Due to a chain of events that I can’t rightly remember, I embarked on a journey today; I began to plow through a wondrous Spotify playlist featuring all the tracks from “Now That’s What I Call Music” albums 1-45, in order. Tonic’s “If You Could Only See” is but one of the hidden treasures the frankly mammoth playlist contains.

Off the band’s 1996 debut Lemon Parade, “If You Can Only See” is a no-frills pop-rock hit that stands the test of time. It is, to my mind, one those simple, gets-the-job-done “oh god the agony and ecstacy of love” singles that just hits you right in your teenage-soul. The lyrics aren’t exactly poetry, but they aren’t bad, and the melody is still pleasant as ever, along the lines of something like an Eve 6 jam.

So sit back, and take a little trip to the past. And if this isn’t an old jam of yours, there’s plenty more in that playlist. Dig in. [Spotify, Amazon, iTunes]

via Tonic – If You Could Only See – YouTube.

[vevo]http://www.vevo.com/watch/tonic/if-you-could-only-see/USUV70602171[/vevo]

Well, one of the things that I attempt to teach my students is that good art- regardless of the medium- should move you. I admit that music does this for me more regularly than any other form, though comic books, poetry, and novels/movies about human/Vampire relationships can turn the trick as well. The following are songs that have the ability to make me turn questions inward. Each song will be accompanied by a key lyric that activates the inner monologue. I apologize if a few of the songs seem old. I’m kind of old. But not as old as my dad who hit 50 yesterday. Happy Birthday, Dad. Where did the time go?

1. “Pot Kettle Black” by Wilco (Yankee Hotel Foxtrot). “I myself have found a real rival in myself. I am hoping a for the re-arrival of my health.” I found this song on Pandora. It’s pretty catchy. But it- and these lines in particular- have always spoken to me the most. The cliche goes “you’re  your own worst critic,” and it’s true. That’s because if you’ve got any kind of self-awareness, you know exactly what your flaws are. And that’s how I feel about myself all the time. I struggle (and often fail) to maintain a veneer of professionalism during my day job when the truth is that I’m a clown. I battle constantly with trying to balance the fine line between what I want to do and what I have to do. I have conversations with myself in the silence of my head about pitch calling during baseball games. Sometimes this ambivalence prevents me from sleeping. A long time ago, I swore that I would let the things that I couldn’t control bother me less. You know, all of the things happening in the outside world that I have no influence over. The distressing thing, though, is the fact that these personal battles of philosophy, logic, reason, desire, want, fantasy, are internal. And I can’t control them either. It’s just who I am. Often, the thought of having those thoughts make me feel alienated because I don’t know anyone who thinks about the things and in the manner that I do. I never really have. So I continue to have these conversations with myself. The crazy thing is, I imagine that this is how everyone feels about themselves. That’s probably why people rarely have meaningful conversations. They feel like other people can’t possibly relate to them.

2. “Supernova” by Liz Phair (Whip-Smart). “You walk in clouds in clouds of glitter and the sun reflects your eyes, and every time the wind blows I can smell you in the sky. Your kisses are as wicked as an M-16, and you f*ck like a volcano and you’re everything to me.” I used to think Liz Phair was hot. The guitar helped. Aside from the obvious desire to have a woman feel this way (and proclaim it so) about me, it’s a great pop song. Before Phair released this single, she had become something of a indie-rock darling because of her previous album, Exile in Guyville. Apparently, her fans were disappointed that she followed that album with Whip-Smart, and this album in particular. But even as a teenager, I never took this song seriously. I mean, it’s a joke right? It always seemed like a sarcastic parody of the kind of exaggeration male songwriters include in their odes to women- only from a woman’s (with obvious cute and vulgar tendencies) perspective. It’s catchy. It’s fun. What’s not to like? I’ll tell you. Liz Phair’s fans wanted Whip-Smart to be Liz Phair’s coming out party. They wanted this debut mainstream album to validate their interest in and support of her. But the first single she released was essentially a joke. Even if it is clever and witty, and satirical- it’s still a joke. Even if the humor is obvious, even if the message is clear- it’s still a joke. Jokes aren’t meant to be taken seriously. But her fans and the critics wanted to take Liz Phair seriously. This song made it impossible. David Foster Wallace wrote in his collection of essays, A Supposedly Fun Thing That I’ll Never Do Again: “The reason why our pervasive cultural irony is at once so powerful and so unsatisfying is that an ironist is impossible to pin down.” In a sense, 99% of you can be sure that “Supernova” is a joke, but you can’t be completely sure. And that 1% leads to uneasiness. That’s how I think people view me sometimes. I tend to go for the easy joke. I have an aversion to taking things seriously. I wonder if people are put off at times by the fact that they can’t tell if I’m joking or being sincere.

3. “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette (Jagged Little Pill). “I’m not going to fade as soon as you close your eyes- and you know it- and every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it- well can you feel it?” In 1994-1995 this song got constant airplay on the radio and MTV. It was the rock version of Bone Thugz’s “Crossroads.” Because of its ubiquitous nature, I dismissed the song. Also, I had very little experience with women. I own that I didn’t really understand anything about the song other than she (Alanis) was really pissed off. At a guy. And she was letting him know because, well, he oughta know. Now that I’m older and burned a few bridges, I totally love this song. First of all, it screams 90s mainstream/grungish/pop rock music. More than that, though, most of the song acts as the Alanis’ comparison between herself and her ex-lover’s new-found lover. And that’s all about insecurity. As random as the details of the other woman are- being older, going down on him in a theater, speaking eloquently- the imply Alanis’ own specific qualms about herself- perhaps she did not do those things (of the three, I can only find merit in the whole going down on a guy in a theater, the other two wouldn’t be deal-breakers). Those personal quirks of personality are also out of control, but then again, so is her exes’ decision to leave her. And that’s what the rage is about: she can’t do shit. She’s the ditchee and can do nothing about the ditcher- all she has left to do is wish him ill. She can’t do anything about her shortcomings (that she perceived caused the break-up), she can’t do anything about him leaving, and she can’t really- legally, anyway- do anything about the fact that he’s moved on. It’s titled “You Oughta Know” because he doesn’t know. He probably doesn’t care. And in my opinion (as the survivor of a few bad break-ups) there is nothing that can make a human being feel worse (emotionally) than being made to feel inconsequential. It’s one thing to have an ex still matter to you, but this is compounded significantly when it becomes clear that you don’t to them.

4. “If You Could Only See” by Tonic (Lemon Parade). “If you could only see the ways she loves me, maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love and what I must do. If you can only see how blue her eyes can be when she says she loves me.” This song still stands up. There’s something about Emerson Hart’s vocals on this track (and to a lesser extent on “You Wanted More”) that ooze passion. You can’t help but take him seriously because the depth of his personal emotional involvement is unquestioned. That’s perfect because this song is one long personal justification for being with someone. Personal means “subjective.” The refrain is the speaker’s plea to the listener, the concession is implied: it doesn’t make sense why he’s with her (seems the road less traveled). That’s why the speaker has to say “If you could only see”- because the things that the listener does see don’t make for a happy, healthy relationship. I’ve been in relationships with women that my friends have despised. They would all be very open about the fact that the best thing I could do was leave her. There were no doubts in their minds. You know what? If I had been a casual observer outside of the relationship, I would have probably felt the same way. But I wasn’t. I was in love. And yeah, I had “take a little dirt to keep what I loved” but “that’s what you gotta do.” Relationships have always brought out the best and worst in me. There have been times when I would have done everything in my power to make things work- even if those things were irrational, impractical, and unethical. And yet there have been other times when I haven’t lifted a finger, just let the relationship die-all the while fiddling like Nero while everything burned to the ground. In both cases, though, there always existed the urge to explain away and justify my actions. These statements started with phrases like “Look, you gotta understand,” and “If you knew how it was, then…” And that’s the beauty of this song. The only ambiguity of the song is the switch from the pronoun “she” to “you.” When the song starts, it appears as though Hart is speaking to a 3rd person outside of the relationship. Then during the choruses, he shifts to “you.” I always thought “you” was the girl. Because you never really talk your friends into buying into your relationship with a woman. I mean, yeah, I was talking to them, but I was really trying to convince myself.

5. “Never Let You Down” by the Verve Pipe (Underneath). “People don’t take chance with their hearts. Since I’ve met you, I am past the hardest part. So remember one thing, I will never let you down.” Speaking of convincing… While the Verve Pipe is best known for a ubiquitous hit of their own (“The Freshmen”), I’ve always liked this song better. I am not and have never been the kind of guy that can kill a lady at first glance. I’ve always had to work at it. Since my best traits were/are not physical, I’ve always needed time. Time to come off as funny. Time to feature my depth. Time to reveal myself as clever. They say that a woman knows within the first 5 minutes of meeting a guy if she’s going to sleep with him. That would explain my dearth of sexual partners. But when a woman has been kind enough to spend time with me in a semi-regular fashion, I think I’ve been able to shift her opinion of me from a solid “Meh…” to a tenuous “Maybe.” And that’s all you can ever hope for: a shot to control your own destiny. That’s why I’ve always taken to this song. It’s a simple appeal to a woman to give the guy a shot. Of course, he’s making a pretty big promise in the title of the song, and I was never that bold. But that’s how it is. If all you’ve got is three minutes and thirty-seven seconds, to convince a woman to carpe diem, then you have to go with the grand gesture. But in real life, it takes work. It takes grinding it out. You can make a promise like “I will never let you down” in the first 6-minute conversation with a woman, but you can’t keep it in the first 6 minutes. Keeping that kind of promise is an on-going process that never ends until the relationship or one of the people dies. But in a pop song? It’s Romantic and romantic. The simplicity, tone, brevity, and sentiments of the song represent the fantasy of ease that I always hoped a loving relationship would be. I have come to learn that the reality is the polar opposite. But hearing this song reminds me of a time not so long ago when I looked into the eyes of my future wife and thought that being with her would be the easiest thing I’d ever have to do. It doesn’t make me sad. It makes me hopeful. Yes, she and I have both let each other down, but I still like to believe that we’ll spend the entirety of our time together trying not to.

There is this roaring guitar in this song that is hard to beat. If you listen closely you’ll notice that this song has some pretty hard rock characteristics, so much so that I find it somewhat surprising how big of a mainstream hit it was. Lemon Parade was Tonic’s biggest album and it was released in 1996 – “If You Could Only See” was a big hit in 1997 and “Open up Your Eyes,” an equally rocky but not nearly as good a song, hit the airwaves in 1996 and experienced a brief resurgence in popularity thanks to “If You Could Only See” in 1998 and on into 1999.

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do

I am pathetic.

Ohhh, I feel sick too. I have a headache, and I feel very tired and almost..faint, I suppose. Tea helps. I like tea. With milk and sugar. Mmmmmm.

But, I am pleased to announce:

PROJECT IMPROVEMENT! –my completely dorky and stupid way of trying to make myself feel better

I don’t really know the specifics of anything yet, but it’s time for me to stop moping around and try and make things better myself. Hence, I will be making several lists for each area I want to improve, and how to do it.

I know, I know. Don’t take on so much at once! But you misunderstand me…I thrive on projects! I do so much better when I have a lot to tackle, than if I try to go one at a time. I suppose it’s really that I don’t like to have to drag things out and keep working on somethinng. So this is the best way for me.

The world awaits!

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size

Sayin’ you love but you don’t
You give your love but you won’t

–Tonic