If you are a lover of juice, then you would probably have no qualms if you met somebody named the Juiceman. And who doesn’t love juice? There’s nothing more refreshing than one fresh from the loom—oh, that’s a t-shirt.

Enter Jay “The Juiceman” Kordich who claims his bladder cancer was cured by following a juice-intensive diet. Well, such things are not new to people who have chosen alternative routes to dealing with cancer. Whether they work or not is another question. But definitely, fresh juice from the fruit is healthy.

And Jay Kordich seems to have a killing personality where some people are concerned. His infomercial has gotten people calling in orders in droves, and Macy’s opened their own “Juice Centers” due to a demand created by Kordich, they say.

The juicer has gotten a sizeable number of fans, indeed. One woman was thrilled to meet Jay Kordich, who seems to be so persuasive that she was determined to get juicing on the spot. Even more, she described Kordich as “amazing”, “awesome”, and “intense”. The juicer, she said, worked well.

And yet, when you see his image in his Juiceman Juicer infomercial the white hair, et al seems a bit overwhelming. I mean, the eyebrows are huge. There is one thing good about this Juiceman juice machine though. When you look up people’s commentary on forums, you get exposed to all sorts of things, like text message writing.

Guess for example what srs means. Right! In text talk, srs means serious. I have learned however, that once you may discern the meaning of a text message on a forum, you have yet another challenge—discerning the sense or meaning or purpose of the sentence behind the puzzle. For example: “also, man juice is sumthin moar srs than wut u refrd 2”. Then you wonder, could srs mean sinister? I mean, talk Hebrew for heaven’s sake. At least they don’t use vowels but it worked for centuries.

Back to the Juiceman. The cancer remark, I can take. But this one took it way over the edge: “If you want to get real high, you need only to drink a glass of straight parsley juice. It’ll be the highest high you’ve ever had in your life, and the only side effect will be that it’ll put you in the restroom and you won’t come out for 7 days.”

I refuse to sit for the same length of time that it took for the world to be created.

It is widely understood that Miss Cleo is an infomercial psychic, with a fake Caribbean accent and a turban, who supposedly has been jailed for fraud. It was also discovered that she is not from the Caribbean, and is in fact 100% American. Nonetheless, Fox has hired her, and she is now an “expert” on the Lakers. Quite a jump from doing infomercials.

This leads me to believe that one woman was wrong when she said that Miss Cleo Yankees and Cubs in WS is ditzy. I mean, she has become successful in selling a service the truthfulness of which she need not prove—at no investment cost on her part except for infomercial airtime which pays for itself when people call in for their fortunes.

And she’s got fans. SoUtHcHiK thinks she’s fabulous and said, “I am like a white male version of  Miss  Cleo!” Even more, Miss Cleo has been compared to President Obama. Being compared to the President of the United States has got to be a compliment for anybody. With one paradigm shift, she feels complimented, he may feel dissed. But that article that compared Miss Cleo to the President came out twice, copy paste that. Miss Cleo has even been channeled with regards to a vintage mailbox. Even if it was a possibly-maybe-vintage mailbox. So she must be feeling some channeled love.

One woman analyzed Miss Cleo’s style of fortunetelling blow for blow proving logically how she scams, but does she really care if her clairvoyance is doubted? Remember, the sound of a phone is not far from that of a cash register. Ding ding.

“You’re gonna love my nuts” said Vince Offer, and the –what is it? – became memorable. So anyway, Vince is showing the—oh yeah—Slap Chop and how easily and quickly it—well—chops. Food. Vegetables. Nuts. But what the heck, anything for a memory, right? So when Vince says “You’re gonna love my nuts” he may have created the first of what may, for better or worse, evolve into the Plastic Gem Library of Infomercial Literature.

One man ponders, “Eww, I hope they switched them otherwise he just put hard boiled egg in with those salty nuts and Oreos.” Now I am old, I know the nuances of nuts versus metaphorical nuts; and loving the nuts and slap chopping the nuts; which Vince would regret were he to really do that to the metaphorical nuts. But for the life of me, what is the meaning of LULZ? And in fairness to Vince, that did not come from him. My glass bubble has no translation for ESISOTN. And that one’s just for me to know.

Back to nuts, there are some people out there who are interested in buying the Slap Chop but they plan to get it at Walmart.

Here are other options to “You’ll love my nuts”. Not from Vince but inspired by him, “Veggies on top of pizza? What a concept.” And from Vince, “Watch to the 52 second mark.”. And then, as to the question of why Vince of Slap Chop and Shamwow fame wears headsets, “It dispenses the meth so he stays excitable.” Finally, Vince’s penultimate promise once you have the Slap Chop, “You’re going to have an exciting life now.” One more time—“You’ll love my nuts”.

Well, Hi! I had to type this out at church because I really don’t see any benefit having a computer at home, much less an internet connection–I don’t even know if I can get that in my trailer in Texas–so i just gave the church my computer, so they know I did them a big favor even though it is 10 years old. They put it in the same room as my ab buster and thigh master. I bought those things when I happened upon some info-mercials with
Suzanne Somers

and thought they looked like a great idea, because I have that incessant 10 pounds to lose! But i just don’t have much room what with all my cats and art table and everything, and the machines cause my skin to break out in really rare hives because I’m allergic to everything ever made by man. I tell the pharmacist what compound to blend for me and he makes me a special tonic to apply, but it is just no use, i am constantly dealing with some allergic reaction.

It might be exascerbated by not ever getting sleep because my cats run me ragged meowing at all times of the night to be let in and out. they constantly bite and chew themselves on my bed and pillow and leave flea dirt behind, the poor babies, because they are infested with fleas, despite my best efforts to use the hardest core, carcinogenic, flea medicine on the market. Because I take in strays, they all are diseased,and usually ill-tempered. I keep telling my daughter that, “NO! Feline leukemia and AIDS cannot be transmitted to humans!! She is freakishly worried about her numerous children getting licked and bitten by my babies. She will barely let her kids touch them, and jerks her hand away when my favorite, Clancy, takes a hankerin’ to do more than just purr and lick. I tell her, “Just hold your hand still!! It does more harm if you jerk it away, than if you let him just bite down!!” J.C. she’ll never learn.

I really wish she’d get off this damn computer and call me, as a good daughter should.

We’re getting along better now because she is an adult and has been able to assume her own personality over the past 20 years, and evidently had to live 2000 miles away from me to do so. I don’t understand why, while growing up, she never wanted to do my constant bidding and run my errands and stuff. I miss her going 15 miles out of her way to get me a certain brand of milk at the local convenient store. Now i have to pick it up on my way to church. She can’t seem to understand that I just can’t leave my babies and go visit her in Montana. She never could really understand the special bond that I have with my cats–they’re like my grandkids, except more lovable. I think it irritates her that I feed them their yummy, yet pungent, wet canned cat food on the fine Desert Rose china which I place on the floor for the day (so they can eat whenever they need to). It gets a little crusty on the dishes and is hard to clean off, but I’ve found if I let is soak a while in the dish water, it comes off just fine by the time I wash the other dishes. It may be more that she’s afraid her babies will crawl over to it and try to eat it, but, goodness gracious, that is what discipline is for! She could be a bit stricter with her children if you ask me. I have to put a different dish out for each of my 5 lovelies because they all have different diseases, and different dietary requirements of course. There is quite the hierarchy between them, so I must run interference all day to make sure the bullier ones don’t eat all the food or pick on the weaker ones.

By this time, I’m quite the cat officianado–I could be an honorary veterinarian–except I have to take care of my cats night and day–and I’m always informing my friend, the vet, of odd cat signs and symptoms in an effort to aid in infinite cat diagnoses. Sometimes I call him at night or on weekends to see if he can heal a stray or find a home for a stray, and so he respects my judgment.

Well, it’s time for Murder She Wrote, and a whole evening line-up of shows, and hopefully info-mercials, so I will talk to you later! B——*bye gets interrupted by fussing at cats to stop fighting over who gets to go out the cat door first, and to take turns*

Setting:  The Barbie Mansion

One day, Edward is kickin it in the Barbie Mansion. 

He’s watching his favorite show:

LOST.  Best show EVER.  He settles in and watches a re-run.  He’s very confused. 

A commercial comes on.  Edward is instantly captivated.

“The Micro-Snuggie*!” he shouts.  “Please can I get one?  Please?  Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee?”

And because I’m a sucker for cute vampire dolls, I say yes.

Edward orders a Snuggie to match his scarf. 

Three weeks later, it arrives. 

Edward tries it on.

“Well, whaddya think?” Edward says, standing ever so proudly in his new Snuggie.

“Erm, very…manly,” I say. 

Edward goes back to watching LOST re-runs.  He feels like he’s in the Snuggie infomercial.  Too bad there’s no Barbie remote.

Durned if I’m not jealous of Edward’s Snuggie.

* This is not actually a Snuggie.  Please do not contact Snuggie asking for a Snuggie, else I shall be sued.

They are ugly, soft, unflattering, overpriced, and nearly pointless. Yes, I’m talking about Snuggies. In 2008, we first saw the coming of the Snuggie. This wearable blanket with sleeves captured the hearts and wallets of viewers all over America. But how?

It started with the infamous infomercial. What makes the entire situation even more bizarre is that it wasn’t intentionally funny! They were in earnest. We took their infomercial to a whole new level – we the American public churned out countless parodies, which could only be expected. Even comedic icons like Jay Leno, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jon Stewart joined in the fun.

But the joke doesn’t stop there. The Snuggie has practically become a CULT ICON. Amazing, I know. Imagine the possibilities… others have! Snuggie usage has expanded to more than at-home money savings. Check out some more ways you can stay warm and look lumpy:

Do you feel like going to the bar? Are you too lazy to put on a real outfit?  Go out in your Snuggie! Because if you’re going to get inebriated, you might as well stay warm and cozy. And post the resulting ridiculousness on … an entire website and group devoted to Snuggie Pub Crawls, of course!

Does your beloved pet get cold too? Instead of buying a tacky Christmas sweater that he probably will not enjoy wearing, simply stick a Snuggie for Dogs on him!

Or let’s say you’re at home watching television in your Snuggie and that amorous feeling comes over you and your similarly attired significant other. What better (or more convenient) way to get it on than through Snuggie Sutra? …I kid you not.

If you’re against the idea of following the mainstream but love the idea of Snuggies in general, there’s a few spinoffs on Snuggie popularity. Rebels against mainstream culture might buy spinoff items like the Toasty Wrap and the Kozy Wrap. “What?! It’s not a Snuggie, I swear…”

But nothing beats a Snuggie. I know I never want to reach for the remote and feel cold for even an instant. Who cares that they’ve received hundreds of consumer complaints AND a failed rating from the Better Business Bureau? (source: Wikipedia).

Either way, the fact glaringly remains: we LOVE our Snuggies!

…pero ¿no os sugiere un simil demasiado evidente? Shake Weight™

(es incluso mejor el video que contiene el enlace que os he puesto arriba)

Soy fan de los infomerciales. Por lo general me parecen obras maestras de la posmodernidad consumista. Pero a éste, por mucho que reconozco que el principio físico en que se basa funciona, su diseño, ejecución, presentación… todo, lo llevan a ser más carne de viral descontrolado que otra cosa.

Juzgad vosotros mismos y decidme (y no, no parece seguir una premeditada estrategia de difusión al estilo de la estupenda “Will it blend?”)

Eso sí, tal vez se venda como churros (no va con doble intención), y las risas inmediatas están garantizadas.

Vía los cachondos de HCwDB.

Actualización: Hay versión masculina… me ahorro comentarios.

Actualización 2 (14/Nov): La parodia que no podía tardar en llegar.

FOCUS: CALL CENTER  MANAGEMENT

By: Daniel Diamond, Vice President, East Coast Operations

If clients were asked to rate their call centers’ overall performace, the overwhelming response would be that their call centers could always be better.  While it may appear that the call center business is a thankless one, it can be very rewarding if managed correctly.  Like your media agency, your call center is a valuable ally in successfully executing your overall campaign.

The first hurdle to overcome in the call center chain is also the most obvious – how do you know which center is right for your campaign?  This can be answered simply by looking at where your competition is.  Call centers tend to be strong in certain categories and weak in others.  By being diligent, and doing your research, you can typically find the right center in a short period of time.  Also, remember that your call center is not a standalone entity, it must work well with your other partners – especially with your media and fulfillment agencies.  The best campaigns can falter if the communication between your service partners fails, so pay very close attention to a potential call center’s culture and ability to communicate consistently and effectively within your team environment. 

The next obstacle is your offer.  With the right offer, any campaign can be successful.  The true art lies in striking a perfect balance between revenue and performance.  Additionally, your offer should be refined again and again, in order to make the most out of every incoming call.

Scripting, like your offer, should be changed frequently.  Conversion percentages, for offer and upsells, should be reviewed on a regular basis to determine how they can be increased.  Sometimes, changes as simple as adding in verbiage about a Holiday offer will increase conversion substantially and therefore increase revenue.

Managing your call center is a very important, but laborious, task that should be handled by someone with working knowledge of the backend environment.  Too often, a client tries to take this task on, only to end up with lengthy call times and low conversion rates.  It is important for clients to remember that if the call center doesn’t perform, then the Agency doesn’t win either.   Mercury Media manages as much of the call center process as possible to maximize our client’s potential for success.

Daniel Diamond is Vice President of East Coast Operations for Mercury Media, where he is responsible for overseeing the agency’s backend operations including IT, media software and traffic projects, streamlining agency wide access to critical data and coordinating national opportunities to leverage company vendor speed and reduce costs.  Diamond joined Mercury Media’s team in 1991 and went on to become a key figure within the agency, holding various leadership positions including Traffic Manager, Telemarketing Manager, Media Software Manager and Senior Media Research Analyst. 

Contact him at ddiamond@mercurymedia.com

Okay folks I have a confession, I’m a sales person. That’s right, a social extrovert who if not careful will attempt to cram more words in than Jim Carey after a three hour red bull and skittles bender. Trust me, I know exactly when it’s happened. Right about the time my stomach gets that tight empty sensation,  the blood vessel in my temple nearly ruptures, and a crack of sheer terror flashes through my frontal lobe as I grasp the fact that I should have shut my yapper two minutes before. Admit it, you know the sensation.

We’re all prone to our moments of verbal regurgitation? Specifically in those sixty seconds right after someone utters our second favorite question, “what do you do?”. Oh the glee… the excitement… the overwhelming urge to give them every single reason why they should love our product! Do it quick before they get away!  We give them the full Baghdad shock in awe campaign with the hope that one of those wonderful little nuggets will be just the hot potato they’re looking for. Unforeseen to us they’ve reached auditory overload and our magnificent sales pitch sounds to them like Charley Brown’s teacher in the Peanuts Christmas special. So what’s the answer, what do we do? The key is to have a distinct and specific twenty  to thirty second infomercial.

It may appear daunting, but you need to be able to deliver who you are, what you do, and a catching bullet point in thirty seconds or less. Once the  person has responded it’s okay to go into detail but your opening intro should always be short and sweet. Think “rifle” not “shotgun”. There are a few things that should be key in every infomercial.

1. A unique way in which you help your clients that sets you apart

2. Your name

3. Your company

4. A specific description of one thing that you do.

5. Who you sell to.

6. An open ended question.

Thirty seconds max. Let me give you an example.

Doctor: (rushing of course) I only have a minute, what exactly do you do?

Rep: I work with general practitioners to prevent heart attacks. Ward Sieben with Biomedix. We diagnose Peripheral Arterial Disease. Have you had any patients with circulatory issues in their legs or feet?”

You want to give the prospect a limited number of specific bullet points to focus on. In this case I’m trying to focus the physician on heart attack prevention, peripheral arterial disease, and who is the patient in their practice that they need it for. Think of the person as a database. If you type thirty different search words into a database you’re going too much information to wade through, but if you give specific, distinct parameters you’ll get exactly what you’re looking for. The same is true with people. In this case patients with circulatory issues in their legs or feet. I’ll bet the bank they’ve run across an overweight diabetic with foot pain issues in the last couple of weeks that they suspect might have a partial occlusion.  Last of all, practice, practice, practice. You may have two or three versions for different situations but they all  need to flow as freely those excuses to your mother as to why you can’t make every Sunday evening dinner this month.

In the meantime, happy hunting out in the field and remember…   it’s a good life!

Here we have a commercial for some product called the Garden Groom Pro Safety HedgeTrimmer.

One of the reasons I started this blogsite is to increase access to advocacy materials and information for teachers and colleagues in the field of advocacy. Filipinos are very talented and adept in many issues and we do quickly respond creatively as songs and theater have always been part of the rich Filipino culture.

Climate Change is a topic that I honestly feel too complicated to explain. Ten years ago, the whole discourse was simpler. But with global negotiations and scientific studies emerge, the whole discourse has been an endless exercise of tongue-twsting acronyms and computations of emissions and degrees-fahrenheight (that too, was difficult).

So it makes me happy when I see videos that makes the whole discourse chewable to students and busy individuals who would still want to leasrn about it.

This short video is from Oxfam:

This one’s from World Bank Philippines:

Now, if you need something musical, here’s one for you:

I’ve also blogged about an MTV starring Noel Cabangon and which was produced by Greenpeace.

I was going to rant a bit and ask why both “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” featured Al Gore shilling his new book while promoting the same old “humans are making the earth hot and the oceans are going to rise and drown us all” nonsense.  (Did he not get the memo about saying “climate change” instead of “global warming”?)

What the hell?

Then I remembered.  Both of these shows are on Comedy Central.

THE SNUGGIE INFOMERCIAL  MAY GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS A CULT CLASSIC,BUT THE PRODUCT ITSELF IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER

The snuggie is blue and synthetic. That doesn’t make any of my five sometimes six senses , sense anything near snuggle worthy. This low-budget infomercial with an idea that left you scratching your head going , is this for real, is genius. The product sells like hotcakes- the price is right , the product works, and the demand is off the charts. This backwards robe sells and it sells well.

Personally , I think it opens a very dark topic of the backwards attitudes of americans and their  behavioral responses to a nationwide economic meltdown. But I guess you could say that the snuggie did its service to society by boosting the economy when it was at its worst and as a bonus kept a factory in china busy while its former work was at a standstill because of mistakes that should have taught consumer america a lesson. Instead, america sat at home depressed and watching even more depressing infomercials about a big blue blanket that would cradle us all through the crisis. Thanks snuggie you’re a real friend.

Watch it now >> Click Here

BIGOTRY:

A bigot is a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices. The correct use of the term requires the elements of obstinacy, irrationality, and animosity toward those of differing devotion. (from Wikipedia, so its’ truth is purely subjective)

So there you have it. My admission, and the definition of the word (bigot). Why am I confessing this? I guess it’s because I am mainly in a funk; disgusted with life, despite the many blessings(?) I have. I’m not so much disgusted as I am generally pissed off. I only imagine if the average person searches his or her own feelings, they would be equally pissed off as well. I’m not talking about the big things such as: divorce, death, homelessness–shit like that. (side note: stand by for my views on divorce in a future post) I’m talking about the everyday, average crap we all are faced with and have to go through that really chaps my ass. The only way to illustrate this, is to give a RANDOM top 10 of things that make me want to turn into a spree killer.

1. The misuse of the word “YOUR” and/or “YOU’RE”

I mean, SERIOUSLY!!! You LAZY fucking morons…is it just too difficult to add TWO extra characters?! (characters are letters or symbols, for you morons that don’t know the meaning of the word.) I would even accept the word WITHOUT the apostrophe (‘); just use the word properly! (This also applies to the words: “to” and “too.”) I FUCKING HATE BAD GRAMMAR!!

2. Webspeak. (I’m not even sure if that is an actual word, but I am using it regardless.)

I must admit, I use it OCCASIONALLY(VERY RARELY); but more often than not, I tend to follow the rules of proper English. Even when I text, I use correct grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. What is so wrong about that? Webspeak is DESTROYING the English language, and I refuse to be a part of it.

3. Twitter

I hate Twitter, but I hate the people that LOVE Twitter more than the website itself.

4. Twilight

Even though I have never read the series, the movie trailers do nothing but insure the reinforcement of two facts: the literature CAN NOT be better than the movie (as it usually is in the case of book adaptations); and the movie seems so bad, it imparts thoughts of me violently killing anyone and everyone involved in the production, promotion, and positive reviewing of these movies. Oh yeah…and Twilight fans must die also.

5. Wii

Video games (and their respective systems) are INTENDED to promote a sedentary, vegetative lifestyle! The Wii involves FAR TOO MUCH activity to be considered a video game system.

6. Extra, The Insider, Inside Edition(sometimes)

Bad, bad, BAD journalism(sic). Awful “entertainment reporting”(sic). Have you seen these shows? What a waste of production money and effort. I think what pisses me off the most it they TELL you to get the rest of the story, or get the complete story at their websites. EVERYBODY DOESN’T HAVE THE INTERNET!!! NO, NO–what really pisses me off more than that is giving half the story, and then giving the other half later, closer to the end of the program; or giving a list of things, then saving the final entry until AFTER the commercials. JUST FINISH THE DAMN LIST!!! (By the way, I haven’t watched these shows in years because of the anger they elicit.)

7. Uploaded videos and tags (for video searches)

What do Youtube and internet porn have in common? There are too many videos on both subjects. Youtube is inundated with some of the most worthless submissions one can find on the internet masquerading as humor uploaded by marginally-intelligent human(sic) beings. There should be a way for the public to just click a link that votes for deletion of a questionable video. Yes, the internet is “free” and open to everyone; but this doesn’t mean everyone should. Why is there no way to eradicate the bad videos from the collective? And this brings me to the subject of tags. Here’s the skinny: MAKE SURE THE TAGS ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE VIDEO!! Don’t just tag it with common search words in an effort to get traffic to your shitty uploaded crap! Now…what does all of this have to do with porn? How about this: THERE SHOULD BE NO SUCH THING AS AN INTERNET PORN VIDEO SHORTER THAN 8 MINUTES. Seriously…what is the point of a video clip that is 12 seconds long?!

8. Commercial Radio

Simply that–TOO many commercials…’nuff said. Oh yeah…let’s not forget the bad music played AD NAUSEUM.

9. IHOP

The bastard cousin of Denny’s. (Denny’s RULES!!!)

10. Dogs

I don’t have to explain myself…I fucking HATE dogs!!!

Ok. A random smattering of things that raise my blood pressure. But what do they have to do with bigotry? As per the definition of bigotry, my views on those ten things qualify of being placed in a category of me being bigoted toward them. So why write about them? Why the confession? Well…I said that I am in a funk right now. It’s just a few small things that have me in this mood. Unfortunately, it’s not a simple matter of just shaking it or shrugging it off. I often wonder about what kind of people (besides myself) read blogs such as mine. Wouldn’t you rather read something a little more upbeat; doesn’t a blog tackling subjects in a more cheerful tone interest you? Not me. Fuck no.

Think about it. How do we connect with other people on a social level? Through the sharing of ideas, ideals, and experiences. (There’s more to it than that; I just mentioned a few things.) Granted, I could write about rainbows and unicorns, but even I don’t want to read a blog that happy. If I’m feeling low, I wanna make sure I’m not the only one on the planet feeling that way. That’s the root of social circles and social networking; you want to feel a part of something or a group. As solitary an act surfing the internet is, there is some sense of connection when you find a site, page, group–anything that you can find a common interest. And even though it seems that originality has run dry these days, one likes to think that he or she can come up with at least one original thought in his or her lifetime.

So if I can bitch and moan about things that piss me off, I’d like to think that there are others out there in the world that will stumble on my bullshit blog and read these words and feel some sense of connection; some sense of understanding. I can only hope that somebody will think “man, I wish I’d have said that!” It seems a little trite to promote your own blog; sort of like selling tickets to get others to watch you masturbate. Nevertheless, how does one get from having no traffic, to tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of people to read your innermost thoughts? If I knew that, well…I sure as shit would keep that information to myself too.

Since it seems I have strayed from bigotry into different waters, I’ll steer back. I hate. I HATE. I hate using that word.   It is so misleading and absolute.  And above all else…it is incorrect.  Yet–I hate.  I hate the fact that cable tv is so damn expensive, it is considered a luxury or an extravagance.  I hate that people–celebrities are more concerned with animal welfare than people welfare.  I hate that…you know what?…let me get this off my chest right now…

I FUCKING HATE INFOMERCIALS!!! (I hate this topic so much, it HAS to be in capital letters.) WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH “PAID PROGRAMMING” ON TV?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!   THE FUCKING TV STATIONS ARE OWNED BY LARGE, MAJOR CORPORATIONS.  WE ALL KNOW THIS; SO IF THEY OWN THESE LOCAL STATIONS, HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY JUSTIFY FARMING OUT HOURS OF POTENTIAL DECENT PROGRAMMING TO INFOMERCIALS?!?!  WHY IN THE WORLD IS THERE “PAID PROGRAMMING” AT 2 IN THE AFTERNOON ON A SATURDAY?!  HELL…ON ANY GIVEN DAY?!?!   TWO THINGS: 1) THE STATION IS NOT GOING TO GO BROKE IF THIS CRAP IS REMOVED FROM THE AIRWAVES; 2) IF YOU ARE THAT DRUNK AT 2 IN THE AFTERNOON TO THE POINT WHERE YOU DIAL THE NUMBERS AND BUY THIS CRAP, YOU NEED TO BE EXECUTED FOR IGNORANCE.  THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR INFOMERCIALS AT ANY TIME OF THE DAY! HOME SHOPPING HAS IT’S OWN CHANNEL AND NETWORK; PUT ALL THESE INFOMERCIALS ON A SINGLE CHANNEL, AND PIPE IT OUT TO THE DRUNKS, AND GIVE THE REST OF US SOME RERUNS OF SANFORD AND SON OR THE HONEYMOONERS!! (TV executives in charge of programming are fucking idiots.) Now…back to bigotry.

My blog (this one) is nothing special–trust me.  Am I looking for world-wide recognition on a scale that rivals “shitmydadsays“ (on twitter)?  I’m not sure.  Of course, it would be nice to know that many people are not just reading, but anxiously awaiting the next entry.   Secretly (now publicly), I hope I do get that large.   It would be a good thing; I got a lot to bitch about.

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. At FusionSouth, we write about this subject often – there are no quick fixes in the fitness industry. There are no shortcuts when it comes to properly losing weight – and keeping it off – and because of this, it is imperative you do not fall prey to the plethora of fitness gimmicks on television and the Internet. In this post, we introduce you to Part 1 of the Fitness Hall of Shame. How many of these gimmicks have you, your family or friends fallen for? Stay tuned for more parts, coming soon to the Official FusionSouth Blog!

Avoid these dangerous, ineffective and useless machines, programs, and devices – the only way to succeed in losing fat and building lean muscle is through hard work. Hard work can be overwhelming and intimidating, but it is the only option available for you if you wish to lose weight and truly live a healthier lifestyle.
________________________________________________________________

HydroxyCut | Absolutely Dangerous

Let’s start with the most dangerous one. There are countless things to say about HydroxyCut, and the claims that it makes as far as weight loss is concerned. All you really need to know (if you didn’t already) is this: on May 1, 2009, HydroxyCut was recalled by the Food And Drug Administration because it caused, among other things, liver damage, cardiovascular trauma and death.

Stay away from all weight loss pills – HydroxyCut, Hoodia, anything containing ephedra, and most other dietary supplements. If you must take one, please, please, please consult your trainer, nutritionist, and physician before beginning – most of them are dangerous, useless, and ultimately ineffective, anyways.

Electric Abdominal Belts |  The Laziest ‘Exercise’ You Can Do

This is one of the most ridiculous devices we have seen. Supposedly, wrapping a belt around your waist which sends electrical shocks to your core muscles will magically give you a six-pack and toned hips. The companies which promoted these products made claims including: 10 minutes with this device is the same as doing 600 sit-ups, and This device is 30 percent more effective than traditional exercise – both of which are ridiculous in and of themselves. First of all, electric stimulation (which many athletes use to help rehabilitate injuries) send such tiny charges to your muscles that it does not effectively build them at all.

But, the best litmus test for any fitness gimmick (which this one fails miserably) is the following: Can you simultaneously eat a pint of ice cream while “exercising” with the device? Yes? Then maybe, just maybe, this is a gimmick…It is also noteworthy and bizarre that some of these companies claim to be “FDA Approved,” even though their product is neither a food nor a drug.

Sauna Belts | Sweating Your Way To Stupidity

Instead of actually moving or contracting muscles to burn fat, the Sauna Belt claims to melt it right off like a form of some kind of thermal liposuction. What really irks us about the Sauna Belt, and sends it solidly into the Hall of Shame, is its complete and utter worthlessness. There are plenty of other fitness gimmicks that at least involve some sort of muscle contraction. The sauna belt offers a heated rubber belt which makes your stomach sweat – seriously, that’s all it does. Sweating is a good way to lose calories, but only if you are actually exerting effort when you sweat. The Sauna Belt simply sweats away excess water weight, and sheds no excess fat stores.

Based on our previous litmus test, above, the Sauna Belt also fails – simultaneously eating ice cream while “melting away fat” is not the way to true weight loss. Please don’t fall for this one!

________________________________________________________________

Friends, there are no shortcuts in the weight loss game. There are no gimmicks that will keep the weight off and help you learn the proper nutritional and fitness habits. You must take the time to teach your body how to eat, move, function, and live properly. Weight loss does not come in a pill, or a device you can strap around your waist. Do things the right way, and your body will thank you for years down the road. Be well!

Tribute to the Infomercial Master.

The Original All In One Cosmetic Makeup On Tv Since 1999 – Beware of Counterfeits

It All Began in London Ontario Canada in 1999

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In 1999 a single shade, multi-functioning product was created that has changed the way we think about cosmetics – Hundreds of thousands are sold – worldwide. That product is Go-Natural ® The All-in-One Cosmetic ®. All Rights Reserved. Go-Natural Inc.

n 1999 Go Natural ® was created and founded by Licensed Cosmetologist / Beauty Professional and Professional Model of Universal Mannequin, Michele Kish, who began her career and has been passionately involved in the professional beauty industry since 1978  Michele has true passion and strived to bring affordability and simplicity to beauty to allow “ALL” women to have an equal opportunity to look and feel their best by enhancing their natural beauty – easily, as well as address the growing need for the busy women to have an alternative to the mainstream complicated application of multiple cosmetics. Michele has helped many, first by working one on one in many annual Canadian and then USA Trade Shows and Special Events, for several years and moved to helping hundreds of thousands of women worldwide, from all walks of life, all ages, all skin tones, regain their confidence and overcome the overwhelming confusion of multiple cosmetics and multiple colors with this 1 single product.

Go Natural ® and The ALL-IN-ONE Cosmetic ® began in 1999 in London Ontario Canada, our Corporate Headquarters which continues to offer direct distribution and service to our Canadian

customers and our USA fulfillment center.

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Go Natural was launched in Canada on TSC, The Shopping Channel in Toronto Ontario Canada were it exceeded producers expectations, and filled the phone lines. We entered the United States in 2001 – mainly the South East – and since expanded to the West Coast where we established our US Corporation for professional US and International Distribution Center in Las Vegas NV in 2005. A North American Cosmetic firm.

Our products are made with the strictest of professional standards and of the highest quality ingredients available – manufactures well within FDA and Good Manufacturing Practices (GMP), CFTC Quality Assurance Guidelines, in compliance with global requirements, custom and multilingual packaging options, animal cruelty free, proudly made in America and distributed by licensed beauty professionals retailers and distributors worldwide since 1999. We both wholesale and retail our products as well as exhibit in over 80 to 120 Professional Beauty Industry and Consumer Trade Shows annually in North America – including New York, Las Vegas, Orlando, Chicago, New Orleans, Memphis, Nashville, Toronto, London, Ottawa, Montreal and much more.

With now well over 600 retail, large channel and independent distributors – worldwide and hundreds of thousands of satisfied Go-Natural ® customers – we are here to serve you.

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We have recently expanded our line of products to our amazing All in One Lotion – MyRejuvederm’s Miracle in a Bottle and other innovative sensible multi-functioning, and problem solving products.

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~ by gonatural on October 23, 2009.

Posted in From Go Natural Inc.

I’m not sure what’s going on here, all I know is that it’s completely and utterly brilliant and I wish I had made it. I found this via Lee Rogerson.

Flipping through channels, scoping out infomercials and who do I see? ExtenZe. They claim to have sold this product to 1 out of approximately 6 billion people (I seriously doubt it) on the planet. If this product does what they claim then prove it like “Jenny Craig” show the public the “before” and “after” shots of somebody’s johnson which won’t happen for at least two reasons: indecency, and it doesn’t work. If a billion people did purchase the stuff then they should “wake up and smell the sewer” and get their money back.   

I have a theory about infomercials. When they are so ridiculous that you feel they must know they are ridiculous or if not, they are even more so, then the commentary on just how ridiculous they are tends to be laid back and at times gets even literary. Well, Facebook literary.

Take, for example, the Santo Gold infomercial that went around for the Santo Gold. One person said his primary regret in life is to never have seen his infomercial. Laid back, right? Said another, Santo Gold is comparable to the National Taxpayers Union brief against porkbarrel spending. But this next phrase I do love-freakin strange and absurdly beautiful.

Yet I am not drawn to watch this infomercial or purchase this wrestling video of an alien with a human wrestler nor buy his 24 karat five year guarantee gold. Why? If it is good enough as bribes by illegal immigrants to Canada border guards (who, it is said, also like walkmans) then why not me? Or them, for that matter, meaning everybody else except the Canada border guards.

I mean it already comes with a Blood Circus Scream Bag are we swine? Lost film for 23 years, and waiting for a producer to buy them? Hollywood? Bollywood? Anybody wood?

Wouldn’t anyone want to go to his website because he has generated such a comparatively serious tone in the art of infomercial ridicule and its fine practitioners. Imagine the genius of wedding fine Santo Gold with spacemen and wrestlers and the original Santo Gold Song music with original lyrics. As one person articulated, “What? Huh?”

Santo Gold is Bizarre and awesome. But then, one man’s garbage is another man’s Santo Gold.