Yes this is a story about a girl. Yes I do have feelings for her. However, even though I have feelings for her she has a boyfriend and although I have these feelings for her, having her in my life means a lot. She is actually the one person in my life I feel understands me in a way no one else does. I mean really freaky stuff. Like I can tell exactly what she is thinking sometimes and vice versa. Sometimes it feels like we are the same person. Which is a bigger deal than most realize because I am a self-branded weirdo and a dork.

However, the reason we have this great bond is also the reason why things didn’t work out. We are so much a like that we often clash in our weaknesses. These weaknesses include over sensitivity, paranoia from thinking too much, lack of self-confidence,  big temper, stubbornness, fear of being vulnerable,  and quick mood changes.

In the two years I have known this girl we have been in several fights. Mostly over miscommunication and lack of communication with one another…and I say stupid stuff sometimes I don’t mean.

About two months ago her and I got in a fight before I moved away to another state. I hadn’t seen her in a month. Last time we hung out I told her I was leaving. The week before I left I pretty much sat around hoping that people I knew in the area would contact me to meet up and say goodbye, but I guess I picked a bad time because only a few friends reached out to me…she wasn’t one of them. I was disappointed in the fact she didn’t mention wanting to see me before I left even though we were still texting each other on a regular basis.  So I decided to suck it up and text her to arrange a get together on my last day to do anything.

She was irritated with me for some reason about waiting until the last minute but I had always asked her to do things with me at the last minute and she never put up a fuss before. After a failed attempt at arranging something I got a goodbye speech that I felt was very cold. At first I did well with keeping calm, but after the cold goodbye text I lost it. We got in an emotional discussion where she tried to deny that she was being hurtful to me and I kept accusing her. This lead to me saying that she didn’t care about our friendship and I didn’t want to see her, then wished her goodbye. She then said that I just threw away our friendship…that was the last I heard from her.

Two months later I decided to email her on Christmas Eve. Just giving an apology for my overreaction. I told her I would continue to respect her decision to not be friends, then wished her a Merry Christmas and said I will miss her…she didn’t react well. To make a long story short she basically said it was my decision not to be friends, that my emotional instability was like poison, and I pushed her away when all she did was try to be my friend.

The thing is that I never viewed myself as a person that pushed her away. Sure I didn’t speak to her a few times when we fought, but she did the same thing as me. I tried desperately to be there for her as much as I could. As I mentioned in my opening post it’s hard for me to reveal everything to someone, no matter how close I am to them. On top of that I have to make sure that I don’t let my feelings for her jeopardize our friendship. It was a lot to juggle and I did the best I could. So have I been able to be completely open with her all the time? No. But I never tried to push her away.

I tried so desperately to be there for her in every other way possible. I was always there when she needed a favor, I held her in my arms when she emotionally broke down and started crying in public, bought her sick supplies when her boyfriend never showed up when she got the flu, I would listen to her whenever she needed to tell me something and take her out to cheesy mexican restaurants to cheer her up. But now I feel like all these things I did went unappreciated and that I wasted my time. I never wanted anything else in return but a friend who cares about me.

Losing her really hurts. I am doing my best to avoid anything that reminds me of her and dated/ hung out as friends with other girls since then but nothing seems to help. I feel like I have a disease that won’t let me get her out of my head.

7 months before that fight I didn’t lose my temper on her at all. I tried so hard to not get in a fight with her or avoid anything that would put us in a fight. I just can’t handle when people I care about get upset with me or hurt my feelings. I grew up with a mother who would emotionally abuse me at times and drag me into her grudges with other people. The environment was very hard to live in most of the time and effected me more than I realize. I just wish I could make this girl understand my past and see why I am the way I am.

I am mad I lost my temper, but I can’t say that I regret my decision to not see her. The last time we hung out was one of the happiest moments with her. If I saw her and walked away on a bad note I would probably be in worse shape.  A part of me wants to explain myself to her and practically beg her to come back in my life. But she told me in that last email to go away. On top of that my dad explained to me once that if you love someone and its not working out then you have to walk away. So I will stay away.

I miss her though. If things had been different between us I would have found a way to stay with her, no matter what I needed to sacrifice. But this is the reality. Maybe someday I will be able to find a person that will get me like she did. Until then I have three goals I want to accomplish in 2012.

1)  Find a new job

2) Run a triathlon

3) Write at least 150 posts in this blog

I am going to try to keep my focus on these goals.

Until next time…