Story here in the New York Times. (H/T Weasel Zippers via ECM)

Excerpt:

But before we cede the entire moral penthouse to “committed vegetarians” and “strong ethical vegans,” we might consider that plants no more aspire to being stir-fried in a wok than a hog aspires to being peppercorn-studded in my Christmas clay pot. This is not meant as a trite argument or a chuckled aside. Plants are lively and seek to keep it that way. The more that scientists learn about the complexity of plants — their keen sensitivity to the environment, the speed with which they react to changes in the environment, and the extraordinary number of tricks that plants will rally to fight off attackers and solicit help from afar — the more impressed researchers become, and the less easily we can dismiss plants as so much fiberfill backdrop, passive sunlight collectors on which deer, antelope and vegans can conveniently graze. It’s time for a green revolution, a reseeding of our stubborn animal minds.

Just because we humans can’t hear them doesn’t mean plants don’t howl… It’s a small daily tragedy that we animals must kill to stay alive. Plants are the ethical autotrophs here, the ones that wrest their meals from the sun. Don’t expect them to boast: they’re too busy fighting to survive.

So, plants are people, too, and we shouldn’t do violence to them by eating them. Interesting… But you know who doesn’t deserve protection from violence, according to the secular left? Unborn children, that’s who. I don’t see them mentioned in this NYT article.

In fact, the left wants to use government power to stop conscience rights for pro-life doctors, and even the public expression of pro-life convictions. (H/T Lex Communis)

Don’t forget all the pro-life clubs that are banned across Canada. But maybe plants have a right to life, because maybe they feel pain.

People on the secular left like recreational sex, but they don’t like having unexpected mouths to feed. They want the pleasure of sex, but not the work of taking care of innocent little babies. To feel less guilty about killing babies, they have to invent a new morality that blesses something else they want to do as morally good, like recycling, animal rights activism or vegetarianism. It’s idolatry – inventing a god of your own that you can appease just by doing anything you want.

I wrote at the beginning of this month about the 2009 resolution I finally accomplished, 11 months into the year. The same disclaimer applies here, I think.

Anyway, the whole point of that weekend (A’s wedding, the casual attitude, etc) was that I would never see him again. Or really speak to him. I went to the wedding with zero expectation of any kind of hookup – I was there to be A’s bridesmaid – and when the hookup became apparent, I went into that with zero expectation of any follow-through. In fact, I actively didn’t want any follow-through. As things progressed, I felt more confident, sexy, and free than I had in a really long time. There were no strings attached! The guy lived in California and I’m in NYC. It didn’t occur to me that there might be an exception to the rule of one-night-stands.

Like I said, it was fun. I figured we’d become friends on Facebook, mostly because he had pictures and I had pictures and I had met a lot of really cool people and it would be bizarre to leave him out. So the friending happened and then he sent me a message. It was really short and nice, superficial, a simple how-was-the-trip-back-were-you-struggling-as-much-as-I-was. (I mean, we’d gotten about 3 hours of sleep. That day of traveling was rough). I wrote back agreeing that it was rough and returning the question. He wrote back again and this time the message was longer, more engaging. I showed it to Twin, wondering why on earth this guy was writing to me. I mean, I knew he thought I was hot and I knew he liked my personality. But come on, it was a one-weekend fling. No need to pretend like you have any further interest in me past that. Twin advised I wait a bit longer before replying and slowly make the messages shorter so they’d fade out. And that was my intention.

Fail.

Within two weeks we’d moved from Facebook messages to emails and another week after that we exchanged numbers. (Talk about a backwards way to get to know someone). It’s been a solid month and a half since we met and we are emailing “epic essays” (his words, not mine) several times a week. Sometimes there is contact multiple times a day. Texts are also not uncommon, though they mostly happen when at least one of us is not so sober.

So now I must introduce this guy not simply as “some guy from the wedding,” but as Cali Boy. Because, oh right, he still still lives in California.

What am I doing? One-night stands are supposed to be just that – one night. No further interest. No further contact. It’s casual, meaningless. You’re not supposed to realize that the other person is not only sexually attractive to you, but also really fucking cool. And even if that does happen, it’s not supposed to be mutual. Or bi-coastal. So what the fuck.

The thing is, I’m trying to just kind of go with it. I don’t want the emails or texts to stop. I really like learning more about him and hearing stories and I find myself interested in how his week is going and what his plans are for Christmas. He seems to be interested in the same about me and has done some cute things, like sending me videos of baby otters playing on the carpet and Elfing the two of us into the jibjab Elf Yourself video on Thanksgiving day.

There are definitely times (this past week was one of them) that I seriously question my intentions and motives here. I question the entire situation and wonder why I continue. I don’t see contact ending but I also don’t see a future involving anything more than virtual communication. What’s the point? There isn’t one.

Except he’s tentatively planning to come visit in February.

I’ve noticed on the forums on the various swinger sites that there is an amount of frustration when it comes to meeting others from the lifestyle.  Seems many have found that they can send dozens of introductory emails to others and get nothing in return, not even a ‘not interested’.

I’ve been pondering this and trying to figure out what it is that will get a response, or why, perhaps folks are being ignored.  I started to glance through the profiles of those that post saying they never seem to find interested parties and have thought also about what it is we are seeking and have come up with a few thoughts on the subject.

When you are filling out your profile and posting photos of yourself keep in mind that you are marketing yourself in a sense to others.  Make use of a spell checker in either Word or by using an Internet browser like Firefox that alerts you to words that are not spelled correctly.  Also, after you fill in the essay portions of the profile, go back and read them out loud to be certain that the sentences flow and are not broken English.  Well written profiles DO make a difference.

Photos can give an impression about us that is a lasting first impression.  If your photos are scanned in, and have a look of being dated (hair from the 80’s, clothes that obviously are not current fashion trends but are from 10-15 years ago) will make people think they are not current and accurate representations of you and your partner.  Look around the background of the photo, what do you see? Often I see open closet doors that reveal a very messy and disorganized closet, or laundry baskets with clothes puking out of them and on to the floor, dirty dishes and counter tops stacked with items.  The background makes the subjects of the photos appear to be messy, unkempt and in some cases even dirty.  There is a tendency to assume that if one does not keep their home clean and organized that their hygiene might also be questionable.  Take time to clean up the background area of the photo. Pictures should represent you in your best possible light.

The reality is that most folks are seeking people that are similar to themselves or better when it comes to physical attractiveness.  While personality is indeed part of the chemistry that draws people to each other, looks DO play a part in the equation as well.   Make sure that the clothes you are wearing when you  take your photos, or that you wear when attending a swinger function, compliment your body and enhance your positive features.   If you are over weight by more than a few (5-15) pounds, then do not expect that the very physically fit couple is going to find you of interest.  Seek couples that appear similar to you and your partner in looks and build.  If your wife is slim and and you are 50 pounds over weight it is unlikely you are going to hook up with Ken and Barbie that work out on a regular basis.

See, the whole idea behind the lifestyle is to enhance one’s sex life.  Very few in this lifestyle are here to chalk up all the sex they can possibly obtain. Most are looking for those few select people that really turn them on and if you do not turn them on it is very unlikely that you are going to be on their dance card at any time.  If there is no attraction then it simply is not going to happen.

Make yourself as attractive as possible in photos and in how you write your profile answers, as that profile is often the first step to meeting others, and hopefully this will help improve your luck!

Hugs & Long, Slow Licks,

Jaz

Photo by Brett Arthur via Flickr

Heads turned when this very Hot Guy walked into the Halloween party I attended this year. Dimples to the heavens, sparkling, mischievous eyes, and muscles a girl just can’t help but hang onto. Unfortunately, the illusion was quickly shattered by how obviously he wanted to get laid.

The first girl he struck up a conversation with hastily found a way out, groaning to us about how unattractive it is when a guy brings up sex within minutes of meeting. The rest of us concurred and didn’t bother conversing with him most of the night, though Hot Guy seemed to pervade the party.

Meanwhile two girls were in a flirting battle over the same “Nice” Guy, (who claimed to be single, but days later revealed that was just a part of his Halloween costume too), because he could actually hold his end of a conversation.

By the end of the night, Nice Guy was making out with one of the girls while two other girls were doing body shots off of Hot Guys’ very amazing abs. Apparently they had missed the incident of him ripping the police badge off a girl’s chest, getting slapped and throwing a drink at her.

Nice Guy went home with a girl’s number. Hot Guy got cockblocked by me, the designated driver, while he was trying to go home with one of the girls who had come later to the party and missed the drama. (The teacher in me was worried about the girl’s safety as he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would take “no” for an answer and both he and the girl were pretty drunk. Being the only sober one, I would have felt responsible for anything bad happening.)

After she left, he wasn’t discouraged; he tried to convince the other girls in the van to keep his bed warm. He went home alone.

What a waste of that hot body. He was such a good-looking guy that if he’d had an ounce of tact, he could have had a lot of fun keeping his bed warm with any number of girls at that party, if not that night, then another one soon. I just felt like if I could have taken him by the hand and coached him through the party, I could have helped him get exactly what he wanted without him looking like such a chump. (Which I fully realize is ironic and hypocritical since I was the one who cockblocked him.)

Honesty is important, but if I were him, I would have toned down the desperation. Meeting a guy is, if not the goal for a single girl at a party, at least one of the excellent perks. When I meet single guys at a party or a bar, I’m subconsciously rating them on two scales: “Likelihood I’d want to date him” and “Likelihood I’d want to sleep with him.”

A really attractive guy doesn’t have to work that hard to stay on the high end of the “Likelihood I’d want to sleep with him” scale, even if he’s not even registering on the “Likelihood I’d want to date him” scale. However, one of the major factors that changes this is his ability to show discrimination.

I don’t want to sleep with a guy who will bang on every door in the city until he finds one that opens. Leading with sex is a turn off, because a girl wants to know a guy wants to sleep with her in particular, because he’s assessed her attributes and found them favorable, not merely because she’s breathing and there. I won’t qualify these attributes in anyway, because it fluctuates depending on what scale he’s on. I try to be fair, if I’m checking out his hot body, well, I’m not going to expect him to be interested in my personality.

I do think a guy should be honest about not wanting a relationship, but at a party where people are getting wasted and flirting sex is already on people’s minds, spelling it out at the beginning of a conversation isn’t necessary. If Hot Guy had spent more time chatting up different girls and then zoned in on one or two he was really interested in, he would have drastically increased his chances of sharing someone’s bed.

I know this, because I did kiss and give my phone number to a guy that night, not because he was incredibly irresistible, but because despite another girl totally flirting with him, he pursued me, just me. Sometimes that makes all the difference.

It starts the same every time. She has a story she wants to share, and being her friend and loving her like I do, I’m there for her and more than happy to listen; though it’s the same worn out tale she’s been weaving for almost a year now and always ends in a river of tears. But while the lesson has yet to be learned, I’m not giving up hope.

I know what she wants, whether or not she’s ready to admit it to herself; and she knows I’m right. She wants to be loved, plain and simple. But she’s not going to find it in a local pub, filled with other lonely women looking for love and men just looking to score.

It’s the attention that makes her high; gives her a feeling of invincibility, self-assuredness, validation as a single woman in her late thirties. That is, until the euphoria diminishes and she’s left alone, wondering why they never call just to chat or want hang out; and why not one of them has, or will ever, buy her dinner, take her to the theatre, cook for her, introduce her to their family; or any of the things that people in relationships do.

Yes…she wonders why.

Uh, could it be because she’s not dating; not in a relationship with these men. She’s just fucking and recognized as the one sure thing the minute she walks through that door; every Thursday night, like clockwork.

Enough with the excuse that she was married with a baby right out of high school and just now sowing her wild oats; the thing she has that her little girl friends don’t, is twice as much living experience, but she still lacks that sense of self; still filled with little girl insecurities.

She works so hard for all that she has, yet she gives herself away; to anyone who will have her. And still she wonders why she’s alone.

Times may have changed, but people haven’t. A whore is still a whore, no matter the age. And don’t get me started about safe sex practices and her lack thereof; or the example she’s setting for her teenage daughter!

I did say I wasn’t giving up hope, didn’t I?

. . . because today closed out the fall semester of classes at Union College, where I’ve been teaching Christian ethics. I’ve had 44 sessions with my “kids”–63 of them, an unusually large class. Increased responsibilities for the Mid-America Union will prevent me from teaching any more college classes; I’m excited about serving our president, Roscoe Howard, yet I’ll also miss being an adjunct professor at my favorite college.

My students this semester generated awesome discussions about many vital moral issues and their implications. Time and time again I’ve reported to Darlene (my wife) how much I’m impressed with these young adults, who have gained such spiritual maturity before even graduating. Many of them have already served as overseas student missionaries or domestic task force workers. Most are nursing students; some are preparing for a career as pastors, educators and attorneys. In many ways, I believe their spirituality–both their discernment and their dedication–surpasses most church members of my generation.

For example, the other day we discussed abortion, and each student wrote a paper on the topic. I was deeply touched that nearly all of them had profound respect for the unborn life which God implants in the womb–much more respect than most adults I talk to. It’s amazing. Here are these students, whose age would seem to identify them with the “hook-up generation,” which in our society is marked by casual sex and “easy come, easy go” pregnancies. And yet my students expressed deep conviction and respect regarding unborn life from God! And this was before I even tried to teach them on the topic.

Where did they get their morals from?

Probably not from my generation, I’m ashamed to admit. Too many of us seem to qualify as lukewarm Laodicea. Meanwhile, many my age who haven’t succumbed to spiritual lethargy go to the other extreme, expending time and energy swatting moral gnats while swallowing camels of inconsistency.

Please do not take offense at my reluctant observations. Instead, if you consider yourself “pro choice” about abortion, would you ponder several questions:

1) If a fetus in the womb is not a real human being, please explain what might have been inside Mary’s womb for nine months. Did Jesus, the eternal Word, cease to exist as a living being when He lived unborn within His mother?

2) We sometimes hear that a fetus cannot be a person because it isn’t “viable,” often defined by the fact that the unborn can’t breathe on their own. Well, if self-breathing is the test of life, what happens if you have an accident and go on a hospital respirator? Do you cease do exist as a person when you cannot breathe on your own? What warrant do we have for such thinking–in logic, in science or in Scripture?

3) Who made us the lords of life and death, so that we imagine ourselves qualified to decide whether unborn life survives or gets exterminated?

I acknowledge the moral dilemma raised by a small percentage of pregnancies (no more than two to four percent) resulting from incest or rape, involve grave fetal abnormality, or threaten the life of the mother. (Notice I didn’t say “health” of the mother, which often includes the deceptive loophole of “emotional health”–such as trauma resulting from having a career interrupted by the inconvenient duty of changing diapers.) Abortions in the small minority of truly controversial situations are not necessarily in the same moral category as abortions of inconvenience. We can discuss exceptional situations while uniting against the cavalier attitude toward unborn human life that allows a living fetus to be sacrificed and discarded as trash, essentially being morally equivalent to a diseased tumor.

I contrast the convictions of these noble young people at Union College with the statement of a high church leader (now retired), who during a 1992 debate about abortion on the General Conference Executive Committee, described the procedure as the “interruption of pregnancy.” I rose to challenge his assertion, asking: “If abortion is merely the interruption of pregnancy, please explain to us how the pregnancy can get started again.” No answer was forthcoming, then or since.

I have no desire to argue about abortion or anything else with those who have their minds made up (as mine obviously is on this point).  I mostly wanted to say a word of affirmation and appreciation for those younger Adventists who, regarding abortion and several other vital moral issues, often surpass their own parents and grandparents in spiritual discernment. It was my joy this semester to interact with these students–not only to mentor them in Christian ethics, but also to learn from them.

God bless you, my young friends. I will miss seeing you in class. Our church desperately needs you, not just in our pews, but up front in leadership and in our board rooms.

Martin Weber, Mid-America Union assistant to the president, communication director and Outlook editor

Let’s face it – the whole point of the single life is to get laid. At the bar, at the office, at whatever you do in your spare time, you are constantly looking for the next person with whom you can hook up. When you’re married, there’s no question! You know exactly where to go for sex and, if you play your cards right, that person will always be willing. No sexting, no flirtexting, no reading between the lines, just sex. Now, for some, that can be a turn off. Lot’s of people enjoy the ‘thrill of the hunt’ and if that’s what you look forward to then have fun, but remember this: Sex is rarely about physical gratification (if it was, we’d all make do with happy socks and vibrators). While that insatiable lust may drive your initial actions, that is simply a physical reaction to a much deeper emotional need, namely, the need to connect with another person. Case in point, most married men who admit to cheating on their wives state that they did it because they felt they no longer had a strong emotional connection to their spouse. This is why one of the top warning signs that you may be going down the road to adultery is when you start confiding in a female friend things you don’t feel comfortable telling your wife. Once you understand that sex is a physical release for an emotional need, you can truly begin appreciating the fact that for the rest of your life you now have sex on demand.

Everyone wants to be a star. Is that a statement that we all can agree on in this media driven society? However, what people fail to understand in their quest to obtain their 15 minutes of fame is that just like everything else in life, it comes with a price.

All of the women coming out of the Wood work (no pun intended) have pretty much nuzzled up to the cameras and are basking in the glow of the bright lights, for now. Today, everyone on the planet are concentrating on Tigers infidelities and sitting on pins and needles wondering how in the hell did the worlds most recognizable face get himself into this relationship hazard? Then, more importantly, how will he get out of it and still save par or rather his marriage and image?

What we have failed to do is look at the other side of the situation. You know, the one where we examine the character of the women that chose to sleep with a married man. The women whom chose to attempt to capitalize on an adulterous affair by publicly airing the incidents for the world to read, all while smirking and smiling for the cameras. Never once feeling remorse for their role in the assisted destruction of a family.

It was disrespectful to Elin Woods and her children for these women to engage in the affairs with Tiger to begin with and then to come out publicly is akin to spitting in their faces. These women knew full well that they were about to and eventually slept with a married man, you’d think that at least one of them would have had the decency to say no.

I am sure that there are at least a couple of women that did just that, they said no to Tiger because of the respect they hold for the sanctity of marriage. These are women whom we’ll probably never hear from, who may have thought about bedding Tiger and possibly would have had it not for him being someones husband and father.

Although we will never have the opportunity to know who these women are at the least we know that some people have more respect for themselves then to be lured into a shameless scandal where no one wins and everyone gets hurt in the end.

If any of the women that Tiger supposedly bedded had an once of character and any amount of remorse after the tryst, she could have easily called Elin and privately confessed her indiscretion and begged for forgiveness. This would have allowed Elin the opportunity to deal with Tigers ways long before it became a media circus with her and her children in the center ring. However, none did, they did what they do best, run around running their mouths about sleeping with the worlds top (married) golfer as if this was some sort of honor. As if this would open doors for them and one day make them some type of celebrity themselves.

Well now the time has come and they are getting their face time in print, online and television. However, whatever happened to Monica Lewinsky? They too shall be relegated to trivial pursuit questions as people struggle to recall their names or what they were once infamous for.

Before this quick fall from grace they will be subject to public scrutiny as they should (starting here) for attempting to capitalize by jumping up and down on the shattered pieces of what was once a marriage. They will be ostracized for being women of loose morals (although for a couple of them that has already been determined) home wrecking and over-all stupidity.

When the time comes and it always does for people like this they will resent the media because they will discover that it’s no fun when you are not the person in control of what they say about you. When they start digging and start publishing your secrets that you thought you had hid away from the world. When they expose you and your own friends don’t want to return your calls because you’ve become more an embarrassment than anything else to them. Those days are coming, I wonder if any of them fully thought this thing through? Fame? It’s over-rated when you lose who you are and especially when you didn’t earn it but created it by participating in a situation that caused someone else to suffer and hurt.

Now Tiger, he’ll continue to golf and as he wins people will forgive and forget with time. However, he too will hurt because besides the embarrassment and suffering he has caused his wife and children he may possibly lose them.

Looking at the relationship that he had with his own late father (Earl), this situation which he caused just may deny him that opportunity with his own children. If Erin chooses to leave him and take the kids as is her right, he’ll spend many a night sitting alone in a big house after winning another Major Championship with no one to celebrate with. He’ll be left with nothing but the echos of his children’s laughter to comfort himself and the knowledge that his own selfishness ended the most important win of his life, which by the way was the day that Erin accepted his proposal.

As a father myself, I can assure you that Tiger himself will tell you if you ask him, that all of his wins and endorsements pale in comparison to the feeling he got with the birth of his children. If he says anything other than that then he’s not much of a father to begin with.

In the end Elin will have the last laugh. She’s beautiful, intelligent and she has done nothing to deserve this unfortunate situation. She is focused on the two people who count on her the most in this life, her two children. To her, that I am sure is all that matters as it should be.

Should she chose to leave, she’ll be wealthy beyond means and will be able to provide her children with a life fit for royalty as a single mom. She has a family that will support her emotionally and as with everything else, time heals all wounds to include betrayal.

She’ll probably return to her native country where they value privacy a bit more then here in the Good ole USA. I am sure she had suitors before Tiger and once she’s free and clear she’ll have even more and eventually she’ll discover someone with a little more integrity and a lot less drama.

Regardless of what she decides to do, I for one wish her well.

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the getting over your fear of sex– so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I recently started hooking up with a boy who has, well, gotten around. I asked him if he’d been tested recently and he said he did (and he was “all good!”), but I don’t know if I trust him. Maybe he’s just saying that to get in my pants? I obviously plan on using a condom when I sleep with him, but are there any things I can look for before I go down that path?  Any visible signs I should pay attention to so I know if he’s telling me the truth or not?

A: Honey, if you can’t trust the guy, do you really want to sleep with him? I mean- yeah, there are some things you can do to check him out, but it’s not necessarily enough to protect you.  Make sure you care enough about this guy that, if you do get a sexually transmitted infection, it’s not the end of your world. Because the truth is- even if he got tested for “everything,” you may still be at risk.

Why? Because condoms don’t protect you against all STI’s, and testing doesn’t always test for everything. Most testing will not reveal whether a guy carries HPV, and often, it will not represent whether he might be infectious for herpes.

So what’s a girl to do? Here are a few tips:

1. Ask your partner to be honest about whether he has really been tested. Explain that you value the health of both of you, and that if he cares about you, he needs to demonstrate this. Ask for a copy of his test results if you can’t trust him but want to sleep with him anyway. Offer him a copy of yours first. Then inspect him.
2. Look for cauliflowery warts on and around his penis.
3. Inspect the tip of the penis for funky discharge (anything greenish or yellowish) that may represent gonorrhea or chlamydia. (Wetness in this region should always be clear).
4. Hunt for reddish ulcerations that might represent genital herpes.
5. Check for little round bumps that can represent molluscum contagiosum.
6. Take a gander at his pubic hair to make sure there are no pubic lice or little white eggs.

Remember, a clean inspection doesn’t mean you’re good to go. Most sexually transmitted infections have absolutely no signs on a clinical exam. Which is why it all comes down to trust. At the end of the day, do you really want to hook up with someone you can’t believe?

Hope that helps!

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

          Why do I always let myself get stuck in situations where I’m not sure where I stand?  It is so frustrating.  This is an even harder one to figure out because it is a close friend.

          So we hooked up.  It wasn’t the first time but before it didn’t go so well.  He had a girlfriend.  They broke up.  He decided to come visit.  We had a great weekend.  Not long later he went back out with the girl.  Where did that leave me?  Feeling a little used but I moved on just like I always do.

          Last time, it was just him and I.  This time there is more friends attached.  By this I mean, his friends are head over heals for me.  They are actually the ones that told me he was single.  When he invited me up, they were cheering.  I was totally accepted into the group all weekend.  They told me I had to come back. 

          So big thumbs up from the friends but what about him?  We hooked up but we did that before too.  We’ve done the whole flirting via text thing since but big deal.  I’ve definately had more than a couple guys flirt with me only for me to find out they are dating someone else anyways.

          The part that frustrates me to no end is that I truly am a great girlfriend.  That seems to be my trouble.  I can’t find someone who likes a girl that bakes them cookies whenever they ask, doesn’t complain in the least about boy nights, I’m great in bed, I keep myself in shape, I never expect the guy to pay, I’m smart, cute, faithful…everything that guys say they want.  What is the problem?

          Then when guys realize what they missed out on they cry to me about it and try to get me back.  Yeah, how weird is that.  Almost every single guy I have ever dated told me he seriously messed up for letting me go.  Why not just keep me in the first place? 

          See, so frustrating.

As soon as I got to college, I started dating a guy who was a junior. Martin* wasn’t my typical type (basically, he was a lot less attractive, motivated, and thoughtful than what I’m used to) but I decided to give him a shot anyway. I was the typical nervous freshman and I think I subconsciously felt like he had knowledge that could make my transition into college a little easier.

Plus, who doesn’t want to date an older man?

We dated for almost a year, but things started falling apart when we went home for the summer. We fought all the time over the tiniest things, and the fact that my parents and friends absolutely hated him didn’t help. But I couldn’t stay away! When we got back to school, we would meet secretly; I couldn’t let anyone know that we were still seeing each other (and seeing a lot of each other, if you know what I mean) because they would have all been really pissed off. And I just didn’t care to deal with that.

One night, I sneaked Martin into my room and we got down to business. The next morning we woke up early and  I shoved him out the back door; I didn’t want anyone to see him! I went back to my room and started making the bed.  As I pulled back the covers I noticed some brown marks on my sheets. I love chocolate so I thought maybe I had somehow smeared some in my bed during a late night Reese’s binge.

Not really thinking, I bent over and sniffed the stains.
…and almost hurled.

That was not chocolate. Not at all.
Somehow, there were skid marks in my bed. Being an obsessively hygienic person, I knew Martin had to be the culprit. I mean, I know how to wipe my own ass; there’s no way that sh*t (literally) was mine.

I debated what to do. Do I call him and yell? Do I clean up the mess and let him maintain his dignity? Do I write an article about it on a national website and hope other people find it funny? Do I buy him baby wipes for the next major holiday? I just didn’t know. Yes, it was totally his fault, but how do you even go about accusing someone of leaving skid marks on your sheets?!

Thoroughly disgusted, I ended up calling him.

“Hey, baby,” he said as he picked up the phone.
“Did you poop before you came over last night?”
“Wha?”

I asked him again. He denied it and kept denying it until I told him what I had found…and inhaled. Finally, he fessed up, then quickly came over to wash my sheets. He probably thought that would get him out of the dog house (…or outhouse) but it was too late. The fights were one thing, but the runs were just inexcusable. After he folded my sheets I kicked him to the curb.

I always thought that with him being older, he had things he could teach me. Turns out, I was the one who could teach a few things. Mostly, how to wipe your own ass.

I blew off my guy tonight.  I want to be with him; I haven’t even thought of anyone else since I met him.  On some level, I’m in love with him or at least the idea of him being in my life.    With all the red flags, why do I still trust that he is telling me the truth?  I haven’t seen any behavior or heard him say anything that makes me question the kind of person he is. He’s a good person who’s done a lot of good and has many personal accomplishments.  He does quite a lot of volunteer work.  He gave me his last name the second time I saw him.  Of course I did some research on him and could verify everything he told me.  I even found a picture of him from his college yearbook.  He has gotten so hot since then. 

I want him so badly it makes me cry sometimes.  And it’s not in hate, it’s longing.  Like tonight on the way home, I just starting balling my eyes out.  I’ve been wanting a real relationship for a while now.  I can feel that I’m ready, and more prepared and realistic than I’ve ever been.  I’d say that’s some pretty excellent personal growth and progress.  I don’t want to date around until I hopefully find someone.  I want this with him.  It’s crazy how I am so .

He knows none of this, of course.  He’d run like hell I’m sure.  He’s not in the same place I am.  He only recently separated from his wife, and for reasons I understand we need to keep this between us.  I know it seems really stupid and slutty and wrong, but it really feels right with him.  He has made love to me like I’ve never been made love to before.  It was the absolute best in my life.  I could look into his blue eyes for the rest of my life.  I’ve always had a thing for blue eyes.  And blond hair; I’ve never been with a blond man before-so hot.    There was a redhead that was incredible at 16, but that was a long time ago.

He is by far the most educated,intelligent, funny, easy going, charming, best dressed, caring and considerate lover I’ve had.  I felt an instant and intense attraction to him the second I met him.  When he saw me, he did a double take with this huge grin on his face.  The attraction was clearly mutual.  He shook my hand, I went in for a hug, and I could feel he was already hard.  That felt pretty damn good.  It was nice to know there was at least one man that desired me.

I had the best time talking with him, eating ice cream.  It was such an easy conversation, neither of us seemed to be at a loss for words.  I think he enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed his.  It was a real first date, with some heavy petting.  It felt right with him.  He made it seem like he was wanting a real relationship.

He did an about face on all that after about a month.  He said he didn’t feel ready to start a serious relationship, and that’s fine with me.  He didn’t want to share too much personal info, and that’s fine.  It’s not like I want to tell him about all my crazy.

I know, I know-HUGE red flags.  I went into this fully aware of what he told me.  I haven’t forgotten anything.-I kept copies of all his emails.  It was there.  I haven’t figured out what happened.  I haven’t wanted to push him, and he’s slowly coming around.  He has been so patient with all the surgery stuff; he knows I had stuff removed, I just didn’t tell him what.  He hasn’t mentioned a thing about scarring.  I appreciate that he didn’t ask-I didn’t know how I could possibly have told him the whole story.

I’m starting to think I should end it with him.  I think it will break my heart to do that, and I can’t handle that kind of pain right now.  I’m still too damn fragile.  I’m working on it but it takes time-I have 36 years of depression I’m coming to terms with.  My horoscope says some conversation will bring us closer, so who knows.  I need guidance.

If I say anything or not, it’s going to be after.  I need to feel that body one more time.  I never would have thought I would be so attracted to a man so cut and rock hard.  It’s just awesome.

When I was a girl, I ONCE had the experience with some friends I only saw in the Summer where we all had a contest to see who could pee the farthest off the deck of the bunkhouse… into the huckleberry bushes and salal… these other girls had obviously done this before…

I didn’t even know how to start… so I was immediately out of the game…

Generally speaking, as far as I know, women’s washrooms aren’t set up for group urination…

or the practice of peeing forward…

But the world is changing so fast something may have happened that has gone undetected by my radar…

In my flamenco class we spend a lot of time getting ourselves in the right position to dance… 

and then we practice how to hold the position while we lift our skirt trains in all of the different ways that we can…

for 90 minutes…

while looking seriously happy…

Last night we had to stand up straight, follow the opening of our rib cage  up to our breast bone with our fingers and imagine that Great Spirit (Teacher gave permission for each of us to name our own higher power) has caught us by a hook under our sternum, like a fish, and is pulling up, directly…

This gave each of us at least another inch of chest opening and a platform of breast that we could sit a teacup on…

While keeping this open position our arms move elbows first, holding tension like we’re dragging them through molasses…

and our wrists are in constant circular motion, creating soft floreos…

And we could pretend it all the time...

A few months ago we worked on pelvis position…

A suggestion was made that we practice peeing forward while we’re in the shower…

There are methods to my madness…

I always start my practice in dreams…

And a few weeks after suggestion I had THE dream…

I was wearing a Victorian dress… corset, petticoats and everything but I was pissing forward like a racehorse…

I was amazed by what my body could do… I’d never seen anything like it before…

People associate toilet dreams with shame, guilt and embarrassment…

those feelings were in my dream, as I held up my dress,

but what was so much stronger was the energy of creation…

a golden raging river of holy smokes… 

Handing over our power to Freud or anyone else to interpret our dreams is highly problematic…

and it needs to be taken back…

If we don’t see clearly, how can we interpret someone’s else’s invention with any accuracy…

or meaning…

Your dream is yours… even when it is collective…

Dreams and visions are sacred gifts… 

And even though I share my dreams with you…  in this public space…

they’re private…

So don’t tell anyone…

Because I’ll know…

If drinking coffee is your idea of really cool...

Story from Foreign Policy. (H/T Blazing Cat Fur)

Excerpt:

Mutaa is a form of “temporary marriage” only acceptable within Shiite communities, one that allows couples to have religiously sanctioned sex for a limited period of time, without any commitments, and without the obligatory involvement of religious figures. In conservative Muslim societies known for their strict sense of propriety, mutaa offers an escape clause. The contract is very simple. The woman says: “I marry myself to you for [a specific period of time] and for [a specified dowry]” and the man says: “I accept.” The period can range between one hour and a year, and is subject to renewal. A Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man, but a Muslim man can temporarily marry a Muslim, Christian, or Jewish woman, as long as she is a divorcée or a widow. However, those interviewed for this article confirmed that Hezbollah-the “Party of God”-has allowed the practice to spread to virgins or girls who have never married before, as long as the permission of her guardian (father or paternal grandfather) is obtained.

Temporary marriage has long been practiced by Shiites around the world. However, it has recently become more commonplace in Lebanon, notably within Hezbollah strongholds in Beirut’s southern suburbs and in southern Lebanon after the 2006 war with Israel,

Hezbollah’s recent encouragement of this phenomenon highlights the compromises it had been required to make in order to remain the preeminent force among its domestic Shiite constituency.  As the party gained strength due to its effectiveness in fighting Israel, it was forced to cope with the reality that many Lebanese Shiites did not share the Iranian-inspired religious beliefs of Hezbollah’s leaders. They came to dominate a community that was shaped by the secular leftist trends of the 1970s and 1980s, and the cosmopolitan culture embodied by Beirut. Today, Lebanese Shiites are exposed to pop icons such as sexpot singer Haifa Wehbe, countless Western advertisements and programs, and technological innovations such as online dating. Allowing these Shia to balance their sexual desires with their support for the “Resistance” against the “Zionist entity” is a vital ingredient to Hezbollah’s staying power.

You may also have hear of other practices such as polygamy, wife beating, arranged marriages to children, or the raping of women sentenced to death by her jailors, just before she is executed.

You can click the links below to find out more about what I believe about love and marriage.

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