I wonder if we could create a time capsule. We’d put in it the time where we’re at work but don’t have anything to do, like today, and use it when we’re really busy and have too many things to do.

So brick by brick

I am breaking  through these walls

Between you and me

I’m not giving up

- Katy Perry Unplugged -

There are times when I want to isolate myself. Not answering calls, replying to any text messages, ignoring whatsoever happening around me.

I ended up being in the four walls of my room, facing the laptop throughout the day.

Two weeks ago dreaming being at home, living in freedom excite me.

Now, I’m bored.

Seriously.

I ended up doing this  ( Inspired by 500 days of summer ):

I’m done with my pre-u course, which used to be the best thing that ever happens to me throughout this one year and a half. How I dreamt of having no more assignments, no more being freezing cold sitting for exams and tests, and not waking up at the breaking of dawn to rush for my 8 a.m class.

Now, my sleeping time is way out of routine. I slept whenever I felt there’s nothing better for me to do and ended up waking up 12 hours later.

I am running away from all my problems instead of facing it. I’ve lots to think about and to sort out lately. Yet, I ended up sealing all the problems in an imaginary box and tend to ignore it. A stupid thing to do I shall say as I ended up being in the starting point again.

ARGH!!!

I’m crapping.

LATER THEN..

why Anna in V has a flawless English accent but a crappy French accent? What, all aliens are fluent in English and have perfect ear for that language only?
I also wonder what people would have started doing if she had kept talking and talking when she was talking to the people on Earth from her ship in the first episode… How long til they’d get bored or decided they needed to pee?

why we get used to things. Why the novelty wears off. Why we’ll listen to a song over and over and stop after a while because it will have lost its magic. Why the passion for someone else dies off.

Why did I act that way last night? why did I get high? I never should have done that. Now I can’t get as much done as I wanted. Way to be responsible dumbass. I learned things I should have learned already. Always go to a party with a friend. Always. You never know what might happen. And 2, don’t get high around people I don’t know.  Regardless of how they might insist. I think I want to stay clean. I’m just annoyed at my lack of self control. And how I fail at meeting anyone but the losers. I feel like I can act normal around all the rejects. This is stupid. I should be able to act normal around normal people too

And I should have more fucking RESTRAINT! If I’m not using if for something I need, or if I know I don’t have anything important to do, its ok. But not when I know I have work to get done.

I want a dog or a cat. I still don’t think I can leave though… I need to figure out what I’m doing this summer. Maybe I can get a job over winter break at something sweet if I get a vehicle. Motorcycle? Keep it at moms? lol.

I wonder if sometimes swans they fall asleep and drift away and then when they wake up they don’t know where they are anymore.

why we itch. Randomly. No allergy, no bite. Just the urge to scratch sometimes.

I think as time goes by routine sets into motion and everything becomes obligatory, even to the extent of saying stuffs that hurts. I am not blogging this out of spite, in fact I feel weirdly calm. I know you are tired but you should know too that I don’t really want to play. I just wanted to whine. Why is it so that every time you said something hurtful I just had to tell myself maybe you had a bad day. I brush it off because I love you. I wonder did you even for a minute care about how I would feel before saying those words. But if you were to be in my shoes, will you do the same? Don’t be so quick to jump to a yes. You are not me. You don’t know how I feel.

And no, I am not even the slightest angry. I just thought you ought to know how I really feel.

I love you and that is the reason behind all those hurting,
should one day come and I no longer feel anything..
I wonder..

Every once in a while I think about that girl and the fairytale thing we had; I wonder if we would still be amazing if we were together now. And I’ll never know cause the minute it got hard, the minute it stopped being a fairytale, I cut and ran.  Real life is hard.  Real stuff takes work.  Real life is sometimes thoughtless and mean but that doesn’t cancel out the love.*

Just something I KNOW my ex will think one day…sad and yet it is truth and I must say it feels good to know that one day he will fully realize all that he lost. He will see and it will be too late and all he will do is wonder….maybe it is wrong to let that make me feel good but here is my honesty…this blog…and it feels good.

11-16-09   8:18 pm

* Quote taken from Private Practice episode airing 11-12-09. 

Written to Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k   the video from youtube

I don’t understand people. May be that is why I find them so entertaining. I really, really don’t understand any kind. With those whom I have observed for sometime, I can accurately tell you how each is going to behave in a situation. But the bottom line is that I don’t understand them.

Like I knew this girl. She was quiet, sorta indecisive and married. The reason why I mention she was married is that she would lead on the guys into believing that she was interested in them and incase of any move made by them, would just cut off. And never mention that she was taken. She was nice. I think so. Does that amount of infidelity? Or is that too contextual?

Or this fellow from college who was kinda ok to talk to. But he would derive these cheap thrills in fantasizing about married women. He specially liked Muslim women. He told me once that the reason he was made curious about them was coz they were mostly under wraps. I think he was a pervert and a psycho.

Or this girl, again, once upon a time my roomie (till I realised she was mad), who appeared to be the most innocent, almost scared-of-the-big-bad-world types. I can tell you, she was nothing like the sort. She was bordering on alcoholism, planned to never marry (her funda was to have only illicit love affairs that she would make sure are never discovered) and would try to slit the feet of one of my friends with a blade. And she was possessive to the degree of being a stalker. But this was limited to only the people she thought were ‘her’ friends. I am talking from experience.

In each case, these people are something in front of the world, but in the privacy of their worlds have more or less confessed to their inherent nature. Now, I know you would be wondering about the kind of people I have known, but look around yourself and you shall find ‘People are WEIRD’. What is with the masks? I just don’t get it.

Now, I am considered manic-depressive, insufferable know-it-all( Hermoine was called this by Ron) who cannot look beyond herself and basically has her foot in her mouth more often than not and who has an ego larger than her head. And I don’t really blame the people for thinking so. Maybe I am. The point is- it is in your face. There are no layers. What I am, I am. Always. I have no alter-drawing-room personality.

Just a quick thing. I know I mentioned last month that I was at around 50% recall rate in terms of how many days I woke with memories intact enough to write them down. Well, it’s gone even more mental this month. Every day of November I’ve written down at least one dream upon waking except the 3rd, 5th and 7th, so that’s a jump to 75% [in a twelve-day cycle, but still]. Recurring themes of late: drawing in groups; lost in large buildings or spaces; gathering or trying to contain; and as always, swimming pools.

Now, just for fun, an excerpt of one of the recent travel dreams:

The region was the location of a geological singularity consisting of many of these “lakes” that were not lakes. They felt more like shallow rivers, but had no mouths nor sources so they were not rivers either. Exceedingly shallow, the bottoms were of a unique rock formation which was relatively smooth and consistent, and in whose crevices a species of water plant thrived. The plants were low-growing by necessity and resembled succulents; had thick waxen leaves shaped like flattened domes of minarets, with jewel colors when the light caught them. Tourists were discouraged from plucking these plants, though here and there was evidence of ones that had been taken, then discarded on the pebbled shores. (The sight of them withered on dry land was enough to curtail the urge for a souvenir, as they looked bland and grey once taken out of their natural context.)

ok, this game is amazing. in every way possible. combining with the creators of final fantasy, disney made a great choice in deciding on sharing its characters to this name.

the game stars sora, his friends kairi and riku and sets on a tale of heartless, nobodies, love and hate and hits on ideals known to all.

personally, ive played and beaten (ok boyfriend has beaten) 1 and 2 and cant wait for the 3rd to come out.

theres all these mini ones i dont favor, i want the next chapter in the series.

any thoughts?

gah!

my hamstring still hurts and my mood is not doing me any favours because of this diet i am on. i have spent the majority of my time reading these past two weeks. i have finished ‘the twilight saga‘ and i must admit that it is a rather good series of books to read. the sparkly vampire thing is quick to get over with and then you sort of get dragged into the story. it didn’t help that the main character ‘bella’ was depressed through most of the second book, but i managed through it well enough.

right now i am feeling at ends between my ballet and my writing. it is slowly starting to dawn on me that i can’t do both, with equal zest, as much as i would love to. i just can’t choose, how do you choose which twin child to keep?! i will have to deal with this somehow and see what happens. also, another spanner in the works is that i am seriously contemplating getting back into engineering but (and it’s a big but) i am looking at a position in sales and marketing. a change as good as a holiday? i could be optimistic here…

so much is going in my noggin right now and it’s has been a bit tumultous up there. it hasn’t done much for my writing for nanowrimo, i have started on two stories as i couldn’t focus on the first. i think the biggest problem, which i am trying to overcome, is my incessant need to make sure it is a ‘good’ story which goes against the point of nano. i just need to get my head around just writing and not stopping to edit or berate myself for poor grammar! i will overcome…

seriously, why couldn’t life be a little less complicated?!

bah!

(‘complicated’ is sung by avril lavigne and is taken from her album ‘let go’)

If there is any thought behind the order of songs on a cd, if a particular order will make the cd more appealing or some songs sell better I’m sure there must be a marketing study somewhere on that

I listen to a good deal of music besides what I assign myself for my Sonic Cathedral CD reviews.  So in addition to my “book reviews,” I’ll also list off some of the CDs I’m digging right now.  First up is…

Band: Gotthard

Album: “Lipservice”

Year Released: 2005

Genre: Hard rock / modern classic rock

The first time I heard Gotthard’s frontman Steve Lee was on the last Ayreon album “01011001.”   He has this strong, charismatic voice that’s raspy and higher pitched than most male voices.  This makes him the perfect voice for Gotthard, a hard rock band that’s probably one of the funnest (yes, I’m making that a word) artists I’ve ever discovered.

Gotthard has actually been around for a long time.  This Swiss band has been together for almost 20  years and released its self-titled debut back in 1992.  So it shouldn’t surprise  you that “Lipservice” is Gotthard’s 11th – no, 12th? – album, and boy it’s a good one.

Gotthard’s strong suit is the uptempo rocker track.  Not too much adrenaline, just enough to get your foot tapping or your head bopping, but the catchy lyrics and melodies make up for it.  Songs such as “All We Are,” “Dream On,” and “I’m Alive” fall into this category, each one having subtle differences from the last.  “Lift U Up” is a true highlight – the clapping percussion reminds me a little bit of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” and makes it all the more memorable.  “Stay for the Night” is another playful romp, this one revved up by some great guitarwork.

Another great song with a slightly slower pace is “Anytime Anywhere.”  It’s one of the simpler tracks on “Lipservice,” allowing the lyrics to shine.  Everyone interprets lyrics differently, so forgive me if I’m wrong; but from what I’ve gathered, “Anytime Anywhere” is about the wealthy or high-profile members of society and how they think they are privileged enough to get away with anything: “You turn your back on poverty / You got your high society / Call up your friends, you know them all / You’re still immune to rise and fall.”  In fact, the lyrics in this song remind me of some of the subject matter in songs written by another classic pop/rock artist: Phil Collins.

Some midtempo tracks and ballads are featured on “Lipservice,” too.  Some are stronger than others.  For example, the first ballad, “Everything I Want,” is a bit predictable and bland but still a pleasant song.  “I Wonder,” however, is to-the-point and bittersweet with its soaring chorus.  The closing track, “And Then Goodbye,” is appropriate and quite beautiful.  It’s just an acoustic guitar strumming along as Steve sings about finding the courage to say three important words before it’s too late.

Wow, I started this blog entry by talking about Steve’s awesome voice, and then failed to mention it the rest of the way through.  *lol*  Well, it’s hard to pick a few songs where he’s at his strongest – simply because he’s just that good on each song.  If I had to pick, though, I’d say “And Then Goodbye” (for the raw, subtle emotion he delivers), “Stay for the Night” (just ’cause he’s so charismatic on that one!), “Lift U Up” (same reason as with previous song), and “I Wonder.”  He comes across as a perfect cross between a singer/entertainer and a singer/artist, injecting emotion and personality in each performance.

So, yes, I can’t get enough of “Lipservice” right now.  It’s married to my car stereo, and I think it’ll stay that way for a while longer.  The energy and good vibes in Gotthard’s music is so contagious, it’ll pick you up when you’re in a funk.  I highly recommend this album if you’re new to Gotthard’s music or if you’re looking for some fresh rock music.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Best Songs: “Lift U Up,” “Anytime Anywhere,” “I Wonder”

Anyone who lives in UK and is interested in current affairs or reads ‘Metro’ in the morning heard about BNP, Nick Griffin and his appearance on BBC’s show ‘Question Time’ earlier on this week. The idea of inviting this far- right politician into the show brought angry protesters outside (and inside) of BBC building as well as shock onto the streets of London (and probably other cities). Majority of us could not believe that someone who propagates rather difficult to digest policies will be given the opportunity to speak to millions of viewers. Despite of protests, disbelief and disappointment Mr Griffin took part in the show and was given (?) the opportunity to confront fellow panelists and, what’s more important, angry public.

If you ask me, the show was very chaotic, mainly about accusing BNP and its leader of racism, fascism etc. Everyone, including the host, was bombarding Griffin with his own quotes and policies, and it seemed like no one really was interested in his responds. It looked like Griffin was put in front of the public trial and sentenced guilty way before it even started. Now, I do not support BNP, I am against everything what Nick Griffin believes in, but I also do not understand public’s reaction (I know that this statement will not make me any friends). As shallow as he may be, the next day Griffin called himself a victim of lynch mob and accused BBC of twisting the show and focusing on race rather than his opinions on current events, such as postal strike (by the way, thanks to that producers managed to gained three times its normal audience). Of course, none of use believe Mr Griffin is victim of any kind but he did make a point which, in my opinion, had sence.

And one last thing, that really ment to be main subject of this post. What is the principle of freedom of speech? Are only people of similar opinions or commonly accepted beliefs given the opportunity to talk? Because at the end, no matter how much I wish it wasn’t the case, BNP is a political party, they do have supporters (amount of which is raising unfortunately) and certainly they do have the right to be on the national tv. So maybe instead of boycotting BBC and blindly attacking the leader, we should have let him talk more and see how he drowns?

Well, I’m sitting in history, waiting for class to start. The girl next to me we’ve talked, but she always stay quite. I hate quite people, leaves awkward silences. But, I have a funny devolpement. I blogged about how I talked to a random person. Using my forigen guy thing, well what happend was I get texted from brandi asking me if I was staliking her best friend. She talked about a friend named Rachel I just didn’t relize they where the same person. Oh well she thought I was creepy, but at least brandi dosent hate me. Aprently the Rachel girl thought I was stalking her and she told brandi to tell me to fuck off. Well brandi didn’t, and I gladly thanked her for it. I mean well, I’m just misunderstood I guess. My name is Maowrix, and I can solve your problems, just not my own. Until another day, this is Maowrx signing off.

Lately the dreams have been mental– this whole month, just mad. I think of the twenty twenty-one days passed thus far, I have recorded at least twelve dreams. Unheard of, but I did realize last February or March (whenever it was I decided to begin writing them down again) that the more regularly one keeps track of them, the better one gets at retaining the damned ephemeral things.

I have put a  few up here recently (whether anyone likes it or not), but there are many more– and there are  images in some of them that I find compelling. I think it’s my task to find a way of using the imagery– transmuting it somehow. (Unclear. Percolating, perhaps.)  Fact is, my sleeping brain often has far more interesting notions tripping across its surface than my waking (organized, anxious, predictable) brain. Pretty sure that means it’s not only a task but a duty to give some of these images a way to see light, other than simply recording them for my own (unending) amusement.

Dreams seem to get thicker during the colder months, and this month has shown a number of symbols lamenting the exit of Summer– there’s nothing for it; I’m always saddened by the sun’s exit stage left.

(Or is it right?)

it’s official… i am trying not to panic! it’s not going so well today seeing as i am at panic stations, nausea has taken control and i have this overwhelming need to sleep! i am a little freaked out, last week was good in the sense that i had ballet to fill up my time and now with the injury i am stuck at home studying for my french exam. you would think i would be more motivated though seeing as my exam is in less than 2 weeks!

ok. not going to panic right now, but i am borderline.

i am still in the process of finding alternative ways of earning income seeing as engineering really hasn’t been working out for me. i want to go into editing and proofreading and now i am in a process of trying to get myself prepped for that. who knew that there would be so much prep work for editing, but then again i am not one for jumping blindly into something. jumping yes, but i have to at least have some knowledge of what i am getting myself into. have some books on article writing and copyediting and now to actually read them. let’s hope that over the next few weeks i can maintain sanity (less the panic) long enough to actually read and finish some books. speaking of which, i have finished two books in the last week. i ready ‘memoirs of a master forger‘ by william heaney and ‘my horizontal life’ by chelsea handler. the former being a fictional autobiography of a book forger who can see demons and the latter being a non-fictional account of miss handler’s sexual adventures. if you are in the market for a good laugh then i can definitely recommend chelsea handler’s book. review to follow…

no ballet this week has really put a damper on things this week. trying not to dwell on it though and even trying to focus my attention on other things (like studying and my quilt panel which is due for november) and with the panicking and general freaked out me this week nothing seems to be happening past sleeping studying.

i really hope that things change for me soon. mentally that is…

(‘freak out’ is sung by avril lavigne and is taken from the album ‘under my skin‘)