At first they swam in.

The memories.

In films and anecdotes consciousness comes in a hit; one second blackness, the next you’re wide-eyed in bed with sterile women and masked men crowding round like mechanics.

For me it was vague. Splashy. Like a rock pool with waves that sometimes trickle in and sometimes gush out, but seem to do so independent of the rest of the coastline.

A tiny, erratic microcosm.

A lot of it was dark, I remember that much. Even when I could open my eyes the world seemed… dark. Visitors were distorted; all of them hunched over me, nose and eyes looming uncomfortably close, the occasional acrid breath making it through the oxygen mask. My inability to shoo them away, their talking of me in the third person. Assuming I slept.

The only constant was the machines. The hum of the lights (the lights they never turned off) and the beep of the monitors, punctuated regularly with peels of laughter from nurses or guttural shouts from disoriented, half-formed patients like myself.

I’d never before felt so alienated from my body. So anchored to my bones; closed in by flesh. So shut in with thoughts and pain. Occasionally I’d feel tears run down my cheek and eventually dry, occasionally something similar from the corner of my mouth. At times I was cold, at others hot; rarely comfortable.

Eventually I floated away from the senses. They were like an ocean tide; drifting out when I tried to get near, rushing in when I ran away.

I’m not sure how long it was; without windows or ‘lights-out’ there was no night, no day. I think there may have been a clock, but if so it was above and behind me, a theoretical space where nurses would occasionally glance. Far beyond reach. There was never a lull in the activity surrounding me. Never a break.

I’m not sure how long it was, but eventually I was aware of a particular visitor. One I didn’t recognise. He seemed to be there always, at my side; grinning like an idiot when I could see, talking loudly when I could hear, and staring silently when he didn’t know I watched. Like a lost child trying to be polite. Expressionless. His breath heavy.

I grew to detest this stranger. The oaf who talked to doctors as if my friend, feigned affection and care, savoured each new affliction and talked with bare disguised enthusiasm of every ‘bad day’ to any who dared attend.

God knows what I looked like to them.

I thought I caught sight of myself in a doctor’s glasses once, as he leaned in to check on my skin. The thing I saw there was swollen, like a beating heart. Unfamiliar. Inhuman and raw.

I kept my eyes shut round doctors after that.

I’d made attempts before at questioning him, the childish stranger, and at enquiring of the nurses who he was or claimed to be. Talking was tiring and disheartening; my mouth refusing to obey, the words getting lost on the trip to the tongue and strange, bubbling animal noise jerking awkwardly out in its place. The scared, confused look as the listener froze and tried to decipher without causing offense was not encouraging.

Soon enough he was never gone. He was one of the machines by now, his too-loud chatter, brash and thick, as rhythmic and reliable as the monitor beep and the lighting hum.

What visitors I had who’d not grown bored (their visits shrunk to ‘popping in’, from once a week to never) no longer even mimicked conversation, preferred to chat with him. My doctors talked to no one else, and when it came to comfort my nurses deferred to the strangers judgement.

His eyes lit up like windows in the night when consultants said I’d worsened. His face was sad, his nods and folded arms all stock grief and concern, but his eyes… his eyes lit up.

When alone he didn’t even try to hide his excitement. Didn’t even worry whether I saw, as he fiddled with the medication. Unhooking drips and swapping round tubes.

The tide rushes out and it’s dark.

Just the hum of the lights, just the beep of the monitor.

Just the strangers heavy breath remains.

The stranger that calls me his dad.

Last week a friend’s gchat status was this:

I could really use a hug and a xanax.

And now I’m stealing it.

I, myself, am fine. But some of my friends are not. And it runs the gamut from “you’ll get over it” to “that sucks” to “holy shit, this was never supposed to happen – why can’t we fix this?” And frankly, I feel helpless.

So, I’m throwing it out there. Whatever you believe in, if anything, if you could just throw some prayers, thoughts, good karma, etc. their way, I would appreciate it.

I have to believe that every little bit helps.

Image : http://www.flickr.com

Parenting is the toughest, most important job most people will ever encounter and yet there is no license required, no training required, and no 24/7 hotline. This is rather short-sighted on the part of society as the cost of bad parenting is immense, but in truth the situation is not as dire as it seems. While no training is required for new parents, it is very easy for parents to learn the ways and means of good parents as well as the traps and pitfalls of bad parents. All it takes for parents to learn more about parenting is to watch, listen, and learn.

Watching is a key element to learning more about parenting. Watch the parents around you and you can learn all sorts of lessons about how to interact with your child, how to discipline your child, and how to teach your child. Almost everywhere you take your child there will be other parents and their children. Watching means observing but also listening. Hear the tone of voice as well as the words those parents use. Some parents use the right words but their tone and physical manner contradicts those words. Watch the children to note their response. Some children respond more readily to their parents. Why? What is different about that parent-child relationship? What can you take away for your own parent-child relationship?

Listen to advice. You don’t need to take every piece of advice that is offered to you. After all, there are many people who are free with advice and yet have clearly demonstrated they are in no position to offer it. However, there is often some really good advice shared by people you know and trust as well as good advice offered by passing strangers in the supermarket checkout line or in the stands at a soccer game. Be a sponge. Keep your ears open. You don’t have to take that advice but keeping your options open gives you the chance to sort out the jewels and benefit from them.

Be an active learner. Seek out information when you face a parenting challenge. Perhaps your child is acting out in a new way and your old discipline technique isn’t working. Search the internet, flip through parenting books, and ask some experts in your circle of friends. Sometimes great advice will come to you but other times you will need to seek it out. The more proactive you are about finding solutions to your parenting problems then the better parent you will become.

Parenting is a challenging job, no question about it, but it also comes with wonderful built-in rewards. Some times parents are forced to take a tough unpopular stand but in the end good parenting comes with its own rewards. Those rewards include a happy, successful child and a warm, loving relationship that will extend long past childhood and span the rest of your life. So who needs special training. If you watch, listen, and learn then you can be the parent you want to be and your child deserves.

So far away.
Too far to help in any real way, so a virtual effort is the best I can do.
2 candles.

One for you.
One for Wally.
The tear is mine.
Also for you both.
I pray whatever is written, happens quickly.
For both of you.
It breaks my heart to know what you’re going through.
Day or night, if needs be, call.
Reverse the charges, whatever.
Only as far as the phone.
Always…..

Save me.
Empty words
like the emptiness
filling this heart -
the gaps in the starlit night sky
are where you might find me.
Walking the cosmos,
alone but not quite forgotten.
I’ll give you that much.
Though my time here is fleeting
I want you to stay.
Call me selfish, call me bitter,
call me human…
Is it so wrong?
To need to be needed?
Call me crazy, but you feel it too.
Take my hand,
just lift me above
these distractions.
Leave chaos and torture behind.
I won’t let you down;
that’s a promise,
for what it’s worth.
Which I hope
is as much as I mean it.
So from here
where now do we go?
Restless souls far from home, just
longing to lay down and sleep
for the night
is so long when we’re gone
as we wait for the dawn
Please just give me this chance,
a reason to wake up tomorrow…
Give me something,
anything to live for
right now
And I’ll admit
all along
you were
right.

My life’s been a handicap for the last 3 months due to the enormous prickly pain that I get when my body gets warm. Every episode of the reaction seems like an eternity and believe me, the pain is unbearable. Without medical insurance I can’t get it treated. And I’m afraid to go to urgent care or emergency room because that might cost too much. I took the risk of going to a county community hospital yesterday. The doctor doesn’t know what it is either, but have recommended me to take 2 benadryls every 4 hours and a tagamet twice each day. The goal is to block the histamine from every direction. I am recommended to see a dermatologist if that doesn’t work.

Yup, you guessed it, the Benadryl is kicking my ass right now. I have never felt so drowsy in my life. I’m willing to do anything though, just to see what happens. So far I have not gotten any reaction today. It has also been very cold, so I’m not sure if it’s from the medication or the cold weather. It might be from both. We’ll see what happens.

Dec 15, 2009- Tuesday

The 8 plus Benadryl and 2 tagamet per day has turned me into a zombie. I feel like I’m walking and snoozing every moment of the day. I’m so tired all the time. My eyeballs look like someone that hasn’t slept for days. Here is the good news. I’m still getting the reactions but at the minor level. Yesterday I was teased in the classroom by a classmate and got the major reaction like I did before I was heavily medicated. The many current minor reactions seem to be more on the feet and hands. I’m not quite sure why. I also noticed that the sensation felt different too. They seem minor but more like shrieking pain. I have not had the courage to venture in to the sunlight yet, and I probably will continue to avoid it a little longer. So basically I still have the symptoms but am able to tolerate the room temperature more now. I can’t wait for it to go away.

Dec 17, 2009 – Thursday

I took my last final last night. I got perfect scores on the finals in 2 of the 3 classes. Anyhow after class several of us went to a Japanese restaurant/karaoke/bar place. It was a little warm inside of the restaurant, so that put my body at the verge of getting the reaction. I did however get the reactions, but only when I participate in the conversation. I had to rush outside several times because of them. After the third episode I basically said to myself “screw it” and withheld my participation to a minimum. I thought it was odd that those reactions were so intense. I would have been able to tolerate the heat if I hadn’t participated in the conversation. Now I am questioning if the medication is working as I had thought, or at all. It’s no longer raining like the last many days and seems to be getting warmer according to the news. I fear that my condition will worsen.

Dec 19, 2009 – Saturday

It was a little pass 5 pm. After taking my Benadryl and tagamet, I wrapped up my things at Starbucks and headed home. I knew it was a little dangerous to drive especially when the Benadryl kicks in. Yet a part of me also wanted to enjoy my Friday night. So I decided to stop at the usual neighborhood bar and risked the chance of getting the reaction while I am inside. I figured it was early enough that the bar should be practically empty. The chance of experiencing a lot of body heat is slim as long as it is not busy. I wasn’t thrill about my time at the bar, but I was glad that I went there. I needed the break.

(A the bar)

I was feeling very empty as I sat at the bar sipping my pitcher of beer. Yes, I was sipping it and was trying to make it last for most of the night. It is my usual way of trying to cut down the cost. As the bar was getting more crowded, more negative thoughts began to enter my mind. Before long I hated my time there. Every time I find something interesting or attempt to engage in a conversation, I would get the reaction. I even tried to play pool. I would get the reaction as soon as I get excited from running the table. After a while I got tired of excusing myself to the bathroom too much, and decided to forget about the game altogether. Most of the night I spent my time sitting at the bar, taking deep breaths, and remaining as calm as possible. It was the only way to avoid the reaction. It was all that I can do.

The Family of Man...rgj

We read of TARP funds and bailouts of a wide variety, only the Chamber of Justice has acted to empower ordinary people allowing them to create their own jobs when local commerce has abandoned the unemployed as ‘not my problem man;-)”

Just a few days ago I went to a shopping mall to get my hair cut and other stuffs done, I went into the basemen for parking. To my amaze, I saw a bunch of people surrounding a car.

So I din’t look at it much when I saw an empty spot for me to park. After properly parked my car, I notice the group of people was actually trying to help a car to get out from that parking lot.

It doesn’t seem too hard to do that, but that car (a Toyota Wish) was actually stuck-ed together with the car beside and nearly touching the pillar on the other side. I was thinking to myself, for a moment I thought it was the drivers misjudge on the entry. But I think that was because of the driver s lousy-ness that got him/her (I didn’t see who was driving) into that trouble.

I wanted to help initially but there were so many people there helping a helpless driver who couldn’t handle a dreadfully simple parking. So I walked away to complete my mission of the day. The last I hear while I was still walking around that they have manage to get the car out from the lot.

Moral of the story, never drive a big car that you can’t even handle with your paid to pass driving license. You just cause more traffic problem and endanger yourself, your friends, your family and other people on the road. If I am the authority, most probably I’ll order him/her to take more driving lessons until he/she can really drive & park his/her car.

I would like to take this post in a different direction today and talk about a very taboo subject. The world of the emotional, depressive, cutter; who has “REALLY” tried to or succeeded at committing suicide. Honestly, I don’t think most of you would survive a day in our shoes. As we live in a very grim and dark world that only fellow “emo’s” can see. The path to this place is very bumpy and extremely dangerous at times, but I not only want to show the world that this place is in fact very real; but also shed some light on this taboo subject. I want to let everyone know that it is okay to talk about suicide or cutting; that there is someone who knows exactly what you’re going through. And has lived to tell the tale.

First what I want to make perfectly clear is the fact that “cutting” is NOT a suicide attempt. Well what is cutting then you ask? That’s easy, cutting is the attempt to make yourself “feel” something, so you know that you’re still human and not some soulless being just going through the motions day-after-day. Trust me if we really wanted to cut ourselves so that it would kill us we definitely would. We as humans have this amazing ability to feel different emotions. Those emotions, be it anger or love, lets us know that we’re alive. When you’re bombarded with so many emotions all at once, its kind of like an overload in your brain. So that starts the “feeling” shutdown. The worst “feeling” in the world is not being able to feel, especially when you know that you’re capable to feel. Therefore, starts the search to feel something. Which usually leads to cutting. All to just remind us that we are still human.

Some of you may be having an “ah-ha” moment right now or some of you aren’t even affected in the least bit. Which ever it may be just know that someone you might know is going through this at this very instant. They don’t need judgment they need help. The stigma of cutting or attempting suicide in, even today’s, society is great. We don’t want to be condemned as the “crazy person”. We want help. We just don’t know how to say it. And the last thing we need is to be turned away.

Secondly, the attempt of suicide is not a call for attention. It is a scream for help. The ones who have attempted, this includes me, or have succeeded in committing suicide don’t really want to die. We honestly don’t see another way out, and have exhausted all of the other possible ways. Yes, there are some who “cry suicide”. They are the ones who say, “Well I’m going to kill myself if you leave me.” This is the number one reason why the people who really do need the help are afraid to come forward. That’s why suicide is a surprise in the first place. We don’t go around telling everyone that we’re going to kill ourselves. We just do it. We are constantly thinking of how we’re affecting everyone around us and how we’re not really contributing anything to the world. All because we can’t “feel”, so were physically there but not emotionally. Which is the ultimate offense that anyone could possibly make.

With all of this said I hope I have been able to give you a new outlook on the ones who have a battle going on inside them day in and day out. We are not the selfish beings or the crazy people who society wants you to believe that we are. We are your neighbor, your sister, or you child. We need help and you, the “normal” ones, are the only ones who can give that to us. To let us know it’s okay and that no matter what, you will be there for us through thick and thin.

Skipping along the beach listening to Kim Weston, what a nice little track.

Kim Weston – “Helpless”

My original intent was to blog every other day through the Gospels, but today was so rich I had to write.

CHAPTER 7
7:5 – First take the log out SO YOU CAN SEE CLEARLY to remove the speck

7:15-20 – So a false teacher could NOT produce fruit…yet we like to attack people who are doing great ministry leading people to Jesus and discipleship, and we call them false prophets

7:24-27 – Storms come to ALL of us, but the question is, “What is your foundation?” And its good to answer that question before the storm comes.

CHAPTER 8
8:4 – Only a priest could determine a person’s reintegration into the religious community. Jesus knew that and wanted this man to be reintegrated

8:20 – Homeless Jesus! Where is THAT Christmas card? Where is THAT Christian imagery?

8:23 – The disciples followed him. What kept any members of the crowd from following him? What kept a mass of people from trying to be one of those on the boat with Jesus whom they were all following and listening intently to?

8:29 – I’m always stricken by the fact demons know Jesus so well! I think, possibly, demons KNOW Jesus better than a lot of Christians.

CHAPTER 9
9:2 - Amazing that FAITH is trusting hope in what we cannot SEE and yet Jesus can SEE our FAITH and perceive our thoughts (9:4)

9:4 – Why do you THINK evil in your HEARTS? – I wonder why we’ve so easily disconnected our brains from our hearts

9:11 – “Why does your teacher eat with…sinners?” I wish people would ask that about me, but alas, I’m often too afraid to eat there. I’m a pastor, for cryin’ out loud! Think of the implications!

9:14-15 – Jesus’ ministry provides what fasting seeks: communion with God’s presence, forgiveness, salvation, guidance

9:18-26 – FAITH says, “If God…then it WILL happen.” I am not so sure I have much faith in light of todays reading.

9:35-38 – It seems if it’s not one thing its the next for Jesus in these few verses and these three chapters. Jesus is just going, going, going. Sometimes even while he’s talking, someone comes to him in need. He is teaching, proclaiming, curing, and healing. He is curing EVERY disease and EVERY sickness.

When it would seem burnout is impending, you read verse 36.

“When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them BECAUSE they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.”

Basically he realizes the outrageous amount of hurt, disease and NEED in the human condition.

Then verse 37-38

“The harvest is plentiful” = there are A LOT of hurting people everywhere…always

“But the laborers are few” = but nobody else is meeting them in that hurt and need

“Therefore ask the Lord to send laborers” = ASK the Lord in faith and prayer that he would send people to serve the harassed, helpless, and hurting

BEWARE: Don’t think you can pray for laborers in order to skirt your responsibility to BE a laborer

Sunday. It was a nice feeling. Finally, a long break.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Everything was fine. Nothing really happened, but it was okay. Could it be due to the weather? I’m not sure. I don’t even remember if the weather was good or not those days. But my mood sure was good.

Friday, again, everything seemed to be just fine. And yes it was. I had a wonderful and fulfilling time that evening. Meeting few of my ex-classmates and ex-schoolmates, I thoroughly missed the moment while at high school.

Saturday, it was my cousin’s special day. I initially thought that it’s going to be one of those hectic day. Thank God I was totally wrong. It turned out to be one of the most wonderful day this year. Thank God again.

Sunday. I guess we did lose some of our energy afterall. It was a rest day. Wow, it’s been ages since my last proper rest.

Monday. Urghh.. Work again. I was feeling sleepy all day, but the mood was just fine. I was upbeat as usual. Thanks to that nice football match on the telly the previous evening. Result that is, not the performance. The performance was poor overall. 

Tuesday and now, things took turn to worse, at least in term of emotion and inspiration. I’m not sure why, again, but suddenly, I can’t think of anything and I felt a bit helpless. I tried to do virtually everything just to feel okay again, but nothing seemed to help. Instead, it was getting worse by the hour. I tried to offer some jokes and words of comfort even to some of my friends who needed them, and again, it didn’t help.

Helpless, Drained

On a positive notes though, I finally dreamt. Yes, I finally dreamt. It shouldn’t be a big deal, not to you. But it is for me. At last. Incidentally, I dreamt on the very day I felt drained and helpless. Guess we can’t have everything huh?