Terrified. Indignant. Frustrated. Awed. Nervous. Shaky. Excited. Anxious. Inspired. Pensive. Open. Reserved. Cautious. Sad. Weary. Curious. Liberated. Adventurous. Aware. Amused. Embarrassed. Exile. Creative. Stagnant. Blank. Jealous. Insecure. Confident. Selfish. Arrogant. Fearful. Unforgiving. Relentless. Emotional. Numb.

In My process of becoming, it is almost impossible to describe how I feel and how I have felt. It is like trying to describe a sunset or the smell of the earth when the rain penetrates its’ core. At the very best, one can recreate an element of the experience; but it is only in living the experience that it truly comes to exist. The most I can do – just to get a hold of my own feelings – is to sit and close my eyes and zero in on the different currents that I feel coursing through me.

I am digging; anxiously and earnestly moving forward with the Unearthing of Me.

Mary J. Blige hits us with her New Album “Stronger with Each tear”. The last iHeard from Mary J. Was her last album “Growing Pains” which took me a while to like. I didn’t like Growing Pains at first, but iGave it a second listen and realised that Mary J. Blige is an Serious artist. Forgive me Mary J. Blige fans.

Mary J. hits us with her 9th Studio album! Wow she’s come a-long way. I was thinking… is it time for her to give it a break??

At first Mary J. Blige opened up her album with a track called “Tonight” which is a bit weak, which Bored me, which made me think – Maybe Mary J Blige should give it a rest. Which was wrong of me because I’ve heard her singles “The One (feat. Drake)” and “I Am” and iLike the both of those tracks. So iShould have had faith.

Cutting long story short. This album is good! iLike tracks like “Good Love (feat. T.I.) Now iMust say Mary J loves her some T.I. she’s been on alot of his tracks and his been on this one as well… Ummm hmmmm! and Songs like “Said and Done”. I really love how Trey Songz tears up “Hood Love” that is a GOOD Track! But a Track that really WOWED me was “Kitchen” Mary is preaching in this track!

Don’t Let another Girl Cook in your Kitchen!

Mary Is preaching! This album is a must! Mary has still got it and iRespect her for still having it. Because we all still Question Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey – If they still got it? But Mary seems like she hasn’t lost it! Standing Ovation for Mary! Brilliant Album!

At first you were like everyone else that I’ve met in my life. You weren’t exceptionally cute like the boys I had crushes on in middle school; neither were you exceptionally affectionate towards me like other boys were when they liked me. The thing is, when I first saw you I thought you were ordinary. Love at first sight is a myth, but one that I don’t care for because the reality is so much better anyway. I did not see anything special…until you opened your mouth and started talking. I think more than anything else, I was first drawn towards you by your way of speaking and what you spoke of. Many people challenge me intellectually, and I always challenge myself, but talking to you? It felt like a new experience, as if you were letting me in, challenging me but holding me in at the same time. It doesn’t make much sense, I know, but you were special to me because of your mind and eloquence.

I don’t think I fell for you, or I guess realized how much I liked you, until you were in the elevator together. There was that x-ray technician with his humongous equipment, a cafeteria cart and two service ladies, an empty gurney, and a whole of other people crowded in that elevator. I think that crowdedness didn’t allow for anything but the truth in that elevator. And the truth was I wanted so very badly to hold you. I wanted to hug you and wrap myself up in you, even in front of those complete strangers, even if we had only met 2 or 3 times before. Before you I didn’t realize that a body could so desperately need another, to have such a strong pull that rationality means nothing, and proximity everything.

You were the first person to make me believe in love, in romance, in magical happiness that allowed me to float for days, if not weeks. That hug on the grassy knoll made my knees literally go weak. Ecstatic is not even an appropriate word. Euphoria? Or temporary insanity?

You were my first heartbreak. My mind and body mourned for you for a whole fucking year. Even healed now, I wonder if I’m completely free of you. Extraordinary: the power you have over me, without even trying.

Thank you for perfect moments and the memories you made with me. The Little Prince; that tree swing; Treasure Island; sunny afternoons; the smell of grass; hummingbirds; the way my body seemed to melt right into your own. Thank you for the tough lessons and the pain. You’ve made me wise, all the more hopeful, a little smarter, and definitely fearless. From you I learned I needed to grow more, that I’m not yet who I want to be. You taught me that there’s so much more to life than academia. You taught my heart how to beat, how to bleed. You taught me how to fall, and for that I’ll always be grateful.

All a dancer needs to know about patellofemoral knee pain

Author: sean sandvik

Weak knees and pain underneath the knee cap is common in dancers. This kind of pain can often occur when the students are doing more jumping, or extended rehearsals, such as prior to a show or an exam. Pain underneath the knee cap is usually a ‘tracking’ issue, in that the knee cap is not sliding in the groove of your thigh bone the way it should.

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There are several possible reasons for this. One is the classic rolling in of the feet and knees, which we are all aware of. If the dancer is sure that she is not rolling, and still has pain, there could be a problem with one of the Quadriceps muscles on the front of the thigh. ‘Quad’ means four, and there are four muscles that make up most of the bulk of the thigh. There is one in particular that is very important, Vastus Medialis Oblique – abbreviated as VMO.

This muscle is on the inner part of the quads group, and is the only part that can pull the knee cap slightly in. All of the others pull it out a little. If this muscle is not working, the knee cap can get pulled off to one side, and the under surface can rub a little too much against the thigh bone when you are jumping or bending the knees.

So how can you tell if it is working properly?

· Sit on the floor with the legs extended. If you can’t sit comfortably like this, then sit on a chair with the feet on the floor.

· Put your finger tips on your leg 5cm (2 inches) up from your knee cap and in towards the inside thigh a little (3cm, or just over an inch).

· Slowly straighten you knee completely, and see if you can feel the muscle tighten under your fingers

· Test both legs to see if there is a difference, especially if you have one knee that is sorer than the other.

This muscle can stop working when there is pain in the knee, even if you have just bumped it, so if you find that one is a bit lazy, it is time to start working on it. Often it just takes a little concentration and mind power to get it to switch back on again, but this can make a huge difference to your pain. More advanced exercises should be used once activation of the VMO is achieved and should be guided by a qualified medical professional.

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Article Source: ArticlesBase.com – All a dancer needs to know about patellofemoral knee pain

This  was  written  yesterday  with  breakfast, baking my second  Apple Wrapper Pie, rolling and slowcooking the turkey breasts, McDonald’s lunch, peeling carrots, potatoes, cutting french beans, steaming cauliflowers, Christmas Eve dinner, cleaning up, watching Il Grinch, interrupted sleep, screaming excited kids, opening Christmas gifts and two long hot showers in between.

Before I go peel the carrots, I should just stop playing the hanging skin and the clotted blood ball on my upper lip with my tongue. And before I go turn the turkey rolls in the slow-cooker, I should just get this bloody story out of my injured mouth. Ha!

So I went skating for the very first time in my life yesterday, December 23rd 2009 – Dee’s birthday. Yes I did. With a complete awareness and full knowledge that the act would involve a lot of falling, I actually had a 96- hour-long debate with myself that ended up with a 2-word decision and an exclamation mark:
TRY IT!

I did. At 1030hrs Thursday morning, our little Johnson family was the first enthusiastic lot to get to the skating rink at Kitreena’s school. Kitreena was the first to get on the tennis-court size ice sheet and she just went gliding! Well, after two or three learning flops, of course. But yeah, the roller-blading skills sure helped.

It took me at least 20 minutes between getting the skates on – in that  -10°C weather – and getting into the rink. Not to mention that it took me 2 falls near the bench, and another when I entered the rink. (Well, I didn’t really want to mention the three falls. But hey… I got up three times, didn’t I!)

At the speed of two inches per second, I was gliding away – if you would want to please me and call it gliding anyway – for a good half an hour trying to get to the other side of the rink when my Canadian hubby glided by to give me some useful tips on skating. Of course, he was born in a refrigerator‡, he could skate as soon as he knew his alphabet! I believed him.

I could see, just like what Be suggested, that it made sense to lean my body a little forward as to give the momentum to the ‘glide’. So I listened and I tried it out. I leaned forward, slightly bending my knees, pushed through the air for about three waddles, and there I went…

DOWNWARD!

The next thing I knew my left knee hit the ice, then my palms and then my face. I fell! And it was the true and high definition of falling flat on one’s face, I thought. Well, at least that’s the first description that came to mind when I was down there facing the music ice.

In less than five seconds I could feel something trickling down my front teeth. And it took me no time at all to grind my teeth to check if I had to wish for My Two Front Teeth from Santa this Christmas. Sure enough the loss at that point was just probably half a cup of blood and the shape of my upper lip.

Between getting up and getting out of the rink, I had a mouthful of blood and a cashew-nut size of flesh from my upper lip hanging, waiting to be spit out. And when I finally did get out of the rink, get a little hole dug in the one-foot snow into which I could get the mouthful of blood spit out… I realized the lip flesh is still in tact and could not just be pulled off. Blood came rushing out when I tried to get rid of it.

The whole time I was trying to get my skates off, my winter boots back on, and my blood wiped… I was counting nothing but blessings. Boy, was I ever lucky! I am not done counting yet. Not sure when I will be, but until I can slow down counting, I will keep my bloody mouth shut and keep a list of gory thoughts in the draft for another post.

‡ refrigerator = Calgary, Alberta

The old parable states, “You have to find happiness in yourself before you can give it to someone else!” Before you can effectively give to others you should take time and give to yourself, give the gift of self-confidence. This Christmas, forgive yourself of past mistakes and past failures, learn from them. Learn to speak good to yourself and of yourself, and then spread that confidence to others!! Before you can love others you must first love yourself! This Christmas, start with the gift of self-confidence!

The Second Day of Christmas- “Share The Gift of Love!”

The parable states, “love those now who never loved before, let those who always loved, now love the more!” To effectively give gifts, you should give gift that start with love. A gift given without love is paramount to giving water without it being wet! Give gifts with love and if you have no gifts to give, then just give love! “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…love never fails!” This Christmas, share the gift of love!

The Third Day of Christmas – “Share The Gift of A Positive Attitude!”

Winston Churchill said, “The optimist see opportunities in every danger while the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity!” This Christmas, decide to look at life from another perspective, a positive perspective. You cannot choose what happens to you or what happens around you, but you can choose what happens in you! Choose to have a positive attitude! Attitude is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about what happens to you! Remember, attitude determines altitude! So this Christmas, share the gift of a positive attitude!

The Fourth Day of Christmas – “Share The Gift of Hope!”

Edward Guest wrote, “The true measure of a person is not how did they die but how did they live, not what did they gain, but what did they give. These are the units to measure the worth of a person regardless of birth. These are the questions of which words should devote, these are the answers where you will find hope!” During this time of celebration share the gift of hope. No matter what is going on in your life, you can make it as long as you have hope! Nothing is more pitiful than a person without any hope. This Christmas, share the gift of hope!

The Fifth Day of Christmas – “Share the Gift of Joy!”

The Chinese have a powerful proverb that states, “If you want joy for an hour, take a nap. If you want joy for a day, go fishing, if you want joy for a year inherit a fortune, but if you want joy for a lifetime…help someone else!” Joy is a feeling of fulfillment. It can be found in faith, in family and in creating a fulfilling future! During this Christmas, share joy with everyone you know…it will bless them, but it will bless you more! Give Joy this Christmas!

The Sixth Day of Christmas- “Share The Gift of Happiness!”

Joseph Addison said, “The grand essentials of happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for!” Choose to be happy this Christmas. Lincoln said, “You are about as happy as you choose to be!” So, choose to be happy! Some people pursue happiness while others create it. I say create it… and have an attitude of gratitude! This Christmas, share the gift of happiness!

The Seventh Day of Christmas – “Share The Gift of Courage!”

Maya Angelou said, “In order to be the best you that you can be, you must have courage. You must have courage to be fair, courage to be kind, courage to be honest and courage to live your dreams! Courage does not come easily, but from it you become so much stronger!” Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is having fear and going forward anyway! This Christmas, share the gift of courage!

The Eighth Day of Christmas – “Share The Gift of Perseverance!”

Scripture says, “The race does not go to the swift nor to the strong, but to the one that perseveres until the end!” This Christmas, I encourage you to persevere. Most people give up too soon, like the man who was digging for gold. He became frustrated, gave up and walked away. He left the shovel in the ground and a short while later, another man came along, picked up the shovel and starting digging. He dug six more feet and hit a major vein of gold. The first man gave up six feet too soon! Don’t give up…keep digging and keep going after your dreams! This Christmas, share the gift of perseverance!
The Ninth Day of Christmas – “Share The Gift of Wisdom!”

The old saying states, “Fools learn nothing from wise men, but wise men learn much from fools!” Wisdom is a gift that can have a tremendous impact on your success. Most people think wisdom only comes from old age but that is not true. Wisdom comes from a willingness to be a student of life, a willingness to be a life-long learner. Wise people learn that success does not come from a certain set of circumstances, but rather from a certain set of attitudes! This Christmas, seek wisdom and share it with others!

The Tenth Day of Christmas- “Share The Gift of Encouragement!”

Edith Wharton said, “There are two ways to spread the light. You can be the candle or you can be the mirror that reflects it!” This Christmas, spread the light of encouragement, be the one who encourages others. Encourage them to go back to school, to start their businesses, to stretch beyond their comfort zones, to pursue their dreams. Most people go to bed hungry, not for food but rather for a word of encouragement. Encouragement is like perfume, when you give it to others you cannot help but get a little on yourself! This Christmas, give the gift of encouragement! You’ll be glad you did!

The Eleventh Day of Christmas - “Share The Gift of Dreams!”

Alfred Lord Tennyson said, “Nothing ever built arose to touch the sky unless someone dreamed that it should, believed that it could, and willed that it must! Those who dream big dreams are those who achieve big results! This Christmas, encourage others to dream and then to go after their dreams, no matter how crazy the dreams may seem. Remember only those who dream the impossible, achieve the incredible…only those who attempt the ridiculous achieve the spectacular! This Christmas, share the gift of dreams!

The Twelfth Day of Christmas - “Share The Gift of Faith!”

St. Augustine said, “Understanding is the reward of faith, therefore seek not to understand that you might believe, but rather to believe so you might understand!” This Christmas, I encourage you to have faith, share faith, livewith faith and love with faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. In a time of constant change many people lose hope. They are afraid to fly, afraid to drive and some are afraid to leave home. It is in these times that you need faith. Faith in your dreams, faith in yourself and faith in a God who will never leave you or forsake you! The old folks used to say, “To have faith is to step out on a sea of nothing and believe you will land on something!” As you go into this new year, I recommend you step out… step out on faith!!!! This Christmas, share the gift of faith!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

As with every story, there’s a beginning.

So here I am, sitting in a hotel room trying to conjure my own. Where do I start? More so, how do I start? With so much that had happened in my twenty something years, should I just continue where I left off? Or should I start off fresh?

That’s the beauty of new beginnings — you start with a clean slate. But as broken and conflicted as I was, as I am, I’m not sure if I’m ever gonna have my own.  Or even a happy ending, for that matter.  Sometimes a beginning, sometimes an end, but never both.

Not that I’ve become cynical. Nor a pessimist. Yes there are days that I do view the glass half empty but one is bound to have one of those one way or the other.  I’m not an eternal optimist either. I tried but I came to realize that some things can never be.  You just have to accept that fact and deal.

Which is the story of my life, basically.

While it’s true that you can’t have everything at once, that doesn’t mean you stop trying.  Or living. Even loving.

So what gives?

Although I’m quite happy with my life right now, something’s amiss.

Wait, did I just write happy??? I can actually hear a collective gasp! 

I am actually happy and content. Hard to believe but here I am six months status post. 

What, with good friends and family, what more could a girl ask for?

I guess I’m ready for my slab of clean slate.  Honestly, moping around sucks the life out of you and I’m tired.

I’m tired of dwelling in the past, of all the baggage.

I’m tired of playing the part and I’m tired of justifying my actions.

I’m ready.

I’m finally ready.

No more commas. Or colons. Or semicolons.

Definitely a period.

The page is turning, awaiting the next chapter.

And until then, I’m going to laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that eventually, all the pieces fall into place.

xoxo

Gah, I’ve not been around for so long! Running all the errands that have accumulated over the term and just general year-end sluggishness. And I miss home! It has been snowing (wtf!) and freezing and I finally lost one side of my glove, brilliant. It’s wet everywhere and the silly cobbled streets make me feel like I’m going to slip and fall and break my neck with each step.

So the corridor is almost empty, haha and I kinda feel rich just thinking about temporarily owning my strip of 3rd floor in central London. But that’s crazy I know. In any case, the end of the year always make me feel sad, because it feels like school is starting in no time (I know it just ended, but classical conditioning of the spore system…) and that I’m growing one year older.

I’m not sure since when did I not like growing older. I don’t think anybody notices it when it first starts. After the late teens I guess, that’s when the burden of past years starts catching up and weighing down on your shoulders. You try to find meaning in life, figure out what defines you, draw up dreams and hopes and hang on to people who matter. And sometimes it works, other times I fail. It is the unbearable lightness of being which makes each year more difficult I suppose – the knowledge that you only have one life to live and hence its insignificance in all history of time, yet at the same time wanting to make it significant, if only to find your own place in the world while it exists.

I think I want to live a little lighter. To think that it all does not matter at the end and do what is right for now and stop looking for an answer which probably does not exist in the first place. Bah, does this sound too emo? To put it in a more empirical way, I learn of many famous mathematicians who have made great contributions to our understanding of the physical and abstract world everyday. And often times, I feel very very tiny and that my little insignificant life would never make a contribution like theirs. But they have lived their lives and are now gone. And so I should stop thinking of living in their brains/lives and start living my own instead.

Ok end of rambling. In any case, enjoy the festivities, even though I don’t. I really cannot wait for summer ‘10 to go home, ugh!!!

Matthew 25:37-40 (The Message)

“When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?? Then the King will say, ‘Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me – you did it to me.”

From Max Lucado’s Cure For The Common Life

“Love the overlooked.”

Jesus sits in your classroom, wearing the thick glasses, outdated clothing, and a sad face. You’ve seen him. He’s Jesus.

Jesus works in your office. Pregnant again, she shows up to work late and tired. No one knows the father. According to water-cooler rumors, even she doesn’t know the father. You’ve seen her. She’s Jesus.

When you talk to the lonely student, befriend the weary mom, you love Jesus. He dresses in the garb of the overlooked and ignored.

You can do that.

Even if your sweet spot has nothing to do with encouraging others, the cure for the common life involves loving the overlooked.”

~

~taken from www.weareoverlooked.com/about; under the section entitled “Where Does The Name Come From?”

being a shopkeeper has truly been a learning experience, and every day new lessons readily present themselves. after nine years, there is one lesson i should have learned… and that is to never count my chickens before they hatch. i was so excited to share the launch of the website with you today, but as you can tell i’m a whole 7 days behind in my countdown (and for good reason).

well friends… i’ll try to put this as delicately as possible. as shocking as the news may be… our web designer has so graciously abandoned our design project by writing us a dear john letter saying… “better luck next time.” and since she’s run off into the night with our whole website investment fund… i’ve been staying up into the wee hours of the night trying to teach myself html, css and java. but truth be told… its a struggle learning chinese in just a week. i’m trying my best, but needless to say, our website launch will temporarily be delayed until i can teach myself a very complicated new language.

but i don’t want to be the bearer of only bad news. so, even though our website has not found its launch pad, we still want to keep our promise to do a great giveaway today. with the help of my three little shopkeepers-in-training, we have randomly selected the twelve winners of the sage creek $20 giftcard giveaway. our winners are: tracie, bev, beth perry, barb hutchins, kathy, candy, kristin, dust jacket attic, lulu, shelley in sc, lindsay and robyn becker. thanks for participating ladies… please email me your mailing address to claim your prize.

Today I just needed a little time.  Some space to breathe and room to think.  Looking outside, the gray ceiling of clouds promised a harsh cold, but I didn’t care.  I found my running shoes, clicked my dog to his leash, and opened the door.

It felt really good to go for a walk alone–and for the first time in many months–without my iPod.  Because what I heard today was a new kind of silence:

no, this is not me photo credit: http://weather.thefuntimesguide.com/2009/02/northern_lights_aurora_borealis.php

heels crunching into snow.

the scratch of hood on hair in rhythm with my stride.

buzzing electrical lines.

a far-off bird.

Reuben’s paws click-clicking on pavement.

my own breath.

wind in skeletal grasses, tall alongside the road.

the whir of cars racing past.

the rub of dog leash against gloved hands.

~

God was calming my soul.

I knew when I left the house that I had a lot to unload.  Today in church we sang a song that I love, with a line that says that [Jesus is] “…gonna take what I can’t carry no more.”  What we sing is a bluesy and wonderfully re-written version of Amos Lee’s Black River. And it had me thinking as I sliced through the winter afternoon.

Maybe I’m the only one who struggles with “carrying”.  Maybe it’s easier for you to lay something down at Jesus’ feet and just walk away.  But I’m finding that there are one or two things that seem to sprout seedlings in my heart even after I try and try to tear them out.  Why does my mind persist in reminding me of the hurts and disappointments and measuring sticks? 

With wind numbing my ears and stinging my eyes, I rounded another corner.  I turned “the seedlings” around in my mind and weighed my options.  I thought about love and wondered what it means to act lovingly when you feel injured.  How do you know when love would confront, gently, and speak honestly?  How do you know when love would leave it alone?  Choose to overlook?

In 1Peter 4:8 the Bible says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”  So I considered packing up my feelings and stuffing them in a Tupperware container, snapping on the lid, and lodging it into the back corner of the freezer.  I would deal with these feelings by myself–sharing them with my husband, of course–but not approaching those directly involved.  I would trust God with my heart and remember my great worth in His eyes.  But I would not unearth my feelings in the context of a conversation with the salt-rubbers.  Because love covers over a multitude of sins, and I should love them and not seek recourse in confrontation.

My other option was sitting down with them and, like coffee thumped over by a thoughtless hand motion, let my thoughts spill out on the table between us.  Let them sit there and bleed into the tablecloth and dry as a stain.  A muddy blob of emotion laid bare.  Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”  Except the sun has gone down many times.  I guess I’m sinning.

The struggle is that relationships look easy on paper, but we all know that in real life they are complex balls of connections and history and love and trust and vulnerability.  Maybe I think I’m ready to unravel that ball, but to be honest, the thought of approaching a table to drain myself is terrifying.  It makes the inside of my heart feel spooned out and hollow.  My palms start to sweat and I am filled with worry.

So, for now I’ve decided that “…the bitter pill I swallow is the silence that I keep.”  [Ghost, Indigo Girls]

For now I will try to stop carrying.  I will try to trust that Christ not only will carry it for me, but that He actually wants to do it.

I will remember that my worth does not require the validation of the world and a select few of its inhabitants.

That it is measured not by rulers and yardsticks, but by two beams that were hoisted up as the greatest demonstration of love the world has ever known.

I will keep walking and enjoying the crunch of the snow and the sound of my dog next to me.

I will swallow the pill and work on my own heart.

I will work on loving.

Trouble.

His name hits me to the core. Today, that name no longer resonates. Today I feel…numb.

He’s the one I can’t let go. He’s that person that I can’t ever seem to get over, no matter how many plans I conceive for myself, or how many men I try on. It would a lie to say that I’m free of him after all this time. So here’s honesty. Here’s yet another account of the person that I love and hate at the same time, who I swore I’d never let me down again.

We planned for brunch at 11 am. He was right on time, but I was running slow that morning. I just finished getting dressed and still had to brush my teeth and get my contacts in. I buzzed him upstairs and was flossing when he walked in. He dropped his motorcycle gear off in my room, came into the bathroom where I was and started taking off his outer-layer of pants (from the motorcycle ride) as I started brushing my teeth.

“You look cute.” Thanks. I could only think, please don’t say those words because they hurt me more than they compliment. He went to drop off his pants with the rest of his gear and I looked for my contacts. He came back to the restroom and sat on the lid of the toilet just as I’m about to put in my lenses. There was a strand of hair that my clips didn’t catch, and as I’m trying to put in my right eye’s contact, the strand fell in my face. Without missing a beat, he stood up and reached for that strand, holding it out of my eye. If only moments could be frozen. I could only think, please don’t stand so close because I can’t stand not having the right to hold you whenever I want.

“You still owe me a hug, by the way.” I put on socks; get the pins in my hair out; show him some recently developed pictures from the Holga; walk away from him…anything to avoid being that close to him. Why? Why avoid something I feel all the time, even if he’s not next to me? Why avoid hugging him when I was the one texted him my traditional, singularly worded “awake?” text last night? Why when it was I who called, who called for the sole reason of hearing his voice when I couldn’t sleep…when memories of him are the ones I hold most dear?

In the hallway, finally facing him directly for the first time, I open my arms for that hug. He hugs me and lifts me off the floor for a few seconds. If only moments could be frozen. We walk and buy some cupcakes from Virginia Bakery. We walk and get some cash at Andronico’s. We walk and get half a pie at Cheeseboards. Conversation ranged from gun buying, to his month-long trip to Peru in 2 weeks, to my semester-long trip to Ghana in 4 weeks, to school and finals, to family, to the past.

“Are you following me? Because God knows where I could lead you.”

The elevator takes too long and being in small confined spaces with him has always been difficult. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough air. Sometimes I feel like my heart might just leap out of my chest. Next to him, all the nerves in my body shivers. When it comes to Trouble, all the nerves in my body are on fire.

“I’ll have to kiss you before you leave.” With pizza still in my mouth, his lips are on mine.

“I guess I should let you finish that.” And I wonder why this boy always knows what words to say because in my head, the sudden onset of confusion was dispelled with a burst of joy and the realization of how ridiculous life is, or I guess specifically how ridiculous my life has become.

He comes in again, closing the distance between our faces too fast for me to think, to decide, to analyze. But how? How can the mind make choices for the heart? How can this sense of pull he has over me be rationalized? How can I even think about whether or not he’s still with his girlfriend when he’s here?

He was here.

When? When will the fire stop burning? When will I be free? When will I ever be brave enough to ask the question to which either answer I am sure will kill me?

Today I am numb. I think I fell out of love yesterday. He’s the one I can’t let go.

After experiencing some growing pains over the past 4 weeks, Plotonic is back moving in the right direction.  Stay tuned to the website for an update on our product.  In the meantime, all you Twitter users should check out MySurveySaid, a free online survey app for Twitter.  It is an elegant way to poll your Twitter followers.

More very soon!

Yesterday my youngest had a couple of cute moments–have to record them since I’ve done a pathetic job with his baby book share them with you!

1.  Our little guy has an adorable lisp [s's] and can’t quite seem to pronounce a few of his letters.   When he’s talking, things sound sort of like this:

quad= todd;  dirt bike = dirt bite [our boys are obsessed with quads and dirt bikes!]

grandma = ramma

milk = milt

chicken = titten

Since he just turned four a couple of weeks ago, it’s not something we’re worried about yet– it still sounds cute to me!

Today, however, a few of his words came out crystal clear!  He said “quad” the way it’s supposed to be pronounced!  Then he said something else and it came out perfectly!  I looked at him and said, “M!!  Say that again!  You did it!  You made your sounds!”

He looked back at me and said–very seriously– “Yeah, God healed me.”

2.  Same little boy, different situation!  When I picked him up from preschool he asked me if we were going to see Dr. Kik–my chiropractor.  I told him that I had already gone and thought little of it.  That’s when the drama started.  Sobs.  Fake and forced, yet somehow producing tears.  Maybe they were partially real–but certainly coerced.  Finally, after trying to ignore him patiently let him calm down–which he did NOT–I decided to probe.

“Honey–I didn’t realize you liked Dr. Kik so much!  I’m sorry–next time I’ll make sure to take you.”

Sob, sob…crocodile tears…

“Babe!  Please calm down!  You can come along next time.”

Cry, cry, ball, ball.

“M, I didn’t know you wanted to go along to Dr. Kik!”

His response?

“I wanted to get some of his ca-ca-caaaannnnddddyyyyy!”

Silly me.

Here I thought he had formed a bond with my kind doctor.  Thought he enjoyed the fake skeleton in the corner.  The medieval-like back crackers.

Nope.

He wanted candy.

So glad he has his priorities straight.

Fuck it has been raining for the past 3 days. And so I’ve been doing nothing but staying in and eating chocolates. Shitty dum dums.

I can smell semi-freedom in the air. It’s so so near with barely 2 more weeks to go. Well actually I’ve sorta surrendered to the vacation mood by going for a drink (on a Monday night some more!) and I’ve a mock exam on Wednesday. Shit. But thinking that next week would be one of the last lectures for a couple of my courses leave me a little sad. Although there certainly has not been as much camaraderie as I would’ve liked (since there’re only like 6/7 people in class, and mostly people from the math programme who seem to be from a completely different planet, so we do not click at all), it has been a ride going to all those hours of classes copying out proofs after proofs which require justification of every single statement and constant reminding of oneself what we started out wanting to prove in the first place because they run on so ridiculously long that you forget what your initial motivation was.

My cousin’s birthday’s coming up and it’s her 21st! Well, not sure if she’s up to anything with her friends but we’re going out for dinner on Friday. I wish I was 21 too, those carefree days! Well, they’re still carefree now actually. But ironically, the more I study, the more I feel like putting all this behind me and becoming a farmer. I don’t hate it that much, nor like it that much, but just want to figure it out a little better. But thereafter, I don’t particularly want to save the world with it. That’s too much for me. I just want to grow my own food?

Metrics again tomorrow. Boohoo… haha actually every Tuesday morning, I wake up dreading class and so to reward myself for braving the ego-busting hell which last the whole of 2 hours, I make a detour to Paul’s and grab a Palmier to sweeten the day. But winter has arrived and I think it might be a little too much to ask of my soggy sneakers to make that detour at 9 in the morning rain and freeze henceforth. Sigh, fml.

Today’s ‘Live Better With Willie Jolley’ Tip: Yes You Can Win!

This is part two of the great poem about how your thinking impacts your long-term success.

If you think you are beaten, you are.

If you think you dare not, you don’t.

If you like to win but you think you can’t,

It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost.

For in this world you will surely find

Success being with a person’s will,

It’s all in the state of mind.

Think Big and your deeds will grow,

Think small and you’ll fall behind.

Think that you can and you will,

It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you’re outclassed, you are,

You have to think big to rise.

You’ve got to be sure of yourself,

Before you can win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go,

To the strongest woman or man,

But sooner or later the person who wins

Is the person who thinks they can!

Just try it. You’ll be surprised at what you will find.

Visit my website at www.williejolley.com for free motivation and make this a great day!