Rejection is something we have all experienced. Many of us have been rejected by our families, our church, a prospective school, employer, or publisher. As humans, we have a huge capacity and desire for love. The biggest rejection of them all is by a love interest.

I will admit that I used to watch talk shows on a regular basis. My favorites ones were The Maury Povich Show and of course The Jerry Springer Show. I just never had enough of these guests who would willingly go on their shows and sometimes even embarass themselves on national television. Private rejection hurts, but public rejection is the ultimate worst.

I can’t count how many times I watched as a woman in love was ruthlessly rejected by her man. Some were so broken down and desperate for love that they would beg for affection, hoping that he would stay with them. There are women who have purposedly gotten pregnant, thinking that he would step up to his responsibilities and marry them. Ladies, no man is ever going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself first.

As woman, the matters of the heart never come easily. It’s usually an emotional rollercoaster with plenty of heartache. Many of us know how to mask the pain well, while others crack under the immense pressure, struggling to put back the pieces. Although I am considered too young to know the game as you would call it, I’ve had my fair share of love. I have had enough experience to have a good idea of relationship do’s and don’ts. With every year that passes, I know there will be more added to both sides of the list, but in the meantime, here’s what I  have learned.

This post is mainly for the ladies. For the men who may choose to read this, feel free to take notes, or better yet submit a response.

First things first, men do not validate you! YOU VALIDATE YOURSELF! Too many women have been killed as a result of domestic violence. If he isn’t treating you well, move on. Your life is worth more than him.

Second, please don’t waste your time waiting patiently by the phone for his call. Nor, are you to jump the minute it actually rings. The last thing to do is wait on them hand and foot. Once it starts, it’s usually hard to break away from it.

Third, why oh why do we allow men to have so much weight on our appearance and behavior? You are your own individual. You can take his opinion and suggestions under consideration. His words are not law. Remember that!

Fourth, compromise is essential in any relationship. You can cook on this day and he can step and cook for you every now and then. Thankfully, God creates us with two hands and two feet, why not use it?

Fifth, have you ever wondered why some men expect you to dress a certain way with them showing the curves and other assets that are now off the market? Then expect you to dress like a nun when they’re not around. Uhh, ladies the word is balance here.

Sixth, women tend to lose their dignity and self-respect trying to build the ego and confidence of their man. I’m not saying it’s wrong but the job is not entirely yours. They have to carry some of that responsibility too. You can’t do all of the work.

Seventh, trust your instincts and make the decision for yourself. It’s great to have the support of your family and friends, but it isn’t always guaranteed. Before you get into any relationship, make sure he is exactly what you’re looking for. Never settle and don’t even think that you have the mystical power to change who he is. The last thing you want to do is look back five years later at time wasted on a brother who won’t settle down with you or worse.

Eighth, avoid drama. It’s not a good look nor does it do any good for you. You ever notice that even when it’s the man’s fault, the women are always the ones stressing. It’s always the women fighting, cussing. pulling hair. The man just stands aside watching the show. Give the blame to whomever it belongs. Regardless of the situation, you’re a woman first. So act like a lady at all times.

Ninth, we need to draft a woman’s bill of rights. Some men, nowadays, take women for granted and need a big wake-up call. I am not your mother. I will not baby you. If you want to be a grown man, you will be treated like one and nothing less. No I will not run all around town with a metrocard, when you have a perfectly good and working car. No I will not wash your drawers when you still live at home with momma. No I will not do the grocery shopping so that you and your boys can have snacks during the game. When was the last time you took me out?

Tenth, women need to be united. Enough of this backbiting, creeping, man-stealing foolishness. Enough of the weave fights and expensive hair repairs. Cut the car-keying and tire-slashing.

If you can’t handle a relationship and the twists and turns involved, DON’T DATE!

I’m afraid you turned into someone that does not care about anything anymore. I think you are too hurt and to shattered to adopt a new meaning in your life, a healthy perspective someone might say.

I believe they have poisoned you. ‘Cause you were tender and you intitially blocked everyone out. So you were just having fun. But you occasionally opened up to some people and they kind of treated you badly.

So there you are. If you were the biggest religious figure you’d be already dead. But you don’t even have a religion. Or come to think of it you might have but it would be genuinely unconventional and odd for most people.

Well… I notice you are wandering in the ground looking for a familiar face to talk to. Small chat, nothing important. You are somehow calm in your own way. ‘Cause you are uptight at the same time. But I think you are sad. And most imporant of all, I think you are broken inside. And it is practically impossible to heal now.

Hell, why didn’t you leave? Why don’t you leave? I could never understand. How can you afford living in this lousy city when you belong elsewhere.

I hate to think that you are sad. That they hurt you so bad that you have lost your beautiful inner self. Instead you have found alcohol and substances to ease your troubled mind.

Wish you could be you again…

I do have feelings, you know? And there are words that can be said to hurt them.
And I have a heart, too. Just because I choose not to wear it on my sleeve, doesnt mean I don’t have one. So watch where you step, will ya? Because it hurts when you walk all over it. A lot.
And just because I never let you see me cry, doesn’t mean I don’t.
I’m not the “cold-hearted,evil bitch” you say I am. Oh, and it hurts when you call me that, too.
It also hurts when you tell me that I am incapable of feeling emotions or empathy for others. On the contrary, I have a lot of anger for you. A whole lot. Anger is an emotion and you are an other, right?

So take note of the above, please. Thanks, mom.

struggling here with words on how to write this–which for me is a weird feeling because normally i don’t struggle with words–first, pray for me—wont get into specifics here—but there is something i ordered that i wished i didnt—as of yet it didn’t go through (credit card, order etc)–but i am asking for prayers that it DOES NOT go through—and if it does, gets lost in the mail, and or i have the strength to get rid of it when/if it comes—been told that prayers can work–so i am laying that out there.

my main thing about this post, goes along that line of my prayer request—a realization in a sense, as well as a question, questioning of myself, my worth, my “light”, my “evilness” as i would say–and the constant WWJD. Been thinking about something i threw away earlier this week—something that i believed made who i was, my identity, my protection, my everything. i was thinking about that—and thinking about the things i used to have around my house—the inspirational quotes, the “christian” music, the “crosses”, etc—everything i was told made me more of a “christian”–or made me a “christian” if that makes sense—so i thought, the more i had like that, the more HE would love me, HE would take care of me, ect—again trying so hard to plz HIM, to earn HIS love, HIS protection, etc. i also enjoyed the stuff tremendously–gave me a sense of “peace”

then i switched to so much negative in my house—thought i was evil, believe i am evil— why would HE even like me, let alone what i have heard “love” me—might as well turn to the negatives, the opposites, etc—and believed again that is what made me who i was—listening to non-christian music made me bad, reading non-christian books made me bad, not having spiritual stuff in my house made me bad, etc etc etc—therefore, i must be evil, therefore i must be bad and the list goes on.

I want to believe that in reality, listening to whatever didn’t make me who i was, reading whatever didn’t make me who i was, wearing whatever didn’t make me who i was, going to church, eating, and so much more did not make me who i was—i was who i was because of the “light” in me-the “holy spirit” that was in me–dare i believe others who say this to me—how do i know that is the truth—how do i know to believe you, over the person in the organization. dare i really take that chance??? oh how i want to…sigh…………

why was i taught so wrong, why did i believe so long—how do i get that back—how do i find it again, is it possible to find it again??

read a similar statement to this twice this week—on someones elses blog and in a old message–but when you really do learn the wrong way, and are taught as i would put it, by “wolves in sheeps clothing”–you really do mess up your spiritual life—oh the questions—oh the identity crisis.

…………….on some of the old comments and posts I have shared.  You know, not much has changed when it comes to the mister and me.  We are still in the same spot we have been in for going on 4 or 5 years now.  Hell, it has been long enough for me not to remember exactly HOW long.  Take that back February 19, 2005.  That is the day that I confronted him and her.  The day that my life changed. 

Actually, my life changed before that.  Going through my recovery I know that now.  Those 2 1/2 years of popping pills…. I was using those for an excuse for the menopause and the stresss, the menopause was the excuse for the pills.  It was all just an excuse for a time in my life where everything to me in my mind was changing.  But, I was the only one changing.  Had I not gotten so lost and so distant to him…to everyone…. no one, I mean NO ONE could have ever penatrated our marriage.  That is how close we were. How much he loved me and I loved him.  But, it happened, and it was for a reason.  Not really sure what that reason was, maybe I will never know.  I do know that mentally I am a little better.  Time has a way of taking care of a few issues.  But, I still cry or get teary eyed at least once a day.  I still have that gut wrenching feeling when I know he has talked to her.  Do I think they were what the were back then? No, but then again I don’t really know for sure.  I know he has said it and I have said it, until he totally shuts her out that he and I can never have anything.  And, of course as he always says…. it wasn’t all just her.  She wasn’t the only reason this happened.  She was the end result.  Maybe if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else.  Who knows.

I have heard the past year or so he has gotten a little crazy and has turned into Mr. Pimp.  I don’t know if those are true statements or just rumors. Do I think he has an addiction to sex or had one?  Yes, for sure.  He is a functional alcoholic.  He is not the same man I married. This man is cold.  Hard.  Almost like he is empty inside. He has no memory.  He sems to remember what he wants to remember.  But, half the time he can’t remember one of his own childrens birthday.  And, so many other things.  I still think that the surgery and the meds had something to do with that.  He acted so strange those first few weeks.  I mean hallicunating in the hospital.  Saying “bring me the secret phone, I know at work they are doing wrong things”.  Called work and told them that he can see them and he knows they are screwing him around.  Things that were for sure not him.

I started this post just to say that looking back and reading not much in that area of my life has changed other than I have accepted certain things.  I am trying to move forward .. somewhere.  Make some improvements in my life.  Some changes. 

In other areas there has been much change.  My job.  We now have a suboxone clinic and I went and got certified to work with the patients and counsel them.  Of course ultimately the doctor gives the ok, to proceed with the induction and then stablization period, but she trusts my judgement and I pretty much do that and she just pops in to give the ok to proceed. 

Honestly, I wanted this so bad for our office.  But, these past 7 months since we started has been a real eye opener.  I mean we are only allowed 30 patients the first year.  We have a list a mile long for people needing help.  And, in our small rural area there is not much options for these poor people.  We have the methadone clinic that also does suboxone but, it is an arm and a leg.  We have a huge clinic about 40 minutes from us but there is a waiting list a mile long unless you go in inpatient.  So, the need in this area for suboxone doctors is very high.  I am hoping more will get certified.  I understand though why they are scared to.  The diversion with suboxone has grown to an all time high.  Hell, just in our clinic I have dismissed 2 for selling their meds.  And, it is always the young ones.  The 19-24 age group.  Us old foggies won’t let go of our meds.  No way!  The young ones.  They get stabilized and then no matter what dose have them on they adjust down to where they can sell at least 1 pill per day at 25.00 per pop.  It is sickening.  Everything about narcotics makes me sick.  It doesn’t matter what side of the fence you are on when it comes to pills, it is bad.

So, in my career that is where I stand.

My family.  Wow.  Well, It is just me and Josh here at home, with my sister and her 19 year old daughter who moved back here last year and have been living here with us.  And, let me just say…. once you have lived on your own, it doesn’t matter who it is you can’t go back to your childhood or another time and live with them.  I am surprised either of us has hair left on our heads.

She has Hep C.  yep, found that out after I got her a job in one of our other offices. She was an LPN but of course lost her license due to, you got it…..narcotic pills.  That is another entry.  She is doing the treatments.  And, she has been sick and mean and grouchy and just a bitch.  I have caught her stealing from me.  I hate to not be able to leave things in my home..MY HOME and them not be safe.  It makes me sick.

My oldest son is driving me nuts.  He has since he was conceived.  Honestly.  He has one whiney issue after another.  He has passed out twice this past couple weeks…why?  Drugs…drugs..drugs….and I told him up front…..you know where you need to go and who you need to call.  It is a little of this and that.  Xanax, pot, alittle pain pills.  I don’t know.  He is the only one of all them with that issue.  My second born is doing fantastic.  He got a promotion at work, had to move 3 hours from me, but he is doing very well for himself.  He came home this weekend with his new woman.  He came home because Friday is when the youngest was suppose to have his surgery, but the doctor had to go out of town and changed it till Monday and now he can’t be here.  He has to leave tonight and that is killing me.  I needed him so bad here with me.  He is my rock.  My third born is still living with his woman and working.  They are doing good.  He will be with me tomorrow.  My step son is doing good for himself.  He is making money in the coal mines and loving it.  LOL  Money is the only thing that moves that boy.  As long as he is happy I don’t care.

Now, my baby…my 13 year old.  If anyone out there reads this today or tonight.   I beg of you to say a prayer for him.  I am trusting in God with this.  I am learning to trust in God more and more.  Amazing how your life will change when you do that.  BUT, I still get that little stubborn block and try to take back the problems and get all nervous and whine and moan.  He has scolosis and he has to have it corrected.  I am praying for a nice easy surgery, for God the ultimate surgeon and physician to guide the doctors hands tomorrow and the healing process for him to be swift and wonderful.  I know he is going to hurt.  But, I am hoping he can with stand it and just do what they tell him to do and he will be up and moving along in his life.  After this surgery and him healing is when I need to start working more on my life.  I need to come to a place where I put my foot down and not allow him to still direct my life. 

He says…HE DOESN’T WANT A DIVORCE.  Ok, he doesn’t want a divorce, he doesn’t want to live here right now, he still wants me.  In all since of the word.  But, where do we go from that? How can anyone move on with the way we are right now?  We can’t.  He might beable to go on with his life still legally married to me and doing whatever, but I can’t do that.  I need something more.  Either we work on us or we forget us.  I guess I am one of those “non grey area” people.

I am off to get a bath and get dinner moving.  I will take my lap top to the hospital with me and while he is mending I hope I can continue with my posting.  I am hoping this time around this writing will be more productive.  It will teach me to let out the fears and problems, not keep them inside.  They arn’t going to go away.  I have to learn to deal with them.  Right?

Hugs

may this bring you some faith, belief and inspiration

GIVE YOU MY LOVE

(author unknown)

Searching for hope

In this painful life of mine

No matter where I turn

I find hurt, and pain

Too many times

I’ve wanted to give up

Deciding to look up to the heavens

What do I find

But the light of the lord

Shining light down on me

Need to have faith, and belief

In the one up above

He will wrap his arms around me

and say, “I give you MY love.”

“coba coba katakan kepadaku bahwa kita sedang berjalan menuju satu alasan,
janganlah kau katakan bila kita memang tak ada tujuan, dari apa yang dijalankan”

“aku tak ingin terus terdiam memandangi harapan,
terlena akan manis cinta dan berujung kecewa,
aku tak ingin terus menunggu sesuatu yang tak pasti,
lebih baik kita menangis dan terluka hari ini..”

“yang ku inginkan..
satu tujuan..
sebuah kenyataan..
bukan impian..
bukan harapan..
bukan alasan..
satu kepastian..”

we just want to live happily ever after

Lately, I really feel connected with this song. I just simply feel that this song really represent my feeling. I even wrote those lyrics in my facebook status, which make some reactions from my mates that think that I seem very desperate, gloomy, and mourning. One of my closest mate, Tian, even consider me as a “drama queen” because of that status. Hmm..I’m not pretty much like it, even though, yes, sometimes I think that I’m qualified enough to entitled that “title”, hehe..

After 2 years having a rollercoaster-up and down-bittersweet relationship with someone, sometimes I feel that our relationship is going nowhere. Yes, we growing up together, welcoming the graduation together, holding hands to face the new status as fresh graduate that struggling in our new workplace, enjoying the happy and romantic moments together, and even facing a several fighting and break ups. But even so, we still can’t reach our final goal, which is married, because of a particular reason that I can’t mentioned here.  I feel hurt, disappointed, and a bit frustrate because I don’t have the power to change the condition. I won’t blame anyone because of it. I just consider this as my destiny. It’s just the same as I have to accept the condition that I was born into this crazy world, even though I never ask for it. And the case is similar with that. I never ask and never want the condition turned out to be as complicated as this, but what can I say? This is my destiny, and I have to take it gracefully and adapt with it by tring to be a very patient person, which is not-so-me, actually.

I just wish that there’s a certainty in this relationship, as written in the lyric that I wrote above. I don’t want this relationship to be wasteful and end up tragically. I just hope that what we have built for the past 2 years will have a sweet ending. Just let’s cross our fingers together and pray for me, for us. Amin.

Nó quá nặng nề ~ nếu bạn không muốn phiền lòng hay khó chịu vì những thứ emo thì tuyệt đối đừng đọc nó.

Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don’t cry

Vào lúc này, nghe Hello của Evanescence có đúng đắn không… phải nói là nó đúng với một tôi của đêm nay~ Ướt áo rồi, đỏ hết mắt rồi. Vì thế tôi ghét tháng 11, một tháng sũng nước.

Tôi đã trở thành con người ích kỷ và xấu xa đến đáng sợ. Nếu tôi ngã, tôi sẽ không thể đứng dậy được nữa; không có thứ gì để bám vịn vào. Vốn dĩ tôi là người chẳng có ý chí mà, không mạnh mẽ.

Không gì cả.

Bản thân tôi chỉ là một thứ hư hỏng nặng từ trong ra ngoài.

As you know, Love can be either hell or heaven.

When the one you love say that he will keep his promise, and you find out that he did not, what would you do?

Keep him, or leave him?

Would you trust in love itself or trust the one you love again?

‘Cause you can never trust when it comes to lie. 

Why would you want to be with the one who hurt you? You don’t need a liar.

This blog is about the life of a recoverying pain pill addict housewife who lost her life as she once knew it. She is now trying to forge ahead in unknown territory. Learning how to be a single mom, learning how to handle and enjoy her recovery, work in a field that she never dreamed she would be in, learning to accept that life isn’t always fair, but we can’t just lay down and die either.   Most of all she is on a search to find the real woman inside herself.

If your wondering why this page has such a title as it does is because it never fails when him and me talk and are having discussions about our past, present or future, when we get to certain things that is when I hear “You know, everything isn’t always all about you!”  Well honey, I have found one place where I can make everything “all about me” if I choose to.  Here – in my little corner of cyber world.  Which he hates.  He swears this is what started the fall of our marriage and it could have been.  When he left and I had nothing to do I turned to a computer.  Now, wasn’t that better than turning to say…. HIS best friend?

Nuff said……………..

Cool news to come from the Armada gig at the East Brunswick Club last night: Jeff Martin, Canadian songwriter of note, previously of Ireland, has landed in Australia as a full-time resident. Although the travelling troubadour said he didn’t know just how much time he’d get to spend here.

The gig itself, being recorded, was damn fine, although the amount of inane crowd chatter during and between songs could be a headache for the final cut.

Martin, with Wayne Sheehy on percussion and Jay Cortez on bass (and other bits ‘n’ bobs, such as mandolin and harmonica), was in fine fettle for the two-hour performance in a hot, cramped venue offering superb sound. Seated mid-stage throughout in black shirt and jeans, he paraded a host of instruments during the night, including a hurdy gurdy, esraj, oud (won in a Cairo poker game) and theremin, as well as mainstay Gibson guitars, a classic Les Paul and an Australian-made 12-string.

The set list, similar to last year’s tour with familiar banter, ranged from Tea Party favourites such as Sister Awake and The Bazaar, to his signature solo tune, The Kingdom (album review here), again dedicated to Victoria’s Black Saturday bushfires, and Armada tunes. He again offered crafty blends of NIN’s Hurt and Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart, and Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love.

One highlight was Coming Home, given extra gusto by his announcement of a move to Oz, and the closing encore song, Black Snake Blues, with Cortez on slide guitar.

In Sheehy and Cortez, Martin has found ideal complements, and, combined with the regularity of his touring, must bode well for the Armada’s future. Or so I hope.
]]> http://darkyoda69.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/partnership-whats-this-mean/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 04:22:10 +0000 darkyoda69 http://darkyoda69.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/partnership-whats-this-mean/

Partnership is something two people agree to be in with one another,this means there is no you now you say us this also means that you have agreed to be with you’re partner for better or for worst this mean when the hard times rain down upon you that you will say with you’re partner no run away because you love and honor and respect you’re partner this is not something you should get into if you really do not want to be there if you do not want it and you force you’re self into it the only thing you will get from this is hurting you’re self and you’re partner this agreement between two people is not to be played with if this is what you want then do it for the right reasons and you will always be happy in the life you have laid out for you’re self to many people take partnership to lightly and many end up getting hurt and that is not how it is to be done this is something you do cause you love someone more then they ever known,partnership has meaning and should not be played with by anyone only get into it if you are ready and willing to do everything that comes with it please do not miss use this you only hurt people and you’re self nothing good comes from it …….