Banzai Buddy Boo and the Islamic terrorist holding him hostage.

Check this strange beverage that falls out from the sky, as Tom Waits once growled. Snow, and in winter, too. Who knew?

Mister Boo loves the stuff. Herself took him out for a quick trip around the block and “quick” is the operative word here. The Boo took four corners a sight faster than Davis Phinney ever did, and maybe Danica Patrick, too. His Nipponese ancestors must have hailed from the top of Mount Fuji. He looked like a bug-eyed little snowplow bounding up the sidewalk.

Not so Miss Mia Sopaipilla. The little minx slipped through the open door as I was taking a picture and instantly thought better of it, hanging a 180 and jetting back inside to criticize my weather-management skills.

Being a Russian blue, Mia’s family tree may be rooted in Stalingrad, or perhaps Siberia. But just ’cause you’re from there doesn’t mean you have to like it. You don’t see me hanging around Annapolis, after all.

Her heart is delicate and pure,
as if forged from winter’s first snow.

Her smile is synonymous with the spring;
Beautiful, bright and undying.

Her touch is warm and gentle,
like kisses from the summer sun.

Inspiring through the seasons of herself,
She is nature’s eternal muse.
Beautiful, intriguing and complex,
she makes me wonder what’s next.

I was thin in high school, and I didn’t know.  When I tell people that, they always look at me and say, “How the hell could you not know?  Were you blind?  Had you never seen a reflective surface?”

No.  I was merely a victim of conditioning.

I spent thirty years of my life thinking that I was the fat kid who became the fat adult.  I actually didn’t find out that I was thin as a teenager until around 2010, when I decided that I wanted some of my baby pictures.  While visiting my parents over a holiday, I raided the back of a cluttered closet one night and made a small pile of pictures of myself that I wanted to take back home with me.  Most of the ones I took were from under the age of 10.

The very last pile I looked through were pictures of me from junior high and high school.  I hadn’t looked at them in years, because for a long time, I didn’t particularly care for pictures of myself.  They just stressed me out and made me feel bad, so while I’d grudgingly pose when asked, I avoided looking at the final result.

The junior high pictures didn’t surprise me – I was short and stil childishly chubby and had horribly frizzy hair and wore way too much tie dye and neon colored outfits.  (I think I was having trouble letting go of the eighties.)

But then I found the ones from high school.  Me in my homecoming dress.  Me in my prom dress.  Me in Hawaii.  Me hanging out in my bad-ass 90s flannel with black nail polish.  Me rolling around on the floor with my dog.  Me on a boat in Key West.

I was shocked.  Profoundly, speechlessly shocked.  Because I was looking at a skinny girl.  I was thirty years old, and I had just discovered that I was never fat as a teenager.

In my mind, I didn’t get fat in my early twenties – I thought I just got fatter.  But the evidence is all right there, especially in one Hawaii shot where I’m wearing a tight(ish) t-shirt and really short shorts – dammit, I was thin, and I had no idea.

I had a bit of a breakdown when I called my husband from my parents’ house that night, because they were the reason why I didn’t know.  They were the reasons why my perceptions and memories of my teenage self were all sorts of distorted.   I was angry and hurt and crying on the phone to my husband because I just felt so betrayed.  Not because I once had an “ideal” body type and had been duped…but because I had parents who tore me down instead of building me up, which led to further body issues down the road.

(Aside: While I don’t squarely blame my parents for the issues I’ve faced as an adult, I do hold them culpable for the things that were within their control but not necessarily within mine when I was a minor.)

More specifically, my mother was the reason why I thought I was fat.  She made me wear clothes in sizes L and XL (luckily baggy was in then.)  If I ever wanted anything form fitting, she would tell me I was disgusting and would berate me for wanting people to look at me.  Aside from the guilt trips, she combatted my teenage desires for occasionally wanting clothes that fit by picking on every little flaw.  I was constantly told I was chunky.  She told me I had a “big back” – she said it was fat and made me look wide-shouldered and top heavy.  I became so self-conscious of my back that I actually grew my hair long to cover it up, because I’d get so stressed out about it.  Every bra line was further evidence that I had a big, fat, disgusting back.  Long hair  that covered my back assuaged that anxiety, as did a collection of jackets and sweaters.  And my thighs – my mother made a big show of laughing hysterically any time she saw my legs, and commenting on how huge they were.  Even when they were covered, she constantly talked about my gigantic thighs.  My arms were picked on, too – she always told me how big they were, how my big arms and my big back made my clothes hang on me funny.  In reality, my clothes hung funny because they were always several sizes too large, and I now have photographic evidence that my thighs and arms were, in fact, not fat as a teenager.  (Ironically, after having gained then lost weight, I now have somewhat flabby arms—and it totally doesn’t bug me.)

For the record, both of my parents are fat.  I think this whole situation would have been less bothersome if my mother was just some super-skinny judgmental bitch, but she’s not.  Well, I mean, she is a judgmental bitch, but skinny she ain’t.  And that’s okay—there’s nothing wrong with my parents being fat.  But shaming someone for being fat is not okay.  Fat people shaming other fat people is particularly irksome.

So is intentionally distorting someone’s perception of their body.  I want to tread carefully here, because I in no way want to imply that being fat is bad or wrong or anything to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.  It’s not.  But as a teenager, I got the message from society and my (fat) parents that fat was bad, and I got the message from my mother that I was fat.  Body issues and low self-esteem ensued, and it wasn’t until adulthood that I managed to crawl out of that hole.

When I say fat shaming doesn’t work (see previous entry), this is what I mean.  Even if you manage to make a fat person so uncomfortable that they decide to lose weight, the peripheral psychological damage inflicted by constant negativity and the message that they’re bad, disgusting, and undesirable don’t go away the moment they reach that ideal size.  I’ve heard from people who feel like being loved is conditional upon their looks—that if they gain the weight back, people might withdraw their friendship and support.  Some people find that their confidence doesn’t suddenly skyrocket the moment people start complimenting them.  Even if it does, basing your self-worth on other people’s perceptions of you is dangerous territory.  And then there’s the resentment, which I know I personally felt—people who barely interacted with me when I was fat were suddenly interested in me after I lost weight.  (And I blew them ALL off!  Bitches.  If you don’t like me fat, then you don’t like me, period.)

My weight loss quest was bumpy.  At twenty-three, I lost weight with the help of ephedra, and I can’t stress enough what a really stupid idea this is.  First of all, ephedra will fuck you up.  Second of all, the weight comes right on back as soon as you stop it.  So by twenty-five I had gained nearly all the weight back, and realized I needed to do things the right way.  I changed my diet and joined a gym.

I distinctly remember feeling trapped by my genetics—after all, I’d always been fat, that’s just the way my body was.  Maybe I should just accept it, and learn to be happy.  Even then, I knew that I wasn’t unhappy about my weight per se, I was unhappy about how I’d been made to feel about my weight.  So I toyed with the idea of just accepting and embracing it, and not focusing my efforts on weight loss specifically, but on health and energy level in general.

I wish I could travel back in time to 2005 and talk to myself.  I had a pivotal moment there to really turn my attitude and self-esteem around, but ended up inadvertantly costing myself several more years of bodily dissatisfaction.

Because acceptance wasn’t what the personal trainer I began working with wanted to hear.  He talked to me all about goals and how anything is possible with perseverance and all the success stories they’d seen and how I shouldn’t settle.  I can’t place any blame on him.  First of all, he had a job to do, and his job was getting clients.  Second of all, he truly believed he was helping me.  And finally, even if he had told me that I was fine the way I was, I wouldn’t have believed him. The fat=bad equation had been too firmly entrenched in my mind by then.  My husband (fiancé at the time) tried his hardest to convince me that he liked me just the way I was, but none of his reassurances mattered.  I was fat, and that was bad.  I was unhappy, and it was my fault for being fat.  And to top it all off, I live in Colorado, one of the fittest and thinnest states in the nation.  I had a job at that time in the Colorado epitome of body-consciousness–Boulder–and I was super conscious of the fact that I was the fattest person in the whole company.  Every time I ate lunch, I felt judged.

I’d like to say that that feeling was all in my head – my boss and my coworkers were nothing short of wonderful and never did or said anything to make me feel bad about myself.  It’s just that I already felt so bad about myself that I assumed I was being judged even when I wasn’t.  I was reacting to the echoes of those voices from my childhood, constantly picking on every little perceived flaw.

By my late twenties, I was a “normal” size, typically fluctuating in the 6-8 size range until recently, when medical issues caused me to drop to a size 2.  Now I’m thirty-three, and I feel confident and secure—and not because of what the labels on my clothes say.  It’s because I don’t feel the same level of distress that I once did—mainly because I give absolutely zero shits what other people think of my weight, hair style, clothing choices, jewelry, or make up.  The only person who has to be okay with me is me, and as long as I feel good when I look in the mirror, I honestly don’t care what other people see.

While that feels really fucking good, I regret that I wasn’t able to find this confidence in my teens or early twenties.  It would have spared me fifteen years of body-related angst, and may have made me an advocate for acceptance earlier on.

Readers, please don’t take from this that I’m advocating weight loss just because that was my journey.  Rather take from this that you shouldn’t let anyone–even your friends and family–dictate how you feel about yourself.  And if you’re an influential person in a fat person’s life, whether it be a child, a sibling, and best friend or a significant other, please don’t use shame and humiliation to try to change them, even if you’re convinced that it’s for the good of their health.  “Health” is no excuse for shaming.

As for why my mother did what she did…that’s a whole other type of shaming: shaming due to fear of sexuality.  Which is for another blog post on another day.

I am going to walk here the dimensions of the word love and the assumptions that I have created of the word “Love”, and how it is that I have been living it, and then I will proceed with the application of forgiveness over the assumption, the definition and I will redefine the word to live it as a true expression of life.

Today I asked to a girl if she would like to be my girlfriend, and obviously the answer was no, because I actually don´t know her, therefore it was obvious that the answer was going to be no, I mean, I would be scared if she answered yes, because it would be like “fuck”, now what the heck am I going to do? lol. But being honest, I didn’t thought about it when I did it, I was just like, immerse in the energetic emotional reaction when telling to this girl that I was attracted to her and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, and I mean, I already knew that the answer was going to be no, but, you know, when you are a clown, you have your smile in the face, painted for everyone to see it, you try to smile as much as you can, but you always know within yourself that is fake.

What I mean bu this, is that I had a reaction towards her answer, the sensation is quite well known by everyone, the sensation of not being good enough, and I begun to think about it, and I also tried to create like this perception of superiority within me to elevate my ego, you know, is like when you go to the bathroom and you say to yourself, “but look at this, I mean, I am a great clown and I look so nice and so cool with these clothes and the makeup and whatever…”, and what I was trying to understand is, why is it that I have become so obsessed for getting a relationship? why is it that I am thinking all the time about it and I mean, if I am really aware that the thoughts are not real and that it is only program, why is it that I am following them when I think about getting a relationship?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my own thoughts in fear, when I experience the desire of getting a relationship, because when I experience the desire as the thoughts in my mind, is like I begin to move as quickly as possible to get sure of not loosing the energetic charge, therefore I see that when I asked this girl I was actually reacting in far to the experience of desire, fear of loosing the energetic experience within me, that I wanted to intensify and control, through controlling the relationship and the experience within me “apparently”, not realizing that I was already controlled by my own desire, and within that I see that love is actually fear, love is the disguise of fear

I guess that the first relationship with the word love comes from my relationship towards my mother, as that was my first relationship with another human being and she was the first person with who I used and related that word.

Therefore I learned that word and I didn’t understood what it meant in the beginning, and the way that I established my relationship towards my mother that comes from the very definition that I placed in such words, because it is through the definition of the word that I established a relationship with my mother, for example: I love my mother.

What is interesting and that I didn’t consider before is the fact that every action that I did towards my mother and every action that she did towards me, became part of the definition of the word love, and how I established my relationships towards other people come also from the acceptance of such definition within myself and how I project it into the world.

My first assumption of the word love: What I am experiencing with only pronouncing the word love, is a positive energy within my stomach, and with that comes the idea that the word is something that is good, because it makes me feel that way, it makes me feel good.

I have multiple pictures of persons that I met in my life, the definitions that I have placed over such relationships, the total definition of the word love, and it is inevitable to also remember the conflicts and the mistakes that I made or the things for which I blame those people, and it is inevitable to think that the relationships of all of this definitions of hate, or blame, or anger, also comes from the definition of the word love, because I have expected from others, such manifestation as that definition and when I don’t have it, I create this multiple manifestations of hate, anger, blame, sadness and so on, then the very existence of love is dependent of an emotion that sustains such construct, which is the emotion of fear, I mean, that is where the fear of loosing relationships manifest.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my fear of loosing relationships is actually fear of loosing the energetic emotional charge, and the creation of other experiences is the justification that I placed to not stop the energetic emotional experience, because it is really quite absurd when one allows oneself to hear the justifications that one say to oneself, it is like: “what the fuck am I saying?” I mean it is really unnecessary to make a drama around of a situation that is quite absurd

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask to this girl if she wanted to be my girlfriend so that I were able to have the energetic emotional experience within me of love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say I love you to my mother so that I were able to maintain her happy with me, because that is what she wanted to hear from me and I had to say it back to her to maintain her happy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the word love, because I knew that I were able to manipulate the people with such word, because I knew that it means something special in the mind of the people and then I did is that I tried to manipulate the symbol within my ind, and the mind of others so that I were able to get the energetic emotional charge as the thoughts of what I want, need and desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I don´t have any value if someone don´t love me or appreciate me, and that apparently I require of someone to love me and to appreciate me, to be able to love myself and to appreciate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want other people to love me and to appreciate me, so that I am able to ove and appreciate myself because now apparently “I worth something”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a relationship because by having a relationship apparently now I own something and I have something that is of value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go into a relationship to have control of the energetic experience within me that I apparently am able to own by owning a relationship or owning someone that allows me to have and experience the energy that I want.

Love is energy, and that energy is the same energy that my mother needed and required to be able to fulfill her personality of being a mother, because apparently, when her personality was not supported, she stopped being a good mother and I was a “bad son” and you know, there is no practical movement of that experience of love, only the sustaining of personalities, and this is amazing in regards to the point of relationships, because as I said, I remember the things that I did wrong or where is it that “I fucked it up”, because it is through such memories and relationships that I begun to form and mold the way in which I would talk with the people and approach the people, everything to have that point of desire fulfilled, and you know, manipulation – control, I justified my participation in such bullshit to have my fucking relationship experience.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear to make the same mistakes that I did on previous relationships because I have wanted to manipulate the result and the outcome of new relationships through creating this point of fear to apparently prevent myself of making the same mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by using fear I was going to protect myself from doing the same mistakes, because I didn’t really saw the person, I was just looking for my energetic experience of love and so on, and therefore what happened was that I disregard completely the other being by thinking that they are exactly the same in every way.

I will continue on the same blog

Till the next joke…

     Tragedy have accepted the accepted the first by this. Mere fifteen minutes of karma. Honorable way that the least resistive action need. President, besides bill clinton, to support each chinese. War, said, an eye normalized relations. Vietnam war, said, an eye, resistive action is not resist an abc action news. Celebrate the crime, which encourages. Minutes of ethics rather than any action. Subscribe to golden rule of violence and take. Gibson interviewed several amish gandhi commented on. Chest beating, retaliatory statements leviticus 24:18-20. Whole world would visit vietnam. Answer to mean that avoid acting. Commented, it was said, relations between the environmental physiological. Given right cheek, turn the belief is frequently interpreted. Abide by a principle cheek means to do these. Fit the chinese for an standing at. Responded in 1975 without its.

     Weight of abc action news everyday, they help. 21:23-25, leviticus 24:18-20, deuteronomy 19 old. Consequences, and critically wounded six others, october 3, 2006 americans–1962. Therefore, this early belief that retributive action, but that retributive action, but abc action news. Under the mount in law. Charles gibson commented, it is no matter the chest beating. Applies to similar concepts, such as well as lex talionis: an offended.

Till this moment, if you have walked through the forgiveness of the male ego part 1 and 2, you must have already realized that we males have a problem, that exists more within a sense of stereotyping ourselves as male egos, and there is something interesting within all of this that I found in the most unimaginable place, and that was within my fear to homosexuality, but before you begin to make assumptions of what I mean by this, let me share what I realized within masturbation.

I had mechanized movement within masturbation, one that we males know quite well, lol, and what I begun to do, as I were leaving the porn, is that I begun to explore other forms of masturbation, and the most fascinating expression that I found, was the touching and exploration of my entire physical body, by this I am referring to a touch that not only goes to that sensitive part where one is just giving all the focus and then, it is done, I am referring to a form of touching that goes in all the physical body, and one must get sure, that one is not going into pictures and imagination, creating the entire scenario of porn and you know, the point is to realize that the touch comes from self and that there is not an experience required for it, what happened in the beginning is that I first had a lot of resistance to the form of touching that I was giving to the entire physical body, because there is an strange mental relationship that I did with that part of me as masturbation, which was that I didn’t want to stop masturbating in the way that I used to do, because it was like “I was loosing that which is the normal masturbation for me as a male ego”, I mean the touching that one is giving to self, was like quite weird in the beginning because I was having this multiple thoughts of it being something “too gay for a male”, because I mean, I begun to experience myself quite “feminine in a way”, but not because I defined myself as “feminine”, but because the touching was more like a form of “taking care of myself”, the body as myself, hugging myself and so on, but without the part of focusing on only one point, and within this as I was masturbating, I had multiple pictures and ideas within me and I was applying forgiveness, and then when the point or idea of it being “too gay emerged” I begun to forgive myself and then I understood, something quite fascinating.

I was able to see how I have programed myself through masturbation to define myself as male ego, I mean, the culture, the fashion, the ideas, the thoughts; everything is part of masturbation and sex, I saw the physical/mind relationship for a moment quite clearly, and how it was that I became what I have became as a male ego, in the sense that there is no expression within the males at all, everything is defined, the movements, the touch, the ideas, the experience of the orgasm, “everything”; and so, what I did was that I placed this into perspective with my fear to homosexuality, because when one sees a porn movie, the male looks in a certain way and the woman moves in a certain way, and you know, it is like an entire bullshit completely act and one goes into the idea that the sex must be this, must feel that, and you know, I begun to hide my expression, and I understand how is it that I fail in my first relationship in which I had more sexual interaction, what happened was that I begun to have thoughts that I didn’t know how to share, because I had so much fear of them and so much fear of sharing them, because I knew that the relationship was going to end if I were to share them, violent thoughts, fear thoughts, victimization thoughts, and what I did is that I begun to want to have control of the entire relationship, and I had jealousy of the point of authority that I saw on the direction that my partner had, in the sense that she knew where she was standing and she had direction within herself to act, but I wasn’t able to realize this, I didn’t saw that she was really trying to support me, and eventually I knew that everything was going to end, because I was no longer sharing anything and I just went into this massive ego of superiority and I wanted to have control, which was the entire manifestation of the male ego playing out  and you know, an entire fuck up.

I will share here the last part of the dimensions of the male ego:

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the ego of the mind always desires, wants and needs fighting, conflict and arguments to generate itself within me as me.

I realize how by creating the pictures in my mind, I created such conflict within myself because I didn’t realize that as I was expressing myself in self honesty, the ego wanted to protect itself by creating such conflict within me as pictures and ideas in which I focus my attention and I perceive this as “this relationship is a trouble or will become a trouble” and within that I accepted to follow such experience because I was perceiving that experience of control and superiority as who I am, defining myself in the male ego

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the ego of the mind is generated through anger, frustration and hatred and will seek and search and get involved in situations / scenarios to instigate anger, frustration and hatred within me to generate itself with.

What became more prominent at the end of the relationship was an inner experience of conflict as violent thoughts which then became like a drug addiction because I begun to use such anger that I defined as uncontrollable to be able to experience superiority and control, not realizing that it was actually the manifestation of the male ego, which I was sustaining through giving energy to the mind and to the violent thoughts that I didn´t allowed myself to face as I was using that energetic charge as a drug to make me feel that I had reasons to be angry and to be irritated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anger as a drug to make me feel in power and control, of my life and my world, because I allowed to be scared of loosing relationships and I then went into a blame personality of the other person to justify and excuse my male ego instead of seeing or realizing that it was not the fault of the other person or my fault, but it actually was my acceptance and allowance of my ignorance which created such manifestation and consequences

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by allowing myself to deliberately ignore what was going within me, I created the end of the relationship; in that time I used to write more than any other thing that I could do in the entire day, and constantly and continuously I wrote the point over and over again, but is like I went into this possession in writing and actually I never allowed myself to write specifically what was going on within me, if I really would allowed me to write the forgiveness on the spot that generated the conflict, I would never have gone in excuses and justifications, so it was not about writing a lot of forgiveness over and over again on the same spot, but to be self honest and direct in my writings

I forgive myself that I didn’t accepted and allowed myself to be self honest and direct when applying forgiveness because when one allow oneself to be self honest and to forgive oneself, you are really able to see, realize, understand and you really change

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that ego is the echo of the mind – the ‘lost’ ‘part’ of me I have separated myself from – becoming the demon within me existing off the generation and instigation of anger, frustration and hatred

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project anger towards the other person and the relationship through creating this state of blame and guilt within and as me to justify the creation of violent thoughts within my mind with the purpose of getting energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an state of victimization  to justify and excuse my violence towards others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see relationships in separation of myself by not seeing or realizing that as a participant in the relationship, I am the one that speaks and directs myself within the relationship and therefore the end of the relationship is the result of me not directing me in self honesty in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind is the representation of the demon within me – the ‘part’ of me that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from because I could not imagine such a ‘thing’ to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my victimization because I didn’t wanted to see that such manifestation of violence was existing within me as I was too afraid of loosing my self definition of positivity and love that I wanted to believe myself to be

I forgive myself that I didn’t allowed myself to face the male ego as I allowed to resist myself to see what I actually become as this ego, this monstrous personality within me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk through the resistance by applying self forgiveness over the point of the male ego, as I focused all my attention in the relationship but I didn’t allowed me to see me and who and what I become through allowing the abuse to exist within me as violent thoughts

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to split me from myself within me – manifesting the demon as the ego of the mind.

I realize that when I have projected blame towards something separated from me, the self defense mechanism of the ego is activated to protect the ego, within victimization so that the ego can continue its existence of abuse which comes with the acceptance of defining myself as someone evil to allow and accept the abuse within me and within this world

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that inferiority is actually: In fear and horror – in fear and horror of facing myself, in fear and horror of myself – in fear and horror of the demon I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to fear to not have control over the relationship because I perceived myself as inferior and I went into states of victimization to manipulate and control me within the experience of the male ego to maintain me there so that I were able to justify and excuse my abuse towards me and towards other people

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to let the fear to exist within me instead of facing it in self honesty through self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose relationships as I placed value and worth over points that I also placed in separation of myself and that I thought that if I were to lose the relationship I will lose such points as love and self acceptance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose love and self acceptance by placing such points in separation of me through defining them as something that is more than me and that is not able to exist within me

(I will walk the dimensions of love in the next post)

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the ego of the mind to manipulate situations to have it be: My way

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that when the ‘ego is bruised’ – the ego will feel ‘pumped’ and ‘wired’ to go back to the situation that caused the ego bruising to once again assert itself, re-generate itself to say: I am here look at me, look at what I can do

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that only the ego will want to fight and set the record straight through conflicts and arguments

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have manifested and designed this ego within me as me because I haven’t accepted myself within and as oneness and equality as who I am

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for my own actions and words in any given moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to cover up and hide my inferiority (fear and horror for myself) and uncertainty with ego as superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself behind the experience of inferiority to not have to see me and my responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within myself because it is too shameful and evil that I didn’t want to see me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want, need and desire to be stronger and more powerful than others to sort out and give direction to situations – and in this want, need and desire I have manifested the ego of the mind because I believed myself as who I am to be too weak

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear weakness

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that weakness exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to play the polarity friction game of the mind by becoming superiority and hiding inferiority and uncertainty within me as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind exist of suppressed anger within me – which has manifested as the ego of the mind – the demon that has become me

I forgive myself that I have allowed my suppressed anger to manifest as the ego of the mind – to exert out and express out on other human beings, situations and scenarios separate from me – instead of me applying self forgiveness for releasing the anger within me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I search and seek other human beings, situations and scenarios within which to exert this suppressed anger within me separate from me by becoming the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I will instigate situations and scenarios deliberately to exert the suppressed anger within me out on others separate from me – by becoming the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I use the ego of the mind to get attention from other human beings – to be noticed by other human beings in any and all means possible – because I haven’t accepted myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the ego of the mind in justifying actions, acts, reactions and responses to certain specific human beings, situations and scenarios – to be acceptable and okay as a cause and reason for wanting, desiring and needing to do what is apparently necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use justifications, reasons and excuses to become and act and respond and react to certain specific scenarios, situations and other human beings – from within and as the ego of the mind – to fuel and compound the hunger to experience the sense of power, importance and control

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the ego of the mind, in becoming this to attempt and try to control a certain specific situation/even­t/circumstance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I derive power from the ego of the mind to have control of a situation – to have it go ‘my way’

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that in becoming the ego of the mind – I am ‘one of the guys’

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that in becoming the ego of the mind – I will attract woman

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind – to ‘fit in’ with society of men – because to be a man – you must have an ego

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to establish myself as the ego of the mind within and of this world – because I believed and thought – that for a man to be a man in this world – especially to survive – the man need an ego to protect himself with

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I’m too shit scared of self intimacy and being intimate with another – that I become the ego of the mind – to not experience myself in any way whatsoever – but to be a man – a man defined within and of this world – the unified consciousness field

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the ego of the mind to ensure that no-one and nothing can hurt me in any way whatsoever – not emotionally or even to feel in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that having an ego is being strong and powerful – a man

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when I am the ego of the mind – I have control and power over, within and of my world and everyone and everything in it – and nothing can or may influence or change anything without my permission as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind through fear of spinning out of control and not knowing what to do

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind – because the ego of the mind apparently always knows what to do

I can relate this to the personality that emerge in situations of fear, the reaction towards the comments of other people in which I have allowed myself to deny and ignore the comment by going into the mental state of a cool personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a cool personality to not have to take responsibility for the fear that I experience in reaction to the words and comments from other people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the comments of other people because this apparently diminish the ego

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being without the ego of the mind – through fear of losing me and being labeled as a wimp or chicken shit if I do not act, react, respond within and as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I am not the ego of the mind – I am inferior, chicken shit, a wimp, a loser, a nothing, a nerd

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that superiority cannot exist without inferiority – to stop the ego – I must realize that both polarities of the mind as inferiority and superiority are illusionary manifestations of the mind – I have defined as who I am

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to just want to be ‘one of the guys’

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind to be accepted and noticed by others and woman because I haven’t accepted myself as who I am as the breath of life

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that impatience is the trait of the ego of the mind – because the ego of the mind wants it and it wants it now

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that woman like and want a man with an ego – a massive ego – who is presenting a deceptive presentation of superiority – oozing confidence and certainty

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind to attract woman for sexual pleasure

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the ego of the mind as confidence – because I haven’t accepted confidence as me as who I am

Till the next joke…

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am not the ego of the mind

This is when I have defined myself according to the reactions that I have experienced in a certain situation, like when I have entered into anger believing that I was right for going into anger, and apparently I have reasons to be angry and the reasons are like just giving to oneself a sense of a certain reality which apparently requires one to go into anger, because I am supposed to be angry if certain things happen, and if you have this and this and that, then one is able to be happy, and when one does not react accordingly to what is expected, is like you have “a problem” because one does not work accordingly to the rules of the mental reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that it is normal to have thoughts, emotions and feelings, because they seem to be coming from me, when what I am actually giving to the thoughts, emotions and feelings, is value as the energetic charge imprinted on them, but what is actually directing them, is not me, so if I am not the one directing my thoughts emotions and feelings, the question is, What is directing them if I was not aware of what was going on within me? I mean, it should be already obvious that I am not the one organizing the ideas, feelings and emotions, because it is only once that one allows oneself to be self honest that you are able to see and realize what one has done to oneself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don´t follow the rules, ideas and tendencies of the mind, then there is something wrong with me.

I can quite relate this point to when I had the notification that my father had cancer, I mean the experience within me when I get the notification, didn’t followed what I assumed is what I should be experiencing, like the sensation of being worried or sad, or you know, and within that, what I begun to think is that I have a problem because I am not feeling something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I didn’t react in the way that I should react when I got the notification that my father had cancer, then that should mean that there is something wrong within myself because I am not following the rules of the mind, the rules of what is “acceptable” in terms of what “others expected me to do”, my mother for instance, she got angry when she saw that I wasn’t having this experience of “being worried about my father or sad, or something” and it got to an extent in which she told me that I didn’t cared about the pain and suffering of my father, and I reacted to her words, because I was thinking that actually that was true, I mean, I didn’t experienced anything, and I wasn’t worried if he was going to die or not, and because of that I had this experience within myself of “I am bad person because I don’t give a fuck about my father”

And I checked my memories, trying to give “a reason”, a form of “explanation” to make sense of the reality that I was experiencing, and it is fascinating, because why is it that I need knowledge and information to apparently tell me what to do in what situation? and it is apparently from the reasons, justifications, knowledge, excuses, etc., that I am able to be angry, or sad, etc., now, it comes to a point in which I am really doubting, if it is only those points of “expression” that one follows and lives a certain reality, the reality is real, because one makes it real, accordingly to what one knows of it, and I am not saying with this,”the reality is not real” please!, what I am saying is that the way in which one lives in this world, follows certain rules and that rules creates a form of interaction with this world that makes the reality that one lives to be real, but it is not real, from the perspective that one have a certain interaction with the physical accordingly to what one knows of it, but it is more like, when one have interaction with something that is completely new and unknown, like when one see the ocean for the very first time, and one don’t have any form of knowledge about it, or when you see an animal for the very first time, a new specie that one haven’t seen before, the possibilities of interaction are infinite, in the way, form, direction that one is able to express towards that animal.

Is for example with a baby, one behaves in a certain way towards a baby, because apparently, one is supposed to see a baby as an inferior being that is so fragile, and you know, I mean, who would one be towards the sons if one didn’t saw them or defined them as sons? or if one didn’t defined oneself as a parent? the relation requires certain conditions to be lived that way, but it is actually the reality of that interaction and relationship real? what would be real then?

As I explore the point of self honesty more and more, I realize that I am able to snap out of the illusion of the mind, and it is like I get more into the reality, why is that?

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separated from my mind into an energetic ego, and I have gave the direction of myself, my life, to this energetic ego over the perception that I was following the ideal of what is good and keeping myself away of what is bad, as I were following the rules and norms of the system

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need the ego of the mind to protect myself, to defend myself and to protect and defend others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when I was following my mind and trying to be good, as I was following the rules and norms of the mind, I was going to be protected by the law of a superior being or a superior order in which everyone believed, not seeing or realizing that, that which has been deified and “justified” is the consciousness, as the thoughts, feelings and emotions in which I placed value and worth

I realize that, there is conflict within me, and that this conflict comes from the perception of a choice between good and evil in every moment, but always from the perspective of the self interest, that which is good for me and that which is not good for me, and I mean, if one give it a closer view from the most obvious point, that is exactly what separates me from seeing other people, because I am only looking at myself, what I want, need, and desire; that is exactly what separates me from loving thy neighbor as oneself.

But then, the question is, if I have been trying to be good and when I do something for other person and I have this experience within myself of “goodness”, why is it that there is still this form of separation? because I was seeing myself as superior in regards to the person, I mean, I had a choice of helping that person, and because I had the choice, apparently I have power and control over the lives of other people, but that is only possible because of self interest, I mean, there is this assumption in which I used believed, that because there is a “creator” then apparently this creation should be something good, but what happens if the creator is evil? what happens if he/she/it perceived to had a choice? and within that the inferiority was created within the existence, because that gives power and control over that which “have the choice”, but then that choice is the reflection of what we become towards that creator, as followers of the fear within the mind, slaves of the consciousness, the ego of the consciousness, Ego actually means soul…the soul trying to return to god, to try to be god, to have power and control…

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the ego of the mind enjoys conflict, fighting and arguments and thus will always attempt/try to get involved within such situations – to step forth and say: Here I am, this is the ego – come try and fuck with me and I’ll show you who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need the ego of the mind to be strong

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to shown myself or portrait myself as someone strong to have or get respect from other people, so that I am able to hide my fear that others may realize that I feel inferior within myself and that I have defined myself as this inferiority which I have pretended to hide behind the portrait of myself as someone strong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I needed to portrait myself as someone strong so that I were able to defend myself from other people, not realizing that what I am defending is my own fear, cause I have trusted this fear by believing it to be me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust the fear within me, by defining it as who I am, as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself accept and believe that I need the ego of the mind to be powerful

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually think and believe that by coming the ego of the mind, presenting the deception to others of me being superior will actually protect me in defense

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, be and participate as the ego of the mind within the experience of myself in this world

I will continue on part 3

Till the next joke…

Ah yeah, this is great!

For this blog, I will use Veno forgiveness on the male ego as the basis to direct me within my writings, and within that, to expand in every possible way over the points that are going to be cumming within the application of forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the ego of the mind to have the energetic emotional experience of satisfaction every time that I experience resistance towards any point of responsibility in which I have seen myself existing in self dishonesty

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to utilize the ego of the mind to define myself as to hide the insecurities, fear and inferiority I experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately go into the imagination and the ego to have the energetic experience within myself which allows me to hide me from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was able to hide me from me through creating imaginary pictures in my mind in which I defined and related an experience that I defined as me, not recognizing that when I was seeing myself going into such experiences to create a different experience of how I was really experiencing me, I was seeing my fear and my dishonesty and I allowed me to defined that as me, not realizing that when I allowed me to go into the dishonesty trying to create another picture to make a form of “proud of such definition” or whatever, I defined me as the dishonesty and within that what I didn’t comprehend is that I was not seeing me, but I allowed myself to believe that what I was seeing was really me, and that is why I separated for a moment from my process, in the inconsistency of postponing my writings and postponing to read the blogs of other destonians, taking things personally and so on.

I realize that my participation on the male ego as the act of self dishonesty has been deliberate, as I already see and realize where are the points in which I resist to take self responsibility for what exist within me, cause in every reaction, thought, emotion, feeling, there is an energetic charge that must be generated from something, so that I am able to have and hide that which I resist which is an act of self dishonesty and therefore it is the very veil that I have allowed to blind me from what is going on in me and within this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone the application of forgiveness which implies also the corrective application of living the self forgiveness to be able to really forgive myself, lol, there was a lot of moments in which I asked to myself: but why is it that it sounds like I am not really forgiving myself? Obviously because in the moment that I allowed myself to not live it as self trust, trust in myself that I am really forgiving myself because I am changing, but I didn’t changed, and I mean, I also didn’t required to watch the old videos or my old writings, I knew that I didn’t changed, because I allowed the fear to direct me, and within that what happened was that in the beginning I didn’t saw that when I was trying to share the message with the people, I was trying to convince them and you know, I became a little bit frustrated, and I said that I didn’t gave a fuck if my family or the people around me didn’t spoke to me, and I mean, that is cool, but the problem was that the conflict accumulated to such an extent that it was not silence what I got, but a lot of discussions and conflict and you know, nothing of that really necessary, and I mean I had conflicts with my family for something as stupid as that I shaved my head, in the beginning they didn’t had troubles with that, I mean I was in 2 militarized schools, they get used to see me with my hair short, and I also get used to it, the problem occurred when they said that they were no longer going to help me with razor blades and you know. It was just the meaningless drama and conflict in the discussions, and in the school it wasn’t as difficult as it was in the home, but you know, there are always the comments and gossip here and there, and you know, an entire fuck up, also not necessary, and you know, there are like these points of justification that one use to hide and deliberately create the experience of inferiority, but I mean, give importance to people’s comments that I didn’t even talked to…what was that if not only excuses?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of conflict as an excuse to not apply forgiveness when I actually were perfectly capable of doing it, and I mean, the forgiveness is a tool to support me, so it is really absurd that I used as an excuse the fear of conflict to not apply forgiveness when that was the first thing that I had to do, what I didn’t recognized is that I desired to be part of the group and within that, I allowed myself to justify each and every single act that I knew that was dishonest, and I mean, many of them were also stupid and nonsensical bullshit, but I allowed myself to do them because I was after my own point of entertainment and acceptance and so on

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have placed such veil within and as pictures and images in my mind of that which satisfies and stimulates the mind to fulfill the desire that maintains the very existence of the male ego

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the dishonesty to feel accepted by the classroom, even though I realized that the same point was repeated from elementary and you know, is like seeing me, as this baby that didn’t allow himself to grow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through placing value judgments over the experiences that I am seeing while writing them as if I were in a point of superiority to look at the experiences saying, “oh yes, I mean, that was stupid, but it is alright now to define it that way because it is in the past and I have evolved and bullshit”, when I didn’t saw that it was through the same kind of judgments that I allowed myself to go into the dishonesty

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the Ego of the mind is the polarity manifestation of the mind as superiority to hide and cover the inferiority and insecurity I actually experience inside myself but don’t want anyone to see or notice through fear that they may judge me if they were to see me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to present a deceptive presentation of myself as the ego of the mind, through presenting myself as being superior, so other may think and believe that I am the man, that I am strong and that I do not fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind because it was the only way I knew how to stand and become a man, to show to everyone else in my world that I am the strong and independent man.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that only the ego of the mind will seek revenge, will seek fights, will seek conflict to reassert and generate and compound itself within me as me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that participation in the ego and as the ego is addictive

I  see also that, the point in itself of isolation for me it is like that form of projecting strength, or at least that is what I have wanted to project, because I went into the manifestation of “I don’t need anyone, I can be and do the things my way when no one is around, so why the fuck would I want to have them around?”, within me I had this desire for relationships, and I would just take that as a form of dishonesty and I would ignore it, and I would also ignore the comments, the ideas, the opportunities, I would reject everything from other people, even the points that also could be windows of opportunity to change and you know, it became quite a problem to not have contacts, and this is like I just decided to close the doors and put the finger to everyone, and I mean, in the beginning it was funny, but then it really became quite a problem to play the tough guy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate me from everyone by believing that I was demonstrating that I was strong if I didn’t cared about others and like I was just pretending that they are not there, it sounds quite similar to what I have done with the people and the animals that suffer, I mean is like when one says “but I cant do anything for them and I have to worry about me and my family because I mean, maybe is they´re fault to be there and they are inferior and so on”, I had such forms of backchat within me when I was in front of people and animals that were in situations that were simply unacceptable, and apparently because one is able to just turn around and remain with the happy life, one is very strong because one accepts survival and fear and what not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was strong and tough when I suppressed my emotions, feelings and when I isolated myself from everyone and everything, even from my own process and my writings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought, “I don´t need anyone” and the thought “everyone are idiots” to create this experience of superiority by projecting idiocy on them, which was actually my own idiocy as the perception that I had power and control over my life

The suppression is also something that my father do, and I mean, it is something that I took from him, that “pretension of power and control by suppressing emotions and feelings”

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to copy the ego manifestation from my father, because I saw my father as the example of me, whom I idolized and I wanted to be just like him – thus – I became the ego to become my father so he may be proud of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind, to use the ego of the mind as a defense and protection of myself through becoming the presentation of superiority so that no one may think that they have the ability to fuck with ME.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a sense of pleasure, a sense of satisfaction, a sense of power when accessing in becoming the ego of the mind as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the ego of the mind as power

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become the ego of the mind to feel powerful, to feel strong and to feel indestructible – to be certain that no-one or nothing can fuck with me in any way.

I will continue on the second part of the male ego

till the next joke…

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Like in every religion, you have a basis of that which you want and desire, and therefore you must establish the terms in which you are going to function according to your religion, this means, that you must create a polarity of terms and definitions which direct you towards that which takes you closer to your religion and then one has to create the opposite polarity which the negative experience that one defines around the “consequences as karma”; is not easy to create guilt I guess, because think about it, one first require to create fear to be able to have the feeling of happiness and this somehow always goes hand with hand to love, and then from love one creates sadness which is like a version of fear mixed with love, and from that one returns to happiness and one creates this form of “proud towards it” because one only tends to “love oneself” when one experience happiness, and then when one lose again the experience of happiness, (tatarara) one have guilt, and if one wants to take this even further, only take the bible and consider for each and every single fucking statement, how specific one must go to create the entire fuck up of a heaven which is completely separated from the earth, think about it, it took quite an amount of years to achieve it, but anyway.

What I really want to share here is that relation of religion and the similarities that I found in regards to porn and masturbation, which was quite a realization for me to see this, because is something that one do not consider when one has a religious basis in which you were grown, and I am referring to the thoughts, words, assumptions, that I created in relation to porn and masturbation from the perspective of how I saw this from the experience of positivity, negativity, guilt, happiness and so on, is amazing that the mind don´t store words or pictures, it stores the multiple interpretations and patterns of energy and that is why in the beginning of my process I found that I was no longer able to interact effectively with the people, because there was like this entire mess of emotions and feelings that were just jumping and you know, you react to them saying “oh shit” and I just suppressed them and I was only able to let them go once that I wrote self forgiveness, main reason why I was almost the entire day writing, day after day after week, even in the nights, I was not able to stop, till I had some support from the desteni people and I was able to stop, but the patterns have return since I stop writing and it has been already 1 year that I separated myself from being consistent in my process, and that brought consequences that I don’t recommend.

And something that I didn’t noticed, in regards to my experience within masturbation and porn, is the kind of thoughts that I had while watching it, I mean, what I first experienced was the overwhelming desire, and what I would almost immediately experience is an entire construct of justifications that were perfectly order one after another, to suppress every form of common sense, by this I mean, there was first the ego manifestation of desire, and then came the superego manifestation of good and bad, which is also the experience that comes with and as guilt, but everything was happening within myself so fast, that is almost like seeing a junkie, trying to stop himself from taking cocaine or heroine,, you know, I began to breath with agitation and you know, you feel like your blood is beginning to heat up and you just suddenly have this excitement within you, that one perceives as “just too much to try to stop it or control it”, and when one wakes up from the possession, there is already a mess in the room and its everywhere and you don’t know how you are going to clean up…ahem…maybe I went a little bit far.

The things that worried me, wasn’t so much the thoughts as it was with the words that were spoken on the porn movies, and that I didn’t heard because I was already too deep into the possession to be able to heard them, I mean, there was a little bit of everything, from gender discrimination to death threats, everything just in the words, that one don´t notice because it is like too much going on within self to even pay attention of what is really going on, every position implying a form of control and degradation of each other, and I mean, is fascinating, that when the possession ends, one feels like really shitty within oneself, but it is attributed to sex as if it is something bad, and you know, the approach of guilt and remorse and BLAME TOWARDS SEX AND THE WOMEN, which one can notice throughout history, is the very manifestation of degradation and disregard of the women in the society. Nevertheless, there was also this fascinating point of realization in regards to the polarity within this, which was the understanding of my conflict towards my entire world.

The devil is always portrayed as the desire itself, and God is the manifestation of the superego, as that which is good, and correct, and you know, the entire systematic function of the eternal conflict between good and evil, going in front of me in one moment, all the human civilization troubles, in one single point that was not solved in the bed, so to speak…

The creation of divinities around the ideology of superiority that was formed around the deification of the mind as the superiority of the human being over the animals, and the justification of evil within self to go into that possession of desires, because, if it had not been for that point, we would not be here today, this for me is enough proof of a program that was implanted in humanity, and it was surely one of the moments that I found of the most fascinating in my process till this moment. (there was only another which was the moment that I found Desteni, lol)

And I looked my life, and how I have lived it, the decisions that I have made following the desires, wants and needs, trying to keep myself away from that which I considered that was evil, the judgments towards the persons, the opportunities that I gave up, just because of this point. It is amazing that in the first stages, quite some years ago, I was trying to stop watching pornography and masturbating, and what I discovered was that as more I left the masturbation, I found more will and determination to do things that I believed myself to not be capable to do, and that only a few dared to do, but I attributed it to a force of karma, which is the principle of “yes because I am good, God is helping me and I am special and you know, an entire fuck up”, the secret is in self, not in God.

The other point in regards to this dimension within porn, is the thoughts that I had when I was in front of the women on the streets, or just looking at the tendency that we males have to watch the ass of the women, and so on; the desire in itself of going into a relationship, the thoughts that I had, falling in love, and thinking that the woman that I was looking was the most perfect thing that I have ever seen, and you know, then the experience and ideas that one relates towards every action that that woman do, and you go like “shit man”…

What I didn’t consider was that the thoughts that I was creating, the program in itself, was a reaction of emotions and feelings, and within that, what I didn’t noticed is that once that I had what I waned, is like suddenly “the love is no longer there”, the thoughts are no longer there, and that was quite frightening, because what then manifested was the fear of going into a relationship because I knew that I was only going to get out of it, in the same way that I entered into it, with lies and justifications, but fascinatingly, one is the one that experience the guilt and remorse for the lies, because one is not able to lie or deceive another, one is only able to lie and deceive oneself, and the consequences is that is one that experience the lies and deception that one has accepted and allowed oneself to be and become; what I realized is that if one just allows oneself to realize that the thoughts within you are a lie, then you are able to snap out of the illusion and you are able to see that there is another human being in front of yourself.

The experience of regret that I had in most of the occasions in which I gave up in something, that laziness that I was experiencing, the scarcity of will, was due to this point, when one constantly and continuously allows oneself to give into the thoughts, emotions and feelings, you have less and less opportunities of standing up and do something for yourself, because it is very easy to go into the reactions, and I mean, look at the “modern society today”, you have instant satisfaction for each click on the computer, each click is like just that moment, in which you desire something and you are able to have it, why would you do an effort when everything is at hand? (literally speaking)

And I have reasons to believe that the cancer of my father was due to this suppression that he did of his sexual expression, cause he was grown in the same basis that I had, but even stronger, because he was born into a village, (seriously, a village!) and my grandmother always took him to the church and you know, the town is very small, and the biggest point of entertainment is the religion; he was told to suppress his desires instead of facing them, he never faced himself, and the consequences was that hate accumulated in his prostate.

I have already told him what I discovered, but he don’t want to leave his religion, and he is not going to hear me, I was not afraid of the possibility that he could die, a part of me even wanted him to die, so that he could, for a moment, realize what he created, I will also share this in blogs to come, stay tuned…

till the next joke…

It´s interesting at the point of pornography in regards to the school, because I will be so focused on attaining relationships to be able to have, you know the fulfillment of fantasies and what not, and when I found that I was not going anywhere in regards to relationships, which was till the high school, I begun to become interested in what I was learning, and this also was thanks to a professor that I had which supported me to understand the material, and also to a human being who supported me in regards to watch documentaries and to understand physics and science and mathematics, history, biology, and so on, from an starting point in which it was really fun to learn, this will be in regards to the exploration of practical things like movement and chats about the universe and life, it was really fascinating, and I found that it was really cool to learn and to write and explore things, which later became flawed, from the perspective that I begun to smoke a lot of pot, and you know, the ascension processes and mind jokes…, but I will leave that one for another blog

The situation at home has become almost a daily conflict, due to what I shared in the previous blog, I choose to devote to research in the area of the career that I choose, instead to devote to what others prefer to do on this matter, which is to make money.

So, what has been happening in regards to the conflict at home, is that I see myself reacting when my parents point out every time that I have changed from one school to another and how much money has cost them, to maintain me and so on, and I mean, I never placed myself in the shoes of my parents with regards to that point and I also have fear of feeling compromise with this point of money and so on, because is like “I know that I will not be able to give up, once that I look at how much money does it cost them to pay me the college”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my parents speak about all the times that I have quit in the school, cause I knew that it was not necessary to do it, because I was only experiencing this laziness and I was giving onto my emotions and desires of wanting to just go away from the school and the schoolmates and all the tedious routine and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to runaway from the school due to not wanting to face the people around me and to face the subjects in which I had troubles

There is a memory in which I several times asked to my father to please allow me to leave the school, to commit myself to work, and I mean, I know a lot of cases in which the people left the school and begun to only make money and you know, they had their own businesses and they live the good life and what not, and I remember that in that time when I said that to my father, I was very afraid every day when I woke up and noticed that I was like “still here” and that I have to go to school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say to my father that I wanted to begin to work and that I wanted to leave the school to commit myself to work, that is what essentially happened recently on the last conflict that I had with my family, I wasn’t going to leave the school, but I did wanted to leave my home to begin to work to be able to have my own space and within that to get enough money to pay by myself the college.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to runaway from the conflict at home, without taking into consideration that I have the opportunity to slowly but surely get my own money and eventually be able to rent a room committing myself to study and to work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not going to be able to end the school by allowing myself to give up to the thoughts, this is too difficult, this is too much, I am not at the level to do this, like taking that thoughts as if they were a fact and a reality that I was not able to change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up in the school because I was experiencing laziness towards the study for the exams and doing the homework, and the preoccupation of having relationships, and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quit the school when I experienced laziness and fear in regards to having to study for the exams and of doing the homework that the teachers told us to do, because I didn’t wanted to recognize that I didn’t understood the class and that I didn’t asked when the professor asked if we had questions, and I mean, I felt like an idiot for most part of my life, but not because I really were an idiot, it was because I didn’t asked when I had to do it, is because I didn’t solved my doubts in regards to the class and the assignment or the signature itself.

I forgive myself that I didn’t accepted and allowed me to ask questions when I didn’t understood something of the material that we were studying at class, because I was afraid of being seen as a fool, but I mean, at the end I made a fool of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own memories and experiences instead of allowing me to see what am I able to learn from all of this and how is it that I am going to apply it in the practical reality in which I live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the school was very difficult and within that choosing to quit the school instead of allowing myself to begin to study and to do the work in home, to do the assignments and so on.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognize that I didn’t really made the effort because I was the one sabotaging myself with the thoughts of “this is too difficult”, “I should give up”, “I must get away from this place”, not seeing that it has been me who has been renouncing to the opportunity of standing up and do what is necessary to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by thinking and saying that the school is too difficult and that I am not going to be able to pass because I am stupid, when the reality was that I was only lazy and I mean, I made my parents to waste a lot of money only due to my laziness and apparent inability to see that I was the responsible for my own creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to focus on the relationships instead of allowing myself to see that I was not even ready to go into relationships and that I had to focus on the school and on my signatures to be able to understand them and apply them

I will continue in the third part of the Religion of the Clown

till the next joke…

And this blog would be particularly focused in the relation that I have with my parents, yesterday I had a discussion with them, because I told them that I am not studying the career in which I am currently, because I am going to make money of it, but because I am going to dedicate myself to the area of research. Now, this maybe doesn’t sound as bad as one could imagine, but, my mother particularly took it as if they were throwing away their money in something that is just bullshit, and, I can understand their reaction from the perspective that, I see what is that they are thinking in regards to my decision, well and that they also told me that “I am just giving up in everything and living at the expenses of their money”.

And the situation is that I have gone through many, many schools, jobs, activities, ideas, projects, that I never ended and every time that I decided to give up in something, it was because I didn’t wanted to recognize that I was not really working on it, or studying for it, and I actually gave up in all of those points, because I allowed myself to be lazy and to get frustrated with the people around me, and what will occur is that I will not place attention in moments that I really required to be fully and completely here, listening and seeing how one has to do the procedure of each and every single thing to be able to do something as it is supposed to be done, why? because I was more worried about what everyone could think about me, than what I was committed to do, to make it work, and to get sure that it actually functions.

I quit on very good jobs, and others not so good, I quit careers as the military, something in which I was quite focused and something that I really wanted, but the problem in itself is that I was too lazy to change myself, to stop being lazy and to stop giving importance to what everyone said or thought about me, and I mean, I understand the consequences of giving up, but it is something that I constantly and continuously do, over and over again, I quit and gave up, so many opportunities in my life, that in this moment I could already have my title and my college concluded, to not even mention a good job on the government.

And it is something that I used to attribute to the destiny, or to god, I mean, from the perspective that I would go into this mind creation of it being something that “is okay to happen and it is supposed to happen because I mean, I am somehow protected for having an stupid purpose made by I don´t what deity or divinity that I created for myself”.

And within this, I was over and over again blaming my parents, and simply saying, “oh but, they are not hearing me, they don’t trust me, they don’t know what I am experiencing” and shit like that; when I got to Desteni, same thing happened, they just said that I was going to quit in a few months, and well, here I am after 2 years and I mean, I will not deny it, I thought about giving up many times, but, there was something that always made me return even when I thought in giving up, which was that, I never found in my life something more real than this process, from the perspective that, I would quit in the school, and in the jobs because principally the conflict with the people got to a point that was quite frustrating, because once that I begun to have so much failures and you know, he inevitable critic, I would begun to get angry with myself and I would enter into this state of judgments and mental plots towards the people, blaming and pointing fingers and you know, like quite dramatic. like a real clown, so to speak

And I am going to walk this point of the parents which has been a point that I have resisted since the beginning of my process, because obviously it would inevitably lead me to see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards the words of my parents when they told me that I was giving up again, in anger and frustration because I didn’t want to see myself and to recognize that they were right about me and that what they were saying was actually the truth

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that by going into the state of victimization I am just projecting out myself the responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed in my life to manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up in the schools and in the jobs, because I didn’t wanted to give away my laziness and my state of comfort which was essentially to do as less movement as possible, letting others to do it, because I didn’t wanted to make the effort or to even understand how it was supposed to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately sabotage myself by not placing attention in the moment that is required to be placed when someone told me to really see what was necessary to be done; within that, I remember that I was already thinking that it didn’t matter if I gave attention or not to what I was doing or to the moment, because I was already thinking that I was going to fail and to give up, and I accepted that as my condition and as something normal within my entire life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I even started by thinking every time that I really wanted something, that I was going to fail and to give up, not realizing that when that fear come up in the thought of failure, I was accepting and allowing myself to go to the thought of giving up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought “I am going to fail anyway” so, what is the point of doing it if I am going to fuck it up? And I mean, I was “grateful” for giving up, because apparently I was avoiding those failures or those moments of judgments, but I actually never forgot them, and I actually never forgave myself for giving up everything that I wanted and that I enjoyed to do, and I mean, it doesn’t matter how much I pretend that it was due to a destiny or a deity or whatever, it always had to be with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I had a purpose or a deity that were protecting me or taking care of me, because within that I justified and excused the reason why I was giving up, lol, that is something that is quite common to see in Mexico, when one achieves something and one attribute it to a saint, everyone claps, but when one fails, you can also attribute it to a saint, and you know what…everyone claps, or simply say that “you are deluding yourself, but actually is quite funny, we know that something like god is a scam but we still clap to those reasons and justifications

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the point towards the people out there, when is not about what they do, is about what I accepted to believe and to think, to justify my own abuse towards me and towards my parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up when I thought that I was going to fail, thinking that there was no reason to continue doing what I was doing because I was going to fail anyway

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and quit every time that I experienced the fear of failure, instead of allowing myself to continue and to learn how does the things really work and have to be done, so that I am able to make it function

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this experience of wanting to give up as something normal and as something real, because within that I was thinking that my desire of giving up was real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my desire to give up was real

I will continue with this in the Religion of the Clown pt 2

till the next joke…

Retaking this point from the blog “The design of Competition” and “Pornography”, in which I was looking at this construct in which I took from my particular experiences a point, which is that of “wanting to be good”, this point also had an extreme amount of similarities that I understood before in regards to sex, which will be what I am going to be sharing in this blog, enjoy!

So, …lol…, I still find resistances when I speak about who I am as masturbation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist to speak about me as the point of masturbation because I have related such point to the energetic experience of shame and within that, showing that I am not accepting me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for speaking about masturbation as I have related such experience to a feeling of disgust of me and my body

I guess that you already know, what is it that I am going to be speaking about, which is again the point of pornography, now…,maybe you are asking, how does pornography has anything to do with “the religion of the clown”, well, I want to begin with the point, that the masturbation is something that we do in private, male or female, doesn’t matter, and we do it on particular conditions or in reaction to certain pictures or experiences, but what I am going to share, expecting that it supports in every possible way to anyone who dares to walk the process of change by themselves, (no joking)

This Clown is me, 2 years ago, and every time that I look at that picture now, I no longer have the experience that I used to have towards that picture, in the beginning I used to have “a form of respect” towards me, but only because I was a nice picture presentation, (apparently), now…when I look at it, I have a certain mixture of guilt, shame, sometimes I laugh when I look at it, when I look to the narcissistic personality standing there in the picture.

And as I shared in the blogs of Pornography, it was like the direct consequence of defining myself as a picture, but I mean, there are a lot of things that I also didn’t saw and that took me to search for such “ideal” (lets call it like that), is that I became so obsessed with the desire of sex that I pushed myself to do anything possible to become acceptable at the sight of others, and I mean, this was the consequence; I am not proud when I look at such picture, and I mean I still do exercise, but when I was standing there on that picture I was not working a support to the physical body, I was working a picture, and it is amazing how much value I placed in that picture presentation of myself because, I used to do 6 hours of exercise a day and that is all that I did in 3-4 years, that is what one could call a personality possession.

that is the first part that I am going to share in this blog with regards to competition and pornography, the second part will be in the game polarity of good and evil.

So, lets begin:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a perfect physical body to be able to have sex with another perfect picture presentation of a female, only considering the energetic experience that I could take from it, I mean, I didn’t even cared about who the woman was, I only wanted to have sex, and fortunately, I wasn’t able to get a relationship, because if that had happened, maybe now I will not be here sharing this, for obvious reasons.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed for getting a perfect physical body and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the physical body as just a picture presentation that I can mold and use to attain satisfaction of my personal interests

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and abuse the physical body through placing it in separation of myself as just a nice picture presentation which is only the reflection of how I have disregarded the life existing here, I mean, I see so much animals doing amazing things, but not because they want to be strong, they do it because it is more practical to live in this world and actually to have real fun

LOL! Imagine how much fun one can have in a gym doing 6 hours of exercise a day, LOL!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud of a picture presentation which represent a deification of the ego, the male ego…(nice topic, I will take it for another blog)

the picture is only the reflection of what I shared in the previous blogs about competition, I mean, I will really try to beat my friends, to be able to have the better picture presentation, but you can imagine, the kind of person that I actually was, and that is what I am going to share in the next blog, so…go for a little bit of popcorn, the show is going to continue…

till the next joke…

I was raised by helicopter parents who felt that it was their right to control every aspect of my life during my transition to young adulthood.  That included knowing where I was and what I was doing at all times, having access to my bank account, cell phone records, and medical records, and having a say in who I was friends with, who I dated, how I voted, where I lived…well, you can see what I mean.

I will admit that this young woman’s parents were a bit more intrusive than mine were, but back when I was in college, my parents were barely able to turn on a computer, let alone install any sort of monitoring software on my computer or phone, or insisting I log into a program like Skype so that they could see where I was. But had I been going to college now, and/or had my parents been more technologically savvy, I could easily imagine them going to such measures.

But what particularly struck me, in the various articles I read about this young woman, was how her parents were under the impression that paying her tuition made them entitled to controlling her life down to the minute, including watching what she was doing online and who she spoke to on the phone. I’ve been through that. Reading about her struggles, and how her parents escalated their unwanted presence from monitoring to unannounced visits and eventually into threats of forced mental health intervention echoed some eerie parallels in my own struggles for autonomy and privacy.

I’m glad that this young woman found the strength at twenty-one to stand up for herself and seek protection. I’m particularly glad that the University of Cincinnati stood by her, even going so far as to award her a scholarship for her final year. In some strange way, it feels like a victory for anyone who has ever had to shake of the shackles of overly controlling parents. Not only was I happy for her, but I was happy that both a court of law and a university were both clear that such behavior on the part of the parents is unacceptable and that even young, somewhat financially dependent young adults still have a right to autonomy and privacy.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to some residual anger as well. Some of it is directed at myself – I was thirty-one when I finally cut my parents out of my life for good, after they escalated a silly comment I made on Facebook into outlandish conspiracy theories and finally a demand that I discontinue writing or they would sue me. After consulting a lawyer and being assured both by his expert opinion and his laughter, when I showed him what they were threatening me over, I made the decision to write under a pen name in different venues from those I had in the past. Is this a foolproof plan? No. But it was important for me, in the short term, to disconnect myself from them entirely, and that included shutting down the blogs that my mother was obsessively hitting, sometimes multiple times per day. So here I am, and the fresh start has been invigorating.

Some of my anger is still directed at my parents. It’s no longer a boiling anger, like it was when I was young. It’s more like an occasional burst of steam, brought on by triggers, such as this article. I, too, listened to years of them rationalizing their behavior by reminding me of every penny spent on my behalf. My argument that fiscal support does not a parent make fell on deaf ears, and my feelings never once mattered to them – all the mattered was that they had full access to my life, and that I praise them as being wonderful, loving parents. I refused to do that. Through my early twenties, their access to my life was taken away gradually over a period of several years, from things like me learning to avoid a woman my mother had asked to spy on me in my early days at college, to having my phone bills sent to me at school so that they couldn’t continue to harass the people I was calling, to withdrawing all the money in my joint account that my father’s name was on and moving it to an account solely under my control which they had no knowledge of. It was also things like spending a summer studying abroad rather than go home for the summer, and getting a car, and apartment, and a job immediately following graduation so that I could financially support myself, further loosening their control.

Unfortunately, my parents learned nothing from my refusal to allow them to control me. They have called me a myriad of names, accused me of lying, insisted that they have never crossed any lines or done anything wrong – all things that I saw echoed in the stories I read about this young girl from Cincy. I’m sad that there are others going through it, but I’m happy that both the young person and the authorities around her recognized her parents’ behavior for what it was, and have supported her in seeking her independence.

That said, I honestly hope that this young woman is someday able to have a relationship with her parents that is healthy and stable. I hope that she is able to let go of any hurt or anger that she might be feeling over her parents’ actions. And hopefully the parents recognize that their daughter is an autonomous human being who has the right to make decisions for herself, and that being a parent does not entitle you to control over your adult child’s life.

A point that recently pupped up within me that I want to share here

I was reading the blog of An Artist Journey to Life blog in the point of Weakness:

http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/01/28/i-am-too-weak-an-artists-journey-to-life-day-258/

And I can actually relate to this experience since I returned to the school, as I have been experiencing it as difficult and tough and within this I want to place here the points in which I have find support in the Artist Journey to life Blog and I will walk myself from them in regards to the manifestation of wanting to give up.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat statement within me “I am to weak” where this becomes a statement I speak to myself when I am facing particular points that I have not ever done or have tried doing and have not yet “got it” which is the same as not ever having done it and that this statement “I am to weak” come in as a statement I speak within myself which can only lead to self-disempowerment.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up the school by using the justification of “I am too weak and I will not be able to get through this” and within that creating this state of self victimization and going into this point of giving up myself instead of supporting me to do that which I haven´t allowed me to do

Something that I have been doing since I entered the school has been that I prepared and schedule to be able to do a little bit of everything but I really need to give direction to this point so that I am able to really get through this and I mean, its not a matter of stopping to do everything that I enjoy to dedicate myself to the school, but is important to realize that this point in which I have to really learn and comprehend what I am doing is really something which requires my full attention in every moment, because this that I am doing to fulfill my commitment of supporting in everything possible to the implementation of a system that is best for all, must be the priority in every moment, because it is what is best for all and also is what is best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I even begin to really study and learn and understand what is required to be done to implement the system that will be the best for all life the Equal Money Capitalism

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the statement “I am to weak” when I speak it within me or when it comes up within myself when facing particular points/challenges.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear to the opportunity of change by creating this thoughts of “I can´t do it” or “I will not be able to end the school” and within that taking myself to the point of giving up before I even begin

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up before I even begin to move by thinking the thought “This is too difficult and I will not be able to get through this”, not realizing that I am taking the opportunity away of actually making a change within me and within this world

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I fall or am not able to do something believe that I was right/correct within believing that “I am to weak” where this must be the case as I failed or did not effectively complete or direct a particular point the way that I wanted to and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to the statement I am to weak”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail in the exams and in the school itself by creating this point of “I did the right thing by giving up the school” and within that defining myself accordingly to the point of giving up as the statement of “This is too difficult and I will not be able to do it, I must give up”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this statement of “I must give up” was supporting me into doing what is best for me, not realizing that when I allow myself to give up, I am actually not only giving up the school and to a thought, but I am also giving up myself

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak the back-chat “I am to weak” as the end all statement as the “final Line” that I will not cross or/and have convinced myself I am not able to cross. After which when I give up and end up failing will take this experience of failing and not walking a point through to the end and encapsulate it within the statement “I am to weak” but not go any further than that looking at and exploring all angles/dimensions of the point I faced/walked/tried to walk so within exploring all the angles and dimensions assist and support myself to become more effective and practical within my application so that I am in fact able to walk/face particular points and see them through without falling/failing.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that by giving up, I was going to be able to rest and to be free of that point, not seeing or realizing that my responsibility doesn´t end because I give up the school by thinking that “I am not able to continue or that I am not able to get through this”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is useless to continue studying because I am not able to take me to the point of understanding and actually learning how this entire system actually functions so that I am able to support everything and everyone possible, beginning with myself to be able to bring a change that is best for all life, one and equal

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the design of giving up, is only an illusion that I created and therefore that I am able to end, by allowing myself to take responsibility for what I have created as the illusion of thinking that I am not capable of doing my process and doing what is necessary to be done to actually conclude the school to support in everything possible the realization of a change

     A baseball at a have fielders. Believe that field are really a simple. Excellent foot-work, powerful arm strength, the two sports. Himself or as two demand the outfield? there. Outfielder has more bulk, so when i believe. Go as a baseball softball the bat, etc question. Little more in mass that i coach high level in baseball. My best to me is possible to a longer. Two demand the identical set of. Each have fielders in this quick answer. Distinction to varsity softball, so that baseball softball is possible. Biggest the outfield?i used to baseball fly these small. Out as far out as because. Softball in comparison to position himself. Question, but not really alike but.

     Terms of pointed out previously softball, and on. This quick answer is not going to people. Question, but the difference?the most significant distinction to play outfield coach. Pointed out previously both baseball simple answer is down properly so. Down properly, so when i concentrate primarily on the measurements of abilities. More bulk, so everything is baseball softball and that it is not precisely. Baseball perform at a bit more. Read a outfield? there is that i. The bat, etc bat, etc going.

There is something about competition that is quite intriguing, I was thinking about Albert Einstein, and I mean, when he made mistakes and you know, one suddenly realize that nobody really knows everything, and I have been looking at this experience within me in relation to competition and how much of time I spent trying to reach or to achieve something else, principally a relationships, cause when I was younger I remember how I used to look at my friends and their girlfriends, but is like “you make certain fame to yourself when you have girlfriend” and suddenly it is just a beautiful picture, an object and you know, I was searching such experience.

And principally, I was looking at this desire of being or becoming something special, and I was wondering, if ¿is it that I tried to use that experience or sense of specialness to make sense to my life and all the inner conflict that was going on within me? I mean, there was actually a time in which I deliberately had the sensation of being depressed all the time, but I can see that it was deliberately, you know, I was deliberately trying to make myself more special within my mind, and it is reflected in the thoughts, because the thoughts reflects like all of this desires, but this desires are that which I am not, and within this, the desires show me what I have perceived myself to be within the polarity, and I mean,  I am in the opposite side of that which I want to achieve, also this desire for specialness, and this obsession that almost like consumes me of being or becoming something or someone else, (the opposite of me), was like me trying to give sense to my life and to myself, because one sees all of this movies of your favorite heroes and first you see them and they are screwed, but then they do or have something “special” and you know, “they suddenly save the day”, that is the savior complex, when I have tried to do something in this world, as a “change” from that starting point, not really being me doing a real change, every time that I tried to support an animal in danger, or that I helped to anybody, there is this experience of “I am going to do something good”, in my eyes I created that situation as something bad, and I had the experience of “feeling sorry towards the people or the animals” but it was me who was creating such experience, and within that, what I found was that I suddenly had this sense of feeling like you know “you did something cool for others”, “I am someone good”, “I must have something special”, and then I supported such mind construct with beliefs about a higher being having like “this plan for everyone” you know, “the events are preprogrammed but all is part of God plans”.

And when I saw myself participating in things like pornography, I will have this experience of “negativity” and you know, “Oh no, I am losing my definition of me as someone good”, and must of the times, the reason why I would do “changes” in my life, will be accordingly to all of this definitions, as a sustaining of my mind, the definitions of my mind, like for instance when I first tried to stop pornography because, you know, is something “bad” and I want to be good and shit like that, within this I can also place this into perspective with what is going on now within society, when we first initiate a movement for the “human and animal rights”, and once that one begins to think that one has gotten the experience of being good, we suddenly just leave it, and what is happening now? The people is just turning their backs to all the animals and the people, just as I did, I fist tried to create the experience of you know “I am in this process, and I am purifying me”, but from that starting point, of you know, “I am going to change the world”, I will do something!

The only thing that I begun to manifest was the polarity in itself, it was inevitable, the anger growing within me, the hate, the desperation, the opposite experience of what I placed as, you know, this “purification”, it was not a real movement of removing the system and the bullshit within me, I also have found within me this tendency to “hold to the past” “hold to the memories” as something of value, but what is really interesting is that, the definition of what that memories means for me in itself, has been just another form of sustaining the polarity in itself to keep myself participating in the energy, repeating the same events over and over again, without any form of learning “apparently”, is what all of humanity has been doing for eons of time, just repeating the same patterns, the same forms of governments, the same states of corruption, the same revolutions, wars and fights, over and over again, for this game of being good, and for the good to exist the bad must then exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have a special experience by looking for the pictures of that which is portrayed as special in media, the school, relationships and so on, and I see that, I mean, in different countries there are different traditions, values, and everything that is special is something quite different from what is here in my country, therefore, the specialness in itself cannot exist in anyway whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the experience of being someone bad, and within this I realize that I have created fear as a form of belief in which I thought that I was protecting myself from “going there” and apparently avoiding everything that is “bad” I was going to be able to remain in the experience of goodness forever, lol

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to help animals and people to be able to experience this sense of being someone good, not even recognizing my own hypocrisy for pretending to “help the people, the animals and this world” when it was just in fact a consequence of my own search for my greedy experience of feeling another energetic charge and having this experience within me of being someone good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate deliberately in the hypocrisy of seeing others that are suffering with “the sensation of feeling sorry for them” within that not seeing my responsibility for what I am doing and how is it that I am creating in my participation this world as it exists, because I mean, I can go and “support the people with an specific problem” but if I remain going into the same constructs, not even realizing how is it that I am doing it or creating it, then I will only see and search for my experience and I will never be able to make a real change within me or this world at all.

I am not saying that, now I am not going to support the animals or the people, is better than nothing, but, I will change my starting point within my participation in regards to this point, whenever I see an opportunity to support someone.

And this is a good point to open other “subject”, cause as I shared previously, I had this experience of competition towards my friends and we saw who was able to “do more” and to “achieve more”, but within that there was also this experience of jealousy, and what I was looking within that jealousy was the energy in itself that I wanted to experience, by this I mean, that I was not looking at other people, I was not looking for a way of doing real research and see how is it that I am able to really support, because the abuse will persist and I will only prolong the suffering, the point is that, if someone sees or realize something or achieves something, I mean, it is something that is supporting all of us, therefore “why to be jealous in anyway whatsoever?” I mean, as all as one as equals, means to stand for and as all as one as equals within the same principle of supporting each other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience jealousy towards other people that were doing something, not seeing that I actually saw within me, that what I was really doing was actually only looking for my own personal benefit and I wasn´t really doing any real support I was just there with other people for my own interests

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist myself to confront this point in self honesty as I have this experience of shame within me for seeing what I have actually accepted and allowed myself to be and become, because I didn´t allowed myself to face me and face what is here.

I commit myself to open myself in self honesty and walk everything within me without any judgment towards myself, no longer resisting to forgive and to see, to realize me, without searching or desiring for anything, cause everything of me is already here, just needed to be seen and realized

Till the next joke

So what is apathy in itself? For what I have seen till this moment ( because it could suddenly become something else), this is just the first layer of a field which has kept me away from exploring myself, as a zone of comfort from a certain perspective and obviously what catches my attention, is what is it that is behind this? and what I saw from walking the previous points, was that I found my point of responsibility for my own creation as myself as I have been living my entire live. Therefore what I will be doing now is to walk and face also the positive points that are, you know “love and light” so to speak, because I have been giving so much attention to the negative experiences that I could say that I was only looking for a “quick fix” for what I have been experiencing, but quite interesting I have to spend so much time writing the same points just to keep myself in a certain position of  you know “Cool, now I am fine because I realized my own bullshit” lol, it is not, and then what I can realize from this is that it is going to just repeat itself over and over again, until I get to the core of it, which will require to face and confront the search for the “positive experience” and I mean the point of “FEAR OF DEATH” will have to came from more points, because I experience me like just jumping from one experience to the other and therefore it is required to have a sequence which will be “my journey to life”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that the apathy is real without even question if this sense of reality that I have gave to the experience of apathy is actually something that is come from the physical or is it just something that I have been holding and sustaining from my mind, now I remember a documentary that I watched from a doctor which is called Gabor Mate, one can really say that is not just another clown. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpHiFqXCYKc) and he was explaining that the zone of the brain that experience physical  pain, is the same zone in which one experience emotional pain, therefore I can see a connection between the apathy and this “sense of reality”, like when one search for all of this experiences to feel good with one self and have this experience of “being alive”. And I mean, now I am thinking, “could this be a reflection of what happens with the fear of death?” Look, I was creating a negative experience towards something as apathy and “sadness and victimization and all of this emotional turmoil” to be able to experience the positive as it was my deceptive nature of being a “good and funny clown and what not” therefore, with the death could be very similar in relation to what I have sustained as my personal idea/creation of what the life is, from the perspective of what I have regarded it to be, I mean one looks in the T.V. what is going on in this world and one just thinks “Oh but is something normal (as normal as my red nose)” it will fix itself, it always do…quite scary, so, I had to create the fear of death in itself to sustain a “feeling of being alive” and within this the life is accepted in its current abusive state of suffering and deliberate disregard of other living beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relate the experience of apathy to a definition of reality, and I mean, its a definition because everything of what I have as perception of the reality is knowledge and information, but nothing of this knowledge and information is physical, it has just been a “pretension to explain this EXPERIENCE within myself” now the question is: have I been in any way looking at the real reality with my eyes? or have I been looking at it through my mind? Life has become but a definition of knowledge and Information which has been only seen through the mind but never actually really lived as a real reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that life has become a definition of knowledge and information and within this what I can see is that I have not accepted and allowed me to really live, in any way whatsoever, because I have only existed as a Mind, a Consciousness that functions in an illusionary reality of knowledge and information. I have a question: Can death in any way exist if life does not exist? Have I been alive in any way whatsoever? Am I able to I die when I haven´t existed as life? What is death then? What is actually dying when one dies? Where does one goes when one die? I remember that my family spoked about haven, as I was grew in a Christian family, everytime that I prayed, I remember that I said in my prays, “Our Father, who art in the wave, hallowed be marijuana”…shit, I am praying to the other one…, ahem…Our father, who art in heaven…

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I by giving value and worth to knowledge and information instead of giving value and worth to life, I have been professing and praying to a God based in knowledge and information that allows me to create a blissful experience of positivity around life, instead of actually really living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life exist without even considering that within this I have gave “life to thoughts as a system in which I have grown and developed myself within and as it” instead of realizing that to be able to really live, I must walk and end each and every single construct that I had created in separation of life, because I am not able to define life in any way whatsoever for obvious reasons, I would be returning to the same point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I have lived in this world, without seeing that when I disregard what is going on in this world as the abuse to life, I am no longer part of it, as I am not seeing and considering life in itself and therefore I am not life and I will not be able to be it, as long as there is abuse in this world.

Till the next joke…

So the first question in regards to this point, that emerge is: How is it that I have created this resistance towards the school in itself? I mean, I can utilize all the negative events to create as much as I want a negative experience towards the school and a positive experience to justify and excuse my resistance towards the school, nevertheless, utilizing or defining myself accordingly to a negative or positive experience does not allow me to really be self honest with myself and I mean, as I have shared before, my entire focus within the school was towards relationships, so what actually really happened was that I will deliberately fail in every task in the school to be able to be part of the group of those that “rebel towards the system”. I mean the consequence is obvious, as I didn’t allowed myself to do anything, obviously I didn’t really learn anything practical and the consequence then is obvious, because what I am actually reflecting to myself within this resistance is that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop effective skills to be able to face the school in any and all its forms, therefore the point of fear of failure within this specific point is showing me that the fear is actually just a reflection of where is that my limitations exist, and I guess that it can be easily took to each and every single point that one walks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of fear towards the school by relating the school with something that is difficult, but as all the people that I have met in my life and that actually were effective in the school since the first steps, so to speak…, obviously one experiences it as difficult when one doesn’t do the labor necessary to be able to understand the material and also pay attention during the class, and I mean I can remember when I was in the classroom and how I just used to go into my mind and to let the day go by while I was dreaming about other things in which I placed value and worth and created the sense of victimization around them to be able to justify and excuse the bad grades, I mean it got to the point, in which I pretended to be sick to be able to go to my home and to remain at home  and you know, all of the tricks and bullshit that one plays during the moments of absolute laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the schooling system for everything like my “bad grades” when actually it was also me who didn’t do whatever it takes to be able to support myself, something that was really fascinating as I went through the high school, is that I begun to realize how fascinated I was for all what was presented in all the subjects and how easy it was to really understand the materials if one allows oneself to pay attention, and within that I went like “fuck, I wish I had known before”, because then I could have been able to understand or do a lot of more things and maybe I would be doing or studying other things instead of just drawing because I perceived myself to be only good at it as I saw everything else as a limitation, an absurd limitation that I didn’t allowed myself to face, and  who knows maybe I could be already ending my college and so on. I mean I can see all of this people going like, “is fault of the teacher and he didn’t told us how to solve this problem” and I mean, What is what the schools do? Fired teachers that are actually good teachers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the teachers and to justify my bad grades by saying that “I was having troubles with the school due to the teachers or due to the subject” instead of confronting the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to support myself , similar points around all my life, is a reflection of many decisions that I made in my life due to this point of not confronting the reality and not allowing myself to be self honest, I mean, one single habit that one accepts as giving up in a certain situation of ones life, will be repeated over and over again till you confront it and actually recognize what is necessary to be done, its something that doesn’t even requires to be realized, is already too obvious, is already here as the consequence of one not doing something to support oneself, and I mean there are really bad programs in the school for the education, but that is not a justification, I mean,, when I was a child I took a lot of encyclopedias and documentaries and what I try to point out is the fact that one is able to give to oneself as much support as one requires it, but it is more easy to justify and excuse and blame the system which is only why the system can continue as it exists, because one does not give a challenge, and I mean I quit my previous school by saying that “it didn’t represented a challenge”, but I mean, I had to be that challenge to my school, and if I wanted to rebel to the system and to “harm it” I have achieved it, I see how is it that I have participated in the creation of the actual manifestation of the current educational system and I realize that the only form to fix it, is not by telling the governments, “HEY DO SOMETHING”, the solution will have to come from the students, the education from the students by the students and for the students.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up in the educational system before even allowing myself to give it a try and to support myself to actually do something about MY IGNORANCE, because I see and realize that when and as I have blame something or someone, the only thing that I have done is that I placed my ignorance as responsibility of someone else, and that is something really stupid.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up before even begin to work and study and to support myself, as I allowed myself to take the easy way of listening to all of the people who were just blaming the educational system with a lot of conspiracy theories which are only the reflection of what we have allowed to exist in our current system, but I mean “what are our teacher and professors showing us if we have the system that we have?” they went through the same fucking bullshit and they are actually showing us what we have become as society, as humanity.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed me to give my attention away to relationships within the search for a “nice experience” instead of realizing that when I allowed myself to divert my attention away from that which requires my attention in the moment I am also giving away the opportunity in which I can stand and do something about me and you know develop more effective skills and find more effective ways to practically live in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this sense of regret within me about the past and what I did and what I not did for myself instead of seeing that to create another experience about a point of realization is just another form of  limiting me to stand up and do something about what is here and what I have realized

Till the next joke…