Girl, 2, with hand injury has legs amputated
Nov 29, 2009 8:19 PM | By Sapa

“Those found to be guilty of negligence…disciplinary action will taken against them which may lead to dismissal”, said Mahlangu.

The rest of this drivel here.

I’m sorry, what? a) How does a surgeon amputate two legs? One is not enough, they have to go for two??

b) Dismissal? WTF? Criminal negligence? Jail time? Compensation? The spokesman saw fit not to mention this?

but wait, there’s more…

Kometsi, a dressmaker, believes the intravenous drips that staff at Far East Rand Hospital inserted into her daughter’s feet caused the gangrene that turned them into blackened stumps.

“There was nothing wrong with her besides her burns. I won’t agree with them until they tell me my child was injured by their drips.”

this is horrifying

———

Die Form – Little Boy

Please tell me this doesn’t scare the freaking shit out of you. David Lynch just got thrown into a psychotic BDSM universe where people laugh like maniacs and devour your body parts while playing yoga synthesizers. Fuck.

Will you be ready little boy?

Get ready for exposure, because this post will be massive. French Die Form formed in the late 70’s as a duo, playing cold, dark and dekadent electro-industrial music, sometimes called “darkwave”. Simply mesmerizing. The name of the project plays on the german “die Form” (the form), the english deform, and the french “difforme” (without form). Especially their early stuff sounds so insane and good, so I will keep it at that. Two more tracks from 1987 album Poupée Mécanique (of which the theme seems to be murder):

Die Form – Metaphase

Die Form – Bypass

So how does Die Form usually sound like? The music constantly surprises. They throw all kinds of sounds into the jam: the usual industrial fascination with metal and tools, or even a groovy slap-bass (dwarfing contemporary french electro acts like Justice), or the weird intermezzo of a girl laughing with insanity, or instrumental re-runs of previous tracks (like the main leitmotif of a musical coming back to haunt you). Ever wondered how the soundtrack to a BDSM sex scene would sound like? I guess something like this:

Die Form – Strange[r]

How about Kraftwerk with a hip hop beat:

Die Form – Re-search

The project seems like a labyrinth of strangeness and obscurity when first entering, and you listen through their huge discography with a feeling that every song or album contain so many hidden things, that you cannot (better not?) understand it all. For example, a reviewer said this about their album ExHuman: “Die Form send back out hybrid corpse mechanism era respiration-byte with the abolition world code-maniacs brain universe of a drug fetus”. What the fuck does he mean??? Even their fans seems to have some secret society where everybody speaks in impenetrable code.

Adding to the complexity of this project, they decided to record a whole album of …Bach. Yes, Johann Sebastian Bach, the 18th century German baroque composer. And of course in a cold, industrialized and synthetic interpretation of Bach’s classic works. Like this one.

Die Form – BWV 244-39

Die Form practice “multimedia intervention” by the way, combining sounds with performances, clubbing atmosphere, photography, visual art and cinema/video. I guess you by now realize the erotic theme going through the music. So here’s Die Form when they perform.

———

Die Form myspace

Gallery of Die Form visual art

I am currently on yet another Skype call with Michelle and Zach. It feels like summer and I’m pretty sure Zach just said, “And I sung my heart out for you,” to Michelle. And Zach and I are the married couple? Pshhh. It is silent. I am pretty sure I should say something.
“Your typing is so scary.” Zach says.
“Heyyyyy,” I said.
And then the conversation changed to the underground railroad.

I think I am going to use this second (or third, really, because I still have that secret blog… and no, you can’t have the link ) blog more often. To post little quippy updates that I don’t have to worry about sounding like masterpieces or spend a lot of time perfecting. I think that it’ll be fun.

We are talking about colleges right now, and I find that I love having this intelligent conversation with these smart people. I need to have more conversations like these. I also need to ignore the clock as it’s 3:03am and tomorrow I’m getting up early (well, kind of early, like 10 am, because I have to shower and go shop for paint with my mom) but this is really fun.

Zach keeps insulting my typing. He says that he thinks I am pounding on the keyboard. I want to tell him that I’m going to give him a pound on the head. Aren’t I sweet?

I am going to start typing again and see if Zach makes a comment. So far, so good. In other news, I find it amazing that I wrote an entire novel in the month of November. I mean, it’s not done yet, but it’s pretty close and I feel really proud.

I am exhausted. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I have a feeling that it’ll be good. G’night, third blog.

I will be quitting the Insanity program. Considering the physical demands of my current job and my weightlifting routine, I’m losing too much weight. It would be a completely different scenario if I were able to rest a full 8 hours a night AND take in 4,000 to 4,500 calories in a day, but it’s not. In short, the program was a complete success, however, I don’t like stepping on a scale and seeing I’m only 174.5lbs. I started this program at 206 but only wanted to move down to a trimmer 197-199 mark. I am getting leaner, but I’m beginning to lose strength when it comes time during the week to lift heavy. Maybe I’ll revisit this program when/if I change jobs. I also hate the fact that I’m getting tossed around the basketball court since losing all of this weight. Something that should also be worth mentioning is my body fat measurement prior to Insanity, it was a 8.1%. I have no clue where it is now, but my guess is somewhere near 6% if not a little lower now. My stamina has improved dramatically, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it if I’m content with how I physically feel or look at the moment.

Besides having no patience for irritables caused by my family due to 20 years of being around them nonstop, we must remember that i am not, by nature, someone who gets easily upset to the point of insanity. If i appear this way, i sincerely apologize because it is accidental.

Sure, when small things happen throughout the day like missing the bus, someone is rude to me, or getting a bad grade i might get upset. But i’m not flipping out over it and planning revenge in my mind for the whole day.

But the stuff my family does really makes me crazy. And no, most of it is not the stupid stuff you find emo-teenagers whining about (especially the girls, oh lordy lordy i am so sick of teenage girl angst!!). I’m not mad because “GAWSH my family is so weird *sob* bla bla bla” or “nobody understands me, oh woe is me, *sob* bla bla bla”

NO. i want to make sure it is clear that we all understand this is NOT what i’m thinking about. Nope, this is stuff that is driving me nuts because of the personality each of my family member has. Some can, at times, be rude, selfish, of hurtful. And I really cannot believe that someone who is a part of your family (which, in my opinion, should be on good terms with each other since we are pretty much stuck with one another for the rest of our lives) can act this way.  And when one (such as myself) tries to bring it up so that we could remedy the problem, they insist on denying they are this way at all. Geez.

For example. My father really seems to enjoy being sarcastic and mean to people when he feels like it.

 He enjoys teasing my grandmother (his own mother!!) when she can’t see her way around, and gives her a hard time for having problems getting into the car. AND, also whenever she has problems with electronics he insists on losing his temper and yelling at her. Not to mention all the times he complains about her behind her back when my brother and I are both present in the room. I find it to be absolutely unforgivable to be so rude to your own mother.

My grandmother probably (well no, she DID) yell at my father a lot throughout his life, so i can understand if they don’t get along very well.

 However, when the woman is very near (8 months to be exact) being 90, is practically deaf and blind, and cannot feel things anymore, i think there should exist some shred of human compassion for the poor woman. It always shocks me too see my father mock my grandmother when she can’t get into the car, or when he yells at her to find the seatbelt even though she can’t feel it, and in restaurants he will blatantly tease her in front of the waitress and everyone else. It’s embarrassing and renders me speechless. I honestly cannot believe he would act this way, i find it to be absolutely deplorable and repulsive. What’s worse is that my grandmother is clueless to his behavior. Either that or she is ignoring it. My mother never wants to say anything if my brother or I bring the topic up with her. She generally defends my father by saying my grandmother was mean to him his whole life. But still, I find this no reason to treat an 89 year old practically blind/deaf woman this way.

——–

Besides that, my father also loves to push my buttons, as well as my mother and brother’s. I know he is doing it on purpose. Whenever he is in a bad mood, he will remind me and my brother that our room (in his case now, his apartment) is messy and disorganized, that we spend too much time on the computer, or we need to clean some other part of the house, or that we never get our acts together, or some other bizarre thing. With my mother, he will be sarcastic a lot, hold a grudge, etc. And the absolute worst is that when you ask him “Why are you being like this?” he’ll answer in a very innocent tone “acting like what? i’m not doing anything…” ugh. I don’t understand how a grown man thinks he’s fooling anyone with that repsonse.

My brother and I hardly ever go to him for advice or sympathy. Why, you ask? Well, he clearly dislikes hearing us talk about our problems because he clearly finds that it is always whining, although I can safely say it is not. My brother would go to him when he has money woes and he’s scared about his future.

My father usually answers by saying “well all you do is buy cd’s and cigarettes. Go get a second job if it bothers you that much.”

If my brother talks about how he is lonely because he has not friends or a girlfriend, my father replies “well go out and do something! Stop going to our house every day. You need a life.” so my brother obviously feels worse about himself. Is it any wonder he has severe depression?

And the pièce to resistance, me and my father. Hmm. If I had a problem when I was dating Mr. Toasty (see earlier posts) but i told him i loved him and didn’t know what to do, he would answer “Well you got yourself into this mess. maybe he doesn’t love you i don’t know” gee thanks dad.

 And when I was nervous about going to Paris, and I needed comforting because this is my first big trip away from my family (about damn time too, clearly) he would get frustrated with me and say “well if you’re so scared then don’t go! stop complaining!” gee thanks dad.

And today, i wasn’t even looking for help. I was just talking. But even that seems to be enough to get him annoyed. I told him about how my TS2 was crashing on the PC, and i was just telling him about what i had been trying to do to fix it. He answers “i don’t know, just go do something else stop messing with the computer you’ll break it“…ummm are you serious? it was HIS fault the computer now has double-folders for everything since he screwed up our backup files. And it was just a conversation. Why must he make everything so negative???! Gee thanks dad.

Most of the things my father gives me and my brother as a “gift” is really all about him. My brother got a laptop yesterday for his birthday. How nice of my dad, right? Hmm. Well, both my brother and I KNOW that the only reason he got it was to get my brother off our computer. He absolutely hates my brother being on the computer.

 My dad stands like a vulture at night behind my brother in the office room to get him uncomfortable and get off. Then my dad will ask in an annoyed tone “Are you leaving yet?” as in to go home. Aww, my father cares that my brother needs to get home before it gets late. HA! wrong. My dad wants my brother to leave so that HE can lock the door and go to bed. For cryin out loud. I could do the lock-up at night if he asked me to. My dad hates when my brother comes over. He doesn’t want him on his computer, eating his food, watching his tv, etc.

Enough about him. Personally, my gut feeling tells me that he isn’t behaving like a grown man AND a father should. But maybe it’s just me? I can’t tell anymore.

———————————————————-

Favoritism. My mom’s to blame for this. It’s very real yet i would never dare bring it up with her, because she will start yelling at me thinking i’m making it up.

Ever since my brother went to college (IN 2000!), i have noticed my mother has become more sympathetic with him. Alright, I can see why. He’s on his own, he has money problems, etc. But there’s a point where it kind of hurts me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like i think she shouldn’t care about the well-being of her son (clearly my father thinks otherwise), i find it to be a no-brainer that she should care about him. But just little things began happening, and now it really just makes me sad.

My mom LOVES listening to my brother most of the time now. My mom has ADD, so she usually has a hard time focusing. But nowadays when my brother talks, she gives him her full attention. She laughs at his jokes, you can see in her face how much she lights up when she sees him enjoying the conversation. When it’s just them and my brother is talking to her about his problems (obviously not with my father anymore), she will give him her undivided attention and actually give him advice.

Of course there are times when my brother bugs her. I’m not going to act like she never gets annoyed with him. But lately she seems to get way more annoyed with me than with him.

How so? Well, let’s see here:

When i’m talking, and when the rest of the family is there, about 8 times out of 10 she will interrupt me. Yes, i know it’s ADD, that’s not what bugs me. What BUGS ME is that those 8/10 times she wasn’t actually listening to me (is it because i am boring? is she tired of me talking? i wish i knew so i could stop whatever it is i’m doing), so when she interrupts she didn’t mean to of course, but it shows that she wasn’t giving me her undivided attention like when my brother speaks, because maybe she just doesn’t find that i have anything worth listening to anymore????????

When it’s just me and her, she’s ALWAYSSSSSSSSSSSS reading a magazine, on her laptop, looking through the paper, watching tv. Yes, i know there are times when i come in to talk with her and she was already doing that, and that’s my fault. BUT, more often than not, once i start talking, she’ll just pick up a magazine and start reading it. Or a newspaper, or go on her laptop, or whatever. So there i am, talking and she just nods and makes “uh huh” “hmm” noises. Luckily i caught on to this pattern at a young age. So i began to stop talking suddenly in mid-sentence and just look at her, to see if that’ll bring her attention to me. Sometimes it will and she’ll just say “…what? I’m sorry i’m sorry”…..well, sorry used to be good enough. now it’s wearing paper-thin. it really hurts. when i was little i couldn’t understand what was wrong. i was so forgiving and assumed it wouldn’t happen over and over again. but now i can’t take it anymore.

It’s so hard to get her to really enjoy my conversations and stuff. She only laughs when i make up silly stories. God i’m too old for silly stories. But that’s the only way to get her to listen to me. I can start with a dumbass story and then if i’m lucky enough i can get to what i really needed to say.

When i talk about my worries for school, she just goes “uh huh” “hmm” and sometimes she’ll apologize and say she was thinking about work, or redecorating the house, or whatever. But lately she gets fed up like my dad. I told her about how I’m nervous about my theatre paper. I don’t know what to do about it since the topic is really hard to find sources for. She made an exasperated noise and just said “oh well” and left. um….ouch?

A few things are evident here. 1) i must be talking about my problems too much. 2) i must inadvertently be talking about them in an annoying manner, since both my father AND mother don’t like to hear about them. 3) my mom is being a bit selfish. Whaaa? Yes! It doesn’t make sense now, but I’ll tell you why i think this:

Why would my mom be selfish for not listening to my problems, you say? Well, because SHE continuously talks about HER problems to all of us all the time. And not only that, but she’ll get visibly angry if you dismiss them. She complains about back pain, neck pain, wrist, elbows, headaches, ankles. She complains about work, life, the house. And don’t you dare just go “uh huh” “hmm” to her. She’ll get offended and tell you “yeah well you complain too!” so, i have learned over the years to look very sympathetic and stuff. But now i’m finding it hard to care.

————————————————————-

As i have gotten older, it has become readily apparent that many things are unfair in this family. And i have gotten tired of trying to keep everyone happy. My mom would say the same thing. I think she also has the same problems as i do, but would never admit them to me. Although when she drinks she loves to tell me what she hates about our family’s behavior and that it just so awkward to hear from your mother.

I’ve gotten to the point where i can’t just lie to myself anymore and feed into everyone else’s bad behavior. I don’t want my father to get away with his rude behavior with his mother or with my mother and brother. I don’t care if he’s mean to me, i can shrug it off. But i care about how he treats my family. I don’t want my mother to get away with being pampered by the rest of us by having to be so sympathetic to her problems, when she doesn’t want to do the same for me.

It has gotten so bad that i don’t really want to interact with my family anymore. Do you see why Paris is so important to me now?

———————————————————————–

For years i have dreamt of getting away from all this. Since i was at least 9. Yes. I can’t believe it either. Around 9 years old i saw that my brother was having depression issues, my parents argued a bit….i could hear their conversations very well from my room. (Thanks to stupid 1948 construction of a suburban house i guess?) so i have always been “in the loop” about the problems my parents go through. What’s awful is that i don’t want to be, obviously. But no matter where in the house i was, i could hear it. And my mom would absent-mindedly keep a diary open by the computer, or a web page open, so that when i got there, I thought i had forgotten something and would read it. Epic fail. I wish she had remembered to hide those things. No, the things that i learned don’t bug me on a day-to-day basis, but they are in the back of my mind a lot. but they don’t bug me, it’s just something to remember.

 I wanted so bad to be allowed to go out and do anything i wanted, but i was only a kid and didn’t get to do much.

Once I was allowed to go out, i didn’t do it. Why? because i knew my parents would be concerned to see their kid just leaving the house randomly (we aren’t that kind of family) and when they asked “where are you going?” i’d say “out.  anywhere.” i knew they’d be worried. And despite the fact that they drive me nuts, i can’t get myself to do anything that would make them worried or hurt. because i love them. they’re my family. But they really are making me insane.

I always daydreamed of just going away somewhere. And once i was there, i wouldn’t keep contact with my family. I wanted so bad to just let go of the whole burden and be myself without any of that extra baggage. Because really, if you just looked at me and who i am, and not my background and stuff, I really am i decent human being. I’m healthy, i’m intelligent, i’m responsible, sympathetic, friendly. Looking at Marguerite just as a single mammal, i’m fine. Nothing hinders me otherwise.

Which is why i cannot wait to go to Paris. I can finally see for myself if i really am a capable human in society. And it’s not like going off to college where one might go home for the holidays and stuff. Nope. Just me, myself and I for 5 whole months. Although i am well aware that being far away doesn’t mean that my problems will disappear. They’ll always be here. But hopefully being physically 3,500mi away could give me a well-needed breather??

My family wants to go visit me, mainly because my mom wants to go to Paris. I am well aware she is jealous, and she likes to indulge herself on many things lately. I told them i don’t really want to see them, since it’d be difficult to have family for like a week then you’re on your own again. I’d rather just be there alone.

alone, alone! Ah, such a wonderful word! I love it. I’ve always been a rather independent child. I loved being in my room by myself. I still do. Lately i tried to hang out with my mom a lot, since i will very much miss my mother when i am gone, but she is very annoyed having me around so much.

So i’m just like “psh well fine, family. Since all i seem to do is bore you with my conversations, or irritate you with my problems, i guess it would benefit us all if i was not around for a while”. God i wish it was more than just a while.

I cannot wait for the day when my life is on track. When i’m self-sufficient. I would call once a month perhaps, but otherwise i could just be me. Finally. Because my family and I just don’t mix as well as we used to. And each year that passes by, i feel more and more apart from them. So let it be this way, if it must be so.

I love my family, don’t get me wrong. But when things are this unbalanced, and no one is willing to change it, i have to let go a bit. Because like i said, Marguerite the human by herself is a decent human. And there’s no reason to ruin that, especially when my life hasn’t really started much. So i will always love them, but i need to protect myself, my sanity, my gut feelings. I don’t want to become a person who is selfish and rude to their mother, or any of that.

Well, i should go. This whole post has created quite a large knot in my throat. plus it’s way too long anyway haha

59 days till Paris!

It’s safe to say I gained, 5,6, 17lbs after shoveling bite after bite of Thanksgiving goodness into my mouth. As of this very moment, I’m not entirely convinced that I’m not still full.

Let’s be honest, Thanksgiving ranks up there with the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. Your job is to devour as much food in one setting as humanly possible regardless of the possible consequences. If you’re lucky though, the big consequence will be that you wind up taking a nap…a glorious tryptophan induced nap.

Big shocker, that’s exactly how my day unfolded.

Food -check.

Fat – check.

Nap – check.

All in all, Thanksgiving 2009 was quite the success. Everyone was on their best behavior and the dogs didn’t try to steal any food off of anyone’s plates. Instead, they just looked sad and pathetic in the hopes we’d toss some turkey their way.

And because I’m bloated from all the food (and wine) I enjoyed, I’m going to forgo boring you with more words and instead let the pictures do the talking.

Do not ask me what this is. All I know is that there must be some prerequisite stating that something congealed has to be served at all major holidays.

I hope all of you had a family filled, tummy stuffed Thanksgiving!

Let the countdown to the Christmas feasting begin!

I heard a phone ringing somewhere distantly in my dream. I looked at the clock of the dreamworld. Who would be calling in the middle of the night? I checked the phone; it was an unknown caller, and went back to sleep. Then I woke up for real, and the phone was ringing at 3:40 AM.

It was the brother’s girlfriend. I heard my brother telling her to not call this late, and say he’d talk to her later. So he hung up. Then the phone rang AGAIN. And AGAIN. I heard a high pitched screech talking about black friday deals from across the atlantic, with a few choice words about keeping promises. Then I heard my brother answer her in kind. A few swear words later, he hung up and the phone rang AGAIN. “If you call the house, I will not even look at cameras.” I heard him warn.

I opened my eyes and Shirley and I exchanged glances. “She wouldn’t,” I told Shirley. Shirley made a face, and shrugged. My brother repeated his threat, and then said goodbye. A few seconds later… the house phone rang. At almost 4 AM.

“I’ma unplug it!” I here my brother exclaim to no one in particular, and rush out of my room.

Momentarily he returned. And the phone rang again! My eyes flew open and Shirley looked at me and said “She’s the devil!” as if that explained everything. A slow grin spread across my face, despite everything. Well, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t explain a lot. Cuz it does.

Then a few more cords got unpluged, but by now half the household stirrring with confused looks. I finally got up and stumbled around the house, repeating “Seriously?”

So yes, his girlfriend did call at nearly 4AM to demand he get the best deals on the camera she wants. Just one of the joys of (temporarily) sharing a room.

Surprisingly, Thanksgiving day was good. Normal, even. It’s just the rest of the year my family are insane.

Away with all your hope and dreams..

How can you fool yourself,
Thinking theres a light at the end of the tunnel.
That things will go better from now on..

Welcome to the real world.
Where fantasies are mostly dirty,
Where Barbie girls and Ken alike boys rule the world.

Welcome to work till you drop,
And to screwing around with many..

I welcome you to the insanity.
And let the craziness go on…

We are here to elevate you into a new understanding
to elevate your mind and conscious awareness
so that you might receive constant guidance from source in a clear manner
we are here to lead you away from the confusion
the conditioned darkness you have wandered in
and into a new way of being a new light to illuminate all problems
to bring forth goodness and love in a vibrant manner
so that all who come into your presence will be moved and touched by your healing power
this is the calling this is the life you can lead now
and this is the love you are here to be
thankfully, you are on the path to enlightenment because you have decided by your own desire this is what you want
this is where you are headed and this is the path that we continuously guide you toward for the benefit of all concerned
know that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of source
from the love of God from the love of who you are
because it is part of you
you are an extension indeed
but even more importantly you are filled with this love
it is simply a matter of letting go of resistance and giving into this love that fills you now
know that source is always present equally throughout your body throughout your mind throughout your circumstances throughout the universe
there is no lack of source no lack of love no lack of the presence and power of God anywhere
for as you know source is all present all power all knowledge and all love
there can be no lack of source anywhere
take responsibility for any shortage of what you want in life and figure out how to let go of your resistance your blocks
your uncertainty
figure out how to allow source to move freely through you so that you can fulfil that heart’s desire

know that no good thing will be kept from you
you must undue the conditioning undue the limits
you have put upon yourself
you must cleanse your mind and allow source to fill it with possibility potential love and hope
you must allow source to show you the truth apart from the illusion and insanity of modern-day thinking
let it go and allow source to elevate your consciousness to a new way of being a new way of allowing and a new way of thinking
let source fill your mind with beauty and passion let your mind be free to dream to love to endure with grace and gratitude
that all is well in this moment
and is always so
be sure to remember that now has everything you need
now has all the beauty joy and love you desire
if you would but allow it to come through
allow now

- Morning stream of consciousness writing from John Stringer

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Ich möchte auch nochmal zum Ende der Woche hin was wirklich Relevantes sagen. Deswegen:

Kennt ihr den Film “The Big Lebowski”? Wenn nicht: Angucken. Der rockt.

Und nochmal ein herzliches FUUUCK  YEAH und allen ein schönes Wochenende.

…und nun ist auch das Niveau hier wohl wieder auf der richtigen Höhe.

Today, we gather with loved ones, hopefully incident free, to give thanks for all of the wonderful things we have in our lives.

My sister and I are currently avoiding work in the kitchen, or at least I am, and would love to share what we are most thankful for…

1.that you don’t judge me for using a dangling preposition.

2. for my dad saying, “shut up and drink your wine” on this glorious day.

3. For the most amazing pets I could ever hope to know.

4. For the fact that on Thanksgiving, it’s socially acceptable to start drinking at a completely inappropriate time of day.

5. For the best in-laws in the world.

6. For this guy, who no matter what, somehow manages to put up with me and all of the craziness I throw his way.

7. For friends like this girl who make me laugh….and laugh…and laugh.

8. For my sister, who hates having her photo taken, but will let me take photos of her amazing baking skills…

9. For my parents…because they are the kickest-ass parents on the planet…and because my dad’s hair is glorious.

10. For all of you, my old friends, as well as my new internet friends. You inspire me everyday.

Here’s to having a Happy Thanksgiving.
Love to you all.

I hate holidays, especially the ones that arrive as the year nears its end.  They are the absolute worse on the Honjii’s Horrible Holiday scale.  The day before Thanksgiving hordes of people collectively have a sudden realization that OH MY GOD tomorrow is a holiday, and feel the need to get into their cars, cause traffic jams, and descend upon every imaginable retail establishment where they stand, blocking aisles, looking vacantly off into space.  I know that it will be like this through the end of the year so I’m going to avoid stores even if it means I have to starve.

Hello people, these holidays come around every year, or did  you forget?  If you place so much importance on them that you have to shop and plan and stress; why then, year after year,  does it seem to come as a surprise on the day before Thanksgiving?  You all talk about it for weeks ahead, asking stupid questions like, “What are YOU doing for Turkey Day?” so you had to know it was coming.  Speaking of stupid holiday questions, one of my all time favorites is, “Are you ready for Christmas?”, to which I usually answer, hopefully, “NO, if I’m not ready will it not happen?”

Turkey Day?  The media has taken the one major secular holiday and turned it into a mass food fest, where largely obese Americans feel they deserve a guilt free pass to stuff themselves (more than they normally do) with a big dead bird and other strange dishes like candies mixed with vegetables.  This event often involves getting together with relatives people rarely see, and don’t much like, for a feast that often turns into arguments and petty squabbles while stuffing their pie holes as if preparing for an impending famine.  I suppose they can be thankful they only have to see each other once a year.

And, as if the stores and the traffic isn’t bad enough, even the gym is no longer sacred.  Right after Turkey Day and again after that whole New Year resolution thing about losing weight and getting in shape, the gym becomes uncomfortably crowded…for about a month or so, until the newbies figure out THIS IS GONNA TAKE SOME WORK… when it is blissfully turned back over to us die-hard gym rats.

When and why did the day after Thanksgiving come to be known as Black Friday, a day that retailers open their doors at insane o’clock in the wee hours of the morning for mobs of shoppers looking for good deals on stuff?  To me, the term Black Friday evokes a day of mourning or a remembrance of some past tragedy that happened on a Friday.  I hate to shop and only do it when absolutely necessary.  I cannot for the life of me imagine why anyone would get up at two AM to stand in line with a mob of people (some of whom are probably incubating the H1N1 flu) waiting for the doors to open so they can swoop in, like vultures, and be the first to pick over the LOW LOW LOW priced stuff to buy with money they probably don’t have.

This insanity will continue as we move toward the big one, Christmas.  The closer we get to the big day the more intense the frenzy becomes building to a crescendo on (when else) the day before, at which point I will want to hide in a cave until it’s over.

Did I mention that I hate holidays?  BAH HUMBUG!

I’m just saying.

I need to do a beter job of keeping up with my blogs! I can’t believe it’s been nearly four months since I’ve come on this. Well, let me update you.

I tried the Cathy Savage Workouts. I was really excited about it, but I didn’t see any results. Of course, you get what you give, and I honestly didn’t give 100%. Even though I miss working out, the Cathy Savage Workouts bored the hell out of me. I need constant stimulation and getting monthly workouts in a spread sheet didn’t cut it for me.

So…I was watching YouTube and saw that a lot of people got fantastic results from p90x. I know you’re wondering if I bought it. Nope, I didn’t. Instead, I bought Shaun T’s Insanity for $150. It’s a 60-day intense cardio workout with plyometrics, body weight strength training, athletic drills and hardcore cardio. Although I loathe cardio, I thought the intense activity in the training would be better than just running on a treadmill. I should get it by the end of next week – I’m SO excited!

I also bought a Polar F6 heart rate monitor. I love that it tracks the calories burned during workouts – that’s the only reason I purchased it for $100 from Overstock.com. Plus, Overstock has a $1 shipping promo going on. Anyway, the calories burned feature on the HRM will help me determine how many calories I should consume each day to reach my goal.

Until next time…peace!

In den USA ist ja heute Thanksgiving, ich mußte aber trotzdem arbeiten, was ein Scheiß. Damit ich das aber gut aushalte, gibt es nachher Truthahn. Aus Heimweh- und Nostalgiegründen so, wie ihn meine Oma immer gemacht hat.

Hier das Rezept:

Man kaufe einen Truthahn von fünf Kilo für sechs Personen und eine Flasche Whisky, dazu Salz, Pfeffer, Olivenöl und Speckstreifen.

Truthahn mit Speckstreifen belegen, Schnüren, Salzen, Pfeffern und ein wenig Olivenöl dazugeben.
Ofen auf Stufe 7 während zehn Minuten vorwärmen.

Sich ein Glas Whisky einschenken.

Anschliessend den Truthahn auf einem Bratblech in den Ofen schieben.

Nun schenke man sich zwei schnelle Gläser Whisky ein und trinke diese.

Den Thermostat nach 20 Minuten auf 8 stellen, damit es ihn richtig drannimmt

Man schenke sich drei weitere Gläser Whisky ein.

Nach einer alben Dunde öffnen, wenden und den Braten überwachen.

Die Fiskiflasche ergreiff und sich eins hinter die Binde kippen.

Nach einer weiteren halben Stunde bis zum Ofen hinschlendern und die Trute rumwenden

Darauf achten sisch an der verdammten Obendüre nischt die Hand su ferbrenenn.

Sich weitere fünf oder sechs Wiskigläser sisch oder soooooo

Die Drude während dreis Schtunden raten und sich alle swansig Piluten beissen, wenn mögli

Zum Trut kriechen und den Offen aus dem Viech ziehen.

Nomal einen Schlugggenehmigen und wieder versuchen das Biest rauszugriegen.

Den Trut vom Boooden auflesen, mit einem Tuch abdurgten un auf eine Bladde hinrichten.

Paa uff, das du nicht uff d’Schnurre gheisch, weggen dem Fett auf dem Bläddli-bläddli-bo

Wenn’sich dorschdem nicht vermaiden läsd, fersuchen sich widder aufzurichten

Ein wenig schlapfen

Am nächsten Tag den Truthahn mit Mayonnaise kalt essen, selbstverständlich nachdem man das ganze Bordell vom Vorabend aufgeräumt hat.

Cheers

…und nun weiß ich auch, warum es jedes Jahr ein Foto von meiner Oma gab, wie sie vor dem Ofen saß und den Puter bewacht hat…

Last night, I
looked up to the sky and said,
“oh my, it’s full of stars.
and between the stars there are lines.
And where the lines meet
- too many in the same place at the same time…
that, THAT is where the world ends.”
We are nothing
but a confluence of lines,
racing a sunset line
towards an ending
inexplicable, inevitable
- intangible.
Realize this,
realize…
that for all our faults,
all our mistakes
we are free…
and realize just how beautiful that is.

(Originally written 11/25/2009) And the insanity beings at Walmart. I went in today and I was greeted by the delightful steely stare of Thanksgiving shoppers.

And this insanity is only a precursor the chaos that will occur on Friday morning. Not one customer has met my gaze so far. They’re so absorbed in their own little worlds, completely distracted by their “to do” lists. Forsaking the what is. They wouldn’t even notice  Johnny Depp if he walked in right now.

Me, I’m an observer. I like partaking the in the world around me. And also, I’m a man. That’s the other reason why I’m so in the moment. I’m constantly on the lookout for eye candy. Not too much in here today sadly. They must not know how to cook.

There’s a stoner approaching me with his father follwing behind. Now we’re going down the paper aisle. Success! We actually exchanged a pleasantry with another human being!

Just now a random guy who appeared to be shopping came up to us and said, “You know, I’m Mr. Mom,” then he started telling us, very lividly, how the Walmart in Peru is cheaper then this one because their competition’s prices are lower out there. I wanted to ask, “Well, why aren’t you shopping there then?” But, he talked so fast that I didn’t have an opportunity to butt in. Have you ever seen Die Hard with a Vengeance before? He kind of sounded like that one guy that John McClain gets a ride from in the aquaduct. Ooh, there’s some eye candy.

Well, now we’re picking up the stuffing, preparing to depart for the fully packed registers. I find it funny that everyone here that notices me most likely thinks that I’m working on a grocery list. But I’m really taking notes on their behavior. Kind of makes me feel like an asshole. But, I guess if the shoe fits. I’ll write more after work on Black Friday.

Thanksgiving.  Food, family, stress.   As a child, I was quite selfish.  Quite selfish, indeed.  I claimed to hate Thanksgiving, but I think I said this because I wasn’t the center of attention.  So,  my worry of being ignored and my “hatred” of the holiday drove me to the basement to hide and time how long it took someone to find me.  Not only did I go to the basement, but I went to the unfinished part, then through a little doorway into a  secret room where the lawn mower was kept.  I then would hide behind something.  And sit.  So, even if someone came looking for me, he or she had to work for it.

My mom was always the one to notice I was gone and come looking.  She always found and encouraged me to come back upstairs and join the rest of the family.  When I said I didn’t want to, she always told me that she needed me and one relative or another was driving her crazy.  So, I went and stood near my mother.  My grandmother always came in and stole the show with some ridiculous story or another and she usually made one of my aunts cry (this aunt is waaaay too sensitive) and then my grandmother cried and my mom got angry and she and my dad went to another room to gossip about how insane the family is.

My grandmother doesn’t eat turkey, by the way.  She doesn’t cook anything that is called its name.  Like, she doesn’t serve chicken or turkey or lamb.  I don’t really know about rabbit…that is probably off the list as well.  But, she does make Ham.  Because it’s not called pig.  This is all very logical and sensical in her mind.  Anyway, on Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, my aunt (not the crier, another one) said that she was going to bring the Turkey.  She showed up…no Turkey.  Thank goodness my grandmother has that weird obsession with the names of meats and all, because she saved Thanksgiving with her ham.  And the Turkey was never mentioned.  Weird?  Yes, it is.

Part of the tradition was the day after Thanksgiving.  This is now defunct because I am finally old enough to refuse to see Santa and have no consequences.  She (my mom) forced me to participate in this tradition until I was in sixth grade.  Holy hell, sixth grade!  Besides that, we (my mom’s side of the family) spent the entire day at the mall shopping and seeing movies and getting candy and looking at Christmas decorations.  It was entirely magical.  Now, it is just the mall.  With A TON of people that need to be punched.  The magic has died.

Tomorrow, I will be taking pictures and notes of all the drama.  Because I know my aunt will cry.  And that my grandmother will say something inappropriate.  My mom will get mad and my dad will laugh and tell her to calm down which will just make her more mad.  My cousin will act arrogant and my uncle will wear socks with sandals.  And, I will be there to document every weird thing.  For posterity.  And this blog.

P.S. I totally tagged this post with “zombies”

So this post is now two days late (I refuse to acknowledge it being Thursday yet; I haven’t slept, therefore it is still Wednesday). I’d like to say I’m sorry, and I kind of am. Mostly I’m sorry that the two papers I have due next Monday are eating up this much of my time. I haven’t been online since Tuesday, and I probably won’t be online again for quite a bit (at least not until late Friday, and maybe not even then). All this in the effort to beat the clock. Anyways, on to the review!

I have to say, I LOVED this movie. It was absolutely hilarious. A self aware, story about a bunch of nerds who are trying to quest for Episode One. There are cameo appearances like you wouldn’t believe. William Shatner had to be my favorite: “Are you kidding? I’m William Shatner. I can score anything.” (On how he got the specs for how to break into Sky Walker Ranch and steal Episode One). It’s funny, though, because later in the movie, one of the guards asks “How did you all break in? Was William Shatner involved?” with no prior evidence to the other’s involvement. It makes one wonder if there had been previous attempts. I also enjoyed the last line of the movie, after everything that happens, the remaining friends gather to watch the opening, and just as the movie is about to start, one turn as asks “Hey guys..what if the movie sucks?” I would definitely recommend this movie to anyone willing to admit they’re a geek.

On another note, I discovered something last Thursday. My freshman RA, Alexandra Bracken is having her first novel published! Huray for her! Did I mention she graduated last year? I will admit it. I’m insainly jealous. I’m also in awe. She’s been working on this novel since my freshman year (at least) which is probably part of the reason she was able to get it published so soon after college. Still, it makes me jealous. I’m really hoping that I’ll be able to do something similar in terms of time frame (even though I technically haven’t started writing the first novel I hope to have published). The best part about this is that Alex’s book, Brighlty Woven looks like it’s going to be a good read. I really can’t wait to go buy it in March! Check it out and tell me what you think.

In other news, a combination of finding out that Alex is published and receiving certain feedback on my short stories is making me a little twitchy when it comes to my writing. I’m going to have to make a couple more editing runs through Goodnight Earth and another through Calling Down the Rain before I allow them out to potential publishers again. I have a list I need to tick off on: passive voice, repetitive word/phrase usage, clarity of motives, the list goes on and on. I’m a little worried there might be things I’ve missed the first time around. On the other hand, it could just be paranoia on my part.

Remember, loss of sleep results in loss of reasoning capacities. I need more sleep.

Comments are appreciated. They make me feel loved.

I rarely feature movie reviews but this one-word-titled is really interesting:

‘Ursula Meier’s acclaimed Home, in which a family is driven insane by the new highway running past their idyllic country house, is opening in the US. Should you be excited? Critics say yes:

This is a “bewitching dream of a film,” says Sukhdev Sandhu of the Daily Telegraph. Leading lady Isabella Huppert “has such mesmerizing presence that I would happily pay to watch her paint a wall for 90 minutes.”

“Home is one of the strangest horror films” in years, says Rob Daniel of Sky Movies. Though it’s slow in the middle, it gets under your skin, and its climax “genuinely chills.”
Its fear-of-progress theme makes Home feel oddly like sci-fi, says Jes Bickham of Filmstar. But “it’s a moving affair, presenting a family unit in all its messy, loving wonder.”
But Catherine Shoard of the Guardian was less impressed, calling it a “botched, but rather beautiful eco parable” that asks you to “cast aside common sense” and ignore the obvious question: “Why don’t they just move?”’

Killjoy

Not a good day, really. First thing this morning I had an appointment with my doctor, requested because I thought maybe I want to try anti-depressants again, to combat the naturally increased levels of anxiety associated with my job. The doctor ended up seeing me half an hour late, as he always does, causing a great deal of stress as I would have to be at work within the hour. He only gave me a few minutes, just like he always does, in which I had to persuade him that my problem really isn’t just a case of mild newcomer nerves. I got a prescription for three months’ worth of citalopram, which I was on last year. I had thought it might be useful to try something else, something that won’t cause all the unpleasant side effects that put me off citalopram before, but since the doctor was clearly too busy for a proper discussion, I had to make do with what I was given. I really can’t wait to move next month so that I can sign up with a new doctor.

When I was finally out of the doctor’s surgery I rushed home to take the first tablet in the course, before I had to go to work. Maybe it’s an alcoholic thing to do, rushing home in a frenzy to take a pill in the hope that I might feel better, rather than leaving it for tomorrow. With some extra serotonin in my system, I think I felt OK on the tube to Notting Hill this morning. I certainly didn’t feel horrible like I have every morning for the past two weeks. That can probably be put down to the expectation effect, rather than any real chemical action. SSRI’s such as citalopram take weeks to have any real effect, which is how they are not habit-forming.

At work I had three hours of customer service to look forward to – after yesterday’s ‘experience’ they seem to think I’m ready to be let loose on the public properly. I logged on to find about 300 customer e-mail enquiries that urgently needed responding to. The same guy who sat with me yesterday at the helpdesk sat with me again today, offering help when it was needed. I got the impression after an hour that I should be starting to feel more confident in answering the enquiries on my own. My supervisor began to sound tired and bored with my endless requests for help. After two hours, I noticed him rolling his eyes nearly every time I spoke. I began to panic, horrified by the thought that I was being a burden, and I made a few mistakes, choosing to go ahead and respond to enquiries alone rather than risk further eye-rolling by asking for more help.

After three hours I had to take a break just to calm down. I went out to Starbucks, sat down and stuffed my face with sugar. My hands were shaking; I was sure that I’d finally proved myself to be the failure that I always thought I was in their eyes. I’d reduced someone who was supposed to be helping me to eye-rolling boredom. In his eyes, I could be a bit slow, at best. Stupid, at worst. The thought of being seen as stupid is absolutely horrifying to me. I don’t know why.

After using up my paid break I returned to the office where I was allowed to get on with the other part of my job, the bit that I’ve got used to over the past two weeks, where I have to update the website with retailer offers. I’m comfortable with this bit of the job: it’s got nothing to do with customer service, it’s just typing words and numbers into a live website. Of course, two weeks ago I was in a similar place with this part of the job to the place where I am now with the new part. I thought I’d never understand any of it two weeks ago. Now it’s almost a piece of cake. If I can get my head around that, surely I can understand anything. Well, that’s what I’m hoping.

At 5pm Melanie announced to the office that our thanksgiving dinner was ready and waiting for us downstairs. I didn’t know why the whole company was choosing to go to a thanksgiving party, until I got downstairs and saw all the alcohol. About fifty fresh bottles of various descriptions sat on a table in the corner of the room, and the thirty or so employees of the company were fighting their way over to the table to lay claim to their share of the night’s alcoholic refreshment. Melanie and some of the other directors had cooked turkey; with all the booze distracting everyone the food was almost a second thought at this point. I put some meat and potatoes on a paper plate and went to sit on the only free seat in the corner of the room. It’s a really bad space for a party: only one large sofa and a few swivel chairs had to accommodate thirty people with their dinner and drinks. From the moment I sat down I knew I wasn’t enjoying myself. Everyone separated off into their little cliques where they were bound to stay for the rest of the night. Melanie, who I might have felt comfortable chatting to, was busy serving up the food in the kitchen and didn’t look as if she would be mingling any time soon. I forced the food down my throat in three minutes and decided I’d had enough of the party. I had to leave. No one was really interested in socialising: it was all about getting pissed as quickly as possible. I had hoped that tonight would finally be my opportunity to meet the other people in the company, get to know some faces and names outside of the small, uncomfortable little team that I always work in. Alas, I didn’t stand a chance of making a single friend.

I wasn’t the first person to sneak out early tonight. One of the guys who trained with me three weeks ago was out of the door like a shot after forcing his food down in a similar way to me. At least I didn’t have to be the first to leave. Just five minutes of the event was more than enough for me. It’s not the fear of drinking that puts me off these kinds of things: it’s the fear of being around drunk people. I can’t handle it.

As soon as I left I was full of doubts once again about the future of my job. Someone was bound to notice my sudden departure. They could be thinking: what an ungrateful arse, staying only long enough to eat our food without bothering to talk to anyone! With the added pressure of the extra work that I am now being expected to do every day, I’m really fearful about the whole thing tonight. I went straight to the gay step 11 meeting from Notting Hill – I desperately needed to be in a safe place with safe people. There I managed to share about what had just happened, though it was an incredibly busy meeting and I don’t usually manage to jump in when there are so many others needing to speak. I’m glad I was able to go to the meeting tonight, and I’m really glad I was able to talk about all the things going through my mind. As a consequence I felt much better, for a while. People came up to share with me their experiences of dreaded office parties, how we all find it impossible to deal with so-called ‘normal’ people in the real world where getting drunk is the highest priority for most. The trouble with socialising in the ‘real’ world is that it’s all so meaningless. None of the conversation that I heard tonight was of any real interest to me; a few years ago it wouldn’t have mattered as I would have been too wasted to care. Today I can’t ignore the fact that most of what these people want to talk about is utter shit! I don’t want to be judgmental, it’s just the way British society works. As long as you can get really drunk, nothing else matters.