Now I have never been much of an exhibitionist, as a rule I mean, obviously that has changed to an extent since I became Claire’s sub/boy/sex object, today being a case in point.

Picture the scene (actually don’t lol) we had invested in some semi rigid anal beads a while back and it turned out that today was the day they were to be used.

Not that Claire was going to use them on me, no no no, I was going to use them on me, on my back, on the floor (although I had a rather warm and comfy throw to lay on) while Claire sat back all comfy on the sofa and watched me.

So away I went, inserted said beads into myself (anally) and laid there for Claire’s amusement, humiliating ? yes,  me writhing round the floor with one hand on the beads ensuring they stayed deep within me and my other hand by my mouth (well I was sucking my thumb too at the time, I need the comfort it brings given my embarrassment lol)

After Claire had been amused enough I was allowed to remove them, thankfully, although my humiliation continued as I then had to get on all 4s and wank for her (didn’t use my wanking mat just kneeled on the throw) all the while Claire sat back and just watched.

Still, I must have put on a good show as I got the reward of pleasuring her orally afterwards, which, as ever, was amazing 

So today I spent time with Mike and my essay in the library at university, and it was nice.  The library was eerily quiet, I made up some stuff about my vocational development to date, and we had conversations.  Things are more or less back to normal now, with the easy camaraderie, jokes and giving me a lift home (which ended up in him finally meeting – waving to her from the car, anyway – my mother).  I’m seeing him tomorrow night to watch The Last Broadcast with his wife and sister-in-law, and I feel so blessed to have a friend who makes effort to include me and feels that he can do these things.

We spoke about the love triangle, or about aspects of it.  He said that he is past his obsession now, because nothing can ever happen, we’ve had some space (although it’s only been 5 days) and because she seems to be ruled by her husband.  Mike and I agree that we would never want to be in a relationship where we feel we have to answer to the other person, that we are sometimes subservient and that the other person is the boss.  It’s all a bit strange, because our friend doesn’t seem particularly subservient and is quite a sparky person, and yet she seems to actively toe the line when it comes to her husband’s paranoia (albeit maybe correct) about her new male friends at university.  She has been forbidden from coming to my house party at the beginning of January, because “she’s not a student” (although technically, she is), and yesterday when I was in Cabot Circus with Davina and Deena, I found out she was popping down so I would have liked to say hello, but as she was with her husband it wasn’t going to happen.  I’m glad that Mike says he is doing better – I’m not sure I believe him completely as it seems a bit premature to me, but it’s nice to hear him sound positive about it.

I wish I could say the same about me.  It’s been 5 years since I really fell in love hard for someone like this, and I feel like I’ve come so far since then, I’m a completely different person… and yet, I’m obviously not. Okay, I’m handling things again, and I’m not doing any worse than I was before either – our friendship is more or less back to normal, I’m more happy than I am sad (well, I get more wistful and wanting than really sad) because I made such a good friend, but sometimes I wish that I had a confidant like he does (which is me).  A lot of my friends I know don’t quite understand how I could want someone who is married, nor how the three of us ended up in this tangle of feelings – they just see it as entirely inappropriate, and while they aren’t necessarily wrong, it’s too simplistic a view. Mike, V and I – we’re all people with hearts and feelings and responsibilities to our own families, and just because they may be married doesn’t change the fact that they are still humans full of emotions.  Out of my friends who do understand this, I don’t get the opportunity to see them very often (maybe once every couple of weeks for an hour or so).  It’s difficult.

Mike can tell me about his infatuation (or as of today, conquering of) and explain his feelings to me. He knows that he can trust me, that I won’t judge him and that I will be his friend no matter what.  I know that I can tell Mike about my feelings for him, and that he won’t run away and he will try to understand. But it’s different – apart from the fact that it still twinges that Mike would never want me in that way, I feel like I am humbling or almost humiliating myself to explain the way that I feel and the feelings that I have to him.  It’s brave of us to cope with this, and sometimes I think we overestimate our own strength, but ultimately he’s not confessing his feelings to the person he’s feeling them for (although the three of us are all clear about who likes who – again, it’s messy).  I’m his best friend and his shoulder, and I feel privileged.  I think we’ll always be close, but it’s slightly different for me.  I wish there was someone (and by that I mean a physical someone here, I appreciate all of you guys taking the time to read this and your comments and encouragement on twitter etc.!) to whom I could pour this all out and not feel judged or told that I should move on or get over it, because they are married and have children.  I already know this, and I think I am more or less strong enough not to act on my feelings – that’s the saving grace of being able to talk to Mike about my feelings for him and he is able to listen and support me as a best friend.  But sometimes, just to have someone a little less in the thick of it than the direct object of my crush would be nice!  A confidant.

As required by all Mistresses training me, i am posting a new blog describing my recent punishment. i am so horny while wearing the KTB chastity again that i was forced to call another phone sex operator to punish and humiliate me! Mistress Ruth from PSB Associates laughingly perused this blog and took it upon Herself to punish me with the title of this blog! Yes, i was required to get the paddle and repeatedly spank myself while jacking off in the KTB!

There have been so many hits to this blog recently and now so many new Mistresses and others involved in this training that i am deeply embarrassed as i know so many are now witnessing this humiliation. Mistress Ruth required that i list the website and phone number i called for this self humiliation. Mistress Ruth is on phonesexmistress.com @ 888-847-8970. She also required that i send pictures in to their website to be posted for my humiliation! i am still cocklocked in the KTB device and masturbating uncontrollably for the rest of the day! i am logged in on Niteflirt awaiting punishment calls this evening!

i begged and pleaded to be allowed to masturbate in the Kali’s Teeth Bracelet and i was allowed  this wonderful time. Except i had to call a Mistress with LDW Group, Empress Simone, and get much more “exposed” than i ever dreamed! i am such a filthy chronic masturbator that i never dreamed i would end up on the internet in this fashion! i was penis gagged, butt plugged, collared, whipped and VERY humiliated. i know others that know me are watching this blog and laughing heartily at my humiliation. When they do, i just look down submissively and cringe inside. Empress Simone has now taken over this humiliation journey and wait for further instruction!

I was humiliated this morning by my drunk foreigner boss who doesn’t have an inkling of how Filipino humor works in these parts. I will not go into details anymore so as not to glorify his misdemeanor. All I can say is that he made me experience one of the most embarrasing moments of my adult life. For one, I didn’t react, I didn’t retaliate (that’s just not me, I promise). Secondly, it was done right in front of my officemates who didn’t deserve to see a shameless display of infantility and sugar-coated “chivalry”. And third, I should’ve left abruptly afterwards. But I didn’t. Because I tried to avoid another scene. And some civil voice inside my head told me not to leave. Because if I did, that would’ve marked him as an instant villain, a party grinch, a grouchy clod. And in all honesty, I really didn’t want to put this antagonist in a bad light amongst people who shouldn’t look down on him (good grief, I’m a nice chap after all). So I didn’t, much to my chagrin.

I shouldn’t have accepted that drinking invitation in the first place. So shame on me. But are we given a glimpse of what’s about to happen to us if we made this or that choice?

Shame on him for having bruised my pride. As far as I’m concerned (and as far as the recipient of my innocuous raillery is concerned), I did nothing wrong. People I work with see me as a comic relief (a new guise for me) to everyday work worries. It’s disturbing at times, especially that I’m much of a chronicler. A jester I am not (a walking pile of sarcasm maybe, LOL!). I find it enjoyable, nevertheless. In the first place, as a chronic depressive, I do need to have an atmosphere of fun. I just can’t stand it that people around me are being dead stiff toward each other, throwing back blank glances and exchanging perfunctory smiles. But sometimes, I have to admit that my sharp tongue and usually offhanded witticism go overboard and out of control, all for the sake of a fun environment (atmosphere, environment… hmmm… what’s next — climate?).

Shame on me for not having retaliated. Keeping mum against an aggression toward myself is simply not Pepe Alas. Admittedly, I am a vindictive person. Bad for my mental health, yes. But good for my character. And good for those who look up to me.

Shame on me for allowing a foreigner to trample on my brownboy being. I’ve been fighting the foreign WASP invader since I was 17. But I let this one go? My antagonist may not be Anglo-Saxon, but he’s a white boy nonetheless. Shame on me for not having castigated his immature sensibilities.

Shame on me for allowing my disgraced butt to remain with his enterprise after humiliating me. I was actually planning to shove a bye-bye note this Monday right onto his head where he “hit” me, albeit softly, the way an ailing nonagenarian grandmother sluggishly thumps an empty teacup on a decrepit table. My family’s been to hell and back. We don’t fear joblessness anymore. But to pacify my wife (and perhaps myself) who learned of my abrupt plans and told me to stop being a rebel once and for all, I’ll opt to stick it out and give this guy one more chance. Anyway, whether things get better or not, I will never ever for the life of me join him in any drinking session for the rest of my life; and that’s final.

Maybe I’ve been acting too much of a comic, thus the reason for the disrespectful attitude accorded to me by some people. I’ve tried acting “normal” quite a couple of times already. And the more I try to “condescend” to those who couldn’t fathom my ideas, the more I get alienated. I try to be nice to everyone, but many people abuse this kindness. I wonder where I should stay put. That’s not the real Pepe Alas. That’s not supposed to be me. I am not supposed to be your friendly nice guy neighbor, seriously. But that doesn’t make me evil.

It’s funny and ironic how I have figured out what our national identity is, but I do not know my personal one.

Right now, I’m trying to balance my rage on the scales of my Moro-Christian temperament.

Oh me, I am such an actor.

My identity is on the precipice of crisis.

SOUNDTRACK: BLACK SABBATH-Sabotage (1975).

Sabotage seems to be somewhat forgotten (maybe because of the creepy cover art 0f Ozzy in a kimono and fascinating platform shoes, Bill Ward in red tights with a codpiece (and visible underwear on the back cover), and Geezer and Tony’s mustaches).
But this album rocks pretty hard and heavy.
“Hole in the Sky” is a sort of spastic rocker with Ozzy screaming vocals over the top of the rocking track.
“Don’t Start (Too Late)” is the by now obligatory acoustic guitar piece.  But this one is different, for it has some really wild and unpredictable aspects to it.

“Symptom of the Universe” is another classic Sabbath track, a blistering heavy fast riff with the wonderful Ozzy-screamed: “Yeaaaaaahs!”  It then surprises you by going into an extended acoustic guitar workout for a minute and a half at the end.

“Megalomania” is a slow ponderous piece. Unlike the psychedelic tracks from the previous records, this one moves along with a solid back beat. It also has a great bridge (“Why doesn’t everybody leave me alone?”). They definitely had fun with the effects (echoing vocals, etc.) on this one.  And, like their prog rock forebears, this song segues into another rhythm altogether when we get the wonderfully fast rock segment.  And the humorous point where the music pauses and Ozzy shouts “Suck me!”

“Thrill of it All” is a pretty good rocker, which after a  pretty simple opening morphs into a slow, surprisingly keyboard-fueled insanely catchy coda.  “Supertzar” is a wonderfully creepy instrumental.  It runs 3 minutes and is all minor-keys and creepy Exorcist-like choirs.  When the song breaks and the bizzaro Iommi riff is joined by the choir, you can’t help but wonder why no horror film has used this as its intro music.

“Am I Going Insane (Radio)” is a very catchy keyboardy track.  It clearly has crossover potential (although the lyrics are wonderfully bizarre).  But it ends with totally creepy laughing and then wailing.    “The Writ” ends the album. It’s another solid rocker and it ends with an acoustic coda with Ozzy’s plaintive vocals riding over the top.

Sabotage has some truly excellent moments.  It’s just hard to fathom the amount of prog-rock tendencies they’ve been throwing onto their last few discs (we’ll say Rick Wakeman had something to do with it).

Black Sabbath made two more albums before Ozzy left.  I haven’t listened to either one of them in probably fifteen years.  And my recollection of them is that they’re both pretty lousy.  Maybe one of these days I’ll see if they prove me wrong.

[READ: December 16, 2009] McSweeney’s #7

This was the first McSweeney’s edition that I didn’t buy new.  My subscription ran out after Issue #6 and I never saw #7  in the stores.  So, I recently had to resort to a used copy.

This issue came packaged with a cardboard cover, wrapped with a large elastic band.

Inside you get several small volumes each with its own story (this style hearkens back to McSweeney’s #4, but the presentation is quite different).  7 of the 9 booklets feature an artistic cover that relates to the story but is done by another artist (not sure if they were done FOR the story or not).  I have scanned all of the covers.  You can click on each one to see a larger picture.

The booklets range from 16 to 100 pages, but most are around 30 pages.  They are almost all fiction, except for the excerpt from William T. Vollman’s 3,500 page Rising Up and Rising Down and the essays that accompany the Allan Seager short story.

KEVIN BROCKMEIER-”The Ceiling” [cover by Eric White]
The basic plot of this story is quite simple: a large black square appears in the sky one day.  Slowly it sinks towards the earth, growing larger and larger.  Despite the somewhat Stephen King-like nature of the premise, the story is really all about how people live their lives: specifically, how one man’s family acts during this crisis.  I enjoyed the story quite a bit.

However, I was confused by the beginning.  The opening scene is at the son’s  birthday party.  There’s a lot of detail given, but it doesn’t seem to have much to do with the rest of the story.  It begins with the son telling a fictional tale about himself in a hot air balloon with the father noting, on a separate line: “This is a story.”

It seemed like this was all a set up for something special.  And I’m just not sure how that ties together with the rest of the story.  But I’m not too worried about it as I enjoyed the piece as a whole.

ANN CUMMINS-”Red Ant House” [cover by Tim Bower]
I really enjoyed Cummins’ story in McSweeney’s #6, so I was excited to read this one.  The red ant house is a house down the block that is infested with red ants.  A new family moves into the house and the daughter of that family immediately latches on to the narrator of the story, Leigh.  Leigh is one of 6 kids whose mother is pregnant again.

The new girl, Theresa Mooney, lives with a man who is not her father and a woman who is her mother.  The man seems to have families all over the place.  None of this is good news for Theresa Mooney, especially when Leigh and her siblings decide to point it out to her.  Despite her best intentions however, Leigh and Theresa become friendly, and their bonding is complete when they dare each other to do something risky.

This story didn’t blow me away as much as the previous one, but there was something oddly affecting about it.

A.M. HOMES-”Do Not Disturb” [cover by Melinda Beck]
This is a very prickly story.  It can easily be summed up by the exchange: “You knew I was a bitch before you married me, say something original.”  In the story, a man and his wife are quite obviously falling apart (as individuals and as a couple).  Before the evening’s events, the couple had yet another huge fight.  And he thinks, yet again, of leaving her.  But that night, during dinner, she becomes gravely ill.

Since she is a doctor, she is reluctant to go to the ER, but after several hours of agony, she relents.  She is diagnosed with cancer.  But this diagnosis, rather than softening her, as everyone suspects, just makes her more prickly, more demanding, even less compassionate.  But he can’t leave a cancer-riddled wife can he?  Even if she pushes him out?  This was a very dark story, but it was very powerful.  And, as with all of A.M. Homes work that I’ve read, it was very good.

MICHAEL CHABON-”The Return of the Amazing Cavalieri” [front & back covers by Chris Ware]
I loved The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay when I read it a few years ago.  I was delighted to discover that this story (the cover art suggests it is an “Un-Told Tale of Kavalier and Clay”) was included here.  Sadly for me, I don’t remember too many details of the novel (it was like ten years ago, right?).  Happily for me, they are not relevant to this story.

This piece concerns Cavalieri himself.  He is walking to school with his nephew and the fear and dread he had during grammar school is rushing back at him.  Cavalieri’s nephew has promised his class that The Amazing Kavalier will perform some magic tricks (maybe even escape from a safe!) for Sharing Time.  Cavalieri susses up the class and decides that they are at the perfect age to be simply skeptical.  He grows more nervous as Sharing Time approaches.

He proceeds to perform his simple tricks, but when he suspects that the kids are not all that impressed, he attempts one grand feat.  I enjoyed this story immensely and it makes me want to re-read Kavalier and Clay (or at the very least Maps & Legends, which is sitting on my bedside right now).

The cover art by Chris Ware is, of course, fantastic.  The front cover is designed to look just like a comic book.  And the back cover is even more fun (in a sick and twisted way) as an ad for how much your life will suck if you have a baby.

HEIDI JULAVITS-”Little Little Big Man” [cover by Elizabeth Kairys]
This is, frankly, a bizarre story.  It involves a tiny man named Big who works for a rodeo.  And beyond that the story is full of what I can’t decide is fantasy, magical realism or just hallucinations.

Big becomes involved with a large woman who carries him over her shoulder (his face getting caught in her skirt ruffles as it bumps against her behind).  This part was very funny.

They become serious and settle down.  He grows unhappy and winds up spending a lot of his time climbing into her uterus to read the graffiti that her six children have written in there.

[Pause for people to digest that sentence].

So I’m not sure what to make of details like that.  There are questions of impotence, unfaithfulness and pseudo-bestiality.  And while I understand what happened plot-wise, arriving there was a very bizarre path.

J.T. LEROY-”Harold’s End” [cover by Sharon Leong]
Of course, now we know that J.T. Leroy is a fraud or a pseudonym depending on your opinion of the author’s stunt.  It makes it hard to read this for the first time without having the author’s reality impinging on the story.  I’m not sure if I would have been quite as cynical about the story if I didn’t know what I know about Leroy.  But I an inclined to think that I would have been at least suspicious of the details of the story anyhow.

The basic premise here is that a man approaches a group of kids on the street.  They are suspicious of him (is he a cop, a social worker, a john?), but when they see he is handing out free needles, they relent.  He singles out one boy and invites him back to his house, where they shoot heroin and hang out for an extended period of time.  A single event (that I will get to in a moment) happens which causes friction between them and the boy is asked to leave.

I was immediately suspicious of the story because the kids seem completely unreal.  I’m not even sure how old they are supposed to be.  They hang out on the curb but it’s unclear if they are trying to score drugs, if they are trying to score dates or what.  The only thing we know is that they all have pets (a rat, a pit bull and a boa constrictor)  hanging out with them.  And, the kids tell the man that all of their pets have pedigrees (in far more exacting detail than one might expect a kid to know).  The title of the story comes because the boy who the man brings home did not have a pet.  Along with the heroin, the man gives the boy a snail named Harold as a pet that he can take care of himself.

So, despite the fact that the man is in the role of chickenhawk for this young boy, nothing sexual ever happens between them, except for the event that causes the friction (which is wholly unexpected and really rather disgusting).  But it’s not even entirely apparent afterward why the man is upset (because it didn’t work? was he just embarrassed?).  The whole scene from start to finish seemed unbelievable.  Finally, as the story ends, we see the boy is too squeamish to clean out the snail’s poop, yet moments later he willingly dives into a dumpster (not to mention the disgusting scene above).  It just doesn’t add up.

The whole story rang false to me.  Maybe it was meant to be over the top; maybe it was meant to be surreally funny.  Maybe it was a hyperreal or fantasy look at kids on the street.  But I don’t think so.  It was just creepy.

COURTNEY ELDRIDGE-”The Former World Record Holder Settles Down” [cover by Katherine Streeter]
This is one of the longest stories that McSweeney’s has published.  It’s 75 pages.  And, what is so great about it is that it never feels like a long story.  And what’s even better is that the story goes through many twists and turns to end up in a sad but interesting place.

I loved the fact that the story begins by talking about the narrators’ husband.  And he is a bowling dork.  He loves bowling, he bowls all the time, and he has even gotten the narrator–a hipster New York woman who only thought of bowling ironically–to enjoy bowling.  As well as other sports, too.  He gets her to watch and enjoy baseball (and she develops a mad crush on Don Zimmer (!)).

But back to bowling.  Her husband, Joel, gets very mad at himself if he doesn’t bowl well.  And his mood stays dark for quite some time.

But.  He’s not the titular record holder.  The world record of the title comes as a complete shock (and I won’t reveal it).  But once we learn of the record, everything in the story changes (except they still love bowling).

As the story progresses, we learn more and more about the narrator and how much her father’s disappearance had affected her.  And how much she hates to talk about her past.  And how much she loves her husband for not pushing things about her past.  Until he does.  And then things comes to a head.

There’s so much going on in this story, and it all starts so simply as a bowling tale.   It was a great, great story.

WILLIAM T. VOLLMAN-”The Old Man:  A Case Study from Rising Up and Rising Down“
This is a 100-page excerpt from Vollman’s 3,500 page study of violence called Rising Up and Rising Down (which I will never read).  This excerpt is a case study, written in 1995 and concerns Muslim terrorists in Thailand.

The excerpt reads like a real-life version of Apocalypse Now.  Vollman is in Thailand trying to get an interview with The Old Man, the reputed head of PULO, the Pattani Unification Liberation Organization.  Vollman interviews (with his faithful translator D.) citizens of Thailand and Malaysia as well as political figures and former members of PULO.

The main problem I have with the excerpt is that the context is left out.  We never learn who D. is or how he met her.  And, we have no context for WHY he wants to do this.  He spends days and days negotiating with bureaucrats, thugs and taxi drivers only to ultimately end up right where he started from.  Is it all in aid of this book?  I’m not entirely sure.  I’m sure that the full text covers this, so it’s not really a compliant.  I just wish I had a little context  for this daunting piece.

As for the piece itself although it is a look at only one instance of violence, it is still fascinating to hear people involved in this organization (the quotes are direct in broken English, lending credence to the authenticity).  And it is fascinating to see the kind of security that this man, the head of a terrorist organization, has and yet doesn’t have (and the difficult in actually finding the man).  And to hear how much is hidden in plain sight about members of the organization is rather surprising.

No answers are forthcoming about the why’s of terrorism (maybe they are answered in the big book).  But Vollman is a dogged investigator and an excellent writer.  And although I don’t want to say I enjoyed the excerpt, I’m glad I read it.  (But I’m still not going to read the 3,500 page version).

ALLAN SEAGER-”This Town and Salamanca”
Seager is a once-revered writer whose work has largely gone out of print.  This booklet contains this short story as well as some commentary from others.  The three nonfiction essays attached add a lot of backstory, and certainly allow the reader to learn a lot more about his work and about Seager himself.

I didn’t think I would enjoy the story all that much.  They way it opened, I feared it was going to be a travelogue.  But as it progressed I found it really enjoyable and surprisingly deep.  The premise is that in his youth, John was a world traveler.  He built a boat and sailed to Cuba.  He joined the army to learn how to fly, and then he left the army and then he rejoined the army once again.  He learned to fence in Italy and France.  And then he returned from Salamanca to settle down in “this town.”

The story is really about the other residents of the town and how they more or less hung their hopes and dreams on his journeys, since none of them would ever leave the town.  They relish his stories when he returns and ask for as many details as they can get.  And his details are juicy and quite delightful.

But when he settles down in his home town, everyone is a little disappointed that their wanderer has stopped wandering.  It is a simple no-frills story, and was quite effective.

JOHN WARNER-”Allan Seager: An Introduction”
Warner provides a brief sketch of Seager’s life: his rise to fame as a short story writer (and the numerous places that have published his work: Esquire, The New Yorker, Playboy) and his eventual loss of recognition.  He also fills in details about his personal life (and health).

JOAN FRY-”Colorless in Limestone Caverns: a remembrance”
As a student, Fry set out to seduce Seager.  She was ultimately successful.  But their relationship proved to be a terrible hindrance to her creative writing (although she wound up being the impetus for one of Seager’s own stories).  She spent much of their time together trying to get away.  I actually found this true story to be slightly more compelling than Seager’s short story itself.

STEVEN CONNELLY-”Man is Born For Sorrow as the Sparks Fly Upwards: a remembrance”
Connelly was a student of Seager’s.  His essay here describes how autobiographical “This Town and Salamanca” is.  Seager also traveled the world and then settled down in his home town to write.  It also describes him as a wonderful teacher, who knew as much about James Joyce as anyone.  Seager was inspirational for Connelly as well as many other students.

~~

McSweeney’s #7 is another great collection of stories.  It was absolutely worth tracking it down.

SOUNDTRACK: The Believer July/August 2008 Music Issue Compilation CD: The Volatile But Symbiotic Relationship of Mabel and Anabel (2008).

The previous Believer CD expanded the palette of music by introducing a lot of hard-edged bands.  But this CD smashes any complaints about one-dimensionality.  It is designed around a concept of “world” music which they have designated as MABEL (Musicians of American, British, or [Western] European Lineage) and ANABEL (Artists Not of American, British, or [Western] European Lineage).

The internet has introduced a huge amount of ANABEL music to MABEL musicians.  And this has led to Western musicians experimenting with very different musical styles.

The problem, such as it is, with this disc is that it is comprised almost entirely of ANABEL songs.  So, although the disc is designed to show the influences of these artists there’s not a whole lot of tracks that show the western bands using them.  (In fairness, you can only do so much with 72 minutes).  And yes, there are a number of clearly MABEL artists here: Animal Collective, Dirty Projectors.

However, as an introduction to a few cultures’ worth of music, it’s pretty great.  I admit that I don’t love every song on this disc.  But after a few listens I’ve really grown to appreciate these tracks from Iran, Jamaica (dancehall), India and Bulgaria.

Some artists that really impressed me were: Googoosh, and her traditional Iranian track from the 70s.  Enemble Pirin, a subset of the Le Mysterè des Voix Bulgares (whom I’ve liked for years).  And Beat Konducta.  It also introduced me to Aceyalone, who I’ve heard of but never listened to.  And I really enjoyed the superfast rapping in the start of Busy Signal’s track.

I wouldn’t listen to this disc a lot, but it would be fun to throw a track or two from this on a mix CD and see how well it fit.

The track listing is here.

[READ: December 15, 2009] Shenanigans

I usually really enjoy the slice of life/romancey comics from Oni Press.  But I have some major gripes with this one.

The art is pretty cool.  I’m intrigued by the fact that the pupils of the characters are white (like L i’l Orphan Annie).  I found it very disconcerting at first, but once I got used to it, I rather liked it.  And the characters were always very expressive.

It’s the story that I have a problem with.

The story is an overly simple–cliched, if you will–story about a man who poses as another man to check up on his girlfriend.  Holden is a thoroughly unlikable character. When the story opens he is kicked out of his girlfriend’s apartment for ignoring her (while playing video games).  And, frankly he never proves himself to be anything better than the loser she describes him as.

Soon thereafter he meets and woos Casey, a beautiful woman who deserves much much better than him.  Inexplicably, she invites him to live with her, even though she was just fired from her job and she already has a roommate–I guess a freeloading guy seems like a good addition to the mix.  But Casey is very smart (although not smart enough to dump Holden) and she posts an ad that she’s offering her services as a math tutor.

Because she’s hot, she gets many takers.  This consumes most of her time and, of course, Holden becomes jealous, because who wouldn’t hate to hate his girlfriend earning cash?  And when he sees that the tutees are college hunks (but really, who else needs tutoring in math?) he gets enraged (see, why isn’t she dumping his lame ass by now?).  Even though he see her rebuffing their advances, he gets very jealous and hatches a bad TV plot to disguise himself from her.  Now, as with any preposterous story, somehow a hat, glasses and a fake goatee are enough to fool this woman who claims to love Holden so very much.

And, of course, later they end up at the same event where hijinks ensue.

I was really disappointed that nothing original happened here.  And, worst of all, Holden is such an unlikable character, it’s shocking to think that any woman would give him as many chances as she does.  Oh, and the whole subplot of her twin brother who thoroughly abuses her best friend (he even inadvertently sets her on fire) is never given any backstory or resolution.

It’s a very poor addition to any graphic novel collection.

i called j, couldt get her. joel too. of course i cnt, it’s 4.54 in the morning.

we had a quarrel. meaning xav and i.

i couldnt sleep was staying online on my iphone to see if he’s online. when he emailed me at 3.59am, i replied straight at 4.00am. till 4.06(sent four emails). till four of his email came at 4.06am(which he said he emailed me ack, i think something was wrong with the internet. i spent 5-6 emails getting him to use singtel free sms, and 11 smses to get him to call me on my cell(and i would pay for the long dist call).

all those frustrating typing on the tiny key pad plus no sleep since last night(cos i was seriousl thinking of him and somehow couldnt get to sleep).

wanted so much just to talk to him. and that had to go thru loads of emails and texts. but that isnt impt.

things he said: 1) the others went to the casino and he came straight back to email me.2) he had to share the internet pass with his friends(who supposely went to the carsino) so he couldnt reply. then i was just confused and merely asked really meh? then why did..

i havent finished my statement and he shouted to his two friends and like asked: WERE U ALL AT THE CASINO?!(friend replied yes)

like and i cnt recall the next one. but i felt utterly embarrassed, from what i think, shdnt u not let this kind of stuffs be known to friends, like wont it be embarrassing for the other party(and plus it’s unfair, why did i even stay up at 3-4 am. obviously not to quarrel with him)?

he said, i forced him to do that. and he is not at fault by humiliating me.

i did not, so i shd cont my sentence here(i was merely confused and asked): then why did u not use the pass when they were at the casino? like both statement he said contrdicted. if they were at the casino, he din need to wait for the internet pass. could just use it right. like i was confused.

he could have just explained but he made things ugly. i mean im his gf. first he doesnt read, then he doesnt listen(i was trying to explain that i was trying to get him, even after the humiliating moment), and he says i humiliated myself.

and after awhile i realised it was no point explaining when he is not in the mood to listen. and i said i’ll hang and i’m sorry(while still crying like mad, it hurt me alot). and that was it. i just have to suck it up. i needed to cry to someone, but no one was there to pick up my calls.

doesnt it seem like im facing my own sadness. im alone i my r/s. that is why my status is constantly changing

i typed all these while crying, it may all seem really dumb. but i have no one to talk to now. not at 5.23 am in the morn, and i cnt tell mum or dad, else they will get me to break up with him(i meant no matter who is right or wrong, i think he shdnt have made things ugly. even thou he humiliated me, he is far too impt for me to let mum and dad know.

my  eyes were hurting so much from not sleeping,and it’s hurting now, cos i’ve not stopped crying(i tried, but cnt).

Last night, I scened with Heidi alone, and Master just watching.  I thought I had an idea of how it would go, but I was stunned by what actually happened.  I don’t exactly want to get into all the dark details, but she provided proof that Master had an encounter with her that he was not planning on telling me about… probably one of the most hurtful things he could do to me.  Furthermore, the evidence showed that he had enjoyed that tremendously more than he’s been enjoying me recently.   Then she laughed at me, mocked me and finally, beat me up pretty well in her unique manner.  (If anyone wants to know I’ll explain further, but not right now.)  I ended up curled into a sobbing ball of slave-flesh.  Then she fucked me so hard with this huge, freaky-big dildo until I was screaming and (again) crying.  I came my brains out, then laid in bed for a long while sobbing and then sleeping.  

So here is the thing… I am genuinely pissed off and very fucking hurt that my Master did this to me.  You might wonder why I’m not angry at Ma’am as well.  Truth is, I am hurt… I feel that she did this as an act of vengence against me and was insensitive enough not to even realize her own motives, nor the final outcome of what she did.  I am refering to what she & he had done secretively, not anything in the scene between me and her.  That was just typical, nasty play that she and I do.  No biggie.

But at the same time, I wonder if I’ve been ridiculously naive to think that he would never cheat on me so carelessly and recklessly again.  I had thought if I gave him almost everything, he would not take those few things that I hold back for fear of my own complete destruction.  It turned out that wasn’t true.  I know he loves me, but I guess I also know now that I can never, ever count on him not pulling the nastiest of strings on me.  I feel totally betrayed.

BUT, here is the rub.  The truly crappiest part of the whole goddamn thing– I came anyway.  I came hard and fast for her, despite what I had learned.  I feel that I betrayed myself… just like in the old days.  That’s how I ended up as a cuckquean in the first place.  Because you don’t ’become’ a cuckquean.  You just either are one (or someone destined to be one) or you aren’t.  I have no way of preventing anything he does with anyone.  If I try, he will just do it behind my back… but I always thought he would still tell me he had done it.  Now I realize how stupid that was of me.  If I truly stopped tolorating it and he felt backed into a corner, he would just deceive me forever.  That is HUGE… 

Now, here’s the crappiest, saddest, most pathetic part of the larger crappy situation.  As I sit here writing this, I am hot and wet again over the realizations I’ve written about.  I’m still angry and feel so terrible and depressed, but I’m also made helpless by my own throbbing cunt.  So… who’s really to blame for… well, any of this?  Probably the Bitch leaving a wet spot on the couch…  How truly fucking pitiful.

(Notes on) Politics, Theory and Photography sums up a propaganda battle that is underway in Iran between the government news agency and government critics. It’s a brilliant piece about the power of images, symbolic resistance and gender roles.

The government fired the opening salvo when the state news agency Farspublished photos of a student leader - Majid Tavakoli - who has been arrested and remains in custody. In the photographs Tavakoli, who is highly critical of the regime, was forced to wear Islamic chador andmaghnaeh, the female headscarf.

What the authorities apparently intended as a means of humiliating a critic had a surprising effect – it generated Internet solidarity, as scores of Iranian men posted pictures of themselves on various social networking sites wearing headscarves.

[...] the veiled men in the photos make clear that the images are intended as a rebuke to the official practice of compelling Iranian women to wear the chador. Perhaps the regime has made a massive mis-step here.

Full story here

and it’s a good thing too, because with the ridiculous shoes I have earmarked for NYE, I am going to end up in 2010 about 2 feet ahead of everyone else.

Surprised by your dislike

Have you ever had a situation where someone heard the exact opposite of what you said?  And accused you of lack of faith?

It’s wildly disconcerting.  Your mind races as you try to understand what is happening and your heart sinks when you release how much the other person dislikes you.

Sometimes the situation is less clear cut.  You are distressed by a situation and think someone should be making an effort.  They think you should have acted in some way to sidestep the distress and that your lack of action has brought threat to them.  What a slap in the face with a wet fish!

Do we ever see the facts in the same way?

Where am I going on this?  Simply, it is astounding how different two people’s views can be of the same situation.

And it follows to me that there is not much point in worrying about other people think. They will think what they will and sometimes what they think seems to be a fabrication, utterly devoid of any factual accuracy.

What other people think is so distracting

The trouble is that most of us do worry what other people think.  And quite often we aren’t released from the hurt of someone expressing their dislike and their distrust until our side of the story is confirmed.

It is a dreadful waste of time and effort, but ‘there we go’.  We hate being excluded.  We hate being rejected.  That is why so many people put a  lot of effort into being rich and powerful.  To have “f+++ off” houses and cars as one of my former students put it rather pithily. They don’t want ever to be bothered by other people’s power to put them down.

We feel awful until our status is restored

The emotional release comes when our status is restored, at least in our eyes.  And of course, it is in our eyes.  The other party probably does care . . . or is plotting revenge!

But release there is. Silly isn’t it?  It is like going up a ladder in ’snakes n ladders’ and feeling important because the roll of the dice was in your favor.

But ‘there we are’.  It is the human condition to be silly. It comes with the ‘box’ in which we were delivered.