comes a day where every boy needs to become a man. Where every girl needs to become a woman. We actually grow – grow up to a level where we’re assuming responsibility. We’re no longer getting carried. And for most of us here, we’ve met the Lord. Ninety five percent of us have received Christ and He’s helped us to stand, even thought we were lame from birth.  We were not born again, we became born again and we found our legs so we can start to walk. We can stand and we can climb and we can go places.

But one of the things we got to accept is that, that means we are no longer being carried around. And I don’t think that any of us who are saying,  “I’m a follower of Jesus Christ. I’ve found my legs. I’m standing.’, should allow ourselves to be carried by others. And every week we come here. A lot of people bring their tithes and bring their offerings and I don’t want to ever be thinking, ‘Well look! I got all these other guys carrying me around here. You know? I’ve got the air conditioning. I’ve got the infrastructure of the pastoral team. I’ve got the musicians and everything but I’m not gonna put anything in. I’m just gonna let everybody else carry me along.’

I believe there comes a day where we gotta say, “You know what? I’m gonna grow up. I’m going to resume responsibility here. And I’ll carry those who have not yet found their legs. But I’ve found my legs. And I’m going to actually bring in my tithe and bring in my offering to support the house of God. So I’m a standing member of the congregation, amen! So I’m a standing member of the House of God.

And this guy started leaping and jumping and worshiping God and it said he went all the way into the temple. He had spent years sitting at the gate of the temple begging, asking others. He got carried to the temple and then he’d beg just to get something . But now he had his legs, he’d become a producer not a consumer. He’d become a giver, not a beggar. And to get ourselves out of that mindset, it’s amazing to me how many times I find Christians anticipating that life’s a free ride for them. That they have somehow the right to get and receive, not even considering how much it costs to have the lights on, how much it costs the projection, you know and all this happening here. And think, ‘Oh, I’ll just let everybody else cover that for me and I’ll get carried’. But someday – I’m challenging you here today – stand up! Amen!

Get a miracle in your life where you’re actually a carrier. And you’re saying, ‘You know what? I’m going to be a responsible person in the House of God and find myself carrying those who haven’t yet found their legs. I’m going to go from a boy to a man; from a girl to a woman; from a young person to an adult. And have a mature attitude in my life where I am a responsible person, in Jesus name’. And everybody said, amen!

Father, I pray here this morning that everyone one of us would understand the call of God on our lives to be a contributor; to be a producer; to be a carrier – not to be carried – not to be forever just somebody who’s limping through life and wanting others to support us in the beggar’s state of mind. I’m praying Father that we would make a switch here this morning and we find ourselves standing tall and strong, taking steps in life, climbing the mountains, walking and leaping and praising God and entering all the way into the temple life. In Jesus name, here today Father, I’m praying blessing and a miracle to come into everyone of our lives. That we would make that graduation; that initiation out of one area of life into another and assume that responsibility for carrying your great work in the earth, in Jesus mighty name – and everybody said, amen.”

For the most part society seems to say that becoming a woman is simply waking up one day and being 20 or 25; and now you are a woman.

If only it were that easy!

Every female starts out as a little baby girl, and true as they grow year by year, inch by inch, that little baby girl looks more and more like a woman. However a real woman is so, not only in appearance. Do we know what changes in us as the years pass? Is it mere experience, the bruised knee, broken heart, tear-wet pillow that performs this transformation? It is certainly a part of it all. But there is more to it then experience. How about the pages and pages or read books, novels, newspapers, magazines. These bring ideas from miles and miles of lifestyles away. Eyes help as well, they allow to see; a female teacher the way she deals with children in her class, the woman at the diner her demeanor as she serves the coffee, the female employer and the way she runs her business, a mother and the way she loves her child, an actress and the way she carries herself. Eyes allow many observations of woman around us to be made. Yet all these things that give each younger generation of females a glimpse and ideas of what woman-hood is, are not enough to make a girl a woman. It is simply not enough to observe, and read, and even experience life. A girl as she lives her life must acknowledge her life, and the occurrences around her. This to be done by thinking on the experiences, thinking about the women encountered, thinking of the things read, and analyzing them all.

To become a woman, a girl must deliberately focus on the need to grow up, how to improve herself, and where she wants to go next. True getting older most definitely is something that “Just Happens”, however becoming a woman is NOT.

I know you stated on your website to go ahead and ask any question. But as I began to write mine I noticed I was writing too much haha, it is a very long story and I don’t want to take up too much of your time because I see how many people have already written to you and they had straight to the point stories, not taking up more than 2 paragraphs. But I just really needed someone to talk to, so I basically poured my heart out haha. Is that okay to send to you anyway or would it be better if I tried summing it up more? Whatever is convenient for you just let me know and I will shorten my big long story

Editor’s Note; I wrote back to Jennifer the following…

“Hello Jennifer,

I am in receipt of your part one question. I welcome you to please tell me everything you feel you need to say. There is no limit or guideline, short or long. The more I know, the better to help you.

I’ll welcome your reply and will answer you asap!”

Well Aunt B, here is my story. I am only 20 years old but have put myself in an awkward position and need help getting out of it. I have been dating this person for almost 5 years. We were high school sweethearts and are still together to this day. He’s a good person, my mom loves him, we have seen each other grow and even helped each other grow as well. All of our family encourages our relationship and have never once doubted anything we did as a couple. Even our friends call us the “real deal”. At one point in our relationship, around our 3rd year together (i know, i know.. we were still very young) we began to talk about marriage and having kids. Everything seemed so perfect, he was my best friend, he was always there for me. There was nothing negative I could say about him or about the relationship, even now. And to be honest, when I made these decisions with him I really believe I did it out of comfort. Because I figured nobody as perfect or more perfect than him would come along and I was afraid to find out anyway. And over the following years I believed I let go of that fear because I felt it in my heart that I was genuinely wanting this life with him. But then I started college in the fall of 2008 and I was making friends left and right. Catching up with high school friends and finding new ones. He and I had our differences and sometimes clashed. But we never argued, we would always discuss how we felt and didn’t leave anything unsaid until we found a mutual understanding. And believe me I am grateful for that because I know other couples don’t have it picture perfect. I don’t want to sound like I am complaining but , all the “perfectness” started to get under my skin. And I really tried to fight it because I did not want to feel like a brat or lose what was most valuable to me over a silly phase.

But I couldn’t help how I was feeling. The more we had these discussions the more I began to realize our differences, which seem like a lot. I realized how jealous he was, how controlling, and needy he was. He didn’t want me to dress a certain way leaving the house, he didn’t want me talking to any boys even if they were old friends, he did not like for me to attend any kind of events, parties, get togethers, or even bowling with a few friends. He would get upset if I didn’t call him to let him know where I was, when I got home, or who I was with. He did not want me having any kind of webpage like myspace, facebook, etc. He did not even want me texting anyone back while I was on the phone with him. I just began feeling suffocated. But we are the type of people to want to resolve things instead of getting mad or “getting back” at eachother. So I was patient, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt at least 80% of the time. But then we started having double standard issues.

He would hang out with his friends or family and not call me for two days. Or he would go get his hair cut and wear a nice outfit on a regular tuesday. All these things, were things that honestly did not bother me. I love when he dresses nice, I want him to socialize and what not. But it seemed like he was taking advantage of it. He understood where the double standard stood but he was too stubborn to try and fix it. I remember our first arguement was when I had to take a business trip to florida for 2 weeks. He complained about how much he missed me the entire time. When I got back I called him to let him know I had landed safely and he did not pick up. I tried again later that night, still no answer. So I left him a voicemail telling him goodnight and that I love him. The next day, no calls, no texts. The day after that he calls and was talking to me like everything was fine. I was surprised because he’s such an anal person, he usually calls my phone billions of times a day when I go on trips. But I didn’t think anything of it. The day after that, no word from him again. So now I’m thinking there’s something wrong, because he hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back, which is very rare for him to do. Then a few more days pass by, I get one call in 3 days. On the fourth day he says we need to talk. So we meet up at the park and he says he’s feeling suffocated..surprise surprise right. He said sometimes he doesn’t want to be on the phone with me all day because he wants time to hang out with his brothers and his friends. He said he doesn’t want to sit on the phone for hours after he has already seen me. And my reply was “But I’m doing all of this because you want that. You’re the one who calls me the most and you complain if I want to get off the phone or have to. You tell me to call you every time I make a move. All of this I do for you.” And somehow we began to argue, it was a really stupid arguement but we got over it, we ended up just talking it out. A couple of days passed and I call him just to say hi on my lunch break at work, we talked for a few minutes then I asked so what are your plans for the rest of the day and he said he was leaving to california. I was kinda shocked, he was just ready to take his little vacation and he had known about it for a week and didn’t say anything to me. I was not happy with the way he had been acting at all so I confronted him. And his excuse was, he thought I’d be upset if he told me earlier so he decided to put it off til the day of. So by this time I’m feeling really, really annoyed with him and I’m not sure why. But I began to raise my voice, I was really frustrated with him. I was bringing up all sorts of things, I mentioned how he still hasn’t even asked to see me since I got back from florida, how he would have chewed me up and spit me back out for making plans to go to cali without telling him, etc. And again, we argued, talked it out and went about our business.

Little things like that kept happening here and there. Then I met this guy in college, he was very very nice and his personality just attracted me to him very very much. He was everything I was attracted to, very tall, well dressed, handsome face, and nicely built. I had a little crush on him and it wasn’t for a long time until I realized that everytime I was around him I completely forgot about my boyfriend. We ended up hanging out on a regular basis. But nothing more than friends at that time. He would take me out for breakfast after our first class, then sometimes would stay after his last class waiting for me to get out of mine just so he could talk to me before we both left the campus. I was slowly drifting away from my boyfriend without really realizing it. Then one day the guy from school was walking me to my class one afternoon after we had got back from a little cafe across the street. He asked if he could get a kiss on his cheek and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. And i don’t know what made me do it but I did, I went to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and kissed me on the lips, then just walked away. I was still standing there in shock for a few seconds. And the whole time in class all I kept thinking about was him, I didn’t even once think of the bigger issue, the fact that I had a boyfriend who I am supposingly in love with but I just let another guy who I have the biggest puppy crush on, kiss me. So to make an extremely long story, a bit shorter.. I spent the night at his house one night and did something I really probably shouldn’t have. I broke all my rules with this guy. My boyfriend of 4 years had been my first and only everything and vice versa. We took eachother’s virginity and he was my first boyfriend and my first kiss. I had made a promise to myself and God that I would give my body to only one man for the rest of my life, since I had started having sex before marriage. But obviously that promise wasn’t strong enough because I had sex with the guy from college that night. But still I wasn’t thinking of the fact that I was now cheating on my boyfriend and breaking my promise to God.

That same night we had decided to start a relationship between us. And a few weeks later he told me he loved me. And I was very very cautious and skeptical at first. But I started believing it little by little, just because of his actions. He would still tell me “i love you” even though I never said it back. He didn’t stop being a gentlemen or doing the nice and thoughtful things he did even before we began dating. He was very attentive and was always trying to find ways and things to please me. And one day it just hit me that I was in love with him and not my boyfriend. But I just couldn’t let go of my boyfriend, I don’t understand why. I know I was still with him out of comfort but at the same time I was falling in love with another guy, so why was I still comfortable with him and not the college guy. So I held onto my first boyfriend and as bad as it sounds I wasn’t feeling guilty. I hate to say it but it is the truth and I can not deny it. Things were going great with this college guy. He wanted me to look my best, he wanted me to socialize with friends and was not hesistent to bring me around his guy friends. He wanted me to meet his mother and his mother instantly took a liking to me. He wanted me to attend all the family gatherings and would introduce me proudly.

There are some things about him though that are a little less than nice. He is also 20 years old, but he has a 3 year old son. He smokes weed on a weekly basis, he loves to watch porn and still keeps condoms in his car & on his nightstand even though he knows I am allergic to the lubricant in condoms. One night he left me all dressed up waiting for him to come pick me up for a dinner date. And when I asked what had happened he said he got caught up at the studio (he is a musician). But two days later I was at his house and we were taking a nap, I woke up to turn the TV off and accidently knocked our cellphones off his nightstand. So as I went to pick them up I noticed ticket stubs for the movies under his wallet, I picked one up and it said 9:10pm and the exact date of the day he stood me up. So I got curious but for some reason didn’t even confront him about it. The next week I left for a trip to florida to visit family. He was very sweet about it and told me he would call me every day. He told me to enjoy myself and behave. He gave me a very expensive bracelet and told me to wear it proudly and think of him everytime I put it on.

When I came back things were still good. Then I began to argue again with my first boyfriend. We would stop talking for weeks at a time, then get back on the phone very cold and distant. We both noticed the change, but I was still not letting him go. We had not seen eachother for about 3 months by then. This pattern continued over the next months and my birthday came around, which was the 25th of june, not too long ago. My other boyfriend wanted to spend that day with me so he tried to book a hotel for us, but he had lost his job due to a trip he had to make to california to see his son, but the company he was with told him he did not have any vacation time and that they would just have to lay him off since he was only working there for about 2 months. So he did not have a steady income and was doing little work here and there like construction and performing at night clubs. But most of his money he had to send to his son, which is totally understandable and I even encouraged it. So I decided I would book the hotel since he had already done a lot for me previous to being laid off. I booked the hotel, I bought the candles, the bubble bath, the flower petals and the whole nine. The night did not go as romantic as I had planned for it to go. He brought his ps3, his cds and his weed. I was kind of disappointed I’m not gonna lie. But the way he was looking at me and touching me, I was just melting and ignoring everything else. He asked if it was okay to smoke in front of me and I really don’t know why I said yes because I hated the fact that he smoked and certainly did not want to see him doing it. So he began preparing his stuff to smoke and asked me if I would do it with him just one time. And I said no, then he started to beg and mentioned how he drank alcohol with me at one of my family’s parties even though he didn’t drink. So I figured if he did that for me I could do this just once. And I did, and the feeling was not too pleasant. I was enjoying the mood with him but I didn’t like the effect the drug had on me. That night had its ups & downs. And he ended up falling asleep on me earlier than I had planned, which kind of ruined the rest of the night because I was wide awake and had planned all these things I wanted to do with him. We didn’t light any of the candles, the flower petals remained in their box, the sex oils were not used, the bubble bath and huge jacuzzi in the middle of our room went untouched. So there I was, high as a kite, bored, upset, hungry and irritated. Then he woke up around 3am and ordered room service, which kind of made things a little better because he knew how to order my food since I am a picky eater. He asked for a special dessert to my liking, he asked for flowers and for a small cake to be brought to our room that said happy birthday on it. And it was that kind of thing that had me back and forth with him. Because he would do something I didn’t like or something questionable but then it was like he balanced it out and did something thoughtful right behind it, so there was no room for confrontation or a window left open to argue.

A few days later my first boyfriend called and said he was sorry for not being able to spend my birthday with me because he works at a car dealership and is a salesmen and a supervisor and is always working, sometimes from bell to bell. He said he would like a chance to make it up and that he had a special gift for me. So he came to pick me up that night and he had a fish tank in the back of his car and when I looked in it, it had two baby turtles. That is one of my favorite animals and had always wanted little ones as a pet. My heart started beating faster and all of a sudden I stopped thinking of my other boyfriend. I couldn’t believe he remembered and that he would spend so much money getting it for me. He was not the gift giving type. I took the turtles inside my house and got back in his car, he took me to an old church parking lot and told me to get in the drivers seat. I didn’t know how to drive because nobody wanted to teach me and my mom was always promising to teach me but never followed through. He knew that was something I would really, really appreciate. So he taught me how to drive that night. He even let me drive all the way back to my house. Then he gave me a calendar for 2009-2010. And each month had a big picture of us back in High School. And The month of our anniversary had a picture of us standing together in the spot where we had our first kiss. I was speechless, I knew he took his time planning this and put all his money into it.

So now I am trying to re evaluate things with both of them, because I realize my errors and I know I can not take them back or fix them. But I can start doing the right thing, I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I feel strongly for them both. And I keep making the same lists of pros & cons for both. The college boyfriend has the personality, the lifestyle and the looks. My high school boyfriend has the morals, the respect, the goals and the loyalty. I’m torn between the two. When I think of my college boyfriend I think of how much fun we have together. How he makes me feel and how good of a person he is. How sweet he can be and how independent he is. How his mother tells me the significant change she has seen in him ever since we got together and how he’s is a much better person when I’m around. How he holds my hand and always wants to bring me around family and wants to always be around mine. He tells me how I’m the only person he doesn’t get tired of being around, that even his mother and closest friends annoy him after a while. He always wants to see me and is hard on himself when he can’t take me out to places or buy me things. He talks about us moving in together and how he’s never felt the way he feels for me for any other girl. But I also think of him smoking, and watching all this porn, and the condoms, his obsession with girls, his son, his goal to be rich and famous, his lack of nuturing sometimes and his attitude. He is kind of mean and when we play fight he leaves marks and bruises. One minute he’s saying I love you and holding me, then the next he’s avoiding asking me to come see him perform or texting me all day for 2 days straight instead of calling. He asks me to buy him things and says a lot of cocky things that are almost hurtful sometimes. He will play around with things but in a mean way. Like he will tell me to get a job, even though he’s jobless as well and knows how hard I am trying to find employment. He will say things like “do this or do that, stop doing this or stop doing that if not ill break up with you”. He will slap my butt with all his force when we play fight when I ask him not to, then apologizes and kisses it when he sees the welts. With him it’s like a rollercoaster, we’re always down to make up. He has even admitted to not knowing his own strength sometimes. He is 6’4 and 240lbs. I am 5’2 and 130lbs, an odd match right?

And with the high school boyfriend, I think of how long we’ve been together. How much we’ve been thru together. We have seen eachother in our worst times and have been there cheering eachother on in our glory. I think of how he has never disrespected me or ever played around like my other boyfriend does. How he doesn’t want me attracting the wrong attention for my own safety, not out of jealousy. How he doesn’t want me around the wrong crowd for the same reason. How he always puts my feelings first and will sacrifice everything he has for me. He will take the bus from one city to another just to see me for 5 minutes, which he has done before back in High School when he wasn’t driving. I think of him being my first and vice versa. I think of having a future with him and knowing he would be a great husband and father. Then I also think of the double standards. How he won’t change it no matter how many times we argue. How he will fist fight with another man for just looking at me funny. How he doesn’t want to bring me around his cousins or brothers in california. How he wants me to stay at home all day unless im with him. How he won’t allow me to interact online with friends. How he doesn’t even want me to wear a sundress to school. How he doesn’t want me doing my hair all the time because I attract attention. How he has admitted to not wanting me to stay in shape because he thinks if I gain a little weight less people will find me attractive. How he doesn’t like going out with me on dates. He doesn’t like to go to parties or clubs or even the movies because he doesn’t want me getting dressed up. How on several occasions he made me put on his big hoodie if we were around his friends so they wouldn’t notice my chest so much. How he doesn’t want me to greet his guy friends with hugs, but will greet another girl with a hug sometimes. How he gets upset if I buy tight jeans or heels and always says “its not like im gonna let you wear it anyway, so why bother buying it”. How I really am not attracted to him physically, more mentally than anything. And how we stopped really getting along like boyfriend and girlfriend slowly after our 3rd year together. It felt like a best friend, who you will argue with from time to time, but have so much history and his always be there for eachother and be a part of eachother’s lives.

I’m scared to continue letting my gaurd down with the college guy because of how fast things are going. We will have been together for just one year in october. I can’t really tell what our future holds as a couple. I truely love him and would love to grow together, I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them. I see all the good in him and see his potential. I’m just scared and sometimes I really don’t know why.

And with my first boyfriend I just don’t know how to let go. I want him to be a part of my life but not relationship wise. I think of what if I stay with him forever. I think I would just be complacent, but not fully happy. I would appreciate him and value him but I would be sticking around out of fear to venture, out of guilt and out of not giving myself enough credit to find someone perfect for me. It is just very difficult to throw away the years and the memories over confusion. I don’t want to make anymore mistakes and I want a chance to redeem myself with God because I know I have been doing wrong without even caring. And I am open to the criticism and to be called out on my faults because I know I need to hear it and I need to fix my personal problems before I can fix others.

Dear Torn:

Sounds to me like you are doing a lot of soul searching actually. People change and grow going from a teenager to a young adult. They change all the time, but this transition seems to have to most affect on a person’s attitudes on life and love.

Before I go any further, my honest advice would be to stop with the both of them all together, take some time out for yourself and try to figure out what it is you really want (and not from them) in your life, what your goals are, and what you think you deserve. These are things that you should be thinking about before entering into another (or current) long term relationship, or you are not being fair to yourself or to the other participant.

I would like to encourage you to reread this letter that you wrote, but skip to the last four paragraphs. I want you to read them, your pro and con list, and tell me (or better yet, yourself) why you are with either of these guys. Read the paragraphs two or three times if needed. You are making a pro and con list of the two guys… well what about the pros and cons themselves, and how they affect YOU.

As for the weighing options… well, there really isn’t much to weigh. You have out grown your first boyfriend and his choices. You want to remain friends, but don’t know what to do or say to ensure you don’t lose him. Here’s the thing – that’s not up to you. You should break it off with him (because you know it’s the right thing to do) by telling him that you two have grown apart, but you still love and cherish your friendship. You can tell him that you would hate to be on the outs with him and would like to remain friends, and see where it goes. Honestly, if you have the time for the other guy… I suspect he has another girl and is doing the same thing as you. Regardless, once you break it off and extend the branch, it’s up to him on whether he wants it or not. I would not bring up that you have been messing about with some other bloke for the past year, etc. That would just hurt him, to clear your conscious. Which isn’t fair.

With the second guy… it sounds as though you are being played big time. The guy is used to getting out of “girl jams” by being kind and cute. But laying condoms out and about when you aren’t using them… don’t you think he might be using them with someone else? Does he know about your boyfriend, and is he okay with it? And the “slight playing” where he leaves welts is totally not cool. Nor is it cool that he puts you down, in the manor of a joke (like the unemployment thing) and you aren’t seeing it because it isn’t blatant. Okay, you said something that I really really really want you to understand. You said : “I want to believe that everyone can change it just takes the right person to bring it out of them”. I really want to point this out to you, because it is a flaw a lot of people make through their entire life. I am telling you, with absolute certainty, that this is wrong. Only the person who wants to change, will change. And they will do it his/her self, for themselves. A person cannot (and will not) change just for another person without regret, judgement and feeling resentful. If you think you can change a person, I am sorry but you are going to get hurt.

Right now you are basing you attraction to boy #2 on sexual desire for a physic, and that can be dangerous. You are overlooking all the things that make you not like him at all, in favour for the things you *do* like, that you didn’t get with boy #1.

The point of being with a partner is not to change them. It is to understand and love them because of their similarities, AND their differences to you. The things that last for couples tend to be on a totally moral and value scale, not on looks. And being in your twenties is a time of discovery and helps to form and solidify your beliefs and values. I am not going to go into the whole god aspect, because I think you should figure all that stuff for yourself. But you don’t have to be constantly worried about being sent to hell, because you are trying to figure things out. If you want to do well by your god, and his word… then do so. Make it a point to be honest, starting with yourself. Make it a point to let go, and to be fair. Doing these things takes courage, and it will create unfamiliar territory (being single) but in the long run YOU will benefit from learning about yourself, and what you need from life.

I hope you find the clarity you require to find yourself through all of this.

~Xmichra

Bloom Where You’re Planted.

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email…

Dear Aunt Babz,

When I was seventeen my life was perfect. I was doing well in school, I had a great boyfriend who I loved completely, and my two best friends (lets call them R & R) were the best anyone could ask for. I loved everything about my life, I was happy with all aspects of it and was excited about my upcoming college years. When I turned 18, after I had graduated, my parents suddenly hated my boyfriend and forced me to break up with him. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do because I loved him so much. Later they told me that their behavior was caused by difficult times in their own marriage but I can’t say that I have ever fully forgiven them for what they did.

Anyway, about three years after the break up my ex boyfriend and I reconnected, he was living in a different city but we picked up quite literally from where we left off three years prior. I even went to visit him once. Flash forward two years after that both my best friends ( R & R) stopped talking to me for different, and equally trivial reasons. They were my whole world, I spoke and saw them both everyday, I had put them above my own family because they had never let me down like my own family had. Needless to say I was quite depressed for a while, longer then I can believe, years. So about a year ago my ex tells me that he joined the Navy, something which I can’t exactly say I agree with but, who am I to tell him its a dumb move? So he leaves, like everyone.

I am now twenty four and work full time, I take classes at night also. My life seems so meaningless and empty, I have friends, but they are not like the ones I had before. My ex and I are still good friends, but I can’t seem to date anyone else seriously. I don’t want him back, we have both changed as people and I really like the friendship that we both have now. I just long so much to have a perfect life that I once had. When will things get better? Its been seven years and I can still feel the hollow in my heart. I fill my days up with activity after activity so I don’t have time to think, but no matter how busy I make myself it always comes back. I can’t really talk to my ex about it because I don’t think he will understand. What do you think?
Dear Friend,

Happiness is a state of mind, ya know? As we grow older, the one thing we will always see is that change is an absolute certainty. Friends change, lovers come and go and even family can and will change and evolve. Change is absolute. You will never recapture, things as they were. So, what can you do with what’s left?

Going from young girl to woman, is never easy. Going from having certain friends you can count on, to suddenly not having them, well, it can and could bother the best. But the past is just that; The Past. Let it go.

In some ways, I feel like you’re stuck in the past and equate happier times, associate your happiness, with a loss of friends and for the way things were. One thing you will learn is that you can never turn back the hands of time. No, you must learn to move forward. In some ways, I feel you are still in mourning for your, “Youth,” and those happier days. You equate your lost friendships and relationship with your ex boyfriend as the center entity of your happiness. You’ve really got to let that go, understand that things are not the same and never will be. The minute you realize that you might be holding on to old days, the sooner you will begin to heal and find happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind. Remember this.

You have every reason in the world, to feel as you do. But you will remain stuck until you can let go of the past, move forward and make a conscience effort to be happy, right where you are, in your life. I’ve seen people with doing Life, in prison and somehow, they manage to go on and would be perceived as happy. It is all a state of mind. So, what can you do?

Make that effort, to get out, go places and stop feeling lost because it’s not with your old friends or relationships. Once you’ve let go of what you can not change and realize that things never remain the same, you’ll move forward. Friends come and they go, as well, so do lovers. People evolve and you grow apart and this cycle will continue. What I mean is that the friends you make tomorrow, may not be there in even a year. It’s the nature of life, as it is even with relationships. You could be so much in love today but then suddenly, realize that that guy is nothing but a jerk, you have nothing or little in common and you must move on.

Expect change, embrace diversity and keep moving. It’s not easy but you must make an attempt to bloom where you’re planted. Tomorrow, you may be uprooted but having that knowledge and making an attempt at happiness, is all and everything, that life is about.

I think the hardest thing to swallow, is the actuality, that we are, in and of itself; Alone. Only you can make you happy. If you never count on others to bring forth happiness, you can not be disappointed. No, you must be happy within yourself and once you figure this out, you will bloom.

Get up tomorrow, realize it’s a new day, a new you, cultivate yourself and begin to bloom.

Xmichra Said…

I agree with Babs, you have to seize your life for what it can be, not what it was.

Life throws a lot of curve balls at us, and we need to be able to be happy with who we are in order to keep our lives moving. We need to gather our strength and our soul in times like this… and realize that our lives are worth so much to so many… even if it isn’t obvious at the time.

You sound like a bright young woman who has a lot in front of her. Keep going, and keep strong. Your good days are all ahead of you.

Posted by Ask Aunt B at 7:44 AM    

Labels: Cultivate Yourself, Empowerment, Empowerment Practices, Girl to Woman, How To’s

Dear Aunt Babz,

When I was seventeen my life was perfect. I was doing well in school, I had a great boyfriend who I loved completely, and my two best friends (lets call them R & R) were the best anyone could ask for. I loved everything about my life, I was happy with all aspects of it and was excited about my upcoming college years. When I turned 18, after I had graduated, my parents suddenly hated my boyfriend and forced me to break up with him. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do because I loved him so much. Later they told me that their behavior was caused by difficult times in their own marriage but I can’t say that I have ever fully forgiven them for what they did.

Anyway, about three years after the break up my ex boyfriend and I reconnected, he was living in a different city but we picked up quite literally from where we left off three years prior. I even went to visit him once. Flash forward two years after that both my best friends ( R & R) stopped talking to me for different, and equally trivial reasons. They were my whole world, I spoke and saw them both everyday, I had put them above my own family because they had never let me down like my own family had. Needless to say I was quite depressed for a while, longer then I can believe, years. So about a year ago my ex tells me that he joined the Navy, something which I can’t exactly say I agree with but, who am I to tell him its a dumb move? So he leaves, like everyone.

I am now twenty four and work full time, I take classes at night also. My life seems so meaningless and empty, I have friends, but they are not like the ones I had before. My ex and I are still good friends, but I can’t seem to date anyone else seriously. I don’t want him back, we have both changed as people and I really like the friendship that we both have now. I just long so much to have a perfect life that I once had. When will things get better? Its been seven years and I can still feel the hollow in my heart. I fill my days up with activity after activity so I don’t have time to think, but no matter how busy I make myself it always comes back. I can’t really talk to my ex about it because I don’t think he will understand. What do you think?
Dear Friend,

Happiness is a state of mind, ya know? As we grow older, the one thing we will always see is that change is an absolute certainty. Friends change, lovers come and go and even family can and will change and evolve. Change is absolute. You will never recapture, things as they were. So, what can you do with what’s left?

Going from young girl to woman, is never easy. Going from having certain friends you can count on, to suddenly not having them, well, it can and could bother the best. But the past is just that; The Past. Let it go.

In some ways, I feel like you’re stuck in the past and equate happier times, associate your happiness, with a loss of friends and for the way things were. One thing you will learn is that you can never turn back the hands of time. No, you must learn to move forward. In some ways, I feel you are still in mourning for your, “Youth,” and those happier days. You equate your lost friendships and relationship with your ex boyfriend as the center entity of your happiness. You’ve really got to let that go, understand that things are not the same and never will be. The minute you realize that you might be holding on to old days, the sooner you will begin to heal and find happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind. Remember this.

You have every reason in the world, to feel as you do. But you will remain stuck until you can let go of the past, move forward and make a conscience effort to be happy, right where you are, in your life. I’ve seen people with doing Life, in prison and somehow, they manage to go on and would be perceived as happy. It is all a state of mind. So, what can you do?

Make that effort, to get out, go places and stop feeling lost because it’s not with your old friends or relationships. Once you’ve let go of what you can not change and realize that things never remain the same, you’ll move forward. Friends come and they go, as well, so do lovers. People evolve and you grow apart and this cycle will continue. What I mean is that the friends you make tomorrow, may not be there in even a year. It’s the nature of life, as it is even with relationships. You could be so much in love today but then suddenly, realize that that guy is nothing but a jerk, you have nothing or little in common and you must move on.

Expect change, embrace diversity and keep moving. It’s not easy but you must make an attempt to bloom where you’re planted. Tomorrow, you may be uprooted but having that knowledge and making an attempt at happiness, is all and everything, that life is about.

I think the hardest thing to swallow, is the actuality, that we are, in and of itself; Alone. Only you can make you happy. If you never count on others to bring forth happiness, you can not be disappointed. No, you must be happy within yourself and once you figure this out, you will bloom.

Get up tomorrow, realize it’s a new day, a new you, cultivate yourself and begin to bloom.

Xmichra Said…

I agree with Babs, you have to seize your life for what it can be, not what it was.

Life throws a lot of curve balls at us, and we need to be able to be happy with who we are in order to keep our lives moving. We need to gather our strength and our soul in times like this… and realize that our lives are worth so much to so many… even if it isn’t obvious at the time.

You sound like a bright young woman who has a lot in front of her. Keep going, and keep strong. Your good days are all ahead of you.