I’ve been thinking this morning about what it means to me to be Madam’s WHORE.  This is what being Madam’s dirty little whore means to me.

Wholehearted!
Honest!
Obedient!
Respectful!
Enthusiastic!

Wholehearted.  I serve Madam P with every single particle of my being.  If there’s anything I’m holding back in service to Madam, I’m unaware of it.  I vow to cooperate with Madam’s intention to seek out and correct every last vestige of resistance wherever it exists within me.  For so long as it pleases Madam P, I am determined to apply myself to the fullest extent of my capability to surrender everything that I am to the fulfillment of Madam’s desires.  I want to embody pure service.  Serving Madam P brings me indescribable joy, and to the extent that my service brings Madam P joy, I will push myself to surrender with my whole heart to Madam P’s training and guidance.  I have absolute faith that Madam loves me and has my best interests at heart.  Madam’s word becomes my law.

Honest.  Madam P cannot train me unless she knows what’s going on with me.  I WANT Madam’s training.  I WANT to follow Madam’s lead.  I WANT Madam to take control of my heart and soul.  Surrender to Madam is the single most joyful experience I’ve ever known in this life.  I WANT it, I WANT it, I WANT IT!  When Madam points at the floor and says “Down” I want to get down without a thought.  When Madam tells me to get in my cage, I want there to be no question in my mind, in my heart or on my lips; I want to say, “Yes Madam” and crawl straight away into my cage.  The experience is joy; it’s bliss.  And it pleases Madam to have so much loving control over me, and being pleasing to Madam is most joyful of all.  I really don’t want to hide anything from Madam.  I want her to have all the information she needs to take care of her pet and her household as she sees fit.  And I want what Madam wants.  Dishonesty can only deny me the fulfillment of all I crave in this life… to serve Madam.  I hope that Madam never lets me get away with it.

Obedient.  Obedience is the cornerstone of who I long to be for Madam P.  Madam and I have been married for a long time, and for a long time Madam has put up with my moods, my periodic emotional withdrawal, my teasing, my intellectual superiority complex, and my smart ass non-answers to every question.  I can hardly believe that Madam put up with me all that time.  That Madam stayed and put up with my moodiness in the first years of our marriage is an amazing indicator of the depth of her love for me, her pet.  Well, Madam P has taken charge.  Moodiness and smart ass answers are no longer an option.  Madam is serious and cuts me no slack when it comes to punishing bad behavior.  At the first sign of emotional withdrawal or smart ass wise cracks Madam has been kind enough to offer me a warning to check my behavior.  I’ve noticed that as Madam’s tolerance for bad behavior gets smaller, I’m more likely to find myself over her knee having my ass spanked red, or chained and gagged in my cage for an hour rather than being warned.  I see the trend that fewer warnings and more ass beatings are in my future unless I get my reflexive disobedience out of my system.  The truth is that as Madam’s increasing obedience training has its effect on my personality, I like myself more and more.  In fact, I’m beginning to love myself.  Madam’s training is making me sweeter, more loving, more communicative, more respectful, more helpful, more open, and a whole lot happier.  I’m so, so grateful that Madam is taking her pet’s obedience training seriously; I love to love myself.  Thank you Madam for this greatest of all gifts!

Respectful.  I’ve surrendered my will into Madam P’s loving care.  Madam has taken on a big responsibility, and I’m extremely grateful to her.  Madam has earned my respect.  Madam deserves my respect.  In fact, Madam has put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people in her life; there’s no question that Madam has earned the utmost respect.  I don’t blame Madam in the least when she chooses to punish severely the least sign of disrespect.  In fact, Madam’s expectation and demand for absolute respect makes me want to lavish her even more with my respect and adoration.  It doesn’t matter that I think I’m being funny or cute, if Madam feels I’m being disrespectful, then I want to know about it.  If Madam feels that I should be punished so that I’ll remember next time, however slight I may think the infraction is, then I honor her for that.  I want Madam to know and FEEL how much she’s respected at all times.  With Madam’s loving guidance and strict training, I look forward to the day that Madam feels bathed, all day every day, in my love, adoration and respect for her.

Enthusiastic.  My enthusiasm to submit to Madam’s will is very difficult for me to put into words.  Madam P’s absolute control of me all day every day keeps me in a heightened state of love, joy, sexiness, desire, passion, gratitude, happiness, etc.  The fact that complete submission to Madam’s every desire feels so good ALL THE TIME is my inarguable proof of the rightness of what it is that we do.  I have no doubt.  I have no hesitation.  I’m as clear and as certain of my submission to Madam P as I am committed to our love and our marriage.  This love, this marriage, this submission is the bond that cannot be broken.  My commitment and enthusiasm to serve Madam for as long as she will allow me to has no equal.  This absolute surrender to Madam’s will is Holy and Divine; I feel the truth of it in my JOY.  My faith in Madam P to look out for my best interests and to care for my well being as she would her own is the kind of faith that moves mountains.  Is there anything in all the Universe that is more pure than that?

Madam’s loving whore

Yesterday when I got home from work, I had barely walked in the door and hung my coat in the closet when Madam called me into her office.  There was Madam sitting at her desk, absent mindedly playing a computer video game.  She pointed to the floor beside her and said, “I want you to sit here beside me.”  I didn’t ask why.  I didn’t whine that I just walked in from work and want to do this or that.  I didn’t drag my feet or heave a sigh.  With a glad heart I said, “Yes Madam” and I took my place on the floor at Madam’s feet.  As I sat there listening to the music coming from Madam’s computer game, with my head resting on Madam’s lap, I allowed every single fragment of my awareness to focus on Madam.  I let my entire being go; I held nothing in reserve.  I thought no thoughts.  I desired nothing except one single thing: to be pleasing to Madam.  In that pure moment frozen in time, everything inside of me became pure bliss, flowing through me into Madam.

That moment, sitting on the floor at Madam’s feet listening to her play a video game, is the pure essence of what it is that I get out of being Madam’s consensual slave.  Everything it is that we do comes down to one pure experience for me: the experience of being obedient.  I’m discovering that nothing charges my battery like the experience of being obedient to Madam’s every request.  Being obedient fills me with joy, bliss and peace.  Obedience turns me on, gets me white hot with sexual desire and keeps me there without end.  Every bit of slave training from this point forward, I now understand, is really just obedience training.  (That is to say, that’s what it’s about for me; I can’t speak for Madam’s experience.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a total pervert.  I still like a good beating and endorphin rush; I’m still a total humiliation whore.  I still love sensory deprivation and being tied up for hours at a time.  But nothing feeds my soul or reaches the core of who I am like an opportunity to demonstrate my obedience to Madam.

Now here’s a confession, something that I feel bad about.  Last night Madam P gave me a HUGE opportunity to demonstrate my absolute obedience and I totally disobeyed her.  Here’s what happened.  First let me just say that I don’t like bugs.  Okay, I tend to be kind of terrified of bugs.  So, there was this creepy beetle thing on the ceiling.  Madam courageously climbed onto a chair as I stood behind her to make sure she didn’t fall, and she tried to grab the beetle with a tissue.  Well, the beetle broke free and jumped for it.  Before the bug had a chance to run away across the floor, I stomped the life out of the bastard.  Madam then picked up the beetle with the tissue she still held in her hand and she told me to eat the beetle.  (Did I mention that I’m vegetarian and have been for nearly 24 years?)  What I absolutely, positively should have done is to tip my head back and open my mouth and wait for Madam to decide what she was going to do.  I should have trusted and obeyed.  Instead I stood there staring at Madam, not sure whether to believe the seriousness of her request (Madam is also vegetarian), while in my mind I weighed the gravity of simply refusing and accepting whatever punishment Madam deemed just.  Madam P totally let me off the hook, laughed and took the bug to the trash.  I was a little upset and shaken, not so much because Madam told me to eat the bug, but because I realized that I’m not trained nearly well enough to trust and obey when told to do something I really, really don’t want to do (like eat a bug.)  I feel bad about that.

I look forward to the day that Madam has me trained so well that I completely surrender when she tells me to do something that I really, really DO NOT WANT TO DO, whether she actually intends for me to follow through our not.  I desire to be so well trained that I just open my mouth and close my eyes and wait for Madam to decide how serious she is in such a circumstance.  I’m sorry I failed you last night, Madam P.

Missy

Even though it feels like it’s been ages, it’s actually only been 5 or 6 months since Madam P and I signed our first power exchange contract.  That was a momentous event for us.  Madam and I had been experimenting with power and pain play for a long time, but we couldn’t seem to find a dynamic that felt right for both of us.  Somehow signing a contract that clearly laid out what we could expect of each other as Madam and slave suddenly made the whole dynamic come into focus and we’ve been growing and evolving into joyful consensual slavery every since. 

That first contract we signed specified a date that our total power exchange began, and a date that the contract ended.  We started with 2 weeks, then 4 weeks, then 8 weeks, etc.  Each time the end date for our current contract came due, Madam and I eagerly jumped right in and signed a new contract with little or no hesitation or negotiation.  With the clarity of our contract spelled out (and we do refer back to it from time to time, mostly to verify the specific terms of surrender that I agreed to), Madam and I have both felt free to submerse ourselves completely, 24/7, into the life of Slave Owner and slave.  And it has been a beautiful experience. 

Lately I’ve been feeling more and more hungry to surrender every bit of my being to Madam’s control.  I’ve been hungry to give everything to Madam, holding nothing back.  I guess I felt a little concerned that I was asking too much of Madam P, wanting her to accept full responsibility for her slave girl.  (Not that I expect Madam to become a micro-manager, asking her to grant permission every time I need to pee… unless that’s what SHE wants; still, absolute authority over another human being who has surrendered her everything to you could be seen as a pretty big responsibility to some people.)  So when our most recent contract ended on January 3rd, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I sent the following cell phone text message to Madam P:

“Hi Madam.  I think my New Year’s resolution is to sign an open ended contract with my Owner, that is, a contract with no end date (with my Owner’s permission.)”

Madam’s immediate text message response was:

“How we think alike, my filthy slut!  I want the same thing.  We will sign the contract this evening and celebrate with a sexy spanking!”

So yesterday after work Madam P and I signed a permanent contract.  I now officially belong to Madam P, mind, body and soul.  I am her property, her pain toy, Madam’s screaming whore.  From now on I live and breathe to please Madam P.  Everything that is mine or ever will be mine belongs to Madam.  By my absolute consent and agreement, I only enjoy those rights and privileges that Madam allows me, from now on.  I do as I’m told.  I eat what I’m given.  And I’ve never been happier in my life.

At face value, signing a contract that essentially surrenders my will to Madam P’s control and pleasure for the rest of my life might not seem like a huge change over our previous total surrender contracts that only lasted for weeks or months.  Let me tell you though, this is a huge change.  I can feel it inside of myself.  More significantly, I see a really big change in Madam P!

Madam possesses me.  Truly.  Madam has absolute control.  Madam can really train me now.  She doesn’t have to worry that I might not want to sign the next contract.  Madam no longer faces the periodic reminder that my consent could end at any time.  Madam P has grown in confidence as Owner of her slave girl.  Madam is unrestrained; her freedom to punish for unwanted behavior, and to withhold rewards in exchange for desired behavior is absolute.  I can see it in Madam’s eyes that she is overjoyed with the absolute power to shape her slave girl in any way she chooses.

And I feel it in my slave heart! I am so filled with pride when I look into my Owner’s eyes.  I’m so proud to be her toy, her pet, her slut, her whore.  I want to cry, fall to my knees and worship at her feet, lay bare all the beautiful and scary places of my soul for Madam to soothe or crush beneath her heal as she sees fit.  I want to crawl behind her.  I want to expose all of me.  I want to surrender to be cuddled or kicked, kissed or humiliated, used, cuffed, caged, stroked, nuzzled, loved, all at the same time.  My soul has expanded way, way beyond what my mind or body can contain anymore. 

Everything is different.  I totally believe Madam when she says that bad behavior will be punished so severely that I will never want to misbehave again.  And I feel so much gratitude towards Madam for helping me evolve into the sweet, loving, obedient person I’ve always wanted to be. 

I’m so happy!  Life will never be the same.

And yes, the celebratory spanking was sexy beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.  Really, you wouldn’t believe how creative and playful my Owner can be when it comes to dreaming up methods of restraint, sensory deprivation, sensual pain and punishment.  I’m the luckiest slave girl on the block!

Missy

My intuition tells me that you would agree, Madam P, that one of the scariest aspects of our 24/7 Total Power Exchange agreement is the role of punishment.  I mean, play is play, and play is fun.  Play is sexual.  And the thing about regular play is that it can help to keep your slave girl ever mindful of her place within your household so that punishment is rarely or never needed. 

But what do you do if and when I, your slave girl, wife and property, do something that upsets you or really pisses you off?  I can only imagine that the experience of anger, as Madam to your slave wife, within the context of our power exchange agreement must be a very scary thing…. especially given your history of living many, many years on the receiving end of irrationally angry behavior in one relationship after another.  I can imagine that the temptation must be great to simply internalize the anger, temporarily suspend within your mind the power exchange agreement, and deal with the anger as equal partners within this marriage, or even to withdraw yourself in rage.

As your slave wife, I will follow your lead regardless of how you choose to deal with anger.  My intention is simply to be very clear about what my position is on this subject.

Regardless of what’s going on in the moment, regardless of the nature of the disagreement, my submission to you is total.  I have absolute faith in you to always be fair and loving with me.  You need never fear that I will perceive you as an abuser in any way; I know you way better than that. 

Within the context of anger, a disagreement, or whatever, I will never resist your command.  A spanking, a caning, time tied to the bed, standing or kneeling in a corner, cage time, or simply stuffing something (anything) into my mouth with the command to “Leave that there” is a completely 100% valid and acceptable conclusion to any disagreement or exchange.  I won’t question or resist you.  If I feel I’m not being heard, I know that I can always come back to you later, after things have cooled down, and very respectfully ask for permission to discuss the situation calmly.

With your permission, Madam, I offer to you my absolute consent for you to rule over your household and your slave wife (me) as you see fit regardless of circumstances, emotions or events of the moment.  My trust in your love of me and your powerful desire to keep me healthy and safe, mind, body and soul, is total and absolute.

Thank you, Madam P, for your amazing gift of Ownership and Control over me.  You’ll never know how happy you have made me.

I love you!
Missy

I’ve never felt what I’m feeling today.  I’m having a great deal of difficulty putting words to what’s happening inside my slave-heart.  Madam P reached me at the core of who I was born to be, reached me at a level that I didn’t even know existed.  Last night, Madam took possession of my soul; Madam used love, and she used complete domination and abandoned playfulness, and she drew out my inner being, my inner child… Madam won over my inner child.  My inner child has never trusted another human being… until now.

I’ve been topped before.  And I’ve surrendered before.  But I’ve never been lovingly possessed, truly possessed, until now.

Madam took me in hand last night.  She stripped me naked, placed shackles on my wrists and ankles, and earplugs in my ears.  I was placed in my cage, wrists secured to the bars above my head, chain attached to my collar, threaded through the shackles around my crossed ankles, and secured to the bars at the side of the cage.  Madam blindfolded me, locked the cage door, and covered the cage with a heavy blanket.

There was something so different about the way that Madam handled me this time.  She was confident, authoritative.  Madam knew exactly what she wanted to do with me.  There was no hesitation.  Madam made no inquiry into what I wanted.  I felt, really felt, for the first time that Madam has finally come to accept me as her personal property, to love, to tease, to train, to do with what she wills.  Prior to yesterday I honestly believed that my surrender to Madam P was complete, but I’d never felt the fullness of my surrender until last night when (I believe) Madam finally accepted my full surrender for the first time.

After Madam left me like that in my cage a good long while, and after she finished tormenting me to her heart’s content (poking me with sharp objects and spraying me with ice cold liquids), Madam lead me out of the cage and ordered me to “show” (hands and feet flat on the floor, ass high in the air, legs spread open wide.)  I’d never heard so much authority in Madam’s voice as when she commanded, lips close to my still plugged ear, “Show!  Get up!”  Madam kept me in that position, screaming out loud with pain and ecstasy but not daring to fall or move, for quite a while.  Then Madam did something that flipped a switch inside of my heart; I knew in a flash of insight that Madam was in total possession of my soul…. Madam grabbed the back of my knee and pushed my knees to the carpet, and then she grabbed me by the back of my neck and forced my face to the floor.  That gesture, the authority and command radiating through Madam’s tight grip directly into the base of my skull, erased all illusions that my life is my own. 

By the time Madam ended her carefully thought out training exercise last night, I knew what had just happened.  Madam has come to understand who I am; she sees me like no one ever has before.  And Madam has discovered the hidden fortress within her own heart where her dark, forbidden desires are kept hidden away, too terrible to let anyone know they are there.  I believe that Madam has discovered that my absolute submission, my total surrender is, in fact, THE KEY THAT UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO THAT FORTRESS!

My heart tells me that Madam and I have become inextricably bound, over and above the incredible love we’ve shared over the years, over and above the bonds of matrimony.  It feels as though we’ve wandered into a space from which no path of return exists.  I hope this feeling is real.  I hope that what I’m experiencing is more than some post-subspace after glow.  Wouldn’t it be nice if this feeling goes on and on, day after day, year after year, lifetime after lifetime?  Wouldn’t it be nice if my entire existence from this day forward can only be defined relative to Madam P’s existence?  I love the feeling of that thought.

Missy

I’m not really going anywhere with this.  I’m just missing the act of expressing myself in words, so I’m allowing the words to come, stream of consciousness style.  It just feels good, like eating something that tastes yummy but has no nutritional value.  That’s what this blog entry is; it’s a big bag of greasy potato chips to me.

Indulgent though this entry may be, I do have a little insight that I’d like to suss out.  It’s been several months since Madam P and I began our 24/7 total power exchange arrangement, and I’m beginning to understand a thing or 2 about the dynamic.  I believe that Madam is having fun.  I know that Madam is enjoying having more control over my bad behavior.  And I know that Madam enjoys to hear me scream, and as Madam’s play thing and complete submissive, I submit to Madam’s every whim when she feels like tweaking my nipple until I scream, or when she feels like picking up a hairbrush and paddling my butt until I scream and squirm, or when she feels like driving me to multiple screaming orgasms.  (Madam is really, really good at that last one.)  I grasp what I see and experience, and all appearances suggest that Madam is having a great time owning her whore of a wife/slave.

On my end, I find this total power exchange dynamic exhilarating, exciting, erotic, freeing, delicious… and a little mundane.  The longer Madam and I live our power exchange all day every day, the more relaxed I become with it.  I’m beginning to see that this is where it gets really, really good!  I love being Madam’s play thing, servant, whore.  I feel that there’s a settling in that’s occurring for me.  I see Madam growing into her role, easing into one exciting realization after another of what it means to be in complete control of the woman she loves.  Madam says “Lick my pussy”, and I say, “Yes Madam” and get to licking.  Madam says “Sit here at my feet where I can reach you”, and I say “Yes Madam” and move to where she can reach me.  Madam reaches into my shirt at any random moment and grabs a nipple and squeezes with all her might, and I make no move to stop her or resist and usually let out a little scream for Madam’s delight.  Last night we went out for dinner, and Madam realized that she could assert her role by having me open doors and always enter rooms behind her; it was subtle, but sweet that Madam commanded and I obeyed.  Or Saturday afternoon Madam thought it would be fun to put me in my cage with my wrists chained to the bars of the cage behind my back; it wasn’t punishment, but rather Madam was feeling playful and frisky, so she took the opportunity to have a giggle and get a little training in with her slave, just to make sure her slave girl knows her place.  Madam called me to her, put shackles on my wrists and ordered me into the cage; I did as she commanded without question and without resistance.  And by the time Madam let me out, I was so hot for her that I feared I might burst into flames.

The thing I love best about our power exchange relationship is the peace I feel in my heart most of the time.  Sometimes I feel resistant to Madam’s orders, but I still obey.  Madam is always fair and just, and she’s very attuned to the well being and needs of her slave.  Madam always provides ample time for me to work on my art, to care for my bodily needs, etc.  And even though a lot about our marriage dynamic has not changed, Madam has very wisely setup some day to day routines that keep me aware of my place as her slave-wife.  I particularly love the bedtime ritual that Madam has created, allowing me to kiss and lick her feet, undress her, and brush her hair.  Or whenever Madam is sitting on the couch, I’m trained well enough that I would no longer even dream of sitting on the couch beside her, but rather I automatically take my place on the floor at Madam’s feet so she can pet, carress and tease me as she desires. 

I know that I’m built this way; I am a born submissive.  At Madam’s feet is where I’m happiest.  Obeying Madam’s commands is what makes me happy and content.  I have a lot of years of bad habits to unlearn, all the brattiness, the smart ass remarks, the “don’t tell me what to do” attitude.  Madam is helping me to get over all of that.  Because the truth is, I’m not happy when I’m the brat, the sass mouth, and the arrogant shit.  I’m happiest when I’m being obedient, even in the most mundane, day to day settings.  I’m learning that living within a power exchange relationship isn’t all about punishment and bondage and cages and spankings and bruises and humiliation.  All those things can be fun and can have their place in helping a slave to reinforce her submissive nature within the relationship.  But the peace and the joy of a total power exchange dynamic is in the little surrenders: brushing Madam’s hair on command, relaxing into having my hair randomly pulled, simply doing what I’m told (sit here, stay there, carry this, move that…) 

Anyway, that’s what I have on my mind this morning.  I just wanted to say so.

Missy

I’ve been wearing Madam’s collar for two or three months at this point.  So far, much of my transition from the petulant, bratty, moody, sulky, out of control potential-submissive that I was, into the completely owned and controlled slave that I’m becoming has been relatively easy.  Bathing, moisturizing, putting on makeup, and getting dressed with this chain and padlock around my neck has become second nature.  Of the eight agreements I made to Madam P in our power exchange contract, I’m realizing that obedience, working against negative ego aspects, and open, honest communication have all come relatively easily; these are the agreements I’ve focused on the most in the months since I became Madam’s slave girl.  There are three agreements that I haven’t given a lot of thought to at all so far, and I think that last night’s meltdown and this blog entry have everything to do with these three agreements.  This is where total surrender starts to get harder; this is where the rubber meets the road.

Of the eight agreements in our contract, the three that I’m referring to here are agreements five, six and seven.

5. I agree to inform Madam of wants and perceived needs, recognizing that she is the sole judge of what it is that I need or how these desires shall be satisfied.

6. I agree to strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals as defined and set forth for me by Madam.

7. I agree to work with Madam to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual that She can be proud of.

In other words, I’ve agreed to ask Madam for what I think I want and need, to stay positive, to make certain that Madam is aware of what I think I need in order to excel at my art, and to let Madam know what I believe I need in order to be happy.  At first glance I was under the impression that these would be the easiest of the agreements to honor.  Sure, figure out what I want and need with regards to the things that are important to me, and let Madam P know; what could be easier?  What I’m coming to realize is that I’m not use to asking anyone for anything.  I left home when I was 15 years old; I’ve made my way in the world primarily on my own.  I’ve survived these decades by my wits and my intelligence and the sweat of my brow.  I’m coming to realize that, in my life, I’ve been loath to count on anyone for anything; I’ve been slow to trust and quick to judge others harshly. 

I love Madam P with every fiber of my being.  There is nothing I love so much as to heap adoration on her.  I love worshiping at her feet.  There is nothing, NOTHING, that Madam could ask of me that I would not do for her.  After last night’s meltdown I’m coming to realize that I’m failing Madam by not asking for the things that I feel I need.  Last night I knew that I needed time to warm up and center myself before my performance, but I didn’t share that information with Madam.  Madam had other plans of what she wanted us to do in the time prior to my performance, and I did what I thought a good slave girl is supposed to do, I blindly followed Madam’s lead, completely dismissing my own needs and not giving Madam the information or opportunity that she needed to make the best decision about how our evening was to go.

Because I failed Madam so completely, I had a meltdown, I gave a VERY poor performance, and I was moody and cranky all evening and this morning.  This is my doing; I alone disrupted Madam’s harmonious household.  I never gave Madam the opportunity to provide me with the time and resources that I needed because I’ve never learned how to ask for what I need.  And here I’ve surrendered my life, my soul and my will to the one person I trust more than I’ve ever trusted another human being.  This really is where the rubber meets the road.  This is where consensual slavehood starts to become real-life.  Learning to ask for what I want (because there is no other way I will ever again be able to have the things I need and want unless I ask for Madam’s permission) is the first HUGE barrier I’m coming up against in my evolution towards internal enslavement.

These are the growth experiences I signed up for when I handed Madam absolute control over all I am and all I have.  I am blessed beyond all expectation that Madam has agreed and accepted my gift of total submission.  I am becoming love itself.

Missy

I’ve just recently been learning about the concept of INTERNAL ENSLAVEMENT.  I’m not going to pretend to write with authority on the subject since I’ve only just begun learning about it myself.  I only bring it up because I find it extremely intriguing.

So far what I’ve learned about internal enslavement is that it’s an idea of training an erotic slave in such a way that she internalizes the experience of being owned.  In other words, the slave girl is trained to reflexively set aside her own will and replace it with the will of her Owner, whether her Owner is present or not.  Before learning about the concept of internal enslavement, I’d say that this kind of all day every day surrendering of my will to Madam P has been my heart-felt desire; I just didn’t have a vocabulary or philosophy upon which to build.  I’m excited to discover that there is a whole philosophical foundation to learn from and build upon.

Madam P and I are madly in love; I would marry her again and again everyday for the rest of my life if I could.  (I kind of like the feel of that; maybe I’ll create a sweet little ritual to perform once a day in which I have a small alter I go to where I can declare my love, devotion, fidelity, adoration and surrender to Madam P.)  Because she loves me so much, Madam goes easy on me when it comes to training.  I work hard at my job, plus I have a beloved art that I work on perfecting every day, and Madam takes very seriously her responsibility to encourage me to grow and evolve as her beloved property/pet; Madam always provides ample time for my personal development.  At the same time, Madam also has expectations and daily rituals to remind me every day that I am a most loved possession.  From what I’ve learned so far, Madam’s gentle, loving training methods are a softer, lighter form of the methods generally associated with internal enslavement.

I’ve read about extreme training methods to encourage internal enslavement, things like food control (what may or may not be eaten, when to eat, enforced fasting, calorie control), enforced bedtimes and waking times, sleep deprivation, being awakened in the night to perform sexual services, sleeping in a cage, sleeping in handcuffs, etc.  Madam has enlisted many of these methods at various times in training her slave girl, but with a lot of flexibility and tender loving care.  (I am expected to ask for permission before drinking alcohol, for instance, though I’m not sure if there are consequences if I don’t ask before drinking.)

I’m not sure where I’m going with this.  I suppose I’m simply organizing my thoughts on this new idea (new to me) of internal enslavement.  I had an interesting brush with the experience of it yesterday.  We had a meeting at work for which donuts were brought in.  After the meeting there were plenty of donuts still in the kitchen.  I couldn’t get those donuts off my mind.  At some point I got up from my desk headed to the kitchen intent on eating at least part of one of those donuts.  About half way to the kitchen the thought crossed my mind, “I should contact Madam P and ask for permission; she might not want me eating donuts today.”  I turned around and headed back towards my office to send Madam a text message; then I stopped and thought, “Sometimes it’s easier to apologize for doing wrong than it is to get permission.”  I went to the kitchen and ate half a donut… and it made me sick to my stomach for the rest of the afternoon.

That little power struggle that took place within my mind on the way to the kitchen is the beginning of internal enslavement taking hold.  I was conflicted about whether to follow my will or look to Madam P for guidance.  I feel a little bad that I chose my own will in that case over Madam’s.  (I knew there would be no consequences from Madam for following my own will; though it turned out that my stomach created consequences of its own.)

I long for the day that I wouldn’t dream of casting aside Madam’s will in order to follow my own desire.  I’m coming to consider internal enslavement my own personal goal.  Whether Madam chooses to adopt training methods to encourage this level of surrender or not, I feel certain that she will appreciate knowing that, as her property, I ALWAYS act accordingly.  Is it possible to get there on my own?  Perhaps time will tell.

Missy

Master Blackcelt's standard embossed. © Master Blackcelt and lkajira (AB, Canada) 2009

This kajira has been with Master for over a year now and it seems like just yesterday that He collared me, Master. It has been a long, sometimes challenging and wonderful road of discovery, Master. However, just as i had felt that there was no part that Master had not possessed of me, i discovered how much deeper He can go with me, Master.

Master and i have not had a sexual relationship for the many reasons discussed in other posts as this is what He wants, Master. However, this is not because He does not find me sexually attractive, Master. Over the past weeks, things have happened that have made me realize how much more of this has yet to come, Master. Master has made me wait and wait because that is His wish and i will always do what He wishes, Master. i may not understand the reasons for this waiting, but Master knows and therefore i do not question His intentions or His reasons, Master.

Master and i spend almost every day together, whether on the phone or in His presence, but usually both, Master. He wakes me up with the sound of His voice, something that i look forward to with such anticipation that it takes my breath away, Master. He calls me before work, on His breaks, on the way home and after work, Master. i call Him when i arrive home, Master. Most times i care for His child after school when she is with Him and attend to chores and anything that He needs, Master. However, domestic duties are just a small part of what i do for Him, Master.

Master has as always been very playful, teasing me and tickling me, Master. He is so strong that i cannot get away, wriggling in the pleasure that He allows me from such joyful playtimes, Master. They are innocent in many ways, but in other ways He teases me as this body is His, Master. He does not use me, but His favourite form of play is to take me by surprise, sending ice cold water down my clothed body, Master. Not so long ago this had a surprise reaction and it shocked me as i could not resist the wave of pleasure that this body experienced, Master.

This had a profound effect on me, Master. i had never experienced such sexual pleasure in such an innocent way, Master. i was suddenly shy and as hard as i tried to resist the wave of sexual pleasure that swept over this body, i could not, finally having a release that He had ensued in His presence, Master. i was fully clothed and He did not touch me physically, but what He did was so powerful that i was left breathless, Master.

This pleased Him very much and it re-triggered the red silk in me, Master. i had buried it at His will for so long, but i was being allowed to express myself to Him, even without sex or touching, Master.

The most significant event happened just in the passed day as i went about my daily work as always and spent the evening cooking and serving, Master. W/we watched O/our favourite ancient historical show off a DVD and the music was so sensual, something that filled me with desire for Master, Master. It is not that i had no desire before, but nothing like i have experienced since that allowed release, Master. i felt such tingling and the intense desire to please Him, to pleasure Him, that i found myself flirting seductively with Him, Master.

i cannot hide anything from Master, nor do i try, but out of obedience i have quelled my red silk behaviour, Master. However, He did not curb my flirtations in anyway this night, Master. He enjoyed the gentle massage of His head and His feet, but i could not help or resist admiring my Master, His whole being, Master. i know that He must have seen it in my eyes and He told me that He did not want me to stop, Master. However, as always, Master reins me in like a racehorse horse, letting me run and then pulling me back when He chooses to, Master. As i was about to start on His legs, He pulled on those reins, Master. However, this body, His possession was alive and not to satisfy my desires, though they exist, but to please Him, Master.

The power that i felt was so strong, Master. i had not been aware how much control He had over me in this area, nor had i really thought about it a great deal, Master. i had simply obeyed and served Him as those were my greatest pleasures, as well as simply being allowed to do so, Master. i learnt this night that He may not yet have taken me fully in the sexual physical sense, but He already controlled this body and it responded to Him unrelentingly, without restraint and with great passion, Master.

In my early adulthood, the desire for sex and for the final release had not been within a million miles as strong as it is now, Master. Being denied sex for so long has been one of the greatest and most challenging stages of training and gifts that He has allowed me, that i have ever experienced, Master. As He builds this in me and other aspects of my psychological being, i realized tonight that my enslavement is not just a state of mind, but now so deep, so internal that i am again humbled by His talents at Mastery, Master. His collar that i wear is just a symbol, Master. He has collared me mentally, physically and otherwise, Master. The ropes of bondage no longer exist as i am bound to Him internally, Master. i have never known such happiness, Master.

For those who do not understand it, sex is the not the most vital part of any relationship, let alone a Master and slave one, Gorean or otherwise, but being denied it until it is permitted and right in the eyes of a Master is so powerful, sensual and sexier than any sexual encounter given too early and too quickly, Master. Though i am no expert, i know that there is so much more to being a kajira than service and sex, but a final surrender that is absolute, Master. This absolute surrender is not something that can be given immediately, but is developed by Master as He entices, trains and conquers me, Master. The more i experience, the more He does to and with me, the more i learn and the more i live with the excitement of my vulnerability and the unknown heights that He will take me to for His pleasure and out of care for me as His kajira, Master. i am willingly and happily at His complete mercy, Master.

Thank You dearest Master, my Celtic Chieftain, Master:

“i am a slave girl, Master,

i obey Master because He means everything to me, Master.

i will become whatever Master chooses me to be, Master.”

Celtic round dogs in the colors of the Irish flag. © 2009 Master Blackcelt and lkajira

Master’s lkajira, Master,

Master Blackcelt’s kajira, Master

What BDSM is and not is

You can play with BDSM, you can explore it, but you can’t come to visit it like a tourist visits a country. You can’t become a member either, like in a club or a church. It’s not a party, not an organization, not a society with well defined standards. And you certainly can not say you know how everything works, because everyone has a different view of BDSM and the variety of interests, views and different takes is too big. BDSM is not a destination. As a combination of letters, it has become the most commonly used tag for everything beyond vanilla.

In the last ten years I have studied BDSM, I have learned that it is more or less a shadow of our regular, western dominated vanilla society. People with all kinds of views, living lifestyles as an alternative to their normal life, enter BDSM realms in firm belief they have found a new home, a new community of their own. But in truth, regarding sexuality, BDSM hosts just everyone who doesn’t feel home elsewhere. In the past couple of years, along with the rise of online possibilities, BDSM has become kind of a pond, collecting everyone who felt he/she was different, starting from kinky role players to people who base their life on dominance and submission.

BDSM is not a real acronym. It’s a number of letters defining a variety of things which are not all the same. Some people confuse BDSM with SM, which has little to do with D/s. SM can be a part of D/s, but it is not the same. Another thing is that most people believe BDSM is all about sexuality. Sure, it’s got to do with it. But it is not its core. The core of BDSM is dominance and submission.

If you are interested in learning some of the basic concepts BDSM combines, have a look at Wikipedia’s explanation . It’s one of the most solid and comprehensive ones out there. More good reads are listed in my blogroll to the right.

Dominance and submission

To me, control means an exchange of power. As a sub, you transfer the power to control you to your Dom or Domme, and that lets you always experience his or her control. It is invisible, but inevitably there. And yet, a Dom or Domme can not control you if you don’t want his control to happen. Power and control are something that is given, not taken.

I often read “I want him to have total control over me”. Mainly sub girls are expressing their wish to be completely controled. But what means total control? Does it mean you have no rights, no human rights, not even the slightest privacy? Does it mean you live in a cage, or have to stay at home all times? Does it mean he checks for your underwear and tells you which brand of soap to buy? Does it mean he calls every hour to see where you are and what you are doing? “Total control” is something hard to define, just because we all have a different idea of it.

So I sat down and in an attempt to define what a sub’s life looks like under my control, I started out writing down a simple list of definitions.

What control means to a Dom and his sub

What it is to me:

• Yes, I as a Dom like to have control. But it is more an eminent feeling you experience, through the way we communicate, love, live life
• Control means, your Dom can give you a certain look, he can tell you something, whisper it even, and you will know what you will have to do
• Control means, you feel home in a regulated environment, where things are clearly defined and you don’t have to worry too much
• Control means, you can trust me that he will never ask you for something you can not do
• Control means, you give him the right to decide over you, putting your needs and requirements behind his own, but that does not entitle him to abuse this right
• Control means, you know you are safe, because he protects you and he will stand up if someone does not treat you right
• Control means, no decision your Dom makes is irresponsible and out of proportion, or puts you in dangerous situations
• Control means a big responsibility for your Dom, and the more you trust your Dom, the more you will feel safe giving him total control over you

What it is not:

• Control does not work if I don’t let you take a breath alone
• Control does not work if you can not live your life, if my demands are out of range of what you’re capable of, and creating conflicts with what the rest of the world demands from you as a human being
• Control has nothing to do with removing your ability to think, to judge regular situations in daily life
• Control has nothing to do with treating you like a doormat, or disrespecting your opinions
• Control has little to do with tying a virtual leash around your neck, not letting you go anywhere, move anywhere without having to restrict your actions
• I am no control freak, checking if you put your teeth brush in the right order next to mine

There’s a lot more to the topic of control, but these are corner stones, a foundation I could not live without. I think the most important part is, that total control is not abused and not misunderstood. Many Doms don’t even consider the responsibility that comes with it. Or the amount of leadership, being in charge of virtually everything. If you ask a group of confident people who wants to be the boss, leading them, probably a few will apply for the job. But only real life situations can reveal who has true leadership in his blood. Dominance, in this regard, has a lot to do with natural leadership. You either have it, or not.