He sat in an old rocking chair. The chair was glued together in parts and taped together in others. The tape was thick from being bound over and over again around the parts where the wood had splintered slightly around the joints from overuse.

His parrot perched on a swing chair. Rocking backwards and forwards gently, as he had seen his owner do over time. The parrot did not speak, he did not even have a name.

The man’s beard was not groomed and his hands were covered in sores, but from where, he did not know.

The parrots eyes were bloodshot and his talons were unclipped.

The man had not been outside in close to twenty-four years. The parrot had never seen daylight and it’s once colourful coat had adapted to it’s surroundings over time so that the bright colour was now a deep, dark reddish brown.

The lighting was minimal, electrical but dim, hanging somewhere overhead that the man never looked.

A faint glow of a television screen in front of him was what he only ever stared at.

The news flickered on, for twenty-four hours a day. Every day.

The man and the parrot watched it, constantly.

They slept together, each in their own chair, once their eyes could not any longer sustain the intense flickering.

They watched the daily horror unfold and waited for more.

The man was waiting for the big one, the parrot was waiting for it too.

Opened brown boxes were scattered around the room, relieved of their tape and recycled around the room on other things, fixing them back into use.

The man dreamt of nuclear explosions and atomic warfare. The parrot dreamt of the man and the television.

The man woke early one morning with a shudder and looked around him to see the room shaking. He wondered if he had been right all along. The parrot woke too, looked at the man wide eyed and shaking uncontrollably in his old rocking chair. He did not squark, he did not make a sound.

The man looked up at the parrot.

‘No,’ he thought, ‘Not today.’

The man had reasoning for this. The parrot wasn’t sure why.

The man knew why this was so.

The man knew that this wasn’t the radioactive wave sent to wash them away.

The man knew that because the television was still alight there was no electro magnetic pulse.

The man knew that because the parrot was still alive there was no poisoning in the air. The parrot didn’t know that he would be the first to go.

The man closed his eyes, content with his survival.

The parrot fell from his perch.

The Library comes to your Home

 The Home Library Service is a free service run by Derbyshire County Council Libraries.  It enables housebound people of all ages access to library resources on a temporary or permanent basis.  We deliver books, audio books and music cd’s to people in their own homes, in care homes or in sheltered accommodation.

By completing an initial assessment visit, the Home Library Assistant will tailor the service to an individual’s needs.  The user can choose to receive books in standard type or large print, audio books on cd or cassette and can specify the types of books they require, sagas, thrillers, romances or non-fiction for example.

Home deliveries will then take place on a four week basis at a time which is mutually agreed by the user and the Housebound Library Assistant, and will continue on a regular basis until the user chooses to cancel them.  The Assistants try to stay flexible in their deliveries so that they can accommodate people who may be seasonally housebound or only temporarily incapacitated.

If you would like to take up the service or know of anyone who might benefit from it, please contact:

 Sarah Wood, Access and Inclusion Librarian, Alfreton Library, Alfreton, Derbyshire. DE55 7BQ

01173 833199 or Sarah.wood@derbyshire.gov.uk

And no, it’s not the start of a bad joke. Must warn you that I am feeling just a tad sorry for myself this evening which makes for potentially blah reading. I’ll do my best to keep it light
Back to the vampire question. I can’t remotely think of what might be the opposite of a vampire except that it might be me right now. And why this bold claim all of a sudden? Well, the simple answer is that unlike a vampire I never go out after dark anymore. I am for all intents and purposes allergic to darkness, streetlights, noisy beer filled places where mortals congregate and have fun ( I think they are called bars) and it would seem, a social life.
Why am I realising this today and feeling sorry for myself?
Yesterday evening I drove to the supermarket and left Jer with the baby. My intention was to be back by half six for the baby’s bath but I got stuck in terrible traffic. By the time I was nearing home it was after seven. My first inkling that something was up was when I couldn’t remember how to switch the headlights on in the car. Driving home seemed really weird and I realised it was because it was DARK! Yes, it does get dark bloody quickly in the UK.
My next realisation was that this exciting trip to the local supermarket was only the second time I have been out of the house after dark since the baby was born, nearly four months ago. The other time was for dinner for our 1st wedding anniversary. We were able to do that because jer’s mum was visiting from the states and she babysat.
I realise that with a baby you can’t expect to be out partying every night and I am not even the party animal type. But but but I am feeling a little bit stir crazy. This feeling isn’t helped by the fact that this is jer’s last week in his old job and so there have been a few nights where he has gone out in the last two weeks. I don’t begrudge him it and he has always checked to see if it’s ok, if I’m ok. He also gave me a great spa gift last weekend to have a facial and a massage (bliss) so I can’t grumble at him, nor would i want to.
Doesn’t hide the fact that I want to go out to play too!!!!!
And yes, I know I am a parent now and things change but I really do feel a night out with the girls coming on. Bring on those mojitos!
Signed the anti-vampire

Outstanding! Once again Mr.Wind is being a complete git, and forcing me to take cover inside. He’s blowing at around 45knots and has turned the sea into foaming mass. Not a hint of blue to be seen. So apparently no fishing for me today…again! Getting a tad sick of being house bound, really need to get my fix.

And it doesn’t end there, oh no. Tomorrow Apparently will be pretty much the same as today, with the small difference of apparently there being the odd sunny spell. Am so excited I could throw up! Bah, but enough about me whinging. Will just have to wait it out, am sure there will be some fish time coming up….eventually.

I am going on holiday at the beginning of June, down to the sunny west coast of Scotland. For about ten days or so. Why? I hear you ask, well simple really…I love being eaten alive my midges! No not really, I am going there because the fishing is pretty good there, oh and because Clair really likes it there. So two birds with one stone. Neat eh? And as usual I will be posting pictures of anything I catch.

So until next time, tight lines and happy angling.

Ok so as previously mentioned I had some ‘light’ surgery the other day no nothing cosmetic! And once again I’ll spare you the details but I have had a funny couple of days…I’ve pretty much not left my bedroom and everyone has come to me bringing gifts! Is that quality or what?!

Day 1:

To Vicky’s disappointment (she wanted to play nurse) I wasn’t that ill straight after surgery so we watched TV…

Then Ollie came over to keep us both company he came baring some lovely gifts….

He also brought me 6 yeah thats right 6 peanut butter chunky kit kats cause he knows how much I like them…

So I thanked him by plucking his eyebrows for him,I’m not sure how happy he’ll be with me putting this on here but it is something all men should do if their eyebrows meet in the middle! His face in this picture is QUALITY hahaha…

And then the girls brought me more cards and more flowers and oh yes more peanut butter chunky kit kats I ended up with 10 all in all haha!

More updates on what I’ve been up to without leaving my room to come…

Virtual Church 07 – Benefits of Virtual Church

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In the previous Podcast we looked at two of the major liabilities and criticisms of the Virtual Church, and how they can be overcome. Today we are going to look at the benefits a Virtual Church offers.

Virtual Church can provide a spiritual avenue for people not currently able to attend a traditional geographical church in order to participate in the function of mission, worship, fellowship and bible teaching. It is a major benefit can be seen in giving to the isolated and detached of society with what Jürgen Moltmann called a “creative passion for the impossible” (God for a Secular Society, London: SPCK, 1999, p.159). That is a task for a Virtual Church community to grasp and go ahead with..

Assisting Housebound & disabled people

One of the ways in which a virtual church is effective is in the area of helping housebound and disabled people. Housebound people, including those with physical, emotional and psychological problems, may only venture from their domicile on rare occasions. Access to a traditional geographical based church is not always catered for, as well as people being too shy to attend traditional church. Indeed, I know a lady, who because she has a low self-esteem, she felt more at ease communicating in a Virtual Reality environment, particularly in a Virtual Church. If the local geographically based churches do not have transport for housebound and disabled people, then a Virtual Church could well be the means to allow these people to participate in the life of the church.

One way to enable people is through technology. As technology consistently evolves, items such as the Dream-racer Cap could be configured to control computers http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6625145.stm. The cap works by head movement, however the underlying technology could also be used in a glove or shoe and therefore enable a semblance of ‘normal’ movement to the user. For more seriously disabled people with severely restricted movement, there are available eye-controlled communication devices (http://www.tobii.com/default.asp?sid=553).

By using these technologies, housebound and disabled people would be able to participate a great deal within a Virtual Church environment, including fellowship and worship. There is also the possibility of extending their participation to serving the Virtual Church in some capacity such as moderator, administrator or helping to lead worship, bible teaching and prayer times. This inevitably leads to confidence dealing with people offline, and more in a God they desire to serve using their Spiritual gifts that may currently be lying dormant and unused. In doing this, people will develop confidence in themselves. Instead of feeling neglected, isolated and alone, they may feel wanted, and more importantly, loved by others.

One major foreseeable problem with this proposal is that financially, it may be prohibitively expensive to arrange and operate these schemes. There is also the requirement of sourcing technical support in the case of hardware and software malfunction. Training issues could be another issue. However, with God, if He is in the planning, nothing is impossible. Local church groups, Christian organizations and denominations could pool financial and personnel resources, so they could be achieved. It would signify visually that churches have unity, even without uniformity. It would also give rise to the opportunity for traditional churches to work along with Virtual churches to the glory of God. Charities and Government help is also widely available to help subside costs or donate technology (http://www.cftd.co.uk/cftd.htm). In helping the housebound, the Virtual Church will have extended the Gospel’s reach and be seen “loving their neighbour” Matthew 22v39).

Assisting the Geographically Isolated & Persecuted Christians

A Virtual Church would enable isolated church communities, such as those ministered to be Bush Church Aid Society of Australia (http://www.bushchurchaid.com.au). This method would enable such organizations to fulfil their vision.

Bush Church Aid Society of Australia

Similar links could be created with isolated Christian communities and churches in Great Britain or the USA. This would be similar to the way New Testament churches linked. The New Testament communities linked for the following reasons: prayer support, encouragement, imitation and theological reflection. Today, isolated churches can also gather together for fellowship, worship, evangelism and teaching in a Virtual church.

Another benefit is for Christians in persecuted countries to meet with Christians in the west. This of course may give additional problems, given the Internet censorship policy of such countries.

Virtual Church enables the capability for Christians to communicate and worship together from a vast geographical area, where there may not be many churches, is self-evident given the scope and range of the Internet.

So the enabling of housebound, disabled and geographically isolated people to engage with other Christians is a major benefit of a Virtual Church. Without Virtual Church, a lot of people and their spiritual gifting would go missing from church life. Virtual Church is but one visible identifier to the invisible world-wide Church. Thank you.

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So how do we make sense of creating rhythms at home, ones that serve both mother and child, even in a context that seems almost impossible?

When we consider the context of modern life, we woman live at a time when moms often live secluded lives, even when they are city dwellers! And they spend all day, day in, day out, with the same people, namely their children who often demand their total presence. Partners are at work, grandmas and aunties are living their own lives. Gone are the days of the maid, the butler and the wet nurse at a woman’s side. So if it took all these people, essentially a village to raise a child and a tribe to do the day to day chores, hunting and cooking, how is it that we got to this place of expecting one women to be able to do it all this work on her own, while meeting the needs of today’s children?

We could throw our hands up and say that it isn’t healthy and it isn’t humanly possible and that’s why we feel we fall short (this is why it is a frenzy!) or we could view the frenzy in our homes as the catalyst for evolution; a big bang so to speak! The contrast that leads us into the desire for a new way to live. One that can transform the way we do it!

While it is a lot to chew, it is my intention that this blog become a forum so that we can co-create a new context for homemaking in the new earth with children.

If we cannot or choose not to move into an intentional community or we don’t have extended family to share the raising of our children, then how can we use this challenge to creatively come up with a way of life that works and does not cut corners of the essentials of a meaningful life for ourselves and our children (whatever that means to us each individually)?

So while cultivating order and rhythms could be part of transforming the frenzy of homemaking with children in tow, it could also be taken as another expectation of ourselves or yet another high ideal to live up to. Yet I propose that if we make it a practice to keep coming back to, in the long haul, it will actually bring us more satisfaction, freedom and spontaneity; those things we so long for when “housebound”. It also gives us a life to look forward to “living into”. For mother, it gives us a sense of purpose and accomplishment, and for the child, security. He/she knows what to expect and what is expected. With our awareness of why children act needy or demanding allows us to have greater compassion for them with the understanding that children tend to get into the driver seat and lead if parents do not. Mother’s will rightfully exclaim, “This child is driving me crazy”! Instead of feeling helpless in the face of our childrens distressful behavior, we can recognize that our children are “crying” for direction. Their discontent and ours continually brings us back to the question, “am I fulfilling on my intentions in a rhythmic way that my child can rely on and I am I feeling more grounded, centered and dynamic in my life as a householder? That is the practice.

So! It’s been snowing all day today. Makes for a beautiful site especially when the cardinals come to the bird feeder or sit atop the fluffy snow-covered fence. Looking out the patio door to the back yard and seeing the cardinals on the fence and in the trees, with large white snow flakes drifting down over their bright red feathers, made for a picture postcard.

Having said that –  let’s get this winter over with shall we???? We’ve been getting so much snow down this way that the plows haven’t even been out yet – and that’s saying a lot for Fort Erie. The snow plows are usually out at the first sign of a flake, so you know this is serious. I’m thinking they’re going to make it worth their while this time around and wait for the Snow Gods to do their thing first.

With the frigid cold and the snowy conditions, Nat and I have been housebound for the past couple of days and we’re running out of ideas on how to wile away the hours. Oh, there’s lot we can do, but the mood has to strike you, too, and that’s not always the case. Yesterday and today, however, we made a couple of  exceptions and mustered up the courage to tackle a job or two that were sitting on the back burner waiting for our attention. Yesterday Nat decided to finish putting up the insulation in the little sump pump room and was unable to finish the job. I decided to take down the living room sheers with the intention of letting down the hem, run them through the washer and give them a good pressing. I, too, was unable to finish the job.

With Nat’s job, he was well on his way. He headed down to the hardware store and purchased some more vapour barrier (that tar paper stuff), cleared everything out of that room, dismantled the shelves and began to fix the vapour barrier that was already up. Much to his chagrin he discovered a couple of moist spots on the concrete underneath the tar paper. Thinking “here we go again” he stopped what he was doing and we began to call foundation repair guys. As luck would have it, from what we’ve been told, it doesn’t sound too major and we’re to keep an eye on things until Spring. So, there the mess sits. Stuff that was being stored in that little room is now gathered in a big heap outside the door, with shelves laying across the basement floor waiting to be re-hung. We’ll sit, we’ll wait, we’ll watch what happens! So much for Nat’s conscious effort to complete a project when it was a perfect day for doing so!!!

As for me!! For the longest time – ever since we moved into this place – the living room sheers have been driving me crazy. They were hung in haste for instant privacy and along with being all wrinkled, they were too damn short!!!! This morning I told myself this was going to be the day. I would take down the hem, give them a good wash (it’s been a year, afterall) and press out those wrinkles. How hard could it be? Well, much to my chagrin, taking down the hem was going to take longer than I anticipated. There were six panels to do, and I would then have to put some fusing tape on the small little hem that would remain afterward. No, I was NOT going to re-stitch each hem on each panel. I’ve discovered the wonders of fusing tape and that would be my salvation. However, as I began, I queried myself. Why am I doing this? Nat and I had decided to replace them when funds were available and when we could find exactly what we were looking for. This was, therefore, going to be a fruitless exercise. The sheers will probably end up in a garage sale one of these years. So I made the intelligent decision and stopped what I was doing. I instead ran them through the washer – afterall Nat was kind enough to take them down, so that’s the least I could. As a result they were washed, they were pressed and re-hung. End of story.

Rest of our day was spent with Nat clearing the driveway – getting a head start on what else may befall us – and I finished my jigsaw puzzle. Happy days!!!!

Nothing ventured – nothing gained. 

Precipitation: a deposit on the earth of hail, mist, rain, sleet, or snow; the quantity of water deposited.

I wrote about our Pacific Northwest weather on April 30, but that was actually wussy weather. This time the combination of snow (8″) and freezing rain (1/2″) has the Portland metro area at a standstill. More snow and freezing rain are expected.

In fact the whole I-5 corridor, from the California border to Seattle, is an icy snowy precipitous mess and is supposed to remain so for the better part of a week. This bodes well for a white Christmas and poorly for a visit from my children and grandchildren, who were planning to drive up I-5 from the Bay Area for the holiday week with us.

My own car, which normally snuggles cozily in my garage, sits abandoned at the bottom of the hill on which I live. Yesterday morning, just before the weather made driving impossible, my son went to fetch our Christmas tree, and simply slid down the hill past our driveway and couldn’t get unstuck. The car is now blanketed in snow and sealed with a substantial layer of ice.

As is my entire yard, and my driveway.  Very photogenic, but treacherous.

Until yesterday I didn’t really understand the weather terminology that describes what we’re now experiencing. So here’s a primer.

Precipitation comes in three forms:

• liquid (drizzle, rain – our usual PNW fare);
• freezing (freezing drizzle and freezing rain); and
• frozen (snow, snow grains, ice pellets/sleet, hail, snow pellets, ice crystals).

Snow begins in the clouds as water condenses into a tiny droplet. The droplet grows as more and more water vapor condenses onto its surface, then cold air freezes it into an ice crystal. As long as the air temperature remains at or below freezing the snow will reach the ground.

Freezing rain happens when it’s cold (below freezing) on the ground and in the upper atmosphere but there’s a warm air mass in the middle (temperature inversion). Snow formed up in the clouds melts when it passes through the warm layer then freezes when it hits the cold ground (roadways, trees, wires, shrubs, airplane wings) glazing them with ice. Freezing rain is notorious for causing travel problems on roadways, breaking tree limbs, and downing power lines.

Sleet also happens when snow melts as it travels through a warm layer of air, but because the warm air layer is thinner or higher, the thawed snow refreezes before it hits ground, so it looks like small hail and doesn’t glaze surfaces unless, as sometimes happens, it’s combined with freezing rain.

So I’ll carpe diem and catch up on household chores. Could be worse.

Having written about my lust for an e-book reader in a previous post, I thought I ought to devote a more substantial post to the merits of e-books in public libraries.  I have to say from the outset, that I am a great believer in e-books in public libraries and I sincerely believe that they should not be restricted to academic libraries (where they are pretty much commonplace).  However, is it really the case that public libraries must develop their e-book capability?

To a certain degree, e-books are already available in almost all public libraries in one form or another.  Many library authorities already have subscriptions to a number of online resources such as the Encyclopaedia Brittanica and the Dictionary of National Biography.  However, although these resources are available to read with an internet connection, they are not fully formed e-books.  Library users are not able to download the resources onto a personal e-reader.  Instead, these resources are available merely as reference materials that the user can refer to.  E-books are different as they can be downloaded and stored onto a digital storage device for the user’s convenience.  That said, these resources do provide library authorities with an indication as to how successful e-books are likely to be.  Once the general public are comfortable using these resources to access information rather than their paper counterparts, it is only a small step towards the standard e-book format.

Certainly it would appear that the foundations are in place.  Although many library authorities have seen an overall decline in book issues, library websites have seen a massive increase in usage.  This is in part due to the increased functionality of many of these websites.  Users can search catalogues, reserve books and refer to online resources through their authority’s portal.  As more users connect remotely to their library service, so grows the opportunity to take advantage of this shift in user’s habits.  Adding online services seems a natural progression given how the way library services are utilised has now changed.  And the biggest online development that could be offered to the library card holder is e-books.

E-books can play a very important role in bringing members of the public closer to their service.  This may sound a little odd.  After all, encouraging people to say at home and access services online would appear to isolate the user even further from their service.  However, for many members of the public, visiting the library is simply not possible.  Housebound borrowers are one group that could potentially benefit from the development of e-books.  Those that reside in rural areas that are miles away from their nearest library would also benefit from the availability of e-books.  This is not to say that the introduction of e-books would instantly solve the problem.  There are various other issues that need to be resolved beforehand.  The prohibitive cost of the necessary equipment for one thing (the Sony e-reader checks in at just under £200).  And not just the cost, computer illiteracy is another massive obstacle that needs to be overcome before e-books can really provide the answer.  Whilst e-books have potential, they are not the magic bullet……yet.

Despite the obvious obstacles, public libraries should seriously consider looking into their e-book provision.  Recent trends have indicated that demand for e-books is likely to grow over the coming years.  Sales of the Kindle and Sony’s reader (the two market leaders) have certainly suggested that this need will develop.  Sony recently revealed that it had sold 300,000 units of its reader since October 2006 and Amazon have struggled to keep up with the demand for the Kindle.  Although the figures aren’t exactly ground-breaking, there is clearly a growing demand for the technology.  Thankfully, many libraries are starting to realise the potential for e-books.  According to one survey:

OCLC’s eContent division has found that three-quarters of academic libraries and half of public libraries that responded intend to increase their collections of eBooks over the next year, in spite of the current fiscal climate. Nearly 300 libraries responded to the survey highlighting key issues in perceptions and usage of eBooks currently and going forward within the UK.

Although the survey indicates significant planned increases in the acquisition of eBooks for both academic and public libraries, other key themes born out of the survey findings provide valuable insights into what is driving usage and collection development in these two key sectors.

A massive 85% of public Libraries responding to the survey indicated that they were most interested in developing fiction eBook collections despite recent research that suggests eBooks are most often used for reference purposes.  Possibly this trend is being fuelled by the growth in take up and availability of eBook reading devices among public library users such as Amazon’s Kindle and Sony’s Reader.

Whilst I would dispute that fiction would be a wise area in which to develop e-book collections (I tend to believe that they lend themselves – excuse the pun – to non-fiction), it is encouraging that the potential is recognised.  And not just for e-books, eAudiobooks also have a great deal of potential, particularly in terms of those with disabilities or the housebound.  The key point, however, is that e-books will only ever complement other media formats.  As one commentator put it:

I think you will see a multiplicity of media in future, rather than one medium replacing another. If you look at the history of media in general, when a new medium comes along, it does not usually replace an earlier one; it just adds to it.

E-books will not replace standard books, they will simply be another format with which to share information.  I for one can never envisage the day where ebooks dominate the publishing industry to such an extent that paperbacks become obsolete.  But that doesn’t mean that they should be ignored.

Despite the obvious advantages of e-books, there are still some people who refuse to acknowledge the need for their availability.  A recent piece on ‘The Good Library Blog’ highlighted the difficulty that is faced by the need to develop the library service.  The first manifesto point on this blog provides an interesting comparison with the aforementioned article:

a) The library service is for people and its only purpose is to respond to their needs (currently it does not do this adequately)

I couldn’t agree more.  Libraries must respond to the needs of the people and the growth of e-books suggests that there is a growing need for the library service to cater for these people.  If they do not, they will not be providing the adequate service that the people demand.  There is great potential for e-books to bring members of the public closer to their library service.  It is up to public libraries to step up to the plate and ensure that the needs of the people are adequately met by their library service….and this includes the provision for downloadable e-books.

My roommate is on house arrest and I’ve been house-bound a lot lately so we’ve been around each other in too small of a space too much lately. I wish she knew that I know exactly how she feels. If anyone knows what it’s like to barely be able to leave the house for a month it’s me.

The final deciding question about your online business.
Have you written an Ode to it?

GOOD MORNING. One of my colleagues has just left for her summer holidays. A large family camping holiday: her husband, adult children and grandchildren are looking forward to a fortnight away from work. And I’ve loved chatting with them all over the past few days. Young and old alike have been equally excited … Auntie Ruth wonderfully and unashamedly so. And I’ve seen God in their shining faces. And I’ve prayed that they’ll have a ball, every one of them.

And I’m thinking of one of my parishioners, too. Largely housebound these days my friend enjoys holidays at home. A little summer house set in the midst of a pretty garden allows time and space for herself. Time to think on the joys of life. Time for a bit of reflection. Time to be thankful for the scent of roses, and of coffee, and of dew drops on grass. Other parishioners will benefit from a programme, organized by Churches working together in our area, called “Holidays at Home” … special visits, shared interests, meals prepared by someone else.

Jilly and I will head off later this month to a much loved spot in Southern Brittany. And whether you’re going to be travelling somewhere or “holidaying at home” – the point of both kinds of holy day is the same. We all need to take regular breathers in our lives. Time to take stock. Time set aside so that we can purely and simply be glad to be alive.

I’m unfailingly excited by the thought of holidays. And I’m rarely disappointed. I try not to set expectations too high and my wife and I set out consciously intending that the holiday will be a break, a rest and a change of scene for both of us. If we sleep for much of the time, that’s OK. If we break our self-imposed diet rules, that’s to be celebrated. The only rule that we aim to stick by on holidays is the taking time each day consciously to enjoy being alive.

It’s worth making the effort. Many will remember the genial and much loved Pope John XXIII.

Pope John was asked once whether he had time to take a holiday. The assumption being that the cares of Church and State would keep him much too busy for frivolities. Not a bit of it though. “I’m going next week”, replied John the XXIII. I keep telling myself, “I’m only the Pope!”

May many days be richly blessed for you this summer. Grace & peace for you.

PURE FM 107.8 -Thought for the Day – Sunday 17 August 2008

Apparently, there is a theory floating around that people who have exceptionally good looking avatars are not good looking in Real Life… Now, I know that SL gives people the chance to be who they want to be – people stuck in a wheelchair can fly, people who are housebound can socialise in bars and clubs, people who have (through no consequence of their own just circumstance) no real life to speak of can have great friends, good company, and popularity – but saying that ugly people have beautiful avies and vice-versa? I choose to dispute that. The reason I do is that of my closest closest SL friends, some I have met in RL and some I have seen RL photos of – and not one of them would I say was ugly in RL! (And I don’t just say that cuz they are my friends, that’s a genuine observation). Sure – Kezzy would break in half if she materialised in RL, and others are taller, smaller, or completely different genders to their RL person – but ugly? Hell No!

I can see why people would make this assumption though, SL gives you a chance to be the eternal 20 something (well, apart from those people with child avies *shudders*) or a wolf, a cat – pretty much anything you want to be (I myself have a dragon avie, a tiny giraffe avie, a wolf, and a tiny pink frog - tiny animal avies rock). Basically, if you can imagine it, you can do it – but in what sense does that mean that someone can walk around a group of people, point the hot avies out and say “yes that person is definitely ugly in RL”.. Surely that is a lack of confidence in themselves that drives them to make such assumptions of another person – Remember guys, there’s real people behind the avies, with real emotions, real feelings – And no one deserves to be made to feel like crap in any world.

Food for thought…

On another note, no more than a day from writing my last post, I was subjected to my own form of SL drama – nothing too serious, just a dispute that needed to be sorted out, but unfortunately the receiver of my discussion took everything as a personal attack and logged off, although now everything has been straightened out. One of the reasons I keep my chat logs is that I will be the first to admit if I step out of place or have said something wrong, and if the conversation is on a professional level (in this case, a Dublin skirmish) I share certain aspects of my chat to see if anything I have said could be taken in the wrong way. If it is then I am the first to apologise and sort it out, if not, then unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to help if the other person takes it to heart. *sighs* Drama Llamas, they will take over the grid!

Lady Kezzy

Dear Larcy

it’s strange how you can find me. you always do, don’t you?

I’m sitting here, post load-shedding, attempting productivity (did i tell you my productivity levels in this office have gone up oh, i don’t know 99% wah since you left? wah. hehe4) and not working and instead making a 1996 cd.

Yes, as in compilation tape but it’s a cd, told you. it’s 1996. told you told you told you.

Anyway, so I’m here, and doing it, furrowed brow and muffin in hand, and thinking i wish i could run the tracklist past you first before well, completing it.

I know you’d insist on Seether and throw in a bangles number because that’s the way we roll. hehe4. Then we’d talk about presentation, you’d throw in a smarm comment about getting someone else to do it, and we pretend it doesn’t happen and think about lunch instead.

I eat some more of the muffin and you’d laugh about it being 1996 and ask me if i have a blanket shirt on today.

I’d stab you in the eye with a spoon and you’d regale me with your recent story of how NOT to domestically succeed in the kitchen, without turning it into a nuclear warzone. (cf. a Jenkins recipe book – Cook Everything on High!)

You’d snark a comment about it all, and I’d laugh and regale you with how retarded I am in the dark.

If it were happening here, we’d both be freaking out, about tomorrow being the 17th april and the breeders and how it would be, how we would lean on each other and feel. Instead, I am working towards a massive seance type movement with you. Transcontinental Purge, we called it.

I finish my muffin, and begin burning said 1996ness cd, and then, it comes on iTunes.

Better Be Home Soon – The House.

It is then that I know, that with our MTV telepathy, boiling kettles, exploding appliances, wormy salads, dash of milk in cereal, 12s ahoy and matching cycles, that you are with me every day.

just tell me all the things you would change. i’ll wait for you to come around and spin my talk.

=)

love you larcy.

a. can i just not start on the finding-a-new-home-feeling-slapped-silly-right-now thing? great. thanks. more later. when i know. for sure. whatever the fuck happened to just keeping things simple, is beeeyond me. i wait, they wait, we wait. in the meantime, i’m planning a shindig. either way. it is indeed, the way forward.

b. can i just not start on the you’re-on-leave-come-into-the-office-to-find-things-fucked-with vibe-at-8am? k? kewl. just leaving it. it will happen again tomorrow. vomit.

c. can i not start on the spider-bite-from-hell on my left leg? great. grand. i’ll call when i’m in the emergency room, again, having an allergic reaction. again. kewl.

d. can i definitely start on how awesome it is to have all that stuff that’s been brewing around my head affirmed by you, and to be reminded by you that i’m not crazy and that it’s pretty much not my fucking fault. thank you. and highly, thank you for the 1am ciggie run.thank you thank you thank you. thank you also for finally saying “you know, sometimes, i just want to smack you in the head”, and for letting me say it back to you. moreover, i know even moreso, that you have my back, and i have yours. and it’s as we said: “there is a reason we grew up where we grew up”. screw anyone who thinks differently. arigato gozaimasu.

e. can i totally splurge on what an awesome day yesterday was? sunshine, friends, old ones, good ones, no sad ones, married ones, really tall ones, short ones, pregnant ones, not pregnant ones, loved ones, superfabulous ones, ones that talk too much, ones that don’t say much at all. shall we skip the ‘i fall off chairs easily’ incident? wahahah. safe to say, we had an awesome time. total. i fucking miss you mr and mrs curtis. it’s sad that you live halfway around the world. it’s not sad that when i see you, it’s like there’s been no time between us. cam loves that kangaroo, aka, kangawooooo.

f. when i look at my life on paper, it totally sucks. when i look up from the paper and look at everyone around me, i am the luckiest, richest person on the planet.

g. i miss you freakishly.

sotd: girl from mars – ash. see it here

(because well, i frigging am. nothing changes there.)

Do you remember the time I knew a girl from mars?
I don’t know if you knew that.
Oh we’d stay up late playing cards,
Henri winterman cigars.
Though she never told me her name,
I still love you, girl from mars.

Sitting in our dreamy days by the waters edge,
On a cool summers night.
Fireflies and the stars in the sky,
Gentle glowing light,
From your cigarette.
The breeze blowing softly on my face,
Reminds me of something else.
Something that in my memory has been replaced,
Suddenly it all comes back.
And as I look to the stars.

I remember the time I knew a girl from mars,
I dont know if you knew that.
Oh we’d stay up late playing cards,
Henri winterman cigars.
Though she never told me her name,
I still love you, girl from mars.

Surging through the darkness over the moonlight strand,
Electricity in the air.
Twisting all through the night on the terrace,
Now that summers here.
I know you are almost in love with me,
I can see it in your eyes.
Strange light shimmering over the sea tonight,
And it almost blows my mind
And as I look to the stars

I remember the time I knew a girl from mars,
I dont know if you knew that.
Oh we’d stay up late playing cards,
Henri winterman cigars.
Though she never told me her name,
I still love you, girl from mars.

Today I sleep in the chair by the window,
It felt as if youd returned.
I thought that you were standing over me,
When I woke there was no-one there.
I still love you, girl from..
Mars

Do you remember the time I knew a girl from mars?
I dont know if you knew that.
Oh wed stay up late playing cards,
Henri winterman cigars.
Though she never told me her name.

Do you remember the time I knew a girl from mars?
I dont know if you knew that.
Oh wed stay up late playing cards.
Henri winterman cigars.
And I still dream of you,
I still love you, girl from mars

So I am officially on break now.  I ran the kids to school and went back to bed.  This is my one day of sleeping all day.  I promised myself that I would not sleep my entire break away, but  I can tell it’s going to be a struggle.  Sleep is such sweet escape from all of life’s struggles.   I missed therapy, my last session with this guy, because for some reason I made my appt for a different time than usual and then forgot about it until it was too late to get there.  I don’t really feel too bad about it though, it kind of seems that we have gotten to the end of what he can do for me anyway.

I talked to Mr. A&J last night about a new plan for doing good things for myself since the therapy gig isn’t really doing much for me right now.  We decided that I would continue to put away the $15 a week, and spend it on doing something good for me.  Every week.  The list we came up with included acupuncture at the student clinic, drop in yoga,  going out to eat with a friend, doing a session of drop in therapy if I feel like I could use it, or going to a movie.  I am sure that there are other things that I could do for $15, but that’s what we came up with.  I think that that may be a bit more satisfying to my soul than sitting in a room re-hashing old bullshit.  I want to get on with my life already.  I am tired of living in the past.  Any other ideas anyone has are welcome, I am not the best at thinking up positive ways to spend my time or money.

I am not under any delusion that I am now recovered or healed or anything like that, but it seems like doing some things out in the real world might be good for me.  I tend to be reclusive and  anti-social when left to my own devices, so I think that leaving my hovel and being out in the world is probably a good thing, as uncomfortable as it sounds to me right now.

The weekend was good, we egg-hunted with my little A&Js and little cappie, and mama cappie and I got a chance to hang out a bit.  It was good to see her, I have missed her a lot lately.  We are both in a bit of a strange place right now, it seems, and we both like to stay home just a bit too much   But I love her to death, and hanging out with her feels more like productive therapy than what I pay money for.  She always knows how to help me put things in perspective in a way that still makes me feel good about myself.  Okay, enough gushing about how much I love my cappie, I don’t want to embarrass her or anything…

• i have just seen a lovely flat. pity about the landlord, who i would not pay money to, if my life depended on it. Let’s just say my alarm bells went off. Fuck. I just ran. like i had wings, and not the type you buy in stores. it saddens me that my natural instinct to smack him in the fucking youknowwhat was sublimated by my flight reflex. fight vs flight. i picked flight. fuck, there are some sickos out there in the world.
• the right home will come. the answer will come, it always does.
• i am purgatorying. i do love it though, this stream of consciousness living:
• (extended, annoying bullets intentional)
• Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again
• Anaesthetize me with your gossip and many random anecdotes
  And fill every hour with activity or ear candy
  Drop me off at intersections in any city metropolitan
  And keep me in this state
  And keep me purgatorying
  And sing me back to sleep
  This is far more than I had bargained for
  Start every week with a break-neck urgent design
  And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time
  Spending my fruits my purchases become my lifeline
  Please give my love to my family
  I’ll doubtfully be home at christmas time
  Don’t disturb me in this state
  Please leave me purgatorying
  I’ll be damned if i’m to wake
  This is far more than i am equipped for
  I’ve held you up like a deity
  Like you’re the sole owner of wings
  This unrequited tunnel vision
  And i wonder why i’ve not been writing
  Please keep me in this state
  Please keep me purgatorying
  Please rock me back to sleep
  This love is more than – than i have bargained for
  I’ll be damned if i’m to wake
  This is far more than i’m equipped for

That’s the only way that I can really explain it. Today, after napping much of the day away thanks to the flu and the fact that I had no class, I woke up sweaty and feeling off kilter. I went to sit on the stoop in the sunshine and have a stogie and try to get my head together. All of a sudden I was queasy in that I-want-to-get-high kind of way and my nose was practically itching for a bump. I started to get panicky for a bit, chain smoked a couple of Camels and tried to figure out why I was feeling that way.

I had to deal with more crap having to do with my Grandma’s probate this morning; I have been sick; I hadn’t taken my dose of Suboxone for the day; I wrote all that crap about doing good yesterday… whatever it was it was making me jones like a motherfucker. So I went in the kitchen and took my meds and waited for the gross ass orange pill to melt and my nerves to mellow out. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I started to feel better and made myself a cup of coffee.  I sat and soaked up the bits of sun that were making it through the clouds, drank my coffee, smoked too much, and felt grateful for the fact that I had survived those moments of freakout.

I realize that it was minor in the scheme of things, but for me it was a reminder to not let my guard down. I am still healing from my mistakes and I will be for a long time. I am not and will never be perfect, as hard as that is for me to swallow. The thing I keep trying to remind myself is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t expect other people to be, and no one expects me to be either.

I don’t know why I feel such a need to be good at everyfuckingthing, but I do. I accept and even adore the imperfections of my friends and loved ones, but in myself they are sources of great shame, especially when they are about my addiction. I do not like my inadequacies in general to be exposed, especially if I have not accepted them within myself already. I am trying to let go of this quality within myself but it is hard. I have got to stay on track with the life that I want to have, and it is hard for me to accept that it is going to be a lot of hard work for a long time.

I need to meditate on imperfection, I think. If I can accept my other imperfections I think that I would be better able to accept my occasional cravings and triggers for what they are; signals that I need something. What do they say… HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Today, I think it was a combo of those things and more. Sadness, sickness, loneliness for sure, and I hadn’t eaten yet. But I think it was also because I was alone for the second day in a row. I need to make sure that during my break (after tomorrow) I keep myself busy. Sitting around doing nothing is not good for me. I don’t do well without some structure. So I will try to make some plans at least with myself for things to do outside of the house. That seems to be the main factor. Staying home all day by myself does not make me want to clean or organize, as much as I wish it did. I will have to get out of the house and actually do some stuff to stimulate my mind and body.

I am reminded of the saying “Beauty is in the imperfections.” I think that will be my mantra for a while. I have got to get rid of this shame bullshit and move forward. I am doing well, and I deserve this life of good things and people that love me for who I am, faults and all. I love them, and I need to love myself at least that much. Not easy, but I have to if I want to truly be happy. I think I may be onto something here, I am sure that I will have more to say later…