Insomnia. Pure and simple it seems. Circadian rhythms fail and human rhythms prevail.

The sun is cracking the gray sky as I write. Through the blinds I see the silhouettes of the final buildings before the lake. Framed in birthing light they hide their facades. Details lost by trickery and abstract ocular computation.

I don’t remember a full day of natural rays. My body has adjusted accordingly. Joy has been replaced with melancholy. Human relation has become sparse.

Slumber needs to find me. I’m not hiding. I feel like the kid someone forgot during hide-and-seek.

Insomnia. Pure and simple it seems. Circadian rhythms fail and human rhythms prevail.

The sun is cracking the gray sky as I write. Through the blinds I see the silhouettes of the final buildings before the lake. Framed in birthing light they hide their facades. Details lost by trickery and abstract ocular computation.

I don’t remember a full day of natural rays. My body has adjusted accordingly. Joy has been replaced with melancholy. Human relation has become sparse.

Slumber needs to find me. I’m not hiding. I feel like the kid someone forgot during hide-and-seek.

For some strange, strange reason, I woke up about … two hours ago. I’m assuming this thing doesn’t have a time stamp, so I’ll go ahead and tell you that two hours ago was 4:30.

IN THE MORNING.

I’m not sure as to why I’m currently sitting here, typing this out, instead of sleeping like a normal human does on a Saturday morning, but I am. And I hate it.

I’m sure this happens to everyone, so it’s not that big of a deal. But I really despise being awake this early because it makes me think of that gut-churning realization I got every morning from the age of 5 to 12, where I knew it was time to go to elementary school.

This feeling is the WORST feeling on earth, and despite the fact it’s been almost two years since I graduated from high school, the feeling is creeping back right now, and I’m trying not to huddle in terror in the corner of my room, clutching my Trolls lunchbox and crying.

Or something like that.

And it’s not that elementary school was bad. Because it wasn’t. It ROCKED. There was recess, stories read after lunch, tons of things to do that didn’t involve biology or algebra or any of this complicated shit they’re trying to teach me right now. It was a regular paradise. But that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach has always been there, and the only time I get it is on mornings like this one.

I’d like someone to explain this to me, because it really doesn’t make sense. Both the being awake right now thing and the fact I feel like I’m 7 again. It’s unsettling.

Ugh.

So…4:30am I’m awaken but the ending of a dream–running through a big party/main event shindig being told by my friend (Robert) that I’m not allowed to leave the venue through the back entrance, followed an annoying scene of sorority girls going on a trip and bickering with each other–and I couldn’t fall asleep.

I attempted to fall back asleep after a glass of tea and a trip to the bathroom. Then thoughts started flooding my head–football game/Ambassador events, Christmas shopping, MGMT3202 group presentation, what am I going to wear to Wednesday’s Ambassador meeting, visiting my friends, Jess and Dana, in Indiana, spring break, summer school, cruise vacation with Kristen, finding a boyfriend, coming out to my parents…the damn list goes on–and sleep just wasn’t going to happen anymore.

So…I turned on the computer and caught up on some current events (thanks Yahoo! News). The suicide of German soccer player Robert Enke caught my attention so I read that. Somehow, that triggered in the depths of my brain my 2nd obsession (Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen wins 1st place): DAVID BECKHAM. So I started looking up things on this gorgeous British. (PS – Armani, excellent model choice!) That lead to me come across other hot athletes (like openly gay Aussie-diving cutie Matthew Mitcham).

But I think the zinger of themornign was the picture I found of Kellan Lutz (who plays Emmett Cullen in the Twilight Saga movies). Now, I’m faithful to Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward Cullen), but hot damn this picture IS fucking sexy.

Again…*I’m all about Robert Pattinson/die-hard Team Edward*, but good gracious! With that being said, and the fact that the sun is rising @ 6:46am at 646 Birchwood Drive, I’m ending it here. Enjoy the blog, enjoy that hotass picture, and goodbye.

I feel very bitch/babble/rant tonight. Awake, as always. Ok, my spacebar isn’t cooperating. That just pisses me off. Lets start there…

I keep seeing commercials for these $1.95 home phone services. I personally know they’re federally/state/government funded. (No bitching please, I’m not sure which, just covering all bases.) So…we have gov funding for a phone….if I have a heart attack, or fall down some stairs, or get stabbed by an illegal, I HAVE A PHONE, I CAN CALL FOR HELP!!! But I will GO BROKE and BE IN DEBT FOREVER from the medical bills resulting from any of the above happenings. A couple of years ago, I ran out of insulin, had no way to get more, so I had a friend take me to the ER. I was admitted, treated, told I was in really shitty shape. Ketoacidosis. I was pretty far gone, hours, not days, from shutting down. Ok, dying. It’s happened to me a few times, mostly due to total denial about my diabetes and hating it a lot. But, this last time, it was just a case of, I couldn’t get any insulin. Not true, I could have asked someone for money. But, new in town, trying to be independent and take care of myself and my kids….beg for money from people I’ve known maybe a month. Um, no. I know, I know. Fuckin dumb. So, I was in the ER for half a day, they wanted to admit me and keep me overnight at least. But, no one was home with my kids, and I had a job interview the next morning. So I left, against advice, with some insulin. Now I have a bill for almost $6K. Which has gone to a really buff collections agency, with a very intimidating reputation. Well, they can’t garnish wages I don’t have.

So, in summary:

I owe thousands of dollars. Because I’m foolish, but I didn’t want to die. Still don’t. I am making sacrifices elsewhere now, so I can take a bit better care of myself. Buy test strips, check my blood sugars, all that jazz. But I still haven’t had an actual medical exam or any kind of medical care in about 4 years. Do-It-Yourself Diabetes. I’ve been planning on making a sign, for any more Health Care Reform rallies I go to. Just, “Pre-Existing Condition, I can’t wait for reform.” Saw one like that somewhere. I’d like to simplify the wording. It’s a hard thing to express. Like telling people about domestic violence you’ve been through. Even if someone has had a similar experience and empathizes, no one can ever really understand what you’ve been through. I think that goes for many people, many situations, all heartbreaks.

I’m so tired of faking it, acting like it’s ok, I’m on top of it, not worried, don’t need a doctor. I am terrified. Really truly scared to death and blocking it out every minute of every day. I’ll give up my phone, my cellphone, the icemaker in my fridge. Just let me have a doctor I can afford.

i just want sleep

Last time I wrote about oversleeping. Now, I am unable to sleep.

Yep! This, for the nth time, is one of those days were sleep evades me. I have tried everything. From counting sheep to singing myself a lullaby. Nothing seems to work. I should be sleeping in this late hour but look!

Wikipedia enumerates a considerably long list of possible causes of insomnia. For a night shifter like me, at the top of the list is disturbances of the circadian rhythm or shift work, which can cause an inability to sleep at some times of the day and excessive sleepiness at other times of the day. Now that makes sense.

Second on the list is poor sleep hygiene or noise. Well, it’s really hard to sleep when there’s some carpentry work going on outside.

Can you guess the third one? Insomnia is also seen in individuals who have long hours of computer surfing. Okay, that’s settled.

Right. Lemme try one last-ditch attempt at this.

perginya seorang teman
membawa segumpal harapan
tiada pernah terkirakan
begitu cepat semua ditinggalkan

perlahanlahan datang,
maut yang datang menjelang

perginya seorang sahabat
yang belum sempat terjabat
genggam tangan dengan erat
karena pergi terlalu cepat

perlahanlahan pasti,
maut datang menghampiri

apakah mereka bahagia; tinggal dalam sebuah buku; berdebar menunggu datang rayap; menahan dingin dalam lembab; terganggu dengan jamur yang tumbuh; sesak napas karena bau apak; dan sekarang, hangus terbakar oleh api.

apakah mereka bahagia; merobek dan membakar buku; tak sepaham dengan isi bahkan sampulnya, saja; mungkin telah buta hati mereka; hingga menjadi pendek akalnya; atau membakarnya hanya, karena; mereka tak bisa membaca!

I am so tired. There are no words. There is no effort to create words in blog-post-form.

Someday…

Tonight I started and completed two poems, (yays!) but then made the mistake of letting my little brother read one.

In his defense, it is a bit creepy, and if you didn’t know me, you’d think I was either extremely emo, or had some issues of the… crazy sort. However, little brother does know me, so instead he just made fun of it, (though probably thinking I had become extremely emo since the few hours he had left the house).

I have not. I just wrote something. I was really happy about it too. It’s not written from my point of view, it’s written from someone else’s. Not to sound like there are voices in my head, (just mine, I promise, mentally saying things before I say them aloud and stuff), but I wrote it as someone else. It had nothing to do with me. And to be honest, I actually thought it was good, which is a rare thing. But then little brother had to start singing the words in a deep opera-like voice, and it seems kind of cheap now.

But I wrote it. And then I wrote another. I’m writing poems again.

The thing is, I never show people my poems. Just my best friend (and number 1 [only] reader!), and that’s pretty much it. I never show my family because that’d be weird, and I never show my other friends because, well, then they’d see my poems. I’ve had plenty of years of crappy friendship experience to know that I am not up for that kind of vulnerability.

It’s about 3:20 in the morning, my brian is frying. But I wrote two poems tonight.

Two.

I didn’t sleep well last night.  Might have had something to do with the 3 bottles of wine BB and I drank, ya think? I also could not turn my mind off.  I have to stop this behavior.  And by behavior I mean what is happening with me and MM.  Actually for the last couple days it’s pretty much been one-sided with me sending out random emails, texts and yep I even left a VM.  The holidays fuck me up.  Every year the holidays fuck me up.  My usual calm collected self becomes slightly crazy.  I am embarrassed.  I know better than this. I know how to cope with this I just didn’t do well the last couple days.  Today is a new day.  Work, tanning, running, helping my friends niece, dinner and bed.  No drinks, other than coffee, today.  Get it together.  I will.

Jane’s Addiction is stuck in my craw this morning – wish I was ocean sized. No one moves you, no one tries…

I went and looked at rooms today. I didn’t really anticipate how long it was going to take to get them ready, and it is 2 to 3 weeks. In the meantime, I will work something out. Although I was initially apprehensive, I got through it. Put one foot in front of the other TO GET THERE.

Time constraints.

Added Later:

Tonight was excruciatingly painful. I called MG and had a good cry while I recounted the events of the evening.

When he said, “I love you. Watching you talk to other people.” It was so easy for me to slip back into that role. Entertaining wife, diplomat’s daughter. It’s what I do. It would’ve been just as easy, at that moment, for me to slip back into his arms, and his life.

As I sat next to him and was close enough to see those 15 pounds he’d melted away, the hollowness of his cheekbones and around his eyes – my heart ached. I thought how easy it would be to crawl into my bed and my house and pretend this was all a bad dream.

There is something BIG stopping me, though. Some internal siren that is freezing me in my tracks when I think I should just go back.

I find so much of his language searching, accusatory. I feel naked right away. Stripped away and vulnerable and out of control, careening toward emotional overload right away.

I don’t have enough happy for two.

Enough love for the whole damn world, but only enough happy for one.

Tonight he said he didn’t know that so many of his words stuck with me for so long. To me this was…inconceivable. Well, incomprehensible. It left me fumbling for comprehension. Something, anything, as I struggled for any appropriate response. He mentioned that I didn’t forgive him.

I argued, angrily, that I did. saying that I didn’t FORGET. Internally, I don’t know if there is a difference. I filed these things away, trying to use them to help me be a better wife. Somewhere along the way, I just gave up.

I know there are fights, arguments, bumps. I am not naive. Do you put your whole self in to get LOST?

When do you (and by you, I mean ME) get to STOP?

Tonight the top bandage came off my incision/stitches. No wonder it hurts so f’n bad….look at it???

So, not only do you get some funky gore…but there is Miss Kimsterann without any makeup. Ahhh, the double HORROR!!!

I’d like to say I’m doing better, but I’m really not. At least I have some amazing Turkey Day leftovers to enjoy that my mom made. It was all so delicious. I was a crabby bitch all day, slept and kept to myself. I’m scared of the possibility of cancer. I’m mad at the people who are supposed to be my family. I hurt so bad and feel so awful. I’m just a mess…

But I slept all day…so I’m kinda looking forward to a nice bath, catching up on FaceBook some and playing silly “YoVille” and having some leftovers while watching cable or a DVD. I like the nightlife, I like to boogie ;c)~

(((HUGS)))

Thursday nights are something special.

It is my experience that people are most relaxed on Thursday nights if they know that the ensuing Friday is going to be smooth sailing and thus it de facto feels quite like a holiday.

It is how I feel right now. Almost completely care free with a slight smidgen of bliss.

However, last Thursday this kind of prosperity did not seem to be occurring soon. I had an exam the following day. I had studied for it roughly the whole week and I was largely insecure about my knowledge and even more so of my chances of passing the exam. What happened was that the fear of failing kept me from falling asleep as the situation was quite stressful for me. This is what happened:

#1 Tried to go to sleep at half midnight. I wanted to go sooner but instead I read some more notes.

#2 Got up at something to midnight and ended up studying until something after 1 am and then I tried going to bed again.

#3 Tried to fall asleep until 2 am, tried counting sheep, numbers, got a cup of warm milk, ended up doing absolutely nothing in my bed for about an hour trying to genuinely think about nothing (if any of you tried that you know it’s a lost cause as to try anything at that point because you are doomed to fail – the situation you’re in is simply too absurd as soon as you seek redemption in contradictory logic).

#4 So I got up and sat down behind my computer because I knew that it would be easier to stay up for 3 more hours behind flashing images on the screen than going to bed and probably not even getting up in time for the exam which was at 7 in the morning.

#5 And yes, I got up from behind my laptop at 5 to get ready and almost accomplished falling asleep under the shower.

I was amongst the first students there. In the hall in front of the classroom staring at the beautiful ceiling for another half hour.

I got the grade from the exam this week. I passed it quite well, as I had anticipated after seeing the exam. It was too easy- Meaning I got all worked up over nothing.

And I am writing about it toda-night because it is exactly one week from when I failed to fall asleep.

If anyone has any input on the matter of stress, stress relief, anxiety, insomnia or just enjoys sharing experiences, feel free to comment.

I am going to bed.

The fact that I might have more exams coming up next month definitely may have something to do with it.

An ocean of time will pass before I will be walking in the park of Care Free Thursdays as it seems I’m not yet fit for that blend of tea.

Got a monkey on my back
M-M-Monkey on my back back back back
Gonna change my ways tonight
Nobody’s fault but mine

Nobody’s Fault But Mine – Led Zeppelin

I didn’t think I could get much more exhausted than I was yesterday – wrong. I squished everything into today, thinking surely i’d get a decent nights sleep being that tired. WRONG again.

I feel like my eyes are burning into my face, slowly making their way to the back of my head. It feels like if I look at someone my burning hot eyes will shoot out red hot laser beams and start all kinds of chaos. I can’t be assed dealing with that, I have no time for homicide investigations. Unfortunately I lost my sunnies at the Rosemount and am going to have to look at people. Alright, it’s going to hurt me more than them.

My head feels like it’s going to implode, being pummeled from every direction. Yes, I’ve had the most bigass coffee you’ve ever seen this morning, I think it’s just going to make me more insane, trip over more often than usual and break stuff i’ll have to pay for – myself first most likely. It’s now time to go out and face the music, and sunlight. Thankgod it’s not going to be hot because if I have to listen to cicadas today..

I went to bed really damned late and still couldn’t sleep. Awake is the new sleep i’m thinking. The prospect of sleep is just there to taunt me.

Fuck you, Sandman.

Many stories abound about how the tryptophan in turkey or a glass of milk before bed will help you sleep.  Is this true or not?  Let’s look at the information.

Tryptophan is an amino acid found in foods.  Many amino acids combine to make a protein.  These proteins are then digested and broken down into the amino acids.  Amino acids are carried by the blood throughout the body.  When we think about sleep, the important organ is the brain.  There is a “blood-brain barrier,”  which substances in the blood need to be transported across.  Tryptophan uses the same transporter as several other amino acids.  If those amino acids are in the blood at the same time, they will compete with tryptophan, so less tryptophan will cross into the brain.

Why is tryptophan relevant to sleep?

Several of the neurotransmitters (brain chemicals) of sleep rely on tryptophan for their production.  Among these are serotonin and melatonin.  Melatonin has been discussed in other blog posts here.  Increasing tryptophan by taking tryptophan supplements does help treat insomnia.  These supplements provide higher doses of tryptophan than can be found in food.  Cottage cheese has the most tryptophan per serving, at 400mg tryptophan in 1 cup.  A 3oz serving of turkey provides 283mg of trytophan, and 1 cup of milk 110mg.

Does the tryptophan in our Thanksgiving turkey help sleep?

Thinking about the tryptophan basics we first discussed above, the tryptophan in turkey probably doesn’t help you sleep.  This is because there are other amino acids in the turkey, some of which may compete with tryptophan to be taken into the brain.  That said, enjoy the sleepy reverie that often follows the Thanksgiving feast!

Breakfast-not later than 7 am,Lunch-not later than 1 pm,Dinner-not later than 10 pm.
Breakfast must be heavy;avoid drinking water during meals.Fill the stomach half part,1/4 water,leave 1/4 empty.Avoid oil in breakfast.
Lunch must have leafy vegetables,nothing should be deep fried,oil to be used minimally,use spice rarely,drink butter milk,minimal use of meat and root vegetables.
Dinner-avoid milk products and curds and desserts like ice cream.
Do not engage in conversation while eating.( Source;Indian food habits as per Smriti)
Take fruits in empty stomach.
ScienceDaily (Nov. 26, 2009) — When you eat may be just as vital to your health as what you eat, found researchers at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies. Their experiments in mice revealed that the daily waxing and waning of thousands of genes in the liver — the body’s metabolic clearinghouse — is mostly controlled by food intake and not by the body’s circadian clock as conventional wisdom had it.
See Also:

“If feeding time determines the activity of a large number of genes completely independent of the circadian clock, when you eat and fast each day will have a huge impact on your metabolism,” says the study’s leader Satchidananda (Satchin) Panda, Ph.D., an assistant professor in the Regulatory Biology Laboratory.
The Salk researchers’ findings, which will be published in a forthcoming issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, could explain why shift workers are unusually prone to metabolic syndrome, diabetes, high cholesterol levels and obesity.
“We believe that it is not shift work per se that wreaks havoc with the body’s metabolism but changing shifts and weekends, when workers switch back to a regular day-night cycle,” says Panda.
In mammals, the circadian timing system is composed of a central circadian clock in the brain and subsidiary oscillators in most peripheral tissues. The master clock in the brain is set by light and determines the overall diurnal or nocturnal preference of an animal, including sleep-wake cycles and feeding behavior. The clocks in peripheral organs are largely insensitive to changes in the light regime. Instead, their phase and amplitude are affected by many factors including feeding time.
The clocks themselves keep time through the fall and rise of gene activity on a roughly 24-hour schedule that anticipates environmental changes and adapts many of the body’s physiological function to the appropriate time of day.
“The liver oscillator in particular helps the organism to adapt to a daily pattern of food availability by temporally tuning the activity of thousands of genes regulating metabolism and physiology,” says Panda. “This regulation is very important, since the absence of a robust circadian clock predisposes the organism to various metabolic dysfunctions and diseases.”
Despite its importance, it wasn’t clear whether the circadian rhythms in hepatic transcription were solely controlled by the liver clock in anticipation of food or responded to actual food intake.
To investigate how much influence rhythmic food intake exerts over the hepatic circadian oscillator, graduate student and first author Christopher Vollmers put normal and clock-deficient mice on strictly controlled feeding and fasting schedules while monitoring gene expression across the whole genome.
He found that putting mice on a strict 8-hour feeding/16-hour fasting schedule restored the circadian transcription pattern of most metabolic genes in the liver of mice without a circadian clock. Conversely, during prolonged fasting, only a small subset of genes continued to be transcribed in a circadian pattern even with a functional circadian clock present.
“Food-induced transcription functions like a metabolic sand timer that runs for 24 hours and is continually reset by the feeding schedule while the central circadian clock is driven by self-sustaining rhythms that help us anticipate food, based on our usual eating schedule,” says Vollmers. “But in the real world we don’t eat at the same time every day and it makes perfect sense to increase the activity of metabolic genes when you need them the most.”
For example, genes that encode enzymes needed to break down sugars rise immediately after a meal, while the activity of genes encoding enzymes needed to break down fat is highest when we fast. Consequently a clearly defined daily feeding schedule puts the enzymes of metabolism in shift work and optimizes burning of sugar and fat.
“Our study represents a seminal shift in how we think about circadian cycles,” says Panda. “The circadian clock is no longer the sole driver of rhythms in gene function, instead the phase and amplitude of rhythmic gene function in the liver is determined by feeding and fasting periods — the more defined they are, the more robust the oscillations become.”
While the importance of robust metabolic rhythms for our health has been demonstrated by shift workers’ increased risk of developing metabolic syndrome, the underlying molecular reasons are still unclear. Panda speculates that the oscillations serve one big purpose: to separate incompatible processes, such as the generation of DNA-damaging reactive oxygen species and DNA replication.
Panda, for one, has stopped eating between 8 pm and 8 am and says he feels great. “I even lost weight, although I eat whatever I want during the day,” he says.
Researchers who also contributed the work include postdoctoral researcher Luciano DiTacchio, Ph.D., graduate students Sandhyarani Pulivarthy and Shubhrox Gill, as well as research assistant Hiep Le, all in the Regulatory Biology Laboratory.
The work was funded in part by the National Institutes of Health and the Pew Scholars
Story Source:
Adapted from materials provided by Salk Institute.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091125094321.htm

I am ridiculously awake given that I haven’t slept AT ALL in 2+1/2 days.  But it’s all good, it’s alright. Unfortunately due to the total of 5 hours that I’ve slept since Sunday today I gave in to the small (rolled and packed) pleasures of life . I love coffee too and it’s just not the same without. I’ll stop eating and save some money…

Turns out that there was a virus that GG sent me, good thing I have recently learned not to invest my time in things that are not worth it. No bad joke, confidence in human beings (or what’s left of it)  still here.

Spent almost 3 hours this morning organizing my music..alphabetically. Next step..by genres..but that’s gonna take days…good timing since I got myself a 4-day weekend with Thanksgiving…

Today I’m feeling even more altruistic than usual so…you get 2 videos. Enjoy!

LATER EDIT : Decided to use the money I had for painting my room for a greater good: of me getting my tattoo. Good decision, it turned out great !

I hate those nights when I lie awake staring into the darkness with my heart pounding so loud I can hear the blood pulsing in my ears. It usually means I had too much sugar to eat too close to bedtime – tonight, I blame the insomnia on my own homemade pumpkin pie (which was totally worth the crash in insulin levels that I am now experiencing).

Why is it that nighttime is usually the only time we take to pause and evaluate the state of our lives? I suppose it’s the only time most of us stop running around doing the important business that life requires, but still – it’s awfully inconvenient. Nighttime is for sleeping, not self-reflecting. Yet my brain won’t let me sleep.

A couple of thoughts are bothering me this particular night:

Every time I return to my hometown, I’m instantly struck with loneliness as I realize that I really don’t have any friends here anymore. I did, once. I had friends in high school – I certainly wasn’t popular, but what’s popular when your graduating class is only around 150 people? But as soon as college struck, they all but dissipated. Is it my fault? Theirs? Is it just the natural course of growing older? I’m not sure. I know quite a few people who love going home because their social schedules are instantly filled with catch-up visits with old friends. When I go home, I sit by my fireplace and read and watch movies with my mom and my brother.

Does that make me a loser?

The thing is, I have the most wonderful best friend in the entire world – better than anyone could ask for. I’ve known him about 9 years now, and we’ll be soul mates for life. And he’s more than enough to satisfy my back-home friend needs.

But still… when he’s not around, I’m not going to any parties. I’m not having lunch with anyone. I don’t even have anyone to call. I just get to sit and wonder what I did wrong, because I seem to have lost anyone I used to know in this dusty old town.

Along the line of parties… I don’t get them. I like parties every now and then, with people I know, but I’ve just never been a big party-er. I don’t like to drink, I don’t do drugs, and the claustrophobic superficiality of most large parties makes me want to cry to the heavens for the Gatsby-esque loneliness that encompasses me. Maybe that’s part of the reason why I don’t like them – it’s difficult for me to feel really close to anyone. Part of it has to do with the barriers I throw up, wishing to save others from the ill fate of having to know the truths that reside within me. And part of it has to do with the fact that I just don’t think most people are genuine. I don’t want to have anything to do with someone who can’t look me in the eye and be real. I guess friendly frivolities aren’t my thing. So why do I belabor the fact that I feel so disconnected?

Also, I don’t understand drunk hook-ups. Everyone’s had them, I know. And I’m not being judgmental here, I’m just trying to understand them. Because I really don’t get how they happen. I’ve only made out with someone whilst drunk once, and I instantly regretted it. I felt vile and disgusting, and all I did was kiss the guy. I just hated the fact that he wouldn’t be able to pick me out in a line of girls. I meant nothing to him, nor he to me, and I found that revolting. I suppose the fact that it was the worst, sloppiest kiss of my life doesn’t help support the cause. But I made a vow – never again. I’m too valuable to sell myself so cheaply.

Ha. I just reread that last sentence. I sound like a prude, or a snob, or just utterly self-absorbed. Why am I so self-important that I feel like a kiss from me has to be earned?

I recently heard a story about a girl who was willing to give up her virginity to someone who was drunk. And that just made me sad. Sex is great, people – trust me, I’m a big fan. But again, I think the boy should be able to remember it. He should know that he’s the luckiest boy on the planet to even be looking at you.

On a totally random side note, in two days I will be 22 years old. And I will be celebrating my birthday at home, with only my mom, brother, and best friend beside me. And I will be up at four a.m. doing Black Friday shopping. I hate my birth date and the fact that everyone disappears around Thanksgiving. Thankfully all my best friends in L.A. showered me with love before we left, and for them I am incredibly grateful. Even if I feel lost here, I know that I’ve made a new home for myself out there, with people that really matter to me.

Lastly, I have the background vocals from Pink’s ridiculously catchy song Please Don’t Leave Me stuck in my head, and I blame them in large part for keeping me awake.

Ba da da, ba da da – DA da da da da.

It’s almost three o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep so I thought I would let the world know of my dilemma.

How do you force yourself to sleep…is there such a thing? Because forcing yourself to do anything requires energy and focus, and these two things are not necessarily conducive to rest and relaxation, which I would assume would naturally lead you to sleep…

Ugh! All I know is that tomorrow is going to be a great day and I’m looking forward to it.  The sooner I fall asleep, the faster it’ll arrive.

Any ideas on how I can help myself fall asleep?

…when I know there’s a large-ish spider running around my room?

I spied him twice, (On my bed!) but couldn’t get to him fast enough to scoop him up and take him outdoors, where he belongs. Which means that instead of dreaming and slumbering, I’ll be imagining that every breeze or hair wisp is that arachnid climbing around on my face.

At least I can tell it isn’t poisonous. Its cream colored with beige spots. If it weren’t in my room, I’d probably think it pretty.