US Weekly was only called US back then.  But if I titled the post “Us circa 1981″ you would have probably expect a post about me and my sisters in 1981 sitting in the mud sharing a bag of M & Ms, cause that’s who ‘Us’ was to me at that point in my life.

I was looking at old tabloid style magazines on  ebay last week, but the lack of photos for the listings bothered me.  I found a group of three US magazines from 1981 for about five bucks.  Even after I added the shipping to the cost, it was cheaper per issue than the ones on the news stand down the street, and this was vintage gossip!

It’s quite a change from what you see nowadays.  The pages are not glossy, there’s very few photos in color,  and there’s a whole lost less smut.  Also, they wrote about actual celebrities who are still recognizable today.  I doubt in thirty years people will pick up one of today’s copies and have a clue about the John and Kate stupidity that takes up every cover at the checkout stand currently.

I couldn’t think of a good way to convey any articles.  They are wordy with few pictures.  But the pictures are great, and the ads are even better.  Enjoy!

Three cheers for eggshell pantyhose containers!   In the eighties, my mother was the taupe pantyhose queen.  What a weird color to want your legs to appear.  Silly taupe.  She bought them by the dozen and I overtook the shells and  would find infinite uses for environment unfriendly packaging.

Not only did the articles have more words, the ads were essentially articles themselves.   Here we have Humphrey Lloyd and his lovely wife, who bought this bizarre ept test and were able to find out that she was going to have a baby TWO HOURS LATER?!?!  What are the parts used in the test up there?  Do I need a medical degree to figure them out?  Two hours…I cannot get over that.  When I found out about Max, I used an at home test.  The directions said results in three minutes and the results were two lines and not one.  Quick, easy, over.  Here you wait through all of Prime Time television and then have to decipher whether you see a brown ring inside of the orange and yellow muck.

I can imagine Humphrey getting all crazy-like during the two hours and driving his poor wife batty. I don’t buy that  Humphrey is a doctor, he lied.  He looks like a news anchorman or a Mercedes salesman.   He might be classy, but he will definitely talk your ear off.  He appears a decade or two older than the average  father of a newborn.  That’s why he’s on the verge of falling onto the little lady.  Humphrey  just screwed his retirement plans.

I was planning on saving this for the end, but I just showed you panty hose and a home pregnancy test.  I need to swing the mood to something more masculine or I am going to lose readers.  This is the best photo to complete that job.  It’s Tom Selleck and he’s covered in all that Tom Selleck hair!   Those shorts are a thing of strange beauty that must have only worked in the 1980’s.  I’m sure every woman and gay man alive thought Tom was IT for them.  Also, notice that he wears CBS logo clothes?  Can you imagine stars today walking around in shirts carrying the name of the place that pays them?

This was the last photo I took and it was after beating a housefly with this issue…so the magazine did not lie flat for the scan.

I haven’t see Raiders of the Lost Ark in years.  But I remember thinking it was a better than average flick.  The reviewer of the film rips it apart as though it’s just as poorly directed as Howard The Duck.

…our hero is never allowed to display any emotional attachment to anyone or anything except his trusty whip.

Of course not, he’s Harrison Ford, not Robert Redford.  Love for his whip is what we want from him.  Dr. Jones doesn’t need a  lady friend tying him down.  He needs to travel the world and save archeological artifacts.

Daughter: Here ya go dad, Happy Birthday!
Dad: Sweetie! You are so thoughtful, what is it?
Daughter: I love you dad and I love our Benson & Hedges smoke breaks together to escape  my crazy mother.  Here’s a box business cards for lung cancer specialists.
* they cry a little, and then light up*

There’s more.  I might let you see it later.  I also bought one issue from 1984 with a cover story about Micheal Jackson and his women, plural.  I need to get to the bottom of that ASAP.

Here’s a glance at some DVDs and CDs you can purchase in stores today.

Movies:

• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

One of the most anticipated movies during the summer is finally released on DVD.  Harrison Ford is back on another adventure in the latest Indiana Jones movie.  I haven’t seen it yet, but it was greatly popular, grossing close to $317 million domestically.  Here’s what some critics thought about the film.

Roger Ebert gave the movie 3.5/4 stars and said, “I can say that if you liked the other Indiana Jones movies, you will like this one, and that if you did not, there is no talking to you.”  Read the full review here.

While the majority of the critics liked the movie, some didn’t.  One critic being Peter Travers who gave the movie 2.5/4 stars and said, “Audiences looking for emotional resonance in Indy 4 are doomed to the temple of disappointment.”  Read the full review here.

• War, Inc.

This limited released film starring John Cusack, Marisa Tomei, and Hilary Duff showed that even these semi-stars can’t shine any light on movies about war.  Almost no one saw it ($515,643 gross), and critics followed suit (only 20 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes).  Anyway, here’s what the few critics who saw it said…

Claudia Puig of USA Today wrote, “Though it occasionally tries too hard, the fast-paced and sharply written War, Inc. is audacious and entertaining.”  Read the full review here.

While Claudia enjoyed the film, Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly did not.  He wrote, “[War, Inc. is] an overbearing lampoon of American war profiteering — a comedy so leaden it could make a liberal hate liberal Hollywood.”  Read the full review here.

• Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan

One of the best reviewed films that has been released onto DVD of late is Mongol, the story of Genghis Khan.

Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly gave Mongol a B+ rating and said, “Russian filmmaker Sergei Bodrov contrasts images of sweeping landscape and propulsive battle with potent scenes of emotional intimacy in Mongol.”  Read the full review here.

A.O. Scott of the New York Times also gave Mongol a favorable review.  He wrote, “Without irony or digital effects ‘Mongol,’ the first installment in a planned trilogy, tells the story of a solitary man’s rise to a position of great power.”  Read the full review here.

Music:

• Keane – “Perfect Symmetry”

Glen Gamboa of newsday.com gave this album a B.  He wrote, “Their latest, “Perfect Symmetry,” is wild and almost giddily experimental, channeling their dramatic, still sort of mopey, lyrical themes and Tom Chaplin’s soaring vocals into lighthearted new new-wave surroundings with surprising results.”  Read the full review here.

Alexis Petridis of The Guardian gave the album three stars (***/*****) and wrote, “Often during Perfect Symmetry, listeners of a certain age might find themselves recalling Simple Minds or Tears for Fears. Whether that thought fills you with delight or revulsion rather determines the album’s appeal.”  Read the full review here.

• Ray Lamontagne – “Gossip in the Grain”

Afton Lorraine Woodward of Express Night Out reviewed Lamontagne’s new album and wrote, “In fact, “Gossip” is to LaMontagne what “The Shepherd’s Dog” was to Iron and Wine in terms of musical diversification, proving that “man with guitar” is great, but “man with guitar plus extremely talented backup” can be, if not an improvement, at least a viable contrasting outlet for musical brilliance.”  Read the full review here.

Lauren Murphy of Entertainment.ie gave the album three stars (***/*****) and wrote, “It seems that Ray LaMontagne is frittering away his gift on half-hearted, overly sappy love songs. Still, there are certainly some genuinely enjoyable moments here, for fans and newcomers alike.”  Read the full review here.

Television:

• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – The Eighth Season

Ken Tucker of Entertainment Weekly reviewed the eighth season of CSI and gave it a rating of A-.  He wrote, “It’s not often these days that a mass audience embraces entertainment as stubbornly eccentric, unpredictably prickly, and emotionally ambivalent as this psychological petri dish disguised as a high-tech mystery series.”  Read the full review here.

He’s faced Nazis, Voodoo Witch Doctors, deadly traps, giant boulders and solved great mythic and biblical mysterious items…what’s next…..an ALIEN!!?

Note: Possible Spoiler – - – don’t read this post if you haven’t seen the movie yet

What really kicks me in the can is the fact that the artifact that they were seeking was of “EXTRA TERESTIAL ORIGIN”. All through out the movie half of my subconscious was screaming inside “say it isn’t so!”

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Despite the fact that all the “Signs” was there from the beginning, from the secret hanger- warehouse inside a military base in the Nevada Desert, with the huge “51” number, it should have been obvious it was actually “AREA 51”. That alone was screaming Aliens, U.F.O, E.T.
Even after the Dr. Jones told feds of his involvement in the Roswell crash cover up —
I was still hoping.

It was only later, that it dawned on me, I should have expected this…
With Steven Spielberg at the helm of this movie, it shouldn’t be hard to figure out that some sort of Extra Terrestrial would be involved. After all he made some of the classical sci-fi suspense and adventure films in the past.

You can’t mention Steven Spielberg with out remembering films like “E.T.” or “Close Encounters of The Third Kind”; it just wouldn’t feel right.

Amazingly or curiously enough when the alien finally regenerate itself by merging with all the other crystal bones and grow some flesh. The alien bare a huge resemblance to the aliens in Spielberg’s “close encounter movie”.

it looked like the big brother of the C.E.3K. Aliens, but definite bigger

I was actually half expecting that E.T. to make some sort of cameo appearance in the movie. In spite of these it was still a treat for me see Harrison fold in that old brown hat. I just love seeing his shadowy silhouette. Like in those classic film-moiré in black and white they act on their own.

I specially liked the part where Dr. Jones was tied to a chair and being interrogated, but he still has the hat. Where he was talking and his shadow was cast against a clear silk drape. You can see Dr. Jones talk but also see his shadow talk with him.

In the end it was not even a surprise to see the huge Alien U.F.O. rise from the ground where the Temple of the crystal skull stood, You already knew there had to be a spaceship in there somewhere. The revelation of the ship was not as good as the “Raiders of the lost Ark” when the spirits came out of the ark. There were no real traps for him to go through like in “the last crusade” only pieces of a riddle which were left by one his friends as clue.

Again I was half expecting Sean Connery to make a surprise appearance in the end. Though he was clearly stated to have passed away prior to this adventure; why not…. The aliens might have brought have him back from the past or revived him, given that they were more than just aliens but extra dimensional travelers.

I was expecting him to show up at the church door. Saying some thing like:

“You did again didn’t you Jr.!!? . . . . You just wont let an old goat die”
or
“Why was I not invited to this Occasion…. Anyway your work is not done yet Indiana!!”

Sadly it never happened.

Compared to a movie like Tomb Raider, This movie for me at least is far better. Indiana Jones has already done a lot . . . faced black magic in the “Temple of Doom” found the Ark and Holy Grail, faced the German army and even mange to get Hitler’s autograph.

The next on my “must see movies” for the week before they are pulled out of the theaters are Speed Racer and Forbidden kingdom. These two are just as cool as Indiana Jones, thats what I’ve heard so far.

Nigdy nie przypuszczałem że będę zmuszony pisać te słowa. Film, który wzbudzał moją ciekawość, tęsknotę do dzieciństwa w którym z wypiekami na twarzy śledziłem fantastyczne przygody doktora Jonesa, okazał się kompletnym niewypałem.

Fabuła jest więcej niż kontrowersyjna. W zasadzie ciężko jest pochwalić za coś ten element. Idiana chowający się w lodówce która w swej obudowie ma ołów, wychodzi bez szwanku z próby bomby atomowej. Indiana dociera do tajemniczej kryształowej czaszki która okazuje się być czaszką obcej formy życia która przybyła na ziemię ponad 5000 lat temu. Obcą formę życia nazwijmy trywialnie “ufoludkiem”, ponieważ na nic innego nie zasługuje. Wątek El Dorado miasta w górach Ameryki Południowej poprzez ufoludka został połączony z tajnymi bazami Armii Amerykańskiej w Nowym Meksyku, gdzie podobno wylądował kiedyś inny ufoludek. Okazał się on przedstawicielem tej samej rasy. Ponadto pojawianie się słabo zagranej Pani doktor z ZSRR, która na swym obcisłym wdzianku na plecach ma nadruk Sierpa i Młota i napis CCCP (po angieslku ZSRR, w języku rosyjskim pisze się to zupełnie inaczej), która jest ulubienicą Stalina i jeździ po całym świecie w poszukiwaniu artefaktów mających dać niebotyczną władzę swemu przełożonemu. Kolejna sprawa Indiana podejrzany przez FBI o sprzyjanie komunistą i zawieszony w pracy na Uniwersytecie. Beznadziejne wspominki o tym że ojciec (Sean Connery) i Marcus (w poprzednich częściach fajtłapa, kolega z Uniwersytetu) nie żyją. Epatowanie ich zdjęciami, tragedia! Pojawia się młody chłopak na motocyklu, ponieważ w latach 40 i 50 nastąpił wykwit młodzieży, która jak Marlon Brando Jeździła na Hareyach i nosiła skórzane kurtki. Młodzieniec okazuje się, co łatwo przewidzieć synem doktora Jonesa, którym on nie miał pojęcia. Matką Jonesa Juniora okazuje się towarzyszka Indiany z Filmu “Poszukiwacze Zaginionej Arki”. Zostają wprowadzone kolejne postaci zupełnie nie wiadomo dlaczego. Choćby przyjaciel dr Jonesa niejaki Oxley, o którym nigdy wcześniej nie słyszeliśmy, a także jakiś ni to brytyjski agent ni poszukiwacz przygód aktor nie znanego nazwiska ale zapamiętany z serialu “Robin Hood”(Will Szkarłatny). Wszystko wymieszane i pozbawione sensu.

Akcja zmienia się co rusz ale to jeszcze bardziej komplikuje sprawę. Film nie jest ani trochę ciekawy, jest nudny nie dopracowany i bezsensownie banalny. Nawet muzyka do tej pory wspaniała z której słyną John Williams jest nijaka.

Wszystko podane na sucho bez przypraw i sosu powoduje że jedyną rzeczą którą można zrobić podejmując trud skonsumowania tego gniota to się nim udławić!

Koniec banalny dr Jones bierze ślub z Marry a Jones Junior prawie przejmuje jego kapelusz.

Mam ogromną prośbę do George Lucasa. Proszę nie robić dalszych części.

“Artyści” zakpili z nas wiernych oglądaczy i podali nam produkt który ma się sprzedać poprzez marketing a nie poprzez wartość.

Wolę obejrzeć Mumię III widziałem zajawkę, też bezsensownie fantastycznie, ale Mumia III nie zrzuci z pomnika dr Jonesa. To zrobił sam George Lucas.

Przykro patrzeć, po prostu przykro patrzeć.

Od początku piszę że recenzja będzie krótka. Jestem świeżo po obejrzeniu filmu i jestem… załamany.

Takiego chłamu nie spotkałem dawno, powiązanie Indiany Jonesa z przybyszami z obcej planety to totalna porażka. Akcja nie trzyma się “kupy”, wątki uciekają nie wykorzystane możliwości.

T O T A L N A P O R A ż K A

NAPRAWDę NIE WARTO

Its that time of the year again, when every one who is anyone in Hollywood, travels to the south of France for the Ritzy Cannes Film Festival. This year the most anticipated film of the summer Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the talk of the town.

Its been 19 years since we’ve seen Indiana rode off in the sunset at the end of the last sequel, Indiana Jones and the last crusade. Young rising star Shia Labeouf joins the legends, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford.

The Young Star could learn a few things from these movie legends on how to make box office hits. Shia has been doing well on his own staring in movies like Transformers and the thriller Distubia. Shia has a comedic but exceptional acting range. The reason why we like him is because he is not overexposed, apart from a certain incident which we will not mention. Shia tends to focus his energy on his career and not on the streets of Hollywood or at night clubs, that probably the reason he got cast by Spielberg and Lucas in this film.

(photo via wireimage)