I’m strapped for time this week (combination of work plus family commitments), so I asked my friends on Facebook, the crazy group of people responsible for Commentfest, to come up with present suggestions that we want to give WWE and other wrestling performers during this holiday season. I’ve come up with ten of my own. The first ten are mine. After the line break, the comments are coming from the Facebook friends.

My 10 Christmas presents are going to…

Shawn Michaels – One more WWE or World title run because nobody deserves it more than you.

Mickie James – Anything you want, seriously. I hope you don’t leave the business as rumored because you are definitely a favorite of mine, but if you did I’d support you. Considering the lame storyline you’re involved in now I don’t think anybody would blame you for leaving. Additionally, I think you’re really hot. Don’t change who you are. Also, bonus points for not being pissed at me for calling you Mickie James-Canton. Can I suck up more? Yes, I can!

Chris Jericho – Another year in the world title picture. The tag run was fun, but you’re the best and you need to be recognized for that.

Triple H – A heel turn, please.

Michael Cole – Some direction from Vince McMahon & company that doesn’t make you sound like a complete douchebag. And if not, a legit KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~! punch from Big Show would do.

John Cena – Less written promos from the writers and more promos where you speak to the crowd in a manner that actually sounds like you. You’re a lot better than those writers make you sound.

The Raw Writing Team – The ability to book midcard matches that last longer than three minutes. Watch Smackdown to get an idea of how to do it.

Bret Hart – A successful and prosperous return to the company that you once loved so much. You deserve to go out on your terms in your own way. I hope it happens for you.

Jim Ross – Good health. Your voice is missed dearly. Please come back soon.

Guest Hosts – Take the time to at least try to learn the names of the performers. It’s not that hard, really.

Those are mine.

—————

These are coming from the friends on Facebook. I will add comments in brackets.

They’re giving Christmas presents…

To John Cena, a Hollywood leg drop to add in into your boring spots.

To Michael Cole – Some VINTAGE wine.

To Shelton Benjamin – A idiots guide to MIC SKILLS by The Rock.

To Vince – Heyman’s guide to a better product.

To HHH – a fresh set of dummy’s to throw out of his pram when he don’t get his own way with daddy-in-law…

To The Undertaker – roller skates. (Quite the visual!)

To John Canton: Mickie James Forever and ever. (Winner so far!)

To chavo, evan bourne, mvp and swagger – a contract for TNA….they may get used a lot better?

To AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Daniels, Kurt Angle and the Motor City Machine Guns a WWE Contract.

To Sheamus – Some gum to get that Triple H taste out of your mouth.

To Sheamus-A bottle of Vitamin D capsules.

To Hornswoggle – Well in his future endeavors. (Ha. Clever.)

To vinnie mac, the writers and announcers that they really, really need…A FUCKING CLUE!

To myself…..a 3 hour DVD of nothing but Shelton Benjamin matches

To John Canton – A legion of sycophantic Facebook followers. What? I can’t believe you already have that!!! (Troglodytes or Sychophants. Either one is acceptable.)

To the Raw writing team: The ability to admit they steal from Commentfest.

To Ted Jr and Randy Orton: Those Helmets that DX had with the wipers on them, so they can safely talk to Cody.

To John Cena: A long vacation so that when you come back, maybe fans will care about you.

To CM Punk – cigarettes and jack daniels.

To hornswoggle – a leprechaun-english dictionary

To Edge…..a SPEEDY recovery!

To Shelton Benjamin, Rey Mysterio and John Morrison – the Chris Jericho guide to being great on the mic and not just in the ring.

To the heel Divas: Different personalities for each of you. Except Maryse, you’re ok.

To Jay Lethal: A time machine to go back to Nash’s X-Division tournament and say no to the Macho Man gimmick.

To Kofi Kingston…..he already dropped the accent now how about dropping the Aldo Montoya colored outfits. Not LITERALLY mind you. You….you know what I mean.

To Shelton Benjamin – A personality and/or his mom back.

To Evan Bourne: stilts

To Michael Cole: a vintage chair to the head.

To the shockmaster – a time machine to redo his debut….

To John Morrison – A Wrestlemania Match against HBK.

To Jeff Hardy – A boxset of The Wire so he can figure out how to hide his stash properly.

To Chavo – Induction into the Hall of Fame for being related to Eddie and putting up with the worst booking ever.

To the Hart Dynasty – Chris Jericho as the leader of their Canadian Stable. (Yes please!)

To Stone Cold – The ability to have one more great match.

The Rock – The inclination to have it with him.

To Bret Hart: that 20-year contract Vince promised back in 1996.

To Hulk Hogan, an addiction hotline. That being to the spotlight!

To Mickie James – throw Layla & Michelle McCool into a hog pen.

To Vince – read a joke book for kids, they are funnier than his.

To Ken Anderson – Randy Orton’s head on a plate.

To Hogan – my respect because no one else seems to give him it, not realizing that if it wasnt for him, we very well may not be posting about mainstream wrestling at this moment.

To Vickie G – every cosmetic surgery procedure imaginable.

To Chris Jericho – A one-year title reign ending at WM 27 in an epic match

To the WWE in general – a TV14 rating again :’(

To Bill Goldberg: A CD recording of Kyle Brofloski’s “A Lonely Jew on Christmas.” (Maybe the best Christmas song ever.)

To Stephanie McMahon – A divorce lawyer!

To the RAW writing team – John C. (Hmmm.)

To Jericho- A classroom, so he can teach some of these younger guys how to be the best!

To All WWE Announcers: WWE Record Books, so they don’t keep telling us people are wrestling for the first time ever, when they’ve actually wrestled loads of times before!!

To Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam – A brand new Bong.

To Big Dick Johnson – a lifetime supply of NutriSystem.

To Drew McIntyre, some personality.

To Eric Escobar, erm, who was I talking about…., aaahh who cares??

To Cody Rhodes and Jack Swagger a thesaurus with out any words that have the letter S in it.

To TNA – Glade, to get rid of that old man smell in the locker room.

To that hot Goth chick in TNA – a WWE contract so she can grace my television. (Daffney?)

To Jericho – Connecting with a Lionsault and a new feud. (Ha, he almost never hits that move, eh?)

To Raw writing team – links to Commentfest or ppl’s create a story on the new videogame

To John C. – MJC (Everybody that posted something like that makes it in. I’m biased.)

To the Divas – The smart and powerful parts that you’re supposed to have.

To Abraham Washington: Tony Atlas membership to the future endeavors club.

To Ric Flair: A time machine and a lawyer who drafts a good pre-nup

To Primo- An actual match where he doesn’t get attacked on the way to the ring

To Dolph Ziggler – Kenny, Johnny, Mikey, and Mitch.

To Hulk Hogan – A weekend off, some tanning lotion, and Brooke in a bikini… Oh, wait, he’s had that too.

To Luke Gallows – the drugs back.

To Zack Ryder – the other half of his tights.

To Charlie Hass – bring back the gimmick gimmick. I miss The Great Charlie.

To Chris Jericho – Creative Control over Raw.

To all WWE Writers – A complete anthology of the History of WWE for continuity purposes.

To Primo – An on air “apology” from Carlito so we can have the Colons back. Or a trade to Smackdown so he can tag with his old partner Escobar.

To Chris Jericho: A world without Wrestlemania X8.

Vince McMahon: A spot on the Springfield Retirement Castle.

To Jeff Hardy – clean piss. (I know a guy who knows a guy that can have that arranged. Just call this number and he’ll take care of it.)

To Bret Hart – an “It’s a Wonderful Life” style run-through of the couple of years after he left the WWE and a second chance to reconsider.

To MJC – Velvet Sky’s ring attire….and entrance. (I probably wouldn’t be able to type if that happened, for the record.)

To Tony Atlas – “The Hangover” and every other comedy DVD so to make sure that he never quits laughing.

To Jeff Hardy – a ‘get out of jail free’ card, think he may need it!

To John Canton: Mickie James-Canton on more than just Twitter. (I think we have a new winner!)

To John Morrison: who wins the Royal Rumble and shows he can make that next step up but gets the torch from the man whom he is the “next” version of.

To Randy Orton: a psychiatrist for all those damn voices.

To Shane McMahon: his rightful spot in the WWE front offices.

To The Commentfest: better shows and less stupid humor so we can really come into our own.

To Hulk Hogan & Eric Bischoff: The Rise and Fall of WCW DVD, so maybe they’ll remember that what they about to do, they’ve done already – run a fine wrestling organization into the ground.

To Michael Cole – VINTAGE clothes, VINTAGE comic books, VINTAGE cd’s, VINTAGE, VINTAGE, VINTAGE. Sorry vintage overload.

To Tyson Kidd – A Mirror. He always seems to miss a spot when cutting his hair.

To Cody Rhodes & Jack Swagger – Speech Therapy Classes With The Ultimate Warrior.

To Hulk Hogan – Cyanide.

To the tag team division – the greatest tag team champs of all time…THE SPIRIT SQUAD!!!

To: Vince and his whole writing staff – A TV 14 rating.

To Hornswoggle: a voice. And maybe some self-respect. I mean, a leprechaun? Really??

To Orton / Legacy: The ability to stay out of each other’s personal space. Either that or a piece of mistletoe so they can just “get it over with” and not feel so funny about it.

To Sheamus – a coupon for any tanning bed for 5 yrs and some rest for his lips away from HHH azz.

To Jack Swagger – A trade to Smackdown where he can actually have a career…. See More

To the WWE universe: Divas that not only look good, but know how to wrestle.

To HHH – a coupon, buy two quad reparing surgeries, get one free!

To Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler MVP and all other underused talent: We wish you “the best in all future endeavors.” (It might happen for some of them early in 2010, so I hear.)

To WWE – A decision by Lita and Trish Stratus to return so that they can fire more Divas and get some talent in a two belt division.

And that’s that. Happy Holidays.

If you want to add some of your own below, feel free to reply and go for it.

See ya tomorrow for an abbreviated version of the Raw Deal.

I had to admit defeat this Sunday and skip the run as my cold steadfastly refused to go away and the weather was very unpromising. Still, I showed up for the circle mainly to check that I was still on for 10th January and to make arrangements to collect flours, signs etc. In fact the run had been a huge hit – womething out of the usual with hasheres split into teams and put through an assault course of sorts – very near the villa by Ciudad de Cine.  A campfire was made for the circle and thenm we went to the Venta Los Morenos for a decent meal!

Braving both the cold weather and the bad cold I had picked up I decided to join the Malaga HHH tapas crawl and Christmas lights ooing and aaaing in  downtown Malaga. I set off early intending to  do a spot of Christmas shopping in Corte Ingles. This excursion was less than successful though I managed to a couple of Penelope Cruz DVDs I have been coveting. We met in the Antigua Casa de Guardia and had a beer and some seafood then moved to a second venue where we had fabulous ham and cheese and decent wine.  The weather could not have been more inclement. It was chucking it down. I decided to call it a day and tried to retrace my steps to the car park – it took a while in the maze of narrrow streets and when I got there it was all locked up! There was another couple facing same dilemma. We rang the bell repeatedly and I was starting to make contingtency plans when luckily the door opened! I was glad to get home circa midnight and crashed out.

Jiust as well I checked the time as the rtun was thirty minutes earlier than had been announced on the Malaga hash. I had no money and no fuel so it was a bit of a rush but I got to the start near Monda on time. I had thought we might have a largert turnout as it was a bright day. Still we were treated to a good run, with a steep climb after the beer stop followed by a long descent. Muff was also on this run and we again paired up as front runners earning a down down. It cooled down quickly in the hills so I declined the On On and was home by 1900hrs and tucking into a nice steak by 2100hrs and ion bed by 22oohrs. What a great hashing weekend all told!

Fortiunately the fog of the previous day had largely lifted. I slept most of the flight and we landed soime fifteen en minutes late in Malaga but Glyn was there to whisk me home. After unpacking I shopped at La Trocha and grabbed a Burger King. I then set off for the Malaga hash which was on the east side of  Malaga and was being laid by a virgin hare – Julian. It was a well attended hash and we had a visitor – Muff – from the East Grinstead hash. She and I were front runners. It was an A>B run which ended on the beach where we held the circle. There was suffiucient transport to get us back to A after which we made for El Tintero where we enjoyed a fishy meal. I then headed home arriving about 2200hrs after a long couple of days!

The weather turned nasty on Friday with fog and a serious tempeature drop. After a busy half day at the office I dropped my stuff off at home and made my way to The Standard for 1400hrs. The pacvk soon gathered in festive mood and the beer and wine started to flow. The food was okay but not great but the banter was up to the usual high standard. Mindful of my eraly morning flight the next day I asked Irene to call me at 1800hrs and give me a hard time! I missed her text and made it home 90 minutes overdue after a pit stop at the St Vincent bar. I hit the hay before 2200hrs.

The John Report Presents: The 2009 WWE Johnny Awards

These are the awards where we honor, and dishonor, the hard working employees of World Wrestling Entertainment based on their work over the last twelve months. Having watched everything from December (2008) to November, I come to you today to present the very “prestigious” awards that I call the 2009 WWE Johnny Awards!

These awards are not just “Best Wrestler” or “Worst Wrestler.” They have names to them. Good names too, not garbage like Oscar or Emmy or Tony or whatever else is out there. Some of the names of awards have changed over the years (the last time I did these was 2005), but the premise is the same. I also added some new awards in there too. Since I haven’t done one of these things in four years I doubt many of you are going to notice what they are. Before I begin, it’s worth pointing out that this is World Wrestling Entertainment stuff ONLY. It says it in the title, but I want you to remember that when you ask why there’s no TNA or ROH in here. It’s WWE only. That’s what I watch regularly. That’s what I know. And that’s what will be discussed.

The gist of the awards is pretty simple. You see the category, I explain what the category is about, I do my write-up and I give you my winner along with the runners up. As you’ll also see, some categories will be serious ones while others will be lighthearted or honoring the worst in the year. In the case of 16 of the 20 awards, I have also put polls up on my blog. The major categories got over 1500 votes while some of the others got close to 1000, so it’s a good sample size for sure. (If this was WWE I’d multiply 16 x 1000 to say that over 16,000 votes were cast. That’s true in a sense, but it doesn’t count repeat voters. Sorry, I was having Cyber Sunday flashbacks.) I will share those results for the awards under the heading of “The People’s Vote” (it will be underlined) under where it says runners-up. I asked people to pick a top three for each just as I’m picking a top three, so it would be fair that way. Obviously the highest somebody could get on a poll was 33%. If you want to see the polls that were posted and the results for each they are available to be viewed in this nice archive right here. Thanks to Facebook friend Nathan Maxfield for the lovely banner you see above. He’s got the greatest pin ever on there and the dueling Undertaker/Michaels hat challenge up there. Looks good, Nathan!

Note: Everything that happened between December 1, 2008 and November 30, 2009 is eligible in these awards.

THE 20 MAJOR AWARDS

1. THE SHAWN MICHAELS/RIC FLAIR AWARD
To be given to the person that best combines workrate, character, mic work and everything else into one. Also known as best wrestler. This is similar to WWE’s Superstar of the Year award.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Runners-Up: CM Punk, Jeff Hardy, Christian and Randy Orton
The People’s Vote: 1) Jericho, 2) Punk, 3) Morrison, 4) Michaels, 5) Christian

Jericho won the People’s Vote in dominating fashion while Punk easily got second. Morrison edged Michaels for third by just three votes while Christian nudged out Orton. At the Slammys, I expect somebody John Cena to win this award. If not him then it will be Orton. If you’re wondering, Orton finished 6th in the people’s vote while Cena finished 13th. Triple H finished 14th.

Last year if I did the column it would have been easy to pencil Jericho in. He stood out from the pack. Michaels was probably second. This year wasn’t as easy largely because Jericho, despite being the best all around performer in the company, was out of the World Title picture. The fact is he was on both Raw & Smackdown because he’s willing to put people over on TV and PPV while also having great matches on a regular basis. His feud with Rey Mysterio over the IC title was fantastic and he made people actually care about the tag division again. He’s not the wrestler of the year because he dominated the main event scene. He’s the wrestler of the year because he’s awesome in the ring, he’s arguably the best talker in the company (more on that later), his acting is above average for a wrestling show and he’s funny when he needs to do. Like Homer Simpson once asked about donuts, is there anything Chris Jericho can’t do? In terms of being a wrestler, that answer is no.

My second and third picks are CM Punk and Jeff Hardy. They are intertwined in a lot of ways because of the excellent feud they had in the summer. I was very impressed with Punk’s turn from a babyface that didn’t have much direction to his excellent run as the top heel on Smackdown when they needed somebody in that spot. He’s a consistent in ring performer and is one of the better talkers in the company because he’s very believable in terms of what he says. That’s the key to being a great heel. You have to convince people you feel the way you’re speaking and with him, while it’s obviously more dramatic for effect, you can tell he’s really into what he’s saying.

I thought Jeff Hardy had an awesome year in terms of in-ring matches (with Edge, his brother Matt and especially Punk) and he also gave some of the best promos of his life just as he was walking out the door after Summerslam. I was surprised that he only finished 7th in the People’s Vote. It’s not like he missed that much time. Only 1/3 of the voting period. His performances were the best of his career because his head was on straight, he was working his ass off and he was really pouring his heart into all of his matches. There was not a better babyface in WWE this year. I definitely miss him when I watch WWE right now. There’s a huge void on the babyface side without him.

Rounding out my top five (most categories will only have two runners up) are Christian and Orton. I think you can make a case that Christian was the most consistent performer in the entire company other than Jericho. He had very good matches with a variety of different opponents while carrying ECW for the year. Orton’s heel work was excellent, especially at the start of the year, but the HHH feud was a huge disappointment that lasted way too long and the Cena feud was just okay. He really needed to branch out and work with more people, which he is doing now with Kofi Kingston.

The only reason Shawn Michaels didn’t make my top five was inactivity. Plus, I really didn’t like his JBL feud. I’m actually surprised that John Morrison finished third in the voting. He’s been consistent on Smackdown and I’m a fan, but I didn’t think of him as highly as I did Christian. He’s probably in 6th or 7th with HBK.

2. THE TRISH STRATUS AWARD
To be given to the best female performer.
Winner: Mickie James
Runners-Up: Michelle McCool, Maryse
The People’s Vote: 1) Mickie James, 2) Maryse, 3) Beth Phoenix, 4) Natalya, 5) Michelle McCool

In the People’s Vote, Mickie ran away with it fairly easily. Good to see Natalya in the top four. Of all the women in the company, she’s the one that I’d like to see receive a serious push in 2010. I think Michelle’s work really improved all year. I enjoy her heel character way more than the “Loving Life” babyface stuff she did.

Nobody really stood out this year because all the babyface divas are happy go lucky girls that smile all the time without any substance to their character. All the heel divas think they are the hottest woman on the planet and they act like a bitch. It doesn’t help that the writing for them is similar to some high school drama type show. As a result, nobody separates herself from the pack. They have the same matches for months because half the women don’t know how to wrestle and as a result you’ve got a division that’s thin. On Raw the main feud was Maryse vs. Mickie while Smackdown had Michelle vs. Melina. Once they exhausted that, they switched Mickie and Melina to do the feuds with the other pair. As a result you have a pretty tight race. After much deliberation (maybe two seconds) I went with my favorite, Mickie James. She’s over with the crowd, she has good matches when she has capable people to work with (her last days on Raw weren’t great partly because they put her in the ring with inexperienced people plus Gail Kim got knocked out during a match) and she’s an above average actress for a wrestling show. Plus, I find her to be absolutely gorgeous and somebody of high moral character that is as kind as she is beautiful. Can I suck up more? Yes, I can.

Want some proof? While writing these awards out I decided to send some messages on twitter to Chris Jericho and Mickie James. I did it to let Jericho know he was the wrestler of the year in these awards and to let Mickie know she is the female performer of the year. I didn’t get a reply back from Jericho. It’s okay. The guy’s got 70,000 people following him and he’s obviously a busy guy. In Mickie’s case I wasn’t expecting much. Her previous reply to me was to say (after I suggested a team name for her and Maria) that Maria’s hair was red. I argued that no Greek woman has red hair naturally, which is true, but didn’t get a reply back. I got owned, basically, but I persevered.

I mentioned to her that she won I also asked if she wanted to tweet a thank you speech, which means 140 characters or less. Here it was from @mickiejamesdiva to me @johnreport:

“Yes! Thank you. Without you all my job would be unfulfilled! Without reason. I am grateful for all your love and loyal support!”

Thank you, Mickie James-Canton. Or maybe I should be John Canton-James? She’ll decide. I’m whipped already. (Of course I’m speaking tongue in cheek here.)

3. THE GIANT GONZALEZ AWARD
To be given to the worst wrestler or worst superstar in WWE vernacular.
Winner: The Great Khali
Runners-Up: Rosa Mendes, Vladimir Kozlov
The People’s Vote: 1) Khali, 2) Hornswoggle, 3) Henry, 4) Kozlov, 5) Rosa

In the People’s Vote, Khali and Horny were way ahead of the pack. That’s not a surprise because I think a lot of wrestling fans in 2009 are really tired of novelty gimmicks. Vince loves them, of course.

This is named after Giant Gonzalez because if you saw him wrestle…well…you know why it’s named after him. There could have been a lot of other people to name the award after, so congrats to El Gigante (his WCW name) for having this award named after him. In the People’s Vote, John Cena finished 7th in the voting while HHH came in 11th. I don’t really agree with either of those things, but I think it’s because people like to hate those two.

Khali’s the winner here pretty easily although I’m happy they didn’t put him in the world title hunt this year. It’s hard for him to move around, which means matches are going to be bad. Once you get past the whole “my god, that’s guy’s huge” thing there’s not much more to talk about with this guy. Rosa Mendes is my number two because she’s brutal in the ring, yet WWE put her on live matches on Raw. What were they thinking? She looked as lost as anybody I’ve ever seen in 20 plus years of being a fan. The timing was always off, the offense looked bad and despite the fact that she’s gorgeous it was hard even for me to look past that. Kozlov gets the third spot because I don’t think he had a decent match all year. I’m actually glad he was kept on ECW and out of any title pictures, though. See, I give WWE credit for moving Rosa and Kozlov to ECW while keeping Khali out of the title hunt. They know what their weakness are.

4. THE STONE COLD/HITMAN AWARD
To be given to the best match.
Winner: The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels @ WrestleMania 25 (****)
Runners-Up: John Morrison vs. Rey Mysterio @ Smackdown Sept. 5th (****1/2), CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy (TLC) @ Summerslam (****1/2) and Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho @ The Bash (****1/2)
The People’s Vote: 1) Undertaker/Michaels @ WM25, 2) Morrison/Mysterio @ SD, 3) Punk/Hardy @ SSlam, 4) Mysterio/Jericho @ The Bash, 5) Punk/Hardy @ Night of Champions

Love this category. I’m a purist at heart. I fell in love with the wrestling business because I’m a fan of sport and athletic contests. Obviously wrestling’s not a sport due to the fact that its outcomes are pre-determined, but the ring allows it to be treated as a sport. It’s what keeps me watching because when matches are this good – like these ones were – then professional wrestling is at its best. I should point out that for every poll I asked people to pick a top three. The Undertaker/Michaels match finished with 33% of the People’s Vote meaning they appeared in the top three of nearly everybody that voted. That’s dominating to me.

There’s no question that Undertaker/Michaels was the match of the year. If you saw it, you know why. They followed the Austin/Rock formula for the WrestleMania match by having each guy kick out of the big spots. I never thought Michaels was going to win at any point, but those nearfalls were as believable as any Undertaker Mania match I’ve ever seen. Even when Taker went for covers and didn’t get them his facial expressions were great. The leap to the floor by Taker was memorable because he nearly broke his neck. It was simply one of those matches that kept you on the edge of your seat especially once they got to those final five minutes. It was spot, pin, kickout, take a breath and do it all over again. This was the easiest winner of a Johnny Award this year and it’ll win the Slammy too.

I have Morrison/Mysterio at two because it’s purely an athletic contest that reminded me of why I’m still a fan. It’s a shame that WWE barely promoted it. They barely mentioned it after it happened. God forbid they try to put over an IC title match. Me? I loved it. Seen it a few times now. Here was my immediate take. From my September 5th Smackdown column regarding this match: “These guys laid it all out there. They put on the kind of match that a long time fan like me can appreciate, but also the kind of match that newer fans can love too. It was an athletic, entertaining contest without any hokey storylines to bog it down. Just two guys doing what they do at a very high level. Why do I keep watching wrestling? For matches like John Morrison versus Rey Mysterio on this very show.” ‘Nuff said.

I like the Punk/Hardy and Jericho/Mysterio matches equally. They were both culminations of great feuds that ended with a distinct result as to who won the feud (Punk won his, Mysterio won his). The Punk/Hardy match was very physical due to being in the TLC setting while the Jericho/Mysterio match was a mat classic that featured a lot of great counter wrestling. They’re both examples of how you can have great matches with gimmicks like TLC or with nothing but two guys doing their thing in the ring.

5. THE DIESEL/MABEL AWARD
To be given to the worst match. What else?
Winner: Divas battle royal @ WrestleMania 25
Runners-Up: Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (all of them), Chavo & Vickie vs. Santina – Hogpen Match @ Extreme Rules
The People’s Vote: 1) Chavo/Horny @ Raw, 2) Divas Battle Royal @ WM25, 3) Chavo & Vickie/Santina @ ERules, 4) Kane/Khali @ SSlam, 5) HHH/Orton @ WM25

It was a decisive win by Chavowoggle in the People’s Vote. The divas battle royal beat the Hogpen match by just two votes for the coveted second place prize. Interesting to note that WM25’s main event finished in 5th. That’s not a good thing for the main event of the granddaddy of them all.

The Divas battle royal wins. It was atrocious. Not only was it pretty disrespectful to the hard working women in the company that are forced to wrestle even if some of them shouldn’t be, but it was also a waste to bring in divas from the past like Sunny or Torrie when they barely did anything. They even asked Trish and Lita to come in for this, but both of them wisely passed (and ripped it in interviews later). Add that to the list of reasons to love Trish Stratus. The fact that “Santina” won the match isn’t even the worst part. The fact that it was considered a good idea in the first place is the worst part.

I put all of them for Chavowoggle because I thought they were all bad. I guess if I had to pick the worst it would be when Chavo had to wrestle him in the cow outfit, which was even worse than when he had his arm tied behind back, which was even worse than when he had those giant boxing gloves on. You get the point, right? What’s funny is on WWE.com’s year end countdown the cow match was considered a great moment. It’s either funny or sad, I don’t know which. The Hogpen match was brutal. I loved how they tried to sell it by saying it hadn’t been done in 13 years. It’s because Hogpen matches suck! And this one lived up to the hype in terms of sucking. Poor Chavo and Santino. They both deserved better. Too bad they were both booked to do such crap.

6. THE EDGE & CHRISTIAN AWARD
To be given to the two men that function best as a unit. Also known as best tag team.
Winner: Chris Jericho & Big Show aka Jerishow
Runners-Up: Legacy, DX

There was no People’s Vote for this because the outcome was too obvious. There really aren’t enough teams in WWE, which we all know. Jerishow dominated the tag titles all year, so the yare clearly the winner. They had feuds with MVP & Mark Henry as well as Cryme Tyme before moving on to fry bigger fish in DX. I liked Legacy’s feud with DX except that by the end of the three months they weren’t elevated and they’re probably in a worse position now then they were before the feud at Summerslam. At least they made PPVs in the summer. They didn’t have a feud to end the year.

My hope is there’s a renewed focus to push the tag division with The Hart Dynasty at the forefront because they’ve got the best potential to really save tag team wrestling in WWE. Hopefully I’m writing their name in for this award next year.

7. THE BIG SHOW “KTFO” AWARD
To be given to the person that deserves to be KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT~!
Winner: Michael Cole
Runners-Up: Hornswoggle, The Raw writing team
The People’s Vote: 1) The Raw writing team, 2) Michael Cole, 3) Hornswoggle, 4) Vince McMahon, 5) John Cena

The People’s Vote saw a win (or is it really a loss?) for Raw’s writing team. I think a lot of people were frustrated with the guest host concept even more than I was. The main problem was paying more attention to the guest hosts than to the actual wrestlers. Cole edged out Hornswoggle in a close race while Dr. Ken picked up sixth place, which is pretty impressive considering he appeared only once on Raw. You guys must have really hated that guy, huh?

I am not being sarcastic when I say this: Michael Cole is not a bad pro wrestling announcer. However, he’s a bad sports entertainment announcer on WWE Raw in 2009. Why? Because they have him overreact to too many things like bad skits, anything involving Hornswoggle and just generally being a douche nozzle (credit Adam Carolla). To his credit, on the 10th anniversary of Smackdown he was “drunk” while making fun of how much he uses the word “vintage.” It’s funny how he used the word all the time before, but ever since Commentfest started in my Raw Deal columns and we made fun of him for it he never says it anymore. To his credit, during Smackdown’s 10th anniversary celebration they had Cole “drunk” and he was busting out “vintage” all night as a parody of himself. I respect him for being able to laugh at his own stuff. And people wonder if WWE reads this column? Hi Vince! Love you, big guy.

Rounding out my top three are Hornswoggle and the Raw writing team. I have no reason to think that the young man playing Hornswoggle is a bad kid. I’ve seen his Twitter messages and he’s a funny guy. It’s just that he’s booked terribly. I know he’s there to appeal to the 10 year old kids. That’s fine. I have nephews around that age. They like him, but they don’t love him. There’s too much of him. The Raw writing team gets third because far too often they’ll put over the guest host more than the upcoming PPV or the wrestlers on the roster. They’ve gotten better about it of late, but it’s one of the most frustrating things about watching Raw because my reaction to that show every week is that it should be better. It’s not due to the talent on the show. It’s the writing.

8. THE SAVAGE/STEAMBOAT AWARD
To be given to the best feud.
Winner: CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy
Runners-Up: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio, Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker
The People’s Vote: 1) Punk vs. Jeff Hardy, 2) Jericho vs. Mysterio, 3) Orton vs. Kingston, 4) Michaels vs. Undertaker, 5) Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

It’s named after Savage/Steamboat because I already named one after Hart/Austin. The People’s Vote was a runaway win for the Punk/Hardy feud, which is totally understandable. I thought one of the more interesting write in votes was cast for “RAW Creative Team vs. RAW Viewers.” I don’t think there was a winner in that feud, was there?

This one’s tricky because everybody has a different view on what defines a feud. Is Michaels/Undertaker, the best match, a feud when they only have one match or do you need to have a series of matches that carries on for months? I think you need a series, but I also thought enough of Michaels/Undertaker to give it the third spot for this award. They had some really great matches to go along with above average promos from each guy, especially Jeff Hardy. That was his best promo work ever and I think it was because he clicked so well with Punk. Too bad he went home to do drugs, isn’t it? I think Jericho/Mysterio was a lot of fun with Jericho going after his mask, elevating the IC title and reminding us of how good those two are in the ring. It reminded me of their WCW feud from the 90s. Nothing else really stood out because Orton/HHH went on way too long, Cena/Orton was just okay and we haven’t seen enough of Orton/Kingston yet for me to really consider it.

9. THE KATIE VICK AWARD
To be given to the worst feud. RIP Katie.
Winner: Triple H vs. Randy Orton
Runners-Up: Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle, Kane vs. Khali
The People’s Vote: 1) Chavo/Horny, 2) HHH/Orton, 3) Santina/Vickie, 4) Kane/Khali, 5) Guest Hosts/Chavo

Was there a worse feud than Kane vs. HHH over Katie Vick? Maybe, but I think Katie needs to be remembered for the crap that she delivered to us. The HHH/Steiner feud is upset that it did not have an award named after it, for the record. It’s so upset that they are issuing a posedown. The People’s Vote saw a decisive victory for Chavo/Horny, which doubled the HHH/Orton feud in votes.

This was tough. Do I go with the main event feud that lasted five months to it, had no great matches and really didn’t end or do I go with the “comedy” feud that almost never made me laugh. I went with Orton/HHH in part because Triple H never put Orton over clean when he should have. I understand winning and retaining at Mania because he was the heel, but why lose in a tag match for the belt at Backlash? That undermines the belt. Do the honorable thing and drop it in singles. Then move on. Instead, it continued. I never even touched on the worst part, which was when HHH broke into Orton’s house. I loved how cameras were inside the home, then they fought in Randy’s “house” and then when Randy got thrown out the window (right in front of the camera guy shooting it ninja style) the cops were there to arrest him. Despite the breaking and entering being captured on camera, we all just forgot about it. Until now. Holy shit that was a bad segment. Somebody tell WWE that they should stop trying to be like 24. Don’t try to be like Jack Bauer, WWE. You’re not a big budget TV drama with layers of storylines to tell. Admit it to yourself in the mirror and stick to wrestling storylines. Thanks.

Do I need to get into why having a midget going over a talented wrestler week after week for four or five months is a bad feud? It was funny the first time. Maybe the second and third time. Now it’s still going on and it’s absolutely brutal to watch. Kane/Khali rounds out the top three because they did it over a couple of months, Kane was the heel and about a month after it ended he was a face again for some reason. What was the point of the feud other than to bore the hell out of me? No point? Exactly.

10. THE MORDECAI AWARD
To be given to the worst idea for a character.
Winner: Santina
Runners-Up: Chavo the midget jobber, Hunter the McMahon Family Avenger

Santina. All I can say is what the fuck? They have this great performer in Santino Marella who is one of the few people who is consistently funny in WWE and they do this ridiculous Santina gimmick where he dresses up in drag. Not only that, but they book Santina to win the “Miss WrestleMania” battle royal and then have a Hogpen match with Vickie Guerrero. Nobody thought, “hey, this is fucking stupid?” Nobody? They have something like 20 women on the roster, more then half of them have absolutely no wrestling history when they hire them, yet they force them to learn how to wrestle or else they’ll be without a job. Then, instead of rewarding the ones that work hard to put on good matches you want to put them in a match where they lose to a guy in drag because a man in his mid 60s (Vince McMahon) thinks it’s hilarious? Dear God. Even a talent like Santino couldn’t save that stinking pile of shit. I felt bad for so many people when this happened: the divas that actually know how to wrestle, Santino, the women they brought in from the past (like Torrie & Sunny) that were barely even acknowledged. I fucking hated Santina. Not funny. Not a good idea.

Remember when Chavo was pushing Vickie around in a wheelchair for much of 2008 and we wondered: “Man, who did Chavo piss off?” That was GREAT compared to this year. Poor guy had to feud with the freaking midget and never lose. And it never fucking ended. It’s December and they’re still going even after it looked like they were allies! Poor Chavo went on Twitter drunk one night talking about how if it was real he could beat up Hornswoggle. This is how bad the angle is. He has to defend himself online to marks. This was so bad I bet he misses the salesman story line in WCW or the Pepe storyline in WCW. Those were great compared to this! I’m sure he’s happy to still be making six figures in his late 30s, but man, he’s better than being the joke wrestler.

I hated HTMFA so much. His babyface character at the start of the year was not somebody I want to root for. Why should the fans feel bad for the guy that’s held more world titles in WWE than anybody else (Flair’s were mostly non WWE obviously), is married to the boss’ daughter and has been in the title picture for a decade. Why? Oh right, because his wife and father in law write the show. Brutal. At least he was smart enough to ditch his staring, no emotion, no jokes, huffing and puffing persona as HTMFA. I’ll always give HHH credit for being a smart man.

11. THE ROCK AWARD
To be given to the best person at cutting promos.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Runners-Up: CM Punk, Randy Orton
The People’s Vote: 1) Chris Jericho, 2) CM Punk, 3) Santino Marella, 4) Edge, 5) The Miz

Why did I name it after The Rock? To me, he’s the best promo man ever all due respect to Ric Flair. The Rock had the best ability to be serious or funny when the time is right. Just look at his appearance at the 10th anniversary of Smackdown as proof of that. In the People’s Vote, Jericho and Punk ran away from the pack, which isn’t a surprise. Those two get as much as promo time as anybody not named Triple H because they deserve it. Good to see Edge getting some recognition despite missing half the year. My third pick, Randy Orton, finished eighth in your vote.

Do I need to really explain why Jericho and Punk are winners here? They are given promo time week after week and they deliver the goods on a consistent basis. Jericho’s gone from a smart ass babyface to the kind of straight talking heel that never shows emotion or laughs because he did something funny. He’s a true pro. What about the big words he uses to get heat? Nobody likes big words like troglodyte. We better boo him! Punk went from not doing much in his babyface role to turning into a preacher like person with his Straight Edge promos telling us that we’re living unhealthy lifestyles. He’s really found his niche with those promos. I put Orton in third because he’s really good when the material is there for him. I love his slow delivery because it’s very Jake Roberts-like. He generates heel heat just by opening his mouth. I think he’s underrated as a talker and the fact that he finished eight in your voting proves that. My fourth pick would be Christian, who has always been an elite talker. He’s thrived as a babyface too.

I should add too that John Cena is as talented on interviews as anybody in the company. In fact, he was my runner up for this award in 2003 (to Jericho) and this is what I wrote: “Cena’s raps have been a highlight of TV every week. His raps bring the kind of energy that was sorely needed on Smackdown. He’s going to need to add some depth to his character a bit, but I think he’ll get there.” See that? A highlight. Energy. That’s what his promos were. Now? Not so much. Every so often he’s able to channel that, but the material he has to work with just doesn’t do it often enough. His promos are scripted so poorly a lot of the time that even his talent can’t save them. Far too often he does the whole “be quiet and then erupt like a volcano” like delivery that I dislike. If he ever turned heel he’d probably win this award rather easily, I think.

12. THE VINCE MCMAHON AWARD
To be given to the best guest host on Raw.
Winner: Shaquille O’Neal
Runners-Up: Bob Barker, Jesse Ventura
The People’s Vote: 1) Shaquille O’Neal, 2) Jesse Ventura, 3) Bob Barker, 4) Mark Cuban, 5) Million Dollar Man

It’s named after Vince because he’s the best authority figure in company history. In the People’s Vote, Shaq edged Jesse by just three votes as those two beat the rest of the field pretty easily. Cuban’s hosting actually happened after December 1, but I’ll bend the rules a bit for this one.

I went with Shaq first because it really felt like he belonged. He spoke well, his segments were okay and his shoving match with Big Show was a huge “did you see that?” type of moment. Barker was funny when he needed to be and he was unintentionally due to the fact that it was Bob F’N Barker on Raw. The first pricing game was a classic moment due to Bob. Ventura was terrific in hosting the Breakthrough Battle Royal edition of Raw. It was nice to see a GM do some heelish tendencies like Ventura. He really looked like he was having fun out there and I got a kick out of the McMahon/Ventura announce team reunion. The worst guest hosts? Probably ZZ Top, the NASCAR dudes and Jeremy Piven/Dr. Ken.

13. THE BROCK LESNAR AWARD
To be given to the wrestler that is most likely to be the “next big thing” in 2010.
Winner: John Morrison
Runners-Up: Drew McIntyre, Kofi Kingston

If John Morrison isn’t holding either the WWE or World Title in 2010 then something is wrong. He’s been a solid performer in WWE for five years now and he’s really shined as an entertaining, athletic babyface that excites the crowd because of what he can do in the ring. I hope he wins the Royal Rumble and gets the title shot at WrestleMania because nobody deserves it more. McIntyre has impressed me on a weekly basis. I think he’ll get a quick push up the ladder. Kingston’s gone from midcard to near main event level and he’s delivered. I know Sheamus has already won a major title (last night at TLC) before these three, but I think long term they’ll have more potential in the ring because they can really go. The future is bright for WWE’s young stars…if they are made to look good by the established main eventers. That’s always the big if.

14. THE SMACKDOWN AWARD
To be given to the best WWE or John Canton word/phrase of the year.
Winner: Summerfest by Jeremy Piven
Runners-Up: Jerishow, KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~!
The People’s Vote: 1) Jerishow, 2) Vintage, 3) KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~!, 4) Summerfest, 5) John Chayna

Why is this called the Smackdown award? Because the Rock used that word in promos and not only did WWE name a show after it, but it made it into the dictionary. I’d say that’s impressive. The People’s Vote was pretty tight for this one, not surprisingly. There were just under 1000 votes with Jerishow beating out Vintage by just 15 while Vintage only beat KTFO~! by 1. Troglodyte finished sixth, just one vote behind Santino’s name for John Cena that we know as John Chayna.

There’s something about Summerfest that always makes me laugh. Apparently people within WWE found it hilarious too because during Summerslam weekend that’s what everybody was calling it. In case you forgot, Jeremy Piven was the guest host of Raw talking about Summerslam when he called it “Summerfest” with Cena quickly correcting him. If it was a new PPV I’d understand. However, for a PPV with 20 years of history behind it I found it funny that he got it wrong. I don’t know about you, but Summerslam will be forever known as Summerfest to me. I went with Jerishow in second and KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~! in third because I was very proud that all my writing of “Jerishow” in reference to Jericho & Big Show made it onto WWE TV. I’m pretty sure somebody in Commentfest came up with it first, but I sure did beat it into the ground, didn’t I? I have no problem taking full credit. The KTFO~! punch is something I really like seeing and it usually generates a loud “ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh” from the crowd, which proves it’s pretty over.

15. THE SATURDAY NIGHT’S MAIN EVENT AWARD
To be given to the best television show.
Winner: Friday Night Smackdown

No runner up. I guess Raw’s second with ECW in third although you could make a case for ECW being in second because Raw was so up and down all year. Smackdown was by far the better show compared to Raw with more elite feuds (Punk/Hardy and Jericho/Mysterio) while Raw barely put on great matches due to the fact that they would rather cater to the guest host. Smackdown beats Raw for this award due to superior feuds and matches even though the talent level is about the same. I like ECW most weeks. The hour just flows by, but it’s really just a developmental show for the most part. You can’t really compare it on the same level as the other two. As for Superstars, it started out with a bang with some good wrestlers working on that show. It hasn’t been as impactful since its infant stages, though.

16. THE BOBBY HEENAN AWARD
To be given to the funniest performer.
Winner: Santino
Runners-Up: Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels
The People’s Vote: 1) Santino, 2) Jericho, 3) Michaels, 4) Christian, 5) Miz

Why is it named after Bobby Heenan? Because I already named one after The Rock. In the People’s Vote, Santino doubled Jericho. Not even close. And it shouldn’t be. The dude is legit funny. Tony Atlas, with his fantastic laugh, finished in sixth place.

Santino wins because his character is supposed to be a slapstick kind of physical comedian. I’m a huge fan of his promos as well as his ring work with the dreaded cobra thumb to the eye move that he does. The best thing he does is mispronounce the names. That’s what consistently gets me going. I think if WWE Films keeps making films they need to seriously consider a comedy film with Santino in a starring role because the guy is not just pro wrestler funny, he’s legit funny. Jericho’s not as blatant with his comedy now, but his one liners are fantastic when he hides behind Big Show (remember the Shaq-Show confrontation among others?) and I always go back to how great he was with Bob Barker. How he didn’t bust out laughing during that I do not know. Michaels is in third. His comedic timing is amazing and his facial expressions are the best in the company in a comedic sense. I really like The Miz’s potential in being a funny guy with his promos over the next few years. They need to find the right edge for him to be taken serious, though.

17. THE MR. PERFECT AWARD
To be given to the wrestler(s) that is most poorly used (Is underused a good word?).
Winners: The Hart Dynasty
Runners-Up: Evan Bourne, MVP
The People’s Vote: 1) Bourne, 2) Christian, 3) Hart Dynasty, 4) MVP, 5) Swagger

Why is this named after Mr. Perfect? Because I loved him as a performer and I think he’s the best wrestler ever that never got to be a World Champion in WWE. The People’s Vote was pretty close here with Bourne edging out Christian by just 3%.

It’s interesting to me that people voted Christian. I’m a huge fan of the guy and I wish he was on one of the more important shows, specifically Smackdown. However, was he used poorly? If he was on Raw or Smackdown would he have wrestled on nearly every PPV like he did this year? I don’t know if that’s true. That’s why I omitted him from my top three. I went with The Hart Dynasty because I think they have the talent and chemistry to become one of the best tag teams ever if they were given the chance. I think WWE really needs to develop a legitimate tag division again because these guys can be stars if they have people to work with. Evan Bourne’s an awesome talent that fans generally like. He needs to be more than just a jobber. A guy like MVP, along with Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler, is apparently in WWE’s doghouse to end the year for reasons unbeknownst to me. I think all three of those guys are more than capable in the ring and are good at getting fans to react to them, yet management has obviously soured on all of them. It’s a shame. I hope they can earn the faith of management in the coming year.

18. THE WRESTLEMANIA X-7 AWARD
To be given to the best pay-per-view.
Winner: Summerfest! Also known as Summerslam.
Runners-Up: WrestleMania 25, Survivor Series
The People’s Vote: 1) WM25, 2) Summerslam, 3) Royal Rumble, 4) Survivor Series, 5) Extreme Rules

In the People’s Vote, WrestleMania beat Summerslam in a close race while everything else was a fair distance after those two.

Let’s look at my top three:
1) Summerslam – It had everything I look for in a great PPV. A match of the year contender in the main event (Punk/Hardy at ****1/2), a very good opening match (Mysterio/Ziggler at ***1/2), an excellent match in the middle of the show (DX/Legacy at ***3/4) and some other decent matches like Orton/Cena and Jerishow vs. MVP/Henry. The only thing I disliked was Kane/Khali, which wasn’t even THAT bad really. Some people were pissed that Christian/Regal was so short, but they had a great match on TV soon after.

2) WrestleMania 25 – A one match show, really. The Michaels/Undertaker match carried this. I think it was smart to start off with Money in the Bank although it wasn’t as good as other years. I can’t put this in the number one spot because I disliked HHH vs. Orton so much. Still, a show I’ll remember because of that one match. And I don’t mean the Diva Battle Royal.

3) Survivor Series – Solid from top to bottom. I liked the traditional Survivor Series matches, Undertaker/Jericho/Show was okay and the main event of Cena/HHH/Michaels was a very good main event.

It was a good year for WWE PPVs. I really didn’t think there were any stinkers (as you’ll see below). I can remember a lot of things from shows like No Way Out, Backlash, Night of Champions and Extreme Rules that I liked too. I don’t think it’s really fair to complain that much about PPV quality in 2009.

19. THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH ‘04 AWARD
To be given to the worst pay-per-view.
Winner: Breaking Point
The People’s Vote: 1) Breaking Point, 2) Bragging Rights, 3) Hell in a Cell, 4) The Bash, 5) Extreme Rules

In the People’s Vote, Breaking Point beat Bragging Rights by just 8 votes. I don’t know if BP, BR and HIAC were actually the three worst, or if they just got the most votes because they’re fresher in our minds.

It wasn’t a bad year for WWE PPVs. I give the company a lot of credit for generally putting on quality matches when they have a PPV. It’s rare that they’ll do a show with 10 matches on it that’s rushed so quickly because they want to go through everything (like in 1999). This year they really figured out a good PPV formula by having 7 or 8 matches on every show, giving all the matches about eight minutes or more and letting the wrestlers actually wrestle. My winner of this award, Breaking Point, wasn’t really bad at all. It had a couple of decent matches, but I was really disappointed in the main event ending with a rehash of Survivor Series 1997. Terrible booking. I think the submission PPV concept is not something WWE should consider doing again. No runner up for me. I can’t decide. My awards. My rules!

By the way, if you’ve ever seen the 2004 Great American Bash you know why it’s got a bad award named after it. The Undertaker vs. Dudleys Concrete Crypt match where Paul Bearer got buried in a glass casing of cement ended the show. It was so bad they had to issue a press release saying he was okay because people thought he might have been really dead. This is on top of a card that had the likes of Mordecai, Kenzo Suzuki and Luther Reigns going over in preliminary matches, not to mention JBL beating Eddie Guerrero for the World Title. Not a good show.

20. THE FOLEY GOES FLYING OFF THE CELL AWARD
To be given to the most memorable moment of the year.
Winner: The Undertaker/Michaels match
Runners-Up: Shaquille O’Neal shoves the Big Show, CM Punk cashes in Money in the Bank leading to his heel turn

When I think of 2009 in WWE, I’ll think of Undertaker/Michaels first. I’ll really think about those last five minutes where each guy was kicking out of finishers and the crowd was going nuts for all of it. That’s what I’ll remember most. The moment when Shaq and Show faced off earlier on that week’s Raw was great. Then, later in the show, when they went face to face and Shaq shoved him the place erupted. It’s the kind of thing that hopefully leads to a match down the road if Shaq’s willing to give it a try. When Punk cashed in MITB it was perfect because it set up his heel turn. People were so happy that Jeff Hardy won the title again, yet he only got to celebrate for about 10 seconds before Punk ran out. It made for a great story, which led to the feud of the year.

THE MINOR AWARDS
These are other awards/random thoughts that I basically made up off the top of my head without going into full details. There are 10 of them. I could probably do 30 of them, but this is a long enough column as it is.

Biggest Off Screen News Story: Shane McMahon Leaves WWE
This is absolutely huge. Don’t be shocked if he lands in UFC in early 2010 and I’ll feel bad for people that work for Vince because he’s not going to be happy knowing his son is working for a PPV competitor. I know WWE says UFC isn’t a competitor, but that’s bullshit. They compete for PPV buys every month.

The Feud I most want to see in 2010: Chris Jericho vs. Edge
I want to see it. I think we will see it. It might get started at WrestleMania or soon after. My runner up would be Jericho vs. Christian, for the record. I’d also like to see Morrison vs. Orton.

The Best Heel or Face Turn: CM Punk
Easy call. His face character was getting stale. His turn happened at the right time because Smackdown needed heels and against the right opponent in Jeff Hardy because it really got his Straight Edge persona over. Batista is in second. He’s a much better performer as a heel. He probably would have done the turn sooner had he not been injured in the spring.

One Move I’d like to see happen in 2010: Shawn Michaels – WWE or World Champion
One last time. Make it happen.

Best Finishing Move: CM Punk’s Go To Sleep
I strongly considered Evan Bourne’s Shooting Star Press, which is a thing of beauty, until I realize he didn’t win that many matches unless he got interference from Hornswoggle to beat Chavo.

Best Announcer: Jim Ross
Matt Striker would be in second. The rest are all interchangeable. Jerry Lawler is about ten times worse than he was ten years ago when he was great. Does that make sense? Anyway, the dude has slipped. A lot.

The Feud that was supposed to elevate somebody, but never really did: DX vs. Legacy
Hunter loses the belt to Orton because of Legacy, who were basically Orton’s lackeys. He recruits Shawn Michaels to reform DX at Summerslam. They win clean. A month later at Breaking Point, Legacy wins via tapout. A few weeks after that, DX beats them in dominating fashion at the Hell in a Cell PPV. What is Legacy doing now? They’re continuing to be Orton’s lackeys. Not elevated at all.

Best Move that Deserves Props: Changing No Mercy to Hell in a Cell
They got about 50,000 more PPV buys because of the HIAC name. A lot of people ripped it. They said it was stupid. It paid off, though. I’m in favor of the themed PPVs although the submission one was a bad idea.

Most Improved: Kofi Kingston
A lot of people would pick Miz. I would have picked him last year. This year it’s Kofi because he went from just another midcard talent to a future main event level performer. You know who else really improved to me this year? Cody Rhodes. A lot more comfortable on the microphone as a heel and he held his own in there during the DX feud.

Most Disappointing Injury: Edge
This is not even close. One of my ten favorite performers ever and in my top three among WWE people right now (with Jericho and Michaels). I am very excited for his comeback in the spring of 2010. Missed this guy a lot. I can’t imagine how good the Jericho/Edge duo would have been.

JOHNNY AWARDS FINAL THOUGHTS
This was such an up and down year for me. In 2007 I watched the least amount of wrestling in my entire 20+ year life as a wrestling fan basically because I was getting tired of the same old stuff, not to mention it was hard to feel the love for the business after the Benoit situation. Last year I came back post WrestleMania slowly because of how good the Michaels/Jericho feud was. Two of my all time favorites brought me back. Early this year around the Royal Rumble I started really watching again. I liked what I saw. Orton was getting a strong push, Michaels was still delivering in the ring and Jericho was the best at everything he did. I stuck it out and I feel rejuvenated as a fan again. I usually watch Raw and Smackdown off the DVR although I don’t find myself skipping that much especially on Smackdown. After the draft lottery we thought Raw was loaded. We were wrong. Smackdown has been the superior show with no signs of really slowing down. Writing two times a week (since May) has really helped me too. It’s renewed my interest in the product. Like I’ve written in the past, I consider WWE to be like a favorite sports team. I’m not going to love every decision they make, but I want the company to do well and I will always be a fan. I think sometimes the harder you are on something as a fan, the more it shows you care. The people that think everything is great all the time aren’t thinking enough on their own. Remember: Just because you criticize something doesn’t mean you dislike it.

I think WWE had a good year in terms of PPVs and some good matches, but I was disgruntled with all the title changes as well as their lack of developing top stars. Think about it on Raw. They really only had two main event feuds with Orton vs. HHH and Orton vs. Cena. That’s inexcusable. They have realized their problems, though, which is great. That’s why at the end of the year guys like Kingston, Sheamus and McInytre among others are getting serious pushes. That’s an encouraging sign for the future. I think the Raw guest host idea has been a hit or miss kind of thing. Some weeks it’s entertaining, but most of the time it’s not. I’d love to see a permanent GM on Raw again although I have no idea if WWE feels the same way. They seem to enjoy getting pub from mainstream TV even if they’re getting made fun of or it’s a minor thing. I guess any publicity is good publicity to Vince McMahon. I won’t complain too much about Smackdown. It was very good especially during the summer with strong matches on a weekly basis. Once Undertaker and Batista came back it slowed things down a bit, but Batista’s heel turn has freshened things up.

Here’s one last poll for you to vote on to see how you would rate the 2009 WWE year using 10 as the high and 1 as a low. I’m not putting in a zero. Round up or down as you see fit. I’m voting a 5.5, so I’ll round up and give it a 6 because I’m nice like that.

How would you rate the 2009 year in WWE?

(polls)

To finally bring this home, here’s a complete rundown of all the awards with my winners as well as the People’s Vote in brackets.

1. The Michaels/Flair Award for Best Wrestler aka Superstar of the Year – Chris Jericho (Chris Jericho)
2. The Trish Stratus Award for Best Female aka Diva of the Year – Mickie James (Mickie James)
3. The Giant Gonzalez Award for Worst Wrestler – The Great Khali (The Great Khali)
4. The Stone Cold/Hitman Award for Best Match – Undertaker vs. Michaels (Undertaker vs. Michaels)
5. The Diesel/Mabel Award for Worst Match – Divas Battle Royal (Chavo vs. Hornswoggle)
6. The Edge & Christian Award for Best Tag Team – Jerishow
7. The Big Show “KTFO” Award for who deserves to be KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT – Michael Cole (Raw writing team)
8. The Savage/Steamboat Award for Best Feud – Punk vs. J. Hardy (Punk vs. J. Hardy)
9. The Katie Vick Award for Worst Feud – HHH vs. Orton (Chavo vs. Hornswoggle)
10. The Mordecai Award for Worst Idea for a Character – Santina
11. The Rock Award for Best Talker – Chris Jericho (Chris Jericho)
12. The Vince McMahon Award for Best Guest Host – Shaquille O’Neal (Shaquille O’Neal)
13. The Brock Lesnar Award for the “next big thing” aka Future Star in 2010 – John Morrison
14. The Smackdown Award for Best WWE or John Canton Word/Phrase – Summerfest (Jerishow)
15. The Saturday Night’s Main Event Award for Best TV Show – Smackdown
16. The Bobby Heenan Award for Funniest Performer – Santino (Santino)
17. The Mr. Perfect Award for Most Poorly Used Performer – The Hart Dynasty (Evan Bourne)
18. The WrestleMania X-7 Award for Best PPV – Summerslam (WrestleMania 25)
19. The Great American Bash ‘04 Award for Worst PPV – Bragging Rights (Bragging Rights)
20. The Foley Goes Flying off the Cell Award for Most Memorable Moment – Undertaker vs. Michaels)

Congratulations to all the winners. To everybody else, better luck next year. If you made it through the 9,000+ words I appreciate that. It’s been fun to look back on the year 2009 and reflect on what we saw.

If you’re looking for my thoughts on last night’s TLC PPV, I posted it up at my blog right here. I’ll be back on Tuesday with the Raw Deal as usual.

Please give me some feedback on this. I want to know what you thought of the year and who some of your award winners were. My contact info is below. Also, please follow me on Twitter because I’m using it more than ever. It’s cool to be able to interact with you guys like that, not to mention the performers in WWE that we watch on a regular basis. I will likely be posting a bunch of feedback from this just as I did for my 29 Favorite Moments column.

Have a safe and happy holiday season whether you celebrate Christmas (I do) or something else. Enjoy it. Thanks for reading.

John Canton – oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Visit the blog: johnreport.wordpress.com
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport
AOLIM: OratorJC MSN: oratoryjohn@hotmail.com

Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.

My expectations on this match is pretty high. Interestingly, the match quality of DX has been amazingly good so far. Be it the feud with Legacy or the SS match. Hope one more here. Basically I expect they use Big Show to dominate and decimate the opponents. He could be swinging the ladder and take out every one . But then, DX would stay down so easily . So Im pretty confused with the finish . I do not agree a bit letting DX win this one.

Might be good if DX is on top of ladder and Big Show throws one big ladder from down to take them out and then climbs to win the match .
Watch out for Big Show and HBK to steal the match. While Y2J would be as good as he is always. Time for HHH to stand upto the other guys standards.

The plan as of now looks to be that Taker would carry the title till Royal Rumble where he might lose due to Kane interference leading to Kane vs Undertaker for Wrestlemania. It would be a great pull as the other plan suggest HHH vs HBK for the other match of the night.

You should have gotten the hang of this now if you’ve voted the last couple of days. Pick three for each one. Judge a feud however you want. Michaels/Undertaker is the match of the year, but does one match constitute a feud or do you need to see more than that? It’s your choice. I’ll explain my choice in the column on Monday, which I haven’t even started yet. I’ve been having too much success on twitter lately with a certain woman named  Mickie James-Canton. Okay not really success, but it’s a start! Anyway, here are the polls. Too tired for an explanation. I think the categories are easy to understand.

Happy voting and I will post up something tomorrow, probably with emails I’ve gotten over the past week or so.  I may post some news & notes as well if I get time to put it together.

Best Feud

Worst Feud

I changed the upcoming ones a bit. I decided to take out worst on interviews and threw in a best Raw guest host category.

Thursday: Best on Interviews, Best Female
Friday: Best Raw Guest Host, Best and Worst PPVs
Saturday: Most Underused, Funniest Performer and The KNOCK THE FUCK OUT~ Award

WWE presenta Monday Night RAW, desde el American Airlines Center, Dallas, Texas.

• Se anuncia la lucha por el título de los Estados Unidos entre The Miz (c) vs Mark Henry así como el match en desventaja de DX vs Y2J.
• El día de hoy se espera el encuentro de careo, de John Cena con Sheamus.
• Justin Roberts presenta a Mark Cuban como anfitrión especial de esta emisión
• 1. John Cena vs Carlito.
• Carlito domina al principio, pero Cena se recupera, y cuando este esta por aplicar su you can’t see me aparece Shemaus, Mark Cuban quien estaba acompañado de las Gemelas Bella, le impide interferir. Al final Cena aplica su AA a Carlito.
• Se anuncia que el próximo RAW será de tres horas, con la presentación de los Slammy Awards. El anfitrión sera Dennis Miller.
• Llega al ring, Randy Orton le pide a Mark Cuban una oportunidad por el  Titulo de la WWE contra el ganador de Cena y Sheamus. Cuban se niega, Rhodes lo amenaza y advierte que le puede pasar lo mismo que en Survivor Series 2003.
• Cuban le dice a  Orton que se prepare pues volverá a enfrentar a Kofi Kingston con el como referí especial
• Y a sus muchachos, les prepara una lucha contra Primo y Evan Bourne.
• 2. Evan Bourne y Primo vs. Legado
• Bourne aplica una muy buena plancha sobre  Ted pero Cody lo salva, luego Ted aplica su Dream Street sobre Bourne y con ello se llevan la lucha. Cuban es custodiado por un impresionante cuerpo de seguridad en ringside para evitar que los de Legado se le acerquen.
• Vídeo mostrando la supremacía de Sheamus.
• 3. Maryse vs. Gail Kim
• Maryse vence en menos de dos minutos a Gail usando las cuerdas. Al final  Maryse se va sobre la anunciadora especial, Kelly Kelly pero Melina llega a salvarla.
• DX presentan algunos artículos de navidad, entre ellas el nuevo SmackDown vs. Raw 2010 de THQ, Horny y presenta la nueva mini camiseta de DX con él incluido.
• Vídeo de Sheamus acabando con Jamie Noble.
• 4. Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston
• Randy Orton domina la lucha, pero Kofi pone lo mejor de sí y logra imponerse a Orton.
• Al final Cuban dispone que tras el empate habrá una tercera lucha de desempate en TLC.
• 5. Campeonato de los Estados Unidos: The Miz (c) vs Mark Henry
• Henry domina con su peso, pero en una sorpresa The Miz aplica una DDT al más pesado del mundo.
• 6. Chavo Guerrero y Jillian vs. Hornswoggle y Eve Torres
• La lucha la llevan las damas, al final Eve aplica una bala de cañón para llevarse fuera de combate a Jullian, los caballeros no ven acción, al final Chavo entra a golpear a Horny, Eve sirve de escudo humano, y Chris Masters entra a  defender a Bella, aplicando un candado maestro a  Chavo. Horny se burla de un noqueado Chavo, Eve se va con Masters.
• 7. Chris Jericho enfrentará en un handicap match a DX (Triple H y Shawn Michaels), debido a que la semana pasada perdió un encuentro mano a mano contra HHH
• Jericho aparece y dice que todo esta listo para que de la lucha del año y sea considerado la super estrella del 2009, como lo fue en el 2008.
• DX entra al ring.
• Michaels emprende las acciones contra Jericho, el Y2J aprovecha para sacar del ring al ring, entra Big Show sobre HBK, entra Triple H con una silla al salve, luego Show se hace de una escalera y con eso acaba con DX. Jericho se burla de los degenados y se muestran dominantes sobre sus retadores.
• Sheamus es el primero en llegar al Careo, presentado por Mark Cuban, luego llega Cena, Sheamus es mucho más ovacionado.
• Sheamus responde a la pregunta de Corben que el será el ganador porque le llevara poco tiempo ser el Campeón. Jonh Cena dice no tener nada que decir, luego Sheamus le explica como lo destruirá con mesas. Ahora la gente apoya a Cena. Qué una vez más no tiene comentarios. Ahora Cena cuestiona a Sheamus sobre su persona, dice que Cena nunca ga buscado las peleas, que ellas lo buscan a él, que nunca se ha rendido, y que en siete años se ha ganado el derecho de decir que el Campeón está aquí, y que un golpe a traición sobre una mesa no lo va rendir. Y que sus actitudes no lo intimidan
• Sheamus pierde la cabeza, y le da un patadón.
• Luego Sheamus se encara con Cuban, quien tira al Irlandés, el gigante se desquita con todo contra el hombre de los Mareverics, entran los jugadores a salvar a su jefe, Sheamus se va a la rampa mostrándose dominante y Cena lo observa desde el ring con ira.
• Fin del Show.

Antecedentes

• Esta noche Mark Cuban, presidente de HDNet (Cadena que transmite ROH además de eventos de MMA), sera el conductor invitado
• DX vs. Hornswoggle en “Little Peoples Court”
• Se espera el anuncio del  match Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston para TLC 2009

The location of Peebles was about an hours drive. Adriana asked to come along so I first had to collect her. We had a pleasant drive there in changeable weather conditions. We were betting on whether the blue skies would win over the grey skies. We were aiming for Peebles station. Little did I know that there had been no train line there since Dr Beeching axed it in the sixties! I asked a local resident for directions and he looked at me as if I had just landed from a different planet! While being berated by him Adriana spotted the hashers. It turned out we were in fact in the old station car park! The pack was expected to be small as several had headed to Dublin for a hash weekend. Still, we had a respectable 20 + turnout. The blue skies won and we set of uphill on a delightful run with some challenging false trails. Back at the car park we held a bfrief circle during which Adriana was named Wilma for nconfusing Peebles with Pebbles! We then lunched at the nerarby Green Tree before returning to town.

The Wednesday No 1 son was hash ready. We set off to the famous Thomson’s Bar in Morrison Street (owned at one time by the same person as the Cumberland – I believe).  It was dry, clear night with the promise of plummeting temperatures! I always run in shorts and this invited comment from the pack. The run took us around much of centrfal Edinburgh, touching Stockbridg and Dean Village and the newly reopened if incomplete Princes Street. A bubbly stop had been announced but we were 5.5k into the run before it materialised! We soon cooled down so it was back top the pub to reheat. Gordon and I enjoyed our pints and then headed home.

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Today’s market-moving headlines, macro trade ideas and more…

• Goldman sees Chinese earnings and shares surging in 2010
• Cast your fortunes with index funds
• Web retail a bright spot in tepid U.S. holiday season
• Goldman Sachs Sees ‘Rather Strong’ Growth in 2010-11
• Morgan Stanley raises UAL, AMR to overweight
• The Zweig Fund November Monthly Update
• The Zweig Total Return Fund November Monthly Update
• Housing Market Meltdown Not Over: Zandi
• BofA Cheer Boosts Futures
• Fears grow over US debt market
• General Growth files exit plan, reworks more debt
• U.S. chains miss sales views in weak holiday start
• Global trade disputes Trading blows
• Dave Rosenberg 12/3/2009 THE DOW IS BACK IN A BEAR MARKET
• Pensions Eliminating Stocks Add $40 Billion to Corporate Bonds
• Krugman Says He Plans to Sell Some Brazil Investments

The Cover for X-Men #1 (V2) by Jim Lee from Marvel.com.

Jeremy graciously put a juicy leftover turkey sandwich on my table when covering the new WWE comic books. I’ll look at the limited sampling of artwork and break it down. I’m not even going to venture into the writing which seems to be linking famous historical happens to modern wrestling situations. I’ll leave that for March 23rd when the comics come out and I can properly piss on them.

In the first link Jeremy provided (I suggest enlarging it with a simple click) the top left cell shows a Mayan that is proportioned well. In the next cell over, HHH has an awfully small head in comparison. The artists didn’t look at HHH’s ring attire because he always wraps his right hand and forearm. HHH also has the iron cross on his elbow pads. Look at photos 8 and 9 for proof from this week’s Raw. John Cena is prominently featured in cells 4 and 6. They pulled the same issues with Cena’s attire because they forgot his wrist and arm bands, didn’t give him a belt for his clam diggers, didn’t show any underwear and they gave him high tops instead of low tops. Look at photo 17 for everything but the foot wear. I also feel like I’m playing a game of nude photo hunt at the bar because Cena doesn’t have wrist tape in cell 4 but does in cell 6. Hopefully, Mickie James will be missing articles of clothing in her issue of the comic.

This cover from Spawn #158 by Greg Capullo is an example of good comic book art.

In Jeremy’s second link, we have a scene in cell 2 with (from left to right) Matt Hardy,  Kofi Kinston, Batista, R Truth and I think CM Punk or John Morrison. The first problem I have with this picture is the fact that aside from skin pigmentation, the art work feels like “insert head here”. As the picture at the top of the article shows, one can show diverse body types while still making a great comic like X-Men. Wolverine is a great character but it was often pointed out how short he was. Batista should not be matched in size by our pudgy friend Matt Hardy. Cell 4 presents a couple of problems. The most glaring to me is that Batista and Randy Orton don’t have any tattoos. They don’t need to be as detailed as the real ones but they shouldn’t be presented without them. The second problem is that Batista goes from talking to swinging a chair. I realize that comics don’t show every action but he goes from standing still without a chair to swing one through the ropes at Randy Orton. They need to show some action in between those two events.

I can’t wait until March for further evaluation. Maybe by then, I’ll have brought my own art back to this site for people to mock. - Kevin

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Today’s market-moving headlines, macro trade ideas and more…

• Dave Rosenberg 12/01/2009 How Can the Recession Be Over?
• Marc Faber: Dubai Was Just The Tip of The Sovereign Default Iceberg
• Deep down, even the fiercest equity bulls must be doubting themselves
• China Longyuan I.P.O. Attracts Billionaire Investor
• Gallup Economic Weekly: Thanksgiving Week Disappoints
• Dubai Panic Sparks Few Deals in Emerging-Market Bonds
• Cyber Monday: A lot of clicking and shopping
• JP MORGAN SAYS TO STAY IN THE RISK TRADE
• Russia Must Cut Rate 2 Points This Month, Gilman Says
• Beijing Gives Nod to Modified Rice

Beijing Gives Nod to Modified Rice

Posted: 02 Dec 2009 12:00 AM PST

China’s government declared two strains of genetically modified rice safe to produce and consume, taking a major step toward endorsing the use of biotechnology in the staple food crop of billions of people in Asia.

ETFDesk users see this as a potential opportunity to: buy Market Vectors–Agribusiness ETF (MOO);

Check out how others are using ETFs to capitalize on this news or add your own opinion

The John Report: The Raw Deal for 11/30/09 (HHH vs. Jericho)

Live from Baltimore, MD here’s the Raw Deal…

Best thing to come from the city of Baltimore? The Wire. God, I love that show.

We started with my boys Chris Jericho and Big Show. They cut a promo talking about their accomplishments, using the big words and running down DX. At one point he said DX has been together for like twelve years. Not really. They were together for about six months in 1997-98, another run in 2006 and another run now. Maybe a year total in 12 years. Out came HHH and Shawn. The glowsticks were ready. Hunter said Jericho is boring. This is the same guy that feuded with Randy Orton for five months and realized that his babyface sucked so much that it was time to go back to being funny again. Hunter is the boring one. Shawn talked about wanting to be the tag champs for the first time after they win at TLC in his hometown of San Antonio. Hunter mentioned Jericho is only Raw because he’s a tag champ, so if they lose he’s off Raw. How about when Hunter was on Raw for a couple of months before WrestleMania even though he was a Smackdown wrestler? Oh right, rules don’t apply to McMahons. We ended up getting HHH vs. Jericho for tonight. The winner gets a handicap match with his partner vs. the other guy (so either DX vs. Jericho or Jerishow vs. Hunter). This whole thing was okay. Noting amazing or anything.

Maryse & Jillian d. Melina & Gail Kim (*)
Maryse cut a promo before the match. The heels were crafty and Maryse won with her hair flipping DDT thing. If you’re keeping score at home, the diva feuds this year were Mickie vs. Maryse on Raw and Melina vs. Michelle on Smackdown. Now it’s Melina vs. Maryse on Raw and Michelle vs. Mickie on SD because the other ones ran their course. Also, Maryse’s pin was fantastic. She laid on top of Melina literally to pin her. I loved it. The best pin in the history of wrestling? Mickie James-Canton on Trish Stratus at WrestleMania 22. No question about it. Maybe it’ll even make my 29 favorite moments column?

Sheamus came out. He talked for a bit. His opponent, Santino Marella, came out. Santino was amazing here. He mentioned Lucky Charms, said Sheamus should focus on him and not “John Chayna.” Man, screwing up Cena’s name like that is gold. I love Santino. All the insults led to the predictable beating. Was it a match? I don’t know. He gave him the Razor’s Edge (still needs a name, I might throw a poll up about that on the blog this week) and then put him through a table in the corner with a running powerslam. By the way, the announcers busted out the SERIOUS VOICES~! for the beating. Of course they did.

Show met up with guest host Verne Troyer backstage. Quite the visual. He made it up to Show’s shinbone. Jericho did his whole “guest host disrespecting me” routine too.

Verne Troyer came out. Actually he was placed on a chair. What can he do, really? Miz interrupted him. He got in some Austin Powers jokes that were pretty funny. Miz did a good job. Out came Kool-Aid man Mark Henry to protect Verne from an altercation. We end up getting Miz vs. Mark Henry for later.

Randy Orton d. Kofi Kingston (*1/4)
Kofi was boom-boom-booming his way out to the ring when Cody Rhodes beat him up from behind. Officials pulled him away, Kofi went in the ring and Ted Dibiase went after his legs. They broke that up, then Kofi said let the match start because he wants Orton. Orton came out at a pace that wasn’t ridiculously slow for once (the voices told him to walk fast) and continued the assault on Kingston. It was more of an angle than a match with Kingston eating a RKO for the loss. Post match, Orton gave him the DDT off the ring ropes to knock him out even more. I am a fan of that spot. This was fine. No need to give the full match away on free TV. Save it.

Goofy segment time backstage with MVP and Mark hanging with Verne. In came Jillian to sing. Mark started dancing, then he accidentally fell on her (they didn’t show him hitting her) and she was laid out with Verne left there to say “I think she’s dead.” The point of this was that Mark had a personality. This wasn’t good.

John Cena arrived and marched to the ring. He’s serious, folks. He’s so serious that he arrives 1 hour and 15 minutes late to a show to get revenge on the guy that beat the shit out of him last week? He wants Sheamus right there. Instead, Carlito comes out. Didn’t expect that. He says he doesn’t know Sheamus, but he wants him to win because there’s a locker room full of guys (and internet fans although I’m more impartial to Cena) that hate Cena. John Chayna was fired up, told Carlito to bring it and how does Carlito bring it? By biting into an apple! That let Cena hit him with the FU. Way to go, Carlito. Sheamus came out. He stared at Cena then left. I assume this was done to make it look like Sheamus will only fight him on his terms, not Cena’s.

Terrible segment was next with Mark Henry trying to rap. MVP hyped the crowd up. He did a good job. Mark was brutal, though. Not sure if that was intentional or not, but I didn’t really laugh at it. It was just bad TV.

Mark Henry d. The Miz in a non-title match (1/2*)
Mark raps worse than he wrestles. That should tell you something. Of course Henry won the match because if a champion is in a non-title match he’s usually going to lose. I really don’t know why you book the US champ to lose in about two minutes to somebody that doesn’t win a whole lot anyway. I guess they’ll have a match at the TLC PPV now.

Next week’s host is Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks of the NBA. I like Cubes. I’ve even met him once. Good guy and I believe he’s a legit WWE fan.

DX was backstage talking about getting served papers last week. Horny came up to them. He talked his gibberish and they had subtitles on the screen. Why can’t Hornswoggle speak normally? I have no idea. They were supposed to do some kind of midget court this week, but that idea got scrapped thankfully.

Triple H d. Chris Jericho (**1/2)
Remember in 2002 when HHH totally buried Jericho in the main event of WMX8? I’ve tried to forget. I can’t. They mentioned how they haven’t wrestled much in the last few years, which is probably true, so I appreciate that ode to history. They had Show and HBK on commentary although Shawn wasn’t really funny here like when DX did commentary last month. They worked a basic TV match with neither guy hitting a finisher. Show got up, HBK got in his face and Show knocked him over. The ref, like a dumbass, looked at HBK and Show KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT of HHH with a punch. The ref kicked him out, then HBK superkicked Jericho and he got kicked out. They did the double KO spot, both got up at 9, neither guy could get the finish so HHH reversed the walls with a push into the corner and scored the pinfall on a textbook rollup. Would HHH ever lose to somebody like that? Of course not.

Post match, DX pointed out that next week it’s DX vs. Jericho in a handicap match and that it will be Jericho’s last night on Raw. What’s funny is that after the TLC PPV they have a 3 hour Raw with the Slammy Awards and wrestlers from all three brands will be there. Jericho will probably be on that Raw. Weird huh?

Three Stars of the Show
1. Maryse – That pin was epic.
2. Santino – He gets number two for saying “John Chayna.”
3. Chris Jericho – Maybe two more weeks left on Raw, so he’s in.

Sorry Carlito, you were close.

Rating: 4.5 (out of 10)
Last week: 7.5

Just an average show after the last two Raw’s being very good. I don’t think Cena beating up Carlito and Sheamus beating up Santino is the best way to build their match although I understand that they want to keep them apart to make the Tables match special. The Jerishow/DX stuff was pretty great and of course Maryse’s pin as well as Santino’s comedy were the highlights for me. I never need to hear Mark Henry rap ever again, though.

Also, I had no problem with the Kingston/Orton match. It was a good way of doing an angle without doing a real match. Makes you really want to see the full match, which is hopefully at the TLC PPV. Still the best feud in WWE right now.

There wasn’t even 25 minutes of in ring action on this show. It was angle driven, that’s for sure.

Here’s the poll where you can vote for the star of the night. Lots of options, as you’ll see:

Who was the Raw star of the night for 11/30/09?

(polls)

————

Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another edition of the “FUCKING FESTIVAL OF COMMENTS!” Tonight’s guest host is Mini Me! (add in Tony Atlas’ laugh) HA HA HA HA! Heeeeeeeeres your host Joooooooohn C! (I like it. This was posted by the guy that got scolded by his girlfriend for eyeing up the divas last week. His name is Whipped.)

Are you ready??? NO I SAID ARE YOU READY???? Then for the thousands in attendance (at commentfest) and for the millions watching at home on live television… LLLLLLLLLLLETTTS GET READY TO MIDGETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! (I’m not really ready, but I guess I better be, huh?)

I never want to hear the word ’shagadelic’ come out of Cole’s mouth ever again. *cringes*

Dear god… worst moment in wrestling history: michael cole said shagadelic!!

Dude with the DX Army sign looked like Road Dogg…oh you didn’t know?

I love when Jericho takes a word like “been” and gets all Canadian on it.

I think the Big Show is about to make us an offer we can’t refuse with that outfit. (He’s more of a thug. Jericho’s the Godfather. And no, I don’t mean the wrestler.)

Big Show with the dictionary words. Something new for a change.

Big Show’s been in quite a few BLT matches. He has won every one.

How the fuck can you wrap a steel chair around a fist? Is Big Show going to bring a welding kit to melt the chair? (Well it’s the big…welder?)

Those hats make them look like condoms.

Thesaurus = $5, Nice Suit = $500, Jericho annunciating and talking slowly so that all of the amoebas and hypocrites can understand him = *Priceless*

Did HHH just endorse beating your spouse?

HBK Got it right!!! Unified!!! (I was getting used to united.)

NOOO! Jeri-show must win. I like Jericho on Raw (Thanks for posting, reasonable wrestling fan that knows Jericho’s the best thing on this show week after week.)

Losing Jericho isn’t an added bonus, Trips. It’s a threat. DON’T DO IT, CREATIVE!!

Big Show is so much smarter since hanging with Jericho. He uses proper vernacular, dress in smart suits, and just is an all around more well rounded guy. Go Show, the buffet awaits you have earned it my friend.

That whole opening segment was one big Pecker Wag… “mine’s bigger”… “nuh uh, mine’s bigger, look!”… still, no midgets, so good news there…

Never was a fan of Jerishow….Now if they were The Big Showicho, THEN i’d make signs! (My name for them is so much cooler.)

YAY…ITS TIME FOR EVERYONE’S FAVORITE FUNBAGS!!!!! (I want it to be known that I advised him to use “funbags” over “ta-tas” because it’s a much classier term. Anybody else want advice on names for the female body parts? Hit me up.)

Melina and Gail Kim! Wow a team that can actually wrestle!

MAN! Maryse has the best pin in wrestling history!!!

Melina hasn’t screamed like that since she had Batista. (Thanks for posting Batista.) (Can I sue for stealing my material? Ah fuck it, I hate lawyers too much.)

MJC is all yours John. I’ll happily take Maryse. (Thanks for posting, random stranger.)

Dear Santa: This year, all I want is for Maryse to pin me! (Thanks for posting, John Canton…if he wasn’t so committed to the lovely Mickie James-Canton.)

I know why RAW keeps losing viewers. They put the results on WWE.com before it airs here on the West Coast. Thats vintage brilliance by WWE! (Dear West coast, you don’t really matter. Love, the East coast.)

Um King… didn’t you say that “Nobody has made as a big impact as Sheamus” with Bobby Lashley, John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, The Rock, Triple H, Jake the Snake, Kama Mustafa, Ahmed Johnson, Faarooq Asaad, Barry Horowitz, Vader, Diesel, Repo Man, Jim Ross, Maven, Bob Holly, the janitor, the popcorn vendor in the nosebleeds, the cameraman who does all the pan shots of the arena, the Titantron creator…

To quote my friend: “You have to love Sheamus! He’s the color of paper. Who doesn’t love paper?” (A pen? Bad joke, I know.)

Cue the serious voices…even King doesn’t think Santino stands a chance.

A classic Marellaism: John Chena.

Way to go Santino! Italians can indeed enjoy the sunshine and eat all the Lucky Charms they want! (Thanks for posting, Italian guy whose last name ends in a vowel like 90% of Italian last names.)

He killed me with the lucky charms line…they are magically delicious…ha.

Why am I enjoying Santino’s promo on Sheamus more than Cena’s lol?? What’s that? Santino should be WWE Champion? Oh okay. (So you hear voices in your head too?)

Santino just took it up a notch on the accent. And I love every second of it!

Since when did the WWE hire Sam Cassell as a referee? (That ref’s head is way smaller than Cassell’s head. Sam’s an alien anyway.)

~SERIOUS VOICE ALERT~ 9:37PM! Santino is my new favorite wrestler on Raw!

Cue the Cole *serious voice* for the man who ripped off Razor Ramon and “ended” Jamie Noble’s career.

Dammit, will Verne Troyer stand up?

SHEAMUS = Simon Pegg on Steroi….I mean, Hunter’s strenuous training..

Troyer looks like a baby skeleton.

Jingle all the way was like 9-10 years ago. So how the hell is that recent, Cole? (Cole loves that shit.)

Mini Miz!!! Vintage clever comment!

GASP! “Jackass” is not very PG. (“Jackbehind” maybe?)

OH NO! Mizark is thinking “GET IN MA BELLAY!”

Run verney kool aid man needs a mini snack.

Verne looks like a chihuahua in front of the camera. It kind of bugs me out. (Or makes you yearn for Taco Bell.)

Hey did randy grow lots of hair? Oh wait thats cody jumping him.

Randy Orton did speed before Raw. Record time to the ring: 2 seconds.

What we need here is for Kobe Kingston and Kofi Johnston to get involved to even the score….

Now that RKO was actually out of no where. And Cole couldn’t remind us! Why?!

Have we SURPASSED serious voices? Silence??? Vintage broadcasting boys… vintage… (SERIOUS VOICES~! > silent voices, but I love both.)

Yay jillian x2. Greatest raw ever. (Jillian’s fan.)

Mark Henry dancing is almost as great as Chris Masters’ amazing man-boob dance.

ill kill mark henry if he hurt her. god dammit jillian im on my way (Same guy.)

SHE’S DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAD!!

Why can’t Cena back a GOOD team… I hate the Broncos… (He backed the Seattle Sonics before and they don’t even exist.)

John Cena came out, and I shit you not, my 10 month old son started crying….I’m so proud lol.

Carlito signing 03.23 uk time! He is alive! (See that? Even Carlito has a fan.)

COOLITO (If he sang “Gangsta’s Paradise” or “Fantastic Voyage” he’d win my wrestler of the year award.)

Yeah, get carlito some fuckin wristbands!

Did Carlito hire someone to stab Cena again? Maybe this time they will use a kryptonite shard and finish the job! (I love how there were no charges for that. They settled it in the ring. If I get stabbed I won’t be settling it in a ring, for the record.)

I’ve never been more serious in my life so listen to me….. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???? DO YOU STILL WRESTLE HERE???

Carlito, your punk card has officially been pulled, lol! Ok so WWE puts two jobbers in against the two players in the WWE championship match to prove what, that they can squash people 70 lbs. smaller??

mark henry rapping? ok….i’m not black enough for this. (Sheamus?)

More stereotyping… all black people do not rap… case in point… (Thanks for posting, that black guy on the Simpsons that says “pardon me?” when Homer tells him to get a look of those nerds over there.)

My brother is screaming in his pillow from EMBARRASSMENT. WHAT THE FUCK! STOP MARK STOP!

We just witnessed Mark Henry do The Kool Aid rap, somebody say OH YEAH!

BELLAS….BELLAS…BELLAS…BELLAS…THANK YOU mini me.

KELLY KELLY!!!! EVE EVE!!! BELLA BELLA!!! BELLA BELLA!!!!

Welcome, kids to ‘How to Bury a Title 101.’ I am your professor, Dr. Vince McMahon. (Lots of knowledge on that subject.)

I changed the channel to Raw from MNF and saw Verne Troyer on Mark Henry’s shoulder and there was dancing involved. I immediately went back to the football game. (I think Brees could have thrown Troyer for a touchdown.)

Last week we estalished that not all black people have cornrows/braids. This week’s lesson, not all black folks rap. (What’s on tap for next week?)

Last two weeks I have averaged 5.5 comments on the RAW Deal…since I have nothing witty to say, I’m going for cheap heat – MICKIE JAMES CANTON!!!!! (Sure, why not?)

HORNSWAGGLE SUBTITLES FTW.

Holy shit horny is like the great khali compared to verne.

GLOW STICKS TO BE THROWN AT THE CROWD (check) ASTHMA INHALER SINCE WERE GETTING A LITTLE OLD (check) REALLY COOL SKULL CAPS AND ARMY FATIGUES (check) WELL LOOKS LIKE WE’RE READY…

HBK on commentary!!!! Who cares about the match?

It’s sad that the commentary by Show and Michaels have more punch than this match… who am I kidding? Jericho is awesome…

Big Show “I can’t wait to make you eat wood” SO MUCH FOR PG PROGRAMMING RIGHT???? Lmao

vintage ktfo!

Mini-promo after the main event? what is this….TNA?

Has anyone ever been jumped pre-match more than Kofi? He’s like the WWE’s version of Jenna Jameson – always getting nailed from behind. (I think it’s wise to just end it there.)

Thanks for the participation as always.

——

Remember to check out the blog located at johnreport.wordpress.com for updated daily content. I posted some WWE news & notes from the latest edition of the always good Figure Four Weekly newsletter and there are of course other things posted there on a regular basis.

I’ll be back with another column on Thursday called, “My 29 Favorite Moments in Wrestling History.” Why 29? You’ll find out. Talking Smack will be on the weekend as always, too.

Thanks for reading.

John Canton – oratoryjohn@gmail.com
Check out the blog at: johnreport.wordpress.com
Add me on Facebook at Facebook.com/thejohnreport and Twitter at Twitter.com/johnreport

Visit My Archives to view ten years of The John Report columns.

Asking for help is probably one of the most difficult things for me to do. I offer help, I’m here for others if and when they need me. Most women and moms are – giving to and taking care of others before thinking of themselves. Yet, at the same time, I was taught to take care of myself, be independent and not (have to) rely on others.

It’s not easy to admit when things are going not-as-planned and when circumstances out of my control have led me to a challenge that I don’t quite know how to face.

Last week, I faced the family court judge as she explained that I would need to prove that I’m looking for work, truly trying to find a job that will support my son and I.

You see, I didn’t ask for help when I truly needed it and now I’m here, struggling to make ends meet, all because the focus of the last year has been to try and make my own business work. I put myself out there, letting people know that I’m available as a Parent/Life Coach but it seems like there are others, besides me, who are not able or willing to ask for help when they need it.

There was a time in my life when things were quite bad, when I struggled just to get out of bed in the morning because I was so numb and truly unable to feel anything. People asked if I was anorexic for a while because I lost so much weight due to stress. I had no appetite and I became robotic, going, going, going, without any emotion and unable to stop or slow down to truly enjoy life.

I look back at that time and those experiences that led up to that point and know that I have much to offer and share with others going through similar situations.

In other words, I’m not going anywhere. I may have to start a 9-5 job that might have nothing to do with helping others, but I’m still going to provide my services to those who request it. I’m still going to share my thoughts and ramblings here on this page, I’m still going to send my newsletter with those who are willing to read it and I’m still going to provide you with things to laugh at (me) when you follow me on Facebook or Twitter.

All I’m asking for, in return, is for you to continue to send encouraging words, to help keep me focused on why I’m here, why we’re all here -  to make this world a better place. I believe that with your help, I can begin to do that, one family at a time.

If you know of anyone who is in need of support, please pass along my information. I would love to help.

Happy Healthy Hip Parenting
Peace Begins in the Home

It literally chucked it down all morning and the omens for the hash were not food. Still, Two Pies, is a seasoned hasher and generally produces a good trail. I set off via Monda to collect some more wood and then took the coast road along to Fuengirola before heading inland to Cerrado de Aguila. The weather was fair but windy especially atop the hill we were setting off from. The warm weather hashers were not there of course leaving only the stalwarts amon whom was one Stan the Man, who last hashed in Mijas in 1990! The trail was surprisingly unmuddy and the first half was not bad at all with good variety of terrain although ominously mnostly downhill. The beer stop at the halfway point was on the Fuengirola-Coin  road by the river.  The second half was less inspired taking us along the river bed then up though an urnabisation and was of course mostly uphill. This was a runners’ run and the gap between the front runners and last in was probably a good 10 minutes. For the circle the rain reappeared and the wind blew stronger still. Hashers are not put off by such phenomena and soldiered on making sure all hash protocols were followed to the letter. The main problem caused by the rain was the dilution of the beer.

Sheamus /wikipedia.org

Continúa la especulación de que el rápido empuje que Sheamus y Drew McIntyre han recibido, se debe al apoyo de dos de los nombres más fuertes de la empresa: Triple H y Shawn Michaels
Incluso parece ser que Sheamus es compañero de gimnasio de HHH

Cabe decir que si Sheamus llegará a vencer a John Cena, sería el tercer campeón de origen netamente europeo en la historia de WWE, luego de Bruno Sammartino (Italia) y André el Gigante (Francia). Kane es caso especial, pues nació en Madrid, pero nunca tuvo la nacionalidad española
De hecho WWE no ha tenido campeones de orígenes muy diversos, pues además de canadienses y norteamericanos, podemos contar entre otros a un Iraní (Iron Sheik) y a un borícua (Pedro Morales), con Rey Mysterio y Eddie Guerrero como casos especiales al ser mexico-americanos, y con Inoki con un título no reconocido

At the Mijas Gastro night I invited Roddy (son of Gerald) Chishick to join  me on today’s run. He agreed and in Lttle Big Horn (Dhaka H3) style he is running from Gerald’s place to mine (about 4km) to accompany me.  Hares are Karma Chameleon and Golden Cascade so it promises to be a good run.  Territory is near Lew Hoad Tennis Club on the Mijas/Fuengirla road.  We arrived nicely on schedule and were shocked to see Wobbly Bob’s car appear also on time.  Wobbly Bob has recently had an operation and Foreskin s dropping off the beetr. The pack was rather small and composed entirely of Mijas hashers! R2D2 and SnaiTrail made an appearence before the run but were not in hash gear –  having  been working at a fete but  promised to reappear for the circle, having changed. The run was short and sweet and Roddy clearly enjoyed it.  R2D2 did return to host the circle, welcome Roddy with his boqueron, and I stood in for RA for a spell.

Hornswoggle va tardar un par de semanas para recuperarse de la lesión provocada por el Pedigree que le aplicó Triple H, se espera que regrese el 30 de noviembre en el RAW que tendrá lugar en Baltimore, MD, el mismo día que se espera como invitado a Verne Troyer, mejor conocido como Mini Me