Children, I’ve frequently accused myself of making very, very bad decisions.  Last week, I drunkenly picked only players from the St. Louis Rams and the Detroit Lions for my fantasy football team.  On the same night, I accidentally picked both team’s backup quarterbacks, being as I had no idea what either team’s depth chart looked like.  To do this, I had to get rid of Drew Brees and Payton Manning, both of whom I had locked in at a very reasonable price.  All in all, this was a night of really bad choices.

The truth about life is that it’s so easy and masochistically gratifying to dwell on my gaffs that I never really take the time to sit back and bask in the good decisions I have made in my life.  I think it’s time to do just that, right now.  As Puff Daddy might say, “come with me” on a journey (cue guitar lick).

In the summer of 2007, I was contacted by an upstart blog called “College On The Record (OTR).”  They wanted me to be an “editor” of what they described as “a University of Missouri themed comedy blog.”  They said that they were going to pay me $1000 for a semester (or a year, this point was always a little unclear).  I was skeptical, but very interested in money, and the potential pussy this might net me.

Once I agreed to join up, they pulled a massive 180 on me.  They renamed my position “contributer.”  The talk of pay got even more vague than it already was.  They started suggesting that I write stuff about “popular people on campus,” as if there was such a thing, and even if there were, I would know who the fuck they were.  Since I wrote under a pseudonym, I decided I would try to present myself as the king of campus, but got bored with the charade after one post.

To cut this story short, I quickly quit, realizing that this blog was going in a dicey direction.  And this decision, looking back more than two years later, may be one of the best I’ve ever made.

Perhaps it was because I was wistful; perhaps I was looking for validation.  Whatever the reason, I decided to visit the old blog the other day, and what I found made me feel wiser than Wavy Gravy after he kicked a young Charles Manson off the Hog Farm.

Apparently, OTR has rebranded themselves as “Your Online Frathouse!”  OTR is now “Omega Tau Rho,” which, as a student of Greek, offends me.  Anyone who’s studied Greek knows that omega is really more comparable to a “w,” whereas omicron is a better fit as an “o.”  That’s always troubled me; omicron is probably the most badass sounding Greek letter, yet so few frats or sororities ever embrace the letter.  I recommend they give that some thought.

But anyway, the blog has basically just become pictures of “hot chicks,” pictures of “cool people” “partying,” and a humor section that is basically just a repository of reposted Steven Colbert videos.  In the interest of fairness, I will concede that a lot of the chicks in their pictures are fairly hot, but then again, I don’t need an online frathouse for that; porno does exist.

They still boast being active on a number of campuses, but the Missouri site is conspicuous in its absence.  Also conspicuous in their absence are posts.  I’m one to talk, what with my very unimpressive last few months, but with all the people they’ve supposedly got working for them, they’ve only posted 4 times since March.  And two of those posts are just pictures of “hot chicks,” one of the posts racking up 43 comments, a feat I thought amazing until I looked closer and learned that 42 of them were spam ads for Uggs and free cigarettes.

What I’m trying to say is that College OTR is more of a ghost town than Myspace.

It’s good to know that though I may make frequent poor choices that make my friends lose faith in my ability to make football picks, when it comes to bigger things, like knowing when a project is a sinking ship and I need to get off, my instincts aren’t so bad.  However, the fact that I’m still trying to do a podcast and judging local “rap battles” seems to fly in the face of that revelation.  Oh well, no one’s perfect.

According to this website, the top 30 movies with the most audio, continuity, deliberate, factual, revealing and visible crew/equipment goofs are:

1. Apocalypse Now (391) – Continuity: After the helicopter attack when the chopper drops the patrol boat into the water, you can see the canopy and the radar type antenna break and collapse. When you see it again it’s in perfect condition.
2. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (296) – Factual error: In the scene immediately following Harry and Hermione’s travel back through time, she tells him, “It’s 7:30.” The clock, however, is striking the bells for an hour, not a half-hour.
3. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (288) – Visible crew/equipment: In the dueling scene, when Snape pulls Malfoy back onto his feet, a cameraman is visible on the far left of the screen.
4. Superman IV:  The Quest for Peace (267) – Continuity: While Superman walks with the kid to the UN, the sky changes from sunny to cloudy in a nano-second.
5. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (261) – Audio problem: When Bilbo is back at his house after the party, Gandalf asks him whether it is so hard to give up the Ring, and Bilbo says, “Well no,” though his mouth is very out of sync.
6. Star Wars (259)
7. The Wizard of Oz (259)
8. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (257) – Deliberate mistake: When Merry is running away from the Orc in Fangorn Forest he has a big gash on the left side of his head, yet when he’s in Treebeard’s hands it has changed to his right side. Due to shot/scene flipping, this occurs numerous times.
9. Scary Movie 3 (254)
10. Beauty and the Beast (243)
11. The Pirates of the Caribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (240)
12. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (225) – Visible equipment: In Shelob’s lair, when Frodo is caught in the web, in the first close-up while hanging there the camera pans down to his feet. Both ankles are wrapped and have foot supports and the wire cables attached to his ankle straps are visible, especially his left. In the next back shot, as Frodo turns around the wrist/arm support at his right arm, while he holds Sting, is seen too.
13. Jaws (214)
14. Harry Potter and the Philospher’s Stone (214)
15. Troy (212) Other: During the first shot of the 1000 ships, oarsmen can be seen rowing, but their oars are not disturbing the water. Yet as they approach the beach, the shot is from the same distance and now splashes can be seen.
16. The Big Sleep (204)
17. Titanic (201) – Continuity: When Rose is trying to rescue Jack she spies a fire axe. Smashing all the glass out from the holder she grabs the axe and turns round. The next camera shot shows Rose standing in front of the case with almost all of its glass intact.
18. The Goonies (198)
19. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (196)
20. Aladdin (193) – Factual error: The animators have clearly tried to make all the writing in the film look Arabic. However in one scene we see the faces of Jafar and the Sultan as they read a scroll. Their eyes move from left to right; Arabic is read right to left.
21. The Crow: Wicked Prayer (183)
22. Star Wars Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (181)
23. Gladiator (178) – Visible equipment: In the “Battle of Carthage” in the Colosseum, one of the chariots is turned over. Once the dust settles you can see a gas cylinder in the back of the chariot.
24. Star Wars III – Revenge of the Sith (177)
25. Independence Day (171)
26. Peter Pan (165) – Continuity: Tinker Bell comes in through the window, zips around the nursery and flies to the bookcase, knocking the two statue bookends and all of the books in between onto the floor leaving an empty shelf. Yet moments later Peter enters the nursery, follows Tink towards the hallway, passes the bookcase on the way and now there are other books on the top shelf.
27. Pearl Harbor (164)
28. Labyrinth (162)
29. Spider-Man (161)
30. Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones (156)

Source

Welcome to my lunch! A man is waving at you.

My lunch is sort of a snack today (it’s a total mooch), so I figured I’d share it with you. I got realllly lost picking this up for work, and almost ran out of gas. Fun times.

As you can see, we’ve got the essential food groups: potatoes (starch), ketchup, and fruits. I think those are all in the same food group? And they are all carbs? Woof. I’m going to live forever.

Just as I was finishing the potatoes, a PA came into our office. He’s fairly new around here. I was holding a fork over a bowl full of ketchup, so I jokingly said, “I’m just sitting here, enjoying my big bowl of ketchup.” (Which, as my previous post can attest to, I totally WOULD enjoy… I put ketchup on my ketchup.)

He said, “Looks like you have a big bowl of fruit, too.”

I smiled and said, “Yeah, I only really like to eat things that are pink or red.”

“Pink or red, huh?” he said, slowly backing away. Before I could say anything more, he was gone.

The best part is that last night he caught me in the kitchen, taking pictures of the pink Kakor box. So he probably thinks that I am serious.

What’s for lunch? Snacks and goofs are what’s for lunch!

I know I only work in research, so my opinion may hold only so much validity. Just as an observation however, I would guess that when publishing an article discussing CBC’s mandate to feature at least 50% Canadian content. It might make sense to master the spelling of the word “English” correctly in your illustration slide before you rush that bad boy to publication.

Just a thought…

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Truly for shits and giggles:

1. When no one is looking, pour a quart of motor oil under someone’s car.

2. Tell the first prize winner, right after he gets his trophy, that a semi just totaled his car.

3. When people get up to go to the refreshment stand, put epoxy on the joints of their chairs so they won’t close.

4. Wear a hubcap on your head and walk around all day singing “Little Old Lady From Pasadena” at the top of your lungs.

5. Find the biggest snob in the show and ask him if Zippy the Chimp did his body work.

6. Randomly put For Sale signs on participants’ cars.

7. Hide in someone’s trunk, and pop out singing “New York, New York”.

8. Ask people to sign your petition demanding that all cars over five years old be destroyed.

9. When you go to the restroom, make believe you’re constipated, make grunting and groaning noises, then yell “I finally passed that damn spark plug.”

10. Train your dog to piss on everyone’s tires.

11. Walk up to someone and tell them their car’s on fire.

12. While standing in line for food, make car sounds. “Vroom, Vroom.”

13. With a very serious look on your face, walk up to particpants and tell them they are sinners and are going to burn in hell, ’cause Jesus didn’t drive.

14. Find the biggest redneck and tell him you don’t know what’s uglier, his wife or his car.

15. Walk around as if in a daze, shouting “where’s the fuckin’ motorcycle show?!”

So, after the 6 months of stress, and the extra 50 pounds on my big, fat, Greek ass, I have been diagnosed with Diabetes.The good part is that I don’t have to monitor my blood sugar…yet.  I have a re-check of myA1C  counts in 3 months.  I have been told to diet no white flour, bread, rice, noodles, men.  Well they didn’t say no white men.  But some of them are pretty sweet!  No table sugar, damn the after taste of diet Mountain Dew!  My legendary 32oz wine glass from FPG, complete with $10 straw, is now filled with home made lemonade sweetened with Stevia. 

I picked up my Metformin today, which seems to make me very speedy.  I’ve been running around the house doing the PeeWee Herman dance singing One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater all day.  I suppose this is what I get, for eating and drinking and making merry throughout my Hobbit life.  One day you wake up and you’re sliding down the side of 45 closest to 50, kicking and screaming mind you, and your body says; “Hey bitch!! Enjoy the ride?  For all your fun you’ve won a diagnosis of…hold it…wait…here it is….DIABETES!”

So, since I oh so loved Dante’s reading of the Nair bottle, I thought I’d go through some of the warnings, and side affects of Metformin.  Modern medicine is a marvel, not that it makes us well, no its  that we live through the shit they makes us, swallow, insert, inject, and snort into our bodily orifices. 

POSSIBLE SIDE AFFECTS: diarrhea, gas, headache, indigestion, nausea, stomach upset, temporary metallic taste or vomiting.  Won’t I just be lovely to be around?  Smelly ass and smelly ass breath with the taste to go with it.  I think I liked that my pee supposedly tasted sweet with too much sugar than the later.  Then it goes on to say if they continue or are bothersome (what the fuck? Puking my brains out while farting isn’t bothersome in the short term?) check with your doctor.  If you experience chest pain, or discomfort, dizziness or lightheadedness fast or difficult breathing (at least I don’t have to smell the gas), fever, chills, or persistent sore throat (possibly from the vomiting?) Seek immediate medical assistance! DUH! 

Further sometimes (but don’t worry not always) serious (the others weren’t?) and a FATAL condition can occur.  Guess I can’t call the doctor if I experience this one.  Lactic Acidosis.  But don’t worry it only generally happens if you have serious liver or kidney problems, and if you’ve had heart failure.  I feel like I’m relatively safe, cuz my mom has all 3 of those and is still this side of the roots.  Further she takes more Metformin if we’d let her at it, than she’s supposed to, I would guess I’m OK.  The risk  may be greater in people who drink alcohol.  Shit…the kiss of death.  Cuz everyone knows that Classy Bitches Drink Boxed Wine.  However, if  I don’t want to end up in a box they say I should avoid it until I speak to my doctor.  Well, my doctor is this skinny, beauty, that I doubt would tell  anyone to drink anything that might take them to their happy place.  And since my dad has been on Metformin for many years, and drank and is not only off the meds all together for Diabetes, but has low blood sugar and further, is still alive, I’m  probably good if I learn moderation.  Oh shit I forgot I’m a Sagittarius. 

Honestly I think they put every symptom every person ever had just to cover their pharmaceutical asses.  Not because you’ll actually have any of them but just because their attorneys say they have to for the cya thing in the last sentence I spoke of.  Oh and if I become allergic to the medicine, and the way I’ll know that is if I suddenly stop breathing, I’m supposed to seek medical attention.  Again, how the hell do I do that if I’m not breathing?  I guess I’ll be dead, and Leon and Steve will live well off the lawsuit money they get in my aftermath? 

Yeah just me and my metformin.  Sounds like fun huh?  Let’s all have one, shall we?

100 Best Movie Lines in 200 Seconds

What follows are actual conversations I have had at work.

Ja:What’s for Lunch?
K:I don’t know. I’m gonna tell you it’s chicken, because you eat chicken without too much complaint. Yes, I know it smells funny and is slightly green on the edges. It’s chicken. Trust me. Tell me how it tastes, by the way. I refuse to touch it.
Ja:*takes bite and makes face* It tastes awful!
K:Yeah… have some more wilted salad or squishy apples. 
Ja:*gives me a look* You first. 

Jo:How old are you?
K:How old do you think I am? I’ll give you a hint.. I’m older than you 
Jo:6?
K:Nope, I’m 20.
Jo:No, you’re 6!
K:Sweetie, I’m a little older than that. I’m 20. I’ll be 21 in July
Jo:NO! YOU’RE 6!
K:Ok… I’m 6! Put down the scissors and slowly back away from me.

Ja:Does potato count? (for eating them and getting more of the stuff they really want to eat)
K:No J, potatoes are inanimate objects and are incapable of complex thought.
J:Why? 
K:Because they watched too much Spongebob. 
Ja:Is that what happened to you?
K:No… You small zombies have eaten my brains… finish your lunch. 
Ja: Mmmm… Brains! 

K:*I see B hiding under the bridge on the playground structure* Whatcha doing?
B:Hiding
K:From what?
B:Bombs
K:What bombs?
*two shovels wiz past my face and land on the bridge followed by the howls of another child’s tantrum*
B:Those bombs. 

R:*we are reading a book* Are those Aliens in that book?
K:I don’t know, do they look like aliens?
R:No… they don’t.
K:What do aliens look like?
R:They’re green and big. And have penises.
K:… what?
R:They have penises!
K:… oh. Do they now?
R:Yeah! They have to go to the bathroom SOMEHOW! *howls of laughter* 

All Day. Monday Through Friday. And you wonder why I barely watch TV anymore… *shakes head*

Here why LOL… I just kidding with you all… i do funny acts of my mistakes i can make while vlogging, i show some bad manners and someone on VP bothered me while i tried make a vlog and bad dancing skills… enjoy my vlog thanks…

So, will someone out there do something to piss me off?LOL just kidding!  Well about the piss me off part.  I truly can’t think of anything to blog about.  Partly cuz it’s 606 am and Monday morning.   Generally I wouldn’t be up at this insane hour but I have to drive the kids to the bus stop for the next 2 weeks.  And for some ridiculous reason I agreed to meet my friend at Starbucks at 630 for coffee.  I’ve amended that idea to tea.  I’m gonna come back around 730 and go back to sleep.

I’ve never been good at mornings.  In fact in my baby book, if you could see it, you would see that I stayed up all night and insisted that everyone in the house do so as well.  Always the premadonna.  Yesterday I even took a nap in the afternoon which made things worse for me.  I think Leon and I signed off at around 1 am this morning. 

I hate the stupid birds singing, I hate the dark. I think its horrible that the school system gets our kids up this early and expects them to be alert.  There is enough of this getting up and having to be some place for them in the next 4 and half or so decades, that they shouldn’t have to rise before the sun does just yet.

OK that took me to 225 words.  Gods this is going to be tough.  I am beginning to see dawns early light now though.  Plus I also have one psycho cat that is trying to get me to let her out for her morning recon.  She truly does recognisence.  She has a patrol that she does.  Runs out the door, then moves to her left.  Then she goes to the right.  Circles the pool one complete revolution and then sits in the hot tub.  She waits for the squirrels to come around and dick with her.  That’s Pandora. 

Yeah that last paragraph was a stretch and now, well let me refresh and I’ll tell you where I am.  Woot 342!  Less than 58 words to go!  I gotta hurry too, cuz not only am I going to coffee this morning, but I am also meeting a friend for lunch later today.  So, once I nap when I get back I’ll have precious little time to blog.  I also need to look for a new doctor at some point, for that stupid thing under my arm that is killing me.  Well I hope it’s not killing me, but it hurts like hell.  My shoulder blade and my boob on my right side hurts.  Anyway yes, this atrocity of a blog is officially over 400 words!  I have done myduty and made it through day one of WARP!  Oh and BTW, if this made absolutely no sense, remember its now 619 am!

Peace Out

Zoe

Thought I’d share a screen grab of an email I just received from G-Star. Clearly their heart is in the right place, but their editorial department is asleep. I mean, do they really want us to band together for poverty ignorance?

OK DISCLAIMER, ANOTHER ONE OF MY PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS.  THIS ISN’T ABOUT ANYONE.  IF THIS RESEMBLES YOU, YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY OR SOME JOKER YOU KNOW OFF THE STREET, ITS REALLY, TRULY NOT ABOUT YOU. ITS JUST A COINCIDENCE.  I HAVE NO ONE IN MIND HERE, EXCEPT ME AND MY HUSBAND.  PLEASE DON’T TURN IT INTO SOMETHING ITS NOT.  Have you ever noticed that sometimes people think that whatever they hear is about them?  You know you’ve done it.  You come into a room full of people and they suddenly stop talking, or 2 people look at each other when you walk past and whisper, and you just know its about you.  Well I’m here to tell you, more times than not, it’s NOT about you.  In fact, most of us live in a world of our own.  We’re way more self important in our own eyes than anyone else’s.  

Leon and I have noticed this about each other and different people.  It took me constant reminding from my sweet husband to realize that in deed,  people generally are more consumed with themselves than anyone else.  In fact, when there is drama, like the kind that all of us have lived, unless you’re a key player in said drama, no one notices.  In fact no one cares.  It might be really important to you and the people people that you’re involved in it with (or people you draw into it), but for everyone else it’s no big deal. 

We also remember things longer than most elephants do.  So, when you’re sure that people are still as involved in whatever it is (like me with my parents living here) they probably have left your plight and have moved on to another chapter of their own shit to worry about.  That’s probably a good thing, cuz if I remembered everyones crap I’d probably be in a mental institution by now.  And, if you’re reading this and one of the people who think I need a padded cell, just remember, you probably don’t look to normal to most people either. 

Anyway, we’re the big shit in our lives.  Even with our best friends, we care, we love, but when the rubber meets the road, the only people that truly matter to us, is well, us.  That’s not a bad thing either.  In fact that’s how it should be.  Because if we spent more time worrying about our own lives instead of what others are doing, or thinking, the better off we’d be.  In fact, get a hobby or start a new project!  That will take the focus off of others, and your own problems.

It was a dark and dreary day. It really was. It had been raining quite heavily all day long. A trip to Costco was required though, so I had bundled up the boys (the girls were still in school at the time) and drove to the nearest store, about 20 minutes away or so.

There is one thing I am a sucker for at Costco – and that is croissants. I LOVE them. I love to use them for sandwiches, or just eat them plain. This trip was no different than the others, I purchased a package of croissants along with the rest of the groceries.

I got home and, dodging the rain, hurried inside with James in my arms and pulling a reluctant Jacob behind me hollering “I holp! I holp!” I tried to explain to him that things were too heavy and it was raining to hard to help, and though he consented, he was not happy about it.

It was James’s nap time, so I punked him in his crib and hurried back out the door and into the rain to bring the rest of my purchases. In one hand I carried dishwasher detergent, in another I carried a box of frozen hashbrowns. Perched atop the box of hashbrowns was the coveted package of croissants.

I was trying to hurry and I was soaked. I only ever wear flipflops unless I am doing a lot of walking and I didn’t think about the fact that the floor would be wet from my earlier entrance. I hit the damp wood floor in front of the door and my right ankle shot out, wrenching beneath me. I felt the crunch as I pitched forward. The Dishwasher soap bounced across the carpetted part of the floor as the hashbrowns and croissants became airborn. Luckily, the box of hashbrowns landed on the couch beside me, gently bobbing up and down on the plush cushions.

I layed on my stomach in agony as the soft patter of croisants rained around my still form. After a moment of silence I heard a tentative little voice.

“Mommy? You fall mommy?”

“Yes, Jacob. I fell.”

“I holp now?”

“Yes. You can help now.”

He happily gathered up the croissants as I pealed my wounded self off the ground. It is one thing to say you sprained your ankle doing sports or saving a child from a speeding train – but slipping on a puddle of water? Come on!

(By the way – this was a couple months ago – after gimping about for a couple weeks the ankle was better. It didn’t even swell – of course I think my ankles are so used to being wrenched, sprained, and twisted that they have long since given up swelling heh)