Hodgson picked Carroll ahead of the Ox, and was vindicated

Despite London transport’s best efforts in preventing me from getting home, the deluge in Donetsk delayed the start of Sweden v England sufficiently for me to settle down for kick-off. Just in time to see Andy Carroll lumbering around like an overweight horse.

What I seemed to have tuned into, though, was something that resembled football from a team whose first three letters were “ENG”. And seeing as Englefield Green didn’t quite make it to Ukraine and Poland, I assumed it must be England.

Patience and confident passing? It’s tika-taka Three Lions style! Danny Welbeck chested down to Scott Parker on the edge of the box, the Tottenham midfielder doubling England’s shots on target for the tournament with a curled effort that was pushed out by Andreas Isaksson. The Swedes then showed they were a threat with Sebastian Larsson whizzing a shot into the arms of Joe Hart.

England’s game plan was in motion, Milner producing a perfect ball into the box to Welbeck, who glanced his header wide. The striker was then seen deep in conversation with Carroll saying: “That’s your job, you great oaf. That’s why you’ve been picked!” Carroll winked knowingly. His luring of Sweden into a false sense of security was working perfectly.

Back in the real world (Welbeck would never say oaf), Zlatan Ibrahimovic tried a Nasri but Hart was equal to it. And then it came. The moment that showed why Liverpool paid £35million for a more glamorous Niall Quinn. Steven Gerrard with a delivery as perfect as his cross against France, Carroll with a powerful downward header to send England into raptures. Mr Rooney smiled from the bench. Carroll could score eight and he would still walk back in against Ukraine.

From one ponytailed striker to another. Zlatan made John Terry look like a four-year-old by out-pacing and out-muscling him, but wasn’t having as much luck in front of goal. Terry got his own back by trying to kick then shins off Rasmus Elm as he lay helplessly on the floor. Poor Elm somehow gave away a free kick in the process. I refrain from a joke about Terry then shagging his wife at half time. It would be too easy. I won’t do it.

Sweden continued with their long-range efforts. Kim Kallstrom’s rasping drive rose harmlessly over Hart’s bar. At the other end, Ashley Young lacked confidence when through on goal and Carroll, having already left his mark on the game, tried to leave a permanent mark of the ball on referee Damir Skomina. The man didn’t flinch when the ball flew at him quicker than Concorde. Some footballers could learn from that lack of reaction.

HALF TIME: SWEDEN 0-1 ENGLAND

So no-one’s entirely sure what Roy Hodgson said at half time but Glen Johnson probably didn’t hear him. A terrible Ibrahimovic free kick rebounded back to the striker, who

Johnson had a woeful ten seconds

hopefully hooked the ball back into the box. Olof Mellberg was suspiciously offside, but, thanks to Johnson, was fine. He fired his shot at Hart, who parried well, but, thanks to Johnson, it was diverted back into his own goal. His manful attempt to clear it off the line didn’t fool me, and I’m sure the full-back will be comforted by the 5 million Swedish krona he will pick up in a brown bag after the game.

Thanks, Glen Johnson.

So England again proved their ability to hold onto a lead was on a par with an ability to hold onto molten lava. But there was worse to come. Larsson with a deep free kick, Mellberg with far, far farrrrr too much space in the box, header past Hart. Johnson, Cole, every England player in the box can take the brunt for it. Mellberg was as stunned as anyone.

Sweden were on a high. Johnson went some way to redeeming himself with a crucial challenge on Ibrahimovic. Hodgson brought Theo Walcott on for Milner. One of the five other English fans in the room commented the winger has been, “living off that hat-trick in Croatia.” “Damn right,” said the majority of the other four. Girlfriend’s mum: “Oooo the grass looks nice.”

It turned out that, this time, the mother-in-law proved more correct. Yes, the grass was nice, but more importantly, Walcott was to prove his worth. Isaksson had somehow kept out a John Terry header and Sweden cleared the resulting corner to Mr Walcott, who took aim right at Isaksson’s face. Isaksson, who hadn’t learnt from referee Skomina’s earlier domonstration, ducked out of the way of the oncoming ball. Unfortunately, he forgot the net was behind him, and England were level. Walcott looked almost as bemeaused as Mellberg.

My fingers then began to bleed as the game became frantically end-to-end. Martin Olsson swerved through England’s right flank but Kallstrom couldn’t convert. Young wasted a free kick and another thunderous drive by Ibrahimovic was turned away by Hart. No time for detail, the game is moving on!

Suddenly Walcott was the go-to man. His pace was pushing the Swedes back as he drove into the box and squared for Welbeck. The United frontman then produced a

Welbeck got the goal he deserved

moment of outrageousness that his twin Dizzie Rascal will be rapping about in years to come. Back to goal, defender dragging him, Welbeck got the slightest of backheels onto the ball to divert it past Isaksson. 3-2. “One is most delighted with that sumptuous finish,” Welbeck didn’t say.

And so England fans had to go through it all again. England’s last chance of note was blasted into Row Z by Parker and in the blink of an eye the men in blue were camped back in their own box. Pressure was soaked up well, Gerrard missing a golden chance to wrap thing up on the break but could only fire at the keeper. Two minutes later, the whistle blew. Relax. Breathe. Go through it again on Tuesday.

FULL TIME: SWEDEN 2-3 ENGLAND

I’m not really sure how to break that one down. But what a game. We were far more clinical up top but showed a vulnerability in defence. So a complete contrast to the France game. One thing we can take heart from is that Roy Hodgson is doing his best. Starting with Carroll, bringing on Walcott, he earning his money in managing an average England side through to the knockout stages. And the Sweden hoo-doo has finally been laid to rest.

Unlikely there will be a blog tomorrow either. To be honest, I’ve written enough here to keep you going for a week. But I’ll definitely see you all again against Ukraine for more fun and games.

Laters guys!

Leesey

Watching a football match an hour behind is excruciating. Especially when you live on Twitter and Facebook. Almost as excruciating as watching it with your girlfriend’s mother, who expects every player to be scoring whenever they touch the ball within 40 yards of goal.

Lescott’s header was so damn good, the ball exploded blood on him

But watching England is the most painful experience of all. The tension. The false hope. That ultimate sense of disappointment. And although we’ve all convinced ourselves not to get too carried away this year, when the first game comes around there is that sense of anticipation. Maybe it could be our year. Even a psychic llama is pointing to an England success story.

Roy Hodgson got his starting line-up right. Pace in attack – Alex Oxlade Chamberlain and Danny Welbeck getting the nod ahead of Liverpool’s diamond duo of Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing. Thank heavens. The early signs were encouraging too, with the Ox running around like a dog on speed and Ashley Young enjoying his pockets of space.

But the French had an abundance of trickery in their arsenal. Frank Ribery threatened in tandem with Samir Nasri, with the latter’s clever flick almost releasing Karim Benzema.

England were to have the first opening. And you will not find one more glorious in the next three weeks. Young’s wonderfully timed slide-rule pass (Manchester United bias) put in James Milner, who took the ball around Hugo Lloris but with the goal gaping could only find the side netting. Prick (more Manchester United bias.)

France continued to look threatening, Yohan Cabaye stinging the palms of Joe Hart from long range. But the mighty Three Lions soon…roared…ahead…*Bluerghhhhhh*…god that’s awful.

Cap’n Steven Gerrard, after what seemed like an age of waiting, curled a deep free-kick into the French mixer. And who else but JOLEON LESCOTT?! with the funking priceless opener. A well controlled glanced header past Lloris that saw punters around the country tearing up their “first goalscorer” betting slips.

But there was always too much talent in blue to hold it to 1-0. And so it proved. Ribery teed up Samir Nasri on the edge of the box, the midfielder taking a touch before slamming it past stupid (MU bias) club teammate Joe Hart for the equaliser.

HALF TIME: FRANCE 1-1 ENGLAND

Nasri beat clubmate Hart to level

The end of the first half saw France tease the English back line with neat moves and clever interchange. England responded soon after the break with some possession football last seen by a team in white at the Liberty Stadium. Their reward? A blatant foul on Gerrard in a dangerous position that referee Nicola Rizzoli deemed unworthy of a free kick (England bias. But it’s true.)

The number of noteworthy mistakes by Monsieur Rizzoli began to tot up. Glen Johnson was felled while bursting down the right to no avail. And I realise Monsieur Rizzoli isn’t actually a Monsieur, I’m making the point that he should be French. Because he seemed to be giving all the decisions to France. So I calle…forget it.

I ramble because the match had hit a small lull - England looking to pounce on set-piece opportunities, but France the only ones firing in meaningful efforts. Benzema tested Hart’s handling with a powerful strike. Scott Parker almost lost his entire midriff in a manful block of another French thunderbolt.

Hodgson’s men began inviting pressure onto them as tiredness seeped in. It never helped that whenever an Englishman got fouled Monsieur Rizzoli saw it as an opportunity for France to attack with a numerical advantage. Hodgson brought on very secret weapon Jordan Henderson to shore things up. A weapon so secret, no one quite knows what it does.

Welbeck diverted a sweet looking Cabaye volley past Hart’s post as fingernails decreased by the minute. Comments in the household included “Go on, let’s get a nice little goal,” “I like France’s kit,” and “Come on Defoe, do something for once in your life!” Two of these comments were made by girls and one came from a Chelsea fan. See if you can match them.

The final whistle edged nearer and neither side looked much like grabbing the winner. Benzema had his 12th pot-shot of the night, but Hart was again equal to it. Fair result, and Roy will be happy to take a point from a French side now 22 games unbeaten.

FULL TIME: FRANCE 1-1 ENGLAND

Martin Townsend got it right in saying England held France at arm’s length. The worrying thing is they didn’t create too many openings of their own. Regardless, they’re now in a decent position to qualify. These are, of course, famous last words.

Hodgson should be satisfied with a point

Tomorrow’s blog will be a surprise entry! You’ll have to wait and see which of the two matches I review/blog. Hopefully it will be in real time, and without female presence.

Predos: Greece 1-2 Czech Republic, Poland 0-2 Russia

Au Revoir!

Leesey