Hijab [Veil]

Aey Zindagi! Tere Hijab se ashna hum kyoun na huay
Tere Qalb mein utartay huay Khursheed say
Ja baja Hum Kyoun na huay
Humari nazroun pur purhay thay talay
Humaray qafs pur qafal yeh, ayan kyoun na huay
Yeh rishta hai deyr pa, darust ya ghalat
Jo barhtay huay sayay thay, nihaah kyoun na huay
Aey Zindagi! Teri luzzatoun mein Jo zindagi hum pa gayay
Tere rothtay huay paykur, imtahaa kyoun na huay
Teri justajo, teri arzu, teri rung-o-bu
Tere lehjay ki zurdioun say nalah , hum kyoun na huay
Aey Zindagi! Teri subz ahoun say buni yeh surgoshiaan
Rouh key mausam in ghazloun say khizaa kyoun na huay
Aey Zindagi! Tere Hijab ki Aashiqi mein Fana , hum kyoun na huay
Is nadaangi mein Deewanay hum, Naadaah kyoun na huay

by Zuellah Huma Ahmed

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حجاب

ا ے زندگی! تیرے حجاب سے آشنا ، ھم کیوں نہ ھوۓ
تیرے قلب میں اترتے ھوۓ خورشید سے
جا بجا ھم کیوں نہ ھوۓ
ھماری نظروں پر پڑھے تھے تالے
ھمارے قفس پر ، قفل یہ عیاں کیوں نہ ھوۓ
یہ رشتہ ھے دیر پا ، درست یا غلط
جو بڑھتے ھوۓ ساۓ تھے ، نہاں کیوں نہ ھوۓ
ا ے زندگی! تیری لذّتوں میں جو زندگی ھم پا گیے
تیرے روٹھے ھوۓ پیکر ، امتحاں کیوں نہ ھوۓ
تیری جستجو ، تیری آرزو ، تیری رنگ و بو
تیرے لہجے کی زردیوں سے نالاں ، ھم کیوں نہ ھوۓ
ا ے زندگی! تیری سبز آہوں سے بُنی سرگوشیاں
روح کے موسم ا ِن غزلوں سے خزاں کیوں نہ ھوۓ
ا ے زندگی! تیرے حجاب کی عاشقی میں فنا ، ھم کیوں نہ ھوۓ
اس نادانگی میں دیوانے ھم ، ناداں کیوں نہ ھوۓ

People are obsessed with productivity. We feel a huge need to GET SHIT DONE every day, making to-do lists and feeling unfulfilled if we don’t learn something new every day, or make some progress towards our life goals. I know that this is something I feel pretty regularly.

Currently I am running two jobs, trying to write a novel, learn Spanish, keep this blog going, find and write for anywhere that will have me, reading a lot, trotting off here and there and having a social life. This may or may not be a lot of to-do, but whether or not this is an overwhelming amount, I was definitely winding myself up over getting it done.

This came to a head last weekend when I realised quite how stressed I was making myself over whether or not I ‘achieved’ something each day. If life got in the way of me doing half an hour of Spanish, writing another thousand words or reading the next chapter in the time I had allotted then I got angry, worried and upset.

This is my first year out of education and external deadlines in eighteen years, and I have been worried that I will sink into a malaise and not get anything done, other than going to work and making the money I need to travel. I want to be able to look back on this year and say ‘This is the year when I learned Spanish/got published/started my website’ rather than ‘This is the year when I worked a lot and didn’t do much else but hang out with my friends’.

Last weekend I wasn’t able to do anything I had planned and this stressed me out immeasurably, panic attack style. This was enough to make me stop, and slow down.

Everything I’m trying to do this year, I am doing because I enjoy it and want to do it. There is absolutely no reason to have a panic attack over a weekend sans learning. The most important thing I should be able to look back and say is ‘That’s the year I had a really great time in Canterbury’ no matter what ‘achievements’ I manage. So, I am letting go of ‘to-do’.

Every so often I remind myself that we will naturally gravitate towards doing that which we love. I really want to learn Spanish and get this novel finished and keep this blog going and go travelling, and so those are things I will and have naturally gravitated towards doing.

I don’t necessarily do each one every single day, or even every other day, but at the moment I’m quite lucky in not having any pressing deadlines. Rather than look forward and worry that I will get distracted and won’t do what I ‘need’ to do, it’s important to look back as well, especially to realise that I have been doing these things regularly and will most likely continue to do so.

I could burn myself out, sacrifice my social life and work hard this year to reach all my goals. If the spirit takes me, I might go hermit and do that for a while. Looking at where I’m naturally gravitating at the moment, I just don’t want to put that much time into it. I’m enjoying going out with my friends and being around people. Beating myself up about not getting enough done isn’t going to change the past.

One can go two ways with becoming frustrated with how much one is or isn’t doing. Either accept that you just don’t want to put the time in right now and have fun instead of chaining yourself to your desk and sweating blood, or use your frustration and channel it into your work. After all, you’re frustrated with not working enough, so if you’re that upset, then just do it!

If you’re avoiding a task constantly and consistently though, perhaps it’s time to have a double-check whether it is something you actually want to be doing. Does it inspire you? When you think of doing it do you feel a buzz of excitement, fear or despair? Has it been undone on your to-do list for more than three months? If you haven’t got around to it in three months, it’s probably more like something you think you ought to do rather than something you actually want to. This can be anything, even something awesome fun like learning to juggle clubs. (I say awesome fun, it’s also really difficult and off-putting. I will do it though…one day.)

And so! I plan to live a more fluid life, doing things as I want to rather than because I feel I ought to, and hopefully that will lead to a calmer attitude to To-Do. However, I have noticed a pattern emerge which seems to revolve around my doing days as I want to and not using my planner, starting to use my planner more and trying to schedule in hobbies, then listing everything I need to do in a day (or feel I need to do) before I implode again and decide to live by doing what I want not what I feel I ought…so perhaps I’ll be writing on this topic in another month! I think every time the cycle cycles I learn something more though, so we’ll see how long it sticks for this time.

How do you feel about To-Do and the cult of Productivity?

Amelia

There’s nothing like the rawness of losing someone in your life. I’ve never lost anybody REALLY close. Losing my cousin was the closest I’ve ever known. We were not really close because physical and age distance kept us from ever fully getting to know one another, but I loved her deeply all the same. She was a very sweet spirited girl that I always admired. The details of her passing were known by many, but not by all, so for us, it was like losing her in an instant. We had no time to prepare because we didn’t know she was not well.

My pastor and his family were in an accident on Sunday on the freeway that spun their vehicle out of control, rounding all corners as they hit the center median repeatedly and ended up facing traffic. Someone pulled over to help guard their vehicle from oncoming traffic, but because they were on a corner, cars did not see them quickly enough, and were launched against the other guard rail on the other side of the road in an effort to miss them.

My daughter and I were in an accident the day before Thanksgiving that involved full force slamming into another vehicle. Four vehicles were involved.

Life happens in a second. Life ends in a second. My pastor and his family were fortunate and were only rattled emotionally. My daughter and I are a little bruised, and rattled emotionally. It scares me to death to contemplate how quickly life can be taken from us. Now that I’m a mama, it scares me even more. I find comfort knowing that if something were to happen to my daughter, I would be horribly devastated, but I know she’d be in a good place. There’s nowhere else for babies to go…they are heaven on earth. But if something were to happen to me…do I know for sure where I will go? And will my daughter be taken care of?

As soon as I’m fully recovered from my accident, I’ll be taking care of some legal matters to ensure the livlihood of my daughter is maintained if anything were to happen to me. It occurs to me how much we take life for granted. We just go on making plans and expecting that life will continue tomorrow. But it might not! There are things that happen that are so unfair and so scary and so quick that recovery from the tailspin is all we can do. And we don’t always recover. But if we prepare in advance, it could minimize or at least make easier the recovery process.

What is important? I think about that in the scheme of things. My Dad and brother are not talking because of a financial squable. If something happened to them tommorow, in the next 5 minutes, anytime?! Would the squable really matter? Or will they hate themselves for having allowed it to divide them?

I’m not feeling very articulate today…still reeling a bit from the sound that will not soon enough leave my head…the sound that could have spelled serious injury or even death if it had happened any differently. In a second…how many lives were changed by that one second decision… I am so grateful that it was not any worse. But I am given the opportunity to take from it, and learn, and know that my life is a gift, that could be taken from me on any day. I feel a very deep sense of responsibility for the circumstances I created for others. Could I live with myself if I had hurt someone else seriously? Or caused a death? I don’t know. But I certainly don’t ever want to find out.

Sue-Ellen Ewing: Alcoholic, basket case, prima donna, stuck in the 80s, ill advised choice of men…

Augustus Gloop: Glutinous, binge eating, wanton, excessive, head in the trough…

Cognitive science explains mind and brain in terms of computation, information-processing, and representationalism: the ability of a cognitive system to change internal microstructure so as to correspond with important features of the internal or external world. One could do worse than to sum up the cognitivist model of the mind as “computations over representations”, in which features of the world or body are coded by the brain as symbols.

Whatever merits this “cognitivist” research program may have for models of syntactical production, the consolidation of short-term memories into long-term, the recognition of familiar faces, logical problem-solving, and other phenomena, I suspect that critical aspects of how people have knowledge of their bodies are not adequately accounted for by cognitivist approaches. I maintain that a careful analysis of the evidence reveals cognitive science has a flawed approach to modeling how well people know what is happening inside their bodies, and what mental and biological processes underlay this knowledge.

There are many aspects of psychological life that have never been the focus of cognitive science, and this absence is at it’s foundation the Cartesian rift at the heart of objective models that depict mind as machine. People experience a world of meaning framed by temporality and grounded in the lived body, but cognitive science focuses on a subpersonal realm of symbols, algorithms, information processing, representation, where mind is reduced to computation. To the extent that this approach yields results, it should be pursued, but cognition outstrips what cognitivism can model. There are aspects of cognition that are characterized by the existential questions, embodied experience, consciousness, meaning, and other phenomena, but it is precisely these that objectivistic, Cartesian cognitive science has not, for the most part, tried to explain. The difference is that of between worlds, like the gap between music grasped as experienced and meaningful, compared to music understood as a system that can be analyzed through abstract system-centered objectivistic modeling. It is true that science is typically understood in the latter terms, but neurophenomenology aims at a dialog between psychological life as experienced and cognition understood as a mechanism produced by te brain. There is not an immediate move toward reduction nor a premature assumption that embodied experience can be automatically modeled as a byproduct of systems.

In everyday life, and especially in conditions of sickness or disease, people notice aspects, qualities, and states of their bodies, and seek to get information about and from their bodies. Getting information about body-state can involve perception of a symptom, focused attention or introspection toward specific body regions or parts, remembering the way one’s body felt previously and comparing this to a current assessment, attempting to verbally express feelings about the way one’s body seems, paying close attention to a body part that is usually indistinct or in the background but suddenly is painful, and many other similar activities. Consider the following examples:

• a subject in a clinical trial of a medical device is asked whether or not they notice anything unusual or different about the way their body feels, and if so, to rate how much on a numeric scale;

• a person taking psychiatric medication for depression tells their psychiatrist about adverse side effects, such as a decline in libido, and an inability to grieve the loss of a loved one while at a funeral;

• someone who is drinking alcohol may calibrate their intake based on the memory of nausea from previous episodes of over-consumption;

• an obese woman is reported by American media to have been shocked upon finding she was in labor and on the verge of giving birth, having no previous knowledge of her pregnancy.

• a person who is being massaged, when asked to describe the sensation, reports a mixture of significant pleasure and mild pain when pressure is applied to very specific regions of their upper-back

In these and in similar cases, individuals involved are sensing, perceiving, remembering, and judging about their symptoms, body states, feelings, and sensations, and in some examples, reporting their experience to others. These are cognitive phenomena, but can ideas derived from symbolic logic and representationalist epistemology suffice to explain them? I would argue that there are a number of open questions about the utility of information-processing theories of body-knowledge.

Are the introspective reports, assessments, and statements generated by people about their body-state generally accurate, or not? What mechanisms account for the accuracy, or lack thereof?

To what extent do legacy concepts from cognitive science or information-processing models help or hinder the development of an understanding of how people access information and gain knowledge about their bodies?

How are we to understand the meaning(s) of the term “information” used to explain how and how well people know their own mental and physiological states? What is the relationship of “information” in the sense of physiological or biological systems to consciously reportable sensation, such that a person is getting information about their body state?

Are there many kinds of “information” involved in these models of internal state perception or “body cognition” found in clinical neurology, medicine, experimental psychology, and theoretical cognitive neuroscience? Or is there but one type of “information”, with different qualities or aspects that are described or measured in different ways?

Yesterday in French class.

My professor: “Tu m’a promis. Je t’ai cru. What does it mean?”

Me: “You promised me and I believed you, you bastard.”

Giggles and side-glances. I graciously translated most of the rest of the song, providing my version with a sardonic grin and commentary (“you promised me I would be your queen, asshole”) and by the end of it, we were all entertained and laughing. Still, as we put away our books and got up to leave, I caught one of the boys looking at me with concern.

To be fair, I had once kissed this guy, so we have that tenuous connection you often form with people you’ve, er, kissed. Casually, of course. I noted that look and put it away, because in this situation, there’s no question of guilt. He knows as well as I know that he’s never hurt me, so that’s that. It was simply sympathy.

Sympathy. It seems that it all comes down to that: this vague feeling that a situation has spiraled out of control, this tug at your heart, this I’m sorry. I just remember telling you that I’m sorry. It’s not a bad thing to be sympathetic, per se, but it’s just so useless. Give me those looks, darling, go ahead, because at the end of the day you can’t fix this.

All you’ve done is identified my weakness.

I came across something unexpected the other day. Out of the blue, here in front of me, I had pages and pages of words strung together into sentences, paragraphs worth of insight into the psyche of someone I know. I didn’t go looking for it, but I wasn’t too surprised when I came across it. I think I must have laughed and then sighed upon being handed this material.

Who wants to ruin their perception? What wants to break an image or crack holes in something they carefully crafted? I’m a writer. An aspiring writer, an amateur writer, but a writer all the same. I sit down and make worlds and fill them top to bottom with people who have never existed. This probably plays into my interactions with people in day-to-day life. I like to dig and dig and dig until I find diamonds. No one is what they seem and the people in my life – they can’t be shallow. They can’t.

I remain convinced that most people have something to them. Sure, they may not have the best standardized test scores, or they may not be the most compassionate people, or they lack something somewhere, as we all do, but if you dig deep enough, you can find something interesting. Mind you, I said interesting. Not necessarily admirable or worthy, but certainly interesting. Even the most shallow bitch has something to her.

So I’m a little disappointed right now. There is a fine line between fiction and reality, so I don’t know how much of this I should take to heart, but I do realize that if even a portion of it rings true, then that’s something I didn’t want to read.

And yeah, I’m questioning whether I ever knew him at all.

It’s not that the particulars matter anymore. Who said or did or goddamnit, even felt what when why or how – none of that is significant, all of that is lost to time. But who he was? Can someone remain a stranger for quite this long or would I just rather he be a stranger because I don’t want to see the truth of things?

It’s not really my fault. In this, at least, I can absolve myself of blame, because he lied to me, whether he knew it or not. He led me to assume certain things about him and then those things were shattered, because things happened which proved my perceptions wrong, or because at the end of the day, it seems…

Stop it. I’m not even going to try. There is no sense in putting this into words, no reason for it, no provocation really. The point of the story is that sometimes perceptions change. And there’s nothing we can do about it, except laugh because he’ll never know who I am and at best, I’ll never know who he is. At best.

You should be who you want to be, my dear! No matter my fondness or contempt – and believe me, I have plenty of both – be who you wish to be. I might not understand. You might not be as deep as I’d like you to be, or you may be so much deeper than I’ll ever be able to perceive, but regardless. Regardless. Live and let live.

I’ll take your lessons and let that be enough.

Meagan paints some holiday art on Thanksgiving Day.

My original goal was to limit this blog to writing about the South and Southern literature, but I’m easing that restriction on myself. This blog will be my general outlet for creativity in general. It will include my photography and other types of work, too.

I hope by easing the parameters I set for myself I will actually post something here for you to read. I also hope that you enjoy the direction I’m taking this blog.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

I’ve never been much of one for endurance. I identify very closely with Gimli in the movie The Two Towers when he exclaims, “We dwarfs are natural sprinters! Very dangerous over short distances!” I feel like that is often the case in my life.

Case in point. I decided after my 8-hour shift at work today to come home and go for a run. (Those of you who know me very well now have my permission to laugh hysterically. . . . Ok. Got that out of your system? Awesome. Let’s move on.) I decided to for a number of reasons. Lately I’ve become more “health conscious” (or rather, more accurately, more self conscious… about my health). I’ve also got all kinds of “jitters” – jitters about grad school (getting accepted), jitters about friendships and relationships and the lack thereof, jitters about my own sense of growth and regression, jitters about general life direction – and a run seemed a good way to work some of those jitters out. And my dog, the most active border collie in the world, was long overdue for a good walk.

I was doing really well until I hit the first hill. (I do live in Colorado….) In fact, I was doing well until I got to the top of the first hill. Then my breath got shorter. My legs started to protest. My foot (which recently recovered from major reconstructive surgery) started to ache. I slowed to a walk. Then I could go downhill for a while. Until I hit the next hill. My entire being screamed out in defiance. I finally jogged and walked my way home. I think I might have done a mile.

The run did feel good, after a fashion. I love endorphins. It also took all of my jitters and focused them into a physical act. And I wore the dog out.

But I can’t help thinking that so much of my life is like that run. I start out real strong. I’m “dangerous over short distances.” I begin with passion and fervor, and when I’m like that I’m convinced that I’m not incapable of much. But I hit a hill, or a wall, and I lose interest, slow down, sometimes give up entirely. School projects. Relationships. Self discipline.

However, there are two specific instances in my life where this has not been the case.

The last karate belt test I took. It lasted something like 7 hours. 7 hours of hard, cardio workout with only short breaks long enough to get a sip of water here and there. Kicks. Punches. Self defense. Falls. Throws. Katas. Weapons forms. And after all of that… sparring.

My faith.

What makes these two different? I was (am) committed to the goal. I wanted that belt (somewhere above white… but I won’t publicize how far above). I’m committed to the Kingdom of Heaven.

I used to think I had a commitment problem, but I don’t think that’s the case. In some ways, I do think I have an issue with endurance. But that can be grown and learned. If I have a worthy goal, though, I believe I could commit to and endure anything.

Back to the jitters. I’m lacking direction. I’m restless. I feel stuck in the hum drum. And I’m having issues with commitment and endurance… in the moment. I’m lacking perspective, foresight, insight into what I’m aiming for.

All of this is to say, rather to ask, how do I learn contentment when I’m so uncomfortable sitting still? How do I commit and endure when I don’t know which direction to run?

Is your shopping list ready? Then wait. Just one more day.

I will. Adbusters is having a campaign encouraging people to consume nothing at all this Friday, in an attempt to transform Black Friday into Buy Nothing Day. They’re suggesting people consider going so far as to unplug the phone and the computer and keep the car parked for a day. Adbusters says, “You may find that it’s harder than you think, that the impulse to buy is more ingrained in you than you ever realized.”

This may be true, but it could also be a relief. I’ve observed Buy Nothing Day in years past and it not only frees me from the compulsion to shop, but acts as a good bookend to the hectic preparations leading up to the Thanksgiving meal.

Here are my top reasons for participating:

I get to spend time alone. Really alone. On a typical day, I’m around my kids, other parents, my spouse and, inevitably, other consumers. When I’m “by myself,” I’m not, really. Not entirely. I’m interacting with people on Facebook and responding to emails. Maybe on Friday I’ll take a walk, read a book or take a nap. Or maybe I’ll just look at something I can’t consume. Like the sky.

I get to spend time with other people. Opting out of buying activities means I won’t be running errands with people I love, but relating to them. My daughter is newly interested in games, so I’m looking forward to some Apples to Apples or Clue, Jr. on Friday. Maybe I’ll even participate in StoryCorps‘ National Day of Listening. What a great idea (a big thank you to Louise at Thoughts Happen for making me aware of this. Read her post on StoryCorps here).

I get to model anti-consumerism to my kids. I often talk to them about the untruths in advertising but still feel like I cop out when it comes to my own buying habits. By not consuming on Friday, I’ll become aware of my own impulse to buy. I’ll also show them (and myself) that putting a halt to acquiring stuff is not only possible but desirable.

I get to avoid “mall head.” Though I try to shop local, especially around the holidays, I always seem to find myself in the mall. I don’t know if it’s their heating and cooling systems or if my head is rebelling against rows of stores under one roof, but I inevitably get a head-stuffed-with-cotton headache after shopping at the mall. Maybe it’s an allergy.

After a day of bounty, it makes sense to take it easy. If you’ve opted out of the buying frenzy in years past or decide to do so this year, let me know what you experience and how you fill your day.

Photo courtesy of laffy4k (via Creative Commons).

The art of expression. To be vocal or expressive about one’s feelings, decisions, thoughts, ideas.

If there is much content (happiness) gleaned from just experiencing it, why is there an urge to express it?

• Self-Gratification?
• Expectations in Reciprocation?
• A need to share?
• Vindication?

Does it matter that the world/group/person outside of you need to know in the first place at all? More so, when there is no expectation on the expression?

I suppose the primary reason to express it is not so much as a selfish need to do so, but also to promote and spread the joy one experiences, hoping that the receiver may also experience a similar wave.

Perhaps it all ties in with the “giving” that hit me earlier, and I continue to do, just not record anymore.

On the flip side:

Maybe it’s really just the economy?

Like say for example: I may want to send a card expressing the feeling of “missing” a certain someone. The card costs $4:00, then there’s the postal charge and then the time spent in sending it out.  See what I mean?

Economy somehow seems to fare in all the instances I thought of.  That does make one a responsible citizen of the world at the very least. In times such as these, every action counts.

The only instance where this scenario ceases to make sense is when you are standing in the same physical space. Then we go back to our primary question:

Why express it at all in the first place?

Thank you Fletcher and Elliott for not making dooty all over the house. I am greatly appreciative of your mad litter box skillz.

Thank you amazing job for giving me the chance to drink free pop, enjoy twice a week catered lunches, and design interesting things on a daily basis.

Thank you Josh for making me dinner at least three times a week, when you know I’ve had a long day and need time to unwind.

Thank you Aunt Tina for chatting with me at work, and providing the necessary distractions to get me through my day. You are a little piece of home that I get to keep with me every day.

Thank you Tazo for making delicious and therapeutic teas. I had a fever last night, but today I feel like skydiving.

Thank you inventor of Christmas lights. I can’t be sad when I am looking at the twinkly glow of a strand of Christmas lights.

Thank you to Ali Babba for booking a plane ticket to come out and see me in January. You are the cheese to my macaroni.

Thank you house on the corner by the stop sign I stop at on my way home from work. You were the first house I’ve seen decked out with Christmas lights and it made me smile.

Thank you extra large gas tank in my car. I only have to fill up once every two and a half weeks. I find this to be incredibly awesome, given my daily commute of an hour total.

Thank you AmyK for always being a great pen/chat/phone pal. Not only have you been a great friend to me, but you have branched off as a friend of the family. We love you!!!

Thank you Katie’s Kitchen for putting hashbrowns on your ultimate breakfast burrito. This is a genius idea which I will gladly support.

Thank you Country Club Plaza for outlining every building in holiday lights. This is something I have never seen before, and it will make for great memories I can share with my youngins some day.

Thank you Rachel for participating in New Years Eve plans with me. This will be the most epic of New Years, and it’s always good to have good company when my boyfriend is urinating on the Gateway Arch, intoxicated.

Thank you Momma for decorating the spare bedroom for me and Josh. It was the only room you decided to decorate before Thanksgiving, and I know you did it because of how much I love Christmas!!!

Thank you to the CEO of our company who decided to let all of us have off on Friday. Now I don’t have to use a PTO day for that

Thank you to my financial status for giving me the means to go back home to be with my family. I am grateful every day for the opportunities I have and I am hoping to share it with everyone in my family this Christmas.

Thank you Marianne for using an obscene amount of characters to express happiness. You’re the only person I can express true excitement with, via tapping every key on my keypad. fdsjklfjdsanasfndfns!!!!!!!!

Thank you Mother Nature for not having it rain every night on my commute home. It was getting a bit difficult to see the lines on the freeway, and I know you don’t want me to bump into anyone.

Thank you to my family for cramming all of their faces on to Aunt Tina’s web cam a couple of weeks ago. I felt so close to everyone, despite being so far. And I got a great view of my sister’s nostrils, thanks to the wonders of technology.

I suppose I’ve rifted off enough things to let all of you know what I am thankful for. And let me tell you, writing off a list like this is something I think we all should do at least once a week. It’s great to put things into perspective, and just be positive about life

Love you all, and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Introduction

As perhaps thousands of people now know, my conflict (for lack of a better word) with the Boone County Courthouse didn’t end a month ago.

If anything, these people know that:

• the judge rejected my written apology and offered a second opportunity to send another apology,
• I declined that second opportunity and did not send another apology; and
• the judge declared a 30-day ban for me to enter the Boone County Courthouse effective Dec. 15 unless I filed a request for a hearing.

What the vast majority of those people do not know is this: I never declined that second opportunity. Additionally, the 30-day ban has — as of yesterday around 10:45 a.m. — been lifted.

In this entry, I will attempt the following:

• explain how it was that I’d never declined that second opportunity,
• divulge all relevant details, including associated court documents and e-mails,
• discuss the importance of reporters’ getting ALL sides of a story and
• express my gratitude to the many who helped me and supported me through this tough time.

This account will be told chronologically. As was the case with my first account pertaining to this incident, it will be long. But so many people have read my account about how I made my mistake and tried to atone for it, and I can only hope that at least half that many will read this follow-up.

How it happened

As was published first in a Columbia Daily Tribune article and then picked up by the Associated Press, I received a statement from the court on Friday, Nov. 20. This statement came almost a full month after the Missourian director of photography, the photo editor who edited with me on that assignment and I sent letters of apology to the judge.

Click on the image to view/download the full-resolution PDF file.

At 8:20 a.m., a Missourian editor called my cell phone to inform me a sheriff’s deputy was looking for me, had papers in her hand to deliver to me and would say they pertained only to “Judge Oxenhandler.” The editor gave me the deputy’s phone number but advised me to talk to Missourian executive editor Tom Warhover before doing anything else.

As such, Tom, Missourian attorney Sandy Davidson and I communicated briefly. We speculated I would receive a subpoena. But who knew what it would contain? At worst, I anticipated a court date, a fine or jail time. At best — I had no clue.

I called the deputy around noon to let her know where she could find me. Shortly thereafter, she delivered to me the following court statement:

Click on the image to view/download the full-resolution PDF file.

As the articles noted, the judge found (emphasis is mine):

that although the writing of the Respondent contains the word “apology” that the writing is merely a series of rationalizations based on the focus of the camera, the angle of shot and that someone else made the decision to run the photo [...] therefore, the Court refuses to accept Respondent’s apology as meaningful; that it is clear to this Court that Respondent perceives her actions, which were in clear and unequivocal violation of the Rule, to be de minimus, of no consequence; that, and further, prior to the entering of this Order, the Court gave Respondent an additional opportunity to write a meaningful apology but Respondent chose not to take advantage of that opportunity [...]

Because of the above (and some more), the judge barred me from entering the courthouse for 30 days. As I noted earlier, I had expected a harsher sentence. So really, it’s a very reasonable, fair order, as you can read for yourself.

But here’s the catch: Until I received that court statement, I didn’t know that my first apology was found unsatisfactory and that there had been an opportunity to write a second letter.

So how could I have declined a second opportunity if I didn’t know it existed?

In questioning this, I am not questioning the court’s judgment in the matter. Rather, I am attributing this to a misunderstanding between the court, Tom and myself. A misunderstanding that would have to be cleared up, either through a second round of apologies, a scheduled court hearing or some other means.

But I would like to note the following:

1. The Columbia Daily Tribune — Columbia’s afternoon daily paper — ran the first article about the statement. It was printed on A2 on Nov. 20 (the same day I received the order).
2. The article has no byline (i.e., no author attributed).
3. The reporter did not interview or contact anyone at The Missourian for the article and, as it appears, based everything solely on the court order from the judge.
4. I found out about the article through a tweet.
5. And — because of the one-sidedness of the article, the subsequent publication of the (false) fact that I’d declined the opportunity to write a second letter and the way I’d learned about the article — I cried for three hours. (No, I’m not ashamed of that.)

I immediately contacted Tom, Sandy and some of my photojournalism instructors, to alert them of this article. At that point, because I didn’t know what we could feasibly do about the article and about the judge’s statement and because I was so disheartened by the article’s one-sidedness, I wrote in the e-mail,

I don’t think this is something I want to or will address in another blog post for more clarification. I just don’t have the heart to throw myself out into the lions’ den again, and I also feel like that’s the last thing we want (e.g., my appearing defensive) — even though I feel almost as if this article is vaguely libelous and am really very upset.

Then, on Sunday, a friend told me via Facebook that the story landed in The Kansas City Star.

But it wasn’t just a KC Star story. It was an Associated Press story. Which meant that the story was running everywhere — from St. Louis broadcast news outlets to Editor & Publisher to who knows where else.

This compelled me to want to take action. I had been letting the Tribune article simmer in my mind. But now that I knew that the story spreading beyond mid-Missouri was based on an article that misrepresented me, I got the fire in the belly to request that we take action sooner to clarify the situation and clear my name.

I again immediately e-mailed Tom and Sandy. Please note that at this point, I still didn’t know how we were proceeding with the judge’s court order — whether I would write a second apology, whether Tom would write something, whether I would file a request for a hearing. Bearing that in mind, here’s the meat of that e-mail:

I wouldn’t want to do anything that would further ruffle [the judge's] feathers, but if feasible, I would like the record to be set straight about my allegedly declining a second opportunity to write the letter. I feel wholly misrepresented in the CDT and AP stories, and I believe my fear that I’m being written off as a flippant, disrespectful student journalist is a legitimate one. This is not how I want anyone to view a Missourian photographer or to judge how The Missourian trains its students. On a more personal level, as a graduating senior, I would rather not enter the internship/job market with potential employers believing me to be irresponsible and/or disrespectful of the court system.

Additionally, I am completely willing to write a second letter and/or filing a request for a hearing (within eight days now) if either is the best course of action, regardless of how/if we can set the record straight.

In contrast to my Friday night message, I am willing to throw myself out into the lions’ den again, but not without consulting you first. Please let me know what you think can/should be done next.

A few hours later, Sandy called me to relay the following:

• Tom immediately commented on the Tribune and KC Star stories to clear the record.
• Tom would write a letter to the judge to clarify what happened and apologize for the misunderstanding.
• I would write a second letter of apology to the judge.
• Tom would write a second Missourian column about the incident. (You can check out his first column, published a week after the incident on Oct. 30.)

The next day (Monday the 23rd), Tom and I mailed a second round of letters to the judge. I won’t include Tom’s draft — that’s not up to me to publish — but here is mine:

Click on the image to view/download the full-resolution PDF file.

Now, fast-forward to Tuesday morning (yesterday).

I was tired that morning. On Monday, I’d taken Jeff to the St. Louis airport at 5:30 a.m., immediately returned to Columbia and, at noon, gone out to a dairy farm for one of my final photo story projects. The dairy expedition involved almost six hours of roundtrip traveling and some cow excrement on my camera gear. I’d returned to Columbia just before midnight on Monday and stayed up until 4 a.m. to finish cleaning and packing, as I had a 3 p.m. flight out of St. Louis for the Thanksgiving holiday break.

So, I was pretty exhausted on Tuesday morning.

Just as I zipped up my bags and was about to head out the door to drive to the airport, a Missourian editor called to say a court coordinator wanted to talk to me.

Perfect timing. I didn’t know what to expect. Had the judge rejected my second apology? Would I have to file for a court date? I didn’t know. All I knew was that if I didn’t leave Columbia in the next half-hour, I would have to reschedule my flight home.

I immediately called Tom and soon thereafter met him in the newsroom, where he played a voicemail from the judge. Wherein the judge said he found my apology meaningful and would lift my 30-day ban from the courthouse.

Click on the image to view/download the full-resolution PDF file.

And that is that.

Wrapping up

To say I’ve learned a lot from this experience is a severe understatement. Most notably,

• I’ve learned the importance of following rules to the “T,” of taking complete responsibility for my actions and of making clear, substantive apologies,
• I’ve learned to be conscious of my photos as I’m taking them, at all times, and
• I’ve learned what it’s like to be misrepresented by the media.

At the risk of sounding as if I’m accepting an award but in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d like to thank everyone who helped me and supported me through this. It was an incredibly tough, tearful ordeal made worse by the one-sided/false media coverage.

Tom, thank you for standing with me and behind me, for communicating with the court, for helping clarify everything and for helping me clear my name.

Sandy, thank you for supplying your legal know-how and advising us on every bend and turn.

Jackie, Josh and all my friends — thank you for your support and words of encouragement.

Thank you especially to Kelsey, who reminded me that although I made a mistake that people will know about for a while, the most important part is how I react to and recover from my mistakes.

Thank you, reader, for making it this far into this entry. I so appreciate your taking the time and being willing to try to understand exactly what happened, at least through my eyes.

I would like to conclude this account with these:

• I’m no longer angry with or bitter about the Tribune’s article. Certainly I was furious and upset when I first read it. But Tom and I have done what we can to clarify the account and set the record straight, and I can only hope that The Tribune will do the same for its part.
• I hope every journalist appreciates good editors — good editors who stick it out with their reporters and photographers through tough times and who do everything they can to help. Through this experience, I’ve come to value and appreciate my editors more than I’d ever anticipated.
• I am ready to move on. The judge has accepted my apology and lifted the 30-day bar, I’ve written this entry for transparency’s sake and it is time to move on.

Thank you, again, for reading this entry.

And happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is always a bittersweet holiday to me. I love the whole idea of Thanksgiving – a time to reflect upon the gifts we’ve received and offer our thanks, but when I think about the origins of the holiday and the ways in which the European settlers committed genocide upon the Native peoples in the U.S., and the ways in which we have still failed to redress the suffering we caused and continue to perpetuate, I feel ashamed and full of sorrow. And when I think about the millions of turkeys raised for Thanksgiving meals in cruel factory farms, bred to be so big they cannot mate and can barely walk, debeaked, crowded in disgusting warehouses, slaughtered in the most inhumane of ways, I want to cry and shout at the same time.

It’s so important to give thanks, to introspect and embrace all our blessings on Thanksgiving. And when we do, let’s not forget to give thanks for our freedom, our voices, our hands and our hearts that enable us to fight wrongs and ease suffering and create justice. And after giving thanks for these gifts, let’s not forget to use them to forge a better, more humane, more peaceable world.

~ Zoe Weil
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind, and The Power and Promise of Humane Education

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It’s hard to keep positive really when everything just seems to go awry. It’s hard to focus when there are so many things to focus on. It gets more difficult to keep yourself motivated day in and day out, giving everything you have everyday. As you lay on your bed, you ponder whether everything’s worth it or what’s the point of actually asking anymore. Your tired mind tries to look for answers but at the end of the day, it just shuts off and then you fall into a deep slumber. The day ends with no apparent answer to the questions you wish you had the answers to. The sun rises and so do you. You still feel the fatigue and you just force yourself to move and lug your tired body (and mind) to what have you. It helps that you can keep a smile when with other people. It helps that there are people who could give you a smile, but once the moment passes and when the reality of every darn thing sets in, the smile just fades. Good for a picture which captures this single moment of bliss and is able to live for quite a long time. Good for it ’cause it fades for what seems like forever. But such is not true for one’s life. In a snap of the finger, everything could crumble and at the same time everything could seem like the most perfect of days.

There is no moment wherein you don’t check on the time by taking out your cell or looking at your wristwatch or just simply asking your friend beside you. You remember that you have a meeting to go to, an errand to run, a pile of work that needs to be finished. But even with this fast-paced life, you make time for whatever little time you have to at least enjoy a moment of that day with friends and those little quirks you enjoy. Sometimes you just want to express the happiness you’re feeling and announce it to the whole world but a lot of the times you just want to hide what you’re really feeling, fearing that noone would really understand what you’re going through and most of the time you’re right. You realize that you have to do it on your own. You realize that this life of yours is only worth living if you are the one in control, but then that’s the hard part about it because that’s when you see that your life now seems out of your control. Now, you feel lost, confused and tired.

The day starts with you trudging along the path, and maybe weighing the options of saying yes or no. But the day ends with you left wondering whether you made the right decisions. It’s a cycle and you know that, but you just can’t help yourself. You decide to find reprieve in what seemingly feels like control, but really it’s just the same old spiral.

This is not about photography. But, I feel it’s important to share because I know some people reading this may not feel very thankful.

I have suffered for many years from a terrible depression. I’ve watched my family cry because of my self-hatred, sadness, and the decisions that come of that view. My own daughter has wiped my tears from my face and told me that everything is OK.

I recently sought professional help for this problem and I believe the treatment I am receiving is helping me overcome my problems. For the first time in my life I believe that I can enjoy life and experience my children growing. Just surviving is not living at all.

I am thankful for parents, friends, my wife, my children, and in-laws, everyone for the love they have given when I have been at my most un-lovable.

There is hope. If you feel like giving up and giving in. Don’t. Keep pushing on. There is hope.

We are small, but the big picture is beautiful. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tonight my sexy man and I got into an argument.  It was dumb in some ways, not so much in others, but what I noticed (although not for the first time) was how I hold my breath when I get upset.  The first time I realized that I did this was when my dad was sick and I was trying to deal with that.  Whenever I would think about him or start to cry, I would hold my breath and completely shut down my mind.  I would continue holding my breath until the moment passed and then just let out a huge sigh, as though pushing all of the approaching emotions far far away from me.  It has since become my M.O.  I don’t think that was the first time it happened, I just think that was when it became really really obvious that I hold my breath A LOT when confronted with my emotions of anger, sadness, frustration, distress, and *mostly* FEAR.

Tonight, I was thinking more about it and wondering how I learned to do the breath-holding thing, or WHY I do it.  I suddenly recalled having heard that babies have a tendency to do this, too.  So, of course, I googled it.

The few google entries I read all suggested 1) breath-holding is a reflexive response; it’s usually not intentional, but 2) babies can do it to get attention.  Strange because those conclusions seem somewhat contrary to me…   Anyway, breath-holding when upset seems to happen most frequently in children ages 6 months – five years old.  When I tried googling to see if adults do a similar thing, I came up with nothing other than cheesy lyrics about “you take my breath away” and “kissing you makes me hold my breath” and various articles explaining, “I wouldn’t hold my breath/I’m not holding my breath…” that X, Y, Z was going to happen.  So, according to Google, I apparently have more in common with two-year olds than I thought.

Tell me – do any of you out there do this breath-holding thing as adults??  I’m curious if this is common or if I really do have some unresolved childhood issues to work out…