On the subject of: Love.

I have been pondering this thing for a long time. And I remember writing a column about the same thing a while ago, a speculative  and unsure article about how I either misunderstand or and confused by true romantic love. Well, today I’m going to set the record straight. In lieu of the coming Valentine’s day, and the reason just to do it for the heck of it.

True love. It is not an emotion. Some people think that it is unrealistic, preposterous. On the contrary. It is very real and tangible. It is the culmination of feelings and hardships. It is complete, unerring and perfect. Because it is God’s.

It is silly for me to think now about when I thought I didn’t know what love is. It is so obvious, so easily definable. It is not really truly known however, until you have experienced it.

Very key point here, I will not go on about it, but put very simply, love is not sex. Period.

The best definition for love that I have ever seen;

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8

Look at that verse and tell me that it isn’t at least a blueprint on which we should all base our true love relationships on. It should be the thing we look to, and weigh ourselves against. But honestly, most of it should just come naturally. The level of discretion involved in a true love relationship should be something that wants to do these things. Here are a couple of my own definitions of the points made in the scripture. Feel free to call me on them. . . only human remember?

Love is patient. = Love is in no hurry! True love does not push or prod. True love waits. True love is not quick to anger.

Love is kind. = Kind of an obvious one, but true love does not overly judge, reprimand, find pain just to see someone squirm.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. = True Love does not bring you down unnecessarily. It does not jump to conclusions. True love forgives, and forgives, and doesn’t care what happened to cause that forgiveness. It moves on, and forgives again.

This verse describes the characteristics of true love. These qualities can certainly be found in the person of Jesus Christ, and they can also be found in all truly loving relationships.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

But the LORD said to Samuel, “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

The problem with trying to “find” love in our lives, is that too often we don’t look for these characteristics. Rather we look at physical appearance, popularity, or wealth. These are not the qualities that God looks at and neither should we.

Love isn’t something you can find either. Sure, you can love your neighbor, but true love grows. A result of bonding, hardships, struggle, good times and bad. A real relationship can only function if there is struggle. Without struggle, the true personality of the people involved is not showing through. Key; struggle for and with the person you love, not against.

Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action—true love.

We can only identify true love and know when we have found it, based on the Word of God. When we match our relationships up to what the Bible says that love is—and we are honestly prepared to make a life-long commitment to that person—then we can say that we are truly “in love.” The three keys to that statement are:

We have to…

1. look at the Word of God
2. be completely honest with ourselves
3. understand the level of commitment that comes with true love.

The biggest mistake that most people make when trying to define love is it’s closeness to the oft saddening and troubling sibling; Infatuation.

There are some very key differences between infatuation and true love. As such, the best thing to do here is avoid them!

Infatuation

• Sees the other person as perfect
• Wants to get own needs met; selfish
• Spends all time with the other person
• Quickly “falls” for the other person
• Other relationships and friendships deteriorate
• Jealousy frequently
• Lasts for a short period of time
• Distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship
• Quarrels are serious and common
• Quarrels can seriously damage the relationship

Love

• Sees the other person’s flaws and still loves them
• Wants to serve the other person; selfless
• Takes time to build the relationship
• Other relationships and friendships grow stronger
• Trust and understanding results in less severe and less frequent jealousy
• Encompasses a long-term commitment
• Survives and sometimes is strengthened because of distance
• Quarrels are less serious and less often
• Quarrels can strengthen the relationship (key)

Love cannot be summed up, or put in a sentence. As ridiculous as it may be, I will attempt to encapsulate it in a few paragraphs. My definition.

True love. It starts out as a feeling or emotion. It grows and spreads, filling the brain first. It sets in, sticking in places, changing in others. It moves from the brain to the heart, from the heart to the soul. True love does not only set in, it continuously erupts, sometimes spilling over in times of happiness, or falling back when things are hard. But it is always there, continuously flowing, changing, growing.

When you look deeply into another’s eyes and see something you never saw before, an undying happiness, a willing soul, a piece of God. You know that person in and out, familiarity just touches on the lengths and bounds of the relationship. When one yells, and the other doesn’t yell back. When kindness prevails over emotions and anger. Even when the opposite happens. When the pieces always come back together afterwards.

When just being with that person is enough. If they were dying, it would be the most amazing gift just to sit at their bedside and hold their hand. When sitting on a park bench and watching the world spin is fun. When smiling always takes place over a frown. All the time in the world isn’t enough for you with this person. You are never satisfied with the amount of time you have spent with them, because every encounter leaves you reeling, and you can’t imagine not spending every day with that person, for the rest of your life.

As much as you know their face, you catch yourself staring again and again. Staring isn’t enough, you pore, amazed and elated about every feature, you can not take your eyes away. You smile, grin, beam, at them. You smile for no reason at all, sometimes by yourself, when you think about that person.

You realize you have never cared this much about any one person. Obviously it isn’t within your capacity to love this person, you don’t understand all the love you have. Because it isn’t yours. Only through God can we appreciate True Love.

When your day is filled with instances and thoughts about that person. And when, in your night, you dream about them. It shouldn’t be an obsession like the way we love God, but a good hair lower than that. Being in love.

When you look past the hair and the clothing, the beauty, and looking within, past and through, you see the heart and soul, the most attractive parts of the human being. And when you see those, you only fall more, and love more.

There are a few things love isn’t. Love isn’t a feeling. Although real love is often accompanied by strong feelings, love does not equate with the sense of floating on clouds. Unlike the type of love that movies, television, and songs portray, people in love don’t always feel ooey gooey around each other. At least, not 100% of the time.

God, as our designer and creator, made us with needs for love. Do you ever wonder why we constantly seek love from others but never feel completely satisfied? It’s because God designed us for an unconditional love, and we, as people, are flawed.

People, whether friends, family, or your significant other, will invariably let you down at some point. God wants us to find our need for love and acceptance in him first. One person cannot meet all our needs, even if he’s funny or she’s thoughtful.

Ok. So this is growing from a simple overview into a complete essay. I wanted to write this for myself as much as others, so don’t thank me. I hope you get something out of it.

Let me just go over the biggest points I want to make.

True love. Is not a feeling.

Is not alike or relating to infatuation.

Is completely possible and probable.

Is imperfect.

Can only be accomplished with God as the first priority.

Is immense and vast, with room for error and problems.

Cannot be defined by sex or otherwise, this is something inherent to a marriage relationship.

Is not breakable. But can be diminished.

Is amazing.

I would like to thank God for true love, and the person he gave me to have it with.

Resto nella pace, il mio amore. Non si preoccupi, dato che il dio è con noi. ♥

Every person we travel these roads with have made their trek to us because they need us and what we know as much as we need them for what they can teach us.  This idea has been stressed in earlier essays but it’s one worth further emphasis because of the importance of the journey we share.  Knowing that every person is specific to our education means we don’t have to be fearful about the experiences that present themselves.  We have been guided to each experience and we will be led through it too.  I have heard it said in many gatherings, that God never brings us to an experience without also promising us we’d be carried through it.

Having hope that this is the truth is a decision I was encouraged to make many years ago.  A wise sponsor suggested that I had nothing to lose by believing my life was unfolding in a very timely fashion.  I would always be at the right place at the right time, facing the next right opportunity, she said.  How right she was.  Even when the path got rocky, and there were many times it did, I hung on to her belief that what had transpired was what I was ready for.

The one time, in particular, that is still so vivid in my mind was when a professor told me my Ph.D. dissertation needed complete rewriting.  I was stunned, to say the least, and initially terrified.  The words that tumbled from my mouth were not really my own.  I said, “Can we go through it so that I understand your objections?” fearful I’d not be able to respond at all.  However, for nearly four hours, we did just that.  I honestly heard nothing, not his questions nor my answers.  But at the end of that time, he smiled and approved my dissertation.  God had answered my call even though I wasn’t aware I had made it.  I immediately called my husband, fearing I’d just been dreaming.

I remember reading the book, ILLUSIONS, by Richard Bach, very early in my recovery.  At the time, I was scared and very confused by the changes that were happening in my life.  I was also deeply doubtful that my life had any real purpose.  But I was willing to be comforted by any reasonable suggestion and I found it on the back cover of that wonderful little book.  It said, and I paraphrase: If you are reading this now, that means you are still alive and your purpose has yet to be fulfilled.  That tiny statement actually gave me the lift I was so desperate for at the time.  It still is a great reminder.  I am still alive, and so are you, therefore, we still have work to complete.

It’s rather exciting knowing that we still have important work to do.  And that work will continue until that moment when our journey detours and takes us to the last, peaceful stage.  But until then, our most important purpose may well be to help those around us develop the hope they may lack at the time of our meeting.  It is even now believed, by some researchers, that hope can be taught, that people can be shown how to build on the strengths they already have, rather than focus on what they lack.  We can, in our role as way shower, guide others to discover the hope we have already achieved.  This may well be why those others have appeared.  What a worthy purpose this is. Knowing that we can “teach” hopefulness by demonstrating for others how we selected a strength and then emphasized it, gives each experience the value it deserves.

Oh Chamber Memoriam

Haunted and freed—memories

Pictures suspended in air

A vibrant and viscid

Shadowy film

Slithers down the walls

Framing images in my mind

Oh Chamber Memoriam

I lock the gateway behind

To restrain myself in these

Hazy impressions

To inhibit myself

From recoiling

Once more

I open the drawers

And hurl the past on all sides

Scattering pages, images and…

Shattered pieces of my heart

Oh Chamber Memoriam

Tears I shed, for the blood

That desiccated upon the skin of my heart

I weep, I scream, as I

Suffocate myself

In the memories

I fall to pieces again and again

Dying more with each moment passing

Oh Chamber Memoriam

I genuflect, breathing hard

Eyes closed and head bowed

Preparing.

My eyes burst open

My head and body rise

Resolute.

I uncover the drawer

That drawer

Left for disposal

Fastened with all my strength

And as it opens

The shadows retreat

The levitating memories fall to pieces

The shattered fractions of my heart

Warm and liquefy

My eyes struggle to see through the hope

The love and kindness

Gentleness and joy

My gaze wavers not

As I see what I’d forgotten

What I gave everything for

Yet had, hidden, all along

I emerge once more

This time different than the times before

My heart is fashioned

And my scars are washed away

I emerge once more,

Myself.

From this,

Oh Chamber Memoriam.

I’m always struggling with an intro. I really have a sort of writers block when it comes to writing something intelligent, interesting, and gripping, when it comes to the first paragraphs. One thing I’m always in the mood to write is something of an epic. I always sit down and lay my fingers on the keyboard with “I want to write an Epic!” Something interesting, gripping, intelligent. I want to touch you, dear reader, in a way that cannot be expressed in any other way besides paper. Emotions, any emotion, it can be expressed here. A world where anything is possible. Pirates, El Dorado, flight. They all exist here, in writing. And there is so much to read! Reading is one of my favorite past times. I have read most every book we possess. (Which is quite a fair amount.) Honestly, we should have some better shelving to contain such genius and intelligence. Sadly, most of the books we cannot shelve reside in the attic. Thousands of titles, And always available to take me places I have never been. I have learned much through books. I have my writing style to thank many authors. Eoin Colfer, Mark Twain, Andrew Clements, Lois Lowry, C.S. Lewis, Theodor Geisel, Gary Paulsen, Christopher Paolini – Got “Brisingr” signed by him last winter!, and many more. Childhood books turned to high-school age books at the age of nine, at the age of thirteen I was reading books several hundred pages long, repeatedly, and quite often. I read epics, somber ballads, short novels. And I’m better for it. Reading has given me vocabulary, intelligence, thoughtfulness, wisdom and grace. Most of all, it gave me a will to write, and a love to write. I have a novel in the works. And sometimes I allow myself the luxury of wondering what it would be like if I was allowed to continue, just writing, for my entire adult life.

For my entire adult life. How many times have I thought of that. It seems somewhat glorious. New adventures. Adventures quite possibly shared with someone else. Exploring myself throughout the decades. Seeing the world. Traveling to far-off lands, inviting danger and the unknown, watching the sun never set on the Alaskan sky. Driving with no set destination in mind. Enjoying life in it’s fullness, and taking advantage of that old promise: the pursuit of happiness.

Messing around until I’m old enough to merit just sitting at home and watching tv. And then I’ll do something reckless and mortally injure myself at the ripe old age of 87.

Provided that what I want to happen, happens. I digress.

There is some sort of universal consciousness. A will, a drive rather, to find love. You find it in the unlikeliest places. I was driving last night, pulling into a parking lot, where I witnessed a man get cut off. I could see into his car, his expression turning from fright, (the other car just barely missed him), to anger. His head turned towards me, a slight nod, almost as if he fully expected me to do the same. Instead, taking the high road, I waved him on graciously. His expression turned quickly to thankfulness, it was as if what I had done had somewhat erased what had just been done by the other driver. It’s not much, and I could come up with some better, elaborate example, but it is the little things, the gestures, the kind look, it can change someone’s day. Just a little showing of compassion. It’s almost selfish, doing good things for other people, because it makes you feel so good about what you are doing. Sometimes you might get more out of it than the receiver.

Finding love like this is easy, but finding a true love, a companionship love, is a more difficult endeavor. Many people think they find it, only to realize they didn’t invest quite enough in it, didn’t nurture or cultivate their relationship until it flourished. I want to have that forever. A love that is not marred by incidentals, or selfishness, or worthless anger.

This year, I have felt more, dreamed more, matured more, than I ever have. I have felt feelings that I thought were only reserved for those who are incredibly lucky. I always thought feelings like that were the kind you only find in Disney films and romance novels. I thought you had to be some kind of amazing person to find someone else amazing. Well, I’m not that amazing. But I definitely found someone that is. You forget all of the infatuations when you find something real. It’s like you were in the minor leagues up until now, and suddenly you got to play for the majors. Just because, maybe, someone saw something in you that no one else did. And suddenly that someone becomes your whole world, you don’t walk you strut. People ask “You are with her right?” “Yep!” You exclaim proudly. “I am with HER.”

You look at their expressions, relishing the fact that you have the most reserved place in her earthly world, wondering if they have something like that, seeing their expressions change, from eagerly asking this simple question, to obvious distress. “Oh. . .”

You understand the competition, not that it bothers you, but you use it, it makes you want to hold on even more, harder, tighter, stronger. Because you never want to lose this. This is what you have wanted for a long time, and it’s better than you ever imagined.

It’s funny to see that on this screen. Mostly I just think that sentence.

And you try to understand what you have. What is this love? What would I be without this? Do I appreciate it enough? Do I show my feelings enough?

But as it is love, it is forgiving, and unending, and beautiful. So any worries, and issues that you might think you have, are irrelevant. You have this. This is enough. Hopefully, forever. You pray.

My heart is a cup

Overflowing with darkness

From loneliness

Needing anyone

To… hold me.

My arms are a castle

Needing a purpose;

Someone to protect

Not prostitute or whore,

Just a… friend

To hold me.

My words are my spirit

Crying in fear

That my words will be silenced

Groping for reason, for purpose

For someone, who cares, who knows

To be touched by my words

And hold them

My hands are my…

(Mine no longer)

Gifted and skilled, tired and soar

Cold and… empty

Waiting, just waiting

For so long and so afraid

For someone’s hands

To hold…

I don’t care if we don’t sleep at all tonight, it’s all fixed now.

We all are on a journey of sorts. A journey that may have trials and tribulations, a journey that has needs. And for those needs, we lean on God, and those around us. We need them to support us, to pick us up when we fall, to be there, to give sympathy. And in a perfect world, there would never be any problems with this arrangement. But honestly, it can be hard. To be there, to stay feelings and pain. It is never easy, but it is rewarding. For in return, you receive love.

But one thing I think needs to happen to really be there for someone, is understanding. Dreaming of ways to understand pain. It’s almost impossible. Your sense of right and wrong, fairness, maybe even trust, will all be tested. And finding the words to say, to help, to ease the pain, is even harder.

But when you can help, when things get better, and you feel so good, good because maybe it doesn’t hurt them so much anymore, maybe you helped in some small way so that it doesn’t have to be so much of a burden.

It’s healing. It helps both parties involved, bonding, instilling trust, which begets more love.

So, being there for someone, it ’s a good thing. Something inherently right and true. And sometimes it’s something like a problem that draws people together.

My eyes strain as I pore over the monitor. Fingers are numb in this cold air, yet they hover anxiously over the keyboard, awaiting instructions, direction. I give them it.

And as my fingers patter over the keyboard, my mind is brewing sentences and paragraphs, letters and words fly across a screen in my head. I am alive, just now. Alive, and living, and thinking. And thinking.

It’s snowing with a fervor. Vast blankets of the white stuff have been falling over the landscape, promising to change the look of the entire world. Ah, Winter. I had forgotten.

Christmas displays have been popping up over the neighborhood, colored baubles and strings adorning many a house. The people that do exit the warmth of their houses will soon be greeted to a beautiful sight, white blanketing the world for miles around. The crunch of new fallen snow, the way it lays on the trees, that first taste. I drove home with my windshield wipers off, just to see myself enveloped in a white cloud. The little white flecks danced about my screen, the feeling of flight was something I was not far from.

Memories come rushing back as I stare lustfully at the snow. Walks in downtown Northville, arm in arm. Wading about in the snow, enjoying the nightlife of a beautiful city in winter. Staying close to keep warm, hugs in the middle of a cold night, just because. Feeling the weight of a thick wool coat, wrapping a scarf about your neck.  Listening to the silence of empty streets. Drinking “solid” hot chocolate at an amazing coffee shop. I remember those times like they were yesterday, how I miss them. How amazing that was. I need more times like that this year. I want to feel the love that everyone says is in the air.

The other 200 days of the year, I dislike winter. I complain about it. But when it comes back for the first time, when I see it in all it’s glory once again, I am amazed. It is spectacular.

Another memorable winter season is in order I think. I can’t wait for what’s in store.

Snow! It won’t be long before we’ll all be there! With snow. . .

Naturally I got home last night and listened to Phil Wickham’s CD, and today I completed over eight playthrough’s at work.

Wow. What an amazing night last night. Worshiping my Lord in Savior in good company has been something I’ve been missing. I was next to Julie and Colette, alternating jumping up and down, holding hands, and pressing our arms towards the Lord. Such cool people to experience something like this with. What a feeling to know that all the feelings you have are being shared by all those around you, by the people you are with, it somehow amplifies.

And then God pulled me down to my knees, and spoke to me in a way I had not heard in a while.

It’s silly to resist something like a pull from the Lord. But thats what I did for a while last night. I was standing, worshipping for a time, and suddenly I heard clear as day, “Kneel.” And I didn’t. I felt conspicuous with all of these people surrounding me. The worshipping went on, and I still felt a pull at my knees, sometimes causing me to bend them awkwardly towards the floor. I kept crying to the Lord, I kept calling to Him, but something in me knew he wanted me down on my knees to do this. And then Phil sang this verse, and the lyrics obviously called me – “so i fall to my knees
but i can’t bow low enough
i can’t bow low enough
at the vision of You my God
i can’t bow low enough
i can’t bow low enough
at the vision of You my God
i can’t hold it all inside”

So I did. I fell to my knees right in the midst of all those people, praising without worrying about what other people would think. Because that’s not what matters.

And God told me that it was ok. That he had forgiven me a long time ago for everything. That I am whole, and complete, and I’m being prepared for what he has for me to complete.

And it was so amazing to have that moment with my Lord on the floor, a hair away from everyone else, but far enough to hear.

So thanks Colette and Julie for being so supportive last night, and to you God, for not giving up, or slowing down. I needed that pull.

Looking to Cielo. I’m waiting anxiously.

There are so many amazing gifts God has given us. Sometimes we fail to see these gifts, we fail to perceive. And perception is another gift that, if used correctly, can yield amazing results. And yet, perception is notoriously difficult to master. There are times when perception gets in the way of a moral dilemma, where your vision is clouded by how you are perceiving the world around you.

We were all put on this world with gifts. Inherent in us, we can expand on them, master them. However, mastery is a carefully used word here, because it would be extremely hard to master any one of the gifts that God has chosen for us.

Perception is one of those that all of us have in varying degrees. I try to exercise it, sometimes failing, and other times coming out with flying colors.

I think the biggest issue at stake here is not how we perceive what is it we are perceiving, but why. And honestly, it isn’t you, or me, it’s everyone else. We perceive things in this world, the way we do because of our influences, and nobody is immune to that. Ever since you were a child, the music you listened to, the board games you played, all changed the way you think, and are a contributing factor to the way you behave today.

Personally I listened, or was forced to listen, to a lot of Simon and Garfunkel, so naturally I’m pretty cool, I speak softly, and I’m kind of a hippie. . . . .Ok, bad joke.

But you get my point. Or I hope you do. I am under the belief that everything that we every have enter into our heads, changes us in some subtle way. Maybe something numbs us to violence. Or sexual innuendo. Or depression. And in some cases, we take it a step further, and emulate our outside influences. Or let them change the way we look at ourselves.

Are you fat because all of the models you see on the billboards a size 1? Does God, the creator of the universe, of everything that you can imagine, hold that against you?

I’ll let you perceive what you like out of that one.

A misguided perception can lead to many terrible things. I should know. I perceived myself as a failure and a loser, when I know I am not. The devil has ways of entering your mind in ways that you can’t even imagine, ways I can’t imagine. His domain over this earth is so tightly organized, so critically woven, that it is almost impossible to see an attack by the evil one sometimes.

And so perception becomes not only a gift, but a tool, a weapon. An amazing gift God has given us, but we must strive to remember that, to use it though Him, not alone, because alone we have next to nothing to protect ourselves with. Without God, we are like the fleshy inside of a clam, easily destroyed. But with him by our side, we have an armor-plated shell, a kevlar vest, and a bulletproof glass window, only problem is that it’s auto-scrolling. And we tend to open it. A lot. Let me just take a peek God, look at this crazy movie, look at this awesome one hundred dollar bill, and she’s taking birth-control right? Wrong.

Don’t let your skewed perceptions be your guide through this world. Let God take the controls, let Him drive, and maybe you’ll find yourself not having a heavy heart, not crying in front of a mirror, and not shutting everyone out to make room for depression.

This desperation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
I should let it go

You are right. I don’t want to become sort of defeatist, self-condemnatory person. I have prospects, if I strive to see them. I have a life to look forward to, for so many reasons. I have people that love me. I have a God that watches over me. I have a girlfriend that doesn’t give up on me and loves me every second of the day. I have clothing, a roof over my head, food in my belly.

And I don’t want to give that up.

Natalie said that “You should do something each day that makes you feel alive.”

So. Well I guess I should, if I want to feel happy about myself. So what could I do?. . . How about a list. I like to;

Dance

Drive

Listen to music

Take walks

Ride my bike

Watch sunsets

Hold hands

Hug

Take pictures

Write

Create things

Watch emotionally charged films

Look at art

Love people

Heal problems

Help in some way

Ok. Well I have things that I can do to feel alive. I think with doing one of these each day, as well as fixing things at school, I can feel better about my life. Gosh, wouldn’t that be amazing. I don’t know the last time I felt that. Happy about my life. About where I’m going.

I’m finally feeling encouraged. I talked to Christina, and then I talked to my Mom. And there is nothing but encouragement from both of them. I guess it is darkest before the dawn. I feel like I can work things out. Maybe I’m not really stuck. I’ve been so heavyhearted because of things that have happened in my life. I shouldn’t look at the past, but look to the future. I need to soften my heart to God, and let him calm and console me. I need to realize that I do deserve to be with my girlfriend, that I love her, and she would be heart broken if I wasn’t in her life. I need to do so many things, but mostly I just need to leave my “poor me” attitude here. Because that isn’t me.

So God, thank you for all that you have given me. Gifts, love, a life, and amazing things on my horizon. Help me to realize this, and find myself among the destruction I have caused. God you created the heavens and the earth, you created me, with a purpose. Help me to be patient and careful about finding that out. Renew me Lord, with strength that fills me up. Help me to be strong in my beliefs, and slow in my life. Help me to take pleasure in things that don’t usually matter to me. Help me to love that which you have given me. Help me to look to my horizons, rather than back to whence I came. I don’t need those thoughts or feelings. The past mistakes have past. Help me learn from them, forgive myself, and then let them go. Help me Lord, because I need it now. Amen.

I put a lot of thought into these musings, even though that is probably not apparent to most of the small reader base I have. So to you, I write and muse my heart out. What a position you are in. To explore the brain of another, without bar or restraint.

I spent today away from work. A welcome loss. Keeping myself sane mostly consists of staying away from that place. I lustfully took in the sights of the outdoors, the smell of fresh air, unsullied with bleach and various cleaning products. Wow what a smell it is. I bought hot chocolate and rivaled at it’s un-appley taste. Having only one beverage to drink throughout the week does things to you.

I stared blatantly at the colorful trees and bushes, and smiled when the sun came out from behind them. What a day.

I got to see my bestest friend, Caroline, and her brother Christopher. I can’t remember the last time I babysat them. I’ve seen them grow up, practically raising them. And it has been months since the last time I saw them. What a leap two or three months can do to two children. I enjoyed their company immensely. Watching a movie with little Caroline resting her head on my chest, completely content, puts a smile on my face and a spring in my step. The joy children bring is grossly underestimated.

I have realized that while I have been detaching myself from the rest of the world, there are people that have not forgotten about me, not stopped caring. So thank you. It brought me back today.

I was thinking of tragedy today while watching the movie “Bolt”. I realized that a tragedy is only what you make of it. For instance, if you lose someone, you can either choose to move on, or just break apart and let yourself go. I have seen too many people choose the latter path, and I am starting to see that I too have been treading that road. What a sad commentary on motivation and perseverance. And I personally just wrote about both of those topics this past year. {Look for them under the “Angel’s” category.} Sometimes, you just get hit with something that makes you not want to continue, or keep trying. And that is when you need God the most. And people. To know that people love you and care for you is a gift not easily forgotten. It keeps me going. So thank you God. And thank you people. Christina, Danielle, and Shannon in particular.

So. I have spent my life thinking. I’m sure you have too. It has begin to trouble me however, that I never open up and share these thoughts with anyone. Yes, I talk about many things, with many people. But I feel like I never tell anyone about the real me. The person inside of this, the one you all see, thats not me. And you, dear reader, are also not transparent with your thoughts. Is it because it is strange? To say things that we feel, and know, and want? Like how I wish I could leave this time, to go back to innocence, and wonderment, and to really live again. Is that too much? How many of us have felt that? Maybe I am the only one.

I would tell you, that I feel like I’ve come to a sad period in my life. A time of stress and anger, resentment, and sorrow. I would tell you that I feel like a pinball set upon some grotesque machine, by the devil himself. My body is broken, and my soul is wretched. I can only look to God, but even then, I know that I still have to face this, this trial, before I move on.

And what if I don’t want to move on? What if, what if, some sick part of me wants to stay here? To stay miserable. Because I can take it. Maybe I enjoy this. But I hate it at the same time.

To make up for mistakes is no easy task, monumental to say in the least.

I think and I feel, so many things. The steady train of information in my head is constantly evaluating, pondering, wondering, wishing. I look forward and backward, sideways even… And, . . I don’t know how to express it. How can you explain your head to someone?

How can you really know anyone? All you ever see is what they think of themselves, or what someone else thinks of them. The part of them, that is them, is never really apparent. It is hidden away, behind layers of data, and feelings, and thoughts. When is it ever really out in the open?

I don’t know what to do sometimes. Maybe I just overthink scenarios. But it just seems like I’m stuck here. And no one can get me out. I set people up, to say the thing that I need to hear, but it doesn’t happen. Maybe I’m doing something wrong, because the problem must be me. And I wonder where to go, how to go about things, like making my life work, my relationships, my everything. And this holding pattern we call life continues to get down on me, because I let it.

But this isn’t about me, or is it? I want to know, I want to. know. Your feelings. Not what movie you watched last night, or who you talked to. But how it made you feel, how it changed your life. I wonder why we don’t talk more like that? Wouldn’t that be better? Or in some cases worse I suppose. I feel like all the conversations I have ever had, or ever will, will only scratch the surface of what someone is feeling. Because you can’t feel that too. And sympathy is gross. What can we say, what can we do, to make things better? I don’t know. These are just thoughts, however random.

HOPEFULNESS

Do not despair the solace from Allah. Nobody despairs the solace from Allah except from people who do not believe ( Surah Yusuf :87)

Faith and Hope (flickr)

Consider two different people, two next-door neighbors, for instance, who live under the same conditions. Let’s say that the same terrible event befalls both of them: A burglar has stolen their valuables. Let’s assume that one of the homeowners has faith in Allah, and that the other has gotten carried away with the ambitions of this world and forgotten the hereafter…

The unbeliever has worked his whole life and so was able to buy a number of valuables. For him, nothing is more important than these valuables, for he or she has based his whole life, aspirations, and expectations upon them. But now, having lost all of them quite suddenly, he thinks that his life has been for nothing, that his efforts have been wasted.
Becoming engulfed in a continual spiritual state of pessimism and complaint, he complains to everybody. In fact, some people in this situation may even cry for days and become sick, or display constant irritability and hurt those around them. Sometimes they will withdraw into themselves suddenly, trying to make those around them partners to their helplessness and sorrow. With the loss of a few valuables, their entire life has, in their own words, been “turned upside down.”

But the believer does not experience any of this. In contrast to the screaming and wailing from next door, an utmost calm and peaceful atmosphere prevails in his or her house. He does not succumb to the slightest sadness or negativity, and manages to maintain his uninterrupted submission to Allah, as well as his balanced and happy state of mind.

He can do this because just as he knows that the One Who gave him these valuables is Allah, he also knows that it is Allah Who takes them back. Realizing that this event must contain some good, he is at peace. Never enslaved to his worldly passions only thus falling into despair, he remains hopeful that Allah will give him more beautiful and better things in both this world and the hereafter.

Such events do not cause Muslims to fall into a sense of hopelessness. On the contrary, such situations only cause their submission to Allah to increase, and they experience the happiness and peace of being thankful to Him regardless of their present circumstances. Since they know that Allah is testing them, they ask Him for that which benefits them.

Even if they have lost everything, believers can start fresh without the slightest feeling of hopelessness, and with patience and enthusiasm. Their enthusiasm arises from their faith, their trust in and love for Allah, their Qur’anic morals, and their certain realization of this world’s transience. This optimistic attitude toward the future, this habit of always looking on the bright side, shows up in all of the events faced by believers throughout their lives.

No matter how difficult their situation, believers always display maturity, moderation, fortitude, and strength. They never

Hope: New Start (flickr)

compromise on matters affecting their dignity, integrity, or respect; nor do they display any of the unbelievers’ attitudes or character disorders. Thus they are beautiful models for all people everywhere.

Their most distinctive characteristic in such situations is their continual hope. This is important, because Allah does not favor hopelessness, and because the Qur’an says that a lack of hope is a characteristic of unbelievers. Losing hope in Allah’s help, mercy, and forgiveness is an ugly action, one that the Qur’an has forbidden.

As a result of their hopeful spiritual state, each believer lives a peaceful and happy life, whereas those who do not submit to Allah are forever hopeless, anxious, and worried. As a result, each unbeliever lives in dismay, sadness, and distress.

Most people fall into despair when they do not get what they want, lose something, or when some unexpected dreadful event befalls them. Moreover, it does not even occur to them to hope to be forgiven in the hereafter, to be freed from Hellfire, or to enter Paradise. In fact, because they do not have a sound and Qur’anic understanding of the afterlife, they do not even know what it means to hope for Paradise.

All of this is a result of being ignorant of the Qur’an and of following a different path from the straight one shown therein. Every negative event that befalls such people in their perpetually confused and turbulent lives causes them sadness and pessimism. Unaware of the Divine wisdom, advice, and counsel that the believers gain through the Qur’an, they listen to Satan’s whisperings and so become enslaved by infinite anxiety, conjecture, and worry. They face the material and spiritual consequences, in both this world and the next, of turning their backs on the Qur’an that was sent to them.

This site provides an important opportunity for those who have lived far from the Qur’an to leave their familiar distorted attitudes and mindsets and be reunited with the happiness of this world and the next. As for those who already believe and follow the Qur’an, it is an advice, a reminder and an encouragement for them to understand it better.

Harun Yahya

I’ve cried and cried over the letter you wrote,

I’ve tried and tried to be strong and move on,

But the tears on the papers remind me to make a note;

I can’t move on and forget you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t live on.

I do miss you, I miss you a lot, and I’ve asked God if what I did was really His plan.

He’s giving me the words to write so I want you to hear.

However you fell, however you act, whoever you become works in His plan,

But only if that is why they become you; so that you and He can grow near.

Hope is a live and as beautiful as ever, don’t let go of hope,

Pray everyday for another day, thank Him for it,

Strive to live, live to thrive, and don’t settle to just cope,

No sin, no words, no thought is too black for Him to forgive it,

You don’t always have to trust the world, the people around you,

You don’t always have to do what they tell you to do,

But always trust Him who has loved you, loves you, and will always love you,

Always obey what He tells you, He knows what to do.

You don’t ever whisper to the darkness alone,

Yes God is there but the darkness is there too.

It’s a lion ready to pounce, don’t be caught napping alone,

Satan wants you to lie in the wet road; he wants you to dwell on it too,

Demons take all forms, as beautiful seducers in all shapes and sizes,

They aren’t red painted, horned, spear tailed men in capes,

They are in the form of what is common and lovely to you.

Don’t give up on yourself and no one else will,

Don’t fall apart altogether, but fall about in His healing arms,

I’m sorry if this means nil,

It’s late at night; I couldn’t miss the paper alarms,

I love you; you’ll always be remembered with love. I miss you,

Hold on, and I’ll see you in a perfect land someday,

He does love you, don’t you dare forget,

Hold Him tight at night, kiss His perfect face, and whisper to him all you need to say,

He loves you more than you can imagine,

He’s kissing you, holding you, loving you, even when things aren’t fine.

The Bride danced around the dance floor with a dreamy gracefulness from one man’s arms to another. She was beautiful, brilliant, and looked the part of an unexplainably happy Bride. Her white dress seemed to spin around her like a snow storm as she danced on. Her bright brown hair flew around her face the way it does in a movie.

            One man in a silver tuxedo and a black tie glided over to the Bride and took her in his arms. The two obviously knew each other and had a history, for the Bride’s already large smile widened as she looked up at the man dancing with her.

            “You’ve grown a lot since I last saw you.” He said in a deep, passionate voice. He smiled and looked down at the Bride with twinkling brown eyes.

            “So have you.” She gasped out.

            “Is it awkward dancing with the first boy you ever loved at your wedding?” the man asked as he held the Bride close to him, comfortable holding her, seeming to know her body.

            “It was never awkward for us, and it still isn’t.” she whispered as she relaxed in his arms. “Just as long as you don’t try to steal me away from my husband.”

            The man smiled and leaned his head down so he could whisper to her, “He’s your husband now, you two are deeply in love, and I wouldn’t wan to change that.”

            “Good.” She said.

            “I’m only going to be here for this dance, after that I’m leaving.” He whispered with a touch of pain in his voice. “This could be the last time I get to be with you.”

            The Bride looked up and did the unexpected, she frowned, “Why can’t you stay?”

            The man didn’t change his stance, or the dance. “Because I’ve stayed here in the hopes that you might come back for me. But now you’re married, and I don’t want to be around to do anything stupid.”

            The Bride put her face down into the man’s chest and whimpered. “You never got over me, did you?”

            “I told you I wouldn’t.”

            “And so now you have to leave because you don’t want that to get in the way of my marriage.”

            “Yes… I’m afraid that’s right. I’m sorry. I wish I could stop loving you the way I do, but I can’t, and it wouldn’t be fare for you or your husband for me to stay around.” He said in a sigh.

            After a few seconds of thinking the Bride said, “Thank you… Ben. I know there’s someone out there better for you than me.”

            “Maybe. Maybe not, but either way, I’m happy that you did find the man better than me.” He said honestly.

            “I still love you, Ben, and if you ever need a place to stay, or if you ever need anything, you can come to me. Okay?” She offered with a tear.

            “Someday I may need to take you up on that offer.” He said with great pain in the way he spoke. “I love you too. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, and everything you’ve done to me. You’re an amazing woman, and Josh is an amazing guy, I hope you two have a strong and everlasting marriage.” And before the Bride could make a move, the man kissed her on the cheek and was off towards the door.”

            “Goodbye, Ben.” She whispered. “God, keep him in your presence, bless him with the love of his life. Thank you for him. Amen.” She prayed before her husband came to her and danced her away. She smiled a pure, perfect smile and didn’t regret the choice to marry him, and never in their marriage did she regret it.

            She never saw Ben again, though she bought one of his books and saw him in the newspaper a few times. She heard years later that he married a wonderful woman and had tried to invite her to the wedding but she had moved. They missed each other every time they thought of the other, but their lives were better than they had dreamed they would be, so they just prayed for each other, and lived their separate lives the way God planned them.

life’s short, and i have just five years

life’s too short to be spent on fears

just five years and then i might die

so i swear i will never lie

in these five years of fearless life

through all the pain and all the strife

i’ll make love with my love, someday

i wont ever care what they say

i will not relent in my love

i’ll create my machine of love

five years, and i’ll never give up

five years, and i’ll never shut up

i have five years till i could die

but darling i swear i won’t cry

today i’m gonna live it up

today i’m gonna spend it up

i won’t back down, i won’t stand by

i wont relent, i’ll live and die

the next five years are all for this

the next five years are in this kiss

I don’t see many hummingbirds…have not seen many and may not. They are not everywhere. One must have red flowers with nectar that calls to them: “Come here, little ones, come quench your thirst on this delicious wine…” One flower would not be enough unless there are hummingbirds in the area. I think I may have only seen 4 or 5 of them in my lifetime. I said, seen. That’s the difference—seeing them. They are always on the move, fly a million miles an hour and do not linger without cause. Flitting from flower to flower in total delight, they are energy and wonder, love and joy.

Legends concerning this tiny little bird are generally positive and hopeful. Native Americans associate hummingbirds with the Ghost Spirit, who teaches a dance intended to return the natural balance of the world. An Aztec legend says the god of music and poetry took the form of a hummingbird and descended into the underworld to make love with a goddess, who then gave birth to the first flower.

Last Sunday (hope and help, Sep. 2) I was sharing with friends and spoke about some of the more difficult challenges I’ve had in my 70+ years. Suddenly they spotted a hummingbird just outside the window adjacent to where I was sitting. It hovered next to me, looked in and dashed away quickly, realizing there was no portal through the window. Shy little birds, barely weighing an ounce, I suspect. Messengers of love and joy, some say.

I was startled and slow to respond.  My story had sadness in it…sadness I was used to, but sadness onegenerally leaves in boxes and prefers not to open unless asked. It had been a tough half hour, and a tough week prior. My friends were ecstatic with joy at the site of the little bird. They thought it was a blessing from God and a good omen. I thought it was a blessing from God too, but not just for me…for all of us. Was it God-life answering my prayer the night before, for a pathway out of sadness and a way in to joy? Did the Holy Spirit appear to me as the angel appeared to Mary?

Remember me telling you about this kid? The teenaged son of…. a good friend of mine, yes, a friend of mine.

And how this kid maybe, just maybe mind you, maybe went back to school this week. Being that classes started on Monday and all, And, how this may have been a really big deal, because this kid, my friend’s son, may not have been able to attend school for a long time before this.

Well, this kid and all the significant adults making significant decisions with him, thought going back to school was a good idea and that Monday was as good a time as any to try.

And, try he did. This kid got up at the Buttcrack O’Dawn to go to school since classes started at Seven O’Dark in the morning. And he went to classes, classes he had abandoned more than six months ago. And it was hard.

Not because he was scared, or anxious or couldn’t do the work, but because he had got out of practice. 

“It was damn hard, Mom.” But, this kid was too nice to talk like that to his mother, so he just thought this, out loud.

And the homework. The OH.MY.GOD. homework had to be done. That first night was a struggle and the boy and I my friend fell back into their old habits of avoidance and parental meltdowns. 

That was until a very wise woman bitch slapped the mom for being such a colossal putz, telling her to chill the hell out and let him do this on his own. Succeed or fail, it was his to do. 

After that, evening homework was no big thang and done without prompting, without tear, without gnashing of teeth.. and all was good.

Until Friday afternoon when I my friend had to check the kid’s grades online to see if he was indeed doing all his homework, classroom work, et cetera, et cetera.

It must be said that in a previous time, whenever the mom had to do this she would become, literally, physically ill. To the point that the colors blue and red ~ the font colors used to show missing grades and assignments ~ could cause her to throw up a little in her mouth, just a little.

But, because she loves her son, and  because he faced down his homework and did what he had to do, this was her burden to bear.

Typing in her son’s student ID and password, those dreaded text tables appeared….

And it was good… and she could take her hand from her mouth, and unclench her fists, and breathe a sigh of relief.

There is still that fear of another shoe dropping, of all of this being too good to be true, of jinxing what some may call hopefulness. But for now, my friend is so very proud of her son. 

And he is a little proud of himself.

Dedicated to a long lost friend who inspired me with her poem “Paint Brush” (But is not who this story is about.) I still remember you, wherever you are, keep the paint brush in the drawer, you’re beautiful without it.

Mascara ran down her pale plain face, hands held high breaking through the transparent line of peer pressure.

A smile melted on a frowning face along with a mask of paint and pain.

A mask removed revealing the sweat of work running down her eyes from the struggles of her life.

Her eyes were open but saw no one but the Man they’d focused on. Though her friends were crying with their arms around her she felt nothing but the never ending longing.

She wanted to—needed to—longed to feel the touch of more than love. She hunted for—fought for—died for—sold for a touch of Love.

The men had touched her but only with social, physical, uncommitted love. She’d met all the types but the Man before her blood shot paint washed eyes told her He Loved her.

She reached out and took His hand, feeling the Love she’d been looking for. But she felt as if it’d always been, like she’d missed something all her teenage life.

He kissed her cheek with a vibrant twinge, telling her He’s always been, always will, no matter what, Love her and hold her and pick her up when she falls.

Today she fell to her knees—He came down with her. She fell to her face—He came with her. She fell into death—He was waiting.

He picked her up and carried her to the house He built with His two scarred hands.

As she gazes eternally into His eyes we cry and sob for what we’ve lost—but we remember that night when she was eighteen and she fell in Love. Now sixty years later we know where she is; in Heaven with her King.

Are you reading this I wonder?
are you viewing what I say?
Does it interest or remind you?
does your contemplation stay?
We travel many roads in the life we lead
travelling companions sometimes come to meet
Often we are wary, often were confused
Other times we are humbled
other times we feel used
But sometimes, just sometimes
we meet a friend along the way
Someone to remind us that humanities ok
Oft times we are chasing the wildest of our dreams
other times were guarded from suffering others schemes
This worlds not made of black and white
There is nothing as simple as wrong and right
Bad people live amongst the good
those who can’t care less, those who are rude
Some people hurt us and they leave us wounds
Some people care enough to help us heal them too
There are those who are acquaintance
nodding terms along lifes way
There are those we love and trust with all
that we hold dear and will not sway
from the holding of our hand
to the ear so gladly given
when were down they pick us up
sharing life in its bouquets
Some choose to live alone
Secure in their own thoughts
Some lie and lick their wounds
which hurtful schemes have wrought
Some lose the means of trusting
Some think that love is dead
Where fairy tales turned nightmare
Armageddon in our heads
where confidence has faltered
faith lost in our fellow man
the walls of Jehrico once more secured
where they forever stand
Once bitten then twice shy you say
better to live alone
Turning our homely walls of haven
Into a hermits tomb
Life is more and life is less
than the expectation which we place
a surgical appliance is needed
for our battered hearts to brace
we must learn to walk again
we mustn’t give up hope
Always remember we have dear friends
Never closing out
So open up your mind
and open up your trust
open up your faith
openness is a must
we have many roads to follow
and many seas to sail
many rivers winding
many dusty trails
courage then and hold fast
believe that there is good
never let the evil win
scared not to be misunderstood
Have a drink and share a laugh
a smile for every day
more healthy than the apple
the doctor said to take today.

Rod Macfarlane

let us remain silent

for what we say

has been said before

so let’s remain silent

and mean the things we’ve said before

let us remain silent

for the sounds we make

destroy the silent

and now we are silent

the earth is peaceful

fast asleep and quiet

meaning the things

we used to say

as we remain silent

and colors are again vibrant

as we continue in silence

silence…

silence…

silence…

but now it’s time

and the time has come

to break our silence

and speak our thoughts

silence…

it is made to be

eventually

broken…

so the silence is broken

by the whisper’s of lovers

the meaning is spoken

in words used before

yet all is new

polished in silence

the silence is broken

by the lover’s whisper

using three words

to express the meaning

silence…

silence…

broken by

“i love you!”

Sketcher: Kamal ud-din Bihzad

Hopefulness (rajā)  is the house of ecstatic speakers, is the horse of spiritual cavaliers, is the litter of lovers, is the ring of lost gamblers.

O you, who mirror of eternal Beauty is her cute eye!

Know that Chinese paints derive their inscriptions form Your face and lovers derive their excitements from seeing the angle bent of Your eye.

It is not possible to smite the indomitable ego but by the rocks of Your love. It is not possible to find you without hopefulness.

Poetry:
Without hope, there is  no qualification,
In walking on the road of love.
It is me and it is your hair,
My reliance is on Allah’s kindness!

Ruzbihan Baqli, Abhar ul-Asheqin, ch. 24.