Bệnh gì mà bệnh, ngày mai đi học rồi đấy…

Trán vẫn nóng hầm hập…

Thế mà vẫn phải học đây…

Ôm cái lap, ngồi trên giường, đắp chăn mà vẫn run cầm cập. Vậy mà vẫn phải học thôi :-<

Thực hiện nghĩa vụ quân sự [down mấy cái clips Hóa cho Mr. Penguin, rồi love cái ông super professor ngố ngố yêu yêu ấy, rồi cảm thấy 5 tiết học/tuần với Mr.Penguin là such a waste of time]

Rồi 9 bài Hình học nè.

Rồi còn phải học bài để thứ 5 kiểm Hóa, thứ 6 kiểm Sử nữa.

Rồi còn ôm đống Anh, để thực hiện ước mơ đã đạt được nhưng lại dang dở nữa.

Và nghe You raise me up.

Và đã mua sẵn hai túi kẹo M&M [thật sự là 3 - con Khoai thấy ghét ( ] để tự mình uống thuốc nữa. Không có ai mua cho thì phải tự mua thôi. Bây giờ cũng khá rẻ nhỉ, không còn đắt như xưa. Cũng không còn mang hương vị của ngày xưa.

Câu trả lời như vậy là có đủ không…

Bây giờ nếu muốn trở lại như xưa là dối trá

Bây giờ nếu muốn Khang giải thích vì sao không thể trở lại như xưa thì cũng lại là dối trá

Hãy cho Khang một khoảng thời gian

Khang không biết là bao lâu

Nhưng biết đâu, một ngày nào đó, ta sẽ trở lại được như xưa…

Lúc đó Đăng đứng kế bên mình, thì thầm vào tai mình: “Hãy biết tin tưởng và hy vọng”. Ừ, thì là tin tưởng và hy vọng. Nhưng đó, liệu có phải là lời nói chân thật, hay là câu nói suông cho qua. Nó có gieo vào lòng mình một hy vọng nhỏ nhoi, để cho mình gặt lấy một tuyệt vọng to lớn hơn không???

Ngày hôm nay, như  Zun nói, trôi qua nhanh quá. Gần 10h đêm rồi. Phải hoàn thành bài vở rồi đi ngủ sớm thôi, cái chăn mới, thích nằm trong đó lắm :X

Mục tiêu gần là HSG, mục tiêu xa là Chuyên Anh. Sẽ đạt được hết nhé.

I’m just too kinikilig every time.

It’s 3 days til 2010! I badly need a fresh start. I know it’s kinda stupid why people need to have a new year just to be able to make a list of resolutions and realize that they should start to change. However, I do feel that a little ceremony won’t do any harm and may be just a little appropriate for formality’s sake.

I want to change for the better this new year. I wanna love be good and love (argh! why does the word love just burst into the picture?!) follow what’s good. I want to be a better person for myself and for the people around me. Stop bumming around, self! I want to believe in myself more and forget all else that is not beneficial in my life. I want to learn to love myself in spite of all my shortcomings and everything else that I lack. I must remember that if I strive hard enough, I’ll also become what I want to be. And now is the baking process. See, that’s how eggs, flour, and sugar turn into a delicious and scrumptious cake.

Here are my wishes for myself:
1. Be more decisive. You waste too much time and effort in making a fuss about things. Decide and be happy with your decision.
2. Don’t hate yourself. Everything you do is a result of who you are. And you are good. So it doesn’t matter what others say. If you’re confident about yourself, then you will be right after all.
3. Ignore things that you don’t like. That’s just like #2 in a way. Never force yourself to do something. ‘Cause if it doesn’t feel right for you, then it most probably isn’t.
4. Prioritize. Even though you like doing what you love, it’s also important to do the things that you need to do. Remember what you are right now.
5. Be active! Be a superwoman! Be a multitasker! That’s life and that’s how it should be lived. There is no dull moment. Every moment you don’t do a thing is a moment for happiness and fulfillment wasted.

So there. I hope I’ll be able to remember and put these into action. Haha! They’re so easy to say and write but not always easy to live by. But I shall try and give it my best shot!

Love you Lord! :*

I’m sick of fucking new years resolutions, and here’s why.

First off, in order to MAKE a new years resolution, you have to be aware of something about you that either bothers you, but especially bothers people who KNOW you that they’d like you to change. But why would anyone be friends with other people who want them to change? I don’t understand that at all. I mean, I can understand not liking certain things about certain people, ABSOLUTELY. For example, I have one thing I hate about everybody, and it’s a universal hatred, nearly everyone has it, it’s called BEING FUCKING STUPID. However, I wouldn’t tell someone “You know, you should try and read more this year or learn more, you’re REALLY FUCKING STUPID.” They never say it in such a straightforward manner to begin with anyway, but my acidic tongue would.

Now, to make things a little MORE confusing, let’s ask a question. If you make a new years resolution, how long does it LAST? Do you have to keep it up for the entire year until you make a new resolution at the start of the next year, or do you just do it indefinitely. Say somebody wants to quit smoking. Do they say, “Well, I’m going to quit for 6 months.” Well what happens after those 6 months? They go right back to smoking! Was it just to prove to yourself or to others that you COULD? New years resolutions-to ME-are only a way of proving to people around you how much better you can be than they can be. That’s ALL…IT…IS. BUT, I have a question about this new years resolutions shit that probably nobody has ever asked. That question is simple actually, and it goes like this: Why is it only happen on New Years? See, I don’t understand this. The reason people make it on New Years because everyone always assumes the new year is going to be better than the last, it never IS, but for some reason I still can’t grasp and probably never will, people stay optimistic. But why do it only on New Years? I mean, make every day of your LIFE better by making resolutions. It doesn’t have to be a YEARLY thing, there’s no RULE. Get up every day and say, “You know, I’m going to be NICER to people today” or “I’m going to make my WIFE breakfast today” or “I am going to take the day off and spend it with my kids”. Make every day a resolution, and become a better person everyday, little by little.

Oh geez, there I go being hopeful again, never understood that concept. But do it, and I’m sure by the end of your life, you’ll have lived TWICE or THREE TIMES as much as someone who only made their resolutions on New Years.

Or you’ll die and everyone will laugh at you because you were an idiot who spent his life doing nice things for people and nobody will remember your name or half the shit you did anyway. That’s the more REALISTIC ending.

m@rk

Yes, it is one of those days where I turn to my blog because I am super duper bored and I have nothing better to do than keep typing as if I was playing Typing Maniac on Facebook. It’s raining outside. My plan to go out with Sorfina has been cancelled since it was raining pretty damn heavily, so we were both held back by our parents from going out. Too bad, or else I could have gotten my wish to eat the wantan Oh. I just found out that it’s an alternative spelling for Wonton. So, yeah.

Before Sorfina called and told me when she was going to pick me up, I was crying on my bed with my mom caressing my back. Yes, my face was buried deep in the pillow with such anger that I myself could not possibly describe in words. I was angry and heartbroken. With everything. With the past, the present and most likely, what will happen in the future as well.

Actually, I don’t know whether I cried because of I was sad or was it because of fear or something else. But it was definitely anger. My mom told me to let it out but like I said, I was dumbfounded and I just couldn’t put my feelings into words. I was enraged, I think and once again, I thought that this is it. I am going to explode. Literally.

But of course, I didn’t. I mean, it’s not like there was a bomb tied to my body or whatever, so how could I possibly explode literally. Right?

Tell me, people. Do you love your mother? Is she something like your everything? Did she feed you when you were little? Does she still take care of you and somehow try to make everything right for you, maybe in her own special way?

Then, tell me, what would you do if a person broke her heart into tiny million pieces? What would you do to the person who took her happiness? Who crushed her every hope and dream. Who made her THIS CLOSE to giving up on life. Who makes her cry every time she goes to sleep. Who made her feel useless.

And again, tell me. What would you do to someone who ruined your family. Maybe not completely ruined. But who broke your family apart. Made every family member shed tears by tears. Who would want to take your family’s happiness and joy away.

TELL ME, people.

What should I do?

I lay down everyday thinking about how useless I am to the situation. How I could barely move and do something. But tell me, what can I do??

I had been holding back my tears and fears for weeks. Never once did I cry in front of my parents about this during this month. Nope, not even once. I tried to build a strong wall around myself but then, today they were broken. Cracked at first, little by little. Then, today, it was destroyed.

Funny how one simple little act could bring such effect to my supposedly invincible wall. Weird. Amazing, in fact. And it was done by just one simple act. I wonder what will happen in the future when all the acts are more significant and more noticeable. I wonder.

I wish I could just wake up and say that it was a nightmare but I know I can’t because it’s real. Not a nightmare. In fact, a nightmare might just be a sweet dream compared to what my family and I are going through at the moment. Yes. Saying that all this is a nightmare would be underestimating the situation.

The damage. It’s there. It’s never going to heal. Specially for the damage done to my mom. She’s never going to heal. She’ll get better but she’s never going to be truly happy again. Okay, maybe I am being a little bit too pessimistic here. But let’s say she does get better, it would only take years for her to do so. Years, at least.

And if things go wrong, I am not living at home anymore next year. No way in any hell. I will demand to live at the hostel or apartment or whatever and come home only on weekends. I can’t bear the thought of the situation. I can’t. I am not strong like my mom. I am weak. She’s a soldier and I am, I don’t know. A rabbit? A chicken? Maybe.

Sorry for the emotional post. I can’t do this on my own. And I need my blog with me.

ps; stay with me. catch me if I fall. help me get back up again.

xoxo, Fanah.

Eme biết là Eme hư lắm khi Eme viết ra những dòng này…
Eme biết là ai đọc những dòng này cũng sẽ mắng là Eme điên mất rồi…
Nhưng theo Đăng nói thì ước mơ của mình chẳng bao giờ hư hỏng và điên rồ hết, phải không?
Cho phép Eme nói nhé, Đăng………………

Về với Eme đi Đăng…

Vì Eme cần…

Cần một 24/7 teacher tận tụy có thể trả lời bất cứ câu hỏi không đầu không đuôi của Eme. Teacher này mê ngủ lắm nha, nhưng dù là 12h trưa hay 2h đêm cũng sẽ bật dậy mà giảng cho Eme hiểu. Teacher tận tụy làm hết mấy bài tập làm văn cô giao cho Eme với nét chữ cua bò xấu ỉn, nhưng văn chương thì cực kỳ……

Cần một người anh để an ủi Eme mỗi khi Eme bị ba mắng nè, cần một người anh để chỉ rõ cho Eme những điểm Eme sai, và một người anh với cái nhoẻn miệng cười thật tươi để khẳng định rằng ba yêu Eme nhiều lắm……

Cần một người bạn ku-te ơi là ku-te để Eme có thể đi xin chữ ký, rồi tuồng ra ngoài bán cho tụi con gái để được đãi đi ăn uống no kềnh ra nè. Cần một người bạn kao thật là kao và bự thật là bự, để mỗi khi trời mưa, dù không có dù, đi cạnh bên Đăng, Eme vẫn không bị ướt…….

Cần một bờ vai đủ rộng để Eme dựa vào mỗi khi muốn khóc. Cần một bờ vai đủ mềm để không làm Eme đau, nhưng cũng đủ cứng để Eme cấu xé cho thoải mái

Cần một đôi bàn tay đủ to để nắm chặt lấy tay Eme để Eme không lạc mất, và đủ ấm áp để sưởi cho Eme mỗi khi Eme bị lạnh. Cần một đôi bàn tay linh hoạt, uyển chuyển và say sưa trên những phím đàn đen – trắng, hay trên những dây guitar cứng ngắc, để chỉ rõ cho Eme hiểu thế nào là vẻ sang trọng của piano và vẻ mộc mạc của acoustic guitar…….

Cần một đôi tai lúc nào cũng lắng nghe Eme, dù chuyện Eme nói có dài lê thê và nhảm nhí như thế nào…. Cần đôi mắt luôn dõi theo Eme, và một đôi bàn tay có thể kéo Eme ra khỏi những chuyện dại dột ngu ngốc kịp lúc……

Cần một anh hùng rơm lúc nào cũng bảo vệ cho Eme ở trường mẫu giáo, và cần một anh hùng đai-đen-karatedo lúc nào cũng bảo vệ cho Eme đến bây giờ……..

Và quan trọng nhất, Eme cần một tấm lòng lúc nào cũng tin tưởng Eme, và một thiên sứ lúc nào cũng dành cho Eme nụ cười rạng rỡ nhất, dù cả thế giới này có quay lưng về phía Eme……

Eme ghét những chiếc lưng, Đăng ạ……
Và Eme yêu nụ cười của thiên sứ……
Thiên sứ Mặt Trời của Eme……

Bây giờ bức thư này [mà cũng phải là bức thư] đã trở thành một kỷ niệm rất, rất đẹp trong lòng Eme.

Cảm ơn Đăng đã trở về…

Đã nắm chặt lấy tay Eme…

Đã kéo Eme ra vực thẳm…

Đã cứu lấy mạng Eme…

Đã cho Eme niềm tin vào cuộc sống…

Đã dạy Eme cách đứng lên…

Đã luôn ở bên Eme lúc Eme tuyệt vọng…

Mặc dù Đăng ghét dấu ba chấm lắm, nhưng Eme vẫn phải dùng dấu ba chấm thôi.

Vì những điều Đăng làm cho Eme có bao giờ hết được đâu.

Chẳng bao giờ chấm dứt hết.

Cảm ơn Đăng…

Eme hứa nè, Eme sẽ không bao giờ làm những chuyện ngu ngốc như hôm qua nữa.

Eme sẽ nắm lấy tay Đăng mà đứng lên.

Luôn ở cạnh bên Eme, Đăng nhé!!!

Hãy luôn ở cạnh bên Eme, Đăng nhé!!!

So . . . I’m grateful and amazed at how God just keeps taking care of us!  Oswald Chambers talks about how God engineers our circumstances and when we tend to forget this little nugget of truth, HE tends to remind us by difficulty . . . but when we turn to HIM in those times, He turns the situation for good; even if we don’t recognize it for good at the time.

Financial aid had a kink in it just a few days ago . . . something that would have delayed us receiving the funds when winter term starts but it seems to be resolved.  Justin helped with a bbq class out at the Brooke’s training center where he volunteers his time . . . the lady that headed that up happened to be a financial aid employee at the college and when he called her she gladly reversed a message that had been sent erroneously.

I can see the hand of God in so many small and seemingly insignificant ways! Amazing God!

Lets see, yesterday we just sat around all day.  Samuel was sick with a fever, so we stayed home and watched too many cartoons.  I attempted to make Divnity candy . . . um, I failed.  I ended up freezing dollops of it with toasted almonds and dipping that in chocolate.  Justin liked them . They were a bit sweet for my liking.  I know, I didn’t know that could be . . . I like whip cream, by itself, marshmallows too.  Rich deep chocolate cake and cheesecake with just about anything on it/in it.  But too sweet.  It was like vanilla taffy, well close anyway.  :) Then I dipped it in milk chocolate.  Ugh.  Makes me kinda gag thinking about it.  Justin ate 4 of them. Hmmmm.

I did get two good batches of fudge done though . . . glazed pecan fudge and toasted almond fudge.  I was on a nut kick.  Monday is the big candy making day.  My friend Jalaine is coming over and we plan to make multiple chocolate coated candy concoctions.  Then we will package them and get them to family and friends . . . well, mostly family since there are a lot of them!

I think we are feeling better today . . . Sam is at least up off the couch playing.  Thats a good sign. Still hasn’t eaten breakfast, but I’m patient with the eating bit . . . I don’t exactly have skinny kids.

Ope, spoke too soon . . . eating breakfast now.

I plan to be a tiny bit more active today. Maybe get a workout in, get to church this evening if this trend of feeling better goes forward. Whatever God has in store . . . I’m excited in this new day, new mercies, even if it looks eerily like most other days; I know there is more than meets the eye . . . more going on under the surface of the waters of life.  I just choose to trust God and, in that, rest and remain excited and joyful . . . HE’s got my back, how much more awesome can it get!

Hope everyone is having a fantastic and low-stress weekend before Christmas!

Blessings!

So glad we’re feeling better!  :)

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I feel like I haven’t written much here despite the wonderful things that have been happening.

It started with me reinvolvement with Cinema/Chicago. I heard back from the Outreach/Education Coordinator and she asked me to volunteer at one of her outreach screenings. I jumped at the chance and we got to talking. She was so grateful that I’d helped her out, she kept saying how I was on her radar and she wasn’t going to forget me. She said that the office does need help archiving and that she’s going to put my resume in Michael Kutza’s (the festival’s founder) hands and make sure he gives me a call! She says that even if he drags his heels about it and it doesn’t work out, that she’ll need another intern in the spring and she’ll remember me for that.

Then just a day or so after that, I got an email from a job I’d applied to ages ago saying that they actually wanted to see me for an interview! It’s not my dream job or anything, but it’s a job for an Editorial Assistant position at a medical database website, UpToDate, Inc. It’s in Waltham, Massachusetts, just outside Boston.

They agreed to do a phone interview with me as a first step and that was on Thursday morning. It went okay. It was hard to tell whether they felt much in one way or the other. I knew I had some really good answers and some… eh… that could have been better to say the least. It lasted about an hour and I talked to four different people (in groups of two). They said that if they decide to ask me back for a second interview I would need to fly out there.

Part of me kind of hopes I get to that point just so I could see what a face-to-face, follow-up interview feels like. Part of me is fairly confident that I won’t get this job, or perhaps even that second interview. But I don’t think I care too much. I feel good just finally getting this far. Getting an interview. It’s like I finally have to admit that I’m not a failure and that there ARE people out there that think I’m good enough to at least talk to. It’s taken me so much longer than I expected to get to that point, but at least I’m there.

I need to start applying again, getting my resume out there. I think I need to focus on some Chicago-based jobs for a while because I know that, at least for the time being, that’s where it’s going to be the most practical for me to get a job.

I feel good.

Christmas is coming, my room is clean and decorated, I have a pile of wrapped presents waiting to get under the tree and Alex and I are doing so, so great right now.

Good times, good times…

December has not been the easiest month to get through without my Mom. I admit that when my sister was here I began to see glimpses of a newly constructed future without my Mom at its foundation. There is much happiness to be had. I also realized that by seeing the joy in my life doesn’t mean that I have forgotten my Mom, but that she is living happily through me. However, as I have gotten deeper into the heart of this Christmas month, I am missing her more than ever.

Even though I am sad it helps to have Frick and Frack around. They are so enthusiastic about Christmas and all its wonder that I can’t help but smile. Even a sad smile counts I suppose.

Earlier this year, near the end of Summer (September of 2009) I went out to Lake Pleasant with my kayak and my photo gear. I paddled out to the middle of the lake and sat in the muffling sounds of a 15 knot wind, water slapping against the side of my kayak and I heard the SCREECH of a familiar friend, a Desert Nesting Bald Eagle.

I had 30 lbs of camera equipment, sitting between my knees. I paddled hard,  trying my best to track straight as waves easily washed over the bow of my kayak. I looked up to see the eagle flying by with a wide mouthed bass in its talons. It was easily the biggest Bass I’ve seen snagged by any fisherman in my 3 years here in Arizona.  As it flew by me, headed for a large rock formation, I  paddle aggressively towards the same shore as a 28′ bayliner zoomed past me and exploding the already rough water around me. It seems that even here in the middle of a water world I can’t escape the combustion engine.

From my kayak, I snapped nearly 150 photos and was fortunate to witness some 35 Black Headed vultures and Turkey Vultures all descending in formation and surrounding this feeding king of the sky and warrior hunter of  water.

When I finally made it to the 10 foot rock face, I tied my kayak off and slung my lens and camera across my back and in my flip flops, scaled to the top of the rock. I had arrived just  in time to capture this Eagle surrounded by the scavenging Vultures.

A wild Bald Eagles Screech brings chills to any observers soul. It speaks a language we all comprehend,  though we can’t exactly translate it.    Then I shot this photo.

I feel this is my purpose for living here in the desert. There are between than 125-175 Desert Nesting Bald Eagles throughout the entire United States. 98% of whom all reside in Arizona. Unlike other Bald Eagles, these birds DO NOT migrate. They’re measurably smaller and have differing patterns of behavior to their cousins spread throughout the rest of North America.  They’ve been listed as an Endangered Species and are in a fight for their survival. No other species of Bald Eagle nests in such high heat and low humidity. It also suffers the highest mortality rate of any nesting species. There are thought to be only a few dozen breeding pairs left on Earth. All of which live in Arizona.*

If anyone would like to make a donation to my efforts, please feel free to contact me at kayaksurfer25@yahoo.com. I hope to release a book this year with some of the incredible images and stories from other observers. I hope to raise support for their protection and preservation through my photography.

for more information on the Desert Nesting Bald Eagle please check out the following link

* http://www.biologicaldiversity.org/species/birds/desert_nesting_bald_eagle/index.html

Watching the SNL Xmas special, and laughing quite a lot. It was a good retrospective of great bits from years gone by, and there were a lot of really funny things I’d forgotten about. Made for a nice time.

Rough therapy session today. Sometimes you don’t know what you’re going to do when a given situation arises in-session until it does. It’s tough to know what to do when someone falls apart in front of you, but I managed. Even though (of course) I would never mention specifics about a client or a session, today was definitely a learning experience for me. Those are nice, usually. In retrospect.

Half a day of work tomorrow, followed by work Xmas party, then I’m off for nine days straight. I’m really looking forward to catching up on some home stuff, hanging with K without a lot of stress, and maybe even a drama-less Xmas day. If that wouldn’t be too much to ask for. Not that K would be causing the drama, but someone else would. If someone dramatic isn’t around, so much the better.

I’m taking the social work exam a month from January first, so I’m really going into the home stretch here. It’s tempting to put off the test, but would that really benefit me any? I doubt it. It would be much more likely to make me laze off a bit more, and I don’t need to do that. I need to take this test in February and move toward my future, scary though it is.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Yanni himself complimented a video that I composed from scratch, with my brother performing! He said this to me on Twitter:

“Wow – you both sound great! Thank you for sharing that video.”

Here’s a screenshot to prove it!

Coming from the man himself, this is a HUGE confidence booster. I truly hope to collaborate with Yanni as soon as he is able to, as this proves to me, AND my brother, that we are capable of making great music!

Man, still can’t believe it! Yanni is like our musical teacher, our influence. To have him say that, means a lot!

Thanks Yanni!

P.S. This is the video that I was talking about. You can also find it in the Media section of the site.

“I’m single and lonely, so give me company”

This is what my friend said to me today. However, that wasn’t what my friend was saying and feeling, it was what she was repeating. What she’d seen. My ex-boyfriend is throwing himself to anyone who will listen.

I don’t know how to feel really. I’ve got a choice I guess:

- Amused. How hillarious. You’ve lost me, thought you’d get with another girl, and she rejected you too. Now you realise you’ve got no one to love you like I did. Well shit, son.

- Hurt. You’re going after other girls like it’s nothing. Do you have no clue how I feel? At all? Do you even care remotely that you’re killing my soul, that you’ve helped thrown away any trust I had for anyone?

- Despair. I want to cry my heart out for you. As if crying would suddenly solve everything. Of course it won’t. You’ve gone and left me. Where on Earth did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve that? I loved you with all my heart, spent all my time and money on you, set my life around you. Why have I been given this in return?

- Confused. Why the HELL do you feel lonely? What the shit is going on? Did it not maybe occur to you that being single is a lonely process? You can’t just jump from one person to another like it’s a game. Life doesn’t work that way!

- Angry. How DARE you say YOU feel “lonely”. You’ve got all our friends on your doorstop. You have the life I adored. You haven’t had to say goodbye to anyone except me. You’ve got everything you need. Why the shit should you feel lonely. I’m the one sat here feeling like my life just crashed to a hault and threw me out.

- Abandoned.  You left me. God knows why, but I know deep in your heart you know why you don’t love me. Maybe you’ve not realised yourself, but your heart does know. Here I am, after all the love I gave, prepared to give my life to you, to be your wife, to bare your children. And I was abandoned.

- Outraged. You told another girl you liked her, whilst I was still with you. No, no, I do not care that you “have feelings for her”. That’s not the fucking point. I was your girlfriend. It’s not RIGHT to go fucking around with other girls when I’m still holding on to the hope that you’ll be mine forever. Like I said, don’t you dare do that to a girl again. You had it happen to you for Christ’s sake, you should know better. You aren’t the same any more. Who on Earth have you turned into? Your behaviour horrifies me. Where is the Kieran I was so in love with?

- Ashamed. I feel ashamed for being angry at you. Because through it all, somewhere (although God knows where he is now) there’s a fragment of the man I used to love, buried deep within that mind, body and soul. I don’t want to hurt you, yet I feel so frustrated and my head and heart are in utter madness. I could never bare to loose you. Yet there you are, loosing me.

- Hopeful. During the day, I realised. That single sentence you typed out to the members of WOTA was so desperate. I didn’t love a desperate man. And if that’s what you’ve turned into, then you’ve just made me love you a fraction less. So thank you, for pushing me that step further.

Today is Kieran’s birthday, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that he’s enjoyed it. I wish I had been there for him. Right now we should be settling into the night, perhaps winding down, or perhaps heading home. Curled up together on the bus. He would go on Modern Warfare 2 when we got back to the house, I would go on my laptop and look at Lolita clothing. Then we’d head to bed, I’d make love to him, and tell him how dear he is to me. How I hoped that we’d all made him have a wonderful 22nd birthday. Then we’d fall asleep together, wrapped up and peaceful.

Instead, here I am, making a wordpress entry on how depressed I am, what I’m feeling, and trying to clear my head. I have no clue where he is, who he may be talking to, or what he’s doing. And I’m not going to ring or text to find out. Because he’s living his own life now. What he wrote has dissapointed me, but at the same time makes me happy that he’s moving on. I want to move on, and not go on the rebound. I hope he’s not attempting to do the rebound part, it’s just silly. That’s not the Kieran I know.

Kieran, if you read this: Don’t regret what you said. Never do. I’m sorry if this post hurt you. Just realise I might not take what you say very well all the time, but you are helping me move on. So for making me feel outraged, upset, distraught and all the others I listed; thank you.

Now fuck my life. I’m not going to cry, because I don’t want to. I’m off to go chat to the men and women that make me feel awesome.

When dealing with chronic illness like arthritis, especially when you are in pain, it can be hard to maintain a positive attitude. Sometimes, with certain diagnoses, it may seem impossible to find hope or remain optimistic. However, as we’ve mentioned in past blogs, “Food For Thought: The Power of Positive Thinking”, and “ “Turning Negatives Into Positives”, thinking positively, even in a negative situation, can not only make you feel better emotionally, but can also benefit your physical health!

In fact, there have been studies that show that positive people are more healthy than negative people, and there have also been studies that supposedly prove that the “mind over matter” theory truly exists. Can our thoughts heal?

No doctor will write you a prescription for a dose of laughter or a bottle of smiles, but, most will recommend practicing an overall lifestyle of wellness — and this includes thinking positively, and doing things that make you happy — especially since depression is often a comorbidity with diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and/or fibromyalgia. In some cases, the cause is physiological – some autoimmune diseases cause an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain; in other cases, the cause is emotional – patients may feel down and depressed about their diseases. (This is why we think that having support from loved ones — whether in person or via an online community, is so important!)

It may sound like baloney to some of you. I know when I am having a “bad” day, that it is easy to scoff at people who tell me to “stay positive” and “keep smiling” — I tell you, it’s easier said than done! That being said, I do know that there is, however, validity in their points. After all, no one wants to be around a Debbie Downer all the time, and being happy does make you feel so much better…if not physically, than at least emotionally and spiritually! Today I woke up feeling badly - it seemed that all of my physical ails were bothering me at once. I had a can’t-face-the-world, “how can I keep living like this”, BUMMER kind of morning. However, as I sipped my tea, dog snoring at my feet, birds chirping in the other room, doing work I love, in a beautiful home in all of it’s holiday bliss, knowing that I have a wonderful support system of friends, family, and loved ones – I felt supremely blessed, health issues aside. In fact, reveling in all that was GOOD, thinking about the many wonderful things and people in my life, doing a job that I love that at times helps others, made my health issues a NON-issue. Sometimes, all it takes is to look at things from a different perspective! Instead of moping around, dwelling on your sickness and wondering “why me”, take a step back and wonder, why NOT you? Bad things happen to all of us. You can handle it!

The good news is, there are many medical treatment options out there that you can try, whether traditional or naturopathic. There is a whole world of nutritious food, and helpful websites, and positive people to help you keep pushing on! They say that you can heal yourself with your thoughts, so why not give it a try?

You may be wondering who “they” are. Here are just a few examples that I’d like to share  – before I begin, I’m not saying that a positive attitude will “cure” you. Being optimistic, in almost all cases, is not going to allow you to give up your meds or never set foot in a doctor’s office again, but, it will make you happier in general, which could potentially lead to better health, and will definitely lead to a better overall outlook. Besides, they say that positivity and happy thoughts are good for the human collective conscience as a whole. And isn’t THAT a worthy goal?

Here’s who “they” are…

* Louise Hay - Louise Hay, author of “You Can Heal Your Life” and “You Can Heal Your Body”, among many other books, is one of the pioneers of the mind-body link, and claims that she healed her cancer through the power of positive thought and “thinking it away.” Through “affirmations”, she convinced herself that she was not sick…and she, somehow, was cured! In fact, she believes that there are MENTAL causes for PHYSICAL ailments. Regardless of what you believe, her story is an inspirational one!

* Deepak Chopra - Deepak Chopra encourages overall well-being through physical and emotional wellness, spiritual health, and guided meditation. He is a world-renowned leader in the field of mind-body healing, and has held world leaders and international celebrities among his clientele. He has authored more than 55 books and believes that we hold the key to our own well-being. He is certified as a traditional MD but is more engaged in “alternative” medical practices. He encourages a clean lifestyle in all ways and is known for his theories on shared human consciousness and positive thinking starting with one’s self.

* Marilyn Mandala Schlitz - Marilyn Sclitz, PhD, is at the forefront of Noetic Science, a new field that has been brought to light in the book, the Da Vinci Code. Marilyn, who heads up IONS, has “pioneered clinical and field-based research in the area of human transformation and healing.” She has authored books on “mind-body medicine” and has helped to perform scientific experiments on healing and is bridging the gap between medicine and spirituality. Schlitz is “a leader in the area of consciousness research. She has conducted basic science research on the powers of the mind, including remote viewing, mind over matter, and distant intention and healing.  She has engaged in clinical studies of  consciousness healing and is currently completing a National Institutes of Health (NIH, part of the Department of Health) sponsored study looking at the power of compassionate intention on wound healing in woman undergoing reconstructive surgery.”

Whether you “believe” any of this or not, it is compelling information to take a look at! It doesn’t matter what religion, faith, or creed you practice, if any….it is about using your mind and soul to aid in healing your body. We are not encouraging or pushing any viewpoint, but just putting it out there…

I look at it this way — it couldn’t hurt! With the holidays approaching, there is no better time to think positive and to get in the “jolly” spirit! Why not start today with leading your health into a positive direction? I’m going to!

Let me know your thoughts – how does being positive/optimistic help you? Have you ever “healed” an ailment through thoughts or know anyone for whom these types of things have worked? I know people who have been healed in a near-fatal situation by an Indian stone, people who have willed cancer to leave their system, and (this is just in my case, not preaching to anyone!) have seen prayer work wonders. I know from personal experience that trying to be happy in light of it all is the best weapon against disease! After all, being negative and dwelling on it isn’t going to help matters much – so making a conscious effort to stay optimistic, hopeful, and positive cannot  hurt! It can only help. Why not give it a try? You can think yourself healthy!

Thanks for reading, and be well! And please, stay tuned for my next entry in Ashley’s Journey to Wellness.

PS: ‘Tis the Season!

Feeling generous and want to give a gift to help spread arthritis awareness and eventually find a cure? This holiday season, why not donate to the Arthritis Foundation of Western PA? There are many ways that you can help!  Check out our many ways to give this holiday season…

Stop down at our Jingle Bell Run/Walk 5K tomorrow, December 12th, and sign up to walk/run, or, enjoy the Holly Hour and donate tips to the AFWPA! Info can be found here: http://jbrprgh.kintera.org

You can donate while you tweet! So easy! Not to mention, you can give in low increments! Visit www.twonate.com and use AFWPA as the charity code! Here is our profile.

Another way to give…WITHOUT spending a dime? Be sure to use www.GoodSearch.com as your search engine and set “Arthritis Foundation of Western Pennsylvania” as the charity that you “GoodSearch” for. Also, this holiday season, you can do the same as you finish up shopping online – use www.GoodShop.com - every search and every purchase benefits our chapter at no extra cost to you!

We have a Cause on Facebook, too. You can “Join” our Cause or “Donate” here to Help Spread Arthritis Awareness – click here!

Our friends at WHIRL Magazine also featured us in their Charity WHIRL 31 Days of Giving special: check it out HERE.

Last but not least, you can always visit our chapter homepage at http://westernpennsylvania.arthritis.org for information on how to donate online or how to take part in a United Way payroll giving campaign to benefit the Arthritis Foundation of Western PA. Feel free to call us or mail us a pledge if it suits your fancy, too!

We know times are tough, but we appreciate any help that you — or Santa — can give us this holiday season! To learn about some of arthritis research initiatives we’ve contributed to, click HERE — let’s move together to find a cure for arthritis! Together, we can make a difference!

Thanks,

-Ashley Boynes

Community Development Director

Western Pennsylvania Chapter

voted, “Best Blogger in Pittsburgh!”

I’m in the final stretch of craziness, ready to be spit out and returned to normalcy.  I can feel it!   Get my home back, because right now it looks like a bomb went off in every room.  Get my life back and my old routine back.  For a month anyway, at least.  I’ve been so bad with keeping up with fellow bloggers and comments and just general surfing around to see what’s going on in my world.  My Facebook live feed has been consistently well over 100 missed items from the last time I logged on.  I can’t keep up.

I’ve been simply M.I.A.

But I’m learning how to make it work.  I sometimes get so focused on one thing and would feel the weight of all the other things in my life that have been getting neglected.  I’m learning to juggle better, knowing you can’t always keep ALL the balls in the air, and that’s completely ok.

I’ve been making trade-offs.  Trading in a workout for time to study.  Pushing a time to study so I could make time for friends or family.  It’s the only way to make it work.  But I’m not gonna lie.  I’m glad that my break from school is less than a day away.

The past two weeks have been just hell with everything.  Work, school, being WAY behind in my holiday duties.  I’ve declared this weekend “all things Christmas”.  I got all my projects done for my final class Saturday morning and I wrapped up my final project last night.  I have one more chapter to read, which I’ve decided to do during my lunch hour.  And then that’s it.

I go to class tomorrow morning to turn in projects, take one make-up quiz, and then it’s sianara!  I don’t think I’ll be there more than an hour.  And then it’s crazy time!  But “fun” crazy time.  My mom and sister are coming over to bake cookies.  My sister is bringing the twins to “help” us make cookies.  Let’s just say it will be a “cute mess” when they help.  But that’s ok.  I’ve been looking forward to this day for a while.  I can finally put school aside and do some fun stuff and enjoy life.

Then I have to get crackin’ on my gift shopping and sending out my cards.  In an effort to save some money, I decided to see just how many leftover cards I had from many previous years of sending them.  Would you know I found 40 cards?!   I went and bought one more box for like 5 bucks and I’m set! 

I’m sure there are so many other things I’m forgetting to get back to.  I know knitting and other projects is one of them.  I’m going to be making some scarves for my niece and nephew.  Little toddler scarves that will probably take one evening to do BOTH of them.  Can’t wait to share.   Can’t wait to relax. 

I’m sure there are other things, but I am just glad to almost be back!

Hope everyone else is successful in juggling their own craziness this time of year. 

Remember to breathe!

Away We Go (2009)
★★★★ / ★★★★

This movie came as a surprise to me because I remember wanting to watch it in theaters (I wanted to see John Krasinski because I love him on “The Office”) but decided against doing so because I thought it was just going to be another one of those quirky small indie comedies that’s all style and no substance. How quickly I was proven wrong because the story was actually quite poignant. Krasinski and Maya Rudolph decided to travel across the country to find the perfect place to live for their child who was about to be born in three months. Along their travels, we got to see their friends and family members, all very different and all very, very colorful (to say the least). I loved Allison Janney as the mother who had no filter especially when she negative things to say about her children and husband (Jim Gaffigan). Even though she did make me laugh out loud (literally–every time she talked, she was so blunt and umcompromising), there was something about that particular family that was very sad in its core. The disdain and possibly even hatred was reflected in the facial expressions of the children and the husband. I also enjoyed the new age parents played by Maggie Gyllenhaal and Josh Hamilton. At first I thought they were just quirky but by the end of the visit, I thought they were borderline crazy. Gyllenhaal was absolutely perfect in her role despite her limited screen time. Lastly, I loved the visit with Chris Messina and Melanie Lynskey because it showed that families that were really happy on the outside may not necessarily be happy on the inside. That third visit was very realistic and really painful as we got to the truths regarding the characters and the solace that they choose to embrace despite certain hurdles they couldn’t quite jump over. The emotional content of this movie really took me by surprise because it had a certain insight which made me realize that I have a lot more maturing to look forward to. There was that brilliant scene when Krasinski and Lynskey were considering if they were “fuck-ups” prior to their cross-country trip and by the end they realized that they actually had it pretty good. I thought that was a very good message because we often wallow on our own insecurities, when, in reality, others have it so much worse. “Away We Go,” directed by Sam Mendes, is more than worth a hundred minutes because not only did it make me smile and laugh, it made me think and feel hopeful for the future.

What is this thing called? I become hopeful again when even the most trivial difficulties are not misnamed “existential crises.”

Better yet, one of them was a second interview. Those are always pretty hopeful. I don’t want to jinx myself, so I won’t go into details at this time. Wish me luck.

After a 2.1 kilogram piece of gold was found at the Cha Ha River in the northern-central province of Nghe An, hundreds of local residents have swarmed the area.

Residents of Nghe An Province sift for gold on the banks of the Cha Ha River (Photo: SGGP)

Authorities in Tuong Duong District said that two months ago, a group of nine people from the Hao mountain village in Yen Hoa Commune came looking for gold at Bu Rivulet, a branch of the Cha Ha River.

The group struck fortune when they found the large chunk and sold it for VND1 billion (US$54,000) to a gold shop in Hoa Binh town.

News of the group’s find spread quickly and local residents rushed to the river hoping to discover similar wealth.

Regardless of the weather, masses of people including children and the elderly, head to the river each day.

Around 20 gold-sifting operations have now been set up by the locals along a 20-kilometer section of the river, located about 40 km from the town.

Ms. Luong Thi Tinh, a woman from the Hao village who pans for gold, said her family was poor and they hoped finding the precious metal would bring them a better life.

She said Mr. Oi, one of the nine people who found the 2.1 kg piece of gold, had just built a new house with the money he had come into.

Gold seeker Vi Van Nhoong said that he bought tools to pan for gold over a year ago, and five out of his 10 family members search for the metal daily. If they were lucky, he said, they could find up to one gram of gold a day.

In their zeal for fortune, the residents have dug up the riverbanks, leading to serious landslides in some areas.

Ho Hoai Thom, chairman of the district’s Yen Na Commune People’s Committee, said that his commune has around 10 gold sifting machines, 10 families who pan for gold full-time, and around 100 other seekers of whom some are hired by families who own the machines.

Because local residents are so poverty-stricken, authorities say they allowed them to continue the practice. And despite causing the hazardous landslides, the residents were only issued warnings.

But at the beginning of October, the district ordered the locals to stop and began issuing fines.

Kha Van Ot, head of the Tuong Duong District Department of Natural Resources and Environment, said that most gold seekers are working without licenses at the river, and despite the order, they continue to pan for gold.

The department and district authorities are now discussing measures to deal with the issue.

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