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I am taking part in Movember this November. This means I shave my face and grow a mustache for thirty days.

I am nervous about doing this as, although I have a beard, the section between my nose and upper lip is wispy and blonde. My Mo isn’t very impressive. When I described my predicament to my friend a while ago she said that this month is going to be less like Mo-vember and more like No-vember. Her pun backfired and she felt pretty stupid.

In July I gave personalised drawing to every one who donated to my Dry July cause. This November I will be producing paintings all month of mustached men. The paintings will be up for sale. 50% of the sale will go to the Movember charities supporting the fight against testicular cancer and men’s depression. Below is the first paintings up for grabs. It’s an old favourite.

Five Ways To Dust a Cookie, Acrylic on MDF, 200cm x 60cm (2008)

$2,000

The prices of the paintings will vary from between $100 to $2,000.

I will take requests for paintings and we can talk price from there. Stay tuned for more artworks to come. I am also taking part in weekly videos tracking my progress. LETS GET HAIRY!

If you want to buy a painting just contact me.

If you would just like to make a straight donation view my Movember profile here.

While people can duplicate his moves, I doubt anyone will change the game like he did. His fame went beyond basketball, I think for a moment in 1992 Michael Jordan endorsed at least 30% of all products on sale in America. He was in a movie with Bugs Bunny. And he is the only human being on earth since World War II to successfully wear a Hitler mustache.

Look at his casual insouciance. He is owning that Hitler mustache. This is a type of facial hair that has been synonymous with genocidal evil for over seventy years. I don’t even know what it’s called other than “Hitler Mustache,” yet MJ knows that on his mug, that mustache will sell a lot of Hanes underwear.

Could Kobe Bryant wear a Hitler mustache? No. First off all, he eats Nutella and grew up in Europe, so he’s a little too close to the subject matter to wear it with the proper distance. Who knows what sort of European ideas Kobe was exposed to as a child? Socialized medicine? Labor unions? Just a stepping stone on the way to National Socialism and trains running on time.

Could Lebron James wear a Hitler mustache? No, Lebron is a guy who seems to have no natural fashion sense of his own whatsoever. He constantly looks like his mother dressed him in Pharrell’s  hand-me-downs.  He looks like he went dumpster diving at Urban Outfitters. No one looks more goofy and uncomfortable in the new NBA uniform of black rimmed glasses than Lebron. Remember, the key to wearing a Hitler mustache is to have the swagger to own it. If Lebron can’t own a cardigan, how is he going to own the most evil facial hair on earth?

Ironically enough, the one guy who I thought could be the “Next Jordan” for a second was the one guy the NBA couldn’t dread more: Allen Iverson. In terms of matching up with Jordan in his prime on a “one guy against another entire team” level (think of Jordan dropping 63 against the Boston Celtics in the 1986 playoffs), Iverson’s effort against the Kobe/Shaq Lakers in 2001 is the only thing I can think of that’s close. Just like Jordan in ’86, Iverson’s teammates in 2001 were mostly scrubs. And again, like Jordan, Iverson was going up against the dominant team of that era and the eventual NBA champ.  The 2001 Lakers had not lost a single playoff game going into that Game 1 versus Iverson’s Sixers. Iverson scored 48 points, and beat a team that included Kobe and Shaq in their prime, essentially by himself.

Iverson was David Stern’s marketing department’s worst nightmare. He was corn-rowed, tatted up, and he probably wasn’t going to sell any Wheaties. However, he did have a lot of style and swagger.  It seems passé to talk about now that we live in an era where NBA players want to dress like Les Nessman or Herb from WKRP in Cincinnati, but AI was the first NBA player to really bring street style to NBA. Homeboy had a neck tattoo in like 1998.

While he certainly didn’t have elegance or sartorial splendor, Allen Iverson looked a hell of a lot more comfortable in his doo rag and fitted than any of these guys look dressed like an inbred British public school student or Willy Loman’s bowling partner.  And since he was already hated by most of the country, I bet AI could have pulled off a Hitler mustache.  15 seconds with Photoshop confirms my hunch:

Posters of President Obama were hanging from the table, with one addition: someone had drawn Hitler-style mustaches on his face.

I had never before encountered anyone, face-to-face, openly spewing the Obama-is-Hitler invective, and I wondered, when will some old Jewish lady walk up and slap this guy? Comparing health care coverage, or progressive tax proposals, or whatever it is they object to, to anything Hitler did? Doesn’t that belittle the suffering and deaths of the millions of people Hitler locked up and killed?

And that’s not to mention how offensive it is to the man himself, or how irresponsible it is to inflame the public dialogue about politics to the “you’re Hitler” level.

Or how offensive it is to Obama supporters like me, to call us, by extension, Nazis.

And maybe the most frustrating, blood-boiling part of it is how ignorant it is. What kind of conversation can you have with such maliciously daft people?

Someone should school this jerk, I thought – perferably someone other than me. But no one seemed to be complaining at all. Maybe they were too polite or too intimidated, I thought. But why? What’s so hard about calmly objecting to this kind of deceptive, hostile, inflamatory rhetoric? It would be wrong not to say anything, I thought.

But I worried: What if this guy is dangerously crazy? I don’t want to get into it with someone who’s willing to stand on the street with vandalized posters of the president calling him Hitler. He might beat me up, or kill my pets.

The whole time I waited in line, filled out forms and paid for the postage, I debated. Finally I decided, if he says nothing to me, I’ll say nothing, but if he pitches his cause to me, I’ll simply make him aware that what he and his group (listed on the flyers) are saying is controversial and offensive. Maybe they just hang out with each other all day and don’t even realize that to other people, what they’re saying isn’t acceptable.

So, trembling with fear (I’m very cowardly), I walked back outside, right by the table. Sure enough, as I approached, he called to me, “Are you ready to stop Obama?”

I asked, “Um, is that supposed to be a Hitler mustache?”

“Yes,” he said. “Yes, it is.”

I said, in a carefully even, matter-of-fact tone, “That’s offensive.”

He promptly replied, “That’s offeh-en-sive,” in a sing-song tone, mocking me.

Eyebrows raised, I hesitated for a moment, inwardly stifling comments like, “what are you, 12?” and “wow, good one,” then just kept walking.

Well, I thought naively, at least now he knows that people find his Hitler slogan off-putting. Maybe he’ll pack up and go home.

But as I drove out of the parking lot, I saw him hand one of the flyers through the window of a car stopped in traffic. The man driving reached out and shook his hand. On the other hand, maybe he’ll stay a while longer, I thought. Damn.

When recalling my years attending public schools in rural Illinois, I can think of fewer people that didn’t own an article of merchandise endorsed by MJ than those that didn’t. The biggest kids in class were always Jordan at recess (for the sake of context, I always found myself as either Luc Longley or Toni Kukoc) and exaggerated stories from uninformed 13 year-olds placed Jordan’s feats anywhere from the mythical to the impossible. I can even remember thirty minute lectures from my fourth grade teacher about the legacy and relevance of Chicago’s favorite son during Social Studies. This was 1998, the peak of the public’s adoration and idolization for the Michael Jordan mythos. What no one paid much attention to, however, was the fact that Michael Jordan is a petty, vindictive, selfish cockhuffer.

The inherent dickishness in The Legend of MJ starts near its very beginning with the oft-referenced and summarily cliched story of his being cut from his sophomore basketball team. As the legend goes, when he was still just an average-sized kid from Wilmington, NC named Mike Jordan, the future demagogue was cut from his basketball team outright by coach Clifton Herring. Mike then went on to allow this slight to fuel his legendary drive to succeed and propel him to become the star we all know. The truth of the matter is that between 50 or so players, there were only 30 spots; 15 on the varsity squad and 15 on the junior varsity team. Jordan wasn’t cut, he was included on and the star of the JV team in his sophomore year. Coach Herring and other assistants of the team have clarified that not only was Jordan never cut, they placed him on the JV team so that he could play rather than languish on the varsity bench as a result of his sophomore status.

The more egregious of Jordan’s slights, is not the invention of “haters” (something that current NBA pariah LeBron James does regularly, yet earns the ire of the basketball public) that Jordan became famous for, but the continual and childish insistence to publicly shame and denounce the rest of this basketball fable’s cast of characters. In is vapid and vile Basketball Hall of Fame induction speech on September 11, 2009, Jordan takes yet another opportunity to deride and slander not only Herring but also the student who was chosen for the team ahead of Jordan; 31 years after the incident, and six since his last NBA game. Jordan’s whiny, childish speech also included the likes of Hall of Fame coach and executive Pat Riley, former Bulls GM Jerry Krause, Bulls chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, and former player Byron Russell…all of whom were in attendance to celebrate Michael’s rightful acquisition of their sport’s highest honor.

To put that in a more compact light, after all of that time and all of the glory and success and adoration that Jordan has been lucky and skilled enough to accomplish and attain, he still felt he was slighted enough to take pot shots for the following reasons. His coach, now homeless in Jordan’s hometown of Wilmington as a result of his late-onset Paranoid Schizophrenia, for “cutting” him when he was 15. His former friend and high school teammate, LeRoy Smith, for being taller and a year older. Former Utah Jazz forward Byron Russell for DARING to suggest that he could defend Michael. At an event specifically to honor his accomplishments…as much as 31 years later.

All of this goes without mentioning his unfaithfulness to his former wife, his gambling habits potentially jeopardizing his team’s success, his steadfast support of Nike during their scandal involving illegal sweat shops, and that fact that he’s egomaniacal enough to think he’s sufficiently important to sport a fucking Hitler mustache.

I’ve got no interest in trying to “Be Like Mike“, because Mike is a fucking DICK.

AGENT:  Hey, there’s my guy!  There’s my guy!  How the hell are you, Michael?!?

MICHAEL:  Doing well.  Yourself?

AGENT:  I am fantastic, Michael – I am fantastic because right now, I have in my possession two items:  a gigantic check to you from Hanes and, of less importance, the commercials from the Flight #23 campaign.

MICHAEL:  Nice!  So you want to watch the spots or have a money fight?

Burns only has more money than Jordan because Burns doesn’t gamble.

AGENT:  Can’t we do both?

MICHAEL:  Ha!  Yes, but just to make sure I don’t look like an asshole, let’s light up some cigars and watch the Hanes spots first.

AGENT:  Cool.

MICHAEL:  Didn’t have one line in that spot and I’m still awesome.

AGENT:  Yeah…  uhm, yeah…  lets see the next one.

MICHAEL:  Even got a biblical reference in this one.  Nice.

AGENT:  Yeah, you did… Michael, did you shoot all of these spots on the same day?

MICHAEL:  Yep, one long, grueling day.  Why do you ask?

AGENT:  Oh my God.

MICHAEL:  What’s the matter?

AGENT:  Fuck.

MICHAEL:  What?

AGENT:  Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Holy shit, Michael!  What the hell were you thinking?

MICHAEL:  What’s wrong?

AGENT:  Fuck, Michael, do you have to ask?  You just made fifteen underwear commercials in which you have a Hitler mustache!

Pictured Left:  Crazy Person.  Pictured Right:  Crazy Mustache.

MICHAEL:  Oh that.  Yeah, I know.

AGENT:  You know?

MICHAEL:  Of course I know.  I do shave myself.

AGENT:  What the hell were you thinking?

MICHAEL:  I’m taking it back.

AGENT:  Taking it back?

MICHAEL:  Yep.

AGENT:  Taking it back.

MICHAEL:  You got it.

AGENT:  Michael, one doesn’t simply take back the Hitler mustache.

MICHAEL:  True enough; however, not everybody is me.

AGENT:  Meaning?

MICHAEL:  Meaning that bastard has held on to the look for decades – he’s been dead since 1945, and I think it’s time to take it back.

AGENT:  You can’t take it back.

MICHAEL:  The hell I can’t.  I can do anything!

AGENT:  Except hit a baseball.

Too bad Jordan wasn’t on the same team as Jose Canseco.

MICHAEL:  What?

AGENT:  Nothing.  Look, Michael, what I mean is that you, specifically you, cannot take the Hitler mustache back.

MICHAEL:  Why not?

AGENT:  To take something back, you’d have to be part of the group that was hindered by that thing in the first place.

MICHAEL:  You mean only Nazis can take the Hitler mustache back?

AGENT:  No, I mean only mustache aficionados can take the Hitler mustache back.

In the 1980s, THIS was sexy.

MICHAEL:  Oh…  well, I do really like mustaches-

AGENT:  I’m sure you do, but Michael, please, for the love of all that is decent and pure, shave off the damn mustache!

MICHAEL:  …I can’t.

AGENT:  Why the hell not?

MICHAEL: Look, Hanes loves the mustache, so I can’t shave it off.  It was their idea in the first place.

AGENT: Their idea?  They must be out of their minds!

MICHAEL:  I think Mr. Hanes might be a little crazy.

AGENT:  I think so too!

MICHAEL:  He came to this country in 1946, and Hanes kinda sounds like a German name to me…

AGENT:  I don’t like where this is going.

MICHAEL:  The bottom line is if I take their money, I wear their mustache.

Well, there you have it.  Michael Jordan grew the Hitler mustache because he loves money  and his masters at Hanes made him.  I guess it’s not coming off any time soon… unless Nike gives him a call.

Thanks for dropping by CreativeJamie.com!  Please drop a comment to let me know what you thought of this post.

Jordan Is Said To Be Growing Increasingly Comfortable With His Doucheiness.

Michael Jordan–at one time the most revered and respected man throughout the sporting world–is proving increasingly to be nothing more than a really tall asshole.

There were hints of it during his time in the NBA.  First there was Jordan’s short-lived retirement in which the basketball great unsuccessfully chased his baseball muse.  Following this were two comebacks, the first of which was highly successful, bringing another string of NBA Championships to Chicago.  Jordan’s final comeback, with the Washington Wizards, was ill-advised and legacy tarnishing.  But for a while, Jordan’s unearthly talent made it easy to overlook these things.

The Tongue Thing Grows Less Cute With Every Passing Day.

More recently, Jordan’s douche factor has leapt through the roof, thanks partially to the athlete’s tumultuous personal life.  Although Jordan and his wife divorced amicably in 2005, revelations quickly surfaced that Jordan had been maintaining an ongoing affair with gold digger and filer of an unsuccessful paternity suit, Karla Knafel.

Given That Jordan Could Have His Pick From Among The World's Great Beauties, Karla Knafel Is A Curious Choice.

A further low for Jordan was his 2009 Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Jordan gave a rambling acceptance speech, lashing out at perceived enemies, and re-settling old scores.  Jordan’s biggest accomplishment of the evening was humiliating Leroy Smith, who managed to beat the future NBA great for a spot on the varsity basketball team back in high school.

Many observers saw pettiness as the reason Jordan was less than effusive in his praise of Kobe Bryant, who is considered a lock for the Hall of Fame.  Of Bryant, who has one less championship than his Airness,  Jordan said “If you are talking about guards, I would say he has got to be in the top 10.”

Jordan On Bryant: "He's Okay."

Jordan has always battled issues of character.  From gambling rumors to accusations of being a hands-off franchise owner, the cracks in Jordan’s reputation are beginning to show.

But perhaps the most glaring indication of Jordan’s irrevocable slide toward the douche side is his choice of a Hitler mustache.

"Wir Mussen Die Jazz Ausrotten!"

Let me reiterate:

Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler

mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt

commercial?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!

I’m not crazy, right? That right there is Michael Jeffrey Jordan with an Adolf Hitler style mustache. The Michael Jordan, who is commonly referred to as “the greatest professional basketball player EVER”, has shaved his facial hair in the style most commonly referred to as a “Hitler” mustache because of the mass murdering psycho path Adolf Hitler!

I’m not seeing things, right? Because I’m pretty sure I’m seeing “Air” Jordan with a square of facial hair above his upper lip, which was made extremely popular by a man who used German hostility from the conclusion of World War I to start a second World War in which he almost accomplished the genocide of the Jewish people of Earth. To be clear, “His Airness” Michael Jordan is in a television commercial with a style of facial hair that the greatest villain of, at the very least, the 20th Century made popular!?!

I can hear the deniers. I can hear some of you saying, “it’s just a shadow”.

BUT IT ISN’T! IT’S A HITLER MUSTACHE!

Why does number 23 have an Adolf Hitler mustache on a national television campaign for t-shirts? I mean not that it would be OK for Michael to have a Hitler stache in private, but in public!?! On TV!!??!! I won’t lie that I’ve grown out beards and in the process of shaving them down to nothing, I have at times stopped at a ‘stache or a goattee or even, I hate to admit it, a “soul patch”. I could see in the privacy of one’s own bathroom sporting a Hitler mustache for a few awkward, but humorous minutes or hours. But to walk around in public with one?

Are we all saying that there wasn’t a producer or a make-up artist that never turned to MJ for a second of honesty and said, “You have a Hitler mustache”? Or did that happen and Michael retorted, “Yes and it is staying.” I can’t believe there wasn’t a Hanes representative who at the very least called into his superiors and told them, “Mr. Jordan just showed up on set and he has a mustache that is remarkably similar to Adolf Hitler’s mustache…. yes, that Adolf Hitler.” Or did that happen as well and the bosses at Hanes responded, “We have no issue with Michael Jordan representing our cotton, tagless, stay flat collar t-shirt company with a Hitler mustache on his face.”

I am thoroughly confused by all of this. I love Michael Jordan. Love him. In fact, I keep a laser engraved Michael Jordan signed baseball on my TV stand.

I love Michael Jordan so much that I honor his career in baseball! That is a lot of love folks. And I just can’t figure out for a second what the hell is going on with Michael Jordan having a Hitler mustache on a Hanes t-shirt commercial. Does Michael Jordan think it is perfectly acceptable for him to groom his own facial hair to make him look as close as possible to Adolf Hitler? Does Michael Jordan look at himself in the mirror and say “Yeah, I can pull off a Hitler mustache. I won 6 NBA championships. I’m justified in any crazy decisions I make about the shaving of the hair that grows out of my face.” Is that what happened?

Or (!) was it that very make-up artist or commercial producer mentioned earlier that thought Michael Jordan would look best with a Hitler mustache for a t-shirt advertisement? Maybe they shaved Michael to a Hitler mustache. Maybe Michael showed up with a full “Brawny Man” beard or a nice “Hulk Hogan” handlebar. And it was someone on set who had the audacity to shave Michael down to a Hitler mustache and leave his greatness unaware of the facial hair taboo on his face. Maybe that happened. Please say that happened.

I honestly have no clue what is going on. I have watched a lot of the NBA playoffs. A lot! And I don’t remember seeing Michael Jeffrey Jordan on the sidelines during the Charlotte Bobcats games against the Orlando Magic with a Hitler mustache. I don’t remember that at all. I think I would remember that. I think that means at some point Michael got rid of the Hitler mustache and is not currently walking around with one.

Nevertheless, Michael Jordan has a Hitler mustache in a Hanes t-shirt commercial forever and ever. How? Seriously, how did this happen?

But I will say, I need some of those Hanes t-shirts! They’re tagless and their collars don’t bunch up? That sounds like Heaven. A Heaven where I haven’t seen Michael Jordan with a Hitler mustache.

Now in my particular case, I’m betting 98% of these people were disappointed.  The “good” traffic a blog gets usually comes from people who subscribe to your  blog or click on a link from someone suggesting your blog.  The Google searches, well they tend to be people looking for someone else.

And what they’re looking for.  Well… it’s strange.  Often funny.  Sometimes terrifying.

The # 1 search term used to find my blog?

Guesses, anyone?

That’s right.

“Hitler mustache”

Apparently I have a huge Neo-Nazi following.  165 people have typed in the term “Hitler mustache” and stumbled across my blog.  I hope this entry did satisfied them.

(I wonder what they were looking for.  Shaving and grooming tips?  A home Hitler kit?  Photos for their screensavers?)

If that isn’t scary enough 100 other people typed in the close variation “Hitler’s mustache” and found my blog.   And another 64 people typed “Hitler’s face”and my witty observations hit them in the face.  Were they disappointed?  I would imagine.   But I’d like think that in the process I managed to convert a few Nazis back to the light side with my amusing Jewish comic stylings.  Who knows?

Occasionally there is a search engine term that is just beyond comprehension.  Here are a few (real) examples.  I wish I had kept a list of the very strangest ones, because they go way beyond what I found here below — but unfortunately, after a week they fall off the statistics page.  Just from the last 7 days here are some of my favorites:

“I took steroids and I feel great”

“What is science principles of shampoo”  (I know this is Google but is that even a sentence?)

“Who named thier (sic) kid Inspector Gadget?”  (The answer — no one.  But Jason Lee named his Pilot Inspector.)

“Funny pictures of technology addicts”

“horror phone”

“how much to tip for happy ending” (sorry I wasn’t able to answer your question, ma’am.)

“iPad is annoying.  annoying person”

“i hate princesses” (can’t argue with you there)

“annoying puggle”

Now, in a way, one can learn a lot about their site from checking the search engine terms every once and awhile.

Aside from all things Hitler — the other 3 big search engine terms for my blog?

“Purell”

“Car crashes from texting”

“Gatorade”

So what do I gather from this data?  Apparently the target audience for my blog are dehydrated, germaphobic, paranoid Neo-Nazis.

Which, to be honest,  is pretty much what I was going for.

Oh snap extreme right wing nut job, in yo face! No one has used the comeback “What planet are you from” since the first season of Saved By the Bell. Sure it wasn’t very original but chances are she never watched Saved By the Bell because she thought the close nit friends of Bayside High were to similar to Communist Russia. You can tell by the look on her face that the insult really cut deep. At this point in the comeback she is really thinking, “Man it was dumb to put a Hitler stash on Obama, now people think I’m an alien!”

The final blow of the 1-2 combo comes with this statement, “Arguing with you would be like arguing with a dining room table, I have no interest in doing it.” If this was a free style battle, this is where Barney would drop the mic right in front of her face. At this point Miss Coo Coo for conservative puffs has dropped a load in her Bill O’ Reilly under-roos.

Reasons why this chick is two full raisin scoops behind:

1.) She thinks Obama is Hitler. Ummm Hello everyone knows that Obama can’t grow a mustache!

2.) She sees health care reform in America as a Nazi policy. You know, your actually right on this one. The Nazis definitely were concerned about the health and well being of its people. Wait…….What??……they killed 6 million Jews……uhhhhhhhh………..moving on!

3). This lady is making conservatives who actually have an honest fear about our government look horrible. A lot of people have legitimate arguments against the policies of President Obama, but they are over shadowed by morans who are too concerned with “making a point”, than actually thinking about what they are saying.

Why Barney Frank kicks ass!!

1.) Only dude with a lisp I actually enjoy listening to. If God has a lisp then he will sound just like Barney Frank. I would love to see him speak……just not from the front row.

2) The only other Barney I have ever heard of, is the big purple one. You automatically have to be a bad ass if your a homosexual with the name Barney. If I saw Barney Frank in the street I would curl into a little ball and suck my thumb!

3) Barney realizes that because our great country allows freedom of speech you will get people like this. People who just want to use their freedom to use it, instead of using it with a purpose. Instead of getting worked up over such a ridiculous accusation, Barney simply shakes his head and points out to the lady that she is going to get no where.

Side note for impressive mustache photoshoper

Thank you for expressing your beliefs in such an open public forum. Not many people are brave enough to step up and say what they really feel, i commend you for that. We have freedom of speech for a reason, so please use it as much as humanly possible. But always remember one thing, You look dumb as shit!

-AG

then add some pictures and mabe a movie. like this: