We like movies. We love cars. Therefore, it seemed natural to marry the two in what will be the first of an ongoing segment. Apropos of the sinister-looking German “muscle rod” from earlier, we thought it’d be fitting to kick off this inaugural post with the 1970 Chevy Nova from 2007’s Death Proof.

Warning: potentially mature content.

- Gyro

I’m going to do a best of the decade in late December, along with my best and worst of the year. However, as I’ve been useless recently, and Xi and Wolf have got their lists started I thought I’d chip in with my bottom of the decade list.  Which I feel I can do because I don’t think I’ll see anything worse than this lot before the year end.

This isn’t actually as easy as it sounds. Honestly. I had to narrow down a longlist from about 1000 pieces of absolute garbage. To be absolutely fair, I’m going to define the rules first:

1) These are all films without a single redeeming feature

2)These must be films that aren’t just bad but offensively awful and manage to piss me off in some way.

3)No more than one Superhero film can make it- I could quite easily have filled the list with about 10.

4)Only 1 of original and sequels can make it.

5No Platinum Dunes remakes. I could have filled the list with them

Anyhow, criteria defined- here we go. In reverse order:

Dishonourable Mentions:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, The Terminal, Van Helsing, Cabin Fever, Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader, Countless Superhero movies, Watchmen, Transformers, Matrix Sequels, Twilight, Scary Movie 2, Get Over It, The Sweetest Thing, The Last Kiss, Hannibal Rising, The Da Vinci Code, Poseiden, Oceans 12, Rob Schneider’s canon, The Cat in The Hat, Kill Bill 2, The Pirates of The Caribbean Sequels, Shrek 2 and 3, Swordfish,  The Heartbreak Kid, Battlefield Earth, anything with Eddie Murphy/ Martin Lawrence  in a fat suit.

*edit*

Since I wrote this I’ve been reminded of these other stinkers, that are actually worse than DM, but not quite bad enough to make it into the top 10:

Atrocious, but not quite top 10 level

13)9 Songs

Utter shit. Basically, just a slightly more explicit porno than Lust Caution. The reason it loses out to Ang Lee’s magnum snoozefest is that the chick in it shaves her armpits. Mediocre music combined with characters that aren’t so much ciphers as vacuums and the most explicit sex outside of hardcore porn.

To be honest, you’re better off putting on some music you actually like then watching hard core with the sound off.

12) Diary of the Dead

Romero proves Renton right once and for all: “You get old, you cannae hack it any more then you die”. All that’s left is for him to die.

Utterly dreadful, the central character is a complete cunt and he’s not alone. Romero needs to retire. However, like Xi, I’ve got battered wife syndrome with it, and will no doubt watch his next film.

11)Inland Empire

Unwatchable. Like putting your brain in a blender. As much fun as having your nipples electrocuted while some cunt asks for help with The Times crossword. By the end of this pretentious garbage you will be bleeding from the ears and your frontal lobe may have killed itself to relieve the pain.

The 10 Biggest Bags of Shit in the Last 10 Years

1o: Death Proof

Catastrophically dreadful. Completely boring. Totally useless. What the fuck was Tarantino thinking? This was billed as some kind of 70’s Grindhouse experience. It isn’t. What it is is hours and hours of boring self-indulgent women talking Tarantino (proving once again that he can’t write for women) before a ham fisted car chase. However, what makes this film a platinum stinker is that the climax of the film involves Kurt Russel crying.

Go and fuck yourself Quentin, you cunt. This is our Kurt, this is Snake Plissken, Macready, Jack Burton and you’ve made him cry. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your arsehole.

Absolutely unforgivable.

9: Lust Caution

The film that finally confirmed to me that I just don’t like Ang Lee films. A UK critic coined the term “Boredom Porn” to describe it and he’s completely right. It redefines dull for an hour, then there’s some nasty sex between two unlikable twats for an hour. Then it ends.

Dreadful. If you want to watch two people fucking, watch porn. Strictly for people too embarrassed to purchase dirty films. Or for dwarves to small to reach the shelf with real porn on it.

8: 2 Days in Paris

Before Sunrise was wonderful. Before Sunset was even better. This is, however, atrocious. Someone told Julie Delpy that she had some talent for writing, so she rips off those 2 films wholesale. Except for one thing, one tiny, important detail: the characters in those 2 films weren’t complete and utter cunts. Boring exposition following 2 self-indulgent twats around Paris. Julie Delpy’s character in particular is such an obnoxious bitch that I’m amazed he didn’t dump her yonks before the break up at the end.

Seriously, she shows naked pictures of him to her parents. And expects him not to be upset. And as if that wasn’t insulting enough- it turns out this is a picture she takes of all her boyfriends. Cow.

Oh, and there are far too many gratuitous cock shots of Goldberg.

7: Hostel

A plague on torture porn. This is, in my opinion, the absolute worst of a genre that frequently rips up the bottom of the barrel and then burrows towards the Earth’s core. The whole plot is simple: unlikable assholes get tortured to death in Europe. It fails for several reasons but most importantly, that you just don’t care about the people getting tortured. Diabolically bad, relentlessly dull and proof positive that that terminally useless cunt Eli Roth couldn’t direct piss into a urinal without help.

6: Funny Games

Personally, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being told I’m a complete cunt for watching a film by the fucking director of said film. Boring rubbish with delusions of grandeur and a completely pointless remake to boot.

Did I mention that it’s the only film I’ve ever seen to tell me I’m a cunt during the film?

5: Attack of the Clones

There’s been so much written on the Star Wars prequels in general (fuck you Lucas you soulless cunt), and yes, it is true that they do suck and probably did interfere with everyone’s favourite childhood memories. This one however, manages to comfortably be the worst of the 3. There are so many different reasons that this film makes this list, but I’ve included it because it’s the only film that I have ever successfully got my money back from the cinema for. That’s how bad it is- I managed to get Camden Town Odeon to refund me after the film.

And no, the last half an hour of it is not good- unless Yoda bouncing around like a demented ping-pong ball floats your boat.

4: Shrooms

I ACTUALLY OWN THIS PIECE OF SHIT AND CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO THROW IT OUT.

I admit it. I fell for the tag line. I’m a complete and utter cunt.

Dismal, predictable, ridiculous, boring, stupid, annoying, badly written, worse direction and just not scary. For some inexplicable reason they do a “hallucinogen cam” that just induced a migraine in me. If you can’t work out who the killer is within three seconds of turning it on then you should be banned from watching horror films.

Luckily, I saw this after OUTLANDER (motherfuckers), because if I hadn’t then the presence of Jack Huston in Outlander may have stopped me from seeing it. And that would have been tragic.

And now for the top 3 hall of shame:

3: Spider-Man 3

The presence of this film here in absolutely no way validates Superman Returns.

Ouch. This is the 21st Century equivalent of Batman and Robin. To be absolutely honest, it was a toss-up between this and Superman Returns for this spot, but this gets the honour for the following reasons:

1)Dunst sings. Twice

2)Tobey Maguire struts his funky stuff.

3)Tobey Maguire dances.

4)Sandman kills Uncle Ben (nb- I usually don’t give a fuck about abusing funny-book canon, but this was daft)

5)Plotholes you could park the QE2 in.

6)Sympathetic villain that wasn’t sympathetic.

7)Far too much crying.

8)Incomprehensible final fight scene with annoying cut away to reporter telling us what’s going on, as clearly we don’t want to see it in a film called Spider-Man 3. No, we came for the song and dance numbers.

9)For some inexplicable reason Spidey fights a Power Ranger.

10)Butler with the power of Wikipedia who only exists to explain the whole plot to Harry.

I could go on and on with this, but you get the idea. Raimi just clearly didn’t give a toss, and I suspect that it was that massive cunt Arad’s fault for shoe-horning Venom in.

Spider-man 3 is just a shit film, and very, very nearly a franchise killer.

2: Sex and the City

This is actually a contender for number one. Not just a bad film but a truly dreadful effort that reeks of cash in. Who in their right mind wants to follow 4 horrid self-indulgent cows in their various and terminally boring adventures.  Not to mention the fact that the damned thing is over 150 minutes. This film is nothing short of offensive- every male character, bar one that gets appallingly treated by slut in chief, is a complete cunt and don’t get me started on the women.

Bear in mind that nothing of any interest to man or beast happens in that time.

Mrs. Jarv, in a moment of weakness that got her Lovefilm privileges removed for 6 months rented this. Even she admitted it was shit.

1: Alien v Predator: Requiem

Fuck me. Where to begin?

How about this- setting it on Earth in the present day. Or what about the fact that some cunt forgot to turn the lights on when they were shooting? There isn’t a redeeming feature to this fetid pile of garbage.

However, the real reason it’s number 1 in the Hall of Infamy is: The Predalien

Who in their right mind thought this piece of depressing fanboy wankery was a good idea? Who? Tell me, and I’ll feed them their own entrails.

A bad idea, poorly executed and even were the rest of the film as good as Alien (which it isn’t) then this would still be enough to make it the worst film of the last ten years.

However, when you add this little touch to the aforementioned poor effort, then you get what I think is the worst film for the last 20 years.

Alien v Predator: Requiem is a film so bad that it makes Uwe Boll look like Stanley Kubrick.

If anyone wants to give me more suggestions, then I’ll gladly expand this- it’s fun to do and I can summon up some real hatred for a lot of these films.

Cheers

Jarv

]]> http://nightwoodband.com/2009/11/18/in-praise-of-nicolas-cage/ Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:40:02 +0000 nightwoodband http://nightwoodband.com/2009/11/18/in-praise-of-nicolas-cage/

Laura Dern and Nic in Wild at Heart (1990)

Nicolas Cage: while the world laughs, we clap! (Can’t wait to see Bad Lieutenant …Herzog!)

• “Cage has two speeds, intense and intenser. I like both speeds. I find him an intriguing actor because he takes chances. He’s an actor without speed limits. You want an Elvis who parachutes into Vegas? A weatherman whose viewers throw fast food at him? An explorer of the national treasures buried far beneath Washington? He’s your go-to guy.” – Roger Ebert on Knowing (2009), The Chicago Sun Times

First, a highlight reel of respectable films:

• Knowing (2009…totally underrated)
• Matchstick Men (2003)
• Adaptation (2002)
• Bringing Out The Dead (1999)
• Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
  
• Red Rock West (1993)
  
• Wild at Heart (1990)
  
• Vampire’s Kiss (1988)
• Moonstruck (1987)
• Raising Arizona (1987)
• Peggy Sue Got Married (1986)
• Birdy (1984)
• Rumble Fish (1983)
• Valley Girl (1983)

Secondly, a highlight reel of guilty pleasures:

• Ghost Rider (2007. Come ON. A bikeriding skeleton!!!! My bad: a bike riding Nic Cage skeleton!)
• Con Air (1997…this film is an essay in 90’s-era action film cliches)
• National Treasure (2004)
• Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000…thankyouthankyouthankyou! So much material for excellent Nic Cage impersonations. See video below.)

..And, never mind the absolute schlock, all great movie stars have ‘em.

• “I have great affection for Harrison Ford, George Clooney and Brad Pitt. But can they go rockabilly like Nic did in “Wild at Heart?” Not that I liked the movie, but it’s a good question. With him it’s a lion-tamer on a high-wire. Anybody can play the ringmaster.” - Roger Ebert, The Chicago Sun Times“

Nic in Peggy Sue got Married

Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu- a mock trailer shown during the intermission of Grindhouse (2007):

• “There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson and Pacino, usually. How often do you see the name of Nicolas Cage? He should always be up there. He’s daring and fearless in his choice of roles, and unafraid to crawl out on a limb, saw it off and remain suspended in air. No one else can project inner trembling so effectively.” – Roger Ebert on Adaptation (2002), The Chicago Sun Times

Hats off!

Sim, é galhofa pura. Matadores de Vampiras Lésbicas (Lesbian Vampire Killers) vem com vários clichês do cinema trash, desde a tipografia da abertura, passando pelos adolescentes de dezoito anos que são interpretados por atores de trinta até as diversas piadas sexuais do gênero.

A história é simples, um cavaleiro das cruzadas teve o amor da sua vida roubado por Carmilla (Silvia Colloca), a rainha das vampiras lésbicas. Revoltado, o cavaleiro McLaren forja uma espada mágica para acabar com a vampira lésbica, mas antes de ter sua cabeça decapitada, Carmilla invoca uma maldição na linhagem de McLaren e sobre a cidade, que teria todas as suas mulheres, a partir dos dezoito anos, transformadas em vampiras lésbicas. Jimmy (Mathew Horne) é o último da linhagem de McLaren que por manobra do destino, vai passar as férias na tal cidade amaldiçoada e a história se desenrola.

Mesmo com tantos clichês, Matadores consegue se sobressair e ficar bem interessante. Grande contribuição do carisma dos atores, principalmente Fletch (James Corden), o gordinho que só faz gordice e que não está nem aí para derrotar as vampiras e que faz algumas citações nerds. Além de ter uma nerd gostosa, Lotte (MyAnna Buring).

O diretor Phil Claydon, que tem apenas três trabalhos atualmente, deve tomar cuidado com os recursos utilizados como slow motion seguido de fast, que é usado irritantemente em demasia. Ponto positivo para as sutilezas para quem tem o ouvido apurado, como músicas que completam as cenas, ou pequenos efeitos sonoros, que enriquecem o filme. Temos que citar Friday The 13th, seriado dos anos 90 que serviu de inspiração para Supernatural. O filme tem todo o clima do seriado e fica bem colocado na tela grande da sala escura. Matadores me fez lembrar Grindhouse e creio que esse era o objetivo. E claro, um final digno de Van Helsing. Ok, não vou soltar spoiler! Agora nos resta ficar de olho na continuação, Gay Werewolf Killers.

Fica a dica de cinema descompromissado para o final de semana =)

♫ : April March

Now Your Ears Are Ringing
The Birds Have Stopped Their Singing
Everything Is Turning Grey

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=100552480

(Please Cut and Paste.)

Well I must admit I was disappointed, I thought better of him. He usually manages a bit more… well story.

I just didn’t find Death Proof that good. I was aware of the mutterings about it when Grindhouse came out, but I assumed that it was just your standard moans that Tarantino had not pulled another Pulp Fiction out of the bag. Hell who am I to judge, maybe the appalling plot and the inconsistent characterisation were deliberate. At least you knew that the film ‘damage’ was meant to be there, until it went away… then went black and white… and then was suddenly a clean colour print.

I know that the whole point of Grindhouse was to pay homage to the B Movie. But there is making a good tribute and then there is just making a B movie. After all the B is there for a reason.

So my three key questions: Would I watch it again? Would I recommend it to someone else? Will I buy it on DVD?

Well for this film i’m afraid that the answers are as follows: Probably not. Doubt it, No

But hey, that’s just my opinion… Don’t let it stop you

RIVA GIJANTO

Star Trek : New Voyages

Star Trek : The Child

Buck Rogers In The 25TH Century

Virtual Army Experience

Chilli Palmer Photography

George Barris Car Spokesmodel

1) You come off as One-Of –A-Kind, Are you really that unique ?

I would like to think so! I’m different in a lot of ways like anyone would be, but whats different with me, is that i’m real with who i am or wish to be.

2) Explain your involvement in the NEW ‘Star Trek’?

I started as an extra for “Star Trek New Voyages” back in 05. My first time on set was, we were shooting “To Serve All My Days”, which played out nice as i got the name of “Natural faller”, and original character and guest star “Walter Koenig” As “Chekov” joined our set! I continued to play as an extra while multi tasking P.A (Production Assistant), makeup/wardrobe, all of the above, for our “Star Trek”, which again is Internet Based, and Is all Volunteer Work from trekkies all over the state and out of the state!

It was Up untill june 08 where i landed my first acting gig with “Star Trek The Child” As “Ensign Zahra” As The “Communications Officer” on the bridge, i would have that part anytime that “Uhura” original communtcations officer on the bridge, was not able to make it to our set! So i would play her role as my own character, which i did get to pick out my own character name, so it was a neat experience even though it was just a few lines I had a blast!

And through my years as a trekkie i met a few more originals from the original star trek like “Barbera Luna” As “Lt.Marlena Moreau” Played In Our Episode of “Enemy Starfleet”, and “George Takei” As “Lt.Commander Sulu”, and A Few More Originals, And Many Celebrity Faces

3) So, There is a NEW ‘Buck Rogers’?

There Sure Is Only We Are Technically Waiting On The Ok To Have it on Television, Which Wont Be Seen Till Early 2011, But Yes And Even had Originals Like “Gil Gerard As Buck Rogers” And “Erin Gray As Wilma Deering” Play The Parents Of “Buck Rogers Actor Bobby Rice” And Also Erin’s Daughter Samantha Hissong/Gray As Buck Rogers Girl Friend! Its “Buck Rogers In The 25Th Century”! And “Fred Olen Ray” Was The Director!

4) What is the BEST of RIVA, On /Off set ?

I Would Say The Best Of Me Off Set Would Deffinantly Be Hanging Out With My Nefew And 2 Neices When I Can, And My Fiance, And Crochet In the Winter, And Motorcycles In The Summer Ha-Ha! On Set I Deffinantly Try To Keep Things Fresh, Make People Laugh, I Even Do Hair And Makeup For Fun On Set!

5) What is the WORST of RIVA, On/Off set ?

The Worst For Me Off Set Is Depression Of Not Being On Set. And The Worst Of Me On The Set Would Have To Be….NOTHING Ha-Ha

6) One sentence descriptions-Fred Olen Ray_Content, Serious, But Very Outgoing/James Cawley_Very Inspiring, Serious, And True To His Heart!/George Barris__Very Charming, Funny, And All Out Amazing/  Gil Gerard___ Tough, Well Rounded, But Sweetly Sensitive/Chilli Palmer_Fantastic, Fabulous, And Lots Of Serious Fun .

7) What is ‘Virtual Army Experience’ ?

It Was An Event held in Rochester And Also Other Parts Of The State Where People Had The Chance To Play A Live Virtual Game Of The Army Experience, Of Course Its Not The Real Army, But It Gives People Around The World An Idea Of What Soliders Have And Had Gone Through During War, And Also Got To Meet And Talk To A Purple Star Soilder Tommy Reinman Whom Saved His Team During An Ambush In Iraq And Was Shot Many Times, But Saved Everyone! It’s A Great Experience And They Gave Out A Free Computer Game As Well. So Its Great To Show People All Around On What Goes On Before And During War..

Which is better , IN FRONT or BEHIND CAMERA ?

In Front, My Looks Always Speak To People, I Really Try To Push My Emotions Out Through The Camera So People Can See That I’m Not A Fake Person That I Am Truly True To Me And You! PLus Its Super Fun, I’m Always Having Fun And The People That Work With Me Always Have Fun Too, And That’s How I like It!!

9) Wanna talk about tattoos and piercings ?

Ha-Ha, Well I Have 6 Tattoos, A Butterfly Trible On My Lower Back Which Was My First Tattoo, That Was Just A Tattoo I Had Done When I First Turned 18! I Have A ButterFly On Each Breast, And When U Push Them Together They Make One Butterfly, Which Was A Really Neat Idea, Shows How Sensitive I Am, And I Even Named Them Phil And Lil! I Have My Name In Angel Wings On The Back Of My Neck, My Name Means Little Dreamer In Italian And I Never Want Anyone To Forget Who I Am And Also Have My Capricorn Sign On My Left Wrist, I Obviously Like To Show A Little Bit About Me Onto My Skin! And Lastly I Have A Huge Dragon On My Left Arm Which Is A Sleeve That Goes To My Forearm, It Started With A Small Dragon On Top Of My Left Arm Which Represents Strength, And Also My Idol And Inspiration Angelina Jolie When She Had Her dragon On Her Arm, So now I Have A Huge Dragon Undeneath It, I really Love Tattoos.

As For My Piercings Ha-Ha, I Have My Nose, My Ears, My Tongue, And My Nipples Pierced, My Tongue And Nipples Represent My Rebeliousness And Courageness And I Love Them Ha-Ha!

10) Here is that chance to ‘Say Something’, That will be repeated on the Internet Foreverrrr !

Well I really want To Say Is That I Am GreatFul For Everything And Everyone Have And Has Done For Me, i Don’t Have Regrets In The Indusrty, Its Something I Really Want To Succeed In, In My Life. I Certainly Am Multi talented But Taking One Talent At A Time, And Some Day I Hope That Things Go As Planned. I Would Like To Say To Others Is That You Will Have So Much Judgement In Everything You Do, But Take That One Good Comment Out Of A Thousand Bad Comments and Run With It, You Only Need You, To Believe In You, You’ll Have Many That Will Be Jealous And Not Understanding, But If You Have A Dream, Then Make It Reality, You Only Have “One Life To Live” “So Live Your Life Like Your Dreams”!! And Thank You Very Very Much!! MUAH

Nach dem grandiosen Erfolg seines Fake Trailers in Grindhouse, hat sich Robert Rodriguez an die Arbeit gemacht, um den Fans das zu geben, was sie wollen: MACHETE. Danny-Die-Coolste-Killermaschine-Trejo trifft in der Verfilmung auf Steven-Ich-Hab-Nur-Einen-Gesichtsausdruck-Seagal. Der weitere Cast ist auch nicht von schlechten Eltern: Robert-Ich-Bin-Der-Beste-Schauspieler-DeNiro, Lindsay-Halb-Lesbisch-Halb-Drogenabhängig-Lohan, Michelle-Roarrrr-Rodriguez, Don-Coolster-Cop-Johnson und Cheech-War-Mal-Der-Welt-Grösster-Kiffer-Marin. !!!UPDATE: Tom-Ich-Bin-Die-Coolste-Horror-Make-Up-Sau-Savini ist auch dabei:

Ja da lacht das Fanboyherz. Und jetzt noch eine weitere Nachricht. Jessica-Ich-Hab-In-Sin-City-Allen-Den-Kopf-Verdreht-Alba schwingt Ihre sexy Hüften im Takt zu Machetes fallenden Munitionshülsen.

Hier das erste Poster:

Achtung Spoiler!!!! Hier die Synopsis:

Machete (Danny Trejo) a renegade former Mexican Federale, roaming the streets of Texas after a shakedown from drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal). Reluctantly, Machete takes an offer from spin doctor Benz (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate McLaughlin (Robert De Niro) a corrupt Senator. Double crossed and on the run Machete braves the odds with the help of Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), a saucy taco slinger, Padre (Cheech Marin) his “holy” brother, and April (Lindsay Lohan) a socialite with a penchant for guns. All while being tracked by Sartana (Alba), a sexy ICE agent with a special interest in the blade slinger.

Und sollte wirklich einer von euch Lesern den Fake Trailer während dem Grindhouse Film nicht gesehen haben. Kein Problem.

Hier kommt MACHETE:

Sim, é galhofa pura. Matadores de Vampiras Lésbicas (Lesbian Vampire Killers) vem com vários clichês do cinema trash, desde a tipografia da abertura, passando pelos adolescentes de dezoito anos que são interpretados por atores de trinta até as diversas piadas sexuais do gênero.

A história é simples, um cavaleiro das cruzadas teve o amor da sua vida roubado por Carmilla (Silvia Colloca), a rainha das vampiras lésbicas. Revoltado, o cavaleiro McLaren forja uma espada mágica para acabar com a vampira lésbica, mas antes de ter sua cabeça decapitada, Carmilla invoca uma maldição na linhagem de McLaren e sobre a cidade, que teria todas as suas mulheres, a partir dos dezoito anos, transformadas em vampiras lésbicas. Jimmy (Mathew Horne) é o último da linhagem de McLaren que por manobra do destino, vai passar as férias na tal cidade amaldiçoada e a história se desenrola.

Mesmo com tantos clichês, Matadores consegue se sobressair e ficar bem interessante. Grande contribuição do carisma dos atores, principalmente Fletch (James Corden), o gordinho que só faz gordice e que não está nem aí para derrotar as vampiras e que faz algumas citações nerds. Além de ter uma nerd gostosa, Lotte (MyAnna Buring).

O diretor Phil Claydon, que tem apenas três trabalhos atualmente, deve tomar cuidado com os recursos utilizados como slow motion seguido de fast, que é usado irritantemente em demasia. Ponto positivo para as sutilezas para quem tem o ouvido apurado, como músicas que completam as cenas, ou pequenos efeitos sonoros, que enriquecem o filme. Temos que citar Friday The 13th, seriado dos anos 90 que serviu de inspiração para Supernatural. O filme tem todo o clima do seriado e fica bem colocado na tela grande da sala escura. Matadores me fez lembrar Grindhouse e creio que esse era o objetivo. E claro, um final digno de Van Helsing. Ok, não vou soltar spoiler! Agora nos resta ficar de olho na continuação, Gay Werewolf Killers.

Fica a dica de cinema descompromissado para o final de semana =)

Ya hablé sobre esta cinta en artículos anteriores, estaba realmente ansioso por echarle un vistazo, no se, pintaba de puta madre, Tarantino, Carradine, Madsen,  Harleys, 1%, mujeres explosivas hambrientas de sexo y drogas, violencia…

La dirige Larry Bishop, el tío conocido entre mi grupo de amigos como: “El señor eres más inútil que un culo en el codo”,  hijo del actor Joey Bishop y también actor, dirigió “Encantado de Matarte” una película que a mi personalmente me gusta bastante, al enterarme de este proyecto de Bishop y habiendo visto anteriormente su opera prima, pensé que podía ser una muy buena experiencia cinematográfica… me equivoque.

SINOPSIS: Narra la historia de Pistolero, The Gent y Comanche, quienes comenzarán una caza contra los 666ers, un grupo de motoristas rivales que han asesinado a Cherokee Kisum, la novia de Pistolero.

Bueno, eso sería a grandes rasgos la sinopsis, pero solo a grandes rasgos. No se muy bien como empezar a hablar de la película, quizás, empecemos por una pregunta: ¿Por qué Quentin solo produce mierdas de segunda? Hagamos una retrospectiva, veamos que basuras ha producido el señor Tarantino. Tenemos por un lado las terribles secuelas de “Abierto hasta el amanecer”, que en cierto modo estaba casi obligado a producir.  Luego tenemos “Tú asesina, que nosotras limpiamos la sangre” (nombre más propio del gordo Almodóvar) cortometraje que convirtió en largo y seamos sensatos, no le salió demasiado bien. Y por último  la saga de “Hostel”, que en fin, solo tenéis que buscar mi opinión en el blog. Ha producido más pero yo hablo de las películas de segunda que por alguna extraña razón a él le parecen acojonantes. Hell Ride me parecía un proyecto de lo más ambicioso y daba mi voto de confianza a Tarantino y a su equipo, bueno, en realidad a su equipo no, Michael Steinberg y Shana Stein solo han producido y dirigido mierdas, pero no se, se trataba de una cinta con un ambiente “grindy” de los que me gustan (como ya sabéis soy un enamorado del cine de los 70).

Bueno pues cuando la película empieza, parece que vas a ver una opera “híperviolenta” de moteros genial, pero se convierte en una hora y dieciocho minutos de diálogos completamente absurdos, personajes que van y vienen sin sentido, un Larry Bishop que realmente se pone las botas fornicando con todas las muchachitas pervertidas que salen en la cinta, quizás aprovechando su posición de director y productor, actores de segunda mal aprovechados… en fin, lo que normalmente se llama una puta mierda.

Hablemos de los actores: Larry Bishop, es un tipo que no tiene demasiadas dotes interpretativas, no es malo, pero muy pesado interpretando, de hecho me da la sensación que creó a su personaje, Pistolero, sin demasiadas pretensiones artísticas para que no flojeé su interpretación, que por otra parte acaba siendo nefasta. Este hombre empezó formando pareja cómica con Rob Reiner, actor, escritor, productor y director de películas bastante míticas y que conforman un núcleo contracultural de cierta generación, pelis como: la friki “This is Spinal Tap”, la increíble “La princesa prometida”, el referente humorístico “Cuando Harry encontró a Sally”, la entrañable “Cuenta conmigo” o la inquietante “Misery”… pero Larry pasó completamente desapercibido basando su carrera interpretativa en apariciones estelares en series de los 70 o ya en los noventa, en producciones para la televisión.

Dennis Hopper interpreta a Eddie Zero. No me parece mal que intenten dar una oportunidad a Hopper, porque desde que salió en “Super Mario Bros” interpretando al villano Rey Koopa, no levanta cabeza el hombre. No está mal, pero tampoco esta bien que le dejen interpretar un papel sin explicarle siquiera que hace en la película, porque me da esa sensación, el anciano Hopper se pasea por la película sin pena ni gloria y  dando la impresión que no sabe que hace ahí… Al igual que Carradine, que sinceramente me parece una pena que esa sea una de sus últimas películas, por lo menos no será recordado por interpretar a The Deuce, por que ni siquiera me acuerdo yo, su aparición es como un trozo de pollo enganchado a los dientes, molesto.

No me alargaré mucho más, Vinnie Jones me parece un actor bastante carismático pero limitado a los papeles que hasta ahora está haciendo en cine, no me parece mal y de hecho me gusta, pero hubiera estado de puta madre que en “Hell Ride” por lo menos te den una explicación sensata de quien coño es y porque se encarga de matar a diestro y siniestro a todo el santo mundo. Sigamos con Eric Balfour, un chaval que es de lo mejor de la peli y que espero que haga más trabajos porque realmente tiene potencial, pero precisamente ese es su problema en “Hell Ride”, Bishop no es un buen director de actores y no ha sabido aprovechar a Balfour.  Pasemos a Madsen, a mí Michael Madsen me parece un actor genial, es malo, sin llegar a la altura de Ben Afleck, pero queda la hostia de bien en las pelis que sale y el tipo quiere hacerlo lo mejor posible y se nota que se esfuerza, a destacar en “Hell Ride” su voz (la vi en versión original), más ronca si cabe que en el resto de producciones. Por último hablaremos de Leonor Varela, que interpreta a Nada… sus apariciones en la cinta se basan en follar o intentar follar a Bishop, soltando parrafadas bastante extrañas e incoherentes, y en comportamientos descabellados y que se salen completamente de tono.

La banda sonora se compone de canciones sacadas de otras pelis de motoristas interpretadas por el rey de las bandas sonoras de pelis de motoristas, Davie Allen & the Arrows, siendo aun así bastante regular, destaca la maravillosa “Maggot Brain” de Funkadelic.

Bueno, que voy a acabar que me estoy liando, cuando terminas de ver “Hell Ride” piensas en que coño has visto, si ha merecido la pena perder tiempo en verla y te sorprende bastante porque te das cuenta como te han vendido la moto con trailers cañeros firmados por Tarantino. “Hell Ride” es una visión de las pelis “grindhouse” de motoristas, como hizo Tarantino en “Death Proof” con las pelis “grindhouse” de coches, o Rodriguez con las de zombies,  pero siendo muy, muy poco efectiva, con la narrativa típica de esta clase de películas pero sin transportarte en ningún momento a una sala de cine sucia, ni a ese mundo de violencia “pulp” desmedida, un fracaso por parte de Bishop y de Tarantino.

Lo mejor de la cinta, sin duda, el cartel...

Se me olvidó comentar que a veces resulta patetico como cabalgan en sus motos, parece que el único que sabe montar es Madsen.

Impresionante la moto de Madsen

Hopper volviendo al geriátrico después del rodaje.

Tom Savini

 

Thomas Vincent Savini (born November 3, 1946 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.) is an American actor, stunt man, director, award-winning special effects and makeup artist. He is known for his work on the Living Dead films directed by George A. Romero, as well as Creepshow, The Burning, The Prowler, and Maniac. He directed the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead. Though officially retired from special effects, he has continued to direct, produce and star in several movies. Savini has been known to refer movie make-up effects projects to graduates of his school. He is frequently cast in B-movies, appearing in films such as From Dusk Till Dawn and Grindhouse.

Trivia:

Has his own effects company Tom Savini Ltd.

Is good friends with horror director George A. Romero. The two have worked together on many films.

Turned down Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) to work on The Burning (1981).

Has appeared in both the original and the remake of Dawn of the Dead (1978).

Only man in Hollywood who can claim all four titles of stuntman, make-up artist, actor, and director. Only one man has come close: makeup artist, actor, stuntman Lon Chaney – Tom’s influence and childhood idol.

Is a close friend of stuntman Taso N. Stavrakis.

For his stunt work, his reference is action legend Jackie Chan.

Turned down the chance to direct Pet Sematary (1989).

Has a haunted house, Terrormania, also located in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The students from the classes he has perform and work in the haunted house.

Has a make-up/special effects school in Monesson, Pennsylvania (Douglas School of Business).

Was supposed to play the part of the second biker in Oliver Stone’s U Turn (1997), after Stone saw him in From Dusk Till Dawn (1996). But due to scheduling conflict, Stone cast his producer Richard Rutowski in that part instead.

His role in Sea of Dust (2008) (Prester John) was written by Scott Bunt with Savini in mind.

Vietnam veteran.

Is the only actor to star in three ‘Dead’ films; he first played the role of ‘Blades’, an outlaw biker in Dawn of the Dead (1978) and then in the 2004 remake of Dawn as a County Sheriff. He then reprised his ‘Blades’ role in Land of the Dead (2005), this time as an undead.

Is a skilled fencer.

Was originally supposed to be a special effects make-up artist on Night of the Living Dead (1968), but was drafted to Vietnam just before filming began.

Provided his voice to the horror game “City of the Dead” – a spin-off to George A. Romero’s Dead films, but the game’s distributer Hip Interactive went bankrupt, and the game was never released (2006).

Has a son named Lon and a daughter named Chaney in tribute to his hero Lon Chaney.Huge fan of Professional Wrestling.

Amazon Specials!

Nie wierze, że ktoś dziś (w czasach Tarantino i Rodrigueza), nie wie co to Grindhouse, bądź nie obiło mu się to o uszy. Zamieszcze jednak małe wyjaśnienie, w razie wizyty filmowych ignorantów. 

Terminem “grindhouse” określano kina specjalizujące się w projekcjach niskobudżetowych produkcji klasy B, głównie tzw. exploitation movies . Częstą praktyką, w tego typu kinach, było wyświetlanie dwóch-trzech filmów oddzielonych trailerami kolejnych obrazów zdominowanych przez sex (sexploitation), nazistów (naziploitation) bądź Afroamerykanów (blaxploitation),  a wszystko podane w pięknym wulgarnym, krwawym i przede wszystkim kiczowatym stylu. Tego typu kina zniknęły całkowicie w latach 90. pod wpływem silnego rozwoju rynku kaset video.

Hołd oddany grindhouse’owi przez Tarantino i Rodrigueza (w wiadomej podwójnej produkcji) spowodował powrót tej stylistyki do łask. Rok później pojawił się chociażby wyprodukowany przez Tarantino kiepski biker movie Larry Bishop’a “Hell Ride” (w głownych rolach m.in. Vinnie Jones i Michael Madsen):

Pojawiają się zapowiedzi kolejnych B-class movies. Sam Tarantino i spółka nie chcą poprzestać wyłącznie na “Grindhouse”: Rodriguez bierze się za “Machete” (w obsadzie dodatkowo: Robert DeNiro, Jonah Hill, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Tom Savini i Lindsay Lohan), Eli Roth za “Thanksgiving“, a Quentin podobno chce zrobić remake “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!“.

Poza wspomnianymi produkacjami, zapowiada się prawdziwy wysyp filmów exploitation. Wśród nich napewno należy wymienić wznowienie gatunku blaxploitation, czyli ogromnie wyczekiwany przez redakcje EWTO (okej, napewno przeze mnie) “Black Dynamite” wyreżyserowany i zagrany przez Michael Jai White’a:

Jest też inspirowany m.in. wspomnianym “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” film “Bitch Slap“ o hordzie morderczych panienek (w obsadzie Zoe Bell, czyli pani kaskader z “Death Proof”):

Na trzeci ogień idzie “Run! Bitch! Run!”, czyli gwałt, uczennica szkoły katolickiej i zemsta. Reklamowe hasło mówi samo za siebie: This time payback really is a bitch !

Na sam koniec dwa bonusy: kolaż starych plakatów i trailer “Wrestlera“, który zainspirował mnie do napisania tego posta.

Rodrigo Gudiño (Rue Morgue Magazine, The Facts In the Case of Mister Hollow) is to direct his first feature, Cut Throats Nine.

STYD have the news that Rue Morgue Cinema are behind the remake of the 1972 Spanish/Italian grindhouse western Condenados a vivir. Harvey Keitel (Pulp Fiction, Smoke, Bad Lieutenant, From Dusk Till Dawn and so much more), Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale, Valhalla Rising) and Roy Dupuis (La Femme Nikita).

Cut Throats Nine follows a wagonload of convicts as they travel the northern mountains to carry out their death sentences. Following a surprise attack from a gang of bandits, only the sergeant, his beautiful young daughter and seven of the most sadistic, murderous men alive survive the assault.

Cut Throats Nine is described as a “crowd-pleasing experience that pushes the relatively subdued excesses of both the western and the horror movie into creative new territory.” Now that sounds like my kind of movie.

Great cast, cool story with a grindhouse history to it. Sounds very good indeed. Has a touch of Inglourious Basterds, but sounds as if we would actually see the nastiness they commit in this film. Who else would you like to see in the film playing the rest of the nine?

Cuando Fortuna gira su ruleta es imposible escapar de sus designios por mucho empeño que uno ponga. Y es que sólo así se explica que el destino haya querido colocar al ‘macarra’ Quentin Jerome Tarantino en lo más alto de Hollywood con un cine abiertamente violento y rompedor.

Su primera señal divina llegó con la elección de su nombre de pila, fruto de la devoción que sus padres sentían por uno de los personajes de la serie ambientada en el oeste La ley del revólver. Dos años más tarde aterrizaría en el multicultural South Bay (Los Ángeles) donde recibiría numerosas influencias culturales entre las que no podía faltar el cine, convirtiéndose así en su gran devoción. Es por ello que su primer trabajo no fue otro que el de empleado de un videoclub, Video Archives, el cual transformó a su gusto para hacer de el su propia universidad. Tras numerosos intentos frustrados consiguió que una productora le abalase para rodar, en tan solo un mes, la premiada Reservoir Dogs que le daría cobertura para continuar su carrera.

Durante su estancia en Video Archives, Tarantino visionó miles de cintas de kung fu, western, gore y, cómo no, serie B. Todas ellas fueron la base de su concepto como director, primando el espectáculo y la diversión antes que las formas o el mensaje social. Su búsqueda se centra en conseguir que el espectador nunca se sienta cómodo, obligarle a pensar, a sufrir con escenas grotescas o asfixiantes y hacerle reír a carcajadas. Para ello se basa en un uso del tiempo alterado, la presencia de ultraviolencia, en marcas de la casa como su fetichismo por los pies, su propia participación en el reparto, bandas sonoras inolvidables o planos con actores en constante movimiento. Y es en esto último donde reside su magia ya que sus cintas no destacan por grandes historias, sino por los mejores personajes. El mayor ejemplo de ello es su ópera prima: la historia de un atraco en el que en ningún momento conocemos el robo, el botín o el nombre real de los protagonistas sino que sólo presenciamos el conjunto de traiciones y artimañas que se traen entre ellos.

Todos estos recursos son herencia de las ‘b movies’ de los 70 y 80 en las que las condiciones primarias de rodaje y el tono desenfadado dieron origen a verdaderas obras de arte. Es por ello que su aportación al sector es continua tanto en la producción como realización de cintas del género, así como sus constantes guiños. Su gran homenaje es la película Grindhouse que cuenta con una primera parte basada en el mundo zombie y una segunda como recordatorio de los numerosos asesinos en serie del cine, además de varios ‘fake-trailers’ entre los que destacan Machete y Werewolf Women of the SS que sí que tendrán sus propios largometrajes. En cuanto a la producción, A Band Apart dedica gran parte de su trabajo a cintas de bajo presupuesto como la reciente Hell Ride.

Con cada chorro descontrolado de sangre o comentario subido de tono Quentin Tarantino manda un mensaje de agradecimiento al género que más alegrías y diversión le ha proporcionado. Por ello, cada vez que esto ocurre, el mundo de la serie B se arrodilla ante Fortuna y le pide que, por favor, no mueva su ruleta ni un ápice de donde está.

‘Tis the season! With the end of the decade and Halloween approaching, now’s the best time to torture your soul with the best horror this decade has to offer. Now, please, forgive me. The horror genre, like everything else, is getting blurrier. It’s hard to tell just what exactly is a horror film these days. I attempted to honor the genre, while keeping a clear opinion of what the best are. Enjoy!

10. 30 Days of Night

It was either this or Zombieland. A) You already know and love Zombieland. B) This is a comic site! I have to mention the adaptations when I can. 30 Days of Night could’ve easily been mediocre. An essential part of the book’s success was Templesmith’s art. Having said that, this movie looks pretty damn good. Snow always feels epic. 30 Days of Night is well-acted and well-made. It manages to naturally stretch Niles’ novel, making it, in some ways, better. To those of you who vomit at the sight of sparkly, beautiful teenage vampires, watch 30 Days of Night. These are just about the ugliest vampires ever filmed, and that’s a good thing.

9. Land of the Dead

I would’ve loved to re-watch this one, but I figure I have to get this out before Halloween. Romero’s return wasn’t as earth-shattering as we may have liked, but there’s plenty of merit here. For one thing, Land of the Dead looks great and features actors who can actually act. For another, Romero still manages to scare us with creatures who aren’t all that scary, providing uniquely gory deaths for his decent actors. And what would a Romero Dead flick be without some social commentary? With “Fiddler’s Green,” he managed to capture both the atmosphere of rich nations, who live in luxury while many still live in hell-holes, and of a post-post 9/11 world. While we sit comfortably, discussing American Idol, the evil is still lurking, and, perhaps, evolving.

8. The Mist

Ok, it’s kind of a zombie movie with bugs, but that’s different, right? In fact, thanks to the titular mist, the creatures can be grand and epic, without looking too cheesy. We’ve got some great actors here: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Toby Jones. They help elevate the material. Frank Darabont, the director of The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, completes his King trilogy, and it’s a lot of gruesome fun. This being a comic site, I have to mention Darabont’s Walking Dead TV involvement. If you want to see if he’s right for that adaptation, this movie will give you a clue.

7. 28 Days Later

Again, I would’ve loved to re-watch this. I even rented it, and I will watch it, but I’m a slave to this post. Danny Boyle was a good director before Slumdog Millionaire. I swear he was, and this film is part of the proof. I mentioned in my introduction how the horror genre has gotten blurry. Indeed, this film helped start that, with many rabid fans crying, “These aren’t zombies!” Well, whatever they are, they’re scary as hell. 28 Days Later has many impressive, grim shots of a destroyed London. It has great performances from the then-newcomer Cillian Murphy and the always-fantastic Brendan Gleeson. This may have helped splinter the zombie genre, but at least it’s pretty damn good.

6. Shaun of the Dead

This movie hammered home what George Romero has known since the 70’s: zombies are hilarious! They’re such boring monsters. In this film, we can barely tell them apart from the boring humans, maybe that’s just because they’re British. Shaun of the Dead is hilarious, but it also manages to touch upon the important elements of zombie movies, such as banding together, social commentary, and that wonderful gore.

5. Drag Me to Hell

I don’t want to oversell this, but Drag Me to Hell is arguably Raimi’s best film. We’re back to Evil Dead 2, with the perfect mixture of terror and comedy. Christine isn’t as lovable as Ash. She’s not really meant to be. However, Alison Lohman is a perfect horror heroine. She has the innocent looks and a wonderful scream. Amongst the laughs and gasps, this movie teaches us some very valuable lessons. Never deny an old gypsy! And never dig up a body in the worst storm of the decade!

4. Grindhouse

Yeah, it’s one film, damn it. Funny thing about this being on a “best” list, it’s trying so hard to be bad. That said, this is probably the most enjoyable pick on my list. Ok, so Deathproof isn’t much of a horror film, even though hot girls are getting hunted and slaughtered by a badass Kurt Russell, but Planet Terror is horror all the way, in the vein of a Carpenter flick. You’ve got the babes. You’ve got the gore. You’ve even got the great actors, like Bruce Willis! And if you’re not at least a little scared of testicle harvesting, I don’t know what to tell ya.

3. American Psycho

Finally, a slasher movie where the murders don’t matter, even within the context of the film! Bateman’s murders are an expression of his boredom and vanity. Mary Harron took this material and made it an exploration of male insanity, rather than just Bateman’s. You’ve all seen these guys. They’re on Wall Street. They’re trying to sell you something. They might even be firing you. American Psycho documents masculine squabbles in deliciously, horrific detail. Perhaps, most chilling of all, the film asks, “What if these assholes really are killing, and, with wealth & power, their mess is wiped clean?”

2. Antichrist

I was mugged by God. That was my initial reaction to this film. True of almost every great film, on the first viewing, we’re not really sure what we’ve seen. This movie’s depth is so endless, it threatens to swallow you whole, taunting you to disregard it as Eurotrash. What I am sure of is the bravery of Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsburg, who follow Trier’s insanity to the end. Trier is a madman, as most great directors are, and his images, no matter how shattering to our senses, are fully realized here.

1. Sweeney Todd

The bloodiest musical, Burton’s possible best, and indeed, the greatest horror film of the decade. Burton stays faithful to the original tale, as well as Sondheim’s music. Depp and Carter are dressed like 30’s horror stars, paying homage to both the genre and the original film. I never felt Sondheim’s music should be gloriously sung, no matter how talented Angela Lansbury is. These songs are sad and personal, and though Burton’s cast aren’t singers, they are actors, and they deliver their tunes in the best possible way. You won’t find any prancing or choreography here. Sweeney Todd is a dark, terrifying tragedy that will slash its way into your nightmares as efficiently as Mr. Todd’s razors.

For more comic goodness, go here.

Since readers asked for more grindhouse movie posters, here’s a slick ad mat for my favorite ’70s teensploitation murder movie: MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH. I wrote a long piece on this film for the genius formerly known as Selwyn Harris; I’ll resurrect the rant for his new site McBeardo.com soon.

My psycho-noir novel THE CREEPS is taking shape, burning through its first draft. I’ll post more info when it’s done.

I’m tremendously excited about working on the re-release of THE EVIL DEAD – response to the news has been instant and overwhelming.

And CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST has extended its Halloween engagement in Detroit at the new Burton Theatre. Don’t miss it!

Thanks for checking out the site!

David Szulkin

It’s that time of year, where we get our respective Grindhouse trailers together to show for our Halloween Double-Feature.

That’s right, whip up your fake trailers and we’ll show them before and between our double features.

Our first film of the night will be:

It’s quite a trip to see, so all of your should check it out.

Our second feature is yet to be determined but will be a grim treat for sure.

Come costumed (encouraged!) or not to room 400 St. Pat’s at 6pm sharp.

There will be snacks and drinks for sale in the “foyer”.

COMING IN NOVEMBER: Filmmaking workshop and funded short preliminaries.