Q. Is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. It got me out of the army.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a goose do?
A. Make him bark?

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Only after lights out.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Unfortunately, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.  One is politics, what is the other?
A. Tape measures.

Q.:  in bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A.:  the pin boy.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q.: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. : You ask me one more growing old question, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Wenn Jugendliche miteinander sprechen, kann das für Außenstehende älterer Generationen mitunter höchst verwirrend sein: Da geht schon mal die Frau mit “Knieschoner” (Hängebusen), ihrem “Damager” (Bankmanager), und der “Edelratte” (Hund) ins Restaurant, um “Aknestäbchen” (Pommes) zu essen.

Um das Jugendwort 2009 zu küren, hat der Langenscheidt-Verlag nun zur Abstimmung im Internet aufgerufen: 30 sprachliche Neuerfindungen stehen dabei bis Ende Oktober zur Wahl, unter den 15 Begriffen mit den meisten Stimmen kürt eine Jury dann im November den Sieger.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Sie kennen diese Überschrift schon? Richtig! An den nächsten Freitagen gibt es dazu eine kleine Fortsetzungsserie.

Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.  Relaxing….

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There… See? It really does work. You’re smiling already.

Zur Abwechslung ein bisschen Mathe:

Don’t tell me your age; you probably would tell a lie anyway – but the Candy Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATHS – DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s for fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 .. If you haven’t, add 1758.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are:-
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Enjoy the chocolate

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the ‘Style Invitational’.
The requirements were to use the two words ‘Lewinsky’ (the Intern)and ‘Kaczynski’ (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper … no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky.
‘Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’,
On this flute made of beef,
That stole the front page from Kaczynski!

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress,
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky!
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown,
What Kaczynski must surely have known.
That an intern is better,
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown!

Kommentar: mal wieder überflüssig

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET – A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

(Please scroll down)

…What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to work. I don’t know about you sometimes!

Achtung: nicht jugendfrei!

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, ‘Are all of those kids yours?’

He replied, ‘No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.

Wenn Ihnen die Finanzkrise den Appetit auf Geschenke aller Art noch nicht geraubt hat, sollten Sie sich bei Zuza Fun umschauen. Auf der englischsprachigen Site gibt’s ausgefallen-verrückte Geschenke für Mensch und Tier, sei es eine Frosch-Handtasche für die Dame oder ein Polizistenkostüm für den Hund.

Über den praktischen Wert lässt sich trefflich streichen, aber ein Hingucker sind die Präsente allemal.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

‘My name is Carmen,’ she told him.

‘That’s a beautiful name,’ he replied,
‘Is it a family name?’

‘No,’ she replied. ‘I gave it to myself. It
reflects the things like most — cars and men.’

‘What’s your name?’ she asked.

He said, ‘B. J. Titsengolf’

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Oh, Yum! I smell honey!”

Now the baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, “Geez, all I can smell is …. moleasses!”

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to
the other, ‘I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked
‘What might ye be sellin’ here?’ One of the men replied sarcastically,
‘We’re selling assholes.’ Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, ‘You’re
doing well … only two left!’

The English should not match wits with the Irish!!

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo
book and said,

‘Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!’

I took a deep breath, then asked…’What did
you call it?’
‘It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!’
And so it does…
‘ A f r i c a n Elephant ‘

Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?