Sorry guys! Jen and Jovie totally had this conversation about Jack, as in Jack Bauer, as in, he’s 24 years old and from the internet,  WEEKS ago, and I flaked and didn’t press the “publish” button. Bad llama!

Jovie: Oh man. Jack is totally planning out the first-kiss date.

Jen: Um, what?

Jovie: ha ha

Jovie: like, he’s totally planning for the romantic moment!

Jovie: check this out:

Jovie: “Have you ever been to Chapel Forest? there are a bunch of trails one of them leads to this overlook where you can see Columbus in the distance. We should go there sometime…”

Jen: hee hee hee

Jen: the overlook!

Jovie: I KNOW right

Jen: email lizbeth, pronto

Kit, my friends, has had a Revelation.  She’s gracious enough to share with us ’cause it’s the holidays:

It doesn’t happen on the first date.

It doesn’t happen on the second.

It happens, ladies and gentlemen, on the third date.  Through extensive research, I’ve concluded that Date 3 is, statistically, the point at which latent flakiness will rear its itchy head.

Exhibit A: Apple Boy
Date 1: I learn that he’s completely attractive in a bad-boy way and wonderfully impossible to put in a stereotype box.  He’s into computers, fountain pens, musicals, cars, photography, and knives.  If you can find a stereotype to fit all that, more points for you.
Date 2: I learn that he’s into old-style martinis, his Doc Martens, and me.  Yay!
Date 3: …oh wait, there is no Date 3 because he’s too busy watching ER to talk to me and, when I get tired of waiting and ask him out again, his reply is “possibly.”  FAIL.

(Hi, it’s me. Sorry to slow you down here–Kit and I had an editorial argument about whether or not to clarify that “Apple Boy” referred to his job in computers. Kit liked the idea that it could be computers OR the cider-producing fruit. I argued that he wasn’t cool enough for shades of meaning (or any shades at all!). Kit countered that Apple Boy wasn’t cool enough for **apples** regardless of what kind they were. I decided that our argument was more interesting than he was, and that’s a bad sign.)

Exhibit B: Annoying Bucket a.k.a #39
Date 1: “Wow, you’ve had a crush on me all this time?  And you quote Shakespeare?  And you look at me with that fixed-attention look out of bright blue eyes?  Yes please!”
Date 2: “We’re at an unintentionally intense movie about which we then have intellectual discourse, followed by dessert.  And you just kissed me very well.”  *swoon*
Non-Date 3: “We just met for burritos so you can tell me you’ve had a mid-life crisis. Your excuse is that you’ve been thinking about hexagons.  No exaggeration.  I see.”  FAIL.

Exhibit C: Panic
The novella happened…yes, between dates 2 and 3.  I’d have a funeral for him, but I’m not gonna.

Exhibit D: S. A. T. (Socially Awkward Thor)
Date 1: The first boy from the internet!  By this point, I don’t even pay attention to the “success signs” from ANY first date.  They are meaningless.  So I move on to…
Date 2: At which there was an easy break point (after sushi) for him to escape if he found me repulsive or dull beyond measure.  But no, we proceed to drinks and more easy conversation.  I kiss him. He kisses me.  Yay!  So I write to tell him how much fun I had and how I would love to see him again.  I haven’t heard from him in a week.  He could be dead.

Flakey Flake Flakety!

Conclusion: If there’s dormant flakiness, there will be symptoms sooner or later.  But probably on the third date.

Okay, kids. Roll out the red carpet for Daphne, another twenty-something negotiating the dating scene in New York!

She describes herself as “sweet,” “loquacious” and “a little bit feisty”.

I describe her as “drop dead gorgeous and smarter than everyone else.”

She sent me this email today…

This boy first wrote to me on November 3.  Due to his profile’s multiple references to “making out,” I decided he’s probably too much for me to handle and didn’t respond to this message:

subject: 34% enemies

seems way too high

-[dude]

Dude, if okcupid says we’re 34% likely to be dead enemies, you’d better believe it buddy.  Assume I’ve already shot you dead.

However, exactly one month after that winner, he emailed me this under a NEW screen name! (ew)

Subject: feisty

and loquacious?

must be my lucky day

-[dude]

EW.  Yes I CHOSE to describe myself as “feisty” and “loquacious,” but no one else has made it sound quite so dirty. ew.

My response:

[Dude],

Hmmm… I mention Scrabble in my profile, you write about solo-sex.  Not so sure we’re compatible…

-[Daphne]

This gem is brought to you via Madame X. I actually couldn’t read the whole paragraph because it hurt my eyes.

Hello ladie’s well if you read my profile you will see as much as you need to unless you what to know more about me . please believe me i’am not like most of the other guys i’am not looking for a one or two night stand but something more like forever but only the future can till that. i can till you that i’am very warm and passionate as i love to kiss and hold hands i love the romance that two people shear its a blessing from the heaven’s. .but just to let you know i’am looking for a special woman and a long relationship that will last forever . And a special woman i can trust and be with always ,to shear are time and hearts together and do nice thing for each other as well.well i would like to say so much more but i need to save something because i want you to ask me for more .So please only the honest and true loving and passionate write back thank you so much and good luck P.S.

Here.  Since you can’t actually exfoliate your eyes, look at this picture first. Then vote.

Hi guys!

Sorry there’s been no posting for a while. Kit is lining up some okcupid candidates like ducks in a ditch, Jovie’s had a busy month at church, and I have been involved in a series of nauseatingly cute things with RDB wherein I’ve occasionally had to say, “Stoppit. Barf. This is disgustingly adorable. Go get your own sushi.”  You all don’t really want to hear details, so I won’t share.

Luckily for you and for all the single straight boys out there, Jen managed to find time between moving across town and balancing a career and a kick-ass birthday party to go for an unorthodox kind of date. Read on!

So my friend Daphne, a fellow passenger on the ‘looking for love’ boat, and I got a facebook message from our mutual friend, Bettie, to introduce us to another friend of hers. Apparently Bettie’s friend was complaining about his meager social network, particularly in the single female department. And Bettie thought, I know two fabulous single ladies in New York, I’ll introduce them to my male friend. Apparently this “Mr.Frienddate” also has many single guy friends; meeting him could open a virtual walk-in closet of dating opportunities, which, much like walk-in closets, are very rare in New York.

The three of us had a little facebook message exchange and made plans to meet for drinks tomorrow night. Daphne and I are both interested in meeting this boy. We both think Bettie is pretty awesome, so anyone who gets her seal of approval must be worth knowing and we like making new friends. At the same time, it’s starting to seem like we’re going to be going on a three way blind date.

Jen: is it weird that he’s flirting a little [with BOTH of us].

Jen: i friend-ed him so we’d know what he looks like.

We’ll see!

DOMINGO 29 DE NOVIEMBRE

HBO ESTE 19:15 hrs SKY 450 / CABLEVISIÓN 632

HBO OESTE 22:15 hrs SKY 453 / CABLEVISIÓN 633

Bored to death HBO 2009 "the alanon case"

Jonathan sigue tratando de enmendar su relación amorosa con Suzanne. Un nuevo caso de investigación se le presenta, y en esta ocasión se trata de una mujer llamada Jennifer, quien está buscando pruebas de que su novio le está siendo infiel.

Kit just joined okcupid this weekend, and she’s having a great time shopping for boys on the internet.  She’s about to on her first okcupid date tomorrow! Everyone cross your fingers for a good hair day and a pretty boy!

She emailed me this:

This may be my favorite way I’ve ever been asked out:

him: way to use the word  ‘anthropomorphize’… you set the bar high…

him: here i was trying to come up with a witty way to compliment you again, then ask you out, and you just shut me down.

him: your loss

Clearly, the obvious conclusion is to go out with him. So we’re going for dinner tomorrow after work! What to wear??

It’s me again. She’s wearing the pretty yellow shirt from H&M. I can’t wait to find out what happens.

“Great Expectations”

November 18th, 2009

In terms of the great comedy battle of 2009, which continues to rage amongst shows both new and old, Modern Family is at a distinct disadvantage: with Parks and Recreation delivering some legitimately great comedy and Community doing a really compelling and confident meta-storyline, the simplicity of this show is a disadvantage in terms of being flashy. There comes a point where the hype surrounding the show creates greater expectations than the storylines themselves can live up to in terms of their premise, requiring viewers to appreciate the strong execution where originality isn’t overtly present.

“Great Expectations” is a solid episode of the show, featuring a number of fun loving gags and a couple of big guest stars, but nothing stands out as particularly stunning as compared to some of the other comedies. In this instance, I think there was enough nuance to each individual story to continue to prove how strong the writers understand these characters, but it nonetheless follows similar patterns to what we’ve seen in the past. I think it’s one of their stronger episodes due to a nice role reversal, but it’s not reaching as high as some of the other comedies are right now.

For me, this episode is about the little things more than it is about the guest stars. While Elizabeth Banks (playing Cameron and Mitchell’s barhopping friend Sal) and Edward Norton (playing the bass player/backup vocalist from Spandau Ballet) are both very funny and integrated well into the episode, the storylines they’re involved in really have very little to do with them. I thought the Cameron/Mitchell story was perhaps the episode’s least interesting, if only because it was so predictable: we’re shown that they’re having trouble getting out with Lily around, they make a night out of it with a friend, and discover that their friend is jealous of Lily and devolves into a petulant child. There’s nothing wrong with the storyline, and Banks sells the child-like reaction perfectly, but the storyline had absolutely no twists or turns or nuances to it – just a couple of fun moments (Mitchell refusing to allow her to hold her, Mitchell’s “I’m going in!” Re: new boobs), and strong performances all around.

I thought the other two storylines were simply more interesting conceptually. Jay’s Night, featuring Sloppy Jays and western movies, was the sort of storyline that was charming because of how great Ed O’Neill is and more importantly how you get small little running gags like Gloria’s tone deaf singing or Luke taking everything that Jay says as a sign that he’s going to die soon. Combine with the running battle between Jay and Haley, which nicely ties into what we know of Claire’s own childhood, and the conclusion with Dylan wanting to stick around for Jay’s Night, and the storyline just had a nice flow to it. It was never overly dramatic or overly broad (Jay squirting Manny like a dog was perhaps a BIT broad), staying within a simple comic mode and delivering on its promise.

And I thought the Claire/Phil storyline was the episode’s strongest, if not comically, then certainly in terms of the characters. Phil is still a bit too much like Michael Scott (the scene listing off the things he wants could have very easily been put into Steve Carell’s mouth without much in terms of change), but as with Michael it’s always good when he gets to be the smart one. He, unlike his wife, is capable of being romantic, so the anniversary becomes about Claire’s struggles rather than Phil’s. It’s a nice change of pace, as Julie Bowen is likeable even when she’s incapable of being romantic and Ty Burrell was great in interacting with (his good friend) Edward Norton as they struggle over whether the charade (which was a pretty ingenious comic device) could be continued. Like I say, the big laughs weren’t there, but the emotional payoff was solid and it kept Phil out of his usual tomfoolery role.

Nothing complex, but a funny and enjoyable episode – no need to place it relative to anything else to enjoy that.

Cultural Observations

• Alex gets all of the best one-liners amongst the grandchildren, and here she both played into Haley’s vanity and created Luke’s trauma over her grandfather’s death. Hoping for another episode for her soon.
• I was thinking of how Edward Norton was going to do “funny” in this show’s style, and it’s clear now that I should have thought of “accent” right away. Always funny!
• Spandau Ballet, of course, is an actual band, although I didn’t entirely realize this until I heard him humming the melody of “True” and I realized I recognized it (but would never have known the band name). I did enjoy the joke the show got out of this, as the reason Izzy Lafontaine refused to continue the performance was that the song was called “True” and the story was false.
• Wait, Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark was also a real band? Oh, The 80s.

The things Jen does for us.

So on the OKCupid profiles one of the questions you fill out is “You should message me if ___________.”   I wrote, “You should message me if you communicate only in song“  because I thought it was funny.

Boys from the internet usually respond to that with youtube videos of someone else’s music.  Three of them were brave and wrote me poems.  Settle into your favorite yoga position, ’cause I’d like to share with you that poetry.

–

#1

would i were not so busy
(pretend this is a song)
we would walk through the rain
dance in puddles
stare into the sun, no the moon
clap
and hold hands
and feed each other blueberries
and juggle balloons
and drink mead
dive naked into streams, laugh
tire ourselves from laughing
listen to angular dusky sounds
and calm, and conform
through the cool night

unfortunately, i’m so busy.
you dress yourself in a modesty that is becoming
if this were a real world, not a virtual one
you would be hearing me say this all the same
only you’d be able to respond
and it wouldn’t be so silly
well maybe still silly
and i’d have to invent a tune

anyway, jennifer,
you are great. i can tell. sincerity cannot be masked.

so you have my name
[blueberry boy]

–

#2

Subj: Self Respect and A Great Haircut
that is the first thing I thought when I saw your pictures, which I viewed before reading your profile, of course. I don’t know how it can be argued that someone has the look of self respect, but that’s what came to mind.

but now I have read your whole profile. only in song, hmm?

alright. here goes.

Dear jennifer the one one five
I’ll leave a ‘one’ out for myself
and keep it close while I’m alive
besides the photos on the shelf

the ones that feature our years spent
the wedding, fu-ner-als and births
the one-bedroom where we split rent
a holiday popcorned with mirth

a snap of you exhausted, white
dageurrotypes of me in spats
a glossy shot of the new years night
when I asked, and that was that

I keep one one out of your name
imagining a life with you
inviting you to do the same
…..(unfinished)

this has to stop. where were we?

And then he continued in normal letter writing prose for a while. And then he asked me what adjectives I would use to describe my perfect match.  I said I only knew one and it was ‘tall.’

He is 5′8”.

I am 5′9”

Oh well.  He was a little old for me and sporting green hair in one of his pictures.

–

#3

Subj: Song
I really want to compose a song for you, but I’m short on time. Here’s a limerick instead. It’s so much easier.

This multilingual girl from the city
Prefers that we write her a ditty
At a loss for words
I’ll try out this verse
Will it be enough to impress one so pretty?

Nope. It’s not. But nice try!

It’s me again. I double dare you to write poetry (or a song) to try and impress Jen. No pressure, just for fun.  Email  your literary lovin’ to iwantapanda at gmail dot com, and I’ll post them! Let me know if you want credit or a pseudonym.

Watch here.

Boys tend to all want to date Kit in waves.   Kit will go for weeks without a whiff of Old Spice, and then all of a sudden, she can barely schedule them all in. It gets confusing. Her co-workers tease her about it being a race. Care to place a bet?

The contestants:
#39: you may previously know him from the Annoying Bucket (he looked kinda like a Viking)
#37: Kit met at a party
#35: Was fixed up with Kit through work
#31: introduced through friends

And they’re off!

39 gets off to a strong lead out of the gate with charm, gorgeous eyes, and Shakespeare (drool).

Then, 37 sprints up to lap him with flowers (!!) and an alluring availability. We have everything in common and he thinks I’m the cat’s pajamas. He takes me out to fancy dinners and dressed as Chivalry for Halloween. Am I dreaming?

35 comes out of nowhere and looks like a strong challenger before he loses a shoe and falls completely out of the race like a three legged duck! We quickly forget all about him.

On the third lap, 39 has fallen behind significantly due to a severe lack of follow-up skills. You’ve got to have stamina to be in this race, folks. You kiss me and then disappear for two weeks, you’re on the outs.

But oh! Who’s this? Slow and steady, 31 comes into the race looking like a solid bet. He also has gorgeous eyes – I’m a sucker for them every time. Moreover, he comes highly recommended by friends, he shows a promising level of wit and attentiveness and does NOT seem like the type to flake out (I’m looking at you, 39).

Meanwhile, 37 has gotten his hooves caught in the flowers and is now clingy and annoying. Oh, this is a disappointment! He can’t handle my sarcasm, but claims he does like it “in doses.” Know what comes in doses, 37?  That’s right,  steroids come in doses. Let’s keep this race clean, folks. We don’t want Congress to get involved…

By all rights, 39 should have forfeited, but he holds on, playing the emotional fuckwit card via a vexing trickle of ill-timed text messages. Man up and return my phone calls or you’re out of the race entirely!

31, meanwhile, is doing well. Very well. My money’s on him. (Is yours?) He’s interested, interesting, and seems remarkably normal. We exchange book recommendations (that means he reads!) and he is impressed by my cooking. Hooray!

37 gets disqualified for wanting leave the race to go and get married, like, now. He does not take it well.

31 has an unsubstantiated crisis in his head, writes a novella, remember the novella? removes his own backbone, and starts spinning around, digging himself into a deep ditch, but is still technically at the head of the race because everyone else is even further behind.

I leave the country on business.

I return after a week to find that 31 has filled out change-of-address forms and permanently moved into the hole he’s dug himself. Good grief.

Oh my gosh! Ladies and gentlemen, I have not seen anything like this in all my years of commentating!! Out of a shotgun formation, TWO MONTHS after he kissed me, 39 suddenly pulls himself together, and asks me out, so he can apologise, flatter me appropriately, try to kiss me under my umbrella, and promise to do much better in a commitment-oriented future. What?!

I’ll keep you posted. I might have to rewrite the rules of racing for this guy.  Can you blame me for being jaded, skeptical, and wary?’

Me again.  Don’t worry. The thing with 39  JUST happened on Saturday, and I will totally call Kit every day to find out if he’s gotten his rear in gear and called her. When he does, you’ll all be the first 170-odd people to know!

Oooooh, you guys. We’re a big deal now! We have  a guest blogger from another BLOG! How cool are we?!  “Sarah Jessica” is living the 20-something dream in NYC, dating in the jungle and blogging at scienceofrunning.blogspot.com

The quintessential “WHY WOULD HE TELL YOU THAT?” happened to her, and she was sweet enough to reach out and offer to share it with us.  I had to tweak the formatting a little, so any mistakes below are mine, and all the jaw-dropping is her.  I almost cried, actually. It’s not a funny story, just really quite remarkable.

Standing on the downtown R train, I am next to one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen. I try not to stare too obviously, but our eyes meet a few times, and finally, we smile, and he says hi.  I take my headphones off and we start chatting.  He seems very nice, well dressed, and have I said gorgeous? I am going to Fuller  St, but at that stop, a seat opens up next to him.   I decide to go with the flow and sit. He introduces himself, we chat for a few minutes, he asks me where I am going. I look up at the display and chose the last stop in my borough: Victoria Station – 2 stops from Fuller.  I figure, if he’s gonna ask for my number, it’s got to happen in 2 stops.

It does.

Right before I get off, we exchange numbers.  He promises to call that evening.  I walk straight to the opposite platform, heart pumping, so excited I am about jump out of my skin.  He calls within the hour.  Seems nice, we set a date for a couple of days later.

I realize I don’t know anything about him, but that makes it pretty exciting.  Nothing to worry about, we meet at Times Sq ( a very public place, as I am not stupid.) The weather is nice, so we walk around for a bit.  It’s a little strange that he immediately tells me he wants to be absolutely honest and upfront about stuff with me.  It  reminds me of an ex-boyfriend who broke up with me and saying that he was never really attracted to me and then adding that he thought I would appreciate his honesty and upfrontness. HAH.  Not always the case.

Anyway, back to the story. Even though I have a bad feeling the whole time, he is so cute and he keeps telling me how beautiful I am – which, by the way, makes me very uncomfortable. We finally sit down at a restaurant and it begins.

The first shocking confession goes as follows: “I used to lead a gay lifestyle, but then, I realized that it wasn’t right, and reevaluated things and God had shown me the right path.” I think I asked him about 4 times to repeat that. I just couldn’t believe it. He explains that he grew up in an environment in which being gay meant that he fit in. Makes little sense. I get the feeling he was brainwashed in some conservative church and now thinks it’s a sin to be gay. He keeps swearing that he is actually attracted to women.

OK.
Whatever.

This is not all though. Next up: “I was diagnosed with a mental disorder and ended up losing my job and living in a shelter for 2 years.”

OK, that’s a little too much now.  I mean people lose their way sometimes,  I understand, and it’s very admirable when someone manages to overcome adversity to become successful or overcome some sort of disability or disease. But the whole mental disease/shelter thing combined with being previously gay or perhaps still, and with brainwashing religiousness – did I mention he prayed before he ate?

At this point, I was thinking “How do I get out of here???” And he kept asking “What are you thinking about, Sarah Jessica?”
Really?? What do you think I am thinking about? Running as fast as I can perhaps. Finally, we finish eating, awkward silence, we ask for the check, he wants to go see a movie.  I am thinking of a nice way to get out of this, but there really isn’t a polite way to tell him no, I don’t want to go see a movie, and I don’t want to talk to you again, and I am really sorry that your life is difficult, but I have my own issues and things to deal with and I just can’t deal with this too. And besides, WE JUST MET.

I lied and said I was taking the bus to avoid walking to the subway together, gave him a hug and walked a block before daring to turn around and I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry, so I just stood there, frozen in place for a few minutes.

If you’ve seen Playing by Heart, a great movie from the 90s with Angelina Jolie and Ryan Phillippe, among others, you might remember Dennis Quaid’s character.  (Although, if you don’t remember ANYTHING other than Angie  or Ryan…**drool**…that’s totally fine.) Dennis Quaid is taking an improvisation class which has assignments where he goes to bars/restaurants and comes up with outrageous stories to strangers.

Maybe this guy from my date was taking a class like that, or he was rehearsing for a role in a movie.  Or he was just himself.  I REALLY hope he was just improvising, ’cause otherwise, that’s a an awful lot of baggage to carry on the subway.  Wow.

So.

I threatened (promised? consoled?) you all that RDB would be guest starring on AinD. When I left his house at 2:00 yesterday afternoon, he was up to his elbows in hardcore old fashioned clam chowder, but told me he’d work on the guest blogs after he taught two people how to swing dance.  That’s how he rolls.
This story  was in my inbox after I got back from hanging out with Mr. Shoestore and Jen.

It’s Thursday evening, I’m bored and at home lurking on the internet. The night is dark. Dark and stormy.  OKCupid is up and running in the background. I get a pop-up message!  Somebody obviously read my profile and either likes me or is morbidly curious.

M-Girl:
Hey there. I want to talk to you but I have to go to Yoga.
Will you be online later?

Me:
I can be. What time do you want to chat?

M-Girl:
I don’t know. I’m going out drinking and I’ll be home late.

Me:

Ok… Well, I might be here or I might not.

****roughly 1:00 am Friday morning****

M-Girl:
I’m home!

Me:
That’s cool. How was yoga and drinking?

M-Girl:
I didn’t do them both at the same time.

Me:
Right. I mean as two distinct experiences.

M-Girl:
I wasn’t done drinking. I wanted to stay out and have fun.
My roommate wanted to come home.

Me:
Ah. Well, there are diners and stuff open in town, you could
go get some food or something.

M-Girl:
Are you asking me to go to a diner with you?

Me:
That wasn’t my intent, but we can if you want.

M-Girl:
I want to stay in tonight.

****boring small talk interlude****

Summary of remaining conversation: She got tired because she was very very drunk, but insisted we make plans to go apple picking the following day. She’d never gone apple picking! How is this possible?  I was going anyways, but she wanted to come with me. I was ok with this.

So she drives up to my place and parks at 8am the next morning. She’s wearing large sunglasses and drinking Powerade. I suspect she is hung over. She’s chirpy and friendly though, so it’s fine. We jump into the car and head north to my favorite apple orchard in the Green Mountain State.  The conversation on the way up is amusing and interesting. We discuss our jobs and hobbies. She’s not the most engaging conversationalist, but she’s not boring either, so we enjoy some idle small talk for a while. We’re there!

We go into the orchard. She has never picked apples. She is hesitant about doing so, afraid she’ll do it wrong. This might be a plot to get me to ‘help’ her  in the manner of skeezy-guys-”teaching”-girls-t0-shoot-pool, but I don’t realize that until it’s too late. Instead, I just encourage her to just pick the apples she likes. She asks a lot of questions about apples, amused that they make me so happy.  Hello?! They’re apples. They are made of good.

We fill two bags and head back to the store, where we enjoy cider donuts and hot cider. Yum. She has never had a cider doughnut. I’m beginning to wonder if she lied about growing up in western MA…

There is a conversational revelation on the way back. We have a handful of mutual friends. One in particular seems to spark her interest for some reason:

M-Girl:
Oh! I used to live next door to Punky. She seems really nice.

Me:
Yeah, she’s a great girl. I used to play roller derby with her.

M-Girl:
Did you two date?

Me:

Uh, no. We’re just friends, mostly from Derby.

M-Girl:
Do you want to date her?

Me: (feeling like I’m losing  grasp of this conversation)
No… We’ve been friends a long time. It’d be weird.

M-Girl:
I’m married. Does that bother you?

…

Yeah.

At this point I realize that I’m driving down the highway while staring at her with my mouth slightly open, and pull my gaze back to the  road ahead. Into the stunned silence, she clarifies that she is getting a divorce and that her ex is out of the picture. Really?!  That’s the order you chose to tell me this?!

1. I’m married.

2. Does that bother you?

3. Oh, and inconsequentially, the marriage is ending.

(geez, somebody needs to update their facebook relationship status!)

Anyhow, I catch my breath, am a little weirded out, but say that if the marriage is ending, it doesn’t particularly bother me (this isn’t entirely true, but at least it doesn’t bother me on an ethical level). We then arrive at my home, she gives me a hug that’s a little more than the friend hug, and says we “have to do something again soon.” She hops in her car and heads home.

Then she died.
I was sad, but not overly; I didn’t know her very well.

It’s me again. I just want you all to know that RDB asked ME to go apple picking with him on this day, and I sweetly said it was too many hours to spend with someone I’d never met.  So Mrs. Married-and-dating was only his second choice. **self satisfied smirk**

Name: SMSonly
Method of introduction: We’ve known each other since I was 16, we worked at the pool together as lifeguards
Status: We’ve always had a great time hanging out. so…why not?
Possible Serial Killer? Definitely not a serial killer….
Topics of conversation: affinity for small towns, we both like Magic Hat #9, fond memories from HS/College, working together.

He sends me a random facebook message late at night: Hey how’s it goin? Good? Great. Now I’m going to ramble about how I miss my ex/your  friend Monica. Don’t worry it’s cool we’ve only been broken up for more than 4 years….

3 weeks later, Saturday:

We’re both at a house warming party, friendly conversation, he leaves before I do.

Texts to follow:
SMSonly: Hey it was great seeing you tonight. sorry i had to leave early. We should hang out sometime. Wanna grab dinner or drinks later this week?
Me: Sure.
SMSonly: Really?

Uhm…. who even says that?   Who TEXTS that?
Me: yeah. let’s talk tomorrow. [aw, crap. I just said 'yes' to a date with SMSonly! WTF? ]

Sunday
The next day we decide via text, again… that we’re going to meet for dinner Wednesday at a pub. Great.

Monday
The next day… around 8pm… (He plays softball on Monday nights for a bar league and goes to the team bar after games. Hmmm….)

SMSonly: Hey got any plans tomorrow?
Me: not yet
SMSonly: want to grab a drink?
Me: instead of dinner wednesday?
SMSonly: or both, I was thinking both.
Me: oh okay sure.

3 hours later…
SMSonly: Do you think it’s weird that I want to see you?

WHAT??? Who even says that? Who TEXTS that?

Me: Do YOU think it’s weird?
SMSonly: no, i like you, i don’t think it’s weird that I want to see you
Me: great, then I’ll see you tomorrow and we’ll hang out and have fun like we always used to.

SERIOUSLY, stop blatantly telling me that you’re nervous. Stop only drunkenly text messaging me. I want to know that you’re excited to hang out, not that you can’t believe that I actually agreed to go out with you. I rename him SMSonlywhendrunk.

Tuesday:

I cancel because he’s being weird and I don’t want to have to cancel Wednesday if Tuesday is awkward. I have a good excuse though, family friend is in town, haven’t seen her since I was probably 12. totally fair.

Wednesday:

The date goes really well. We have a TON in common, way more than I ever knew when he was in “the friend zone.” However, he was noticeably nervous… minimal eye contact and consistent foot tapping/leg shaking whatever. He relaxes when we play darts at another pub and he beats me by alot. But I don’t really care.

Fast forward to end of date:

Me: I had fun tonight. We should hang out again.
SMSonly: yeah, I did too.

*awkward friend hug*
30 minutes later

Text from SMSonly: I just thought you should know I had a really great time tonight

Me: Me too! Catch you later.

The following Monday night,  11:50pm…after softball and probably a couple beers.

I’m in bed, asleep already.

TEXT MESSAGE  again…  *Mind you, we’ve already talked on the phone. We have broken the seal. He can CALL me now.*

SMSonly: Hey, do you want to grab ice cream later this week?

**BAH-LETED** (in StrongBad voice)

Because I figure, hey, our entire relationship can’t be via text message right??  And well, if I tell you I had fun and say I’d be up for doing it again.  Why can’t you pick up the phone and call to ask me out on a 2nd date?  It’s late so you shouldn’t call, but then don’t text either.  I mean, will you forget in the morning that you wanted to ask me out again?  I have to say no…  So I deleted it, ignored it, and decided I would pretend as if I never got that text.  Because surely he’ll call….. right?  He’s a REAL man.

WRONG.

He didn’t even text again.

I know what you’re thinking… “Texting really isn’t that bad.  I mean, the wussier thing would be to send you a chat message on facebook. At least he didn’t try to send you a chat message on facebook, Right?”

WRONG.

FAIL.

NEXT.

It’s me again.  I HATE texting and refuse to do it, so I’m super biased. What do you guys think about SMS as a form of communication? Do you text? Would you text someone you wanted to date? Are Jovie, Kit, Jen and I crazy for thinking it’s a wussy way to be? Is it a girl thing?

Okay, people. I have some things to share with you. You can decide whether they are Good News or Bad News.

1. I took down my okcupid profile.

2.I told RDB I didn’t want to go on dates with other boys, just with him. (Dad: We’re coming on your next date, right?)

3. RDB and I are dating. (Mom: What’s his name?)

4. I decided I didn’t want to be linked in RDB’s mind with all his ex-girlfriends, so he’s not allowed to call me his “girlfriend” and neither are you.  (Dad: This is a weird game you are playing. I’m so glad I have Mom.)

5. I’ve got MORE  Guest Stars Blogs – FAILS to edit and post for you – our newest reporter “Jovie” from the MidWest took one for the team and went on a date with a chronic liar, and the Boy Who Couldn’t Man Up failed Jen’s most basic requirement: showing up for a date.

Upsetting, right?

Roller Derby Boy feels your pain, though. He feels bad about taking me out of the dating pool since he also enjoys reading the blog. To make up for it, he’s agreed to try his hand at chronicling some of the dates HE went on. Heh heh heh.

I invite your reactions.

“Ron and Tammy”

November 5th, 2009

“Now listen to one of mine.”

There’s nothing special about “Ron and Tammy,” except that it’s probably the funniest Parks and Recreation to date.

There’s a guest star, yes, but not one who feels overly forced into the story or on who the show relies too heavily. There’s no special event taking place in the context of the episode to make things more exciting than usual, and there’s even a B-Plot that has nothing to do with the A-Plot. And if you were to write down the plot of the episode without any context (which would read “Leslie and Ron feud with Library Services over an Empty Lot”), you would probably think this episode would be downright dreadful.

But what makes this episode so special is that this episode is less an aberration and more a sign that the momentum just isn’t going to go away, and that this sitcom has finally found its groove. The episode’s situation is one of the show’s funniest, and it features some of the best lines in the show’s short lifespan, but it feels like the show could have just as funny a scenario in the future without any trouble. It is an episode that not only convinces you that it is great, but also that the show behind the episode is just as strong if not stronger for having spawned it.

If you are for some reason still one of those people who never gave this show a chance, you need to watch this episode not because it is singularly great but because it is symptomatic of a broader greatness. You’ve been listening to the other guys, with their offices and sketch comedy shows, for long enough: tonight, listen to the genius of Ron F**kin’ Swanson.

It’s entertaining that I left this episode for last considering it was probably the night’s best, but what’s interesting is that we already knew that: critics saw the episode ahead of time, so they prepared us for its genius to the point where I was on the lookout for what Alan Sepinwall referred to as perhaps the best talking head in Greg Daniels Mockumentary history. So my delay in writing about it is not that I thought the episode wasn’t as good as they did, but rather that they already established how strong it was and thus made anything I had to say about it more chorus than solo.

But what I loved about the episode is that it didn’t really deviate very far from the show’s usual setups. I think my favourite thing about the episode is not the arrival of Tammy Swanson (played by Nick Offerman’s real-life wife Megan Mullally) but, instead, the idea that the Parks Department views the Library as a diabolical biker gang whose crystal meth is political savvy and whose guns are shushing. A lesser show might have made Tammy’s crusade to gain the park land a personal one, but on this show her actions are simply part for the course for the diabolical fiends at Library Services. When Ron gets brainwashed into believing Tammy’s strategy, Leslie tells him to listen to what he’s saying: of all of the horrible and miserable things in the world, he would build a library? To the Parks department, a library is the most worthless thing in the world, which is such a charming bureaucratic blindside that I would have laughed even if it hadn’t coincided with the genius of Ron getting tangled in his ex-wife’s complicated web of motel hookups and diner hookups and skin melding into skin.

That storyline really was all about the genius of Nick Offerman, who usually mines humour from Ron’s lack of emotional connection but here mined humour from the fact that Ron’s vitriolic anger regarding this ex-wife was all a coping mechanism to get over their intense sexual connection. The talking head that Alan referred to was, really, just plain genius:

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn’t real. Today, I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should’ve taken a picture of it.”

Everything about the line worked, from the hilarity of the photo behind him (which was really bizarre out of context but hilarious in context) to the matter of fact way he said it (especially his realization that he should have taken the photo. And the rest of the storyline worked as well, whether it was in broader moments (like Ron and Tammy stripping off their clothes while running from the car into the motel room, or Ron coming out of Library Services with a thumbtack in his forehead) or in smaller moments (like Leslie wearing her sharpest rings or Ron’s Tiger Woods-esque tradition of post-sex wardrobe). The storyline eventually comes to a head as Ron stands up to Tammy and saves the lot after Leslie proves willing to give it up in order for Ron to keep having sex, something no woman has ever done for him and that gives him the boldness required to break things off. Ron’s character is such that he had terrible marriages but would still get married again, stating all of it in the same matter of fact way, and Nick Offerman and the writers absolutely nailed him in this episode.

And yet, it did so without narrowing things in too greatly. The episode also had a fun little subplot of Andy replacing the former shoe shine guy in City Hall and deciding to use his new job as a way to cater to the elusive “Family Shoe Shine” demographic by plastering Ann’s face everywhere. Mark’s tension with this was nicely understated by having him run to other people in the office for advice (which works with Tom, who suggests the high road so he can have the low road for himself, but backfires when female co-worker whose name I never remember decides that Andy is the better physical specimen), and overall it was just a simple little story, well told and featuring both some fun awkward moments (like the wall of photos) and some clever scenes that allowed us to take a break from the main action.

The show just works now: Poehler was great with all of Leslie’s quirks (I especially loved her outright anger that anyone would ever desire to be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt), but also got to show Leslie backed into a corner and having to fight her way out from it. And while a half-hour comedy can’t make every character have a moment in an episode, what worked about this is how aware the show was of that limitation: it never tried to do too much, or conflate Ron’s story too greatly, and the result was a focused episode that involved characters without suffocating them and just plain made me laugh.

And right now, more than any other comedy in the lineup, Parks is operating largely without complaint and with a whole lot of laughs to go with it – with this and “Greg Pikitis,” the show is on quite the roll.

Cultural Observations

• The entire Old Gus cold open was gold, especially how hilarious Andy found it all to be – the shoe shine storyline is just an excuse to keep Andy (and thus Chris Pratt) around, but I’ll take it if there’s more scenes like these.
• Leslie thinking out loud was also a major win, as the pressure of the situation made her quirks seem far more logical: she wouldn’t knowingly fall into that pattern under normal circumstances, but with her park falling out from under her (that lot won’t beautify itself) she couldn’t help but go into crazy mode.
• It was almost too easy, but I still liked the “Andy tried out for both Survivor/Deal or no Deal -> Video that logically should be Survivor audition but is actually for Deal or no Deal” gag.
• I hope some day to own a home, or have an office, and in that office I shall put up a photo of breakfast food in honour of Ron Freakin’ Swanson – and I don’t even LIKE breakfast food.

Continuing on his quest for ultimate coolness, after finishing the much hyped arc on “General Hospital” James Franco will be guest starring on “30 Rock.”

Here’s the details from the source:

NBC declined to comment, but a Rock-solid insider tells me that Franco (playing himself) will be involved in a faux romance with Jane Krakowski’s Jenna — a relationship engineered by their respective agents. Sound familiar? It’s probably because this is the storyline Tina Fey floated by me at the Emmys way back in September.

“[Jenna gets] into a high-profile relationship with a movie star that is arranged by their agents,” Fey explained at the time.

Franco is scheduled to start work on his Rock eppy this week.

Tina Fey and James Franco acting together will be one of the funniest episodes of any show of recent memory.  I’m really excited to see this…

SOURCE

Give it up for my best friend, folks!  She’s sending this timely update from the Live Free or Die State.

My best friend, let’s call her “Kit,”  is attempting to date a cute but emotionally-overwrought man-boy. (“Kit” says if you get the nerdy reference and are a cute single straight guy to call her. ASAP.) We shall call the man-boy “Panic.” They’re on Volume III.  He’s all smart and funny and stuff, but sent her a minor novella explaining the minutiae of his internal overthought monologues. He wants to date, but he’s freaked out. He wants to cook dinner with her (wtf?) but likes being single.  He this, but that. Blah. Blah. Blah. WAY too much information. Kit’s patient, and Panic’s cute, and he agreed to have coffee with her first thing in the morning, as it was the least intimate setting.

This email was in my box this morning.

Kit writes…

Subject: How This Morning Went

Option 1: Preparedness
I go to bed early, wake up early, get ready for work and looking adorable but non-threateningly pretty, have tea and conversation with Panic, and we maybe figure out some of what on earth he was talking about in his novella

Option B: The Universe Hates Me
I fail to fall asleep, wake up throughout the night, oversleep by an hour and a half, rush out of the house, spend less than an hour talking with Panic, avoid any serious discussion, resolve nothing, and get another friend hug

ARRRRRRRGH!

Send her some good vibes, you guys. This is messy…She’s on her THIRD friend-hug with this guy!!

All right you guys. Let’s give it up for **JEN**  our fellow traveler in the world of okcupid!  She’s submitted this report from downtown Manhattan in a city that boasts nearly 200,000 more single women than men.

Jen writes…

If I were to do a Carrie Bradshaw voiceover for the episodes of my life, I think one of them would go something like, “Having been single my entire life, I decided to sign up for online dating.”

I’ve never had a boyfriend.

Ok, I had a German boyfriend for a week last winter. He was in town for a week. He’s nice and cute, but he’s in Germany, so we’re friends. But other than that, no boyfriends. This statement starts to get a bit awkward at the age of 26. And it’s just awful when it comes up on dates. It really shouldn’t come up on dates; it’s a bad topic of conversation. Do you really want to hear about my relationships with other guys? I don’t want to hear about your past relationships, especially not the physical part, especially not on the first date (more on that later).

So.

Second date with SMS boy. We’re at a bar. I’ve already impressed him by ordering a Guinness.

Me: how was your weekend?

SMS boy: Pretty low key. I spent Saturday hanging out with my sister, just watching dvds and ordered in Thai food. She’s pretty bummed out ’cause her boyfriend just broke up with her. They’d been together 2 years.

Me: Aww, that’s tough (tells anecdote about a friend who just broke up with her long time boyfriend).

SMS boy: (explains why he never liked his sister’s ex…tries to make it funny)

Me: ha. (not actually funny).

SMS boy: So what’s your longest relationship been?

Me: (in a fit of wanting to be more honest on dates) um…4 dates?

SMS boy: 4 dates!?

Me: Yeah

SMS boy: That’s not a relationship.

Me: I know.

(AWKWARD SILENCE)

Me: Let’s talk about something else.

And we did. What did we talk about? Don’t really remember. We went to a Japanese restaurant, where I barely made a dent in my udon (good sign that I like the boy). We went ‘halfsies’ on the bill (his word). Then I walked him to the subway where we shared a very nice good night kiss. This was on Monday. On Wednesday he sent me a message with the link to a youtube video for a song; just the link, nothing else. He’s a little bit of a ‘too cool for school’ kind of dude. He’s been trying to ‘woo’ me (his word, again) by sending me songs via youtube links that I don’t have the heart to tell him I don’t care for very much. I replied with a picture from the pumpkin carving party I went to on Sunday (subject: all the fun you missed).

End result: we have plans to hang out Sunday.

Thank you for all the nice comments!

Anders and I have spend our vacation week in Berlin, I didn’t bring my camera so I’m sorry to say; I don’t have evidence.  It would have been very hard not to blog if had brought it so it was intentional.

Our trip was great, lots of walking, eating, talking, coffee drinking, laughing, reading, writing and shopping.

Our friend Kristian doesn’t live in Berlin any more but we met up with Niller who was there for a congress and a guy called Jan who we know from Copenhagen, he recently moved to Berlin  to study. -You will all see a lot more to Jan later on; he agreed to feature as a”what I wore” guest star!

If things goes as planned this weeks fashion star will be posted tomorrow so stay tuned!

“The Incident”

October 14th, 2009

This is going to see like a really weird connection, but one of the things that I found really interesting about The CW’s Privileged was how quickly it dealt with its built-in back story. The show was dealing with an estranged mother and a distant father in its central protagonist, and it got both out of the way quickly…in fact, perhaps too quickly. The show never quite felt as purposeful when it moved past those interesting dynamics, and while they were important parts of its early identity it seemed like they could have been burned off more slowly to heighten their impact.

However, Modern Family makes an enormously compelling argument for getting back story out of the way, or at the very least the value of back story in the early stages of a sitcom’s development in particular. While the show is essentially checking off a list of recurring character we’ve yet to see (Benjamin Bratt was just cast as Gloria’s ex, for example), the seamless integration of Long into the cast only brings out more of our characters, and the way the episode depicts a past “Incident” is a hilarious piece of back story that does nothing to diminish what could be introduced with time. On a drama, a character like Long evokes the same kind of emotions each time she returns, and the show can only go there so many times. On a sitcom, however, as long as things remain funny and as long as a diverse set of characters are involved, you can keep on bringing her back with minimal loss of comic value.

And considering where this episode starts off at on that front, DeDe could be a funny recurring player on the show for seasons to come.

The flashback to Jay and Gloria’s wedding was the kind of piece of comedy that Steve Levitan must have had a lot of fun writing. The idea of having Shelley Long (who is, of course, best known for her role on Cheers) giving a drunken wedding toast and thrashing around in her sons’ arms as she is carried out of the reception. It’s a rare scenario where something ominously introduced as “The Incident,” and portended by a bird flying into a window and Claire’s children suddenly going from patty-cake to a fistfight, lives up to the hype: told through almost all of the characters, including Haley and Luke getting their first individual talking heads in the documentary style, it was legitimately hysterical and helped set into motion the events that followed.

What worked about the storyline was that DeDe’s arrival told us more about the regular characters than it did about her, primarily because the wedding video told us everything we needed to. She’s a tornado of a human being, but for her children she is a particular sort of evil. I love Claire and Mitchell’s conversation when they start falling into Mommy/Daddy, and you start to realize how easily these two boil down to particular roles. We even saw in the pilot how Mitchell takes after DeDe when it comes to criticizing Claire, and it’s clear that Claire gets along better with their father than Mitchell does. But the episode turned this simple fact into a comic highlight by having Mitchell become defensive about being his mother’s errand boy (which he totally is), and had Claire forced to confront her own parenting strategy in the wake of her mother’s hyper-criticism of her apparent hypocrisies.

This is to say nothing of the comedy that was coming from Long herself, and from those not directly related to her. I loved Cameron and Mitchell’s reactions, in particular Cameron who remains a comic highlight both when with Mitchell (pointing out that he had been the one who had suggested DeDe attending the wedding was a terrible idea) and alone (the fish who carries its babies in its mouth story was pure gold), and Long was very much in control of the character’s balance of tai-chi serenity and pure insanity. She got to show a lot of range in the episode, nailing the drunk toast brilliantly and then selling her newfound happiness with Chaz, a Canadian logger (of blood data), before eventually devolving into insanity the second Gloria becomes that much more awesome for forgiving her.

The show continues to rely on the big moments, here, DeDe and Gloria’s catfight, but they continue to be so absolutely hilarious that I can’t really complain about it. Phil grabbing onto Gloria (“I’ve got Gloria!”) was maybe the most I laughed all night, and Dylan’s faux-resolution to the conflict (and then ruining it with his desire to do Haley) was a whole lot of fun in the way the show has been since the beginning. The show is sometimes best for its throwaway lines, like the idea that Gloria’s first wedding was highlighted by drug dealers assassinating the judge (and yet was still better than her wedding to Jay) or Jay insinuating that her own mother waking from the grave would be less frightening than DeDe’s return. But then it pulls out all of the stops with broader comedy, and that turns into its highlight, only to have a smaller moment (everyone having Dylan’s song stuck in their head) make us laugh in a different way all over again.

It proves that this is a show that could introduce every character in its back story and yet keep working with just its normal cast: the episode largely relied on DeDe, but Manny got his own little storyline and Haley got to come more into her own as well. Guest stars on a comedy can often dominate the episode, but here I thought that we got a good balance of character moments both created by and unrelated to DeDe. In future weeks we’ll be seeing Elizabeth Banks and Edward Norton, and I really can’t wait to see what they bring out of these characters.

Cultural Observations

• ABC has released a music video of Dylan’s “In the Moonlight (Do Me),” which is clever but I’ll be honest: I think that The Office’s awkward sex song was better.
• Shelley Long is pretty much guaranteed an Emmy nomination for this role, and she’ll probably win considering her career goodwill.
• Cameron’s best line of the episode was without question “So to recap, I gave her diamond earrings and she gave me a hint.” The show hasn’t entirely made clear whether Cameron was ever skinny (the pilot indicated the recent weight fain was a baby weight thing). Mitchell’s “Take a note, bitches” kept him in the game as well.
• Phil remains a comic highlight, here with almost no help from DeDe: his malt shop persona with Haley was funny enough, but I also loved “Let’s go back to the beginning…what’s wrong with Spencer’s arm?”