A friend emailed this to me. I am currently at Stage 4 and my heart is well on the road to recovery.

You definitely know it’s time to stop brooding over your broken heart when you start to notice that your friends are ditching you (for some odd reason, analyzing the “break-up hug” for 3 hours a pop seems boring to them). This grieving process is perfectly natural, and everyone has their own way of getting over a broken heart.

STAGE 1: THE REALIZATION – Lately you notice that things have been a bit rocky between you and your partner, well rocky may be an understatement. TREMULOUS, ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL is much more like it. Somehow, the sparks that were flying at the beginning of the relationship have now turned into an uncontrollable forest fire. Ultimately, you need to muster up the courage and face the fact that things aren’t working.

STAGE 2: THE ACTUAL REALIZATION – Okay, so, what happens now when you realize you can never call them again for a quick cup of coffee… or, at all? What if you start to miss them? You might start to think maybe it wasn’t a good idea to break up after all. And then you have an epiphany. Of course it was a good idea — the relationship wasn’t working out. Just keep reminding yourself why you broke up in the first place and don’t call them.

STAGE 3: THE CRAPPY PART - Once you realize that your life will be different this is what I call the crap-pi-phany (like epiphany). You go through the phase of listening to songs that remind you of them. Life may seem over, but trust me, time heals all wounds and even a broken heart will mend over time.

STAGE 4: THE RAGE - Bitterness. You list all their annoying traits that you once thought was actually cute. You get up of the sofa and dress to impress. Now that you look good and feel good you can actually say and believe, “if they don’t want me, that’s their problem, not mine.” Over time you start missing them less and less.

STAGE 5: THE CRUSH - Over time you’ll begin to realize that your ex isn’t the only one in the world. Wow! There are some damn fine peeps in this city. Even if you’re not ready to start an intense relationship with somebody else, get out there and start having fun again. You’ll get over your ex a lot faster if you stop moping around.

STAGE 6: FREEDOM! -You haven’t thought about your ex in days, and BAM, there they are strolling down the street with someone else, AND your stomach doesn’t lurch as if there’s a gerbil on steroids lodged in your intestines, your face doesn’t even turn bright red. When you say hi, your ex looks more uncomfortable than you. You smile, because now you know you are finally free and ready to open up and love again.

This concludes my analysis of the trauma of a broken heart. Although some stages may be longer than others, the important thing to remember is, you WILL get over this. Over time the pain will heal and you’ll be ready to let others in and share your wonderful self with them. If they break your heart, learn, feel (because it’s important to be human), and live again. 

I thought I could write the next chapter, but I’m just not ready. Too much going on, and I don’t have time to get down and out.

It takes me to the deep, dark place…the place I’ve fought so hard to get out of.

I got a teaching job! English and journalism! I’m super excited and right now, I need to stay focused on that.

So, I’m sure there will be lots of comments and posts about teaching over the next few months. And once I finish the semester, I can focus on writing my book…

YAY for having a big girl job with a big girl paycheck!!!

Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don’t wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma’s in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season’s greetings, hope you’re well
Well I’m doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

You were mine

I was left with broken dreams and a broken heart. Somedays, the pain and the feeling of loneliness, just keeps pulling me down into the abyss of darkness. I try to claw my way out towards a new love.

I don’t want to fail in love again… I think I am afraid to fall in love again.

Eventually, I will conquer my fear. Love has so much to offer.

Written by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
Performed by Simon & Garfunkel(as Simon and Garfunkel)

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
(On the side of a hill in the deep forest green)
Parsely, sage, rosemary and thyme
(Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground)
Without no seams nor needlework
(Blankets and bedclothes a child of the mountains)
Then she’ll be a true love of mine
(Sleeps unaware of the clarion call)

Tell her to find me an acre of land
(On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves)
Parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme
(Washed is the ground with so many tears)
Between the salt water and the sea strand
(A soldier cleans and polishes a gun)
Then she’ll be a true love of mine

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather
(War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsely, sage, rosemary and thyme
(Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And to gather it all in a bunch of heather
(And to fight for a cause they’ve long ago forgotten)
Then she’ll be a true love of mine

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Because even now as I study for finals you are under, over, and in between every line that I read and every word that I translate as much as I try to focus. I can’t help thinking about you. When I think about next semester I know that things need to change, that I need to shape up, that things need to be less dramatic or something, but I just can’t imagine that happening. How did I become this person that couldn’t let go? Tim said:

“No one is asking you to let go of your grief on a time table because it will happen when you are ready and only God knows that time. However, I am asking that you look at the pain in your life and then look to God with the knowledge that you can be made whole… God knows the agony in your soul and He will do something about it.”

But I can hardly imagine a time when I won’t look back on something, regret my disregard, and simply need to zone out in a fit of fury, sadness, loss, and just… miss you. I can’t ever imagine a time when my grief will cease and when I will no longer be hung up on the past. I don’t want it to shape me. I don’t want it to have had a “purpose”.

“The memories will be what you choose them to be; they can either fit your suffering or help dispel it.”

As much as I agree with that, Tim, how can I just choose that they be one thing or the other? How can I make such emphatic decisions when I can’t even take care of myself from one day to the next?

So many firsts are coming up… first finals season without you to vent to, first winter break without you to visit, first Christmas without you, first New Years where I won’t be texting “Happy Birthday!” to you. As I think about all of these things, I just have one wish – to have you back. More than I need anything else, I just want to have you back.

Stuffed animals

A box of chocolate

Romantic dates

Sweet kisses

Love is in the air.

Tears ran down my cheeks

As he said the final words

Ending our relationship.

I loved you

Supported you

Through thick and thin.

What happened?

How did we get here?

I still love and care for you.

Don’t you feel the same?

“We’re growing apart,” he says.

“Since when?,” I asked.

“In the last few months,” he answered.

What do I do now?

My heart can’t take this pain.

This hurts too much

Too many memories to count.

How could it all end here?

What do I tell my family and friends?

I never saw it coming

Heartache.

Dear Natalie,

I am writing you this letter in regard to your Animus. It will be much easier to relate to you, since Animus is stubborn, and once he is set on something, it will not get out of his head. Unfairly so, most of the time, since I have done nothing but be there for him (and, I’m barely friends with Alex now, so I’m not sure why he was so worried).  I was always supportive of whatever antic he wanted to participate in.

What happened to “You’re a mountain that I’d like to climb; Not to conquer, but to share in the view; You’re a bonfire and I’m gathered ’round you; Set this old black heart inertia aflame…“? I just don’t understand how his view of me could change so dramatically in just a few days. If that was an act for months, then the world makes no sense at all. It pains me that all of his words turned out to be false. I guess I was mistaken when I thought he took a personal interest in me (after all, after we met I got a text about how awesome I was…I must have been confused).

I confessed everything to my family. I told my mom how he was married before, and how he still lives with his ex. Her response was that it didn’t matter and she wouldn’t have cared if he was or wasn’t.  I told her about his obsession with politics; she said as long as he doesn’t push his ideas on her, then she’s fine (my mom is like me where politics bore her to tears). The only thing she said he was wasting his time and money on, was art school. Graphic design artists are a dime a dozen nowadays.

I don’t believe he ever gave me a chance to be with him. I was stuck in a rut, and thus very uneasy most of the time. When I finally change my situation, he already has made it up in his head that I am apprehensive permanently. I didn’t even feel at home in my place of residence let alone anywhere else. I felt at home with him though.

I didn’t want to let him into my heart, Nat. But somehow he burst in and made me love him. I feel now, that I cared about him too much and he cared about me too little. There was no more room in his heart for me, due to what others had taken from him. I am disconcerted that my soul strings are tied up with his, never able to cut or break them. That’s what happens when you love someone. It hurts that it seems that this whole thing hasn’t even phased him. He isn’t the one plagued by dreams of me every night, as I am of him. It feels like he never really did want to share that view with me.

Love always,

Lauren

P.S. He knows the song quoted is Black Heart inertia, by Incubus. It was the ringtone he set for me on his phone. It touched my heart when he told me that.

Songwriters : Baxter, Lou; Moore, Johnny

oh winter, winter couldn’t come quicker.
hope she got the card that i sent her,
a free ticket to my doorstep.
i’m a worried man, no i haven’t slept.
i’m writing her and mister santa claus,
hoping he could maybe make some calls,
’cause she’s out of this world, bring it back to me.
’cause it’s christmas and this is where she needs to be.

and a happy new…
year…

So, looks as though the kids have chosen to live w/my ex again…In which case, there is nothing holding me here in Tx. I may be moving back up to NJ/NY sooner than I thought….

It’s been over a week and I’m still unbelievably sad.  I keep thinking this is a nightmare and one morning I’ll wake up and find him curled up next to me, hugging me tightly.

Reality is, this is not a dream.  He did not want to be with me. 

I am not myself.  No matter how many dinners and glasses of wine I have with friends, how long and hard I workout at the gym, or even how many movies I watch, at the end of the day, we’re still over. 

And I’m left missing him, more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. 

I am not myself.

You came back again

And I let you in

Because I still loved you

from way back when

Telling me the things

you did back then

And it was like a dream

All over again

Your love is contageous

your sweetness makes me smile

your romantic tendencies

touching me

across the miles

Your words seem so sincere

words that I long to hear

But just as I believed again

Your love has disappeared

Should I cry

should I weep

Should I be angry

Should I  leave

Because I wore my heart

again on my sleeve

Should I feel silly

because I am not so smart

to let you again

break my heart

but oh

tho i cry

Oh

tho i weep

I still feel the love for you

my feelings run deep

And tho

you may go

and never come back

and though what you do

seems a little out of whack

and tho

you may never know

the feelings inside

and not realize

how hard true love is to find

I will be here again until

you have found your way

like a beacon of love

everyday

For I know the journey

has one purpose

tho we are meant to get

lost along the way

tho I know our experiences

are in different times

and in different ways

Hopefully you will find

that my heart

is your home

And one day

you will stay

]]> http://andiwalkalone.wordpress.com/2009/12/20/is-my-heart/ Sun, 20 Dec 2009 12:50:47 +0000 Me http://andiwalkalone.wordpress.com/2009/12/20/is-my-heart/

I smiled and laughed. I thought my heart smiled and laughed with me.

Is my heart just cautious?

Or, is my heart dead? 

I almost laughed when I read the first few lines of ZX’s latest post. Before you think I am farking cruel, know that I did the same thing at about the same time. But besides that, it’s a different mood, different emotions, different situation, different reasons, different every-fucking-thing.

I don’t take well to physical force. It reminds me of you-know-who doing you-know-what. I believe I once mentioned I hate being pushed so bad I’d rather take a slap anytime. But unlike a push, I always retaliate slaps. So don’t try.

Edging in a word of fairness, Dan never asked me about ZX’s whereabouts more than 3 times from beginning to end. But that’s the furthest I’m going, because how outsiders and how the couple involved see a relationship can be as different as Jekyll and Hyde.

Is this the proverbial “honeymoon’s over” stage? The point where the ‘cute differences’ become fucking irritating habits that cause irreconcilable rifts? Given our personalities, I thought it’d never come. Thought we’d spend a good few years laughing at each other, laughing with each other, licking each other’s wounds, ganging up. Always us against the world, never each other. But of late, it’s a mutual minefield. Too many pet peeves on either side. Well now we may never have to fight again.

Do it once, you can do it again. I’m not willing to stick around just to find that out.

I wish you wouldn’t worry so. There’s hope in every breath. But when fear infects the bones, I’m told, the heart is always next.

- Source Unknown

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you

Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am

Come break me down
Marry me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you

Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come, break me down
Break me down
Break me down

What if I wanted to break?
What if I, what if I, what if I
Bury me, bury me

For those of you who have not been reading my Christmas Story’s (normally on a Thursday) up to now, each year I write a special holiday story, and have done since 1999. I will share them each week until finally just before Christmas I will publish this seasons story.

Today’s is from 2007, and one of my own favourites a narrated version (will be added later) for those who like to listen rather than read.

SHADOWS ON THE WALL (2007)

He took the last photo frame from the wall, and added it to several others in a small box on the table. He looked around the room, then back at the box.

Was that it?

Three years of living with Jane, fitting into one small cardboard box, and a few shadows on the wall where the pictures had hung. His eyes wondered to a small dent in the wall near the kitchen door… No quite all!

He shook his hand remembering how in his rage he’d punched the wall.

It was three months ago, since that day he’d come home early to find the woman whom he had thought was the love of his life, in bed with a complete stranger. She had not even tried to disguise what she was doing, just laid there with a smirk on her face.

“Now you know.” Was all she’d said.

He’d turned and walked out, but not before hitting the wall so hard with his fist, he’d broken several bones in his hand.

After a night lost in various bars, he’d arrived home to find Jane gone.

Over the next few weeks several friends, or at least a people he’d thought as a being friends, had told him, that Jane had been “playing around” some time. Like a jigsaw puzzle, small items from the previous months had fallen into place, and he realized just what an idiot he’d been.

Weeks turned into months and the shops started to fill with the glittering sights and sounds that can only belong to Christmas. His house still remained empty, except for memories.

One night he was sitting in the chair sipping a drink, looking at the shadows left from where the pictures used to be.

Had he ever known love, true love?

His mind went back five years to the summer he’d spent in France after graduating from college. Yes he had known love, known it and lost it.

It had been a wonderful time, the cares of studying over, the pressure of a job not yet begun. Six months lazing about in the sun in the south of France. Then there had been Pascal.

He’d been sitting in a bar next to the beach when she’d walked in, the sun had been setting seemingly surrounding her with a red glow, that matched the copper tinge of her hair, making her look almost on fire. Like in all good romance movies there eyes had met across the crowded floor… But in his case, she’d looked at him, then turned and walked back out the bar.

That brief moment of eye contact had though, left a message written across his heart, setting him a challenge, which over the next couple weeks he’d taken up.

Ten days from the moment their eyes first met, they’d laid in each others arms, bodies, hearts and minds joined as one.

For the rest of the summer they had been together, until he’d had to leave, even then phone calls and emails had kept their romance alive.

Then one day she’d told him on the phone that she would not be contacting him any more, she did not give her reasons, and her last words of “I will always love you.” had just left him confused, as well as heart broken.

Yes he thought, his eyes once more straying to the shadows on the wall, he had known love.

His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the front door bell. When he opened the door, there stood a woman perhaps a little younger than him, with dark hair. She handed him a letter, written on the top envelope was his name.

“Please,” the woman said, with a slight hint of a French accent “you have to read the letter.”

He went to open the letter then noticed a small face peering from behind the woman, her curly red hair only half hidden by her hat. Something about her seemed familiar.

“Please,” he said opening the door, “come inside.”

He led the pair into the living room, where they sat while he opened the letter.

“Peter,” he read “if you receive this letter, I will no longer be with you. I have been very ill, and I know my time in this world is not much longer.”

He looked up at the woman, and noticed the dark rings under her eyes.

He read on.

“My love, I have never forgotten you, and saying goodbye to you over the phone like I did was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say.”

A shock of reality hit him. He looked up at the woman, his lips mouthing one word… “Pascal?”

The woman nodded.

“Oui… I mean yes she sadly passed away two weeks ago, but made me promise to bring you the letter before she died. I am Joelle, Pascal’s sister.” He could see the tears starting to swell in Joelle’s eyes. Not knowing what to say he want back to the letter.

“I had to say what I did, I know now perhaps it was wrong, but at the time, I did not want you to hate me.”

How could he ever have hated her?

“I was confused, embarrassed and scared.
Later I realized that I’d done was wrong and that you, of all people would have understood, but by then it was too late. The words had been said, the deed had been done. Peter, a few months after you left I found I was pregnant.”

The room seemed to spin, a myriad of emotions swept through him like a tidal wave. The rest of the words seemed to swim before his eyes until he got to the last line.

“Please don’t be mad at me, and remember I will always love you.”

He put down the letter his hands trembling, a thousand questions springing to his lips each remaining un-asked.

Joelle, ushered the small girl towards him, a package clasped in her hands.

“This,” she said, her eyes now filled with tears. “Is Pascal’s daughter, her name is Angela. She has a gift for you.”

“Me.r..r..y Christ..mas..” Angela said, her face breaking into a smile of pleasure that she had managed to say the words correctly.

“Thank you, Angela. Bonne Noelle to you” he said taking the package from the small hands, now noticing how much she looked like her mother.

The child gave him a small smile, her fingers just touching his for a moment.

Slowly he opened the package; there were two pictures, one of Pascal and one of Angela. Written on the bottom of Pascal’s picture were the words.
“To the Man I will always love.”
He looked up at Joelle a film of tears across his own eyes.

“She made me promise to bring you the pictures,” Joelle said, a small smile touching her lips.

She reached across and took the pictures from his shaking hands, moving across the room, she hung them over the shadows left by the images of a previous life.

“And every father should have a picture of their daughter on display…”

Click the microphone to hear the story narrated by the author

Barry

BARRY EVA (Storyheart)
Author of Young Adult Romance/Fiction book
“Across the Pond”

Hey Darling, have I told you about the rest of the world?

My drive to Redding provides me with 8 hours of drive time; which also means I am stuck alone in my own head with all this introspection. It seems so unfair, so cruel. Between fleeting thoughts of being glad that you are gone and immense twinge of missing you, the drive was next to torture.

It is taking everything in my soul to not call, text, or email you (reason why I delete stuff like that). I am looking for a reason, but I have to be so much stronger than that. I just have to keep reminding myself about how critical you were, and how you never told me. I couldn’t read your mind; I never knew what was bothering you, because you never told me.

It is so erroneous that I still care so much. You don’t know me, the real me. You never did, never had the chance, never gave me the chance. You don’t feel the same. You never did, never hand the chance and never gave me the chance. I am trying not to let you get the best of me, but you ripped my heart out. You still have it in the palm of your hand. Enjoy.

And all I get to remember is you walking away. Do you even remember me? Do you even realize that I am missing you missing me. I wish you did. I wish I got to feel your heart.

All this screaming totally in vain. I get to do it all again on Christmas. I want to be able to let it all go…

“What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away

And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do” –Rascal Flatts

Missing you still.

I’ve read about rapes in the Japanese Occupation, which ran concurrently with the Holocaust. Fuck the Axis Powers. But apart from the horrors that the Jews faced, I never came across any mention of rape. I’d assumed this was because they thought the Jews filthy and would never want to mate with them, I was right. Still, curious as usual, I googled “Holocaust rape” and came across this.

http://www.theverylongview.com/WATH/essays/lessons.htm

Please read. Us women, we’re awesome. I only wanted to know if rapes were committed, now I’m ripping through chapter after chapter. Some of the atrocities done will shock you, as they did me.

I’ve tried to write this letter three times – lets see if I can actually get it done this time before falling asleep . . . (and though I had planned to add a bunch of photos, they’ll have to wait for another day if I’m going to get this posted)

I’m still here – I’ve just been as busy as can be.  Probably a good thing too, as if I had any more time to think about how hard this all is, and how much I’m dreading getting through the ‘holiday season’ without you, I’d be in even worse shape.

There’s nothing easy about being without the love of your life at a time like this, that’s for sure.  I had an exceptionally lousy day on Sunday.  Definitely a day to forget.  Going back a bit first, I had really busy week, but I guess things were operating as smoothly as can be with so much running around to do.  Not much out of the ordinary went on, but with Christmas approaching I feel the stress building up.  The physical manifestation of the grief seems to have returned, and I spend much of the time these days with my stomach feeling ‘off’ and I’ve been getting stiffness in my neck, which inevitably leads to tension headaches.  This could also be from the added workload, but trying to figure out how to get through these next few weeks emotionally has been taking a toll on me.

I finally decided (at the very) last minute to go with Buz and Sian to get a tree from a friend’s local tree farm on Saturday morning – it was going to be free and we could cut down our own.  Not exactly how we did it in the past as we weren’t going right into the forest – these trees are grown to be Christmas trees, but I wasn’t feeling ready to continue with ‘our’ tradition this year (especially because I would rather have not gotten one at all), and I didn’t want to just go buy one from a store so I figured this was a decent compromise.  We picked a tree – if you can call it that.  It’s not even one that Charlie Brown would have picked, so it’s right up my ally.  Eibhlin had picked a few, and this was one of them, so she is happy too.  It’s not much taller than she is, and it’s almost as wide as it is tall.  It has a wonderfully crooked trunk, which I know you would have cursed (me) wildly for while putting it in the stand (though I’m sure ‘secretly’ you appreciated my love for the obscure?).  As great a tree as it is, and as nice as it was to go with company, it was still really tough to do.  I fought back tears a couple of times.

It was a busy morning as we had an acro class first, and then getting the tree, back for a quick lunch, then off to the girls’ Christmas dance show.  The show was great – it’s amazing to see just how much Caia has changed since the show in June.  She was up there on a big stage in front of a huge crowd, doing the choreography having a great time.  Eibhlin was great too – she helped out in Caia’s class, then did a brief acro performance where she worked so hard to do a headstand and when she finally pulled it off (on the hard floor no less), she received quite the applause; and of course she had her own ballet number as well.  It was nice to see them enjoy it so much – but I needed the help between my parents and Sian and other friends to deal with getting Eibhlin backstage when she needed to be and watching Caia, etc.

Sunday I had hoped try to have a bit of a ‘Christmassy’ day – put on music, put up the tree, make Christmas goodies, etc. After breakfast I was about to put the music on and get the tree stand, but the tears just started to come.  Then, I turned and saw it had started to snow, and I couldn’t help it.  I just sat down and started to cry.  Eibhlin cuddled up on my lap and I just shared with her how much I miss you and that it’s a little ‘extra’ tough to miss you at this time of year.  As I said before, I try not to loose it too much in front of them, but sometimes it just takes me over (not that I always hide it either, I just don’t want them to get overwhelmed).  It’s absolutely impossible to describe just how much I miss you right now.  This was one of those days where it was harder to keep at bay.  We decided to trim Eibhlin’s hair instead.  It was a good distraction for a bit, but we still had a whole day ahead of us.  I chatted for a bit with Bridie – cried to her on the phone some about the struggles of it all.  At lunch I asked Eibhlin if she would consider helping Nana decorate her tree instead of us putting up ours, but she really wanted a tree here, so after lunch I finally took it on.

I’ve made it through so many other occasions since you died – I don’t know why putting up a damn tree was so hard.  But it was.  After it was up I shed a few more tears on the phone with my mom.  But, it’s up.  It even has some decorations on it now.  None of the usual ones though (I’ve only opened the one box of Christmas decorations to get the tree stand).  My mom helped the girls make a number of decorations and we’ll probably leave it at that.  Part of me still feels badly for this, but the girls don’t seem to care, they are completely happy with what is there, and I know there is NO way I could bare to have the ‘usual’ stuff out.  Who knows how I’m even going to get to the stockings . . .

Your parents are coming over tomorrow, and Sue, Dale, Catherine, JP and Mike are all coming on Saturday to help set the posts to build the arbour/pergola you had always planned to build around the deck.  It will be nice to see them all here, and it will be great to get that started.  I was able to pay for the wood with some extra Christmas money – so I guess it will be like our Christmas present to you.

The intensity of the workload is picking up in the Aspire program – but I’m still really enjoying it.  It’s just tough juggling it all.  Balls keep dropping.  Things will slow down a bit after tomorrow, but then it’s the last week before Christmas.  I have not purchased one single gift.  I’ve been told there are no expectations on me to do so – and I pretty much want to vomit each time I think about going near the stores.  I tried to look online for a bit, but even that was overwhelming.  Whether or not I’m ‘off the hook’, I still feel bad about it.  And I know people are buying for us.  Even my attempts to make gifts have not been all that successful, and it all feels inadequate compared to the many ‘gifts’ we have already received from so many people.  I believe it’s true that, ‘Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind’ (Dr. Seuss of course), but it’s still hard.  I want to give too.

And I want for nothing but you.  Christmas cards arrive each day without your name on them.  Your stocking will be empty.  You won’t be busy in the kitchen making amazing food (and lots of it) to eat.  We don’t get to share in the joy of watching the girls open their gifts.  It’s just too much to bear.  I hate this.  It hurts so much.  SO much.  I’m sorry.

~Chelsea

P.S.  I Love You

I am not sure where to begin as many emotions fill and collide within me (though these may be amplified by my lack of sleep at the moment). This season of life is over tomorrow and a new season begins. It would be a lie to say that my heart doesn’t hurt as I leave Minnesota. So in all honesty my heart hurts quite badly. I have decided that goodbyes are terrible things and I despise them, but saying goodbye means that I will be saying hello to others.

There is a tension in me as I long to hold on to the familiar and the safe but part of me longs for the unknown. It’s just the idea of having to start all over that gets me, of feeling all alone once again. But I am not alone. The only thing I know right now is that the Lord is faithful and that despite what my heart feels I am not alone. He will NEVER leave or abandon me. When everything in my life changes He is constant. He is the portion of my heart. I set my heart to trust him.

So with that said yes I am sad to leave but I am excited for a new season of life. I am excited for the things the Lord will teach me, the ways in which he will discipline me, and the ways in which I will grow. My prayer is not that this season is void of challenges and trials but that in this season God may be glorified and more evident in my life that ever before. And thus there be less of me in this season and more of Him dwelling in me.I want to abide more fully in Christ, to know him more intimately that I ever have before. I desire to know his heart in all things, his heart for every person.

My stomach has been in knots all day yesterday and today until this moment. While the future seems intimidating his peace he gives me to. He is faithful to my heart. I can rest in Christ, and him alone for he is my EVERYTHING. Without him I cannot take a breath, a step, or know anything at all. May I realize my dependence on Him more that ever in this season. I will not shrink back from weakness but will embrace it because I know my God is strong and mighty.

So to all those at BCOM, I love you all. This year I have learned how to love in a greater measure, though I still have much to learn. You all have blessed me by being my brothers and sisters, by spurring one another on toward righteousness, and seeking after the Lord. May he bless you all in this next season of life. Never forget that he is in the trials and pain. This year has taught me that, that his ways are infinitely greater than mine and though I may never understand all the whys I don’t need to in order to trust Him. He is God Almighty.  HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!!

Grace and Peace

My heart

like a boat

with a broken stern

afloat

without direction

tho it yearns

to find this course

of its affection

adrift

without compass

without guide

in the great expanse

a small raft rides

amiss

on the tides

dancing on the waves

no course

a loss of direction

for days

once steady

and strong

its utters now gone

once ready and sure

now theres

holes on its floor

a boat

afloat

for how long

is the question

how long

can it gone on

with out

a loving direction

with no sun or

moon to guide it

no light house

with a alight

inside it

hanging on

catching the currents

that slap

like salty tears

this boat adrift

for too many years

Written by Art Alexakis/ Everclear
Performed by Everclear

Here is the money that I owe you
So you can pay the bills
I will give you more
When I get paid again
I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare christmas
I know we will never look back
You say you wake up crying
Yes and you don’t know why
You get up and you go lay down
Inside my baby’s room
I guess I’m doing ok
I moved in with the strangest guy
Can you believe he actually thinks
That I’m really alive
I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will
Yes, I know all about that other guy
The handsome man with athletic thighs
I know about all the times before
With that obsessive little rich boy
They might think you think you’re happy
Yeah maybe for a minute or two
They can’t make you laugh
No they can’t make you feel the way that I do
I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will
I know we can never look back
Will you please let me stay the night
No one will ever know
I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shinny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
I will buy you a new life
I will buy you a new life