The Gospel calls me out of my fortress of solitude:

“I am a Rock” – original by Simon & Garfunkel; covered by Mark Kozelek (Red House Painters)

I think Kozelek’s musical rendition captures the tone of the lyrics.

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard this word before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

God speaking of his creation, Adam…

“it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

Paul speaking to the church at Corinth…

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)

how cute is that simon kid in this video? look at that scarf and that balance beam walk! and how sweet “it’s laughing and it’s loving [he] disdain[s].” and bless his heart he thinks “a rock feels no pain.”

i have my books

and my poetry to protect me

i am shielded in my armor

hiding in my room, safe within my womb

i touch no one and no one touches me.”

oh… how dear… in that scarf he almost makes me think of this guy.

i’d rather be a rose than a rock.

The wine section at The Spanish Table is an ever changing place. You just never know what will roll in the door around here from week to week. Right now I am enamored with the refreshing summer white wines (with one pink exception) from Spain and Portugal that sometimes get overshadowed by the abundance of deliciously interesting (or is that interestingly delicious?) red wines from these countries. The white Albariño and Verdejo varietal wines from Spain were the first to receive attention from American wine drinkers. We continue to be attracted to these wines for the citrus and mineral aromas and flavors that create bright,refreshing wines that can stand on their own yet also work well with food. Now we are seeing more wines from Spain that are made from the Godello grape, a variety that often produces soft, gentle wines with flavors of melon and stone fruit. In Portugal, new white wines from all across the country are making inroads here in the USA where once only Vinho Verde was found. Encruzado is a white grape that is now showing up regularly in many of the white wines from Portugal. Even the long neglected Portuguese rosé wines are making a comeback, as illustrated by the current popularity of pink Vinho Verde which, like an AM radio pop song from a summer long past, will live on in memory as a nostalgic time stamp long after the season is over.
Casal Garcia Rosé NV Aveleda just came out with this pink version of their most popular brand, Casal Garcia. The first shipment came and went in a matter of weeks, but happily there is now more. I predicted that this would become one of our most popular wines for summertime sipping and so far my statement holds true.  Low alcohol and light effervescence remind me of the traditional white Vinho Verde. The pale pink hue and lightly fruity berry aroma and flavor are a nice change of pace from the regular version. $8.99
Meia Encosta Branco 2008 The red version of Meia Encosta has been a big success so now we bring you the white wine from this Dão region producer known as Vinhos Borges. Meia Encosta Branco is a gentle, refreshing and lightly floral blend of Encruzado, Malvasia and Bical. This unoaked, medium-weight white wine shows some fruity ripeness as well as a foundational layer of green herbs and minerals. $7.99
Castelo do Papa Godello 2008 The Valdeorras region is the traditional home of Godello varietal wines. Softer and gentler than many Spanish whites, this Godello varietal wine displays notes of white peach and apricot along with underlying minerality to maintain balance. $14.99
Can Feixes Blanc Selecció 2008 The Penedès region of Catalunya is best known for sparkling Cava but the local grapes can make some truly stunning still wines as well. Can Feixes is composed of 40% Parellada, 30% Macabeo(known elsewhere as Viura), 20% Chardonnay and 10% of the rare Malvasía de Sitges. Like a wine version of a Gin & Tonic, this wine has a bit of quinine-like minerality along with a refreshing blast of lime zest. This new 2008 vintage has just been released. $14.99
Shaya Verdejo 2008 The Verdejo grape predominates in the Rueda region of Northern Spain. The sandy soils have protected many old ungrafted vines from the phyloxera mite that devastated the vineyards of Europe 100 years ago. Shaya uses these old vines in a monovarietal wine that is a fine example of just how good Rueda whites can be. Bright grapefruit flavor and lightly floral aroma combine with a distinctly mineral foundation. This wine is well balanced and elegant. $13.99
La Cana Albariño 2008 Galician Albariño wines tend to tilt toward a floral/citrusy style or a flinty/mineral expression. The newly released first vintage of la Cana is decidedly mineral. Added complexity and textural weight comes from extended ageing on the lees (bits of grape skin, pulp and sediment). This new wine from Spanish wine guru Jorge Ordoñez (best known for his hearty red wines) is a fine addition to his portfolio. $17.99

Speaking of pop songs, all the recent Moon Landing 40th Anniversary celebrations have me thinking about some of my early favorites from the late 1960s when AM radio was the main source for new music (pre Youtube &  MTV).
Check out these songs that made a big impression on me back in the day, then choose a few of the wines from this week’s selection to help make your own memories of the summmer of 2009.

This song always reminds me of Donne’s line, no man is an island, entire of itself. . .

Not sure you realize this, that I’m a diamond. A diamond, when discovered, is shined and cherished. It is often set in gold.

But until it’s discovered it’s buried deep in dirt. I suppose the dirt protects it but it is definitely not a place of honour. Sometimes it is discovered but still not loved properly, either because the person already has lots of diamonds so one more, as beautiful as it may be, doesn’t seem important to him. Otherwise, he just doesn’t understand the worth of a diamond. Or, where he is from, diamonds aren’t considered precious.

So, that’s me. I’m in the dirt or owned by someone who doesn’t get how precious I am. I can just hope that one day I will be discovered for the gem that I am.

Listen to the song, “I am a rock.”

Great Paul Simon song – one which Adam has enjoyed for many years.

By Don Heckman

In early 1972, I was covering pop and rock music for the New York Times, and Paul Simon had just released his first, eponymously titled, solo LP. Two years earlier, Simon and Art Garfunkel had produced the extraordinarily successful album (and song) “Bridge Over Troubled Water” – a recording that would (except for 1981’s live “Concert in Central Park”) be the last from one of the iconic pop music acts of the ‘60s, as each member of the duo embarked on a solo path. In the course of writing an NYT feature, Simon and I had a discussion of topics ranging from ‘Bridge’ to the new solo album, from the break-up of the duo to Simon’s first steps into his career as a solo artist. Here are some excerpts from our conversation.

DH: Looks as though you and Art Garfunkel took the old saying, “Quit while you’re ahead,” to heart. You’ve decided to break up the act after having produced “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” a hit album and a huge hit song.

PS: That song was bigger than anyone expected, especially me. I hear it now and sometimes I can’t even remember when I wrote it. It doesn’t feel attached to me at all. But at the time there was no sense that it would be a hit of such enormous proportions. We were just working on a record, and we were fighting. Our patience was running out and there was sort of vaguely the presence of Mike Nichols around, which was disconcerting to me.

DH: Artie was working at the time on the film “Catch 22” for Nichols, getting his acting career under way?

PS: And half the time he was flying off to Rome, so it was an extremely tense time, not pleasant at all. I wrote the song up high for him to sing it, and when he came back I played it for him. He said, ‘Well, I like it, but maybe you should do it.’ And I said, ‘No, I insist that you do it.’ I don’t know why I insisted so much. Maybe I should analyze myself to find out why I insisted to that degree. I thought possibly it wouldn’t even be a good single. I thought maybe it was too long. You know, you work on these things and you don’t play them for anyone but your friends, and sometimes you don’t hear another opinion from anyone until the album comes out.

DH: But you found out pretty quickly when this one came out, didn’t you?

PS: Oh, yeah. Later on, when we did our last tours, I remember many times sitting out of the spotlight watching Larry Knechtel playing piano and Artie singing ‘Bridge,’ with people screaming and going wild, and saying to myself, ‘Well, I wrote that song.’ But it became like Artie’s song.

DH: Well, not exactly. But you did say that ‘Bridge’ had been inspired by several offbeat sources.

PS: Right. A part of it came from a country song called ‘Long Time Gone’ And that was actually the thing I had first.

DH: Then what?

PS: I was playing a lot of gospel changes around that time and I was listening to the Swan Silvertones. They’re a gospel group that works with a guitar, which is kind of unusual, but it made it easier for me to hear what they were doing. Anyhow, they have a line in a song called ‘Oh, Mary Don’t You Weep’ that goes ‘I’ll be your bridge over deep water, if you’ll trust in my name.’ It’s really just a scat line the way they use it.

DH: A country song and a gospel song. Interesting. Anything else?

PS: Another two bars came from a Bach chorale. [He hums the Bach melody.] But my version was – [He hums the phrase that begins “When tears are in your eyes…”]

DH: All of it filtered through your own perspective, of course. But what about that last verse. “Sail on, silver girl.” I’ve always wondered about that.

PS: It was actually written in the studio. And I never intended it to be in the song because, in my opinion, it doesn’t fit. It’s about my wife Peggy – who was not my wife at the time. She was starting to get prematurely grey hair. And that’s why I wrote the ‘Sail on, silver girl’ line for her.

DH: So this huge hit song has a verse that you added at the last minute, that you didn’t really want to be there?

PS: The song, as I originally wrote it, was just the first two verses. I just wanted it to be Artie, singing it with the piano accompaniment. But when we finished those two verses, it felt as though you wanted to hear more. So we decided to do a third verse. But I didn’t have any words, and I’d already said what I wanted the song to say in the first two verses. But now I had to come up with this third verse, which sounds to me like the Righteous Brothers or something like that. I mean, it fits in a record sense – it makes the record happen – but, as a song, the metaphor got ruined

DH: But the song thrived. To the tune of 25 million dollars in sales, and counting. While the two of you were peaking as an act, but coming apart as a partnership.

PS: Simon and Garfunkel had become so big it was scary. But we were still two individuals, and after a certain point, it became very hard to take criticism from each other. I used to feel, ‘I don’t have to audition my songs for anyone.’ I didn’t want to have to say to Artie, ‘Would you like to sing this song?’ I wanted to say, ‘Here’s the song; let’s do it.’

DH: But Artie obviously had a different point of view.

PS: Yeah. He felt, and rightly so, ‘If I don’t like that song, I don’t have to sing it.’

DH: Which must have created some thorny situations.

PS: Sure. We’d go through dialogues like ,‘Well, I just don’t like it.’ And I’d say, ‘How can you say that? It’s my favorite song.’ And he’d come back with, ‘Yeah, but I just don’t want to sing it.’ Stuff like that. Look at what happened with ‘Bridge.’ There were originally supposed to be twelve songs on the album. We ended up with eleven because we fought so much over what the last one should be. Finally we said, ‘Screw it. Put it out. Eleven songs.’ I was really tense.”

DH: So it’s over – Simon and Garfunkel?

PS: I don’t think Artie and I will work together again, although I’m not opposed to it, if something comes up that’s really interesting.

DH: And you feel content being on your own?

PS: I’m really happy to be by myself and not have to share the decisions. Now I do things almost entirely to my taste. That’s not to say I don’t listen to other opinions. But the new album is probably the most accurate one I’ve ever made, in the sense that it sounds the way I want it to sound.

DH: Which is, in many respects, very different from the way Simon & Garfunkel sounded. So, since we talked about the crafting of ‘Bridge,’ let me ask you about some of the tunes on “Paul Simon.” Like, for example the use of reggae rhythms on “Mother and Child Reunion?” That was pretty unusual.

PS. It didn’t seem so radical when we did it. It just seemed right. I did the track and then wrote the words. That was it.

DH: What about “Duncan,” with those Peruvian pan pipes? You’d already used them on “El Condor Pasa” on the “Bridge” album.

PS. Right. But the song, well, it was actually a whole other song when I made the track. And then I changed the words around. We did it in Paris at the same time as “Hobo’s Blues,” which we did with Stephane Grappelly, the French jazz violinist. Originally I just wanted Grappelly to play. I can’t do what Django Reinhardt did on guitar when he played with Grappelly. So we made up a chord structure and we just wound up doing this jam….I thought it had great possibilities. And if not, well, then I had a great time and I met Stephane Grappelly

DH: How about “Me and Julio?” It got a lot of airplay off the album very quickly.

PS: I had been working with some Puerto Rican musicians who were playing something called plenas. But it didn’t work. They played great stuff, but I couldn’t come up with anything. Then I noticed what the conga player, Victor Montanez, was playing. So I picked that out, made a tape loop out of it, let the loop play for three and a half minutes and wrote the song to it.

DH: Performing on your own, you’ll surely be doing songs from the new album. But what about the Simon & Garfunkel repertoire?

PS: Obviously I can’t sing songs like “The Sound of Silence,” “I Am A Rock” or “Homeward Bound.” Maybe “The Boxer.” And I might do “Bridge,” but I would feel extremely anxious about it, because I don’t have the same vocal instrument Artie does, and it’s a song so associated with his rendition.

DH: Are you nervous about going out there without someone – Artie — by your side?

PS: You know, when we performed a lot, I was never nervous. But when you lay off for two years, your situation has changed, and in the meantime your reputation puts you right up there, people can become super critical.

DH: So I guess you can’t help but be a little curious about the reaction you’re going to get, about how “super critical” your audiences are going to be.

PS: Well, yeah, I sure am. In fact, it’s a subject of tremendous interest to me.

Elements from the above interview were incorporated in the 1972 New York Times copyrighted story, ‘The View From Simon’s Bridge,” by Don Heckman

Yesterday morning, my mother left Nashville to go back to the homeland. She was actually here long enough to see the seasons change. When she came, those trees in our condo complex were just branches with dormant buds. By the time she left, they had all bloomed and those petals are the ones blanketing the parking area like snow. I never noticed they were cherry blossom trees. How appropriate.

Yesterday was also my first day back at my part-time retail job that I’ve had since I’ve been out of college. In fact, it’s really the only work that I’ve been able to hold down. Going to work meant that I needed to drive to get there, so I got to drive by myself for the first time since January. Though it’s a very short distance, it was nice to get in the car and turn on the radio so I can listen to “Wait, Wait. Don’t Tell me” as I drove into work, something I used to do every Sunday right before my shift. It’s been fine listening to Kelly Clarkson’s new CD every time I was in the car with my sister, but I just need more variation that hearing “Life would suck without you” on a loop. I almost missed the one turn I have to make, but otherwise, I know I can at least drive this distance.

It was nice to be back to doing something outside of my house. I also really hadn’t interacted with anyone outside of my family for the last few months, so going to work obviously forced me to do so. I’ve understood the importance of social support and forming relationships as a concept but have never applied it to my own life. I have been more inclined to be like that “Rock” in that Simon and Garfunkel song. But it wasn’t until some people welcomed me back to my workplace and then chatting for a moment that I realized I already had relationships with other people. I just never chose to value or be grateful to any of those types of bonds in the past. I guess you can only successfully aspire to be that ‘rock’ or an ‘island’ in a song lyric, but doing that in real life will only come to end up hurting yourself, and oftentimes others around you. Clearly, this behavior has not gotten me anywhere, because rocks and islands, by their respective nature, can’t go anywhere.

I really should learn this lesson.

On the drive back from work, I got to listen to “Car Talk.” I think I feel better than this whole past week, thank goodness. I do feel bad for Pat Summitt and the Lady Vols, though.

Jag försöker förenkla, mot klippan - djup bugning, min äldre broder. Jag blev aldrig ngn klippa. Jag blev natten, jag blev ett ? men jag andas och lever och mina andetag nöter som alla dessa oändliga vågor. Mitt inre gungar och jag orkar inte följa horisonten  orkar inte följa någonting alls….”a winters day in a deep and dark december” nä…ingen klippa ingen ö. Mina beroenden är otaliga, mina barn, mina vänner min exfru….den heliga treenigheten, MIN! Jag orkar inget utan dem…allt annat är schimärer….”and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries”  jag har gråtit så mycket den här hösten och jag grät aldrig förr, jag är uppfostrad så! Pojkar gråter inte…liksom…men det verkade som att jag behövde det, nu är jag nästan som vanligt igen. Terapin hjälper tror jag, jag håller på att hitta en stabilitet igen. Nu måste jag bara hitta lite svar…varför kan jag inte säga nej till kvinnor?  Det gäller jobb, basket whatever…och varför hamnar jag i sånt brutalt mörker? 

I am a Rock, denna fantastiska melodi av Paul Simon

When love walks in en gammal Mick Karn och David Sylvian…..

Som om jag prioriterade natten

Värdesatte den högre

Jag….?

….jag som alltid jagat ljuset

Det är bara det

Natten känns tryggare

–Simon and Garfunkel–
I Am a Rock [Take #7] – Paul Simon
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
Well,I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Simon and Garfunkel 

Clin d’oeil à André.

Simon and Garfunkel ont marqué ma vie d’adolescente. En bien et en mal. C’était le temps où, tiens ça me fait penser que avant le net et tous ces myspace, facebook ou autres…. la communication était tout aussi efficace.

Bref, ne nous éloignons pas de Simon et Garfunkel. Cette année là donc, j’avais eu le contact d’un jeune homme bien plus âgé que moi,  le cousin à ma meilleure amie. Oui à cet âge là, on a tendance à tomber amoureuse de plus âgé que soi, même à avoir le coup de foudre pour une photo. C’était le cas. Je l’avais vu en photo, dans l’album de ma copine. Il devait avoir 25 ans, et moi une asdolescente en quête de rêve…

Le contact fût établi par le biais de ma copine, il poursuivait ses études au canada et moi, élève dans une pension catholique au fin fond de ma côte d’ivoire. Le rêve, lire ses lettres avec ma copine, ou avec une autre amie privilégiée…

Un soir donc, à la distribution du courrier, je reçois un colis. Oh! on aurait dit les préparatifs de la conférence de yalta.

Le message fût passé aux deux seules proches, laissant les autres filles sur leur faim.

Nous nous sommes isolées après le diner pour ouvrir le paquet précieux. A l’intérieur, un disque, I AM A ROCK, de Simon and Garfunkel, aucune de nous ne le connaissait à l’époque, nous c’était plutôt Claude François, Mike Brant et compagnie..;

Nous avons porté le “bijoux” à la salle de bal pour l’écouter sur notre vieux tourne disque.

C’était limpide, à la fois triste et jolie.

Nous avons essayé d’interpréter le geste, essayé de comprendre le pourquoi et le comment de ce cadeau, le sens de la chanson….

Ce fût un déclic, un déclic en bien et en mal à la fois. Trop jeune pour comprendre, trop jeune pour savoir aimer peut être, peur de s’investir dans une relation où l’écart était un peu trop présent….

Ce fût silence radio. Je sais qu’il en a beaucoup souffert et moi aussi. Lui parce que incompris et moi en attente de reconfort, d’encouragements..;

Bref. c’était la fin de la belle histoire, du rêve. Pas de regret aujourd’hui. Maintenant je sais, j’aime Simon and Garfunkel, j’aime I AM A ROCK, je sais aujourd’hui ce que  cela représente, ce que l’on peut souffrir d’aimer, de baisser la garde….

Oui je sais comme vous, comme tous ceux qui n’ont pas envie de se protéger derrière un rempart.

Dont talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Lately I’ve been feeling a really strong need to be hugged (by a boy), but there are no guys around who are willing to hug me. I’ve been working at Target the last few days, so my only possible relief has been from Target friends. I have friends at Target who hug me, but they’re all girls; the feeling just isn’t the same. My gay friends at Target aren’t the hugging type, and the straight ones don’t hug guys.

My urge for human (male) contact has gone unrequited. As a result, I’m currently feeling lonely and sad, reflecting on how I’ve never had a boyfriend. There have been some recent conversations with friends about that, which might be why I’m thinking about this at all. So for tonight, I’m going to wallow (in self pity) a little bit.

I was first introduced to the music of Simon and Garfunkel through one of my friends from graduate school. She told me that whenever she felt sad, she would listen to Simon and Garfunkel. There is somehow solace in their songs. She gave me their greatest hits CD in case I ever felt sad. Needless to say, it’s come in handy.

Here are the lyrics to my favorite Simon and Garfunkel song, “I Am A Rock.”

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
Well, I’ve heard the word before.
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

The afternoon session started after a grand outdoor lunch. It was quite simple yet very delicious – a flat Turkish bread as the base with choice of vegetables, meat and a couple of different sauces. You could wrap the bread (Ali Baba style!) and walk over to randomly placed extra high round tables on the lawn where a few could stand around and devour the food, while carrying on a conversation and enjoying the warm sun.

After the break Mr. Dawson had two more sessions and Christian had one in between those two. Now I must add a note of confession at this point, my recollection of the details seems to be quite vague and the little I do remember is what I stole from my random notes. Dawson’s first talk was on ‘Looking unto Jesus – the Author and finisher of Faith’. He took us to the book Hebrews chapter 11 and 12. He talked about Faith and the lack of it. He chose four characters – three from Chapter 11:

• Noah’s  sense of fear (v7): Not the kind that makes a person run away, but that of reverent love that made him spend his life preaching and constructing a boat which seemed illogical and unnecessary to everyone around him.
• Abraham’s sense of direction (v8):  when God asked him to leave his town, Abraham didn’t stick around for God to show him the map. He simply started the journey.
• Moses’ sense of value (v24 – 26): (1) He refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter (2) He chose to suffer affliction with the people of God (3) He considered the reproach of Christ greater than the treasures of Egypt.
• Jesus Christ – I forgot to take notes! .

Christian Aguilera took the next session where he talked from 1 Thessalonians 4: 1 – 12.

• 1 – 2: How to live in order to please God
• 3 – 8: Indisputable moral principle
• 9 – 10: Brotherly love
• 11 – 12: Testimony to the outer world

He brought up some alarming issues that he has personally come across within the church during his ministry to men – issues relating to lust, pornography, same sex relationships etc. He cautioned us that in this big fight, none of us are exempt and mentioned four people (names changed) he talked to and their respective issues within an age range of 8 – 82. One that I remember is this middle aged man who asked to see Christian privately after one of his sermons. This man was grief stricken. He confessed that he really wanted to change. And in such an attempt, he took the scripture literally one day and chopped off his right wrist. He now had a stump where most people have wrists.

Christian talked about his own issues that he had to overcome. Even after becoming a believer, it took him a long time to condition his mind. Even in a church when he saw a woman, he habitually lusted. He admitted that although a lot of people claim to have instant restoration after becoming a believer, his’ was a very slow process.

He urged us to (1) Identify the real problem (2) to have a restoration plan.
To identify the real issue deep within, he said:

• We must look back in life and try to understand our unmet needs
• Take precaution against blind spots in one’s life. In the mall, on the bus, at the news agent and so on – he advised that the best thing we can do at times is what young Joseph did – just run away.

In a Restoration Plan, one must:

• Dry himself with Grace. Know that God understands, and He is willing to forgive.
• Make the call. If you are serious about restoration, get help.
• Commit to a plan. And be determined to follow it.

From James 5:16, he encouraged each one to discuss issues with other believers – especially older and mature Christians (One who doesn’t have the weakness of gossiping though!). He asked the fathers to spend time with their sons (and daughters) and be close and open so they’d be comfortable talking about their issues and struggles as they grow up.

Christian was very encouraging and inspirational. He was spot on with so many issues that it was good to be reminded all over again, and it made me glad to have packed up my bags and went along for the conference after all. Although I’ve heard it said plenty of times yet I think one of the hardest things for men is to own up that deep within they are weak and they need help like everyone else. Personally when I struggle, I know that I should talk to someone about it, yet for the sake of ‘I am a rock’ image that I so painstakingly build up with others, I rarely give up. I’m always ‘going good’. I always have a ‘great week’… reminds me of the words from a mid sixty Simon & Garfunkel song:

I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

James makes it clear that no one is a rock and no man can be an island, and still hope to survive. He probably would have laughed out loud at this philosophy today. Maybe people had the same issues back in the day?

Paul touches on another important factor when it comes to dealing with other men and women. He writes down about the importance of loving each other. When someone asked George Carver, one of the pioneers in agricultural science, as to how he found out so much about nature, he replied, “Anything will give up its secret if you love it enough.”

Well, back at the conference we had a short break after the session. It was time for another one of the organiser guy to walk up the stage. He had a couple of gifts in his hands. Every time I saw him, he had a gift for one thing or the other – I think he was everyone’s favourite man. At first he gave some vouchers for the first couple of registrants for the 2008 conference. Then it was for the youngest attendee – a fourteen year old was extremely pleased when he was handed a bag of lollies. Next time, it was for the man who was married the longest (53 years). I think he got a fuel voucher. And here he was the guy again – this time it was for the attendee(s) who travelled the most to get to Toukley. Three hands quickly shot up. No one could beat the five hour record. This time he had two tall travel mugs carefully wrapped in a blue plastic wrapper. One went to Chris (our trusted driver!) and we shared the other cup with Steve who travelled about four and half hours from Quirindi.

For the last session of the day, Mr. Dawson was back on the stage and this time he was going to talk on the ‘Challenges of a busy life’. He read Matthew 23:23 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.” He stressed on that last part of the verse and related it to our every day life where we are busy at work, at church, at home and everywhere else. He said we ought to do those things, but not at the cost of things that are important to God. He divided his talk into three sections (All of them are a bit sketchy in my mind):

• Self (Ps 91:1; Mk 6:31) – both verses point to spending time with God – alone, in quietness. He said, “We’ve all taken days off work for a holiday, sometimes even to spend the time with family. When was the last time you took a day off, just to spend it with God?”
• Family (Deut 6:7) – God sounds pretty serious when he says to the parents: “You shall teach them diligently to your children…”
• Church – no idea what he said!

Before long we were on our way back to Canberra, and thanks to Chris we got back in town before midnight.

Draußen Regen. Drinnen ich mit einem Glas Wein und Simon and Garfunkel.

I am a rock
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

Simon and Garfunkel – I Am A Rock

So, listening to Simon & Garfunkel’s “I am a Rock, I am an Island” on the way to my doctor’s appointment probably wasn’t the best choice of mood music for me.

As I was driving to my appointment, I was having all kinds of crazy-conflicting thoughts. Such as:

• I will not cry. I will not cry.
• Maybe I should act really forlorn, sit hunched over, spin a tale so awesome and painful that I can get ’sent’ to a mental hospital for rest and therapy. That might be a treat. But expensive–not a good idea.
• Do I just want attention? I don’t think so…but, I’m not sure of myself in many ways lately.
• What if all my tests come back “normal” and no one can find anything ‘wrong’ with me…I can’t sit on this thought too long because I’m starting to feel tight in the shoulders and anxious just thinking about it.
• I hope she doesn’t ask the ‘hard’ questions:
  • Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
  • Have you ever put your children at risk or harmed them?
• I wonder if this is a spiritual ‘problem’.
• I’m so tired I really just want to curl up on the exam table and sleep while I’m waiting for the doctor to come in–I wonder if they would ‘count that against me’ if I actually did that.

I have the most wonderful doctor. Ironically, my OBGYN’s name is Dr. Ruth. She swept in and asked lots of questions. Took lots of notes, finished a lot of my sentences for me. I didn’t officially cry, but I did tear up once…no twice…during our conversation.

The first was when I told her that my parents, who live in Oklahoma and I only see a few times a year, are the ones who asked me ‘how I was doing’ and told me they could definitely see that some days are good and some days are bad. It chokes me up when I think of my parents knowing how much I struggle, and caring enough to gently but strongly say something and encourage me to seek out care.

My second tear-session happened when my doctor asked how Dan was doing. I said, “uhhhhm, he’s struggling too.” Depression affects an entire family. That’s why I’m chasing after care. Because it’s not fair to the rest of my family for my struggles to become their scars.