There’s light at the end of the tunnel, though.

The days are already starting to get a bit longer.

And word has it that down in Florida, guys like Wayne Keller are already breaking out their lawnmowers.

That means spring can’t be far behind.

I’ve been writing about such numbing, serious stuff here on my blog while I spend most of my time on my Facebook page telling funny stories or outlining my quirky, eccentric views on a wide range of issues.  And it struck me that y’all might enjoy hearing about my lighter, stranger side. Well, I think my deep, dark muse is pretty freakin’ strange too, but you’re following my drift right?  Here is where it all started last night . . .

Tonight’s theme is stupid things I have done while sober.

1. I left the plastic wrap on the chicken when I put it in the oven. Yum. Sizzle.

2. I told my aunt that my mom said my aunt’s face “looked old and wrinkly” (um, I was only 9 when I engaged in this brilliant conversation).

3. I smoked weed while on school property in high school. I was sober when I thought this was a good idea; not so sober when I learned otherwise.

4. I left college after one month to pursue my starving writer’s dream (and because Walden 2 sucked and I didn’t want to write a damn paper about it).

5. Five years later, I went to law school at William and Mary and pursued a career for which I was temperamentally ill-suited (or so the partners at the Firm would later say).

6. This summer, I ignored the water bill for three months and our water got shut off (oops).

7. I ran 8 marathons last year (trust me, stupid).

8. I forget to put my parking brake on and my little Subaru rolled down a hill and slammed (splat) into my parents’ cherry tree (smirk).

9. When I was 16, I threw a party at my parent’s house while they were out-of-town and Xeroxed directions to the party; then, I handed out directions to all the upper classmates. Do you remember Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? I channeled him that weekend.

10. I gave birth to three children in 2 and a half years.

11. One time, the guys and I snuck out after midnight, took my father’s car for a joyride, and then we couldn’t get the damn key out of the ignition. Now *that* was the most sleepless night I ever had. I did manage to wake up before my dad the next morning. I pretended I was going out for an early morning run, found the ignition release button on his gray Toyota Scarlet and got those keys out of the ignition JUST in time!

12. And finally, one time, when I was in 8th grade, I came home to our new house and I was locked out. It was pouring and none of the neighbors were home, and my parents wouldn’t be home for hours . . . so I took a rock and threw it through the window. This set off the damn alarm. It felt strangely liberating, until the cops showed up, and then I had to weave this long tale about how the window was already broken when I got home from school. This is one of the many stupid, naughty things Little El did. Anyone have any stories? I am already smirking.

That was part of the problem. I liked him a lot and I knew it the moment our eyes’ met over the empty food table and especially when we first started talking. He made me laugh, I made him laugh, and that first night I was trying to push him away especially since I knew I liked him. If he didn’t come the second night to the same place, which I knew he was going to be there, then we probably wouldn’t be together. I would have gotten my wish to never be in a relationship again and to be by myself for the rest of my life.

I thought he was a player, and he laughs at this to this day because he’s only dated a few people. He was just so out-going, so much the life of the party, and I thought he was just playing the field and I was part of it.

He bought me my first drink ever from a guy, which he still laughs at to this day.

I was planning to never be in another relationship before him, and certainly planning even more never to get married. I fought the idea of getting married when we were together, because I was afraid we’d end up like my parents, and I’d end up like my mom with her second marriage to my father. I was afraid I wouldn’t be loving, and couldn’t express love like he does through so much affection, hugs, and saying “I love you” all the time. I’ve slowly picked up on his affection but I still tend to clam up around my family because they are so against any form of it and we don’t even give each other hugs … ever.

One of the things I love the most about him is that when we do get in disagreements we talk it with each other. And then, after we’re done, he forgets about it, and I do the same. I’m so used to always holding onto things later to defend myself that it’s nice to let it go. For us to forgive, forget, move on and it’s still something I’m getting used to.

And, he got me two gifts from Valentine’s Day, and he made me dinner too. I was planning on writing in a card and giving him it but the night before I slept about 10 hours or so, I’ve just been so exhausted. I need to do it today though because I feel like a really bad fiancée and I haven’t been much company lately. I feel like I should make every moment count because soon enough we won’t have these moments any more, for at least 2 months, but working every day this week hasn’t helped at all with this plan.

hat I feel like going to the Doctor...

So, you’d think I’d have something sexy to write about with the title but I fooled you. It’s time for my yearly exam and I am all psyched out and have been starving myself watching what I eat the past few days so when I step on that scale it doesn’t sound a horn and tell me I’m fat. I have the Wii fit to do that and which is why I don’t exercise on or step foot on the little white stand anymore. It would blow up my skinny Mii into an overweight Mii with my shirt barely fitting and no breasts. This happened every time I weighed myself and I’d always want to throw that damn thing out the window with a wild scream.

But, I held back from this and eventually stopped stepping on the Wii fit stand because it was giving me a huge complex. I’d be .01 pounds heavier, not even an actual pound, and it’d yell at me for gaining .01 pounds and how I failed my goal.

I’d get so depressed about failing my goal, having horns and whistles go off like, “Here piggy, piggy, piggy!” that I haven’t stepped on a scale for a while. It doesn’t help that our normal scale is broken and the Wii fit one is the only one working.

It also doesn’t help when you go to your Doctor’s exam, and you have to be weighed, that you can’t strip down to just your undies for being weighed and it’s winter time so you have more layers on. I make sure to take off my shoes though and every other piece of clothing I can without being called indecent for doing it.

I’ve also stupidly decided I don’t work enough as it is and I’ve picked up every single day this week because I have training on top of my normal work schedule. Surprisingly, I actually do love training and have already sent my outline for training our new therapist to one of our managers because I’m a geek, OCD, and also think very analytically. I’m modifying my training schedule from the first one they gave me to do officially plus I have two more days of training so I’m taking this into account with the teaching outline. It’s one of the things I’m so happy about having an opportunity to do at my job and they’ve finally given me responsibility for all of the training.

Of course, I’ll only be able to do this for as long as I keep my job, which will be until late April hopefully, and I’m definitely going all gung ho into training. This week is just so busy that I can’t even plan or get my things together for the move I’m going to have to make at the end of February. I just want to be done with the Doctor’s visit, know my weight and prepare myself not to freak out.

Yes my friends….fenders.

Turns out GHP racer Todd Parry is running a carbon fiber (?!) fender on his race cruiser to avoid “being sucked in between the tire and the seat”.

And while the different sanctioning bodies tend to frown on these kind of things, it appears that track operators are letting the use of fenders slide.

Seems a little goofy to me.

What do you guys think?

So Mark is special in many ways. I could go on and on about him, but one of the things that tickles me to tears is that he has a unique way with words. Here are a few of my favorites so far.

Mark: I rule with a baloney baton.

Me: How about a salami slammer.

Mark: Or a kielbasa bat.

~

We work for the same company, but in slightly different capacities. While he goes into the office, I work remotely from my home. Usually on my lunch hour, I shoot him an email letting him know that I’m going to shower and eat.

“Please take a shower, we can smell you from here. The EEs are saying it’s the sewage backup but I said it is a downwind nor’easter from the land of Laurenitus!!!!!! Thank You for reducing you carbon and methane gas footprint on the this earth. From your dearest brother!”

~

I’m not a morning person at all. And I start a little later than most of the people in my family do. So, I get this from Mark in an email entitled: Well, Well – “A well is what Jack and Jill fell down!!! Haha dumb klutz. Goodmorning, miss groganitus!”

~

Lastly, I asked him a question, and he responded in a very vague way. Then, he said, “Don’t read into that you vulture of vocabulary miscues!”

Also, I would like to make myself available for any questions you may want to ask. Whatever they are, I will answer them to the best of my ability – whether publicly or privately. Go ahead, ask me.

The gal I was talking to is a friend of mine and we’ve known each other for 3 years. She started planning and thinking about throwing me a party. See, I wasn’t expecting anyone to do anything for me. My mom was maybe hoping to throw a party for me and my people at work before I had to decide that I would leave after I got married. She wanted to hold like a reception for them and since I’d be gone, the plan was nixed.

But, my friend got super excited and she got that glimmer in her eye. I know the look, it’s the ‘okay, I’ve got an idea and you are going with it!’ kind of twinkle in her eye. She talked about a penis cake and a sex toy party and suddenly … I have a Bachelorette party.

And then, of course, knowing me I feel guilty. I say I don’t want to be a bother and that she doesn’t have to. She talks to one of the hair stylists I’m friends with who has her own house and suddenly the party is at her place. They tell me after I try to go through why they maybe wouldn’t want to throw me a party that ‘This party isn’t for you … it’s for me!’  Which cracks me up and they say it gives them an excuse to have a party and why wouldn’t they throw it for me? They talk the time to talk about stuff when I’m busy with clients so I’ll leave it up to them. I gave them a possible date if they wanted to do it so if they go for it and plan everything out. It’d be a free-for-all anyone can come to it which is nice because I do love and enjoy everyone I work with.

To varying degrees and depending on the day may affect the love, but overall there isn’t one person who I walk in and go “Oh, no, it’s a day I have to work with you.” I get along with the front desk girls, hair stylists, nail techs, and of course my little estheticians with me in the Spa.If my friends at work want to hold the party for me and want to do it I’ll welcome it. They didn’t have to, but it’ll be nice to have a last hurrah. It’s just not so great that I’ll have to leave soon afterward.

When you’re using a tool from Park you know you can rely on it.

I like using them because it appeals to the bike geek in me to be using the same tools that bike mechanics use.

That’s why I was so stoked to get the Park Tool PZT-2…their Pizza Tool!…for Christmas from my good friend Lynn.

Featuring a large diameter stainless steel cutting wheel and a large handle for easy grip, this thing cuts through pizza like nobody’s business!

I tried it recently on a Delissio Hawaiian Pizza and it worked like a charm. If you’re into bikes and you like pizza, I highly recommend the Park Pizza Tool.

So, here’s my Kind of, Not really Resolutions:

             1. I’m going to need to get another license and reapply for it. This is a new year resolution that has to be done. In this same category is looking for another job in the place we move that I’m happy with. I make the resolution to not settle for just any kind of Salon/Spa and hopefully find someplace with as great as people I have to work with now and that I can be passionate about.

2. Keep my head above water. There are going to be times I’m sure I will be sad, and miss my family, and feel absolutely crazy without money coming in and so much more, but I must be strong and keep myself afloat. I’m going to try to look at the positives and not lose it. This will definitely be the time I can learn more about who I am and how tough I can be in the next few months.

   3. Be a good wife/partner. I’m guessing I’m not perfect and I know that while I love the man, he isn’t perfect either. I will try to show how much I love him especially when we get separated from each other those couple of months when he moves down first. Also, I’m going to try to not get super stressed about everything we need to do for the wedding before and after he leaves.

4. Take care of myself more and make more ‘me’ time. My job is very physical, and exhausting emotionally, physically, and mentally sometimes depending on the clients. I’ve been trying to take more baths to relax my muscles but I also need to stretch, breathe through my massages, and ice myself after work if I’m in pain. I also need to get at least one massage a month which will be a lot tougher when I leave my work.

I’ll put the crap load of tea I bought just recently in the take care of myself area for ‘self-care.’
5. Make time for more of the hobbies I love to do. I love to draw, paint, write, make my own handmade cards, and necklaces. I can be a very creative person. It’s just hard to do these things I love when I’m tired, exhausted, and mainly just want to eat and sleep as much as I can to re-cooperate for work again. This is a positive for the whole moving down there and not having a job thing, I can actually have the time do some of the things I love.  And, maybe be able to volunteer for things like I used to when I was a kid.

Like volunteering at a butterfly garden, working with animals, or even doing volunteer work with kids.

6. Be kind of, sort of … social. With moving down to someplace I’ve never been before, thousands of miles away from my family and work friends, I’m going to have to throw myself in the shark tank and try to do some social things. This is part of the idea of volunteering for stuff I’m interested in that I will meet with cool people who also might like something I like. Or, maybe I will find some dance clubs because I absolutely love to get my groove on.

7. Try to keep in contact with my few friends up here. I know how long distance relationships don’t work because almost every relationship I’ve been in has been long distance and it’s tough. It’s even tougher with friends, and I’m hoping to at least stay in contact. By ‘staying in contact’ I mean sending texts back and forth checking up on how things are.

I’ll try to see if I can do these few things for my Kind of, Not really New Years Resolutions.

So before we ring in the new year, let’s check out the top ten things that went down in 2011.

10. Sunday and S&M kicked off the year by introducing two of the most of the popular frames out there right now: the Sunday Wave-C and S&M 24″ Dirt Bike.

9. This was quickly followed by news that a lot of people had been waiting for: 24″ forks with front brake mounts. S&M was first to market with their 24 “Pitchforks with 990 mounts which was quickly followed by Sunday’s 24″ forks with 990 mounts (although they were testing prototypes much earlier).

8. Some great 24″ flatland vids surfaced almost immediately after from Joe Cicman and Danny Sirkin. (Could this be related somehow to #9?) Heck, even flatland legend Bobby Fisher surfaced a few months later riding flatland on a Sunday Model-C.

7. Low-rise traditional handlebars for cruisers dying off.  The tall handlebar trend is firmly established in the freestyle end of 24″ bmx but it looks like it starting to take hold in racing too. MattyJo Shelley (of BMXActionOnline) tried it out on his race bike in a special guest post and he found taller bars had advantages for racing too.

6. “Older” guys  continued to make their presence felt in BMX on their 24″ bikes.  From the older cruiser classes in racing to a skatepark rider proving that age is just a number it’s great to see that there is no age cut-off for having fun!

5. DK introduced a line of bikes in Wal-Mart, including a 24″ version of the General Lee. Is this good or bad for BMX? The jury is still out.

4.  Mongoose, Stolen and InDust introduced new 24s to the scene. Great to see companies responding to the demand for bigger wheeled BMXs.

3. Cruiser Revolution celebrated its 3-year anniversary this year. A great milestone and a testament to the great cruiser community that is continuing to grow.

2.  The 4130 rides. I was lucky enough to participate in the 4130 Sin Series ride in Las Vegas back in September and it was one of the best times I have ever had on my bike.  Bombing the streets with a couple hundred of your fellow BMXers is something everyone has to do at least once.

1. Having a good time on your bike. Sure, it’s fun to debate the pros and cons of how tall your handlebars are, talk about the latest parts and comment on the latest video edit but when it comes right down to it, when you’re out there riding none of that really matters. Whether its with your bros, your kids or just by yourself, you can leave your worries behind and let the good times roll as soon as you step on those pedals.

Happy New Year!

I’ve been crazy lately because of the invaders and for the fact that this is the second time this has happened and I have mainly fought the battle against the fruit insects alone. I came home after a long shift at work, I was tired, barely had a lunch, and noticed the horrific smell in our kitchen was still not gone. I had taken out pizza boxes, and started my ritual of running the sink water to try to flush the stank out.

Oh, then there scurried the tiny little flea looking things and I saw them run to the box of onions and stuff. There were so many of them I went into panic mode. With the water boiling hot I sprayed the counter over and over again until everything was soaked in that corner and the invaders were drowned. Yet, I didn’t get them all and there have been stragglers who have survived that every time I see them I just go crazy. My family never has fresh produce so I’ve never dealt with this before, and he can never see them or kill the bugs so I mainly battle them by myself.

The stank in the kitchen is much better since obviously the produce was rotting and I told him to keep an eye on stuff like that. He told me we were only going to be living here, at our apartment, for only another 2 months. I don’t think he got the point.

For many of us this means having a beer or two with some good friends.

But what happens when you reach for a cold one and realize that you can’t find the bottle opener? (And you’re drinking the good stuff without the twist-off caps..)

What are you going to do?

Paul Hoerdt shows us the way.

(Warning: audio NSFW)

Happy holidays everyone!

Take Monday night: My two friends Steven and Jacquelyn and I were sitting around trying to figure out what to do.

“We should do something stupid and awesome,” I said.

We thought about this for a while, and then Steven suggested, “We could make a fort.”

“Out of what?”

A fiendish grin of glee crossed his face. “Couches.”

Jacquelyn, or Jack-Jack, came up with the primary fort construction: stacking the long couches Tetris-style:

With half of the couches looming over us like the Sofa of Damocles.

Then we brought chairs to either end of the couch tunnel, to support the walls and provide more defensive ramparts. Lastly, we covered the holes in the roof and walls with cushions and bunkered down for a siege.

And we did not have long to wait. After a few minutes, Nathaniel, another of my friends, discovered our marvel of upholstery architecture.

Upon hearing his cry of delight, Steven pushed aside two of the roof cushions and poked his head through the gap.

It looked like this, except this is Jack-Jack, not Steven.

Nathaniel took this as an invitation to play human Whack-A-Mole, grabbing a cardboard tube that was lying nearby and bopping Steven on the noggin. This led to a protracted battle for dominion until finally, Steven managed to wrest the weapon from Nathaniel’s grasp. He then managed to repurpose the mole-whacker as a makeshift combination cannon and periscope, with which we could better safeguard our stronghold.

Some time later in the evening, we received a visit from a a foreign dignitary who requested ambassadorial access to our cushiony castle. There was some confusion surrounding the dignitary’s name–President Raegan–but after a brief dispute at customs (during which Jack-Jack was accidentally bonked on the head by the cannon/periscope), she was welcomed to Casa Diván.

Eventually, it was time to dismantle the Ottoman Empire (Sorry…you had to know that was coming eventually.), but not before engaging in an epic pillow fight with the remnants of our disassembled fortress.

*     *     *

All of this is to say:

Be ridiculous, and live without fear.

Merry Christmas from the couch fort.

Now to add another log to the Helltrack fire, NYC dance group Holy Ghost is featuring a new interpretation of the infamous “bicycle boogie” scene in their video, “I wanted to tell her” (a remake of the Ministry song of the same name).

Check it out.

There was this escalator that seemed to be the start of it and this girl who kept walking around and all that. Everyone just stood by the railing and stared, and I went to it several times and didn’t see anything of interest either.

There was lights, cameras, but no action.

Then, it happened. Music came on so loud that everyone kind of stopped, and those in stores ran out. Lip synching happened with the music and suddenly people were emerging from all over the place. There were people dancing and just singing and I couldn’t find a way to get out of their way. I kind of did a circle in one spot and then glued myself to the mall wall.

I was rather scared of all the dancing, singing, frolicking people.

I thought I might be trampled by them. The normal folks around me stood there just as aloof as I was. There were cameras chasing after the hoards of people who were lip synching to the Christmas song and I just didn’t want to be in it. It finished with a grand finale of the huge group of people singing choir style. One lady made eye contact with me with a what the hell is going on?? look on our faces as she exclaimed, “I’m just trying to find a way to get out of here!”

So, if you ever had something on your bucket list like being in a flash mob I just inadvertently accomplished that for you.

My fiancée is all about the tree. Not the crappy attempt at wrapped presents that I made underneath the tree, not even the ornaments which are pretty and all ‘fancy ornaments’, the ones he likes. No, he likes the Vegas showgirl lights on the tree.

And that he can read his book from the lights on the tree.

While, you know, me, I’d just like the tree to have a few sets but otherwise not go too crazy on it. We were part way into the whole lights thing, and I didn’t even know this, so he asked me how the tree looked. I said, well, dear, I think that it has more than enough lights. To which he gave me a shocked, horrified expression, as if I stepped on a puppy Santa had given me himself, and told me, ”We are putting more lights up, I just wanted to know where on the tree it was still dark where it needed to be covered.”

Never mess with a man who is obsessed with lights, we put on like three more strings after that.

It feels nice to have the tree up, and I’m personally more impressed with the spread of presents I have underneath it. There is stuff for my brother (of course, I am like Santa Claus with how much I get him), stuff for my fiancée, and stuff for my co-workers. I know what you may be thinking… Presents for your co-workers? I can’t stand working with the people I work with! I mean, I’m barely able to stand them at work and I try my best to ignore them but they are like the worst! Well, I do love my co-workers quite a bit, especially my little estheticians who spend the most time with me back in the Spa, crack me up, and are part of the reason I have so much fun back there.

Getting gifts for my co-workers is one of my most favorite parts about Christmas. I can be totally creative with them, I can get them whatever I want, yet I know their tastes and what they do/don’t like, and I don’t have to call them up to make sure. My family can be so difficult with what I get them, and my brother is a party pooper with most of his gifts being gift cards.

Even if this year will be the last Christmas with my girls from work because the man’s job will move, I’ve decided this doesn’t mean I can’t spoil them. If I have to move, which it’s looking a lot like I will, I’m going to do everything I want to do for them with no regrets. My spa girls mean a lot to me, they’ve been a sounding board the few times I feel like talking about my life, and they’ve been my help when I’ve been behind. I’ve even gotten gifts for a hair stylist I enjoy talking to, and a nail technician I’ve known since I’ve started working at my work. All of them I’d call my friends, so as a friend of Sarah’s, they get to be spoiled by me.

Knobby tires.

Padsets.

The Jofa mouth guard.

But you know what else BMX has lost?  The BMX moustache.

That’s right. There was a time when race bikes were chromoly and BMX racers rocked ‘staches.

Back in the day, the legend Perry “PK Ripper” Kramer, intimidated his competition and broke the hearts the hearts of trophy girls everywhere with his moustachioed swagger.

Later, Hollywood Mike Miranda would bring his All-American moustache to the silver screen with memorable scenes in the movie Rad (“Hollywood Mike Miranda makes his second dramatic exit of the day”)

Thankfully, the Movember fundraiser is in full swing and guys everywhere are growing  moustaches to raise awareness and funds for men’s health.  I’ve joined the cause and I’m donating my upper lip to the cause for the 30 days.

My moustache has already caused a few sideways glances at work, and some outright laughter when I’ve gone riding at the trails but it’s all for a good cause, to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer. Which as many of you know, affected one of the icons of our sport, Stu Thomsen, in recent years.

If you’d like to support me in raising funds for this great cause (and bring a little moustachioed swagger back to BMX) you can donate to my campaign via this link:  http://mobro.co/EdVandermolen.

Any support would be greatly appreciated.  (Be sure to check out the Ron Burgundy and Tom Selleck tomfoolery on my Movember page as well.)

Cruiser Revolution hit the three-year mark this month.

Three great years of talking 24″ BMX.

Whether it’s sharing stories of guys getting back into BMX on a 24inch bike, checking out the latest bikes and parts, finding out what other riders are doing or just the random goofiness that pops up here from time to time…it’s great to be on this ride with you.

They say that time flies when you’re having fun and I guess it’s true in this case.

Thanks to everyone for their support.

I really appreciate all the great comments, discussion and general awesomeness from all the great people I’ve gotten to know through this blog.

Cheers to you.

Can’t wait to see what’s in store for the year ahead.

“So, how was the lovemaking that night you got married?” 

“What?”

“You know, the lovemaking. Did you make him dress up or anything like that?” 

“You sound like my mom…”

“I’d make him dress up for me. And then make him dance the first night we are married.”

This was a conversation between two of my co-workers which had me cracking up. The girl in question got married recently so the other girl was asking how things went down and how steamy it got in the bedroom. She refused to answer the question, and so I just sat there, laughing, eating my lunch as the one girl kept going on and on about what she’d make her then husband do that night.

Mainly playing a bit of dress up and role-playing. And probably quite a bit of humiliation, or so it sounded.