วันดังกล่าว ตอนเย็น นั่งล้อมวงกินข้าวกันอยู่

แล้วอยู่ดีๆ คุณครูโกศล ก็เมาๆเข้ามา เดินกลางวง แล้วก็ถามว่า

ครู : น้องๆนักศึกษาจุฬาภรณ์นี่มาจากทุกภาคเลยใช่มั๊ย (เอ่อ จริงๆมันจุฬาลงกรณ์ครับ)

นิสิต : ใช่ครับ (แล้วกำลังจะบอกเพิ่มว่า มีทั้ง ไฟฟ้า โยธา เครื่องกล ฯลฯ อะไรก็ว่าไป)

ครู : ดีนะ มีทั้ง ภาคเหนือ กลาง อีสาน

นิสิต : … (ขอบคุณครับ แต่เราคงเข้าใจกันยากหน่อย)

i drove by a terrible accident last night on my way home from work.. looked to my left and saw what once was a living, breathing, soul.. lifeless, on the ground, covered in cheap white cotton, markers on the floor and flamers to veer traffic to the right.  Each life changed for a mere 2 seconds as we casually drove by, looking at what all the commotion was about, on our way to our families, our animals, our homes & our lives, while that individual remained lifeless.. lifes changed and memories shifted, the universe had altered focus.  I began praying for their families and loved ones and as the usual anxiety attack seconds away lingered, i remained emotionless.   4 years ago I received that phone call, the one we all fear but the one we all experience at least once.. so and so is no longer with us, so and so is no longer with us, so and so is … no longer… with us.   & as I usually would have put myself in the families shoes, reliving an emotion I was too familiar to, I remained numb.. emotionless.. in shock.  Death is inevitable, death is forewarned & expected but it is never welcomed, of course.  It is horrible, it is depressing yet it is beautiful.  One life, passing to the next.  & no matter what God you believe in or what higher power or after life [if any] or rhetorical questioning of what next.. it is glorious, in the realist sense.  We are meant to be here temporarily, effecting lives in the process.  I am so quick to lose focus when things do not go as planned, so quick to ball up into my own world of confusion, distrust and extreme emotion in an instant.. forgetting I could be the next lifeless victim, backing up traffic, covered in cheap white cotton within seconds.

and i awoke.

this blogpost will be a blogpost of hate!

but im not going to write about what it is that i absolutly detest right now. whatever that i express is forbidden for anyone’s knowledge so i’ll just keep it to myself.

today after class i saw something that ive never done for a long while. ive never stopped to look at the sky.

this evening, i saw a father and his children looking up to the sky. so, i did the same too. perhaps something amazing was in the sky now.

absolutely!

i saw three very huge birds waaaaaaaaaaay up in the sky. i dont think ive ever seen such huge birds with such magnificent windspan in my life before!

i was distracted for these few seconds from all the despair im expriencing right now and i am humbled by such beauty.

after those few seconds pass by.. i am back to reallife and i walk back to my room.

ever since the countdown to my wedding day reached one month, i am nothing but one heap of mess.

i feel torn apart. i feel confused. i am oblivious to myself and i am just dumbstrucked.

i feel trampled upon. i feel as if i am some mannequin and i feel invisible.

this is the worst feeling to feel especially at such an auspicious time like this- 3 weeks n 4 days to go.

i cannot articulate my feelings thus i feel so numb. all i see now is doom. its as if everyhting i once knew, once experienced meant nothing at all. i may seem to exxagerate and be seen as being dramatic, but i honestly feel this way.

suddenly i realized that could it be that ive taken everything about myself and about everything apart from myself forgranted?

i am sooo numb.

students are just being lousy right now or were they like that before? but because my life’s shitty right now them being lousy has just become morre obvious.

despair after despair.

at times i forget why i am here
and then other times i slightly remember
frustration lingers around dark alley ways of
corners upon corners of lights in a distant hazed portrait of
where i am meant to be, next.
never realizing my feet stand strong within my own path of
‘why am i here, again?’
questions upon questions
self doubt, self mutilation
self love, self obsession
narcissicm, hedonistic, self sacrificing, giving
too forgiving
i have always been told i am ‘too forgiving’

at times i forget why i am here
and then other times i slightly remember

it is frightening to realize we are not constant
i have had this obsession with grave yards and tunnels
avoiding the light as if i were allergic
spotlight vision, fleeing reality for an instant upon instant
forgetting to feel because feeling meant hurting
yet hurting meant healing and healing meant living
this vicious cycle of ‘why am i here’ mindsets.
so why am i here?
and i continue

Yesterday, I gave an hours of my time to watch a ‘webinar’ related to trends in the use of color into 2011 (however, still a bit perplexed on how one is able to predict what the fashion for color outlook might be ). I came across work by Barcelona-born designer Christian Zuzunaga during the presentation as one artist who is using the entire color wheel with subjectivity. His work is based on abstraction and essence, where fabric and upholstery act as the perfect timeless medium. With technology a huge part of our every minute, these designs make sense. Christian uses pixelated prints to cover sofas, chairs, totes, and even scarfs as designed for the Tate Gallery. Want more color in your life? Perfect your palette here.

100% Silk scarf sold exclusively at Tate Gallery.

Collaboration with Christphe Delcourt.

Collaboration with Delcourt presented at for Maison de Objet.

Unique designed fabrics at Balmacz's new showroom in London.

2007 Collaboration with Moroso UK and Kvadrat.

2008 Collaboration with Moroso UK and Kvadrat.

Limited edition Shanghai fabric upholstering Sala dining chairs.

Pixelated wrapping paper collection printed in England using vegetable inks.

today is one month a way from D-DAY.

horrors, anxiety, fuzzy feelings, all those undesrcibable feelings all in one place. i dont know which one to express my feelings.

i think and i feel quite calm and composed. i think and i feel like there is no need for any hoohaa. i suppose im too involved with matters such as replacing classes and preparing lessons. they are just endless.

i am neither scared nor excited. i am all of those in between.

i guess the reason why i am indifferent- well ecstatic abit- is because i know where my fear is. my fear is irrelevant because every new bride goes thru this. but what i do not know is how do these brides deal with it. i guess some things are not meant to be discussed or shared but is meant to be experienced first hand by everybody. because the experience differs and mistakes can only be mended by the one’s own self.

i think ive grown numb. i think this numbness is because i know what to expect on my wedding day. i dont know if my expectations are of good ones or just mediocre ones. surely ill be in despair if the outcome is not pleasing to me. but maybe i can pujuk myself by getting into perspective that is i and shiham will be married. and the marriage is what matters.

why am i writing about my wedding and all that here? oh well.

to celebrate this blessed day i gave my students each 1 ringgit. hope that one ringgit will go a long way for them.

a month left for celibacy. haha

what is left for my youthful innocence is only left within this month.

there is so much so much to come and so much to change.

i hope i have Allah swt guidance with me thru out this endeavour.

I love my German Shepherd Dog, as some of you might already know. So much so that someone very near and dear to me sent moi this image of an artists abstract collage. Not as cute as my Alpha but a recreation of those intense eyes and perky ears nonetheless. =)  WOOF!

Love me some bananas! Just stumbled upon this slideshow of banana bread recipes in the Better Homes & Gardens site. I love Banana Bread although I can’t remember when the last time I backed a loaf was… anyway, I’m planning to tackle one of these this coming weekend. Our Best Banana Bread Recipes.

For those of you planning a super Thankgiving Day dinner with those who you want to give a Thank You shout out to, follow the lines in these two table setting setups from the Washington Post. Going informal? They got it. Need formality. Go for it. Just remember to mind your manners. =)

Get ready DC holiday lovers for Wash FM’s ring-a-ling-a-ling round-the-clock music in just 3 days! I am actually psyched. However, I have started zero holiday shopping and card writing – much unlike my best friend Carole in Houston who had finished all of it!!! Pffft. xo

I’ve been interested for a while now in exploring ways to game away from the table. There’s been a lot of activity recently about using Google Wave as a RPG medium. I also tried getting a play by email campaign going a few months ago, and that fizzled before it even began. There’s a certain amount of stuff in roleplaying that is hard to in asychronous text, and there’s a certain amount of momentum required to keep any campaign going.

Gabe of Penny Arcade recently shared with the whole internet an itergame email skill challenge. The skill challenge itself is pretty interesting, but even more interesting is that they’ve managed to keep their gamementum going between sessions. I usually have such big plans at the end of the night of gaming to keep the discussion, planning, and prepping going between sessions, but I can never seem to get it going. Instead I’m usually updating my character sheet at the table immediately before play.

NewbieDM sends a PDF recap to his players after each session so they have something for them to think about in between games.

http://www.campaignmastery.com/blog/great-session-reminders/
These are things the DM can do to keep his players involved outside of the game night. Here are some things the players can do between sessions:

1. RP hanging out in the tavern.
2. Split the party: have two guys go off and some streewise stuff in the in-between time.
3. Research a spell or take a one-week apprenticeship with the town smith.

Ask your DM how you can keep your character active while you spend a week or two in the real world.

Last weekend I had a chat with some friends on my messenger, funny things keep popping up!!

First, a junior school mate of mine buzzed me and he told me that he dreamt of me… actually dreamt of my boyfriend (and since when I have one?), he said that he saw a photo of my boyfriend in my facebook photos… (I need to look for him in my gazillions photos now!). This friend of mine was very detail, he said that this bf is dark, look smart, looked good (please note: NOT good looking), and seems to be close to my family, a Padangnese or Arabic descendant… and his name got a J and an S!

It was cute to hear him describe my bf, and how we try to explain the reason for him to dream about that, of course at the end we were rationalizing things.

BUT! A few hours later, I had a chat with my friend’s ex bf, and suddenly he said… “sorry my J and S are broken”… I almost fell off my bed! Funny right?

Rather scary when he told me about he once wrote a poem (about 7 years ago) about water and he throw it away in a bottle to the sea! And then it hits me, I also wrote a poem about the sea a few years back (I didn’t try to remember the exact year… too many coincidences scares the hell out of me). And I should put it here one day… it was quite nice and sweet…

Anyway! I feel that there are too many coincidences around me lately, it almost felt like something or someone is trying to tell me something…

I appreciate seeing artists take a leap of faith when it comes to self-expression and working within the abnormal rhelms of everyday life. One such guy who’s got my attention is Dominic Wilcox. After studying in Scotland, living in Japan, and earning an M.A. in Product Design under Ron Arad, Wilcox now creates major art commisions for organisaions such as Nike and Esquire. He continues to develop new work and abstract ideas while sharing his sketchbook imagination with readers on his own blog site Variations on Normal. Dry wit and a twist or weirdness is exhibited in his creations. Check it out.

Luxury Skimming Stone safe in a leather pouch.

Xylophone Bin that plays note when the foot lever is pressed.

The Bird Cage to fit, exactly one bird. Weird.

Orgazmatron brings fun back into housework.

One A Day Cod Liver Calender to fill you wall and make heart happy.

A Bed for single side sleepers.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rogersg/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

In the recent Fear the Boot #168, the guys on that podcast focused on how to keep a player’s attention during a game. The arguments for wanting players to stay focused are good ones, and I can pretty much summarize them with the following statement: “people have limited time to game, and everyone has agreed to spend some of that time gaming together.” There was some back and forth about how much time at the table should be spent gaming vs table chatter and when those instances are okay or not. I am on the side of table chatter is good because I’m there to relax and have fun with friends. But I like to keep it contained because I want to accomplish something in-game as well (for me is fun and relaxing).

There are two consistent times when I feel my attention wandering while the game is going on. Either during combat when its not my turn in a long round or during an role-playing encounter when my character is on the sideline.  On analysis, these two are the same situation: I have nothing to do and what’s going on doesn’t affect me. One the hallmarks of a successful board or card game is that each player doesn’t have a lot of downtime. Since the activities in D&D are quite varied and DMs differ a lot in style, downtime isn’t inherent in the system, and so there are things that can be done to minimize (but not eliminate) downtime. Less downtime means less time for loosing focus and playing Wii while someone else is acting.

For better or worse, the DM is the de-facto leader in most groups and so most of the blogs, books, and podcasts out their give DM advice for helping players stay focused and keep the game moving. I personally like keeping an explodeable cart on every street corner as way of drawing players back into the game.

Here are suggestions to my fellow players on staying focused and keeping the game moving:

1. Respect the other players’ time. Come prepared; know your combat powers and rituals. Spend the time between rounds preparing in your head an A action (and a B action in case the situation changes). In an non-turn situation limit your time spent dominating the RP.
2. Provide hooks in the conversation so the DM can pause it or bring in other players. After striking up a conversation with the barkeep, take your drink back to a table and sit quietly for awhile. After prying information out of the lord’s chamberlain, take a while to look at the nice tapestries.
3. Don’t ramble on constantly and monopolize the game time.
4. Bring in your fellow players. If you’ve got a rogue, take him with you to scout out the rooftops. A wizard? Suggest that he go to talk to the town’s archmage. If two characters are charsima-y, do a good cop/bad cop routine on a prisoner. Of course that’s just sharing the spotlight with one other character. I’ll to take more time to figure out what you can do for a whole party.You can also bring in another player unwillingly. If two of you are out scouting the town together, punch the guard and you both wind up in jail. Speak on behalf of another to an npc, or start a little something like stealing the halfling’s breakfast ration. Player’s note: only do these things sparingly. Some people won’t take kindly to you forcing their characters to act or being negative towards them, and even a tolerant group gets sick of one player’s jackassery.
5. Get a combat buddy. Pair up with the guy next to you and help him plan his turn. Of course you have to make sure he/she is amenable to this type of gaming. It’s not about ego, but instead working together to solve a challenge.

What other tricks do you do help your fellow players stay focused?

Looks like there is a starving artist on eBay. This Batman and Robin original painting is up for Buy It Now for the low low price of $12,000,000! That’s right. However, you could also make an offer more inline with your budget. Then again, art is subjective, so it may be a fine investment for you Jokers. Check out the high price collection for sale in this artist eBay store or click on your favorite image below. I have to say, I like his work. Go ahead and make him an offer!

Tommervik Batmand and Robin Painting

Tommervik Captain Kirk

Tommervik Star Trek Spock

She continues to give us dire designers something new and cool to long for. I just found these Kelly Wearstler for Pikard China place settings in Met Home and had to share them with you. I love ikat and chevron designs in addition to anything a wee bit off the cuff. Any meal would be that much tastier on these beauties.

Hillcrest is evocative of sea anemones and the stylized florals of the 1920’s.

Pickfair is a dynamic interpretation of a chevron pattern with muted hues of soft gray, mica and gold.

Trousdale was inspired by the delicate lacquer work of the Art Deco movement and the minimalism of Japanese art.

my room now smells sweet.  and ive carpeted my floors with unused carpets from home. i dont know how my roomie will interpret this but i hope she understands that i do not tolerate rubbish lying around the floor eventho it is part of her floorarea. its not fair for me. and it hurts my sight coming to work to see rubbish on the floor. makes you wanna feel like you’re rubbish (to her) yourself. its not fair because you dont ever stay in this room, and thats supposed to mean that you have the audacity to leave rubbish around and youre under the impression that im cool with it just as long as its not within my space. wrong.

students come and go and a messy room is not like a teachers’s room.

whatever she does directly or indirectly really hurts my feelings. im so unhappy. but i occupy myslef by bringing carpets to class and arranging papers neatly. its very obvious that she doesnt like me, as much as i am not fond of her. but leaving rubbish on the floor is just too much. maybe if she acted more like what her role is right now, i would be more comfortable with her. urgh. drama.

i was browsing thru some wedding blogs. i felt a sense of disbelief looking at these blogs. before this, i felt envious. but this time, i couldnt care less. i suddnely see that there is no point in parading pictures, posting tips, posting other wedding websites, and all that for the sake of satiating the audience. i think we should share substantial information. not information to polish our polished reputation. it starting to get old for me. or im just too bitter and annoyed by rubbish.pun intended.

last night, we had dinner at chilli’s with anol, tambun and ajed. went to klcc by the lrt. was a sweet memory for me. anyhow, till now, i still felt that last night would be better off spent at home, writing up invitation cards with mr shiham my dearest. oh well.

it turned out that there is another continuation to the drama of ager’s love life. according to the new aunt agony- that is my mother- ager has broken up with nazirun. she was so heartbroken that she took a halfday off from work and went to seremban with bonchu and spent some hours there with kak bab and the beach at port dickson.

yes sister. that is how much love hurts you. it never never is wonderful or painless. if you feel love a hundred times, you will hurt a hundred times multply by two.

she seems indifferent. but obviously she seems more distant, hostile and unsure. thats a broken heart for you.

on a lighter note….

this morning’s class had to start late bcos we had to move to the library bcos the godforsaken individual did not turn up to work yet so i couldnt get the lcd projector so we moved to the library and it was sooo much better there!

the boys did a good job on applying tenses into their mock dialogue. but then again tenses are very much the foundation of our sentences. but then they have to know how to use it right lah kan.

tonight it is going to be the first series of my replacement classes for my wedding cuti. haih.

hope today will end good.

Who would ever have thought that hemp, lime, and water would make a perfect recipe for thermal walling?! We know they make a great party but the concoction is on the brink of competing with concrete. The American Lime Technology (ALT), a joint venture of UK-based Lime Technology Ltd.and U.S. Heritage Group, Inc. of Chicago, Illinois, is marketing their newest green thermal wall material called Hemcrete®. This highly sustainable product can be used to create insulating walls in new structures or used to retrofit existing floors, roofs, and walls with thermally efficient, breathable insulating layers. It captures enough carbon dioxide in its creation process to offset application, making it a true carbon-negative construction material.

Hemcrete Wall Section

Hemcrete® is a blend of a special lime based binder (Tradical® HB) and specially prepared hemp shiv (Tradical® HF). Together these form a sustainable bio-composite construction material that combats climate change by capturing carbon and delivering high performance airtight, insulating walls. The carbon capture environmental benefits of Tradical® Hemcrete offer an immediate way to combat climate change.

More terrible news for the home design industry!  Goodbye Metropolitan Home. Hachette Filipacchi Media has has decided that December will be the last issue of Metropolitan Home magazine. Instead, they will focus their energy into further developing Elle Decor. I have kept every single issue of these magazines (at least of the ones I’ve been reading since I don’t know when).

However, Hachette is not the only publisher feeling a loss. Every major publisher has foreclosed on a shelter magazine in the past 18 months. Unlike with past magazine closings at Hachette, including Elle Girl and Premiere, the company does not plan to keep a Web site up and running. Methome.com will be discontinued. I sure do hope you can keep home design readers and content worshippers alive Elle Decor. Just don’t smother it with too much advertising. Another one bites the dust.

I love one of the phrase of this song.

“Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face”

Our life have always been ironic,

when u hope for the best, or simply the better way, etc.

HAHA how amusing our life is.

These book covers deserve real estate on your frequented bookshelf or cozy reading nook. A set of eight special hardcover editions of Penguin Classics includes authors like Oscar Wilde and Jane Austen. All volumes feature gorgeous foil patterns stamped on pretty linen cases and and ribbon markers. Add personal oomph and literary intrigue to your home or slip a satin ribbon around the book cover for an instant is simple gift – no wrapping paper needed!

Beautifully Covered Classics! | Penguin Classics $20 each

One problem with adulthood is that there are a lot of competing interests for one’s time. No matter what we might try, life happens and we don’t get to game every week. When we can, we still get together for some non-gaming hanging out. For those occasions I keep the D&D cartoon dvd set, runebound, and munchkin in my car. But sometimes we just punt on the week altogether.

On those occasions, I like to make up that lost time by working on my game. I l use that off night to spruce up my character sheet and update the stats on my power cards. Some other non-game night activities:

1. Reorganize my game bag. I always seem to wind up carrying an extra DMG or power cards for an old character for no reason. Also my dice bag seems to drop a die into the bowels of the bag from time to time.
2. Plan for the future. I like to review the feat and power options available for near levels and work on my back story and how that leads into a paragon class.
3. Look for inspiration in other fantasy sources. Watch some LotR, play a little Oblivion, catch up on some gaming blogs and podcasts (see the link roll on the right), and otherwise get ideas and pumped up for the next week.
4. Relax. Have a beer and watch some Law and Order. Sometimes its nice to just have a week off to recharge the gaming batteries. Plus there’s truth in absence makes the heart grow fonder

What do you guys do on an off week?

so im wasting my time here. ive done my preparation for tomoro’s lesson. but ive not done the afternoon class’s preparations. but i think ill be able to prepare in time.

im tired but i can feel my heart beating real fast. obviously, because i am online and my exhausted body is gooing against my mind while i sit here infront of the laptop and write away. oh i really should stop.

the day has been good so far. im hoping for better days for this week. which reminds me, i got a IEEP thingy at melaka. so that would be fun.. err.. i mean going to melaka. not the IEEP. i miss place. at least there would be some difference for this wiken.

anyhow, im going to quit writing now. this is just bollocks. im exhausted. i shouldnt be here.