Some Interesting facts about Ideal Sleep –

Sleep is composed of two stages: REM (Rapid Eye Movement) and non-REM. The former helps in mental consolidation while the latter helps in physical repair an d rebuilding. During the night, you alternate between REM and non-REM stages 4-5 times.

The earlier part of sleep is mostly non-REM. During that period, your pituitary gland releases growth hormones that repair your body. The latter part of sleep is more and more REM type.

There are moments in my life when I am irritable and restless, and one of the things I like to do is guided imagery. It is quite relaxing. I love being able to focus and center my energies, so that I can rejuvenate and feel more at peace. I feel like everyone needs these quiet moments of time alone. Maybe this is what I have been needing to do.

Here is a link to once such meditation I have done tonight: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8845129782533837583#

Want to know what “My Quiet Place” looks like?

Its in the middle of a prairie, surrounded by tall blades of grass. The sun is shining and it’s rays are warm to my skin. I can hear the weeping willows branches swooshing in the distance. The birds are chirping their busy talk with one another. I can smell the faint hint of the flowers in full bloom…a trail of sweet peas left lingering in my nose. The quietness of my mind allows me to lay down in the tall grass, eyes closed, and just focus on the beautifulness of my surroundings. There, I am one.

Mañana

50 mcg Levotiroxina

200 lamotrigina

225 litio

0.5 Alplax xr

Noche

450 Litio

i find it easy
to entertain my irritability.

along
with the other
8 million(ish) manhattanites.

i don’t know. i think

it’s all the
inverted umbrellas
on already crowded sidewalks.

that can sometimes
jab me under my skin.

and i’m tall.
so i have to dodge
short umbrellas at eye-poking level.

while cars
are splashing cold puddles everywhere.
and all over my legs.

so
on rainy days,
i must make efforts to entertain my irritability away.

enter elly-the-roommate-reynolds.
and her daily
this made me think of you emails.

my most recent favorite
that i reverted back to this rainy morning?

O PS, ang. Want another happy of the day! Go to google and type “tulips felids netherlands” then click images! AMAZING! ILY

she knows that tulips are my favorite.

and yes, it did
take me a few to realize that felids was a typo.
and not a special dutch-secret-code-word for tulips.

here are my favorites from mr google.
check it and enjoy
such cold rainy day irritabilities away.

–

It was just a week ago when we were buried under two feet of snow.  You’d never know it today.  It’s been in the low 70s.  THAT’S how winter should be – either paralyzing deep snow, or 70 degrees.

It’s very windy today – the wind chimes are nice.

The Brontosaurus was always my favorite dinosaur.  Didn’t they change the name though, since I’ve been a grown-up?

I am still out of sorts.  Hot flashes.  Grumblebunnies. I spent an hour or so roaming around WalMart.  They have Christmas music playing.  I particularly appreciated the black ornaments.  What a concept – to have a Christmas tree decorated all in black.  A Goth Tree! 

And on the way home, I discovered a house completely festooned with lights, reindeer, santas – the whole nine yards.  Honestly.  It’s not that I don’t get the Christmas spirit, it’s just that I don’t get it this early!

I am distracted and bored at the same time, and not in the mood to write just now.  So I’ll say good night.

150 mg de lamictal

225 mg de litio

0.5 xanax XR

Noche 450 litio

There’s a parcel waiting at the door to be posted to some woman who’s bought A Kestrel for a Knave through my Amazon seller account that peaked a week or two back in some bizarre saving-the-world-through-bookmarks-about-colony-collapse-disorder fantasy. I get up late after a late night last night trying to work til I drop by doing a translation of The theatre of Jara Cimrman because until ten I had been writing for this blog rather than Call Them Soldiers (I will have to watch out that I don’t slip into doing that more often) and then I was too awake to sleep. I had a valerian tea, which often doesn’t put me to sleep at all – not the brand I have been able to track down of late anyway – and I think that often makes me irritable and jittery the next morning. I got up late, at around twenty past eight, with the post office opening at half past and the doctor’s switchboard too – you have to make appointments on the day and it is a nightmare of ringing and redialling over and over.

I have a shower. Finally. I was beginning to stink again. I realised my lack of personal hygiene is becoming a problem at times when I got a call from a mate to meet up at the driving range with him and a friend. (He phrased it, as he always does, that I don’t have to turn up if I don’t want to, understanding perfectly that I don’t do well with other people.) My mum told me not to wear those jeans as I headed out, with the tear in them. But it was when I got there I realised that I stank. And telling the guy I don’t work at the moment, this guy who looks so straight-laced. The kind of guy who comes over as older than his years, though handsome. As the hot water hit me I tried to remember the last time I showered. We’re not talking weeks by any stretch, but it had been a while. I do tend to be irritated by the ‘waste’ of time unless I have been out on my bike or done some exercise that I can wind down with it.

I had decided to start my day with a shower at 8:21, which gave me nine minutes to shower and get back to the phone so I didn’t end up on the loser. I got back to my room in my towel and read my phone. 8:31. Fuck! That set me off on the wrong foot straight away. And so I pace around dialling and redialling. There’s nothing more sure to get me angry than phones not working. I don’t like them at the best of times.

Cue a LOT of loud grunts and for fuck’s sake’s. Redialling every fifteen seconds for twenty five minutes. Using two phones to try and rule out my mobile. I’m cursing and angry. Dad picks up on it. Maybe he was supposed to. He offers to take the parcel into town. He’s going in for something. And then he picks up the phone, and gets through more or less straight away. I’m on hold. He passes the phone over. I make an appointment, AND, I get the doctor I want. 11:20.

Dad’s hovering. He saw me very irritable. He has asked if I had a bad night.

I decide to soak some black eyed peas for later in the day. To do something constructive. I find a 2kg pack. I have the usual worries about how they were grown. They are not organic. And whether they are in any case good for me. They are carbs, mostly, after all, and the risotto didn’t exactly stand me in good stead yesterday. I pull open the packet. It comes apart in the centre, which is good, given as it is resealable. I pull a little firmer, and, the pack explodes, beans all over the kitchen: FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Dad is hovering round by the workshop. He comes through. He walks up to me and puts his arm on my back. We’re not good at this at the best of times. “I’m fine!” I snap. He walks away, and then comes back a minute later. “You know, I usually open these packs with scissors.” “How is that constructive once I’ve just thrown the fucking stuff all over the place?!” I demand. “I’m just trying to say, to bear it in mind, for next time. To make it a habit”, he says, and then takes the package and goes.

This won’t be a day for writing.

Last night after wearing myself out utterly trying to find translations of obscure Czech words and phrases, and trying at the same time to hold myself to Milan Kundera’s tough strictures regarding translation, I replied to an old friend of mine, a friend I have thought of recently as somebody who never remotely understood about my asperger’s, never picked it up in all the time I knew me, and make a lot of sarcastic comments that cut right through me, I turned on the nighttime alarm and went into the downstairs cloakroom cum toilet to brush my teeth. There, for ten to twenty minutes I had an animated conversation in front of the mirror with my doctor about diagnosis, food and nutrition, about how I have been passed from pillar to post and how my experiences with food are invariably dismissed as obsessions or as being psychosomatic as if Dr Richard Mackarness had never put pen to paper, nor anything that came in his wake. I fully worked myself into a state of anger. All for some carbs (and the last single from my little bottle of Jamesons I bought some time last week).

I had a lot on my mind, and food was still affecting me despite all the efforts I have made.

I ate my breakfast of a little buckwheat cooked in water inn front of the Saturday Kitchen I recorded at the weekend, and then decided to write off the morning’s work and allow myself a little R&R by baking an apple pie.

It could have been a real aspergic no no. I made a start by measuring the butter and flour and foound there was not enough plain flour. I had an hour and a half to kill. Maybe less. But I had started so I had to finish. Off to the Tesco Express on my bike. Of course, the only thing they didn’t have was plain flour. On again. I got some, and some eggs, bumping up my purchase to a fiver with some sweets so I could pay by card. And back again. By then there was little enough time to start, and so it was off to the doctor’s.

There I was called in pretty sharpish. There weren’t many in. He shook my hand and I sat while he read a few letters on the system. I told him the problem. I am being moved from one person to another and simply don’t know what is happening. I don’t feel that I am being informed about my case at all, and there’s been no movement on diagnosis.

He told me how the situation stands vis a vis referral. His hands are tied in many ways. I thought he was going to leave it at that, tell me to have patience and that that would be it. But he heard me out, and even listened when I told him about the Adult Neurodevelopmental Disorders Clinic I had heard about through Autism West Midlands. I had forgotten the letter Autism West Midlands had forwarded to me about it. It was the one thing I had needed to remember, but I forgot it when stuffing my bag with the Collected Stories of Raymond Carver to read as I wait, and my thought diary. That’s what happens when you rush. He said I could drop it to him. I was reassured by that.

And overall I got the impression he was listening. He even spoke to me about how I had said last time, several months ago, that I have a small (tiny) number of close friends I see infrequently rather than anything else. He remembered details I might not have expected him to. And so I feel a lot better now I think, though I was also tearful at times, when listening to old music from the Brit Pop days, say, thinking that diagnosis might be nearing. And when i write that I think of all the reveries I have been having lately of having been diagnosed. Sometimes of being caught with eyes red from crying after having been recently diagnosed. Imagine, looking back after all that time – back to the mid nineties with the music I was listening to today, or even further – thinking I could have known all along!

And so I raced back, picked up the letter, and then back again.

And then back, and made my pastry, which is nicely therapeutic. I made a spicy dahl for myself, which I really don’t see as being so ideal, but I didn’t have much else in and I’m getting stuck in a rut with cooking right now, being utterly uninspired by everything I can make and unmotivated to making it. I will have to find some more recipes and plan ahead. I really do have to make that step.

The apple pie came out ok. Not the prettiest pie I ever saw but the pastry looked decent, and given as it was from a Ready Steady Cook recipe that was made in 20 minutes (I would have found another if I had known that), I had to adapt it at the last minute to turn it into a covered pie. I never really read recipes anyway. But as a second attempt at pastry, more or less, it didn’t look so bad, and Mum and Dad both reported that it was nice. I didn’t touch it, it being nothing but sugar, gluten and butter.

And then I took a call. An appointment for CBT has come through. For Thursday! You really do have to pester people. This was not, I’m pretty sure, any result of the appointment with the doctor this morning. More connected with my pestering of Low Intensity Liz. I felt a rush of affection for her – who is plenty nice, but gets a raw deal in my reverie conversations where she is often referred to, as she was last night, as “infant”, “12 years old” and all the rest of it.

So, it is beginning to come to something. I hope. I do hope so. I need it.

Según la wikipedia el insomnio se define como la dificultad para dormir o mantener el sueño y se clasifica según la forma en que se presenta:

* Dificultad para conciliar el sueño al acostarse (insomnio inicial, el más común de los tres).
* Despertarse frecuentemente durante la noche (insomnio intermedio).
* Despertarse muy temprano por la mañana, antes de lo planeado (insomnio terminal).

Durante años he sufrido de largas noches de insomnio, algunas en blanco, y he experimentado estos tres tipos de insomnio. El primero, el más común, era el peor para mí, porque a menudo que avanzaba la noche y seguía sin dormir me ponía más y más nervioso, más y más tenso. Estaba demasiado cansado para levantarme y ocuparme de hacer otras cosas, me esforzaba en dormir, me ponía más nervioso sin poder evitarlo y claro está, no eran las mejores condiciones para finalmente caer en los brazo de Morfeo. Además, al día siguiente me sentía inútil, irritable y por consiguiente frustrado y más nervioso…y claro está, tampoco eran las mejores condiciones para dormir a la noche siguiente. Uno duerme según haya pasado el día. Si no rompes el círculo vicioso, si no resuelves tu conflicto personal que te impide dormir, puede que estés así más tiempo del que te apetecería. Yo solo dormía cuando estaba realmente agotado, entonces para mi alegría caía rendido en la cama, y me levantaba fresco al cabo de unas pocas horas, quizás una frescura relativa pero comparandome a como me despertaba otras mañanas, esas pocas horas eran gloria bendita, eran euforia absoluta.

Aquí te dejo un video que puede ayudarte a romper tu círculo vicioso de no poder dormir. Te recomiendo que lo dejes cargar antes de reproducir para que la voz de la chica no quede interrumpida. Quizás para ti, unos minutos de relajación al día serán ideales para refrescar tu mente y despejar la preocupación; y así, por unos instantes, poder centrarte en algo ajeno a tus problemas. Vale la pena que no te identifiques con tus pensamientos negativos y que empieces a aprender a relajarte y a sustituir esa preocupación por cualquier pensamiento positivo, o mejor aún, por ACCIÓN.

Hasta pronto con más información y consejos!

I’m so cranky!! I’ve been so irritated since I woke up this morning. It could have to do with the fact that I didn’t get very good sleep last night, or even for the last few nights or it could have something to do with the fact that I bought bologna the other day at the store and someone already ate it ALL! And it sounded soooo good for lunch today and sure enough it was gone. Then I decided that I wanted my gatorade because that is noramlly easy on my stomach… guess what…. it was gone too!!!!

We watched army wives because that’s my favorite show, surely that would get me in a better mood…. NO it was a crappy episode and it was all back in the 1940s era going over a random story of how two army wives met. I wanted to see Joan deploy and see if roxy got pregnant!!! And the end said two episodes left until the season finale! UGH!!! that put a damper on my mood too.

Then I had to come down to help JB’s dad with homework. And I really don’t mind because it gives me something to do but I’m just in such a crappy mood today. I WANTED MY BOLOGNA!! Arg

In other news: JB got a call from the recruiter today. He gets to keep his E-5 rank when he enlists into the Army! We officially have a date for him to go to MEPS and sign the papers and get orders: we find out next monday! It would be sooner but he has to go to Annual Training for his job this week so monday it is! Monday is also our next pre-natal appointment which I can’t wait for.

 “And now these three remain:  faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.”  I Corinthians 13:13 

Love is deeper than one can ever imagine or conceive… 

Love is not something that can be explained or reasoned… 

Love forgives without forgiveness sought… 

Love fights without the awareness of it… 

Love must be the thread and fiber of one’s being, the foundation to which everything flows… 

Love must operate through every challenge of life… 

Love is commitment… 

Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not arrogant, is not rude, does not insist on its own way, is not irritable, is not resentful, does not rejoice at wrongdoing, rejoices with the truth, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…Love never ends! 

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Love is powerful in your life and as you give it to others.  Let love rule in everything you do!

LOVE IS THE GREATEST!

“Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind” (Romans 12:2 TEV).

The way we act is determined by the way we feel. The way we feel is determined by the way we think. If we want to change the way we act, we’ve got to change the way we think. If we want to change a habitual pattern of improper anger management—pouting, blowing up, criticizing, etc.—then we need to have some mental reconditioning.

Gary Smalley suggests you begin asking yourself questions like, “Do I enjoy getting angry?” “Does it produce the intended results when I get angry?” “Could I get the same results in a more effective way?” “How would I be different?”

Smalley suggests you write it down and read it aloud to yourself once a week for six months, that’s 26 times. Take the time to read it in the presence of another person. That may seem like a lot of work, but how serious are you about changing this habit in your life? How serious are you about getting control of your anger?

I’d suggest using Bible verses in your letter, so that as God’s Word fills your thoughts, you’re transformed by the renewing of your mind. It’s going to change you.

The truth is, angry people are insecure people. The more insecure I am, the more things tick me off. The more insecure I am, the more upset I get and the more irritable I am.

But here’s the thing: when you understand how much God loves you and you understand your security in Christ, when you understand how much you matter to God, then you are less likely to be irritable.

Homework: Read Ephesians 1 and Romans 8. They are anti-anger biblical passages because they teach us how deeply God loves us, and that we are secure in him.

Tomorrow will be busy. I’m going to sell stuff (@ the crack of dawn), do laundry & go grocery shopping. After that the weekend should be a breeze. I have no labor day plans. After tomorrow, I have to decide whether or not I want to continue with Avon. I’m not completely done with them. I still have to order all birthday, xmas and mother’s day gifts by the end of this month.

I’m a little bit confused about tomorrow. I have no idea whether it cost to sell there. Is it first come, first serve when it comes to tables? Is it free? Damn, I hope so cause I only have $3.00 in cash. %$# I forgot to get money! I hate not knowing stuff so this is driving me insane.

I did learn a lot from the last sell. NEVER (ok maybe it is fine sometimes) present yourself as an Avon seller. People won’t come by. They will assume they know your prices even though I was selling almost everything at least 10% off and other things 35% off. The kids stuff sold. (I love you Miley Cyrus – party in the USA!) One women brought 95% of the kids’ stuff for her niña. G-d bless you for supporting small business! xo

This time I want to get rid of ALL the beauty/fragrance stuff so I’m selling it for 50-75% off. I am also selling more than Avon (DVDs, books, unopened coffee, my handmade necklaces etc.) IF I do continue with this whole Avon thing I will focus on necklaces and watches. Sure if something is a big seller, I will continue to sell it like Hannah Montana and popular stuff…but otherwise I’m staying FAR AWAY from the typical Avon stuff.

Wish me luck. I have no idea what I’m doing. heh. I’m going to post pics of my handmade jewelry alongside Avon marvelous jewelry tomorrow.
————
Today I didn’t have any klonopin. Some days it doesn’t matter but remember today is friday. My nerves are frayed by then. I have forgotten to take my med on a Monday and that is not such a big deal. Even though the effect only last for 3 hours I like to have it when I’m around people all day.

I’ll cut to the chase: Is it social anxiety or irritability? Are they the same? I am anxious, a worrier and when I’m out it turns into social anxiety (which is only bad b/c people hate you – lol). Today I was so irritable. I couldn’t stand anyone looking at me. I went to the mall during lunch – very rare. And I wanted to shout, “WTF ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” or “DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

I should be discussing this w/a psychologist. I really just need to work in a corner. I am so much more productive on Mondays when I’ve had time away from people and in the morning (after taking klonopin).

this ish is affecting my work. help.

I Don’t Know why we get irritable.

I do know, I cannot stay irritable when I remember how irritating irritable people are.

I am going to enjoy chilling this evening.

9:45 AM

You know when you wake up irritable and cranky, and aren’t fully aware why? That happened to me this morning. It took this long to remember why.

I dreamed last night I smoked my first cigarette.

The clammy inhalation of sweet, sweet smoke. The taste on my tongue. Of grey, of ash, tasting of warmth. My nerves welcomed it all as my head screamed NO.

I was only going to try one. In my dream, though, promises to myself and willpower meant nothing. Swept away by the breeze like so much smoke. I smoked the first cigarette, threw it away, then picked up another. Lit it like a pro.

My heart hurts today, thinking about it. Regardless of the fact that I’ve undoubtably inhaled the equivalent of dozens of cigarettes via secondhand, I’d vowed never to take one and smoke it myself. It was hell as a little kid, seeing both parents willingly inhale shit.

Now, my dad’s stained teeth and my mother’s loud, wracking cough are testimony to the suckage that accompanies what some fools endearingly term “ciggs.”

Well, thanks but no thanks. I’ve felt what these things can do to my own lungs. My sister was born premature and an asthmatic because of them. There’s emotional stress and health problems that tag right along with the pleasant buzz, or whatever the hell it is.

Smoking a cigg last night was just a dream. And it will stay that way, for me.

So much has been going on. And I’m having my period so I’m extra irritable. :/

On Tuesday, I thought I had dropped my 1mg of klonopin. I take one everyday when I have to be around people. So really I only take one when I have to go to work. I was standing in the stairwell. YES I WAS GOING TO EAT A PILL OFF THE DIRTY FLOOR…but I couldn’t find it.

I was on the 5th floor when the pill fell through a hole. I left my purse (!) and ran down 5 flights of stairs. Then I heard someone coming!

I couldn’t find my pill so I ran up the stairs ::panting:: I didn’t think someone would steal my whole purse but I thought someone might grab something.

One person from my floor was staring at my purse with a shocked look on her face. Of course I don’t know for sure, but I think she thought I JUMPED because sometimes I stand on the rail looking down (and yes wondering what it would be like to jump). People have seen me do this but I never see them because I don’t turn around.

She looked so scared. The other guy just walked down the stairs. After I got to my purse I started laughing almost manically. LOL. It was sorta a funny situation. If they only knew the real story. I ran down stairs for klonopin.

I wonder what did they thought of my laughter. (She’s crazy). I laughed throughout the morning whenever I thought of it.

To work where I work, I do need my 1mg of klonopin. Too bad it only last for 3 hours! That’s like nothing. In the afternoon I am so irritable and ready to slap people.

Btw, I did find a klonopin in my purse! Thank the universe.

—————
I got my business cards in the mail today! 10-11 days before I have to face people.

At least some to start out with.  It’s heavily used and a long road, but the journey has to start somewhere.  Like the old Chinese proverb, a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.  This is so true.  You can sign the petition here.

Take carrageenan out of ice creams,

soymilk, coffee creamer

Sponsored by: Amy S., Concerned Consumers for Health

Target Companies: Starbuck’s, Purity, Mayfield, Nestle, Morningstar Foods, VitaSoy, Silk, WestSoy

Such a warm family scene.  Kids gathered around the table, laughing… it’s hot outside! Nothing like yummy ice cream to cool things off.  You dip out a cone-full for each of the kids… and what the heck, some for yourself too.  You relish the creamy flavor.

Imagine the shock when you later discover that all these years, among the uber-long list of ingredients… is one that has been linked to stomach lesions, colon cancer, breast cancer and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  It has been lurking in your soy milk… your coffee creamers… your ice cream.  It has been documented that this ingredient has been used to *promote* cancer in lab animals for research.  Would you still want to ingest this ingredient?

The name of it is carrageenan (MSG related, incidentally).  My research and reading into this has shown the above statements are found consistently and continually in relation to this food additive.  It is found in the above products’ ice creams, many soy milks, and coffee creamers.  It’s derived from seaweed and I have been told that since it comes from a “natural ingredient” then it’s OK.  My research shows otherwise.  For one thing, it is not in its natural state.  It is a *derivation*… chemically processed.  For another… you know, I can think of a lot of “natural” stuff that is not good for us, or should not be ingested.  I bet you can too.  I can also think of many “FDA-approved” items that later got pulled off the shelves when it was found people were getting sick or dying from them.

Research for yourself. I have included some links below to get you started.  Then, if you are as angry as I was to find this out… please sign this petition, twitter it, get the word out.  Blog about it.  People need to know, and the companies need to know that we are not going to sit idly by and let them feed us things that they know are dangerous.  Once we are aware, it is up to us to avoid these foods, and look out for those who are still consuming them and just don’t know any better.

To the above stated companies:  Please take carrageenan out of your food products and find healthy, wholesome substitutes.  Many companies like Haagen Dazs, Breyer’s, and even Great Value Naturals (Wal Mart brand) do not use carrageenan in their products. In addition, we feel that soy milk, as a healthy beverage, should not have this additive in its list of ingredients.

We are Concerned Consumers for Health and we take our buying power seriously.  Please take this harmful food additive out of our coffee creamers, soy milks, and ice creams.  Otherwise, we will take our dollars elsewhere.

http://www.vitalearth.org/MSG.htm (scroll down halfway)

harmful effects of carrageenan from pubmed.gov

http://www.annieappleseedproject.org/carandcolcan.html

²¹ A quarrelsome person starts fights
as easily as hot embers light charcoal or fire lights wood.

I read recently that the word irritable is a word picture of someone “at a knife’s point.”  I don’t know the etymology of the word, but it is a good picture.  Someone who is irritable is “this close” to getting poked.  It doesn’t take much to push him or her a little closer.

This proverb reminds me of that word picture.  The writer says that the quarrelsome person is “this close” to flaring up.  This picture also makes us consider that the person is already “hot” and just about any breeze will do to set them off.

feeling rather stupid and irritable at myself… physically and mentally exhausted… good nite. i know my attempt to slept will ultimately fail royally.

The Word of the Day for July 15, 2009 is:

fractious • \FRAK-shus\  • adjective

1 : tending to be troublesome : unruly

2 : quarrelsome, irritable

Example Sentence:

The class was fractious and uncontrollable when Mr. Douglas first took over as teacher, but he now has the students disciplined, focused, and ready to learn.

Did you know?

The Latin verb frangere (“to break or shatter“) has many modern English relations. Dishes that are fragile can break easily. A person whose health is easily broken might be described as frail. A fraction is one of the many pieces into which a whole can be broken. But fraction also once meant “disharmony” or “discord” — that is, a “rupture in relations.” From this noun sense came the adjective fractious, meaning “unruly” or “quarrelsome.” Though the “disharmony” sense of the noun is now obsolete, fractious is still common today.

One of the greatest gifts I have ever received is that of lives lived transparently before me. People who have unashamedly shared the good, bad and ugly parts of themselves with me. People who show me that I am not the only one who still struggles with self-centeredness, insecurity, fear, bitterness, loneliness or any of those other unsightly human characteristics. Their transparent lives and the honesty of their struggles with their own sinful nature, has been a life line to me over the years. Their gift to me…the ability to be human without feeling like I am the only one who still falls short; the freedom to be…human, fallible, me.
 
So all that to say, today has been one of those days. I have been irritable, restless and discontent. I have been out of sorts all day. I not-so-affectionately named these kind of days my “Stop the World, I Want to Get Off” days. The thing is there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I am blessed. I have a job, a wonderful husband, an awesome stepson, a loving family and friends, and a wonderful church and church family. The real problem lies between my ears. I am officially diagnosing myself with ”stinkin thinkin”. 

All day long I have struggled to uncover what it is I am feeling, what I am thinking, what is stirring deep within the recesses of my mind. I have lacked focus. I have been melancholy and insecure. I have felt inadequate. There has been a subconscious, self-defeating undercurrent of thought going on within my mind and I have struggled to capture the thoughts and bring them into obedience to Christ.

The crux of my day occurred in the check out lane at the grocery store this afternoon when I reached into my purse for my wallet and discovered it was not there. I had removed it last night and never put it back. That small faux pas resulted in an hour and a half trip that would have only taken thirty minutes. I was tempted to continue in my stinkin thinkin and bemoan what a horrible day it had been. But thankfully, God had a different plan.

As I threw my purse into my car to begin the long drive home to get my wallet, I saw the 3×5 index cards with my Scripture memory verses. I had not yet begun to memorize my verse from July 1st, and tomorrow our next verse is due. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I ran through all of my memory verses. So I pulled them out and began to run through them. When I got to my current verse, the irony of it did not slip past me.   

Search me, O God, and know my heart

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting. ~ Psalm 139:23-24

So, needless to say, It was the word I needed from God today and I have now committed that verse to memory. A day that more than likely would have continued to go down hill, made a u-turn during the forty-five minutes of travel time to and from the grocery store. Thankfully, God gave me an opportunity (albeit not an ideal one) to spend focusing on what His word says rather than listening to my own stinkin thinkin. For that, I am truly thankful.

Lord, thank you for your word. Thank you for its power to transform my stinkin thinkin. I offer up Psalm 139:23-24 as my prayer to you today. I pray that you would search me and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Lord, put me to the fire. Sift me like wheat. Root out everything in me which you did not plant there. Remove everything that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and your kingdom. I love you!

I’m referring to me of course.

Suffering from lack of sleep.

Mr. Panda got the new season of ‘24′ from Amazon and he’s been watching it day & night. I also ikut-ikut lah even though violent kill-everyone movies where the good guys die like ducks and often for no good reason and evil tends to triumph more often than not, are REALLY not my cup of tea. But it was sort of like being at the scene of a bad accident. You want to look away but you just can’t, cos you’re morbidly drawn to the scene.

Well, it’s put  me in a massively bad mood. Tired. Calorie-deficient. Bored. And snappy & a perfect beeyatch to poor Mr. Panda who keeps telling me to take a “soothing hot shower.”

Instead, I went for a 90 minute full-body massage followed by a 2 hour facial and a 40 minute foot-reflexology session.

Oh, I did have the hot shower after all. Followed by a yummy chicken rice & oyster omelette experience. 

All in all, not a bad Sunday.

I’m typing this at work now, with no make-up on, splotchy face and a permanent furrow in my brow.

Where I really SHOULD be, is in HONG KONG!  *fuming*

Last night Mr. Paranoid Panda laid hands & prayed for me and it all started well & good when he covered journey mercies and safety, a good time, etc. And then he says “And Lord, please bless Baby’s time in Hong Kong and let her have a wonderful holiday with JM…” at which point I felt compelled to remind him that JM wasn’t going to be there since she happened to be out of town at the time.

At which point the prayer ground to a halt and Mr. Panda goes “Do you mean to tell me you’ll be all by yourself in HONG KONG?!”

And that was the start of long lectures on how “blur” I am, how my “shining innocence” [he really means stupidity] would be evident to every thug within a five mile radius of Tsim Sha Tsui, and how my inability to read Chinese coupled with my pathological lack of street smarts is making me a sitting duck primed for the char siew roaster. For this, I can thank the Singaporean government for making this country so safe that the average Singaporean male develops unbelievable paranoia about safety issues beyond their borders!

Put it this way: graffiti is a whipping offence here, and spitting means you’d be SGD1000 poorer, traffic violation is a serious crime and littering is done only by foreigners who have yet to be indoctrinated. A few months back someone stole from the local 7-Eleven, and it made headlines in Prime Time News. 

Thanks to all the ‘God of Gamblers’ movies and all the other smash-up bang-up & throw-down triad movies churned out every year, Mr. Panda now thinks Hong Kong is a seething cauldron of crime and punishment. And he thinks sending me there alone would be akin to throwing a lamb smack right into a pack of hungry wolves. 

I disagree of course. My mama didn’t raise no fool, and if he’d only known the places I’ve been in my life, mostly ALONE, and how much fun I’ve had exploring the unknown, he might just give me a little credit. Or more likely, he’d just flip out more.

In the end (and this is by 4am, after literally hours of debating the issue), he said it was entirely my decision. But know that he would be worried every minute I was away and would have no rest till I was home. I finally capitulated with bad grace, resentful, frustrated and INSULTED.

I realise this fear is very real for him, and he wasn’t trying to control me, but having to live with and be responsible for another person’s fear & distress over you can be quite challenging at times. He wanted me to postpone the trip till JM was in town or he had time to go with me (he promised he would do so in a fortnight), but I was darn near inconsolable. I’d packed till midnight, changed money, applied for leave, picked out my clothes, printed maps from my hotel to the shops on my hitlist, done hours of research. Only to burn my Jetstart tickets literally at the 11th hour.

Well. The decision was mine to make. And I chose to consider his feelings even though I didn’t understand or agree with them. (For crying out loud it’s HONG KONG! Not the CONGO!) Even if it means being disappointed. Or looking stupid when I turned up at work this morning & told colleagues I’d “made a mistake, erm, it’s actually next month.” Even if it means I have literally thousands in HKD in my wallet right now (because I took two trains to get to a money-changer on time), but only an hour’s sleep last night, and I’m still mad at Mr. Panda.

Who said love was easy. I’m not sure whether to blame myself for being stupid enough to tell him JM wasn’t there in the first place, or blame him for being overly anxious & protective, or blame JM (irrationally!) for NOT BEING IN HK!

*kick the table*

Dear Me(mory),

You can be easily irritated. Sometimes there’s no reason and you just need to take a break, breathe in, and find the beatuy in and around you. Other days, you have a sort of excuse, those few days that are fairly exclusive to women. Do I get to excuse myself for being more irritable and sensitive? Does the “get over it” method still apply?

Today was the last of the “field trip” days. Tomorrow we take a quiz at 8:20am then write an essay due at 6. Then, it’s finished. We went to Dublin Castle (again, as I went last year) and awkwardly walked around the old Parliament building which is now a bank. We toured Kilmainham Jail and went our separate ways for lunch. We spent an hour getting to a cementary, which really seemed pointless to visit. However, it wasn’t totally a waste.

Somewhere between Indian food and reading the article for the quiz I started feeling cranky. I found the Cadbury shots that I had been wanting, and that is making me feel better/worse.

What am I learning?
You’re you wherever you are. We’re all changing and over time our different experiences change us and shape us. But there’s still that you, that part of you that is only yours and no one else’s. That voice, that smile, those eyes, that word spoken just then. You may see this as good or bad, depending on who you are on how you see yourself. It’s not always bad. Don’t lose that uniqueness in order to become a false idea someone else.

Some days I want Leo Buscaglia’s voice on my iPod and just have it going all day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opGlp1pE59s

Tonight I don’t want to read the article for the essay I have to write. Right now I want to have already taken a warm shower. I want to lay in bed, eating these Cadbury chocolates, watching Grey’s Anatomy until I fall asleep.

Tonight is not that night.
Such is life. And life, it is good.

Si tu vida social se ha visto afectada porque tu sistema digestivo no tolera algunos alimentos y, en la mayoría de ocasiones, tienes que salir corriendo al baño, puedes estar siendo víctima del Síndrome de Intestino Irritable.

El Síndrome de intestino irritable (SII) es uno de los trastornos más frecuentes del aparato digestivo.

Suele afectar a una de cada cinco personas y de esa cifra el 75 por ciento son mujeres. Las molestias empeoran durante el período menstrual a causa de los cambios hormonales y factores como ansiedad, depresión y miedo.

Sus detonantes son el exceso de estrés, la tensión nerviosa, la dieta, los fármacos y las hormonas. A largo plazo el tracto gastrointestinal se contrae y los síntomas son fuerte retortijón en la parte baja del abdomen, acompañado de flatulencia, diarrea y en algunos casos estreñimiento, explica Arturo Carranza Corzo, gastroenterólogo e internista.

Los científicos sostienen que el colon es controlado por el sistema nervioso, pero no se sabe con claridad las razones de este mal. Sin embargo, con frecuencia es más sensible cuando las mujeres se encuentran sometidas a situaciones de mucho estrés y si a esto le sumas una dieta alta de grasa e ingesta de comida chatarra, los resultados pueden empeorar. El Síndrome de intestino irritable se diagnostica por medio de una rutina de exámenes de sangre y materia fecal. Además puedes someterte a una colonoscopia para descartar cáncer u otro tipo de enfermedades. Luego de ser diagnosticada con SII debes saber que no existe un medicamento que cure este mal, asume la responsabilidad de tu salud y haz algunos cambios en tu estilo de vida que incluyan una alimentación balanceada, así acortas el tiempo de recuperación, agrega Carranza.

Además, los tratamientos fitoterapéuticos como el tilo, la manzanilla y la valeriana también ayudan a bajar la tensión.

Modifica tu alimentación

Según Luis Rejopachi Paz, homeópata, los alimentos con alto contenido de grasa, comida chatarra, con preservantes, azúcar refinada y una dieta rica en proteínas pueden aumentar las molestias.

María José Chacón, nutricionista, asegura que debes omitir algunos alimentos para contrarrestar los molestos síntomas, por ejemplo: la leche, si no toleras la lactosa; la levadura, las frutas cítricas y bebidas con cafeína. En el caso de la fibra puedes consumirla, pero con prudencia; además es necesario asegurarte de ingerir abundantes líquidos. Otros alimentos a excluir son los condimentados o los oligosacáridos que formen gases, como los frijoles, cebada, nueces, higos y frijol de soya. Es importante incrementar el consumo de frutas, verduras, abundantes granos integrales y productos con ingredientes prebióticos.

Aparte de la alimentación puedes controlar el estrés con técnicas de modificación del comportamiento, psicoterapia, hipnosis o métodos de relajación como el yoga, la meditación y el tai chi.

Recomendaciones generales

•  Mejora tu estilo de vida
•  Consume alimentos bajos en grasa
•  Practica ejercicio
• Tómate el tiempo para relajarte
• Evita exponerte a niveles fuertes de estrés
• Si existe depresión y ansiedad consulta a tu médico
•  Nunca te automediques
• Aumenta lentamente el consumo de fibra
• Es necesario llevar un diario de alimentos para identificar cualquier sensibilidad en éstos
• Evita las bebidas gaseosas
•  No consumas vegetales crudos Un plato debe incluir 30 por ciento de proteína y 70 por ciento de vegetales y verduras cocidas
• El estrés puede agravar los síntomas, aunque no significa que sea la causa del Síndrome del intestino irritable.

 Cuándo acudir al médico

• Frecuencia anormal de las deposiciones, diarrea o estreñimiento
• Dolor abdominal por gases
•  Evacuación con presencia de moco o ligas
• Dolores de cabeza, cintura y piernas.

 Fuente: www.amigaonline-pl

Today marks the first day i got into a minor minor car accident, some jerk has the nerve to crash into my car and say it wasn’t his fault which is why he didnt have to pay.  Stupid chauvinist little bastard who thinks, just cause im a girl who can talk to me like some piece of rotting shit. I mean honestly if he was polite and apologized, i would have been forget about it , but noooo, he was all in my face thinking hes so hot shit coz hes older bigger as if his shit don’t stink. Im so mad at myself that i back down , hes probably  off somewhere bragging about how he manage to bully someone. He looked like the typical 9 – 5 office boy who doesn’t get paid enough to support his drinking habit and or  one night stands with trannies which cause his wife to leave him for someone so much better, then his pathetic self,  his kids to hate his guts because he failed not only as a husband but as a father, and he wakes up every morning cursing at himself because hes fat, ugly , old and lonely. Wherever he is right now i hope he falls down a flight of stairs and break both his legs, and if thats not enough hope he gets penis cancer, not like he needs it.  I was just talking to hanis and the rest about this, and what if that dude is a lecturer at Sunway , and i see him and be all ” heyyyy, you’re the asshole who banged into me the other day”

Oh whatever, i spent enough time ranting about that anal head i should let it go, i should feel sorry for him, wherever you are son-of-a-dick who crashed into me, i feel sorry for you, that you were probably the kid who got bullied in school for being the ultimate fatty , the guy who would steal from the vending machine or the guy who would make friends with the cafeteria workers to get extra food , the one where students would steal his lunchbox and place it on the highest shelve as you try and jump and reach as far as your tiny chunky fat little hands and legs can go while everyone laughs at your sad sad sad life. Girls reject you or break up with you on valentines day for the fun of it. If i was probably a fatty like you were, probably you wouldnt be as rude as you were to someone who looks like girls that would have rejected you back in the good-ol-days.  Pity.

P.S : Transformers on thursday ! eventhough its gonna be out 2 and a half hours.

Ta.