Jalan ternyata masih panjang. Entah sampai sejauh mana. Kadang hanya bayangan tentang tujuan akhir yang menuntun kita. Kadang hanya anjing mengejar di belakang yang memaksa kita berjalan, tapi entah kenapa. Kadang kompas kita menari-nari tanpa arah, membuat kita bingung. Kadang kita ragu apakah kita benar-benar menginginkan tujuan kita. Kadang kita terlalu fokus pada tujuan, dan tidak tahu apa yang harus dilakukan setelah sampai di sana.

Kadang kita terlalu banyak berpikir. Stop worrying, and start walking. Let’s jump with two feet in the water.

These little town blues, are melting away
I’ll make a brand new start of it – in old new york
If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere
It’s up to you – new york, new york

- Frank Sinatra – New York, New York.

Okay, jangan biarkan beberapa kegagalan mendefinisikan hidupmu. Berjalan dengan kepala tegak, badan membusung, mencari jalan lain yang terbuka. Sedikit berputar tak apa, asal tak macet saja.

Kembali curhat, setelah kegagalan di beasiswa Total, dan membaca tulisannya Eric S Raymond, dan perkembangan di kerjaan belakangan ini, aku mulai mengevaluasi nilai-nilai dan tujuan hidup. Jika orang bilang lakukan apa yang bermasa depan, buatku, itu tidak cukup. Geeks are high-achiever. Kita ingin melakukan sesuatu dengan baik, pursuit of excellence. Memecahkan masalah-masalah yang menantang, macam bagaimana mengajari komputer untuk memahami bahasa manusia, atau mengajari komputer mencari pola di tengah-tengah kekacauan, atau membuat aplikasi yang dipakai banyak orang macam Firefox, Windows, atau Linux. Yet another enterprise application ain’t cut it. Baru saat ini sadar perkataan seorang dosen dulu, uang dan kebahagiaan bekerja sering tak seiring sejalan.

Itulah kenapa aku mengalihkan usaha untuk mencari Master Degree in IT Management menjadi Master in Computer Science. Aku mulai mencari paper yang menarik dan open problem yang di dunia Computer Science. Sekarang, aku mencari tujuan, sembari berjalan tanpa arah dan melakukan hal membosankan demi menjamin periuk nasi.

Tapi tetap, ini adalah kawah candradimuka. Tetap pursuit of excellence, tetap mencari cara terbaik untuk melakukan programming, tetap belajar menjadi better programmer, tetap membuka pikiran untuk semua ilmu. We don’t always like what we do, but we have to be passionate about it.

Jakarta, If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

*Rancauan tak jelas di pagi menjelang siang diiringi gerimis yang mengundang kantuk*

Monday, November 23, 2009

Sickness and patience do not go together.

1. Heard back from Outi of BoardSource, who suggested that I contact Bridgestar to list for a Volunteer Board. Bridgestar charges for listings ($50). Outi also suggested http://www.vcg.org/boardnetusa/net.asp to list for free.
2. Signed up to participate in Idealist’s Imgine, Connect, Act project (http://www.idealist.org/more)
3. Heard back from Natalia from United Way of NYC, who said that they only work with registered 501(c)(3) non-profits
4. Heard back from Pat from the Career Services at Columbia SIPA and they have set up an employer account for me in order to list volunteer opportunities, including the board
5. Had to resend the last batch of surveys
6. Called and e-mailed Jessie at Columbia GS to see about posting volunteer board information there.  She got me in touch with Erich.
7. Call Chantel at Realizing the Dream, Inc. about partnership
8. Emailed Professor Srikumar Rao (Professor of the Creative and Personal Mastery class at Columbia) about meeting up
9. Emailed boardnetUSA to see if the foundation can post board members w/o being a registered non-profit
10. Submitted volunteer and internship opportunities to SIPA
11. Edited and reposted 2nd-year projects on LBS

I admire this: http://www.idealist.org/ICA/root/en/Static/TheVision/default.

These guys have taken on an impressive initiative.

They have boiled the major problems of the world down into three main realities:

1. a substantial number of people want to do something to help others (even a simple act, like cleaning Granny’s gutters, say) – but they don’t, for whatever reason

2. our problems are the same world-over, but we have chosen in many cases to connect along separatist lines (just because we don’t want to get along with China doesn’t mean that pollution is going to hang around them more than us – we’re all toast)

3. there are plenty of ideas and solutions out there to tackle the problems of the world, but a lack of connection keeps them from being shared efficiently, if at all

Sounds naive?  Too optimistic?  Possibly.  But look here: list of countries! As of today, 6800+ from the US have joined the initiative, as well as people from 154 countries.  There are only approximately 195 countries in the world.  That means practically 80% of all countries in the world have at least one person who wants to imagine, connect, and act with others for the good of humanity.  If just one person in an entire country is willing to risk getting ridiculed for being an “idealist”, then I can stand with them.

Let’s at least see where it takes us, shall we?

Although it was only in the first half of the twentieth century that the term personalism became known as a designation of philosophical schools and systems, personalist thought had developed throughout the nineteenth century as a reaction to perceived depersonalizing elements in Enlightenment rationalism, pantheism, Hegelian absolute idealism, individualism as well as collectivism in politics, and materialist, psychological, and evolutionary determinism.

In its various strains, personalism always underscores the centrality of the person as the primary locus of investigation for philosophical, theological, and humanistic studies. It is an approach or system of thought which regards or tends to regard the person as the ultimate explanatory, epistemological, ontological, and axiological principle of all reality, although these areas of thought are not stressed equally by all personalists and there is tension between idealist, phenomenological, existentialist, and Thomist versions of personalism.

[ . . . ]

Personalists hold personhood (or “personality”) to be the fundamental notion, as that which gives meaning to all of reality and constitutes its supreme value. Personhood carries with it an inviolable dignity that merits unconditional respect. Personalism has for the most part not been primarily a theoretical philosophy of the person. Although it does defend a unique theoretical understanding of the person, this understanding is in itself such as to support the prioritization of moral philosophy, while at the same time the moral experience of the person is such as to decisively determine the theoretical understanding. . . . Stressing the moral nature of the person, or the person as the subject and object of free activity, personalism tends to focus on practical, moral action and ethical questions. (Continue)

(Via Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

Friday, November 20, 2009

1. Decided to utilize managed crowd sourcing for the data section as well.
2. Wrote the Participatory Peace Building section
3. Emailed Thomas at Blue State Digital about collaboration
4. Updated the Foundation’s FB and LinkedIn group profiles
5. Called the The Charitable Partnership Fund to find out more about what it does
6. Listed volunteer and internship opportunities on Idealist.org
7. Called BoardSource about collaboration
8. Sent job updates on LinkedIn

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A day of many conversations and much learning.

1. Created a group for the Foundation on Idealist
2. E-mailed Karin Lewis about volunteering
3. Posted for Web-development interns/volunteers with the Parsons, The New School, for Design (http://www.collegecentral.com/parsons)
4. Posted for Web-development interns/volunteers with Columbia
5. Registered for Web-development interns with NYU Tische School of Arts
6. Spoke with Clive, Executive Director of One Brick, about volunteers and running non-profits in general.  He told me about Boardsource, NYAC for insurance and a tech development service dedicated to non-profits.
7. Spoke with Rebecca, General Manager at Peace in 5 Years (P:5Y), about partnership opportunities.  She suggested that I create a Peace Team on the site.
8. Registered at Peace in 5 Years (P:5Y) and created a Peace Team
9. Posted for Web-development interns/volunteers with Fordham
10. Talked with Simon (friend in London) who said that I would need database development as well for the website and that the video content would be server intensive, therefore more expensive web hosting
11. Researched salary ranges for Foundation on Idealist and Careerbuilder

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Received our first donation from Sebastien (Belgium). Thank you very much for your support Sebastien!

1. Completed and submitted the Ashoka Fellowship nomination form
2. Received our first donation from Sebastien in Belgium
3. Edited the Donate button to include more information
4. Heard back from Aaron from the Taproot Foundation, who suggested that I get in contact with the Non Profit Coordinating Committee of New York (www.npccny.org), Executive Service Corp US (www.escus.org) and the TCC Group (www.tccgrp.com) to inquire about posting for volunteer board members
5. Heard back from Anna from Idealist, who suggested forming a group on the site for the foundation in order to look for volunteer board members
6. Heard back from Daniella at SIPA Alumni Services regarding posting for board members.  Wrote her an e-mail with the situation as we had discussed over the phone.
7. Visited the TCC Group, which is a consulting company apparently that specializes in the non-profit sector.  Left a message with the receptionist about listing for board members
8. E-mailed FIT Student Volunteer Services (212-217-4130 / svcs@fitnyc.edu) with requirements for the website.
9. Heard back from the Charter for Compassion about partnering.  Read the information sent to me and reconfirmed the desire to partner.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Getting more positive feedback and interest to collaborate.

1. Heard back from Gender Policy Working Group (GPWG) at SIPA and set up meeting to explore potential collaboration
2. Heard back from Kerrisha (NYC Business Solutions), who suggested that I get in contact with the Foundation Center (www.foundationcenter.org)
3. Talked with the Foundation Center about funding sources and was advised to visit their library.  Also have the option of subscription to their online database
4. Spoke with Rolando from the Legal Aid Society and was told to submit the Foundation’s business plan in order to see if it qualifies for pro-bono legal help
5. Heard back from Rebecca from Peace in 5 Years to schedule a call to talk about collaboration
6. Worked more on the financial projections
7. Spoke with Pallavi (alum from SIPA) about Foundation
8. Exchanged foundation vision and mission information with Bahattin from Via Dialoog
9. Updated the “About Us” blog page with Vision and Mission Statements.
10. Registered company on Idealist.org
11. Created a LinkedIn profile for the foundation

Imi place sa ma trezesc dimineata si sa vad raze jucause de soare ca danseaza pe plapuma purpurie. Instant, mirosul de cafea din bucatarie imi inunda narile si imi patrunde in creier. Ma ridic in capul oaselor si inspir aerul rece-intepator al zilei de Noiembrie. Prin geamul intredeschis intra racoarea diminetii si ma cutremura putin. Imi lipesc un zambet si ies din camera. Pe masa se afla o farfurie cu paine prajita, bucati de ciocolata amaruie si felii de portocale, iar alaturi un bilet :

Sunt prea rare momentele cand iti vad sufletul fericit, asa ca m-am gandit ca daca iti dau un inceput bun, ai sa zambesti pana la asfintit. Si da, te iubesc si azi!

Ma infrupt din painea prajita si desertul pregatit si ies pe balcon. Nu era niciun nor pe cer, iar afara se mai incalzise. Ma imbrac repede, imi parfumez esarfa rosie carouata pe care o pun la gat si ies in graba. Ajunsa sub ploaia de frunze aurii, imi incetinesc pasul si imi raresc respiratia, pentru a lasa toamna sa-mi umple fiinta. Ajung in cafeneaua cu biblioteca si ma proptesc in fata unui raft plin de carti cu titluri atragatoare. M-am limitat la una si am inceput a citi la o masa intr-un colt, la fereastra, cu un cappucino Starbucks langa mine. Dupa ce am terminat de baut, m-am dus sa platesc si am achizitionat si cartea.

Apoi ma duc in parcul din centru, ma opresc in mijlocul platoului verde si imi pregatesc aparatul de fotografiat. Imortalizez emotii si idei, pe care ulterior le editez cat sa fie ideale. Am pastrat in aparat existenta mea, a naturii si a altor oameni care m-au lasat sa le colectionez spiritul. Am plecat spre casa, sub un cer cenusiu acum, prin cartierul cu magazine. Ma hraneam cu bucuria copiilor mici ce primeau un mic cadou asa, ca de week-end fericit.

Aproape de apartament, imi scot cheile si privind in jos, raman impietrita. Erai tu, pe trepte, cu o chitara in mana si fredonai “I’m yours”. Am cantat impreuna refrenul si am ras de privirile uimite dar dragastoase care ne inconjurau. Am urcat in camera in aplauzele trecatorilor. Am ascultat ultimul CD al trupei tale preferate pe care mi l-ai adus si am povestit despre ziua noastra “libera de tot”. Ti-am cantat la pian versurile unor sentimente si ti-am recitat o poezie a lui Nichita Stanescu.

La final, in pijamale, ne-am dus pe balcon si am asteptat pana au aparut mai multe stele. De aici, nu mai tin minte decat ca acele luminite ale cerului mi-au cantat un cantec de leagan si am adormit zambind in bratele tale.

Urmatoarea zi am completat biletul precedent cu:

Misiune indeplinita!

*Pur fictiv, dar asta e ceea ce as numi eu o zi perfecta. Sau cel putin una din variante. Asa as vrea sa ma trezesc intr-o zi, bucurandu-ma ca traiesc. Si majoritatea chestiilor astora se numara printre lucrurile marunte care m-ar face fericita. Pentru ca viata consta in detalii. Si pentru ca sunt o visatoare incurabila cand ajung in acel sector al mintii inundat de sentimentalism.*

Today I'm gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
'Cause we don't have long, gonna make the most of it
(Today) Today I'm gonna love my enemies
(Tonight) Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
'Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
(Skillet - One day too late)

©Lorena.

Promise Yourself

Promise yourself to be so strong
that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends
feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best
and expect only the best.

To be enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to
greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger,
too strong for fear and too happy
to permit the presence of trouble.

~ Christian D Larson

Berita dari Detik mengabarkan bahwa Menkominfo kita yang baru malu karena Indonesia terkenal karena memuncaki akses pornografi di Internet. Detik mengutip:

“Saya malu mendengar Indonesia karena terkenal dalam mengakses pornografi,” sesalnya di hadapan para audiens.

Saya sepakat pak Menteri! Kali ini saya sepakat dengan anda.

Saya sepakat… Ketergantungan kita terhadap pornografi dari luar harus dihapuskan. Indonesia harus mandiri dalam bidang pornografi. Sampai kapan kita hanya menjadi konsumen? Kita harus bisa jadi produsen, pengimpor materi pornografi berkelas dunia!

Ini adalah program Creative Industry bangsa yang belum tergarap. Kita harus bisa meningkatkan level pembuatan video yang masih level rendah menjadi level yang lebih baik. Wajah Indonesia tidak kalah cantik dan tampan dibanding wajah orang bule atau Jepang. Indonesia harus menjadi produsen, harus mandiri dalam hal pornografi.

Malu saya saat mendengar Indonesia hanya jadi konsumen pornografi saja. Saya ingin mendengar suatu saat nanti Jepang menggandrungi Chika Bandung, misalnya. Atau di AS timbul kontroversi saat mengundang bintang film porno Indonesia. Betapa membanggakannya, pak Menteri.

Dukung terus majunya industri pornografi Indonesia, demi kemandirian bangsa!

(The So You Wanna’ Be an… series is a series of posts introducing some of the basic philosophical systems that have influenced modern secular thought and a brief Christian critique of each one. There are five posts in this series)

Idealism is a philosophical system associated with Plato. The idealist maintains that ultimate reality and ultimate good are found in the realm of ideas, not in the physical world. Here’s a brief breakdown:

1) The metaphysics of the idealist can best be described as the reality of the mind. The world of the senses, the physical world, is not the world of ultimate reality. The world of ultimate reality is the world of pure ideas.

2) The epistemology for the idealist is also concerned with the world of ideas. The highest truth is not found in what is seen and touched, rather, it is found in ideas that can be grappled with and maintained in the mind. The idealist looks for consistency and coherence of ideas as an indication of truth.

3) The axiology for the idealist is best described as striving to conform to the perfect form in the world of ideas. An individual becomes more ethical the more they become like their Absolute Self. Beauty is found for the idealist in that which reflects the Absolute Ideal.

4) For the idealist, education is about freeing people from the physical, material world and encouraging them to conform to the ideal. The student is in the process of becoming more like their Absolute Self. The Teacher is crucial because they are an example for the student of the ideal self. Although they haven’t “arrived” yet, they are closer to the Absolute Self than the student. Since truth is wrapped up in ideas the curriculum is ideas focused. It revolves around the humanities including history, literature and “pure (read: abstract) mathematics. The goal in education is to conform students to their Absolute Selves.

5) Critique: There are several strengths to the idealist philosophy. First, many of its principles are easily adaptable to Christianity. If we replace “Absolute Self” with “Jesus Christ” we arrive at a very Pauline understanding of sanctification. Paul writes in Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, acceptable and perfect.” This shows a caution of things of “this world” contained in scripture. A final strength in the idealist school is that it helps preserve the past and pass it on to next generations, a concern that is very important to God (Deuteronomy 6:7-9).

There are also several weaknesses to the idealist philosophy. The first is that idealism is concerned with transcending reality while Christianity is about transforming reality. The Platonic idea of transcending the physical world has plagued the world for centuries. We serve the God of the incarnation who took on flesh and became the firstfruits of a new created, physical order. When Christ returns he will usher in his physical, earthly kingdom (1 Corinthians 15:20-23). Christians are to transform the physical world, not despise it and leave it for dead. Another problem with idealism is that it completely ignores the physical world. The Bible uses the physical world to teach and instruct and even God is compared to animals, stars and humans on occasion, so it is not bad by nature, it is just subject to futility under sin (Romans 8:20-23). Finally, the mind is actually corrupt in sin and cannot find truth apart from Christ. The renewal of the mind is needed in order to understand truth and in order to know the Absolute Self of Jesus Christ (Romans 12:2).

The following is my final guest blog post for Idealist’s 2009 Nonprofit Career Month, wrapping up this week. For dozens of posts from a range of fabulous nonprofiteers, visit the Nonprofit Career Month Blog.

Once upon a time, there was a securely employed nonprofit staff member, drawing a good salary and benefits doing things she loved to do for an organization she adored with colleagues she would have given a kidney to, gladly, had any of them needed one. But something was missing: her family. She knew that she would never be truly happy as long as she was separated from them by thousands of miles. So she journeyed back to her homeland…unemployed.

It’s a true story—namely mine. And as Nonprofit Career Month wraps up, it occurred to me that my job search might serve as an encouraging fable—or a cautionary tale—to other nonprofit job seekers, whether first-timers, sector-switchers, or just hardy fools like me who say “recession be damned, I quit.”

I can’t promise that my experience is at all typical or replicable. But caveats aside, here’s the advice that worked for me…and what didn’t.

Some background: During college and grad school, I completed 5 internships in various nonprofits, worked abroad full-time for a few months, put in a few summers at a candy shop, and had logged only 15 months of continuous, full-time employment before beginning my job search. That put me solidly in the “entry-level” category. My experience: communications and fundraising. My passions: animal welfare and fundraising. My timeline: it’s been two months since I landed in Seattle. My goal: to get a job that I could live on, without backsliding too much in terms of salary or title.

What didn’t work

1. Long-distance job searching.
I started applying for jobs in Seattle before I got here. I submitted at least 10 applications…and got zero interviews. There are some tricks to it, but ultimately I decided I was better off relocating first and then looking.

2. “It’s a numbers game.”
We’ve all heard stories of job-seekers who applied for hundreds of jobs without scoring a single interview. And we’ve all heard that “it doesn’t matter how many other people apply if you’re the one who gets hired.” I confess: once in Seattle, I applied for 8 jobs. Of those 8, I landed interviews with 4. That’s a 50% interview rate. Yet if I had applied to 100 jobs, I would not have gotten 50 interviews. In the nonprofit sector, jobs are wildly diverse, and passion matters. So if you find 100 jobs you’re passionate about, either you don’t understand the job…or you’re starting to confuse passion with desperation.

3. “If you build up your personal brand right, employers will be calling you.”
Applications themselves took up only a few hours of my job search each week. I spent easily twice as much time on Twitter, my new blog, Brazen Careerist, LinkedIn, and other sites, building up my “personal brand” and trying to become a recognizable face in the sea of job candidates. One prospective employer said in an interview that he’d found my Twitter feed…and liked it. But no one fanned a contract in my face just because I tweeted something witty. (In fact, I believed before this, and still do, that personal branding is a lie.)

What worked

1. “If you find the perfect job, make yourself the perfect candidate.”
I found a new résumé format that made my application more readable and attractive. I was selective about the jobs I applied to, even if it meant going a week with no new applications. And even if I didn’t prepare every application as meticulously as I should have, I carefully customized the cover letter and résumé for each. And once I began doing all that, I actually started landing interviews. If I had to bet on anything that made the difference in my job search, it was that trifecta of readability, selectivity, and customization.

2. Dumb luck.
My first interview came about because I stayed up all night to finish and submit the application. There wasn’t even a deadline mentioned in the Craigslist ad. I was just crazy about the job. But it turned out that the organization had a 24-hour-on-call mentality, and the hiring manager was impressed with the 6 AM time stamp on my email. I would say this is another score for passion, which I mentioned above. But had the hiring manager not cared about my all-nighter, I would have been passed over for someone with more experience. I was told as much in the interview.

Another interview came about because I included a cover letter with my web form application, which apparently no one else did. I did this because I was taught always to include a cover letter. Again, I would say this means “always go above and beyond what’s asked for,” or even “always include a cover letter,” but if the hiring manager had been the type to be annoyed by extra materials in the application, mine would probably have been tossed. Instead, my surprise cover letter conveyed passion, which led to an interview…and a second…and a third.

The wild card

1. “It’s all about who you know.”
I’m not a networking fan. I passed up networking events when I arrived in Seattle; I neglected to set up informational interviews; I forgot to call my aunt’s friend who used to work at Microsoft. But after my third interview mentioned above, my dad suggested I send him my résumé to email to his colleague’s wife, who used to work at the organization.

I balked. “Dad,” I said, “this isn’t the era of patronage anymore. I got the interviews because of my own merit. I don’t want it to look like I need insider help to be a strong candidate. Plus, she doesn’t even know me! What would she possibly say that could help?”

My dad shrugged. “Well, think about it,” he said.”

So I gnashed my teeth over it a little more and finally sent him my (customized) résumé. I figured that was it.

But when I got the call a few days later with the job offer, one of the first things the HR person said to me was, “We received a very impressive letter from [Dad’s colleague’s wife] about you.” I can’t say for sure whether it made a difference in my being hired. But if I had to do it again, I’d use that connection in a heartbeat.

My story has an idyllic ending (or is it a beginning?). I’m back with my family in the region I love. And after seven weeks of job-hunting, I was offered a position that draws on my fundraising experience, with a more-than-livable salary and impressive title, for a compelling cause, in a highly-regarded organization whose employees sing the praises of their workplace.

In the recession-era job search, I know I’m luckier than most. But since two friends have both landed their dream jobs in the past two months, I also know I’m not alone in my luck. So if I can share it with you in the form of advice, thoughts, or a glance at your résumé (I’ll even send you the format I scored with), please let me know: Elizabeth dot clawson at gmail dot com. After all, a cautionary tale does no good if it goes unheeded, and a success story isn’t really one until it creates success for someone else.

This time last year I was getting off a plane in Nairobi, Kenya to begin a great week of service…. then yesterday I received an email from an organization that I do a lot of volunteer work through and it kind of reminded me that I’ve been so busy with “life” lately that I haven’t had an opportunity to “give back” like I normally would.

In church Sunday my outstanding pastor discussed giving and that when you give you shouldn’t do it to blow your own trumpet but it should be done to honor God. Everyone doesn’t need to know what you are doing or how you are giving.as a matter of fact one of the best ways to give is without recognition or wanting accolades. So with all that said I’m not here to toot my own horn but simply to encourage others to make time in their schedule and volunteer your service to someone or something. You don’t have to go through a major organization or even set aside hours on a Saturday morning, it could be going to a park with a couple of sandwiches in tow and talking to and encouraging some people in need, it could be blessing someone outside the goodwill/salvation army/thrift store that you think can benefit from the clothes or items you were going to take in, it could be leaving some groceries or a grocery gift card on someones porch that you know might need a meal this week and the list goes on…

I hope you feel encouraged and inspired to do something. Not just because I mentioned it but because it makes you feel good

Here are some of my favorite places to find service opportunities:
Greater DC Cares (for those in the DC Area)
Volunteer Match
Serve.Gov
Idealist
1-800-Volunteer

Not quite in the Victory Garden, but just five paces from the edge of the path, these beautiful seeds are falling to the ground beneath the dogwood tree.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I love this tree.  Well, not this specific tree, although I do love the one that dropped this seed, and part of the reason I chose this house was after ascertaining — in the dead of winter, no less — that the property had four dogwood trees on it.  One of them has been bent over into a naturally weeping form by the weight of a dying tree coming down progressively on top of it and the two have formed a lovely bower over the years, with a carpet of ivy beneath, tendrils of wild grapevine dangling down here and there to catch the wind like streamers, and the encouraging sight of an incredibly healthy flush of bloom in the spring despite all the discouraging weight of circumstances.

But I didn’t mean loving a specific tree in my yard.  I mean that I love the Dogwood.  I’ve grown up with it as part of the design of the background fabric of my life.  And even if it is not familiar to you where you live, I feel sure you would fall in love with its form, its grace, its unpretentious beauty.

I love the bark in winter, the buds as the rains arrive in March, the blossom form as it goes through several distinct phases in spring, first alone and then joined by the tiny leaves, the golden-green of those early leaves and the way they are held on the stem.  I love this tree right through until the appearance of the bright seed clusters in fall.  I’ve been particularly enjoying them the last few weeks as their leaves take on a barely perceptible blush, then go bronze-pink-with-gold-highlights, and finally progress to a deep burgundy shot with scarlet and pink that seems to perfectly set off the brilliant jewels of the seeds held high in a joyful finale… just before they fall to be buried and born again next spring.

As I walked in the garden this afternoon, I felt that shiver of regret skitter down my spine.  So many moments I spent doing other, less important things, so many moments when I ignored the beauty before my very eyes in favor of worry or other mental busywork — and now the cicadas, who will always be my auditory memento mori with their strident calls that seem to say, “Live now, summer is fleeting!”, now they have died or gone underground.  Now the leaves are shriveling up and letting go.  Now so many sights and smells and everyday beauties I took for granted are being stripped away, leaving the sharp bones of the landscape exposed.

And I do want to learn that lesson well.  Appreciate what you have while you have it, in this moment.  You never know how rare a pleasure it may be.  Tears filled my eyes as I contemplated the simple beauty of a scarlet seed on the forest floor today and I wondered at being given the opportunity to experience this particular rare pleasure, which future generations may never know.

The Dogwood is threatened with extinction.  Probably within the next 50 years, say the scientists, unless some miracle is discovered.  A disease which had been around for a long time has gradually become almost certainly lethal to every tree it infects, and it is spreading very quickly among the dogwoods in the forests.  Climate change is probably playing a role, as forest conditions in its native habitat have become more cool and damp for longer periods than the tree is used to enduring.

There is, of course, no way to isolate a single “cause” of the death of this glorious tree of the forest understory.  What is sure is that it will be missed, and not just by humans used to watching the Appalachian forest wear bright ivory highlights in spring.  This tree is responsible, among other things, for adding calcium to the soil of the forest.  Its demise is likely to have far-reaching consequences on our bioregion’s ecosystem, perhaps sending ripples beyond its native range.

We are all so interconnected.  In a way that’s what the Victory Garden is all about.  Trying to raise some of our food in a different way, a way that does no harm — not to a single bird or insect, not to a visiting deer or raccoon, not to an inch of the earth, nor the earthworms in it, nor the microbial life that sustains us all, nor the air we all breathe, nor the groundwater percolating beneath.  It may be a foolish dream.  Industrial society may have done too much damage already, for all I know.  Some self-reinforcing feedback loop may have already been triggered.

My idealistic efforts may turn out to be too small to have any discernible effect at all.

But then, I am pleased to sometimes wear the title “foolish dreamer” … and to try, and keep trying, to live in accord with my own cherished ideals.  I know so many, many of us are gladly taking up this challenge now, to try and bring our whole lives into alignment with our own highest values, and it is absolutely awe-inspiring to witness.

This winter season may be a time of contemplation for many of us, as we rest and decide which aspects of our lives are not yet lived with full integrity and how we will try to change that next year.  Certainly, the end of the harvest season has me looking over my shoulder at the changes I tried to implement this year, internally celebrating what worked, analyzing what did not… and sometimes even wondering why I did what I did.

I’d love to hear about any of those areas you’re considering changing to bring wholeness to your life and to live up to your own cherished ideals, either in the comments or in a link to a blog post.  Consider it my challenge to you this week to ponder the changes you’ve already made, celebrate how far you’ve come, and recognize the blurry contours of where you want to go.  Even if you don’t blog or comment about it, give yourself 15 or 20 minutes to freewrite about a day in your ideal life as you envision it at its peak level of fulfillment.

(Note:  that freewrite is a fantastic mood-lifter if the shorter, darker days of autumn have got you feeling a little down.  I don’t know why that should be so, as sometimes the distance from where I am now to my ideal is seemingly impossible to traverse.  It ought to make me despair.  But I do know that actually envisioning it must have some power, because things that seemed impossible have come to pass in my life — and in the lives of others I know.  Try freewriting with a single repeated phrase at the beginning of every sentence until your hand is moving easily over the page and you no longer need it.  If you feel stuck and the ink stops flowing, return to the phrase.  I like to use “In my ideal life” or “On this day.”)

One of my favorite websites I send my job-seeking friends to is Idealist. On the website you can search for non-profit careers, internships, groups, and local events, such as two that are coming up in the Portland area very soon (both are free):

Non-profit Career Fair
Wednesday October 14 (TOMORROW)
11am-3pm
PSU’s campus- Smith Mem Aud
They are having a “Careers in Sustainability” info session from 12-1, featuring some local green “celebs” I have met/heard of before (I’m starting to pick up on the local green scene). Ahhh, how I don’t miss the days of Career Fairs in college when I had to don my suit and walk around in uncomfortable shoes, alas the networking and learning opportunities are great. Although I would love to utilize some sick time to check out some of the panels my company will be there front and center with a booth.

Graduate fair
Thursday, Oct 22
5-8 pm
PSU’s campus- Smith Memorial Aud.
Some of the green MBA programs I was once looking at will be represented here. This rocks, because now for free I can go a couple blocks down the street to talk to someone face-to-face about the programs instead of flying to another state.

See you there!

It’s no secret–I’m a fundraiser at heart, and I’m not shy about insisting that it’s the best nonprofit career out there. Read more about it in my guest post for Idealist’s Nonprofit Career Month blog.

Nonprofit Career Month promotes the number and diversity of career opportunities in the nation’s nonprofit sector. Driven by the collective contributions of the nonprofit community, the campaign dispels common myths about nonprofit work, provides individuals with entry points to the sector, and allows current and aspiring nonprofit professionals to share expertise.

I was recently asked to be a guest blogger for the Nonprofit Career Month blog and was given the challenging task of defining “public interest law.”  Check it out and feel free to add your own definition in the comments or by sending an email to info@equaljusticeworks.org.

-Aaron

UPDATE 10/05/09: Watch the new video from NPCM about the rewards of nonprofit work.

“My creativity leads me to forgiveness and self-forgiveness.”

– Julia Cameron, from Week 1 of The Artist’s Way

It all began with some froot loops.

Well, not exactly.  They do figure into the story, though.  Or rather, they figure into the backstory.  Because to understand the story of my creative champion, we have to go back.  Way back, to a creative monster.  Only I don’t think she was really a monster.  I think she was a really exhausted and frustrated woman who had chosen the wrong career path and was just marking time until retirement — or until a freak tornado or car accident took her out of this plodding misery.

I have a lot of sympathy for her now.  But when I first met my nemesis, she was just plain scary.

To be fair, it wasn’t just Mrs. C who was intimidating; the whole situation was a little nerve-wracking.  We met on my first day of first grade.  Not my first day of school, but my first day of public school.  I’d come from a little private kindergarten, with about 10 students in a class taught in a homey atmosphere by a gentle elderly soul.  School meant curiosity and playtime and getting to ask questions and friends and drawing and trying new things and laughing.

Suddenly, the word “school” took on some frightening connotations.  At Mount Zion Elementary, there were hundreds of students, and their boisterous voices echoed and magnified in the cavernous, cinderblock corridors.  It was plain to see, on my very first day, that some of them were bullies who delighted in violence, and because there were so very many of us and so few adults, it was going to be nearly impossible to catch them at it.

I took a seat in my assigned classroom and watched a touching little drama unfold.  A boy (Neil, we’ll call him) was standing near the entrance to the classroom, clutching at his mother’s sweater and weeping piteously.  His mother finally detached herself and rushed away.  As soon as she was gone, our new teacher entered the room.  Her body filled up the entire doorway, and her voice was just as massive as she boomed at Neil in passing, “Quit your crying.  First grade is not for babies.”

I knew then and there I was in trouble.

Of course, most of that year is a haze in memory now, for which fact I should probably give devout thanks.  But a few moments do stand out stark and clearly defined, because unfortunately, they defined me.  I’ve already mentioned Mrs. C’s unfortunate habit of leaving the room to “get some air” at frequent intervals, putting the rest of us unfortunates under the supervision of a six-year-old bully, and the resultant scarring episode.  And I’ve mentioned, but not explained, the froot loops.  So let me get that out of the way.

Our teacher needed us to take a little nap once a day, for at least 20 minutes.  She would have preferred much longer, I’m sure.  It might have suited her best if we’d all gone into diabetic comas after lunch… but alas!  the gods are capricious and don’t grant all our wishes.  Nonetheless, it is difficult to get 30+ 6-year-olds to fold their arms on their plastic desks and bury their heads in them and pretend to sleep for 20 minutes.  For no one can sleep in that position, I’m convinced, even with the lights out, and we always had the soothing accompaniment of a slightly buzzing bank of fluorescent lights — and orders not to peek.  Or swing our legs.

Or move at all.  There’s a good girl.

Thing is, I was a good girl — or at least, I used to be unquestioningly obedient to authority, so I tried my darndest.  I did.  I kept my head down although it gave me a feeling I was suffocating.  (Did I mention we weren’t allowed to turn our heads to the side, either?  Even if we kept our eyes closed?)  I got quite familiar with the shadowy texture of my desk and a macro close-up of my arms.  But most of the class needed a little more incentive than just pleasing teacher, and so Mrs. C provided a little carrot.  A reward for good behavior.

Oh, goody.

At the end of each “nap,” Mrs. C walked between the rows of desks and silently slid a few froot loops beneath each student’s elbow — but only if you’d behaved.  Some kids thought this was really fantastic.  They munched their loops with enthusiasm, often showing cavity-riddled teeth.  And it was a good thing they did, because when I first saw the little brightly colored Ohs, I had no idea they were a food item and needed some context clues.  My parents had never let me within arm’s reach of a sugary cereal before, and I’m not sure, but I have a suspicion you have to be conditioned early on to like the taste.

I hated them.  The next day, when the froot loops came under my arm, I politely, but firmly, pushed them back out into the light.  Mrs. Cohen said, “Why don’t you eat your treats, dear?”  I answered meekly, “No, thank you.”  (I thought it would be impolite to say what I really thought.)  Unfortunately, Mrs. C thought I was being a little punk, so this went on… wait for it… all year.

Yes, I continued to behave perfectly during naptime, and the dear lady continued to slide processed breakfast cereal in front of my face as a consequence, and I continued to push it away, and she continued to ask or urge me to eat it.  All year.  She even got to the point of refusing to allow me to throw away my rewards until the end of the school day.  So a little corner of my desk was reserved for the manically cheery Ohs from about 1:30 onwards every day.  We were both equally stubborn.  I persisted in the belief that froot loops tasted yucky.

And I think it bothered her a lot that someone didn’t appreciate her generosity.

(Thanks, Teach.)

Had it been limited to that one incident when she was out of the classroom and an ongoing tug-of-war over the sugary snacks, Mrs. C would probably not have made it into my monster hall of fame.  Unfortunately, her influence was rather more far-reaching.

You see, on the first day of school, we all were “tested” for reading groups.  That is, we presented ourselves in front of the teacher’s desk when she yelled out our names and were handed a text and asked to read aloud.

I’d been reading since the age of two, and when I was a toddler my mother even had me demonstrate for visiting door-to-door salesmen to discourage them from coming around with home phonics courses and such.  I loved to read.  I even remember the book I learned to read first, and the story it told, which I realized much later was foundational for my way of perceiving the world.  My grandfather liked to have me read newspaper headlines aloud to astonish his friends, and he reports that when I was no more than “a little bitty thang” I sounded out the name Evinrude from staring at the boat motor when we went fishing, shocking all aboard.

I loved to read.  Still do, actually.

But when Mrs. C hollered my name out, she scared me.  I went as slowly as I dared up to her desk.  I was absolutely trembling by the time I reached her.  She was red in the face, and I could feel the irritation radiating off her massive body.  I hesitated, and it felt as if I were facing a fire-breathing dragon as she snapped, “Well?”

I don’t know to this day why it happened.  I could read the text in my hands just fine.  But I couldn’t speak.  I tried a few times.  I swallowed and took a deep breath.  I opened my mouth.  Then I glanced at her and shut it again.  I think if I’d stood there long enough, I might have gotten up the courage to read a few lines.  And I like to hope that in today’s school system a phone call to the parents would be in order, at the very least, before putting a blanket label on a student.  But from that moment forward, as far as my elementary school was concerned, I was learning disabled.

Being learning disabled meant a lot of things in our school system in the 1970s, but I won’t go into that now.  This post is already headed toward 1500 words, and that’s quite enough.  Suffice to say that it did affect my life to be labeled L.D., that it was a snap decision that echoed through the years and affected my self-image quite dramatically.  And not in a good way.

In part II, I’ll tell you all about a lovely and unorthodox teacher who helped me begin to heal some of the damage.

[Note:  This essay based on two exercises in Week One of The Artist's Way.  I am blogging about my process as I go through the course, and this is a belated post, as we are now in Week Four.  Nobody said following a schedule was my forte.]

(Photos  from morguefile)