I’ve been thinking about posting this list for a long time. I’ve gone back and forth on it, but finally decided “what the hell.” So here it is.

There is only ONE requirement for this list, it has to take place on, or around, Christmas. That’s it. It doesn’t have to BE about Christmas, it just has to take place on, or around, it. Period.

You’ll notice the list is relatively new. There isn’t a single black and white movie on it. It’s not that I haven’t seen those old black and white movies, I have, I just don’t get the warm and fuzzies from them. And maybe since they’re so old, I feel like they’re cliche, even though they’re the movies that actually created the cliches in the first place.

Bottom line, this is my list, based on my preference, and I can totally agree with people who have different lists. I’m not going to say my list is the best, it’s just my list.

So here we go:

1. Die Hard
2. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
3. A Christmas Story
4. Lethal Weapon
5. Home Alone
6. Love Actually
7. A Charlie Brown Christmas
8. Scrooged
9. Elf
10. Gremlins

Why Die Hard at number 1? Why not!? It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and it takes place on Christmas. So there you go. That’s enough to make it to number one on my list.

I hope everyone has a great Holiday season!

Enjoy.
-Steve

P.S. Having a cold for Christmas sucks.

a Primal Root review

“It is truly, The Muppet Chain Saw Massacre.” – Harlan Ellison, Harlan Ellison’s Watching, Underwood-Miller, 1989 Page 198

It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol, the list of classic, heart warming family friendly Christmas movies is an extensive one. Growing up as a child of the 80’s we were shown such images of Christmas miracles, happy families, the gigantic honey glazed ham dinner served to a smiling family sitting warm around the dinner table. Everyone within the film and the audiences watching safe in the knowledge that no matter how bad things get it will turn out all right in the end. But eventually the movie stops and we have to face the grim reality of the holiday season.

Only one film in my childhood recollection completely broke the image I had ingrained into my head of the perfect family Christmas. What happened to this image? Where did the American Dream go so completely awry? This is the question at the core of Joe Dante’s subversive, goopy, violent, nasty little horror film entitled Gremlins.

The film itself is a satire of mid-80’s consumer America. A time when the yuppies reigned supreme, those of us in the dwindling middle class were screwed as work became harder to find and a dark form of mischief finds its way into the homes of both the wealthy and underprivileged alike in the form of the scaly, razor fanged, red eyed Gremlins. A dark reminder of that our actions and carelessness can have the most dire of consequences.

Gremlins looks to almost take place in an updated version of a picturesque, old fashioned, Norman Rockwell town. An American town where values such as self reliance, independence, and personal responsibility have been completely twisted in our pursuit of easy money. It’s a world where the junior vice-president of the town bank dreams of becoming a millionaire by the time he’s 35 and only finds value in his new apartment (it even has Cable TV!). It’s a place where the nasty, self indulgent rich, preach responsibility but cannot be asked to help save a family about to be evicted on Christmas.

Here, everything is a commodity to be bought or sold. Every resource can be tapped for possible exploitation. Even the Mogwai of which Mr. Peltzer makes the observation, “I bet every kid in America would want to have one of these. This could really be the big one!” looks at little Gizmo in terms of economic value rather than a living being.

Lil' Gizmo. Cute? You bet. Just make sure to follow the rules.

Obviously this is the era of the “Get Rich Quick” scheme. Mr. Peltzer has given up gainful employment to be a full time inventor trying to dream up the next “big thing” that will provide for he and his family the rest of their days. It’s Western civilizations dream of making money without ever truly having to work for it. Only the wise Asian Grandfather, representing non-American values, seems to sadly understand the monetary obsessed culture he is living in.

“Sold?” he asks, after Mr. Peltzer makes an inquiry into how he originally obtained Gizmo. “That’s an interesting choice of words.” His meaning is apparent. That life is not something you can buy or sell and Gizmo, of course, is a living creature.

Gremlins is an incredibly thoughtful horror film in the guise of family entertainment. It even manages to poke fun and ridicule everything we hold dear in Western Civilization. Gizmo is forced to wave an American flag, and the Grandfather is horrified to learn Gizmo has been taught to watch television. After all, isn’t that what passes for culture these days?

Possibly my favorite moment in the movie, the one that altered my take on Christmas forever, is the scene in which there’s a lull in the action and Pheobe Cates character recalls the disturbing and tragic story of her father’s disappearance and demise many Christmas ago. He was found several days after Christmas lodged in the chimney, dead, having broken his neck. Dressed as Santa. In a deeply dark and satirical film this scene alone is hands down the darkest. No Gremlins, no mauling, no chain saw attacks…more to the point, I believe this scene mocks sentimentality itself. A trait Steven Spielberg is all too familiar with. However, to Spielberg’s credit, despite everyone else demanding this scene be excised from the film, he allowed Joe Dante to make the final decision. Thankfully, Joe Dante was able to keep this remarkably powerful and disturbing sequence.

Gremlins also works on the level of a message movie about the use of our natural resources. The Mogwai, Gizmo, is friendly, cute and unspoiled, but when we don’t follow the rules (getting them wet, exposing them to bright lights and most especially feeding them after midnight) you are left with something far more perverted, sinister and harmful. Grandfather tells Billy and the viewing audience that American people would do with Mogwai what “Society has done with all natural gifts.” What he’s talking about is an American ideal. We’d sell them, buy them and make a killing.

Stripe. The Gremlin you don't want to fuck with.

But above all this Gremlins is a hellishly good time! It’s dangerous, gruesome and overt he top. Another favorite scene is when Billy’s Mother must do battle with the recently hatched batch of Gremlins run amuck in her house using all the tools she has around the house including blenders, knives and microwave ovens spewing Gremlin guts all over the good china. This stuff is sick. I remember watching the film as a child and my mind simply reeling at this. People were being ripped, beaten, strangled, bitten and even killed by these malicious little Gremlins. But slowly a smile came across my face as I realized what a joke it all was. These idealized American Christmas traditions. The fact that the final battle between Stripe, Billy and Gizmo takes place inside a shopping center filled to the brim with hollow consumer goodies can’t be a coincidence.

Joe Dante’s Gremlins proudly takes those Christmas traditions so many hold dear and shove them right where the sun don’t shine. Gremlins, you ruined Christmas for a generation of 80’s kids. And I cannot thank you enough.

Your truly,
-The Primal Root

Yay!! 

These are some of my favorites.

These are my fav parts of the entire movie!  I can’t find a photo of the dad’s facial expression as he describes how the kid looked like “a Pink Nightmare!”

H I L A R I O U S

Aww…this is sad & funny at the same time.  Why put your tongue on an icy pole?   “Come back! Come baaack!”

I still, to this day, say that they left this poor kid intentionally!!!  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it…

Gotta love Eloise!!

Just saw this one last week.  In 3D!!!  Awesome!!

Remember the Gremlins?

 Okay, these last 5 are just movies that I love to cuddle up & watch during this time of  year.  I’m such a Chick Flick Queen!!

So I’m all set!

It’s the battle of the Christmas creatures! In the green corner, wearing felt and updating a Yuletide classic, it’s Kermit and Co. In the other green corner, covered in slime and slaying Santa, it’s Stripe and his gang. Click HERE or the image above to read our latest piece for Metro Film Fight Club!

Vafalls! Inget GREMLINS i juletablån?? Här sitter jag och ska planera min film- och tv-rutt för den närmsta veckan, och vad finner jag? Jo, att juletraditionen ej skall komma att bibehållas. Den enda kanal som visar Gremlins är tyska RTL2, och det är högst osäket om jag har den. För övrigt är tyskar roliga. Man har lagt till bititeln “kleine Monster”, ifall någon skulle ha svårt att placera dessa tvetydiga varelser i rätt livsformskategori. Jaja, det blir till att rusa till videobutiken och hyra, alternativt – ve och fasa – ändra jultraditionerna.

Tack och lov går i alla fall både Ett päron till farsa firar jul och Fanny och Alexander. Min sambo, som är paniskt rädd för filmer över 90 minuter har (av förklarliga skäl) aldrig sett sistnämnda epos. Jag överväger att plåga honom igenom hela härligheten i jul, bara för saken skull.

För övrigt önskar jag att tv4-sporten hade uppesittarkväll varje dag fram till jul. Jag undrar när Patrick Ekwall gick från utskällt, stekaranklagat hatobjekt till glidig mediedarling? Han var hursomhelst fenomenalt rolig igår, precis som han alltid är på sin Twitter som jag rekommenderar å det varmaste. Kameramännen förstod att konstant återvända till en huvbeklädd Martin Mutumba som agerade dj/tomte/dj-tomte med ett konstant flin på läpparna, medan Ekwall och Lundh släppte missnöjd tävlande efter annan genom telefonslussen bara för att lotta ut ännu en skitful resväska och ytterligare oönskade innebandybiljetter till besvikna La Liga-pris-aspiranter. Bäst under kvällen? Det står mellan den hemgjorda julpriskalendern (ikeabokhylla, crepepapper och julgransglitter) och Ekwalls lila kavaj (som han för övrigt twittrade om innan sändning, och på så vis lät oss följa hans beslut beträffande sändningsklädsel all the way. Det är precis det här man ska ha Twitter till!).

Nä, nu har jag tamejfan julstök att ta tag i. God jul på er, och se för ALLT i världen inte The Holiday, hur starkt julemys-suget än blir. Ni kommer att kräkas upp ischokladen.

/E

Brokadkavajen var close runner up i kampen om julsändningen. Men till slut blev det den lila.

Yes, of course the massively butch Die Hard coupled with the overly 80s don’t-feed-after-midnight Gremlins double bill on tonight would give any other event a run for its money. Bar one. See You Next Tuesday, a festival of female dubstep favourites, is on tonight as a part of the V Day fundraising activities. The V Day organisers fight violence against women worldwide, and in the UK have been the group responsible for bringing the sold old Vagina Monologues to town.

Go because it’s Christmas and this is the org you want to support. Go because you love dubstep. Go because you feel clever telling people you were at See You Next Tuesday last night. Either way, read on here, and see you there!

Well Day 3 really didn’t play out as I hoped, I am not going to let my standards drop, I was set to watch “The Ten Commandments”, “The Muppet Christmas Carol” and “Gremlins”. I managed to watch 2 out of the 3, I missed “The Ten Commandments” and I am regretting already because I was watched a Cecil B. DeMile documentary later on that day and I thinking I can’t believed to have missed it. I missed it because of house work, I know but I watched “Home Alone” instead, but I had to play Batman Arkham Asylum to please my 6 year old brother, so I managed to watch 1 hour of “Home Alone” but I see it every Christmas anyway.

I feel that the Christmas spirit has got hold of me since last night from watching “Miracle on 34th Street” and so I was really looking forward to seeing “The Muppets Christmas Carol”. It is the second best adaptation of the overused Christmas Carol story but it is a fresh take on the tale with the inclusion of the Muppets. It is irreverent, fun and again never loses the magic of book. I love Sir Michael Caine, he is the best Alfred, he is the only reason why “Harry Brown” worked for me, and we all know he is brilliant in this film. It is comforting to know that Sir Michael Caine probably didn’t to do it for the money because you get the feeling that he is having fun and it shows on screen. The film also depends on the Muppet character conversion so to speak, and they have chosen wisely, Kermit is a fantastic Bob Cratchit and Gonzo is great as Charles Dickens himself. I was there with my little brother and he loved every minute of it, which is great to see.

Then I watched “Gremlins” which follows the great tradition with films like “Die Hard” and “Black Christmas” that just uses Christmas as a setting. It puts a great hypocritical spin on the whole ideals of Christmas, which changes love and happiness with death and darkness. These Gremlins are cheeky little bastards, there are so many great moments in the film, the scene in the bar with the Gremlins getting drunk and obviously when the Gremlin gets cooked in the microwave. I was laughing through out and I just wanted to watch “Die Hard” after this. But I do have to say I was very impressed with the Gremlins themselves, great animatronics especially in the cinema scene, but I don’t want to watch the sequel though, it might ruin it for me.

So the end of Day 3 tomorrow is one of my shortest days. The films are “Dick Tracy” (I might not watch, because of the workload but see how it goes) and “Encounters At The End Of The World”. Please comment if there are films that I have missed or I should watch.

It’s the first proper day of my Christmas break and it’s been a grand old day. Nothing spectacular but just a nice day.

I’m feeling pretty good about things at the moment, I don’t have to think about work for two whole weeks and I’ve got plenty of stuff on the horizon to keep me out of mischief. I went to a Christmas party hosted by my old work colleagues on Friday. It was so good to see everyone again, bar the crazy dutch bitch (who is still up to her old tricks) everyone I worked with was cool. I aked Heather if I could have the job coming up in April and she told me it’s mine. Sweet. I double checked with my old manager and she’s happy to have me back. Bingo! Sometimes it takes a ramble to see the grass isn’t greener, and if I’m not having to cover last minute shifts and deal with mentalist staff I’m more than happy to go back there.

The rest of the weekend was nicely chilled. I totally lost my voice on Sunday. The dog took full advantage of me not being able to tell her what to do. Trying to entice her away from various wildlife was comedy. I gave up in the end. We came home and lounged under a blankie watching absolute nonsense all day. Take That in concert, Love Actually (never seen it – gave me false hope for half an hour before the lump of coal where my heart should be re-emerged) and other crappy Christmas rubbish. I’m still feeling a bit cack but my voice is back for 60% of the time now.

Today I braved the snow and arctic conditions to go for coffee with Gav and after buying the last of my Christmas presents, ventured into the countryside with the dog. We were out for hours trudging through snowy fields and past frozen lakes. There was no-one around so I got to sing along tunelessly and croakily to my ipod. Got home, cooked a mega chilli and finished off watching Goodfellas before settling down to watch Gremlins.

Before people actually owned video recorders, you could hire them out. As a kid, the local video shop hired out these video recorders that came in a giant suitcase. You got it free when you took out the films. As a treat one weekend, my Dad allowed my brother and I to pick a film each. He picked Karate Kid, and I chose Gremlins. One of my fondest memories of my old man is sitting down with him and watching it. I can remember as clear as day which bits he howled at. They put it on tv every year and I have to watch it. I only like the bits where they’ve hatched and are pissed up, driving snow plows and singing along to Snow White, all the Mogwai noises really unsettle me. I have lots of these private traditions relating to my old man, I often wonder if anyone else in the family does. I’ll never find out because we don’t talk about it. Gotta love famillies. 

Even if you don’t go to school anymore (or happen to work in one) you’ll probably remember that the Christmas excitement really takes hold once you go off on holiday.  And as my school was closed on the last day of term because of the snow, the festive spirit is really flowing.

The fact that I’m completely snowed in has also helped me cross off a few more of my pre-Christmas movies. So here’s part two of my must watch yuletide films, this time bringing you some undeniably merry movies.

The Grinch

Jim Carrey has been a bit of a feature round here recently, and like many of his films, The Grinch tends to divide people.  I guess if you really hate him you can trade the new version for the traditional animation, but I really like Ron Howard’s adaption which stays very close to the book and has a great look which brings to life Dr Seuss’s mad imagination.  Even if you’ve never seen the movie/read the book, you’re bound to have some idea what The Grinch is all about.  In a way, it’s a bit like A Christmas Carol, with a grumpy outsider finding “the meaning of Christmas” but it also is increasingly relevant as both  Cindy-Lou and The Grinch struggle with the idea that Christmas seems to be all about who can spend the most money.

Home Alone

I have absolutely no idea why I like this film, I just know that I have to see it before Christmas.  I think a lot of it is down to John Williams beautiful score, my favourite monent being where he weaves Carol of the Bells into his main theme.  Yes, this film is unutterably cheesy, but that’s just what you need at Christmas. Plus, the child in me will always laugh at two bad guys getting hit in the face with paint cans.

Miracle on 34th Street

Again, there’s a few versions of this, but the one I’m voting for here is the Richard Attenborough, because I could totally see him being Santa.  This film has great memories for me, especially as it is one of the first (if not the first) films I ever saw at the cinema; back in the dark ages when my town still had one.  It’s a cute story about getting people to believe in Santa Claus, and although it’s sickly sweet, it gets away with it thanks to some strong performances from Attenborough and Mara Wilson (AKA Matilda). The idea of a legal battle over the existence of Santa is also a pretty neat one, oroginal enough to be taken off in numeous parodies ever since the black and white original.

This final spot I’ve struggled with.  In the end I’ve decided to leave out Gremlins on account that it’s not so much a family film (although since I discovered it two Christmasses ago I haven’t looked back).  So my final Christmas Hols film is:

The Santa Clause

This film has a lot fo similarities with Miracle on 34th, with both trying to get grown-ups to believe in Santa, but this time with a modern twist. Tim Allen stars as the half-hearted Dad who falls foul of “The Santa Clause” after accidentally knocking St Nick off the roof.  Forced to become the new Santa, the plot follows the not so shocking arc of him coming to terms with his new responsibilities, but with the nice side story of him bonding with his son (Daddy issues anyone?)  It’s a fun film with some real laughs, making me all the more sad that it’s not on this year and I don’t have it on DVD.

So that’s the holidays sorted (and I don’t mean that in the American sense.)  If you’re snowed in like me, crank the heating up, grab a blanket and get stuck in!

Final installment coming on Christmas Eve (ish) with my recommendations for the films to finally get you ready for the big day. And one to watch while you can barely move after all that dinner.

Paris Hilton’s new dog

(A Gremlin)

Seems like a good match.

Picture by: dunno source Caption by: gumiebearz6 via Our LOL Builder

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Actor Peter Jones snuggles up to a couple of Gremlins while filming an ad for British company BT. Better him than me. (Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)

If you’re an Eighties baby like me, you already know The Rules. No, I don’t mean those silly rules about dating. I’m talking about the rules for the proper care of a Mogwai. Wait … what?

You’re forgiven if your memory’s a little hazy. Mogwai are the cute little critters that end up causing so much trouble in the 1984 megahit “Gremlins.” When an inventor runs into a Chinatown curio shop on Christmas Eve desperately seeking a present for his son, the owner’s grandson steers him toward a furry cutie that the boy names Gizmo. He’s adorable and pretty easy to care for — as long as the boy follows three simple rules. If you’re over the age of 25, you know these by heart:  Don’t get him wet, don’t expose him to bright light and whatever you do — no, seriously, whatever you do — don’t feed him after midnight.

Of course, the kid breaks the first two pretty much immediately, but the results are relatively harmless. When he accidentally flicks on a light switch in the middle of the night, poor Gizmo shrieks, “brightlightbrightlightbrightlight!” and burrows under the covers. Not a big deal, but the fact that your pet can talk should be a sign that something’s amiss. Breaking the second rule is a bit more problematic: when Gizmo gets wet, he sprouts a few new bad-tempered friends. You’d think that regeneration would raise an eyebrow or two, but when the new miscreants trick the boy into feeding them after midnight, things get really, really nasty. As Comic Book Guy might say, “Worst. Present. EVER.”

Sounds terrifying, doesn’t it? Then why is “Gremlins” considered one of the best comedies ever made? Let’s be honest: the idea of ugly green creatures bringing an idyllic town to its knees during the most wonderful time of the year (here we go again) sounds pretty freaking funny. The Gremlins’ pub crawl is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, and don’t get me started on “Snow White” and the flying chairlift. That said, Stripe’s death at the end may have scarred me for life.  There’s a reason I’ve only seen this movie once since I was eight and I only got halfway through the sequel before bailing. Of course, it’s my irrational terror that makes “Gremlins” my kind of Christmas movie.

Not too long ago, in an argument with a friend of mine, in which I was defending my dislike of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, I spouted off my favorite Christmas movie… and you know what?  It wasn’t even a Christmas movie at all…. Yet it takes place on Christmas, so how is it NOT a Christmas movie?? This got me thinking about all the movies that take place around that time, yet aren’t really holiday movies in the strictest sense.

As I alluded to earlier… My favorite Christmas film is Batman Returns, but who would ever think of this a Christmas movie…  yet Christmas factors heavily into its plot.  Consider the repeated attempts at lighting the Gotham Christmas tree, once to be foiled by the Penguin’s circus gang (arriving explosively in giant Christmas presents) and the second to be accidentally lit by the ‘Ice Princess’ as she falls to her death, framing Batman in the process.  The films entire production design, in fact, depends on its Christmas time setting…. I’m thinking of Penguins Arctic World lair, Selina Kyle landing in the snow, the stocking of ”evidence” the Penguin presents to Schreck as extortion (including, quite graphically, a severed hand).  Catwoman has a great final line as she kills Max Schreck with a “kiss of death” from a tazer when she lists off all the times people have killed her, getting down to number seven, stating that she “thinks she’ll save one for next Christmas.”  And, who can forget the final image of the film… A snowy Batsignal with the silhouett of Catwoman looking on?

Gremlins is another film that most people wouldn’t associate as a Christmas movie, yet Christmas is at the very heart of its themes.  Mr. Peltzer gets his son a mogwai for a Christmas present.  His son Billy works at a bank, which introduces us to Ruby Deagle, the town Scrooge, who gets her comeuppance on Christmas night as the gremlins supercharge her chairlift and catapult her out of her house.  They also notably eat a guy dressed as Santa Clause alive.  Billy’s girlfriend also tells a ridiculous story about how she hates christmas because of an unfortunate incident involving her father getting stuck in the chimney whilst dressed as Santa.

Edward Scissorhands is a movie that many may associate with Christmas, yet it is singular as far as Christmas movies go in that there is no snow.  It, of course, takes place in Florida a place where there is very rarely snowfall, yet it seems to be relaying the fable about how snowfall came to that particular suburb of the Sunshine State in December.

I would mention White Christmas, which is really a dancing movie, with only the end taking place at Christmas, but it has Christmas in the title and is something that I watch on Christmas religiously, so…

12/12/2009, 8:00 pm: An over five day long Following Five, just for you- whoever the heck you are.

12/12/2009, 8:01 pm: I just watched Gamer, and I’m sure that if I ever see Surrogates I’ll say “I really liked this a lot better when it was called Gamer.”

12/12/2009, 8:10 pm: The Notebook is on Oxygen, and I’m going to watch because Rachel McAdams is so lovely, and I just want to kiss her face all over.  I also think she’s really weird from every interview, etc. I’ve seen, and believe she smokes copious amounts of reefer.  I could be wrong, but I doubt that.

12/12/2009, 8:22 pm: I sorta want to go up to my local pizza and beer haunt but then I’d have to spend literally 1 minute to wet my hair and pull it back but I’m far to lazy.  Maybe.  I don’t know, I’ll think about it while I watch Ryan Gosling dance with my girl in a street.  (I’m kidding, Hayley Atwell is my girl and I take my commitment to her seriously.)

12/12/2009, 8:41 pm: I’ve completed the training for my new job and have just certification left.  Is sorta good.  Hopefully I can get a promotion to “Operative” from “Special Agent” quickly lol

12/12/2009, 9:19 pm: I can’t believe I’d never watched this flick before.  I love a good romance (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset are two that immediately come to mind) so this is now a must-own.  I really don’t think I could get any more lame.

12/12/2009, 9:32 pm: Okay, pizza and ale time!  Talk to you soon (but not really since you won’t see this for a week)

12/12/2009, 11:27 pm: There was a crappy band up there but I managed to swallow 4 pints of Magic Hat #9.  All their beers are wonderful.

12/12/2009, 11:49 pm: I love SNL.  Oh wait, Taylor Lautner.  I said his name and can now put him in the tags and whore for readers.  Twilight: New Moon!  Oh man.  Hey there, fella.  I’m cheap, and really enthusiastic about getting pounded!

12/13/2009, 12:00 am: Good morning, I love you, what’s for breakfast?

12/13/2009, 12:53 am: I gotta agree, on a level, with Anonymous, that Kenan Thompson has been on fire this season of SNL.

12/13/2009, 2:45 am: Dang, it’s late.  I was on the tele and lost track of time.  I want to watch something falling asleep other than Joe Dante’s Gremlins tonight.  I’m thinking Heavy Metal will be my new thing for a few nights, then back to Gremlins.  Me need me some Holiday time Phoebe Cates :3 Yeah, I’m off to get ready for bed, read comics, and watch John Candy’s best voice acting ever!

12/13/2009, 2:45 pm: I waited until now to start back with this, since it’d be exactly 12 hours.  I rule.

12/13/2009, 3:00 pm: I am nude, sitting in the bathtub, right now.  I’m watching The Office on Hulu, but I’m not sure why since I’m not really a fan.

12/13/2009, 3:17 pm: Ellie Kemper with cuts on her face ala The Office S6E13 is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  I’ve mentioned before I like blindness and deafness in women (♥), but I think facial cuts and scars are one of the sexiest things in the world.  For that, and being beautiful and talented, Theresa Wayman is high on my list.

12/13/2009, 4:20 pm: Time to call it a day!

12/13/2009, 6:08 pm: I have to go hang out with a friend so I can then take him to work in the morning.   No Dexter tonight Well, watching Gamer the other day helped with my weekly Michael C. Hall fix.

12/14/2009, 10:36 am: Okay, I’m home, and just watched Dexter.  Mindscramblebloxxx.  Not what I was expecting, at all, and damn do I feel bad for Debra.  When she gets wind of this she’s literally going to fall to pieces.  Chunks of Debra, everywhere.  And I don’t care what minuscule minded people say, Jennifer Carpenter is bangin’.

12/14/2009, 11:02 am: Getting up at the ass end of 5am, I’m pretty much ready for bed right now.  I have high aspirations, obviously.

12/14/2009, 11:11 am: I just kissed a clock and wished to be in bed by noon.  I don’t think it’ll happen, but I’m going to try, damnit!  I have big aspirations in life and but few dare tread this ground like I do.

12/14/2009, 6:39 pm: Okay, so while it looks as though I met my goal by going to bed by noon I only took a nap.  I swear it!

12/14/2009, 7:47 pm: WWE RAW for 3 hours tonight.  That’s the best course of action, me thinks.  No Mickie James, but a little Maryse Ouellet should do me well.

12/14/2009, 8:32 pm: I just realized that there isn’t going to be anything on television for a while.  Burn Notice returns soon, as does LOST (I’m getting horny as hell just thinking about these two airing every week), but almost everything else just had their season finales.  I’m scared at how open my schedule now is.

12/14/2009, 8:40 pm: I wish I had someone to [CENSORED] with right now instead of watching my amazing [CENSORED] gather dust.  I bet you $1 you don’t know what the two hidden words are.

12/14/2009, 8:55 pm: Hey WWE, thanks for constantly reminding me how much I used to admire Jeff Hardy and now much I dislike him.  Ugh, what a piece of crap he’s turned out to be.

12/14/2009, 11:03 am: Went up to the bar, heard about how great the Baroness show I missed was from my bartender, and am now watching Cena V Orton for the Superstar of the Year Slammy.

12/14/2009, 11:32 – 11:36 pm: So, I’m thinking that while I work on my end of the year posts (aka post #5 of most categories) I gather up concepts for future posts are start them to make all of our lives better.  I have some good stuff coming (extra good if I can get a certain website’s staff to come on board for a great post I’m working on), and I promise the slow posting in December will be made up for.  But seriously, while the posts this month are not frequent, they are BIG!, and hard worked on.  I promise you this, and you’ll see that post #5 on Love Blog #5 is an event.  My 2009 music review should be testament!  This post too!  No, just kidding.

12/14/2009, 11:53 pm: I don’t know about you, but I find it funny when friends ask not to IM but to text because they’re about to “crash”.

12/15/2009, 12:06 am: How did you sleep?  Good, me too.  3 eggs with sausage, Canadian bacon and just a few splashes of Cholula Hot sauce on a lightly buttered, toasted Asiago cheese bagel.  Thanks, you’re the best

12/15/2009, 12:13 am: The commercials for Youth in Revolt are not good, but the redband trailer makes me finally want to watch Michael Cera play Michael Cera.

12/15/2009, 1:13 am: Megavideo never plays the amount of time it claims.

12/15/2009, 1:25 pm: Doc appointment.  Boring.

12/15/2009, 3:33 pm: My buddy needs me to go help him with something, so no more today.  I’m awful.

12/16/2009, 4:58 – 5:00 pm: Today marks the new format in Following Five, which is a more candid look at things instead of just my downtime activities.  This is a true story- I was hanging out with 3 friends last night, hungry as hell, when Julie & Julia (Meryl Streep’s Julia was interesting, Julie was insufferable- despite Amy Adams looking adorable) was put in.  As if it needs saying, don’t show a hungry person a food movie while you yourself are eating.  Well, the DVD player couldn’t read the disc for but part of a second and I immediately started focusing all my energies on it not working.  If I got distracted it’d work, but I mentally was, within a minute, able to make it stop working, at which time I left and obtained grub.  I mentally broke the movie for the night.  It’s logical and totally true.

12/16/2009, 5:16 pm: Syfy’s Ghost Hunters is awesome.  I’d love to be a paranormal investigator but I know some stuff is real, and that would put me on end with a quickness.  And I’d need to duct tape my weiner and butt to ensure maintained dignity.

12/16/2009, 5:35 pm: This Ghost Hunters‘ case at the Benton House community center in Chicago, IL, has an unbelievably cute chick being liaison to the TAPS team.  Angela Dedenbach, you’re not my usual flavor of beautiful but I want you.  Call me.  Or leave a comment here.

12/16/2009, 6:00 pm: I haven’t had a single bit of food today.  I’m starved, I know, but I feel fine, and this happens somewhat often to me.  Anyone else out there deal with this?

12/16/2009, 6:14 pm: I think I will order a pizza, though I’m really not sure what varietal to get.  I usually go for hand tossed crust, and topping wise I usually get pepperoni and pineapple with extra sauce.  I usually order from Papa Johns, and while they currently have an XL 3 topping for $11.99 I think I want one from my local bar / pizzeria.

12/16/2009, 6:55 pm: I’m out to eat pizza and drink beer.  I shouldn’t spend the money but lol

12/16/2009, 9:18 pm: I ran errands for my mom before I could eat, but I finally did, and did so with great garlic knots, two hot black women wanting my convo, and great beer.  Nothing special, but nice times.

12/16/2009, 10:03 pm: Crap, I forgot to post this.  Okay, I hope you have enjoyed an extended look at my mind/life (#6 will really be the start of good stuff), and really hope my Killian’s gets cold, quickly.

"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..."

I know this is the week of James Cameron’s Avatar and I know you’re probably expecting me to shoot off a few more posts about it (and that crappy marketing campaign.) But I really think there is nothing more to say about that film… without actually seeing it. So, in honor of that other J.C. whose birthday most of us will be celebrating, one way or another, sometime next week, I’ve decided to compile a list of my favorite holiday movies. I don’t think there’s an order to these…

Die Hard. Just watched it last night… This classic stars Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman and – unquestionably — kicks ass. If you haven’t seen it… well, I don’t know why you’re reading this blog. And yes: it is a Christmas movie. The terrorist take over the building on Christmas Eve… and only two people can save the day: Jesus Christ himself (but I guess he’s off doing other things) or John McClane, a NYPD detective who just so happens to be visiting his estranged wife that very night, in that exact building. Awesomeness ensues. Contrary to what some people think (mainly a confused coworker of mine who once told me Kiss Kiss Bang Bang was a good movie – if you’re reading this, dude, you owe me the ten bucks I spent on that dvd) the movie has held up rather well over time. Sure it has the look and feel of mid-80s cinema… but is that so wrong? If you think about the film as a period piece, it’s completely acceptable.

Favorite scene: When McClane sends the dead-baddie down in the elevator with the note written on his chest: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho-Ho-Ho.” (see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KShj0gPAH0g . Why the little shit has the embed option disabled is beyond me… but I’m over it.) Though the scene where he throws the C-4 plastic explosive down the elevator shaft is pretty awesome as well.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. This classic stars Chevy Chase and has to be the funniest, legitimate Christmas movie, at least that I can think of. The story is simple, the Griswolds celebrate Christmas, but the laughs are many. I actually haven’t seen this movie in years but I feel it probably holds up rather well. If the film has a downside its that it makes you miss Chevy Chase… what the hell happened to his career?!

Favorite Scene: When the SWAT team storms the house… all to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry. Haha. Love it.

Gremlins. Another non-traditional but totally Christmas-based classic. Steven Spielberg produced, Chris Columbus written, and Joe Dante directed, this film hits the spot. It’s comedy. It’s horror. It teaches kids how to responsibly own animals. If this film has a downside… it’s that I now hate each of the filmmakers listed above – Spielberg: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull; Columbus: Bicentennial Man; Dante: Gremlins 2 (he frustrates me to the most. I loved Innerspace!)

Favorite Scene: Phoebe Cates (the hot) explains how she found out there was no Santa Claus. The story is completely random, it rambles on, and it ends up having one of the best dark comedy punch lines ever. Brilliant.

Scrooged. This classic (in my mind at least) stars Bill Murray, is directed by Richard Donner (who also directed Lethal Weapon, another Christmas classic close to being on this list), and is a simple retelling of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Hmm.  Seems as though the ‘80s were full of dark comedy Christmas movies, a genre that seems to have entirely disappeared. Anyway, in Scrooged you have classic Bill Murray, the biggest, most sarcastic ass of them all. What more do you need?

Favorite Scene: The part where Bill Murray… does something… funny…. Ah, hell. I don’t know. Here’s a clip from Elf instead:

So, what have I forgotten?  Let’s hear it…

…är ingen jul alls.

Ville bara säga det.

There is a scene in Bob Clark’s “A Christmas Story” (1983) where our hero, Ralphie, and his friends are having an increasingly serious debate about the effects of licking a frozen telephone pole.  One kid, Scwartz, says his dad said your tongue would stick to it.  The other, a know-it-all called Flick, says, well, what does your dad know.  There is only one way to find out.  ‘I dare you,’ Scwartz says to Flick.  ‘I… triple… dog… dare… you.’  Stunned silence.  The boy has no choice now.  By the time he has unstuck himself, the police and fire services have turned up.

As a portrait of childhood – though I don’t know what it’s like to grow up in small-town America in the 1940s, when the movie is set – there is some truth and wisdom to “A Christmas Story”.  It’s not schmaltzy in the slightest, focussing itself entirely on Ralphie’s view of the world and his current driving obsession: the ‘Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!’ (With a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.)  But this, his ideal Christmas present, won’t be easy to obtain: he has to hint to his parents, but not overplay his hand; he sees a ‘What I want for Christmas’ school essay as an opportunity and, ultimately, goes to see the Head Honcho himself, Santa Claus.

I don’t remember ever wanting a BB gun for Christmas, but I do remember the excitement leading up to Christmas, the anticipation and restless nights, and ultimately the ‘unbridled avarice’ of Christmas morning.  We see Christmas, and family life, from Ralphie’s point of view, while hearing his narration as an older man – voiced by Jean Shepherd, upon whose semi-autobiographical stories the movie is based – but there’s no hint of condescension.  Shepherd’s narration is key to the movie because it actually remembers the excitement attached to that BB gun.

“A Christmas Story” in general is, I think, an exercise in tone; it’s easy to see how easily the movie could be forgetable and dull.  But it gets everything exactly right; there are perfect little observations about the parents, the attitudes of adults to kids (all Ralphie ever hears is ‘You’ll shoot your eye out!’), and the ways that kids can wise up to the way grown-ups operate, for instance providing tears if necessary to help your case.  Bob Clark didn’t really direct any other movies of note, and he directed some of considerably less than note, for instance “Baby Geniuses.”  And “Baby Geniuses 2″.  At one time he had the fairly unique distinction of having a movie on both the IMDB Top 250 movies (“A Christmas Story”) and the IMDB Bottom 100 movies (currently “Baby Geniuses 2″ sits atop the list, making it by consensus the worst movie of all time; “A Christmas Story” has, rather sadly, dropped out the top 250 although perhaps its rating spikes every Christmas Eve).  As Orson Welles said of people who can never follow up a great movie: ‘well, you only need one.’  He would know.

***

As a fairly grumpy bastard there isn’t much that really puts me in the Christmas spirit – I tend to think for most secular families the loss of the ‘Christmas spirit’ is a dampening of that ‘unbridled avarice’ celebrated in “A Christmas Story,” therefore not an altogether bad thing.  But every year, every Christmas Eve, likes millions of other people, I watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” (1946) and I am uplifted.  It is the only movie I have such a ritual for and I refuse to watch it any other time of year.  It isn’t universally loved amongst critics – while Mark Kermode places it second on his list of the greatest movies ever, Pauline Kael called it ‘doggerel trying to pass as art’ – but it’s on a pretty short list – “The Wizard of Oz” is another – of truly beloved and persistently popular movies made in Hollywood’s Golden Age.

James Stewart had already worked with Frank Capra in “Mr Smith Goes to Washington,” but it’s in this movie that he tapped into, or at least brushed against, Stewart’s potential for darkness and inner turmoil, later exploited so brilliantly by Alfred Hitchcock.  As with “The Shawshank Redemption,” another sleeper hit morality tale with cult status, people carry the happiest moments around with them so long that when they sit down to watch the movie they’ve forgotten the despair that precedes them.  It’s about an hour and a half into “It’s A Wonderful Life” before Clarence the angel makes an appearance, by which point George Bailey (it’s one of the few movies people know just from the character names) has been driven to the brink of suicide.  The movie has entered into public consciousness and pop-culture reference; I recall an episode of “Beavis & Butthead” where the boys were shown a vision of how happy everyone would be if they’d never been born.

***

I think it’s generally accepted, certainly by American standards, that those are the two definitive Christmas movies.  Both have been voted Best Christmas Movie ever, and both remain popular classics.  There is a channel on American TV that shows “A Christmas Story” on repeat all day on Christmas.  You can still usually find cinemas playing “It’s A Wonderful Life” at Christmas, even the occasional multiplex.  But Christmas movies can be quite a personal thing; we might associate things with Christmas that are personal only to us.  So favourite Christmas movies can cover a broad range of movies, including:

“Scrooge” (1951)/”A Muppet Christmas Carol” (1992)

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I love Alistair Sim, and his remains the definitive performance as Scrooge (which reminds me, both “Scrooge” and “It’s A Wonderful Life” are sometimes shown in colourised versions: avoid).  But the Muppet version is the one I watched most often as a kid – so often that my videotape is no longer watchable – and enough kids who insisted upon watching it every Christmas have grown up now for it to be entered into the Classic Christmas Movies canon, I think.  Michael Caine is Scrooge, and he holds his own against the likes of Kermit and Miss Piggy, Fozzy Bear and Gonzo the Great, who plays Charles Dickens, a role he was clearly born to play.  The songs are fun too, except ‘The Love Has Gone,’ a corny love song that as kids we used to enjoy fastforwarding; the DVD puts an end to this family tradition by simply cutting said scene out.

“Die Hard” (1988)

‘Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho.’  Those words aren’t spoken by Bruce Willis’s John McClane; rather they are  read aloud by Alan Rickman’s oily, sinister and quite brilliant Hans Gruber, when he receives McClane’s note.  I submit that the real reason that “Die Hard” is, slightly perversely, thought of nowadays as a Christmas movie isn’t that it’s set at Christmas, during a Christmas party and with a Christmas song over the credits.  Rather it might be the fact that the villain is straight out of pantomime; he’s a modern pantomime baddie, true, or maybe post-modern, since we love him.  None of the subsequent “Die Hard” movies had villains half as good as Rickman-Gruber, who looks upon everybody as if they both amuse and annoy him.  Bruce Willis is his perfect nemesis, smashing through the window of the Nakatomi Plaza like Santa Claus with automatic weapons.

“Gremlins” (1984)

The curious thing about the first “Gremlins” is that, though we might forget, it works as a horror movie.  It’s actually kinda creepy, particularly towards the start.  It’s not until the Gremlins start hanging out in the bar that we really start to like the little buggers; it’s typical of Joe Dante’s slightly perverse nature of filmmaking that he would let the movie work on two levels like that.  The sequel was a comedy-horror, which is to say a comedy in the guise of a horror movie, but this really does work on both levels and that’s pretty rare.  The Christmas setting is the perfect backdrop for the movie’s dark humour, and this might be the best Christmas movie for people who don’t like Christmas, and can identify with the anarchic spirit of the Gremlins.

Some people’s choices are more obscure still; I’ve seen people reference “Eyes Wide Shut,” set at Christmas time, and “Brazil.”  Like “Die Hard,” “Lethal Weapon” is another popular action flick set at Christmas.  Bob Clark, who made “A Christmas Story,” also made “Black Christmas,” an X-mas slasher flick (recently, like all ’70s horror movies,  remade).  “Home Alone” remains the most successful family movie ever made, and stands up pretty well along John Hughes’s other work.  Some people find the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter movies Christmassy, primarily I imagine because they have generally been released at Christmas.  However Christmas releases are more to do with marketing than good will to all men.  “Batman Returns” is set at Christmas and is the most beautiful of the Batman movies, and also the most baffling.  Terry Zwigoff’s “Bad Santa” is another anti-Christmas-cheer movie; enough people are cynical about Christmas now that there are movies to cater for them.  I tend to think of “A Nightmare Before Christmas” as more of a Halloween movie, although either way it’s brilliant.

It’s hard to think of the worst Christmas movie ever as most Christmas movies are pretty awful, but I submit that the worst I’ve sat through is:

Ace Ventura, what hast thou done?

This is a bit of a continuation of my novel, so if you haven’t read Rorschach’s Ribs this delightful holiday story might not make a lick of sense. A print version of this book is now available to purchase.

Shitz was a very good salesperson. His official job title before the layoffs was “Account Executive” but it all boiled down to sales. He never took no for an answer. Eventually, most people would say yes.

His powers of persuasion got me into a lot of trouble growing up.

It was this power of persuasion that got me out of the warm confines of my flat against my better judgement on the coldest day of the year. I hadn’t seen the sun in weeks, and all the gray was taking its toll. I found myself slipping into hibernation mode. I started wearing flannel pajama bottoms at all hours of the day. I usually found myself closing out the night on the couch, under three Mexican blankets leftover from my hippie phase, listening to holiday music while watching a random Christmas movie with the sound off.

This is exactly what I was doing when Shitz burst into my living room from our shared balcony.

“Get dressed. I need a drink. Let’s go to Sal’s and tie one on.”
“I’ll pass, Shitz. I’m comfortable right here,” I said pulling the blankets over my head.
“Bah. Humbug. You need to get out of the house, buddy. More importantly, I need to get out of the house, so chop-chop.”
“Don’t make me put on pants, Shitz,” I started.

I wasn’t really opposed to going to Sal’s, but my budget was tightening, and I needed to save some money for Christmas presents for the fam.

“The place is going to be packed with post-nukes anyway. They’re all back from college on winter break,” I argued.

The holiday season brought the post-nuclear generation out in hordes. They all came home from school for the holidays, free from the burden of homework and tests, happily devoid of jobs. The holiday post-nukes were much worse than the regular ones. The girls wooed a little louder, and the guys high-fived and gave out their platonic man-hugs more frequently.

“It’s still early, Esch,” Shitz reasoned, as he shifted into salesman mode. “We can be there and gone before they even show up.”
“It’s cold out there,” I countered.
“It’s cold in here, Esch.”
“I’m broke.”
“I’ll buy. C’mon, Esch, it would be rude not to.”

And that was that. I put on some pants, and grabbed my new used coat from the thrift store. It was brown and corduroy with a thick wool lining. It was much warmer than my last coat.

I hated letting Shitz buy me a drink, at least under these circumstances. I hated getting handouts from anyone, outside of the government, and even in that case, I’d have rather just had a damned job.

It did mean a lot to know my friends enjoyed my company so much that they were willing to pay my way now again. It’s always nice to know you’re loved.

I never asked for it, though.

At five o’clock in the evening, Sal’s was back to the way it used to be—dark and empty, save for a few regulars sitting at the bar drinking Busch and Sal, still wearing his Santa hat, leaning against the bar.

Behind him, all-Rat Pack renditions of holiday favorites danced out from the CD player. Another Escher original.

It was better than a boring old Christmas card.

The Post-Nuclear generation wouldn’t roll in for a few more hours.

“For fuck’s sake. I can’t escape it, no matter where I go,” Shitz said as Frank Sinatra sang a drunken-jazzy version of “Away in a Manger”.
“Jesus, Scrooge. What’s your deal?” I asked, setting down my pint. “I mean, look at me. I’m probably the most bitter, cynical, angry old son of a bitch you know…”
“True, true,” Shitz agreed as I continued.
“I hate pretty much everything most of the time. But even I like Christmas. Even I’m doing my best to find some Christmas spirit.”
“No you’re not.”
“I’m not?”
“No. You only think you are. You’re not buying into the Christmas spirit. You’re buying into the commercialism of the Christmas spirit,” Shitz said, stealing my last cigarette.
“Is that right…” I asked, somewhat defensively.
“That’s right,” he said, taking a drag. “You don’t give a damn about peace on earth or good will to men. You’re all about the shallow stuff. Christmas songs and holiday specials—it’s all a bunch of crap that someone’s making money off of. That’s not the Christmas spirit. It’s just cheerful consumerism.”

He was probably right, but I wasn’t ready to entertain that thought. Instead, I fell back on my standard argument.

“Why do you hate Christmas so damned much, Shitz?”
“I have my reasons.”
“I’d love to hear them,” I said reaching across the table, grabbing my cigarette out of Shitz’ mouth.
“Do you really want to know?”
“I do, Shitz. Tell me a story.”
“Alright, fine. Let me go get us fresh pints, and then Uncle Shitz will tell you a story.”

Shitz was gone for what felt like an eternity. I was dying to find out why he hated Christmas so much. When he returned, beer slopping over the side of the pint glasses as he set them down, he cleared his throat, and began.

“The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was eight years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer.” Shitz paused for dramatic effect. “Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart.”

I was riveted to the edge of my seat. I’d known Shitz since junior high, and I’d never heard this story before. Yet somehow, it seemed familiar.

“It was snowing outside,” Shitz continued, The house was freezing, so I tried to light up the fire place. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top, and me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney, his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly.” Shitz took a solemn drink of Irish stout. “And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

I sat there, dumbfounded for a moment.

“Jesus, Shitz. That’s horrible. No wonder you hate Christmas,” I said. I could feel my heart breaking for him a little.

And then it occurred to me:

“Wait a minute. Your father isn’t dead. I saw him two weeks ago when he came over to help you fix the washing machine.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Esch,” Shitz said, feigning a sarcastic innocence.
“Like hell you don’t,” I responded. “You just recited Phoebe Cates’ big dramatic monologue from the movie Gremlins, didn’t you?”
“I might have.”
“Wow. You are something else, Shitz,” I said, shaking my head.
“Hey, give me some credit, at least I referenced a Christmas movie. Besides, I had you going for a second.”
“Gremlins is not a Christmas movie, and you didn’t have me fooled. I was being nice.”
“Bullshit,” Shitz said. “Gremlins happens during Christmas.” He finished his pint and slammed the empty glass down, exclaiming, “Christmas movie. Now let’s go get a chili-dog–I’m starving.”

I finished my beer and we headed back out into the cold, across the street and over to 7-Eleven for chili-dogs and cigarettes. On our way back, I noticed ole’ Homeless Moses poking through another dumpster in the alley behind the bar. He was still wearing his threadbare slacks and ugly, polyester shirt, but the coat I gave him was missing.

“I’ll meet you at home,” I said to Shitz as I turned and headed towards Moses. “Hey, man. Where’s the coat I gave you?” I asked in a mildly peeved tone.

Moses pointed down the alley to a scrawny man climbing into the dumpster behind the pizza place next to Sal’s. He was wearing my coat.

“He needed it more than me,” Moses said in a low, gravelly voice that was somehow rich and warm. He smiled.

I handed him my chili-dog and unzipped my coat. I took it off and gave it to him, then headed home, ready to ditch my pants in favor of elastic waistbands and flannel, ready to pass out under the warm covers on my couch.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Don’t get them wet. Don’t feed them after midnight. And never, ever put them in the microwave. Unless they have just thrown gingerbread men at you.

A while ago on RvR, Ross McD tried to argue that horror and comedy can’t mix, that the pair are reluctant bedfellows. He has obviously not watched Gremlins recently. Joe Dante’s terrific 1984 film is that rare beast – a movie that entertained you when you were a kid that still retains its brilliance when you watch it 25 years later. This scene, in which Lynn Peltzer (Frances Lee McCain) does battle with the nasty little creatures in her home, contains all the elements that make Gremlins a classic.

The sound of Johnny Mathis singing quite a creepy Christmas song soon gives way to Jerry Goldsmith’s spine-tingling score, as Mrs Peltzer realises that there is a really foul smell coming from her kitchen. The genius of Gremlins is that it scares you while making you chuckle. This is the first time in the movie we get a good view of what Mogwais look like after they’ve had late-night chicken, and they are pretty frightening. There is, however, great comedy to be had from mutilating them with various home appliances.

There are so many great touches here: the shadow of the Gremlin on the wall, the headless gingerbread man and the neat slasher movie reversal that has us fearing for Mrs Peltzer – even though she is the one stalking the house armed with a knife.

In the first draft of Chris Columbus’s script, this scene was much darker. Mrs Peltzer was decapitated by a Gremlin and her head rolls down the stairs to greet her son Billy when he arrives on the scene. But the filmmakers eventually decided not to turn Gremlins into an all-out horror fest. Despite the slight lightening in tone to make it a PG movie, the microwave shot in this scene proved crucial (along with the dark material in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom) in persuading US censors that a new certificate was needed, leading to the creation of the PG-13 rating.

McCain’s performance is just terrific, her sweaty brow and her steely glare conveying the perfect combination of fear and defiance. Her cry of ‘Get out of my kitchen!’ is up there with Harrison Ford’s ‘Get off my plane!’ You can’t help but cheer her on as she wipes out the green meanies. And who would have thought someone called McCain could be so handy with a microwave?

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SCENE FROM GREMLINS?

GREAT SCENES ARCHIVE

“They’re watching Snow White. And they love it.”

I can only imagine what it must have been like growing up in the ’80s, when Steven Spielberg was making it his business to not only direct kickass movies, but produce them, too. In the span of four years he produced POLTERGEIST, GREMLINS, BACK TO THE FUTURE, and THE GOONIES. These kinds of movies just don’t exist anymore: PG-rated movies that work for all ages, and in the cases of POLTERGEIST and GREMLINS, freak kids the fuck out.

GREMLINS is a curious movie. Structurally it’s kind of similar to BACK TO THE FUTURE. It follows a frustrated young man living in a small town who ends up with a big problem caused by something introduced to him by a wacky inventor, and it’s up to him to set things right. Zach Galligan, who I’ve never seen in anything else, stars as Billy, who works in a bank, drives a crappy car, and understandably has a crush on his super hot co-worker and friend played by Phoebe Cates. His dad (the wacky inventor) finds a furry little creature in a store in Chinatown and gives it to Billy as an early Christmas present.

As I’m sure everyone knows, since the movie’s been out for twenty-five years, the creature (a mogwai named Gizmo) comes with three rules: no bright light, no water, and no feeding after midnight (also Barney Stinson’s rules for handling women).  As one would imagine, Gizmo gets wet and produces more mogwais, then those get fed after midnight and before you know it the town is overrun with evil little monsters.

GREMLINS is a lot of fun, but it’s held back from being truly great by a few big issues. Joe Dante, the director, is clearly more interested in the gremlins than the human characters. During the second act the plot just kind of stalls out while we have scene after scene of gremlins terrorizing people. Don’t get me wrong, these scenes are a blast, but the two leads get a bit lost in the shuffle. For that matter, Galligan is a pretty bland lead. One of the reasons BACK TO THE FUTURE is such a fantastic movie is that Marty McFly stays front and center throughout the whole story. Michael J. Fox is a perfect lead, and manages to never be overshadowed by the special effects. Was the human side in GREMLINS handled better and given more attention (and this goes back to the script as well) it might have become a movie comparable to the best Spielberg productions.

Speaking of the script, it blows my mind that it was written by Chris Columbus. This is the man who cemented his reputation as the go-to guy for safe family movies. He directed two of the pivotal films from my childhood (HOME ALONE and its first sequel) and was the first guy to take on the Harry Potter franchise, directing what are commonly considered the two boring installments. Considering this, it’s odd to think that he wrote a screenplay like GREMLINS, especially when you know how much more twisted the original script was. Originally, Gizmo turned into the main villain of the movie, leaving no cute mogwai remaining. The gremlins ate Billy’s dog and, in a sequence I can’t possibly imagine getting anything but an R, cut off the head of his mother and tossed it down the stairs as he entered his house. As much as I kind of want to see the latter scene (as well as one where the Gremlins eat all the people in a McDonald’s but leave the burgers untouched), the right decision was made. There were apparently a lot of drafts, and I don’t know if this is the writer or director’s fault, but a lot of plot threads seem to go nowhere. Judge Reinhold is introduced early on and then never seen again. The romance between Billy and Kate (Cates) never gets a resolution beyond the inevitable kiss in the third act. Even Corey Feldman just disappears. It felt like it could have used another draft to tighten things up, either that or the editor was a bit too brutal in his cutting.

I hate to admit it, but this is the only one of Dante’s films I’ve seen. I’ve read a lot about the others, and there seems to be a sense mischievous glee apparent in his filmmaking. Similar to what I said about John Landis a few days ago, Dante’s main focus seems to be having fun, and things like thematic cohesion can be overlooked if it’s going to lead to something he finds entertaining. I’m thinking of the scene where Kate tells the story of why she doesn’t like Christmas (If you haven’t seen it, no way am I ruining it). It’s so dark compared to everything else that it’s often criticized of being out of place, but personally, I think it fits in perfectly with the intentionally clashing sensibilities of the film. Roger Ebert opens his review with, “GREMLINS is a confrontation between Norman Rockwell’s vision of Christmas and Hollywood’s vision of the blood-sucking monkeys of voodoo island,” and he’s spot-on. The town, shot on the same Universal backlot as BACK TO THE FUTURE, looks like a picturesque American small town at Christmas, and Dante goes out of his way to subvert this iconography as much as possible.

Jerry Goldsmith’s score might be my favorite of his career. The main theme is catchy, sinister, and funny at the same time. I love the way he inserts the melodies of classic Christmas songs throughout the score, but alters just a note or two to give it an offbeat sound. The third act of the film is a lot of fun, particularly the scene of the Gremlins watching SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS in a movie theater, and the finale, which takes place in that perfect location for showdowns, the department store.

I can’t finish this without addressing the wonderful gremlin effects. Gizmo is really an amazing creation. He’s really not much different from a Furby, but manages to avoid the whole creepy factor and just remains adorable and expressive. There were several points where I thought to myself, “I love ’80s practical effects so much,” specifically the hatching of the gremlin cocoons, the microwave scene, and the fantastically gross climax. I’ve been thinking since then about how the movie would work with CGI, if Warner Bros. decided to make another sequel. I know it’s an idea everyone would immediately reject, but if actually done well it could work. If ILM did PIRATES-level work, making the gremlins actually seem unsettling enough, we’d buy it, but anything less would ruin the effect. Still, nothing can top the animatronics. They just don’t make them like this anymore.

UP NEXT: HOME ALONE (1990). The Christmas movie I grew up with. I have much to say about it.

As befits the approaching holiday season, OP-dEaD will soon pay tribute to Gremlins, Joe Dante’s masterpiece of mid-80s monster mayhem. But for now, we’ll make do with a close cousin: Stephen Herek’s Critters. In the wake of Gremlins’ success, director/co-writer Herek’s inspired debut was probably the only movie to come close in terms of success and relative critical praise. It left comparable, second-rate fare like Ghoulies and Munchies in the dust, and spawned three decent sequels. However, the comparison to Gremlins is a tad unwarranted. For one thing, according to Wikipedia, Critters was in development before its illustrious predecessor. And the similarities between the two are fairly superficial. In my opinion, Critters is more the bastard, spiny-backed offspring of E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial.

The calm before the storm.

Fans know that E.T. started out a very different proposition. The suburban setting was the same, but Steven Spielberg initially envisioned the alien visitors to be downright vicious. In these early stages, his next project after Raiders of the Lost Ark was titled Night Skies. But at some point during pre-production, Spielberg changed his mind and the result was the cuddly little guy who trounced box office records in 1982. Rather than scrap the idea for Night Skies entirely, though, Spielberg got Tobe Hooper on board and the discarded project morphed into Poltergeist, another box office winner from the same year. And as a kind of completely unrelated what if?, Herek served up his mean-spirited space porcupines in 1986.

E.T.? Is that you?

Critters has a simple and wacky setup, as a band of malevolent little creatures escape from a prison asteroid and hightail it to Earth. These fugitives from interstellar law, or “Crites,” have a couple of deadpan bounty hunters on their tails, and the whole thing is obviously played with tongue firmly in cheek. Choice moments include the bounty hunters crashing into a church, a critter’s vain attempt at eating a firecracker, and another one biting the head off of an E.T. doll when it fails to answer him. But the knowing approach doesn’t preclude an affectionate tone, most prominently conveyed here through the likeable Kansas family at the center of the mounting chaos. Herek is clearly fond of his characters (maybe even too fond), and he peppers proceedings with well-judged in-jokes.

This is going to end badly!

Aside from the incident of stuffed alien mutilation, there are many other deliberate echoes of E.T. Dee Wallace Stone, who played the mother in both movies, is the most obvious parallel. Scott Grimes, as the fresh-faced Bradley, tools around on his BMX bicycle, just like Elliot did. And when he ventures out into the mist with his father (Billy Green Bush), it’s hard not to be reminded of all the flashlight action in E.T. Nadine Van Der Velde plays Bradley’s older sister. She’s a bit stuck-up in the early scenes, but we warm to her eventually. Robert MacNaughton had a similar function as the older brother in E.T. The ship in which the critters have escaped, or at least its entryway, is also a clear reference to E.T.’s vessel—albeit much cheaper!

Tonight's forecast: Foggy!

As a dose of 80s entertainment, Critters works a treat. The central family plays it straight, while the bounty hunters, town oddballs and critters provide the comic relief. Tim Surhstedt’s photography lends a lovely golden glow to the daytime scenes, and composer David Newman does a credible John Williams/Jerry Goldsmith pastiche. Things do fall apart toward the end, but not enough to erase a positive impression. Critters is the kind of innocent movie that nobody makes anymore. It’s fun.

They’re apparently on the roof, despite Robin telling them to stay off. Better go deal with them.

Do you ever get sick of watching It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol or being forced into watching The Polar Express? Well never again! It’s the season alright and I’m gonna give you some recommendations of  cool movies you might not know or have forgotten were christmas movies! We will start off with a few that should be easy to sneak into the mix and then get into some that maybe a bit of a more difficult sell. This year the relatives can watch some of these instead!

One of my favs is definately Gremlins! Yeah this is totally a christmas movie and one I never get sick of watching. This will be a pretty easy sell for the whole family since pretty much everyone loves this movie. It’s just that alot of people foget it is indeed a christmas flick!

Want another easy sell? Here’s one, Die Hard. Yeah this is a christmas movie too and one pretty much everyone loves as well. Forget Prancer this year! Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker! 

Here’s the last easy sell, Home Alone. Yeah another one every one loves that’s fun as hell and totally tolerable… 

Ok now here’s a few you maybe able to trick the family into watching just because of the titles. First up is Black Christmas, obviously a christmas movie but better yet one of the best slasher films ever! Plus it has Olivia Hussey in it! Be careful not to get the remake though…

Another one that could be hard to sneak in is Silent Night Deadly Night, but maybe just read aloud the first half of the movies name and mumble the rest?

This one is a great peice of work from 1964! Santa Claus Conquers the Martians will deliver all the goods and the bads too check it out..

The movie Santa’s Slay has been a tradition at my house for the past few years and it’s a damn good time. I even own a copy myself! Even though it stars Bill Goldberg there’s still a good chance your parents will even get into this one…

This British film has an easy enough title to get this on the tube for all the relatives to see! Don’t Open Til Christmas however may have the relatives heading home early though…

Check out the Robert Zemekis collection Tales from the Crypt dvd for this awesome episode, And All Though the House…

Ok last year I did a blog about this awesome movie called Elves that starred Dan Haggerty aka Grizzly Adams! He battles Nazi elves! Need I say more here’s a clip! P.s. this one could be pretty hard to find….

Lastly is Jack Frost. This movie should not be confused with the stupid Michael Keaton movie of the same name, that is unless you are renting it with the family! This won’t be the one they remember but you can always say you thought it was! This killer snowman flick is tons of fun…