I had a couple hours of free time yesterday, and photoshop was open, so I decided to go ahead and tackle one of the most important artistic proposals of our time. That’s right the redesigning of Mount Rushmore! Clearly our founding fathers are awesome, but with the passage of time, greater heroes have come along. The greatest of these legendary Americans are, in no particular order, Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff, MacGuyver, and Bill Shatner. Let it be known that Bill Murray also should have had a place here, but the original designers only blasted four head slots into the mountain.
It should be noted that the construction of Mount Rushmore monument particularly wounded the Native Americans because the mountain was sacred to them. This proposal would heal those wounds on account of the sheer awesomeness of the figures involved.
Here is the original sorry monument

And here it is again, only awesome!

If there is any doubt about the mind-numbing awesomeness of these legendary beings, then let these four hallowed clips strike the doubt and ignorance from your mind.
First, Chuck Norris fights off a grizzly bear with rabbit punches and earns its respect. Watch in awe!

Next, the Hasselhoff defeating a menacing robot with a lightsaber. Behold!

Here is Macgyver fixing race relations in America and earning the love of Cuba Gooding Jr. in the process. Bear Witness!

And finally, William Shatner, a bold being from the stars, does something only comprehensible to enlightened beings. Shatner works in mysterious ways….

I rest my case

Jag såg America got talent ikväll. Hasselhoff är som vanligt stirrig och ser allmänt påtänd av något. Sharon pratar med en bebisröst och är sig själv. Jag halvkollade genom programmet, de flesta var riktigt dåliga som vi kan skratta åt, tokiga artister. Men i slutet av programmet skulle en man från USAs arme sjunga, han heter Daniel Jens. Det var skönt att vara hemma igen sade han. I kriget nånstans höll han modet uppe hos de stridande soldaterna. Jag visste inte att USA befann sig i krig? Ja just det, vad korkat av mig; de har ju invanderat och krigar på en annan plats. I alla fall sjöng han som en stolt amerikan. När Piers, ena jurymedlemmen sade att han hade karisma men borde öva på sina sångröst buade den amerikanska publiken. Här står en jänkare i uniform med stars n stripes på axeln och sjunger, precis anlänt från Irak då får man fan passa sin ord. Ingen baktalar en patriot, man måste falla in i ledet och vara en riktig american patriot. Ömma tår har dessa som bor i ett av världens yngsta etablerade länder. Vi får inte glömma att många invanderade Nordamerika och slaktade indianer på löpande band. Efter inbördeskrig blev syd-nord enat till en kontinent som heter USA.  Man måste fråga sig själv då varför de är överdrivet stolta. När deras förflutna är befläckat av indian och svartas slavars blod? Medan vi svenskar är äckligt mjäkiga och verkar nonchalera nationaldagen. Våran granne Norge är fan bättre på att vissa sin patriotism. Se klippet härnere från America Got Talent och avgör själva känslan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgEfkGz9v5M

It is the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.  A cause for celebration sure – but who really was the driving force behind its fall?

After thorough investigation it appears that it can only be one of two men who single-handedly reunited east and west Germany…

The singer, actor and action hero David Hasselhoff (pictured right covered in puppies) claims to have sung down the wall.

But…

The altitudinally challenged French President Nicolas Sarkozy has recently claimed that he was instrumental in the collapse, as he patiently chisled it away with a pickaxe (see right).

My money’s on the Hoff…

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more fucking awesome, it did.  The iPhone is my Jesus, giving me continued salvation in the palm of my hand.  David Hasselhoff  is God and I worship at the Temple of Hoff.  Now the two have merged into one.  Amen:

Ask The Hoff

Fuck the magic 8 Ball.  Enter The Hoff.  I often find myself struggling obsessively over day-to-day decisions.  No more.  Now I am proud to announce that my entire life can easily and effectively be guided by The Hoff.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  From the moment the app starts up and the glorious gospel choir sings heavenly Hoff praises, you know this app will be your forever guide to all of lifes most daunting choices.  Just shake the app and let one of 30 phrases lead you on the right path.  This is hands down my favorite app I have so far.  Get it now.  Hoff you go then…… 

iKITT

A shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist….on your fucking iPhone!  There was no better television show in the 80’s than Knight Rider, and geniuses at Thanatist Software have brought K.I.T.T. back and into the palm of your hand.  The quality of this app is beyond fucking amazing.  Everything from the start of the app, when K.I.T.T.’s lights and sound engage to the stunningly crisp quality of K.I.T.T.’s voice samples send me to boner city.  Landscape mode pulls up K.I.T.T.S.’s dashboard, that thanks to GPS technology, shows your actual driving speed.  Wow! Fucking Wow! Updates are said to include: K.A.R.R. samples, the K.I.T.T. scanner light, randomly timed sample playing, and more! So pull out your pleather jacket and your jeans that are two sizes to small. Mousse up your hair and climb behind the wheel of your 1992 Buick LeSabre and dare to dream that the upholstery isn’t covered in questionable stains and that the headliner isn’t being held up with tacks.  Instead you are Michael Knight, being guided by your crime fighting supercar, K.I.T.T.  It’s gonna be a good day.

Britain’s Got Talent vs. America’s Got Talent

Det har ikkje eg, men eg tipper framtida blir sånn cirka sånn.

At internett tar over livet vårt er ikkje noko nytt. Det utvikler seg i takt med aktivitetsnivået i eit vanlig hjem. Aktiviteten synker, og internettet utvides. Med andre ord, du er direkte ansvarlig for at naturen blir overgrodd, og at menneskeheten etter kvart kjem til å bli utrydda av ein hærskare av bjørner.

Jau.

Bjørner.

STORE bjørner.

Huansett, det har vert tydeleg at internett tek over hverdagen siden eg oppdaga at alle satt på bookfacen i skuletimene. Notater? Pft, kraftpunktet blei jo lasta opp på Det Lerar etter kvart uansett. Eg hugsar at eg kunne spionere på kva Hannah gjorde i ein heil time. Ikkje det at eg gjorde det. Kva tar dykk meg for? Eg skreiv notater, sjølvsagt! Notater om STORE bjørner, akkompagnert av ein lasersymfoni. Gode tider.

Herregud, digresjonar. INTERNETT TEK OVER VERDA. Enten det, eller så vil nokon at me skal tru det. Dei vil at me skal tru at folk bruker meir tid på facebook en å lese VG i papirformat.

…

NÆÆÆÆÆH. Med tanke på at dette har vært utruleg tydelig i fleire år no, må eg påstå at det ikkje er særlig vanskelig å forstå. Dykk heng to-tre år på etterskudd. Bravo. Dessutan får me den samme informasjonen i Facebook Ads som me får på vg.no, eller i avisa.

På ein litt meir seriøs sidenote, så er det ganske varslande. Facebook er opent for alle. Folk vil ha ein “dislike”-button. Og med all den kritikken mot facebook, du veit, den kritikken frå folk som tykkjer at facebook er eit verktøy for mobbere, trur eg det er ganske klart at det aldri kjem til å skje. Nokon får hetta når dei trur at bookface skal bli ein betalingsside. Eg hadde ikkje hatt noko mot det. Om det var 20 kroner måneden eller ei betaling a 100 kroner, eg hadde stemt for det. Så hadde me kanskje blitt kvitt dei små j- knottene som inviterer meg til “I HATE THE NEW LAYOUT GIVE ME DISLIKEBUTTON VIS EG FÅR 1000 MEDLEMER FØR I MÅRÅ SKA EG RUNKA FOR AN SØLV BERGE =P”-grupper.

Seriøst, slutt.

Internett er stort og flott, og har etter kvart blitt ein del av min kultur. Den yngre generasjonen lev praktiskt talt på nettet. Det er der me henter informasjon, det er der me samles. Mykje bra kjem frå nettet. Mykje drit kjem frå nettet. Wow. Det er jo nesten som verden, berre at det er på internett, og eg kan vera David Hasselhoff om eg berre vil. Noko eg vil.

Mitt namn er Hasselhoff. Og dette er min svarte speedo.

Åh, og forresten, så havna min forrige artikkel på forsida på kudos.no.

NOW MAKE IT HAPPEN AGAIN.

Man/myth/legend/German pop sensation David Hasselhoff announced the launch of his own iPhone app Ask the Hoff, undoubtedly his single most important contribution to modern technology since he first took the wheel of KITT in Knight Rider. Tied to the reality series Meet the Hasselhoffs and developed by agency Never Odd or Even in conjunction with the celeb’s own Hoffstuff Productions, the application claims to boast a download of Hasselhoff’s own brain–users can ask questions, shake their iPhone as if it were a Magic 8-Ball, and the app will respond with one of a series of pre-recorded answers delivered in Hasselhoff’s own voice. “I know there are moments when everyone faces major decisions in life and need advice from an expert,” Hasselhoff said in a prepared statement. “So as the proud owner of not one but two iPhones (I like to be able to make two phone calls at once!), I’m very pleased to announce the launch of my very own iPhone app.” The 99 cent app is available now from Apple’s App Store, which has apparently decided it will now approve anything.

The Jackson Five

I was perusing the internet (something alleged that it’s all I do at work, but, if it was  I feel like I’d have more ideas to post and, therefore, would be able to post more often) and I came across a story about the late  Michael Jackson.

No, it wasn’t another conspiracy website about where his body is, an ambulance license plate, or why his doctor wasn’t administering appropriate care. No Joe Jackson promoting his record label or the ”mother of his children” indirectly demanding money from him; just Michael…and Tito…and Jermaine.

Apparently, there is an Australian version of “America’s Got Talent” where Harry Connick, Jr. replaces the Hoff as the bad ass judge. Well, apparently Mr. Connick was offended when a group of five Australians, donning 1960s garb, black faces, and Afros, re-enacted a Jackson 5 skit from the same time period. This skit was, to Connick, racist, offensive, disgusting, and, most importantly, un-American.

While I do agree that Harry Connick Jr. is the Australian equivalent of the Hoff (see below), I felt that his reaction to it was, well, a bit much.

While I do understand the racist implications of white men painting themselves black and imitating the Jackson 5, I don’t remember Mr. Connick saying anything about Tropic Thunder  (irony or coincidence that Downey’s character playing a character was also Australian?) or the Wayans Brothers.

However, I do believe that he did have a point in being offended by the white man painting his face white in order to imitate the King of Pop; if they wanted to be realistic, that person would have been under five feet tall and darker, just like Michael was back then. While it is unfortunate that Michael Jackson did lose his pigment, Harry Connick Jr. might have had a better argument to complain and be offended by that.

And, if this doesn’t offend you in any way, there’s always Mel Gibson.

Michael Moorstedt hat heute in der Süddeutschen Zeitung der Neuauflage von Michael Knight und Kitt ein eher mittelmäßiges Zeugnis erteilt. Der Pilotfilm zur Sendung lief am Abend auf RTL und bestätigt in meinen Augen Moorstedts Meinung in einigen Punkten. Dessen schöner Vergleich des neuen Kitts mit einem getunten Auto der MTV-Show Pimp my Ride stimmt genauso wie die Tatsache, dass der neue Kitt  nerviger, klugscheißender und uncooler ist als der alte. Aber der rote Streifen an der Nase des Wagens ist glücklicherweise geblieben, Kitts Stimme hingegen nicht. David Hasselhoff wurde indes durch JUSTIN BRUENING ersetzt.

Kitt ist außerdem moderner geworden, aus einem Pontiac Trans Am wurde ein Ford Mustang Shelby GT500. Dieser kann sich verwandeln, er kann sich dank nanotechnologischer Fortschritte im Handumdrehen selbst reparieren und somit auch – wie im Pilotfilm mehrfach gezeigt – vor Kugeln schützen und bei Crashs unzerstörbar sein. Aber leider ist Kitt viel weniger Kult, genauso wie die Serie nicht mehr so kultig wirkt. Das liegt wahrscheinlich aber auch daran, dass die Helden der Jugend in einem Revival nicht mehr den früheren Kultcharakter erreichen können. Immerhin hatte David Hasselhoff noch seinen Auftritt im Film. Er stellte sich seinem Sohn, dem neuen Michael Knight, vor, sagte ihm ein paar pathetische Worte und verschwand. Zum Ende gibt’s dann auch wieder den Original-Soundtrack, wenn auch etwas gepimpt, und die fahrende Truckgarage.

Insgesamt wirkt die Neuauflage der früheren Pflichtserie – zumindest für die Coolen – softer, emotionaler und pathetischer als der Ursprüngling. Superman und Parker Lewis schweben irgendwie mit. Kitt und sein Herrchen haben sich angepasst – an die Herausforderungen des 21. Jahrhunderts und an die Zielgruppe, die zwar gleich alt aber ganz anders sozialisiert ist. Gleich zu Beginn wird der neue Held Bruening mit zwei Frauen im Bett gezeigt und knutscht am Ende auch noch mit seiner alten Jugendliebe. Romantik der Moderne eben. Zudem ist die ermittelnde Polizistin lesbisch.

Das Grundprinzip ist hingegen geblieben, aber die Serie ist eben mehr Show, dafür weniger kultig geworden. Kult kann sich jedoch natürlich noch entwickeln. Dank des Sounds und des roten Streifens bei Kitt kann man auch jetzt noch in den alten Lederjacken-Zeiten schwelgen. Wer das möchte, muss sich entweder Samstagnachmittag vor die Glotze hocken oder das Netz durchforsten. Suchwort: Knight Rider

they’re older but obviously need their moment on here

how can the first video be so creative but the second one is all i really want to watch?
mysteries of the universe.

Oooh, goody goody goody…I’ve been waiting for this douchebag to give me an excuse to tear him apart. So where do I start. David Hasselhoff, wash up actor extraordinaire, was taken to hospital on Sunday night after his 17 yr old daughter called the police saying she had spoken to her dad on the phone and he sounded extremely drunk. This is the same David Hasselhoff that was filmed by his daughter a couple of years ago, drunk as sh*t trying to eat a cheeseburger. This big dumb bear is so juiced that he’s having more trouble eating that cheeseburger than I would writing a linear algebra exam after a 3 day bender involving Absinthe, peyote and various barbituates. His poor daughter is asking him over and over to stop drinking, and all he can mumble is “f**k you….mumblemumblemumble..life…mumblemumblemumble bullshit”. Like congratulations you old pathetic bastard, cussing out your 12 year old daughter for giving a sh*t about your old haggard ass. Then some wiseguy decides to give this waste of life a judging position on America’s got Talent…funny, because I don’t remember anyone in the world (except in Germany, but they don’t count) thinking this guy has talent. So how can he judge others? Well, if you’ve watched the show, you know full well he can’t. He desperately tries to get the crowd to laugh at his jokes, and has absolutely nothing of interest to say about anything, ever. Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne generally make the decisions, and Hasselhoff is the clown put on there for the whole world to laugh at (not with).

So now, this issue has come up with him going to the hospital on Sunday for being annihilated, when he was supposed to have kicked the habit. This is the crown jewel of the story: Hasselhoff’s excuse. According to his peeps, Hasselhoff was on medication for an ear infection, and that medication conflicted with the drug Antabuse, that Hasselhoff is on for his alcholism, and it “messed up his equilibrium”. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You think because at one point in your life you were one of the stars of a successful show, that people are going to believe any bullshit you feed them? Well I got news for you you old wrinkled bastard…there were only two reasons people watched Baywatch, and those two reasons sat comfortably on Pamela Anderson’s chest. The only reason you had a music career in Germany is because they couldn’t understand what the f**k you were singing about, and you could have copied and pasted any random actor into your role in Knight Rider, and it probably would have been even MORE successful. People watched it for the car, not you.

I for one, am fed up with TV people giving this deadbeat opportunities to continue making something of himself. He is just a washed up dirtbag, who not only abused vodka,  but also his ex- wife and his children. If only this son of a bitch was as good a father to HIS kids as he was to Hobie Buchanan. Someone please kill this guy’s career.

Thanks to this blog, I recently got a gig writing every once in a while for my online school newspaper (I know, what were they thinking). Anywhoooos, this was the most recent review i did for the new book I drink for a Reason by comedian David Cross.

Much to the delight of his already large cult following, and to the chagrin of every God fearing, Jim Belushi loving, conservative Republican scrapbooker out there – David Cross of Arrested Development and Mr. Show recently published his first novel I Drink for a Reason. Cross’s novel reads like a great David Sedaris vignette, if only David Sedaris was a self-hating Jewish man turned Atheist that wanted the world to know exactly how much he hates Bill O’Reilly. This at times, laugh out loud novel, also offends, alienates, berates, and ridicules everyone who has ever shopped at Urban Outfitters, loves America, or enjoyed listening to a Mary J. Blige Song.

Cross, who got his start writing for The Ben Stiller Show, demonstrates that he may be better as part of an ensemble than standing on his own two feet. Anyone familiar with Cross has come to expect left-wing political and social commentary, but in this novel his humor falls quite short of its usual shock value antics. At times Cross is downright accusatory of the American public in his critique of politics, media and society, in a not so comical way. Many of his essays, short fictional stories, and observational pieces are merely (cleverly and not so cleverly titled) foundations to assert the stupidity of the American people. Cross is known for his blunt and outspoken criticism of the failings of the American machine, but his narrative voice crosses the line between satire and proselytism. As a confessed self hating Jew turned Atheist, Cross churns out more racial slurs than an inebriated Mel Gibson. His rants are so abundant and haphazard that copious drug use is about the only explanation that comes to mind. I found myself scratching my head at lists such as: Eleven Vitamins You Will Have in Limbo, and Involuntary Random Thoughts I’ve Had Not Always When I Was Pooping But Certainly Sometimes When I Was Pooping.

In visualizing what this book might look like if it was a YouTube clip, I think I Drink for a Reason would be the love child of “Drunk David Hasselhoff Eats a Cheeseburger,” and “Blind Date With a Crack Whore” (if you haven’t seen them, do it now – both are classics.) This book makes for good reading material if you happen to love turrets, hate God, or have a list of not-yet-in existence YouTube clips of babies doing outlandish things. Then, boy do I have the book for you! If you don’t happen to fall into any of those categories, fear not, Cross’s book is fun for the whole family, unless your Aunt Dotty happens to love Jesus and/or political correctness. If that’s the case then perhaps The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ is more her speed…

Actor David Hasselhoff was hospitalized this Sunday, after his daughter found him almost unconscious in his residence in Encino.
The teenager called her mother, Pamela, telling her that David is very drunk. One of Pamela friends called the emergency room, then the paramedics transported Hasselhoff to the hospital.
This is the second time that she finds her father in an advanced state of drunkenness. A few months ago, the actor was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, after his ex-wife called an ambulance to his residence.
It seems that the actor arrived at the hospital at least seven times in the last two years due to excess alcohol.

Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives. I’m looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has has such a significance for so many. -David Hasselhoff

FIXED.

   Hay veces en que te sorprendes de los intrincados mecanismos con los que los productores de las nuevas series americanas intentan abducir tu cerebro. El caso más rocambolesco es el de la última versión del injustamente denostado KITT. Vista en retrospectiva, aquella serie de protagonista socarrón (y me refiero al coche, por supuesto) que lanzó a la fama al único personaje de toda la historia de la televisión que aparecía en todas las escenas de todos los capítulos con la misma ropa (ese Hasselhoff de pelo sobresaliente), era una obra de arte. La nueva versión ofrece todo lo necesario para hacer brillar el recuerdo de aquel Trans Am de voz emocionada como una joya familiar.

   La serie adolece de tal cantidad de errores básicos que yo, personalmente, creo que todo es una estrategia para que el boca a boca haga de la serie un fenómeno (algo similar, salvando las distancias,  a lo que sucedió con Tómbola y sus peleas en el barro de la ignorancia y el mal gusto) Demasiado tarde, por lo que tengo entendido según los rumores que tiñen el aire de luto…

   Lo único bueno es la elección del nuevo modelo de automóvil, pues el Mustang es un auténtico coloso en la pantalla. Pero todo se acaba ahí, como si a los desarrolladores se les hubiera acabado la gasolina mental tras ver la estampa del coche e hincharse de satisfacción. Para comenzar, la voz del nuevo KITT es la más insustancial que yo recuerdo en un doblaje (al nivel de Verónica Forqué en El Resplandor), haciendo que el Mustang parezca más una caja de zapatos pintada de negro que una supermáquina a la que se intenta dotar de cualidades humanas a través, precisamente, de la voz. Si al menos hubiesen puesto como doblador al genial Constantino Romero…

   Por otro lado, la elección del reparto es dudosa, pero teniendo en cuenta los diálogos y las situaciones que se suceden capítulo tras capítulo, podrían haber interpretado la serie Al Pacino y Scarlett Johansson y seguiría siendo un bodrio de primera categoría. Dos parejas de chicos guapos (cada uno en su estilo…) y chicas de tetas siliconadas soltando topicazos y frases del estilo de “se nota que ya os conocéis de antes, ¿a qué esperáis para ir a echar un polvo (con perdón, es textual)?”. De aquí no podría salir nada bueno…

   Y, de hecho, ¡es que no hay más reparto! Al resto de actores que no cumplían estos requisitos simplemente se les eliminó… ¡A todos en el mismo capítulo! Incluída a la joven policía de color a la que por lo visto no le habían encontrado pareja en la serie, por lo que ya no les debía servir para nada… ¿He oído recorte de presupuesto por baja audiencia?

   El caso es que, obviamente, la serie ha sido un fiasco y probablemente sea eliminada, pero así, a lo tonto, yo he acabado viéndola todos los jueves por la noche para escuchar la última sandez, reírme a gusto, librarme del stress, y tener algo gracioso que comentar con los compañeros de trabajo al día siguiente (lo que implica que ellos también han acabado viéndola)

   ¡¡¡KITT, te necesitamos!!! ¡Aunque sea en una nueva versión española con un Ford Fiesta sin turbo impulso lateral, con Antonio Resines y Jorge Sanz haciendo de Michael Knight!