Photo by Heartreflections

One of the greatest prayers in the Bible is Psalm 71. It is a prayer for God’s protection in times of trouble and terror. The xcerpt below is from The Promise TM (Thomas Nelson Publishers), using the Contempory English Version.

I run to you, Lord, for protection.
Don’t disappoint me.
You do what is right, so come to my rescure.
Listen to my prayer and keep me safe.
Be my mighty rock,
The place where I can always run for protection…
You brought me safely through birth,
And I always praise you…
Come closer, God! Please hurry and help.
Embarrass and destroy all who want me dead;
Disgrace and confuse all who want to hurt me.
I will never give up hope or stop praising you.
All day long I will tell the wonderful things you do
to save your people…
You made me suffer a lot,
But you will bring me back from this deep pit
And give me new life.
You will make me truly great and take my sorrow away.
I will paise you, God, the Holy One of Israel.
You are faithful.

The Castle of Hope

Last night I didn’t go forward for prayer at church, something everybody does at the Vineyard, so today I keep thinking about it.

The impression I got is of a medieval castle.  The place is ancient, large, full of history and even suspected of being haunted, nasty with dust, and partially in ruins.

This is the Castle of Hope.  In history, a castle was built beautifully.  It was the dwelling of the ruler of a small area, plus craftsmen and servants and all their families — bustling with activity, full of all the drama of life, in all its joys and sorrows.   Religion was definitely there, but for the most part it was a very sorry thing.  Those who were sincere had nothing but a list of things they had to try not to do, and many who were highly placed in the religion were not practicing what they preached everyone else should do.   Such religion doesn’t have a whole lot to do with God, except that the hypocrites long ago encountered His fiery wrath.   But the good and the bad died and were buried.  In this world, it looked like the same thing happened to them all.   In real life, the castle is abandoned and in ruins.   Where did their hopes go, now that all these people are long gone?

When I searched my own heart, I found haunting memories of past failures.  Also, a lot of disappointment was in the way, like the dust and rubble and dashed hopes that could have filled a historical castle.  I have no complaints about others.  My church is good. But I don’t usually feel much of anything there and that has bothered me a lot, when I had hoped that God would touch me there.  It hurts less just to forget about it all and leave the whole Castle behind, leaving myself a prisoner, since I have locked myself out.   So why go up for prayer?  Might it be that the Lord’s blessing to me would come when He divinely gave me something from heaven for somebody else, causing me great joy when the Father’s love touched their heart?   That is a blessing indeed!

So today I must unlock the Castle, with its dust and rubble and ghosts.  The Lord’s promise is that He will restore what was ruined. I like Isaiah 61:4 “And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.” When I am faced with an opportunity to hope again, can I trust that the Lord is able to rebuild my ruins?

Your castle was built beautifully.   It was built as the home of a ruler.   It is also quite large.  I don’t know the nature of the dust and rubble and ghosts that drove you out of there.   It may be events that ruined your life.  It may be bad experiences with churches.  Or else it may be things you hoped God would do that never happened.  Sometimes it’s easier to leave everything where it fell and just to quit caring about it anymore.   Lock the door.   But it makes you a prisoner.

God wants you to live in your big, beautiful castle again and to be in charge of it.   His intention is for you to live once again in your Castle of Hope and for your heart and spirit to be bustling with life.   I pray that you will reopen your Castle with everything that is now in it and invite the Lord to come in.  Maybe He won’t do things your way.  Could you trust that Him to care more about rebuilding your ruins than even you do, or used to?  Can you care about these things again after you quit caring?   Go back in through the door that you locked behind you.  Do not be a prisoner any longer, locked out of what belongs to you.

If you have turned around and looked at your Castle, then I have received my blessing that I had hoped for, and a light is shining in my own Castle.  I pray the Lord will continue to touch your heart until you fully live there, for the magnificent Castle of Hope is your rightful home.

The Lord says, “Come home, hope-filled prisoners! This very day I’m declaring a double bonus — everything you lost returned twice-over!” Zechariah 9:12 (The Message)

In a few days Thanksgiving will land on the shores of the United States and there will be great cause for celebration!  A lot has changed since the first pilgrims landed in Plymouth in 1621.  Escaping religious persecution and surviving a hard winter, the band of settlers appropriately gave thanks to God for His care.  

Giving thanks — its not always easy to do.  The Thanksgiving of 1621 would have thrown many of us 20th century folk for a loop.  Further on down the line, Thanksgiving is still just as relevant for us as it was for those long-ago pilgrims.  No, its not about the football.  Its about remembering how God watched over those pilgrim ancestors of ours and how He still watches over us.  Every year, pilgrims land on our shores.  Perhaps we haven’t consciously thought of it this way, but persecution still exists in the world and many make the treacherous journey to the Land of the Free.  But their story doesn’t end there.  Their struggles continue with living in a land with a different language, an economic slump, and a realization that not all their dreams may come true.  Its more than culture shock and the pilgrims of 1621 experienced a little more than just culture shock too.  

So here we are, preparing to celebrate yet another Thanksgiving.  For some, it will be there first Thanksgiving.  Let this day be when we make time to think and remember how God has led us in the past — yes, even during our darkest moments.  Let this be the day when we focus not on criticism, spite, getting even, or even on common distractions, but on family, life, the small yet significant blessings, and the opportunity to reach out to others and provide hope.  For once in our lives, lets consciously dwell on giving thanks.

The Castle of Hope

Last night I didn’t go forward for prayer at church, something everybody does at the Vineyard, so today I keep thinking about it.

The impression I got is of a medieval castle.   The place is ancient, large, full of history and even suspected of being haunted, nasty with dust, and partially in ruins.

This is the Castle of Hope.  In history, a castle was built beautifully.   It was the dwelling of the ruler of a small area, plus craftsmen and servants and all their families — bustling with activity, full of all the drama of life, in all its joys and sorrows.  Religion was definitely there, but for the most part it was a very sorry thing.   Those who were sincere had nothing but a list of things they had to try not to do, and many who were highly placed in the religion were not practicing what they preached everyone else should do.  Such religion doesn’t have a whole lot to do with God, except that the hypocrites long ago encountered His fiery wrath.  But the good and the bad died and were buried.   In this world, it looked like the same thing happened to them all.  In real life, the castle is abandoned and in ruins.  Where did their hopes go, now that all these people are long gone?

When I searched my own heart, I found haunting memories of past failures.   Also, a lot of disappointment was in the way, like the dust and rubble and dashed hopes that could have filled a historical castle.  I have no complaints about others.   My church is good.   But I don’t usually feel much of anything there and that has bothered me a lot, when I had hoped that God would touch me there.   It hurts less just to forget about it all and leave the whole Castle behind, leaving myself a prisoner, since I locked myself out.  So why go up for prayer?   Might it be that the Lord’s blessing to me would come when He divinely gave me something from heaven for somebody else, causing me great joy when the Father’s love touched their heart?  That is a blessing indeed!

So today I must unlock the Castle, with its dust and rubble and ghosts.  The Lord’s promise is that He will restore what was ruined.   I like Isaiah 61:4  “And they shall rebuild the old ruins, They shall raise up the former desolations, And they shall repair the ruined cities, The desolations of many generations.”  When I am faced with an opportunity to hope again, can I trust that the Lord is able to rebuild my ruins?

Your castle was also built beautifully.   It was built as the home of a ruler.  It is also quite large.  I don’t know the nature of the dust and rubble and ghosts that drove you out of there.  It may be events that ruined your life.  It may be bad experiences with churches.  Or else it may be things you hoped God would do that never happened.  Sometimes it’s easier to leave everything where it fell and just to quit caring about it anymore.   Lock the door.  But it makes you a prisoner.

God wants you to live in your big, beautiful castle again and to be in charge of it.  His intention is for you to live once again in your Castle of Hope and for your heart and spirit to be bustling with life.  I pray that you will reopen your Castle with everything that is now in it and invite the Lord to come in.  Maybe He won’t do things your way.   Could you trust that Him to care more about rebuilding your ruins than even you do, or used to?  Can you care about these things again after you quit caring?   Go back in through the door that you locked behind you.   Do not be a prisoner any longer, locked out of what belongs to you.

If you have turned around and looked at your Castle, then I have received my blessing that I had hoped for, and a light is shining in my own Castle. I pray the Lord will continue to touch your heart until you fully live there, for the magnificent Castle of Hope is your rightful home.

“Come home, hope-filled prisoners! This very day I’m declaring a double bonus– everything you lost returned twice-over!” Zechariah 9:12 (The Message)

Pandora shut the box in time.  I still have hope and faith in our President.  The alternative to Barack Obama is not acceptable and would be dangerous to our health, wealth and safety.

Democracy Is Coming To The USA.  Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and the rest of the GOPers need to come back to reality.  Barack Obama is our democratically elected President.

J. Grant Swank, Jr.

He faced twenty years for being accused of a heinous crime.

I was substance abuse counselor at the jail at the time of his admittance.

“I fell to my knees. I cried out, ‘If there is a God, help me. My life is over.’” That was the agonizing prayer of the young, white felon.

“Then I opened my eyes. I stared into the corner of my cell. There was this Bible.”

When I first met Stan, he was walking down the jail corridor to his work station. In his hand he held a Bible. At first glance, I asked him, “Why are you reading that book?”

“Because it helps me,” he answered in a low-key voice.

The next day I asked him the same question. I got the same answer.

The next day I asked him once again the same question. Once again, I got the same answer.

The next time I asked him, getting the same answer, I told him I was one with him. I informed him that I am a Christian.

With that, we became conversational friends in jail.

One day we were talking about the strength the Word provides us when under pressure. He obviously was under a severe strain with twenty years in prison in front of him.

“The more I read this Book, the more the outside world recedes. Now I have read it through three times. I can honestly say that with this Book in my heart, I don’t care any more about the twenty years. If it’s twenty years behind bars, then it’s twenty years behind bars. I accept it as God’s will.”

It is amazing how the Bible can insulate a soul for sound mental and emotional health. The Word is powerful. It can redeem and cleanse. It can rejuvenate and implant hope. It can retrain thought patterns and emotional networks. It can perform miracles.

Stan was experiencing in jail all of these changes within his very person. From the first night, slamming his body against the cell floor in desperation, to this moment of confessing liberation, he had traveled quite the inner journey.

Being in ministry for nearly half a century, I could trust this man to be relating to me the whole truth. He had no reason to fabricate. If he had tried to fabricate, it would have shown itself without doubt, considering the twenty years in prison that was hanging his life.

I promised him that I would intercede for him in my own humble prayers. He thanked me sincerely.

We continued our friendship. Though I was employed in a secular position at the jail, yet there were opportunities for me to speak with Stan, even though briefly, about grooming his soul in the Holy Spirit’s presence.

I could not get over his words about the outside world receding the more he immersed himself in the Word. I thought of how many believers outside jail could come upon such release if they only took the time to do as Stan.

Our lives are so filled with nonsense and worldly lures.

We don’t know the freedom that we could experience if we only immersed ourselves in the Bible with greater discipline. Instead, we content ourselves with a five-and-dime religion of superficial spirituality. Television, MP3s, chit-chat on cell phones, trivia, movies and all the rest of our culture’s sidelines keep us away from soul depth.

Stan came upon God’s treasure house only because his crime had corralled himself inside a jail cell with a Book. That became his key to real-life freedom.

He was imprisoned in a July. By a miracle, the next February he was released. There is no human explanation. It is sheer miracle. It is nothing but the divine hand.

Years have passed.

Stan has proven over time his surrender to the Christ he met in the Book. Today he is a model believer, happily married and rearing a family, serving in his local church and witnessing to the power of God to set a prisoner free.

I was hesitant to read this article due to its length, but, after deciding that I didn’t have anything better to do on my lunch break while my mouse was charging, I read it in its totality.

I was totally floored.  This is important, very important.  I cannot express the magnitude of amazement that I feel reading these accounts.  I will be posting an excerpt from this article as well as a length to the whole article once a day until I run out of excerpts that I like.

You need to understand that, while Extremist Islamism is the example, the template is the same.  It should be watched for with careful eyes and mindful hearts.

If you don’t like it, don’t comment.  For those who understand, that is enough for me.

Excerpt:

“I was just amazed,” Maajid says. “We’d always seen Amnesty as the soft power tools of colonialism. So, when Amnesty, despite knowing that we hated them, adopted us, I felt – maybe these democratic values aren’t always hypocritical. Maybe some people take them seriously … it was the beginning of my serious doubts.”

See the full article here: http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/johann-hari/renouncing-islamism-to-the-brink-and-back-again-1821215.html

A policeman murdered his soon-to-be wife; bludgeoned her to death before staging a fatal car accident.

Hundreds are bereft of their homes; flooded out a month before Christmas.

A forty-six year old man has spent half his life in a conscious state of paralysis; believed comatose, unable to communicate his awareness.

I struggle to comprehend.

Still less should I complain.

The dishes are dirty and they are on the countertop.  Someone must do something about this.  I am too busy to rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher and after all that put soap in it, and close it and then turn it on.

It is too much.  It a shackle around 30 minutes.   There are more important things for me to do.   I would very much like to address a much needed bath and bottle of Spanish wine.  As well, I have the important task of briefly looking at papers and then putting them in order of importance, and then finding a place to put the papers somewhere until they become irrelevant.

There are other serious problems.  The fact I can’t command my coffee cup to fill itself and come to my beckoning is very disturbing.  It is not the worst problem but it is a good indicator at how bad things really are.  No one I’v talked to can order their coffee cup full.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten the bathroom.  Or caring for clothes and other fabrics.  It is almost too much to bare   – think about it.  How can I be expected to get any of this done while I am in the tub watching the soft flicker of candles as I listen to public radio’s jazz hour and reread “The Marching Drum”?

As a move toward solidarity and progress, we should seek to end these horrendous problems that infect billions of people with chronic suffering through these problems tedious continuality and lasting residue on their lives’ time.

No one should turn their eyes away from these atrocities that cripple time and force people into predictive patterns of humdrum behaviors.  No one should have to clean a toilet again!   Can you imagine a world where all tasks of maintenance  are performed automatically?  The windows clean themselves?

When objects do as they are commanded?  “Come here keys!”  could be heard all over the world.  We the American people need to be a good example for rest of the world and move forward to solve these problems of human life.  How much suffering should people be expected to endure?  All possible resources should be put into these problems. The inefficiency of these problems is costing us too heavy a price.   We are supposed to happy with automated vacuum cleaners or airplanes or radios that don’t even work well?  I tell you now -these sloppy quick fixes are not enough.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my discovery of the Incarnation Figure as an archetype in storytelling. There are obvious connections between this and the Christ Figure that w are so familiar with given that the Christ that the figures tend to emulate began being Christ through incarnation, the embodiment of something greater in than our world in our world. But the difference that I pointed out is that Christ Figures tend to have death and resurrection or sacrificial element to them and Incarnation Figures don’t always express that.
As intriguing and powerful as Christ Figures can be, I find them troublesome at times. I have seen too many Christians try to grade a story’s value on the presence or lack of Christ Figure. If it has one, it’s a good story, if not it fails. And this is whether the story is told well or the characters are believable or if there is any suspense to make us care what happens.
The other problem I frequently see is when a Christ figure is imposed in attempts to co-opt a story and make it a Christian tale. Take “The Matrix” for example. Certainly there is the element of sacrifice on Neo’s part as he stays behind to let the others escape. And there is something of death and resurrection. But did he really die? OR did he simply, finally understand the Matrix well enough to know that he didn’t have to die there? To me this story is more about faith and finding out what can happen when you truly believe more than it is about a Christ figure and the redemption that follows.
People often describe Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings as a Christ figure. Again there is a certain validity to that in terms of his death and resurrection. But as much as he is a Christ Figure, he is also an Odin Figure, at least up until the resurrection point. It’s almost as if Gandalf starts as Odin and finishes as Christ. And that’s not much a of a stretch given that Odin is a bit of Christ Figure himself, sacrificing himself unto himself.
But my favorite example of the failings of the overstressed Christ Figure is Hell Boy. In the second Hell Boy movie, the story follows the typical Christ Figure arch, as he sacrifices himself to save another, descends into the pits to eradicate the forces of evil and save all the Earth. Powerful stuff. But how many Christians stumble on this because he is a demon – and not just any demon, Satan’s son who’s true destiny is to bring ultimate destruction on the Earth? Is such a character an acceptable Christ Figure?
I think this is one of those examples that parallels the story of the Bronze Snake from scripture. God commanded Moses to make a bonze statue of a snake. This statue heals anyone that looks at it. The odd part is that most times that snakes appear in scripture, they are symbols of evil, demons or Satan himself. Jesus later tells us that the snake was an image of him. The image of evil expresses the ultimate good. Perhaps Hell Boy falls in this same category.

[I gave this paper at the Film-Philosophy Conference in July 2009, this is the unedited final transcript (I did read out most of it, even though I tried to pretend I was making it up as I went! - Plus, it includes almost entirely earlier section on hope from the blog - here, I've confessed it all!]

Godard’s La chinoise and the apprenticeship of hopefulness (without hope)

Godard’s La chinoise, made in 1967, concerns a small group of student-militants, Maoists, who, having a bourgeois flat at their disposal over the summer, read, discuss and perform Marxist theory in order to be able to put it into practice: an attempt that, at least in the confines of the plot of the film, fails. This is a most banal outline of the plot, the simplest that one can abstract from the plethora of images, colours, dialogues, texts, sounds, ideas and more that dominate and complicate the plot of the film. In a way the plot is both primary and secondary: the film has a clear narrative, it leads to a dénouement, and so the plot structures the film. But the plot is secondary to the atmosphere of the film, the spirit of the film, which is constituted by what Rancière calls the “represented matter” of the film: Marxism, or Maoism, as “a catalogue of images, a panoply of objects, a repertoire of phrases, a programme of action: courses, recitations, slogans, gymnastic exercises”. As Rancière says, “Godard is not filming “Marxists” […] he is making cinema with marxism [Il fait du cinéma avec le marxisme]”.

Like most of Godard’s films, La chinoise is a didactic film, its main aim is to teach both the characters, who are being “educated” in Marxism-leninism, and the audience, who is supposed to engage critically with the “represented matter” of the film (and not just enjoy its aesthetics). It is a film “in the course of being made” as the inter-titles keep reminding us. How do we understand this? First, it draws our attention to when the film was made: it was made in 1967, and placed itself very much in the situation at the time. It was a critical engagement with what was happening at the moment in France, which as everyone knows, culminated in the movement of May 68. It is thus a film in the course of writing itself, in its time.

The inter-title also points to the fact that despite having a “completed version”, the film is incomplete: it is in the course of completion. It needs an audience, an audience that is called to listen, see, read, feel with the characters, all the while distancing itself as a critic, so as to not get too taken by their enunciations, in order to keep in view the contradictions that lead to the dénouement. However, as the audience, we must also place ourselves within the discourse, if we are to grasp at all the essence of the argument. For the plot is an argument, a critique of the student movement, an exposition of the inherent problem of the dialectic of theory and practice, a questioning of the naïve call for authenticity in Mao’s On Practice (or in a different reading, it could be a critique of the dogmatic deviation (from Mao), i.e., taking words and phrases from Marxist theorists, torn out of context, and repeating them blindly, dogmatically); it is moreover, a criticism, constructive, of the rush in which the characters find themselves, their unchecked, onanistic, indeed, dogmatic optimism (for it is not merely an “optimism of the will” here, but a naïve and dangerous optimism of ‘knowing’ that one is on the right path, a ‘knowledge’ that brooks no questioning).

All the same, the attempt at an Althusserian “autocritique” is not absent; it is simply not accomplished well. Within the closed confines of the bourgeois flat where they find themselves, the outside enters only in flashing images, in memories that cut through occasionally to show that there is indeed a world outside. However, this flash of the outside world is evanescent, even uncritiqued until the end of the film (where we suddenly and uncomfortably enter it). The slogan on the wall enjoins us to confront vague ideas with clear images, but this confrontation is something the audience must try to accomplish, it is not something that the characters can do very well: the onanism of their ideas confined within phrases thrown at each other, all the while never leaving the stark primary colours of their flat, necessitates their remaining vague. Outside the flat, the “reality”, the “unclear images” that they must confront is more impure, more complex, than the pure colours, the apparent clear simplicity (but really, vagueness) of ideas that the confines of the flat allow.

Clarity is afforded near the end of the film in the dialogue in the train between Francis Jeanson and Véronique (Anne Wiazemsky), the first proper scene that takes place outside the flat. But this clarity is only for us, the audience. It illuminates to us what has gone before, and is thus a retrospective clarity. It puts into perspective all that we experienced and thought in the flat. It gives us a chance to dissolve the boundaries of the pure colours of the flat, confronting it with the impure reality of the situation. If up to this point we were overwhelmed by the plethora of ideas thrown at us in the flat, we get a chance to suddenly confront the impurity of the situation – a situation which would not allow for a simple unmediated application of ideas, which for all their analysis remain painfully insufficient when it comes to the actual situation. This is what Véronique refuses to see, and what drives the plot to its tragic dénouement. The plot is tragic in a very basic sense: the dénouement is a necessary outcome of the very explicit tragic development of the plot. We even have a prediction: the words of Francis Jeanson in the train: “The way you’re going you won’t last a week, as I see it. I think you’re heading to a dead end”. Which gets us to the other clarity afforded to us, this time an anticipatory one. But this anticipation is not limited to the plot of the film, to what actually passes in the film. The anticipation is the fictional logical unfolding of the characters future, of which we are afforded but a glimpse in the last part of the film. The anticipatory clarity illuminates the necessity of “apprenticeship” and of patience. For us, the audience, it is a question of “knowing that suffering produces patience, and patience produces enduring fidelity, and enduring fidelity produces hope, and hope does not disappoint” (Badiou quoting St. Paul).

The characters are thrown into the outside world, where they must confront the quotidian in all its impurity, and enter their apprenticeship of life, the adventure of learning through practice. Guillaume Mesiter, the actor (played by Jean-Pierre Léaud), starts on his “theatrical vocation and his years of apprenticeship and his voyages on the route of a true socialist theatre”. This, I would argue is an apprenticeship of hope.

The tragedy, if we follow Badiou’s categorization in Theory of the Subject, is not Sophoclean but Aeschylean. It is not what Badiou calls “a reversal of restoration”, a return to a “framework of regulations” that is in question here (though such a reading is equally valid, and there are enough signs in the film that point to a Sophoclean end). But in a stronger reading (one that I prefer!) it can be seen as gesturing towards a “reversal of exile”, a reversal that is an “advent”, a “division beyond the law”, “the direction of which is the contradictory advent of justice by the courage of the new”. It is not simply a return to order, though there is a partial return – which is the immediate failure that the characters suffer; there is also the opening up of a possibility of a recomposition of a new order, the advent of hope.

We said that the plot concluded in a failure. But what is it to fail? This is the question which prefaces Badiou’s little book on the communist hypothesis. The answer we get is that of a doubling, a division of the concept of defeat, where the immediate “negative” part of a defeat (death, imprisonment, loss of force; in the film, an apparent “return to order”) is opposed to the “positive” aspect of the defeat: the re-thinking of tactics/strategy, change of models of action, invention of new forms of organisation. As Badiou phrases it, “the misfortune of failure changes into the combative excellence of a knowledge”. This explanation is not far from what Mao gives us in his On Practice, where defeats equal experience, and it is only through repeated failures that one can gain a correct knowledge of the situation. The film’s last act enacts this double aspect of defeat.

Véronique’s problem, in sum, was the problem of gaining knowledge, which is also the pivotal question of the film, the maoist one of the “relation between knowing and doing”. The film begins with positing “the principal problem of socialist strategy”, which is that of “creating the objective and subjective conditions which would make mass revolutionary action possible”. In the course of discussions in the flat, a question is posed (and reiterated): “where do correct ideas come from?” – the maoist/marxist answer is given: “they come from practice, which is class struggle”. In the conversation with Francis Jeanson, this is the problem Véronique struggles with: “if I ever want to acquire knowledge, it is necessary that I pass first through practice […] If I want to know the theory and methods of revolution, then I am obliged to participate, practically, in a revolution”. With the “knowledge” that all knowledge must come from practice, she was impatient, too impatient in fact, to get this knowledge. In the lack of a revolution she could participate in, she was ready to “invent a revolution” – an effort that necessarily led to a tragic dénouement.

But – and here the motif of the meta-plot of the film comes into play – this tragic dénouement is not the end, it is but a beginning. It is indeed the end of a beginning, end of a failed temporal sequence, but more profoundly it is, as Véronique says in the last phrase of the film: “only the first timid step of a long march”: a step that ends a disastrous beginning, but more importantly looks forward with hopefulness.

This hopefulness is of necessity abstract. There is no concrete telos that this hope points to; it is not hope of a “reward”. It is, as Badiou says, “a simple imperative of continuation, a principle of tenacity, of obstinacy”, or in Paolo Freire’s words, it is a hope “rooted in men’s incompletion, from where they move out in constant search”.

Hope is not bound to a telos. Hope is often understood as something that aims at a concrete telos: A hopes for x; if A gets x, the hope is fulfilled; if not, it is thwarted. As if hope could be reduced to an economy of goods. How useful could such an understanding be? Would it not be better to understand hope only in an abstract sense? Hope, understood not as hope for a telos, but as hopefulness.

Abstract hope points not to a reward, but to a future, a future that is not-yet. In the present, this hope is only hopeful perseverance. This hope cannot be reduced to desire – though the two are intertwined. The definition must be circular. Hope is hopefulness. It is hopeful patience, but not a passive patience: hope is a struggle for continuation in hopefulness. Simple passivity can only allow for an absence of hope, a giving up. As Freire says, “as long as I fight, I am moved by hope; and if I fight with hope, then I can wait”. Hope is the imperative: do not give up!

However, hope is not dogmatic optimism, where we are secure in our possibly misguided, and necessarily naïve, “knowledge” that we are on the right path, a “knowledge” that brooks no questioning. Such dogmatic optimism cannot allow for an opening up of a universe of hope – it will necessarily limit it within the contours of its limited (but exalted) knowledge. Hope, which is not naïve optimism, will allow subjectively for a creative unfolding of a world of possibilities.

Hope is the essence of the subject, it “pertains to endurance, perseverance, to patience; it is the subjectivity proper to the continuation of the subjective process” – the subject continues in hope, and the perseverance of the subject is guided by a hope which gestures towards a world of possibility. Hope is an apprenticeship.

It is helpful to compare this concept of hopefulness to the closely related Badiouian concept of courage. Courage, in Logics of Worlds is one of the four subjective modalities, or affects (others being terror, anxiety and justice) that indicate the incorporation of a human-being into a subjective truth process.

[I was playing with the idea of fitting a character of the film with each of these four affects. Véronique-Terror (“desire for a great point, a decisive discontinuity which will institute the new world in a single blow”); Henri- anxiety (“the retreat before the obscurities of discontinuities, the desire for a continuity”); Guillaume-courage (“the acceptance of plurality of points, of the fact that discontinuities are at once inexorable and multiform” – i.e, his search for a “true socialist theatre”); and justice-Francis Jeanson, playing himself (“to affirm the equivalence of what is continuous and negotiated, and of what is discontinuous and violent”)]

But we can go back even further and look at the concept of courage in Theory of the Subject, where courage is “the divisible process of [the subject’s] intrinsic existence” and can be compared to “fortitudo (fortitude of strength of mind)” distinguishing it from mere “audacia (audacity or boldness)”. The subject, moves from mere audacity to a patient insistence that accompanies its incorporation into a truth process, the holding on to the point that as been seized: “the subject as courage, turns the radical absence of any security into its force”. This courage is also hope, which is the principle of the apprenticeship that the characters enter into. This apprenticeship comes in the form of a subtraction from the tragic dénouement of a return to order, the reign of the law, and gestures towards the opening up of a process whose guiding norm is hopefulness.

Two dialogues, made in the course of the fictional interviews with the characters in the flat may give us some sense of what this gesture may be. Véronique declares: “It is because everything is not clear that I continue to study, study to understand, then to transform, but to understand first”. And Guillaume, the actor, the one who, at the end of the film, is explicitly placed under the sign of an apprenticeship, declares: “Are not the words I pronounce, so awkwardly and blindly, part of a great unknown play, continuing through me […] its direction/sense incomplete, searching in me and with me all the actors and all the decors in its great naked discourse.”

These “vague ideas” articulated in the confines of the flat, are now confronted with “clear images” that confusedly whelm the new apprentices of life, apprentices in hopefulness. We are not yet presented with any resolution to the dialectic – only with an anticipation, the anticipation of an opening.

We said in the very beginning that this was a didactic film. Framed as an attempt to answer a question (“how is mass revolutionary activity possible in the present”); its form (the plot) and its matter (marxism) all tried in various ways to answer this question. No satisfactory conclusion was reached (except that “this is just a first step”). Nothing happened. No revolution was on the horizon. Everything went back to order – arguably, there was no opening here of any possibility or of hope. But, in the last act, we are presented with the “apprenticeship” of the actor, searching for a true socialist theatre, in ruins that have “theatre year zero” painted on them. The didactic nature of the film itself became ambiguous, retrospectively: the film “in the course of being made”, became also a film “in search” of its conclusion.

The film ends with a reflection on theatre, and the commencement of an apprenticeship, in search, not only of a new politics, but also of a new aesthetics.

I am thankful for the abundance of joy and happiness in my life. We are each of us reponsible for our own joy and happiness. If you are in a relationship and the other person does not make you happy it is because only you can make youself happy. It is a concious decision. Do yourself a huge favor this Thanksgiving season. Decide to be happy. It is the best gift that you will ever get! Celebrate the joy that surrounds each of us if we just take the time to look for it!

Presenting Plato’s Atlantis, the Spring/Summer 2010 collection by reportedly Excellent designer Alexander McQueen.

God is a fortress and lately, I’ve just wanted to dwell on that fact, and He is.  When you think of a fortress you think of four impenetrable walls, built to protect. Now, put yourself in the middle of that.  Because lately, that’s where I’ve been picturing myself, and when I’m here, God surrounds me.

A fortress is a safe place to be, is it not?  Especially if you feel something about life’s circumstances has become overwhelming, and if that’s the case, then put yourself in the fortress and let God surround you.

Actually, as of late I’ve been giving a lot of thought to moments in my life where God literally dove into my situation and covered me.  Or, maybe it’s because lately I’ve so needed Him He’s been bringing to my mind all of these particular situations: “remember when I did that?“  And me: “Yes, Lord.”  And some of these moments were truly amazing, to the point I was pretty much awe struck, “WOW!”  Case in point: San Diego. 2003. Vacation.

Except, strolling about Coronado Island one evening I step off the curb and twist my ankle, (can we say grace?) and without a doubt break one of the small bones in the top of my foot at which, I almost faint – great! Later, I find myself at the emergency room at Balboa Hospital where, I wait… and wait… and wait some more, (yeah, apparently a small broken bone at the top of one’s foot, isn’t high priority on an emergency room waiting list).

Now, being almost midnight at this point, my family decides to EXIT the picture, (hey, the kids have got to go to bed) and I’m left at the emergency room ALONE with the prospect of taking a cab back to our hotel room.  After waiting it out at least another hour I finally decide there’s probably not a whole lot they’re gonna do for a hairline fracture anyway, and so… I call the cab.  And believe me, this story just gets better.  The cab driver has to meet me at the guard shack, (yeah, this is a Navy Hospital, post 9/11) so… I have to walk/limp half a mile to the security gate to meet the driver.  It’s probably about 1:30 in the morning at this point at which, arriving at the cab, I’m starting to look a little bit like a shady character in a seedy story,  and how do I know this? because the cab driver propositioned me.

Anyway, as he drives me back to my hotel I do my best at explaining how I ended up in this predicament in the first place but, to be honest, I really don’t think he believes me.  Oh well.  Arriving at my destination, I quickly thank him and exit the cab, “whew! this night is almost over.”

Entering the hotel lobby I pass a couple of clerks who sit sleepily behind a desk, though, I don’t think either of them really notice me so, I head for the elevators,  and for some reason in this hotel, the elevators are tucked around a corner and way in the back but, I’m not thinking about that. All I can think about at this point is… I just want to go to bed.

So, rounding the corner I arrive at the elevators where, SURPRISE! a man sits on a nearby bench, and why? I have no idea, except that, for some reason,  it feels out of place.  “Oh well,” and shrugging it off I hit the elevator UP button and this, this is when the man decides to stand and wait with me, and this, this is the moment when my RED FLAG alert sounds: “ALERT! ALERT!” as sirens blare in the background, “DANGER AHEAD!”

I freeze, lost in a flurry of thoughts while sirens continue to blare in my head, still waiting for the elevator doors to open. Now, at this point, looking back, I could have just walked away, (or tried) and gone back to the lobby but, for some reason, I didn’t. Like I said, I froze, and it’s here that I began having an internal dialogue with God, “God, I really don’t want to get on the elevator alone with this guy. God, I REALLY don’t want to get on the elevator alone with this guy.”  Well, you get my drift, “GOD… help me.” Over and over and over again until the elevator doors finally open. Now, I don’t remember who stepped on first, I think it was me and then, “the man” followed.  All I know is that once we stepped on the elevator and turned around, “an elderly couple” came out of no where and stepped on the elevator with us and when I say “no where” I mean no where.  As in: they weren’t there until they literally stepped onto the elevator. Like, “now you see them, now you don’t,” kind of stuff.  Like, “poof!” and in an instant they were there, and in an instant, my prayer was answered. Huh, I even remember the look on the man’s face when they appeared, like, “where the hel… I mean heck did they come from?” And mine too, except… I knew

God: “remember when I did that?” Me: “yeah, God. That was awesome!“

In this short clip the Dispatch foundation document the beauty, crisis and hope for Zimbabwe in 2007.

Do you think these charity organisations are making a difference to the lives of those that need help ?

Yesterday I had a birthday. I have reached the last year of my fifties. It was a day with some reflection as I thought back. I always reflect back to the day JFK was killed on my b’day in 1963. And, since this is the last year of this decade, I looked back to Y2K and my life over the past 10 years.

There have been a LOT of HIGHS!!!!

Family – I saw my son graduate from medical school and residency. He got engaged, married and has given us 2 very beautiful grand-children to spoil. These points are the highest on the list, because I was able to share all of them with the woman who saved my life ~ my wife.

Career ~ I saw my career move forward, and then come to a screeching halt the moment of my heart attack, the second I hit the carpeted floor in my den. But, I was eventually able to retire and I do NOT miss going to work every day.

Spirituality ~ I’ve always been a believer. But, my beliefs have increased a hundred fold. No, a thousand times, as I’ve personally seen the POWER of prayer. I pray daily, and always for others and give thanks for all that I have. I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Friends ~ Oh my …… there have been many people who have walked into my life, and some have walked out of it in the past 10 years. They run the full gambit of personalities, races, religions, males, females, the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn’t hate any of them, but I truly love many of them.

Health ~ Physical & Mental ~ I went from good health, to my life changing event of a heart transplant, and back to decent health again. I’ve learned more about humility, and emotions of the heart in the past couple of years, than at any point in my life.

Below is something I believe. I’m not sure if I know “EXACTLY” where yet, but I am getting closer. Time to end looking back at the past as much and look more to the future.

This is a really well written and informative article I ran across at clugmagonline.com. I never pass up the opportunity to retain knowledge and wisdom from outside sources, it helps. I encourage everyone reading this to grasp the jewels needed for life. 

Enjoy:

And You Say He’s Just A Friend

Monday Nov 23, 2009 – By Alaina L. Lewis

Love used to start out with the same ole scenario that carefully played out over the harmonious chirps of a blue bird fluttering high in the clear blue sky. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl hit it off, then boy breaks out the knee pads and pops the question. Err– maybe back in 1983.

It’s 2009 Ladies. It seems like you can barely get a man to pick his chin up off the floor after he’s made a mistake so I wouldn’t be one to assume he’s “gentleman” enough to stoop down to make any statement of importance. Unless by chance they’re playing Get Low in a local nightclub and he’s the type who is constantly victimized by the rhythm and the beat. (See Dave Chappelle’s White People Dancing).

Face it, we’re living in the modern era, when the ideas and practices of yesteryear are about as old school as waiting until marriage to swap more than spit or exchange front door keys.

So as love changes and the normal rules become a hesitant action, so do the channels we must go through to find a mate who’s ready to comply with our virtuous plan.

So what happens when you actually meet that man of your dreams and you’re unsure of his agenda or confused about his long-term intentions when considering his rules of the game? Is he all about booty calls, temporary love affairs, open-ended relationships, short-term thrills and chills, or is there anyone out here that still believes in playing for keeps?

(Of course… and please give them my number if you come across one. Thank you.)

But seriously, the one thing I will say for certain that goes without a doubt when discerning whether your potential Prince is worth more than the 5 minutes he invests in the bedroom after splitting the cost of theater popcorn or the tab at your favorite restaurant, is that the words he sows, are about as matter of fact as the statements he’s not making pertaining to his participation in the “real-lationship.”

If a man says he’s just a “friend” and is not looking for anything more at the present moment, then the only thing you need to question is why you’re assuming that you can change his perspective, if that’s your mission at the present time.

For some reason many of us look at the “friend” barrier like climbing the wall during basic training: a small challenge that will lead to a victorious outcome. We take the statement lightly, canoodle ’til our hearts desire, live for the moment and dare to cross those physical boundaries, all the while being met by a mutual response from a man who’d never turn down candy for a carrot.

Needless to say, we find ours hearts latching on to their actions and begin to believe the hype associated with any clever opportunist, which is what they are, while pretending as if his “friend” statement was just a defense against hurt. Remember, no man is dumb enough to pass on what you’re willing to hand out freely when knowing his position to remain uncommitted from the very beginning.

I don’t care how good your nookie is or if you can burn a mean casserole, while simultaneously flushing a car engine, and juggling tree (three) jobs like your Jamaican neighbor. When going on that quest to make a man eat his words and rush to love, you’d probably have better luck finding the lost city of Atlantis.

No matter how many times you try to impress your “friend” with your caring heart, or argue your point in a heated debate about taking the friendship to the next level, the only person who stands to get hurt is the one who has the expectations apart from the initial understanding.

Side stepping on that truth is what has us pissed off when we see our wannabe Romeo arm and arm with another chick in a sailor suit threatening to rock the boat we swore we had anchored at our dock.

Even worse, don’t be surprised if you were hanging on for years and he up and marries a woman he just met a couple months ago, who as the saying goes, is “everything you’re not” to him or just somehow made an impression in an hour that you had spent months trying imprint on him.

Whether a man means what he says or is just playing hard to get, the only thing that can come from taking a risk like dating a “friend” is the ladder of potential hurt that stems from assuming it’s all in the bag when we’re figuring that we’ve got the “stuff” that he needs to make him change his heart on the situation.

Remember, men usually know what they want and rarely pass on their desires to let someone else have a chance at their target. PREACH! Men know exactly what it is they want, if a man sees you as a “diamond” and believes everything about you is beautiful….why would he want to keep you on the market for other men to have the opportunity to see your beauty? With no title people are still available to search for other options. Don’t assume and prolong a deadend situation.

Don’t give the obligation you have to your heart to someone who doesn’t want to be in your heart or protect it from pain.

When they say they’re not interested in a relationship they’re letting you know that either they’re not ready for love, or you’re not the love they’re ready for or interested in. Either way, hope for the best..and prepare for the worst.

It’s not our duty to wait on them. It’s our right to be chosen. So if he says he’s just a friend, then it is your job to protect your feelings and keep it that way.

Welcome back, brothers and sisters!!!

Today we are going to discuss the parable of the wedding banquet.  This is a parable that Jesus spoke to the chief priests and Pharisees of the temple.  The parable is as follows:

“The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, whcih made a marriage for his son, And sent forth his servants to call them that were bidden to the wedding:  and they would not come.  Again, he sent forth other servants, saying, ‘Tell them which are bidden, ‘Behold, I have prepared my dinner:  my oxen and my fatlings are killed, and all things are ready:  come unto the marriage.”  But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise:  And the remnant took his servants, and intreated them spitefully, and slew them.”

“But when the king heard thereof, he was wroth:  and he sent forth his armies, and destroyed those murderers, and burned up their city.  Then saith he to his servants, ‘The wedding is ready, but they which were bidden were not worthy.  Go ye therefore into the highways, and as many as ye shall find, bid to the marriage.’  So those servants went out into the highways, and gathered together all as many as they found, both bad and good:  and the wedding was furnished with guests.”

“And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there was a man which had not on a wedding garment:  And he saith unto him, ‘Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment?’  And he was speechless.  Then said the king to the servants, ‘Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness;  there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’  For many are called, but few are chosen.” – Mattew 22:2-14 (KJV)

Brothers and sisters, let’s break down the parable, staring with the cast.

The king of the parable represents God the Father.  The son that the king has arranged a marriage for is Jesus Christ.  The bride to be is the church of Christ, which is all who live in the Lord.  The servants that were sent out to invite the guests represent the prophets.  The first group of guests that was repeatedly invited was the Israelites, God’s chosen people.  Remember, that though many prophets were respected and revered for a time, they usually ended up being persecuted/killed by the very people they were trying to reach with God’s message.

The second group of guests are the Gentiles, or the non-Jews.  When the Jewish people repeatedly rejected the Father, His word, and ultimately Jesus Christ and the Gospel He shared, the Gentiles were blessed with the opportunity to receive the Gospel and to receive Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior while also receiving the gift of salvation that is found only in the only begotten Son of God.

Why was the one guest in the parable cast into outer darkness for not having on a wedding garment?  The answer is simple.  Do you know what the wedding garment is that the guests were to be clothed with?  Consider the following scripture:

“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God;  for He hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, He hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.” – Isaiah 61:10 (KJV)

You see, beloved, in order to attend the marriage of the Lamb of God, we must be attired appropriately.  We know that the only person we can get the appropriate attire from is Jesus Christ.  Why?  Through Jesus our sins are washed away, our hearts are purified, and we are clothed with the robe of righteousness.  The person in the parable without the robe of righteousness was a person that had not given their life to Jesus Christ, and was subsequently not wearing the necessary robe of righteousness.  Therefore, the inappropriately attired guest offended the king (God the Father). 

Brothers and sisters, there are people in this world who call themselves Christians, yet Christ is not found anywhere in them.  Such people often assume that going to church, periodically praying, and sometimes reading the bible and quoting chapter and verse is sufficient.  These are usually people that rejoice in sin Monday through Saturday, while attempting to live a Christian life on Sunday.  These are referred to as Sunday Christians, or Convenient Christians, and they do not have a place at the Lord’s table.  Why?  Beloved, Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior 365 days/year and 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Likewise, we are to be His servants at all times as well, living obediently and faithfully in serving Him.  Unfortunately, some are not sincere in their service to the Lord.  Jesus spoke of such people when He said the following about the day of judgment:

“Not everyone that saith unto Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter into the kingdom of heaven;  but he that doeth the will of My Father which is in heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name?  and in thy name have cast out devils?  and in thy name done many wonderful works?’  And then I will profess unto them, ‘I never knew you:  depart from Me, ye that work iniquity.” – Matthew 7:21-23 (KJV)

You see, beloved, while we can fool our fellow man into believing that we are someone we are not, God always knows who we are.  God knows our hearts and knows all there is to possibly know about us.  A few acts, or a few words, do not make a faithful and obedient servant in Christ.  A faithful and obedient servant of the Lord lives in service to Him at all times, while also having the Lord in his/her heart at all times.  We love His word, regularly study it, and He writes it into our hearts.  We take every opportunity to share the Lord’s love and word with anyone we can reach.  We are never ashamed to confess to others that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior, and Jesus is not ashamed of presenting us to the Father and speaking on our behalf.  Beloved, let’s live Christ in our lives all day, every single day.  Let’s study His word regularly as diligent students, and let’s do His work always as faithful and obedient servants are to do.  The Lord has already given us everything by blessing us with the gift of salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.  Let’s show Him how much we appreciate His sacrifice, His love, and His forgiveness by doing His work and will unceasingly and with a glad heart.

Beloved, if you have not yet received Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, but you would sincerely like to, then please pray the following prayer:

“Lord God Almighty, I know that I am a sinner and that I am lost.  I know that I need to be saved from sin, but I also know that I can’t save myself.  Lord Jesus, I know that only You can save me.  I know that you paid for my salvation with your own life and blood on the cross.  I know that when You rose from the grave on the third day, you provided everlasting life to all who trust in You.  Right now, I lay down my life and let go of my pride, my vanity and every other sin that has kept me from You.  Lord Jesus, I now completely trust my life to You.  I open my heart to You, Lord.  Please come into my heart.  Please forgive me of all of my sins, and please accept me as Your child.  From this point on, I commit my life to You.  Please guide me and provide me strength as I begin to live the rest of my life for You.  In Your precious and matchless name I pray. Amen.”

I you just prayed that prayer, honestly seeking the Lord, then you are now saved.  The robe of righteousness is now available unto you, and though you will still face adversity in this world, you now have the Lord with you to face and overcome anything that comes your way.  Nurture your relationship with the Lord by talking to Him often through prayer with thanks and supplication, while also studying His word.  Ask the Lord to guide your every path, and follow the path that He sets before you.  You no longer serve the sins and lusts of this world.  Your chains that tied you to the things of this world have now been broken.  Serve the Lord with all your heart, and always seek His will in all things.  Welcome to the family:-)  Know that the angels in heaven are rejoicing at your decision to give your life to the Lord!!!

I want to thank you all for joining in on today’s discussion.  I hope you will be able to join us for tomorrow’s next message.

I hope you have a wonderful and blessed rest of the day.  Remember, you are loved by the very Creator of earth, the heavens, and all life with a love that is perfect, complete, and powerful beyond our present ability to fully comprehend.  Precious one, He made you in your mother’s womb, and you are very special to Him:-)

May the Lord bless you, keep you, guide you, and make His face to shine upon you and your loved ones always.

Your brother in Christ,

Rev Jason Thurwanger

We’ve just finished a brief study of Nehemiah in our church.  So much more to say, so much more to learn but Nehemiah contains wonderful life lessons for keeping on with courage and hope in the midst of very trying circumstances.

Nehemiah went back to Jerusalem in the 5th century B.C. to rebuild the broken down, burned up wall around the city.  He had to rally people who were discouraged and disinterested, people who were mistreating each other and making “deals with the devil” (a guy named Tobiah who was one of the opponents against the rebuilding of the wall!)  Nehemiah got everyone going on the rebuilding of the wall.  He stationed troops at the weak points, the breaches where the enemy could get in.  He had the builders hold a tool in one hand and a sword in another and keep going.  The workers even carried their swords when they went to get water and they worked from dawn to night with guards posted at night.

They were pretty serious over rebuilding this wall once Nehemiah got them started.  It’s not easy to fight the discouraging voices around us, even those in our own head – and it’s not easy to do the right thing – be responsible, keep on going, do the hard, unglamorous tasks when others are doing other things that are easier.

But, I have learned a beautiful thing about discouragement – God is most present when we are enduring the worst and hoping for the best.  He is there, sparkling in the darkness.

So, pick up your sword – by the way, that’s a metaphor for prayer and the Word and asking God for a fresh anointing of His Spirit.  Keep on.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

Tonight I walked in front of this old school I used to go to many years ago. It’s still the same but with minor differences. The swing sets are gone. Some bricks are mildly undone.

I wasn’t the cool guy at school. I was the silent type. I was shy. During recess, I had some funny jokes to tell, and I was sure that they were funny, but I wouldn’t dare to tell them. At some point some cool guy would walk in and say something funny. I remember I wanted to be like them. I didn’t want to be bullied. I wanted to laugh and yell and act like a little man.

I remember this very cute and cool girl at school. I was so much in love with her. I think she was too. But there was this thing. This limit. She had cool friends and I didn’t. Sometimes she would reach to me. Sometimes she would come to me and talk to me but every time she would do this, some cool friend of her’s would jump in ” Hey, why are you hanging out with this weirdo? ” and she would leave with that person.

So I ended up watching her evolve as a young woman through the years. During high school she stopped coming towards me. We now were in separate classes. Sometimes I would sit in the cafeteria and watch her. Her boyfriends would never treat her right. I wanted to beat the hell out of them and save her. I knew I was able to treat her right. But I never had the strength. I didn’t have it in my arms, I didn’t have it in my heart and I didn’t have it in my soul.

Then I became very sick. I stopped going to school. I stopped going everywhere. I stayed at home. I read. I wrote. I listened. I watched. I began to think. By myself. I began to talk. I became stronger. Maybe not in my arms, but in my heart and soul. And that’s 2 out of 3.

As the years flew by, she went away like the others. I stayed here in my little hometown. I was alone, but I was also with myself. I found myself through these difficult years. I built myself. And now, here I am.

And there she is.

‘Did you ever imagine you’d be sitting here with me like this when we were at school?’ he said.
‘With you driving and your wife and your daughter? No way,’ I replied from the back of the car.
Flash back more than fifteen years to when I was a teenager and in my imagination I can see it as it was, a vividly different world. I had a schoolgirl crush on this guy in the year below me at school for what felt like an eternity, but thinking about it must have been at most two years. I felt flushed every time we spoke to each other, and every single word felt heavy with a subtext and a question – do you even like me?

My brain overthought everything to the point of making even the most straightforward conversation painful and awkward. Everything mattered deeply, every comment, look, gesture was analysed and interpreted to reveal whether the person who uttered, glanced, waved at you liked you or not. And if you thought they didn’t it really REALLY mattered.

I thought that nobody could have ever experienced this much pounding discomfort from being in love. It felt heavy and sharp in every cell of my body. It ached.
Man, I am so glad I’m not a teenager anymore.
I couldn’t have imagined, aged 14, being able to sit in the company of this guy with equanimity, completely at ease, not thinking about the conversation, not panicking about what I was saying and how it would be interpreted, not fretting about giving the game away. I couldn’t imagine not being in love with him.
And then when we left school, we almost immediately dropped out of each other’s lives and I couldn’t imagine there would ever be a time when I would chatting away to him in the middle of a weekend away. Sitting in the back of his car. With his wife. And his daughter.
Lots changes in fifteen years but that doesn’t stop life from throwing you the occasional pleasant surprise, to remind you of how far you’ve come and give you the imagination to see how far there could still be to go.