12月13日2009年~12月14日2009年… 我等待了一年的流星雨终于就要来临~
去年2008~ 拥有我最美好的回忆~ 虽然我错过了去年的双子座流星雨~ 但我在那时许下了愿望~
当时的甜蜜~ 当时的幸福~ 虽然只是短短的几封短讯~ 我很开心~ 那种感觉, 还在心中~
今年的流星雨~ 你会许下什么愿望呢?~
我不知道~ 我还能许与去年一样的愿望吗?
等待了一年~ 最可惜的就是没有最心爱的人可以一起看那星星们闪过的星火~
今年的双子座流星雨~ 会是今年最美最多的一次~
身在奥洲~ 希望能看见等待以久的双子座流星雨~
我会许下愿望~ 一个属于我(们)的愿望~
满天星空的夜晚~ 躲起来的新月~
星火闪过的夜晚~ 就好像泪光闪过~
浪漫~ 安静~ 美妙~ 温暖~
一起来看这难得一见的美丽流星雨吧~
一起在那星火闪过的刹哪许个美丽的愿望吧~
躺在翠绿的草原~ 眼看满天星空的夜晚~
希望看见那最美丽的夜泪~ 那最甜美的笑容~
双子座流星雨~ 2009 12月~

2am in the Morning~ is time to sleep~ yet I am here feeling messy~

Just a simple question~ do you ever think that in this world, you are never important?
a feeling that you got zero value to the people around, to the society, to the world?

Everyone may say it is very normal. Everyone will need to go through this. Everyone will face this problem.
Haha. ya. Maybe. Maybe for a half teenage half adult. People in the age of 20 to 25 years old, especially guys~
because at this state, guys have no acheivement, no money, no house, no car, no power in the society.

Since from young, I want to be somebody, somebody special~ and not just a nobody.
But until now, I wasted 20 years of rice, 20 years of oxygen, 20 years of everything~ I am still a nobody~
Some may ask, somebody specail in term of what~ for me in term of anything and everything~

Sometime, maybe it is just my life~ doing the same things as other~ get the same result~ same product~
but I never get the same price as other… and this had happen always and always for like 10 or more years ever since I got memory.

People said, Why want to compare? Everyone is special in their own way… haha.. I found this sentence irritating…
If it is so, let me ask, why even since we are bornt, we being compare with other babies with cuteness and so on?
If it is so, let me ask, why even since we start schooling, start from kindargarden, there is exam and rating among the whole class?
If it is so, let me ask, why even if you really success in life, why people still want to compare the total amount of money you have and see who is the richest?
Comparison, it is just something that we can never escape from our life, isn’t it?

If comparison not important, why there is something call “-er” & “-est” and “more” & “most” and “better” & “best”?
and because of this whole life comparison, most of the people don’t like to be compared.
but how? people around you will still compare you with all other~
and the worst thing is they love to compare your weak point with other’s strong point~ 
and sometime it really make people feel hurt and sad~

Poeple compare everything~
When study compare result~ Parents compare you with top students or siblings or other relatives~
When work compare salary~ compare this compare that~ for? want to be the best of all?
when in relationship~ bf/gf compare you with his or her ex and others’ people bf/gf or other random people~ compare looking, compare romance! compare compare and compare!!! do you know it really hurt?

I had been living in comparison for 20 years and it never end.
Always and always… sometime I just want to find someone that can support me…
but yet? HAHA… ya… I am just nothing… a nobody…

If really everyone is special, why that is the words, “same” & “similar”?
Is this world fair? haha… who say unfair? show me your hands… who say fair? show me your legs… haha..
Nothing in this world is fair. When come and think of it, why? haha..

8 years… can I make it? haha… the answer is unknown… my dream of being somebody…
somebody special with everything~ money, power, happiness.
My 10 years plan~ My ultimate goal~ My dreams~

The me now, is never good enough~ level up~ing is the must until the end of everything
Don’t be the best for all time, just be better and keep improving yourself~ because there is never a “highest” state when we can always go higher and higher.

I am a deamer, a dream chaser, a people who want to make dream come true…
Trying hard…
but disappointment and sadness love to be my friends~
I don’t want! but what to do? for this moment, my last reason of happiness is already gone…
have a rest~ will feel better~ I guess~ haha…

 I know that when you look at me
There’s so much that you just don’t see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you’d find
A girl who’s scared sometimes
Who isn’t always strong
Can’t you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

I wanna run to you (oooh)
I wanna run to you (oooh)
Won’t you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There’s nobody there, no one cares for me
What’s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?

(chorus)

I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much…

(chorus)

I love to see the ocean’s beauty
and the moon that shines above
alone in the sand looking at the stars
wishing someday i would find true love
would it be nice to see the morning
with the one you love the most
would it be nice to say goodnight
to the one you hold so close to your heart
to your heart.

Chorus:
the wind that blows the dove
is the wind that blows my love
hope it’ll find its way to you wherever you are.

I love to sit in fields of green
looking deeply through the sky
watching birds as they fly by
hoping someday fate will bring me true love.
Would it be nice to hold someone
so dear, near your heart
would it be nice to hear those words
i love you from the one that you love,
that you love.

(repeat chorus)

bridge:
i’d love to see myself one day
in the arms of someone
who will share his life with me
selflessly…someday…
you will find your way…to me…
(repeat chorus)

*WE WILL FIND OUR WAY TO SOMEONE
THAT GOD PREPARED FOR US……someday!

I really want to make a book. Maybe a memoir (though, I’m not quite old enough yet). I want to make a book that talks about the State: how it initiates its power and then simultaneously maintains itself – basically summarizing its methods – and its efficiency/inefficiency. Then a part of the book would be about The Alternative. Which, is basically pretty obvious (anarchism).

Maybe an existentialist book, also. Stuff like that.

So I found a website called Wordclay, which allows you to publish your own books.

Anyway, apparently there still hasn’t exactly been service group. Though I guess there was an improvised service group today. Abe was there, and we were both assigned to work on the same canned food drive poster, which was pretty awesome. Well, did my best to get close to him! Very inconspicuously.

We were laying on the floor, and his legs were under a seat, so I put my legs in there, and rolled around a bit, feeling him against my back. Apparently, he didn’t notice.

When we were leaving school, he yelled out my name and said bye to me when we split ways and I was already halfway home. Which made me feel good. It makes me feel like a friend.

Apparently Fer-fer knows about my bisexuality, or thinks I’m homosexual, and knows what my feelings may be towards Abe, but he never really brings it up. Today I found out this because I said I was part of the Geography Club, referencing the book by the same name.

But, on Thursday, I had Cross Country. What had surprised me for the most part was the fact that, well, there were only four people present. The rest of them I buried alive so that I would be the best runner! No, really, I have no idea what happened. It’s as though some mass amnesia that there was Cross Country had happened where only a few were saved.

It was quite fucked up, since it felt way too peaceful.

Anyway, apparently the coach wanted us to drop unconscious, and, thinking that punching us a bloody nose in the face was too conspicuous, he decided to run laps for 20 minutes. Because I am pretty fast – or just because the coach wanted to push us further – I ran quite a lot of laps on that time, non-stop.

Not even to scratch my pubes.

And guess what? I saw these two girls from the wack sucky annoying stupid-ass afterschool I had to go to so my mom could keep me busy and she didn’t have to worry about my horrible presence and civil disobedience when she tells me to get off the computer. And when I was running, out loud, they said the following.

Girl1: “I want to fuck you!”

Girl2: “If you were homework, I would do all you all night!”

They noticed they were saying these things in front of my coach and quickly withdrew the comments, like the S.B. (Smart B*tches) they were. Though more like S.O.F. (Slow Obscene Females).

Thought I felt a surge of power and prowess when they said that and some images flashed, I would never go out with an obnoxious girl that shouts obscene things out loud. Shouting, shouting; shouting, shouting. You wanna fuck me? Well,

Srsly.

Seriously – they could’ve just whispered it in my ear or something.

But, hey, that’s how it happened.

In the laps, I felt a resurgence of strength also, not because of the girls, no, but it seems after I finished the more difficult maps my legs started adjusting. They felt just a bit hot and numb and less strained. So, I think I’ve built my legs up a bit already.

Abe is so kawaii. Too bad we likely won’t be romantic friends. But, we’re friends.

I also read the memoir I’ve been working on at Writing Workshop in class – out loud, and it was supposed to be recorded, but my memoir was too hilarious (being about having a phobia of taking a crap) that the audience could not stifle their laughter, so they had perturbed the recording.

This weekend, I’m going to have to finish all of my applications for HS admissions. I hate this whole process, because as a procrastinator, I’m not good with deadlines. Now I shall post the relevant pictures, like I always do:

“GOD!! I’m afraid.. T.T”

Why? Bcoz there’s a voice inside me that keep telling me that I’m not gonna be able to enter Monash. and this morning, my mom messaged me. she was angry with me bcoz I skipped my classes. so, she said it’s better for me to go back to indonesia and just enter the univ there.. I’m so sad.. I know it was my fault by skipping my class, but I’m not anymore. and I need support from her in order to enter Monash..

I alsi dunno why suddenly I feel really afraid. Usually, I’m also afraid, but not like this time. I even cried this time.. I heard a song, “Tiada yang mustahil bagiMu, tiada yang sukar di hadapanMu”. Is it really true? If it’s true, then why do I feel it’s really hard to enter Monash? everyday I feel I will not be able to, but I try to be strong, I try to keep my faith.. T.T

“GOD, please help me this time. I want to enter Monash, I hv to enter Monash. and I’m so sorry if I have feeling like this, but I just simply dunno wat to do. I’m afraid, GOD..”

xoxo,

mermer

what a relief..!!! “I just want to pass this week immediately ” – that’s all my thoughts day after day of last week. I just want to pass the weekend a.s.a.p LOL I think you know why..

Yep it’s all about the final paper presentation and the big day of our big project (RBS outbond). What made me so that stressed that whole week.

And now I’ve through that weekend…Through my final paper presentation also our project with RBS. Really..really thanks GOD !! Thanks for the weather specially (in this rainy day) even there’s a bit earthquake, thanks for the crews, thanks for all togetherness, for the helpers, thanks..

E comemora-se com ‘uma simples folguinha’? Francamente, nós merecemos um troféu, ou melhor, vários troféus!

Parabéns a todos nós. Somos verdadeiros heróis, pois apesar de todas as dificuldades, lutamos com uma das armas mais poderosas pra mudar este país: A EDUCAÇÃO.

― Mas, você vai ser professora?

Perdi as contas de quantas vezes escutei essa pergunta. Perdi as contas de quantas vezes eu a respondi (Com indignação!).

Analisando esses diálogos, penso que se fossem travados com a ‘Carolina de hoje’ com certeza eu responderia sem a revolta de antigamente. A experiência me fez ver que, de alguma forma, esses questionadores queriam me avisar sobre o que viria pela frente…

E o que viria pela frente? Ah, tantas coisas (Pode ficar tranquilo (a), não vou listá-las)!

Mas eu posso garantir que essas ‘tantas coisas’ fazem com que a cada dia que passa, a cada aula ministrada, eu me convença de que não quero essa vida de professor de escola pública. Eu não quero passar anos e anos me lamentando como vejo os meus colegas fazerem.

Então, será que não tenho vocação para lecionar? Sim, eu tenho. Mas prefiro fazê-lo em qualquer outro local que não seja a escola. Eu me visualizo em cursinhos de idiomas, em cursos pré-vestibulares, em faculdades, mas em escolas… Definitivamente não!

Já não basta a falta de estrutura, a precariedade do ensino, os atrasos dos salários, os salários absurdamente baixos, o baixo nível dos alunos, a violência, o bullying, a desmotivação, o estresse, etc (Ops, listei algumas!). A Secretaria de Educação do Estado adota a medida de juntar turmas com baixo número de alunos. É a enturmação que veio se agregar a tal lista das ‘tantas coisas’. Pra mim foi a gota d´àgua.

É, o intercâmbio vai ser um divisor de águas. Tem que ser!

Sim, é um desabafo. Pronto, falei.

Puso’y nasasaktan dahil nagmamahal

Antok sa gabi’y hindi na maramdaman,

Luha ay patuloy sa pagpatak ng di  na namamalayan

Bigat sa dibdib tila di na makakayanan,

Pagmamahal na hindi nararapat

Sakit ang dulot sa pusong nasusugatan

Minsan nais na lamang hininga ay pigilan ng wala ng maramdaman

Sa isip patuloy na nilalabanan ngunit

Puso’y  di mapigilan na nagmamahal lamang

Bakit kailangan maramdaman pagmamahal

Na kailanman’y hindi masusuklian

Nawa sana kahit minsan lang

Pagmamahal na tunay na ibinibigay

Ay makasapat upang maunawaan ang nararamdaman

Di naman ninais na ito’y maramdaman

Ngunit puso’y tumibok at di n napigilan

Kahit nasasaktan ang puso’y patuloy na magmamahal

Di man masuklian at di man maunawaan,

Pusoy patuloy na magmamahal

Dahil patuloy sa pagtibok at di  na mapigilan

Sana ay maunawaan na ang pusong di maintindihan

Ay nagmamahal lamang ng tunay.

Yeap…it’s my final paper to pass this univ.It’s confusing enough for me.

Whether  had to go here and there, doin’ this and that. I feel being a superbusy woman (too much..LOL-lebay).

But you know, it’s far more confusing and dizzying about prepare for the future. Sometimes I’d like to runaway, run for this life things. Yeah..that’s a coward. Then I just kept my mind close to anything harm or made me think bad. I just could try to pray, pray, and pray. What is called the future, which makes me that fear.

Sometimes I feel that I will go desperate, but luckily I never been at that state. I feel so so blessed to have God in my life, that He bear all my weakness, all my fear, all my worries, all..

Then let’s continue with all my happiness. I’m going to have a holiday. And thanks GOD it’s beach. Yeayy…I’m so excited, moreover that my boyfriend will be with me all day.LOL

OK,due to the holiday,  now I have to do my final paper..hope I finish this term well..

GBU all

wait for my holiday news..~~~ \(^o^)/

baru aku alami.. berbicara suatu masalah denganmu dengan tenang.. tanpa emosi.. tanpa prasangka.. tanpa selalu menghakimi satu sama lain..

kita ngobrol santai sekali.. aku berbicara tentang dia.. begitu juga kamu.. kamu berbicara tentang perempuan itu.. begitu santai.. begitu tenang.. aku pun begitu menyimak mendengarkan..

mungkin komunikasi seperti ini yang jarang kita punya..

masing2 mulai menyadari.. masing2 mulai bisa menerima keadaan.. mulai terbiasa..

ini menurutku suatu langkah yang baik.. apapun keputusannya.. masing2 harus bisa menerima dengan bijak.. klo dimulai lagi ya mulai dengan baik.. kalau diakhiri pun.. masing2 akan tetap menjaga hubungan yang sudah terjalin baik2..

it’s a good start for many purposes..

aku sengaja mengumpulkan memori2 kita terdahulu.. tapi ternyata itu tidak membantuku.. malah hanya semakin menyiksaku..

tapi dengan keadaan yang sudah tidak punya rasa kasihan ini.. aku bisa menjalani kehidupan dengan kamu tanpa rasa apa2..

how could I be so heartless?

karena kondisi kekecewaanku yang tidak pernah hilang.. dan selalu tidak pernah memiliki kesempatan untuk bahagia..

tidak..

dari awal memang aku selalu didalam kondisi yang tidak mempunyai pilihan.. apapun yang aku lakukan pasti atas dasar pertimbangan dari tekanan suatu pihak..

even pihak2 itu selalu menganggap bahwa: itu bukanlah suatu paksaan sepihak.. tapi tetap saja.. aku selalu menganggap itu selalu memberatkan aku..

kalau aku masih mempunyai pilihan.. maka aku bisa bertindak lebih leluasa.. bisa lebih bebas.. tapi? tetap saja tertahan didalam kondisi yang persis sama..

kondisi dimana permintaanku selalu mentah.. tidak terlaksana.. terlaksana pun pasti dengan keterpaksaan & tekanan..

tapi dengan perasaan & hati yang telah membatu ini bisa meringankan segalanya.. tidak perlu terbebani oleh perasaan2 bersalah atau pun rasa sakit hati..

kenapa aku gak dari awal begini ya? lebih baik tidak punya hati.. supaya tidak bisa lagi merasakan kecewa & sedih..

gak ada yang salah denganmu..

yang salah itu aku.. salah sudah memberi perhatian.. salah telah memberikan harapan.. salah sudah menyakiti lebih jauh.. salah sudah membuat sa-sia menunggu..

terima kasih untuk semuanya.. meski kecewa.. tapi tetap bisa menerima dengan bijak..

aku disini juga menyimpan kekecewaan yang sama.. kecewa ternyata nasib tidak berpihak pada kita.. kecewa ternyata dari mu tidak ada tindakan apa2.. kecewa karena ternyata kamu sudah tidak ada lagi mengirim kabar berita..

selama ini aku hanya bisa mengawasi mu dari jauh.. sampai pada suatu titik.. aku menyerah..

aku sudah tidak bisa melakukan apa2 lagi.. yang ada hanya kekecewaan..

awalnya aku tidak ingin perasaan ini mati.. karena aku punya pengharapan & mimpi dengan mu..

tapi ternyata kondisi ini malah menyiksaku.. dan kebahagiaan yang aku tunggu2 itu tidak kunjung datang juga..

sekarang,, hati ku sudah mati.. sudah tidak berperasaan lagi.. ternyata aku tidak sekuat itu.. sudah tidak memiliki harapan apa2 lagi..

aku lihat kabar terakhir.. steady.. hmm.. itu berarti kamu sudah lebih kuat sekarang.. itu aku lihat beberapa hari lalu.. aku anggap,, kau sudah bisa berjalan lagi tanpa aku..

sedangkan aku? ternyata tidak bisa berjalan tanpa kamu.. akhirnya dengan kekecewaan yang berlarut.. aku menyerah..

dan akhirnya perasaanku hilang.. hatiku membatu.. bukan lagi perempuan yang kamu kenal..

kekecewaan yang aku tanggung selama ini.. nampaknya tidak teratasi lagi.. selama ini kebahagiaan tidak pernah berpihak padaku.. kenyataannya selalu kebahagiaan itu semu.. hanya dirasakan oleh pihak tertentu saja..

lalu aku? aku hanya bisa meredam semuanya.. meredam agar tidak emosi.. meredam agar aku bisa merasa aman.. meredam agar semua kembali normal.. tapi yang terlihat dari luar: aku sangat bahagia..

kenyataannya? semakin lama aku pendam semakin lama aku tersiksa.. semakin berat pula untuk melanjutkan semuanya.. semua terasa berat sebelah..

aku selalu merasa bertepuk sebelah tangan.. selama ini aku yang selalu merasa bahwa aku lebih cinta.. lebih takut kehilangan.. lebih bisa memendam semuanya.. dan aku tidak punya pegangan saat tau bahwa dia harus pergi.. oleh karena itu selama 7 tahun ini aku lebih banyak diam.. karena aku takut kehilangan…

tapi lama kelamaan.. tertekan dalam kondisi ini.. aku bangkit muli melihat sekeliling.. mulai mencari kehidupan lain yang lebih nyaman.. lebih aman..

apakah mudah? tidak.. butuh waktu 7 tahun untuk mendapatkan kenyamanan lain.. dalam kurun waktu itu.. aku tidak pernah bercerita yang sebenarnya kepada teman2 dekatku.. kenapa? karena aku tidak mau image dia jelek dimata teman2ku..

aku tetap bertahan.. tapi ternyata aku tidak sekuat itu.. runtuh semuanya setelah 7 tahun aku pendam.. tapi tetap.. aku tidak menemukan jalan keluar dari masalahku.. tetap tidak bisa bebas dari belenggunya.. stuck? iya,, benar.. aku tertahan disini.. tanpa bisa mengutarakan apa yang sebenarnya aku mau..

semakin lama kecewa.. bukannya membuat hatiku lega saat mengungkap semuanya.. tapi hatiku terlanjur membatu.. semua nasehat sahabat.. semua masukan.. rasanya tidak membekas.. hanya seperti semilir angin yang pergi begitu saja..

aku terlanjur kecewa.. terlanjur dingin.. terlanjur mati.. terlanjur tak berhati..