“My bear is being born right now,” she whispered to me at nap time. “He’s three minutes old.”

“Really?  How do you know?”

Piper rolls her eyes at my question. “I’m his mother. His Build-A-Bear mother. I know.”

“So your Build-A-Bear is growing right now?” I’m actually trying to follow her logic. There may be a real question in there somewhere that I need to address.

“Only if I buy him will he actually be built and grown. It’s like a daughter. Like you grew me. With a computer.”

“I didn’t pick you out on a computer, P. I grew you in my body,” I explain.

“Right. But you chose me. I remember.”

“You remember?”

“Yes. I was on the shelf waiting to be born. Then you came in and chose me. It was exactly like at Build-A-Bear.”

Hmm. I remember it a bit differently, but I’m pretty sure arguing will be futile.

  ”Well, it’s complicated, really,” Piper began. “You need some water. Then you shove some hooves into the mama deer’s belly.  Then, you add the water. Voila.”

“So, it’s like those foam pellets that expand in the water and become toys?”

“Exactly,” she confirmed. “Stop laughing at me, Sissy!”

Sissy, who actually knows how deer have babies, couldn’t help herself.

My partner couldn’t resist, either. “What does the buck do?”

“He just waits on top of the mountain.  What else would he do?”

I’m certainly not going to answer that one.

P-MOTION: Dad, do they sometimes have to cut the mom and take the baby out?

ME: Yes.

P-MOTION: Why?

ME: Sometimes there are complications with the baby or the mom and they have to get the baby out right away.

P-MOTION: But they don’t have to cut all moms to get the baby out?

ME: No.

P-MOTION: So it probably doesn’t hurt when moms have babies but don’t have to get cut.

Me: No, I think it actually hurts quite a bit.

Especially with a pumpkin head like yours, I thought.

Perpetual Motion shortly after being pooped into this world.

And then there was a lull. I could hear little 5-year-old wheels turning inside that massive pumpkin head. I knew what was coming next.

P MOTION: So how do babies come out of moms if they aren’t cut out?

Oh, sweet Jesus. Still five minutes to the dropoff point. I was just praying for a deer to come sprinting out of a field and slam into the side of the truck to provide a distraction. But it didn’t happen. I was going to have to address this.

ME: Well… hey, which Toy Story movie is your favorite?

And by “address this” I mean change the subject. But it didn’t work.

P-MOTION: Dad, how do the babies get out?

ME: They just come out.

Smooth, right?

Then Slim whispered something and the two ruffians in the back started snickering.

P-MOTION: Dad, do they get pooped out?

Laughter erupted. There was no chance of recovery at this point, so I went with it.

ME: Yeah, they sort of get pooped out.

And then the boys lost it, and a constant barrage of “FTTTTHHHPPTTTT! Oooh, I had a big baby!” followed by uncontrollable giggles marked the rest of our drive to school.

You’re welcome, biology teachers.

*****

Slim will most likely write something about babies getting pooped out in the near future, but for now you can read another of his treasures over at Stuff Kids Write. I found this one when I was wading through his backpack. But be warned: it’s not for the squeamish.

Not that a discussion of babies getting pooped out is really for the squeamish, either.