Actual photo of Kristen in high school (Image via Flikr Creative Commons wwarby)

As humans we tend to think in very black and white terms, but as writers and artists, we are wise to remember that people have many dimensions. What we see is not necessarily true, especially when it comes to labeling others as “introvert” or “extrovert.”

What Does It REALLY Mean to Be an Extrovert or Introvert?

Introversion and extroversion are commonly misunderstood. Just because someone is shy, doesn’t mean she’s an introvert. Someone who is bubbly, gregarious and the life of the party can, in reality, be an introvert. The difference between introverts and extroverts is simply this:

Where do we gain or lose energy?

Introverts are drained by people and need alone time to recharge.

Extroverts are drained by too much time alone. They need human interaction to recharge.

Meet the Ambivert

Many people fall into what is called an ambivert, meaning they exhibit traits of both. If you want to learn if you might be an ambivert, there’s a cool test here.

People who read this blog and who meet me all believe that I am the very definition of extrovert, yet that’s far from the case. As a child, I had to be made to go play with others. I was very happy alone in my room reading, drawing and copying articles out of my set of encyclopedias.

I was frequently chastised for bringing a book to family events and made to interact with others. Yet, when I did, I was the life of the party. I was fascinated by standup comedy and, being blessed with an eidetic memory, I could perform the standup routines of all the famous comics, down to facial expressions, timing and gestures. My family was particularly fond of my freakishly accurate impersonation of Sinbad.

Yes, Kristen was the precursor to the DVD.

In school, I didn’t want to play at recess. I wanted to read and draw unicorns.  But I loved debate and speaking in public. When it came to presenting, I had no fear and, again, I was funny. Being funny helped when you changed schools every six months. BUT, in high school I was shy to the point of probably needing medication. The stage was far less terrifying than the lunchroom.

Before I was married, I would go shopping at two in the morning, because I couldn’t take the crowds. To this day, I don’t like concerts, amusement parks, crowded clubs, conventions, big parties or sports events. I love attending writing conferences because I love writers, love teaching and presenting and I DO love people…but when I get home, I practically slip into a coma.

As much as I LOVE people, as much as I adore a crowd and making them laugh…they exhaust me.

I work from home and, if I never had to leave, I would be okay…so long as I had Internet connection. One of the things I love about social media, is it allows me to interact, connect, chat, entertain…but at my pace. It keeps me from flatlining myself.

I’ve had to learn from bad experiences that I need to pace myself at conferences if I want to maintain that powerful, positive energy.

The Myth of the Extrovert

There is another common misunderstanding about the whole extrovert thing, and it’s done a LOT of damage in the corporate world (and when it comes to author platforms for selling books).

Companies spend all this time shoving introverts into being extroverts. They hire mega-extroverts for sales, and yet mega-extroverts are some of the WORST salespeople. I witnessed this back when I was in sales, myself.

I recall sitting at a table with a customer and a mega-extrovert salesperson. The mega-extrovert was so busy talking and being entertaining, that he never SHUT UP long enough to listen. He didn’t stop and ask the right questions. In fact, he didn’t ask ANY questions.

That’s a problem.

One time, I was at an annual marketing meeting and the company was putting  together the agenda for the next year. They kept going on and on about price, and how we needed to be cheaper. I was brand new, but bold.

I raised my hand and asked, “Has anyone asked our customers if this is what THEY want? Is price the biggest factor?” The table sat in stunned silence. Then I recommended we brainstorm twenty areas where we could serve the customer better and then get them to take the survey.

Price came in a #4.

Customers actually wanted faster lead times. Our product was the type of inventory the customers never thought about…until they ran out. A better plan was to rent cheap warehouses in the areas near our major clients and stock them with the most common sizes ordered. Then we could have offered same-day or next-day delivery….which the company refused to do and still focused on price and lost a crap-load of business and it’s a sore subject with me.

Why did they do this? The mega-extroverted marketing and salespeople controlled the agenda, and they were lousy listeners.

We All Have Strengths and Weaknesses

This isn’t to pick on mega-extroverts. All personalities have strengths and weaknesses. As an ambivert, I do have some mega-extrovert tendencies. I’ve had to TRAIN myself to be a better listener and to ask others about themselves…instead of making them laugh with my Sinbad impersonations.

Awareness is Key

The point of all of this is we need to be self-aware so we can focus on strengths and buttress weaknesses. It is good for the introverts to get out. Too much alone time with the imaginary friends makes us a bit weird…ok, weirder.

Social media can be very beneficial for introverts. It forces us out of the comfort zone and we can interact at a pace that doesn’t put us in a coma. Extroverts? You get to practice willpower and self-discipline, to shut up, get off Twitter and get back to work.

Ambiverts? We get to do both *head desk*

No Excuses

But the good news is this. This notion that mega-extroverted salesperson is the most effective salesperson? PURE MYTH. This is one major misconception that TERRIFIES most writers into being afraid of social media or makes some writers try to change their personalities….which is just weird and kinda creepy. Be YOU. YOU is awesome .

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

Here’s an article that displaces the myth that mega-extroverts are the best salespeople, and explains why it’s actually ambiverts who hold the advantage.

Talk to people, listen, ask questions, and let them talk. Be authentic and kind. We don’t have to be super entertaining all the time. Really .

For those curious, THIS was my family’s favorite among my vast comedic repertoire:

So what about you? Are you and extrovert? An introvert? Shy? Do you feel misunderstood because you’re a shy extrovert or a people-loving introvert? Do you think you might be an ambivert? Take the test and let us know!

I LOVE hearing from you guys!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of April, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of April I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

Later that same week someone posted a TED TALK video of author Susan Cain who has written a book called “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”. I was enthralled by her talk and somehow felt vindicated. Just days after I saw the video, an email showed up in my inbox from the Strand Bookstore here in NYC announcing that Susan Cain would be there talking about her book in a few days!  I don’t ever remember receiving an email from them before. Awesome independent bookstore, by the way. Well, I dragged my introverted self out of my cozy apartment to hear her talk. As I walked through the front door of the Strand, I turned around to hold the door open for the person behind me. It was Susan Cain.

What all of this synchronicity did was bring my attention to a very important part of who I am. An introvert. I have known this all of my life but it hasn’t been until recently that I  embraced it wholeheartedly and honored that critical part of myself. Interestingly enough, as I have become more comfortable with my introversion, I have left most of my shyness behind. Painfully shy as a child and young adult, I no longer suffer that discomfort.

As Susan Cain points out, introversion and shyness are not the same. “Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating.” Even though at least a third of the population are introverts, Susan points out that our world has become extrovert-friendly. In our schools and in the workplace, working together in groups, problem solving and socializing has become the norm–and often the required norm. Introverts who generally do better thinking and working alone (most artists I know fit this profile) are often forced into behaving more like an extrovert.

 A Manifesto for Introverts
By Susan Cain

1. There’s a word for “people who are in their heads too much”: thinkers.

2. Solitude is a catalyst for innovation.

3. The next generation of quiet kids can and must be raised to know their own strengths.

4. Sometimes it helps to be a pretend-extrovert. There’s always time to be quiet later.

5. But in the long run, staying true to your temperament is the key to finding work you  love and work that matters.

6. One genuine new relationship is worth a fistful of business cards.

7. It’s OK to cross the street to avoid making small talk.

8. “Quiet leadership” is not an oxymoron.

9. Love is essential: gregariousness is optional.

10. “In a gentle way you can shake the world.”                                                                            ––Mahatma Gandhi

Looking back at the little girl in the red dress, I often wonder where the shyness came from. That was a bit rough. But the introversion I never seemed to mind. I loved hiding in magical places in the bushes, up in a tree or in the garage. By myself. I needed to retreat from the busy neighborhood kids or after a day at school. A trip to the library was heaven.

Many year later, married and with two young children, I rented my first real studio. It was a raw space in a gritty, deserted part of Detroit, but I didn’t care. It was my respite. I loved being with my family, of course, but having a place of my own to recharge my battery was priceless.

I prefer a cup of tea with one good friend to a party with 20 good friends. I think they all know how much I love them–many of them blissfully extroverted (Manon and Monica!)–and understand by now my sometimes need for solitude.

I’ve always felt more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it. I prefer being the observer rather than the observed. But lately I’ve had this gnawing feeling that I’m being called to step out of my comfort zone a bit and share myself with the world.

I received an email not long ago asking me to conduct an interview with someone who I know and admire greatly. My heart literally stopped when I read the email and I felt nauseous. I just wanted it to go away. I could think of fifty people right off the bat who would love to do this interview. But I knew deep down that there was probably a reason I was the one being asked.

Susan Cain commented that if she hadn’t been able to convince her editor that she could speak to audiences during her book tour, we wouldn’t be reading her book right now. Her readers are grateful that she took those speaking classes she told us about. She speaks with confidence and grace, while her lovely introvert still shines through.

I have spent the last two months in an introvert’s paradise. Others grumble about how boring January and February are, but they are two of my favorite months. I’m not kidding. I have been staying home, getting lots of rest, reading, writing, meditating, being quiet. I feel recharged and (sort of) ready to plunge into the busyness that I know is just around the corner. My friend and fellow introvert, Nancy, will be right by my side.

Tomorrow on that Hallmark holiday, whether you’re alone (surely you know that you’re never really alone) or with a partner, I hope that this Valentine’s Day you will embrace your inner introvert or extrovert and LOVE yourself for who you truly are.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

All my love,
Barbara

P.S. More synchronicity. Thanks to Rachel (another happy introvert) for posting this cute video to my Facebook Wall. Over 5 million views on You Tube. Wow. Introvert power!

I need both halves to survive in this world, I cannot have one without the other. I am not totally my Interior self or Exterior, they both ravenously feed on one another until there is nothing left but the bones. I am Exterior when I need social contact, then I need my Interior to recover from it. I am not only my Exterior, and I am not only my Interior. I am  both, but I am not both together. At the same time, I am neither. I am not myself.

For example, Marilyn Monroe was known to actually be painfully shy and just put on that ditzy, outgoing persona for the public. The professor of one acting class I took a few years ago stated that she was in fact “always acting,” and that’s what eventually led to her self-destruction. According to her A & E Biography, the bubbly and photogenic blonde sexpot of the 1950′s we know her most well as, was in fact, Norma Jeane Baker, the pretty, shy and withdrawn brunette before she discovered her talent in front of the camera.

So, yes, I do have the same social identity disorder as Marilyn Monroe. Although I don’t strip for Playboy or have affairs with U.S. presidents, I also admit to putting on a persona that’s a bit more outgoing and extroverted in order to survive. My Exterior self is that persona, although it’s not nearly as extreme as Marilyn’s. I  promise to stay away from pills, as long as you don’t tell me I’m fat or ugly.

Dissection Results:

I conclude that, although, I am not entirely my Interior or Exterior, I am an undiscovered and enigmatic self that haunts and torments my two halves like a ghost, begging to become into existence and recognition. I completely disagree with people who call me shy, because if I was, how would I survive in an extroverted job, enjoy meeting and interacting with new people? I would be too afraid to go to parties, bars and other public places. So, I have no idea what my real self is, maybe one day I’ll figure it out. I am still not myself, because I don’t know what it is.

Maybe I’ll go read some Kafka or Sartre, or…screw that, I want to go get drunk and talk to people. Or, wait, I don’t want that, what do I want? Who am I?

According to 2011 census figures, 27% of Canadian households (28% in the US) comprise a family of one. Nice to know I’m no longer part of a pitied minority. The article refers to us as “singletons” but I prefer the term “singlist” – it appeals to my artistic nature and my propensity toward, you guessed it, listmaking.

“Living alone, being alone and feeling lonely are hardly the same thing,” writes author Eric Klinenberg. He observes that “living alone allows us to do what we want, when we want, and on our own terms”. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Estranged spouses, overwhelmed parents of small kids or teenagers – and, of course, introverts like me – are thinking “YES!!!”

Singlists have their own reasons for preferring the solo life. For me, it’s the hectic pace and constant demands of modern life, and my personal preference based on my temperament. 

As an introvert, I crave solitude. “Without I-time, an introvert can suffer from distraction, imbalance, exhaustion and irritability. Reserves run dry,” writes Devora Zack in her excellent book Networking for People who Hate Networking. Sound like someone you know? A relative or friend? Or perhaps it’s you? For introverts, too much stimulation and social interaction is overwhelming. 

Recent studies indicate that the population is the more closely split between ‘introverts’ and ‘extroverts’ than was once thought; extroverts, of course, believed they were in the majority.

When you think about it, some of us are “connected” for up to 18 hours a day. Commuting to work, being at work, socializing, being online - one way or another, we are engaged with people or other stimuli. For some folks, the only downtime they get is when they’re asleep.

Whether you find yourself on the treadmill of over-connectedness – by choice (because as an extrovert you thrive on it) or by circumstance (because it’s part of your job or lifestyle) – solitary living may be a desirable option. After all, you can always be with people when you CHOOSE to be.

As Eric Klinenberg notes, “there’s nothing lonelier than living with the wrong person.” I’ve done that, too - and being alone by myself beats being lonely with someone else. For those who choose it, “living alone (provides) time and space for restorative solitude.”

What do you think?

Her description of a Tony Robbins workshop had me laughing in recognition.  Best thing I’ve read in a long time.  It brought me right back to my first experience with The Millionaire Mind, a financial seminar full of “group mind” extroverted tactics similar to those employed by Robbins. I couldn’t understand why all those people were dancing on their chairs and afraid to leave the room for a bathroom break just because the man on stage was telling them what to do…or not do. (For the record, I like dancing on chairs…when I feel like it.)

Some great points highlighted in the book include:

• the difference between acting out of character for something you believe in vs. trying to conform to be accepted
• jealousy as a great tool to help us understand what we wish we were doing or experiencing
• the notion of “restorative niches” or carefully designed moments throughout the day to cocoon
• introverts aren’t anti-social their “differently social”

If I had a dime for every time I described myself (or heard myself described as being) “anti-social”.  I completely bought into it. But it wasn’t accurate.  On the contrary, I value socialization and intimacy; I value meaningful social encounters. I just value it in different settings, under different conditions than your typical extrovert.

Perhaps the most striking passage in the book was a study that showed good ideas are often dismissed and ignored because they don’t come from the loudest voice in the room, even if our survival depends upon it. Perhaps even more important, people with those good ideas often don’t even speak them. Do we already know no one will listen to us anyway?

Then again, I have experienced from time to time being the voice people seek out once all sides of a debate have been aired: “You’ve been awfully quiet this whole time, Dielle. What do you think?” God, I relish those moments. But that only happens when people notice I’m in the room. : )

Cain’s book was published in 2012 by Crown Publishers.

And so it was.  Extrovert went to the Super Bowl Party and spent the better part of 6 or 7 hours reveling in a football game he really didn’t care about, socializing with people he knew and didn’t know, who also really didn’t care about the game, but who enjoyed the coming together of it all.

And Introvert spent 6 or 7 glorious hours at home alone, on a fabulous sunny Sunday afternoon, puttering around the house and yard and reveling in being able to do so and admiring the things she accomplished.

Time Magazine has a great article this week on “shyness” but it’s really more about the differences between us introverts and you extroverts.  And about the “okayness” of being who we are and playing to our strengths and letting others play to theirs. And being able to stay home and do my “introvert-stuff” and letting hubby go out and socialize and do his “extrovert-stuff.”

And each of us got our batteries charged and we are now ready for another week.

I made a mistake. It arose out of a defensive posture, and it woke me up very early this morning.

I was falling prey to a common human tactic…us vs. them mentality. Introverts vs. Extroverts. I wrote some things which I’ve since rewritten that did not favor the extrovert. It was wrong of me to make anyone “wrong.” That isn’t what this blog is about. This blog is really about me practicing being authentic in a primarily extroverted world. It’s a perspective. There is no right side and wrong side.

It’s a learned behavior. If we feel made wrong for what we believe…or for how we are… then we often fight back by trying to prove the other side wrong. “So here’s your list of what’s wrong with me?  Well let me tell you, I’ve got a list of what’s wrong with you too!” When I see other people do this, the faulty thinking is so obvious to me. Not so obvious when it was me doing it, but my loyal body gave me subtle hints. The only one who can make me feel “wrong” is me, and the thoughts that brings that about are nothing but lies.

So, I guess in addition to the challenges of emerging from my cave is learning to write about it skillfully. The trick is pointing out the differences without the energy of “wrong”. While I can never control how someone else takes what I write, I express now that my intent is never to injure, divide, or humiliate. May I write with a beautiful language that allows me to both share my truth openly and respect the truth of others. Above all, may I not take what I write too seriously or fall into believing it.

It’s all folly.