“Without totally going off the wall here, it is embarrassing to the game,” linebacker Ray Lewis said.

“Terrible,” Ed Reed told reporters. “Nothing to take away from anybody else’s job, but at some point, we have to be better about that. This game has evolved too much not to be precise when there is a spot, when there is a penalty, when anything is going on on this field. We’re too smart as human beings.

Yup this is what happens when the Baltimore Ravens lose a football game. They bitch and moan like a 16 year old girl whose father won’t let her borrow the Jetta to go to the houseparty on the other side of town. In case you didn’t hear the previously UNDEFEATED Ravens lost to the Patriots yesterday 27-21, and could have won if Mark Clayton’s hands weren’t dipped in cement. But instead of tarring and feathering their crappy wide receiving corp (other than Derrek Mason), the Ravens are going the easy route, pissing and moaning about the refs. But then again this is Baltimore we are talking about here, they probably take their football pretty seriously since they have nothing else down there including: respectable baseball teams, women, and jobs.

Hey guess what? YOU LOST. Your high flying offense of Joe Flacco and Todd Heap was no where near as good as everyone thought it was, and you only stayed in the game because Terrell Suggs mauled Brady for a defensive TD. That’s what happens when your QB played for the University of Delaware. And those penalties that you are all whining and complaining about? You deserved every yard of them. Suggs went after Brady in a move that looked eerily reminiscent of Pollard’s sack of Brady last year. But you say they shouldn’t call that? ITS THE FUCKING RULES, IF ANY OF YOU CLOWNS COULD READ I WOULD TELL YOU TO PICK UP THE RULE BOOK AND GLANCE AT IT. BUT THAT WOULD BE LIKE ASKING A DEAF PERSON TO EXPLAIN THE TEMPO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SLAYER AND STYXX. And the Patriots would like to personally thank all the loud mouthed douchebags on the sidelines that had to mouth off so much that the refs actually penalized the bench prompting Phil Simms to say “I don’t think I’ve ever seen that happen”. John Harbaugh they say that leaders need to teach by example. If you are anything like your team, you must be like Kim Jong Il, completely devoid of rational thought and hated by the rest of the world. Only difference is that Il doesn’t have an older brother that is infinitely more talented than he is. Great job assrag. To the entire Ravens team, the rest of the league enjoys all of the fines that you will inevitably accrue from your crying after the game. Jerry Jones plans on adding a new gold encrusted toilet seat in his luxury box with your money, and Al Davis is going to extend his life by another 1200 years. So thanks for that.

But anyways the Ravens have never beaten the Patriots, like ever and this game was no different. The real Wes Welker showed up, Sammy Morris awoke from his slumber to run through Haloita Ngata’s fat gut. The offense finally looked like an offense that could scare defenses, Brady looked comfortable, and wasn’t hobbling around like a gimp. And the defense, oh the defense, how nasty can you be. Merriweather may not be the smartest safety in the world, hell he went to the U, but who else can completely cover a blown assignment by sprinting completely across field to swat away a pass. And the Jets are not going 16-0. Thank you Mark Sanchez, your -1 points in fantasy football really helped me out, thats what I get for picking up a Jet.

Oh and Rodney Harrison, I appreciate your need to get your name out there by saying completely idiotic things, but seriously keep Tom’s name out of your mouth.

“Book: Williams’ head abused at facility”

After I stopped giggling at the endless dick jokes running through my head I read the story.

“In “Frozen,” Larry Johnson, a former executive at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., writes that Williams’ head, which had been severed and frozen for storage, was abused at the facility. Johnson claims a technician took baseball-like swings at Williams’ frozen head with a monkey wrench.“

Whoa. Red Sox Nations best non steroid enhanced player is having his head knocked around with a monkey wrench? Seriously, I can’t imagine someone at a job like that saying to a coworker “oh lets take Ted Williams head out and play baseball with it” It sounds like a bad Itchy and Scratchy cartoon. Isn’t it bad enough that his jerkoff son had his noggin removed and frozen? I know the lab was in Phoenix but this makes me want to take a giant steaming shit on Babe Ruth’s grave just to even the score.

Update #1 h/t to Deadspin: “

Johnson writes that holes were drilled in Williams’ severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams’ brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit.

Johnson writes that the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case.

Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removed Williams’ head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench.

The technician, no .406 hitter like the baseball legend, missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams’ head directly, spraying “tiny pieces of frozen head” around the room.”

I want to break something…..

Update: The B’s are down 4-0. It is now safe to turn your TV back to the Office.

Update #2: Pam is continuing her torpedoing of the Office. Is it wrong that I wish her character dies during childbirth?

Update #3: No it is not wrong. It is a necessity. SAVE THE SHOW

Last night as I was perusing my Facebook feed I noticed a disproportionate number of my Red Sox fans complaining about the Red Sox game last night. In case you were like most of us and skipped it, you missed Josh Beckett missing a start and saw instead the craptastically ineffective performance of one Michael Bowden. The Blue Jays spanked the Sox all over the place, but please remember, the Wild Card is basically locked up, we have a 99.9% chance of making the playoffs and if we lose one game WHO THE HELL CARES. So for all of you out worry-warts out there, including those morons at Boston Dirt Dogs, here are some things to worry about instead:

* A Kansas City sports team making the playoffs
* The inevitable Saddam Hussein zombie led invasion and destruction of the whole world
* Waiting for Khloe Kardasian and Lamar Odom’s 50th wedding anniversary
* Any of the Mass Hysteria writers being sainted by the Catholic church
* Rocco Baldelli playing more than two games in a week
* Catching SuperSwineAIDS
* The Detroit Lions actually winning a ga…hhhhhhh shit
*BC playing Florida in the Rose Bowl. And David Shinskie actually outdueling Tim Tebow in the fourth quarter
* Raquel or Sh!tshow will ever post on Mass Hysteria ever again, and prove to the world that in fact GHABBY, SB and HZMLS are the worst writers in the history of the blogs
* Norman Chad writes GHABBY a Christmas Card. (Oh yeah the Couch Slouch actually emailed us, hopefully more on this to come)
* Natty Light becomes my favorite beer
* Joey Galloway tops the 100 catch mark.
* Canada invades and takes over the United States

And seriously, did you want Josh Beckett out there? DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THREE DAYS AGO??? Here in case you are suffering from short term amnesia, I will give you a picture reminder.

So in conclusion, yeah please pitch Hunter Jones, Michael Bowden, Devern Hansack, Pat Rapp and all the other crap you have in the pen. As long as our starters aren’t getting hurt it doesn’t matter. But hell tonight, Clay Buchholz is starting for the Red Sox against Ed Romero so you should have your slam dunk win. So no more worrying, the champagne will be popped tonight, but please for my sanity no more line drives off our starters.

Dear Junior Seau,

Pissing off a bull and taunting it is probably a bad idea. Yes, actually its a terrible idea. Those long pointy things sticking out of its head? Those are horns, and contrary to popular believe, they can actually go through a human being’s torso. I can’t imagine a stupider sport than trying to avoid a pissed off and already irritable bull. You probably deserved your trampling. Maybe you should have just stuck to surfing pal. See you in a few weeks when Adalius Thomas breaks his arm, and Bill Belichick realizes that Gary Guyton isn’t very good.

~HZMLS

h/t to reader Alana G for the higher quality video (SEE WE HAVE READERS!!!)

TB: Great game there kid, what did you say your name was again? Mitch something?

MR: Hiya Tom! Wow I can’t believe I am meeting you!!!!!!!! No my name is Matt…Matt Ryan, I played football down the street from here only two years ago. Gosh Tom Brady. How neat!

TB: Really? That’s cool. I didn’t know there was another football team around here.

MR. Um, well I played for Boston College, you know the Eagles?

TB: Is that same as American Eagle? I modeled underwear for them once.

MR: No. It’s a college football team.

TB: College? Oh that was the SHIT! That’s the time of my life where I held a clipboard, drank lots of mint mojitos, and banged more chicks than Hugh Hefner!

MR: Yea, I spent my entire college career with one girl and studying in the library. Well congratulations on the win. You guys played well.

TB: Thanks, and we would have done better if my receivers didn’t drop so many fucking balls.

MR: Well give them a break, Joey Galloway is older than Bill Belichick, and Julian Edelman was playing quarterback at Kent State last year.

TB: Yeah, I guess I should give that Little Heeb a break. And isn’t it one of those Jaimie holidays today? Isn’t it Hunnakah or something?

MR: Yom Kippur. You know that holiday where Jewish people aren’t allowed to eat?

TB: So wait that scrawny SOB is going to NOT eat for another week? Jesus Christ. How many scrawny white receivers is Belichick going to give me?

MR: You should have seen my receivers at Boston College. I think one of our wide receivers wrestles now in the Mexican Luchador Wrestling League under the name “El Camaron”. I mean seriously do you know what that means?…….. Nevermind.

TB: Before you leave, one quick thing, I hear you were named a more attractive quarterback than me. Is that true?

MR: I guess so. I don’t bother reading the internet, I have games to prepare for.

TB: WELL I DID, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS FUCKING SHIT. HAVE YOU EVER BANGED A SUPERMODEL?

MR: Um, no.

TB: Ever give a movie starlet the good ole hot beef injection?

MR: Nope.

TB: ARE YOU A FUCKING VIRGIN?

MR: Well, I am saving myself for marriage because premarital intercourse is a sin, so yes.

TB: GGAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.YOU ARE A GODDAMN NFL QUARTERBACK, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LIVE UP TO. NOW GET OUT THERE AND SPREAD YOUR SEED. OK BOY? BY THE TIME WE PLAY YOU AGAIN IN THREE YEARS I WANT TO SEE LOTS OF LITTLE MATT RYANS RUNNING AROUND EVERY STATE IN THE US AND ONE IN JAPAN AND THE UNITED KINGDOM YOU GOT IT?

MR: Sure.

Good morning folks, happy Friday ya’ll. That means only one thing, only one more day until the first ever Mass Hysteria tailgating debauchery fest at Boston College! Bong!! Anyways, most of us still have at least one more day of work to get through before we can let loose and get thrown out of Alumni Stadium for streaking. But oh boy I can’t wait for some good ole Pumpkin beer (let the jokes ensue). Last night the Red Sox took another step towards their inevitable date with the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles. Which has got to make you excited because we all know what kind of luck the Halos have had in the playoffs against the Red Sox.

In the final game of a four game series against the Royals the Sox won again 10-3. I haven’t had a chance to say this on this blog but, thank Christ Theo did not do what the masses demanded and traded Clay Buchholz. He is awesome, I mean like really awesome. Last night in 6 IP Clay had 8 Ks, and his outting was worth watching the game. I may be a bit presumptious but whatever they tweaked in the minors is working, watch his changeup, he looks almost like a Pedro Martinez circa 1999. I get douche-chills when he pitches, because honestly if he is on, we have the best 3 in baseball hands down.

Most importantly the Magic number is down to three, and like Smarty Barrett I have a music video to go along with it, more to do with what is going to happen in a few weeks than anything:

In between watching the game I watched the Office, which was honestly pretty good. The Pam and Jim shit which I have bitched about on numerous occasions was kept to a minimum, which of course will make the quality of the episode that much better. At this point those two should get their own spinoff and put it on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel, because that is basically what they bring to the table. Oh they are so cute, Pam is pregnant and Jim needs money for the baby! The Office is the wrong format to have this type of storyline, if they put the “Pam and Jim” show on Hallmark the audience can watch with postmenopausal glee as Pam picks out her dress, the reception hall, the guest list and all the other minutia crap that is taking time away from Dwight, Michael, Toby and Ryan.

BOSTON – A sign near a construction zone in Boston was catching the attention of drivers and pedestrians this weekend.

On Sunday night, the computerized sign on Massachusetts Avenue near Symphony Hall told drivers to “EXPECT DELAYS,” followed with a message that said “SUCKS TO BU”

Zing. See what happens when you win the National Championship? Eagles fans hijack a sign, a sign that was meant to protect you, and filled it with childish jokes. What I don’t understand is that somehow my decapitating the terrier near the stadium and pissing in its neck hole didn’t make the news, but this did. Friggin liberal media.

The Actual Game: Maybe I got my hopes up a little too high after watching BC dismantle Kent State and Northeastern, but I was expecting a lot more out of our offense. To put it gently our offense was pitiful. The offensive line was smacked around, the QBs looked completely overwhelmed and our running backs could never get out of the backfield. Justin Tuggle BC’s main QB went 4 for 20 with 1 TD and 2 INT. ***VOMITS***. Dan Shinskie couldn’t hold onto the ball and spent his time in the game tripping over his offensive linemen. I can not describe how overmatched the BC offensive line was thoughWe had 2 yards at halftime. 2 F’N YARDS. 1 first down, and a very despondent me. BC allowed one touchdown on a punt return, and like 234 field goals, so the defense was pretty solid even when Tuggle and Co had them backed up like every god damn series. This game was about as unwatchable as it gets, when you include that there were two hour long delays for rain. What the hell are rain delays during a football game?

Preview for Next Week: For the first time eva the entire active crew of Mass Hysteria will be attending a Boston College game. GHABBY can snicker at the “tailgating” efforts, and compare us to every other college that is infinitely superior to ours. SmartyBarrett can see what a tailgate actually looks like, and I can stalk Matt Ryan because I know he is going to be at that game, and I will find him, and I will violate my restraining order. Oh Matty, you are so awesome, and even though I want to see the Patriots win a part of me will be rooting for you. There will be much debauchery, so stay tuned! Hopefully I will remember enough of what happens to report back to you all

“We needed more direction,” Bucs coach Raheem Morris said in an early-afternoon news conference. “We needed more precision. [We weren't] getting it at the time, so you make the change.”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What couldn’t put together a gameplan to make Byron Leftwich successful? I can just imagine two Bucs receivers crashing into each other during practice, and a fourth string linebacker out of Youngstown State snuffing Cadillac Williams for a 5 yard loss on consecutive plays.

Enjoy sitting on your ass this season pal.

July: .231 AVG .367 OBP (BWAH??) .369 SLG
August: .135 AVG .233 OBP .250 SLG
September: .130 AVG .200 OBP .174 SLG

I predict by October, Varitek will have forgotten how to swing a bat, and will stand in the batters box and just hold his bat out praying that the ball miraculously hits his bat. And as SmartyBarrett mentioned earlier, he lost Heidi Watney to Nick Green. NICK GREEN. That’s gotta be like the captain of the football team losing the cheerleader to the President of the Chess Club. But remember good ole Captain has a player option next year and when he realizes that no other team wants a washed up catcher, he is going to exercise his option. Yeah Tek!

Holy crap. I mean jesus. First game of the year and we are treated to this gem of a game. True the Patriots did not look as crisp as you would expect, especially against a team like Buffalo that they had previously beaten 11 times in a row. The running game and defense was very shaky but hey a win is a win, and when your quarterback has just returned from having his knee shattered, I think there is a lot of good to take out of this one.

Lessons learned:

1. Tom Brady is back. Well sort of. No matter what Ron Jaworski crooned about last night, Brady did not look like 2007 Tom Brady. Jaws loved to show slow motion replays of Brady (probably to stare at his perfect body…well that’s what I was doing)but the passes he was throwing wobbled, were too high or behind his receivers, or he missed them all together. But being his first game Brady deserves a pass on that, plus he THREW TWO FRIGGIN TOUCHDOWNS IN TWO MINUTES.

2. I love the throwback jerseys both teams were wearing, the Pat Patriot jerseys were much missed, but what the hell were the refs wearing? I understand thats the old school ref jerseys, but they looked like Creamsicles, or even worse Michael Stipe as Captain Scrummy in Pete and Pete (thank SB for the reference)
3. Ben Watson can successfully complete a game without: dropping a pass, getting hurt, or vanishing. In fact he played so well that we can all forget that we wasted an entire draft pick on Alex Smith, and traded the non-Wendys Dave Thomas to the Saints. Now it is time to see if Mr. Watson can do this in more than one game this season.

4. Prepare yourself for insane ramblings about the new rules about roughing the passer. I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF ALL THESE GODDAMN YELLOW FLAGS FOR TOUCHING A QUARTERBACK. TRENT EDWARDS HAD THE BALL IN HIS GODDAMN HAND AS THEY WERE TACKLING HIM! YES I KNOW TOM F’N BRADY GOT HURT LAST YEAR FOR A LOW BLOW BUT I DON’T FUCKING CARE, THIS IS FOOTBALL FOR CHRISTS SAKES NOT SOCCER. I WANT TO SEE UNCENSORED VIOLENCE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

5. I don’t care about Jay Leno’s show, and I don’t think many other people will either after the initial shock and awe effect wears off. Please stop interrupting every show with your big butt chin and stupid jokes. Your show is going to fail at 10pm, because I think most people who are watching TV are going to watch anything but your lame ass monologues. Oh Kanye West and Taylor Swift are fighting! How topical!

6. Jerod Mayo’s injury makes me a sad Panda. It seemed that after Mayo went to the sidelines with the knee injury, Fred Jackson turned into Maurice Jones Freaking Drew. I mean jesus this is Fred Jackson, who I don’t know if Al and Cris mentioned this enough played in NFL EUROPE TWO YEARS AGO. How are we going to stop a good running back? Luckily we only have to face Thomas Jones next week.

7. Randy Moss is >>>>>>>>> than Terrell Owens. At points during last nights game I forgot that TO was even on the Bills. I heard that afternoon that some scout thought Owens is starting to look and play old, and if he is going to only catch 2 passes the whole game and get nailed for Offensive Pass Interference, they may be right. He totally deserves the non stop publicity storm that follows him and feeds his ego. Like ESPN’s two minute montage of TO mouthing off to refs, fans, Jeff Garcia, his mom, the Pope, Tim Tebow and Megan Fox. Moss on the other hand is still Randy Moss, and I still love him. No homo.

8. Laurence Maroney is still Laurence Maroney. At least he didn’t get hurt?

9. What the heck is the deal with the cheerleaders? It was 70 degrees out and they are completely covered from head to toe. Don’t they realize that their sole purpose as a cheerleader is to arouse the crowd with hand stands and split that show off just a little less than a stripper at the Foxy Lady.

10. There is NO WAY this team is going 16-0. Just saying. Oh yeah and evidently Tom Brady can say no to a chick. Don’t worry Suzy, Broadway Joe’s offer is still on the table.

So back to Saturday’s Game against Kent State. I know nothing about Kent State other than a bunch of hippies were killed there by the National Guard in the 60′s, and Super Jew and current Patriot Julian Edelman played there. I had no expectations that they were going to put up any semblance of a fight, but I was more curious which quarterback would emerge from BC. More importantly than the game, this was going to be my first tailgate of the season, what to drink, what to eat? Would I even remember the game?

Weather: Shitty and wet. Unlike most BC fans skipping the game was not an option, bad weather or not I was going to man through it. Seriously, I should have taken a picture of the stadium, it was about 50% full no wonder BC fans get a bad rap.

Tailgate Food: Meatball Subs and Lasagna. What says BC tailgate better than a heaping bowl of artery clogging cheese and Italian food. My mother in law is a great cook, and mixing Italian food with beer is something that would make Jesus smile. In one single meal there was enough food to make GHABBY (diabetus), SmartyBarrett (wheatard) and Raquel (hippie) sick. Mix in some Italian subs, cookies from Henry’s market in Beverly, and Seven Layer bars and I am pretty sure that I carved out two years of my life in one sitting.

Tailgate Drink: Today was a mixture of Sam Adams Boston Lager and Red Dog. Yes, Red Dog. You may remember Red Dog as that beer that existed in the early 1990′s with the cool fat Bulldog that was NOT AT ALL AIMED AT UNDERAGED DRINKERS. Many a people asked “That still exists, I haven’t seen that in a liquor store in years”. But oh it exists on the North Shore, like all of us who have ever lived on the North Shore, Red Dog can not escape. My sister- in- law is still a student, and this has become the beer of choice among her group of friends. I was a little skeptical at first but actually if you were going to drink shitty light beer, Red Dog isn’t that bad. Especially if you drink it out of a flabongo.
Yes a flabongo. Its like a funnel, but made out of a flamingo lawn ornament and totally not gay at all. Basically how it works is a company sawed off the legs and beak, you pour the beer in the belly, put your mouth around the beak and drink mutha fuka! See what sucks about getting older, or at least drinking 5 beers before this, was that I really struggled to chug the beer. In fact about a quarter of it ended up coming out of my nose onto the ground, which made Mrs.HZMLS call me a “loser” for not being able to finish it. She tried it right after me and did a whole beer, which of course made me feel like less of a man. Rightly so.

The Actual Game: Today’s pregame did not get me into a state where I fogged out during the whole game (it’s happened in the past). BC mopped the floor with Kent State, both quarterbacks Justin Tuggle and Dan Skinskie (who is now 25) did reasonably well. I’m not going to bore you with details, but BC won 34-7. It wasn’t much of a game. Richie Gunnell who must be in his 9th season for BC scored two touchdowns, and the only low point of the game was that Kent State scored on the last drive of the game against the 2nd string BC defense (the first points BC allowed all season).

During the game, Mark Herzlich was trolling the sidelines. If you don’t remember Herzy is the linebacker that many projected to go first round this year to the NFL, but doctors discovered Ewing’s Sarcoma in his knee and now he is out, and he has been battling through chemo and radiation treatments at Mass General. But the guy is a freak, my god he is going through horrific shit I can’t imagine, and there he is still bench pressing 200 pounds plus and doing leg lifts of 350. Jesus Christ. But anyways BC was selling shirts to raise money for Ewing’s Sarcoma, so I bought one of these (it’s hard to see in the pic, but the Eagle has Herzy’s eye black on). My shirt will look a little different because by the end of the year it will be soaked in beer, tears and shame.

After the Game: More tailgating. Now I am not naive enough to think that BC tailgating is anything special. In fact I would like to thank the residents of Brighton and Newton for making tailgating so difficult. But anyways, hit up some more Red Bull ate some more food and fell asleep on the car ride back. Went home drank some nice scotch, and watched USC beat Ohio State before falling asleep again. What a Saturday, that is exactly what the fall is all about.

Next week: at Clemson. Can BC actually pick a quarterback? Can they actually beat a Division 1 football program?

Hi guys! My name is Francine, I live in the most beautiful, green, scenic city in all of Massachusetts. Revere!!!! I ran into GHABBY at Kelly’s Roast Beef and he talked to me about this here blog. Well I was intrigued and offered to write for the blog, because I have never actually seen a computer before, let alone a blog. I offered GHABBY a handjob in the bathroom for the opportunity (he declined I guess he has a girlfriend, that has never stopped me before, but he seemed to find everything I find funny so I stopped), but when I told him I could show him a dead body, GHABBY jumped at the opportunity. SO HERE IT GOES!!!

Colts vs Jaguars. I have to go with the Jaguars here, because one time I got a promotion at Hooters when I blew my boss in his Jaguar in the parking lot. Don’t laugh, I am Plus Peyton Manning reminds me of my dad, we had a relationship that was kind of complicated. Well my psychiatrist says that its not a good idea to talk about him, look at pictures of him, or be around people that look like him. Hold on I need to pop a Xanax or 15.

****ahhhhh much better*****

Detroit vs Saints. I don’t really know alot about football, but I know that Detroit is like the Wonderland of the NFL. It’s dirty, gross, and only people really down on their luck go there. My younger brother lost my parents house there on a horse named “Lucky Lucy”, he got his life back together, now look at him. I’m so proud

Plus I love New Orleans, one time I hitchhiked down there (think my hair looks big now, you should have seen it then!). Well I got down there, and ended up carrying a baby that looked like a mix between a rhinoceros and Gollum. Thank god I was quick enough to leave it on the steps of the Revere fire department. GO SAINTS!!

Philadelphia vs Carolina. Though Carolina is my favorite state, I am going to have to go with the Eagles on this one. I don’t get why Mikey Vick is getting all this trouble, I mean all the hombres in my neighborhood fight dogs and its wicked fun! I get paid to go in my bra and undies and hold a sign, and the doggies are soooooo cute. I like the Eagles!! WOOHHOOOO

Miami vs Atlanta. I am going to go with Atlanta on this one. One time I went Miami during SPRING BREAK (I know I didn’t go to college, but strippers need a break too!). Let me tell you, Revere Beach is so much prettier than Miami. I saw all these skanky girls down there, and I was not impressed. Plus none of the men had facial hair let alone chest hair, helllooo gold chains anyone, what are you poor? Plus what is with the lack of cologne? So yeah, I am going to go with the Atlanta Braves. Tomahawk chop!

Patriots vs Buffalo Bills. Oh my gawd. I fuckin’ love the Pats, you should totally see me in my Chris Slade jersey, I look wicked hot! Plus when I’m at work at the Cabaret (the same one in GHABBY’s columns, thanks for the free ad!!!) Plus that Terrell Owens show? Umm not that great, I mean can it really hold a candle to I Love NY, or Flavor of Love. Um no. So yeah, I get moist just thinking of Tommy Brady. I can just imagine, his big hands rubbing up against my leopard print leotard, oh my god. Wait what was I talking about???

Well I’m off, time to hit up Club Caravan, all those Brazilian boys were asking about me last weekend!

Where the hell is Richard Seymour??

* So yeah, Richard Seymour still hasn’t reported to the Raiders, which might eventually lead to the voiding of the trade. Al Davis has already sent him a letter, threatened to expose Seymour’s D in 9th grade Spanish, and a corny love letter to Tina Blatts in 10th grade. I heard JT The Brick on NESN last night, and he thinks the Patriots are low brow and we hurt Seymours feelings, and what kind of loyalty are we showing Seymour for all his hard work? Hey Guess what “Brick”, football is a business, sure Kraft could have shown a little more tact in the matter, but when Al Davis gives you an absolutely insane offer, you take it. Now Richard, stop crying and get your ass over to Oakland.

* The Red Sox did not play last night. BOOOOOOOOOOO. But on the other hand Dice K pitched for Single A and looked pretty good. Then again he is pitching against players that are one step above Beer Leagues and whatever the hell that league is that SmartyBarrett plays in. The Sox still don’t have a number four, with Wakefield’s back acting up, and Byrd always one pitch away from being absolutely smoked. But then again we still have to actually MAKE the playoffs before we can set our rotation.

Well that’s it folks, feels good to be back, have a great Friday.

Age: 42

Government Experience: None

Party: Republican

Resume:

1992-2000
Pitcher
Philadelphia Phillies
* Kept small children away from John Kruk’s mouth
* Prevented Mitch Williams from swallowing lethal amount of Draino after Game 7 of the 1993 World Series
* From my expert knowledge of the economy I gave Lenny Dykstra the tools to set up his financial empire
*I was awesome

2000-2003
Pitcher
Arizona Diamondbacks
*Taught Randy Johnson how to read and write his name
* After losing Cy Young to him two years in row, told him his best career move would be to play on the big stage in New York.
* I was awesome

2004-2007
Pitcher
Boston Red Sox
* Brokered my own trade over turkey dinner with Theo. Trade consisted of myself for: Brandon Lyon’s left arm, the rotting corpse of Casey Fossum and an IOU for a cup of Legal Seafood Clam Chowder.
*From October 2004 to 2007 I overcame more adversity than Lance Armstrong, Helen Keller and Anne Frank combined. Did you see the color of my sock?
*Broke Red Sox record of most Dunkin Donut munchkins eaten in a day with 345 beating Rich Garces’s previous record 0f 327.
* I was awesome

2003-present
Mage
Level 94
World of Warcraft
* started really playing in 2007 to get myself in shape for the 2007 baseball season
* defeated the darklord in Azeroth, only needing the Blue Sword of Truth and the Pangean Shield of Courage to win
* Pwned a n00b PK in the woods after he slayed my blood brother Hotstud696969
* I was awesome

———————————————————————————————-

Pro: Semi automatic rifles, John McCain, blog posts over 3000 words, my 2009 Hummer, this burger:

Anti: the gays, Randy Johnson, evolution, A-rabs, Michael Moore, skin cancer.

*Texas won again. Woopedity shit. How a team with Scott Feldman as their #2 starter is challenging the Red Sox is beyond me. Then again they have Nefatali Feliz in their bullpen, who happens to be jaw droppingly awesome. 29 Strikeouts in 22 innings, batters are hitting .101 against him, and rightys are hitting .028 against him. Yes .028, thats like SmartyBarrett’s average hitting on girls at bars.

* Obama had his big address on Health Care last night, and of course I missed it to watch the Sox game instead. I guess the big moment of the night involved Joseph Wilson of South Carolina, who yelled out “You Lie” at Obama during his discussion on illegal immigrant coverage. Raquel once warned me not to get into politics on this blog so I’m not going to go on any diatribe involving politics, or healthcare, but that was a pretty classless move douche. He’s the president of the United States for godsakes, the leader of our country. Suck my balls.

* Derek Jeter tied Lou Gehrig for the all time lead in hits in Yankees history. Though in the past I have had issues with his defense, and he has slammed more models than I ever will meet in my life, Jeter has completely shut me up this year. With ARod being hurt, and not putting up the numbers he did last year, Jeter has led the Spankees to an imminent AL East championship. And personally they scare the shit out of me going into the playoffs. Congratulations Derek Jeter. I hope you celebrated by going out and banging Scarlett Johannsen or Jessica Biel.

David Ortiz: “You should receive a FedEx package from Signature Pharmacy at your house. It is NOT a wedding present. Upon receiving it, please meet me at the Starbucks on Harvard Ave. Make sure that you’re not being watched.”

Matt Ryan: “HZMLS is getting married? Does that mean that he’s going to stop sending me locks of hair and amputated toes in the mail in envelopes doused in Brut cologne? Cause, not gonna lie, that last one that he sent before the Arizona playoff game completely freaked me out.”

Kevin Garnett: “Wait…a beautiful, intelligent, insanely cool woman is marrying…you? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!”

Fred Taylor: “Take it from me: be careful on your wedding day. You can pull your groin in such simple tasks as walking down the aisle, cutting the wedding cake, sitting upright, or doing the Electric Slide.”

Jim Koch, President of Samuel Adams: “After receiving your multitude of letters, and despite your coming nuptials, I regret to inform you that your repeated suggestions of new Samuel Adams beers containing blueberries, boysenberries, pomegranetes and kiwis will not be part of our 2009 Fall new beer release. That said, we at Samuel Adams wish you nothing but the best in your wedded endeavors, and, should you ever decide to drink beers without high doses of estrogen, we have a wide selection of the world’s finest beers to help celebrate your wedded bliss.”

Dominique Davis: “Congrats on your…..” (message incomplete)

Tom Brady: “Your wife isn’t a supermodel, is she? No? Still, I’ve heard she’s still quite attractive, so tell her that if she ever wants a real man, to give the ol’ Tomster a call. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg sends his best.”

Hazel Mae: “I moved to New York simply due to your creepy tendency to hide outside my apartment and write erotic slash fiction about me, so I’m glad to hear that you are now legally bound to a woman who could possibly prevent you from further violating the restraining order I have out against you. Oh, and for the record, the landing strip is gone, as I found a place that does fantastic bikini waxes in Flushing.”

Ted Johnson: “What? Wedding? Who? Where am I? Where are my shoes?”

Dustin Pedroia: “You’re not marrying a 13 year old boy, are you? Whew. Let’s just say that my family has had problems with that recently.”

Bill Simmons: “Your wedding reminds me of that scene in Almost Famous where I tried to become the GM of the Timberwolves with Blueboy and House, and then randomly adopted a soccer team before ignoring them for two years and then picking them back up again. My wedding present to you is 17-weeks of horribly-picked NFL games that I got from my friend Jimmy, whose show I used to write for and who will be on my podcast that you should listen to. All of this will be explained in my book, which is like that scene in Teen Wolf where they crawl out of Shawshank with a rock hammer. Buy my book, out October 27th!”

Heidi Watney: “I sure love married men. Give me a call.”

Mark Herzlich: “You’re getting married? Wow, that must be fun. Way more fun than having fucking cancer eating away at your insides, causing unimaginable pain. Enjoy your filet mignon and champagne while I undergo intensive chemo, you insensitive douche.”

Seriously buddy, congrats, and apologies in advance for sticking my penis in your wedding cake while loudly proclaiming myself “Ferdinand Frostingcock” in front of your entire family.

Why the Giants will win the NFC East. Last year the Giants flopped big time, much to the glee of the writers here at Mass Hysteria. In fact the whole season was one giant “Fuck You” from god to the G-Men. First Osi HumanUrine was lost for the season, then Plaxico Burress almost blew his leg off, and finally the Giants got stomped in the playoffs. Ahhhh that felt good writing that. But anyways, the Giants are back, mostly healthy and with everyone healthy their defense is strong enough compete against anyone, even with a quarterback with down syndrome. That’s what you get when you have a mack truck as your running back.

Why the Giants will not win the NFC East Most of America was happy when Corky from Life Goes On threw a miracle pass that David Tyree had no business catching, but last year showed what Eli was really made of. Now that he doesn’t have Plax, who is going to throw to? Steve Smith (the one who sucks)? Domenik Hixon? Mario Manningham? Plus with the subtraction of Derrick Ward, a lot of pressure will be on Brandon Jacobs to do more than just run over 10 defenders at the goal line. Plus, I fucking hate the Giants. So that’s gotta count for something, right?

Why the Cowboys will win the NFC East Even with the loss of Terrell Owens, the Cowboys still have a pretty solid offense. Marion Barber and Felix Jones should provide a great one-two punch on the ground and prevent Tony Romo from making his trademark two-three stupid throws a game. Also the Cowboys have a new stadium, that cost Jerry Jones over a billion dollars to build, so you have got to assume that for that price rockets from space would shoot lasers that could incapacitate the other teams star player. Plus Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson, so we won’t have to watch that giggling no talent whale hopping up and down at Cowboys games, and that’s a plus.

Why the Cowboys will not win the NFC East True he was a giant distraction, but TO forced opponents to focus on him, which made other lesser players better. Now TO is gone, and Roy Williams will be the teams number one go to guy. Plus the Cowboys traded away their first two draft picks for him, so they really couldn’t add much during the draft. The defense was pretty middle of the road, and they lost the other Roy Williams (addition by subtraction), but a mediocre defense won’t help during games that Tony Romo throws 5 picks and misses wide open receivers.

Why the Redskins will win the NFC East : This is a tough one, because there is no f’n way the Skins win the East. I guess if Coach JankySpanky runs for 200 yards a game, and the defense stops opponents cold, they could win. Santana Moss caught over 1000 yards worth of Jason Campbell passes last season, and somehow the Skins did pretty well against the NFC East, so they could catch lightening in a bottle. But I doubt it.

Why the Redskins will not win the NFC East They aren’t a very good football team. Jason Campbell is good at being a slow immobile, quarterback who vanishes against good defenses. Clinton Portis, when healthy is the best running back in football, but he seems to stay completely healthy for about four weeks a season. Plus after reading Chris Cooley’s blog last year, it was clear that he has a tiny pecker. And no team with a tight end with a miniscule pecker can win their division.

Why the Eagles will win the NFC East This team is deep. They have two excellent running backs in Brian Westbrook and Lesean McCoy, an explosive wide receiver in DeSean Jackson, and I don’t know if you heard, but they signed Michael Vick. I guess this guy isn’t very too nice to animals, I’m not sure if you heard that. Plus even after their defensive coordinator was signed by Vince Lombardi to run his defense, the Iggles D is great. Against three other very flawed teams Philly has a greater chance of winning the East then Hank Baskett’s marriage does of succeeding.

Why the Eagles will not win the NFC East If Andy Reid’s crazy ass sons continue to sell meth and carry glocks, then Reid could be distracted going into this season. Plus if McNabb gets hurt and the Eagles are forced to start Vick, that doesn’t look good because the only running Vick has done in the past two years is trying to not get his chocolate starfish drilled by a white skinhead named Bubba. Brian Westbrook looks like he has aged thirty years in 12 months, and McCoy is an unknown.

HZMLS’s Pick to Win the NFC East: The Philadelphia Iggles, they are a complete package. Haha, I said package. It will be interesting to see how they use Ookie, but even if he contributes nothing to this team, I still think they are pretty good. Plus, FUCK THE GIANTS.

Smarty Barrett’s Pick to Win the NFC East: The New York Giants. The Eagles season starts off well, but then Michael Vick hears McNabb call DeSean Jackson “dawg”. Vick proceeds to hook electrodes up to Jackson before drowning him in a bathtub, removing the Eagles biggest receiving threat from the equation. Also, Andy Reid is not a good coach.

“You know, Michael is an outstanding player,’’ said Belichick. “He hasn’t played in a couple years, but right now our focus is on our team and our players, trying to get the New England Patriots ready. That’s really where my attention has been, but he’s a tremendous athlete.’’

Oh great, after Spygate, Harrison, Belichick, Manny and Ortiz all Boston needs is this. Please for the love of crap say the Patriots are not thinking of signing Ookie aka Ron Mexico aka Snoopy’s worst nightmare, aka Lock Up Your Dogs. I am all about giving a guy a second chance, but the way the Patriots have been a run the past few years keeping out sociopaths might be a good idea.Jesus Christ, signing Michael Vick would put Boston in upper stratosphere of sports douchiness, in our athletes alone. Hey while we are at it Plexico Burress is still unsigned, and we could always save Pacman Jones from the career suicide of the UFL, and while we are at Stephon Marbury’s crazy ass is still looking for a deal (but then again his internet career is skyrocketing!).

Then again this is the trade deadline in baseball. And hopefully we will keep you posted if anything happens

It’s the Sunday that Jim Rice has been waiting years for. He is finally getting inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. And although I’ve heard from a reliable source that Jim likes to “drink martinis and watch soap operas” at a certain country club, Rice was one of the most feared hitters in Red Sox history. As a young boy I can remember an outfield tandem of Rice and Evans, who at the time were my favorite players on the team, and that was during Rice’s DOWN years. Unfortunately I missed the years when he could do everything, I was just looking at his stats, its hard to believe that he led the league in TRIPLES. Anyways congrats Jimmy, and hopefully you can enjoy a nice stiff martini in Cooperstown tonight.