Old English Christmas carols. Homemade cinnamon rolls and coffee. Hugs from good friends. A ticket home for Christmas. Stained-glass. Christmas trees. Knowing in my soul that all is well. A wonderful family to spend Thanksgiving with. Homemade Christmas presents. Knitting scarves. A good book. The awareness that I am loved deeply.

What are you thankful for?

-Carey

So I feel like almost everyone I know has a drug of choice. You know, something that just takes you away and lets you forget your problems. For some people it’s music, others actual drugs. Mine: Hugs. Not the kind you get when you’re saying goodbye to an acquaintance. You know, those kinds that are like hugging someone who smells really bad. You usually get those out of formality and it’s become part of modern culture to hug as you say hello or goodbye. I’m not interested in those. I want a good solid hug. The kind that makes you feel safe, as if nothing in the world could harm you because you are wrapped around this other person.

Anyways, I bring this up because I realized that I could *really* use a good hug. The lack of human contact is troubling to me. I would go out with a sign for free hugs only I’m sure everyone would stare at me funny or not get their hug because I might have Swine Flu.

The last person I hugged was a friend. She was cold.

I need to get my hug fix.

imagine you have something delicate, something beautiful . . . say a nice vase.  a perfect specimen of fine craftsmanship, and through some foul happening this vase obtains a small crack.  no big deal, a little super glue and all is well.  it still holds water, therefore the flowers are still fed.

i am NOT talking about that kind of vessel or that kind of minuscule crack.  i’m talking broken . . . like full on shattered into a thousand million pieces.  this is us.  this is our society, our culture.  i am reminded of this shattered condition when i see this or read this.

so many cultures, worldwide, find reasons to gather themselves together for a common purpose.  it could be a celebration of the phases of the moon or the changing of the seasons.  or maybe a new life is being welcomed with eager arms or an old one kissed farewell.  there are countless reasons to come together for a common purpose as a family,  community or nation.  in fact, we continually create new ones because we love the senses that are awakened during such times.  this hunger for community is primal.

that being said . . . what purpose is it that we find ourselves gathered together every fourth friday of november?  why is it that throngs of people hang out together for hours upon hours, outside, and in various climate conditions?  not for the sole pleasure of “being together” i can assure you of that.  it is, of course, to buy more plastic crap at “ridiculously low prices”!  what else did you expect from a consumer society such as our own?  as we all know, consumerism is the equation of personal happiness with consumption and the purchase of material possessions.  so, do we wait in line because we think we fill find some happiness in that new plasma-rific television that doesn’t even need a remote control because it reads our thoughts?  or maybe we have that voice in our heads telling us that if want to please our loved ones . . . if we REALLY want to express our deep-felt love and appreciation and bring them some “happiness” we should buy them that perfect gift that we can’t afford.  but wait, we CAN afford it because it’s $200 off during the black friday doorbuster sale!

the fracture is not in what we are doing, but what is driving us.  what brought us to this point?  what chain of events have diluted and polluted the construct of love in our minds?  did your father abuse your mother because his father did the same to him and/or his mother?  (what effect is without a cause?)  how do we begin the daunting task of gathering all the shattered pieces and making them whole again?

i know, i’m awfully good at asking questions and i definitely don’t have all the answers. but i think we might have a chance if we begin small and we begin united, one tiny shard at a time.  we can teach each-other how to love again.  and before you know it, we’ll look back and realized we’ve created something beautiful.

in regards to your gift giving dilemma.  go ahead and buy some.  gifts aren’t evil.  buying “things” is not wrong.   but this holiday season, if you really want to show your loved ones that you care . . . grab them in your arms and hug them with all you’ve got.  i’m not talking about a half-hearted hug with limp arms or the infamous double pat.  REALLY hug them.  close your eyes and center yourself, let your love for that person just consume you for a few moments.  this kind of hug will not soon be forgotten and is crazy contagious.

if you need any pointers you can ask my sister-in-law, annette.  she is the master of the five minute hug.

final note:  there is a wonderful alternative to black friday called “buy nothing day” where you do just that.  my wife has already committed to going shopping today with her mom, sister and sister-in-law.  *gasp!*  but, starting next year we are joining this “moratorium on consumer spending”.  i think it’s a fantastic idea and a great way to challenge ourselves.  some people just don’t buy anything for 24 hours. (a great starting point) while others take it further and shut off their lights, televisions and other nonessential appliances.  some even park their cars, turn off their phones and log off of their computers for the day.  why not give it a try?

Será que tudo mudou? Será que todo mundo mudou? Será que aconteceu alguma coisa?
Não sei.
Mas eu acho que estou começando a entender o que está me deixando ‘triste’, digamos assim.
Não sei porque, mas estou percebendo que o círculo social que convivo hoje em dia, é um pouco resistente à demonstração de sentimentos. O que eu quero dizer com isso? Quero dizer que as pessoas com quem convivo hoje em dia tem mais dificuldade de expressar o que sentem.
Não sei ao certo o que ocasiona esse tipo de bloqueio. Mas percebo que as pessoas tem uma tremenda dificuldade de falar e/ou expressar o que sentem pelos seus amigos, por exemplo.
Cara, não sei se eu sou diferente ou se sou retardado, mas eu sempre fui assim. Quando gosto, gosto de verdade. Sendo relacionado a amigos e/ou namoro.
E eu acho que o principal motivo da minha ‘tristeza’ repentina e sem motivos é esse: dificuldade de demonstrar afeto.
Mas por que isso? Será por que as pessoas tem dificuldade de demonstrar afeto.
Só sei que isso está me deixando mais fechado.

E isso é ruim. =/

Recebo uma SMS completamente aleatória durante a madrugada.
Uma hora depois vejo um comentário dela sobre a carta que escrevi.
Na manhã de hoje pergunto o que ela quis dizer com a SMS e ela me responde que não era nada de importante.

É.

–
Florence And The Machine – Rabbit Heart (Rase It Up)

Is it revelation or illumination? Emerging or Emergent?

Whatever you’re talking about, the reformers are sure to correct your wording. Indeed, as all good reformers know, technical precision in theological terminology is in fact one of the fruits of the Spirit and proof of God’s ongoing sanctification in one’s life.

This is a truth worthy of remembrance: The ultimate achievement for any reformer is to write an entire book on one word. This is really why everyone is so angry with N.T. Wright – he stole our thunder.

As a case in point for this installment of Stuff Reformers Like, I present the following from my good friend, Chad Damewood:

Thanks, Chad! Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Remember, as you dig into your grossly over-apportioned feasts today, that you are but a worm saved by grace and that all you have is a gift from a great and awesome God. Then give your kid a hug because God does the same to us.

Parking lot lights, busy gray bodies, and those polyester shoulders can’t mean anything to me anymore. It was a first, sure, but he didn’t know your name. He called you something else. So it shouldn’t mean anything. Not those shoulders, not that feeling. 

So what if it felt nice? So what if it made you so happy your heart could have danced with the stars? You have to put that picture down, or burn it so you won’t be tempted to put it up again. That way you can’t ever think that way again. 

He’s with her, she’s with him. They’re as happy as can be. And if I had only known that when it happened, I wouldn’t have leaned in that far, or let myself get too happy. If I had paid attention to how he had drawn me in closer, with my name–not my name, not my name–I wouldn’t have thought it to be that great. Not if I knew why he had been so happy. 

And if  I had paid any attention to his face, the other drummer. The way he reminded the first that my name was Rachel, the way he kept looking at me anxiously. If I had heeded any of his warnings, the memory wouldn’t have been soured. There wouldn’t have been a memory to begin with.

I can’t listen to it anymore, the song. And it was all yellow. Look at the stars, look how they shine for you. Not again. I just think of it when I hear it. The book is still open on my piano, waiting for me to finish the song. It’s over. I don’t want to play it ever again. My limbs just grow weary and sick and deceived. I have to get up. I can’t ever finish it. Such a shame. It was a beautiful song.

And the wristband that I tossed away in a box, a time capsule. Twenty years from now, I told myself that night, I’ll look back on this. I didn’t think about what a disaster it could turn out to be. Didn’t think it was anything but genuine. The wristband still sits there, alone, gathering dust. At least I won’t see it for a while. Until I’ve moved fully past it. Until I’ve reached another milestone.

You don’t care, you don’t care, I tell myself. And I know that much is true. I just care about how much of myself I put into that one memory, only to slam it against the wall. I just care about how happy I was and how I can’t remember it anymore without wanting to get sick. That is why I care.

I know that much to be true.

So this one is a timely gimme of a post. And it’s cliche. But, hey, it’s the night before Thanksgiving, and I’m getting ready to move my cubicle. Plus I get to wake up at the bald crack of dawn to drive to San Antonio. You’ll pardon me if I take the easy way out.

This is how I really feel, both in-game and out.

Anyways, happy Thanksgiving to you all, or, in the spirit of retail corporate America, happy mid-Hallanksmas season. (You know, that mash up of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas that we’re all so used to seeing at the mall.)

If there’s one thing that real life has taught me, it’s that you gotta be thankful for the little things. Whether it’s knowing where you left your keys or finding out that, yes, you do have two more double-A batteries, innocuous events can really make your day. I’d go on and on gushing about e-mails that changed my life or meeting “the one” when I was least expecting it, but most of you will be putting up with that tomorrow at dinner.

So let’s talk about the little things that make a game. Whether it’s properly adjusted drop rates or a well-designed control mechanism, small things can really make all the difference. Does anyone remember when World of Warcraft started up and the server queues that came with it? We all thought we’d won the lotto when the lines finally died down and we got to play the actually game. Ah, memories…

Now, don’t get me wrong: I actually cannot hold popularity against anyone. I’m just not hip enough. But that’s one of those irking qualities of MMOs that sometimes cause me to question why I bother. But although we’ve all felt that kind of frustration with everything from armor that won’t drop to body campers who won’t log, we all can be thankful for one thing–group of people actually.

Every game has a dedicated team of developers whose job is to make sure that problems are fleeting. So on this Thanksgiving Eve, I’m giving a big shout out to the devs of the gaming world. You guys make it possible, and you deserve some props.

…and now that I’ve sucked up, can I get some free stuff? I kid.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and a continued merry Hallanksmas season.

Reflection on last week: (Controlling)
I’ve realized I am more controlling than I feel.  I don’t like irrelevancy, and I’m a bit of a perfectionist.  One of my pet peeves is when someone comments something irrelevant on one of my facebook statuses, especially if the offending comment is only pertinent to the commenter and myself.  Please don’t ask me if we have a quiz this week by commenting on my status: “I love chocolate chip cookies”….  I digress.  At any rate, I have also noticed the level of perfectionism in myself.  Even in personal messages to friends, I don’t write linearly.  I’m constantly going back, revising, inserting, spell-checking, rearranging…  I realize that I do this out of a desire for accuracy – a form of honesty.  I’m trying to convey myself correctly so that I can be understood the way I want to be.  It bothers me when I see something I’ve written in the past and it’s unclear.

This week: Hugging

I feel like this topic is extremely appropriate for me.  I’ve never been very affectionate, but often wished I were.  I’m not much of a flirt, and sometimes I pride myself on that, but usually I envy the ability of some girls to just fluidly hug/tickle/poke anyone and everyone without it being a big deal.  I learn to be affectionate with some friends, and in relationships I can be overly affectionate (finally someone I have license to be cuddly with! hug now!)…

The book advises to ask for hugs.  I’m going to start doing that.  Thanksgiving is coming up, which means I’ll be surrounded by family.  It’s unusually difficult for me to be affectionate with family, so I’ll have to push my comfort zone I guess.  I’m not really sure why it’s so hard to just hug my mom or whoever, but the desire for a hug never seems to be greater than my distaste for familial affection.  Next week, at school, I think this will be easier.  I’ve established a pretty whimsical personality, so asking people to hug me because “I’m learning how” will be fun.

I like this idea of hugs making a person more visible.  Sometimes we resort to more harmful things to make ourselves visible, to outline ourselves, our bodies… find our boundaries.  Hugs have the advantage of making ourselves visible in the social world – to other people.  I know writing this blog and starting good back and forth commenting helps me.

(Living Juicy is by Sark)

‘When you refuse me
You confuse me..’

–
Maroon 5 – Not Coming Home

I once read that blessings are a hug from God and counting your blessings is giving God a hug back. I had a challenge earlier this month to daily write one thing that I am thankful for until Thanksgiving day arrived.   I have been faithful to that challenge but once I started writing them I began thinking of so many things, so I decided to add to my daily list by listing thirty random things.  Here we go:

1. baby squirrels- Apparently these little guys are quite the popular internet search…and because I posted one little photo of a cute little baby squirrel in February, my blog gets a great number of hits daily just to look at my little squirrel. It is a great confidence booster when I look at my visitor numbers… I’m thankful that they help keep my blog alive.  I will definitely be embarrassed if I find out that “Baby Squirrel” is some rapper’s name or something like that
2. creativity- I’m a person who loves to create…. whether it be a story or a sculpted caricature of someone….It is what I love to do… I’m thankful for a creative Creator and amazed at what He created
3. gloves- don’t have to touch things that are yucky if I don’t want….
4. crocs- the heavenly shoe of the wide-footed human like me… cavemen would have loved them…
5. my parents-  by example they taught me how to work through arguments, dance, laugh, love each other and love God and church….
6. my husband- he makes me laugh, is a great dad, incredibly dependable and is just an all around great husband…
7. my children- such a great gift to be called “Mom”… they bring an unexpected joy… even when they are old enough to roll their eyes at you.
8. bug spray- genius invention…. Take that, Mr. Mosquito!
9. grace- thankful that I don’t get what I deserve…. because I can never do enough to get the good portion of deserving  all by myself….
10. the alphabet- abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz…. may be a lot of them but thankful there are no ~ or ` or other symbols over the tops of them….
11. medicine- had I been living 2000 years ago, I can imagine that without medicine I probably would have been one on the side of the road in need of healing when Christ walked by
12. health- thankful that, though I should focus more on taking care of myself (I see a New Year’s resolution here) I can walk, talk, and do most anything I want to do because I have good health
13. my home- I’ll confess…. there are times when I wish I had a bigger yard or one more bedroom or a live in maid, but I am blessed to have what I have and know it
14. my co-workers- not too many have co-workers that feel like family…. I do and am thankful
15. my family- I’ve already mentioned my parents so I’m looking at the other ones that I call family….no siblings but cousins, aunts and uncles… brothers and sisters-in- law, father and mother-in-law(deceased- but wonderfully remembered), a wonderful step mother-in-law…. so many great memories and wonderful little bundles of precious baby cousins
16. my friends- some to laugh with, some to weep with, some both,  some who have passed in and out of my life, all have a special place in my heart
17. waterfalls- not sure why they are so beautiful but it regardless of their size…. they are wonderful to enjoy
18. cute animals-baby squirrels aren’t the only little things that are so cute… puppies, kittens, baby rabbits, baby bears, etc… well, except baby narwhals
19. laughter- not at the expense of others but wholesome laughter might just bring the world together
20. sense of humor- glad I have one, even if I am the only one who thinks I’m funny
21. those who have sacrificed- sometimes I wonder why I live where I live…. how did I get to be so blessed?  Then I think about it …. not just happenstance that we live the way we do… some fought against much so we can have much freedom
22. antibacterial items- can you imagine surgery without it??   that’s what I’m talking about
23. the beauty of seasons- all goes back to creativity… I love red/orange leaves and the bright gray sky just before a good snow..and a loaded tree of cherry blossoms…. and the heat of sun on the concrete in the summer
24. clay- maybe you have to be me to be thankful for it but it provides me with hours of entertainment
25. computers- can’t imagine having to type this blog on a typewriter or by hand…. also am thankful that they have gotten smaller and smarter
26. spices-cinnamon, garlic, salt, pepper…… just to name a few ……without them it would just be sugar toast for breakfast, bread with spaghetti….you get the picture
27. chocolate-enough said
28. peanuts- peanuts make peanut butter…. protein and yummy
29. fruit-something good for you and tastes good too…. bananas, fuji apples, grapes, kiwi, raisins, watermelon, actually all melons, strawberries, cherries(my personal favorite)….. shall I go on?
30. A Loving God- anyone who makes a way for you to get to them must love you a lot…. thankful that the Creator of all did that for me…. and for you…. so when I am thankful, that is who gets my thanks… without the Creator and his grace, all of the other things are pointless.

The challenge is on…. can you list thirty???

I had 35 messages on my voicemail this morning. About a month ago, a former employee stopped in my office to see me. She told me how much she missed the library, how she loves the library and how she’d love to work at the library again. I handed her a volunteer application and said, when you’re ready…come see me. She came in the next day, application filled out.

In the past 3 weeks, I’ve been able to dig out because of her. She makes my phone calls, she helps schedule orientations and interviews, she mails, she makes badges, she’s AWESOME and so pleasant and positive.

Have you ever felt overwhelmed you just sat at your desk and wondered where to start? Did you move papers from one pile to another pile? Check your email, look at your desk and pile them again? This morning, I wrote out instructions on a piece of paper on how she can help me with my phone messages, it was only a matter of minutes before that paper was swallowed up by my piles! I couldn’t find it. We laughed as I wrote out the instructions again…and believe it or not, while she worked with my phone messages and I went through the piles of paper on my desk, I never did find it!

As I sorted and organized she took down all my phone messages and I was able to dig out. This pile needed faxed, this pile needed stapled, this piled needed mailed. These applications needed their handbooks agreements, these applications needed filed….on and on…

After 2 hours, I felt a huge burden had been lifted. The volunteer and I looked at each other smiling. Should I shake her hand? Was just a “Thanks” good enough? I didn’t care. I grabbed her and hugged her and said “Thank You Thank You Thank You!!! I’m so glad you were here to help me today!”

She said, “You’re welcome! You really needed me today! It was fun! I’ll see you next Tuesday and we’ll do it again!” 

Believe it or not, I bet next Tuesday may be more of the same! It was a good day for me today! I hope your days are just as good as this one was!

Christian “Taliban”, ohh my whatever

According to Stuff Christians Like
——8<————
Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy.

Warning this video totally sucks

More
——>8————-

Et fuck. Comme prévu, j’ai rien eu le temps de faire ces dernieres semaines. Prenez le manuscrit, il a beau être fini il est toujours truffé de fautes d’orthographes. L’épave de ma Xbox jonche toujours le sol en attendant que je trouve un carton pour la filer au mec d’UPS. Quant au mémoire, et malgré les hurlements de la haute autorité parentale, c’est toujours le point mort. D’ailleurs la dernière fois que je suis passé à l’école j’ai failli attendre la fin du cours de ma directrice de master pour lui dire que j’étais encore vivant. La bonne blague. Tain. Le pire dans tout ça c’est que j’ai même pas l’impression de bosser tant que ça. Vous me direz, tout ça est parfaitement normal. Puis là, ce week-end, j’ai réalisé un truc. Aujourd’hui, c’est le dernier lundi que je passe sur Paris d’ici l’année prochaine.

Ouais bon dit comme ça, ça n’a l’air de rien. Mais du coup je suis incapable de me projeter avant janvier. Vendredi matin je rentre sur Lyon et à partir de là, que ce soit boulot, scolairement, artistiquement, socialement, tout est repoussé. Le pire c’est de lutter pour courir après la bande de gens qui vont atrocement me manquer pendant mes espèces de grandes vacances d’hiver. Sans parler des raclures de fourbes qui ne seront même plus là au printemps, entre les stages à l’étranger et whatever. Cinq semaines en vadrouille et je panique déjà. Je suis tellement traumatisé à l’idée de louper quoi que ce soit que c’est à se demander comment je peux faire pour dormir. Toutes ces heures où la planète tourne sans moi. Rien que d’y penser j’ai des débuts de vertige. Un jour je finirai bien par parler de tous ces soucis d’égocentrisme à un psy, mais bon, en attendant, j’ai encore mon blog.

Ah oui d’ailleurs, bonjour l’organisation pour continuer à raconter n’importe quoi pendant que je serai à New-York. Contre toute attente j’envisage plus que sincèrement de m’offrir un petit netbook des familles, que ce soit pour commencer mon nouveau manuscrit dans l’avion, twitter n’importe quoi en taxant les wifis des Starbucks ou surtout mettre à jour la machine bloguesque. J’ai hâte de faire du Photoshop sur un douze pouces. A mon niveau de geek, ça reste vivre dangereusement. Enfin c’était ça ou pleurer ma misère à mon hôte pour checker mes mails. J’ai pas d’argent mais j’ai un minimum de dignité. Puis je pourrai surtout cocher une case sur la longue listes des trucs à faire avant de mourir, entre le plan à trois avec les sœurs Olsen et la figuration dans Bad Boys III, à savoir écrire quelques pages de roman sur un banc à Central Park.

Tout ça pour dire que 2009 sur Paris, c’est fini pour moi. Y’aura des regrets, des embrassades et ptête un œil humide ou deux. Dans tous les cas je devrais repartir avec une deg’ attitude. Ville de merde tiens, quand j’y vais je fais la gueule, quand j’en pars je fais la gueule.

A demain, où on parlera presque de politique.

Woke up crabby yesterday. So did she. It was my day off so I should have been happy but I wasn’t. I haven’t had PMS for a long time but it felt like that. I didn’t say one word to her. Why am I always the first to say good morning? She never is. She went on the computer and I cleaned the bathrooms. She had left all the towels and her clothes laying on the floor so I gathered them all up and threw them on the floor in the middle of her room. Usually she yells if she sees me going into her room but this time she didn’t. She ran out to catch the bus at 0700 when I was in the other bathroom. Didn’t even say good bye. No good morning; no goodbye. I miss the old Miss Gem.

I miss how she used to wait up for me when I was out late with friends. I’d come in at 10 or so, L would be asleep, but she would come running into the kitchen to greet me and I would go into her room with her and we’d lay down on the be and I’d ask her about her day or tell her about mine. I miss the hugs she used to crave from us. I miss how no matter where I was, there she’d be. One time I went down in the basement to put clothes in the wash and I can still hear her frightened voice calling for me because she didn’t know where I was. I was irritated at the time but now I would run upstairs and lift her into my arms and never let her go.

Just finished giving Munchkin his bedtime feed. His tummy is a little upset these days so he was having a little cry to himself.
Then he did something so beautiful, so wonderous, so special. He put his little baby arms around my neck for a cuddle. He snuggled right in, stopped crying and fell asleep.

My heart has just melted like a scoop of mint sorbet on a hot august afternoon but oh, twice as sweet.

I was watching “Love Actually” the other night and when the opening scene came on, I realized how true (and appropriate) it was for my blog. So I searched and searched for it on YouTube and finally found it. I apologize for the shotty quality of the video, but the words and message are the most important part.

Check out XLR8R’s post about the December TURRBOTAX® featuring Dave Q (Thursday, December 3rd) RIGHT HERE.

Full info and Facebook invite HERE if you haven’t RSVPeed.

- Contakt -