Pompadour’d British pop sensation, Esser, has mysteriously managed to become famous…despite his extreme lack of comfort with singing in general. Maybe some of you chaps across the pond will know who/what I’m talking about.

Watch his single “Headlock” and you’ll know what I mean. And if you don’t, take the plunge into my absolute and very scientific breakdown: Esser Is One Of The Most Awkward Performers Ever (peer-reviewed by JStor. Well, not yet. But soon.)

Groovy, right? It’s so hip it looks like it was made 20 years ago. Up until :34, you think, “Hey, this is pretty well directed! Look how nonchalant he’s being!”

Then :44 rolls around, and you start wondering, “Esser…is everything okay at home?”

At :49, the pathetic swaying of the hips (or “dancing”, as the English call it) just got me worried. There’s a fine line between fascinating disinterest and a lead-singer with mild autism, my friends.

As I watched this on TV, I kept waiting for some stills from “This is England” to start popping up. How disappointed I was!!

The video continues, with the stereotypical school children dancing and an awkward incorporation of Esser with choreography.

It’s one thing to do awkward things and not give a fuck, it’s quite another to let your embarrassment be syndicated on a global scale:

Wow. Just…wow.

His next video, “I Love You”, is equally hard to watch. You just feel so bad for him…and not because he’s getting food thrown at his face. Lord knows Matt and Kim didn’t mind (nor did DikDik or JUSTICEvsSIMIAN’s trashed “friends“, or even their “Hustler” for that matter. )

Observe the progression of awkwardness:

Oh my god. How weird! Just WEIRD! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, ESSER!

His video for Work it Out isn’t much better, either.More glitz and budget, yet it runs rife with dorky aliens and a cumbersome space suit.

Take a page of Lily Allen’s book on how to rock space suits, people.

I feel so uncomfortable from these videos that I’m not quite sure what to say… except: Michael Cera, where were you on the whole good-awkward/bad-awkward lesson plan? Esser could use a few pointers.

Instead, Esser, watch Blur: Best Of, take a shower, then get back to me. Don’t forget to study Damon Albarn’s performances, and be prepared for a Quiz on How to Make Eye Contact With The Camera.

Man, some kids these days just don’t understand.

Sorry, I cannot offer steamy tales from Cuba, but I can offer something as simple and American as a slice of white bread and that is: Paulo Costanzo. 

Paulo Costanzo is pretty cute, in my opinion. 

Although, I’m generally not a fan of the Kramer-like hair ( I don’t think you can see what I mean by this.. google it), I overlook it because I figure that this guy’s boyishly handsome looks and smiley personality can trump any bad hair.

Bored out of my mind one night at home and awkwardly cooking dinner for myself, I decided to watch “Royal Pains” which is a new show on USA featured on hulu.com 

On royal pains, Paulo Costanzo stars as the business manager for his brother’s private doctoring, a practice for the monstrously rich habitants of the Hamptons.

I found the prickily plot-line entertaining because of the depiction of the collapse of a billionaire Hampton family who is serviced by the good doctor and the subsequent loss of the patient son – a hemophiliac.

Paulo Costanzo casts his light when he is on a date with a retired ballet dancer (36 years old) to get fast food.

She faints after eating a hot dog and the good doctor comes to her rescue.

Ridiculous but somehow charming…

I read that Paulo Costanzo was also in Dr. Doolittle. Ah, now all the memories are flooding back.

For the record, he seems to have cleaned up a lot since those awkward days.

I think you should give Royal Pains a chance.

I’ve gotten into arguments with many a friend over American TV, for a good reason: I can’t stand most of it.

Comedies are the worst, with their chirpy characters and buoyant audience laughter bubbling out at anything that even a baby would struggle to muster a grin for. I’ve never fallen victim to the apparent charm of shows such as Friends or Fraiser that ensnares so many, although my sister can certainly attest that I have at least given the former more than its fair crack of the whip. Neither, though, have I found any interest in Heroes or Lost, for example, and again with regard to these I seem to be in a minority, even in this country.

For me, it’s nothing personal against America, or some deep loathing of that county’s way of speech (although I can admit to being very annoyed by this on occasions), I simply find certain afflictions that haunt TV shows from the States to be very annoying.

Firstly, the length of each show. Petty, I know, but more often than not the obligatory 20 minutes lopped off each episode has a bigger effect than you might think. Story-lines lose much of their potency when you have to cut out almost a third of their content, and this is exactly what has to happen: the extra story isn’t carried over to another episode, it gets relegated to the editors bin. Each episode has to stand on its own to a certain extent, and often I find that shows feel rushed. It even happens to British shows, recut for the American market.

To compensate, no doubt, for this lack of those extra minutes, the trend of television “seasons” has emerged: shows are designed to run for years and years. That 24 has had 7 seasons is a relevant example, but that Friends plodded out the same old jokes (and I’m sure I’ll make enemies with that one) for years and years, ramping up a frankly disgusting 236 episodes, is beyond belief. The problems are numerous: firstly that, rather than producing a select few episodes of excellent quality, many American comedies and dramas (and now British shows as well) are simply content to wallow in mediocrity for. Apart from being dull to watch, this also stifles creativity, with the same jokes or formulaic scenes and episodes being run out again and again. More than that, though, it actively prevents new shows and more innovation from taking place: companies spending their dollars recommissioning old successful series, while pleasing for their accountants, is rubbish for the rest of us because it means that those dollars can’t be spent on new talent or creativity, and in the long run everyone loses because we are left with one idea that may have once been awesome, rather than many.

Of course, even despite all of that, could  you not tell me just to stop watching after I have had enough? Could I just not cherry pick the best bits from the start of the show and then ignore the remaining seasons? The problem is, many can never bring themselves to, and you find yourself watching a long slow decline that you hardly notice. Shows classically of British origin, in contrast, have a mastery of being succinct and concise, even going so far as to lean the other way. The oft mentioned example is of course Faulty Towers, but there are numerous others: Blackadder, for example, still my pick for one of the best comedies of all time. And the best part is, I couldn’t even tell you which of the series was my favourite, given that any of 2 to 4 could land in my all time top ten on their own merits. More recently we have the joys of the likes of Life on Mars. Forgetting Ashes to Ashes, which is of course a spin off, the original lasted only 16 episodes, wrapping up fantastically but leaving everyone hoping for more. The consummate performer. Interestingly, the US remake had a completely different ending, which if you’ve seen the UK original you may find hard believe. Admittedly, other plot details and storylines had been changed, but nothing quite this drastic.

Of course, shows from across the Atlantic do have bonuses, namely massive budgets. I could name numerous benefits of shows with tiny budgets, but the fact is that with the money that networks in the US command they can create special effects and beautifully shot set pieces rivaling any movie you care to name, week in week out. We ofter have to fall back on more modest equivalents, like the prosthetics that the designers on Doctor Who are so fond of. Of course, these big budget extravaganzae come at a cost: rarely in the US do you see the edginess and rawness of some of our better television.

This isn’t to say that doing things the American way doesn’t work: look at the likes of Rome. British actors, BBC involvement, but funded largely by HBO. A near perfect balance. I also feel, it is unfair for me to brand the style of television I am critiscising as “American”, but it is a consequence of the supremely capitalist and frenzied nature of their T.V. schedules. Europe, also without our beloved Auntie, doesn’t fall foul of the same problems purely because the majority of its citizens have to put up with junk. Believe me, try watching a French drama, even subtitled. It’s horrible.

Anyway, this brings me in a roundabout way to talk about an American series that I do happen to like. A lot. Stay tuned…

So, here we are in week ten. Get ready for plenty of cringing, as the candidates are rather harshly shoved in front of camera’s with no previous training. It’s a completely specific skill, and would require plenty of training and experience to become proficient at normally.

They’ve been summoned to Alexandra Palace, presumably on the pretense that it’s where T.V. started. Shame they’re not there for a gig. Howard seems quietly confident, but truth be told there are plenty of candidates who could get through to the final.

Are there really only six of them left? “This is one of my favourite tasks,” says Sir Alan, in a scripted little segment in his car. We all know why, there’s plenty of room for embarrassing, recorded cock ups. Everyone remembers Simon. Just thought: Sir Alan commentary, supported by Nick and Marge, would be such a good way to watch this show. Maybe I could invite him round?

Debra is such a stressy bitch, as usual. They dash inside as the police siren is heard in the background. Debra’s past is catching up with her.

They reach the Channel’s studios, and get a look at the experts in action. It’s a tight run ship, slick and fast paced.

Yasmina’s group begin their search. It’s like the innovations catalogue HQ, so many ridiculous items you never knew you wanted. Classic James-ism: “You can get polyester that’s manmade?”

Meanwhile, the candidates get a rehearsal. Did they get one of these last time? Lorraine is feeling the pressure, and is obsessed with wandering back to car accidents. Marge is amused. Kate’s up next. The trick is being very well versed in how to use whatever you are selling, and also being confident and able to talk continuously, without spouting out rubbish or “things you’re not supposed to say.” Kate is a little better than Lorraine, but seems to be having difficulty with the sat-nav. “You look really handsome by the way.” Lorraine really isn’t getting it, is she? A bit harsh, given that she’s a single mum, but Philip was definitely interested…

Will Howard be any better? Seems so, and on that basis it’s a difficult choice as to who he could go with. Go it alone and let the other two support each other, or go with Lorraine to help her along, as she’s clearly the weakest of the three. Lorraine’s really turning on the charm, here, her sting in the backstage suite has brought out the inner director in her. Kate gets a bit stressed about everything.

Yasmina has a curious respect for Debra, who’s going to be on her own. Remind her of those days in solitary confinement in the slammer, no doubt. Oh dear, I’ve just remembered James’ talent for speaking out of place. This could go badly.

Yasmina and James, however, seem to be going for a proper family double act together. Might appeal, might not.

This task is especially difficult to judge, because of the fickle nature of the viewers at home. Who is it who is actually buying stuff from these channels?

They return to the hotel with their choices. What has Kate got? Has she had some sort of crisis after Lorraine’s biging up of Howard this morning? It’s some sort of coat, that costs…£149.99! Oh dear. The look on Howard’s face says it all. Mind you, I have no idea how it will sell. Her other choice is pricey too, and Howard and Lorraine are going to be the ones selling them.

Mind you, their strategy could pay off massively, given how cheap Yasmina’s team’s things are. Howard and Lorraine went for “Scamp and Sooty” stuff and the toy air guitar. Well see how they get on.

Apparently, the channel is handing two of their most valuable primetime slots to the teams. In return for an hour of valuable primetime BBC channel space. Come on, it’s hardly like they’re not gaining from this.

Oh dear. Sir Alan’s watching in his comfortable office, all on his own (apart from a couple of camera crews). Must be a bit odd.

Yasmina’s babbling a bit, and James seems a bit confused. Debra’s not too bad in the director’s chair, but she should literally be calling the shots the whole way through, keeping the commentary coming so those in front of the camera don’t get stuck. Oh dear. As Sir Alan points out, there seems to be a little bit of confusion over the pricing. Classic, though, as they ham up the suspiciously low price plentifully. Where is Debra? Ouch. There she is. How are they going to cover this one up?

Pause. “Ah, Ok.” James tries to laugh it off. Yasmina looks like she regrets just eating her last meal. James gets put down by Sir Alan for the whole affair, it remains to be seen whose fault it was. James tries a couple of snappy one liners, to try and convince the viewers to get on the phones. They make the crew chuckle. James wasn’t too bad, apart from the price product, and Yasmina seemed solid. Plenty of sightly false enthusiasm. The woman in the directing room asks them to look at their sales figures. Sounds like £400 or so. Apparently this is bad. We’ll see. Might be bad for the channel, but might win them the task.

Sir Alan is not impressed with their lack of risk. We’ll see if it pays off.

Howard’s team’s time to shine. First up, the “Metallic Leather Designer Jacket” which, to my eyes, looks pretty horrifically tasteless. Sir Alan seems to think it’ll go down well though. They’ll make a killing if it does. As with all thing to do with our friend Lorraine, her sexual frustration bubbles again to the surface. Apparently Howard will have to “wait in line”. Clearly Northern Phil was up for it.

Howard and Lorraine seem to be doing well, and Sir Alan loves the product selection. However, they lose his favour with their obsession with flavour. Ok, I apologise to all for that last one, but it’s true nonetheless. Apparently they’re not mentioning the price or the phone number enough. Perhaps it’s just his way of balance.

“I don’t actually let them have chips.” Lorraine, yet again, displaying her mystical Irish accent. Think Kate needed to prompt them a little more for the phone number etc.

Hmmm. This pet craft kit. Is it really just a lump of polystyrene with some sequins and drawing pins? For £16.99? Someone is making a lot of money out of these. Or, perhaps not, come to think about it. Sir Alan agrees! Behind the scenes, Marge and Nick seem to find it all hilarious. They’d be shit at it.

Now it’s the air guitar’s turn. It’s probably the best of all the cheaper products, to be honest, but Kate still manages to make her enthusiasm sound forced. “This is so much fun…” You really need to get out more. She looks ridiculous, and has this odd habit of staring to her top left. Look at the Camera. Everyone is rather amused. Howard: “have we made any money.” Their reactions don’t say much.

Time for the boardroom, and more interestingly the numbers. Howard’s team should win, but you never know. Talk about. Howard gets some good praise.

I love the way Sir Alan’s cleverest person scale goes from Brain Dead to Hedge fund Manager. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of people above that scale.

Could be that Yasmina will get into trouble for being too cautious. James gets a letter from a fan.

Ignite: (Howard’s team)
Total Sales: £1376.73

Empire: (Yasmina’s team)
Total Sales: £1541.88

Wow! Yasmina’s team won! Apparently Debra did really well!

Interesting, on the debrief, who’s going to go. “One of them will be going today, for sure,” says Sir Alan, as though it’s some amazing revelation.

In fairness, the reward this week looks awesome. I’m very very jealous. . Wow.

So, who should go. The cafe scene seems pretty lonely. Lorraine seems nervous about being ganged up on. I can’t really see what it’ll all hinge on, though.

“I wasn’t comfortable with that dinosaur product.” Howard may rue that. Previous nine weeks will come up. Howard and Kate, on the basis of past performance, might get through. Nick should shut up a bit more, although Sir Alan makes an interesting and probably not untrue point about Kate.

Decision time, and Sir Alan has basically said he wants to see a bit of backstabbing. Seems, as usual, there’s a band wagon coming through. Some point that suddenly takes on bizarre importance, and everyone seems to focus on it. This time, it’s Howard’s risk taking. Seems a bit stupid, if you ask me. Lorraine and Kate get a token grilling. Is it me, or does Howard have weird alien blue eyes contacts in?

Sir Alan is making his decision. And it’s… Howard. Man, that’s bullshit. Seriously? FFS, Sir Alan’s logic is crap as well. Apparently, dependable people are too “ordinary” for his liking. Better to thrown in plenty of incompetence and whining like Lorraine, and you’ll get through. Seems he was just too boring for the producers. Back at the penthouse, bit of surprise about Lorraine coming back. James is the only guy left! They make sure he knows it! “I feel like Hugh Heffner!” Classic.

Well, it’s all over. Slightly disappointed that people didn’t make bigger fools of themselves on air, seems they did better than last time’s group. Not long to go now, as next week it’s the interview task. Oh dear, looks like James is going to come in for a bit of stick!

Apprentice Episode 9, then. With only 7 left, the teams are getting small enough that everyone will have to fight for their place, no one can skulk in the background. Hopefully, Debra the whiny bitch will see the door, although I fear that may not end up being the case.

Summoned to hospital. Poor old James got an unfair deal in last weeks boardroom, so lets hope he can shine this week.

“If you have an idea of what you think it might be, go for the most extreme opposite of that and you’ll be closer.” Says Howard. Debra elaborates, in a Sir Alan impression not quite as good as Ben’s: “?I want you to try as many mouth to mouth resuscitations as possible. The team with the most live [sic] people at the end, wins. Happy resuscitating!” Oh dear, that was actually quite funny. Is she going to have a good episode, for once?

To the Maternity wing: “It’s obviously something to do with Babies!” They’ve got to pick some baby products, and then sell them at Earls Court.

Sir Alan mixes up the teams, Howard, Kate and Lorraine could prove to be very good. He also picks the “Mums and Dads” for the team leaders: James and Lorraine. Time to pick the products, past experience has shown this to be the make or break. Six hours for the teams to get their products sorted.

Howard seems sure James is going to make the “When’s it due?” faux pas to non pregnant women. Seems worryingly possible, too. Pretty hilarious to hear James talking about Breast-feeding, although in the next scene we get him testing out the birthing pool rather than Yasmina. Seems odd, and pretty specific, but Yasmina and James seem pretty keen on it.

Ben and Debra are investigating a toddler’s head cap, making the children all look like cyclists. Ben: “I’d want [my children] to get cuts and bruises.” A bit out of context, but I can see his point. It seems a reasonably good idea, but the problem is you’d probably use it when you were supervising the child anyway, it’s not like you could put it on them and then let them take care of themselves. I’m pretty sure injuries and accidents happen at the most unlikely times as well, unlikely to be when you had prepared for them. James agrees almost word for word with Ben, unusual harmony for the team.

“Really easy fold buggy,” for Lorraine. Looks impressive, but not sure whether it will stand up in the fury of the selling: will the team be able to consistently operate it well? Price: £135. Not really sure whether that’s expensive, never having gone shopping for prams.

The rest of the team take a look at some high heels for toddlers. Warning bells going off here already – I’m no doctor, admittedly, but I’m pretty sure that sticking toddlers, or any children growing pretty fast, into non standard shoes like these could seriously mess up their bone development. Plus, you cut out anyone who has a boy, or any pregnant mothers not yet knowing the sex of their child. Apparently, though, they’re pretty soft. That seems to take away the whole point of them. And, as Kate rightly says, they seem very vulgar.

They meet the rocking horse guy, and he’s actually rocking on the horse as they arrive. “Well we are known as the best rocking horse makers in the world…” He’s modest! Plus, how can their be a big differentiation in the quality of rocking horses? Seems like by best, they mean most expensive. These look far too expensive, and Debra inquires. £1500 plus VAT. Ben and Debra seem very keen, and make the point that they’d only need to sell one to make a reasonable amount of money. Not sure it’s the sort of thing you’d buy at a trade fair, though. If you wanted one of those, you’d go to the shop and buy it there.

Nick, with Lorraine, inspect the birth pool. He seems unsure. Kate and Howard are investigating the head gear, with the scary Scottish lady, who tells her own tragic tale. What happened to her baby? Did she survive? Kate makes the point that the others didn’t, that they could sell the headgear by appealing to the guilt factor of the parents, even though many might consider it an unnecessary purchase.

Lorraine’s team: Push chair and the Thump guard.

James’ team: Maternity bath and the rocking horse, I think.

Debra loves the rocking horse, and seems very keen that they should take it. Not sure why.

Lorraine, as I predicted, is not as smooth with the buggy as the shop guy was. They need to spend all night practicing that, as it’ll make a big difference to how well it sells. Debra unveils the rocking horse, and James’ team all goes dewy eyed. Really not sure why. It’s a wooden horse, with curved skis on its feet. That’s literally it. Rocking dinosaur might be a bit more interesting. £1700 for the horse, as well. Big risk, potentially epic pay off. Is this done on profit, or just on sales though? Seems a bit arbitrary either way, to be honest.

James team are optimistic. Lorraine’s team is scared. This’ll be interesting.

Earls Court. Interestingly enough, I’ve helped exhibit there at BETT, a technology in education show. It’s tricky, and there’s an art to it that is completely different from normal selling.

Lorraine’s going to have it tough, given that another stall has the buggy next door. And she’s having trouble setting it up. “If we lose, we’ve got a reason,” Howard whispers conspiratorially to Kate, who agrees. Well, it’s true. And if they do go into the boardroom, it’s not going to be good for Lorraine that Howard and Kate have spent the entire day previously together.

The show kicks off, and we get an awkward highlights reel. The Birthing pool seems to be quite popular, surprisingly. James sounds very knowledgeable until he makes a comment about the baby “jumping out.” The hat for the babies seems to be going well, and some of the babies seem to love it as well. Difficult to tell at this stage, as the editing can really throw you off.

Oh dear, Ben looks to be a bit stuck. “Could I interest you in our rocking horses?” Trouble is, there doesn’t seem to be any interest in it, let alone potential sales. Kate is having trouble as well, given that their buggy is being sold round the corner.

Ooo. With 15 minutes, there’s a little interest in the rocking horse. The drama! But he wants £200 off the price. Ben’s sitting and praying. They’re very lucky to get the interest, but he almost looks like a set up, deliberately teasing them in their desperation. Debra offers to work for him for a day, but the sale falls through. They were so close, and yet so very far. Shame.

Boardroom time. If it’s James’ team in the dock, as I fear it will be, I think Ben or Debra might go, although admittedly Sir Alan seems to not like James. Both teams look nervous, Sir Alan, almost lazily excited. Ben starts with a bitch at James. The issue of the rocking horse comes up.

James sounds surprisingly knowledgeable about push chairs. I think the helmet will have sold well, which will show Ben and Debra up. Sir Alan moves onto the pram, not literally obviously, and asks the question everyone knows the answer to, about whether Lorraine checked to see if anyone else was selling the pram. No, being the short answer. The other stand was also selling it for £100, as opposed to £135. Oh dear.

Empire
Sales: £722

Ignite
Sales: £1666.89

Sir Alan is complementary, and its no surprise as the team is choc full of potential high fliers, all of whom could go to the end. I fear, however, that Ben will not. Carnival of the animals, again, while the teams get their caricatures done, all of which are quite good.

Ben’s got his usual tough talk, pre Boardroom. I fear he’ll have to do well to stay. Hopefully Debra will go, though. She is a load of crap, as usual.

The rocking horse. That’s what lost it for them. Debra even tries to blame James, but he brings up the quote about there being nothing else to sell. They dwell on the rocking horse. That Debra almost sold it may save her over Ben. It’s going to be tense, though. Yasmina is spared, which is probably fair, all though she didn’t really seem to do much.

Debra’s tactics might be working in saving her, but I think Sir Alan makes it pretty clear that if she’s in the final two, she’s not getting the job. Thank god. Mind you, wouldn’t be the first time he’d changed his mind.

Why shouldn’t I fire you… Ben? He talks vaguely, and Sir Alan grills him. Where has he shown all these skills he always talks about? Task One, Task Four, Treasure Flicks. He comes up with a few examples. Now Sir Alan seems to be going for his CV. The Sandhurst business comes up again, and Sir Alan picks up on him. He is not impressed. Margaret looks amused.

James’ turn. He does better, and talks a good deal of truth. Sir Alan thinks he may be too nice. Maybe he likes them nasty.

Debra’s turn. What he says is very true. She basically admits that she’s a bitch. She looks a bit sad, when talk turns to her going from a piece of coal to a diamond. Now Sir Alan asks for someone to take responsibility for the rocking-fucking-horse. Straight away, Debra changes tune. It was her responsibility after all.

Decision time. The end of the road, for one of you. That’s right, there’s a trapdoor beneath one of their chairs. Sir Alan sums up. I think it’ll be Ben.

It is, infact… Ben! Thinking about it, isn’t he on Sir Alan’s left? Even a last minute shaking of the head can’t save him, and he looks ready to cry. All 14 and a half stone of him trundles out of the room, and punches the poor sofa outside. Basically, Sir Alan fancies Debra. Not sure why, or how she’s managed to remain another week.

“He’ll be all right, he’ll be ok,” comments Sir Alan. Yasmina gets it completely wrong, as does Kate. They all seem very surprised that Ben isn’t coming back. Lorraine looks horrified to see Debra. Ben does look like he’s been crying. .

Next time, back to the QVC! Everyone remembers Simon’s faux pas last time, and that’s clearly on the producers mind as well. I have a feeling Lorraine will go, but that’s based on about 30 seconds worth of footage. We’ll have to see next week!

Here’s the latest. I’m rather angry at one of the candidates, as will be seen.

Just 8 remain, to fight for the chance… wouldn’t it be great if they actually did just get to fight it out.

5.10 am. Back to the early starts. Sadistic Sir Alan summons them to the O2. Time for a gig? Is that the carnival of the animals in the background.

As usual, Sir Alan is the last there, and makes the reason for the summons clear. To be fair, for once, the O2 is a very good example of how to rebrand something.

The teams have the slightly trickier job, rebranding Margate. Slightly more difficult as all the locals etc already have an emotional investment in the place. Not many people cared for the dome, so O2 could make into whatever they wanted.

Debra and Howard having a argument over PM, Debra the control freak grabs it by the horns, and Howard, yet again, is beaten down by her. Yasmina is her counterpart.

Brainstorm for Debra’s team, and it’s James who brings up what we all saw on the trailers last week, which he terms “The Gay Market”. Apparently, the homosexual community spends the most money on tourism in the country. James and Debra take this as fact, and if it’s true then their re-branding idea seems to make sense. Mona argues that the target might be a little excluding, which seems valid. The trick will be if they can rebrand it as Margate: for gay people, but not just for gay people.

James, who may or not be gay, admits “I’m more inclined for the gay…” Not quite sure what he’s getting at there. Mona’s worried that Kent will be too homophobic, basically. Yasmina’s team go for the family market. Very dull. But will it be safer, especially if it comes down to a boardroom showdown?

James and Mona are on reconnaissance. Meanwhile Howard and Debra are casting for their same sex couple modeling poster. Classic direction from Howard, as he tests the water with each couple. Debra seems unsure. Slightly disappointed to see no female pairs in the line up.

Meanwhile, down in Margate… James and Mona floating ideas about amongst the people. Their ideas go down surprisingly well, it seems, to the enlightened people of Margate. Mona seems the most surprised.

Kate and Yasmina are searching for a mum and dad. Yasmina seems to take this quite seriously, even inspecting a candidate’s bare torso. Kate wants to check the ladies legs. No actually the torso checking is a regular occurrence, as we see one of the guys who was ordered about by Howard earlier. He has a tatoo, and Margaret is very unimpressed and lets her ridiculous eyebrows show it.

Ben and Lorraine are checking out some beautiful shots of the crazy golf course. Ben comes up with “Shellebrate Family Fun!” That’s awesome, but unfortunately the girls in London don’t like it. I would have loved to see Sir Alan have to say that.

James and Mona, slipping into the local gay bar. Mona takes the lead, and seems pretty interested in the details of transsexualism, and is in danger of being chatted up. James is pretty keen, and sends his enthusiasm back to base. Howard and Debra look like an old married couple, together for the sake of the grandchildren, sorting out their finances.

Photo-shoot day. Oh dear, the town is completely covered in fog. It might clear, but if not then all of Ben and Lorraine’s sea views will be out. James and Mona start inside, presumably to head outside later. Taking photos of the worst disco ever. Hmm…

Yasmina and Kate seems to be getting on with things. Debra and Howard bickering as usual. Back in Margate, the fog has gone, and the beach actually looks pretty good, if rather deserted.

“Not too much suggestive licking, guys, we’re not doing a porno.” It’s the one from the trailer, but it’s still a great James-ism. Ben, in his braces, looks very out of place. Why do they always feel the need to be in suits for this sort of thing? “More of the sea, less of Margate,” he instructs, making clear his opinion of the seaside town. Now he has to get down and build some sandcastles, while Margaret chomps on an ice cream.

Lorraine doesn’t like it, feeling it is too static, and she may have a point. The deal with these things is normally to take as many shots as possible, giving plenty of pace for scope. Yasmina is a bit grumpy, because she’s worried about there not being enough blank space. Lorraine seems put out, but Debra and Howard are united for once in their like for James and Mona’s photos. They look like grandparents looking at their children’s holiday snaps. Let’s keep that metaphor going.

Lorraine makes her feeling on Yasmina’s poster ability clear. Now she’s going on about concept and product differences. It’s a vision. Yasmina is not impressed. “She’s got some issues, that lady.” Kate is diplomatic as ever, and Ben keeps quiet. What have Debra and Howard been doing? Why haven’t they finished the leaflet? They’re only just starting on the leaflet and are in danger of running out of time. “Is that it,” asks Nick, and I’m inclined to agree. They might have just messed up their chances.

Time for the pitches. Kate’s in charge. The pictures look good, the posters look ugly. Sharp but basic questions from the panel. The blue and the beach look horribly generic, the posters could be any seaside town, surely? Ben brings out the bullshit, but the panel are unreadable at this stage. Howard is up next. All does not start well, but when the leaflet comes out, things go downhill. Howard tries to improvise some crap about the blanks, but I don’t think anyone is buying it. Interestingly, the number of words on the poster comes up, which is the issue Howard had with Debra earlier. Oh dear. James grins, and the issue of the leaflet comes up again. Is this going to be a case of, nice idea, crappy execution?

Now it’s time for the locals to have their say. The full horror (has it been revealed before? If it was, I was typing at the time?) of Debra’s team’s posters is revealed. Oh dear. I could have done better in primary school, no joking. Do these people have any artistic ability whatsoever? It’s not even like it’s the photos which are the problem. Blow up the pictures, have some snappy text and a good slogan. It is hard to go so wrong. Don’t get me started on the typeface – yuk! The locals all like the pitch, the question of “Why limit the market?” comes up, but at this point it feels like the question they should have expected it, and Howard does well.

Ok, so we’re back to the boardroom. At this stage, I’d chuck Debra. Mostly because she’s a bitch, but also because out of her and Howard, who cocked up the literature for their team, Howard is slightly less annoying.

Standard boardroom affair from Sir Alan. Bit of tame analysis of Ignite, which is Yasmina’s team, by the way.

Debra’s team is Empire, and Howard seems to be their spokesman.

Locals:
Empire: 4/10
Ignite: 7/10

Branding:
Empire: 4/10
Ignite: 7/10

Fair dos, solely on the basis of the posters and the leaflets. James looks very upset, almost tearful. Time for some Lotus fun, then, for Ignite. Comments about Kate doing her lipstick while power sliding will be kept to a minimum.

Post mortem at the caf. Mona is quick to point the finger at the gay market targeting, which I don’t think is justified. The posters and the leaflet which, after all, are the big sellers of the campaign, were shit. End of. James has the right idea, and in my mind it should be Debra who gets the chop. As long as the others stick to their guns, they shouldn’t be dragged in. Sir Alan wants more gay, and hits home straight from the off.

Sir Alan brings up the text issue, I distinctly remember Howard saying there was too much text on the posters. Sire Alan tries to probe this out of him and Debra, but perhaps Howard is worried that she’ll bring him back, because he let’s Debra bat it away. Mona seems to be setting the tone, let’s hit out at Debra’s weak points. Mona’s slightly dull demeanor seems to be coming under fire, as Nick and Marge are not impressed. The fact that she didn’t like the idea has come up, she’ll definitely be coming back.

Debra’s idea to bullshit the idea about the white space did not pay off, and to be honest it was a bollocks idea anyway.  James is not impressed, I get the impression he really feels let down by Debra. He’s also got a lot better at knowing when to taper it. Debra’s trying to blame the posters awfulness on James and Mona which is utter bollocks.

Debra brings back Mona and James. Howard did well, it seems, but I thought James did as well. It must be Debra. She’s just a dominant character, nothing better. As usual there’s the stage chat between the three left in the boardroom, with Marge talking out her arse: she wasn’t even there.

Now it’ll be down to a slag fest, as usual. James’ time to talk. Debra finally starts, and choses her strategy. Debra is going to try and tell the truth but still pass it off as not her fault. She talks so much shit, but Mona risks getting dragged into things on the basis of previous weeks. James should not be there, at all. My. God. Debra is just a massive bitch.

Let’s see, who’s it going to be? Nick’s frowning at Sir Alan. He runs through the issues, and chooses… Mona. Fuck, why is Debra still there? That just gargles balls.

Apparently, Lorriane really likes Debra. Really not sure why, but then she does have some “issues”. Don’t sit on the left next week, as that’s where the dreaded finger appears to be pointing.

So, after a day of lying in bed, ravaged by some mysterious flu virus, I’m back to partial health in time to watch the Apprentice this morning. Who will go this week?

Seems to be a little later call today, and we get to see that the candidates actually do have casual clothes.

They’ve been told to pack an overnight bag, so Ben’s packing his flip flops and swimming shorts. Not quite sure why.

They’ve been driven to the glamorous Gateway service station. Puts pay to their hopes that their going to be packing off to some exotic location. And, they’re going North! Those sunglasses and swim shorts will come in useful then.

Bizarre scene where Lorraine wants everyone to personally approve her PM ability. It’s no referred to “PM-ing” as well, which just sounds silly.

This pitching sequence is an odd reversal from what we usually get, with a slightly Dragon’s Den feel to the whole affair. Some of these ideas are a bit bizarre though: who needs a dust catcher for drilling? Lorraine’s team are getting a look at some artsy piece, appears to be a coat rack made out of taps. Lorraine likes it, but Ben thankfully disagrees. I can’t see any chain buying that sort of thing in bulk, even if they did like it, and how could you possibly justify it to Sir Alan on the basis of some artistic merit, when we know he wouldn’t know a good piece of art if it danced in front of him naked?

Now they’re being treated to the “Lovers Lead”, which basically lets two people walk one dog. Seriously, where do they get these people from? A slightly better idea now, to carry shopping on a bike. They’d do a killing in Cambridge, and the team seem pretty keen.

Mona’s team get a sleeping bag, that’s actually a kind of suit. They’ve also chosen the “Lovers Lead”, although not sure why. Margaret seems to sense they’re going to flop this evening, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Howard’s pitching the sleeping bag suit, but they’re going to flop as it’s far too expensive, and they’re let down (again) by basic research issues. Next, he and Debra take it to some store which looks like some sort of interior designers shop, and you can tell they’re not going to make any orders here. “It’s just not very stylish.” After the atrocious day, they’re just hoping that it’ll all go well tomorrow. Of course, if Lorraine’s team doesn’t have any luck, it won’t matter that they flopped. They look like they’ll do a little better, but it’s always hard to tell.

Mona’s team are doing business with a camping store, and she and James do well. There’s some numbers in the book.

Phillip and Kate are playing about a bit, but they and Ben at least

Yasmina and Lorraine are having a bit of a bitch fight, while Nick looks on, and the camera cuts to Lorraine’s sales book, reminding us of exactly why they’re all keen to be the one doing the selling.

Debra and Howard have also got a pitch opportunity at the Pets at Home place and the reactions seem good. Debra goes for the simple sell, and they seem impressed and generally pleased with the product. They manage to get away with 200 leads for a trial run, which seems good but they might have been able to squeeze a little more out of the chain.

Phillip, Kate and Ben have gone straight for a cycle superstore, but yet again the owner has reservations about the product. Could be their big weakness. Philip tries out cycling with it, but the buyer is not convinced.

Meanwhile, Lorraine and Yasmina have their pitch at the Pet chain, which seems to me like it might have been organised by the production team. They have big hopes in terms of sales, but I really don’t know enough about their cat box thing to know how they’ll do. “The Cat Playhouse!” Initial reactions look mixed. It looks like they want to say no, but they end up settling for a meagre number 50. Given that it’s made of cardboard, that’s not going to be much at all.

Lorraine’s now starting a bitch rant at Kate, who’s not even there! She knows she may go down for this, so it’s diversionary tactics in motion. Especially if she brings up the Philip-Kate relationship in the boardroom.

Howard and Debra have issues, mostly to do with Debra’s control freak issues, although to be fair to her she seems to be doing quite well.

Only now, Lorraine seems to realise that trying to flog a coloured cat playhouse to people won’t sell. She tries to pass it off as being down to the fact they’re in the North, but that’s rubbish. As some shopkeeper they try to flog it to says, it’s just a cardboard box.

Ben, Kate and Philip fail to close any deals out, and you can tell it’s going to be a complete failure for someone. the issue is, the product choice was wrong. Results will be interesting.

As usual, Sir Alan had “laid on” a pair of pitching opportunities, and straight away he asks Mona’s team (who we know didn’t pick their products to sell at either of these pitches) how they picked their products to sell at the pitches. Exactly. Let’s see Mona worm her way out of it. Sir Alan’s not impressed after having “personally” arranged these appointments.

Kate’s mocking Lorraine’s “business instinct”. Let’s see how many orders they made on the first day, that’ll be the swing.

Empire (Mona’s Team)
Sales: £4501

Ignite (Lorraine’s Team)
Sales: £1302

Empire won by miles, and did pretty well in the process! Looks like they were right to ignore Sir Alan. The helicopter ride looks awesome, and they deserve it because they clearly did a good job on day two.

Lorraine’s team for the debrief. Yasmina’s pretty comfortable, she has sales in the bank and Lorraine will be forced to take back two from the other group, else she’ll look stupid. Looking forward to a Philip-Lorraine fight off.

Sir Alan is cross. Lorraine will be keen to stress that she made sales, and right on time she focusses on it straight away.

Now Kate’s getting a bit of a grilling. I reckon it’ll be her and Philip coming back, Ben’ll keep quiet and remind us all that he set up the pet chain meeting.

Classic moment. Lorraine gets called up for pitching 5000 units to a single store. “I was obviously pitching to high.” Philip, however, leaning on Kate’s hinted strategy from earlier, asks pointedly “What did your instinct tell you?”

Love the tension between Phil and Lorrie. Kate seems very calm and confident, and Nick seems to take their view that the store was the wrong sort of shop as a personal insult. Sir Alan’s just been left out of the boardroom discussion completely, as Philip and Lorraine kick off. Ben escapes, possibly by keeping quiet, and Yasmina was always going to be pretty safe.

I reckon Philip or Lorraine will go. Philip risks getting thrown out for being overly boisterous, but Lorraine is also in danger of appearing to get up everyones goat. Kate’ll keep quiet for now, she hasn’t done enough worse than Philip to be thrown out on sales grounds, and just has to keep her head above the water.

Talk of Phil’s past achievements comes up. “Tell us about Pants Man,” quips Nick, meeting a stony silence. If it comes down to past performance, Kate will be safe. Lorraine risks things getting dragged into irrelevant issues. “You are pathetic,” Philip is pretty pissed off.

There’s the ace up her sleeve. Philip and Kate are “close friends”. Cheap blow, Lorraine, cheap blow. She’d been saving that one. Could they all go? Or both Philip and Lorraine? We’re reaching the conclusion.

It’s going to be… Philip! Well, there we go! He mutters “joke” as he leaves, the most disgruntled fired candidate we’ve yet seen.

The boys look a bit shocked not to see Philip come back, as though one of their number they thought safe has just gone, just like that.

Next time: rebranding a town! Same sex couple modeling! Interesting. Fade to strings…

While pondering various philosophies, amongst them the publicity of recent celebrity deaths, I recalled this terribly sad event, and wondered whether it had been a year since it occurred. I turns out it has, just, but I thought it fitting to write a little tribute nonetheless.

Mark Speight was always the best artist on SMart, without a doubt. Better than the enthusiastic but occasionally lackluster (artistically) Kirsten O’Brien, better than his friend Jay Burridge, who was on the show for almost as long as he was and definitely better than all of the other, less memorable, presenters. He was especially talented at cartoons, that being his original chosen profession, possibly aided by the fact that he seemed rather cartoon like himself, with his blond spikey hair and wide grin.

He spent 14 years at SMart, and no doubt would have spent many more, passing up the option to move on “up” the chain of broadcasting as countless others have. He made the program come alive, taking it from a poor man’s Art Attack to a CBBC classic that both me and my sister used to enjoy. You could tell he really enjoyed what he was doing, whether it was showing you how to weave a bit of movement into your cartoons, or painting a huge picture that left you guessing what it would be until the last few brush strokes.

It takes a special kind of person to dedicate their life to inspiring and entertaining thousands of children, with little or no reward or recognition amongst more “adult” broadcasting. That he spent time out of this work to support Muscular Dystrophy and Childline is testament to his character.

His death was a tragedy, more so given the circumstances which surrounded it. When, sitting in front of the harsh reality blaring out of BBC news, the fact of his death hit me, I felt like a little part of my childhood had gone with him.

His father has set up a foundation in his memory, and I’m sure he would have approved, but I like to think his influence lives on in each of the children who were inspired to draw. Pass me that pencil.

RIP.

And here, finally, is yesterday’s commentary. Hope you enjoy it!

To the Imax! Sir Alan is apparently “Larger than life”. Starting off with his usual sing song schpeil. He’s come up with a new breakfast cereal! Classic.

Be under no illusion, Sir Alan is actually not in the room. What’s the betting, he picks the simplest, most boring one.

They’ve only got 2 days! this sort of thing might take years in the real world.

Oh dear, Kimberly’s an expert on this. That’s always a problem. Phillip is being his slimy self once more, which is a shame, because he seemed quite nice last week.

James is classic. He’s growing on me, I think his hearts in his right place.

Has the serial (cereal) killer thing already been done?

Phillip seems to be a bit keen on “Pants”. Just what I want to think about over my breakfast.

The good thing about this task is that cereals are something that everyone knows about, and often in advertising, the outcome is very difficult to predict, an amateur can have as a much success

A parrot pirate! That’s actually a cool idea, for once. Katie’s getting down to business. Kimberly is a bit more vague, but her team is a lot more rubbish at coming up with ideas.

Oh God, he’s singing. Noorul’s face says it all. Phillip’s in a really bad mood, so to satisfy him they’re going with Pants Man! What the hell! Sir Alan’s going to have a field day. Kate’s team are doing much better.

Proper sexual tension between Phillip and Lorraine. On the subject, what is up with Phillip, he’s in a really odd mood, haven’t seen him like this since week one.

James is now singing as well. Nice bit of Apple product placement there, during the Pants pitch. Oh dear, we’re treated to a reprise from Phillip. Lorraine is definitely not impressed, and makes her feelings known.

Parrot’s coming along nicely, I think Sir Alan will love it. Nice and straight forward. Kimberly’s team is in a bit of a fix, and things are not looking good. Not sure what it’ll be like when they finally see the result. Phillip and Lorraine are fighting. Where the hell has Mona been? Haven’t seen her at all yet, but she pops up into view. To be fair, they have Noorul on their team, so it’s always going to be against the odds.

The Parrot Crew looks like their going to win. Oh dear, Wake up Call’s box is going to get slaughtered. Let’s hope their ad makes up for it. I’m thinking not, but the pant selection that’s currently taking place.

James and Yasmina make a strangely alluring team. Quite why he feels like Ringo Starr, I don’t know. He’s doing well this task. And they’ve got an awesome costume! Captain Squark! Even Margaret likes it. Kate seems to be doing very well.  The advert is quite a standard affair, but Margaret makes a good point, in that it may be a bit complex. Risky strategy, if they pull it off it could be excellent.

Noorul is Pants man, but I have a feeling he’s going to scare the pants off

Oh, this is great. Phillip is doing the singing. Why wouldn’t they get a professional voice actor to do it, there doesn’t seem to be budget issues with the other team.

Treasure flakes, Ben is Captain Squark, and he’s much more suited to a starring role than Noorul.

Oh dear, this could definitely backfire, they’re not letting the children see pants man, which could mean they get scared to death by it. Why do they need to indulge in all this method acting, I’m sure the kids could be reasonably convincing.

To be fair, I think it was Phillip who thought that Pants man was hilarious, but I have a feeling they’ll pass it off on Kimberly.

Kate vetoes the female voice artist, which seems odd, although Ben can do an excellent pirate voice. Not as good as mine, though.

We finally see Mona. As usual, the curse of the professional hits Kimberly.

Hard nosed ad execs on hand to dispense their thoughts to Sir Alan, who will probably ignore them.

Love the advert, and executives seem to be laughing with the contestants, instead of against them. As usual, the advice is pretty straight talking, and Kate does very well at answering them. They should win, no doubt about it. I don’t think I can watch the next bit.

So, I think I know what the professionals will say. Edit leaves it cryptic, but it’s fairly obvious.

Sir Alan’s inspecting the pants. “Put your pants on the right way.” Kimberly gets some credit for the advert, but Kate’s team are coming out smiling. The most resounding yes for whether Kate was a good team leader. Sir Alan loves the Treasure. A hoarse Ian Paisley? Bizarre comments from Sir Alan.

The box has come up, and Kimberly’s team will go down for it. Lorraine’s got to be careful, as she may fall foul of the negative vibes issue.

Kate’s team has one, no surprises there, and thoroughly deserved that.

I reckon Phillip should go, but I have a feeling it will be Kimberly. Sir Alan, as expected, hates the Pants. “Absolute Garbage… total piece of rubbish.”

This laughter yoga business seems odd, even Debra looks happy.

The solemn café scene. Lorraine and Phillip should go back into the boardroom, but he realises this might be the case, so is preparing his strategy.

Yet again, where the fuck was Noorul all task? What an absolute waste of space! Sir Alan picks up on it, and he deserves.

The wolves are out here, everyone’s getting a tongue lashing, and not in any sort of dirty sense. Phillip and Kimberly can sense the way the wind is blowing, and will gang up together. The boardroom is as I predicted. Margaret’s talking some sense. Sir Alan makes no bones about it, yet again, it’s his choice.

Phillip has changed his tune, and Kimberly is getting ganged up on. To be fair, on the evidence that we were shown, Phillip and Lorraine were arguing like mad throughout the whole task.

Kimberly is going. Very much a shame, and Sir Alan gets needlessly personal with the exit. In retrospect she should have brought back Noorul. Yet again, a seemingly nice person has gone.

I hate the awkward hug at the end, after the boardroom, as well as the sickly scene in the penthouse. Plenty of pants jokes afterward.

Next week, selling. Let’s hope Noorul or Mona goes, because they are both shit.

Here, belatedly, is the commentary from last week. I have internet again, having torn through my quota yesterday, so will watch the lastest one ASAP. Meanwhile, enjoy this look back.

Yasmina putting on her freaky make up.

As usual, Sir Alan has dragged them to some place that has a vague relevance to the task, for no good reason other than because he can. It’s bad for the environment, Alan.

It’s a most money task again, and is a rather tricky task: who sells beauty products on the street?

“The product should cost pennies, but they should be selling it for pounds.”

I’ve got to learn how to spell Noorul. Thankfully his name has just popped up, lending a helping hand

Phillip boasting about his experience with former girlfriends. They’re so much like school boys this series.

Noorul’s brainstorm is going, awfully. Hilarious editing, but difficult to tell if it was actually like that. And they’ve come up with, bubble bath and soap.

Didn’t realise they had to actually physically harvest the ingredients.

Ben’s flexing in his apron. He just want’s to make sure those hours in the gym haven’t gone to waste.

Noorul’s team seem to be heading for disaster, but given previous shows this could mean they go on to win.

Obvious thing here is that surely the seaweed is going to be alot cheaper. As in free. Now their choosing scented oils. I’d start from the cheapest, and find one that’s nice, because these could be really expensive.

“I’m a bloke, their girls, They know all about soaps and smelly things.

They go straight for the most expensive one! Classic! Hope this ends in hilarity.

And it gets worse. Excellent! “Won’t be any more than that” … “Nothing.” This is all stacking up nicely.

Debra knows something about Sandalwood, but thankfully the other two are still clueless.

450g of Sandalwood. This is so very, very good.

Phillip is pretty stressed today, Noorul seems to be a bit out of control.

I like Kimberly. Phillip’s ranting will get them nowhere. Hopefully the Sandalwood debacle will come to their aid, though.

Nick has come to the other teams aid, though. “Shit.”
“You’ve spent over £700 on fragrances and oils.” Their reactions are priceless. Shame he couldn’t have left them to price the items and only telling them in the boardroom later on.

Not sure why they’re wearing the bee keeper suits with the hoods on, just seem to confuse things.

They’re having to push the Sandalwood oil business, but they’re reasonably lucky in their positioning. Probably should have priced them even higher, though, and they’re going to have to make a lot up.

Noorul selling. He’s not going to get employed in the body shop after all this. Or Crabtree and Evelyn. Now he’s moving the whole group, though, and got them lost. Who is this guy?

The sandalwood sellers have finally put up their prices. Told them they should have done that earlier.

Noorul has been a disaster, and should have stayed where he was. As he stands alone in Bond Street station, I even feel a bit sorry for him.

Ben seems to be one of the best sellers among the boys, even popping in a cheeky “It’s very good for your skin”. Howard wants to sell, and Noorul should definitely let them, but they’ve lost crucial time.

Empire has a lot better idea, and have managed to sell their remaining stock for £400. Very well done. Noorul should go.

Their now going for 50p, now 3 for £1. Finally they sell out, much worse than Empire, but will the Sandalwood affair save them? We’re about to find out.

Poor Paula. After seeming so pleased with how her team had turned things around, she now looks quite pitiful and friendless as they turn on her.

Ignite:
Sales: £900.85
Costs: £406.88
Profit: £493.97

Empire:
Sales: £1073.25
Costs: £1141.21
Loss: £68.04

So. They sandalwood did save Noorul, what a lucky bugger. Cringe worthy seeing him celebrate. Lol at Phillip, who I’m liking more now.

It’s going to be Paula or Yasmina, Ben left the girls to it, but I don’t think he can really be blamed. Possibly the fact that they set the prices too low, even when they’d heard about the sandalwood business.

Cederwood wouldn’t have sold as well, which is something they all seem to be forgetting. I seem to remember them saying it was like bonfire. Paula’s decided now to take the proper credit for the design, but Ben has issues with it.

It’s obvious who’s coming back. Ben will probably survive, so it’ll be between Yasmina and Paula. Can’t help feeling Yasmina will be better at putting herself across.

Standard boardroom affair. Ben’s going to be lucky to get out of this.

Oh, for goodness sake! Sir Alan does the whole,  “for that reason…”, before ruling out Yasmina. And it’s… Paula.

Shame, to be honest, because she seems a nice person, as they go. A mistake, but a mistake which did lead them to fail the task. If she was fired from her real job, wouldn’t be pretty unfair. But in this game, that’s the deal.

Yasmina: “I had to turn on her.” Nice. What a bitch.

Here’s a commentary from two weeks ago. I know it’s late, but I have last weeks done as well, and will be posting it when my bandwidth usage has been given time to breath. Enjoy.

Early start, Sir Alan is a sadist. Although probably just for maximum grouchiness at the end of the day.

Ben is hilarious. “Their arseholes are going to be twitching like rabbits noses.”

“At those fancy-gyms“. He’s using that sing song voice that he uses when he’s speaking a prepared bit.

I like the “pick the leader” bit. They’ve picked Debra. Ooo, the bitching has already started! Pointed comments thrust Debra’s way.

James is putting himself forward! Classic! Hopefully that’s going to have hilarious consequences.

Sex sells! I love it! Wonder if Sir Alan will? Could this be the most awkward boardroom ever? Shame, it seems to have been beaten down.

To be fair, this is a very tricky task. As usual they have very little research to go on, just having to base their designs on their instincts. Which are usually shit.

Ben’s idea seems sensible, and their team is definitely the more likable.

Debra’s team haven’t even chosen a body part yet. Sounds like their supposed to be planning some sort of Cannibal Holocaust, the way they keep mentioning it. Interesting that Phillip is pushing his idea so much. He’s coming on well, could go far.

Finally getting some sort of advice here. This is the point, yet again we have a group of inexperienced amateurs trying to design a technically detailed product.

“Fairly good looking guy in the group,” love how they completely ignore Noorul. Never mind, he’ll always have Nick.

Debra’s made a stand on the race issue, and I probably agree with her. For once.

James team are all talking far too much sense.

Debra’s team’s ideas are coming down to the wire, but they chose the bum-ball.

Ben’s little group have forgotten the simple idea, which sounds like an error. They hype up the product when they go home, but could be setting them all up for a fall.

Hmm, the prototypes seem to have alot more to do with the talented designers than the teams. Well, lets see how well they can sell them.

Ben is classic: “I’ve actually shocked myself”. Not sure why. James doesn’t look too happy.

“What do I mean by being portable?” I don’t know, you can carry it? “To have stable stability.” Great from Lorraine.

“It makes perfect sense that I do the modeling.” Ben is non stop this week, classic.

Ben and Kate, with Howard photographing. Hilarious.

Debra is a bit of a control freak on the old photo-taking. Nick agrees!

Love the, “We’re Doomed” sign on the printers. The augurs are bad.

Lorraine is no where near as bad as some of those in previous series, but she’s no Obama. Debra is getting worried.

Pitch time, I hate this part, and won’t make any judgements on it. Past series have shown just one success can sway the entire task, and selective editing is always an issue, particularly of “reaction shots”.

They’re so horrible to James! Like Churchill the nodding dog, and Sir Alan and Ben have a good chuckle! He’s really taken this “be more likable” thing to heart.

Sir Alan has finally picked up on the 110% business! What a legend!

Here are the numbers:
Empire:
Powerhouse: 0 orders
Totally Fitness: 0 orders
John Lewis: 500 orders

Ignite:
Powerhouse: 80 orders
Totally Fitness: 100 orders
John Lewis: 10,000 orders

Wow. Ignite blew it out of the ball park there! That was fantastic! Not sure how they managed it, but clearly I’m spending too much at John Lewis.

Ben’s a bit worried, and knows he’s up for it. Hope he’s not fired, he’s given us some gems.

“I play tennis and I go dancing.” I really like Kimberly. She seems to have a life, and seems one of the most genuine candidates.

I actually agree with James here, in that it was probably better not to slag off the product once it was already built and there was nothing to be done.

He brings back Madge and Ben. Shame, as all three have actually contributed to making the show reasonably entertaining.

Love how they slag off the product. It’s not an easy thing to come up with.

And the final ruckus begins. Sir Alan likes Ben. Falling back onto his instincts. And…. Madge goes. Have to confess that it was a difficult decision this week, and a shame he had to go. He didn’t really do anything wrong, unlike the other two, although admittedly he could have got more stuck in.

So there we go. If we’re honest, no one really did much wrong individually. It was just a poor product. You get that sometimes.

It’s been a while, but I am still blessed with life, at least enough to continue this excellent adventure into the blogosphere. Yes, I am back and, it seems, riding in on a wave of pretentious and unnecessary verbal nausea. Ahh well.

Easter was lovely, and provided some much needed rest time. Now, though, things are back to the hive of activity that is University life, although if the weather stays as glorious as it has been for the last two days here on the banks of the Cam, I will never complain again.

Newswipe, the spin off from Screenwipe, hosted by the ever brilliant Charlie Brooker, continues to be very enjoyable or, at least, I will say that I like to watch it. Often, however, the subject matter is so depressing that I feel that I will never watch T.V. news again, becoming some sort of conscientious objector. It seems that, despite the fact I had always disliked certain aspects of the news, I was nevertheless compelled to watch it, no doubt partly because of memories of stern schoolmasters badgering me to do so, but also because I thought that it wasn’t enough to merely read such stories of global significance online. Now, though, with some independent observer confirming my cynical beliefs and ramming damning evidence upon such an unholy union of celebrity and current affairs, I feel purged of my temptation. Strictly BBC news website from now on, whilst still avoiding that most odious abode of the ignorant, Have Your Say. We shall not go there.

That said, you too should indulge in some Charlie Brooker, if you don’t mind having to catch up You’re Fired on iPlayer. It’s on Wednesday night, 10.30pm on BBC4.

I have not yet, however, managed to catch up the Apprentice, and this evening’s episode will make it three weeks that I have not yet seen. Fear not, friends, for this will be rectified. It will not be long.

Something I did come across, not that I am sure how, is Bizarre ER, a BBC3 show bringing us the lighter side of Accident and Emergency. Some inner masochist inside of me read the list of bizarre complaints and felt a desire to see them in the flesh. The show holds no punches, and does indeed show everything. I still thought it was rather tame until the last segment, however, where a man recounts a terrifying car crash he experienced, the result of which he was impaled by a huge chunk of wood straight through one of his buttocks. Words can’t really describe the image of this that someone had thought to capture, suffice to say it made me squirm.

On the music front, I have been listening to The Hazards of Love for a while now, and my opinion is that it is an enjoyable album, though that it perhaps lacks the catchy tunes of its predecessors. The Wanting Comes in Waves is a definite highlight, though, and when played through as one long rock opera it works. My sister prefers it to the more folk-y sounding nature we might expect from the Decemberists, though I think that we will hear that sound a lot more in their future work: this was a diversion, not a change of course.

Bizarrely enough, I have also caught myself listening to this, over the last few days, prompted by an idle jaunt around Youtube that lead me to this. Perhaps the less said about this, the better, although it is interesting to note that Wikipedia says that the artist and I share a birthday. Is this a vision of a future taste. I think not, fortunately.

It’s an interesting point, though, and one I’ve often thought about: what will I like in the future? Will I fall foul of the mind numbing of age, falling back onto some stereotype of a middle aged man? Or will I retain some sort of childish adolescence throughout life? While I give permission to all to shoot my future self, should he, say, start sympathising with the Daily Mail, I think that the fact that I spent a good part of this holiday playing Pokemon Diamond and even spent some of it perfecting my impressions of the original and hallowed seven score and ten, might suggest that some part of the maturity train has long since passed on by. The game remains as good as it ever was, and I will be buying the latest version when it falls this May.

I also had the chance to play, and complete, Professor Layton and the Curious Village. This was most enjoyable, and so lovingly crafted that I cannot wait to pick up the next one. The basic gameplay is puzzle solving, either to appease members of the eponymous village, or to open doors, find clues, and generally progress the story. The puzzles are varied and actually pretty challenging. I also loved the outrageous storyline, including an attempted murder of the fantastic Professor and his trusty apprentice by Ferris wheel! This must be seen to be enjoyed.

That’s probably all for now. I must just mention that Clement Freud died last week. This made me rather sad, as it was his wit and charm that where the only things I really enjoyed about Just a Minute. The ever frustrating, annoying and pompous host seems to cancel out all other rays of brilliance, even the talented Paul Merton. He will be missed.

Robbed of doing this live again, here’s this week’s commentary.

Opening Credits Role…. It’s going to be good.

Mona pauses a little to long on the telephone, sounds like the other end was recorded separately.

I like this new york girl, she seems determined but not needlessly aggressive.

It’s like some sort of classroom. Mr. Sugar.

“Their hungry for business, but their also hungry for lunch.”

Producers clearly want to keep the bitchiness from last week, no change in the teams.

Rocky seems perfect as project manager, so lets hope the boys don’t balls up.

Ok, I hate Yasmin. Their already bitching with each other.

Lol, Ben and his best of British. Not sure why both teams feel the need to have a ridiculous theme. Just seems stupid, just make some food, and make it tasty.

Philip – we’re working with the 2012 Olympics – What? This guy just digs holes for himself, although he deals with the experience question well.

They’re obsessed with this theme idea. Props? Costumes? What. The. Fuck? Statues?

Am I the only one who thinks that they’re going mad? Focus on the fucking food, for God’s sake. If the food is awesome, no one’s going to care that they’re dressed in suits. If the food is awful, the fact that they look like a joke, is just going to make things worse.

The Girls look on course to win this one. Surprise, surprise, the boys are not getting any orders.

Now the boys have to estimate the number of sandwiches they’ll sell without knowing how many orders their going to have.

Girls trying to broker the deal for the menu, don’t seem well briefed on the menu, but it seems to be going all right. Ooo, the clients have added a wonderful clause which seems all to perfect from the producers’ point of view, they reserve the right to pay less to the girls  if they don’t cover the

£60 per head! For what, some sandwiches? Sounds ridiculous, £3000 for the package seems too high, given the quality. Philip is leading the negotiation – recipe for success I think not!

It is ridiculous! Surprise, surprise the boys are well off. Philip is playing a guessing game as to what to charge, they’ve manage to get £15 a head, and are lucky at that.

Girls seem obsessed with cost cutting, hopefully leading to maximum embarrassment.

Boys are going to look ridiculous. For once I completely agree with Philip. Yasmin seems in control, and in her element, even though she’s a bit of a bitch. Some of the girl’s haven’t been properly trained, it seems. Nice forbidding comment, “there’ll be a lot of complaints today.”

Peanut butter sandwiches sounds… interesting. Are there going at £15 a head? I’m slightly confused.

1 sandwich per person. If I got that for lunch, I’d be furious. “It looks like you’ve dropped it.”

As usual, these city types are picky bastards.

The group with Philip are doing well, it seems. Certainly chosen an excellent spot.

Feedback time! Classic response: that is not a chicken wrap. I agree with the guy, why wouldn’t you just go to Pret?

Yasmina is a ruthless lady.

This is stupid from Nick. He’s completely correct, but he forgets that this is the apprentice. If they want good food then why don’t they get professionals? Like, professional chefs? You can’t just take a load of “business” people, and expect them to come up with Michelin starred food.

“It looks like a brothel.”

Rocky’s Olympians. Oh dear, I don’t think I can watch this. This is hilarious. Hilariously bad. Why isn’t Yasmina back stage, helping out with the food? Isn’t she supposed to have the experience. She seems to over estimate the effects of alcohol on these city folk. James seems to have a difficult job.

Classic, sweet pancake with savory food in it…

The evening is over. Thank God.

Yasmina is horrible. She’s out nastied Debra this week. Time for the post mortem.

Seem positive about the team leaders this week, it seems. Whoever wins will have got off lightly, both teams have made a load of mistakes

Ignite:
Spent: £354.77
Takings: £1006.20
Profit: £651.43

Empire:
Spent: £821.37
Takings: £660.61
Loss: £

A loss! Classic! Massive difference between boys and girls!

So the boys loose: expected that, but not by that much! Can sense angry Sr’Alan will be appearing soon.

Polo looks quite fun, Yasmina’s cost cutting and ruthlessness paid off and, in retrospect, the girls were much the better team.

Rocky seems to be drawing the battle lines. Not sure Howard is the right person to pull into the board room.

“I honestly feel like I did when my cat died!” Classic from James.

James is hilarious.

Rocky, I think, should go. He made errors, and he should have had the expertise.

James doesn’t want to be taken back into the boardroom, so is sucking up to Rocky, but risks alienating everyone else. Ben’s having a good chuckle. If James had kept quiet.

Don’t think it was Philip’s fault, he was left in a nasty situation, but to be honest should have realised that it was too high.

Nick’s been stalking!

Ok, I really don’t know why Howard is being brought back, although maybe we’re about to find out. James makes to leave: “not you,” chides Sir Alan.

I think Rocky should go, but his “youth” may save him. They all seem to hate James, and I’m not sure why. Possibly he just talks rubbish too much of the time.

“I think you should fire the pair of them.” Maybe that’s why? Making lots of friends there.

Rocky’s playing the sympathy card. Think it may touch Sr’Alan’s heart of stone.

James or Rocky… think it’ll be James.

No, Sr’Alan agrees with me for a change. It’s a shame, seems a nice guy.

Love the look on Philip’s face when he see’s James come back. And so we reach the end. Apparently, You’re Fired this week is very good.

Ben looks hilarious next episode!

As ever, Anna Pickard over at the Guardian’s Organ Grinder blog has worked wonders with her commentary of this week’s Apprentice episode. I always tend to read each week’s delectable nuggets after I’ve seen the episode, as a kind of humorous reminder of the saga that has exploded over the previous hour, but I’d be interested to hear if people actually read her thoughts while watching the programme.

Anyway, I’m with Anna in thinking that the boys were somewhat robbed by the numbers. Yes, their costing was appalling, but the girls managed to get away with murder, rolled up in a budget wrap. And I can’t help but feel sorry for Rocky, that “star of the north-east”, who is apparently “too young to be an apprentice”. Poor kid – he missed out on an apprenticeship at the age of sixteen, and look where he ended up. Nonetheless, I agree with Howard in that Rocky did bring the wrong people back into the boardroom – Philip is far mouthier and tetchier than James, and arguably did even less for the good of the task. But Rocky definitely shouldn’t have been fired.

I’ll leave you with two absolute diamond quotations from the show, which really sum up the differing approaches to communication favoured by Surallun and Nick.

Nick: “They’ll want the best food you can imagine. And what are they getting? Cheddar on a stick.”

Surallun: “Perhaps you have a difficult way of expressing yourself.”

No, Surallun, it is you.

The above is a quotation.

The chances are, most of you didn’t catch Charlie Brooker’s Newswipe, which showed on BBC4 at 10.30 Wednesday night. The show is a spin off from the great man’s Screenwipe and takes a cynical look at T.V. news from the inside. The first episode focused on the sensationalist reporting of the “Credit Crunch”, as well as a particularly poignant piece on the German school shooting, seen above.

The show was up to the standard of Screenwipe, and as usual featured several contributers, other than Brooker. Tim Key was on hand with his surreal and occasionally bizarre poetry – not his best poem, but the man is a genius. Also appearing was Nick Davies, author of Flat World News, a book which talks unfavourably about many of the ways in which news is brought to our attention by the media.

The reason I enjoy watching Brooker so much is mostly because he seems like a lone voice of sense on television these days, but also because of his amusing, cynical and straight talking presenting style: “I’m not saying Jeremy Kyle is Satan, I’m just saying you could easily cast him as Satan… especially if you wanted to save money on special effects.”

Overall, you should definitely check it out on iPlayer if you haven’t already. As I may have mentioned before, due to the hard work of one Youtube account holder, all of Charlie Brooker’s past series are avaliable here. Please watch.

Yes, it’s a day later than Michael’s own Apprenticewatch, but my excuse is pretty reasonable – I was at the theatre, dahling, watching the somewhat pretentious Madame de Sade, starring Judi Dench – armed with a walking stick – and Rosamund Pike – armed with elocution. It was a bit like going to a Debating IV, but with more posh French words.

So, I’m now fully iPlayer’d up, and ready to dish out a bit of post-Apprentice thoughts and recollections, served in a handy numerical list.

1. Mona “At the end of the day” Lewis. Well, it didn’t take very long to figure out who this series’ criminal cliché dependent was. Poor Mona can’t quite get away from the fact that she’s really an extra from the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency series, so she has to preface each of her explanations with 90s-style business hyperbole. Not only this, but Mona also seems to have a fondness for exaggerative language too, claiming that Debra created “hatred and disunity” in her sub-team. What, in three hours of car-washing? My dad didn’t manage to create “hatred and disunity” in sixteen years of getting me to help him wash the car.
2. Ben “Braces” Clarke. Clearly, I’m not that enamoured with Mona. The same can’t be said for Ben. His Irish burr is ever-so-slightly loveable. His dress sense reaches almost Raef-ish standards of perfection. He likes mucking out, whether on the rugby field or in a car park. The only question remains, why did he read Economics & Business at university? Surely Economics and Business are pretty much equivalent, no?
3. Anita “Also Frightened” Shah. Good call, firing her this early on. She seems to have had the life drained out of her, possibly by a childhood encounter with Darth Vader. I’m surprised she doesn’t have the same inward sucking of breath that Lord Vader shares with Gordon Brown. She’s lacking in personality, and it mattered not that Mona was a bad project manager, because keeping Anita on would have dragged the rest of the series downhill. She’s so perpetually frightened, she even merits this Animal Collective song:
4. Philip “The Geordie Power” Taylor. With a name like that, I had to, really. Anna Pickard (over at The Guardian’s Organ Grinder blog) seems to think there are a lot of people from the Midlands this time round, but I reckon there’s a fair old bunch of Northerners too. Asserting his masculinity, Philip gets in there as the first contestant to fire up the macho machine, yelling “We made more money than yeh!” at the girls upon their return from the boardroom. Where he’s from, women are only good for the kitchen.
5. Majid “Mr. Ogyny” Nagra. Continuing and expanding on the sexism of Philip, Majid takes every opportunity to suggest that men are better at cleaning, business-dealing, cooking, probably even child-bearing, than women. I don’t think it’s just his Asian cultural heritage. Maybe he’s hiding something. Maybe he has an abusive wife.
6. Lorraine “I’m not that scary” Tighe. Oh but she is. As InternetFact comments over on the Organ Grinder, she looks like “David Coulthard in drag.” Ouch.

Finally, some additional thoughts:

• I realise that the boardroom scenes and taxi exits are staged, but still, what kind of suspension of disbelief are they expecting to make us believe that the contestants can fit their power suits, cufflinks, shoes (and in Ben’s case, braces) in a tiny little suitcase?
• String arrangement over the closing credits? What is this: The Apprentice meets University Challenge?

Griping over with, it was as entertaining an hour as I’ve come to expect from the show, though, as Michael mentions, Surralun’s scripting this time round is extremely painful and forced. My early favourite to win? My heart says Ben (just like I predicted Raef to win last year), but my head says either Philip, Majid, or Debra. For goodness sake, Debra has a degree in English Literature. In my books, she can do no wrong!

Next week’s task looks like a classic food-based task, in that one of the candidates will probably severely mis-judge socially normative views on taste and flavour, and will create some monstrous culinary masterpiece, pairing roast chicken with porridge, served with raspberry foam and an emulsion of mange tout. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, here’s the play by play commentary I produced from last night’s Apprentice. Hopefully next week it’ll go out live.

Welcome to my boardroom – a euphemism there perhaps?

“I know the words to Candle in the Wind, don’t make me Elton John.” Sir Alan showing his knowledge of popular culture, but he’s fooling no one.

“I’m as hard to play as a Stradivarius and you lot, I can assure you, are are easy to play as bongo drums.” Has this been scripted? There’s something to his timing. Also, what the hell does that even mean?

This job “might be the last one you ever need.” Ok, this is definitely scripted. The weird similes, the odd turn of phrase.

Introduces the stooges. Has Margret put on weight? Certainly looks like it.

“I wonder if we can clean people?” Because that makes sense. Where  did they find these people?

Team name choosing time. Remember The A Team? Different choices include Shazaam, Strike, Carpe Diem. Sr’Alan will love that Latin, won’t he? They go for Empire and Ignite and, for once, don’t seem to spend ages on it.

Weird group dynamics for project manager selection, also who the fuck says “negative” instead of “no”?

Hilarious silence follows the question “who feels they can actually do it?”. Debra clearly doesn’t.

“What’s this?” Seriously? It’s a duster!

Philip seems to be getting down to things: could pay off. Girls seem a bit disorganised. Nick agrees!

Girls use almost all of their budget… mistake?

Philip already going against team leader, offers to clean inside straight away.

“Bleedin’ su doku or something” It’s a hose, for God’s sake!

£60! Classic Apprentice mistake, Girls are miles off with their quote. Now she’s insulting the customer, what an idiot.

Why the fuck are they still there arguing for the hummers? This is such an error. And they all look like twats.

Boys seem to be getting down to things, but selective editing has always been an issue in this show. Mind you, cleaning a car seems to be harder than it looks as they’re making heavy work of it. Also seems project manager might have saved his bacon by telling them not to clean the inside of the cars, as that seems to be taking the time.

This is why you get professionals to clean your car. Howard seems to be reasonably on top of things, Philip seems to realise the deal to clean the minicabs may not be as good as it might have first seemed. Girls seem to be winning, on the evidence available, but they probably spent more of their budget.

Oh Margret, you’re so witty with your Churchill puns. Not.

Boys seem to have come together a bit better. Interested to hear what the final totals will be. Get the impressions Girls have made more.

Philip is annoying me…

Boardroom time. Sir Alan yet again pretends he hasn’t seen the footage. Bitching at the team leaders already, all screams self preservation.

Ignite: Took £357, Spent £196.45, profit £160.55

Empire: Took £347, Spent £107.39, profit £239.61

Boys won! Not bad – one man down as well! “I’m sure you’re going to down a few.” Sounds so forced from Sir Alan.

Girls start the bitching. Love it.

There’s a feeling of Sr’Alan giveth and Sr’Alan taketh away. The night in the penthouse is set to really motivate the girls to spark up in the boardroom. Debra is a bitch, but not sure that’s going to be any special about her amongst the girls. She’s starting the meeting aggressively.

I love this whole talk of “business plan”. The politics of the boardroom are as interesting as ever. Anita’s getting dragged in. Good thing too, she needs to smile a bit more. No surprises on who is being brought back. Debra seems to have decided that Mona will be easier to get rid of, despite the latter offering an olive branch, so she’s sticking up for Anita.

The boardroom is incredibly noisy, for so early in the series. Could go either way this. “And for that reason… I’m struggling.” Sir Alan, you tease!

Sir Alan’s gut instinct is telling him something? He had the wrong thing for lunch? And it’s…

Anita! She’s out of there. Nick doesn’t like Debra and, for a change, I probably agree with him on this one.

Sir Alan doesn’t like lawyers, eh? Tell that to Margret.

Next week looks good: you will not escape the net!

And that’s a wrap. Lots of promise here for the series, roll on week 2! Based on the first episode, looks like Howard and Kate will do reasonably well and Debra is lucky to still be there, but you never know, depends on if they impress the producers Sir Alan.

God I love this woman.

The trail here wasn’t needed at all for me to be excited, but it’s worth watching.

That’s right, the Apprentice is back, and the fresh meat candidates have been announced. Let’s hope the producers have chosen the usual bunch of ridiculous characters, primed and ready to clash with one another. You can get a sneak preview of them all here, although all of the biographies seem to have been written as a summary from the contestants applications forms, so who knows what they can tell you. There are still a few classic comments, such as Ben’s belief that “making money is better than sex”, but the best has to come from the estate agent Phillip who boasts “business is the new rock ’n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”. He’s an estate agent! I love these people’s delusions.

I also love (or, rather, I hate) how shallow the people on the program are, as well as the way they talk about “business” all the time, and their personal skills in the field, like it means something more than simply “buying and selling stuff”. I personally like to imagine them as a group of ferret breeders. I say “love” because, while I find the vast majority of contestants shameful, horrible and occasionally revolting individuals, this only serves to aid my enjoyment of the show as, one by one, they turn on each other or simply fail at a task and their ego boosting boasts are shown to be baseless and as out of touch with reality as Alan Sugar’s business itself. It is hilariously nasty. It might be nice if there was one like Jack Dee, but then they would undoubtedly be fired in the first week. Sir Alan doesn’t like people who make fun of the seriousness of the “job application”.

Indeed the beauty of the Apprentice is always about the contrast between what those involved claim they can achieve, and what they actually can achieve (including, of course, the big man himself). The producers have also long since brushed aside the illusion that the series is anything more than a game show, albeit a more drawn out and more complicated one.

Can’t wait for the series to begin later this month. I plan to do a post mortem after each show, so check back here when it does!

I had revived hope in Britney Spears’ pop value and her chosen production team after the “Circus” video, but now I see that I was mistaken. Nevermind that this song is a hot mess, including a very annunciated “ha ha he he ha ha ho” and ridiculous grammatic aberrations (“all of the boys and all of the girls can’t wait to if u seek Amy,” and yes, I get it that she’s spelling “FUCK ME,”) in the lyrics, it’s just a “conceptual disaster” all around, as Tom Colicchio would say. As a song, I deem it worse than Womanizer.

Check it.

Now I’m not a major consumer of Britney products, but seeing as she’s like this American symbol for pop and has major global visibility, I wish she would get a little more creative. How many more of these “dual personality/reality” videos is she going to make?! So far we have, “Toxic,” “Womanizer,” “If U Seek Amy,” “Lucky,” etc. I can imagine her in meetings being like, “Okay but what if I were like, two people?! Two different people, with like, different outfits and hair?!” I can only assume the people she’s working with to make these videos have never seen anything she’s ever done before.

C’mon Brit, you can do better.

As you likely know, this weekend is the release of the much-anticipated adaptation of the modern classic Watchmen. You’ve seen the trailers for weeks and scanned all the early reviews, but we should all take a minute to revisit the source material- the classic 1980s tv show. I’m sure some of you remember watching this over your bowls of Froot Loops!

I only hope the true spirit of the show is able to be translated to the big screen.  Critics who’ve seen early screenings seem to be divided on the matter, but I’m going to see it Sunday for myself, and I’ll report back here!

Earlier: Comic Shop: Watchmen by Alan Moore.

Hmm. While eating my tea today I had the rather dubious pleasure of watching Richard Hammond’s Engineering Connections on BBC iPlayer. I thought I’d share my thoughts. I was expecting the program to be a reasonably diverting 50 minutes of Top Gear-esque tomfoolery with engineering: I was sadly disappointed.

This episode is the first of the first series and centered around the Airbus A380, the super-sized jumbo jet recently unleashed into the skies. I’m especially interested in engineering and physics and, moreover, the A380 is a masterclass of technical design: I’ve no doubt about that. I was hoping the program would delve into some of the clever solutions and interesting quirks that made this particularly large airplane different from its standard sized contemporaries, see how it was designed and the problems the designers faced.

Unfortunately, there just wasn’t enough depth to the program to be of any interest. I can adequately sum up all of the points made thus: airplanes are made of an aluminum and fiberglass composite, landing gear uses shock absorbers, wings have tips to improve efficiency, some for of chemical reaction helps blow up the evacuation slides. That was it – literally. The rest of the show was just pointless, tedious padding stating obvious bits of physics and giving uninspiring demonstrations.

It didn’t help that most of the analogies that the program tried to draw – between different engineering solutions – were just ridiculous.  Sure, Mongol bows may have been made of a mixture of sinew and tusk but to imply that the A380’s composite fuselage was directly influenced by this seemed stupid: the only reason the thing seemed to have been shoehorned into the show was to allow Richard Hammond to fire some arrows off horseback. The practical experimets also lacked any interest for the most part, including one in which we simply watched Hammond demonstrate that you can smash glass with a hammer.

The format of the show is also all wrong. Richard Hammond, as enjoyable as he is to watch on Top Gear, was left to pull the entire weight of the documentary: he did the voice overs, the experiments (occasionally assisted by the usual experts in the field) and had to conjure up a sense of excitement – all on his own. Billed as “his journey” into the world of aerospace engineering it just didn’t work, there clearly needed to be more people and, as a result, the whole thing just felt flat. The show also felt dumbed down: the physics explained was dubious at best and I was constantly left thinking: where are Mythbusters? This is only the first ever episode of this show and it’s already vastly less interesting, less imaginative and less fun to watch as Jamie and Adam’s science adventures.

The show was, in the end, a pretty blatant piece of publicity for Airbus, with the names of both the company and the plane being mentioned repeatedly explicitly, as well as being referred to a lot as “the designers”. It also crammed more subtle publicity down our throats: that plane travel is more fuel efficient than car travel and the like. It struck me that the show would have been much more interesting about a plane like Concorde which, though much older (30 years old!), is actually still much more interesting, especially in terms of engineering.

In the end, the only interesting bit was watching chickens (not live) being fired at the sample composite material. And they only did it twice.

Olivia posted about the first season in its fledgling days.  The show is now beginning its  second season, which is somehow managing to be even more awesome than the first.  The second episode of the season featured the amazing “Sugalumps”:

The highlight for me so far is this moment from the third episode, in which the whole cast chimes in on “Hurt Feelings”- a scene which will be familiar to most film nerds:

From the piano to the little bits of dialogue to the extreme widescreen, it’s a perfect homage to the classic scene in Magnolia.  This season, the production values and technical aspects of the show are more polished, without abandoning any of the homemade sensability that makes it so lovable.

So what’s on my wishlist for this season?  More of Murray being pathetically poor.  His drying his underwear in the office microwave will never cease to be funny to me.  More of Mel, because she’s arguably the funniest character on a show full of funny characters.  More Brooklyn!  It doesn’t hurt that this Sunday’s episode prominently featured a bar that I was at, at the very moment the episode aired.  Obviously the laws of time and space and post-production mean I was nowhere near actually meeting them, but a girl can dream, can’t she?  Basically, guys, just keep doing what you’re doing.  The boys have yet to hit a bum note (lol pun), and I’ll keep watching this show as long as they keep making it.

It’s been a few years, now, since the internet was hit with the bizarre, amusing and yet occasionally frightening Salad Fingers. If you haven’t, go check it out to see what is was that people found so strangely alluring.

While a lot of us have seen the first animation and, in some cases, watched several of the series, only a few seem to have gone on and delved into the other works of their creator, David Firth. If you haven’t: keep reading! Here comes the enlightenment.

David Firth, whatever you may think of his work, is full of creative and imaginative ideas. He has churned out over 50 cartoons over the last few years: not all have been successful on the internet but many, I think, should have been. Firth’s genius lies in mixing the satirical, the surreal and the downright disturbing into cartoons and animations that are often bewildering, occasionally funny and always entertaining. Here’s an example of what I mean.

The Child That Smelt Funny is probably second only to The Latest Model in terms of blatant satire. All of the cartoons are scripted and designed by Firth, which is no mean feat, and this feature some cracking lines, my personal favourite being:

Spines in Brine are so cheap that I can afford to become some variety of serial arsonist!

Here he weaves his satire into a weird distorted version of reality with the kind of license and freedom to explore ideas that would hinder others not making internet based animation of this kind. The next work is alot more darkly surreal, an acid trip of a cartoon. If you’re in a certain frame of mind, this can even seem pretty scary.

Spoilsbury Toast Boy is a series that plays out in reverse and is amongst the most disturbing work that Firth has produced. I can see why many would not like it or, even, find it somehow tasteless or vacuous. I, however, am somehow strangely allured to his dark humour, and his cartoon-horror style: you certainly wouldn’t get this on TV.

Firth is, above all, an accomplished animator. Here he shows his expertise with a completely different style.

A Black And White Cartoon About Roof Tiling not only shows that here is a man who has much more ambition and creativity than your standard Newgrounds contributor, it also demonstrates how he adapts his distinctive style to accurately fit the story portrayed. Over the years he has dabbled with various styles and ideas, such as Stop Motion techniques, or clever live action sequences. From the man himself:

As time has trodden on, I’ve exhausted ideas, series, characters and jumped from one thing to another more that I should have been allowed to. I’ve got almost finished, half finished and quarter finished cartoons clogging my mammoth hard drive, countless scripts crammed into countless folders, online documents and five or six grotty notepads filled with ideas and bullet points that look more like odd words and phrases than anything remotely usable.

This is a mind at work, he has a real love for scripting and making these animations. It also reminds you of the time and the energy that must go into creating these: they aren’t just something any teenager with a computer and Flash could come up with: they take time to plan, to design, to animate, to record voices.

Much more lighthearted, now, to change the mood and show the animator’s cheerier side is Burnt Face Man.

The series continues much in this vein, feeling as a chance for its creator to let off some steam. I quite enjoy it: it’s funny in parts and is generally making fun of rubbish B movies, whilst still proving to be enjoyable.

Finally, I’ll leave you with his most surreal work to date. PTIKOBJ is supposedly inspired by Firth’s dreams, although where the dreams end and his crazy mind takes over is questionable. Like all of his work, it toes the line of being stupidly hard to follow, just managing to engage us enough to be of interest.

His latest project is a move towards producing a feature length animation, something he has hitherto steered clear from (and would probably mark a first for an internet Flash animator). Check out his progress here, as well as a little more insight into the creation of a cartoon. It’s also worth mentioning that he has produced several cartoons for the legend that is Charlie Brooker, as well as a “Mockumentary” on chav Britain, following the character of “Devvo”.

Interesting guy. Catch his main site here.

Words cannot explain how much I love this ad. It is funny, cheap, and incredibly aware of how awkward it is. Look at the girl wiping the counter’s face for even more amazing-ness. 

Who the hell came up with this idea? I don’t even know what this would look like on a script. “He slowly rips off his shirt, knowing the cashier will like what she sees”.  In line with this new wave of pastiche spots, this one is definitely at the top despite Skittles’ and Starbursts’ monopoly on the genre. How the actor did this with a straight face is beyond me. But I love it, it makes me want to buy Clearsil, and that’s all that matters.