Yesterday was such a fun play day. Now that I have proved I can repeat successful casting results, it is time to play! I spent my entire studio day just having fun with the candy, trying all kinds of experiments and letting the candy take me places I never would have gone otherwise. It was such a relief after slaving over the mold, both the making of it and the repeat attempts at casting in it. And even though I have been working really consistently from day one, my studio finally looks like it has a lot more stuff in it thanks to yesterday’s experiments. But I’m going to be a horrible tease and not actually show them yet. To keep things slightly chronological, I’m going to share the candy making process and the first successful casts.

One batch of candy: sugar, corn syrup and a little water

Boiling sugar, this is the early boil stage, when it actually reaches temperature, it boils totally differently...

Candy ready for pouring, at about 300 degrees but no longer bubbly

The first successful cast. Totally ugly, heavy and dark, but it worked!!! This must have been the 4th or 5th cast of this same batch of candy...

Shattered candy from all the failed cast attempts

The first cast to work on the first try. Woohoo! This is the natural color of the candy: you can add baking soda to bleach it but it becomes more brittle.

I also had my first studio visit, with Sheila Pepe this morning. It was sort of my first official sculpture review ever! Never having taken a real sculpture class at RISD, my only experience was in a technical class that did not include much theory or criticism related to sculpture and the making of it. And although I have made a few sculptures and even shown them, there has not necessarily been much real discussion, especially not with professionals, about the end results or even the process. So good to finally have a real talk about what I am trying to do!! I had no idea what to expect so I am really happy with how it went.

I finally had my first big breakthrough last night. I spent the first few days here making a rubber mold, messing it up, fixing it, making a mistake, inventing a new mold making technique to fix it, etc. etc. Once I finally got a functioning mold, I began trying to cast home made hard candy in it and wow has it been a challenge. When I did the smaller casts at home in the old My Little Pony molds, everything worked like a dream on the first try and it all seemed so simple. However, the change in scale to a kickball sized mold made a huge unexpected difference. Suddenly it was impossible to get an even coating of candy throughout the entire inner surface. With the first cast, I didn’t make the candy correctly and it never hardened properly. The second cast I poured the candy out when it was too hot, creating an incredibly thin shell, meaning it crumbled and shattered when I opened the mold. This trial and error system went on for several more casts, each time getting a little closer to a successful full cast, but each time shattering and crumbling in the end. Every time I tweaked something about how I ran the cast, it would come out slightly better and therefore encourage me to continue adjusting, thinking EVENTUALLY it had to work. Towards the end of the day yesterday, though, I was starting to think that I should stop forcing the candy to do what I want and maybe step back and spend some time learning what the candy wants to do instead. Even though I finally got a successful cast yesterday (by pouring the candy in, closing up the pour spout with some plasticine, and continuously rolling the mold for a good 2 hours while it cooled), it’s still ugly, too thick and not really what I was hoping for. At least now I know it is possible though and can continue to tweak my technique until I am a pro. It still seems like it might be a good idea to step back and just play with the candy for a day or two before pushing forward. I might find some nice effects that I wouldnt have found on my own.

Anyways, without further ado, some pictures. I have also been taking time lapse photography while working in the studio so I will post the first week of video soon…

Kickball covered in plasticine with pour spouts and dividers for 2 mold halves

plaster mother mold... I used cheap modeling plaster and it was a big mistake, next time it will be half ultracal, half modeling...

After mother mold, I opened up the plaster, pulled out all the plasticine and put the ball back in to pour the rubber

I totally f-ed up the rubber but sort of invented a new technique in my attempt to save it... will explain that more another time, but here is the completed mold with kickball model, rubber mold, and plaster mother mold

The mold all closed up and waiting for candy to be poured in...

the mold upside down over a pot to drain out extra candy-this didnt work but it might in the future...

Next time will be the candy half of the process…

Yesterdays Schedule: I’m actually really sick of writing about my schedule and you’re probably sick of reading it so no more of this…

The polaroid film I ordered for the $5 camera I found at the thrift store in South Boston arrived (that not only had batteries but when I pushed the button to see if it still worked, a photo popped out!). How hilarious is this:

It has an ancient coupon for candy on it! Obviously this pack of film was destined to fall into my hands at this point in my life...

I also went into town (you know, around the corner), and bought a case and a half of sugar and half a case of corn syrup. The manager obviously thought I was a little crazy but humored me as I’m sure she gets weird requests from VSC kids all the time. I wasn’t sure how to lug it all back down the street, short of borrowing a shopping cart or checking with the staff for a wheelbarrow, but then remembered I have rolly luggage! Thank god for boxes with wheels on them…

About 60 or 70 lbs of sugar in various forms...

I think that’s all I’ve got today… It’s been almost a full week and I still don’t feel ready to actually share any of the work I’ve been doing. There has been a lot of mistake making so it feels like slow going. As usual, I expected to be much further along than I am! So once I feel a little more confident with where I’m at, I’ll post something… hopefully within the next couple days…

Yesterdays Schedule: Up at sunrise, online time, breakfast, open up rubber mold, lunch, make and cast candy, set up reference images, catch up on emails, watch season finale of project runway, dinner, model sugar molecule, out to local bar for drinks with crew and townies

Ah Black Friday. It is so appropriate to be working on this project during this commercial holiday. How have we as a culture come to this point where something like Black Friday could possibly exist? Not to mention the fact that it gets crazier every year! Are we so easily manipulated by commercial marketing that we would trample our fellow shoppers in the name of a bargain? And what exactly are we gaining by participating? The satisfaction of having won the battle against all other shoppers who may have wanted that deal, but won’t get it because you were there first? Consume, consume, consume, that seems to be all we know how to do. We shop in order to feel better about ourselves, having been brainwashed to think that stuff can fill the gaps in our lives. But let’s not forget that buying things for other people will make you feel twice as good! We attribute all kinds of value to meaningless objects that have no inherent worth-the diamond industry being one of the best examples-especially during this time of year. Here is this meaningless rock, that isn’t even that rare in the grand scheme of geology, which is somehow the most precious and sentimental of objects to be given during the holidays. Watching TV tells us that if you buy her a big rock, she will love you forever and be beautiful and you will have sweet children and a big car and a gorgeous house and a gentle dog in a nice part of town with great neighbors. And if he buys you the right rock, then you will know that life will be easy and wonderful and fulfilling for the rest of your days together.

OK, enough ranting. I am as much of a consuming zombie as the next person so I should probably stop talking. Here are some pictures I gathered today as reference images. Enjoy.

Soap Bubbles

Layered Bubbles

pollen molecules

Urine molecules

Sugar Crystals

Sugar Crystals

Gemstones

Diamonds

Cuts Diagram

Yesterdays Schedule: Slept in, straight to studio to pour rubber for mold, realized mistake and invented new mold making technique to fix it, online time, lunch duty, research, dinner, print images, back to room to edit video, read, draw, doodle and write.

I have got to figure out how to pace myself! Having the ability to concentrate on nothing but art all day, every day, is crazy and I find I am just exhausting myself. Coming in with a plan was great, because it means I can jump in without wasting any time thinking, but I might have dived in a little too deep right from the start. I should probably slow down and build up some studio endurance. But wow does it feel good to be able to live in the studio if I want. And spread out!! I can have separate areas for different materials so stuff doesn’t get contaminated, or have 5 molds in process at the same time, or everything at once if I want. It’s amazing!

And now some images that hint at what I’ve been working on. I did these test casts before leaving Boston:

A whole bag of Jolly Ranchers, ready for the melting

Jolly Rancher candy art

Jolly Ranchers, cast into an old rubber mold

Set of candy tests. Orange is candy I made from scratch, reddish is what a whole bag of melted Jolly Ranchers looks like

Yesterdays Schedule: Up at sunrise, online time, breakfast, plaster other half of mother mold, lunch duty, studio store, try to take mold apart and break it, replaster mold, dinner, online time, resident slide show, drinks, bed.

Work tables consist of sawhorses with doors on top. All visual artists get two of these plus a rolly tabera with a hasp in case you want to lock valuables up. No studio doors or bedrooms have keyed locks; only the exterior doors into each building have locks on them, and basically everything around here works on the honor system. From how you use the machine shop and buy sculpture materials, to borrowing books from the library and picking up mail. But I digress. I was going to share my work tables, which sounds boring, and it is, so I added some fun stuff at the end.

eye hooks, monofilament, goo gone, rolling pin, plasticine, buckets, alum flashing, fiberglass, respirator, safety glasses, nitrile gloves, dust masks, nuts and bolts, screwdriver, metal scraper, paint spatulas, chip brushes, utility knives, yucky scissors, tin snips, wood strips, power drill, towel

wine, sugar, fruit, food coloring, ring pops, electric burners, scavenged pots, alum foil, saran wrap, corn syrup, cooking spray, scavenged yucky towel, measuring cup, thermometer, funnels, timer, yummy scissors, heat gun, giant roll paper, cellophane, business cards, $5 thrift store polaroid camera, ginseng tea, VSC mug, water bottle, miscellaneous crap

Taberay turned sideways with laptop set in place with wood screwed to top for time lapse photography

This made me giggle, animal traps and pet cages side by side. Made me think about our weird relationships to animals...

Funny cat toy which may become a part of this project and will definitely be given to penny when I get home, even though she hates all cat toys that aren’t twist ties or wads of paper

I’m also on a weird writing schedule. Since there is no internet access in my room, I go home to write in the comfort of bed, pajamas and glasses at the end of the day and then get online in the main hall before breakfast to post. It’s different writing without the immediacy of the instant publish… I will have to think more on this. Or not. I have to admit, I find I haven’t been thinking much these last couple days and I’m really liking it…

Yesterdays Schedule: Up at sunrise, online time, breakfast, finish preparing plasticine, shopping at Johnson Farm and Garden with shop tech, Harlan, cover kickball in plasticine, lunch, add pour spouts and dividers in plasticine, cut flashing and insert for dividers, yoga, dinner, prep fiberglass, plaster first half of mother mold, back to room for blogging.

I still need to do my budget for Vestigial Organs, but how can I waste my first entry after arriving in Vermont on project budget concerns?! It just isn’t right… I intend to write an entry every day while I am here at the Vermont Studio Center, which sounds insane and maybe like a waste of precious time, but I think it’s important. The project that I have planned will be transient and ephemeral; translated, if you aren’t here in Vermont to see it, you will miss it. This means documentation is essential. In the same way that my time here is limited and will come to an end, so will this piece, so documenting both the experience and the project itself must go hand in hand and must be ongoing. Even if some days all I can manage is to post a photo of the grounds, or some oddity that catches my eye, that will be enough. The project is as much about time (this time of year, my time here in Vermont, time passing, the destructive nature of time) as it is about anything else. Have I been vague enough? I haven’t given away too much yet, have I?

Without further ado, some introductory photos:

My room; the first thing I was introduced to upon arrival. I cant be bothered to properly photoshop these together... You get the idea!

And the most important part, my studio. I put this up on the door so everyone knows where to find me and who is in there making all that smelly stuff...!

My studio! I should measure and figure out how big it is... maybe 10' x 20'?

I really don’t feel like doing the budget for Vestigial Organs so let’s procrastinate together instead! Instead of thinking about how my practice is a money sinkhole as I will never make anything off it, I’m going to do something fun and happy! A packing list for Vermont! I won’t tell you what I’m planning on working on while there, but maybe you can use your highly efficient detective skills to piece it together…

For Work:

Kickball and Bouncy Ball
Plasticine
Rolling Pin
Power Drill
Crockpot
Fiberglass
Buckets
Masks (dust and respirator)
Food Coloring
Nitrile Gloves
Chip Brushes
Corn Syrup
Aluminum Flashing
Tin Snips
Bolts and Nuts
Paint Spatula
Mold Release
Cooking Spray
Paint Scraper
Electric Burner
Scissors
Giant Roll White Paper
Meat Thermometer
Funnel
Utility Knife and Blades
Measuring Cup
Heat Gun

For Myself:

Books (Modern Sculpture Reader, Beauty and the Contemporary Sublime, Lectures on Art by Ruskin, A Philosophical Enquiry into the Sublime and Beautiful by Burke, Observations on the Feeling of the Beautiful and Sublime by Kant and What Happened to Art Criticism?)
Clothes (long underwear, sweaters, snow boots, yoga stuff, bathrobe, indoor slippers)
Toiletries (including exfoliating mask–some of this has to be retreat-like relaxation!)
Laptop (blog, twitter, facebook, email is a must–even if connectivity is highly limited…)
External Drive (finally going to update the website!)
Camera (plans for a nice time-lapse video by the end…)
Address Book (everyone likes mail!)
Headphones (music is essential but not allowed in the apartments)
Yoga Mat

Troykart

The Constitution in Camden is an unassuming Pub. I feel like I’ve never seen it in daylight, even though I definitely have. Its cellar, which opens up onto the towpath of the Grand Union Canal, is home to one of the most progressive and intimate jazz nights in London, organised and curated by trumpeter Richard Turner. The music is of a consistently high standard and the audience is rarely without a handful of London’s jazz elite. A few weeks ago, Jazz @ The Con Cellar celebrated its third birthday.

Opening the evening with a solo set was saxophonist James Allsop. He has such facility that for breathless minutes he blows away and there is nothing he cannot do. While his command over the instrument is impressive, there is a level of communication in his playing that is as inanely beautiful as the bric-a-brac surroundings of the Camden basement.

Like, yeah, man. {ginger between sushi}

\\

rice rice rice (no rice – con cellar birthday buffet)

enter Troyka.

(Chris Montague, Kit Downes and Josh Blackmore – all brilliant)

Guitarist Montague introduces one of the tracks: “this is a song by Nirvana” and I automatically flash back to some guys who used to play together before school band every Wednesday afternoon.
They always played Smells Like Teen Spirit.
They never sang.
It was never very good.
But it always had us mesmerized: the little kids, who were too young to have known about it all when it actually happened.

And then we all got Nevermind. Except I didn’t. I think they had sold out of Nevermind at HMV and I had to settle for an on-sale copy of In Utero from Modern Music in Abingdon. I listened to this album non-stop for ages. I remember having it in my discman on the bus to orchestra every Saturday morning. I loved it. While everyone else in class was discussing Come As You Are and Polly, I had to bluff along the conversation. They didn’t care for Serve the Servants or Rape Me.

Troyka weren’t playing Lithium or In Bloom: Troyka were playing Heart Shaped Box. Troyka were my new best friends.

Their disconcertingly bipolar sound revealed more about this music than I had ever noticed before. They showed me – or rather my fourteen-year-old self, also at the gig – that there are many dimensions to Nirvana’s songs which have not been explored. Heart Shaped Box demonstrated Troyka’s powers to me in a way other tunes couldn’t have: While there were even more exciting moments in their set, the fact that this song is embedded so deep in my memory made me listen very closely. I wanted to know why they had chosen it…

Nirvana’s music is one of extremes: From the eerily quiet to the painfully loud, the pretty and delicate to the noisy and indestructible. One of the things Troyka did was expand this to include crushing leaps in tempo and the ingenious improvisation which makes all of their performances so engrossing. The result was a musically distinct yet hair-growingly familiar rendition of one of my forgotten all-time favourites.

Of course, such musical development can be heard in all of Troyka’s work, and it reaches fantastic extremes of its own in their original compositions. However, in Heart Shaped Box I could hear the investigation I had always wanted into music I had not really listened to in nearly a decade.

- Soon after the gig, I listened to In Utero all the way through, twice in a row. And I loved it. Twice. I have since lifted my embargo on Seattle.

P.S. For a ruthless defence against the jokey-jazz-cover-of-a-pop-song accusation, look no further than The Bad Plus’ blog.

Alguna vez ya DoRe nos había explicado que es el Nirvana, palabra que da su nombre a este blog. Pero para muchos, lo primero que se nos viene a la mente al escuchar o leer la palabra nirvana, es la banda de rock de los años 90’s y no es para menos, pues fue una banda no solo muy exitosa, si no que dio origen a un movimiento rockero conocido como grunge, a demás de dejar un lugar marcado en la historia de la música.

Kurt Cobain, Kris Novoselic y Dave Grohl, originarios de Aberdeen, Washington, deciden formar una banda de rock en 1987. Ellos, principalmente Kurt, tenía la inquietud de que el sonido de su banda fuera algo extraordinario, algo diferente, algo nuevo… pero no sabía qué! Kurt buscaba una inspiración y en un principio encontró en la banda R.E.M. esa inspiración que buscaba. Kurt siempre fue un gran fan de R.E.M. Pero no fue si no hasta que un primo de Kurt le hizo una llamada telefónica y a través del teléfono, le puso una melodía que sería la base de ese sonido de pocos acordes, letras sencillas y guitarras monotónicas tan característicos de Nirvana y del grunge; Where is my mind de The Pixies.

Nevermind fue el primer disco en forma de Nirvana, de la mano del productor Bryan Vigorson, mejor conocido como Butch Vig quien también es el creador, escritor y productor de la banda Garbage. De este disco se extrae la canción Smells like teen spirit, que tiene una anécdota curiosa, pues el nombre de la canción lleva una marca de desodorante muy famosa de aquella época y en una fiesta en casa de una amiga de Kurt, el olor a borracho y demás cosas era muy evidente así que rociaron un desodorante de esos para que no oliera tan feo, cuando llegó otra amiga a la casa y viendo que todos estaban dormidos, tomó un pintalabios y escribió en el espejo “it smells like teen spirit”. El album vendió mas de 12 millones de copias hasta el año 1992… osea que súmenle! La portada del disco también es emblemática, con el bebé nadando intentando alcanzar un anzuelo del cual prende un dólar. La idea fue del mismo Kurt Cobain.

Después de ese disco llegó In Utero que también tuvo altas ventas pero no igualó a Nevemind, puesto que fue un disco mas experimental y no fue visto con tan buenos ojos por los fans de la banda.

A comienzos de 1994, la banda se embarcó en una gira porEuropa. Aunque el tour comenzó bien, los conciertos gradualmente declinaron, con la imagen de un Cobain aburrido y distraído durante los conciertos, particularmente durante el paso por Italia. Después del directo en Terminal Eins en Múnich, Alemania, el 1 de marzo, Cobain fue diagnosticado con bronquitis y laringitis severa. El espectáculo de la noche siguiente fue cancelado. En la mañana del 4 de marzo, en Roma, Cobain fue encontrado inconsciente por Courtney Love y fue llevado a un hospital. Un médico declaró en una rueda de prensa que el cantante reaccionó a una combinación de Rohypnol y alcohol. El resto del tour fue cancelado, incluyendo una visita planeada (después de 2 años sin ir) al Reino Unido.

En las semanas posteriores, la adicción a la heroína de Cobain reapareció. Una reunión fue organizada por familiares y amigos de Kurt Cobain y convencieron a éste para entrar en rehabilitación. Con menos de una semana en rehabilitación, Cobain escapó del centro de rehabilitación y voló hacia Seattle. Una semana más tarde, el viernes 7 de abril de 1994, el cuerpo sin vida de Cobain fue descubierto por un electricista en su casa de Seattle.

Solo eso faltaba para que la banda se ganara un ligar en la historia y tuviera a Kurt Cobain como una leyenda: su muerte.

Sin quererlo, la banda de grunge Pearl Jam delmítico Eddie Vedder, que también surgiera junto con Nirvana, se quedaría, sin buscarlo, como el estandarte del grunge a la desaparición de Kurt. Dave Grohl formaría la banda Foo Fighters y a pesar de cargar con la sombra de Nirvana, Dave ha sabido desmarcarse y abrirse paso por sí mismo y por su música.

Les dejo esta rolita que es de mis favoritas, bueno, de mis favoritas interpretada por Nirvana, porque en verdad esta canción es de David Bowie pero esta versión es simplemente genial. Saludos!

Nirvana

Pennyroyal Tea

Pennyroyal Tea Nirvana

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea [Live]

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea

nirvana – 05 – pennyroyal tea (unplugged)

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea – Opera House, Toronto, Canada

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea – Video & free listening at Last.fm

Pennyroyal Tea Nirvana (Ha ha!! were cooking NOW!!!)

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea

Pennyroyal Tea

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea – NPA Live

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea / L&L rehearsal / Part6

Nirvana – Pennyroyal Tea

nirvana pennyroyal tea

I’m on my time with everyone
I have very bad posture

Sit and drink Pennyroyal tea
Distill the life that’s inside of me
Sit and drink Pennyroyal tea
I’m anemic royalty

Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld
So I can sigh eternally
I’m so tired I can’t sleep
I’m anemic royalty
I’m a liar and a theif
I’m anemic royalty

I’m on warm milk and laxatives
Cherry-flavored antacids

Sit and drink Pennyroyal tea
Distill the life that’s inside of me
I’m anemic royalty
I’m anemic royalty

“Pennyroyal Tea” is a song by the American grunge band Nirvana. Featured on the band’s third and final studio album, In Utero (1993), it was initially scheduled to be released as the third singlein April 1994. After Nirvana’s front-man Kurt Cobain was found dead that same month, the planned release was abandoned.

History

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

According to Michael Azerrad’s 1993 Nirvana biography, Come as You Are: The Story of Nirvana, “Pennyroyal Tea” was written by Cobain in 1990 in an Olympia, Washington, apartment he shared with Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl. “Dave and I were screwing around on a 4-track,” said Cobain, “and I wrote that song in about thirty seconds. And I sat down for like half-an-hour and wrote the lyrics and then we recorded it.” The band played the song live many times in 1991 and 1992. However, it didn’t receive studio treatment until 1993, when it was recorded by Steve Albini for In Utero. A remix by Scott Litt appears on the censored Wal-Mart and Kmart versions of In Utero; this remix is also available on the band’s 2002 best-of compilation, Nirvana, and is, incidentally, the same mix that was to appear on the single (see below).

Meaning

The herb Pennyroyal is sometimes used as an abortifacient. An alternate explanation is that the song is just what it seems about at face value: a person “sitting and drinking pennyroyal tea.” In Cobain’s Journals, there is an entry where he explains (as much as possible for someone who said that his songs did not have a single meaning) the tracks on In Utero. The explanation simply reads: “herbal abortive… it doesn’t work, you hippie.”

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Scar Tissue

Kurt Cobain’s suicide letter, addressed to his childhood imaginary friend Boddah, written while he was high on herion.

This is apparently the result of going into production mode.  Shelves and carts and boxes and kilns full of teeth…

Kiln full of teeth...

Cart full of teeth...

Extra shelf in the studio, full of teeth...

Boxes full of teeth that have been dragged home on the T

And just for fun, a nice close up of some of my favorite broken teeth.  I haven’t transported these home yet since they are so fragile.  A surprisingly good photo, considering it was taken on my camera phone…

Broken Teeth

Cuaca hari ini terasa begitu menyengat. Meski sudah bertelanjang dada dan menggunakan kipas angin, tetapi tetap saja terasa panas. Bahkan aku sampai harus membuka jendela untuk sedikit mengurangi rasa panas ini. Tapi tetap saja tidak ada pengaruhnya. Tetap terasa panas.

Aku melanjutkan lagi menempelkan potongan-potongan gambar ke kanvas. Kolase ini belum selesai, masih setengah jadi. Ada beberapa gambar yang belum kutempelkan. Gambar bayi-bayi tanpa kepala, perisai, vagina, swastika, sepasang mata, gitar, sebungkus rokok, sebotol anggur dan sebatang korek api. Rencananya, kolase yang akan kuberi judul “in utero” ini akan kusertakan dalam pameran seni yang akan diadakan di Pendopo Kabupaten minggu depan.

Ketika aku masih asyik  menempelkan gambar-gambar itu, seorang laki-laki setengah baya datang menghampiriku. Kira-kira umurnya dua kali umurku. Meski sudah banyak uban di kepalanya, tetapi tubuhnya masih terlihat tegap.

“Nak, bagus sekali kolasemu itu”, ucapnya.

Terasa sekali bahwa laki-laki itu mencoba sedikit berbasa-basi untuk membuka percakapan denganku. Aku diam saja, meneruskan pekerjaanku tadi yang belum selesai.

“Maaf, kamu benar Jimbo, kan?”, tanya laki-laki itu padaku.
“Iya”, dengan terpaksa aku harus berhenti menempelkan gambar dan menjawab pertanyaannya.
“Memang kenapa? Bapak siapa?”, tanyaku kemudian.

Bapak itu diam sebentar, lalu menghela nafas.

“Aku…bapakmu”, jawabnya datar.

Dhuaarr!!! Serasa seperti disambar petir ketika aku mendengar jawabannya. Aku berhenti menempelkan gambar. Aku layangkan pandanganku ke arah bapak itu. Aku amati wajahnya. Aku merasa asing. Dan, aku merasa tidak mengenalnya.

“Kenapa nak?”.
“Tolong bapak jangan mengada-ada. Bapak saya sudah meninggal bertahun-tahun yang lalu. Sejak kecil, saya hanya tinggal bersama ibu saya. Jadi, sekali lagi, tolong bapak jangan mengaku-aku sebagai bapak saya. Dan kalau pun ternyata bapak adalah benar-benar bapak saya, saya tetap tidak akan percaya begitu saja.”

Bapak itu terdiam. Masih memandangiku. Lalu memandang kolase setengah jadi.

“Umur 6 tahun, waktu kamu main layang-layang di sawah, pipimu terkena benang gelasan2) sehingga tergores dan berdarah. Dan luka itu masih membekas di pipimu”, bapak itu bercerita.
“Kemudian waktu kamu belajar naik sepeda, kamu berkali-kali terjatuh dari sepeda. Tapi itu tidak membuatmu kapok untuk belajar. Sampai pada suatu hari, kamu terjatuh dan  membentur batu sehingga membuat tulang tanganmu patah. Setelah itu kamu tidak mau lagi naik sepeda.”

Bapak itu masih bercerita tentang hal-hal lain, yang samar-samar masih membekas di dalam ingatanku.

“Masih belum percaya kalau aku bapakmu?”.
“Bapak bisa saja mengarang cerita dan secara kebetulan cerita itu sama dengan apa yang saya alami waktu kecil dulu.”
“Nak, lantas apa yang harus saya lakukan untuk membuatmu percaya?”.
“Bapak tidak perlu melakukan apa-apa.”

^^

Semua gambar sudah menempel di kanvas. Aku sedang memberi sedikit sentuhan akhir untuk membuat “in utero”  sempurna, ketika bapak itu datang lagi.

“Nak, ini foto bapak dan ibumu yang sedang menggendongmu. Waktu itu kamu masih 3 tahun.”, katanya sambil menyerahkan selembar foto hitam putih yang kelihatannya sudah tua sekali, padaku.

Aku melihat foto itu. Persis sama seperti foto yang dulu sering diperlihatkan ibu kepadaku, kalau aku merengek menanyakan tentang bapak. Yang aku ingat, waktu ibu menunjukkan foto dan bercerita tentang bapak, ibu terlihat bangga dan bahagia. Itu saja.

“Trus, kemana saja bapak selama ini? Ketika ibu harus membanting tulang, bersusah payah untuk melunasi utang-utang bapak pada rentenir? Ketika ibu harus bekerja keras untuk mencari makan dan menyekolahkan saya?”, kataku sedikit keras.
“Apa itu yang dinamakan dengan seorang bapak?”, kataku lagi, agak emosi.

Bapak itu terdiam. Menunduk. Lalu memandang “in utero”.

“Sudahlah. Saya sudah biasa dengan keadaan saya. Sejak kecil saya sudah merasa tidak mempunyai bapak. Bapak saya sudah mati.”

Kembali, bapak itu hanya terdiam. Kulihat bibirnya sedikit bergetar, mungkin akan bicara. Sebelum sempat bapak itu bicara, segera kusudahi saja perbincangan ini.

“Maaf pak, saya masih belum bisa menerima bapak sebagai bapak saya.”

^^

Pameran seni di Pendopo sukses besar. Dalam lelang yang di adakan waktu pameran tadi, “in utero” laku terjual 250 juta. Pembelinya seseorang dari luar kota, yang pada waktu pelelangan tidak datang dan diwakili oleh orang suruhannya. Jadi aku tidak bisa bertemu secara langsung dengan kolektor “in utero”.

^^

Jarum jam berdentang 12 kali. Sudah tengah malam. Aku masih juga tidak bisa tidur. Berbagai pikiran berkecamuk di dalam otakku.

Dulu, aku pamit pergi ke kota dengan tujuan untuk mencari penghidupan yang lebih layak, dan suatu janji kelak jika aku sudah berhasil aku akan pulang dan membawa kembali anak dan istriku untuk menikmati keberhasilan yang kuperoleh. Tapi, ternyata  kenikmatan yang ditawarkan oleh kesuksesan itu telah membuatku lupa akan segalanya. Aku melupakan istriku. Aku melupakan anakku. Bahkan aku melupakan agamaku. Sampai suatu ketika datang seseorang yang mengingatkan aku kembali pada anak dan istriku.

Dan disaat rasa penyesalanku ini datang menghampiri, semua sudah terlambat. Sangat terlambat. Istriku sudah meninggal. Anakku tidak mau menerima aku sebagai bapaknya. Dan aku sendirian. Dan aku sendirian. Hanya ditemani “in utero”, kolase yang kubeli pada lelang kemarin.

–d r o p–

1) “In Utero”, judul salah satu album Nirvana.
2) Benang tajam yang biasa digunakan untuk saling beradu layang-layang.

la continuité d’être

In utero, durant la vie de l’embryon puis de la vie fœtale, le liquide amniotique crée un contact sur les tissus pratiquement en continu dans le temps et dans l’espace. Le contact tend vers la continuité mais ne l’est pas car un liquide contre une paroi a une variabilité de pression. Les ondes maternelles thermiques et acoustiques ayant traversé le liquide amniotique, sont reçues par l’embryon et le fœtus avec un caractère de continuité. Les modes perceptifs stimulés par ces ondes se construisent et comodalisent aussi avec un caractère de continuité dans le temps et dans l’espace. Après la naissance, l’audition et la vue proximales continue à fonctionner avec une grande continuité. Cette perception continue permet d’enregistrer les micromouvements du regard maternel et de la voix. Cette continuité est nécessaire sinon l’ensemble du corps du bébé ne serait pas cohérent dans le temps et dans l’espace et il ne pourrait pas communiquer avec sa mère.

Un bébé qui n’a pas vécu une grossesse suffisamment cohérente, n’a pas un ensemble de fonctions en réseau unique mais des fonctions en secteurs. La clinique proposée dans ce blog, propose une relation qui permet à l’enfant de construire un réseau unique. Ceci participe à la capacité d’être.

Comment penser l’ imitation dans une relation

Sans doute l’imitation n’existe pas chez l’humain. Pour deux raisons :

· Percevant toujours au moins sur deux modes (donc au moins à deux dimensions) cela crée un degré de liberté dans chaque acte perceptif.

· Chaque mouvement rythmé du mode perceptif actif s’exerce sans doute avec une dimension rythmée “normale” mais en crée une bien spécifique qui donne ensuite à chaque être sa personnalité.

Dans les deux cas, les degrés de liberté ont un lien avec l’affect. De toute façon, le résultat est une création unique, qui doit s’accorder aux mouvements de la langue. Cette création, ce renouvellement ne peut avoir lieu que dans l’entre-deux. Il faut donc une rencontre pour modifier ce mouvement intérieur. Un livre (également un film) qui par l’écriture offre un mouvement organisé par les mots, joue aussi de cet entre-deux nécessaire.

Langage de la mère et structuration du fœtus

La mère encore enceinte, inscrit le bébé de manière active dans la langue. Elle dira : « oh il a bougé ». Au moment où elle parle, cette parole vient participer au système qui structure le fœtus. La fonction (il faut toujours raisonner au niveau de la fonction et non de la représentation) de cette parole participe à une place active du bébé, il est reconnu par la mère comme sujet « il ». Ceci s’inscrit dans la fonction enveloppe proximale où le bébé a une place en tant que sujet. Ceci montre comment les fantasmes de la mère qui viennent structurer son langage, ont un impact dans la structuration de la fonction enveloppe proximale.

De la même façon, le thérapeute construit le plus intime de l’enfant dans la relation thérapeutique.

La fonction enveloppe proximale héritière de l’histoire parentale et transgénérationnelle

La fonction enveloppe proximale qui est structurée entre autre par la langue, nous parle malgré nous, soit sollicitée par notre propre vie intérieure soit sollicitée par l’autre. En disant cela, on mesure à quel point on est soumis à la manière dont la mère a vécu et parlé pendant sa grossesse et ensuite dans les interactions précoces. Le père aussi participe fondamentalement à cette base de la langue qu’est l’enveloppe proximale.

Evolution de la société et perception

Comme l’évolution du système perceptif au temps des hommes préhistoriques, aujourd’hui encore, nous continuons à évoluer vers un fonctionnement où le distal prend de plus en plus d’importance. Le nombre d’heures passées devant un écran confirme cette évolution. L’évolution s’éloignerait d’un fonctionnement connecté à notre centre (proximal) et irait vers des fonctionnements éclatés. Ces fonctionnements éclatés sont rassemblés dans des réseaux au niveau mondial. On va donc vers une évolution moins centrée sur l’humain et plus en réseau qui rassemblent des fonctions éclatées.

The first time I heard Nirvana was during two weeks just outside Bordeaux on a french exchange where they were constantly being played on the radio. I wasn’t even consciously listening and it was only when my exchangee’s sister asked me if I liked them that I realised I’d been wondering round humming Rape Me all day. Timing wise I now understand the reason they were all over the radio was because of Kurt’s death a few months prior and people kept ringing in to request them. It’s been a while since I’ve listened to them properly, the last time would have been around the release of With The Lights Out but a recent announcement from Sub Pop about a Bleach reissue had me looking around for preorders and I found that Nevermind, In Utero and Unplugged in NY are also being reissued at the end of this year.

So why have I just gone out and bought a copy of In Utero when I could have waited on what should have been a better version a few months later? Reading through various forums about the ORG reissues I heard about a German press of the album that was supposed to feature Steve Albini’s original mix of the album before it was tampered with on record label/band authority depending on whose story you choose to believe. So after looking up thrilling facts about the matrix numbers (A33 9124 536 S1/S2 320) it appears that the album was mis-pressed twice, once in 1993 and again in 2008 which may explain why the 60th vinyl anniversary ‘Back to Black’ version I picked up is listed as only being available in Germany.

Is it worth rushing out to buy? The only apparent differences to my ears are Heart Shaped Box which now has a cool effect over the solo and All Apologies which seems to feature both the cello and vocals lower in the mix but it’s well known that these were re-mixed by Scott Litt as stated in the liner notes, all the other songs sound the same to my memory although a full back to back listen against the cd would prove this. The cover seems to have been blown up from a low resolution copy and doesn’t look as good as it should, especially the back, plus the inlay notes still credit Gallons Of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through The Strip despite it not featuring on the vinyl, hopefully the new versions coming will be done with a bit more care. Other than that, it’s a nice black 180g version with a download coupon for mp3 versions and still widely available so quite cheap.

ვერაფრით ვერ მოვახერხე დაძინება და სულ შემთხვევით ჩავრთე კურტის უკანასკნელი სიმღერა Do Re Mi.

რაღაცნაირად იმოქმედა, რამდენი ხანია არ მომისმენია, არადა ძალიან ძალიან მიყვარს და სულ მეყვარება <3 თან ზოგჯერ ემოციებიც ერთნაირია, გგონია რომ ვიღაცა გამოხატავს ყველაფერ იმას რასაც შენ გრძნობ. იმედია როდესმე მერე ვრცლად დავწერ კობეინზე და მის მუსიკაზე,  ახლა უბრალოდ არ შემიძლია. : )

,,უიღბლო, უბედური, საცოდავი თევზი! აი რა ვარ მე.

მუსიკას რომ ვუკრავ, ვეღარ ვგრძნობ. ეს იგივეა წაიკითხო წიგნი, და ვერაფერი გაიგო, ღმერთო, გეფიცები, მე ვცდილობ, მაგრამ ვერ ვიდგენ გრძნობებს, ყველაფერი უშედეგოა…
ალბათ ერთ-ერთი იმ ნარცისისტთაგანი ვარ, ვინც ვერ შეიფერა ვერაფერი ლამაზი და მშვენიერი..

მაპატიეთ ადამიანებო, მე ვერ ვიბრუნებ იმ განცდას რაც მქონდა რამოდენიმე წლის წინ,  მე დავკარგე ენერგია.

თანაგრძნობა! ეს ხომ ერთადერთია რაც ერთმანეთისაგან გვრჩება (?!)

ამ ყველაფერმა, ჩემმა ცხოვრებამ, ტკივილებმა რომლებმაც ბოლო მომიღეს, მხოლოდ და მხოლოდ რეალობის დაღი დამასვა.

მე იმდენად მიყვარს და მერიდება ხალხის , რომ მთელი მსოფლიოს ცოდვებს საკუთარ თავზე ვიღებ!

მე ვიქნები შენს საკურთხეველთან…

სიყვარული, ტკივილი და თანაგრძნობა. ” – კურტ კობეინი 1994 წ. 5 აპრილი

გარაჟის ოთახი.. სასიკვდილო დოზაზე სამჯერ მეტი ჰეროინი სისხლში… რამოდენიმე საყვარელი ნივთი… ბავშვობის საყვარელი დათუნია, საუკეთესო სიმღერების ჩანაწერები და ნირვანას ალბომი – In UterO.
ერთმა ადამიანმა მითხრა ადრე ეს სიტყვები და მივხვდი რომ ზუსტი იყო, კურტის შეფასებისათვის….
HEAVIER THAN HEAVEN…
ადამიანი, ვინც ზეცაზე უფრო მძიმეა…

KURT COBAIN!

If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.

ფინალი ყოველთვის სიმბოლურია : )

მადლობა სანდრა

Para comemorar os 20 anos do lançamento do primeiro disco da lendária banda Nirvana, “Bleach”, a gravadora Sub Pop irá reeditar o álbum de 1989 em CD e também em vinil duplo.

A nova versão em vinil do único disco da banda sob a chancela da Sub Pop (os dois álbuns de estúdio  posteriores, “Nevermind” e “In Utero”, saíram pela Geffen Records) também será prensada em vinil branco, como o LP original. A única diferença é que a nova edição trará as músicas ““Big Cheese” e “Downer”, lançadas apenas no CD de 1989.

Nesta edição de luxo, o álbum será estendido, trazendo um disco ao vivo inédito, “Live at Pine Street Theatre”, gravado em um show em Oregon em 9 de novembro de 1990.

Tanto o show quanto o álbum foram remasterizados digitalmete com base nas fitas master originais.

Pra completar o pacote, o vinil e o CD trarão um encarte exclusivo contando a história do começo do Nirvana, com fotos inéditas.

Mas os fãs ainda vão ter que aguardar um pouquinho pra ter essa relíquia em mãos… parece que o lançamento só chega às lojas em 3 de novembro.

Written by: Vanessa Amaral
Follow me @ twitter

Notas:

Kee-a [ 10 ] Dr. Zappia [ 5,0 ]  Rogues [ x ]

Kee-a: Se existe um Álbum que represente a força do som de Seattle, então ele está aqui: seja bem vindo ao “In Utero”. Com o título original “I Hate Myself and Wanna Die” (que acabou sendo encarado como pesado demais, até mesmo para a Geffen) o 4º CD do Nirvana tinha a difícilima missão de tentar superar o clássico dos clássicos “Nevermind” (uma vez que “Incesticide” foi um trabalho abertamente B-side). E na simplória opinião deste que esta escreve, conseguiu.

In útero é forte. Suas letras são explosivas. Suas canções são berradas. Os gritos são furiosos. E paradoxalmente, é um álbum totalmente “belo”, na melhor acepção da palavra. Todas as faixas são momentos obrigatórios aos apreciadores do grunge. E sim, um grunge bem gravado, o que fez com que alguns xiitas reclamassem (à toa).

Clássicos como “Pennyroyal Tea”, “Heart Shapped Box”, All Apologies cujas melodias infectam nossa cabeça, a gritadíssima “Milk it”, a polêmica “Rape Me”, a bizarra “Gallons Of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through The Strip” (só existente nas versões internacionais do álbum, gravada com Kurt claramente bêbado e que, segundo alguns, foi toda gravada em improviso) mostram claramente que Kurt Cobain poderia nos presentear cada vez mais com músicas ainda mais pertubadoras e, apesar de harmonicamente simples, diferente de toda a mesmice que nossa geração MTV foi obrigada a engolir por tantos anos.

Dr. Zappia: Vou contar pra vocês uma breve história do desenvolvimento do ser humano: você nasce, ganha um disco da Xuxa, depois compra um disco dance estilo “Transamérica Super Hits”, depois se envergonha dele e compra um CD do Nirvana. Depois você cresce e…

De qualquer forma, com músicas inspiradas no barbeador de Kurt Kobain, In Utero é um dos melhores álbuns do Nirvana, no entanto, na minha humilde opinião, não tem o mesmo impacto de Nevermind. Algumas faixas que eu recomendo: Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle e Dumb.

Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I’ve trapped
Have all become my pets
And I’m living off of grass
And the drippings from my ceiling
It’s okay to eat fish
‘Cause they don’t have any feelings

Underneath the bridge – below the waist of a woman
The tarp has sprung a leak – broken condom
And the animals I’ve trapped – crazy fan girls
Have all become my pets – groupies
And I’m living off of grass – weed
And the drippings from my ceiling – alcohol
It’s okay to eat fish – pussy
‘Cause they don’t have any feelings.

Ta da!

Oh and here’s the song:

Home / Portland, OR It’s turning into Chuck Klosterman week here at PODF. I’m about two-thirds of the way through his recently published collection, Eating The Dinosaur. Let’s say reading Eating The Dinosaur is similar to a game of football between the Chuck Klostermans and the Boring Essays, with each piece functioning as a scoring drive. Before the game I would have predicted a blowout in favor of the Klostermans. Instead, after eight possessions the score is a little closer than anticipated. Here’s a scoring summary:

Something Instead of Nothing: Chuck Klostermans 8, Boring Essays 0 — I thought the game was over at this point, and for all intents and purposes it is – if at the end of the game I need to go back and revise this possession to make it the equivalent of four touchdowns in order for the Chuck Klostermans to win, I will. That will probably be unnecessary, but seven points for a touchdown isn’t enough for how good this essay is, so the Klostermans successfully completed a two-point conversion.

Oh, the Guilt: Chuck Klostermans 11, Boring Essays 0 — Draws a parallel between David Koresh (of Branch Davidians) and Kurt Cobain (of  Nirvana), focusing specifically on Cobain’s reaction to Nirvana’s post-Nevermind fame and their follow-up album, In Utero. Not sure about this, but not a bad effort. It’s possible that someone a few years older than PODF might have given the Chuck Klostermans a touchdown, but I was only 15 in 1993 and didn’t have the cultural awareness to really experience either of these events as they were happening. Field goal for effort.

Tomorrow Rarely Knows: Chuck Klostermans 18, Boring Essays 0 — Another touchdown; this one for an essay on the ethics of and proper motivations for time travel. Surprisingly good. It helped that I had recently watched the movie Primer, which Klosterman references as the most realistic of the time travel genre. The Chuck Klostermans look to be in complete control.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Ralph Sampson: Chuck Klostermans 18, Boring Essays 3 — This was a close call, because it’s about basketball and that’s usually a winner for PODF. Instead the Boring Essays get on the board with a field goal. WWTAWWTARS, besides being about Ralph Sampson, is about the reasons why some people relish the spectacle of failed potential greatness (consider your response to the Britney Spears train wreck). A basketball fan maybe a decade older than PODF might have given this one to the Chuck Klostermans, but I think it would have been unearned.

Through a Glass, Blindly: Chuck Klostermans 18, Boring Essays 6 — About voyeurism and why watching people who don’t know they’re being watched do boring things is really interesting. One of Klosterman’s M.O.s is to draw surprising and unlikely connections and conclusions. Often this is very effective. In this essay it is almost effective.

The Passion of the Garth: Chuck Klostermans 18, Boring Essays 14 — Touchdown and two-point conversion for the Boring Essays. This was the first time I questioned the virtue of Chuck Klosterman putting together a collection of unpublished essays, which is what Eating The Dinosaur is. If he had tried to publish this elsewhere – in Rolling Stone or Esquire, for example – his editor might have told him that no one cares about Garth Brooks’ failed Chris Gaines experiment. But that’s not the main problem with this essay, and certainly not a fatal one because he could have made me care. The problem is that the essay is in large measure about what motivated Garth Brooks to do the Chris Gaines thing, but Klosterman never talks to Garth Brooks about it. He just speculates, which seems lazy. In fact, he does something similar in the Ralph Sampson essay – talks all about him without ever taking the time to talk to him. I’m assuming at this point in his career that Chuck Klosterman could get interviews with these guys (Chuck – if you want to respond to this, give me a call). His failure to do so is all the more inexplicable when you consider that the Interview is a theme throughout the book (see below).

“The Best Response”: Chuck Klostermans 21; Boring Essays 14 — After each essay there are these little snippets of interview questions and answers. No context is given, and I can’t tell whether he’s plucked these from actual interviews or if he fashioned them entirely for this book. A few of them have been weirdly funny. For example:

Q: As a woman, did that offend you?

A: What do you mean? Why would it offend me more as a woman?

Q: I don’t know. It just seems like this issue has a rather obvious feminist component. Doesn’t being a woman change how you think about things?

A: Personally, I was more offended because of my Irish heritage.

Q: Really? How so?

A: End of interview.

That’s the whole thing. I don’t know why that cracks me up. Anyhow, “The Best Response,” is a series of imagined answers by famous people to a series of imagined interview questions. No one is identified by name, but you can usually tell who he has in mind. “The best response to being arrested for carrying an unlicensed handgun into a nightclub and accidentally shooting yourself in the leg, thereby jeopardizing your pro football career” is particularly good.

Football: Chuck Klostermans 28, Boring Essays 14 — Chuck Klosterman actively encourages readers to consider skipping to the next essay if they are uninterested in the topic. This would have been appropriate for the Garth Brooks’ thing, maybe the Ralph Sampson one, but “Football” is really good. Touchdown! Touchdown, Chuck Klostermans! I think I want to write more about “Football” in another post, so I’ll leave it at that.

There you have it: with eight essays down and five to go, the Chuck Klostermans lead the Boring Essays 28-14. I don’t know if I’ll do the football thing for the final five essays; I’m not sure the conceit held up for this many words, and using the word “boring” so much seems dangerous – a potential “Chuck Klosterman is rubber and PODF is glue” scenario (particularly since this whole post is basically a cheap Chuck Klosterman knock-off).