Oh my Gods, it’s the end. At least I’ve already died once so I’m prepared for it. I don’t have a lot of time while we travel at relativistic but subluminal speeds to the Colony, so I’ll be fast.

This idea that we’re all Cylons and have been all along? Total bullshit. I don’t buy that. The point is us coming together and becoming one through a future human-Cylon generation, not that we’d been together all along.

Ice Cream Social on the Baseship

So, Baltar didn’t cross the line last week, but he’s going to do it metaphorically this week. He has to do something completely selfless before our time is up. It’s what he’s been building up to since the destruction of the Colonies. I bet right now he’s hidden somewhere on Galactica, having changed his mind about not going to the colony. His Nymph Squad doesn’t know that he hid, or else they’d be pissed and everything. And once we get to the colony, Baltar’s going to do something truly selfless and help save Hera, dying in the process. That is his character arc. Caprica Six is probably going to die doing the same. They’ll have a tender moment together before it’s out. Baltar will tell her that he loves her.

We’re going to find out that I’m half-Cylon when Anders decides to project with me. He’ll let me know what I am in Projection Land, and then he’ll tell me that it’s time to let him go ’cause he’s never going to be normal again. (Sigh.) And then when we are back in reality, I’ll be free to go be with Lee. We’ll kind of represent the future of humanity — human and half-human/half-Cylon coming together. (Heh heh, dirty.)

Roslin will die, obvs. Probably after something dramatic happens to Hera. Maybe about halfway through two hours. Adama and Tigh will fly Vipers and be badasses.

Example of Tigh Being a Badass

Daniel is my dad. Daniel has been pulling the strings? Sean Ellison will be important. The flashbacks will continue this episode. We’ll find out who the woman is that Anders loved on Earth. Tory will do NOTHING and the Chief will probably never find out what she did to Cally. The Admiral will give another epic speech and we’ll end in a “SO SAY WE ALL!” chant. The fleet will find a new place to live, which we’ll learn about from the colony.

I don’t want Anders to go down with Galactica in some kind of military maneuver.  He’s sacrificed enough to do that.  He’s been trying to find ways to get out of this war.

I will be so sad when this over. I’m sure there are more things I can predict, but I’m distracted. We won’t see Seelix again.

I feel like getting wasted like Anders!

Boom boom boom.

We start right where we left off, with Bill Adama lying the CIC after getting shotted by Boomer. Tigh’s watching on, and we got shots of flashbacks to the moment he met the Admiral. What a perfect episode to watch right after Deadlock’s cementing of their relationship!

Other timely things are happening too. Bitch Ishay is injecting Adama with a needle (right next to her real-life husband Lee) and Gaeta (RIP) quickly catches up on what’s going on. Boomer is a Cylon, the Colonel’s in command, and Captain Aaron Kelly (one of our mutiny heroes) is second-in-command. Racetrack (man, the mutineers are everywhere) fills them in on what happened on the basestar, and suddenly Tigh is bombarded with all the shit he has to work out and deal with in Bill’s absence, all while dealing with the fact that his BFF might actually die. He decides to jump to the emergency coordinates, even though Doc Cottle isn’t at the Galatica yet and there are a handful of people down on Kobol.

Whatever happened to that nice Marine in the brig who helps Roslin out? I bet he didn’t mutiny. Is he dead? I can’t remember.

I miss Dee and Gaeta.

Galactica jumps, but the fleet doesn’t join them. Tigh’s been in charge for five minutes and already everyone is frakked.

Then we’re back to Gaius and Head Six looking at the baby girl in the Opera House. She says she’s their child. He: “Speaking metaphorically, of course.” Her: “And literally. She’s our child.” I’m still confused by this. Obvs the kid is Hera, but the whole Gaius and Six being parents thing seems to have been dropped and was never fully explained. Or maybe it was and it just whooshed over my head.

Oh hey, there’s Seelix. No comment. Gods, I love it when the Chief yells.

Back to Ellen and Tigh. Tigh stands up for Gaeta! “He’s just a kid.” Aw. And then he pronounces Adama’s name wrong. He’s distraught, I’ll let it pass. He gives a speech not as inspiring as an Adama speech, but it’s Tigh and he’s trying and that’s all that counts.

So down on Kobol, Crashdown is slowly becoming more and more unhinged, yelling at that dude that looks like Sawyer about forgetting the medkits.

Dude who looks like Sawyer

Man, I miss the Cylon-Occupied Caprica tag. If it comes back in the tv movie, I will frakking cheer.

More like Hot Husband-Occupied Caprica, amirite?

Helo and me and Sharon time! I say my classic line, “I get it, Helo! You and I go way back, so I get it.” (Okay, this line is just classic in my head.) Oh yeah, and then there’s the line that will echo in tons of previouslies to come, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME HELO, SHE’S A CYLON.” I think I hear that in my sleep sometimes.

And I make a good frakking point. Sharon says she’s pregnant, but how does Helo really know? He trusts her, despite the fact that Sharon had been doing almost nothing but lying to him. And then the bitch took my ride. That did not help in the believing-Sharon department.

I took a break to eat and a lot of stuff happened in the meantime. Tigh told Ishay that they couldn’t wait for Cottle and that even though she was a medic, she had to be a doctor. Sawyer died. And Tigh confronted Boomer in the brig and almost killed her. Poor Boomer. Her first question was about whether or not the Admiral was all right. Then she pretty much asks Tigh to shoot her.

Now we’re at a scene which is totally poignant in light of recent events. In the head with Gaeta and Dee..

I always wanted these two to get together. But being BFFs is fine by me, too.

Gaeta’s ready to save the day! Which is crazy plan to jump back where the Cylons are and network computers that Adama definitely wouldn’t approve of. But Tigh makes the tough decision to do it, his orders.

I enjoyed this exchange, especially Gaeta’s face at the end.

They jump back. The raiders look so cool when they launch from the baseship.

Awesome

Some chump named Flyboy is all excited about shooting raiders, and Kat tells him there’s a contest to see who can shoot down the most raiders now that I’m not around. Glad to see I still inspire even in my absence!

The Admiral flatlines. IT’S ALL UP TO YOU, ISHAY!

The Cylons release a virus into the network. A heavy raider heads toward the Galactica. The basestar shoots the big guns. The cool brig Marine asks Roslin to pray with him as the ship is hit over and over again. Ishay is a bitch, but she does a kick ass job of operating on Adama while the ship is being attacked. The heavy raider gets closer and closer. This is just like the board game.

They get the jump coordinates! They roll, they jump, and they hopefully don’t lose any population!

On the other side, the DRADIS is empty…and then fills up, along with my eyes. With tears, I mean.

Ishay did it, and the Admiral is breathing. She deserves a medal of honor for that. She says she’s going to stick with “pills and enemas” from now on. She neglects to add, “and cavalierly informing distraught wives that their Hot Husbands are braindead.”

Tigh has his last flashback and it’s kind of a doozy now that we know that Cavil had injected the Final Five with fake memories. This is some frakked up shit right here. He sends Tigh to the colonies after the war with the kind of memories and that led to PTSD and alcoholism. And hey, since I paused the screen to type this, I’m now noticing for the first time that there’s a chick in the bed while Tigh is getting ready to burn his sash thing. Is that Ellen? Anyway, Saul’s about to give up on his military career, until some soldiers knock on his door and tell him that Major Adama has made him a Captain on his new ship. And so Saul is saved!

We end with the Centurions from the heavy raider boarding Galactica. There are five of them! Doesn’t that mean the game is over?

GODSDAMMIT!

Can we all agree that last week was awesomecross? Let’s! I mean, it was also pretty horrible (Anders is braindead, after all — FOR NOW), but overall? Awesome. Anyway, last night I was having a chat with the Admiral about where we go from here, which was kind of weird because I haven’t sat down and had a chat with the Admiral in forever. Like when was the last time? When I was telling him calmly and quietly (and maturely) that we were going the wrong way? Man, it’s sure been a while. And he’s like my proxy-father. When are we ever going to sit down and talk about the fact that I found my dead body on Earth? When is anyone going to discuss that with me? I don’t know, but speaking of fathers, I really hope my Mystery Dad (Philip Glass-Thrace) has something to do with the big picture here. Maybe he is Daniel. Pianists are artists. Move over Hera, maybe I’m the original Skinjob-Human hybrid. Speaking of hybrids, I don’t approve of this nonsense that Anders might become one. Especially for the Galactica. I don’t care if it makes sense or not. Give Anders a break! Speaking of breaks, I think we’re due for one soon, so to speak.  A lot of big things are happening that need some time to actually occur, so I think we might be experiencing a little fast forwarding in time in the coming weeks so the following things can happen:

• Lee can assemble a new quorum,
• The Chief can install the organic Cylon stuff in the ship, and it can “mature”,
• Ellen and Boomer can jump around, jump up, jump up, and get down to finding the Fleet,
• Caprica Six can get closer to her Cylon-baby due date,

and, most importantly,

• Anders’ hair can grow back.

All very important activities, some more important than others. (Like Anders’ hair; it is awesome and he needs it back even though he looked oddly hot in the word salad scene.) Speaking of word salad, now it’s time for some, sprinkled with some beautiful pictures.

I

Boomer and the Chief are going to get back together. This was already obvious, but it was made even more obvious by that “who am I going to love?”-let’s-cut-to-the-chief moment last week. Among bright stars, I am lost. Athena is still going to die. Maybe not this week, but sometime. I am not happy about this. If Tory kidnaps Anders and makes him a hybrid I will pay the Admiral five dollars. I had a dream Helo was in a public bathroom asking a Russian guy about a dollhouse.

have

I am the harbinger of death, Kara Thrace. Gaius is going to leave the nymph squad, but he’s going to try and break this news to them gently.

no

We need an episode about ME. Not one about me taking care of my husband or me shooting people who are on my list. We need an episode to sit down and discuss what the frak I am. I think Anders is going to come out of his braindead-ness. He’s a Cylon. Cottle said his brain was repairing itself. I don’t know if that really happens, but Anders is a Cylon and I believe in him, so I think he probably won’t remain braindead for long. Maybe he’ll have a moment at the end of an episode where he’s just lying in the hospital bed and then his machine will go crazy and his eyes will snap open and then we cut to the executive producer credit. (Gods, that would be lame.)

self

I was going through a lot of conflicting emotions last week. It was rough. I might need to talk to Leoben about why he backed slowly away from me. Or bond with Lee over our dead-in-some-ways spouses. I will hopefully not frak anyone.

control.

LAST-MINUTE ADDITIONS TO MY LIST

evil bitch

Nurse Ishay. You bitch. Learn bedside manner. I don’t care if you don’t like Cylons, at least be a little nicer when telling me that my husband is frakkin’ braindead. Doctor Hodgman. Brain guy, you are distracting. And on top of that, you couldn’t fix my Hot Husband’s brain. You made it worse, even! Throw yourself out of the airlock in penance, or come over here so I can shoot you in the brain. Guy Who Shot Anders’ Brain. This is all your fault.

Remember this, Admiral

Look, um, all that I ever wanted was to be an officer o­n a Battlestar. Okay, I trained my whole life, trained harder than anyone in my unit. Basically, I put my life o­n hold until I was assigned to Galactica. Then the Cylons hit. And I realized that this is all that I know. Tech manuals, commands, and tactics, you know? I’m not saying that I’m unhappy. Just wondering if there’s something more.

Gaius Baltar isn’t the only one who knows who Gaeta is. Although I may not look it on the outside, I do too. I know who Felix Gaeta is. And now I will ramble nonsensically about it.

The first time we meet Gaeta is where we usually see him, in the CIC and doing his frakking job. He’s just a young man, idealistic and a little naive. He gives Adama an update on the current comm traffic. Fleet headquarter is looking for someone to check on the armistice station.

“I think we’re a little busy tomorrow, Mr. Gaeta. What do you think?” then-Commander Adama asks.

Gaeta smiles in response, the smile of a proud officer sharing a joke with his commander. “Yes, sir. And may I also take this opportunity to say it’s been both a pleasure and an honor to serve under you these past three years.”

The pleasure is all Adama’s. And why wouldn’t it be? Any Commander would be lucky to have such a capable tactical officer.

And then all hell broke loose. Gaeta stayed strong throughout, alerting his superiors to every blip on the DRADIS screen and jumping us to safety every damn time. Imagine how exhausted he must have been in ’33′, constantly plotting new jumps and sending the information to the rest of the fleet. When he was good, Gaeta was one of the best of us. Our worlds were ending, but like Dee and Billy, he was in the background, keeping us going.

Dr. Gaius Baltar was one bright spot in Gaeta’s life, post-colonies. The kid idolized him, strange quirks and all. After all, what genius isn’t without his odd tics? When Shelley Godfrey showed up with damning evidence against his idol, Gaeta still worked with the fleet to find out the truth. And, orchestrated by (the) God(s) or not, it was Gaeta who discovered that Baltar was innocent. (Innocent of that particular crime, anyway.) When our Admiral was shot down and a bad jump sent the fleet in all directions, it was Gaeta who figured out how to bring us all, at least physically, back together again.

Gaeta’s idealistic pursuit of doing the right thing took a wrong turn during the presidential elections. He discovered voter fraud, brought it to the attention of Colonel Tigh who brushed him off, and then went straight to the big guy with the news. President Roslin had cheated. Baltar won the election. And so Gaeta and most of the fleet went down to New Caprica. At the time this may not have seemed so bad, especially not to Gaeta, who found a mentor in Baltar, but we all know how it turned out. It Gaeta hadn’t pursued the election fraud, we would have never gone down there. But we can’t fault Gaeta for that. He was just doing the right thing. Doing the Gaeta thing.

And down on New Caprica, Gaeta learned some things. Baltar could no longer be held up on such a pedestal. The pills, the booze, the women…Gaeta found out just how frighteningly human his idol was. And then the Cylons came. And things got worse.

Gaeta was in an interesting position, being Baltar’s right-hand man, and he used that advantage to save the fleet. He set up dead drops to pass on classified information to the New Caprica resistance, information that could have led to the death of Baltar himself. Again, Gaeta wanted to do right by the fleet, helping in every way he could, even as the very resistance he aided doubted his commitment to human motion. An Eight befriended him, and he believed that she could help. He gave her the names of important prisoners, thinking they’d be released. They weren’t. Not all of them, anyway. And once again, Gaeta’s attempts at doing the right thing went sour.

The dead drops helped enough though, and after four long months the Galactica came back. As the humans fought to flee the planet, Gaeta confronted Baltar on Colonial One. He was going to kill him, kill him for not being strong enough to stand up for humanity. But Baltar talked him out of it, and Gaeta backed down, once again thinking he was doing the right thing. He’d let Baltar go and disarm the nuke, and that would be the President’s penance. The nuke never needed disarming though, and Baltar joined the Cylons on their base ship.

Back on Galactica, Gaeta kept tight-lipped about his contribution to the survival of humanity. Gaeta was a humble guy. He wasn’t going to go around blabbing about it. And when he stepped back into his real home, the CIC, he was turned away. Tigh didn’t trust him and his fellow crewmates didn’t either. Little did they know. In the galley, I had a chat with him, and Gaeta told me all about how he helped. I was too pissed at the time to care, and that almost led to Gaeta’s death. He didn’t want to beg. I made him, and the truth came out. Gaeta was the reason why we were all back on the ship. We all owed him our lives.

Things calmed down in Gaeta’s life after that. He was back checking DRADIS contacts, working in tandem with Dee and being a familiar voice to all who entered the CIC. He got to take over for Baltar and find us a course to Earth. Things were good. Or better, at least. Then Baltar came back and Gaeta tried to make up for the mistake he’d made earlier, not killing Baltar when he had the chance. He stabbed him in the neck (a move I approve of), but was stopped before he could inflict any real damage. Baltar told him he knew the mistakes Gaeta made on New Caprica. Honest mistakes, really. The mistakes of a naive young man who was learning that trust was overrated. He lied on the stand about Baltar, something the young Gaeta of the miniseries would have never done. And once again, Gaeta’s efforts were of no avail. Baltar lived on, a free man. Gaeta lived on too, not the same man he once was.

Then I died and came back. The Admiral looked for a crew to send on the longshot mission of finding Earth. Gaeta was one of that crew. I was pretty crazy and understandably a mutiny erupted. Helo started it, Gaeta followed, and as a result of trying to do the right thing once again, he was shot in the leg. He didn’t want to lose it. He made Helo promise he wouldn’t lose it, but it happened anyway. And without anesthetic.

Gaeta was bitter. His leg always itched and people pitied him whenever they saw him hobble down the halls. And then Gaeta learned the the guy who made him this way was a Cylon. And the group of people who wanted to throw him out of the airlock were consisted of a bunch of Cylons. The Eight that betrayed him on New Caprica was a Cylon. Cylons frakked them over time and time again. And then we made an alliance with them? We seriously trusted them? Gaeta was left with an itchy stump and he had to sit there in sick bay watching two Cylons coo over their ultrasound? What kind of frakked up world were we living in?

Dee was dead and Gaeta was left with nothing but bitter anger. He had to do something, fix things. Do what was right. And once again, like always, it didn’t work.

Helo: The Man, The Myth, The Toaster-Frakker

1. He is noble and loyal and always does the right thing.
2. He’s an excellent trainer.
3. He has the healthiest marriage in the fleet.
4. He can do basically any job on the Galactica, and he pretty much has.
5. He’s frakking dreamy, square-jaw and all.
6. He has the smoothest voice.
7. Have you seen his arms?  Those are good arms to have.
8. Hardly anyone calls him by his birthname.
9. He was the first one to bridge the Cylon-Human gap without causing the destruction of the 12 Colonies.
10. I’m stealing this one from the Admiral:  he’s  supportive, and yet totally tough, like a frakkin’ badass.

Okay. There hasn’t been much focus on me so far this half-season, and that sucks. Which is why I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that tonight’s episode will involve yours truly as either an A or B story. I’ve been obvs irritable since Earth-time, which is highly understandable since I just got some hard proof that I died, Leoben backed slowly away from me, and then I had to burn my body on a funeral pyre ALL BY MYSELF. That’s really sad, you guys. I’m still depressed about it. So I haven’t been in a good mood, something that was proven during my conversation with Gaeta in the cafeteria/mess hall/whatever last episode. It was kind of like that last time I got pissy with Gaeta during dinner. And I was totally dressing him down like he was Kat and we were in ‘Scar’ or something. It was pretty awesome.

Anyway, I’m angry. Even though the majority of the fleet is going bonkers right now, I’d hope that someone (Lee? Anders? The Admiral?) would notice and be like, “Hey, Starbuck, what’s up witchu?” The problem is that Lee is getting over Dee’s death, Anders has been doing nothing but sitting around strumming a guitar, and the Admiral is too busy NOT CARING to worry about ol’ Thrace. This is why I think Helo, my bestest bud, will notice something is up and ask me about it. I doubt I’d tell anyone what’s going on with me otherwise, since it didn’t exactly go over well when I tried to tell Lee.

Or maybe I’ll be so pissed and angrytown that someone will get angry back and I’ll have a dramatic, “I BURNED MYSELF ON A FUNERAL PYRE LAST WEEK WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!” moment. Something like that.

I really hope there will be something about me this week. And about the Final Five. I don’t think the Admiral and the Prez are going to start caring again anytime soon which is frakking sad.

And, once again, I doubt I will talk to Anders. And if I do talk to Lee about the burned up me, I bet that conversation will someone lead to making out.

Will I talk to Leoben about what the frak is going on? I hope so. He said he was wrong. What about? I’ll get into a post about that later this weekend, I hope.

Thrace out!

No, Thrace in. I’ve got more stuff to talk about, now that I’ve thought about it.

Hera’s going to be really important sometime soon, which is good, because she was a goal since way back in ’33′. Now that we know Nicky is half-human/half-frankfurter, that leaves Hera Agathon as the only half-Cylon in the fleet. This must be because Hera is about to be the key to something. Six said that she was going to “lead the next generation of God’s children”. What does this mean? Maybe Hera won’t literally lead (not yet, anyway), but she’s probably just the first of many half-Cylon babies to come.

Speaking of, has anyone noticed that death always comes to married couples in this fleet? The Admiral and his wife? Divorced. Our XO and his wife? Killed by poison. Lee and his wife? Suicide. The Chief and his wife? Airlocked. Me and my Hot Husband? Destiny-fuled explodey. Helo and Sharon? Shot so she could download. If anyone else gets married, I’m pretty sure they’re going to die.

I had a dream last night about a more primitive version of our society. The Chief and Helo led this dude I didn’t recognize (but looked sorta like this guy for some reason) into an inflatable raft. It was to go on a river up a mountain so the fleet could make a human sacrifice. They wanted to give the sacrifice one last bit of fun before he died, so they rode the raft around and around at the base of the mountain. Seelix (as an old woman) got pissed and chased them around. Then, just as they were about to ascend the mountain, I came running in and said that I knew someone who knew someone who knew a guy who looked just like the sacrifice. And so we discovered Cylons. Or something. And then I woke up.

A prophetic dream, perhaps? Nah, probably not.

Hey, what if Athena ends up dying? Would Helo be tortured about the fact that there’s at least one other Sharon around with Athena’s downloaded memories? Was that what the point of that scene was on the base ship with the backrubs? I was thinking about this the other day and now I’m worried. Please Gods (and Hammer), don’t hurt ‘em.

I think I’m done with my rambling thoughts for now.

Scattered//

On Caprica: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Crap, Starbuck wants to kill me. Let me run and hide.

Resistance//

In Galactica’s brig: Boomer – No, really, I have no idea how many Cylons there are. Leave me alone!

In the hallway on Galactica (silly sloped walls): Boomer’s first death scene – Cally’s got a gun. Dramatic death scene. Cue tears and operatic blocking. “I love you, Chief” (and I never really do stop).

And so was Cally (on account of me being wildly in love with the Chief. Man, I clearly have the best place on the Chart of Frak). Fortunately for me, being in multiple consciousnesses means the potential drama of many jealous-lover-rages. Only this one actually killed me. Poor Cally. The Chief never loved her like he loved me, and we could have had a mighty nice half-sister for Hera together. If only.

Home//

On Galactica: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Like me. Don’t kill me. Call me Athena.

Flight of the Phoenix//

On Galactica: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Plug me into your computer, and I can save the day with my mind.

Clearly Galactica was not built for Cylon assistance, as is obvious from the lack of computer puddles for hands-on access to hard drives and steering mechanisms.  Adm. Adama, I highly recommend upgrading in the future.  Putting a wire up my wrist was effective, but not particularly fun.  I’ll be sure to form a working group for Cylon-Human accessibility once we’ve figured out food and shelter on Earth 4.0.  Somewhere back in my conscious knowledge of the old earth “World Wide Web”, I believe I remember that Earth 1.0 had something similar to ensure that everything was compatible with everybody.  Like ramps into buildings and elevators.  Anyway, I digress.

Pegasus//

On Pegasus: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Pegasus
Interrogator asshole tried to rape me. TG for my lover and sister’s lover for saving the day.

I still cringe about this one. Pegasus was a bad place.  Good thing I slept through Razor.

Epiphanies//

On Galactica: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Gets to pro-choose Hera on account of her blood can save Mme. President.

It’s all about economy!  Costs vs. Benefits!  Benefit of my spawning = President lives longer.  Costs of my spawing = general mayhem.  Which I suppose is why they decided I couldn’t actually have Hera once I’d birthed her/she was extracted from me (ouch).  Or why everyone pretended I was dead.  I guess you can hide people like that on a Battlestar.

Which brings us to my favorite episode to hate:

Black Market//

WTF – Glad to be pregnant and therefore excused from this plot. I mean, people think I’m dead.

Sacrifice//

On Galactica: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Inadvertantly Billy’s cause of death.

Whoops.  Too bad Billy’s not a cylon (or at least, I don’t know if he is).  As a plus, it brought us closer to the human day-to-day life experience, as potentially threatening as we are (um, hello, our hands don’t turn into weapons.  We’re not Centurions.  And Centurions are very sensible beings, too, when we’re smart enough to let them be sentient.

Downloaded//

On Caprica: The-Eight-Formerly-Known-as-Boomer – Totally in denial about my Cylon-ness and deeply in love with the Chief, and then I save Anders (you’re welcome, Starbuck).

Galactica: Sharon-Going-To-Be-Athena – Hello Hera! I mean, and then they told (lied to) me that Hera died. Then my hot husband-assumed scatters ashes in space and is hot/sad.

Identity crisis pt. 2.  Just when I figure out I’m a cylon, I have to go and forget it again.  At least I’m a nice re-newly-cognizant cylon.  Sort of.

Lay Down Your Burdens//

On Caprica: The-Eight-Formerly-Known-As-Boomer – Helped Starbuck rock the rescue mission on Caprica by using Cylon-technology. I mean, was a prisoner.

In New Caprica City:  An Eight, but most likely The-Eight-Formerly-Known-As-Boomer Instigated separate but equal Cylon-human relations.  Go me.  I’m a veritable Brown vs. the Board of Education.

Which leaves my dear Hera out in the disgusting New Caprica City, and my many sisters scattered across base ships, resurrection ships, Battlestars, New Caprica City, and Caprica.

See?  It’s hard to have multiple beings.  You almost die a lot.  Then again, you get to frak a lot too, so it’s not all bad…

So, once again Ol’ Thrace is winging it, which totes fits with the theme of today’s rewatch, The Hand of God.  In this particular episode, about getting our fuel replenished from a Cylon-occupied tylium mine, our collective asses (emphasis courtesy of Madame President in the miniseries) are saved by two (two!) huge leaps of faith courtesy of Gaius Baltar and Lee “Not-Yet-Fat Apollo” Adama.

But we’ll get to that in a bit.  First, some choice quotes from our Admiral, who had all sorts of interesting wisdom this episode.

I want webisodes about who makes these things.

When Tigh starts giving me guff about ragging on Fat Apollo’s lousy, unimaginative plan:

I let Starbuck in here because she’s not weighed down by conventional thinking. All due respect, gentlemen, we’re not as crazy as she is.

When Madame President questions the merits of my subsequent plan:

If you keep running from a schoolyard bully, he keeps o­n chasing you but the moment you turn around and stop and you punch him really hard in a sensitive spot, he’ll think twice about coming back again.

The biggie, suitable for all kinds of occasions:

Sometimes you have to roll the hard six.

This.  Just this:

Lee: You know, sometimes it feels like the whole ship thinks Starbuck would do better.
Adama: I don’t.
Lee: How can you be so sure?
Adama: Because you’re my son.

Way to make me tear up, Admiral!

Fat Lee looks especially svelte here.

And then way to put me in my place:

Kara: I just hope that Lee can…
Adama: Lee isn’t the problem. You should take a good look at yourself. I had to go through the same transition. When you’re in the cockpit, you’re in control. It’s hard to give it up.
Kara: It would just be a lot easier if I was flying with them.
Adama: All you can do now is wait and hope you didn’t make any mistakes.
Kara: I never wanted this kind of responsibility.
Adama: The Cylons never asked us what we wanted. Welcome to the big leagues.

Ouch.

Damn knee injuries always keepin' me down.

And a physical ouch:

This was o­nly three Gs, Starbuck, not six.

I love it when my brilliant plan comes together.

And then, when Madame President asks me why we didn’t tell her about the hidden attack force in the freighters (which, by the way, was a brilliant plan of mine):

I routinely restrict tactical details to those who need to know.

Now you know he only did that ’cause he knew how’d impressed she’d be when she found out.  Come on, Admiral, admit it.

The Titular Lighter, hopefully to be seen on Caprica! The Series

And the best quote of all:

Lee: Dad…I’ll bring it back.
Adama: You better, or I’ll kick your ass. It’s a good lighter.

Well played, Admiral.  Well frakkin’ played.

Now onto the random leaps of faith.

Six's massage of Baltar's chest was a little unnerving. As was his eyeliner.

Baltar was supposed to tell Tigh and me just where on the tylium base we would have to hit in order to get rid of the Cylons.  Or something.  Baltar didn’t know, and Head Six told him to trust in God.  Apparently this meant that Baltar would point at a random spot on the map and tell us to strike there.  What the frak, right?  Baltar was acting wackier than usual and I looked at Colonel Tigh like, “Whaaaaaa?”

Whaaaaaa?

But it worked!  Of course this lead to Baltar thinking he was the Instrument of God (of COURSE).  And then he posed like this:

Worst shot ever.

And I was grossed out.  Way to look like Scott Stapp, Baltar.

Moving on, Lee was another person who made a leap of faith.  He decided to think outside of the box (remember, this is where I live) for once and trust his instincts to go under the mine and through the woods and pop out on the other side, all ready to blast into that grain silo (or whatever) that Baltar had indicated.  He talked to himself the whole time, and it worked!  He frakking did it, and I had absolutely no faith in him.  And then we were all happy for once.

Me and the Prez!

Fat Apollo!

Gaeta!

Dee!

Crashdown & Boomer!

And there were hugs!

And again because we don't see these much around here!

After feeling down on himself the whole episode, Lee ended up feeling quite proud of himself.

But the episode wasn’t full of good times.  We started out with a fair number of nuggets.

Hot Dog, Kat, Chuckles, and...that other guy

And as the image up there indicates, we ended up losing one.  Let’s all pour one out for our fallen comrade.

I’d end on that note, but there’s another thing I forgot to mention!  Sharon down on Caprica starts puking and blames it on “cold beans”.  We all know it’s ’cause she’s knocked up!  Your boys sure can swim, Helo!

And I’ll end on this note.  Something that’s always bugged me is brought up in this episode.  Helo’s all like, “Blah blah blah we haven’t seen a human since that one you killed when you rescued me, blah blah blah.”  Helo, I know we go way back and all, but wtfrak?  Why are you so unfazed about Sharon killing a random human (who had just kissed you) for seemingly little reason?  There was a Centurion behind the Six, sure, but she took the thing off your head so it’s kind of like she was about to save you, and then Sharon shot her, and you’re all shrugs and whatevers?  I don’t get it.  I’m sure Sharon must have told you one doozy of a story about it, but I, for one, would have liked to see it.

And with that, I’m out.

Miniseries//
On Galactica: Boomer – Oblivious
On Some Base Ship: Number 8 – Clearly a cylon

33//
On Galactica: Boomer – and the Chief, sitting in a tree.

And then I knew it was coming. Clearly the me being a cylon thing was going to become relevant. And for the first time ever, I would be many independently operating cylons, without the comfort of shared memories. I didn’t think I could cope with the cognitive dissonance. You think it’s easy when you can live multiple lives at once? Because it’s not, really.

So for your convenience (although mostly for mine), I’ve filed out the life of Eight.  Here is the rest of installment 1 (abridged). (If I left out anything really important, let me know!  We only have so many brain cells.)

Water//
On Galactica: Boomer – Do I have multiple personalities, early early onset Alzheimers, or am I a cylon?
On Caprica: Sharon-going-to-be-Athena – Chillin with Helo. Sneaky sneaky.

Litmus//
On Galactica: Boomer – “Forgetting” to close hatches, distracted by the Chief (and the making out).

Six Degrees of Separation//
On Galactica: Boomer – Hoping Baltar’s Cylon tests are actually a load of crap. I wonder if my spine glows.
On Caprica: Sharon-going-to-be-Athena – Saving Helo!

Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down //
On Caprica: Sharon-going-to-be-Athena – Cylons heart Helo!

The Hand of God//
On Caprica: Sharon-going-to-be-Athena – ZOMG that was a blue +. I’m totally running to the pharm for another 5 tests, Helo.

Colonial Day//
On Galactica: Boomer – On the  Kobol-finding mission!
On Caprica: Sharon-going-to-be-Athena – Defended Helo. Killed another Eight.
Also on Caprica: Another Eight – Wrongly thought I could kill Helo. Died.

Kobol’s Last Gleaming//
On Galactica: Boomer - I’m a cylon. I should die. There are 800 of me! I’m conflicted! I think I’ll shoot Adama. Whoops.
On the Ressurection Ship: Lots of 8s – Our sister!!! The Claw!!!
On Caprica: Sharon-going-to-be-Athena – I’m a cylon but I love you more than me, Helo. Let’s get married.

And now, Six Degrees of Separation, one of the funniest weeks of our lives, in pictures:

I enjoyed this episode. I found it quite funny, a nice break from the independies and acts of contritions and whatnots in our lives. Well, I mean, Gaius did think he was going to be executed in this one, so it wasn’t all sunshine and algae puppies, but still! Pretty light fare for our crazy lives.

The Thinker

Once again, I miss Crazy Scientist Gaius.

So basically Head Six is yammering on about God and all Gaius wants is some nice dream sex. He doesn’t believe in God, she gets in a snit and leaves. Then, enter our first New (named and unique) Six, Shelly Godfrey:

Shelly GODfrey...GET IT??

Shelly is different because she wears glasses!

No, actually, she’s totally different from Head Six and who we will come to know as Caprica Six. And that’s why Six is awesome, but that’s a theme for another post.

Why aren't the corners cut off on the disc sleeve, huh? HUH?

So Shelly says she’s got evidence that proves that Gaius put explosives in the defense mainframe and basically allowed the Cylons to attack the Colonies. Which is a little bit true, in a way. A roundabout way. But Gaius knows as he’s watching the recording that he “definitely never did that.”

So the question is, did Head Six somehow manifest herself as Shelly to show Gaius the error of his God-doubting ways? I don’t know. It’s a Cylon mystery, I guess.

Gaius accuses Shelly of Cylonery, but of course Adama and Tigh are skeptical. That is, until Shelly tries to put the moves on the Old Man.

Could've had an addition to the Frak Chart...

I guess Shelly and Head Six have at least a few things in common.

Anyway, Adama doesn’t fall for that shit. Good man. Tigh doesn’t fare so well in later seasons, as we’ll eventually see.

I'm sorry, but I love this scene.

One of the things I really dig about this episode is the relationship between Crazy Gaius and Fanboy Gaeta. Gaeta’s in charge of sharpening up the images that Shelly gave the Commander, and Gaius keeps trying to bug him into letting him see the pictures. It doesn’t work, but the results sure are wacky! It’s always awesome when Gaius flips his shit.

Aww

But in the end, it all turns out okay for ol’ Gaius. He’s thrown in the brig and Madame President tells him that she didn’t find herself surprised when she heard the news, but Gaius accepts God as his personal savior and Head Six shows up again. Gaeta tells him that he checked over the images again, and found them to be doctored! Hooray! Hugs for everyone. Head Six tells Gaius that all of this was
great for him since it means the fleet will be less likely to doubt him in the future. One person I don’t think this worked on was the President, because in this episode we got the seeds sown that would blossom into a whole algae bloom of hate and doubt later on down the line.

Other important stuff happened in the episode too!

Whoops

Billy accidentally alerted the press that the President had collapsed.

Thanks, pals.

Everyone gave me shit about my busted knee.

Mommy?

Sharon practically outed herself as a Cylon in the middle of the flight deck.

Boomer flees

I still want to know who wrote this! My money is Sharon herself, in another blackout moment. Poor little toaster. (And I mean that!)

Spinal Tap

Helo puts the “uh, you may already have a dude, but we’re probs never gonna get off this rock and I am super hot” moves on Sharon (they always work, just ask Anders) and they make a baby!

Ew

And finally, Six’s awful, trashy lucite semi-stripper heels are put on full display. Seriously, they are awful. The Number Eights are so the best-dressed Cylons.

Behold, the frakking diagram:

Did he miss anyone?

Edit — Admiral Adama was sharp enough to figure out that he did! The diagram is now fixed to account for all the Ellen/Cavil frakking down on New Caprica.

And they are very interesting when compared to Gaius Baltar’s results.

Captain Kara “Starbuck” Thrace:      20%
Fat Apollo:                                          20%
Fmr. President Doctor Gaius Baltar: 20%
Write-in:                                             40%

You’d think this meant that the write-in candidate won. Well, they didn’t, because the vote was split for that too. The write-ins were split between:
Joe Solvent-Packs
Hot Helo

So what did we get? Nothing but a massive tie. No one leading anywhere. Or you can look at it and say that we are all leading, one particular person especially. (Me.)

Anyway, it’s clear that Baltar’s polling devices are faulty. We should switch to Gaeta’s methods. They are unbiased, plus he’s been feeling down since my Hot Husband shot him in the leg, so he could use a little self-esteem boost.

Anyway, the point is that none of that information has any influence on the opinions given on my show today. All of this comes from a strictly story-focused perspective. I read and hear and feel a lot of rumblings about who the final Cylon is. There are few names that seem to pop up frequently, despite the fact that D’anna clearly stated that the fifth Cylon is not in the Fleet. But she’s been known to be tricksy, so I suppose I can understand the skepticism.

Anyway, what I want to say tonight is that all of those guesses are LAME and just plan WRONG. If, by some godly switcharoo, they do become reality, I will be righteously pissed off. And with that, I give you:

The Top Five “People” Who Should Not Be The Final Cylon, And If They Are, I Will Totally Become An Atheist And Leave The Fleet, Maybe For A Weirdo Island In The South Pacific, Do You Hear That, Gods?

(Ahem.)

1. Captain Karl “Helo” Agathon

Finally, a picture of Helo

Helo impregnated a Cylon. Helo married a Cylon. Helo went against the Admiral’s and most of the Fleet’s wishes to prevent the complete “genocide” of the Cylons. To some people, these facts may be a clear sign that Helo himself is a Cylon. Those people don’t have brains. To me, all of this just proves that Helo’s a good guy. Perhaps even the goodest of all of us. The dude does what’s right, no matter what anyone else says. He trusted and fell in love with a Cylon way before any of us (minus Gaius) were willing to do anything but kick the frak out of ‘em. This is ridiculously important. If Helo is the fifth Cylon, then all his goodness means nothing. It will just water down to him protecting his own.

And that would be lame. If our lives were, say, a tv show, I would call that bad writing.

2a & 2b. Earth or My Shiny New Viper

Lame (l), and Lamer (r)

What the frak. The final Cylon needs to be humanoid, at the very least. We need a satisfying answer, not a fake-out from an episode of Colonial TV’s Frak’d.

3. Caprican Delegate Leland “Fat Apollo” Adama

Lee, before the weight gain

No. Lame.

4. Mr. Doctor President Gaius Baltar

Mr. Nice Gaius

Again with what would be bad writing. Baltar is self-centered and weak and frequently makes mistakes. This is what makes him so very human. This shouldn’t be taken away from him. He unwittingly caused the destruction of the colonies because he’s human, not because he’s secretly a Cylon sleeper agent.

5. Captain Kara “Starbuck” Thrace (aka, ME!)

I look frakkin' adorable here

Seriously, I better not be the fifth frakkin’ Cylon. This wouldn’t be as big of a travesty as it would be if Baltar was the Cylon, but it would still be pretty damn major.

Okay, yeah, I was, at one point, the best shot in and out of the cockpit. I have badassery +10,000 and a “destiny” and all that stuff. And yeah, maybe I blew up and miraculously “came back from the dead” in the middle of a nebula that was causing all sorts of crazy shit to go on with our recently discovered Cylon friends. I even sorta fall into the description Madame President presented for the final Cylon in her previous (genius and very enlightening) post: “detached, individualistic, inventive, rebellious, unpredictable, dogmatic, eccentric, and aloof”.

But these things do not make me a Cylon. I think we all know by now that I am not perfect. I make all the boys miserable, I tend to drink myself silly, and Kat totally surpassed me (for a bit, see, at the time I was rilly sad about my Hot Not-Yet-Husband being possibly dead) at the shootin’ and pilotin’ stuff. Like Baltar, I make human mistakes. Let me stay human. Keep the destiny, sure, but I want to remain human.

Also, it would totally suck if the girl who was all badass turned out to be badass just because she’s a robot. Just sayin’.

I don’t really know what the point of this was, so in conclusion…Starbuck out!

Wait. Somewhere I lost track of what I was talking about. What was it?

Oh! Today’s episode and the infinite sadness. Okay, so anyway, as I was flying CAP in my Viper today and Hot Dog was repeatedly asking me questions that I wasn’t responding to, I got to thinking about the times we spent back on New Caprica. Not good times, I know. Saul didn’t bring all of us back.

But, despite that, here’s my question:

Remember when we were all so incredibly awesome down on New Caprica?

I shoved a fork through a dude’s neck! And then climbed on top of him and stabbed him repeatedly! And then cleaned my bloody hands off on the carpet and fixed my hair and went about eating my dinner as if I wasn’t being imprisoned by a crazy stalker Cylon who was obsessed with me!

And that was just me! Gaeta helped everyone with the dead drop thing! Tigh lost his eye and still kept on kicking! Ellen took one for the team boning Cavil! My Hot Husband overcame pneumonia without the use of antibiotics! The Chief grew a manly beard and unionized! Sharon proved herself to Adama and helped save humanity! Cally had an extreme baby! The Pegasus went down in a blaze of glory! Lee got fat! Shall I go on?

Godsdamn that was a good (bad) time. There must have been something in the air down there, guys. Made us all a billion times more kickass. Must have been particles of Miracle Cream floating around in the atmosphere, I dunno.

Which is probably why Helo never set foot on the planet. If he had, the place would have promptly exploded, because it couldn’t hold that much awesome at once.

This brings up a semi-related question: Did the Cylons really steal my ovary while I was stuck in that farm, or was Leoben just messing with me? I’ll open this one to the floor. Or I guess I could finally see Doc Cottle for a check-up.