How do you handle conflict? Galatians 2:11   Don’t get bitter, get ready for an increase. No good things will God with hold when you walk upright. Some people suppress, repress, refuse to acknowledge . We are responsible for our own response.  

If you want peace in your life you have to change the outside stuff……Work with God and get the sensitivity of what he wants for you……..

We can hate the sin, but love the sinner. Use my words for good purpose. Complaining is the enemy’s language.   Open the right doors and close the wrong doors. I care more about what God thinks than people. See the big picture GOD IS IN CONTROL. 

and the usual stress of gifts and money and bills and kids with no school and short tempered family members and…

the funny thing is, I am still very much looking forward to Christmas.  I have a thankful heart today.  Some of my family may be getting homemade gifts, and I may not have an Internet connection until next payday, and I am on the verge of losing my truck…lots of bad…

but let’s look at the good:

• I am clean and sober
• My kids are happy and healthy
• My wife, who was recently diagnosed bi-polar and has had numerous other health problems over the past year is healthyand stable.
• Rent has been paid, so we have a roof over our head until the New Year
• I have loving, caring family members
• I have a job…and a good job at that

I do have some fear…quite a bit of fear right now actually, but I have been praying for it to be removed.  Every day that I continue to try to build that relationship with my Higher Power, God as I like to call him, is a day that my life stays out of the red zone.

He Loves us,  he needs us and guides us.

 God  can count on his elect. Share the marvelous works. He takes care of his children who obey. (Psalms 9:1)  When you have faith in Jesus you won’t get devastated, only disappointed. If you have someone who has hurt you in any way you must remember God takes care of his elect. Father puts them in their place.

Youtube comment: That’s too bad….. I was looking forward to the end!
SEEMS THIS GUY WHO MADE THIS VIDEO KNOWS ALL!

Hah, people in general believe what other people say tooooo much in these times.
If this subject interests you…. DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH.

My perspective: That is the point of the Video: Stop following Beliefs and actually develop Common sense that supports all Life, establish who you are in Self-Honesty, Self Forgiveness and direct yourself here in Self responsibility – then all deception will stop and we will all live Equally according to what is Best for All. The physical is the one point we all exist as – so let us work as the physical to live here, drop all the mind crap that separates us.
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Youtube comment on: Unsubscribing from our videos because we don’t support ‘Light and Love’

My perspective: Wow – so what you are saying is that you do not apply common sense to find out what is best for all because the Light makes you feel so good about yourself. Unsubscribing would imply that you are going to go back to your bubble of light while leaving the world to suffer while you sit in your house that you paid for because you have money and support. The light is a drug which makes you believe you are better than everybody else just because you can read.
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Youtube question about Indigo’s

My perspective: There is more information on the Desteni web site on ‘The Design of Indigo’s’ I suggest look at the common sense that is being presented. The world has been designed to exist as separation so that we may all continue supporting the Current world System, designed around the Currency of Self-Value – which we Support as the Currency of Money. Thus designs within Mind Conscious such as Indigo is another form of separation just like religion, culture, society, personality – which each fight to defend while millions suffer on this planet. We suggest we all stop fighting for our separation as self interest and find ways to co-exists EQUAL and ONE within what is real – the physical.
As soon as you go into your mind and a thought comes up: but this makes me special: I suggest stop and look at how you are directing yourself only within self gratification: An addiction to the energy of being Indigo. Each of us have a point of energy we are addicted to that we will justify as: who we are and will defend that point regardless of how we create the world to serve our self interest.
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Youtube Discussion on Equal Money

My perspective: Have you actually taken a good self honest look at how god exists in this world as Money. Look at it – everything you do and ever have done is to gratify your own needs and to survive in this world. Look at your own comment: you want us to see how in tune you are with some higher understanding – the energy from us paying attention to your comment will give you a feeling of Self-Value.. This Self Value people try and obtain through money or Ego. Have enough money? Then you won’t be on Youtube looking for energy.
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Youtube comment: ‘NOTHING 2 do with The INNER PEACE…that I’m talking about…But …nice try anyway…u made me laugh’

My perspective: This statement shows your energy addiction. You see that experience that comes up in you like an entity boiling up saying: tell them how at peace we are!! That is energy possession.
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Forum Self Forgiveness on I have more experience than you:

I forgive myself for allowing separation due to terminology as knowledge – which gives me the perception that I know more than other people.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be god and in this adopting many words and ways of communicating – which impress people – because together we have given value to words and their definition as being important or special.
I forgive myself for wanting to place myself within this world as god-consciousness – by adopting and remembering big words which will cause people to shudder in their boots like: Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Oneness and Equality etc.
I forgive myself for believing that Self Honesty as words is how one builds up experience – instead of realising that actual living change is how one experiences self as life.
I forgive myself for placing value into one experience or expression – due to my own belief structure around good/bad, right/wrong, valid/in-valid – instead of taking all experiences and learning from them equally.
I know more than you:
I forgive myself for believing that what I do is more important than what other people do and thus I design the concept of Clever people versus not so clever.
I forgive myself for designing the idea of mental abilities – this again separates us into the Mind – instead of us finding physically practical ways to live here – instead of depending on intellect to form groups and people within groups to support each other.
I forgive myself for labeling my own words and actions as clever and in this establishing within my world and myself a need for accomplishment – instead of being here in the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing thoughts – that some people are not so clever – if they don’t speak like me or speak my own language or understand something I understand.
I forgive myself for not unconditionally listening to people and allow them to complete their sentence – before attaching value to what they have said: as clever, smart, able, intellectual.
I forgive myself for pressuring myself into performing and being able and clever.
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Youtube video on taking responsibility

My perspective: What we need to realise is to stop blaming governments and religions – unless we actually look at how we place these institutions in power. When did we separate ourselves into seeing a higher power will save us from what we accept and allow? When did we create spirituality and the soul – was it to try and create an acceptable experience here – through creating energetic feelings we get from being ’spiritual?’ Religion and politics are points where we have not directed ourselves in common sense.

Plain and simple, drug addicts or people that identify with addiction, do not belong in Alcoholics Anonymous. Addicts fuck up AA worse than any other attendee. They are hiding out there to try to gain respectability and social acceptability which do not equal recovery for an addict. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program that deals with recovery from a substance-alcohol-not addiction or drug addiction. For addicts to go there and abuse their program as such is a tragedy and a travesty, its too bad that more of them haven’t been run off by the hard core members that believe in preserving the “singleness of purpose” of that organization.

Narcotics Anonymous, because it chose to preserve the word “God” in the steps, still has too much link to that program and fellowship. Spiritual recovery, we believe, is a ruse and does not have good efficacy without some form of fanaticism. We eschew that fanaticism for a practical approach which has nothing to do with classical definitions of spirituality in the context of any 12 Step Program. We think that wrongheadedness kills millions more addicts than it saves and that one of the few realizations that a drug addict has comes from realizing that no god or higher power really exists and has anything to do with any worldly or otherwise occurrences other than the delusions present in their own minds.

The “Big Book” of AA is probably one of the worst contributing diatribes of religiosity and cultism we have seen. It rivals Dianetics, by L Ron Hubbard and the doctrines of the Church of Scientology in its ridiculousness and ineffectiveness. The fact that most who encounter it do not use it and go the other way proves this as only three to ten percent of those who come through those doors stay and become abstinent as a result. We think that the apologist attitude for theism and Christianity is blatant in this book and deserves no quarter for those seeking practical recovery. Thus, that “recovery” program is one we cannot endorse for drug addiction.

Futhermore, we do not enable addicts who go there for there recovery. We do not argue with them, we simply don’t give them any slack when it comes to addiction recovery, as they disrespect AA when they go to meetings there and for us to validate that is morally wrong even though we think that the AA program is ineffective, for the most part-much less effective than NA-as an addiction recovery program. We really don’t want to associate with those types as most of them have proven themselves flaky in other dealings we have had with them and we do not have them for friends as a rule.

So, if you read this, and you’re looking for recovery from addiction, AA is the wrong place. If you’re looking for recovery from alcoholism only, it may be a good place for you. If you are a drug addict ashamed of his lack of social acceptability and think that AA will give you recovery by helping you restore yourself in that area, you will most likely continue to delude yourself. We actually are grateful that you go there and don’t pollute NA meetings with the clean and sober trash talk that you pervert AA with.

Good riddance.

Once at an AA meeting a guy was talking about how he’s constantly “rededicating himself to his Higher Power” and mentioned how every day he’d do it and then forget about it and do it again and forget about it and do it again and then get out of bed. This is how I feel.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve told You that I was rededicating myself to You, then I’d be wealthy enough to keep my husband at home. But the truth of the matter is that I continue to fall off. And I get arrogant because I keep all these secrets from people because I’m positive I’m going to be rejected if they knew the way I’d screwed up and so it makes me just continue to screw up and then I hate myself even more. It all reminds me a lot of my dad and it’s not at all what I want to be.

And I want to be something different. And I feel like I’ve wanted it for a really really long time. And I feel like I’m always the one who’s been begging for You to help me and then when You try to or You try to test me on the things I’ve learned I’ve gotten lazy and arrogant and taken over and assumed I know better than you and clearly I don’t because here I am, still 155 lbs, still drinking and hiding it from my husband, still doing huge, grandeur gestures of kindness in order to hide all the tiny shitty things I do on a daily basis. And it hurts. A lot. It always comes to bite me in the ass. And I swear to You that I’ve “tried to Change”, like really really Change who I was a bazillion times and I feel like I have on a mental level. And I feel like I’ve grown so much on a mental level that I can fake it on a physical level but obviously that’s not the Answer or I wouldn’t still be doing the shitty things that I’m hiding from everyone in the first place.

And I really do want The Change. I don’t want to fear the guilt of the Big Things I do that have made me screw up. I don’t want to continue to live an inactive life and throw away all this incredible amount of time and power that I have just because I feel so crappy and unworthy with myself. It’s sick. And stupid. And the embarrassment is enough to keep me in this cycle for Ever.

When I honestly look at myself I know I’ve never actually done anything Your way. And I’d like to change that. I really would. Because even after 6 years of my life doing a complete 180, I’m still the same crappy person in my core and I’m terrified I’m going to screw myself over and piss away all my gifts again. And I can’t live with that.

I know I’ve gotten better. I know there are small mental steps that I’ve taken to better myself and to free myself from this totally self-made, invisible prison I seem to believe I dwell in, but I know that this isn’t good enough if I’m going to actually become anywhere close to the person I really want to be.

And I really, honestly know that by pissing my days and my time and energy away, I’m spitting in Your face and telling you that all these gifts are great but I don’t necessarily want to show you how much I appreciate them. And that in itself is embarrassing and yet I CAN’T seem to stop. I’ve literally said everything in this entry before. I’ve made plans to change, I’ve written out my intentions for the future, I’ve rescheduled my life and I always always backslide into this shitty, overweight, slovenly, selfish person that I have been for years and years. And I have too much to lose this time. It’s not like earlier when all I was losing was admittance at a fabulous university. If I lose what I have right now, my life will be over and there will never be anything I can do to forgive myself from that.

You know how many times I’ve tried to Restart. I’ve tried keeping journals and drinking holy water and just intending, intending. And then something happens and I forget or I put it aside or I assume that I’m magically cured or it’s not worth it and I need help not doing that. I need help reminding myself that I don’t want to waste any more time crapping on your blessings and refusing your destiny for me. It sounds incredibly idiotic of me to say that but there it is. In addition to these incredible gifts and this incredible life you’ve given me, I need help being reminded that you’ve given me them because you love me and you have a purpose for me. I’m so sorry that sounds so selfish and helpless. And I’m tired of being that way. I really really am. I’m tired of laying around waiting for my life to start when, really, I’m just wasting all this blessed, unbusy time that I could have with my daughter and with my well-being. There’s no reason I’m not taking her outside to play every day, there’s no reason I’m not cleaning house regularly, there’s no reason I’m not working diligently on all the things I’ve said I’ve wanted to do with my life and yet I just sit around killing time until she’s old enough to be out of the house and making unbelievably pathetic daily justifications for it, even though I know that, with every excuse, I hate myself a little more for such an incredible disappointment I’m becoming.

God, I don’t want that. I don’t want that life. I want to be active and healthy, I want to make dinners for my family and I want to accomplish my goals and I want my daughter to have a mom who’s happy to see her and take her out to see the world every day and I want to live and be excited to live instead of making empty pathetic excuses to not do this. I feel like I should make a resolution to wake up and meditate or run or something every day but I know me and I know that my passion for doing this will fall by the wayside. I need something to renew my passion for this and change my life. I don’t know why I give up before I even start but it’s no secret that I like to sabotage myself. I don’t want to sabotage myself anymore because I can’t imagine what the weight of this crushing guilt will feel like in a few more years when I’ve piled thousands more excuses and lies on top of what’s already there.

Maybe I’ll take a small step and vow to write at least one check-in entry every day. It’s the best way I know to focus and remember where I was previously. I hope that’s okay. I could try to meditate and I’m sure I’ll still pay attention to Your cues and what the cards have to say for me but I think, as far as my personal relationship with you goes, a daily entry is a safe place to start. Perhaps during naptime.

Can you help me to at least remember that? I promise to do my best to keep our daily date if You’ll promise to walk with me while I change who I am. I want to be a completely different person than this person that I hate (I don’t mean physically. I mean action-based… you know this.) and I have plenty of evidence to prove that I obviously cannot do this on my own. I’m willing to do it your way.

Will you give me another chance? I sure would appreciate it.

With all my Love and Hope,
Jane

Dec 20th 2009

The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.

Carl Jung

I decided to have an alcoholic beverage last night. Considering that’s not something I choose to do very often, it only takes me about half a drink to feel, hmmm…lubricated *chuckle* I thoroughly enjoyed it though…I felt very relaxed and mellow, so I took advantage of the stillness and crawled right up into my bed and my proverbial shell, cuddled up with Mia and ruminated on 2009 coming to an end and all of the events that have occurred in the last year…

In reflection…

I think the brilliant quote above by Carl Jung accurately sums up the year for me personally…In the past year I’ve got to know and understand my immortal child spirit…I’ve learned how to provide safety, care, comfort and healing to this child spirit that dwells within me also…Essentially I’ve made peace with the Divine, and I’ve made peace with myself, as I exist today, as an adult…

I’ve had amazing miracles happen to me in the last year too…

Most unexpectedly and out of the clear blue sky, I received a very sincere apology from Wanda for all of the damage she brought upon my heart and my life…She asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive her? I must be honest, that was an apology I didn’t think I would EVER receive!…It came as a shock to me, because Wanda was always so prideful and stubborn in the past…However I’m fully aware of my own character defects after all…And even I’ve managed to battle through many of my personal shortcomings in such profound ways! Therefore, I was truly honored and touched to accept her apology and forgive her completely, unconditionally…

After all, I loved Wanda very deeply and she was my best friend and my heart…I allowed myself to become so very close and intimate with Wanda in a way that I’ve never done with another human being before…Of course, we were together for a very long time also…Which in the grand scheme of things, remains the fact, that at one time neither one of us could have imagined living without the other..Yet we had also become extremely toxic to each other over the years too…I loved Wanda so deeply but I never felt the proper chemistry with Wanda that I was supposed to either…I believe with all of my heart that Wanda and I were only meant to be the very best of friends, but mistakenly we became lovers instead, and then we progressed on to having a long-term relationship…A relationship that was lacking the essentials from the very beginning…Although after saying all of this, I maintain that Wanda was the most perplexing soulmate that I’ve ever had…Because I was closer to her than I’ve ever been to another human being in my entire life, and while it’s certainly true that I never felt any of the necessary sexual chemistry that I shared with Bahar or Jessica…I loved her so very much in spite of that anyway…I’ve learned much through my past experiences with Wanda…Unfortunately I had to learn that love all by itself is not enough to make a relationship everlasting …I was always sad and longing to feel something more for Wanda…Yet, each time our lips would meet, I felt nothing…Sexually, I felt strange, bored or nothing at all…It was hard for both of us, that I’m sure of…I would try to talk too Wanda about breaking up, so we could remain friends forever…But she wouldn’t hear of it…I tried to move to the other bedroom and she would come sleep with me wherever I was anyway, or beg me too come back to our bed…We could cuddle and hold each other very naturally though, there was never a problem there, however that would just wind up frustrating me sexually in the long run *sigh* I knew something very significant wasn’t right after all, but I was confused because this was my love and my partner throughout the years…But as fate would have it, eventually Wanda and I did end up destroying each other completely, both mentally and emotionally…Wanda would become so full of rage, to the point that she scared me very badly…It reminded me of my childhood and brought back some very traumatic events for me from my past…Yet, she still became more abusive over time anyway…As for me, I eventually became severely depressed and shut down emotionally…To the point that I felt no feelings whatsoever…But even then, she still didn’t want to let me go! That is of course until she found somebody else and then she let me go without effort, or so it seemed too me…But you know honestly I’ve worked through all of that stuff finally…Thanks to Bahar showing up in my life…Before Bahar’s arrival and her presence was felt in my heart, I never did deal with Wanda and I…

Foolishly, I tried to erase everything and sweep it all under the rug of forgetfulness…

I ate food with a vengeance and I bought and obtained stuff! Stuff that I thought would cure me and release me from the entire situation with Wanda…A few years ago I bought myself a motorcycle, and as a result I could have almost been killed…I landed myself a ride in an ambulance, strapped down, with the ambulance guys cutting my clothes off of my body with scissors on the way to the hospital…I suffered broken bones among various other misfortunes…So, after months of healing and missing work, riding a motorcycle was never the same for me again of course…Although I made myself ride again to face the fear, it just wasn’t the same…And I sold my motorcycle…That’s how I perceived myself getting over Wanda *chuckle*

Then I became heavily involved into the BDSM scene and learning the ways of being completely submissive…Physical pain became what I thought I needed to heal myself…Meanwhile, there was this deep and strong underlying feeling within me that I had to get myself psychological help to deal with my entire past at some time or another…But I was so frightened by the prospect of facing my fears, my inner demons and worst of all, my childhood…I knew until I found the courage to do this, I was essentially lost in the darkness…And the BDSM lifestyle is especially suited for those lost souls lost in the darkness after all…I never allowed myself to become sexual with anybody, but I would allow somebody to dominate me, completely…I was searching for somebody to give me what I thought I needed, physical pain…And there is/was no shortage of these kinds of people…

But among some of my darkest times, there came a gift, an incalculable treasure arrived for me about one year ago from this very day…Bahar…”My precious pumpkin”

When I was crawling around in the darkness, the only light that ever remained with me, was the hope of love…I waited and I waited for love to show up and finally it did…After 6 long and lonely years, love finally presented itself to me in the glorious form of the most exquisitely beautiful young woman, many miles away from her home…She is from a small island that sits upon the divine sea…Her love was an invaluable gift to me…If I had been rich beyond all measure by possessing all of the money and treasures in the world…I would have traded it all for the pleasure of loving Bahar, even for the short time I was allowed to be in her life, it would have been worth it all, and a fair trade to me…My memories of her will live on forever within the spirit of my heart and my mind…I’m awestruck by the enigmatic way(s) that one life can so profoundly touch the life of another…

Bahar inadvertently led me through a mystical door that truthfully I didn’t want to open with her, mostly due to our age difference..But she enchanted me in a way nobody else ever has before also, and from the very first time that my lips touched upon her lips, I knew she was the one I had waited on for so very long…But to further prove the fact that Bahar is truly my soulmate and it was our destiny to love one another…Divine intervention lead me too pick up and read this book recently, and this particular paragraph touched me so deeply that it literally brought tears to my eyes…This is who Bahar was too me, she is my lesson in loving someone so deeply and with all of my heart and soul…She remains my lesson with each passing day, as I learn to let go of her, and release her, despite the fact I love so very much, and despite how much it has hurt me to do this…Meanwhile at the same time, I’ve had to learn to trust in a power greater than myself…And I’ve had to learn the hard way, that looking at the big picture I have no control over anything but myself and that is actually the most monumental struggle I face…So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it was nothing short of spectacular fate, that this book and I obviously become acquainted with one another…

And this is what I was meant to read…

“A true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. Your soulmate’s purpose was to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it. That was her job, and she did it great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had such a short shelf life. So you miss her. Well then, send her some love and light every time you think about her, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of her because then you’ll really be alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess about this girl, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a door way. And guess what the universe will do with this doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.” (End of paragraph)

It may seem rather esoteric, but I firmly believe every word of the paragraph above…And yet I also believe that life and love are often serendipitous and as a result our individual destinies are the culmination of our lives being precisely and mysteriously intertwined together…I believe that we are given free will as human beings, of course…However, on the other hand I also believe that our souls are guided around by divine intervention and ultimately we are predestined to fulfill our personal destiny…Although, honestly I’m not certain why I believe this, but my heart and mind belong to the cosmic dimensions or universe, which ever you prefer…Just as I believe in both intelligent design, creationism, as well as evolution too…I believe that humans are guilty of being too presumptuous and conceited sometimes…Like we are capable of comprehending the spiritual realm, or God, for that matter…Nobody can tell me what to believe, and in general I do well to listen to that small still voice within my being that I call the Divine Spirit of Love (God). For you it might be Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Jehovah, or you may simply call it the conscience mind or instinct, I don’t care either way, it’s a personal decision for every individual after all…Which leads me to something I’ve been considering for quite some time now…It’s true that I only have about 7 or 8 weeks left before it’s Valentine’s day and I’ll be free to date if I choose too or pursue any possible love interest…But I don’t think I’m interested in doing anything like this, even after Valentine’s day has come and gone…If I seek the path of intimacy with another human being and get into a relationship in the next year, this will surely divert most of my attention away from the deep insightful work that I’ve begun…And most importantly, I’m very peaceful and happy with the way things are right now in my life…Therefore I’ve been seriously thinking about pursuing an even deeper spiritual relationship between myself and the Divine Spirit…I think for the next year I would like to dedicate my life too much deeper meditation, wisdom and guidance…

Although I believe that my soulmate will arrive when she is supposed to, therefore I need not concern myself with it anyway…And I should probably continue on with learning the fine art of living one day at a time, devoting myself to every moment…But I should also keep in mind how detrimental it is to want to stray ahead or too far behind…Optimal living can only be found in this very moment after all…

Movin on…

We cannot change anything until we accept it.

In the last year I voted for change…Although it’s brutally hard for me accept how little change has actually happened *sigh* I’ve been extremely disappointed by Obama. And this health care bill has become a fiasco for all Democrates…And as a liberal, progressive voter, I for one, feel betrayed by the lack of willingness by the Whitehouse to fight for something a lot better than what is being settled on, thus far…The house bill was at least acceptable, but the senate’s bill is incomprehensible…I mean c’mon, really! WTF are they thinking? Therefore I send a shout out to both Joe Liberman and Ben Nelson to fuck off! You dare to support the insurance companies and line your pockets with the same money the insurance companies deny people health care coverage with, and the result of this is these people’s blood are on your hands…How evil and greedy of the Republicans for being so obstructive throughout this whole process…But how especially shameful it is when it’s the folks I supported to make sweeping changes to an otherwise broken system, you know the change that was promised…Blah! And OMG! I can’t even get started on the Gay Rights issues this administration has failed so miserably to defend…

Otherwise this has been the greatest year of my entire life so far…Sure as an adult, it’s also been the most painful to date, but it’s ultimately been the year of my freedom in the end…The Freedom to Trust and Love without fear…

I need to go too bed now, considering I’ve got too get up at 4 a.m. My normal route isn’t running for the next several weeks so therefore I must fill in doing Andrew’s route since he is on vacation through Christmas and New Year…But I don’t have it so bad either…I have off Christmas Eve and Christmas day while I’m still getting paid for both days anyway…I love that! I’m getting paid like I’m working, but I’m not working! I’ll be having fun! And getting paid! *smile* On that note…I’ll say goodnight now and sweet dreams…

Most Sincerely…

When early in recovery, you may notice an emptiness in your life.  For me this was the loss of my old friends Jack Daniels, John Dewar and Johnnie Walker, and my Mexican friends Don Julio and Jose Cuervo.  This void was especially obvious around happy hour.  After getting sober many addicts will turn to new attachments like exercise, eating, smoking, drinking coffee, or even attending 12 step meetings to fill this void.  Problems can arise, however, when the new master turns out to be no less damaging to your life than the old one.

This innate feeling of incompleteness and the desire to fill it is not wrong by any means.  It is who we are as spiritual beings living this human existence.  As Gerald May states in his book Addiction and Grace ”authentic spiritual wholeness, by its very nature, is open ended” and it is “our God-given right to participate in ongoing creation.”  So the spiritual void that we addicts try to fill up with attachments like alcohol and drugs will not go away once we sober up.  The challenge is to accept, learn to cherish, and become comfortable with this void-not to constantly try to fill it with short-term satisfaction.  Through patience and faith the void will lead to doors of unimagined possibilities and the freedom of just being will become meaningful.

Related Links:
http://gracefulpresence.blogspot.com/2005/09/musings-on-spaciousness.html

In Alcoholics Anonymous, the Serenity Prayer and Lord’s Prayer are invoked at every meeting. These are prayed out loud, together, and in unity.

So, who are Christians praying with? Could be just about anyone, really. AA has Mormons, universalists, other Bible-believing Christians, followers of the new age Jesus, and numerous folks with their own custom-designed gods. You name it, you can probably find someone in AA who believes in it. As the AA Big Book (the AA “bible”) states, “We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we, believe to all men.”[1]

Christians in AA may not see it this way, but they are in agreement with a belief system that lifts up strange gods. (Amos 3:3) In Alcoholics Anonymous all gods are called the “higher power,” thus relegating Christ our King to commonality, as if He were simply one nameless deity among many.

“I am the Lord, that is My name. I will not give my glory to another, nor my praise to idols.” (Isaiah 42:8)

In 1941, Jack Alexander of the Saturday Evening Post wrote the article that provided AA its first national publicity. Describing AA’s “higher power,” Alexander noted the alcoholic “may choose to think of his Inner Self, the miracle of growth, a tree, man’s wonderment at the physical universe, the structure of the atom, or mere mathematical infinity. Whatever form is visualized, the neophyte is taught that he must rely on it and, in his own way, to pray to the Power for strength.”[2]

Nearly seventy years later this salad bar approach-make your own god-has seemingly become a cultural norm. “Spiritual” is in. “Religion” is out. Many Americans now refer to their god as “higher power.” This is simply to say that AA’s 12 Step program has made its mark (?) on the culture. REST Of ARTICLE: http://www.worldviewtimes.com/article.php/articleid-3477/Brannon-Howse/John-Lanagan

Yes, you are right. This is one of the Archive classics.

You have called yourself here. Like waking yourself up from a dream. You are now waking up. You can recognize the events in your life that are drawing you to one incredible realization. You are a creator. You Are infinitely connected to everything. You have access to everything you ever need. You have solutions to every problem you thought you had. Problems are beginning to disappear according to your willingness to let them go. Life and the universe are at your bidding according to your faith. So now we will exercise your faith. Your faith is strengthening daily and your ability to notice the creations of your mind materialize before you is improving. Your ability to notice this increases your conditioning to your awakening of your Higher Self, which has only been there but you have subdued it with the madness of the ego. Now the ego is becoming silent. You are conditioning your body, letting go of the madness, and realizing that the universe wants to answer your calls. It wants to answer to the creation inside of you.

The more rapidly you let go of your doubts and skepticism the easier it is for you to feel and embrace being awake. This is not something you have to seek after, you only need to realize and accept.

As you awaken you will naturally become a light for others. They will be drawn to you as you are naturally drawn to others more awake than yourself. This is the most powerful force in the universe. It is the power of love, truth, and abundance. This force is in you and it is you. Be this every moment and if a moment passes where you doubt this or wonder where it is than separate yourself from that emotion and remember who you are. You are love, you are truth, you are abundance. You are all that is and ever was. You are one with God and he with you. You are one in the same, only needing to awaken to that truth. Together we will awaken each other fully and experience all the promise that is there for us in this ascension to our selves.

This is my prayer for you today. To be the Divine you that you are.

Paul Kohler

I slept in this morning and didn’t have time to make my omelet, so I had a kbar and v8 instead.

We are listening to tapes right now. I didn’t share (as of yet). I just feel tired today – gonna listen now.

**

The tape we listened to today talked about fear. The group took turns sharing about good vs. bad fears and what their individual fears were. I talked about my fear of losing T. I know its irrational that J and S have no current plans of moving or leaving – but just the mention of it scares me to my core. So today I ask my HP to help me live in today and enjoy it and not to fear what may happen tomorrow – after all tomorrow I might be dead!

I had 2 fig bars. (1 serving size). Not in my POE but I was responsible enough not to eat 10. I will stay on POE for the rest of the day! I might have had a tiny slip from POE but I remain abstinent and did not compulsively overeat!

**

I have been trying to look ‘inward’ and do an inventory as the ‘big book’ says to. I am also a compulsive liar. – I’ve lied to everyone – everyone at some point and  usually over something little and of no real importance – sometimes to make a story more elaborate or sometimes so I have a story to tell. I have been nothing but 100% honest at my OA meetings – although I recall wanting to tell a lie at the meeting today – my HP must have stopped me because nothing else ever has. I can’t even begin to list the lies because the are so inconsequential that I usually forget as soon as I tell them. Here is one I have told people- that my doctor told me to check my blood or that when I asked questions she put me off saying ‘we’d go over it at my next appointment’. All lies! I was never told to get a glucose meter to begin testing my blood. Nothing- I haven’t even talked to the Dr. since she called and told me I had type 1 diabetes and that I would have to start diabetic counseling and that my family Dr. would go over everything at my follow-up appointment.

I am from this point on turning over not only my compulsion to overeat but also my compulsion to lie both over to my HP. I know I can’t control these things on my own and I need my HP’s help.

**

Plan on taking the girls to SHpark in the morning for a hike – as long as it’s not raining. Think I’m gonna check the park out before I tell J about it. Did pretty good today. Ate a low-fat fig bar at home this evening but didn’t eat all of my noodles. Okay tomorrow B.-v8, kbar (omelet if its raining) / L.- turkey on what with yogurt unless I remember to take some money and buy a new head of lettuce on the way home from my walk, itc , large salad and yogurt, v8 / S.-almonds / D.- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup with side salad. I have to admit that so far the POE has been a very useful tool in the 301 plan. I’ll find out Monday how much I’ve lost, but even if it’s not a lot (or hell none). I feel better on average than I have in a while and thats definitely something to be thankful for. Thanks HP!

Ground was still pretty wet, but I took the girls out on a walk anyway. It must be pretty humid out cause  the sweat is just pouring off of me.

Precious got her hair cut yesterday and I can’t get over how skinny she looks. These walks have really slimmed her down a bit. She is still usually the caboose of our walking train. Tweedles pulling the leash ahead of me and Precious trailing behind. Lol. Think I’m gonna give mom a quick call ‘fore I start stuff around here.

**

I think I actually accomplished everything I wanted to before work – of course the fact that I couldn’t get ‘Lost’ to play on my ’puter probably has something to do with it. I think my car might be dying. I really hope not cause I don’t know how I can afford another one.

I talked to BS little bit last night and kinda put it out there that I needed straps on the dress. HP please help me to swallow my fears and let everything work out. I want BS to have a beautiful day.

God it’s muggy out today – kind of day where it feels like you could reach out and wring water from air.

I’m starting to miss T. Its been nice having the house to myself, but I’m ready for her to come home.

**

Mark it on the calendar – I got everything done that I planned to today and I think I’ll sleep good tonight!

B.- kbar, v8 (or egg muffin)/ L.- turkey on wheat and cottage cheese and v8 (or large salad and egg muffin) / D.- something sensible at restaurant / S.-almonds and bowl of chex if needed.

Stayed on POE today – fish at dinner was lousy. I think it was a little freezer burned. 4 days abstinent! 12:45am and I’m totally done in.

CF and MH’s birthday is today. I wonder how RH is – I hardly think of him – hard to believe.

I went back into my disease yesterday It is going to be hard for me around mom- first she makes comments like “sounds boring” about my meetings and then says things like “I think I’m a compulsive eater too! I think everyone is!”. She doesn’t understand and I feel like she belittles my efforts. Other than the few moments when OA was discussed I had a great time.

 Getting back on track today. For breakfast I had a Special K cereal bar. For lunch- v8, turkey on wheat, yogurt. For dinner tonight chicken patti sandwich, side salad, applesauce. I’m going to eat my 25 almonds as a snack at the Career Link tonight. A little late with the POE but I feel better about  staying on track at home. There were just too many temptations at the ‘rents than I could handle. My HP helped me from going way off the deep end, and also to start again today without wallowing in guilt over yesterday. My HP actually woke me up at 8 this morning without my alarm, but I didn’t want to get back on track, so I shut my HP out and went back to bed. This disease will not beat me however many times I slip. I will stand tall.

A hawk just flew over and screeched – I’ve seen hawks all my life – but thats the first time I’ve heard one screech. Sounds exactly like it does on tv. Cool!

**

What a day – got hardly anything accomplished-feel drained.

POE for tomorrow. B.-cereal bar and v8/ L.-Turkey on wheat and cottage cheese and v8/ D.- chicken, pasta (alfredo packet?), side salad, 1/2 can of peas/ S.-25 almonds during work. Going to try getting up to walk tomorrow. Got the alarm all set. Stayed on POE today. Restarting count- 1 day abstinent!

For this alcoholic, the journey of my addiction led me into isolation as if I was walking through a desert alone.  The belief that I was in control of my consumption and that next time things would be different was the oasis I was seeking, but this belief always turned into a mirage when the euphoric effect of the alcohol wore off and I found myself even deeper into the isolation of the desert of my addiction.  As within any desert, there was deprivation of many kinds with my alcoholism.  Not only were basic necessities of life like food and water subordinate to my addiction, I also shunned those near and dear to me and placed the relationship I had with the booze above all else-including God. 

In his book Addiction and Grace Gerald May states “with major addictions, the desert can grow to encompass all of life: every habit may be exposed to the searing, purifying sun; every false prop is vulnerable to relinquishment; and one can be left truly dependent upon the grace of God for sustenance.”  In other words, the folly of seeking answers in isolation with my drug of choice was exposed when I had moments of clarity and could have an objective view, and it was only through developing a relationship with my Higher Power that I was be able to find my way out of the desert of my addiction.  During my journey through the desert, however, there have been many wide open spaces with no discernable landmarks to guide my way.  Without being able to have faith that God would guide me in the right direction, I might have given up.  But much like the Israelite’s journey through the desert to the promised land, my journey with my Higher Power has brought me into the garden of recovery where I have found freedom from the slavery of isolation and my addiction.

Related Links:
http://alcoholism.about.com/od/study/a/step_three.htm
http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaworkstep3.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_2085939_work-step-three-aa.html

A story without an end is meaningless.

Every second of every day contains countless ends, countless beginnings. Throughout the world stories flow and pulse, from adult to child, from earth to stone, from water to air; every one a beginning and an end.

An end is a beginning, a beginning an end. One and the same.

So following that logic through, any moment of any present, past or future represents an infinite number of stories, an infinite number of beginnings and endings; stories that have always been told, stories that will never be told, and everything inbetween.

If a story is never told to a single soul, does it still exist?

And so, if stories are the infinite extreme, it only follows they must also be the polar opposite. A beginning is an end, destruction is creation, everything is nothing, infinity is one.

One story. One story so great, so all-encompassing, so overwhelming as to be beyond comprehension; but a single story nonetheless. A single narrative made up of an infinite number of smaller ones, each in turn made up of an infinite number of smaller ones, each in turn, each in turn, each in turn…

All and nothing. Destruction and creation. Beginning and end.

This, my friend, is what happens when I go two weeks without sleep and force myself to write blog every day.

Hospitals are strange and liminal places; focal points of stories and experience, but by their nature temporary. They’re halfway houses; stepping stones; no mans land.

Beginnings and Ends. Destruction and Creation. Life and Death. One and the same.

Hm.

God, it really is all one big, cosmic joke isn’t it? As long as you can laugh at it, it’s all one great, divine comedy.

We’re lucky to have that capacity.

No matter how much pain you’re caused, no matter how much shit you’re forced to shovel through, no matter how much degradation and suffering you and those you love are burdened with all it takes is a laugh, and for a few brief moments you’re completely, utterly untouchable.

Bulletproof.

As entities go that’s an extremely valuable skill.

Time changes us so much. Who were you 12 months ago? 5 years ago? At the age of 9? Of 2? 4 months after conception? We think differently, we react differently, we look different… on a cellular level we’re completely new every few years. An old, old broom that’s had the head and the handle replaced again and again and again.

My but this is disjointed. And why shouldn’t it be? Stream of consciousness is as it is; flowing, eddying, trickling in turn – meandering slow, cutting through field and rock alike, wearing out the world. Beginnings and Endings. Endings and Beginnings.

If there’s a higher power I believe in, it’s The Story. Stories define us. They change the way we think, the way we feel… give it long enough and the right story can start, finish or maintain absolutely anything. Everything. We’re all of us part of the same great narrative; everything experienced, happy or sad, is an equally vital and indecipherable part of a plot device of monumental proportion. Our past is Story, our future is Story, and our present is where the two meet; where the stories are told.

Whether or not you choose to take comfort in that is up to you.

-Brice out.

Recognizing when our addictive mind is trying to grab hold of our thoughts (and life) is key to staying clean and sober.  The addictive mind, which we shall call “The Beast“, is a very cunning adversary.  It is made up of a combination of negative attitudes, distorted thinking, and intense resistance to change.  Oftentimes The Beast can start an argument inside our head between our rational mind and our old ways of thinking without us even recognizing it. 
In our daily lives we can encounter many triggers such as TV commercials, arguments with significant others, and even something as mundane as a certain smell.  If not recognized and interrupted from the start, The Beast can use these impulses as the start of a craving which can lead to relapse.  The process goes something like this:

• Visualization-this can be either positive or negative.  For instance you can visualize the damage to your life that picking up and using again will cause (negative), or you can visualize putting The Beast back in its cage and locking the door (positive).
• Deep Breathing-this is a common relaxation technique whereby filling your lungs with air and letting it out slowly at least three times will result in a calmness in your body.
• Pick up the phone-sharing your feelings about people, places, and things is a good way for you to hear your own feelings about things going on in your life, and it gives you the opportunity to hear some rational feedback from someone else.  Calling someone also takes time during which the physical part of the craving may pass.
• Prayer and Meditation-asking our higher power for help and direction will help us recognize that we are not alone in dealing with life and our recovery.

Keeping The Beast in its cage and recognizing when the cage door may be opening is paramount to surviving and thriving in our recovery.  These are some simple techniques to arrest the progression of a relapse.  With practice and experience they will become easier to adopt.  If you have ideas or techniques of your own that are not mentioned here, feel free to leave comments and share them with others.

One of pro-AA author Dick B.’s more recent books is ‘The Conversion of Bill W.,’ a sadly misleading title considering everything AA cofounder Bill Wilson was involved in. In experiments in the 1950s, hoping alcoholics could be helped by LSD, Bill Wilson stated, “It is a generally acknowledged fact in spiritual development that ego reduction makes the influx of God’s grace possible. If, therefore, under LSD we can have a temporary reduction, so we can better see where we are going-well, that might be of some help. The goal might become clearer.”[21]

Call me legalistic, but LSD to facilitate “the influx of God’s grace” doesn’t sound all that Biblical.

Wilson’s explanation for choosing the triangle within the circle as AA’s symbol is equally pagan. In ‘Alcoholics Anonymous Comes Of Age,’ he writes, “That we have chosen this symbol is perhaps no mere accident. The priests and seers of antiquity regarded the circle enclosing the triangle as a means of warding off spirits of evil, and AA’s circle of Recovery, Unity, and Service has certainly meant all that to us and much more.”[22] See: http://www.worldviewtimes.com/article.php/articleid-3537/Brannon-Howse/John-Lanagan

There is a battle going on. The past, the actual nature of AA’s creation, has been presented as Christian. Although he received the 12 Steps from a familiar spirit, we have been told the 12 Steps are Biblical in origin. This is simply not so. Most would be absolutely astounded to discover what Bill Wilson, the man who “wrote” the 12 Steps, was involved in. See: http://mywordlikefire.wordpress.com/2008/09/24/seances-spirits-and-12-steps/

Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, in rebellion against Christ, nevertheless loved their fellow alcoholics. But then, ultimately, what is love? Is love leading people away from eternity with the One True God?

You may have read about Bill Wilson’s drunken trek to the mission’s altar. Some have used this as “evidence” that he came to Christ. Yet Bill Wilson, of course, was never a Christian. Biographer Francis Hartigan was the secretary for Lois Wilson, Bill’s wife, for thirteen years. He had many conversations with Lois about Bill. He writes, ““[A.A. cofounder Bill Wilson's] belief in God might have become unshakeable, but he could never embrace any theology or even the divinity of Jesus, and he went to his grave unable to give his own personal idea of God much definition. In this sense, he was never very far removed from the unbelievers.”(Bold mine) –From ‘Bill W.’ by Francis Hartigan, pg. 123

Who is our God? Is He holy and righteous? Or just our good, good buddy, like the creature portrayed as “god” in The Shack? The enemy is clever. Although many Christians are wary of AA, the 12 Steps are considered necessary, so we still use them with Christ as “higher power.”

You must not do as they do in Egypt, where you used to live, and you must not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you. Do not follow their practices. (Leviticus 18:3)

T.A. McMahon, Editor of the Berean Call, writes, “A.A.’s official biography indicates Bill Wilson received the details of the 12 Steps through spirit dictation. Does anyone see a simple, idolatrous problem here?”

McMahon then addresses the well meaning effort to offer “Christ centered” 12 Step support groups. “But what about evangelicals just using the methodology the familiar spirit gave to Bill Wilson? Simple again: God condemns the source, and the approach is contrary to the way He wants to transform our lives. Furthermore, why turn to such a spiritually toxic system? Where are the evangelical pastors’ heads in this?”

In writing about all this, I have failed in several areas. Many Christians who participate and promote AA and the 12 Steps have no Fear of the Lord. Indeed, few Christians even think about God in these terms.  Judgment, righteousness, wrath, these are not popular with people. But it is this very understanding of God that would keep us safe from incursions like the 12 Steps, and The Shack, and so much else. Hopefully, we can soon see how the Lord sees Himself through His Word. 

While it has been necessary to show just what Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith really believed, and the various anti-Biblical activities they engaged in, it is time to deal with our understanding of the Biblical God. The God of grace and holiness. The 12 Steps never came from Christ, and are not blessed by our God. I will stand on that statement. It very much matters where they came from.

Writing about AA is like trying to peel layers from an onion. As a culture we have accepted many untruths. For instance, if you have been in AA you have certainly heard many times how only AA can help. This is not so. Yet you have never been warned about the emotional damage that people have suffered in AA.

This is why a non-believer has written the book, AA Horror Stories. This book has its share of profanity, as these are worldly people, but it also courageously tells what many suffer in 12 Step spirituality. So much unreported damage to people. AA has the media behind it, and education, and the courts. Even though AA has been ruled as religious by the U.S. Supreme Court, many still get mandated into 12 Step spirituality. So much for the Constitution.

It is amazing, also, the way Christians are portrayed in AA, how the church is supposedly cold and cruel and totally without understanding when it comes to dealing with alcoholics.  And we have our pin-heads, no doubt about it. But AA has damaged many, while simultaneously convincing the culture it is the only hope.

Alcoholism is miserable. Do not hesitate to invite AA members to your church, and tell them of Christ. Love them as He loves them. We weren’t so wonderful ourselves. Remember? We still aren’t…but, incredibly, we are clothed in the righteousness of Christ…and this is the grace-filled Truth.

Hard Truth About Alcoholics Anonymous: http://mywordlikefire.wordpress.com/2009/06/16/hard-truth-about-alcoholics-anonymous-2/

Dec 13th 2009

This weekend has been filled with miracles, love, happiness and relaxation…For which I’m sincerely thankful and grateful from the bottom of my heart…

I’m so very pleased to report that my Brother and I are getting along exceptionally well…Last night he actually came to me for some comfort , while shedding many tears and with deep pain in his heart…I felt honored indeed…I was gentle and compassionate with him of course, I listened mostly and only shared my wisdom with him when he would ask me to…This is remarkable progress for him and I! I discovered something rather amazing about him as well, that he and I love in a very similar way…We both love very deeply and with all of our hearts and souls…I had no idea! Anyway, he expressed his sadness and shared the fact that he has lost his soulmate…I’ve never heard anything of this nature from him before…He told me that he loved this particular girl so much because she is a very good and loving person and described her as being very comparable to me…Which my Sunshine said that her and I were very much alike as well…Upon meeting my Brother’s girlfriend Sunshine told me that she fell instantly in love with her and thoroughly enjoyed her company…

So what do you know, I thought my Brother has always despised me for being the way that I am…And now from his mouth to my ears, he tells me that the very reason that he loves this girl so much, is because her character resembles mine so closely…Words couldn’t begin to express how dumbfounded I am by this revelation…All of this time, my Brother was actually paying attention after all, and amazingly enough he tells me that he deeply respects me for my courageous character and remaining true to myself (As a lesbian) when I was under such pressure to be otherwise…Wow, is the best expression that I can come up with at this very moment…And you know? It’s funny how fate and destiny play their parts throughout our lives…In the last year, I’ve been severely overcome with emotion and heartache, which ultimately led me to seek the help that I needed…But I had become mentally exhausted by the knowledge of my Brother’s return also…And yet miracles never cease to happen either…My Brother is home and I’m sharing my recovery knowledge and the 12 steps with him so he can recover from his profound addictions too…Plus I’ve begun discussing our family’s mental issues and inherited characteristics with him as well…Although I must be careful and patient to only speak with him about something that intricate and personal when he wishes to communicate openly and honestly…

I stood in my front yard today looking with amazement and wonder at my beautiful new driveway that my Brother made for me…So I can park my car without having to step in sand or dirt anymore…Plus, he raked up all the leaves in the yard too…I find that I’m now overcome and at a loss for words to say anything more about my Brother at this time…

Therefore, moving on…

Ashton and I had a beautiful time together yesterday, we watched (rock n roll) music videos for a while and then a Joan Jett video for Bad Reputation came on! Well, of course I got so very excited by this, and told him all about how special she is to me…He simply looked at me, purred like a cat, and gave me a wink and a thumbs up, so I think he liked her! *Chuckle* He does this purring thing now when he see’s an attractive girl-woman, which I swear just cracks me up into pieces! I love him so much! He is the apple of my eye and the love of my life…His teacher at school has recently suggested that he might suffer from attention deficit disorder, slightly autistic, and perhaps dyslexic as well…I’m not sure how to process this particular information yet? But my little man is very intelligent, with a heart full of love, kindness and compassion, that much I know for a fact…And if this turns out to be true after all, I will educate and inform myself fully about his condition…And I shall always comfort him when these burdens get hard to bear…He will always remain my very best compadre to hang out with…You know, in truth I’ve thoroughly enjoyed all of my family’s company lately though…Again a miracle in itself…And I find that my heart is overflowing with peace, love and happiness…For which I’m forever grateful…

I won a safety award at work *proudly* and I received a certificate to buy anything I wanted up to $50…So I bought Ashton and I this really nice, warm and comfy sleeping bag to lay in at night to do our stargazing together…I’m seriously pondering buying him a state of the art telescope…But good grief there is so much to learn about all of the different types of telescopes out there too choose from…So I’m reading and learning a little more each day…Although I’m also starting to consider a really good pair of binoculars to explore our universe instead of the telescope, but the best binoculars that I can afford to buy, unfortunately, seem to be rather heavy too…Though in the end I’ll make the best educated and well-informed decision…As I always do…

Amidst all of this joy I’m experiencing however, something very mystifying happened to me last night…About 3 or 4 in the morning, I started to feel Bahar’s spirit upon me very strongly and intensely…My skin was crawling with her and my skin felt electrified, like it used to when she touched me…And my senses became altogether aroused and inflamed…I felt unexpectedly overwhelmed by all of this, because these feelings literally came out of nowhere…But afterwards I fell into a deep sleep and when I woke up, 7 pounds was on T.V.

I suppose this is just another mystery that I’ll never be able to fully understand though…Because if I tell you that our paths converging is serendiptous…Or what if I say that I believe that neither one of us stood a chance against Kismet and a twist of fate…Or what if I continue to think that she is indeed my soulmate, despite the facts…And what if I attempt to express myself by writing out loud, that I still love her so deeply that I can feel her spirit sometimes??? Well then, wouldn’t you say back to me that I’m justifiably foolish and absurd! And perhaps I’m guilty of watching too many movies and dreaming too much? I’m certain that you would probably be thinking it at the very least…

Although I will choose to end here (for now) by reminding myself of this…The universe is unfathomable, vast and mysterious…Anything can happen if you believe that it can…Everybody has potential…And I believe with all of my heart and soul, that love alone, and above all, possesses possibility beyond our wildest comprehension…

There are several movies and songs that we all have heard or seen that have inspired questions and debates. This is the purpose of these movies. Though it must be said that not all media is ‘touched by the hand of God.’ (From The greatest Miracle in the World – Og Mandino)
Then it comes from a personal perspective which ones are which? That answer has to do with your own connection to your higher power. Are you in tune with the Universe and the Matrix of energy?

Or are you fumbling through the dark, worried about bills, people, what they think, and how to act? These questions you can only answer for yourself.

The spiritual awakening has occured. I have new definition to an existing ideal of who I am and who I choose to be. The path is simple yet I make it complex. (Refer to list of the enlightened one above.)
I must choose to stay here, though I have moments of falling into my humanity. Today was a prime example.

Yes. I saw your bike. Then I saw her. Immediately I was gripped in fear. I chose to not notice, cross the street and keep on going.

Half a block away, I saw the silliness in my actions. My ego had taken over in seconds. I must look a certain way, this cold sore would not be benifiting to meeting you again. I had to laugh. Really? After all that reading and spiritual growth I was still smarting from my own ego. Okay so I forgive myself for my ego. I ask God for forgiveness. I seek the opportunity to do it right. What is that anyway?

The first coffee shop is out of business. Damn, there goes my bagel and coffee for Saturday. I keep walking, thinking that there is a bagel shop near Frys. After a brief stop in circle K to get my first cup of java, I head that way. I find my center quickly, thank you God for that. It is closed as well. Now I am at a crossroads, deciding what to do. There are things to get done today but I am following the advice of Iyanla Vanzant.
Today I am self absorbed, self serving. For twenty four hours. Its a challenge to take care of me, and I have accepted. I head back to the corner and ask; What now? The voiice spoke clearly; Country Club and Main.
Okay not one for doubting the voice I headed to the bus stop. Immersed in my latest reading, ‘Building Fiction by Jesse Lee Kercheval’ I got off the bus. I thought briefly that I could catch the 112 toward Walmart and find a place to be on the internet then get the shopping done. Around the corner is the bike, still there. Silently I prayed, God I offer myself to thee. The thought came quickly; Fear not for I am with you. I breathed easier. My mantra began.

I am love.
I speak in love.
I breathe in love.
I think in love.
I act in love.
I am love.

No words are spoken, no turning of the head. I am on a mission to gather the information I need for the next book. Thats when I felt it. When I am in a place of center I know exactly what situations to avoid and which I am to be apart of. There is a service I can do for others then I walk into the lion’s den without fear.
This was not one of those times. The energy moved to encompass mine, gently rebuffed by own firm belief in who I am. There was fear there, anger? maybe harder to discern, mostly I felt a possiveness. There is nothing for me to do here. I can only keep walking, keep believing that every soul has their own journey to walk. We are all on schedule to ‘wake up.’ In God’s infinite time.

This is a great opportunity to practice powerlessness.

Further on I find an outlet to plug into the world of cyberspace. Here I sit, later a friend and I are going to the movies.

It is not enough to know the secrets of the universe. It is not enough to simply have the knowledge.

Wisdom comes from practice.

Today I am reaching the level of Master.
Master of Love.
Today I am relying on my spiritual guide.
Today I am Free.

A master is only a master because he creates more masters. I seek to help other’s wake up from the sleep we walk on a daily basis. This is the new addition to an already existing purpose. Sometimes it is only by walking the path that others can be liberated.

With Love, Rochelle

Author, The Stone People

http://www.rochellefoulk.wordpress.com

I am an avid fan of House.  I can’t say I was a fan from the beginning as I only discovered the show recently and was surprised it was already into its 6th season.  On Thursday, USA Network featured the Words and Deeds rerun of House, M.D. from season three, January 2007.

Fans of the show will know this episode where Detective Tritter is trying to nail Dr. Greg House for his vicodin addiction.  As House works on Day Two of rehab there’s a sharp exchange about working the steps:

THERAPIST: He may never be ready, you’re doing the only thing you can do, keep trying. How about you Greg? You thought about how to fix things with people in your life?

HOUSE: No need, people in my life have no expectations of me, makes all our lives easier.

THERAPIST: Apparently not. The first step in recovery…

HOUSE: [cuts him off] Is admitting I have a problem, I’ve obviously already done that or I wouldn’t be here. I’ve even embraced step 2, I’ve admitted there’s a higher power, may not be a god perse…[Therapist nods in acceptance] but that Andre the giant guy was powerful. Where I start to butt up against it is step 3, surrendering my will to this higher power. I’m sure Andre’s ghost has my back and all but my free will, I never leave home without it.

THERAPIST: Kinda like your pills. If you could do this on your own I assume you wouldn’t be here.

HOUSE: [thinks about it] True.

I can relate all to easily to Dr. House in asking the 3rd Step question:  make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

Last week I attended a beginner’s Al Anon meeting where I heard one of the Al Anon lifers or black belts talk about how the third step is always the toughest.  I don’t see any of them in a cake walk.

But the group leader last week talked about the 3rd step as a big tripping block.  If you deal in an world of absolutes, i.e. it’s free will versus a deterministic God, then I can see where and why people will fall out.

My own faith experience tells me something different.  I don’t believe God has an IEP for each and every one of us.  Please excuse the acronym.  IEP is Individual Education Plan.  Parents in the United States who have children with developmental disabilities will recognize it right away. I simply can’t worship a God of individual design. I cannot reconcile this against the conditions of people in Darfur, what people on Sumatra experienced on December 26, 2004 or what happened to God’s chosen people in Dachau.

So what do I believe in?

I am beginning to understand the fear and reluctance I cling to in engaging the 12 Steps.  It feels like I’m tentatively putting a toe down on the third step but withholding the rest of my being.  My ego’s need for certainty and control keeps me from embracing my own understanding of God.  Today’s reflection from One Day At A Time in Al Anon helps me some with my control issues.

“The central truth to all worship, creed, church or dogma is that God is the essence of our being, and this is the spiritual idea of Al-Anon.

….However we regard Him, or even if we do not recognize Him at all, He is always there, within us, within every thing and every person in the universe, constantly available for our help if we are willing to accept.  How well we use the consciousness of God in our daily lives depends not on Him, but on us.

As I have looked at step three I’ve been confused about turning my will and my life over to a higher power because I have viewed God as a Being external to me.  If my higher power or God is the essence of my being – the life and sense of being I perhaps was created to fulfill – then I can see where this becomes more easily reconciled.  Yet, at the same time, it becomes the challenge of a lifetime.

As a perfectionist, my ego has not served me well.  Through the experience of dealing with my wife’s alcoholism, I have come to learn much about myself and the source of my worst habits such as procrastination and its accompanying irrational beliefs and unrealistic expectations.  This is where my ego has driven me.  I fear making commitments, developing relationships and the required trust in people and the self-respect needed to sustain these aspects of life.  And I have detached from many of my emotions both the healthy and unhealthy.

Since I began working the steps and practicing mindfulness, I now pay attention to a more wholistic sense of being.  This includes more than just my thoughts but also my emotions.  I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now.  He articulates some of what I am experiencing in working the steps.

A more powerful point of reference for me has been the podcasts offered through the Insight Meditation Center at ZenCast and AudioDharma. And perhaps the most impactful understanding from AudioDharma has come from the simple question:  what am I ignoring?

In my relationship with my wife as an alcoholic, I saw first her disease and ignored her humanity.  As I shifted the focus away from my alcoholic wife to me, I saw the problem was in the mirror.  As I begin to focus on mindfulness and God’s presence within my life, I still struggle with the discipline of stopping and turning over worries, anxieties, problems, questions, decisions – all of these things over to this God.

If I am to attain the inner peace I seek, it means changing my life habits, long held beliefs and world views that have blocked me from realizing this higher essence, and letting go of my ego and the need for control and certainty.

This is why people fall short.  This is difficult work–not for the feint of heart.  It requires staying atuned to a wholistic presence in both word and deed each and every moment of the day to myself and the people in my life.