‘What about Postal or BloodRayne?’ he wonders

With nearly 30 films under his belt, writer-director Uwe Boll is prolific by any standard. He’s also known for being the biggest hack in the industry, so when only three of his films appeared on Metacritic’s “Worst Movies of the Decade” list, Boll was understandably upset.

“Each movie I make is another chance to cement my spot as the worst auteur in Hollywood. I take that very seriously,” he said. “At first glance, yes, more of my movies made the list than anyone else’s, but only three? There could have been a dozen, at least.”

Boll’s trio of films deemed horrendous enough to warrant “worst” status were House of the Dead, In The Name of The King and Alone In The Dark, with miserable scores of 30, 15 and 9, respectively.

“On top of the fact that they didn’t even include my other works like Postal, BloodRayne and Blackwoods, I also had just one film with a single digit score,” he complained. “It’s bullshit.”

But it isn’t all bad, says Boll. According to the German-born director, Metacritic has basically issued him a challenge, and it’s one he intends to meet with his entire arsenal of bad storylines, terrible direction and objectionable themes.

“This next decade will be my worst yet,” said Boll. “I guarantee it.”

I’ve been reading and enjoying everyone’s best and worst lists lately, and the ugly narcissist in me was desperate to horn in on the action. So that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Here, for your disagreement pleasure, are my Mint and Wank lists for the past 10 years, starting with…

The Mint List:

10. Almost Famous (2000)

Not one most people would pick, and Cameron Crowe tends to divide people, but I’ve always had a soft spot for this story of  a young lad coming of age during the tail end of the big guitars and long hair era. It’s funny, it’s insightful, it’s touching, it has a great soundtrack, and it captures the life of a touring rock band very well. It also has two great performances: one from Frances McDormand as William’s over protective mother and one from Billy “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” Crudup as Stillwater’s charismatic guitarist.

The only thing I don’t like about Almost Famous is it made me like an Elton John song. Damn you, Almost Famous. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Even so, if I could live my life over again, I would live my teenage years as much like this film as I possibly could.

9. Rocky Balboa (2006)

It was a terrible idea, but somehow Sylvester Stallone pulled it off. He resurrected the greatest character of his career and he did so without making an embarrassing mess of it. What a shame we can’t say the same about Rocky V.

Given Stallone’s age, credibility was stretched very thin in this one, but he turned his grizzled old bastard-ness to his advantage by crafting a film that was as much about the difficulties of ageing as it was about furious face punching.

Easily my favourite of all the Rocky sequels.

8. Kung Fu Hustle (2004)

Minor genius Stephen Chow takes a bunch of Kung Fu, musicals, cartoons and fifties gangsters; then mixes them together in one giant pot. It shouldn’t work, it should be a chaotic mess, but the end result is one of the most purely enjoyable films I’ve seen in a long, long time.

Part of me wishes we could see more of Chow in the West (his version of The Green Hornet will always be one of those ‘films that got away’ for me), but part of me is also glad he’s stayed put in Hong Kong. I would hate for him to end up wasted in diluted drivel like so many Hong Kong stars.

7. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

The second foreign language film to make the list and the first of two Guillermo del Toro films (I wonder what the other one is?), Pan’s Labyrinth arrived on a tide of reviews so effusive I felt sure I was going to be disappointed. Turned out, I wasn’t.

Del Toro mixed the creepiness of films like Cronos and The Devil’s Backbone with the special effects and creature design of Hellboy and Blade II to great effect, producing a beautiful (and beautifully dark) fairy tale about a girl who takes refuge in a world of fantasy while her life turns to shit all around her.

This is a rare case of a film surpassing my already high expectations with ease.

6. Bad Santa (2003)

I like Christmas, but I hate Christmas films, which is why I tend to keep my Christmas film viewing limited to the likes of Die Hard and Gremlins. But finally, in 2003, I got a Christmas themed film I could watch and enjoy while I was wrapping my presents without the usual torrent of syrup that always ruins festive movies.

Hallelujah!

Bad Santa – the story of a self-loathing, drunken degenerate who dresses as Santa for purely criminal reasons – is hilarious from start to finish, mostly due to a storming performance from Billy Bob Thornton as the Santa who pisses himself, fucks fat women in the changing room, and moves in with comically blank kid Thurman Merman because he wants to nick his stuff.

Essential Christmas viewing for cynical old bastards such as myself.

5. Shaun Of The Dead (2004)

I don’t watch many British films, mostly because so many of them are shit, and I wasn’t a huge fan of Spaced because I was never a student and I find their lifestyle strange and annoying, so my expectations couldn’t have been lower for Shaun Of The Dead.

Turns out, it’s mint.

I re-watched this a couple of weeks ago (as a double bill with Zombieland) and it’s held up really well. Still incredibly funny, and the homages to Romero are nicely placed.

The only thing I find confusing is why Simon Pegg has gone on to be such a big star while Nick Frost hasn’t. Of those two cunts, he is clearly the funnier cunt.

4. Spider-Man 2 (2004)

In the wake of Spider-Man 3 it’s become fashionable to bash Spider-Man 2, but balls to that. This film is mint.

Sam Raimi balances his tones brilliantly in this sequel, mixing action, comedy, romance and drama, while also managing to pay respect to the comics without being overly reverential. It’s a neat trick, one that very few other directors of comic book films have been able to pull off, so I take my hat off to him.

If only Spider-Man were more of a cool, head-chopping badass, then he would have come higher in this list than…

3. Blade II (2002)

Many people out there will argue over which film is better – Citizen Kane or Blade II – but I won’t be joining the argument. I won’t be joining because I already know the answer.

Does Charles Foster Kane run about in awesome shades and a leather coat kung fu-ing vampires and chopping their heads off  with his badass sword?

No, he does not.

That is why Blade II is better.

2. Memento (2000)

I’m more a fan of writing and acting than I am of directors and cinematographers and key grips and whatnot, which is why this one ranks so high for me. Memento is a perfect combination of a great script – intricately structured but always keeping sight of its characters and never forgetting to be about more than its ass backwards gimmick – and a magnificent performance by Guy Pierce.

Who knew Mike out of Neighbours could be so good?

This film works brilliantly as a whodunnit mystery, but once the puzzle is solved it’s still very effective as an analysis of a deeply traumatised man who will go to any lengths to give his fractured life meaning.

The one would probably make it onto my top ten of all time.

1. Team America: World Police (2004)

Trey Parker and Matt Stone closed out the nineties by making the funniest film of that decade (South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut), and here they are also making the funniest film of the noughties.

It’s got puppet action, puppet singing, puppet melodrama, puppet fighting, a puppet montage, and, most memorably, puppet fucking.

What the hell else do you want?

Unfairly slated by many at the time of its release because it didn’t attack George W. Bush, this film is a triumph of demented satirical folly. No one else will go to this much trouble to make you laugh ever again – including Parker and Stone, who say they’ll never make a sequel because the film was so difficult to make. That is a shame. A terrible, terrible shame.

The Wank List:

10. Rollerball (2002)

How do you waste Jean Reno, LL Cool J and a naked Rebecca Romijn?

You make Rollerball, one of the sorriest remakes to ever limp its way onto a cinema screen. Also, you make sure you cast insipid charisma vacuum Chris Klein 7 years before he perfected his hilarious technique of Anti-Acting in Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun Li.

The film is bad enough when assessed on its own merits, but the final, desultory kick in the balls comes from knowing that Rollerball was directed by John McTiernan, the man who gave the world Die Hard.

For shame, John McTiernan. Never mind arresting you for tapping people’s phones – you should have been arrested for this monstrosity.

9. Smokin’ Aces (2007)

Having made a pretty good impression with his first film Narc, Joe Carnahan took a bold and unusual step: he followed it up with this hollow, noisy, pointless film that ripped off, of all people, Guy fucking Ritchie.

Why would he do that? I don’t know, but he’s making the A-Team film next so he clearly hates credibility and is desperate to get rid of it like a bulimic woman is desperate to get rid of a heavy meal before it starts turning into ass fat.

Smokin’ Aces remains the only film I have ever walked out of, and I sat all the way through How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.

8. The Pacifier (2005)

Alternative title: Vin Diesel Goes Kindergarten Cop

From one extreme to the other. Smokin’ Aces is the only film on the list I walked out of, and The Pacifier is the only one I was dumb enough to watch twice. Saw it first on a plane, hated it, then saw it again later after I became obsessed with Gilmore Girls and thought I’d give the film another go because Lauren Graham is in it.

Bad move, Frank. That was a bad, bad move.

The worst thing about this film is it causes me to experience my least favourite emotion – empathetic embarrassment. It’s painful to watch Vin Diesel humiliate himself in a desperate attempt to follow the same career path as Arnold Schwarzenegger and fail so miserably.

Still, that picture of Diesel getting attacked by a duck is pretty funny. Maybe I should give it another chance…

7. In The Cut (2003)

People like erotic thrillers. They’re erotic – people like boobs. They’re thrilling – people like car chases. Trouble is, In The Cut is neither. Worse still, it’s pretentious. The story is essentially a Basic Instinct knock-off, but director Jane Campion is under the deluded impression she’s analysing the female sexual psyche.

No, Jane. People came to see Meg Ryan’s spuds.

Ninety-nine percent of this film is entirely forgettable, but I had to include it because of that last one percent, the part that is forever burned into my brain. The part depicted above (sorry about the quality of the image – it’s the only one I could find).

Whenever I see Mark Ruffalo in a film these days, all I can think about is him with his face buried in Meg Ryan’s saggy ass. It’s like I stared too long at the sun and my eyesight has been irrevocably damaged!

6. Crash (2004)

“Hello, I hate black people but I love my dad.”

“Hello, I hate Mexicans but my maid taught me a life lesson.”

“Hello, I’m a rich white guy named Paul Haggis, so obviously any film I make about racism will be horribly trite and about as substantial as that song ‘Another Day In Paradise’ by Phil Collins. Can I have an Oscar?”

5. Ultraviolet (2006)

When I was a wee boy, my mother would often tell me: “Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.”

Somewhere there exists an alternate reality where Kurt Wimmer’s mother told him the same thing, and the alternate version of me who lives in that universe never had to sit through this garish nightmare of cartoony action scenes and excessive CGI.

Alternate reality me is a lucky, lucky bastard.

This is a film where the villain wears a metal mesh gizmo jammed into his nostrils because he’s afraid of germs, but he has nothing covering his mouth. Ultraviolet adheres to that same level of intelligence throughout.

4. Aliens Vs Predator: Requiem (2007)

Much discussed elsewhere, so I’ll keep it brief. Suffice to say, this is a film so dark there were times I believed I was accidentally watching it with my eyes closed.

Seriously, those Aliens and Predators could have been blowing each other and filming it on their iPhones for all I know.

3. In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008)

The worst crime any film can commit is to be boring, and Uwe Boll’s In The Name Of The King: For Fuck’s Sake Why Is This Title So Long commits that crime in spades. It rapes you painfully with boredom, then nicks your car so it can carry out some sort of ram raid of boredom for which you will later be blamed and imprisoned.

This one took me three attempts to watch it, mostly because the film’s intense and impenetrable electromagnetic field of boredom was so strong I simply couldn’t watch it no matter how hard I tried.

You know how Blade says: “Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill”?  Well, some motherfuckers are always trying to watch In The Name Of The King and getting much the same result.

This film is so boring…

Nah, fuck it. That’s enough of that. I’m bored.

2. Southland Tales (2006)

Another one discussed elsewhere. Southland Tales is proof positive that Richard Kelly is probably a pretty interesting guy to get high with, but he has no talent whatsoever when it comes to crafting a screenplay that’s intelligent, interesting, engaging, coherent, or not written entirely with crayons and illustrated with pictures he cut out of his mum’s Argos catalogue.

For a while there, I thought this might be the worst film I had ever seen. Ever. And I’ve seen a lot of films. But I’ve since re-evaluated that position and decided that, no, it’s not nearly as inept as:

1. Children Of The Living Dead (2001)

Back in 1999, money grubbing douchebag John A. Russo had the bright idea of releasing a 30th Anniversary edition of Night Of The Living Dead, which he chose to spruce up by shooting some really shitty additional scenes and clumsily editing them into George A. Romero’s horror classic.

This film is the sequel to those really shitty additional scenes.

And, no, that is not a joke.

In every possible way a film can be bad, Children Of The Living Dead is that bad and worse. Script, acting, direction, editing, sound, special effects – whatever you’ve got, Children Of The Living Dead is ready, willing and able to demonstrate to you how much it really, really sucks at it. You can’t see it on film, but I’m going to go ahead and assume the catering was on the same level as every other aspect of this film and therefore gave every member of the production chronic diarrhoea. And this is a cruel thing to say, but those fuckers deserved diarrhoea. That would be the most just and appropriate bowel affliction in the history of cinema.

This film is so bad, I couldn’t even find a decent wide picture to use for this article. Droid likes wide pictures, and I’m doing my best to accommodate him. I hope he isn’t too mad.

If you’re mad, droid – it’s not my fault! Blame it on those filthy diarrhoea afflicted ass monkeys who made Children Of The Living Dead!

Jason Statham spelar Farmer (som tycker man ska heta det man är) vars lilla son mördas och frun (Claire Forlani) kidnappas av den maktgalna magikern Gallian (Ray Liotta). Genom att utnyttja landets kungs (Burt Reynolds) trollkarls (John Rhys-Davies) dotter (Leelee Sobieski; Wicker Man, 88 Minutes mfl) har Gallian byggt upp sådana magiska förmågor att han kan kontrollera en hel armé av monster, så kallade kruger. Gott står mot ont och den enkla bonden ska komma att spela en nyckelroll i kampen.

Jag vet inte varför man envisas med att ge den klåpige tyske regissören Uwe Boll sådana här pass påkostade projekt att sätta klorna i? Det här kunde ha blivit en rätt okej äventyrsfilm, men en film som utspelar sig en gång för länge sedan ska väl inte ha karaktärer som ser ut som snabbt utklädda 2000-talskändisar där man inte ens bemödat sig med att fixa frillorna? Filmmusiken är så övertydlig och stundtals bombastisk att det blir plågsamt, samtidigt som det mesta känns som billiga rip-offs från exempelvis Sagan om ringen, Dungeons & Dragons och någon asiatisk kampsportsfilm. Synd på så pass många intressanta skådisar (se ovan samt bla Ron Perlman, Kristanna Loken, kraftigt överspelande Matthew Lillard samt Brian J White (12 Rounds)). Många och långa stridsscener gör det hela rätt ointressant i längden även om det så klart även finns ett visst underhållningsvärde.

Betyg: 2

Wallpaper High Quality Widescreen 1600×1200

La vita di un semplice contadino e gran lavoratore di nome Farmer sta per cambiare per sempre. Una banda di assassini, i Krug – brutali energumeni guidati da un demoniaco stregone – arriva a Stonebridge, dando inizio a un vortice di violenza: saccheggiano il villaggio, uccidono alcuni abitanti, tra cui anche il figlio di Farmer, e rapiscono sua moglie Solana. Farmer, pur essendo sempre stato pacifico e amorevole, spinto dal dolore, decide di vendicarsi e, assieme al suo mentore Norick e suo cognato Bastian, si muove all’inseguimento dell’esercito Krug per liberare Solana. Intanto Merick, il mago del Re Konrad, scopre la fonte della forze dell’esercito dei Krug: un vecchio rivale di nome Gallian, un formidabile, potente mago. Gallian vuole detronizzare Re Konrad e far insediare al suo posto una debole pedina nelle sue mani, il duca Fallow. Mentre l’esercito del re tiene occupata la banda dei Krug, assetata di sangue, Farmer e i suoi compagni riescono a passare attraverso il pericoloso passo montano di Ehb. L’incursione notturna nell’accampamento dei Krug si trasforma in tragedia quando Norick e Bastian vengono catturati e Farmer riesce a salvarsi per il rotto della cuffia. Farmer a questo punto, alla disperata ricerca della moglie e dei due amici, si unisce all’esercito reale in un’epica battaglia. Il suo straordinario eroismo cattura l’attenzione sia di Gallian che di Merick. Nello scontro finale sarà compito di Farmer sconfiggere Gallian o permettere al terribile mago di prendere il controllo di quelle terre.

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http://www.megaupload.com/?d=5UUWUNJE
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=53MRD7QS

I was sick with the flu a few weeks back, and so I spent a LOT of time on the couch watching movies recently, so we are going to call this week, “MOVIE REVIEW CATCH-UP” Week!

Premise: Set in the kingdom of Ehb, the story follows a man called Farmer (Jason Statham), who was adopted by his village. When Farmer’s wife, Solana and his son leave to sell vegetables at the town of Stonebridge, Farmer’s farm is attacked by creatures called Krugs. With the help of his friend and neighbor Norrick, he travels to Stonebridge; however, the Krugs kill his son and capture his wife. With the help of Norrick and Bastianm, Farmer’s brother-in-law, he intends to find and rescue his wife.

The Krug are being controlled by the wizard Gallian who is amassing an army to overthrow King Konreid (Burt Reynolds), with the assistance of the King’s nephew Fallow.

Analysis: Let me put this into perspective for you… I have never, NEVER, not finished a movie… no matter how bad it was, no matter how lame the sets, how pointless the dialogue, how horrible the acting, I will stick it out till the end…

At least, that was until I hit “In the Name of the King”.

This was the most boring, horribly stilted piece of film I think I have ever seen. I kept looking at my timer on my DVD player going, (it MUST have been an hour since I last checked the time… only to find 3 minutes have elapsed). I seriously think listening to paint dry, (yes, LISTENING to it), would me more interesting than hearing some of the lines these writers came up with. On top of that, the only part of the movie that had the possibility of being good, the fight scenes where the people COULDN’T talk… it was shot in a horrible, jumping, jarring effect that made it near impossible to see ANY of the action.

I didn’t believe any of the relationships that were introduced into the plot… all the lines were delivered with the emotion of a wet sock in a muddy pond… seriously, this movie was BAD. I didn’t care when the kid died, I didn’t care whether his wife was alive or not, I didn’t laugh at the horrible physical humor or snide tet-e-tet between some of the characters… a COMA would have been more fun that this movie… waste of time. I put up with it for 45 min., then I just couldn’t take it anymore… bad bad BAD!

Best Quote(s): Who knows… I didn’t watch the whole thing… blah.

Official Trailer:

IMDB Website: Click here

IMDB Rating: 3.8 out of 10

My Netflix Rating: 1 star out of 5

I think I’ll rename Tuesday Althing to Tuesday Videothing. Yep. Another video clip today. But not music. A movie. A really bad movie.

You’ll notice this movie is not Norse-themed. But it is fantasy, which is a topic somewhat related to this blog. And everybody likes fantasy movies, right? Here’s one then we can all hate! Behold:

I kept waiting for Jason Statham to hop into an Audi and escape the fracas. Or to see Ray Liotta trade his sorcery for a police-issue Glock. As for Burt Reynolds, well, I thought he had died. Seriously.

And seriously — rent In The Name Of The King. It’s so bad, it’s good. (There are even ninjas in this movie. Talk about a final battle. Whew!) You’ll be making up your own lines in no time, a la Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Which, by the way, I happen to think is a fine movie! Too bad I could never get the audience to shut up so that I might better enjoy it. But no more. Bwahahahaha! The power of YouTube is mine to wield — and to force on you like Dr. Frank N. Furter on Janet (or Brad, as it also was). Enjoy:

Thanks for stopping by. Hope you enjoyed this week’s Tuesday Allskate. I mean Althing. Whatever.

See ya Thor’s Day!

En breves días, más concretamente el día 27 del mes en curso, se estrenará AL FIN en españa la obra “In The Name Of The King”, del maestro del cine germano Uwe Boll.

Versión del “Dungeon Siege” y que tiene un plantel de órdago, Jason Statham (ya van 3 estrenadas este año), Ray Lyotta, Kristanna Loken… y que la verdad tengo ganas de ver (si, soy fan del señor Boll, el mundo del cine necesita gente así).

Pero no solo está en camino esta obra (lleva 6 más desde esta) si no que vienen mas cosicas en camino:

Vuelve los orígenes de “Tetas y Culos” o lo que es lo mismo “The Fast and the Furious”, con Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodríguez y más miembros del reparto original:

También tenemos otra entreda de Crank, la película del GTA para muchos, donde la taurina y la adranalina han dejado paso a la electricidad en vena:

Otro clásico redivido, en este caso Dolph Lundgren, que nos tre una epopeya con mucha caña:

Y por finiquitar os dejo una película que hara historia “Vampire Lesbian Killers”:

Ok so I stole that byline from Gamespot but it’s too damn funny. So as most might not know, as I am also one to recently discover, The Golden Raspberry Awards, better known as The Razzies, is the counterpart to the prestigious Oscars. These awards honor the worst the movie business had to offer for the year. When I hear the words “worst” and “movie” in one sentence I always think Uwe Boll. For those not in the know the German director, Boll, is responsible for making some of the worst video-game movies ever. Now that’s saying something considering Mortal Kombat is regarded as one of the best in this genre! Some have said that Mr. Boll is our generation’s Ed Wood but that would be giving the Ed Wood, ‘Worst Film Director Ever’, major discourtesy. Anyway I’m happy to report that Uwe Boll is being given the Worst Career Achievement Award at this year’s Razzies, to be held on Feb 21. And now the nominees…

2008 Nominees for Worst Picture

• Disaster Movie & Meet The Spartans
• The Happening
• The Hottie & The Nottie
• In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege
• The Love Guru

MY PICK: The Happening (shockingly bad even by M. Night Shyamalan standards – he should’ve quite after The Sixth Sense.)

2008 Nominees for Worst Actor

• Larry The Cable Guy (Witless Protection)
• Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave)
• Mike Myers (The Love Guru)
• Al Pacino (88 Minutes & Righteous Kill)
• Mark Wahlberg (The Happening)

MY PICK: Mark Wahlberg (I didn’t get to see Meet Dave so I can’t vouch for Eddie. Mark though was atrocious in The Happening and I am kind of a fan so he must’ve been some kind of terrible for me to say that.)

2008 Nominees for Worst Actress

• Jessica Alba (The Eye & The Love Guru)
• Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett Smith, Meg Ryan (The Women)
• Cameron Diaz (What Happens In Vegas)
• Paris Hilton (The Hottie & The Nottie)
• Kate Hudson (Fool’s Gold & My Best Friend’s Girl)

MY PICK: None (The only movie here that I’ve seen is The Love Guru & What Happens In Vegas. But between those two I would have to go with Jessica Alba. She’s never impressed me in anything she’s been in except for a bikini.)

2008 Nominees for Worst Director

• Uwe Boll (1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name Of The King, Postal)
• Jason Friedberg & Jason Seltzer (Disaster Movie & Meet The Spartans)
• Tom Putnam (The Hottie & The Nottie)
• Marco Schnabel (The Love Guru)
• M. Night Shyamalan (The Happening)

MY PICK: Duh!

I actually disagree with a lot of these nominees especially in the Worst Actor/Actress categories. These unfortunate souls had to work with bad material, bad directing and worst (and in my humble opinion, most important) of all, bad editing. No matter what kind of talent you have or the gravity of your performance, ultimately it is the director and editor who decides which of your takes makes it into the final film. I also believe these nominations are decided by mere “Oh I find him/her like soooo annoying!” factor rather than the performance itself. Unfair methinks.

The rest of the nominees and categories can be found at the official website.

In the Name of the King ( ซูมชัดมาก )
1 2 3 4 5 6

Can you read that? If not, you’re going to want check into a hotel, open the dresser drawer and grab yourself a copy, because for the next few days of your life, this is your bible.

As the only person on this site (in the world, maybe) to have interviewed the good Dr. Boll (link forthcoming), I can say that he’s a hell of an entertaining public speaker.  Simply put, if he’s there, then you’ll surely want to be there too.

Oh Farmer, you sexy, sexy man.

IMDB: In The Name Of The King

“A man named Farmer sets out to rescue his kidnapped wife and avenge the death of his son — two acts committed by the Krugs, a race of animal-warriors who are controlled by the evil Gallian.“

Back in a day there was Conan The Barbarian, Time Bandits, Willow and many more movies that were of the same cloth. These movies had cheesy characters, not the greatest of acting, grainy sets and far fetched story lines. But I enjoyed them. I enjoyed watching them and their Velcro monsters, their heroes always saving the day just in the nick of time. The special effects were low rate and we needed to rely on our imagination and suspension of belief to realize the potential of the movie. But I enjoyed them.

I found myself in the midst of Black Friday at Walmart in Fayetteville, WV. I agreed to do early morning shopping with my daughter, she had never experienced it and was intrigued. 6AM shopping was found to not be what she thought it was to be. However, in the process, we found a great sale on videos at WalMart. Videos that were normally in the $20s were $9, movies normally around $15 were $6 and a wide variety of older titles were only $2. I was sucked in like a junkie to a crack house. I walked out with a stack of movies that I wanted to see, some I had seen before. In The Name Of The King was one of them. On the trip home, while Amanda drove, I decided to pop this one into the portable DVD player. I am glad I did.

Jason Stratham plays the part of Farmer, a good man who grew up an orphan (and raised by the entire village). He had his son murdered and wife kidnapped. He takes on the task of avenging the death of his son and finding his wife. In the process he finds his father, King Konreid (played by Burt Reynolds). Farmer thwarts Gallian (played by Ray Liotta) and frees his wife. The man who raised him, Norick (played by Ron Perlman) dies in the battle. Other characters – Merick (played by John Rhys-Davies) was the king’s right hand man and a Magi. And there was Merick’s daughter, Muriella (played by Leelee Sobieski) who realizes that she has inherited her father’s gifts. For once I enjoyed the actors as picked for the characters. I was in the right frame of mind to let this piece in.

I enjoyed it.

I know the critics and many a viewer alike panned the movie. But not me. I believe if this movie had been made somewhere between 1981 and 1986 it would have been a hit and on the shelves of many a movie collector. Unfortunate for this movie, the world has evolved into one that demands CGI and over the top special effects. For a hot minute I allowed myself to think that it was the mid-80s. I allowed myself to suspend belief and to use my imagination. You know what?

I enjoyed it.

Filme baseado no jogo para pc Dungeon siege, um jogo focado em mágica, armas etc., Apesar de bons atores e de uma estréia com expectativa, acredito que o filme deixou a desejar, só nos primeiros 20 minutos de filme ele se prende muito ao fazendeiro, a musica muitas vezes e muito alta e atrapalha o dialogo do filme, longe de uma trilha sonora medieval. Em pontos positivos posso dizer que ele tem efeitos de cenário ótimos.

Apesar disso teve uma estréia considerada ”desastrosa” nos EUA. O que pode tornar a ultima da careira de Uwe Boll.

Título no Brasil: Em Nome do Rei
Titulo original:   In The Name Of The King: a Dungeon Siege Tale
País de Origem: Alemanha / Canadá / EUA
Gênero: Ação / fantasia medieval
Classificação etária: 14 anos
Tempo de Duração: 127 minutos
Ano de Lançamento: 2007/ em dvd-julho de 2008
Estúdio/Distrib.: Flashstar Home Video

Nadiége

>> I saw a Led Zeppelin biography for P95 on BookSale tonight, “Hammer of the Gods.” But I let it go. I’m still debating within myself whether I regret the decision.

>> I’ve finished the entire Twilight series. It’s okay. I don’t like Renesmee, the half-vampire kid who grows at an alarmingly fast rate and is pre-destined to spend the rest of her life with a werewolf who acts as her nanny while she’s still a kid. How can you not dislike her? She’s a half-vampire kid who grows at an alarmingly fast rate and is pre-destined to spend the rest of her life with a werewolf who acts as her nanny while she’s still a kid. And her name is Renesmee. Ick.

>> Over the weekend I saw the following on DVD: Planet Terror (it’s so bastos and hilariously tongue-in-cheek I loooove it), Teeth (a tastefully-made nightmare for guys), and the laughable In the Name of the King (starring Jason Statham who is kinda like Bruce Willis minus the endearing smugness). I found them lying around the den.

>> Okay, this prolly doesn’t count as pop culture, but I’m writing this down for record-keeping’s sake: girls’ night out with old and new friends last Friday night, first at Nine Ball in Tomas Morato then at Esquinita near ABS-CBN. Twas nice to just chill and talk. Got home 2 a.m.

>> Gossip Girl is back! I adore Evil Serena. Go give that insensitive poet (how ironic) Dan hell. I kind of hate how it’s turning out for Blair, though. But I guess one kingdom can’t have two queens (I can so imagine Kristin Bell’s voice saying that).

>> House MD is back! And it was kind of disappointing. Why am I disappointed? Maybe I was just too let-down by what happened last season. Why did Amber have to diiiieeee? Bring back happy Wilson! And give more scenes to Chase and Cameron, for crying out loud.

>> The Office is back!  Jim’s proposal beats the hell out of…everyone else’s. He asks Pam to meet him for lunch, they meet at a convenience store by a gas station, she rushes out to complain about how far she traveled, and then in the rain he goes down on one knee and asks her to marry him. Are you kidding me are you kidding me. I love how unexpected and honest that was (and New York magazine did too yey!), even though it was so obvious that the writers were trying to make it look like it it was no big deal even though they totally knew it was. And oh, Ryan’s ambitiousness used to be endearing, but now he is just a scumbag.

เรื่องนี้สนุกใช้ได้ครับออกเเนวเเฟนตาชีเป็นเรื่องเกี่ยวกับอาณาจักรหนึ่งชื่อเอฟเริ่มเรื่องโดยมีพ่อมดนามว่าเเกลเลี่ยน
กับเเม่มดที่ชื่อมูเดร่าพลอดรักกันเเล้วตัดฉากไปที่เมืองมีชาวสวนทำไร่กันอยู่โดยมีพ่อลูกถอนหัวมันอยู่พ่อชื่อฟาร์เมอร์ลูก
ชื่อเซฟ ฟาร์มเมอร์มีภรรยาชื่อโซโลน่า เเละก็มีลุงที่จูงหมูจูงหมูเข้ามาชื่อว่านอริส ลุงนอริสเเกเอ่ยว่าจะเลิกทำไร่ไถนาเเล้ว
ไปเป็นทหาร ณ.เมืองเอฟทหารได้เข้ามารายงานพระราชาว่ามีปีศาจออกมาเข่นฆ่าทหารไปหลายนายนอริสทำนาอยู่ได้ยินเสียง
สัตว์ร้องนอริสออกไปเจอกับปีศาจฆ่าปีศาจตายไปสองตัว ฟาร์มเมอร์กลับมาก็ช่วยนอริสฆ่าเหล่าปีศาจกล่าวถึงในเมืองเอฟ
มูเดล่าฝึกดาบอยู่กับนางกองเเห่งกองทัพเอฟชื่อว่าทาลิสตอนนี้ดยุคหรือพระนัดดาเดินเข้ามาชวนทาลิสทะเลาะเเต่ทาริส
เดินหนีไป ทางด้านฟาร์มเมอร์ได้ฆ่าหัวหน้ากองพันปีศาจตาย(จริงๆเเล้วหัวหน้ากองพันปีศาจเเละกองทัพปีศาจถูกควบคุม
โดยเเกลเลี่ยน)หัวหน้ากองทัพปีศาจฟื้นขึ้นเเล้วได้เริ่มไล่ล่าเซฟกองทัพปีศาจได้เริ่มถอนกำลังเเล้ว(ตอนนี้ผู้เขียนไม่รู้ว่า
เซฟตายหรือยัง?) เมื่อทหารปีศาจกลับไปพร้อมจับชาวเมืองไปด้วยชาวเมืองฟาร์มเมอร์นอริสเเละบาสเตียนได้ช่วยกันฝัง
ศพของครอบครัวของพวกเขาฟาร์มเมอร์บอกว่าจะตามหาโซโลน่าดยุคได้ทำสัญญากับเเกลเลี่ยนเพื่อให้เเกลเลี่ยนช่วย
ดยุคขึ้นครองราชย์ตอนนี้โหรได้มาคุยกับฟาร์มเมอร์ว่าพระราชาต้องการเจ้า(โหรคนนี้เป็นพ่อของมูเดร่าเป็นพ่อมดด้วย
ครับ) พวกของฟาร์มเมอร์ได้เดินไปจนถึงหน้าผามีธารน้ำตกอยู่ข้างหน้าพวกเขาก็สามารถข้ามไปได้ พระราชาได้กลับ ไปวังพบว่าดยุคอยู่กับหญิงสาวเเล้วจึงเรียกดยุคเข้ามาพูดคุยกันที่โต๊ะอาหารเเล้วกล่าวว่าการกินเหล้าเเต่เช้ามิใช่การกลับ
ตัวกล่าวถึงฟาร์มเมอร์นอริสเเละบาสเตียนเข้าสู่ป่าอาถรรพ์เเห่งเซดวิกมีไม้เลื้อยตามพวกเขามาเเล้วเขาก็ถูกเเขวนพร้อม
กับมีสาวโหนเถาวัลย์มาบอกให้ออกจากป่าเเห่งเซดริกมูเดร่าด้วยกลัวพ่อมีภัยก็ได้เข้ามาคุยกับพระราชาตอนนี้พระราชา
เเละดยุคโดนวางยาดยุคได้กินยาเเก้พิษถูกเเกลเลี่ยนทองบุญคุณส่วนพระราชาโหรมาช่วยไว้ได้ดยุคได้นำทัพทหารที่11
เเละ13ออกจากเมืองเอฟ ตอนนี้ตัดมาด้านฟาร์มเมอร์ได้มีสาวป่านำทางให้จนพบกองทัพปีศาจบาสเตียนเเละนอริสได้สวมรอย
เป็นปีศาจเเล้วปะปนเข้ามา ส่วนฟาร์มเมอร์เจอโซโลน่าเเล้วเเต่ถูกตีหัวสลบด้านพระราชาฟื้นขึ้นมาเเล้วบอกว่าจะเอาคืน
จากดยุคฟาร์มเมอร์ฟื้นขึ้นมาถูกเเขวนอยู่เเต่ก็สามารถฆ่านายกองปีศาจได้อีกเป็นครั้งที่สองนอริสเเละบาสเตียนถูกจับ
ไปเเละได้บอกกับโซโลน่าว่าเฟซถูกฆ่าซะเเล้วโหรออกมาเจอฟาร์มเมอร์เอายาให้กินเเล้วรับเข้าสู่ค่ายทหารมูเดล่าได้
ควบม้าออกจากเมืองเเล้วพระราชาจึงได้ทราบจากโหรว่าจริงๆเเล้วฟาร์มเมอร์คือโอรสของพระราชาที่หายไปเมื่อ30ปี
ก่อนเเละอาจเพราะทวยเทพช่วยพระโอรสจึงได้ไปอยู่ที่สโตนบริดจ์เเล้วโหรถามว่าท่านจะอยู่ที่ใดได้ถ้ากองทัพปีศาจ
บุกมากองทัพเอฟเจอกับกองทัพดยุคทันใดนั้นพระราชาก็ปรากฎตัวขึ้นดยุคหนีไปได้มูเดร่านั้นออกจากเมืองเอฟเเล้ว
ถูกตามด้วยหัวหน้ากองพันปีศาจเเต่หัวหน้ากองพันปีศาจก็ถูกฆ่าด้วยสาวๆเเห่งป่าเซดวิกกองทัพเอฟเสียเปรียบอย่าง
หนักกองทัพปีศาจยิงลูกไฟใส่ทหารเเล้วเผาพวกเดียวกันยิงใส่ทหารเเห่งเอฟส่วนทหารเเห่งเอฟก็ยิงธนูตอบโต้ทหาร
ปีศาจที่คุมเครื่องยิงตายเรียบสถานการณ้ตอนนี้เริ่มพลิกกลับเเล้วครับฟาร์มเมอร์ฆ่าหัวหน้ากองพันปีศาจได้เป็นรอบที่3
ในที่สุดราชาก็โดนดยุคยิงหัวหน้ากองพันฟื้นขึ้นมาอีกเเต่ก็ถูกฟาร์มเมอร์ฆ่าได้อีกในรอบที่4ดยุคได้เจอกับมูเดร่าในป่า
เเห่งเซดวิกเเล้วดยุคก็ถูกเถาวัลย์เเขวนไว้มูเดร่าจึงพาดยุคกลับไปนอริสเเละบาสเตียนวางเเผนหลบหนีเเต่ไปไม่รอดสุด
ท้ายนอริสตายเเละบาสเตียนก็ถูกจับไว้อีกครั้งมูเดร่านำตัวดยุคกลับมาเเล้วจึงเกิดการดวลดาบระหว่างทาลืสกับดยุคผล
คือทาลีสชนะโหรได้ออกมาบอกว่าราชาสิ้นเเล้วเเละฟาร์มเมอร์คือราชาองค์ใหม่โซโลน่าตั้งท้องเเกลเลี่ยนจับเเยกออก
มาตอนนี้สาวชาวป่าร่วมสู้ด้วยครับเพราะว่าโดนเผาป่าเลยสู้ด้วยความมืดเเผ่ปกคลุมป่าเซดดริก ฝนตกหนักทหารเอฟ กลิ้งหินใส่ด้านโหรฟาร์มเมอร์มูเดร่าสาวป่ามาที่หอของเเกลเลี่ยนโหรข้ามไปก่อนเเต่สู้เเกลเลี่ยนไม่ได้ถูก เเกลเลี่ยนฆ่า(จริงๆทั้งสองเป็นจอมเวทย์รุ่นสุดท้ายเเห่งอาณาจักรเอฟ)มูเดร่าเข้ามาเเล้วโหรก็เข้ามาถ่ายเวท
มนต์ให้ฟาร์มเมอร์เจอกับโซโลน่าเเละเเกลเลี่ยนเเล้วท้ายในวินาทีที่ฟาร์มเมอร์กำลังเเย่โซโลน่ากับมูเดร่าก็เข้ามาช่วย
ทำให้ฟาร์มเมอร์ฆ่าเกลเลี่ยนได้กองทัพปีศาจก็หายไป

ผมเล่ารู้เรื่องมั๊ยครับ ถ้ารู้เรื่องคอมเมนต์ด้วย ขอบคุณครับ

Esta película se estrenó en Estados Unidos a principios de año, pero es probable que en el Estado español no la podamos disfrutar en la soledad de una enorme sala de de cine, tal como nos pasó con BloodRayne (2005), y tengamos que esperar a su estreno en DVD.

El film está basado en el videojuego Dungeon Siege de Gas Powered Games, un juego de rol de avanzar, matar y saquear. Protagonizada por Jason Statham (Snatch. Cerdos y diamantes, 2000, Transporter, 2002) en el papel de Granjero, el reparto lo completan actorazos de la talla de Kristanna Loken, la mejor terminator que hemos podido ver hasta la fecha (junto con Summer Glau, a la que ansiamos ver fornicar con John Connor en la serie de TV); Udo Kier, actor habitual del listo Lars von Trier (muy recomendable su Celebrities); Michelle Rodriguez, otra guapísima, que lloramos por su destino en Resident Evil (2002); John Rhys-Davies, papelón en Dune 2000, Ray Liotta (Escape de Absolom, 1994) o los veteranos Ben Kingsley, que nos deslumbró en Casa de arena y niebla (2003), y Burt Reynolds (Los locos de Cannonball, 1981). Un plantel de lujo.

A continuación podemos apreciar en la comparativa como Uwe Boll ha conseguido sacar el máximo partido a su cámara para mejorar los vetustos gráficos de un juego de más de 6 años:

Just finished watching In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale movie. It is based on the Dungeon Siege games. This wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. Mostly they hate on it because Uwe Boll directed it. He turns a lot of video games into movies. And he gets a lot of flack for do it. This one was not too bad. It has a Lord of the Rings vibe going thought it, but what fantasy movie/book/game doesn’t. Not saying this movie is on par with the Lord of the Rings. It was a fun watch. I have seen much worst movies. There is a lot of realizable faces, I know idea they were in it.

Over all its an good movie to rent. Lots of great action. And the scenery is great.

3 out of 5 GT (GT = Good Times)

Has anyone else seen the videos that director Uwe Boll has been posting to YouTube? If not he’s the first one.

Wow, seriously, did he just call Michael Bay a retard? He isn’t vain at all is he?

Now I know that a lot of people like to mock Uwe Boll for making some of the worst movies ever, but a lot of people haven’t actually seen his films. It’s pretty easy to make fun of someone just because everyone else is doing it. But as someone who has seen a couple of his films, most recently In The Name of The King, I can legitimately say that he does indeed make shitty movies. I couldn’t believe that a movie with such a cast like that (Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, and Ray Liotta) could suck so bad. You could tell that the direction was just way off because the acting was terrible (yet these are all people who have proved their abilities), the editing was even worse, and seriously it just sucked.

So for Uwe Boll to call himself a genius and the only one making good movies these days is absolutely ludicrous. He should stick to making YouTube videos, they are far more entertaining than his movies.

[UPDATE] Uwe Boll has now challenged Michael Bay to fight him (for real he wants to go fisticuffs with him) in what he is calling Boll vs. Bay. haha